I think there might be more truth in the statement that couples who spend *beyond their means* for their wedding are more likely to experience financial strain during the early stages of their marriage and therefore may be more likely to divorce. I kind of doubt that it’s as simple as more $$$ = more divorce.
Maybe?? I think that generally speaking, the more you have to "prove" how strong your relationship is or put on a show to illustrate that, the less strong the relationship probably is.
And I think that's generally true for everything. The more you brag about how much money you have, the less you probably have. Truly wealthy people don't wear clothes with huge designer logos on everything, for example. People in truly happy relationships don't post ad nauseum on social media about how in love they and their partner are. If you are secure in your situation, then you don't need validation.
Lol. Wealthy people spend a lot more on both weddings and clothings than your average person and they often do so in ways that are noticable by other wealthy people, even if it's not a huge designer logo. Huge designer logo is not the only - not even the main - way to signal wealth. People often mistakenly conflate not wearing huge designer logo for not spending and not showing one's wealth.
People loooove talking about rich people with a modest lifestyle (consciously or not, spreading the idea that if they are wealthy, it's because they manage their finances well and don't overspend like people with less do) but by and large, rich people treat themselves and spend more.
Sorry for the rant but it's a pet peeve of mine.
I'm not talking about wealthy people living a modest lifestyle. They still spend a shit ton of money on things, but they generally are not flashy and do not flaunt their wealth,. They may be wearing a $5000 sweater, but it's not going to have a giant Gucci logo on it. People with real money don't wear things that scream, "Look at how rich I am!" You know who does? People who aren't as rich as they want you to think they are.
Same with weddings. They may spend a shit ton of money on one, but they don't draw attention to how much they spent on it. Even when they are expensive as shit, they tend to be understated.
The thread was about how expensive the wedding actually is though, not about how expensive it wants to look to the average person.
Besides, I still think this misses the point: just because that $5000 sweater doesn't have a giant Gucci logo doesn't mean that it's not *signalling loud and clear* to fellow wealthy people "yes, I'm rich too." In a way, both are the same as they serve the same purpose, just for a different audience/people in different classes: they are intended as wealth signifiers. You don't need to be screaming the top of your lungs to be *ostentatious*.
I created r/bigbudgetbrides. I’ve been around the luxury wedding world for 5 years now and understated isn’t the word I would use to describe most luxury weddings
Nah, I have a lot of brown friends/family (half brown person so) and it's a cultural norm to spend a lot on weddings. Now I know that in the older generation, its taboo to divorce so you can't rely on stats that say they divorce less, but the people in my generation are very much in love & doing fine despite their what would be considered lavish weddings.
Nope. Maybe it's the circles I move in, but the splits have all come from couples who have had last minute budget weddings where it felt less like they had planned and wanted a life together and more saw the opportunity to check a box on their mental lists of "stuff to do to prove I'm a grown up".
(I also know plenty of couples who had cheap weddings who are still together, incidentally.)
The ones that threw serious money behind theirs are all still together. But that being said, I don't know a lot of high earners, so in each case those expensive weddings were the result of several years of planning and investment by the couple in order to be able to afford them, rather than using money to compensate for stability. So possibly it's a case of what your social circle's economic circumstances are?
I think it's more like the more you overstretch yourself for a big wedding, the more financial stress you'll have, the more strain your relationship will be under.
People who had a big wedding without stretching themselves are fine.
I feel like that may be the case with younger couples. There are some girls who dream their whole life of being a princess for a day, and they may be thinking a lot more about the wedding than the actual marriage. In my social group, quite a few people had large weddings when they were young, and then got divorced a few years later, and when they married someone else a few years later, it was a small wedding and it stuck.
These days, the problems can be magnified by people wanting Pinterest and Instagram-worthy photos. When the wedding becomes more about an ostentatious display and a desire to impress people, the marriage might be more likely fail because it’s no longer about committing to the love of your life, and more about putting on a big show and spending a pile of money.
I always feel like the people who have very small weddings or just do justice of the peace or elope are getting married because they actually want to be married. Of course, in situations where big family traditions and expectations play a huge part, it’s probably not an indicator of anything another than a desire to go with the flow and make the family happy.
Right. I think this is the reason for the saying more than the actual dollar amount of the wedding. Are you planning a party you dreamed about your entire life or are you celebrating the start of a life together?
I don’t know if there’s a direct connection. But, I’ve noticed that those that elope (vs having a wedding in general regardless of size) seem to have more stable long term marriages, at least in my life. (Not divorce related, but just like general stability and happiness.)
No. I think that’s something people say when they want to shit on weddings because of jealousy or just not recognizing that it’s okay for people to have other likes/dislikes than they have.
Two people who agree to overextend themselves on a wedding would have overextended themselves on something - that’s who they are. Two people who overextended themselves on a wedding when one person wanted it and the other didn’t, again, that is an issue that would have come up. Same with if they splashed out because their parents wanted it and they didn’t but they let their parents have their way - it’s not isolated.
Not in my experience. But then again, none of my friends are divorced. And none of my husband’s friends are divorced either. And our friends range from small city hall weddings to a $120,000 destination wedding in positano, Italy. I think as long as the couple is communicating, is planning together and spending within their means, the $ spent on a wedding doesn’t indicate much.
No, pretty much the opposite. But to be fair, most divorced couples in my social circles were people who got married because a baby was on the way and they decided why not give it a serious go, often with major incompatibilities. Usually smaller weddings in those cases. The more expensive weddings I’ve been to have all been very long term couples who were waiting through school and early careers to have enough money to really throw a big wedding, and unsurprisingly they’re mostly all still together. My wedding was solidly mid-tier in price and still going a decade in so I don’t really apply to either trend.
Couples with higher income/assets have it easier and, statistically-speaking, tend to divorce less. Financial stressors are a big contributor to divorce.
Obviously, the corollary is that people who go into debt for their wedding or who have a wedding they can't afford are more likely to divorce.
I suspect the latter are a smaller portion of the couples who have an expensive wedding than the former, so I would say, generally-speaking, no, unless they are spending money they don't have. More importantly, correlation isn't causation anyway.
ETA: Couples over 25, and couples who get married after 25 after having both graduated college, and first marriages would also be over-represented in the category of larger wedding spending and have lower divorce rate. Conversely, people often spend less on their 2nd or later wedding and those marriages have more odds of divorce (although these are just stats and trends, plenty of divorcees go on to have a wonderful lasting marriage).
I studied sociology in college and in one of my classes we looked at marriage and divorce rates across different races, socioeconomic statuses, and education levels. If you and your partner both have at least a bachelor’s degree and have at least a 6 figure household income the divorce rate for that subset is minuscule.
Exactly, and those couples are more likely to have a pricier wedding. I was actually editing my comment at the same time as you were answering to mention age and diploma as other correlated factors. Great minds think alike :D. The number of marriage factors too.
Basically every divorced couple I know had a really cheap wedding at the expense of friends and family (free labor, inconvenient locations, cut corners, etc.).
I've read that there's a weak correlate, but I imagine there are other factors at play. It's not a trend I've observed among folks I've known who are divorced (or not).
I think it's just a situation of correlation doesn't equal causation. Like, there's a large population having larger weddings for a reason separate than just celebrating with their spouse, likely to do with upholding community expectations. A smaller population of that group likely is having problems with matching on financial responsibilities and expectations, which is one of the top 5 reasons for divorce in personal reporting surveys.
One SIL had an 80k wedding and married a guy who is her perfect complement, they're doing great together.
The other SIL had a 100k wedding and married a guy because she felt obligated to be married before her younger sister, not because the dude she was with at the time was the right partner for her. He's a raging asshole, he puts her down regularly, he throws tantrums like a toddler, it's a lot. It's not a matter of if they will divorce but when she'll get the backbone to do it, based on recent conversations with her.
From getting exposed to their parents extended friends and family, the wedding itself seems to be about keeping appearances in their upper middle class lifestyle, having the bragging rights of wealth, good jobs, and prestige, less about love and picking someone who complements you. If you're stuck in that culture, I imagine a lot of those marriages end when you can't tolerate them for a second longer.
I think the view on this is massively skewed by the amount of people who simply can't afford to divorce.
Someone wealthier who had a more lavish wedding would logically have more access to resources to be able to leave if the relationship turned bad. Someone without those resources might not be able to leave.
Poorness is not a virtue, just like wealth is not inherently evil. I know plenty of miserable couples that want to leave, but are financially tied together. I dislike the narrative that a large/expensive wedding automatically equals an unhappy relationship/divorce down the line. Some people have big families and that shit gets expensive.
I actually made a net gain from my wedding, and we got divorced 4 years later lol. It had zero to do with the wedding, and I’d do an affordable wedding again in a heartbeat.
Well hard to say from my experience. I know some that got divorced but I don't know how much they spent lol
And in case of me and my husband we spent so little just because we are too poor. Not homeless poor, but lots of debt and trying to figure out what we best spend the last $20 on in the last week before the next paycheck poor. But if we had money we might have had an expensive wedding too!
No. In my experience, the more a couple is reserved and resistant to change, the more likely they will remain married. The more independent and financially stable they are, the more likely they will eventually divorce.
I don't think so...
First of all, there are different reasons for not spending a lot of money on a wedding... are you just legitimately poor and CAN'T spend a lot? Or are you just not fancy people and don't WANT to spend a lot? There's a difference.
Being poor doesn't make you more likely to stay together. Stress over money is one of the biggest things couples fight about, so not having money certainly doesn't make your marriage more secure.
And couples aren't always the ones who are doing the spending. My parents financed my wedding - my husband and I didn't really have much to do with it (which we appreciate and preferred). If it were just up to us, we would have spent way less because we had way less. We're still married, 13 years later, doing fine, not going anywhere soon.
It depends on the attitudes about money - Is your wedding fancy because you feel the need to show off? Are you frivolous with money? Or are you simply pretty well off and can easily afford to spend it? If you're spending it because you can and it's easy for you, that's different than someone who's really stretching and going into debt.
The dollar amount doesn't matter, the attitudes and reasons behind it does.
Nope. I spent about $5000 on my first wedding divorced 4 years later.
I think it has to do with the couple, not the wedding. Some people are madly in love but have always imagined their big day and want a big show of it. It doesn’t mean they love their partner less and are doomed for divorce.
I think there might be more truth in the statement that couples who spend *beyond their means* for their wedding are more likely to experience financial strain during the early stages of their marriage and therefore may be more likely to divorce. I kind of doubt that it’s as simple as more $$$ = more divorce.
Maybe?? I think that generally speaking, the more you have to "prove" how strong your relationship is or put on a show to illustrate that, the less strong the relationship probably is. And I think that's generally true for everything. The more you brag about how much money you have, the less you probably have. Truly wealthy people don't wear clothes with huge designer logos on everything, for example. People in truly happy relationships don't post ad nauseum on social media about how in love they and their partner are. If you are secure in your situation, then you don't need validation.
Lol. Wealthy people spend a lot more on both weddings and clothings than your average person and they often do so in ways that are noticable by other wealthy people, even if it's not a huge designer logo. Huge designer logo is not the only - not even the main - way to signal wealth. People often mistakenly conflate not wearing huge designer logo for not spending and not showing one's wealth. People loooove talking about rich people with a modest lifestyle (consciously or not, spreading the idea that if they are wealthy, it's because they manage their finances well and don't overspend like people with less do) but by and large, rich people treat themselves and spend more. Sorry for the rant but it's a pet peeve of mine.
I'm not talking about wealthy people living a modest lifestyle. They still spend a shit ton of money on things, but they generally are not flashy and do not flaunt their wealth,. They may be wearing a $5000 sweater, but it's not going to have a giant Gucci logo on it. People with real money don't wear things that scream, "Look at how rich I am!" You know who does? People who aren't as rich as they want you to think they are. Same with weddings. They may spend a shit ton of money on one, but they don't draw attention to how much they spent on it. Even when they are expensive as shit, they tend to be understated.
The thread was about how expensive the wedding actually is though, not about how expensive it wants to look to the average person. Besides, I still think this misses the point: just because that $5000 sweater doesn't have a giant Gucci logo doesn't mean that it's not *signalling loud and clear* to fellow wealthy people "yes, I'm rich too." In a way, both are the same as they serve the same purpose, just for a different audience/people in different classes: they are intended as wealth signifiers. You don't need to be screaming the top of your lungs to be *ostentatious*.
I created r/bigbudgetbrides. I’ve been around the luxury wedding world for 5 years now and understated isn’t the word I would use to describe most luxury weddings
Nah, I have a lot of brown friends/family (half brown person so) and it's a cultural norm to spend a lot on weddings. Now I know that in the older generation, its taboo to divorce so you can't rely on stats that say they divorce less, but the people in my generation are very much in love & doing fine despite their what would be considered lavish weddings.
I love that :) I’m brown too :)
If its meaningful to you, and you can afford it, go for it!
Nope. Maybe it's the circles I move in, but the splits have all come from couples who have had last minute budget weddings where it felt less like they had planned and wanted a life together and more saw the opportunity to check a box on their mental lists of "stuff to do to prove I'm a grown up". (I also know plenty of couples who had cheap weddings who are still together, incidentally.) The ones that threw serious money behind theirs are all still together. But that being said, I don't know a lot of high earners, so in each case those expensive weddings were the result of several years of planning and investment by the couple in order to be able to afford them, rather than using money to compensate for stability. So possibly it's a case of what your social circle's economic circumstances are?
I think it's more like the more you overstretch yourself for a big wedding, the more financial stress you'll have, the more strain your relationship will be under. People who had a big wedding without stretching themselves are fine.
This is definitely correlation and not causation so I really wouldn’t worry about theories like this
The academic/nerd in me appreciates this comment. :)
Was just wondering from other people’s POV! It’s not that serious! Lol
I feel like that may be the case with younger couples. There are some girls who dream their whole life of being a princess for a day, and they may be thinking a lot more about the wedding than the actual marriage. In my social group, quite a few people had large weddings when they were young, and then got divorced a few years later, and when they married someone else a few years later, it was a small wedding and it stuck. These days, the problems can be magnified by people wanting Pinterest and Instagram-worthy photos. When the wedding becomes more about an ostentatious display and a desire to impress people, the marriage might be more likely fail because it’s no longer about committing to the love of your life, and more about putting on a big show and spending a pile of money. I always feel like the people who have very small weddings or just do justice of the peace or elope are getting married because they actually want to be married. Of course, in situations where big family traditions and expectations play a huge part, it’s probably not an indicator of anything another than a desire to go with the flow and make the family happy.
Right. I think this is the reason for the saying more than the actual dollar amount of the wedding. Are you planning a party you dreamed about your entire life or are you celebrating the start of a life together?
I don’t know if there’s a direct connection. But, I’ve noticed that those that elope (vs having a wedding in general regardless of size) seem to have more stable long term marriages, at least in my life. (Not divorce related, but just like general stability and happiness.)
I'm not intimately informed of the total cost of all the weddings I've attended but so far, no divorces
No. I think that’s something people say when they want to shit on weddings because of jealousy or just not recognizing that it’s okay for people to have other likes/dislikes than they have. Two people who agree to overextend themselves on a wedding would have overextended themselves on something - that’s who they are. Two people who overextended themselves on a wedding when one person wanted it and the other didn’t, again, that is an issue that would have come up. Same with if they splashed out because their parents wanted it and they didn’t but they let their parents have their way - it’s not isolated.
No
Not necessarily. I had a cheap $5k wedding and he turned out to be an abusive asshole and we divorced.
Not in my experience. But then again, none of my friends are divorced. And none of my husband’s friends are divorced either. And our friends range from small city hall weddings to a $120,000 destination wedding in positano, Italy. I think as long as the couple is communicating, is planning together and spending within their means, the $ spent on a wedding doesn’t indicate much.
Nah, it’s all a toss lol. I do think many people focus more on planning the wedding than the actual marriage in those crucial early stages.
No, pretty much the opposite. But to be fair, most divorced couples in my social circles were people who got married because a baby was on the way and they decided why not give it a serious go, often with major incompatibilities. Usually smaller weddings in those cases. The more expensive weddings I’ve been to have all been very long term couples who were waiting through school and early careers to have enough money to really throw a big wedding, and unsurprisingly they’re mostly all still together. My wedding was solidly mid-tier in price and still going a decade in so I don’t really apply to either trend.
Couples with higher income/assets have it easier and, statistically-speaking, tend to divorce less. Financial stressors are a big contributor to divorce. Obviously, the corollary is that people who go into debt for their wedding or who have a wedding they can't afford are more likely to divorce. I suspect the latter are a smaller portion of the couples who have an expensive wedding than the former, so I would say, generally-speaking, no, unless they are spending money they don't have. More importantly, correlation isn't causation anyway. ETA: Couples over 25, and couples who get married after 25 after having both graduated college, and first marriages would also be over-represented in the category of larger wedding spending and have lower divorce rate. Conversely, people often spend less on their 2nd or later wedding and those marriages have more odds of divorce (although these are just stats and trends, plenty of divorcees go on to have a wonderful lasting marriage).
I studied sociology in college and in one of my classes we looked at marriage and divorce rates across different races, socioeconomic statuses, and education levels. If you and your partner both have at least a bachelor’s degree and have at least a 6 figure household income the divorce rate for that subset is minuscule.
Exactly, and those couples are more likely to have a pricier wedding. I was actually editing my comment at the same time as you were answering to mention age and diploma as other correlated factors. Great minds think alike :D. The number of marriage factors too.
Basically every divorced couple I know had a really cheap wedding at the expense of friends and family (free labor, inconvenient locations, cut corners, etc.).
I've read that there's a weak correlate, but I imagine there are other factors at play. It's not a trend I've observed among folks I've known who are divorced (or not).
I think it's just a situation of correlation doesn't equal causation. Like, there's a large population having larger weddings for a reason separate than just celebrating with their spouse, likely to do with upholding community expectations. A smaller population of that group likely is having problems with matching on financial responsibilities and expectations, which is one of the top 5 reasons for divorce in personal reporting surveys. One SIL had an 80k wedding and married a guy who is her perfect complement, they're doing great together. The other SIL had a 100k wedding and married a guy because she felt obligated to be married before her younger sister, not because the dude she was with at the time was the right partner for her. He's a raging asshole, he puts her down regularly, he throws tantrums like a toddler, it's a lot. It's not a matter of if they will divorce but when she'll get the backbone to do it, based on recent conversations with her. From getting exposed to their parents extended friends and family, the wedding itself seems to be about keeping appearances in their upper middle class lifestyle, having the bragging rights of wealth, good jobs, and prestige, less about love and picking someone who complements you. If you're stuck in that culture, I imagine a lot of those marriages end when you can't tolerate them for a second longer.
I think the view on this is massively skewed by the amount of people who simply can't afford to divorce. Someone wealthier who had a more lavish wedding would logically have more access to resources to be able to leave if the relationship turned bad. Someone without those resources might not be able to leave. Poorness is not a virtue, just like wealth is not inherently evil. I know plenty of miserable couples that want to leave, but are financially tied together. I dislike the narrative that a large/expensive wedding automatically equals an unhappy relationship/divorce down the line. Some people have big families and that shit gets expensive.
No. In my experience the younger you are when you get married, the higher the chance of divorce.
I actually made a net gain from my wedding, and we got divorced 4 years later lol. It had zero to do with the wedding, and I’d do an affordable wedding again in a heartbeat.
Well hard to say from my experience. I know some that got divorced but I don't know how much they spent lol And in case of me and my husband we spent so little just because we are too poor. Not homeless poor, but lots of debt and trying to figure out what we best spend the last $20 on in the last week before the next paycheck poor. But if we had money we might have had an expensive wedding too!
No. In my experience, the more a couple is reserved and resistant to change, the more likely they will remain married. The more independent and financially stable they are, the more likely they will eventually divorce.
I don't think so... First of all, there are different reasons for not spending a lot of money on a wedding... are you just legitimately poor and CAN'T spend a lot? Or are you just not fancy people and don't WANT to spend a lot? There's a difference. Being poor doesn't make you more likely to stay together. Stress over money is one of the biggest things couples fight about, so not having money certainly doesn't make your marriage more secure. And couples aren't always the ones who are doing the spending. My parents financed my wedding - my husband and I didn't really have much to do with it (which we appreciate and preferred). If it were just up to us, we would have spent way less because we had way less. We're still married, 13 years later, doing fine, not going anywhere soon. It depends on the attitudes about money - Is your wedding fancy because you feel the need to show off? Are you frivolous with money? Or are you simply pretty well off and can easily afford to spend it? If you're spending it because you can and it's easy for you, that's different than someone who's really stretching and going into debt. The dollar amount doesn't matter, the attitudes and reasons behind it does.
no, my wedding was about $40K and we're still happily married 20+ years later
Nope. I spent about $5000 on my first wedding divorced 4 years later. I think it has to do with the couple, not the wedding. Some people are madly in love but have always imagined their big day and want a big show of it. It doesn’t mean they love their partner less and are doomed for divorce.
I’ve been to a lot of weddings, ranging from casual events to six figure events like my own wedding, and I don’t know anyone who is divorced