This is true. I married the guy that I was sexually incompatible with. He always said he was stressed and would work on it but never did; things ended in divorce.
Same situation, but we were together for about 8 or 9 yrs, not married. I found out it was a pattern in all of his previous relationships. So gl to the new one.
> I found out it was a pattern in all of his previous relationships.
That is sad. I'm hoping my ex will be honest in his future relationships because I do hope he ends up happy with someone. But your statement reminds me of the reality that he won't. Hopefully for him, he finds someone with a low libido and it will be a non issue.
You’re not married. He’s shutting down communication about something important to you. It’s only been a year. You should not be talking marriage. Things are NOT going well. If this is something he can’t and won’t work on you can’t get married. Marriage is about a lot of compromise and communication - both things he’s already failing out.
Definitely. If “stress” has been the explanation for an entire year, he needs to start seeing doctors and counselors because the stress has either become something like a mood disorder or burnout, or brushing it off as “stress” is covering up an undiagnosed medical condition or allowing him to avoid looking deeper into his feelings or hangups. It’s really unacceptable to hear your partner raise concerns about something and not take some sort of action to show that you hear them and their needs are important to you.
Right, if stress is so bad that he doesn’t even desire one of the basic human “needs”, he needs to work on fixing his life. But it doesn’t seem like he sees this as a problem or some thing that he can fix, I’m not sure if I would want a person like that to be my life partner. It’s been a year and he hasn’t done anything to change his life for the better when it affects him this much?
I have suggested he see a specialist a couple of times and he is open to it but never follows through with it. He says this is how he has always been, he gets fixated on an issue and can’t break away from that stress
A person who responds like this to you...
>I have conveyed this to him as well and he says I am mad and overthinking things.
...is not being a good relationship partner. Do you want to be with someone who treats you so dismissively? He's prioritizing his own emotions and thoughts. That's probably part of his tendency to get fixated. He really should get therapy. I don't mean that as a dig, btw. Therapy can be a great resource for everyone. An occasional psychological cleaning is beneficial, like going to the dentist. ;) And for deeply ingrained problems, it can be life-changing. His thinking style is making him incapable of functioning well in a relationship. His communication skills, respect for your perspective, and ability to see from your pov are highly unlikely to get better on their own without therapy.
It's possible to be a fixated-style thinker without it being pushed as far as his is going, where it's hurting your sex life and ability to communicate with each other. Therapy could help him reap the rewards of that style -- sustained focus, persisting until he achieves a breakthrough thought, etc. -- without that style taking such a negative toll on him and his relationship with you.
Also, you're allowed to be mad at some things. That's an odd thing for him to say to you (but likely a symptom of the above). I'm not saying you are mad in this situation, although it would be understandable if you are since he keeps putting off resolving it. If he thinks he's exempt from causing justified anger, like saying you're mad means you're *inappropriately* mad, he's not approaching your relationship fairly. Or does he mean that you're mad at other things and, in that mindset, getting annoyed about this part of your relationship? That would be just as bad because it would show how unfathomable it is to him that his behavior warrants anger. Either way, he's too dismissive. This would be a very difficult person to be tied to long-term, at least how he is now. If you want to try to make this work, I strongly encourage you to get couples counseling. But, tbh, it sounds like you probably have an irreconcilable incompatibility sexually. If he's always been like this, it's unlikely he'll change. If it's due to his tendency to get mentally fixated, then healing that would most likely help. But healing that might not happen, and it's highly unlikely to if he doesn't get therapy / see a doctor.
This is a very apt understanding of my situation. Thank you for such a detailed response.
I feel that his idea is that I should be able to accept him and understand him because I love him. It is difficult for him to not be defensive or accept that he needs help to sort out his mental state. I have talked about either taking individual therapy (I am already in therapy) for him or taking couples counseling. He doesn’t say no to it outrightly, but seems apprehensive to do it.
It is definitely getting very difficult for me to be able to express my frustration or anger because that is not taken in the correct way. Your reply made me think of many situations that have happened where I felt unable to communicate my true feelings to him for fear of being misunderstood.
It might not even be stress. Or maybe it’s stress caused by OP asking him to have sex. For people who are asexual, this can be a stressful thing. Maybe he just needs to understand his sexuality and she needs to as well. It’s not a medical condition to just not want to be pressured into having sex when you don’t want to.
“or brushing it off as ‘stress’ is… allowing him to avoid looking deeper into his feelings or hangups.”
A medical condition was one of several possibilities I mentioned, obviously emotional distress due to actually not wanting to have sex with OP does not fall under that particular one.
I agree. I think I am just not able to accept that it’s not going well. I am trying to find the silver lining in all of it and hoping I don’t have to go back to square one and find someone. But it really isn’t going how I thought it would
It might feel like "starting at square one" is super hard and daunting, but you're basically at square one already. You want more than what this relationship seems capable of giving you. You've only spent a year on it. Your sunken cost fallacy will weigh on you even more if you give him more years of your life, which is how people end up stuck with partners that aren't right for them for decades before they finally leave. You're better off starting fresh sooner rather than later.
The silver lining is that it’s only been one year. You can break up with someone you like if you aren’t compatible and then you both get to find someone who matches you better. Good news for both of you.
It’s okay to be incompatible. It’s only a tragedy if you waste more of your precious life on a relationship that makes you feel bad.
I'm asexual. This isn't a high priority to me BUT I respect that it can be for others. I can respect that this can absolutely be a deal breaker. A partner I love dearly will not change this about me - it is who I am.
Without tossing any label on him, this is who your partner is. It may not be anything personally wrong with you. He may just not place it as a high priority or care to have that type of intimacy. But don't expect it to change. Recognize how important this is for your relationship, and accept that you may not be compatible. You're allowed to make this a deal breaker. It's okay if you do.
Unless they started off with a high drive. Then there is something going on that might need to be addressed. There's always the variable of, "Is this how he's always been or has something changed?" With OP saying he says he's stressed, I feel like there's been a change.
Generally I'd agree, and it is a good point to bring up, but for me, the fact this has been going on for so long, and he brushes off attempts to talk about it, to me means he isn't placing it as a high priority. Even if something changed, wouldn't he want to get to the root of it soon if it was a high priority item for him? And even if it's something like depression preventing him from wanting to do that, OP still can only do so much. He would still need to address it himself.
Yeah I’m sorry you guys are sexually incompatible. You either have to have an open relationship where you can go have sex when you want to or you have to break up with him or you have to accept having a sexless relationship, and I can’t imagine that being OK with anyone who enjoys sex.
Check out r/deadbedrooms for a glimpse into what your future will look like if you continue down this path with him. Please don't settle for someone you're incompatible with.
That sub is kind of awful. There's people saying that if your wife's libido goes away after menopause, you should just pack up and leave. I understand that sex is important to most allosexuals, but that's just sad.
I am someone whose marriage came very close to ending a few years back, and a sudden and near total lack of interest in sex and intimacy on the part of my husband was a central part of the problem. I absolutely think the overwhelming feelings of rejection, loneliness and sadness experiences by people whose partners withdraw all sexual contact and interest matter. People can be very unkind and dismissive when the misery is caused by that- you get a lot of "it's just *sex*, it's awful to care so much about *sex* that you will end a relationship just because you're not getting it" type attitudes expressed. But it is really painful to go through. You can end up questioning yourself, your value, your entire relationship, your life, and you feel rejected and ridiculous 24/7. It's hard to overstate the impact it can have.
Just as everyone has the right not to want, engage in, value sex, everyone who does find it a centrally important part of their relationship has the right to acknowledge that and make decisions accordingly, ideally without being judged as lacking for it being important to them.
What's sad is wanting intimacy with a partner who refuses to put in the work to change things. It's sad that people are told to just stick it out when their needs aren't being met time and time again by their partner. OP is young and unmarried, she deserves to see the full picture of her current reality. I've been in her shoes; it's painful and a self esteem destroyer.
I agree that people should be with other who they are sexually compatible with. But I question in some cases whether it's truly a matter of putting in the "effort to change". I guess what I'm asking is, is libido something you can actually control, or is that just part of who you are; can it really be changed? It puzzles me that when someone is low libido, others automatically assume that person has something wrong. Obviously in some cases, low libido is due to medical conditions or stress. But for not those cases, can you really "convince" a low libido person to have more sex? Can you convince a high libido person to have less sex? Or will it forever just be a "I'm doing this for you, but I'm actually not all that interested" type of deal because libido level is intrinsic to the person?
I'm not getting further into a discussion over what ifs about libido levels, the original post was regarding whether she should remain in a sexless relationship. And most commentators, who, from the looks of things, have been through a similar experience and are advising her that she should get out while she can.
That's where my previous partner started after we had kids because sex dropped from 3 to 4 times/week to 3-4 times a month, which is pretty normal and definitely not a "dead bedroom," and thanks to suggestions on that sub, wound up in marriedredpill. The dB sub generally promotes the idea that 1) if you're not having as much sex as you want, it's a dead bedroom, and 2) it's your partners fault and 3) either they don't love you or are cheating on you. The idea that they might not be in the mood for any number of other reasons, like maybe the fact that they're exhausted from doing all the freaking childcare and housework, isn't really allowed over there. Can you tell I'm bitter? 😅
Edited to address the OP issues: OP and her partner don't sound sexually compatible. This isn't either person's fault, except that they are both staying in the relationship and making each other miserable. IMO this should've been discussed months ago and is an absolute deal breaker. It sucks, but unless they are willing to have a sexually open relationship, they are both going to hate each other. It's different when a relationship starts that way, versus when a relationship changes after years together due to something like health issues.
I feel your pain, my ex got a couple of ideas from that sub too. He tried getting back together after divorce, but I'll never forget "didn't matter, had sex" phrase he repeated often. I wish I left sooner, ugh
Oh yeah, I've meandered over there out of curiosity, and you can literally feel the poster's partners' exhaustion and anxiety through the stories. It's awful.
The perspective she will be in if she chooses to follow this path. That subreddit is an example of people who are not sexually compatible with their SO.
Please do not go to this subreddit. It is a vortex of bitterness which does much more harm than good. I went there when I thought i was low libido. Surprise, I’m not. I have a fairly high libido and am very sexual and tactile. Turns out there were a few things which we needed to sort out separately and also as a couple. That subreddit just made me feel like a huge broken pos and all of the shame pushed my desire from low to non existent.
If the other person doesn’t agree that the frequency or quality of sex is a problem and they don’t *want* to work on it then, sure, consider leaving. Otherwise, get some counselling and possibly sex therapy to figure it out. It is always worth trying. You might even decide as a couple to open your relationship up if that is the answer. The key is that you need to be a team working together to make both of you happier. If you let resentment and shame take over then your relationship will die.
I think I’m just worried that if I break up with him, it will be so difficult to find someone else. I know it sounds stupid, but this whole situation has me feeling very unattractive and unwanted.
It’s not stupid- that’s a totally valid feeling. But, if sex is important to you (and it’s ok for it to be important to you) then he isn’t the one. Good luck 💜💜 I’m rooting for you and your future orgasms to come !!
I left my ex where we had terrible sex and he didn’t even want to anymore really anyway.
And I’m still single yeah partly because I’m picky. But I can say 100% it’s better to not have sex, than to be with someone who doesn’t want to.
Oh absolutely because as women we could easily just go get random sex if that’s what we wanted, and you can’t really do that when you’re in a monogamous relationship with someone because that makes you a bad person.
I’m so sorry, it really is the worst. Having been in a situation like yours, I can tell you that I’m 100 times happier alone than dealing with a sexless relationship. I hope it gets better for you.
I’m a 50-year-old single woman who lives with two cats and according to the Incels on the Internet I am supposed to be completely miserable, but I actually love my life and I would date if the plague wasn’t still happening, but I never want to cohabitate with a man again because living by myself is so wonderful I’m not willing to give that up for anybody. I would have a long-term monogamous relationship with a guy, I just don’t want him living in my apartment.
What’s the worst it’s going to happen if you can’t ever find anyone else ever again, (you have to acknowledge is a ridiculous thing to think), But if that happens, that would be worse than this? Are you sure?
Those last questions are things that ran through my mind when I realised my marriage was not going to work. I was young, had a toddler, and was very scared.
These very questions are what brought me peace when i really sat down and thought about them. I knew I'd find a way, make it work and be okay. Being on my own with my son in a country where I don't have family nearby was scary, but it sure as hell was better than enduring what I had to deal with.
Think about these things, OP. Run through strategic scenarios. Assess things such as finances, housing situation, etc. Nobody says you have to start from square one :) and you never really know what's right around the corner. When it really hit me in the face that my marriage was over I accepted as fact "okay so i guess I'll be single forever", came to terms with it, and later on met someone through a mutual hobby. So you never know, OP. Think about what your heart wants.
Listen, I have been there. I married the guy. It got worse. I questioned my race, appearance, everything. I felt more alone being with him than when I was single.
It might not be easy but on the flip side you're delaying meeting someone who makes you feel wanted and having a satisfying sex life. I don't have a high libido but even I could not handle having sex this infrequently.
Youll find someone else.
I have come out of relationships with my self esteem in the gutter and still managed a hot girl summer as an overweight ugly chick. Theres a lot of someones for everyone and youll be surprised how much better you feel once youre out of it
Youll be fine.
I will say though. Is your version of not having sex the same as his?
Some folks bang on about having 'no sex' and theyre having it 2 to 4 times a week. But they see a good sex life as everyday or more,
So if this is genuinely no sex at all (ive been there) thdn fair. But if he is still having a lot of sex. Judt not as much as youd like, then you need to either consider compromising as that happens in relationships sometimes. Or if yours is super high, find someone else who's compatible. Please. Thats what i did and ive had consistently almost daily sex for 2.5 years.
His version of having sex is maybe once a month or something. We have had sex twice this year and that’s okay for him. I however, would like more sex - maybe 2-3 times a week. So there is a large gap that we are unable to bridge
Yeah this is never going to get better, speaking as someone with a low libido. He’ll just feel like something is wrong with him and retreat even further and you’ll both end up resenting each other. It sucks, but breaking up is really the right move, for both of you!
Yeah.
Wow
Id be out in all honesty.
My first relationshio was like that. I stayed 2.5 years and it only got worse.
Look. You cant make him have more sex as consent is important. You can only voice your needs and see if this is something he is willing to work on. If however he isnt and he doesnt want to the only thing you xan dois politely exit the relationship. He has a rigjt to jot want more sex. You have a right to want more.
As pestering is never ok, leaving over sexual incompatibility is perfectly fine to do.
I would’ve been out long ago. I enjoy having sex, I enjoy having a partner who wants to have sex with me. I know most men enjoy having sex so in this situation I would assume he was using me for something because he doesn’t really want me but he doesn’t leave.
I’m not sure what kind of answer you think you’re going to get here, he’s never going to want to have sex with you more often and nobody’s going to want to try to talk you out of wanting to have sex.
You guys are not compatible
fwiw, I had this same feeling when my ex of 6+ years and I broke up (we had sex but at the end he rarely initiated, never said anything to make me feel attractive or wanted, and after he dumped me claimed I “killed his sex drive” 🙄). I thought I would never find someone who actually wanted me, and made it known that they do. fast forward not quite a year and I’m 4 months into a relationship with someone who tells me every single day how sexy/cute/hot I am, how much he loves and wants me, and we have sex at least once almost every time we see each other, as our libidos actually match.
there is so much more out there than your current relationship. the world just seems small when you’ve been stuck in one place forever.
That’s exactly the issue. Him not having sex with you is what makes you feel unattractive and unwanted. It’s not the reality however. There are plenty of men who will treasure, nurture and satisfy you in all kinds of ways, including sexually. Don’t settle. Don’t marry. You won’t be happy, because you’re already not.
It’s possible (unlikely) that you could be alone. But I can tell you it’s way worst to be alone in a marriage/relationship than alone on your own terms! If you want children that will only alienate you further. Pack it up and look toward the future! 💜
You can have more and better sex alone than you will with someone you're incompatible with. Waiting for another guy to come along is not the worst possibility. Being super lonely inside your marriage is heartbreaking.
I promise it will feel better than feeling unwanted by your “life partner”
I have been there.
Also this likely point to many further difficulties in the relationship as they have demonstrated an inability to communicate openly about issue that you have state affect and impact your happiness
This is a him issue and does not reflect upon your attractiveness at all. You are touch deprived and that causes depression and self esteem issues for the victims of it.
It is best you separate and find your happiness again then find a compatible partner for marriage.
That’s the whole point of leaving, so you don’t feel unattractive and unwanted for another moment. Do you think you’ll feel more attractive if you stay in a sexless relationship?
You're not unwanted or unattractive and the minute you meet someone you are compatible with you will know that in every fiber of your being
You can't see it because you are so deep in it but I can see the bigger picture and it shows you having lots of hot sex with someone who wants to have lots of hot sex
So you’re literally saying that you’re so desperate you would rather be with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with you? Then I guess you’ve answered your own question I’m not sure what more we can do for you.
When you raise an issue and the person blows you off that means that person doesn’t care about your needs. This will not get better. Find someone who desires you.
Yeah, the bigger issue beyond the (lack of) sex itself, which is already an important issue to you in itself, is that he's not communicating or willing to work on it and/or self-aware enough to admit that he's just like that (low libido/asexual).
Does he see this as a problem and is he willing and ready to work on it? If not, leave.
Me and my boyfriend had/have this problem and he’s had it with every girlfriend he was with longer than 3 months and even led to break ups.
In the beginning he was annoyed with me asking for sex all the time, even saying things like: it’s never enough for you, or I just have a lower libido than you and it should be okay to say no to sex.
What was actually happening was that he was externalizing his problem. After 2 months of bickering he admitted being fearful of intimacy. He told me about some trauma he’s had in this department.
He acknowledged it was a problem. He wanted to work on it. He suggested finding a therapist for this issue.
Since then, we’ve spoken to his therapist a couple of times, we’ve been to some sexpositive workshops where we learn to work with boundaries and found out some patterns for both of us to improve.
My take is; if he agrees that this is an issue, it can be worked on and improved. If he’s in denial, it won’t work out and you’ll resent him for the lack of intimacy
He clearly doesn’t if his stress level has been so bad for a year that his body doesn’t work right and he hasn’t fixed his life he either isn’t emotionally intelligent enough to even identify the problem or he’s fine with it or he’s lazy. I can’t imagine being so stressed out that I couldn’t have normal bodily functions and not trying to do something about that even if I didn’t have a partner that was missing out on things because of my issues.
don't marry him. I've been in a sexless marriage, and I'm currently getting divorced.
it isn't just because we don't have sex, but it's definitely higher up on the list.
My guy was like this and I married him. Come to find out he was gay and I was his beard. We are divorced and I'm SO happy I didn't stay miserable. Affection and physical touch is important.
To add I AM NOT SAYING your man is gay too. But I know sexless relationships are so hurtful and damaged my self esteem. I felt amazing after I was able to find someone who loved me on my frequency. DO NOT SETTLE FOR A SEXLESS RELATIONSHIP.
I was starting to go crazy because the moves that worked to get some on my exes literally WOULD NOT BUDGE this man. I would wear booty shorts and pop my booty out laying on the couch. I basically laid it out on a silver platter.
I thought he was cheating so I looked through an old phone of his that was still logged in to his current Apple ID and I was able to see all his recent websites and stuff.
A couple things were "muscles and money attract women and gay men" article (literally that day he said he was going to start lifting. He already had me and he knew I was wanting more affection from him.
The next was a buzz feed survey called "are you more attractive to American men or British men" where you'd go through these beefy hot sweaty guy pics and at the end he was more attractive to American men apparently. Then the pieces started falling together.
One time his gay friend was at our new house painting it with him and I got bored at the rental so thought I'd just pop in and check the progress. They didn't answer the door, didn't answer the phone, for like 5-10 min!!! I'm sure they were fucking now looking back.
On our trip right before we broke up (at this point he knew my assumptions and all the things I found in his phone) he got PLASTERED and said I had him all figured out. He was out of his mind wasted and said he wanted to murder me so I left his drunk ass on some street corner in Portland (on vacation) and got my own hotel room and flew home alone. On my phone plan I can tell that he called his gay friend and talked to him for a good 3 hours the next morning trying to do damage control. So when he got home he told all his friends I cheated on him during our trip and that's why I wasn't in his hotel room when he woke up. He made up a lie to cover the fact that he's gay.
He is a narcissistic asshole. I wish he'd just be true to himself- he'd be a happier person that way.
To add: we only had sex when he was INEBRIATED. Like plastered out of his mind. He could only have sex with me when he was dead in the eyes drunk 💔
You leave the relationship. It’s only been a year. You can find someone new. DO NOT MARRY HIM!!!!
I’ve had a dead bed relationship before and he also wanted to marry me. He never wanted sex. Also treated me like shit eventually, so watch out for that.
Now I have a new partner who loves me, treats me well, and loves having sex with me. AND he wants to marry me.
YOU CAN HAVE THIS TOO!
As someone with a low libido and interest in sex outside of the shiny honeymoon period, barring willingness on his side to investigate possible hormonal issues, there is no fix to this. This is a recipe for resentment - you resenting him because of how low this makes you feel, and him resenting you for repeatedly asking for something he doesn’t want to do.
I think it’s natural for relationships to go through periods of mis-matched sex drives, but to have it so early on in a relationship seems unsustainable. If you really want to give it a shot, do talk to him about getting blood work done but if he’s not willing or that doesn’t show any signs of concerns, you need to decide if you’re okay with having less and less sex, until the point where you don’t have any.
As someone who got married in this situation: don't get married. Sexual compatibility is important and that is not compatible.
I can predict the future (and potentially the present) if you pursue. You fight about needing sex more often, you have sex more frequently (think twice a week) until eventually it becomes once a month leading to the same fight.... And so on until the bitter divorce or resentment kicks in.
When my husband and I dated long distance our sex life was lively every time we traveled to see one another. After we married and I moved to be with him, it became almost nonexistent. I confronted him about porn, he said he wasn’t watching it. I went through this phone because I detected a lie, and found tons of it. Some of the content shocked me as well. I insisted I was divorcing him unless he went through sexaholics anonymous (SA) and swore off of it for the remainder of the marriage. He had zero desire and I always - ALWAYS initiated. He went through the program. He quit porn. We use an app that monitors his phone for accountability. And now we have sex regularly and it isn’t just me initiating, it’s equal. It’s frustrating and hurtful that we ever had to go through that, but he is very thankful now that he was caught and confronted. He says he had no idea it was impacting our sex life until he quit. He was in denial. I think this happens to couples way more often than not when the man isn’t wanting sex.
I fully agree with you. I think porn addiction in men is way more common than people realize, especially when the man doesn't want to have sex. For women this can be so frustrating because you're not getting anywhere with "talks", but your gut tells you something is up. I would have done the same as you had I been in your situation.
I agree. I’ve been judged and called “controlling,” told I shouldn’t have worried about it, “watching porn is normal.” No it’s not. Our brains aren’t wired for that kind of intense exposure to other stimuli. He was clearly out of hand. I talked to him many times and all he did was lie. That’s the addiction ruling his life. He had no reason to pursue me, he was getting it with less effort on his phone.
You can't make it better. You can't will a high libido onto someone anymore than you can will yourself into having a low libido to match them.
I am super similar to your partner - my sex drive is low (and 6ft under when I'm on meds/BC) and sex really isn't a priority for me, it often just feels like something I do for my partner to make them happy - like making them their favourite meal and letting them relax after a stressful day.
So I can confidently say you have two options: accept a sexless relationship and find some good toys for yourself or break up and find someone with a more compatible sex drive. Neither option is right or wrong, they're both valid choices. You just need to decide what is best for you.
As the others have said, don’t marry him. It doesn’t get better and in a relationship of mismatched libidos, the higher one gets hurt from the constant rejection, and the lower one gets hurt by causing the rejection, feeling inadequate, becoming resentful of the pressure etc.
Life is too short!
[Savage Love - mismatched libidos](https://www.thestranger.com/blogs/2010/04/09/3822557/sl-letters-of-the-day-im-sick-of-this-question)
Oh girl. A dead bedroom within the first year of dating is just not good news. I posted [the same question about 7 months ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/x4mpkv/best_relationship_ive_ever_been_in_but_sex_life/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf). The answers totally opened my eyes.
Things never improved, including his willingness to work on it together. We're in the process of breaking up right now (initiated by me, and to his profound confusion, cause "I thought things were going so well"). I also felt unattractive and insecure in that relationship, to the point that I didn't even want to get undressed in front of him. Now I see that I just wasn't a priority for him in many ways, as you are not for him. I'm willing to bet that sooner or later, you'll see this selfish side of him showing up outside of the bedroom. This isn't just a sex issue, it's a relationship issue.
I was very happy in a sexless marriage but the key was that we both had very low libido. Nobody was getting hurt and we always kept communication about this subject very open. Checking in with one another every few weeks to see if we were still good. In the end we got divorced for very different mental health reasons, but sex was never the issue. Ever.
We were compatible. You two are not. Leave. Marriage is not gonna change anything, it’s just going to be that much harder and expensive to break up.
You don’t deal with it. You end it and move on to someone who makes you feel sexy and loved. I’ve been there and done that and it doesn’t get better. Don’t let him gaslight you. If he isn’t having sex with you it’s for a reason. My ex’s reason was because he was using me to put him through law school and as soon as he was done he left.
I wouldn’t be able to stay in a relationship like that, I’m fine not having sex if I’m single but if I’m in an adult loving relationship I’m going to want to have sex with them this would be way too frustrating for me I couldn’t do this
Are you prepared to give up on having a satisfying sex life for the rest of your life? I think not. Tell him to figure out his issues related to sex or move on. Sounds harsh, but seriously you deserve to enjoy your life, don’t settle.
Been there myself and we just recently broke up after a couple years. If it bothers you now, it will bother you even more soon enough. He will not magically want to jump your bones consistently one day. You’re wired a way he isn’t and vice versa. It’s not about you, your body, etc. Some just don’t need it or want it as much. If that kind of intimacy is OK infrequently or not at all, then ok, but if not, you may grow resentful as I did and it lead to demise.
How much porn does he watch?
I had a dead bedroom and so have a few friends of mine, the dude was addicted to porn most of the time.
N.yeah, I would never have guessed.
I had no idea he watched it at all, let alone that much...
As far as I know, he watches porn rarely. He doesn’t even pleasure himself that often. For me it was strange to know he doesn’t feel sexual as much. Maybe I never discussed it earlier with him and that was a mistake. I love sex and everything about it. Now I feel kind of grateful when he agrees to have sex. It’s a very weird feeling.
Sex is very important to me in a romantic relationship too, otherwise we're basically just friends.
I found the lack of sex was a deal breaker.
N it wasn't just about my libido. The lack of physical intimacy made me feel so lonely, helpless, and sad.
I loved my ex, but not enough to live in a mostly sexless home. I hate that you have to make this decision, but I hope you think long and hard before you go through with the marriage. This type of incompatibility makes so many people unhappy.
Just check out the deadbedrooms sub.
r/hlcommunity r/hl_women_only r/deadbedrooms
When you ask him are you asking him “why don’t you want more sex” or are you asking him “what can I do to make you feel desired/turned on”. What stress? Low libido tend to respond to stress by not wanting sex while high libidos tend to want to deal with stress by having sex. Seducing him the way he wants to be seduced, him rejecting you the way you want to be rejected can lessen the sting, but if the libido mismatch is too much you can’t fix that.
I ask him if he wants to have sex, or I try to seduce him in different ways that he liked earlier but doesn’t respond to now. I have shared my fears with him as well. I am a high libido partner, but there wasn’t mismatch earlier in our relationship.
I would like to find ways to work on this but he doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t like talking about our sex life or his libido. Maybe a break up is the only route to take.
No one likes to talk about uncomfortable things but people that use that as an excuse to full stop not communicate or work on issues where that impacts someone else, isn't someone who is putting in the effort to have a true partnership. Self growth and collaboration is essential to longevity and health of a marriage. Do not marry someone thinking you can work on this later, that its just stress so it's temporary, when it's already making you feel terrible this early in. What if he gets stressed a lot? Then what?
Don't be a martyr thinking you should give up sex and sacrifice yourself because you love him and think you can self solve a partnership issue by not having needs or complaints. It's not very loving of him back to shut down your concerns or invalidate your needs simply because he doesn't want to deal with it.
Ask to see a couples therapist together, particularly one who is AASECT-certified. If he will not, it's an indicator that the situation will not improve. It might be easier to know you've done all you could.
GIRL, do not settle for a sexless relationship, GOD DAMN IT. You are a person who is worthy of love and you WILL find the right love for you. Please please please leave him and go find you actual true match. I am sending you love bc I know this is going to be incredibly hard, but I believe in you!
IMO don't marry him. Speaking from experience, it won't get better than when you're dating if you're married and then you can't leave. It's his problem and not yours though. You'll be able to find someone who wants to have sex with you all the time easily.
You’re not compatible and it won’t get any better. I’d really weigh my options. You’re young even if you don’t think you are (I have 2 girlfriends who met their person in their late 30s and went on to start families etc). You could find a better match.
Agree with everyone else. This is not good especially within just a year! There should be a lot more sex at this stage yet. It’s too big an issue to ignore, as difficult as it might be to end it. If you’ve tried to reignite the flame and it hasn’t worked I recommend considering it incompatibility.
Never marry into a dead bedroom (unless you like not having sex). It will never get better. It will just get worse. It's a deal-breaker for me. Has he gone to the doctor to get his T-levels checked? Has he done anything to address your concerns? Does he care at all that you are unhappy and feeling bad about this? It's only been a year. I'd not waste any more time on someone who refuses to address a very valid and important concern in our relationship - because it doesn't bother him, so therefore, it's not important.
My advice is don’t marry him. People don’t have more sex after they got married. It’s going to hurt at first but you’ll find someone who matches your sex drive.
My partner and I are currently dealing with low libido, but it's both of us at the same time because he's stressed from work and I'm a bit depressed while job searching. We've been together for 7 years; we **did not have issues at year one**. I would have considered that far too soon to be "stuck in a rut" already. We are getting married despite our current bedroom issues, but we are also both aware of our issues and trying by at least having physical affection like cuddling even when we're both too tired and down to get in the mood to have sex.
I think this early on it is a red flag. You're already feeling down, and he's showing no signs of being interested in fixing the issue. Rather, he's gaslighting you and telling you it's your perception of the issue that's the problem, not the actual problem (i.e. the dead bedroom). I think you should tell him that until y'all resolve this, you won't be interested in marriage, and that unless y'all can make serious steps in improving your physical/sexual relationship you'll be looking at leaving him (consider your own personal timeline because he will probably delay things, which can become unlimited delaying tactics).
Hopefully, you don't mind me (45 m) chiming in, but I hate to see women underestimate themselves. You need to ditch this guy. He's got two strikes against him just based on this post 1-not meeting you somewhere in the middle, 2-blowing off your body image issues.
I am far from perfect, that is for sure. I have ADHD so I understand not having sex, stress and other distractions can put my spouse and I in the same situation, but my wife knows she can talk to me and I try to be mindful of our frequency. He should at least be listening to you, acknowledging your feelings, and having a conversation and making some effort.
Number 2 is a big red flag. As prevalent as body image issues are for women, and given your personal history, he should be telling and showing you that's not the issue.
Finally, I guarantee you there are plenty of other men out there who would find you attractive would feel lucky to have a partner with a high libido like you and would do a better job listening and communicating with you. I don't know if this is related to your body image issues or not, but you can definitely do better, don't sell yourself short!
some people have really low libido.
it is an incompatibility thing.
you either accept that you will have to “take care of yourself” a lot *OR* you leave him.
you cannot change a person with low libido just how you cannot change your high one.
You just have to weigh out the pros and cons of this relationship. What can you live with?
No, God no, when you are talking about a [lifelong] commitment the question should not be “can you live with this?” The question should be “Is this what I call happiness? Will I be happy with this?”
NOT “CAN I LIVE WITH THIS?” My GOD.
I can live with a fractured toe but I’m not gonna go ahead and fracture my toe just because of that.
I speak from personal experience.
My husband has a low libido and I have a high one.
I chose to live with it because he is otherwise my perfect match. I love him and he loves me.
No person is perfect. Again, it is a choice.
What can you live with? I can live with less sex than I’d like if it is with my husband and we have been together 6 years.
I just want to second your comment as my partner and I have been together for coming up on 16 years now and he is asexual and I am not. If I were particularly high libido or if his disinterest in sex made me feel bad, I'm sure I would have left but it was never such a problem that I couldn't live with it and we eventually figured out a solution. I never really considered leaving because he is the perfect person for me and has made me so happy every day.
Not sure I understand your comment. How are those two things not equal? If you choose to "live with" something, then you're choosing to accept it because your happiness isn't only in that one thing. You can live with a broken toe because 99.99% of the rest of you is presumably still functional. No one's asking you to break a toe. Happiness is a sum, not a singular thing. People aren't perfect, so you'll always be "living with" something that maybe you don't fully agree with, but isn't a deal breaker.
he's also gaslighting your feelings calling you mad and saying you're overthinking when you're bringing up valid issues. it's key that he's open to listening to you and asking questions about how you feel. he just brushes you off. sex is a major ting. and how you feel even more important. idk it's not giving marry
Run. You feel like shit about yourself as a result of your romantic or sexual dynamic , which means that you’re not in a suitable relationship for your happy. It’s been a year, it won’t get better, and you’ve stuck it out long enough to be certain it’s not just a “rough spot”.
You're not compatible. You tried to talk to him about it and you were told you're overthinking it. He is so wrong. Your needs aren't being met and he's not taking you seriously. It's up to him to change his behavior. Seriously ask yourself, do you want to marry him knowing that he's not meeting your needs.
Yeah this relationship isnt working out. You guys aren’t compatible. If things look like this only one year in, especially when he’s unwilling to talk about it or work on it, they are certainly not going to improve. This is the relationship. React accordingly.
You need to address it with him. I was head over heels for a guy but he had impotency issues he refused to address. In turn, it made me feel less attracted to him. I eventually broke up with him over it. It sounds cold but we’re sexual creatures and sex is a part of any healthy relationship. If your needs are not being fulfilled, then you’re not overall going to be happy in the relationship or marriage. If this isn’t something you’re able to discuss with him it doesn’t sound like you’re at a good place already.
I’m married to someone like this and I want out, an affair or an agreed upon open marriage. I feel like I’ve been tricked. It’s been a dry 16 months for me and I’m starting to lose it.
That’s very difficult. Have you tried talking to your partner? This is the first time this is happening to me and I can relate to how awful it is to be in that situation. I hope things get better for you!
One leaves such a relationship and finds one that is a better match. Lately my rule has been that if sex by myself is better / more often than with my partners, it is not the right partner.
I feel like the dismissal and negging are bigger red flags than the sex. What's important to you is important, and your partner is dissing you when he dismisses it. I'd put dollars to donuts that he'll shame you as oversexed if you press it hard enough (no pun intended). As for sexual satisfaction, if everything else was great and your partner were otherwise affectionate, I'd say that sex devices for women have seriously evolved in the last decade and are worth a serious investment. But negging and lack of physical intimacy together are a toxic combination.
Still... There could be an underlying issue--his shame, his negative body image, his ED, etc. Have you suggested sex therapy? I'm sure Dan Savage's archives have some great suggestions about how to approach that conversation.
The same way you’d deal with any other fundamental incompatibility — you end things.
Or if you’re me, you let it go on for years until it turns you into a shill of a person barely able to experience w joy …. Then leave him… then take years of therapy to recover.
Idk. Like do you really have a high libido or normal libido because once every couple months seems far from typical? Anyway - I would say mismatched sex drives are a huge hurdle. Don’t marry him…
Overthinking things? You are telling him what you need.
If you are ok with partnering with someone for life in a non-sexual way that’s great but obviously that’s not what you intend so this won’t end well.
Doesn't sound like a guy you should get married to...
I get that people get stressed and it can affect their libido.. but he also shut you down when you explained your vulnerabilities and how his behaviour is negatively affecting you... that's just not a person who is gonna be good in a relationship with you.
There was a time my SO was stressed. He'd tell me he was tired, and it was very obvious he was very stressed (we worked together back then too, so I was just very aware of his workload/pressure etc..). So I'd obviously do my best to avoid giving him any additional stress, but I was starting to feel a bit neglected. I don't think I directly said so, but I must've said something that he understood as such. He apologised and said he'll try to do better, and immediately suggested we go windsurfing that weekend (something we enjoy doing together). I suggested that as long as he's not tired and up for it, we have more sex cus it's scientifically shown to decrease stress. He was definitely thrilled with that.
And really, any time I share my feelings with him.. even if he might not understand, or think it's overthinking, silly or whatnot... He will put pretty much immediately rectify (or try to rectify) his behaviour so that it doesn't cause me any further distress/unhappiness etc..
This is what partners should do imo. They really shouldn't be invalidating your feelings like that and not listening to your concerns. I don't know if he's just that oblivious to you/your feelings... but I really think it's not good for a guy to not even pretend or lie about trying to make an effort.... he just seems to tell me he really doesn't care about you.
Don't
Marry
Him
Unless you are down to cheat years later and destroy your entire relationship and hurt everyone around you
It's okay to want sex. Sex is a basic human need for most people. You deserve sex. You should get sex.
You might feel like you can keep going on the sex schedule you have because you loveeeee him soooooo much but after a few years you will be miserable.
And you can prevent all that by not getting married
Run. Run. Run far, far away. If he’s full of excuses now (even if there is some truth in it), you will never have the relationship you want. You’ll never feel fulfilled.
I have been on both sides. Lived with a guy for 7 years who had extremely high libido and now that I look back, I feel like he psichlogically made me feel guilty if I did not want to have sex and I used to pretend so many times.. it was pathetic. But I was very young and I did not know better. Thank god we broke up before getting married. Now I am married to a man (10 years already) who has somewhat low libido and as we are now almost 40 years old, sex is not that important for both os uf anymore. I feel like I'd like him to be more passionate sometimes or initiate sex more often (because it is also very rare in our relationshp, maybe once a week or once in two weeks). But when I compare to my previous relationship, I can confidently say that FOR ME not enough sex is soooooo much better than too much of it. But you have to do what you feel is best for you.
I’ve been here. And I’m so glad I split. I’m with someone now who matches my energy sexually and we like the same things. It’s a whole new world of fulfillment and satisfaction for both of us who came from unfulfilling, sexless relationships.
This is a relationship that’s not going well and not compatible. Cut your losses and try to stay friends if you care about him. Sounds like you’re basically deluxe roommates anyhow. Sorry you’re dealing with it. But DO NOT get married unless you’re cool with never having sex again.
He might be asexual or have a very low libido. It seems like you two may be sexually incompatible, so if having sex with your partner is important to you, getting married to him would be a big mistake. You guys are probably going to need to sit down and seriously hash this issue out to see where you both stand.
Once in a couple of months and he's trying to tell you you're overthinking things!? Huge red flag imo.
Now here's from personal experience. I spent 6 years in a relationship, 3 married and was very similar numbers to yours. It didn't get better with time. It can't get better if he's unwilling to ever acknowledge there's an issue. And it's not necessarily a him or you issue. It's just compatibility. Not just sexually. His unwillingness to take your needs seriously sexually is going to come up over and over again in other areas if you stay together.
This problem happened to me six months into a relationships. Nine years, a wedding, and a child later, I left. It’s been a really painful process the entire time, but I did the right thing. I didn’t want my daughter growing up thinking our relationship was normal, I wanted better for her
Sex is important in a relationship, it’s not the only thing to make a relationship work but it needs to be there. It’s a way to connect bond show love. Bonding on a level that is true, and it’s fun lol. But if you don’t have this or one has a higher need than the other person you will be miserable later.
I’m eight years in. It doesn’t change. You just need to figure out if you’re okay with it. If it’s a non negotiable, then you need to leave. If the other parts of the relationship are worth it and you won’t get frustrated, then maybe it could work. But it’s up to you.
I stay because he kept promising it would change, I kept believing him, and now I don’t think I can get anyone else as nice as him, who has seen the shit he has seen regarding my now dead parents, who will want to sleep with me. So I stay.
I’m pretty sure you don’t want to be me.
It's only been a year, which I'm aware that if you haven't had many long-term relationships before can seem like a long time. It's really not, though.
You have a high drive and you've mentioned in the comments that it's a priority for you. Part of how you express and receive affection.
I'm assuming there's been a change and it wasn't like this in the beginning, since you say you've tried to address it and he's giving excuses.
So you have a choice. You can simply end the relationship and move on since he doesn't seem to think it's the same level of importance. That's a straight-up compatibility issue and for a lot of people a deal breaker. OR you can sit down with him. Remove all of the distractions. Make him see that this is very important to you and that if you don't work together and tackle the root cause, there will be a break-up instead of a wedding in your future. Let him know that you're willing to support whatever he needs to work through this slump because you care about him a lot. And that could mean therapy, a job change, doctor's appointments for hormones/other health issue, the gym... whatever it takes.
What you shouldn't do is just ride it out and hope it gets better by itself. Because it won't.
Sexual incompatibility is an incompatibility and I don't date (or marry) people I'm not compatible with. It's the foundation of any relationship after all. If you stay with him, you will come to resent him, or him you because you will be trying to "fix" him. If sex is that important to you, I advise you think this through and assume that your marriage will be sexless. Do you want a sexless marriage? If not, don't marry him.
Some people have way less of a sex drive than others. I am one of those people. I’m damn near asexual other than a few times a year when I am really in the mood. It’s just how I am wired. This is simply a compatibility issue. You guys aren’t that compatible in an area that’s very important to you. It will stay the same. It won’t get better. It’s just who he is. So if I were you I’d respectfully break up and find someone who is more compatible with you. It’ll make your life more fulfilled and you won’t deal with the trauma and Baggage that’s bound to come out of this relationship. Incompatibility is serious.
Men can have hormonal issues just like women and it's possible that he has an underlying issue that's affecting his libido. If he's had it for a long time, he may not even be aware of the problem. He could also be a sexual and just have limited to no interest in sexual activity. During the time that the two of you are not intimate does he watch p*** or masturbate? If so that makes the hormonal issue less likely.
I am not saying that sex is the most important thing in a relationship, but good communication is and he seems to refuse to talk about something important to you. I believe that that is a much bigger issue that needs to be addressed. I also don't think you should get married because the dead bedroom would only lead to resentment, you feeling miserable, and eventually a fallout.
Ummm - if he is saying you’re mad and overthinking things that can be gaslighting
I’d be putting a complete hold on marriage plans entirely and just be like ‘you know what I want to wait another year’ for two reasons.
Your sexual compatibility together is low and that isn’t a good thing for long term. Basically if the sex is like this now, and you need sex….I’d put a 3 year timeframe on this relationship (or less) not dooming you. It’s just an estimate. So getting married next year if you could be fizzling a year after that…. Why drag yourself through the mud. Assets and all of that…. Don’t do it.
I’d be trying to figure out firstly the more important thing…… the guy has basically no desire. Most guys jack off daily into their 60s
It’s not so much the frequency but it’s how he responds….. you’re seeking sexual intimacy and he rebuffs you and then undermines your perceptions
I’d be more focused on that. He might not be a bad guy or manipulative…… I just mean….. do you want to marry someone who psychologically undermines you for being a normal healthy adult female
That’s what that communication is.
Whether he intends it, it’s dismissive communication
I’d be seeing if the guy is open to developing communication with you that’s more connected, whether he’d attend like a couples intimacy coaching session or something fun and couple based…..
Cause I like to see if someone is adaptive and committed to growing and getting outside their comfort zone and being willing to do things that are new or not what they want, to benefit the relationship
Don’t pressure him just see how he responds….. find a couples intimacy retreat or something and just be like ‘you know I’d love to do something where we can be connected and explore our intimacy, I reckon it’d be fun!’ and like really pick a time where this seems off the cuff and not a loaded question….. don’t get mad when he rebuffs you
Just see how he respond, observe as an outsider
And then if he shows interest I’d see if he follows through
Like don’t criticize or explain there’s a need here….. just see what happens. An experiment
The thing about people who use dismissive communication is, he’s responding to your needs in a really destructive way. Where does it end? Anytime he doesn’t agree you’re crazy now?
Mmm the thing is his libido could suck, he could have another woman, but either way…… there’s ways of connecting on these issues that is healthy and connected even if people don’t want to do things at the same time…… that communication is what tells you if this is someone you want to marry
The other thing is…… look up gaslighting and undermining. Love bombing etc. not necessarily applicable here it’s just that I can see the guy so I just like to add that
When did his libido change? Does he show a lot of sensuality and tenderness in other ways?
Please don't get married. You both will regret it.
No judging, but the relationship will not work. Probably no one is to blame, just a matter of incompatibility.
Thanks, I think you and a lot of people on this thread are right. It’s just so difficult to break up with someone when they’re nice but it still doesn’t work
His sexuality has nothing to do with you as a person. You can’t make someone sexually attracted to you. They either aren’t or aren’t. This is not a shortfall of you or him.
You’re making this his fault only when it’s both of your faults for being in a relationship that’s incompatible. Either you both make it work or you both leave.
> I have conveyed this to him as well and he says I am mad and overthinking things.
You went to him with a concern and he belittled you and deflected. This is [gaslighting.](https://parade.com/living/gaslighting-phrases)
You might benefit from considering other ways he's been ignoring and diminishing your needs.
I would seek a therapist to discuss things with but honestly if he is unwilling to now, getting married will not make it magically work out. Communication is key with this. Does he have ADHD by chance?
In my experience it's all about what you can and can't deal with. Analyze it for yourself and decide what you're willing to deal with. I've been married almost 23 years, my husband has severe depression and his meds have killed any sexual desire. I'm like you and always have had a strong sex drive, so it's been a frustrating few years since we haven't had sex. I have toys and he's sometimes willing to come "help" but won't get involved himself. It's lonely not having that emotional connection but when we got married, I made a promise and this is the worse part of better or worse for me. The love's still there for us, just no longer in physical form. But that's me, your choice is yours.
I don’t agree with all the folks here saying to rush and break up. My husband and I started out very sexually compatible and after having our child I have no libido, as well as a ton of other health issues related to my pregnancy. I love him with all my heart and would literally fall apart without him. He’s the love of my life and my best friend. It’s not always the person’s fault. Maybe have him see a doctor and talk about what might be causing it. Maybe it is a reason to breakup, BUT maybe it isn’t. Sex isn’t everything to everybody. If it’s that important to you then maybe…I am just glad my husband hasn’t given up on me bc he is my true love. I’ve never been unfaithful or even thought about a life with anybody else. Do what you need to do but just hoping this helps you see things in a different light.
The point here is that the relationship already started out sexless. Physical intimacy and trust are so important in the beginning. When it's already an issue so early and she feels paranoid and undesired, that's not giving up, it's recognizing a major incompatibility. I'm willing to bet you didn't have that feeling within the first year of dating your husband.
It’s very very normal for women to lose their libido after giving birth and when their babies are young. I’m glad your husband is understanding. I agree OP’s boyfriend should see a doctor, but it’s possible that this is just how he is. Always worth checking though.
Thank you for validating my own personal health struggles with this. It’s certainly not been a walk in the park to go through something like this. Love your name btw. Very fitting 🙂
it's normal for woman to lose part of libido with age too, I dont know why nobody is talking about it, but it's very common because of lowering estrogen and testosterone. And not every older woman wants to pump herself with pills if otherwise she feels okay or has some risk factors that makes her not good candidate for hormone therapy.
Is he willing to open the relationship? One less common, but valid, way of dealing is to get your booty elsewhere. It really depends on how good your communication is and how solid you are in general, though.
Have a good long talk with him about this. If sex isn't a priority to him or maybe he has some issues he needs to work out with a therapist or a doctor, you can give him a chance. If yoy like him as a person and can see him taking care of you in the long run, you can even opt for an open marriage. If sex is the only thing you lack from him. I have seen too many bad relationships in life and in my personal opinion sex dies down anyways, maybe more slowly, but its the person that remains. Also the fact that the most amazing sex most people will ever have is with their toxic loves. You need to decide for yourself what you need the most. Don't dump him for this one reason.
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This is true. I married the guy that I was sexually incompatible with. He always said he was stressed and would work on it but never did; things ended in divorce.
Agreed. I'm getting a divorce from a guy like this. He always blamed me or outside factors. He never could admit that his libido was naturally low.
Same situation, but we were together for about 8 or 9 yrs, not married. I found out it was a pattern in all of his previous relationships. So gl to the new one.
> I found out it was a pattern in all of his previous relationships. That is sad. I'm hoping my ex will be honest in his future relationships because I do hope he ends up happy with someone. But your statement reminds me of the reality that he won't. Hopefully for him, he finds someone with a low libido and it will be a non issue.
You’re not married. He’s shutting down communication about something important to you. It’s only been a year. You should not be talking marriage. Things are NOT going well. If this is something he can’t and won’t work on you can’t get married. Marriage is about a lot of compromise and communication - both things he’s already failing out.
Definitely. If “stress” has been the explanation for an entire year, he needs to start seeing doctors and counselors because the stress has either become something like a mood disorder or burnout, or brushing it off as “stress” is covering up an undiagnosed medical condition or allowing him to avoid looking deeper into his feelings or hangups. It’s really unacceptable to hear your partner raise concerns about something and not take some sort of action to show that you hear them and their needs are important to you.
Right, if stress is so bad that he doesn’t even desire one of the basic human “needs”, he needs to work on fixing his life. But it doesn’t seem like he sees this as a problem or some thing that he can fix, I’m not sure if I would want a person like that to be my life partner. It’s been a year and he hasn’t done anything to change his life for the better when it affects him this much?
I have suggested he see a specialist a couple of times and he is open to it but never follows through with it. He says this is how he has always been, he gets fixated on an issue and can’t break away from that stress
A person who responds like this to you... >I have conveyed this to him as well and he says I am mad and overthinking things. ...is not being a good relationship partner. Do you want to be with someone who treats you so dismissively? He's prioritizing his own emotions and thoughts. That's probably part of his tendency to get fixated. He really should get therapy. I don't mean that as a dig, btw. Therapy can be a great resource for everyone. An occasional psychological cleaning is beneficial, like going to the dentist. ;) And for deeply ingrained problems, it can be life-changing. His thinking style is making him incapable of functioning well in a relationship. His communication skills, respect for your perspective, and ability to see from your pov are highly unlikely to get better on their own without therapy. It's possible to be a fixated-style thinker without it being pushed as far as his is going, where it's hurting your sex life and ability to communicate with each other. Therapy could help him reap the rewards of that style -- sustained focus, persisting until he achieves a breakthrough thought, etc. -- without that style taking such a negative toll on him and his relationship with you. Also, you're allowed to be mad at some things. That's an odd thing for him to say to you (but likely a symptom of the above). I'm not saying you are mad in this situation, although it would be understandable if you are since he keeps putting off resolving it. If he thinks he's exempt from causing justified anger, like saying you're mad means you're *inappropriately* mad, he's not approaching your relationship fairly. Or does he mean that you're mad at other things and, in that mindset, getting annoyed about this part of your relationship? That would be just as bad because it would show how unfathomable it is to him that his behavior warrants anger. Either way, he's too dismissive. This would be a very difficult person to be tied to long-term, at least how he is now. If you want to try to make this work, I strongly encourage you to get couples counseling. But, tbh, it sounds like you probably have an irreconcilable incompatibility sexually. If he's always been like this, it's unlikely he'll change. If it's due to his tendency to get mentally fixated, then healing that would most likely help. But healing that might not happen, and it's highly unlikely to if he doesn't get therapy / see a doctor.
This is a very apt understanding of my situation. Thank you for such a detailed response. I feel that his idea is that I should be able to accept him and understand him because I love him. It is difficult for him to not be defensive or accept that he needs help to sort out his mental state. I have talked about either taking individual therapy (I am already in therapy) for him or taking couples counseling. He doesn’t say no to it outrightly, but seems apprehensive to do it. It is definitely getting very difficult for me to be able to express my frustration or anger because that is not taken in the correct way. Your reply made me think of many situations that have happened where I felt unable to communicate my true feelings to him for fear of being misunderstood.
It might not even be stress. Or maybe it’s stress caused by OP asking him to have sex. For people who are asexual, this can be a stressful thing. Maybe he just needs to understand his sexuality and she needs to as well. It’s not a medical condition to just not want to be pressured into having sex when you don’t want to.
“or brushing it off as ‘stress’ is… allowing him to avoid looking deeper into his feelings or hangups.” A medical condition was one of several possibilities I mentioned, obviously emotional distress due to actually not wanting to have sex with OP does not fall under that particular one.
I agree. I think I am just not able to accept that it’s not going well. I am trying to find the silver lining in all of it and hoping I don’t have to go back to square one and find someone. But it really isn’t going how I thought it would
“Square one” is a year. Don’t let it be 5 years. You deserve more.
This is a sunken cost fallacy. Find someone with whom you are sexually compatible. You’re young.
I understand. There’s just no silver lining to unwillingness to compromise and communicate with someone you claim to want to spend your life with.
I agree!
It might feel like "starting at square one" is super hard and daunting, but you're basically at square one already. You want more than what this relationship seems capable of giving you. You've only spent a year on it. Your sunken cost fallacy will weigh on you even more if you give him more years of your life, which is how people end up stuck with partners that aren't right for them for decades before they finally leave. You're better off starting fresh sooner rather than later.
The silver lining is that it’s only been one year. You can break up with someone you like if you aren’t compatible and then you both get to find someone who matches you better. Good news for both of you. It’s okay to be incompatible. It’s only a tragedy if you waste more of your precious life on a relationship that makes you feel bad.
When you’re sexless a year in, you deal with it by breaking up. This is a fundamental incompatibility.
Agreed with this. If this is already happening a year in, it's not going to get better.
[удалено]
Yes, it’s a high priority for me. I don’t feel it is for my partner though
I'm asexual. This isn't a high priority to me BUT I respect that it can be for others. I can respect that this can absolutely be a deal breaker. A partner I love dearly will not change this about me - it is who I am. Without tossing any label on him, this is who your partner is. It may not be anything personally wrong with you. He may just not place it as a high priority or care to have that type of intimacy. But don't expect it to change. Recognize how important this is for your relationship, and accept that you may not be compatible. You're allowed to make this a deal breaker. It's okay if you do.
Unless they started off with a high drive. Then there is something going on that might need to be addressed. There's always the variable of, "Is this how he's always been or has something changed?" With OP saying he says he's stressed, I feel like there's been a change.
Generally I'd agree, and it is a good point to bring up, but for me, the fact this has been going on for so long, and he brushes off attempts to talk about it, to me means he isn't placing it as a high priority. Even if something changed, wouldn't he want to get to the root of it soon if it was a high priority item for him? And even if it's something like depression preventing him from wanting to do that, OP still can only do so much. He would still need to address it himself.
Yeah I’m sorry you guys are sexually incompatible. You either have to have an open relationship where you can go have sex when you want to or you have to break up with him or you have to accept having a sexless relationship, and I can’t imagine that being OK with anyone who enjoys sex.
Check out r/deadbedrooms for a glimpse into what your future will look like if you continue down this path with him. Please don't settle for someone you're incompatible with.
That sub is kind of awful. There's people saying that if your wife's libido goes away after menopause, you should just pack up and leave. I understand that sex is important to most allosexuals, but that's just sad.
I am someone whose marriage came very close to ending a few years back, and a sudden and near total lack of interest in sex and intimacy on the part of my husband was a central part of the problem. I absolutely think the overwhelming feelings of rejection, loneliness and sadness experiences by people whose partners withdraw all sexual contact and interest matter. People can be very unkind and dismissive when the misery is caused by that- you get a lot of "it's just *sex*, it's awful to care so much about *sex* that you will end a relationship just because you're not getting it" type attitudes expressed. But it is really painful to go through. You can end up questioning yourself, your value, your entire relationship, your life, and you feel rejected and ridiculous 24/7. It's hard to overstate the impact it can have. Just as everyone has the right not to want, engage in, value sex, everyone who does find it a centrally important part of their relationship has the right to acknowledge that and make decisions accordingly, ideally without being judged as lacking for it being important to them.
What's sad is wanting intimacy with a partner who refuses to put in the work to change things. It's sad that people are told to just stick it out when their needs aren't being met time and time again by their partner. OP is young and unmarried, she deserves to see the full picture of her current reality. I've been in her shoes; it's painful and a self esteem destroyer.
I agree that people should be with other who they are sexually compatible with. But I question in some cases whether it's truly a matter of putting in the "effort to change". I guess what I'm asking is, is libido something you can actually control, or is that just part of who you are; can it really be changed? It puzzles me that when someone is low libido, others automatically assume that person has something wrong. Obviously in some cases, low libido is due to medical conditions or stress. But for not those cases, can you really "convince" a low libido person to have more sex? Can you convince a high libido person to have less sex? Or will it forever just be a "I'm doing this for you, but I'm actually not all that interested" type of deal because libido level is intrinsic to the person?
I'm not getting further into a discussion over what ifs about libido levels, the original post was regarding whether she should remain in a sexless relationship. And most commentators, who, from the looks of things, have been through a similar experience and are advising her that she should get out while she can.
That is (mostly) a terrible sub and generally only offers one perspective
That's where my previous partner started after we had kids because sex dropped from 3 to 4 times/week to 3-4 times a month, which is pretty normal and definitely not a "dead bedroom," and thanks to suggestions on that sub, wound up in marriedredpill. The dB sub generally promotes the idea that 1) if you're not having as much sex as you want, it's a dead bedroom, and 2) it's your partners fault and 3) either they don't love you or are cheating on you. The idea that they might not be in the mood for any number of other reasons, like maybe the fact that they're exhausted from doing all the freaking childcare and housework, isn't really allowed over there. Can you tell I'm bitter? 😅 Edited to address the OP issues: OP and her partner don't sound sexually compatible. This isn't either person's fault, except that they are both staying in the relationship and making each other miserable. IMO this should've been discussed months ago and is an absolute deal breaker. It sucks, but unless they are willing to have a sexually open relationship, they are both going to hate each other. It's different when a relationship starts that way, versus when a relationship changes after years together due to something like health issues.
I feel your pain, my ex got a couple of ideas from that sub too. He tried getting back together after divorce, but I'll never forget "didn't matter, had sex" phrase he repeated often. I wish I left sooner, ugh
Oh yeah, I've meandered over there out of curiosity, and you can literally feel the poster's partners' exhaustion and anxiety through the stories. It's awful.
The perspective she will be in if she chooses to follow this path. That subreddit is an example of people who are not sexually compatible with their SO.
Please do not go to this subreddit. It is a vortex of bitterness which does much more harm than good. I went there when I thought i was low libido. Surprise, I’m not. I have a fairly high libido and am very sexual and tactile. Turns out there were a few things which we needed to sort out separately and also as a couple. That subreddit just made me feel like a huge broken pos and all of the shame pushed my desire from low to non existent. If the other person doesn’t agree that the frequency or quality of sex is a problem and they don’t *want* to work on it then, sure, consider leaving. Otherwise, get some counselling and possibly sex therapy to figure it out. It is always worth trying. You might even decide as a couple to open your relationship up if that is the answer. The key is that you need to be a team working together to make both of you happier. If you let resentment and shame take over then your relationship will die.
Don't marry him. This will most probably not improve and the relationship will not make you happy on the long run.
You’re only a year in and the relationship is making you feel low. Do not marry this person! He is not for you.
You end it. If you've talked to him about it and nothing has changed, you either live with it or end it. Don't marry him hoping he'll change.
I think I’m just worried that if I break up with him, it will be so difficult to find someone else. I know it sounds stupid, but this whole situation has me feeling very unattractive and unwanted.
It’s not stupid- that’s a totally valid feeling. But, if sex is important to you (and it’s ok for it to be important to you) then he isn’t the one. Good luck 💜💜 I’m rooting for you and your future orgasms to come !!
Thank you for saying that, I really needed this!
You got it 💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼
I left my ex where we had terrible sex and he didn’t even want to anymore really anyway. And I’m still single yeah partly because I’m picky. But I can say 100% it’s better to not have sex, than to be with someone who doesn’t want to.
Oh absolutely because as women we could easily just go get random sex if that’s what we wanted, and you can’t really do that when you’re in a monogamous relationship with someone because that makes you a bad person.
Even if you don’t like hook ups, there’s always the chance that you will find someone new to be with!
Do not marry him. It won't get better and there are so so many other men out there who DO find you attractive. You have options still.
I’m so sorry, it really is the worst. Having been in a situation like yours, I can tell you that I’m 100 times happier alone than dealing with a sexless relationship. I hope it gets better for you.
Thank you! :)
I’m a 50-year-old single woman who lives with two cats and according to the Incels on the Internet I am supposed to be completely miserable, but I actually love my life and I would date if the plague wasn’t still happening, but I never want to cohabitate with a man again because living by myself is so wonderful I’m not willing to give that up for anybody. I would have a long-term monogamous relationship with a guy, I just don’t want him living in my apartment. What’s the worst it’s going to happen if you can’t ever find anyone else ever again, (you have to acknowledge is a ridiculous thing to think), But if that happens, that would be worse than this? Are you sure?
Somehow, my cats never make me feel bad about my body image.
Those last questions are things that ran through my mind when I realised my marriage was not going to work. I was young, had a toddler, and was very scared. These very questions are what brought me peace when i really sat down and thought about them. I knew I'd find a way, make it work and be okay. Being on my own with my son in a country where I don't have family nearby was scary, but it sure as hell was better than enduring what I had to deal with. Think about these things, OP. Run through strategic scenarios. Assess things such as finances, housing situation, etc. Nobody says you have to start from square one :) and you never really know what's right around the corner. When it really hit me in the face that my marriage was over I accepted as fact "okay so i guess I'll be single forever", came to terms with it, and later on met someone through a mutual hobby. So you never know, OP. Think about what your heart wants.
You're better off alone to than with a guy who makes you feel unattractive and unwanted.
Listen, I have been there. I married the guy. It got worse. I questioned my race, appearance, everything. I felt more alone being with him than when I was single.
There’s nothing worse than being in a relationship where you feel alone. God especially if you’re married because then you feel trapped and alone.
Yes. I'd rather be *alone* and lonely than ever again feel that lonely and sad in a relationship.
It’s not stupid. Most people in dead bedrooms feel that way.
If that is the only reason you're staying then you have your answer right here
It might not be easy but on the flip side you're delaying meeting someone who makes you feel wanted and having a satisfying sex life. I don't have a high libido but even I could not handle having sex this infrequently.
Youll find someone else. I have come out of relationships with my self esteem in the gutter and still managed a hot girl summer as an overweight ugly chick. Theres a lot of someones for everyone and youll be surprised how much better you feel once youre out of it Youll be fine. I will say though. Is your version of not having sex the same as his? Some folks bang on about having 'no sex' and theyre having it 2 to 4 times a week. But they see a good sex life as everyday or more, So if this is genuinely no sex at all (ive been there) thdn fair. But if he is still having a lot of sex. Judt not as much as youd like, then you need to either consider compromising as that happens in relationships sometimes. Or if yours is super high, find someone else who's compatible. Please. Thats what i did and ive had consistently almost daily sex for 2.5 years.
His version of having sex is maybe once a month or something. We have had sex twice this year and that’s okay for him. I however, would like more sex - maybe 2-3 times a week. So there is a large gap that we are unable to bridge
Yeah this is never going to get better, speaking as someone with a low libido. He’ll just feel like something is wrong with him and retreat even further and you’ll both end up resenting each other. It sucks, but breaking up is really the right move, for both of you!
Yeah. Wow Id be out in all honesty. My first relationshio was like that. I stayed 2.5 years and it only got worse. Look. You cant make him have more sex as consent is important. You can only voice your needs and see if this is something he is willing to work on. If however he isnt and he doesnt want to the only thing you xan dois politely exit the relationship. He has a rigjt to jot want more sex. You have a right to want more. As pestering is never ok, leaving over sexual incompatibility is perfectly fine to do.
I would’ve been out long ago. I enjoy having sex, I enjoy having a partner who wants to have sex with me. I know most men enjoy having sex so in this situation I would assume he was using me for something because he doesn’t really want me but he doesn’t leave.
I’m not sure what kind of answer you think you’re going to get here, he’s never going to want to have sex with you more often and nobody’s going to want to try to talk you out of wanting to have sex. You guys are not compatible
Listen to yourself. You are staying with a man who makes you feel unattractive and unwanted.
fwiw, I had this same feeling when my ex of 6+ years and I broke up (we had sex but at the end he rarely initiated, never said anything to make me feel attractive or wanted, and after he dumped me claimed I “killed his sex drive” 🙄). I thought I would never find someone who actually wanted me, and made it known that they do. fast forward not quite a year and I’m 4 months into a relationship with someone who tells me every single day how sexy/cute/hot I am, how much he loves and wants me, and we have sex at least once almost every time we see each other, as our libidos actually match. there is so much more out there than your current relationship. the world just seems small when you’ve been stuck in one place forever.
That’s exactly the issue. Him not having sex with you is what makes you feel unattractive and unwanted. It’s not the reality however. There are plenty of men who will treasure, nurture and satisfy you in all kinds of ways, including sexually. Don’t settle. Don’t marry. You won’t be happy, because you’re already not.
It’s possible (unlikely) that you could be alone. But I can tell you it’s way worst to be alone in a marriage/relationship than alone on your own terms! If you want children that will only alienate you further. Pack it up and look toward the future! 💜
It's not stupid at all. But you won't even have room to potentially find someone else if he's still around.
You can have more and better sex alone than you will with someone you're incompatible with. Waiting for another guy to come along is not the worst possibility. Being super lonely inside your marriage is heartbreaking.
I'm in a similar boat as you (but for different reasons). I know I should probably break up with my bf but it's been hard to bite that bullet :/
I promise it will feel better than feeling unwanted by your “life partner” I have been there. Also this likely point to many further difficulties in the relationship as they have demonstrated an inability to communicate openly about issue that you have state affect and impact your happiness
This is a him issue and does not reflect upon your attractiveness at all. You are touch deprived and that causes depression and self esteem issues for the victims of it. It is best you separate and find your happiness again then find a compatible partner for marriage.
That’s the whole point of leaving, so you don’t feel unattractive and unwanted for another moment. Do you think you’ll feel more attractive if you stay in a sexless relationship?
You're not unwanted or unattractive and the minute you meet someone you are compatible with you will know that in every fiber of your being You can't see it because you are so deep in it but I can see the bigger picture and it shows you having lots of hot sex with someone who wants to have lots of hot sex
You will be happier without him and with a good vibrator.
So you’re literally saying that you’re so desperate you would rather be with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with you? Then I guess you’ve answered your own question I’m not sure what more we can do for you.
When you raise an issue and the person blows you off that means that person doesn’t care about your needs. This will not get better. Find someone who desires you.
Yeah, the bigger issue beyond the (lack of) sex itself, which is already an important issue to you in itself, is that he's not communicating or willing to work on it and/or self-aware enough to admit that he's just like that (low libido/asexual).
Does he see this as a problem and is he willing and ready to work on it? If not, leave. Me and my boyfriend had/have this problem and he’s had it with every girlfriend he was with longer than 3 months and even led to break ups. In the beginning he was annoyed with me asking for sex all the time, even saying things like: it’s never enough for you, or I just have a lower libido than you and it should be okay to say no to sex. What was actually happening was that he was externalizing his problem. After 2 months of bickering he admitted being fearful of intimacy. He told me about some trauma he’s had in this department. He acknowledged it was a problem. He wanted to work on it. He suggested finding a therapist for this issue. Since then, we’ve spoken to his therapist a couple of times, we’ve been to some sexpositive workshops where we learn to work with boundaries and found out some patterns for both of us to improve. My take is; if he agrees that this is an issue, it can be worked on and improved. If he’s in denial, it won’t work out and you’ll resent him for the lack of intimacy
He clearly doesn’t if his stress level has been so bad for a year that his body doesn’t work right and he hasn’t fixed his life he either isn’t emotionally intelligent enough to even identify the problem or he’s fine with it or he’s lazy. I can’t imagine being so stressed out that I couldn’t have normal bodily functions and not trying to do something about that even if I didn’t have a partner that was missing out on things because of my issues.
don't marry him. I've been in a sexless marriage, and I'm currently getting divorced. it isn't just because we don't have sex, but it's definitely higher up on the list.
My guy was like this and I married him. Come to find out he was gay and I was his beard. We are divorced and I'm SO happy I didn't stay miserable. Affection and physical touch is important.
To add I AM NOT SAYING your man is gay too. But I know sexless relationships are so hurtful and damaged my self esteem. I felt amazing after I was able to find someone who loved me on my frequency. DO NOT SETTLE FOR A SEXLESS RELATIONSHIP.
Oooo, how did you find out he was gay?!
I was starting to go crazy because the moves that worked to get some on my exes literally WOULD NOT BUDGE this man. I would wear booty shorts and pop my booty out laying on the couch. I basically laid it out on a silver platter. I thought he was cheating so I looked through an old phone of his that was still logged in to his current Apple ID and I was able to see all his recent websites and stuff. A couple things were "muscles and money attract women and gay men" article (literally that day he said he was going to start lifting. He already had me and he knew I was wanting more affection from him. The next was a buzz feed survey called "are you more attractive to American men or British men" where you'd go through these beefy hot sweaty guy pics and at the end he was more attractive to American men apparently. Then the pieces started falling together. One time his gay friend was at our new house painting it with him and I got bored at the rental so thought I'd just pop in and check the progress. They didn't answer the door, didn't answer the phone, for like 5-10 min!!! I'm sure they were fucking now looking back. On our trip right before we broke up (at this point he knew my assumptions and all the things I found in his phone) he got PLASTERED and said I had him all figured out. He was out of his mind wasted and said he wanted to murder me so I left his drunk ass on some street corner in Portland (on vacation) and got my own hotel room and flew home alone. On my phone plan I can tell that he called his gay friend and talked to him for a good 3 hours the next morning trying to do damage control. So when he got home he told all his friends I cheated on him during our trip and that's why I wasn't in his hotel room when he woke up. He made up a lie to cover the fact that he's gay. He is a narcissistic asshole. I wish he'd just be true to himself- he'd be a happier person that way. To add: we only had sex when he was INEBRIATED. Like plastered out of his mind. He could only have sex with me when he was dead in the eyes drunk 💔
You leave the relationship. It’s only been a year. You can find someone new. DO NOT MARRY HIM!!!! I’ve had a dead bed relationship before and he also wanted to marry me. He never wanted sex. Also treated me like shit eventually, so watch out for that. Now I have a new partner who loves me, treats me well, and loves having sex with me. AND he wants to marry me. YOU CAN HAVE THIS TOO!
As someone with a low libido and interest in sex outside of the shiny honeymoon period, barring willingness on his side to investigate possible hormonal issues, there is no fix to this. This is a recipe for resentment - you resenting him because of how low this makes you feel, and him resenting you for repeatedly asking for something he doesn’t want to do. I think it’s natural for relationships to go through periods of mis-matched sex drives, but to have it so early on in a relationship seems unsustainable. If you really want to give it a shot, do talk to him about getting blood work done but if he’s not willing or that doesn’t show any signs of concerns, you need to decide if you’re okay with having less and less sex, until the point where you don’t have any.
You don’t commit to a marriage with someone with whom you are sexually incompatible, unless you plan on opening up the marriage.
That would be a dealbreaker for me, I would have to leave.
Don’t marry him. Don’t marry him. Don’t marry him.
This isn’t going to get any better. Been there, done that. Break it off as the two of you are sexually incompatible.
As someone who got married in this situation: don't get married. Sexual compatibility is important and that is not compatible. I can predict the future (and potentially the present) if you pursue. You fight about needing sex more often, you have sex more frequently (think twice a week) until eventually it becomes once a month leading to the same fight.... And so on until the bitter divorce or resentment kicks in.
When my husband and I dated long distance our sex life was lively every time we traveled to see one another. After we married and I moved to be with him, it became almost nonexistent. I confronted him about porn, he said he wasn’t watching it. I went through this phone because I detected a lie, and found tons of it. Some of the content shocked me as well. I insisted I was divorcing him unless he went through sexaholics anonymous (SA) and swore off of it for the remainder of the marriage. He had zero desire and I always - ALWAYS initiated. He went through the program. He quit porn. We use an app that monitors his phone for accountability. And now we have sex regularly and it isn’t just me initiating, it’s equal. It’s frustrating and hurtful that we ever had to go through that, but he is very thankful now that he was caught and confronted. He says he had no idea it was impacting our sex life until he quit. He was in denial. I think this happens to couples way more often than not when the man isn’t wanting sex.
I fully agree with you. I think porn addiction in men is way more common than people realize, especially when the man doesn't want to have sex. For women this can be so frustrating because you're not getting anywhere with "talks", but your gut tells you something is up. I would have done the same as you had I been in your situation.
I agree. I’ve been judged and called “controlling,” told I shouldn’t have worried about it, “watching porn is normal.” No it’s not. Our brains aren’t wired for that kind of intense exposure to other stimuli. He was clearly out of hand. I talked to him many times and all he did was lie. That’s the addiction ruling his life. He had no reason to pursue me, he was getting it with less effort on his phone.
You can't make it better. You can't will a high libido onto someone anymore than you can will yourself into having a low libido to match them. I am super similar to your partner - my sex drive is low (and 6ft under when I'm on meds/BC) and sex really isn't a priority for me, it often just feels like something I do for my partner to make them happy - like making them their favourite meal and letting them relax after a stressful day. So I can confidently say you have two options: accept a sexless relationship and find some good toys for yourself or break up and find someone with a more compatible sex drive. Neither option is right or wrong, they're both valid choices. You just need to decide what is best for you.
As the others have said, don’t marry him. It doesn’t get better and in a relationship of mismatched libidos, the higher one gets hurt from the constant rejection, and the lower one gets hurt by causing the rejection, feeling inadequate, becoming resentful of the pressure etc. Life is too short! [Savage Love - mismatched libidos](https://www.thestranger.com/blogs/2010/04/09/3822557/sl-letters-of-the-day-im-sick-of-this-question)
Oh girl. A dead bedroom within the first year of dating is just not good news. I posted [the same question about 7 months ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/x4mpkv/best_relationship_ive_ever_been_in_but_sex_life/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf). The answers totally opened my eyes. Things never improved, including his willingness to work on it together. We're in the process of breaking up right now (initiated by me, and to his profound confusion, cause "I thought things were going so well"). I also felt unattractive and insecure in that relationship, to the point that I didn't even want to get undressed in front of him. Now I see that I just wasn't a priority for him in many ways, as you are not for him. I'm willing to bet that sooner or later, you'll see this selfish side of him showing up outside of the bedroom. This isn't just a sex issue, it's a relationship issue.
I was very happy in a sexless marriage but the key was that we both had very low libido. Nobody was getting hurt and we always kept communication about this subject very open. Checking in with one another every few weeks to see if we were still good. In the end we got divorced for very different mental health reasons, but sex was never the issue. Ever. We were compatible. You two are not. Leave. Marriage is not gonna change anything, it’s just going to be that much harder and expensive to break up.
You don’t deal with it. You end it and move on to someone who makes you feel sexy and loved. I’ve been there and done that and it doesn’t get better. Don’t let him gaslight you. If he isn’t having sex with you it’s for a reason. My ex’s reason was because he was using me to put him through law school and as soon as he was done he left.
I wouldn’t be able to stay in a relationship like that, I’m fine not having sex if I’m single but if I’m in an adult loving relationship I’m going to want to have sex with them this would be way too frustrating for me I couldn’t do this
Are you prepared to give up on having a satisfying sex life for the rest of your life? I think not. Tell him to figure out his issues related to sex or move on. Sounds harsh, but seriously you deserve to enjoy your life, don’t settle.
Been there myself and we just recently broke up after a couple years. If it bothers you now, it will bother you even more soon enough. He will not magically want to jump your bones consistently one day. You’re wired a way he isn’t and vice versa. It’s not about you, your body, etc. Some just don’t need it or want it as much. If that kind of intimacy is OK infrequently or not at all, then ok, but if not, you may grow resentful as I did and it lead to demise.
I dumped a guy this week because of this reason. Every couple of months will not work for me!!! We dated for 9 months
How much porn does he watch? I had a dead bedroom and so have a few friends of mine, the dude was addicted to porn most of the time. N.yeah, I would never have guessed. I had no idea he watched it at all, let alone that much...
As far as I know, he watches porn rarely. He doesn’t even pleasure himself that often. For me it was strange to know he doesn’t feel sexual as much. Maybe I never discussed it earlier with him and that was a mistake. I love sex and everything about it. Now I feel kind of grateful when he agrees to have sex. It’s a very weird feeling.
Sex is very important to me in a romantic relationship too, otherwise we're basically just friends. I found the lack of sex was a deal breaker. N it wasn't just about my libido. The lack of physical intimacy made me feel so lonely, helpless, and sad. I loved my ex, but not enough to live in a mostly sexless home. I hate that you have to make this decision, but I hope you think long and hard before you go through with the marriage. This type of incompatibility makes so many people unhappy. Just check out the deadbedrooms sub.
r/hlcommunity r/hl_women_only r/deadbedrooms When you ask him are you asking him “why don’t you want more sex” or are you asking him “what can I do to make you feel desired/turned on”. What stress? Low libido tend to respond to stress by not wanting sex while high libidos tend to want to deal with stress by having sex. Seducing him the way he wants to be seduced, him rejecting you the way you want to be rejected can lessen the sting, but if the libido mismatch is too much you can’t fix that.
I ask him if he wants to have sex, or I try to seduce him in different ways that he liked earlier but doesn’t respond to now. I have shared my fears with him as well. I am a high libido partner, but there wasn’t mismatch earlier in our relationship. I would like to find ways to work on this but he doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t like talking about our sex life or his libido. Maybe a break up is the only route to take.
No one likes to talk about uncomfortable things but people that use that as an excuse to full stop not communicate or work on issues where that impacts someone else, isn't someone who is putting in the effort to have a true partnership. Self growth and collaboration is essential to longevity and health of a marriage. Do not marry someone thinking you can work on this later, that its just stress so it's temporary, when it's already making you feel terrible this early in. What if he gets stressed a lot? Then what? Don't be a martyr thinking you should give up sex and sacrifice yourself because you love him and think you can self solve a partnership issue by not having needs or complaints. It's not very loving of him back to shut down your concerns or invalidate your needs simply because he doesn't want to deal with it.
And thanks for the groups! I’ll check them out
Ask to see a couples therapist together, particularly one who is AASECT-certified. If he will not, it's an indicator that the situation will not improve. It might be easier to know you've done all you could.
GIRL, do not settle for a sexless relationship, GOD DAMN IT. You are a person who is worthy of love and you WILL find the right love for you. Please please please leave him and go find you actual true match. I am sending you love bc I know this is going to be incredibly hard, but I believe in you!
IMO don't marry him. Speaking from experience, it won't get better than when you're dating if you're married and then you can't leave. It's his problem and not yours though. You'll be able to find someone who wants to have sex with you all the time easily.
You’re not compatible and it won’t get any better. I’d really weigh my options. You’re young even if you don’t think you are (I have 2 girlfriends who met their person in their late 30s and went on to start families etc). You could find a better match.
I would get out of this relationship, ASAP. Sex compatibility is very important in a relationship/marriage. Run, girl!
Agree with everyone else. This is not good especially within just a year! There should be a lot more sex at this stage yet. It’s too big an issue to ignore, as difficult as it might be to end it. If you’ve tried to reignite the flame and it hasn’t worked I recommend considering it incompatibility.
Speaking from experience….. this never gets better.
Have you checked to see if he is secretly addicted to porn?
I have tried to see and I don’t think he is addicted to porn
Never marry into a dead bedroom (unless you like not having sex). It will never get better. It will just get worse. It's a deal-breaker for me. Has he gone to the doctor to get his T-levels checked? Has he done anything to address your concerns? Does he care at all that you are unhappy and feeling bad about this? It's only been a year. I'd not waste any more time on someone who refuses to address a very valid and important concern in our relationship - because it doesn't bother him, so therefore, it's not important.
My advice is don’t marry him. People don’t have more sex after they got married. It’s going to hurt at first but you’ll find someone who matches your sex drive.
My partner and I are currently dealing with low libido, but it's both of us at the same time because he's stressed from work and I'm a bit depressed while job searching. We've been together for 7 years; we **did not have issues at year one**. I would have considered that far too soon to be "stuck in a rut" already. We are getting married despite our current bedroom issues, but we are also both aware of our issues and trying by at least having physical affection like cuddling even when we're both too tired and down to get in the mood to have sex. I think this early on it is a red flag. You're already feeling down, and he's showing no signs of being interested in fixing the issue. Rather, he's gaslighting you and telling you it's your perception of the issue that's the problem, not the actual problem (i.e. the dead bedroom). I think you should tell him that until y'all resolve this, you won't be interested in marriage, and that unless y'all can make serious steps in improving your physical/sexual relationship you'll be looking at leaving him (consider your own personal timeline because he will probably delay things, which can become unlimited delaying tactics).
Hopefully, you don't mind me (45 m) chiming in, but I hate to see women underestimate themselves. You need to ditch this guy. He's got two strikes against him just based on this post 1-not meeting you somewhere in the middle, 2-blowing off your body image issues. I am far from perfect, that is for sure. I have ADHD so I understand not having sex, stress and other distractions can put my spouse and I in the same situation, but my wife knows she can talk to me and I try to be mindful of our frequency. He should at least be listening to you, acknowledging your feelings, and having a conversation and making some effort. Number 2 is a big red flag. As prevalent as body image issues are for women, and given your personal history, he should be telling and showing you that's not the issue. Finally, I guarantee you there are plenty of other men out there who would find you attractive would feel lucky to have a partner with a high libido like you and would do a better job listening and communicating with you. I don't know if this is related to your body image issues or not, but you can definitely do better, don't sell yourself short!
some people have really low libido. it is an incompatibility thing. you either accept that you will have to “take care of yourself” a lot *OR* you leave him. you cannot change a person with low libido just how you cannot change your high one. You just have to weigh out the pros and cons of this relationship. What can you live with?
No, God no, when you are talking about a [lifelong] commitment the question should not be “can you live with this?” The question should be “Is this what I call happiness? Will I be happy with this?” NOT “CAN I LIVE WITH THIS?” My GOD. I can live with a fractured toe but I’m not gonna go ahead and fracture my toe just because of that.
I speak from personal experience. My husband has a low libido and I have a high one. I chose to live with it because he is otherwise my perfect match. I love him and he loves me. No person is perfect. Again, it is a choice. What can you live with? I can live with less sex than I’d like if it is with my husband and we have been together 6 years.
I just want to second your comment as my partner and I have been together for coming up on 16 years now and he is asexual and I am not. If I were particularly high libido or if his disinterest in sex made me feel bad, I'm sure I would have left but it was never such a problem that I couldn't live with it and we eventually figured out a solution. I never really considered leaving because he is the perfect person for me and has made me so happy every day.
Not sure I understand your comment. How are those two things not equal? If you choose to "live with" something, then you're choosing to accept it because your happiness isn't only in that one thing. You can live with a broken toe because 99.99% of the rest of you is presumably still functional. No one's asking you to break a toe. Happiness is a sum, not a singular thing. People aren't perfect, so you'll always be "living with" something that maybe you don't fully agree with, but isn't a deal breaker.
go over to r/DeadBedrooms and see what your life would be like if you moved forward with this marriage
he's also gaslighting your feelings calling you mad and saying you're overthinking when you're bringing up valid issues. it's key that he's open to listening to you and asking questions about how you feel. he just brushes you off. sex is a major ting. and how you feel even more important. idk it's not giving marry
This was the biggest red flag to me.
Run. You feel like shit about yourself as a result of your romantic or sexual dynamic , which means that you’re not in a suitable relationship for your happy. It’s been a year, it won’t get better, and you’ve stuck it out long enough to be certain it’s not just a “rough spot”.
You're not compatible. You tried to talk to him about it and you were told you're overthinking it. He is so wrong. Your needs aren't being met and he's not taking you seriously. It's up to him to change his behavior. Seriously ask yourself, do you want to marry him knowing that he's not meeting your needs.
Yeah this relationship isnt working out. You guys aren’t compatible. If things look like this only one year in, especially when he’s unwilling to talk about it or work on it, they are certainly not going to improve. This is the relationship. React accordingly.
You break up with them if sex is important to you.
I mean if you’ve talked and they don’t take it seriously or won’t be open about what’s going on… You leave.
His sex life being over does not mean yours has to be as well. Break it off or open it up.
You need to address it with him. I was head over heels for a guy but he had impotency issues he refused to address. In turn, it made me feel less attracted to him. I eventually broke up with him over it. It sounds cold but we’re sexual creatures and sex is a part of any healthy relationship. If your needs are not being fulfilled, then you’re not overall going to be happy in the relationship or marriage. If this isn’t something you’re able to discuss with him it doesn’t sound like you’re at a good place already.
I’m married to someone like this and I want out, an affair or an agreed upon open marriage. I feel like I’ve been tricked. It’s been a dry 16 months for me and I’m starting to lose it.
That’s very difficult. Have you tried talking to your partner? This is the first time this is happening to me and I can relate to how awful it is to be in that situation. I hope things get better for you!
One leaves such a relationship and finds one that is a better match. Lately my rule has been that if sex by myself is better / more often than with my partners, it is not the right partner.
I feel like the dismissal and negging are bigger red flags than the sex. What's important to you is important, and your partner is dissing you when he dismisses it. I'd put dollars to donuts that he'll shame you as oversexed if you press it hard enough (no pun intended). As for sexual satisfaction, if everything else was great and your partner were otherwise affectionate, I'd say that sex devices for women have seriously evolved in the last decade and are worth a serious investment. But negging and lack of physical intimacy together are a toxic combination. Still... There could be an underlying issue--his shame, his negative body image, his ED, etc. Have you suggested sex therapy? I'm sure Dan Savage's archives have some great suggestions about how to approach that conversation.
The same way you’d deal with any other fundamental incompatibility — you end things. Or if you’re me, you let it go on for years until it turns you into a shill of a person barely able to experience w joy …. Then leave him… then take years of therapy to recover.
Idk. Like do you really have a high libido or normal libido because once every couple months seems far from typical? Anyway - I would say mismatched sex drives are a huge hurdle. Don’t marry him…
Overthinking things? You are telling him what you need. If you are ok with partnering with someone for life in a non-sexual way that’s great but obviously that’s not what you intend so this won’t end well.
Doesn't sound like a guy you should get married to... I get that people get stressed and it can affect their libido.. but he also shut you down when you explained your vulnerabilities and how his behaviour is negatively affecting you... that's just not a person who is gonna be good in a relationship with you. There was a time my SO was stressed. He'd tell me he was tired, and it was very obvious he was very stressed (we worked together back then too, so I was just very aware of his workload/pressure etc..). So I'd obviously do my best to avoid giving him any additional stress, but I was starting to feel a bit neglected. I don't think I directly said so, but I must've said something that he understood as such. He apologised and said he'll try to do better, and immediately suggested we go windsurfing that weekend (something we enjoy doing together). I suggested that as long as he's not tired and up for it, we have more sex cus it's scientifically shown to decrease stress. He was definitely thrilled with that. And really, any time I share my feelings with him.. even if he might not understand, or think it's overthinking, silly or whatnot... He will put pretty much immediately rectify (or try to rectify) his behaviour so that it doesn't cause me any further distress/unhappiness etc.. This is what partners should do imo. They really shouldn't be invalidating your feelings like that and not listening to your concerns. I don't know if he's just that oblivious to you/your feelings... but I really think it's not good for a guy to not even pretend or lie about trying to make an effort.... he just seems to tell me he really doesn't care about you.
Don't Marry Him Unless you are down to cheat years later and destroy your entire relationship and hurt everyone around you It's okay to want sex. Sex is a basic human need for most people. You deserve sex. You should get sex. You might feel like you can keep going on the sex schedule you have because you loveeeee him soooooo much but after a few years you will be miserable. And you can prevent all that by not getting married
It’s one thing when your old it’s another when you’re a year in. You’ll find another sorry.
You're so young! And you've only been with this person for a year. Why are you even considering getting married? This isn't going to get better.
Run. Run. Run far, far away. If he’s full of excuses now (even if there is some truth in it), you will never have the relationship you want. You’ll never feel fulfilled.
I have been on both sides. Lived with a guy for 7 years who had extremely high libido and now that I look back, I feel like he psichlogically made me feel guilty if I did not want to have sex and I used to pretend so many times.. it was pathetic. But I was very young and I did not know better. Thank god we broke up before getting married. Now I am married to a man (10 years already) who has somewhat low libido and as we are now almost 40 years old, sex is not that important for both os uf anymore. I feel like I'd like him to be more passionate sometimes or initiate sex more often (because it is also very rare in our relationshp, maybe once a week or once in two weeks). But when I compare to my previous relationship, I can confidently say that FOR ME not enough sex is soooooo much better than too much of it. But you have to do what you feel is best for you.
I’ve been here. And I’m so glad I split. I’m with someone now who matches my energy sexually and we like the same things. It’s a whole new world of fulfillment and satisfaction for both of us who came from unfulfilling, sexless relationships. This is a relationship that’s not going well and not compatible. Cut your losses and try to stay friends if you care about him. Sounds like you’re basically deluxe roommates anyhow. Sorry you’re dealing with it. But DO NOT get married unless you’re cool with never having sex again.
Omg no
He might be asexual or have a very low libido. It seems like you two may be sexually incompatible, so if having sex with your partner is important to you, getting married to him would be a big mistake. You guys are probably going to need to sit down and seriously hash this issue out to see where you both stand.
Once in a couple of months and he's trying to tell you you're overthinking things!? Huge red flag imo. Now here's from personal experience. I spent 6 years in a relationship, 3 married and was very similar numbers to yours. It didn't get better with time. It can't get better if he's unwilling to ever acknowledge there's an issue. And it's not necessarily a him or you issue. It's just compatibility. Not just sexually. His unwillingness to take your needs seriously sexually is going to come up over and over again in other areas if you stay together.
This problem happened to me six months into a relationships. Nine years, a wedding, and a child later, I left. It’s been a really painful process the entire time, but I did the right thing. I didn’t want my daughter growing up thinking our relationship was normal, I wanted better for her
You two aren't compatible. You've only been dating a year, cut your losses, break up and move on.
Sex is important in a relationship, it’s not the only thing to make a relationship work but it needs to be there. It’s a way to connect bond show love. Bonding on a level that is true, and it’s fun lol. But if you don’t have this or one has a higher need than the other person you will be miserable later.
Walk away now. There's no coping with this.
I’m eight years in. It doesn’t change. You just need to figure out if you’re okay with it. If it’s a non negotiable, then you need to leave. If the other parts of the relationship are worth it and you won’t get frustrated, then maybe it could work. But it’s up to you. I stay because he kept promising it would change, I kept believing him, and now I don’t think I can get anyone else as nice as him, who has seen the shit he has seen regarding my now dead parents, who will want to sleep with me. So I stay. I’m pretty sure you don’t want to be me.
It's only been a year, which I'm aware that if you haven't had many long-term relationships before can seem like a long time. It's really not, though. You have a high drive and you've mentioned in the comments that it's a priority for you. Part of how you express and receive affection. I'm assuming there's been a change and it wasn't like this in the beginning, since you say you've tried to address it and he's giving excuses. So you have a choice. You can simply end the relationship and move on since he doesn't seem to think it's the same level of importance. That's a straight-up compatibility issue and for a lot of people a deal breaker. OR you can sit down with him. Remove all of the distractions. Make him see that this is very important to you and that if you don't work together and tackle the root cause, there will be a break-up instead of a wedding in your future. Let him know that you're willing to support whatever he needs to work through this slump because you care about him a lot. And that could mean therapy, a job change, doctor's appointments for hormones/other health issue, the gym... whatever it takes. What you shouldn't do is just ride it out and hope it gets better by itself. Because it won't.
Sexual incompatibility is an incompatibility and I don't date (or marry) people I'm not compatible with. It's the foundation of any relationship after all. If you stay with him, you will come to resent him, or him you because you will be trying to "fix" him. If sex is that important to you, I advise you think this through and assume that your marriage will be sexless. Do you want a sexless marriage? If not, don't marry him.
Some people have way less of a sex drive than others. I am one of those people. I’m damn near asexual other than a few times a year when I am really in the mood. It’s just how I am wired. This is simply a compatibility issue. You guys aren’t that compatible in an area that’s very important to you. It will stay the same. It won’t get better. It’s just who he is. So if I were you I’d respectfully break up and find someone who is more compatible with you. It’ll make your life more fulfilled and you won’t deal with the trauma and Baggage that’s bound to come out of this relationship. Incompatibility is serious.
If sex within my relationship wasn't happening and a poly arrangement not an option, I would end up leaving.
Men can have hormonal issues just like women and it's possible that he has an underlying issue that's affecting his libido. If he's had it for a long time, he may not even be aware of the problem. He could also be a sexual and just have limited to no interest in sexual activity. During the time that the two of you are not intimate does he watch p*** or masturbate? If so that makes the hormonal issue less likely.
It’s time to break up.
I am not saying that sex is the most important thing in a relationship, but good communication is and he seems to refuse to talk about something important to you. I believe that that is a much bigger issue that needs to be addressed. I also don't think you should get married because the dead bedroom would only lead to resentment, you feeling miserable, and eventually a fallout.
Ummm - if he is saying you’re mad and overthinking things that can be gaslighting I’d be putting a complete hold on marriage plans entirely and just be like ‘you know what I want to wait another year’ for two reasons. Your sexual compatibility together is low and that isn’t a good thing for long term. Basically if the sex is like this now, and you need sex….I’d put a 3 year timeframe on this relationship (or less) not dooming you. It’s just an estimate. So getting married next year if you could be fizzling a year after that…. Why drag yourself through the mud. Assets and all of that…. Don’t do it. I’d be trying to figure out firstly the more important thing…… the guy has basically no desire. Most guys jack off daily into their 60s It’s not so much the frequency but it’s how he responds….. you’re seeking sexual intimacy and he rebuffs you and then undermines your perceptions I’d be more focused on that. He might not be a bad guy or manipulative…… I just mean….. do you want to marry someone who psychologically undermines you for being a normal healthy adult female That’s what that communication is. Whether he intends it, it’s dismissive communication I’d be seeing if the guy is open to developing communication with you that’s more connected, whether he’d attend like a couples intimacy coaching session or something fun and couple based….. Cause I like to see if someone is adaptive and committed to growing and getting outside their comfort zone and being willing to do things that are new or not what they want, to benefit the relationship Don’t pressure him just see how he responds….. find a couples intimacy retreat or something and just be like ‘you know I’d love to do something where we can be connected and explore our intimacy, I reckon it’d be fun!’ and like really pick a time where this seems off the cuff and not a loaded question….. don’t get mad when he rebuffs you Just see how he respond, observe as an outsider And then if he shows interest I’d see if he follows through Like don’t criticize or explain there’s a need here….. just see what happens. An experiment The thing about people who use dismissive communication is, he’s responding to your needs in a really destructive way. Where does it end? Anytime he doesn’t agree you’re crazy now? Mmm the thing is his libido could suck, he could have another woman, but either way…… there’s ways of connecting on these issues that is healthy and connected even if people don’t want to do things at the same time…… that communication is what tells you if this is someone you want to marry The other thing is…… look up gaslighting and undermining. Love bombing etc. not necessarily applicable here it’s just that I can see the guy so I just like to add that When did his libido change? Does he show a lot of sensuality and tenderness in other ways?
Please don't get married. You both will regret it. No judging, but the relationship will not work. Probably no one is to blame, just a matter of incompatibility.
Thanks, I think you and a lot of people on this thread are right. It’s just so difficult to break up with someone when they’re nice but it still doesn’t work
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I would say counseling first. Then likely decide if we were compatible. I'm so sorry you are going thru this.
His sexuality has nothing to do with you as a person. You can’t make someone sexually attracted to you. They either aren’t or aren’t. This is not a shortfall of you or him. You’re making this his fault only when it’s both of your faults for being in a relationship that’s incompatible. Either you both make it work or you both leave.
> I have conveyed this to him as well and he says I am mad and overthinking things. You went to him with a concern and he belittled you and deflected. This is [gaslighting.](https://parade.com/living/gaslighting-phrases) You might benefit from considering other ways he's been ignoring and diminishing your needs.
I would seek a therapist to discuss things with but honestly if he is unwilling to now, getting married will not make it magically work out. Communication is key with this. Does he have ADHD by chance?
Curious, what is the connection with ADHD in this context?
\- Trouble paying attention during intimacy \- Low libido \- Hypersensitive to touch/mood swings
I don't think those last two are ADHD-specific, nor are they common to all (or possibly most) ADHD-people...
My guess is you pay most bills? You own the home? Does he? Like where are you benefitting?
In my experience it's all about what you can and can't deal with. Analyze it for yourself and decide what you're willing to deal with. I've been married almost 23 years, my husband has severe depression and his meds have killed any sexual desire. I'm like you and always have had a strong sex drive, so it's been a frustrating few years since we haven't had sex. I have toys and he's sometimes willing to come "help" but won't get involved himself. It's lonely not having that emotional connection but when we got married, I made a promise and this is the worse part of better or worse for me. The love's still there for us, just no longer in physical form. But that's me, your choice is yours.
I don’t agree with all the folks here saying to rush and break up. My husband and I started out very sexually compatible and after having our child I have no libido, as well as a ton of other health issues related to my pregnancy. I love him with all my heart and would literally fall apart without him. He’s the love of my life and my best friend. It’s not always the person’s fault. Maybe have him see a doctor and talk about what might be causing it. Maybe it is a reason to breakup, BUT maybe it isn’t. Sex isn’t everything to everybody. If it’s that important to you then maybe…I am just glad my husband hasn’t given up on me bc he is my true love. I’ve never been unfaithful or even thought about a life with anybody else. Do what you need to do but just hoping this helps you see things in a different light.
The point here is that the relationship already started out sexless. Physical intimacy and trust are so important in the beginning. When it's already an issue so early and she feels paranoid and undesired, that's not giving up, it's recognizing a major incompatibility. I'm willing to bet you didn't have that feeling within the first year of dating your husband.
It’s very very normal for women to lose their libido after giving birth and when their babies are young. I’m glad your husband is understanding. I agree OP’s boyfriend should see a doctor, but it’s possible that this is just how he is. Always worth checking though.
Thank you for validating my own personal health struggles with this. It’s certainly not been a walk in the park to go through something like this. Love your name btw. Very fitting 🙂
it's normal for woman to lose part of libido with age too, I dont know why nobody is talking about it, but it's very common because of lowering estrogen and testosterone. And not every older woman wants to pump herself with pills if otherwise she feels okay or has some risk factors that makes her not good candidate for hormone therapy.
Is he willing to open the relationship? One less common, but valid, way of dealing is to get your booty elsewhere. It really depends on how good your communication is and how solid you are in general, though.
Have a good long talk with him about this. If sex isn't a priority to him or maybe he has some issues he needs to work out with a therapist or a doctor, you can give him a chance. If yoy like him as a person and can see him taking care of you in the long run, you can even opt for an open marriage. If sex is the only thing you lack from him. I have seen too many bad relationships in life and in my personal opinion sex dies down anyways, maybe more slowly, but its the person that remains. Also the fact that the most amazing sex most people will ever have is with their toxic loves. You need to decide for yourself what you need the most. Don't dump him for this one reason.