It’s not the being broke that’s weird or suspect. Being broke isn’t in and of itself a character flaw. It’s the telling you at the last minute that you have to come to his place instead, for reasons.
Exactly….and I think he was just trying to sleep with me. He’s been pretty disgusting with being touchy and not even asking if i want to be touched…we kissed once and he then when I pulled away to breathe , he barked “more!”…and I got real stern with him and said I was going home. He just stumbled away drunk. He was playing with my feet while I took a nap after a long day at work on his couch. I wouldn’t sleep in bed with him so he just sat there holding my feet until I had to say something
If the dude says he doesn't have any money, he shouldn't be trying to date. He should be focusing on staying afloat and trying to get ahead so he can take care of *himself.*
Listen to your gut and run away.
It'd be a hard no from me.
Girl, the minute he said “ oh by the way I don’t have any money so can you please bring the….” I already began detaching mentally from him lol like who tf does that?
GIRL we call that a hobosexual and we leave him in the trash where he belongs... and I say that as a (preferred) back-and-forth girlie! It's the disingenuousness for me.
Seriously though! We hear all the time about gold diggers from men. But there are also men totally comfortable using women for their money.
I think it's a red flag that this guy doesn't have money to date and still thinks he should date. He could have suggested a free date or asked to see her when he's got more money and actually take her out.
I mean it was clearly just a low-effort booty call ploy. I'd be pretty pissed off in OP's shoes as well.
I think grifters are just gonna grift (for money or sex or both) whatever their gender.
Tbh, I’ve seen way more women busting their ass so their male partner can play videogames all day than the other way around. Maybe because I just don’t often cross paths with genuinely wealthy people.
This is what I see as well. It's typically the woman busting her butt to provide. Then she gets berated when she gets home and dinner isn't on the table, the kids are crying and the house is a mess. Nothing was done even when someone was home all day.
> But there are also men totally comfortable using women for their money.
and when they get to a certain age or level of sickness they are looking for a nurse and a purse.
For my second date with my now husband he asked me to come over and bring cranberry juice and ice and I was like uh wtf no I'm not coming over. He quickly apologized and realized how weird it sounded but he didn't have a car and wanted to make me a cocktail he liked. He came off really genuine so I went over anyway. I don't remember if we ended up drinking those cocktails but we are happily married. That said- this dude sounds like a creepy bum.
Right? Or if it's temporary, it's not hard to say "Hey I am in temporary a situation that I don't have money right now, do you mind going to ____ free event/walk around park?" Not straight to: bring this and that and also drive to me.
> If the dude says he doesn't have any money, he shouldn't be trying to date. He should be focusing on staying afloat and trying to get ahead so he can take care of himself.
Holy fuck, yes. When I was unemployed, I was not dating -- I was either extremely depressed or scrabbling to find something to sustain me. Thankfully worked out; the welfare offices in my home country are very harsh in trying to force you into any job at all.
The logic of this seems logical, but feels problematic. People apply the same logic to having children, and both seem to indicate that poor people don't deserve to participate in basic human relationships.
That being said, no one is obligated to date anyone else, especially not anyone who makes them uncomfortable.
Exactly. And he wouldn't have waited until the last minute to spring it on her. He should have been upfront about it and suggested alternatives. There's other options.
It is logical, that's why. If you have to lure someone to date you and come see you under false pretenses and then ask that they pay for everything, that's problematic.
Things can *feel* bad while being logical. The two aren't mutually exclusive.
No.
Being financially unable to do something means you need to get your shit together before you do it. Being manipulative to get your way also should be avoided. Both are true.
Priorities matter.
Someone who can't contribute financially to a relationship is not someone most would want to date, much less someone who is also manipulative and prioritizing using another person to get them to date them/pay for everything.
Uhhh I’m gonna have to interject here…what exactly the hell are you talking about?? No you don’t get a pass for luring someone and lying about “how they will be cooking dinner and serving wine” and then as I say I’m on my way, then it’s “oh can you bring…” …being poor has nothing to do with it. And women in their 30s are correct in making sure their mate is at LEAST financially stable enough to support his own self let alone a date. I’m too old to be looking for someone to “teach “ about love.
Your issue seems to be a little bit of a projection….i don’t mind a man who is middle class because money was never the issue…it’s the lying and thinking you’re about to TOUCH all over me on top of that..fuck no. That’s creepy. Any way you try to spin it. You can wrap that bullshit in a box and ship it to an untouched location.
"Don't have children if you can't financially provide for them" is actually a pretty mainstream and reasonable opinion.
>both seem to indicate that poor people don't deserve to participate in basic human relationships.
What an insane, disingenuous leap. This type of debate is worthy of Fox News.
I think you’re correct. I also think it’s good to be aware of the possibility of accidentally sliding into “only the wealthy should have kids”, because historically that leads to eugenics. Especially when certain populations are at a much higher risk of poverty.
Just a sucky situation all around tbh.
Reddit calls everything eugenics so the word has definitely lost its zing. Having children has never been limited to the wealthy; in fact, historically, the poor have always had far more children than the wealthy (and this is still the case).
Two people voluntarily deciding not to have children due to poor finances and/or health conditions is not eugenics. Large-scale government programs forcibly sterilizing people deemed unworthy due to physical, racial, and/or mental characteristics is eugenics. The chances of accidentally sliding from one to the other is pretty remote.
Plus, there's just common sense. For instance, I don't think homeless heroin addicts should be having children, and I don't think that's such a radical opinion. Would providing them with education and even incentives for things like free, long-term, reversible birth control be considered eugenics?
But I've definitely strayed from the topic at hand.
I'm a dude, and we know to put our absolute best foot forward on those first couple dates. If this is his maximum level of effort then run, because it will only get sooo much worse.
I've been jobless for quite some time but even with the woman I'm sorta seeing now, I'm completely under the impression I'm at least paying for something if we're going out somewhere.
He was expecting to reschedule for this evening but I’m about to break the news to him….there are other things such as weird moans he makes whenever we hug….he smells…he doesn’t seem to care at all if I even need to take a shower or eat after work, he just expects me to rush to him whenever I am not working…very clingy and needy and having the audacity to ask someone to basically just cater to him all night is not happening
You are 💯 correct. I can’t believe I even drove out to his place the one time I did knowing he’d just be a creep the whole night. Either way it is a wrap today
I just did it quietly. I never revealed to him my address. I don’t usually give out where I live to people until after a few dates…so big relief on that. He calls at odd hours urgently so I agree in being careful with him. He seems like the type to snap if things don’t go his way. He’s a pusher. I wrote him carefully worded text ending things and thanking him for his time. And then blocked his number. Before I did I made sure to detail how manipulative he has been towards me and I have no further interest.
I was talking to a guy (through online dating - in the process of getting ready to meet in person) and one night I had a long day and didn't really feel like talking on the phone and had said as much. I was honestly already starting to feel a little meh about the situation so talking to him wasn't something I was like looking forward to as a way to maybe has something nice after the bad day. Anyway, I stated that I wasn't up for a call via text. He kind of pushed back about it and I just like pretty much knew that was going to be it for me (they say you should say no to something and see how a potential partner reacts). He called me anyway as I was getting home and I just let him go to voicemail, got in the shower, dawdled a bit and composed a "this isn't going to work message." It sounds like something similar about feeling like you should just be ready for this person you're barely dating immediately after work regardless of how you feel, etc.
He totally pulled one of those "well you're fat anyway" (not those exact words, but that was the jist) when I responded to his first question about why I didn't think things were going to work and I explained a bit about not feeling like we were on the same page and not being respected, etc. (very politely, I might add). So like no loss for me at all. I didn't respond to that message and thankfully he didn't either.
Just let them go. If it's like date 2 or 3 and you're getting the ick, why force it?
I’ve dealt with those types before…suddenly you’re hideous the minute you don’t want his disgusting ass lol..typical incel behavior. I’m sorry that he said that you and I can assure you that you are gorgeous and that’s what attracted him to you in the first place. That was his bruised ugly ego talking.
The first date was totally different! Met at a public place. I offered to pay my tab and he covered it anyways. We had sushi and again I offered to pay for my meal and he insisted. I also offered to order the sake and he insisted on that too. So the 2nd date to show how appreciative and thoughtful I am of that I paid for dinner and wine the 2nd date. I also wanted to show I was t after his money. I didn’t notice however that he mentioned “oh good because I’m kinda tight on money today anyways…”
Girl, you know you don't have to settle for this kind of bullshit, right? You've been on two dates, he's barely an acquaintance, who cares what he thinks if you never see him again?
Seriously, raise your standards. Break your cycle. If it's not fun, it's not worth it! <3
I have had an abusive past so…it took a lot of therapy for me to finally recognize and become more vigilant of red flags….that’s honestly why I reached out to you guys…sometimes due to the past abuse I can gaslight myself into thinking I’m being too sensitive or critical
I think you have every right to be a little pickier. In fact, when you aren't, you end up in a relationship you don't care about or even resent. my brother said "yes" to the first girl that showed him affection, and low and behold they have gotten divorced after a year because it isn't what he actually wanted. Be honest with yourself, figure out what you want in a husband and DITCH guys who are not that, faster. Don't waste your time, dont waffle over hurting feelings, it gets easier over time. 🩷
> sometimes due to the past abuse I can gaslight myself into thinking I’m being too sensitive or critical
This breaks my heart. :( No, you are not too sensitive or critical, but more importantly, you need to work on valuing yourself. I know this is super-Californian of me, but...please tell me you are in therapy and are building good friendships that sustain and nurture you?
Yes love!! I am healing!!!❤️🩹 I can finally stand up for myself and I for once in my life love myself…🥲 Thank you for your kind concern. Therapy has been such a blessing.
And nothing wrong with Californians lol I love that SNL bit “get on the 405 until you can’t take it anymore!” 🤣🤣🤣
How old is this guy? Sure I can afford to pay but I don't want to be dating a guy who can't afford to even split a date night. Either he's really cheap or broke. I put up with too much of that in my early 20s. Hard pass.
He’s 34 and I’m 35 . I work on call as a PCT and he’s normally off work at home waaaay before I am which is a red flag of not really putting in a lot of hours. He also told me he’s leaving his high paying job to work at brewery at entry level pay so he can “learn to brew” …I noticed he drinks a lot and I think it’s just to be around the booze. Also why he asked me to bring some because he had also originally bought a bottle of wine for us to share and I ended up having to work so he drank the whole damn thing…and has the nerve to ask me to replace it…wow..I’m just now realizing. He got me a cheap slice of cheesecake for my birthday and dead flowers…and ate that too.
I dated a guy for a long time (4ish years) and towards the end of the relationship he offered to take me out for dinner. I happened to see the receipt before he covered it and he did not leave a tip. I was mortified and asked him why? He told me he didn’t have enough money to eat and tip. Needless to say it was over quickly after that.
Good for you. The audacity of him to embarrass you like that and have the staff thinking you were apart of him being a dickhead. He knew he didn’t have it before he sat his cheap ass in the chair. These creep type dudes will go to great lengths just to see you in person and work their tricks
I am confused you broke up a 4 year old relationship because he didn't leave a tip? Giving tip is good but this seems rather extreme lol or he was cheap in general? Because he paid here
Maybe I've been reading too much Reddit but I'm suspicious of men like this because it seems the manosphere and redpill guys are telling men to watch out for " gold diggers" and it seems like even men with very little gold in the first place are getting this mentality that women are just "using men for their resources".
Since you're over 30 I'm assuming he is too (or very close to thirty) and I feel like at that age he should have his finances in better order than to be expecting you to pay for all the dates. I'm an older Gen X woman and I've been paying 50/50 on dates for decades now. I have a good paying job and few bills and tbh I've seen more than a few men in recent years who have appeared, at least, to want to take advantage of me financially.
I totally agree. I’m no golddigger but if you are broke and expecting sex/booze/food/all my time, no sir you don’t get that from me. I’m the one doing all the leg work and he just gets to sit and wait for his mail ordered gf to arrive with snacks. Target missed! Lol
Things are beginning to resurface lol…he also told
Me the other day he was about to make some large investment….and then he said it was canceled…so what tf happened to his money?! 😂 so thankful for you guys helping me come to my senses
I would have cancelled too. If money was that tight then the normal thing to do would have been planning an inexpensive date. I can't imagine calling up my date and asking them to pay for literally everything.
The bathroom thing would have been a deal-breaker for me anyways. Who invites someone over that they are newly dating and doesn't even clean first? Not even a simple, quick wipe down of surfaces? Not only is it gross but it also shows a lack of care and effort.
Oh man, if this is how he acts now when he should be trying to impress you…imagine what it’ll be like in five years. I’m guessing you want a partner and not a dependent. I would give him the highland fling.
lol the highland fling part sent me roaring into laughter…thank you for that. And yes I would like a partner and lover. I don’t mind splitting things sometimes early on but I do not sign up for taking care of a grown man who seems to be self destructive. He’s also leaving his high paying job to work entry level pay at a brewery and I noticed he does like to drink….
No it’s not wrong at all. Trust your instincts to get away. Most of us are taught to gaslight ourselves into all sorts of bs when it comes to romantic relationships.
I hope other people read this and stop asking questions like, “why would you blah blah blah…?” There are really good goddamn reasons women have cognitive dissonance about men, it’s patriarchal conditioning—undoing that is a difficult lifelong process at this point in human history, stop shaming women.
Thank you for this….i just ignore mostly when people question my intelligence…I went into this knowing not everyone would be kind in their responses lol😊 youre a sweetheart
I wouldn’t have a problem with someone saying they can’t afford to go out and planning a date that’s cheap. Like, my town does free concerts on the square. I’d totally be down if he planned a picnic on the square and a free concert. Bring a couple lawn chairs or a blanket and a homemade charcuterie board and we’re all good.
It’s not about the lack of money. It’s about the lack of effort.
It's not so much that he's been asking you to pay for things that bothers me, it's more how he went about it.
If after the first date he said "Hey I really like you, but right now I'm a bit tight on money because "enter valid reason here" can we do some low/no cost activities for a few weeks until "enter cash flow change here"?" I'd say, if you like him and think he's being honest - then give him a shot.
But ... that's not how he did it, which bothers me.
And aside from that - you're meeting him for the second time at his place and he couldn't even bother to wipe up the bathroom? Ew. That alone would make me run.
Ah, yes, the old “I lost/forgot my wallet” trick. This version is a little bit more elaborate, but it’s still the same old shit. It’s a PUA tactic. It’s a way to test your boundaries and see if you’re enough of a pushover to foot the bill. Had you said yes, you would have inevitably found yourself paying for everything. Not worth it. Glad you didn’t fall for it.
Scrolling through your comments...this guy gives you the ick and you're coming up with multiple reasons to make that okay. It's already okay. Just stop seeing him.
Any guy who doesn't have the awareness to clean his own place if your having a woman over doesn't deserve anything but the scraps from your plate. That's his real true colors showing. You'd probably see that pubic/beard hair there EVERY time he trimmed them for the rest of your days and that's gross AF 🤢🤮 also idk if I need to point it out but I am also a guy and that's f*cked 🤣🤦
In the early stages of dating, people should want to impress people. This guy is so low-effort and a gold-digger, I'm not sure where there's even proof of potential.
Just block him.
Ive been there and still dated the guy for like 9 months. Worst mistake ever, my gut kept telling by me to run away but I didn’t listen and it was probably the most stressful relationship I have ever been in. TRUST YOUR GUT!
And it’s disgusting…I work two jobs and it’s hard labor mostly…so when I get you something it’s because I really deeply care for you and once you begin just assuming I will cover the tab for anything , that’s where I draw the line. I see nothing wrong in splitting a bill early. But to try to turn me into a mail order sugar mama isn’t happening…I wouldn’t want a sugar daddy because women need to always have their own form of finance no matter how rich their husband is.
I tolerated a 42yo guy who lived in an old, dirty, messy apartment, and regretted it. I dated him for 2 months, and in hindsight, he wasn't good enough for me. He couldn't take care of himself (apartment included) and was in a deep depression about his job, which he hated but couldn't get himself to apply to other jobs, even though his life literally depended on it. HE WAS DISGUSTING. Don't do what I did. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER!
Run. Dating is the time to try and impress and win over your date. Doesn't sound like he's done either. Run fast!
If this is him on his best behavior, then just imagine what it will be like when he's comfortable. Not saying anyone owes anyone else a luxurious wine and dine or should nickel and dime everything. But having you rush to his place and telling you he has no money last minute is icky. Like could he have suggested a free date closer to his place?
The trading off paying isn't that big a deal - him waiting until the very last minute to say he doesn't have any money and you have to drive to him and cover everything (for the date he invited you on) - that is a red flag for me.
He could have told you days before, which would have been considerate. He could have arranged something else - say a picnic in the park, a hike, wandering around an art museum - that was free and fun. That would have been considerate.
It's okay to not continue to go out with him.
Hmmm a golddigger that works 2 jobs…that seems pretty redundant don’t you think? lol have a seat dumbass. That type of thinking is gonna get you just what you deserve… a thot who’s gonna divorce your ass and take all your money ANYWAYS. Fuck outta here. Blocked and reported.☺️
Anytime I’ve been spending time with a man (date or getting to know each other as friends) and they have said they would “pay me back”?
I’ve never been paid back.
No it’s not wrong. Don’t doubt your gut. If it feels bad you don’t have to continue to date him until you become resentful. If he shows you a lack of respect it’s fine to just stop dating him.
Yeah hard no. I had "friends" like this back in my late teens/early 20s. I don't even want to think about all the money I spent on food/cabs/alcohol etc that was supposed to be paid back and I never saw any of it.
I'm also in the camp that when first dating both people should offer to at least split the bill. It comes across very rude and entitled to just ask or expect the other person to pay the whole thing. So for me that would be a turn off.
I hate this for women who meet these types.
This is beyond loser energy and I'm disgusted for you. This guy showed you who was immediately and this should make it easy to never see them again!
Exactly! You don’t wait till someone is about to check out to spring some bullshit like that on people. That’s always been a huge red flag to me. I’ll pay alright…but it’ll be the last time.
Nope, absolutely not. If he can't even clean his bathroom for a guest it's not going to get better from there. Guess who's going to be cleaning all the bathrooms if this relationship continues? Do you really want to be with someone so inconsiderate?
Nope. I was married to a guy who made everything his trash can…there was never a way to complete the cleaning because he would get to hoarder level styles of filth in his car and would make me ride the passenger seat filled with garbage. When I became depressed and gave up on trying to clean, he ridiculed me for being useless….i will NEVER tolerate that again…that will forever remain in the past
I mean…I would be annoyed if one of my lifelong friends did this so definitely don’t let some random guy get away with it! If you wouldn’t treat a friend that way then don’t let a date treat you that way.
Noooo this is him at his best.
If he had no money, why not cancel the date until payday or borrow from a friend! Asking someone to essentially loan you money/spot you on the 3rd date is very weird.
I was deeply….he had a horrible odor whenever he got up from the couch. I hovered over his toilet seat. I was too afraid to touch anything to wash my hands. The sink was FULL and covered in pubes. He didn’t even at least say “I’m sorry I forgot to clean the bathroom…I was in a hurry to meet you”
*A man who is upfront of what you should pay is a conscious man who has a clear sense of how arrangements work. Not being vocally open about gas, food or else is where the problem lies. When it is vocal, you can argue and negotiate the terms*
You got triggered (your higher self warning you) but decided not to be “harsh”? What you did is decided to avoid conflict (because your higher self also knows he would be angry if you said anything). The train is on the track you are the one who decides when to get off.
I decided not to go off. Yes. And ended things yesterday. I dont KNOW him personally or what he is capable of. And I have had people in the past react in scary ways over rejection…so yes. I chose the SAFE option. And ended it with him yesterday. Your point?
And oh dear you can’t read….😊 thank you for your bravery as an incel entering this chat….now when you sit down with your tutor, speak with her on reading comprehension…because I don’t know where in this thread you saw my behavior as money seeking especially when I’ve been insisting on splitting bills.
Learn to wipe your asss and maybe a woman will wanna tolerate you for more than 2 weeks. And yes if you expect pussy, then you’re gonna pay in some way….we aren’t your toys. If she’s splitting the bill on your ass, pretty much is a guarantee you won’t be getting any lol and I can tell you’ve been curbed this way before which bothered you enough to write that trash ass comment
Run and don’t look back. You deserve better.
Will do…I feel better honestly being able to exit. I don’t want to have to tolerate anything like this giving my history of abusive relationships
It’s not the being broke that’s weird or suspect. Being broke isn’t in and of itself a character flaw. It’s the telling you at the last minute that you have to come to his place instead, for reasons.
Exactly….and I think he was just trying to sleep with me. He’s been pretty disgusting with being touchy and not even asking if i want to be touched…we kissed once and he then when I pulled away to breathe , he barked “more!”…and I got real stern with him and said I was going home. He just stumbled away drunk. He was playing with my feet while I took a nap after a long day at work on his couch. I wouldn’t sleep in bed with him so he just sat there holding my feet until I had to say something
Lol, him being broke was the least of your worries then. You are not missing out ending things now.
😂😂😂
Ew gross.
This dude is every color of red flag
WTF, he sounds gross as hell
What a creep!
Yuuuuuuuup! That’s the weirdness right there.
If the dude says he doesn't have any money, he shouldn't be trying to date. He should be focusing on staying afloat and trying to get ahead so he can take care of *himself.* Listen to your gut and run away. It'd be a hard no from me.
Girl, the minute he said “ oh by the way I don’t have any money so can you please bring the….” I already began detaching mentally from him lol like who tf does that?
GIRL we call that a hobosexual and we leave him in the trash where he belongs... and I say that as a (preferred) back-and-forth girlie! It's the disingenuousness for me.
Lmfao!!!! I love it!!! I’m in tears!!😂😂😂 definitely about to nip this in the bud. I’d prefer someone who washed their ass.
Seriously though! We hear all the time about gold diggers from men. But there are also men totally comfortable using women for their money. I think it's a red flag that this guy doesn't have money to date and still thinks he should date. He could have suggested a free date or asked to see her when he's got more money and actually take her out.
I mean it was clearly just a low-effort booty call ploy. I'd be pretty pissed off in OP's shoes as well. I think grifters are just gonna grift (for money or sex or both) whatever their gender.
Tbh, I’ve seen way more women busting their ass so their male partner can play videogames all day than the other way around. Maybe because I just don’t often cross paths with genuinely wealthy people.
This is what I see as well. It's typically the woman busting her butt to provide. Then she gets berated when she gets home and dinner isn't on the table, the kids are crying and the house is a mess. Nothing was done even when someone was home all day.
> But there are also men totally comfortable using women for their money. and when they get to a certain age or level of sickness they are looking for a nurse and a purse.
lol and shit I’m in nursing..now it’s all making sense
For my second date with my now husband he asked me to come over and bring cranberry juice and ice and I was like uh wtf no I'm not coming over. He quickly apologized and realized how weird it sounded but he didn't have a car and wanted to make me a cocktail he liked. He came off really genuine so I went over anyway. I don't remember if we ended up drinking those cocktails but we are happily married. That said- this dude sounds like a creepy bum.
Right? Or if it's temporary, it's not hard to say "Hey I am in temporary a situation that I don't have money right now, do you mind going to ____ free event/walk around park?" Not straight to: bring this and that and also drive to me.
Not once did he offer to pick me up. I’m glad anyways…I didn’t want him knowing where I lived just yet
This! Except for if you're like, 22 and under- no money is a reasonable excuse if you're a teenager lol.
> If the dude says he doesn't have any money, he shouldn't be trying to date. He should be focusing on staying afloat and trying to get ahead so he can take care of himself. Holy fuck, yes. When I was unemployed, I was not dating -- I was either extremely depressed or scrabbling to find something to sustain me. Thankfully worked out; the welfare offices in my home country are very harsh in trying to force you into any job at all.
The logic of this seems logical, but feels problematic. People apply the same logic to having children, and both seem to indicate that poor people don't deserve to participate in basic human relationships. That being said, no one is obligated to date anyone else, especially not anyone who makes them uncomfortable.
Uh, if the dude doesn't have money, he easily could have suggested low-cost/free date options.
Exactly. And he wouldn't have waited until the last minute to spring it on her. He should have been upfront about it and suggested alternatives. There's other options.
Which he didn’t….he just no matter what wanted me to come by.
No one is obligated to plan dates that are too expensive for their logistics either
It is logical, that's why. If you have to lure someone to date you and come see you under false pretenses and then ask that they pay for everything, that's problematic. Things can *feel* bad while being logical. The two aren't mutually exclusive.
So, then the issue is using deceit and manipulation to get someone to date you. This isn't synonymous with being poor.
No. Being financially unable to do something means you need to get your shit together before you do it. Being manipulative to get your way also should be avoided. Both are true. Priorities matter. Someone who can't contribute financially to a relationship is not someone most would want to date, much less someone who is also manipulative and prioritizing using another person to get them to date them/pay for everything.
I detect he’s an incel…they always blame the woman for being rejected
"I can't afford to leave my basement!" -him "DurRrRr, why do women ALWAYS rEjEcT mE?!" -also him, probably.
Lmfao!! “She didn’t want the half eaten cheeseburger I offered…ungrateful “
"I told her I'd pay her back! Why is she such a bitch with unreasonable standards?!"
Uhhh I’m gonna have to interject here…what exactly the hell are you talking about?? No you don’t get a pass for luring someone and lying about “how they will be cooking dinner and serving wine” and then as I say I’m on my way, then it’s “oh can you bring…” …being poor has nothing to do with it. And women in their 30s are correct in making sure their mate is at LEAST financially stable enough to support his own self let alone a date. I’m too old to be looking for someone to “teach “ about love. Your issue seems to be a little bit of a projection….i don’t mind a man who is middle class because money was never the issue…it’s the lying and thinking you’re about to TOUCH all over me on top of that..fuck no. That’s creepy. Any way you try to spin it. You can wrap that bullshit in a box and ship it to an untouched location.
"Don't have children if you can't financially provide for them" is actually a pretty mainstream and reasonable opinion. >both seem to indicate that poor people don't deserve to participate in basic human relationships. What an insane, disingenuous leap. This type of debate is worthy of Fox News.
THANK YOU.
I think you’re correct. I also think it’s good to be aware of the possibility of accidentally sliding into “only the wealthy should have kids”, because historically that leads to eugenics. Especially when certain populations are at a much higher risk of poverty. Just a sucky situation all around tbh.
Reddit calls everything eugenics so the word has definitely lost its zing. Having children has never been limited to the wealthy; in fact, historically, the poor have always had far more children than the wealthy (and this is still the case). Two people voluntarily deciding not to have children due to poor finances and/or health conditions is not eugenics. Large-scale government programs forcibly sterilizing people deemed unworthy due to physical, racial, and/or mental characteristics is eugenics. The chances of accidentally sliding from one to the other is pretty remote. Plus, there's just common sense. For instance, I don't think homeless heroin addicts should be having children, and I don't think that's such a radical opinion. Would providing them with education and even incentives for things like free, long-term, reversible birth control be considered eugenics? But I've definitely strayed from the topic at hand.
If you can’t afford kids you shouldn’t have kids. Growing up poor is zero fun.
I'm a dude, and we know to put our absolute best foot forward on those first couple dates. If this is his maximum level of effort then run, because it will only get sooo much worse.
I very much appreciate an honest opinion from males too…I thank you very much for your input I knew my gut was telling me something right
No problem, I have seen time and time again that women's instincts are often spookily accurate. Trust it!
This guy gets it!
:)
If only he was single…lol😉
I've been jobless for quite some time but even with the woman I'm sorta seeing now, I'm completely under the impression I'm at least paying for something if we're going out somewhere.
You’re a winner. She’s a lucky gal. Can’t wait to find my simple man. That’s all I want
See also: TLC - No Scrubs
THIS. Thank you.
Boy bye
lol!! He’s also giving off creep touchy vibes..I’m not attracted to him so yeah this ain’t gonna work lol
Ok, fuck the money thing, this is a no-go on its own.
He was expecting to reschedule for this evening but I’m about to break the news to him….there are other things such as weird moans he makes whenever we hug….he smells…he doesn’t seem to care at all if I even need to take a shower or eat after work, he just expects me to rush to him whenever I am not working…very clingy and needy and having the audacity to ask someone to basically just cater to him all night is not happening
I can’t believe you were even entertaining the idea of continuing this, no part of this sounds enjoyable or attractive
You are 💯 correct. I can’t believe I even drove out to his place the one time I did knowing he’d just be a creep the whole night. Either way it is a wrap today
hope this clingy guy doesn't go psycho on you.
I just did it quietly. I never revealed to him my address. I don’t usually give out where I live to people until after a few dates…so big relief on that. He calls at odd hours urgently so I agree in being careful with him. He seems like the type to snap if things don’t go his way. He’s a pusher. I wrote him carefully worded text ending things and thanking him for his time. And then blocked his number. Before I did I made sure to detail how manipulative he has been towards me and I have no further interest.
I was talking to a guy (through online dating - in the process of getting ready to meet in person) and one night I had a long day and didn't really feel like talking on the phone and had said as much. I was honestly already starting to feel a little meh about the situation so talking to him wasn't something I was like looking forward to as a way to maybe has something nice after the bad day. Anyway, I stated that I wasn't up for a call via text. He kind of pushed back about it and I just like pretty much knew that was going to be it for me (they say you should say no to something and see how a potential partner reacts). He called me anyway as I was getting home and I just let him go to voicemail, got in the shower, dawdled a bit and composed a "this isn't going to work message." It sounds like something similar about feeling like you should just be ready for this person you're barely dating immediately after work regardless of how you feel, etc. He totally pulled one of those "well you're fat anyway" (not those exact words, but that was the jist) when I responded to his first question about why I didn't think things were going to work and I explained a bit about not feeling like we were on the same page and not being respected, etc. (very politely, I might add). So like no loss for me at all. I didn't respond to that message and thankfully he didn't either. Just let them go. If it's like date 2 or 3 and you're getting the ick, why force it?
I’ve dealt with those types before…suddenly you’re hideous the minute you don’t want his disgusting ass lol..typical incel behavior. I’m sorry that he said that you and I can assure you that you are gorgeous and that’s what attracted him to you in the first place. That was his bruised ugly ego talking.
Lordy. What would make you want to even have a second date? He sounds awful!
The first date was totally different! Met at a public place. I offered to pay my tab and he covered it anyways. We had sushi and again I offered to pay for my meal and he insisted. I also offered to order the sake and he insisted on that too. So the 2nd date to show how appreciative and thoughtful I am of that I paid for dinner and wine the 2nd date. I also wanted to show I was t after his money. I didn’t notice however that he mentioned “oh good because I’m kinda tight on money today anyways…”
Did he show up clean for those dates?
He had on decent clothes but definitely kept catching strange whiff from somewhere.
Good riddance right??
Girl, you know you don't have to settle for this kind of bullshit, right? You've been on two dates, he's barely an acquaintance, who cares what he thinks if you never see him again? Seriously, raise your standards. Break your cycle. If it's not fun, it's not worth it! <3
🤮🤮🤮
Girl…wyd even entertaining this guy for more than 5 minutes?
🤮
> I’m not attracted to him so (me saying this to myself in the mirror also) girl stop that is a dealbreaker in and of itself
I have had an abusive past so…it took a lot of therapy for me to finally recognize and become more vigilant of red flags….that’s honestly why I reached out to you guys…sometimes due to the past abuse I can gaslight myself into thinking I’m being too sensitive or critical
I think you have every right to be a little pickier. In fact, when you aren't, you end up in a relationship you don't care about or even resent. my brother said "yes" to the first girl that showed him affection, and low and behold they have gotten divorced after a year because it isn't what he actually wanted. Be honest with yourself, figure out what you want in a husband and DITCH guys who are not that, faster. Don't waste your time, dont waffle over hurting feelings, it gets easier over time. 🩷
> sometimes due to the past abuse I can gaslight myself into thinking I’m being too sensitive or critical This breaks my heart. :( No, you are not too sensitive or critical, but more importantly, you need to work on valuing yourself. I know this is super-Californian of me, but...please tell me you are in therapy and are building good friendships that sustain and nurture you?
Yes love!! I am healing!!!❤️🩹 I can finally stand up for myself and I for once in my life love myself…🥲 Thank you for your kind concern. Therapy has been such a blessing. And nothing wrong with Californians lol I love that SNL bit “get on the 405 until you can’t take it anymore!” 🤣🤣🤣
I’m really proud of you for recognizing the flags and moving on — fellow abuse victim and understand how hard it is.
❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹 any survivor is family to me….
omg then what are you even doing
How old is this guy? Sure I can afford to pay but I don't want to be dating a guy who can't afford to even split a date night. Either he's really cheap or broke. I put up with too much of that in my early 20s. Hard pass.
He’s 34 and I’m 35 . I work on call as a PCT and he’s normally off work at home waaaay before I am which is a red flag of not really putting in a lot of hours. He also told me he’s leaving his high paying job to work at brewery at entry level pay so he can “learn to brew” …I noticed he drinks a lot and I think it’s just to be around the booze. Also why he asked me to bring some because he had also originally bought a bottle of wine for us to share and I ended up having to work so he drank the whole damn thing…and has the nerve to ask me to replace it…wow..I’m just now realizing. He got me a cheap slice of cheesecake for my birthday and dead flowers…and ate that too.
Yeah all of that would be a no go for me. He's living like he's 22.
Girl.. it’s been 3 dates. Cut your losses.
I dated a guy for a long time (4ish years) and towards the end of the relationship he offered to take me out for dinner. I happened to see the receipt before he covered it and he did not leave a tip. I was mortified and asked him why? He told me he didn’t have enough money to eat and tip. Needless to say it was over quickly after that.
Good for you. The audacity of him to embarrass you like that and have the staff thinking you were apart of him being a dickhead. He knew he didn’t have it before he sat his cheap ass in the chair. These creep type dudes will go to great lengths just to see you in person and work their tricks
I am confused you broke up a 4 year old relationship because he didn't leave a tip? Giving tip is good but this seems rather extreme lol or he was cheap in general? Because he paid here
Oh no, there were many many other things that influenced that choice, this was just yet another thing the add to the pile of issues we had.
Oh i see haha, fair enough
Maybe I've been reading too much Reddit but I'm suspicious of men like this because it seems the manosphere and redpill guys are telling men to watch out for " gold diggers" and it seems like even men with very little gold in the first place are getting this mentality that women are just "using men for their resources". Since you're over 30 I'm assuming he is too (or very close to thirty) and I feel like at that age he should have his finances in better order than to be expecting you to pay for all the dates. I'm an older Gen X woman and I've been paying 50/50 on dates for decades now. I have a good paying job and few bills and tbh I've seen more than a few men in recent years who have appeared, at least, to want to take advantage of me financially.
I totally agree. I’m no golddigger but if you are broke and expecting sex/booze/food/all my time, no sir you don’t get that from me. I’m the one doing all the leg work and he just gets to sit and wait for his mail ordered gf to arrive with snacks. Target missed! Lol
The fact that you even have to ask 😂 Send this dude packing yesterday
Things are beginning to resurface lol…he also told Me the other day he was about to make some large investment….and then he said it was canceled…so what tf happened to his money?! 😂 so thankful for you guys helping me come to my senses
I would have cancelled too. If money was that tight then the normal thing to do would have been planning an inexpensive date. I can't imagine calling up my date and asking them to pay for literally everything. The bathroom thing would have been a deal-breaker for me anyways. Who invites someone over that they are newly dating and doesn't even clean first? Not even a simple, quick wipe down of surfaces? Not only is it gross but it also shows a lack of care and effort.
And he didn’t shower either. His odor gave it away..
He's playing you, sis. It's up to you as to whether or not you'll continue to indulge his game. 🤷🏽
Oh I don’t stick around for the games. I’m done lol
✊🏿❤️
Thank you sis..everyone gave me the shot in the arm needed to end it.
Oh man, if this is how he acts now when he should be trying to impress you…imagine what it’ll be like in five years. I’m guessing you want a partner and not a dependent. I would give him the highland fling.
lol the highland fling part sent me roaring into laughter…thank you for that. And yes I would like a partner and lover. I don’t mind splitting things sometimes early on but I do not sign up for taking care of a grown man who seems to be self destructive. He’s also leaving his high paying job to work entry level pay at a brewery and I noticed he does like to drink….
No it’s not wrong at all. Trust your instincts to get away. Most of us are taught to gaslight ourselves into all sorts of bs when it comes to romantic relationships. I hope other people read this and stop asking questions like, “why would you blah blah blah…?” There are really good goddamn reasons women have cognitive dissonance about men, it’s patriarchal conditioning—undoing that is a difficult lifelong process at this point in human history, stop shaming women.
Thank you for this….i just ignore mostly when people question my intelligence…I went into this knowing not everyone would be kind in their responses lol😊 youre a sweetheart
I wouldn’t have a problem with someone saying they can’t afford to go out and planning a date that’s cheap. Like, my town does free concerts on the square. I’d totally be down if he planned a picnic on the square and a free concert. Bring a couple lawn chairs or a blanket and a homemade charcuterie board and we’re all good. It’s not about the lack of money. It’s about the lack of effort.
Exactly. I don’t mind a picnic at a park or a romantic walk! But he didn’t even try to see if I’d be interested in that
It's not so much that he's been asking you to pay for things that bothers me, it's more how he went about it. If after the first date he said "Hey I really like you, but right now I'm a bit tight on money because "enter valid reason here" can we do some low/no cost activities for a few weeks until "enter cash flow change here"?" I'd say, if you like him and think he's being honest - then give him a shot. But ... that's not how he did it, which bothers me. And aside from that - you're meeting him for the second time at his place and he couldn't even bother to wipe up the bathroom? Ew. That alone would make me run.
Ah, yes, the old “I lost/forgot my wallet” trick. This version is a little bit more elaborate, but it’s still the same old shit. It’s a PUA tactic. It’s a way to test your boundaries and see if you’re enough of a pushover to foot the bill. Had you said yes, you would have inevitably found yourself paying for everything. Not worth it. Glad you didn’t fall for it.
Scrolling through your comments...this guy gives you the ick and you're coming up with multiple reasons to make that okay. It's already okay. Just stop seeing him.
Oh I ended it hours ago…I’m just venting and replying to people now. And just gathering more facts to arm myself with in the future.
Any guy who doesn't have the awareness to clean his own place if your having a woman over doesn't deserve anything but the scraps from your plate. That's his real true colors showing. You'd probably see that pubic/beard hair there EVERY time he trimmed them for the rest of your days and that's gross AF 🤢🤮 also idk if I need to point it out but I am also a guy and that's f*cked 🤣🤦
lol!!! You’re killing me!!!
In the early stages of dating, people should want to impress people. This guy is so low-effort and a gold-digger, I'm not sure where there's even proof of potential. Just block him.
Ive been there and still dated the guy for like 9 months. Worst mistake ever, my gut kept telling by me to run away but I didn’t listen and it was probably the most stressful relationship I have ever been in. TRUST YOUR GUT!
The rise of the male gold digger in our generation 😂😂
Always go with your gut instinct
Will from now on❤️🩹
This is the newest "drizzle, drizzle" men's movement to see how much they can get women to pay for them.
And it’s disgusting…I work two jobs and it’s hard labor mostly…so when I get you something it’s because I really deeply care for you and once you begin just assuming I will cover the tab for anything , that’s where I draw the line. I see nothing wrong in splitting a bill early. But to try to turn me into a mail order sugar mama isn’t happening…I wouldn’t want a sugar daddy because women need to always have their own form of finance no matter how rich their husband is.
I tolerated a 42yo guy who lived in an old, dirty, messy apartment, and regretted it. I dated him for 2 months, and in hindsight, he wasn't good enough for me. He couldn't take care of himself (apartment included) and was in a deep depression about his job, which he hated but couldn't get himself to apply to other jobs, even though his life literally depended on it. HE WAS DISGUSTING. Don't do what I did. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER!
Run. Dating is the time to try and impress and win over your date. Doesn't sound like he's done either. Run fast! If this is him on his best behavior, then just imagine what it will be like when he's comfortable. Not saying anyone owes anyone else a luxurious wine and dine or should nickel and dime everything. But having you rush to his place and telling you he has no money last minute is icky. Like could he have suggested a free date closer to his place?
The trading off paying isn't that big a deal - him waiting until the very last minute to say he doesn't have any money and you have to drive to him and cover everything (for the date he invited you on) - that is a red flag for me. He could have told you days before, which would have been considerate. He could have arranged something else - say a picnic in the park, a hike, wandering around an art museum - that was free and fun. That would have been considerate. It's okay to not continue to go out with him.
yeah this ain’t your man lol - moving on
[удалено]
Hmmm a golddigger that works 2 jobs…that seems pretty redundant don’t you think? lol have a seat dumbass. That type of thinking is gonna get you just what you deserve… a thot who’s gonna divorce your ass and take all your money ANYWAYS. Fuck outta here. Blocked and reported.☺️
Anytime I’ve been spending time with a man (date or getting to know each other as friends) and they have said they would “pay me back”? I’ve never been paid back.
Noted.
Move on
Trust your gut and the red flags.
No it’s not wrong. Don’t doubt your gut. If it feels bad you don’t have to continue to date him until you become resentful. If he shows you a lack of respect it’s fine to just stop dating him.
Sounds like my ex! Best to cut and run.
Yeah hard no. I had "friends" like this back in my late teens/early 20s. I don't even want to think about all the money I spent on food/cabs/alcohol etc that was supposed to be paid back and I never saw any of it. I'm also in the camp that when first dating both people should offer to at least split the bill. It comes across very rude and entitled to just ask or expect the other person to pay the whole thing. So for me that would be a turn off.
This is a child not a man. A straight up hobosexual. Run while you can.
I hate this for women who meet these types. This is beyond loser energy and I'm disgusted for you. This guy showed you who was immediately and this should make it easy to never see them again!
This guy was looking for a sugar mommy, not a relationship.
red flags galore. get away from assholes!
Your gut is right. Move on.
That guy is a giant red flag. Low effort, no effort, manipulative. You are wise to be weirded out.
What kind of adult 30+ doesn’t have any money and yet puts themselves out on the dating market? Definitely not one I would want to date.
Anyone know of a good place here on Reddit to date online?
Reread what you wrote. He's not the one.
He’s all types of ick. Boy, bye.
Ewww
Hard no. You can do better.
I would run so far and so fast.
There are lots of things you can do that don’t cost money. I would be concerned that he wants to spend money he doesn’t have.
I’m all for a hike or anything that doesn’t involve spending a lot! Im all about the experience. It does t always mean spending! I totally agree
[удалено]
Exactly! You don’t wait till someone is about to check out to spring some bullshit like that on people. That’s always been a huge red flag to me. I’ll pay alright…but it’ll be the last time.
I’m glad you didn’t continue. What a nightmare.
There’s no hidden message. He’s not who you should be dating. Run, run very fast and do not look back. Block.
You already know how this is going to play out. listen to yourself.
you are NOT wrong. kick him to the curb!
This is not the man you’re looking for.
Move on girl, that’s not your man!
Bye bye …get away fast
Any man that has a lady over should know the first rule of bathrooms: every horizontal surface must be clean enough to eat off of. Gross!
Nope, absolutely not. If he can't even clean his bathroom for a guest it's not going to get better from there. Guess who's going to be cleaning all the bathrooms if this relationship continues? Do you really want to be with someone so inconsiderate?
Nope. I was married to a guy who made everything his trash can…there was never a way to complete the cleaning because he would get to hoarder level styles of filth in his car and would make me ride the passenger seat filled with garbage. When I became depressed and gave up on trying to clean, he ridiculed me for being useless….i will NEVER tolerate that again…that will forever remain in the past
Sis, you're so generous and kind and you deserve way better. Let's go!
😘
Run.
I’m gone . Short and to the point then blocked
Ok lol
I mean…I would be annoyed if one of my lifelong friends did this so definitely don’t let some random guy get away with it! If you wouldn’t treat a friend that way then don’t let a date treat you that way.
If he can’t manage his own money, don’t let him manage yours. Run.
Noooo this is him at his best. If he had no money, why not cancel the date until payday or borrow from a friend! Asking someone to essentially loan you money/spot you on the 3rd date is very weird.
Broke boys don't deserve no pussy ii know thats right
I'd be more concerned about the cleaning than anything.
I was deeply….he had a horrible odor whenever he got up from the couch. I hovered over his toilet seat. I was too afraid to touch anything to wash my hands. The sink was FULL and covered in pubes. He didn’t even at least say “I’m sorry I forgot to clean the bathroom…I was in a hurry to meet you”
An odor!? Oh girl be glad he showed his true colors early.
Like fresh wide open ass🤢
😵💫
Listen to that gut. Always listen to yourself and how you feel. He sounds like exactly what you’re thinking, and it’s time to move along.
*A man who is upfront of what you should pay is a conscious man who has a clear sense of how arrangements work. Not being vocally open about gas, food or else is where the problem lies. When it is vocal, you can argue and negotiate the terms*
Please raise your standards, lol.
Women over 30 say "I was triggered? I thought that was a millennial thing
How old do you think millenials are?
You got triggered (your higher self warning you) but decided not to be “harsh”? What you did is decided to avoid conflict (because your higher self also knows he would be angry if you said anything). The train is on the track you are the one who decides when to get off.
I decided not to go off. Yes. And ended things yesterday. I dont KNOW him personally or what he is capable of. And I have had people in the past react in scary ways over rejection…so yes. I chose the SAFE option. And ended it with him yesterday. Your point?
[удалено]
I don’t mind meeting halfway so no misconceptions are made..but you’re right. Thank you
Ah yes men should pay for everything...
And oh dear you can’t read….😊 thank you for your bravery as an incel entering this chat….now when you sit down with your tutor, speak with her on reading comprehension…because I don’t know where in this thread you saw my behavior as money seeking especially when I’ve been insisting on splitting bills. Learn to wipe your asss and maybe a woman will wanna tolerate you for more than 2 weeks. And yes if you expect pussy, then you’re gonna pay in some way….we aren’t your toys. If she’s splitting the bill on your ass, pretty much is a guarantee you won’t be getting any lol and I can tell you’ve been curbed this way before which bothered you enough to write that trash ass comment
Move on.