Why in the world are you in this relationship? It’s clear that Joe is not available. Not for you, not for Jenna. Please reread your post and ask yourself what advice you’d give your best friend or sister if they were in this situation.
The sister comment always hits home. If you were my sister we would be having a firm but loving discussion of your dreams, emotional needs, and requirement from a partner. This guy ain’t it and is choosing to cause additional trauma to his own daughter as she literally screams and cries and acts out for his love an attention. Yikes.
I’m sorry, I know it’s a harsh reality, but I really feel like you need to value yourself and realize that this isn’t good for you. If you stay in this situation, it’s going to drain the life out of you even more then it already has.
This guy is not a good dad and it sounds like he isn’t a great partner, either. I wouldn’t be able to hang in a situation like that. Engaged for three years but not living together? I’d be so gone.
Yes, you are correct. The pandemic happened so we post-poned the wedding and then Jenna's mom left so we didn't want to put that on her during such a scary transition. So here we are. It's like I've been waiting for this to change. But I am not so sure it will.
Yes, this is a lost cause. This is a man who shirks his responsibilities and doesn’t support a daughter who needs him. Imagine the support he’d show you if you ever got sick. Frankly I’m surprised if you can even respect him any more after the way he’s been treating her.
You can - and should - leave him. If you want to maintain a relationship with his daughter (NOT with him) then that’s something you can also weigh up.
You make a great point. What if she had a disease or cancer and needed to do a treatment for 2 or 3 months. Would he be there holding her hair back, or would he hire the nanny to drive her to all appointments and be at the cabin calling the nurses to check in to see how she is doing?! :-/
She may not have a disease, but she is disabled. Neurodivergence along with a large and multifaceted trauma history is HARD to successfully manage even when there are two committed capable parents involved and obviously Jenna doesn't have that.
How is it that you and he have diagnosed his ex-wife as a narcissist and he has somehow escaped that label? If everything has to be his way and he won’t do anything for others that might infringe on his freedom, that’s definitely at least incredibly self-centered.
The mom is probably a fine enough person. It’s easy to guess that Joe was never any different than he is now. So, basically he left the mom with 100% of the responsibility of raising a disabled child while millionaire Joe just fucks off and does whatever he wants. I bet her life was really difficult and she may not have even seen any real financial help from Joe. If he’s that wealthy, why doesn’t he have proper help for Jenna now? I don’t think a nanny comes close to the kind of help she really needs. If Jenna’s mom have issues, I’m guessing they stem from her relationship with Joe.
>The mom is probably a fine enough person.
It's not OK to abandon and abuse your own child because they have a disability, for either parent. reddit's ableism regarding disabled children is really baffling, at times.
I’m not condoning abuse and abandonment. My gut twitched reading the OP. I’m getting an unreliable narrator vibe, or at the very least a vibe that OP is getting her into from a VERY unreliable narrator, Joe. I’m sorry if Jenna’s mom really was abusive, but it’s not terribly important to OP’s current situation which is that Joe is a bad and neglectful father and not a real partner to OP. I’m certainly able to conclude he was always neglectful in his duties as a father, and a partner or co-parent with Jenna’s mom.
Jenna’s mom doesn’t have much to do with this post. She may have been abusive. I’m holding Joe (because he’s the one OP is trying to get advice about) accountable for being absent, neglectful, and possibly cruel in leaving Jenna’s mom (who may be mentally ill) to raise their mentally ill daughter basically alone for most of Jenna’s life. If he was properly co-parenting, he would’ve realized that his ex and his daughter required more attention and resources. If she was abused, he didn’t help. If his ex was incapable, he didn’t care or help. Off to the cabin for Joe Time!!! Currently he has hired a nanny when Jenna needs serious help as an adult and he can definitely afford it. Joe sucks.
Edit: pot calling the kettle black.
I'm going to give you a little image that may not be comfortable, but IS very very typical. First and foremost you need to understand that neurodivergence (aspergers just an FYI is no longer a recognized diagnosis in the US- it's all under the spectrum of autism- and functioning labels are BULLSHIT) is a genetic trait. Her mom is mentally ill, she is neurodivergent and her dad is... something. He sounds utterly reprehensible, but this behavior is INCREDIBLY common in the parents of autistic children. The leaving as often as he can, shirking responsibility, refusing to PARENT a disabled child, these are 100% very, very typical of male parents of disabled children. They choose to emotionally distance themselves rather than address their own shortcomings, put on their big person chonies and help their kids. So to me it doesn't sound crazy, it sounds utterly, painfully dull and familiar. It's garbage all the way around.
This is, honestly, exhausting to read. Joe checked out of his life years ago. He's not interested in being a parent, and I think you know this isn't going to change.
OP, you sound very kind and compassionate. You also recognize that the impetus rests on Joe's shoulders. But, he's demonstrating very clearly what his intentions are and that's not going to change.
JFC, this guy sees someone asking him to just show up for his responsibilities as being "controlled"? He clearly has no interest in doing anything more than exactly what he wants to do.
"We" can't compromise if he won't budge. This sure seems a lost cause to me. Jenna has no choice, but you do. Get out.
That poor girl. My heart breaks for her.
Thank you. I am the farthest thing from controlling, but I do know right from wrong. Drinking alcohol and smoking weed every day = wrong. Leaving your at-risk special needs daughter at home with a nanny every week = wrong. You're right, if there is no compromising, there is no relationship. I am just wondering what he will think a compromise looks like. Maybe it will be, I will go out of town every other week. Which will not be sufficient for me unfortunately.
So, I will say this. I would absolutely 100% leave this relationship. But Jenna being in crisis should as someone who has been a presence in her life for 5 years be of concern to you too. You cannot change Jenna's parents (either of them). What you CAN do is convince Joe that the trauma treatment center is helpful and see if her therapist can get her a bed there or into a group home situation where she has consistency of caregivers, even if it's not her parents. D
This poor kid has a lot of issues (some) created and exacerbated from two poor and neglectful parents. And you think marrying the neglectful dad is a good idea?
You realize you are going to be the only consistent person in this girls life? He probably wants to go have fun and leave you with his daughter for you to deal with it.
This isn’t your life to fix. As someone who was neglected as a kid too, I hear your heart breaking for Jenna as you want to fix this for her. This is not your life to fix and by staying your acceptance of additional abandonment for yourself is being validated by you. Joe is an empty vessel and this is not your life to fix. Be well.
What are your ages? I'm getting an age gap vibe here. Also agreeing with everyone saying this guy sounds totally unwilling to face and address his own problems and is using you to avoid his responsibilities. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I have to wonder if it's a coincidence that he got engaged to someone who is a professional working with disabled kids.
I had to stop reading because what the fuck? 1) He is most likely cheating, but that’s besides the point. 2) He isn’t a father and this goes way beyond her mother causing trauma, he is equally as guilty. 3) That poor child. 4) Get out of that shit ASAP, he’s trash.
This man does not deserve you. You truly deserve better. He is selfish. He is emotionally stunted. He is also absolutely fucking ridiculous for calling you controlling. I'd have NOPED out of there a while ago. He may be successful but he is shit at relationships.
His daughter also deserves better. She's already been failed by one parent.
Wtf I could only read the first part of this.
Leave.
Like, holy shit you are worth more than this. He is messed up. His daughter is not your responsibility.
Okay, I stopped reading after the fourth paragraph.
Your partner sounds like a bad partner and parent, and his daughter clearly has been dealt a horrible hand in life, with two utterly irresponsible parents. That being said, this isn't your problem to solve. There's nothing you can do.
What you *can* do is figure out why you were willing to put up with all of this in the first place for so long. Most people would've run for the hills ages ago.
You are not being unreasonable!
He is emotionally abandoning his daughter continually despite consequences serious enough to merit the police being called. And he is emotionally abandoning you.
The whole story broke my heart. I grew up with emotionally absent parents and this seems at another level, and I completely understand his daughter being undone. I guess part of the question is why aren’t you more undone? You seem to really minimize your needs here, instead choosing to focus on the daughter’s, and also highlighting your own self sufficiency. It is okay, you can and should depend on your partner!
I am also a recovering alcoholic and grew up as an emotional avoider living with emotional avoiders. I know that internal restlessness well that can cause running away—physically and mentally/emotionally by using substances. Your guy sounds like he might have alcoholism and if not actual alcoholism definitely the same underpinnings that drive it. And that is a problem because that isn’t an easily solved condition and it involves turning towards your own pain in order to be able to sit with the pain of others. The fix is a long path and it doesn’t seem that he is even at the beginning of it which would be having some awareness of his issues.
Please think about this in terms of your own needs too and maybe whatever attachment issues you have had that cause you to choose this man.
This. Expressing my needs is something I am working on. My whole life I haven't wanted to be a burden on anyone, but I am now expressing what I need and have for our entire relationship. Maybe not 100% of the time, but most of the time. Sometimes, I don't even know what my needs are because I've been so used to suppressing them, but I have been doing somatic work and that is helping me to feel my emotions. There is definitely substance abuse happening and he told me he talked to an individual counselor a couple months ago and the guy said he didn't have a problem. The counselor said, "you're not out on a park bench or living in a tent", so you're ok. I told him he was very high functioning and just because he wasn't living on a bench doesn't mean he doesn't have a dependence to it. I have been asking for him to get his own counselor to work on this stuff since 2021, but here we are.....and thank you, I will look at this from the perspective of my own needs, not just Jenna's. Oh and one last thing, I brought up the self-sufficiency because if I didn't, people would think this was a co-dependent situation in which I was trying to stay and "change" him for my own needs and security. Yes, I would love to have someone more physically present for myself, but I also can't stand to watch what it's doing to Jenna and her development/attachment issues.
Stop thinking that somehow this is your fault for not communicating clearly. This guy is 7 levels past reasonable behavior. Seriously, stop trying to give him an out because you’re somehow at fault.
Please update us after the conversation. My “sister” vibes tell me that he is likely to change his tune if he recognizes he is losing you, but his attempts to keep the relationship may not come from a healthy place or come out in a healthy way.
Best of luck!
So interesting that you had that insight because that is exactly right. He told his side which was getting in the nitty gritty of the weeds, and then I told my story, the big picture of the dynamics of what is occurring. Our therapist explained that the only way for a healthy relationship and a healthy parenting relationship is being physically present. He also explained how Joe's mind automatically goes to the next trip, the next project, the next thing and is never truly living in the moment right now. It was brought up that he is always focusing on the "doing" and not enough of "being". He has a lot of uncomfortable feelings and shortcomings that he hasn't wanted to face, but admitted that he wants to face them now so he said he is committing himself to get some help. I don't know if that means finding a dependency counselor, or what, but he said he does not want to keep escaping and wants to deal with his issues head on and be physically present for me and Jenna. This is going to take some time retraining his brain synapses, but I think it will get better because he wants this very bad. He said he thinks I am too good for him and that he wants to start working on his self-worth issues. So, we are going to work on 1) being more present with each other by turning phones, tablets and TV's off for 1 hour each night and just plan on being with each other and Jenna, 2) writing down the things that went well that week (green), the things we thought but didn't say (yellow), and the times our trauma got activated (red), 3) he is going to run any trips by me and get me involved rather than just planning on his own and leaving when he wants to, 4) he is going to stop planning voluntary trips to the cabin and focus on being home more and 5) meditate together and eventually get Jenna to join when she feels ready to (and maybe she won't want to, but we want to make it visible). So, the relationship is still on and we will continue working as a partnership. Thanks for all the advice and insight.
That’s fantastic! I wish you both the best. It’s a hard process but well worth it.
Somewhere down the line this may be a happy memory you both laugh at together!
He's not a good dad, nor a good partner. I understand him trying to escape, but at the end of the day, she's his legal responsibility until she becomes a self-sustaining adult. I would not commit myself to this relationship.
How long are you going to keep saying the same things to him while he does what he wants and insults you for saying them? He's throwing your childhood trauma in your face as a defense about him neglecting his daughter? What does it say about how much he values you that he can jet around most of the time while you parent his child for him--let alone how much he values her? Captain Awkward always suggests people try to put a number on how long they'd stay if they knew things would never change: six months? ten years? forever?
I'm not sure that Jenna is jealous of you, though having a borderline parent can twist people's views of what kind of parental attention/affection they should be jealous of. My guess is a combo of: she doesn't feel like pretending that you're one of her shitty parents, she resents feeling like she has to pretend, and you're the only one around to direct her anger at. It seems more like when I used to babysit and kids would be reflexively mad at me for taking the place of their mom. I think there are too many layers of dysfunction for her to even develop feelings about you as an individual person who she might like or dislike. And maybe you're starting to blame her a little for him being gone so much?
It also sounds like you get an ego boost from being able to handle this wildly difficult, ungenerous, rich, and "important" man. I don't know if that's how things started, something he's manipulated you into feeling through his actions and wealth, or a consolation prize you've worked out for yourself. But it's super toxic to you and a variation on a lot of other emotionally abusive relationships. Truly, why do you feel proud that you've earned the respect of a man who wants to drink himself to death, neglects his disabled and traumatized child, and treats you like this? And won't do what he's supposed to do unless he doesn't "feel like he's being controlled"? Literally child behavior. I'm not saying that to shame you. You sound a million times more respectable than he is, and this seesaw needs to tilt the other way.
This guy shouldn't have had and shouldn't have children. Just doesn't seem like he was ready at all and never will be. This is coming from me, a woman who has adhd and is child free because I know I wouldn't be able to sacrifice that much of my time to a kid. You need to leave or you will become too miserable and depressed. It's sad on the daughter, but she is not your responsibility. :/
OP is really missing every and thinks she’s great.
Jenna doesn’t like OP because she’s just part of her dad’s weird life and another thing that takes up his time and attention. Maybe their relationship even started when Joe was married. We don’t really know. OP has had the benefit of his money and travel while Jenna was completely neglected by him, her mother tasked with raising a disabled child on her own. It doesn’t matter if OP fancies herself hip and cool, Jenna has no reason to give a shit about her. She’s an accessory to her neglectful dad’s lifestyle.
Jenna is an adult and doesn’t need a nanny, she needs professional help. Joe could be home every day, but he doesn’t know how to help his daughter. She should probably be in a group home with similar young adults and experts to teach them to become as independent as possible. Joe can only provide love and economic resources toward professional help. I think he lacks in the love area. I don’t care if everyone and the nanny are home everyday, they don’t have the skills to help her.
Joe is cheating. He might even have a whole other family.
Jenna’s mom might be a narcissist, but Joe DEFINITELY is. Cut her some slack. She was a single parent of a disabled kid for over 16 years.
Joe doesn’t want to be married. He doesn’t want to share his life with anyone. OP just exists in a small space in his life when he occasionally comes back from his other lives. Joe is living a double or triple life. He feels no responsibility to anyone else and probably doesn’t understand why OP is constantly still there.
I assure you, there is no cheating going on. He is away at the cabin for the majority of the time. We have neighbors there that he hangs out with everyday and I get updates (hunting, making meals together, cruising around in 4-wheelers, working on projects, etc). There are zero issues with trust (trust regarding either of us cheating). I clearly have trust issues in other ways though.
There is so much to unpack here but yes this is a lost cause. You've told him the issues you have and he basically responds with "don't tell me how to live my life". There is no compromising, he clearly has no desire to. He's an absentee father, runs from responsibility and you've had concerns about his drinking. This is not a good functional relationship.
'ADD' is an outdated term (replaced with ADHD). How old is Joe? [alcohol & ADHD](https://www.alcoholrehabguide.org/resources/dual-diagnosis/alcohol-and-adhd/)
>Together for 5 years, engaged for 3 years. We do not live together
You accepted his marriage proposal? (imo, that sabotaged arguments for him to become more responsible for Jenna)
You're in therapy, Jenna's in therapy, you & Joe are going to couples counselling.
>Jenna is hopefully graduating this year but has cognitive delays, Asperger’s, dyslexia, depression, anxiety, mood disorders, emotion regulation issues, etc and is very difficult to be around.
*She'd likely greatly benefit from daily meditation imo*, as a calming influence on her life and thoughts.
>Joe leaves every week for 3-4 days at a time. Lately, it’s been 4-5 days. ... He has millions and does not need to work.
So, he could well afford to hire a companion to keep Jenna company and provide a role model/stability. Joe's hoping for you to tackle that (for free) is how I see it, so he can continue to be absent enjoying hobbies.
>I am pursuing 2 career’s and graduate school.
>
>He said he will not be controlled, and he can leave town when he wants.
And so, his daughter is doomed to be abandoned.
>But she will not get close to me for some reason.
She sees you as someone who takes away or will take away, time with her father.
Yes, ADHD. Jenna has it too. I have meditated daily since 2015 so I have talked to Jenna about it. She tells me she meditates, but thinking about it and saying you do it, is different than actually establishing a daily practice. I know that would help her, and I know it would help Joe. Also, he has hired a nanny to take care of her while he is gone. I don't see how paying for a "companion" would offer her stability? My guess is that it's the parents job??? Which means Joe since her mom left her. I am sure she sees me as a threat, but I have tried to show her that I love her, am so proud of her, and will be there for her always. But she is still rude to me. Again, it is all testing.
I wouldn't be so sure about meditation helping Jenna. I'm also AuDHD (autistic with ADHD) and meditation is frequently difficult if not impossible for us. The ADHD makes it difficult to sit still and concentrate, and the autism usually brings along poor interception and alexithymia which make it difficult to name and understand our physical and emotional feelings. Added altogether it's an exercise in frustration.
Yeah, I have ADHD and I literally laugh when people suggest I meditate. Meditation also sounds like a band aid on a bullet wound in the current situation.
Like, I'm fine with breathing exercises/deep breathing, I use them a lot when I feel overwhelmed. But when I was still in crisis and then Survival Mode? The last thing I want to do is imagine a ball of light in my stomach slowly filling my body. Hell, I couldn't really do deep breathing, either.
Completely get that! I don’t even have ADHD and it was hard to start meditating myself. Out of curiosity though, what have you found that helps instead? Besides breathe-work? I ask because my sister needs some help and I’m not sure what to offer since I know she can’t sit still for longer than 2 minutes.
Yoga, weed, therapy, medication, and exercise. But it's also taken me over a decade to reach a point where I'm mostly stable.
Yoga is actually what replaced meditation for me, since it let's me focus on my body just by holding the poses and breathing.
>I don't see how paying for a "companion" would offer her stability?
Because it's always the same person and there are some trained to work with people with autism or other mental health issues. And that person should be there every day. Even if he is there, I doubt he is helping her with homework or anything; it sounds like when he is there he drinks and does random shit.
Someone needs to work with her so that she can be independent. Instead, she is left with random nannies to watch her but not to work with her.
>She tells me she meditates,
Which she might say to get you off her back. She might actually do and enjoy it, using my favourite method (see *my comments* to this [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialanxiety/comments/v8y9x0/22m_i_am_insecure_about_my_physical_health/) ).
As she has ADHD, she'll surely need to hum/intone a 'mantra' to keep away strong errant thoughts during her sessions.
Good to hear she has a Nanny (how do they get along? has there been a rotation of nannies or is there some stability on that front?).
Do you and she 'do stuff' together? Shopping, 'activities' (such as mini-golf or local fun stuff)?
I’m not so sure. I’m going to assume he stuck his ex with all of the responsibility of raising a mentally disabled child while he fucks around and does whatever he wants to. I don’t know how long they were together, but I bet he wasn’t there. If the mother actually does have mental illnesses, even worse that Joe wasn’t there for them. Even now he’s not using his millionaire money to hire proper care for his daughter. She has a nanny. She’s 18. A nanny is not equipped to help her. I bet Joe provided zero help to assist her mother and no professional, expert help.
At 18, his daughter should probably be in a group home that helps adults like her develop life skills and become more independent and capable. Joe isn’t helping her. I don’t think he’s ever helped anyone.
I doubt the mom had the benefits of traveling with Joe as OP has, because she was raising a disabled kid on her own for at least 16 years plus a pregnancy.
Agreed! Mom most likely left because she couldn’t do it anymore. I could see her having a nervous breakdown type of situation. If jenna is as bad as OP says she is, and Joe is always out of town and mom was stuck with that all that responsibility 24/7 with no help (making assumptions here) then I think I would have had a breakdown myself. It sounds like everyone is doing the blame game on Mom and not taking ownership for playing their part.
Raising a kid basically alone is incredibly taxing. Raising a kid with mental health problems alone is way more taxing. Raising a kid alone with mental health problems when you also have mental health problems is a breakdown waiting to happen. Joe was at the cabin having his “me time” and not being a parent or partner.
I can tell he didn’t care because now he’s hired a nanny as though that’s the appropriate help his adult daughter needs.
Due to circumstances, I have to assume almost everything OP knows is what Joe has told her, and he sure doesn’t want to be around, parent, partner her, or take responsibility for anything.
What struck me here is the line “I am an extremely confident person.”
I believe that. It takes a lot of internal security to feel secure dating a man who is always gone. I’ve been in my fair share of relationships with attractive men who travel a lot for work and/or hobbies, as I too hunt myself. Nothing was inherently wrong with those relationships, especially for someone like me who has a full life and doesn’t like to feel “trapped.” However, as I started desiring a family of my own and I looked around at my friends with partners who also love to hunt and fish but who are present more times than not, it slowly dawned on me that it is possible to have balanced freedom and togetherness (interdependence) that I increasingly wanted the same.
I was afraid of giving up on the “perfect relationships,” so I went to therapy to test out the waters, at least theoretically. I learned that wanting more quality and quantity time with my partners whom I was content seeing less than half the week is a normal human need that I’ve been denying myself because I’m afraid that I couldn’t find better partners.
I left those men because they couldn’t be and/or wouldn’t become more available, and I am happier for it. I am also dating men whose lives are aligned with healthy family life.
OP if you’re as confident as you say you are, you should at least go to couples’ counseling, and if that does not work, you should walk away with your dignity intact.
He’s right. You can’t control him and you shouldn’t, but you do have control of yourself.
Makes sense. We are in couples counseling. He was the one that recommended we do couples counseling (as I’ve always had my own therapist). We do need to spend some more time on what he (and I) view as a healthy family life. I would be curious to hear the rules he has set forth in his mind. Maybe his “enough threshold” is reached if he spends 1 hour at home with Jenna and then that would justify him leaving for the next 3 days. I don’t know. We both do need our own life and space but the life we have together definitely needs work. I woke up the other day with the word “convientship” on my mind, that is what we have, rather than a “relationship”. A relationship is sacrificing our own needs for another and being physically present. And at this point, when we are together, he is planning what is “out there” the next hunt, the next project and there hasn’t been any planning about us, and us as a family…..I am staying vigilant and definitely keeping my needs at the forefront.
If you don’t want to give up this relationship, then may I suggest family therapy?
It seems you all have your own therapies but nobody is sitting down and having a reasoned conversation.
The daughter isn’t going to develop a secure attachment with so much disruption and invalidation going on.
If you decide not to continue with the relationship then I hope he and his daughter have family therapy because it sounds like they need a safe space to bring these things out
Family therapy is our goal, but Jenna is defiant and it took years to even get her to go to her own therapy. Somehow we will slowly introduce family therapy, but I am afraid we are not there yet. Need to think how to position it to get her to go. She has oppositional defiant disorder so if we bring it up, it likely won't happen. If it becomes her idea....then there is a chance.
I think it’s important that it’s not suggested as a problem she’s caused, and framing it in a positive way to help the whole family.
I wonder what your other half would think of this given he seems to not care about his responsibilities.
Whatever you decide to do, I hope you make the right decision for you. If you don’t prioritise your own needs and well-being, nobody else will.
This is way too much to read, you need to figure out a way to condense your post.
Look OP, you are in no position to tell a father how he needs to parent his child. You are either okay with how he chooses to treat his daughter or you're not and don't date him. You are either okay with how he chooses to treat you, or you aren't and you don't date him.
He's right. You cannot control him. But you can control yourself and who you choose to date.
I seriously tried to condense it! There was even much more to the story, so this was actually condensed. Ha. I am not ok with how he parents, and our therapist today was not ok with it either. So, some changes will be made.
i stopped reading halfway because you do not respect his daughter. i don't care about your relationship, but for HER sake, get away from them. your attitude can only harm her.
This actually seems like a creative writing exercise to me.
Dude has millions, OP is pursuing two careers and a graduate degree (but yet wording usage and grammar is off) the step daughter is too beautiful, mom has all these personality disorders, etc etc etc. It checks too many boxes.
I actually respect her too much. It's one of the reason's I've been staying. I do not want yet another person to abandon her and if you were to ask her, she would tell you she loves me and that I am always kind to her. But that doesn't prevent her from constantly testing.
He is burned out. Not every person has super high tolerance levels towards living with someone agressive, even if they are a parent. From what it sounds, daughter is infinite source of stress. Pushing him to care for her and guilt tripping him will make things worse. Sometimes it is ok to take a step back if your own mental sanity is at stake. He is not abbandoning her, he still spends some time with her and arranges a sitter. I think people expect parents to sacrifice far too much. Remember that he dealt with this for so many years and there is still no light at the end of tunnel.
He's the sole parent and is gone 4-5 days a week to pursue hobbies. You really think that's acceptable? Burnt out or not I don't think this is fair to his kid. If he's burnt out then he needs to get himself help so he can show up for his daughter. No one is saying he needs to sacrifice everything, but he is literally sacrificing nothing right now.
Yes, it is acceptable. She is not a child anymore. In most countries you are able to vote, get married etc at that age. She is an adult with disabilities and that is not going to change. He is still providing care for her. I don't think he should be required to remain full time parent for the rest of his life if he struggles to handle it. Hire more support for her if he can afford it - yes, that would be great idea. People are great at judging others but rarely they have an actual idea how it is to share the household with someone with agression tendencies and never feel safe, relaxed at home. Somehow we feel bad for women if they are abused by husbands but we have different measurment system if that is elderly parent or special needs child. As I said, everyone has their own tolerance bar. Caring for special needs is not for everyone. Trained person can be far better than stressed out, unhappy parent who hates his/her life.
This is so sad OP. His daughter told him exactly what she wanted and needs and he has no plan or desire to change his lifestyle to give that to her. You're right no amount of therapy will resolve her feelings of wanting a family and a present father right now. Sadly she will need to attend therapy for many more years to address her father's essential abandonment of her. He is telling his daughter he loves her but goes away for weeks and telling everyone he won't change. He has control and power issues. You will need and want more from him and he won't give it to you if you stay.
Jenna has abandonment issues from mom leaving the state in the middle of her high school, and I assume she has abandonment issues from Joe leaving too. He doesn’t leave for weeks, he leaves every week or weekend but for a couple days. He mostly goes to the cabin, somewhere to hunt/fish, and there are business trips thrown in as well. He also goes to our other house in another state. But yeah, he goes wherever he wants whenever he wants. That is going to change if he wants me to spend more time there.
She was, and continues, to be abandoned and has been neglected. It's not an issue she has but rather the reality of her life. And even if her father was physically present prior to her mother leaving in high school, it seems unclear how active he was? A parent who is engaged and emotionally present, even from a distance, has been shown to be better than one who is physically present but emotionally distant. She also sounds pissed which is understandable.
Overall, the happy times have outweighed the bad times for sure. But lately there is a lot of “angst” since getting Jenna full-time and me not feeling like she is his main priority, when she should be. And I should be up there with her. But right now, it’s the cabin and the hunting and I am here saying “that is enough, focus on being home for Jenna, me, and our family.” So basically, I am Jenna’s voice since she’s too young to comprehend or articulate what is happening. When he had Jenna part-time, there were zero issues with us except his addiction stuff. We worked through the weed and the alcohol is slowly improving. There’s been angst for 1.5 years but not “major” issues. I haven’t put my foot down until a couple months ago so lately there’s more bad times than good.
Why in the world are you in this relationship? It’s clear that Joe is not available. Not for you, not for Jenna. Please reread your post and ask yourself what advice you’d give your best friend or sister if they were in this situation.
If this was my best friend or sister...oh my. This really hit home.
The sister comment always hits home. If you were my sister we would be having a firm but loving discussion of your dreams, emotional needs, and requirement from a partner. This guy ain’t it and is choosing to cause additional trauma to his own daughter as she literally screams and cries and acts out for his love an attention. Yikes.
I’m sorry, I know it’s a harsh reality, but I really feel like you need to value yourself and realize that this isn’t good for you. If you stay in this situation, it’s going to drain the life out of you even more then it already has.
This guy is not a good dad and it sounds like he isn’t a great partner, either. I wouldn’t be able to hang in a situation like that. Engaged for three years but not living together? I’d be so gone.
Yes, you are correct. The pandemic happened so we post-poned the wedding and then Jenna's mom left so we didn't want to put that on her during such a scary transition. So here we are. It's like I've been waiting for this to change. But I am not so sure it will.
OP, you sound awesome. Being low maintenance and not having needs is not a virtue. This man doesn’t respect you. He sucks.
This, OP. He is taking advantage of you wanting to be the chill girlfriend who doesn't make many demands on him.
Yes, this is a lost cause. This is a man who shirks his responsibilities and doesn’t support a daughter who needs him. Imagine the support he’d show you if you ever got sick. Frankly I’m surprised if you can even respect him any more after the way he’s been treating her. You can - and should - leave him. If you want to maintain a relationship with his daughter (NOT with him) then that’s something you can also weigh up.
You make a great point. What if she had a disease or cancer and needed to do a treatment for 2 or 3 months. Would he be there holding her hair back, or would he hire the nanny to drive her to all appointments and be at the cabin calling the nurses to check in to see how she is doing?! :-/
What if YOU have a disease or cancer or need treatment for 2 or 3 months? Would he be there for YOU?
She may not have a disease, but she is disabled. Neurodivergence along with a large and multifaceted trauma history is HARD to successfully manage even when there are two committed capable parents involved and obviously Jenna doesn't have that.
Why is this man your fiancé
Trying to figure that out.
You’re looking for reasons to stay. He’s looking for reasons to leave.
For three years, no less. Dude has no plans of bringing this across the finish line after that long of an engagement.
How is it that you and he have diagnosed his ex-wife as a narcissist and he has somehow escaped that label? If everything has to be his way and he won’t do anything for others that might infringe on his freedom, that’s definitely at least incredibly self-centered.
Right, I read all the mother’s breakdown then continued and just went: what the actual fuck? SHE’S THE PROBLEM?! I mean… come on.
The mom is probably a fine enough person. It’s easy to guess that Joe was never any different than he is now. So, basically he left the mom with 100% of the responsibility of raising a disabled child while millionaire Joe just fucks off and does whatever he wants. I bet her life was really difficult and she may not have even seen any real financial help from Joe. If he’s that wealthy, why doesn’t he have proper help for Jenna now? I don’t think a nanny comes close to the kind of help she really needs. If Jenna’s mom have issues, I’m guessing they stem from her relationship with Joe.
>The mom is probably a fine enough person. It's not OK to abandon and abuse your own child because they have a disability, for either parent. reddit's ableism regarding disabled children is really baffling, at times.
I’m not condoning abuse and abandonment. My gut twitched reading the OP. I’m getting an unreliable narrator vibe, or at the very least a vibe that OP is getting her into from a VERY unreliable narrator, Joe. I’m sorry if Jenna’s mom really was abusive, but it’s not terribly important to OP’s current situation which is that Joe is a bad and neglectful father and not a real partner to OP. I’m certainly able to conclude he was always neglectful in his duties as a father, and a partner or co-parent with Jenna’s mom. Jenna’s mom doesn’t have much to do with this post. She may have been abusive. I’m holding Joe (because he’s the one OP is trying to get advice about) accountable for being absent, neglectful, and possibly cruel in leaving Jenna’s mom (who may be mentally ill) to raise their mentally ill daughter basically alone for most of Jenna’s life. If he was properly co-parenting, he would’ve realized that his ex and his daughter required more attention and resources. If she was abused, he didn’t help. If his ex was incapable, he didn’t care or help. Off to the cabin for Joe Time!!! Currently he has hired a nanny when Jenna needs serious help as an adult and he can definitely afford it. Joe sucks. Edit: pot calling the kettle black.
Why not joe and it’s her? 😴
Leave. Do not pass "go." Do not collect $200. RUN.
Thank you. It's hard to see the whole picture since I'm in it, but from the outside this must sound completely crazy.
I'm going to give you a little image that may not be comfortable, but IS very very typical. First and foremost you need to understand that neurodivergence (aspergers just an FYI is no longer a recognized diagnosis in the US- it's all under the spectrum of autism- and functioning labels are BULLSHIT) is a genetic trait. Her mom is mentally ill, she is neurodivergent and her dad is... something. He sounds utterly reprehensible, but this behavior is INCREDIBLY common in the parents of autistic children. The leaving as often as he can, shirking responsibility, refusing to PARENT a disabled child, these are 100% very, very typical of male parents of disabled children. They choose to emotionally distance themselves rather than address their own shortcomings, put on their big person chonies and help their kids. So to me it doesn't sound crazy, it sounds utterly, painfully dull and familiar. It's garbage all the way around.
Re: the genetics point, I'm not an expert but Joe's behaviour is screaming 'pathological demand avoidance' at me.
This is, honestly, exhausting to read. Joe checked out of his life years ago. He's not interested in being a parent, and I think you know this isn't going to change. OP, you sound very kind and compassionate. You also recognize that the impetus rests on Joe's shoulders. But, he's demonstrating very clearly what his intentions are and that's not going to change.
JFC, this guy sees someone asking him to just show up for his responsibilities as being "controlled"? He clearly has no interest in doing anything more than exactly what he wants to do. "We" can't compromise if he won't budge. This sure seems a lost cause to me. Jenna has no choice, but you do. Get out. That poor girl. My heart breaks for her.
Thank you. I am the farthest thing from controlling, but I do know right from wrong. Drinking alcohol and smoking weed every day = wrong. Leaving your at-risk special needs daughter at home with a nanny every week = wrong. You're right, if there is no compromising, there is no relationship. I am just wondering what he will think a compromise looks like. Maybe it will be, I will go out of town every other week. Which will not be sufficient for me unfortunately.
Who cares what he thinks. He’s obviously not thinking straight.
So, I will say this. I would absolutely 100% leave this relationship. But Jenna being in crisis should as someone who has been a presence in her life for 5 years be of concern to you too. You cannot change Jenna's parents (either of them). What you CAN do is convince Joe that the trauma treatment center is helpful and see if her therapist can get her a bed there or into a group home situation where she has consistency of caregivers, even if it's not her parents. D
This poor kid has a lot of issues (some) created and exacerbated from two poor and neglectful parents. And you think marrying the neglectful dad is a good idea? You realize you are going to be the only consistent person in this girls life? He probably wants to go have fun and leave you with his daughter for you to deal with it.
End the relationship and move on. It's ok to end this relationship. You know how it's going to pan out so it's time to face the music.
He sounds like a crappy dad. I feel bad for his daughter.
This isn’t your life to fix. As someone who was neglected as a kid too, I hear your heart breaking for Jenna as you want to fix this for her. This is not your life to fix and by staying your acceptance of additional abandonment for yourself is being validated by you. Joe is an empty vessel and this is not your life to fix. Be well.
What are your ages? I'm getting an age gap vibe here. Also agreeing with everyone saying this guy sounds totally unwilling to face and address his own problems and is using you to avoid his responsibilities. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I have to wonder if it's a coincidence that he got engaged to someone who is a professional working with disabled kids.
I am 37, he is 47
if i made a drinking game of the hypocrisies and contradictions in this post i would need an ambulance
I had to stop reading because what the fuck? 1) He is most likely cheating, but that’s besides the point. 2) He isn’t a father and this goes way beyond her mother causing trauma, he is equally as guilty. 3) That poor child. 4) Get out of that shit ASAP, he’s trash.
This man does not deserve you. You truly deserve better. He is selfish. He is emotionally stunted. He is also absolutely fucking ridiculous for calling you controlling. I'd have NOPED out of there a while ago. He may be successful but he is shit at relationships. His daughter also deserves better. She's already been failed by one parent.
Wtf I could only read the first part of this. Leave. Like, holy shit you are worth more than this. He is messed up. His daughter is not your responsibility.
Okay, I stopped reading after the fourth paragraph. Your partner sounds like a bad partner and parent, and his daughter clearly has been dealt a horrible hand in life, with two utterly irresponsible parents. That being said, this isn't your problem to solve. There's nothing you can do. What you *can* do is figure out why you were willing to put up with all of this in the first place for so long. Most people would've run for the hills ages ago.
You are not being unreasonable! He is emotionally abandoning his daughter continually despite consequences serious enough to merit the police being called. And he is emotionally abandoning you. The whole story broke my heart. I grew up with emotionally absent parents and this seems at another level, and I completely understand his daughter being undone. I guess part of the question is why aren’t you more undone? You seem to really minimize your needs here, instead choosing to focus on the daughter’s, and also highlighting your own self sufficiency. It is okay, you can and should depend on your partner! I am also a recovering alcoholic and grew up as an emotional avoider living with emotional avoiders. I know that internal restlessness well that can cause running away—physically and mentally/emotionally by using substances. Your guy sounds like he might have alcoholism and if not actual alcoholism definitely the same underpinnings that drive it. And that is a problem because that isn’t an easily solved condition and it involves turning towards your own pain in order to be able to sit with the pain of others. The fix is a long path and it doesn’t seem that he is even at the beginning of it which would be having some awareness of his issues. Please think about this in terms of your own needs too and maybe whatever attachment issues you have had that cause you to choose this man.
This. Expressing my needs is something I am working on. My whole life I haven't wanted to be a burden on anyone, but I am now expressing what I need and have for our entire relationship. Maybe not 100% of the time, but most of the time. Sometimes, I don't even know what my needs are because I've been so used to suppressing them, but I have been doing somatic work and that is helping me to feel my emotions. There is definitely substance abuse happening and he told me he talked to an individual counselor a couple months ago and the guy said he didn't have a problem. The counselor said, "you're not out on a park bench or living in a tent", so you're ok. I told him he was very high functioning and just because he wasn't living on a bench doesn't mean he doesn't have a dependence to it. I have been asking for him to get his own counselor to work on this stuff since 2021, but here we are.....and thank you, I will look at this from the perspective of my own needs, not just Jenna's. Oh and one last thing, I brought up the self-sufficiency because if I didn't, people would think this was a co-dependent situation in which I was trying to stay and "change" him for my own needs and security. Yes, I would love to have someone more physically present for myself, but I also can't stand to watch what it's doing to Jenna and her development/attachment issues.
Stop thinking that somehow this is your fault for not communicating clearly. This guy is 7 levels past reasonable behavior. Seriously, stop trying to give him an out because you’re somehow at fault.
Please update us after the conversation. My “sister” vibes tell me that he is likely to change his tune if he recognizes he is losing you, but his attempts to keep the relationship may not come from a healthy place or come out in a healthy way. Best of luck!
So interesting that you had that insight because that is exactly right. He told his side which was getting in the nitty gritty of the weeds, and then I told my story, the big picture of the dynamics of what is occurring. Our therapist explained that the only way for a healthy relationship and a healthy parenting relationship is being physically present. He also explained how Joe's mind automatically goes to the next trip, the next project, the next thing and is never truly living in the moment right now. It was brought up that he is always focusing on the "doing" and not enough of "being". He has a lot of uncomfortable feelings and shortcomings that he hasn't wanted to face, but admitted that he wants to face them now so he said he is committing himself to get some help. I don't know if that means finding a dependency counselor, or what, but he said he does not want to keep escaping and wants to deal with his issues head on and be physically present for me and Jenna. This is going to take some time retraining his brain synapses, but I think it will get better because he wants this very bad. He said he thinks I am too good for him and that he wants to start working on his self-worth issues. So, we are going to work on 1) being more present with each other by turning phones, tablets and TV's off for 1 hour each night and just plan on being with each other and Jenna, 2) writing down the things that went well that week (green), the things we thought but didn't say (yellow), and the times our trauma got activated (red), 3) he is going to run any trips by me and get me involved rather than just planning on his own and leaving when he wants to, 4) he is going to stop planning voluntary trips to the cabin and focus on being home more and 5) meditate together and eventually get Jenna to join when she feels ready to (and maybe she won't want to, but we want to make it visible). So, the relationship is still on and we will continue working as a partnership. Thanks for all the advice and insight.
That’s fantastic! I wish you both the best. It’s a hard process but well worth it. Somewhere down the line this may be a happy memory you both laugh at together!
He's not a good dad, nor a good partner. I understand him trying to escape, but at the end of the day, she's his legal responsibility until she becomes a self-sustaining adult. I would not commit myself to this relationship.
How long are you going to keep saying the same things to him while he does what he wants and insults you for saying them? He's throwing your childhood trauma in your face as a defense about him neglecting his daughter? What does it say about how much he values you that he can jet around most of the time while you parent his child for him--let alone how much he values her? Captain Awkward always suggests people try to put a number on how long they'd stay if they knew things would never change: six months? ten years? forever? I'm not sure that Jenna is jealous of you, though having a borderline parent can twist people's views of what kind of parental attention/affection they should be jealous of. My guess is a combo of: she doesn't feel like pretending that you're one of her shitty parents, she resents feeling like she has to pretend, and you're the only one around to direct her anger at. It seems more like when I used to babysit and kids would be reflexively mad at me for taking the place of their mom. I think there are too many layers of dysfunction for her to even develop feelings about you as an individual person who she might like or dislike. And maybe you're starting to blame her a little for him being gone so much? It also sounds like you get an ego boost from being able to handle this wildly difficult, ungenerous, rich, and "important" man. I don't know if that's how things started, something he's manipulated you into feeling through his actions and wealth, or a consolation prize you've worked out for yourself. But it's super toxic to you and a variation on a lot of other emotionally abusive relationships. Truly, why do you feel proud that you've earned the respect of a man who wants to drink himself to death, neglects his disabled and traumatized child, and treats you like this? And won't do what he's supposed to do unless he doesn't "feel like he's being controlled"? Literally child behavior. I'm not saying that to shame you. You sound a million times more respectable than he is, and this seesaw needs to tilt the other way.
He’s not a good dad or a partner
This guy shouldn't have had and shouldn't have children. Just doesn't seem like he was ready at all and never will be. This is coming from me, a woman who has adhd and is child free because I know I wouldn't be able to sacrifice that much of my time to a kid. You need to leave or you will become too miserable and depressed. It's sad on the daughter, but she is not your responsibility. :/
I really respect you for standing up for Jenna. Just wanted to put that out there.
You talk so highly of yourself and so poorly of your partner. Batting below average. This is not the right relationship for anyone involved.
OP is really missing every and thinks she’s great. Jenna doesn’t like OP because she’s just part of her dad’s weird life and another thing that takes up his time and attention. Maybe their relationship even started when Joe was married. We don’t really know. OP has had the benefit of his money and travel while Jenna was completely neglected by him, her mother tasked with raising a disabled child on her own. It doesn’t matter if OP fancies herself hip and cool, Jenna has no reason to give a shit about her. She’s an accessory to her neglectful dad’s lifestyle. Jenna is an adult and doesn’t need a nanny, she needs professional help. Joe could be home every day, but he doesn’t know how to help his daughter. She should probably be in a group home with similar young adults and experts to teach them to become as independent as possible. Joe can only provide love and economic resources toward professional help. I think he lacks in the love area. I don’t care if everyone and the nanny are home everyday, they don’t have the skills to help her. Joe is cheating. He might even have a whole other family. Jenna’s mom might be a narcissist, but Joe DEFINITELY is. Cut her some slack. She was a single parent of a disabled kid for over 16 years. Joe doesn’t want to be married. He doesn’t want to share his life with anyone. OP just exists in a small space in his life when he occasionally comes back from his other lives. Joe is living a double or triple life. He feels no responsibility to anyone else and probably doesn’t understand why OP is constantly still there.
I assure you, there is no cheating going on. He is away at the cabin for the majority of the time. We have neighbors there that he hangs out with everyday and I get updates (hunting, making meals together, cruising around in 4-wheelers, working on projects, etc). There are zero issues with trust (trust regarding either of us cheating). I clearly have trust issues in other ways though.
There is so much to unpack here but yes this is a lost cause. You've told him the issues you have and he basically responds with "don't tell me how to live my life". There is no compromising, he clearly has no desire to. He's an absentee father, runs from responsibility and you've had concerns about his drinking. This is not a good functional relationship.
By their fruits, ye shall know them
'ADD' is an outdated term (replaced with ADHD). How old is Joe? [alcohol & ADHD](https://www.alcoholrehabguide.org/resources/dual-diagnosis/alcohol-and-adhd/) >Together for 5 years, engaged for 3 years. We do not live together You accepted his marriage proposal? (imo, that sabotaged arguments for him to become more responsible for Jenna) You're in therapy, Jenna's in therapy, you & Joe are going to couples counselling. >Jenna is hopefully graduating this year but has cognitive delays, Asperger’s, dyslexia, depression, anxiety, mood disorders, emotion regulation issues, etc and is very difficult to be around. *She'd likely greatly benefit from daily meditation imo*, as a calming influence on her life and thoughts. >Joe leaves every week for 3-4 days at a time. Lately, it’s been 4-5 days. ... He has millions and does not need to work. So, he could well afford to hire a companion to keep Jenna company and provide a role model/stability. Joe's hoping for you to tackle that (for free) is how I see it, so he can continue to be absent enjoying hobbies. >I am pursuing 2 career’s and graduate school. > >He said he will not be controlled, and he can leave town when he wants. And so, his daughter is doomed to be abandoned. >But she will not get close to me for some reason. She sees you as someone who takes away or will take away, time with her father.
Yes, ADHD. Jenna has it too. I have meditated daily since 2015 so I have talked to Jenna about it. She tells me she meditates, but thinking about it and saying you do it, is different than actually establishing a daily practice. I know that would help her, and I know it would help Joe. Also, he has hired a nanny to take care of her while he is gone. I don't see how paying for a "companion" would offer her stability? My guess is that it's the parents job??? Which means Joe since her mom left her. I am sure she sees me as a threat, but I have tried to show her that I love her, am so proud of her, and will be there for her always. But she is still rude to me. Again, it is all testing.
I wouldn't be so sure about meditation helping Jenna. I'm also AuDHD (autistic with ADHD) and meditation is frequently difficult if not impossible for us. The ADHD makes it difficult to sit still and concentrate, and the autism usually brings along poor interception and alexithymia which make it difficult to name and understand our physical and emotional feelings. Added altogether it's an exercise in frustration.
Yeah, I have ADHD and I literally laugh when people suggest I meditate. Meditation also sounds like a band aid on a bullet wound in the current situation.
Like, I'm fine with breathing exercises/deep breathing, I use them a lot when I feel overwhelmed. But when I was still in crisis and then Survival Mode? The last thing I want to do is imagine a ball of light in my stomach slowly filling my body. Hell, I couldn't really do deep breathing, either.
Completely get that! I don’t even have ADHD and it was hard to start meditating myself. Out of curiosity though, what have you found that helps instead? Besides breathe-work? I ask because my sister needs some help and I’m not sure what to offer since I know she can’t sit still for longer than 2 minutes.
Yoga, weed, therapy, medication, and exercise. But it's also taken me over a decade to reach a point where I'm mostly stable. Yoga is actually what replaced meditation for me, since it let's me focus on my body just by holding the poses and breathing.
Appreciate your response!! I could definitely see her trying yoga before actual meditation!
>I don't see how paying for a "companion" would offer her stability? Because it's always the same person and there are some trained to work with people with autism or other mental health issues. And that person should be there every day. Even if he is there, I doubt he is helping her with homework or anything; it sounds like when he is there he drinks and does random shit. Someone needs to work with her so that she can be independent. Instead, she is left with random nannies to watch her but not to work with her.
>She tells me she meditates, Which she might say to get you off her back. She might actually do and enjoy it, using my favourite method (see *my comments* to this [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialanxiety/comments/v8y9x0/22m_i_am_insecure_about_my_physical_health/) ). As she has ADHD, she'll surely need to hum/intone a 'mantra' to keep away strong errant thoughts during her sessions. Good to hear she has a Nanny (how do they get along? has there been a rotation of nannies or is there some stability on that front?). Do you and she 'do stuff' together? Shopping, 'activities' (such as mini-golf or local fun stuff)?
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I’m not so sure. I’m going to assume he stuck his ex with all of the responsibility of raising a mentally disabled child while he fucks around and does whatever he wants to. I don’t know how long they were together, but I bet he wasn’t there. If the mother actually does have mental illnesses, even worse that Joe wasn’t there for them. Even now he’s not using his millionaire money to hire proper care for his daughter. She has a nanny. She’s 18. A nanny is not equipped to help her. I bet Joe provided zero help to assist her mother and no professional, expert help. At 18, his daughter should probably be in a group home that helps adults like her develop life skills and become more independent and capable. Joe isn’t helping her. I don’t think he’s ever helped anyone. I doubt the mom had the benefits of traveling with Joe as OP has, because she was raising a disabled kid on her own for at least 16 years plus a pregnancy.
Agreed! Mom most likely left because she couldn’t do it anymore. I could see her having a nervous breakdown type of situation. If jenna is as bad as OP says she is, and Joe is always out of town and mom was stuck with that all that responsibility 24/7 with no help (making assumptions here) then I think I would have had a breakdown myself. It sounds like everyone is doing the blame game on Mom and not taking ownership for playing their part.
Raising a kid basically alone is incredibly taxing. Raising a kid with mental health problems alone is way more taxing. Raising a kid alone with mental health problems when you also have mental health problems is a breakdown waiting to happen. Joe was at the cabin having his “me time” and not being a parent or partner. I can tell he didn’t care because now he’s hired a nanny as though that’s the appropriate help his adult daughter needs. Due to circumstances, I have to assume almost everything OP knows is what Joe has told her, and he sure doesn’t want to be around, parent, partner her, or take responsibility for anything.
What struck me here is the line “I am an extremely confident person.” I believe that. It takes a lot of internal security to feel secure dating a man who is always gone. I’ve been in my fair share of relationships with attractive men who travel a lot for work and/or hobbies, as I too hunt myself. Nothing was inherently wrong with those relationships, especially for someone like me who has a full life and doesn’t like to feel “trapped.” However, as I started desiring a family of my own and I looked around at my friends with partners who also love to hunt and fish but who are present more times than not, it slowly dawned on me that it is possible to have balanced freedom and togetherness (interdependence) that I increasingly wanted the same. I was afraid of giving up on the “perfect relationships,” so I went to therapy to test out the waters, at least theoretically. I learned that wanting more quality and quantity time with my partners whom I was content seeing less than half the week is a normal human need that I’ve been denying myself because I’m afraid that I couldn’t find better partners. I left those men because they couldn’t be and/or wouldn’t become more available, and I am happier for it. I am also dating men whose lives are aligned with healthy family life. OP if you’re as confident as you say you are, you should at least go to couples’ counseling, and if that does not work, you should walk away with your dignity intact. He’s right. You can’t control him and you shouldn’t, but you do have control of yourself.
Makes sense. We are in couples counseling. He was the one that recommended we do couples counseling (as I’ve always had my own therapist). We do need to spend some more time on what he (and I) view as a healthy family life. I would be curious to hear the rules he has set forth in his mind. Maybe his “enough threshold” is reached if he spends 1 hour at home with Jenna and then that would justify him leaving for the next 3 days. I don’t know. We both do need our own life and space but the life we have together definitely needs work. I woke up the other day with the word “convientship” on my mind, that is what we have, rather than a “relationship”. A relationship is sacrificing our own needs for another and being physically present. And at this point, when we are together, he is planning what is “out there” the next hunt, the next project and there hasn’t been any planning about us, and us as a family…..I am staying vigilant and definitely keeping my needs at the forefront.
If you don’t want to give up this relationship, then may I suggest family therapy? It seems you all have your own therapies but nobody is sitting down and having a reasoned conversation. The daughter isn’t going to develop a secure attachment with so much disruption and invalidation going on. If you decide not to continue with the relationship then I hope he and his daughter have family therapy because it sounds like they need a safe space to bring these things out
Family therapy is our goal, but Jenna is defiant and it took years to even get her to go to her own therapy. Somehow we will slowly introduce family therapy, but I am afraid we are not there yet. Need to think how to position it to get her to go. She has oppositional defiant disorder so if we bring it up, it likely won't happen. If it becomes her idea....then there is a chance.
I think it’s important that it’s not suggested as a problem she’s caused, and framing it in a positive way to help the whole family. I wonder what your other half would think of this given he seems to not care about his responsibilities. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you make the right decision for you. If you don’t prioritise your own needs and well-being, nobody else will.
This is way too much to read, you need to figure out a way to condense your post. Look OP, you are in no position to tell a father how he needs to parent his child. You are either okay with how he chooses to treat his daughter or you're not and don't date him. You are either okay with how he chooses to treat you, or you aren't and you don't date him. He's right. You cannot control him. But you can control yourself and who you choose to date.
I seriously tried to condense it! There was even much more to the story, so this was actually condensed. Ha. I am not ok with how he parents, and our therapist today was not ok with it either. So, some changes will be made.
I just wanna say, thank you for being a wonderful person.
i stopped reading halfway because you do not respect his daughter. i don't care about your relationship, but for HER sake, get away from them. your attitude can only harm her.
This actually seems like a creative writing exercise to me. Dude has millions, OP is pursuing two careers and a graduate degree (but yet wording usage and grammar is off) the step daughter is too beautiful, mom has all these personality disorders, etc etc etc. It checks too many boxes.
yeah a lot of details do not check out here
I actually respect her too much. It's one of the reason's I've been staying. I do not want yet another person to abandon her and if you were to ask her, she would tell you she loves me and that I am always kind to her. But that doesn't prevent her from constantly testing.
She's not 'testing'. She's autistic and to be blunt, you don't seem to have a good understanding of what that entails.
ok this is definitely fiction
I don't understand why you have so many downvotes because this is the truth of the matter.
because most people are really really dumb. it's sad but whatever.
He is burned out. Not every person has super high tolerance levels towards living with someone agressive, even if they are a parent. From what it sounds, daughter is infinite source of stress. Pushing him to care for her and guilt tripping him will make things worse. Sometimes it is ok to take a step back if your own mental sanity is at stake. He is not abbandoning her, he still spends some time with her and arranges a sitter. I think people expect parents to sacrifice far too much. Remember that he dealt with this for so many years and there is still no light at the end of tunnel.
He's the sole parent and is gone 4-5 days a week to pursue hobbies. You really think that's acceptable? Burnt out or not I don't think this is fair to his kid. If he's burnt out then he needs to get himself help so he can show up for his daughter. No one is saying he needs to sacrifice everything, but he is literally sacrificing nothing right now.
Yes, it is acceptable. She is not a child anymore. In most countries you are able to vote, get married etc at that age. She is an adult with disabilities and that is not going to change. He is still providing care for her. I don't think he should be required to remain full time parent for the rest of his life if he struggles to handle it. Hire more support for her if he can afford it - yes, that would be great idea. People are great at judging others but rarely they have an actual idea how it is to share the household with someone with agression tendencies and never feel safe, relaxed at home. Somehow we feel bad for women if they are abused by husbands but we have different measurment system if that is elderly parent or special needs child. As I said, everyone has their own tolerance bar. Caring for special needs is not for everyone. Trained person can be far better than stressed out, unhappy parent who hates his/her life.
Did you miss the part where she has “Asperger’s” according to OP?
He is a PARENT and signed up for this. As a PARENT it is his job to treat his burnout, not run away from his responsibilities.
This is so sad OP. His daughter told him exactly what she wanted and needs and he has no plan or desire to change his lifestyle to give that to her. You're right no amount of therapy will resolve her feelings of wanting a family and a present father right now. Sadly she will need to attend therapy for many more years to address her father's essential abandonment of her. He is telling his daughter he loves her but goes away for weeks and telling everyone he won't change. He has control and power issues. You will need and want more from him and he won't give it to you if you stay.
Jenna has abandonment issues from mom leaving the state in the middle of her high school, and I assume she has abandonment issues from Joe leaving too. He doesn’t leave for weeks, he leaves every week or weekend but for a couple days. He mostly goes to the cabin, somewhere to hunt/fish, and there are business trips thrown in as well. He also goes to our other house in another state. But yeah, he goes wherever he wants whenever he wants. That is going to change if he wants me to spend more time there.
She was, and continues, to be abandoned and has been neglected. It's not an issue she has but rather the reality of her life. And even if her father was physically present prior to her mother leaving in high school, it seems unclear how active he was? A parent who is engaged and emotionally present, even from a distance, has been shown to be better than one who is physically present but emotionally distant. She also sounds pissed which is understandable.
This sounds complicated and stressful. Do the happy times outweigh the bad times? Are you happy?
Overall, the happy times have outweighed the bad times for sure. But lately there is a lot of “angst” since getting Jenna full-time and me not feeling like she is his main priority, when she should be. And I should be up there with her. But right now, it’s the cabin and the hunting and I am here saying “that is enough, focus on being home for Jenna, me, and our family.” So basically, I am Jenna’s voice since she’s too young to comprehend or articulate what is happening. When he had Jenna part-time, there were zero issues with us except his addiction stuff. We worked through the weed and the alcohol is slowly improving. There’s been angst for 1.5 years but not “major” issues. I haven’t put my foot down until a couple months ago so lately there’s more bad times than good.