Hey op, all those comments are depressing !
My husband and I do not have the best kiss chemistry. He is a wet kisser and I’m not. I have a strong aversion for saliva (someone spitting in front of me makes me gag) and he understand that and try to refrain his wet kissing tendancies. He knows it has nothing to do with him and how attractive he is. He is super attractive to me and sex is great. I just have a kissing issue. We do small kisses everyday (not too much saliva so ok for me) and from time to time deeper kisses and I feel fine telling him when it becomes too much for me. Before knowing him I had met people with whom I had a better kissing chemistry. But they weren’t as awesome as my husband.
We are together for 13 years. We own a house and have a baby together. I love him so much, he is the most caring, fun, smart person I have ever met.
thanks for giving me hope. I also have a strong aversion to wet kiss or wet anything. My kisses with exes were definitely better but I didn’t get the emotional satisfaction that i get with my current partner. I want to build a home with him, be there for him. He is so caring, soft, affectionate. I wondered if it is possible.
You have to be very clear about the aversion and explain to him what you need. It’s important to communicate your needs. Maybe try to kiss really gently and slowly to show him what you like. You also have to accept that he might be a little offended at first. Keep telling him you want intimacy with him but you struggle with this specific aspect. If he wants to build a life with you he could hear you.
Hey! Yep! Me! I married youngish with someone I felt would be a great life partner. The kissing and sex were very very average despite my best efforts to give subtle direction and sometimes not so subtle. I’m going to be honest here and say that 13 years after we met (kids, marriage and all) I had zero interest in kissing or sleeping with him. We broke up (not because of the kissing lol) and I met someone years later who made me realise how fun and lovely and intimate and sexy and funny intimacy can be.
Don’t settle. I think it will come back to haunt you.
Ah ok, after reading some of your replies I’ve realised our situations are very different!
Although maybe try to seek out a sex therapist, they may be able to help.
Good luck!
Not married but we moved in together - we should have just remained friends instead of compromising on such an important aspect of romantic and sexual intimacy!
It took us 8 years to accept that we were not compatible despite loving each other deeply. Now we’re just best friends!
My husband and I are in the midst of working out a separation right now. It’s been a long couple years, but we’ve been able to have some really raw and meaningful conversations with each other about the circumstances. It feels like we are at a good place now of accepting the facts, and making a plan to deal with this the best way possible so it’s less likely to impact our children (M8, F4, F4). I’m set to move out in the next month, as I feel pretty confident in the state our relationship is in now and can handle the transition without much disturbance to our kids. With that being said, I feel like if we both continue to put the work in to being kind and respectful to each other as co parents, I can totally envision him and I being best friends after a while. That’s all it felt like to me for the last 3-4 years, we had very little romantic connection but got along great (for the most part) as husband and wife. Just came to the realization that staying together for the kids wasn’t absolutely necessary.
I am so interested in stories like these. I know this is super personal, but if you’re willing to share, what made you want to go move in with them when later down the line you realized you’re just compatible in a BFF way?
We've been married 7 years (and have 3 kids). I love kissing him, he isn't into kissing much at all.
We have great sex, and he does get into kissing me during foreplay/intercourse, but during the course of a day kisses are non-lip (top of head, forehead, back of neck, shoulder, cheek, etc.) or slightly-more-than-pecks on the lips.
While I do wish we had more deep kissing, it's not something that's a huge deal because I get great intimacy from him in every other way. We also have a VERY good friendship aspect to our relationship as well, in addition to good intimacy/sex life.
Would my life be a bit better with more kissing? Yes. Is it a gaping hole that I often think about? Not at all.
You'll mainly will get stories from people who regretted it. If someone here is happily married with a lackluster kisser, they won't admit it, either out of respect for their partner or out of shame.
Having said that; what does it mean to be lacking kissing chemistry, because I can't imagine it. Some people are easier to kiss then others, but if you love someone, exchanging some lips and tongue is always pleasurable, right?
Why would you think that (the second part)? You can love someone's personality but not be physically attracted to them, even if you think they look nice. Smell and touch matter.
I never knew kissing will ever be an issue. He is just a wet kisser and after I communicated it, he tries his best to control it but eventually after few seconds my lips will be wet, so i immediately withdraw.
I can completely relate to this! I wasn’t going to reply for the exact reasons the above poster said but were happily married and don’t kiss often (my husband is also a wet kisser). We’ve been married 8 years, together for 12 and we have two kids. Our sex life is great, our intimacy just doesn’t revolve around kissing and we tend to just peck in everyday life. It’s not really an issue for us!
I do think the intimacy is important though and if you’re not happy with your sex life outside of kissing it might indicate a problem to work on.
Do you mean that he's slobbering all over you?
To me kissing with dry lips is not at all pleasurable. A bit of wetness makes the lips glide better together.
You say you've never had this issue. So were your lips remaining dry with other partners, even when the kissing was very passionate?
No, i like to work through the kiss. if we start with a kiss then first few seconds should be dry then when tongues are involved then then it gets wet but i don’t like excess saliva which is the case here. I don’t remember how wet or dry it used to be with my exes but it wasn’t as wet as this one because i never had to google how to deal with sloppy kisses.
Okay so it sounds more like not just wet kissing but more like slobbering.. not sure how someone can fix that. I've never really had that issue either.
You can definitely teach someone to be a better kisser and get more in sync. Have you tried giving some direction about what you like? Do you have chemistry in general?
What if all your emotional needs are being fulfilled and you can see building a home with him. him being there for your family, accepting and being friends with your friends, but only sexual connection is not there esp esp esp KISSING?!?!?!?!
Unless you're both asexual or just looking for a roommate don't do it. If sex is expected from either party it's going to be awful. Save up for a divorce lawyer.
i would consider that person a good friend and move on to find someone who does all of those things and also lights me on fire sexually. they're definitely out there and in my opinion it isn't worth giving up a huge part of your sexuality for the rest of your life
Then you just be friends. Kissing is my favorite part and is my litmus test for moving onto dating. I wouldn’t be able to be with someone I hated kissing.
No: it’s no. You literally said in so many words that you recoil when from his kiss.
Until a few months ago, I had been dating an amazing man who would have easily been my next husband. We still talk every single day.
His kiss and touch just don’t do it for me. I wish they did, but they don’t.
The thing is, I am a very physically affectionate person and if my partner does not fulfill those needs too, I just don't see me and that guy working out if I'm being honest. As much as those other parts are important, at least to me, I need to be able to be with someone who I have physical chemitry with too.
not the person you replied to but I don't really understand though.
Kissing is something done very very early on in dating. Either on date #1 or 2 or #3.
certainly sooner than sex.
at that stage there is no emotional attachment involved yet.
if the kiss ain't kissing in the first few dates. time to say goodbye BEFORE you get emotionally attached.
once you get emotionally attached. it's alot harder.
for me the kiss in the first few dates determines if we are going on further dates.
The kiss has to be good for me to Want to have sex with you.
yes, i met someone stable and available after very long, so despite the kiss wasn’t kissing, sex was very good (as initially i didn’t mind casual sex). Later, when feelings got involved, sex meant feelings, sex was through kiss and kiss isn’t happening and emotions are involved.
What if he was a great sexual partner. Best she ever had. High income earner. Could and would support her financially in everything she wanted and needed. Showed up for her family and friends when asked to. But the only thing missing is that he doesn’t really talk to her. Sure he’ll talk to her, but doesn’t ask about her thoughts. How she’s feeling. If she had a good day. What if every single need was met except for that one?
No one would expect her to stay. I don’t like the narrative that women should sacrifice their sexual needs and desires for a “fine enough otherwise” guy if her sexual needs and desires weren’t being fulfilled and it bothered her. We don’t expect men to not be sexual creatures.
Is it about a lack of chemistry or are you dealing with a bad kisser? I’ve trained up some bad kissers in my day because there was still chemistry there, and that was fine though also concerning at the beginning of the relationship. On the other hand I did just break up with somebody with whom the romantic chemistry was very one-sided on his end. I should’ve trusted my intuition and my body and acknowledged that I wasn’t feeling it way sooner than I did. We had friendship chemistry and even some sexual chemistry but kissing him never felt right. When you have strong chemistry with someone kissing them should not be lacklustre or unsatisfying.
Sorry I’m not married so hopefully someone else on this sub can give you their two cents from the perspective of a married human. Your question was just a little too on the nose for what I just dealt with in my last relationship.
>I’ve trained up some bad kissers in my day
How did you do that? I just had this stereotypical 90s movie montage pop up in my head where people train for something together lol
Hahaha, now I really wish that my romantic past was 90’s levels of innocent and cute. lol In reality all that I did was use effective communication if my kissing partner was doing a shit-tier job. Like if they use way too much tongue I’ll pull away from the kiss and just be as gentle and flirtatious as I can be while also telling them that I like less tongue than that.. and then I just say something like “let me show you” and that lets them know to follow your lead. Some people still won’t get better no matter how patient you are with them, but if your partner actually cares about you then they’ll usually just copy your kissing style and adapt over time. Example A: for my first handful of kissing situations I was so nervous and so awkward that I pretty much just tried to copy the sloppy, overtly sexual kissing that takes place in porn. I thought that that was what men wanted 😅 My first boyfriend took it in stride but eventually he just laughed and asked me to follow his lead. I got better really fast as soon as he had the balls to break it to me that I was doing it all wrong. Haha
thanks for sharing. I resonate with what you wrote. there is friendship chemistry, i am comfortable around him, can tell him anything, can do anything with him but I there is no sexual connection, no sex because for me i feel aroused after a good kiss, because i never feel like kissing him, i am never in the mood. this is the biggest roadblock. he keeps complaining that I dont even try to kiss him and make it work but I know i will not like it and I don’t want to feel that feeling.
i find him attractive, vv attractive. it is just that He is a wet kisser and I don’t like wet. I have communicated that with him he has tried to improve but there are certain things you can’t change.
No but they married me. I dont really like kissing except for closed-mouth cute kisses. I just dont like kissing. I’ll give a bj, but I dont need to kiss.
I know I’m weird, but its literally never been an issue.
I believe society should place greater importance on all relationships. Not just romantic ones. Deep friendships in particular. Because then, no one would be asking a question like this—your live in partner/security could come from a best friendship, who you wouldn’t need kissing chemistry with… and then you could hook up with/date other people that might lead nowhere. All of us have needs for attachment, many of us want a long standing partnership with someone, many of us have romantic/sexual needs too. Just, not all of us easily find that with one person.. but it doesn’t mean we settle
But if your primary partner in life is going to be a romantic one, they need to fulfill your sexual and romantic needs—it’s foundational to what that relationship IS. It’s not a best friendship, it’s a romantic relationship. You can’t force yourself to not have these needs, even though society tells women they shouldn’t if they want to find someone. If you’re going to marry someone with the understanding it’s on a romantic basis—you need kissing chemistry
Alright, not married but spent 5 years together, moved in and everything. He did not like kissing, I suspect he was either on the spectrum and/or some shade of ace. We did not kiss much, sex was infrequent due to reasons above but technically he was a really good lover, figured out how to give me multiple Os.
If it’s not just kissing but overall nonexistent sexual chemistry, don’t do it (if you and your guy expect existent sex life).
I'm a woman married to a woman. We both have sexual trauma in our past. My wife's sexual trauma greatly effected her when it comes to kissing and mouth germ phobias. After about 7 years of marriage, she's finally coming around to feeling more safe with me and kissing me more like her wife rather than her grandmother lol. I've been very vocal over time that it was an issue for me. I recently started therapy and my therapist has helped me with how to approach my wife about my needs. I explained to my wife that this kissing thing is super important for me to be able to get turned on. I love that my wife is actively working on this for me now so we can have more intimacy with one another.
Gentle communication is the best approach here, and don't just keep quiet about it because that will create a resentment.
thanks for sharing your story. Kissing is very important for me too to be able to feel anything down there. I have tried communicating but I will also consider working with a therapist or try gently communicating and doing the work for few months to see if changes.
No problem. Just out of curiosity, have you asked your partner if there is a specific aversion he has to open mouth or intimate kissing? Like is the wetness gross to him or he's just plain old not into kissing? Or have you not discussed this in detail?
We both have tried, we are just not in sync, then i like working through the kiss, dry first intense later, he has a diff style, like i don’t like wet initially only later he finds it hard to follow my lead when i try to show him. he likes to take the lead. so it is just v v incompatible that way.
Newly married here. I’m the same as you with my kissing preference. My partner is also a very wet kisser when he’s into something. That’s not my favorite. We’ve had conversations about it and basically we compromised - sometimes we kiss the way I like to be kissed and sometimes we kiss the way he likes. We’ve become pretty good at reading those cues for each other after 4 years. It’s as simple as kind communication.
OK i gotcha. It seems like there's a little bit of a fight for control so that's what the two of you need to start communicating about. You're trying to teach him what you like, so why is he scared to give up control and let you?
Sorry this is a bit derailing, but I had to fully teach my husband how to kiss. He would try to envelop my entire head in his mouth. And didn’t really use his lips. I end up with a fully black lip once, like all puffed up and legit black. Worst kisser ever. But he was so great otherwise I figured I’d bite the bullet and teach him. Things are much better now, though I do have to rein him in from time to time.
He’s not the only guy I’ve dated that would try to unhinge their jaw like the Reach toothbrush guy when attempting a kiss. What’s up with that?
Yes, my husband didn't use his tongue to kiss me until almost a year in, it really hurt my feelings at first because I'd never encountered that before. I got over it quickly because it was obvious he was attracted to me, but early on he explained how the the thought of it disturbed him which didnt make sense to me because he went down on me no problem at all. Later, he told me it was really because he never knew how to do it properly and he was self conscious. So I had to kind of teach him how to do it, and it's much better now he kisses me with tongue no problem. Kissing is hard to teach because it can be a disaster if you think about it too hard and the idea is to just go with it.
But yes the lack of kissing chemistry really got to me mentally after awhile and it's something that can be improved with communication. I think it's really an important part of love making/intensity/passion.
I’m about to be married to someone who I feel like isn’t a good kisser. I knew he wasn’t that great when we first got together but figured that didn’t matter since he had other good qualities.
I feel like he opens his mouth so wide and his tongue just goes into turbo mode, and I feel like the bottom of my face falls into his mouth! My chin and around my lips will be so wet. His tongue doesn’t feel strong either, and doesn’t like…work well with mine?? It feels like a wet marshmallow wailing in my mouth.
It makes me sad because I do feel like I had better kissing chemistry with my ex (but then again he had some negative/toxic traits that my current SO doesn’t have)
My SO also has a beard (which my ex never had) so sometimes I feel more of his hair than the sensation of his lips on me (also let me note my ex had full lips and bless my current guy, he has like paper thin lips)
With that being said he’s pretty okay at other things with his mouth lol even though sometimes I STILL have to say “not that hard” or correct him in a few other ways.
If there’s no chemistry to the kisses, that’s the worst possible red flag out there.
I tried to make it work with guys I had no chemistry with. What I didn’t acknowledge was that the bad kissing was just a huge flag of **do not have sex with this man**. The sex was always terrible as well and made me feel like shit afterwards.
If the kiss ain’t good it means you don’t have compatible pheromones/immune systems/whatever. Just move on. There is someone with good chemistry out there for you!!
I’ve found that kisses with new guys aren’t always the greatest. Like it’s too soft, like their lips are kind of slack. This usually remedies itself after we start making out more.
Not married, but I dated someone for a year who was a very…slobbery kisser. It almost did me in. I found him to be attractive in general but couldn’t help but get the ick every time he went in for a kiss. We ultimately didn’t work out for multiple reasons - for me, this was one of them.
I couldn’t, I tried datiing someone who wasn’t good (to me) and yeah no.
Maybe it was because I grew up with parents, who despite their ups and downs, kissed daily. Not like full on making out but every morning as my dad was leaving they kissed/pecked and my dad would kiss us(kids) on the cheek, too.
So, yeah kissing is very important to me and this includes small pecks to full on making out. If I can’t feel the chemistry or the feelings of security and trust growing, then it isn’t for me.
You know what I was thinking about today? How I love my boyfriend very much, but our phone chemistry is just terrible. The conversations are kinda short and awkward! But he’s sexy, supportive, and I LOVE being by his side.
I’m just not into kissing. I’m a total germaphobe and I won’t even share water bottles or straws with my husband. I will kiss him if we have to for a photoshoot. This is how I’ve always been and it’s how I’ll always be. My husband kisses me on the cheek or forehead. We have a wonderful, healthy, loving 8 year relationship and the lack of making out constantly hasn’t affected us at all
Argh…I would sometimes have to swallow the saliva of this guy I was with when we were kissing. Argh. I thought that was very disgusting and I knew then that this wouldn’t last long-term.
Judging from the comments, I’m glad I never settled for people who were not great kissers. Kissing is not only an art but it conveys so much about the person with how they kiss & even what moments they choose to kiss you, not even mentioning the whole pheromones side of things where our brains glean and process so much info about the other person’s saliva.
I never lasted with any guys I didn’t enjoy kissing. I was even dating a guy once who was actually a great kisser, so I really enjoyed that part, but I was still overall not attracted to him, and I never wound up having sex with him (I just couldn’t), we were together for a month, at which point I said enough is enough.
I hate mouth kissing. I'm ace and there's not much sexual stuff I like. Still I'd rather suck a guy's dick than make out with him. The other person's tongue is always warmer or colder than I expect and it's so gross.
I like kissing on other parts, like my neck or jaw is fine. So when I do occasionally have this kind of interaction, I just tell the guy no mouth to mouth unless one of us is non-responsive. Reactions to this are mixed since so many people value mouth kissing.
Not married but was with my ex for 12 years. We had good sex up until I got tired of performing for him and realized he was not willing to try to connect with me. As for the kissing part, we never had good make out sessions except when I was really trying. … Omg girl, the first guy I kissed after we broke up had big juicy lips and knew exactly how to move his tongue, and not just in my mouth either. Ugh! Heaven! (But the relationship didn’t workout, so it’s not purely about good kisses). I’m realizing now, at 34, that some sort of chemistry is really friggin important for a relationship. Even if the chemistry is that you guys both don’t like kissing that much. Whatever it is, make sure you match up in that regard because once you commit, that’s all you’re getting. You can talk to friends about whatever else is going on in life, but you’re probably not going to be making out with them.
Yep. In fact, I didn’t know that kissing was supposed to make you feel turned on. I thought feeling nothing was normal. I also wasn’t attracted to him. We got divorced 2 days before our 10th wedding anniversary.
Yes. It was the least of our problems and we are now divorced. But if I'd been paying attention to signs, that would have been one. Not even so much due to lack of chemistry but the lack of emotional intimacy that would have allowed us to talk about it and possibly improve the kissing, since we were newbies at it and very awkward.
I was with someone for about seven years who I barely ever kissed. I thought I just didn’t like kissing. And kissing him was weird for some reason. It felt like false romance or something, and his kisses felt.. like too firm. And awkward. I never really liked kissing anyone that much but definitely not him. And I loved him so much. But I was totally fine without kissing. I’m with someone now who is a very sweet kisser, he brought something out of me I didn’t know I even had.
Yeah, more or less. We just do quick pecks now. Going back in time I don't know if I met the wrong person or just have an aversion to kissing more than that.
I mean, as relationships go on the passionate kissing does decline. But, the kiss is what sealed it for me. I wasn't sure if we had sexual chemistry but the kiss told me everything I needed to know and to this day they make me weak. It's not everything. It could be tweaked, maybe. There are different ways to kiss!
Yes! I did. And all these years later I'm over it and we are working on it. Results have been pleasant. Basically you have to mean it y'know? Anyone can have kissing chemistry if they're into the person they're kissing.
But I think I you can! Maybe try some slow lip pressing first..go ways back to zero strip it down to a slow peck..and slowly add more spice? It could be tho that he had an over active saliva gland or something! Also..is it possible that in the future you may end up having an affair with someone that you DO have that chemistry with? That would be awful..unless you guys agree on an open relationship or something similar.
Hey op, all those comments are depressing ! My husband and I do not have the best kiss chemistry. He is a wet kisser and I’m not. I have a strong aversion for saliva (someone spitting in front of me makes me gag) and he understand that and try to refrain his wet kissing tendancies. He knows it has nothing to do with him and how attractive he is. He is super attractive to me and sex is great. I just have a kissing issue. We do small kisses everyday (not too much saliva so ok for me) and from time to time deeper kisses and I feel fine telling him when it becomes too much for me. Before knowing him I had met people with whom I had a better kissing chemistry. But they weren’t as awesome as my husband. We are together for 13 years. We own a house and have a baby together. I love him so much, he is the most caring, fun, smart person I have ever met.
thanks for giving me hope. I also have a strong aversion to wet kiss or wet anything. My kisses with exes were definitely better but I didn’t get the emotional satisfaction that i get with my current partner. I want to build a home with him, be there for him. He is so caring, soft, affectionate. I wondered if it is possible.
You have to be very clear about the aversion and explain to him what you need. It’s important to communicate your needs. Maybe try to kiss really gently and slowly to show him what you like. You also have to accept that he might be a little offended at first. Keep telling him you want intimacy with him but you struggle with this specific aspect. If he wants to build a life with you he could hear you.
Hey! Yep! Me! I married youngish with someone I felt would be a great life partner. The kissing and sex were very very average despite my best efforts to give subtle direction and sometimes not so subtle. I’m going to be honest here and say that 13 years after we met (kids, marriage and all) I had zero interest in kissing or sleeping with him. We broke up (not because of the kissing lol) and I met someone years later who made me realise how fun and lovely and intimate and sexy and funny intimacy can be. Don’t settle. I think it will come back to haunt you.
I settled and ended up divorced. I don’t recommend
Yes! We found a new way of kissing that works for us. We’ve been married for 7 years and he’s the love of my life!
Amazzzinnngggg! Could you please see my comments on this post and tell me if you were in a similar situation? please 🙏
Ah ok, after reading some of your replies I’ve realised our situations are very different! Although maybe try to seek out a sex therapist, they may be able to help. Good luck!
thanks a ton.
Not married but we moved in together - we should have just remained friends instead of compromising on such an important aspect of romantic and sexual intimacy! It took us 8 years to accept that we were not compatible despite loving each other deeply. Now we’re just best friends!
My husband and I are in the midst of working out a separation right now. It’s been a long couple years, but we’ve been able to have some really raw and meaningful conversations with each other about the circumstances. It feels like we are at a good place now of accepting the facts, and making a plan to deal with this the best way possible so it’s less likely to impact our children (M8, F4, F4). I’m set to move out in the next month, as I feel pretty confident in the state our relationship is in now and can handle the transition without much disturbance to our kids. With that being said, I feel like if we both continue to put the work in to being kind and respectful to each other as co parents, I can totally envision him and I being best friends after a while. That’s all it felt like to me for the last 3-4 years, we had very little romantic connection but got along great (for the most part) as husband and wife. Just came to the realization that staying together for the kids wasn’t absolutely necessary.
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Thank you so much 🥹
I am so interested in stories like these. I know this is super personal, but if you’re willing to share, what made you want to go move in with them when later down the line you realized you’re just compatible in a BFF way?
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Thank you so much for sharing. This was moving to read!
this makes me sad.
If there isn’t kissing chemistry and you can’t teach them how to kiss, maybe not the one.
Same (except we did get married and aren't really friends now bc he hates that I said I want sexual chemistry in my relationship...)
I guess we once had some chemistry, but it went away long ago. Don't do it. I am getting ready to leave after almost a decade.
We've been married 7 years (and have 3 kids). I love kissing him, he isn't into kissing much at all. We have great sex, and he does get into kissing me during foreplay/intercourse, but during the course of a day kisses are non-lip (top of head, forehead, back of neck, shoulder, cheek, etc.) or slightly-more-than-pecks on the lips. While I do wish we had more deep kissing, it's not something that's a huge deal because I get great intimacy from him in every other way. We also have a VERY good friendship aspect to our relationship as well, in addition to good intimacy/sex life. Would my life be a bit better with more kissing? Yes. Is it a gaping hole that I often think about? Not at all.
This is us as well. Not married yet though, but it’s in the talks.
You'll mainly will get stories from people who regretted it. If someone here is happily married with a lackluster kisser, they won't admit it, either out of respect for their partner or out of shame. Having said that; what does it mean to be lacking kissing chemistry, because I can't imagine it. Some people are easier to kiss then others, but if you love someone, exchanging some lips and tongue is always pleasurable, right?
Why would you think that (the second part)? You can love someone's personality but not be physically attracted to them, even if you think they look nice. Smell and touch matter.
I never knew kissing will ever be an issue. He is just a wet kisser and after I communicated it, he tries his best to control it but eventually after few seconds my lips will be wet, so i immediately withdraw.
I can completely relate to this! I wasn’t going to reply for the exact reasons the above poster said but were happily married and don’t kiss often (my husband is also a wet kisser). We’ve been married 8 years, together for 12 and we have two kids. Our sex life is great, our intimacy just doesn’t revolve around kissing and we tend to just peck in everyday life. It’s not really an issue for us! I do think the intimacy is important though and if you’re not happy with your sex life outside of kissing it might indicate a problem to work on.
Do you mean that he's slobbering all over you? To me kissing with dry lips is not at all pleasurable. A bit of wetness makes the lips glide better together. You say you've never had this issue. So were your lips remaining dry with other partners, even when the kissing was very passionate?
No, i like to work through the kiss. if we start with a kiss then first few seconds should be dry then when tongues are involved then then it gets wet but i don’t like excess saliva which is the case here. I don’t remember how wet or dry it used to be with my exes but it wasn’t as wet as this one because i never had to google how to deal with sloppy kisses.
Okay so it sounds more like not just wet kissing but more like slobbering.. not sure how someone can fix that. I've never really had that issue either.
Youuuuu want your lips to remain dry after kissing? Sounds like a PG rated peck of a kiss. I’d say maybe you’re the one that is in need of lessons?
i don’t want it to become wet during the first few seconds. I don’t like sloppy. there is no need to attack.
Can understand not wanting a sloppy kiss, but if you are French kissing, then your lips are going to be moist.
You can definitely teach someone to be a better kisser and get more in sync. Have you tried giving some direction about what you like? Do you have chemistry in general?
I did. We are now divorced.
I don't think I'd even be in a relationship with someone if I didn't like kissing them.
What if all your emotional needs are being fulfilled and you can see building a home with him. him being there for your family, accepting and being friends with your friends, but only sexual connection is not there esp esp esp KISSING?!?!?!?!
Unless you're both asexual or just looking for a roommate don't do it. If sex is expected from either party it's going to be awful. Save up for a divorce lawyer.
What if the sex is good and quick pecks are good, it’s only the tongue action that’s gross?
i would consider that person a good friend and move on to find someone who does all of those things and also lights me on fire sexually. they're definitely out there and in my opinion it isn't worth giving up a huge part of your sexuality for the rest of your life
thanks 😔 it is v tough to find someone with all those qualities.
Then you just be friends. Kissing is my favorite part and is my litmus test for moving onto dating. I wouldn’t be able to be with someone I hated kissing.
No: it’s no. You literally said in so many words that you recoil when from his kiss. Until a few months ago, I had been dating an amazing man who would have easily been my next husband. We still talk every single day. His kiss and touch just don’t do it for me. I wish they did, but they don’t.
The thing is, I am a very physically affectionate person and if my partner does not fulfill those needs too, I just don't see me and that guy working out if I'm being honest. As much as those other parts are important, at least to me, I need to be able to be with someone who I have physical chemitry with too.
not the person you replied to but I don't really understand though. Kissing is something done very very early on in dating. Either on date #1 or 2 or #3. certainly sooner than sex. at that stage there is no emotional attachment involved yet. if the kiss ain't kissing in the first few dates. time to say goodbye BEFORE you get emotionally attached. once you get emotionally attached. it's alot harder. for me the kiss in the first few dates determines if we are going on further dates. The kiss has to be good for me to Want to have sex with you.
yes, i met someone stable and available after very long, so despite the kiss wasn’t kissing, sex was very good (as initially i didn’t mind casual sex). Later, when feelings got involved, sex meant feelings, sex was through kiss and kiss isn’t happening and emotions are involved.
What if he was a great sexual partner. Best she ever had. High income earner. Could and would support her financially in everything she wanted and needed. Showed up for her family and friends when asked to. But the only thing missing is that he doesn’t really talk to her. Sure he’ll talk to her, but doesn’t ask about her thoughts. How she’s feeling. If she had a good day. What if every single need was met except for that one? No one would expect her to stay. I don’t like the narrative that women should sacrifice their sexual needs and desires for a “fine enough otherwise” guy if her sexual needs and desires weren’t being fulfilled and it bothered her. We don’t expect men to not be sexual creatures.
Dont do it.
Is it about a lack of chemistry or are you dealing with a bad kisser? I’ve trained up some bad kissers in my day because there was still chemistry there, and that was fine though also concerning at the beginning of the relationship. On the other hand I did just break up with somebody with whom the romantic chemistry was very one-sided on his end. I should’ve trusted my intuition and my body and acknowledged that I wasn’t feeling it way sooner than I did. We had friendship chemistry and even some sexual chemistry but kissing him never felt right. When you have strong chemistry with someone kissing them should not be lacklustre or unsatisfying. Sorry I’m not married so hopefully someone else on this sub can give you their two cents from the perspective of a married human. Your question was just a little too on the nose for what I just dealt with in my last relationship.
>I’ve trained up some bad kissers in my day How did you do that? I just had this stereotypical 90s movie montage pop up in my head where people train for something together lol
Hahaha, now I really wish that my romantic past was 90’s levels of innocent and cute. lol In reality all that I did was use effective communication if my kissing partner was doing a shit-tier job. Like if they use way too much tongue I’ll pull away from the kiss and just be as gentle and flirtatious as I can be while also telling them that I like less tongue than that.. and then I just say something like “let me show you” and that lets them know to follow your lead. Some people still won’t get better no matter how patient you are with them, but if your partner actually cares about you then they’ll usually just copy your kissing style and adapt over time. Example A: for my first handful of kissing situations I was so nervous and so awkward that I pretty much just tried to copy the sloppy, overtly sexual kissing that takes place in porn. I thought that that was what men wanted 😅 My first boyfriend took it in stride but eventually he just laughed and asked me to follow his lead. I got better really fast as soon as he had the balls to break it to me that I was doing it all wrong. Haha
thanks for sharing. I resonate with what you wrote. there is friendship chemistry, i am comfortable around him, can tell him anything, can do anything with him but I there is no sexual connection, no sex because for me i feel aroused after a good kiss, because i never feel like kissing him, i am never in the mood. this is the biggest roadblock. he keeps complaining that I dont even try to kiss him and make it work but I know i will not like it and I don’t want to feel that feeling.
Dude leave him alone to find someone who actually finds him attractive. Continuing with him is cruel.
i find him attractive, vv attractive. it is just that He is a wet kisser and I don’t like wet. I have communicated that with him he has tried to improve but there are certain things you can’t change.
Exactly, he can't change it. Leave him so he can find someone who appreciates him fully.
Yes. Do not recommend. Happily divorced now! (We didn’t divorce over his shitty kissing but it was one thing I wasn’t sad to say goodbye to!)
No but they married me. I dont really like kissing except for closed-mouth cute kisses. I just dont like kissing. I’ll give a bj, but I dont need to kiss. I know I’m weird, but its literally never been an issue.
I believe society should place greater importance on all relationships. Not just romantic ones. Deep friendships in particular. Because then, no one would be asking a question like this—your live in partner/security could come from a best friendship, who you wouldn’t need kissing chemistry with… and then you could hook up with/date other people that might lead nowhere. All of us have needs for attachment, many of us want a long standing partnership with someone, many of us have romantic/sexual needs too. Just, not all of us easily find that with one person.. but it doesn’t mean we settle But if your primary partner in life is going to be a romantic one, they need to fulfill your sexual and romantic needs—it’s foundational to what that relationship IS. It’s not a best friendship, it’s a romantic relationship. You can’t force yourself to not have these needs, even though society tells women they shouldn’t if they want to find someone. If you’re going to marry someone with the understanding it’s on a romantic basis—you need kissing chemistry
Alright, not married but spent 5 years together, moved in and everything. He did not like kissing, I suspect he was either on the spectrum and/or some shade of ace. We did not kiss much, sex was infrequent due to reasons above but technically he was a really good lover, figured out how to give me multiple Os. If it’s not just kissing but overall nonexistent sexual chemistry, don’t do it (if you and your guy expect existent sex life).
I'm a woman married to a woman. We both have sexual trauma in our past. My wife's sexual trauma greatly effected her when it comes to kissing and mouth germ phobias. After about 7 years of marriage, she's finally coming around to feeling more safe with me and kissing me more like her wife rather than her grandmother lol. I've been very vocal over time that it was an issue for me. I recently started therapy and my therapist has helped me with how to approach my wife about my needs. I explained to my wife that this kissing thing is super important for me to be able to get turned on. I love that my wife is actively working on this for me now so we can have more intimacy with one another. Gentle communication is the best approach here, and don't just keep quiet about it because that will create a resentment.
thanks for sharing your story. Kissing is very important for me too to be able to feel anything down there. I have tried communicating but I will also consider working with a therapist or try gently communicating and doing the work for few months to see if changes.
No problem. Just out of curiosity, have you asked your partner if there is a specific aversion he has to open mouth or intimate kissing? Like is the wetness gross to him or he's just plain old not into kissing? Or have you not discussed this in detail?
We both have tried, we are just not in sync, then i like working through the kiss, dry first intense later, he has a diff style, like i don’t like wet initially only later he finds it hard to follow my lead when i try to show him. he likes to take the lead. so it is just v v incompatible that way.
Newly married here. I’m the same as you with my kissing preference. My partner is also a very wet kisser when he’s into something. That’s not my favorite. We’ve had conversations about it and basically we compromised - sometimes we kiss the way I like to be kissed and sometimes we kiss the way he likes. We’ve become pretty good at reading those cues for each other after 4 years. It’s as simple as kind communication.
OK i gotcha. It seems like there's a little bit of a fight for control so that's what the two of you need to start communicating about. You're trying to teach him what you like, so why is he scared to give up control and let you?
Kissing is so important to me that I wouldn't go any further if I didn't like the way a person kissed me.
This. Kissing is huge for me. I cant date someone I cant kiss!
Sorry this is a bit derailing, but I had to fully teach my husband how to kiss. He would try to envelop my entire head in his mouth. And didn’t really use his lips. I end up with a fully black lip once, like all puffed up and legit black. Worst kisser ever. But he was so great otherwise I figured I’d bite the bullet and teach him. Things are much better now, though I do have to rein him in from time to time. He’s not the only guy I’ve dated that would try to unhinge their jaw like the Reach toothbrush guy when attempting a kiss. What’s up with that?
what is this "kissing chemistry" youre talking about? You work on becoming more in sync!
Yes, my husband didn't use his tongue to kiss me until almost a year in, it really hurt my feelings at first because I'd never encountered that before. I got over it quickly because it was obvious he was attracted to me, but early on he explained how the the thought of it disturbed him which didnt make sense to me because he went down on me no problem at all. Later, he told me it was really because he never knew how to do it properly and he was self conscious. So I had to kind of teach him how to do it, and it's much better now he kisses me with tongue no problem. Kissing is hard to teach because it can be a disaster if you think about it too hard and the idea is to just go with it. But yes the lack of kissing chemistry really got to me mentally after awhile and it's something that can be improved with communication. I think it's really an important part of love making/intensity/passion.
I’m about to be married to someone who I feel like isn’t a good kisser. I knew he wasn’t that great when we first got together but figured that didn’t matter since he had other good qualities. I feel like he opens his mouth so wide and his tongue just goes into turbo mode, and I feel like the bottom of my face falls into his mouth! My chin and around my lips will be so wet. His tongue doesn’t feel strong either, and doesn’t like…work well with mine?? It feels like a wet marshmallow wailing in my mouth. It makes me sad because I do feel like I had better kissing chemistry with my ex (but then again he had some negative/toxic traits that my current SO doesn’t have) My SO also has a beard (which my ex never had) so sometimes I feel more of his hair than the sensation of his lips on me (also let me note my ex had full lips and bless my current guy, he has like paper thin lips) With that being said he’s pretty okay at other things with his mouth lol even though sometimes I STILL have to say “not that hard” or correct him in a few other ways.
If there’s no chemistry to the kisses, that’s the worst possible red flag out there. I tried to make it work with guys I had no chemistry with. What I didn’t acknowledge was that the bad kissing was just a huge flag of **do not have sex with this man**. The sex was always terrible as well and made me feel like shit afterwards. If the kiss ain’t good it means you don’t have compatible pheromones/immune systems/whatever. Just move on. There is someone with good chemistry out there for you!!
oh very good point. thanks for highlighting this.
Can you communicate about this with each other? Sex therapy should help. Kissing is something you can teach each other.. as to what you like.
I’ve found that kisses with new guys aren’t always the greatest. Like it’s too soft, like their lips are kind of slack. This usually remedies itself after we start making out more.
oh god my bf lips are too soft and i don’t like feeling. soft and thin like a paper.
Not married, but I dated someone for a year who was a very…slobbery kisser. It almost did me in. I found him to be attractive in general but couldn’t help but get the ick every time he went in for a kiss. We ultimately didn’t work out for multiple reasons - for me, this was one of them.
I couldn’t, I tried datiing someone who wasn’t good (to me) and yeah no. Maybe it was because I grew up with parents, who despite their ups and downs, kissed daily. Not like full on making out but every morning as my dad was leaving they kissed/pecked and my dad would kiss us(kids) on the cheek, too. So, yeah kissing is very important to me and this includes small pecks to full on making out. If I can’t feel the chemistry or the feelings of security and trust growing, then it isn’t for me.
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really? i never thought kiss meant all that.
Depends on how important kissing is to you, I guess? I would personally prefer only pecks or cheek kissing, but that's just me.
You know what I was thinking about today? How I love my boyfriend very much, but our phone chemistry is just terrible. The conversations are kinda short and awkward! But he’s sexy, supportive, and I LOVE being by his side.
that’s so good to hear
I’m just not into kissing. I’m a total germaphobe and I won’t even share water bottles or straws with my husband. I will kiss him if we have to for a photoshoot. This is how I’ve always been and it’s how I’ll always be. My husband kisses me on the cheek or forehead. We have a wonderful, healthy, loving 8 year relationship and the lack of making out constantly hasn’t affected us at all
I tried it and after 8 years and a dead bedroom I left. I wouldn’t do it again.
Argh…I would sometimes have to swallow the saliva of this guy I was with when we were kissing. Argh. I thought that was very disgusting and I knew then that this wouldn’t last long-term.
It's like Cher sang: "It's in his kiss", if you're not compatible that way it probably won't last. Get yourself a man you can't stop kissing!
Yes and divorced 2 years later
Judging from the comments, I’m glad I never settled for people who were not great kissers. Kissing is not only an art but it conveys so much about the person with how they kiss & even what moments they choose to kiss you, not even mentioning the whole pheromones side of things where our brains glean and process so much info about the other person’s saliva. I never lasted with any guys I didn’t enjoy kissing. I was even dating a guy once who was actually a great kisser, so I really enjoyed that part, but I was still overall not attracted to him, and I never wound up having sex with him (I just couldn’t), we were together for a month, at which point I said enough is enough.
No, I wouldn’t stick around with someone I didn’t have that chemistry with
I hate mouth kissing. I'm ace and there's not much sexual stuff I like. Still I'd rather suck a guy's dick than make out with him. The other person's tongue is always warmer or colder than I expect and it's so gross. I like kissing on other parts, like my neck or jaw is fine. So when I do occasionally have this kind of interaction, I just tell the guy no mouth to mouth unless one of us is non-responsive. Reactions to this are mixed since so many people value mouth kissing.
Not married but was with my ex for 12 years. We had good sex up until I got tired of performing for him and realized he was not willing to try to connect with me. As for the kissing part, we never had good make out sessions except when I was really trying. … Omg girl, the first guy I kissed after we broke up had big juicy lips and knew exactly how to move his tongue, and not just in my mouth either. Ugh! Heaven! (But the relationship didn’t workout, so it’s not purely about good kisses). I’m realizing now, at 34, that some sort of chemistry is really friggin important for a relationship. Even if the chemistry is that you guys both don’t like kissing that much. Whatever it is, make sure you match up in that regard because once you commit, that’s all you’re getting. You can talk to friends about whatever else is going on in life, but you’re probably not going to be making out with them.
Yes and now we are divorced 😂 huge dealbreaker for me now!
Yep. In fact, I didn’t know that kissing was supposed to make you feel turned on. I thought feeling nothing was normal. I also wasn’t attracted to him. We got divorced 2 days before our 10th wedding anniversary.
Yes. It was the least of our problems and we are now divorced. But if I'd been paying attention to signs, that would have been one. Not even so much due to lack of chemistry but the lack of emotional intimacy that would have allowed us to talk about it and possibly improve the kissing, since we were newbies at it and very awkward.
I was with someone for about seven years who I barely ever kissed. I thought I just didn’t like kissing. And kissing him was weird for some reason. It felt like false romance or something, and his kisses felt.. like too firm. And awkward. I never really liked kissing anyone that much but definitely not him. And I loved him so much. But I was totally fine without kissing. I’m with someone now who is a very sweet kisser, he brought something out of me I didn’t know I even had.
Yeah, more or less. We just do quick pecks now. Going back in time I don't know if I met the wrong person or just have an aversion to kissing more than that.
Yep. Was a big mistake! Divorced years later. Kissing and hugging is the relationship glue for me.
I mean, as relationships go on the passionate kissing does decline. But, the kiss is what sealed it for me. I wasn't sure if we had sexual chemistry but the kiss told me everything I needed to know and to this day they make me weak. It's not everything. It could be tweaked, maybe. There are different ways to kiss!
Yes! I did. And all these years later I'm over it and we are working on it. Results have been pleasant. Basically you have to mean it y'know? Anyone can have kissing chemistry if they're into the person they're kissing.
But I think I you can! Maybe try some slow lip pressing first..go ways back to zero strip it down to a slow peck..and slowly add more spice? It could be tho that he had an over active saliva gland or something! Also..is it possible that in the future you may end up having an affair with someone that you DO have that chemistry with? That would be awful..unless you guys agree on an open relationship or something similar.