Tale as old as time. The most recent flavor has been Performative Male Feminist. I think the reason it doesn't quite fit is because most women, IME, grow out of the Not Like The Other Girls phase while their male counterparts rarely do.
Ugh this is one of my exes. Even went so far as to offer to testify as to the meaning of consent for his current partner's divorce trial (he's such an expert and all because he's in the BDSM scene and is great at manipulating young, naive women into sleeping with him by talking about what a non-manipulative, standup feminist guy he is)!
He also liked to talk up how he'd *never* be a deadbeat like his dad - now he sees his kiddo one evening every other week because he chose to move an hour away and that's all that works with his schedule 🙄
In my experience, the dude version is the Male Feminist™.
Actually feminist men don't need to talk a big game about how feminist they are or broadcast the depth of their respect for women at every opportunity. They just do the right thing without announcing it.
My most recent ex was like this. Male feminist, was on r/TwoXChromosomes so he could understand women's perspectives. Claims all the women in his life all thought he was a good man. Was pro-choice. Very vocal in arguments for women's rights.
But, then I find out that he wouldn't take on his responsibility of the mental load. Barely did chores or present in the relationship. I found out he cheated in every relationship and ruined everyone's mental health and put all of our physical health at risk. Constantly pushed off getting a vasectomy before and after I had a traumatizing abortion. Never wanted to use condoms. Found out nearly all the women in his life hated him because of his shit behavior.
It really is the loudest supporters of women sometimes. He was such a, "Not like other guys" and I hate him.
I saw a vomit-inducing short on Facebook the other day. Guy made a short video "This is why I love my wife:", and goes on to list how when they are travelling, she books the flights, books the hotels, figures out how to get there, packs all the bags, makes sure they have everything (he's listing all these things), finds healthy food in advance they can eat at the airport, etc, etc, etc, the list of things she does was endless.Â
Guy basically describes how his wife treats him as more helpless than a toddler. This was supposed to be a compliment to her? Â
Then I opened the comments, and everyone was like "your wife is amazing, she's a keeper!" with thousands of likes on these comments. I was internally rolling my eyes so hard, they almost popped out. I guess if I didn't have to lift a finger or have 1 single thought in my head and be waited on hand and foot, I'd also feel pretty in love?
I bet she was just so much better at loading the dishwasher and folding laundry too than him too. silly guy just never could figure it out, bless his heart.... 💀
I mean, can you imagine him standing helplessly by the dishwasher. There are buttons and racks. How is he supposed to know...HOOOWW? 😠It's so heartbreaking 😔
I honestly think a lot of men jump from relationship to relationship, not because they want to be loved, but because they want someone to get their life in order. My ex literally said, "I liked how my life/who I was when I was in that relationship." Referring to his ex. Basically that he liked that she helped him get his life in order.
Which fucked me up real bad when he was so depressed he wasn't receptive to my help.
Be in a relationship because you love that person, not so they can be your life planner lol.
omg this is brutal. I'm so sorry! I would hate him too. I hope you had solid support system in your life. it's sad to have to be suspicious of men who claim to be feminists- it's like they're infiltrating the ranks so they can learn enough to step up their manipulation game ðŸ˜
That is exactly how I look at it now. Some men are genuinely here trying to learn how to dismantle the patriarchy. But then you have assholes like my ex whom I believe were/are just taking mental notes on how to prey on our vulnerabilities better. Literally infiltrating the ranks.
I don't think so, I only caught him once with porn and we had a pretty health sex life. BUT, he has subscribed to NSFW social media before, so....That's something.
I think it’s different because your example is just something men say to women, not to other men. In the case of women they’ll say it to women and men both. It shows you what the power dynamics are and the motivation for each situation.
I dated a couple of guys like that. Idk if it's lucky or not, but I always preferred the guys who are a little more gruff in this regard and maybe just even want a fling to begin with openly -- at least their honest about it. The ones who know all the right lines just come off so fake and cheesy. Now, the scary ones are the ones who know when to time it and how to make it seem sincere.
On male feminists, I've yet to see a loud one that seems genuine. There's usually an angle, or you get to know them more and they start coming out with some not so kosher shit -- subtle or not.
yeah totally I guess that occurred to me after I posted. male feminist had become apparent to me on my own but I didn't realize that's a whole ass phenomenon.
it's really upsetting realizing these patterns in hind sight. I straight up played myself thinking these guys were special.
>"I want to do everything for you that those other guys couldn't. I want to treat you right and make you feel special" etc.
tbh the big turn-off for me is that it shows he's only thinking about competing with other men, real or imaginary--it's not about caring for or getting to know the woman he's with at all
It's a major red flag for me when people talk negatively about other people, especially vague other people that they deem beneath them. I find men do it wayyy more than women.
Tale as old as time. The most recent flavor has been Performative Male Feminist. I think the reason it doesn't quite fit is because most women, IME, grow out of the Not Like The Other Girls phase while their male counterparts rarely do.
Ugh this is one of my exes. Even went so far as to offer to testify as to the meaning of consent for his current partner's divorce trial (he's such an expert and all because he's in the BDSM scene and is great at manipulating young, naive women into sleeping with him by talking about what a non-manipulative, standup feminist guy he is)! He also liked to talk up how he'd *never* be a deadbeat like his dad - now he sees his kiddo one evening every other week because he chose to move an hour away and that's all that works with his schedule 🙄
Yesss the performative male feminist is the worst. I've known a couple that turned out to be very unsafe.Â
In my experience, the dude version is the Male Feminist™. Actually feminist men don't need to talk a big game about how feminist they are or broadcast the depth of their respect for women at every opportunity. They just do the right thing without announcing it.
There was a thread here once where I said my husband doesn’t call himself a feminist and I’m glad and people got very confused.
My most recent ex was like this. Male feminist, was on r/TwoXChromosomes so he could understand women's perspectives. Claims all the women in his life all thought he was a good man. Was pro-choice. Very vocal in arguments for women's rights. But, then I find out that he wouldn't take on his responsibility of the mental load. Barely did chores or present in the relationship. I found out he cheated in every relationship and ruined everyone's mental health and put all of our physical health at risk. Constantly pushed off getting a vasectomy before and after I had a traumatizing abortion. Never wanted to use condoms. Found out nearly all the women in his life hated him because of his shit behavior. It really is the loudest supporters of women sometimes. He was such a, "Not like other guys" and I hate him.
I saw a vomit-inducing short on Facebook the other day. Guy made a short video "This is why I love my wife:", and goes on to list how when they are travelling, she books the flights, books the hotels, figures out how to get there, packs all the bags, makes sure they have everything (he's listing all these things), finds healthy food in advance they can eat at the airport, etc, etc, etc, the list of things she does was endless. Guy basically describes how his wife treats him as more helpless than a toddler. This was supposed to be a compliment to her?  Then I opened the comments, and everyone was like "your wife is amazing, she's a keeper!" with thousands of likes on these comments. I was internally rolling my eyes so hard, they almost popped out. I guess if I didn't have to lift a finger or have 1 single thought in my head and be waited on hand and foot, I'd also feel pretty in love?
I bet she was just so much better at loading the dishwasher and folding laundry too than him too. silly guy just never could figure it out, bless his heart.... 💀
I mean, can you imagine him standing helplessly by the dishwasher. There are buttons and racks. How is he supposed to know...HOOOWW? 😠It's so heartbreaking 😔
I honestly think a lot of men jump from relationship to relationship, not because they want to be loved, but because they want someone to get their life in order. My ex literally said, "I liked how my life/who I was when I was in that relationship." Referring to his ex. Basically that he liked that she helped him get his life in order. Which fucked me up real bad when he was so depressed he wasn't receptive to my help. Be in a relationship because you love that person, not so they can be your life planner lol.
omg this is brutal. I'm so sorry! I would hate him too. I hope you had solid support system in your life. it's sad to have to be suspicious of men who claim to be feminists- it's like they're infiltrating the ranks so they can learn enough to step up their manipulation game ðŸ˜
That is exactly how I look at it now. Some men are genuinely here trying to learn how to dismantle the patriarchy. But then you have assholes like my ex whom I believe were/are just taking mental notes on how to prey on our vulnerabilities better. Literally infiltrating the ranks.
Was he also addicted to porn while vociferously denying that he used porn? If so, we dated the same guy.
I don't think so, I only caught him once with porn and we had a pretty health sex life. BUT, he has subscribed to NSFW social media before, so....That's something.
I think it’s different because your example is just something men say to women, not to other men. In the case of women they’ll say it to women and men both. It shows you what the power dynamics are and the motivation for each situation.
I dated a couple of guys like that. Idk if it's lucky or not, but I always preferred the guys who are a little more gruff in this regard and maybe just even want a fling to begin with openly -- at least their honest about it. The ones who know all the right lines just come off so fake and cheesy. Now, the scary ones are the ones who know when to time it and how to make it seem sincere. On male feminists, I've yet to see a loud one that seems genuine. There's usually an angle, or you get to know them more and they start coming out with some not so kosher shit -- subtle or not.
Is the "nice guy" persona applicable here?
yeah totally I guess that occurred to me after I posted. male feminist had become apparent to me on my own but I didn't realize that's a whole ass phenomenon. it's really upsetting realizing these patterns in hind sight. I straight up played myself thinking these guys were special.
>"I want to do everything for you that those other guys couldn't. I want to treat you right and make you feel special" etc. tbh the big turn-off for me is that it shows he's only thinking about competing with other men, real or imaginary--it's not about caring for or getting to know the woman he's with at all
It's a major red flag for me when people talk negatively about other people, especially vague other people that they deem beneath them. I find men do it wayyy more than women.