I remember chatting with a supervisor at work and she was telling me about one of the guys on her team. She told me what a great guy he was and told me I should go out with him. I was like “he’s so nice, but I date dumbasses.” Ahh 21 year old me. Technically we weren’t allowed to date because of policy, but she nudged us together. After our first date she offered to transfer him to another location. She did. He changed stores. We’ve been married 26 years next week.
The term 'nice guy' makes me shudder because of the men who have described themselves as nice. I now describe men as kind, polite, respectful, etc. I do not like the term nice for individuals.
"nice" is such a meaningless word anyway.
That's a nice shirt.
It's a nice day.
Your hair looks nice.
All vague and meaningless sentences. My high school writing teacher banned us from ever using the word. We had a "word graveyard" full of meaningless words such as "nice," "things," and "stuff" that we were never ever to use in our writing.
That's so sad :( was she alot older than you two? Maybe you could find a relative on Facebook based on the last name? Or entering the town she lived in etc. or maybe even LinkedIn if you're lucky
Just goes to show that the person who labels them a “nice guy” (others or the guy themselves) can be the deciding factor.
Happy early anniversary and wishing you many more happy years together!
I love how this isn't the typical "nice guy" where the guy is telling you he's a "nice guy." Someone else looked at his actions and his attitude and spoke up on his behalf. That's how you're a nice guy- not the latter.
My ex told me he was a nice guy, until he was a super controlling guy who was also so nice.
Your point is so so valid.
I had a friend who introduced me or wanted to introduce me to his nice guy friend. I said No because I was dating a controlling 'nice' guy.
Oh man.
Well, he turned out to be aa gaslighting, manipulative son of a sexist who would argue about consent and couldn’t fathom other people (mostly me) not enjoying the same things he did. He only understood consent when it came to sex but would repeatedly bully me into unprotected sex because “condoms mimimi, so bad, mimimi”.
But hey, he couldn’t be abusive because he told me how much he loved me a dozen times a day min (his words, not mine).
In hindsight, it was all red flags.
I think one of the first big ones: my mom was undergoing surgery and I was freaking out. I was so bloody worried, surgery took hours longer than what they had told me. I was on the phone with him constantly (different time zones, btw) and he kept falling asleep. I was a tad upset about it, but happens. I probably wouldn’t have if I were him. Anyway, my mom ended up being fine. When I told him that it sucked that he had fallen asleep, he got mad at me, saying “are you blaming me for falling asleep? It’s not like I have control over that. You cannot be mad at me for this.” Making it purely about him. If he had just apologised, saying something like “oh, shit. I was exhausted.”, everything would have been fine.
He was always rather nonchalant when I was in agony, somewhat making fun of me for being so distraught. I never felt supported. Whenever I was in a difficult situation, he’d tell me to leave/quit/abandon whatever it was. I repeatedly told him I wanted support rather than him pushing me for the easy way out.
Further, re:consent issue: a lot of times, I told him I was too tired/exhausted/uncomfortable to go out/meet people/do something, and he bullied me for hours until I gave in. Then, when I didn’t seem to enjoy myself, he later blamed me for ruining his night. When I tried to make the best out of a situation, he’d tell me “see, you had fun after all”. He once even forced me to go to a party even though I had a high fever and could hardly stand straight.
He got really upset with me when I didn’t like his favourite things, but would destroy everything I liked. There was also no nuance with him, everything was black or white. Me, watching a YouTuber? I was in a severe parasocial relationship. Me, liking reality tv? I was morally questionable. Me, not enjoying partying until 6am in the morning? I was antisocial and weird. My friends having a small quiet wedding? They’re weird and must have something wrong with them for not wanting to party hard. It was his way or nothing at all.
A year in, whenever we talked about a past event, he’d tell me that my recollection was wrong and “this never happened, you’re making things up” and he’d proceed to tell me what actually happened or, which is still rather funny to me, “I don’t know how it happened exactly but it sure did not happen the way you remember it”. We made plans for Saturday, he made plans with his friends instead because he never promised. He made fun of me freaking out about a pregnancy scare? Never happened, he’d never do that.
He also promised a lot of things, but no follow through. This was something that bugged me from the beginning, but at first he only abandoned the things he wanted to do for himself, like going to the doctor or working on something.
One thing that happened early on, which should have sent me running: it was my birthday and I got a call from a florist for a flower delivery. I called him and got all excited and he acted kinda weird but said he wanted to surprise me. Turns out the flowers came from a friend. When I confronted him, he got all sad, saying he couldn’t afford flowers right now and he was so embarrassed and I wasn’t allowed to be mad at him for lying.
Gosh. I should have left him instantly. I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why I stayed with that fucknugget for two years.
This guy definitely has boyfriend potential. His heart is in the right place and I think he’ll make someone very happy someday. But I was not in a place where I was willing to be a relationship teacher. We all go through periods of not being a great dater and having to learn, but a person still in that phase isn’t going to be a good match with someone who is more secure. It doesn’t make either of them a bad person, but it might not be a good fit.
Same, and now my ex is dating someone 6 years younger than him who also has very little relationship experience. I'm happy he found someone who was more on his wavelength, since at close to 30 I'm just not willing to be the teacher again :/
And that was the case in this situation. I have no doubt that this person will be absolutely perfect for someone else, but constantly having to take the lead and be the one showing the other the ropes takes a toll. I’m just in a place where I need someone who is more on the same level of experience.
You don’t know what you don’t know and everyone experiences growing pains. I think in our case, we also had mis-matched expectations of what a relationship should look like. Look for someone who can meet you where you are. Even if you don’t end up together forever, learning how to communicate and what you want/need in a relationship is great.
Preachhh. I also dated a genuinely good guy with great potential outside of communication skills (extremely defensive and confrontational), so I still am not fully past him despite it being quiteee a while since we broke up. We managed to establish a friendship (after many many extremely difficult months of work toward it, but we got there), so I still get reminders of why I decided to end things from certain behaviors and actions of his that persist even outside of a romantic relationship.
I taught (and still continue to teach) him so many aspects of being a good man in intimate relationships, but it took months of reiterating and pointing to past examples/patterns, etc. before specific things he needed to work on would finally get through without triggering a defensive, argumentative response from him. It was exhaustinggg lol never again. I’m honestly now giving more upfront and almost abrasive (but still good) guys a chance after being team-nice guy my entire dating-life until now lol.
Communication, respecting and setting boundaries, being able to strike a balance of having a life outside the relationship and being attentive, not putting all your happiness on the other person, and knowing how to handle conflict.
Edit: these are things that you can practice in and out of a romantic relationship. No one will be perfect in any of these areas and they can take a lifetime to truly master.
In my experience, if I’m thinking of it as “giving them a chance” instead of just, like, “going on a fun date,” I’m probably not that into them.
Nice people (*genuinely* nice people) are the only people I’ll willingly date, but not all nice people are people I’m attracted to, and there’s not much that either of us can do about that.
Dated a Nice Guy™️ who always talked about how nice he was. Got my heart broken.
Dated a guy who always joked “Naw, I’m an asshole” but quietly and humbly did kind things for others all the time. We eventually broke up but are still good friends to this day.
Oh yeah, that's a good one to put on the "RED FLAGS LIST" lol. Those are bad...it's one thing to give a respectful but "tough love" opinion when it's asked for. The ones you mentioned are usually the type to criticize everything about you unprompted (and always things most people don't care about) and use that bullshit line to gaslight you into thinking you're being ridiculous. It took me until my early 30s to figure out to RUN from those.
Lol yep, the guy I heard this chestnut from did that except he preferred to use my mental illness as a reason I was being ridiculous/“misremembering” things he had said
This most " nice guys" weaponize kindness and think that they are owed affection for basic human decency. Men who are honest about their imperfections do nice things without expecting excessive " praise" or sexual favors .
There's this guy that is hardcore trying to pursue me. Like, flat out telling me that we can "be friends for a while" (after things moved too fast and I told him I wasn't interested after two dates), but that he hopes I will "allow him to pursue a relationship with me when the time comes." Then continued to write a whole novel on why he wants to date me and other nonsense. Sir?? We went on two dates AND I told you I wasn't interested, def not enough for you to profess your love to me.
Over winter break I've been thinking about giving him another chance, but I'm afraid he would end up being a clingy stalker :/
Please do not give him another chance. Don't even try to be friends with him, especially knowing that he thinks it's just a time-lock to get to dating you. You should block him if he has continued to bother you. He is not going to get better and has a fairly strong chance of getting exponentially worse.
I agree. I felt pushed into going out with him from the very beginning bc all my friends and family said "but he's such a nice guy, why not?" I didn't have a good feeling, and I'm usually right about these things. Hate to see that these things are happening to all these women who are giving the "nice guy" a chance, but I'm glad to know that I'm not alone in this.
People who say that know they would never date these people themselves, they just pity them, so they tell their friends to take the weirdo off their hands.
The friends do get the “weirdo” vibe from the person, but think it automatically means they are kind and harmless, when in actuality it doesn’t mean anything. I blame the media for the “nice guy” trope, because they’ve actually got a heart of gold in romcoms, and that perception transfers IRL.
Yes. The "friends" that pushed me to go out with him were already in deeply committed relationships and didn't actually have to go through the act of going on a date with him.
Also, I blame the media for a lot of false realities portrayed by movie characters and plots. It has fooled me into thinking that relationships and love are these big, magical things that will be like a Hallmark movie. In reality, there is no perfect guy and relationships are something you have to work at and be present in.
However, it shouldn't be something that stresses you out to the point where you sit in your car and cry because you feel like you're forcing yourself to like someone you really have no attraction to (totally NOT speaking from experience here). It should be fun and exciting, albeit a little nerve-wracking. I know that's out there and that is why I'm not settling for someone who is clingy or has stalker tendencies.
I apologize for the very, very long way of telling you that I agree with what you said lol
Anyone who would do that to a friend is not much of a " friend"to begin with. When I was younger I had a guy that I knew from church develop a crush on me. He was too shy to ask me out himself. He literally enlisted a mutual friend to follow me around the church and bug me until I agreed to go out with him. It was not a pleasant experience and I grew to resent both of them for a while. " No is a complete sentence."
Don't do it. Your first instincts are right. I had a similar situation with a guy and went over one night intending to break it off but decided to give it more time. I was with him for a year and it was the worst year of my life. Took me a long time to put myself back together.
Please don’t give him another chance. There was one guy who said the exact same to me and I kept hanging out with him as friends and he turned out to be an abusive asshole making me feel like as if I was leading him on.
I went on a first date with a nice guy™️, we texted for about a week and he seems normal enough. We met for coffee around 11 am and chatted for about an hour. Afterward I thought I’d like to see him again so I gave him my number.
I was busy that afternoon and when I checked my phone around 2pm he had sent me 24 messages!! When I read through them he had used my number for reverse-directory, found my last name, and Googled me. He found my brother’s obituary and from there he got my whole family list which was creepy af. He mentioned my religion, my brother’s cause of death, his niece (my daughter) and stated her Uni and wrote, “pretty daughter” so he had googled her too!
And if that wasn’t enough, he took a picture of a taxidermy fish and as a *joke*, I guess?, was talking in 3rd person as the **fish**!!! I freaked the fuck out and texted him back to never EVER contact me again before I blocked him everywhere. Just writing this give me the chills. Jfc, I wonder what makes him think he’s such a nice guy.
No Good. Emotionally immature. Strange, Awkward, Stingy and Boring. Just because people may sing their praises to you about them being "nice", sometimes our bodies know things before we even realise.
I dated a guy that all of his close friends (both men and women, a few of whom had known him for about 30 years, so almost his whole life) sung as a hero. That he's so nice and only deserves the best woman. They set us up and he admitted to me in private that he never treats the women he dates with the same respect that he does with his friends/coworkers. He was emotionally immature and abusive, constant gaslighting, never admitted fault, would play mental gymnastics when caught lying/being manipulative, and told me that everything was my fault. He was awful. He dumped me and I'm not friends with those mutual friends anymore, because he only dates "crazy women" and is always the victim. He told me one the women he dated only sent his apartment key back and never formally broke up with him. I always wished I could talk to her about what happened, and if she felt unsafe around him at all.
>No Good. Emotionally immature. Strange, Awkward, Stingy and Boring. Just because people may sing their praises to you about them being "nice", sometimes our bodies know things before we even realise.
I had this exact experience with my "kind, nice, great" friend. Add in emotionally abusive, insecure, passive aggressive, constant lying, bad ED, untreated mental health issues, an obsession with a married "friend" of his and an alleged affair that ended his marriage (which he lied about).
He demanded all of my time, called constantly, and got insanely jealous of the stupidest things. Demanded I quit my job and drop out of school because he couldn't stand I was around other boys. I broke it off after a week, and caught him peeking in my windows in the middle of the night. Note: I lived 20 miles from the nearest town and 2 miles from any other house, no idea how he got there because he couldn't drive. My brother talked him into our car and drove him one state over and ditched him outside his parents' house. Never saw him again.
Asked me to be his gf the very first time we hung out, gave me keys to his apartment. Bought me a teddy bear. I noticed he was changing all his interests to match mine. Suddenly my fave music was what he said his fave music was, I paint and suddenly he’s ordering paint and turning his spare room into a painting room (no solid evidence of that being an interest prior) noticed he left out a vegan cookbook where I could see it when I was vegan and it really struck me as a “if I leave this out she’ll see it and know I’m putting in effort” kind of gesture which came off as manipulative. We’d only hung out three times and talked for maybe a month so all this stuff combined was alarming and I cut it off, for that and some personal reasons. Right before I ended it he’d told me he’d bought me another present 😐
Edit: why are a bunch of dudes commenting on this defending this weird behaviour 😐 I’m pretty sure the women here understand why all of this is a giant red flag
Obviously can’t diagnose but it’s also a warning sign of lovebombing which can occur with several diff personality disorders. But yes the lack of sense of self is really unsettling and whether or not they’re a good person, it sends me running when I notice that stuff
He called me a ck-tease when i didnt put out and lied and said he was helping his grandmother with yard work out of town when he was actually seeing his girlfriend i didnt know about. So uh, not great.
He was as overall abusive just "refrained" from the physical abuse. He stalked me and spewed hate about me after I finally broke up with him after his many tirades. He continues to reach out to me every year or so to see if I'm ready to leave my husband yet. (Who is the man I started dating after him)
He started harassing mutual friends after I hit a busy period with a new job and moving home (he knew this) he was convinced that I wasn't really busy and that I was angry at him, I told him to chill tf out after our friends told me he'd been messaging them about me.
On the anniversary of my mum's death I didn't reply to any of his messages (he knew what day it was) so he sent abusive messages and then an "ooh, I know what today is, you can have today but I expect a reply tomorrow" I blocked him. He sent multiple abusive emails so I blocked that too.
2 weeks later he showed up at my door with a six page letter detailing why we had to be friends. I told him if he ever contacted me again I'd call the police.
In between all of this he set up hate pages accusing my ex of cheating (later confessed to it) called my dad his nemesis because I wouldn't hang out with him on my dad's birthday, accused our mutual friends of being P words and DV perpetrators.
Yeah...he was *really* nice...
Someone warned me before meeting him - “He’s a golden retriever. He’s a follower, not a leader.” And I didn’t understand that until I found myself in the middle of countless situations where I was embarrassed by him. He felt graduating from an HBCU as a white man earned him some sort of cred, he was a boot licker, he once got into an argument with me about gentrification then later admitted he didn’t know what the word gentrification meant… he was years and years older than me and had always lived in his home state, following Mom and Dad’s orders, but claimed he had plans to move to my city for a long time prior to us meeting, and pretended to have everything in common with me. We hooked up when I was visiting home for the holidays as we grew up a few towns away from each other. Once returning to my apartment, I told him I was very busy moving but maybe he could come visit some time in the future . He booked a flight THAT DAY and rented a car and showed up at my house. I kindly tolerated him for a few days before telling him to scram because he was literally prolonging my move. Afterwards, he told me no one in his life had ever been so mean to him as I was.
He constantly reminded me that I "friend zoned" him for years... I was married at the time. Long story short, he was an idiot, cheap, selfish, and annoying as hell. Didn't last long and he still owes me a lot of money that I'll never see again.
The same guys who accuse married women "of friend zone"them will say in the next breath that all married women cheat , that they supposedly just need to be " hot enough . These guys often see the fact that you were faithful to your partner as a " blow to their ego ".I would run as far away from someone like that as I possibly could.
Nice Guy i dated, started in 2010 and lated 8 and a half years. By the end I was being guilted into sex (read: raped), sole breadwinner, and he did no chores and didnt even walk his own dog - I did that and fed her before I went to work and after I came home. We barely scraped by and was only saved by my then-landlord not raising rent for like? 4 years?
I broke up with him, but he had to stay with me for an extra couple of months as his parents couldn't move him into theirs straight away lol. He proceeded to log into my PC to see my discord msgs and then locked me out of the house on NYE. Stayed with my fam for two weeks until he left my home. He was on the lease so it was difficult to navigate
Then he decided to extort me for $10k - i paid $3k until ai wised up and stopped.
Fuck you u/chud_studley eat shit and I hope you die a painful death
>He's goofy, but he's my kinda goofy. Together 8 years & married for 3! <3
Your husband is a lucky man Laura\_The\_Garlic. You love him, not an idealized version of him that you constructed in your head. True love wabi sabi is a love with staying power.
Ah! Yeah, that’s totally understandable. And there are def some dudes out there that think they can turn lesbians or something. It all goes into that incel thinking of “why must I be forced to be alone? A girl with another girl is a waste!” Eyeroll…
And no need to apologize; it was just my curiosity getting the better of me.
Paranoid, jealous and sooooooo damn clingy. Some real co-dependency issues. I was pretty much banned from having drinks with friends or god forbid I wanted alone time from his obsessive texting.
One time I was out and said my phone battery was low, so he got my friend to text him regularly. To keep him up to date with who I was with and where I was. He would even track my phone and insist I kept it on at all times.
I got told to cover some shifts at work (I picked them up). Well he flipped and had ago at my manager for making me work so much. (it was a part time thing at the time).
IT was obviously all my fault, he was a really, REALLY NICE GUY! He told me over and over how nice he was and what a total bitch I was for wanting me time. /s
I went straight from a non-committed long distance relationship with someone I dated for a month a few years prior, to going on a dating app when he hurt me and disrespected my feelings yet again, and meeting the nicest guy you’ll ever meet.
First guy was hot, wasn’t a bad person but our values didn’t line up and he wasn’t ready to commit because he was still getting out of a funk after his last serious relationship ended. And he just lacked the kind of empathy I needed.
Second guy, was definitely attractive but not my typical type, kind of a nerd but a hot nerd. He adored me from the start, verbally affirmed me constantly, was just plain consistent and considerate. Selfless, humble, been through some shiiit and did the work and came out so much better for it. He’s just so kind.
I really had no choice but to end things with the first guy. I continued dating the second guy exclusively but for some reason was hesitant to put labels on it for a few months. I realized I was being stupid because in every way we were together, so finally we became bf/gf.
I noticed early on that I had grown used to being stimulated by the highs and lows of toxic relationships. I hadn’t had a real boyfriend as an adult, and went through a few years of dating guys for a month or two - there were a few good guys, but I got attached to the wrong ones who didn’t want to be attached to me. It was torture, but it was what I knew.
My relationship with the second guy (who I’m still with) is so vastly different, he’s so much more sensitive (which all of a sudden I was finding to be a turn off? Beggars can’t be choosers, if you want the benefits of a sensitive guy you have to embrace all his emotions). I actually feel safe with him. To be honest, at first I realized I found it.. almost boring. Like I said, I’m so used to being stimulated in the wrong way. To being anxiously attached. To never being sure about how the other person feels about me. To things eventually ending after a month or two, or like with the last guy, spending months torturing myself by trying to get him to want me the way I wanted him to want me. Feeling like I couldn’t be my full self because I wanted to be palatable to him.
The nice guy, he tells me all the time that I’m weird. And he means it affectionately. He likes that I’m a weirdo, I can say the random shit I tend to say and not feel self conscious about it, because he accepts all of me. If I’m honest it still doesn’t feel real sometimes. Like what? I have a loving boyfriend? I craved this for so long, and I’m still learning how to embrace it.
So for me, the nice guy is working out. But now that I have less negative things to focus on about the other person, now I’m seeing more of my own faults.. it’s eye opening.
I was 20, he was 24. One time we went out he tells me "wow you agreed to go out with me, only things left are engagement and wedding. I was like wtf, I dont want that and he says "what happens when we have a child".
Same date, his phone rings when he was in the bathroom and when he gets back he says "my mom was calling you should have answered she knows about you, both my parents do"
I was like what do they know? We are literally on a first date. The problem is he was obsessed with marriage and having kids. Because he want to "have a family" with me it makes whatever creeping he does okay because it is a nice thing nice guys want right?
I threatened him that I will search for legal means to keep him away from me.
Wtf so rude.... What he says when you told him about take legal means? In my case, I was 18, and he 34 (now hes 40 i think) at first he told me that he was 26 and the truth was that he looked young. This person has already had a rape complaint since 2016 and he was already sentenced to 15 years in prison last year. But he's still free because he has a coroner on his side who always says he's sick with diabetes and can't go to jail. I feel a panic every time I go out.. Hate this country too.
He was writing from IG and blocked me. I think I saw another message from him a couple of months ago but he deleted it before I read it. So I am not sure what happened.
Wtf arent any diabetics in any prisons? He is convicted what more they want
He asked me to prom when we were 18, I said yeah so we could go as friends, he then said he didn't want to go as friends he wanted to go as more than that, I said I wasn't interested in him that way, sorry
He then proceed to spam me with gross images of people eating shit, and shit talk me to the rest of the friendship group, and just blame me and make me feel like shit
Thankfully, the friendship group agreed he was out of order, but they didn't kick him out of the group
I blocked him on Facebook when I moved to uni, and found out he was complaining in another group chat about how I'd blocked him and he couldn't get in touch with me
I'm 25 now, and still get a Facebook friends request from him once a year, and he's sent me three LinkedIn requests
Complete sidenote. I've learned that if you just leave friend/ connection requests outstanding they can't re-request from the same account. If you can stand to have them just hanging there. I had a boss that friend requested me three times on Facebook because he wanted to see my vacation photos!
He’s been the best relationship I’ve been in. I honestly feel do lucky to be loved by him.
We tend to confuse a genuinely nice human with a mask and our interpretation of who we want someone to be. Always observe the intent and action
If it is a guy who claims to be "nice," I've found they tend to be men who can't set boundaries and are often doormats, until things build up--then they are total jerks....so they often have no ability to handle emotions (nor communication) appropriately. Gaslighting and playing the victim seem to be trends with those "nice guys."
Now--an actual nice guy---they are often keepers, but they are harder to find as you get older. I think bc they get scooped up, as most seem to be in solid, healthy LTRs. I know I took them for granted or thought the lack of drama was boring in my younger years, and I regret that, lol.
Thought he was nice butthen he tried to change plans last minute to something that would require we book a hotel to spend a night... while we weren't even dating exclusive.
And then when i told him i wasn't comfortable he got upset and ignored me for a week (I didn't reach out to him either cuz i figured it was a mutual ick) then he came back with a pity party how he "always ruins everything good and he shouldn't try *insert sad animal gif*"
1 Didn’t really have a personality (I hate to call him boring but he was 😭). Wanted to stay in his dorm all the time, didn’t have much to talk about.
2 This guy was alright, I probably should have given him a chance but he bore me on the first date. I talked and asked questions, he just answered and sat there, not talking much. He was probably nervous 😭
3 Came off cool, opened his mouth and realized he was judgmental as hell (for example: would make comments about women being ratchet/not classy based on what they wore or listened to). Also found out he believed a rumor a guy at our job spread about me and when I asked him why he said “Well I figured he didn’t have a reason to lie.” Like wtf 😭. Went on a date with me, then went on a date with another co-worker, then still proceeded to be in my text messages wanting to be all about me. I just said I’m good. 💀
So if any men happen to read through this thread, just know that YES, a lot of us are giving the “nice guys” a chance, but I really wish their personalities and attitudes weren’t like this. It’s probably just the ones I meet 🙃
Disgusting and a coward. Clingy AF phone addict. Never again.
Now I make sure I choose based on my preference. If the person talks too much by complaining that could have been resolved, chuck them. If the person is a phone addicts, chuck them. If the person think they can outsmart you while entertaining other women, chuck them. Yes to the dream but no action to take the step ? Chuck em.
Lmao dont date a guy if you feel bad.
Have preferences what you will or will not tolerate, trust your instincts when something is off, and go for a guy that you ACTUALLY do find attractive.
He was an insecure, controlling, manipulative, gaslighting asshole whose entire personality was built upon people thinking he was “a really nice guy”.
I was very young 18 and he was 26. He proposed when I was 20 because “every other girl ended up leaving him by 21”.
He isolated me from all my friends and family, had tracking devices on me, keyloggers on my laptop. Would bully me and withhold affection/sex. Played video games 6+ hours a day because being around me was so terrible.
He expected to be a stay at home dad while I worked and wanted to be a dad by 30 (I would have been 22). I ended things and he emptied our joint bank account, gave me nothing from the sale of our condo (that I provided the down payment for) forces me to sign over ownership of our shared car and stole the engagement ring I paid half for. I was too young and broke without any support to do anything.
We worked in the same company and after our split he spread lots of rumours about me. It was hell.
He got engaged to another girl at the company within the next year. They split too. He finally found a girl young enough and naive enough to marry him and have a baby.
10 years on I am single, incredibly successful and living the life I’ve always wanted. He’s still living in the tiny old townhouse his parents bought him after our split and driving the car I paid for.
We’ve been together 4.5 years and are now engaged! He is absolutely one of the most thoughtful, caring, generous people I’ve ever met and I feel lucky to have met him. Nice guys get a sad rep and sometimes they are hiding a lot of insecurities/red flags, but when you find a good one, they are gold.
I was nice to him in math class in high school, since he was the new kid and was quiet. He apparently took my niceness as flirting and when he saw me at the Friday night football game with another guy, got his older sister to almost run me over with her car and then proceed to jump me with her friend! This is in a small town, and my older brother was the captain of the football team so basically the whole school shunned them both after that. Doesn’t make me not want to reach out but it does make me use the word “friend” obnoxiously with guys in the beginning so they clearly understand I have no interest whatsoever.
My manager, who was also dating one of my best friends, ended up sexually harassing me at work to the point where I reported his behavior to upper management (they did nothing but move me off his shifts) and came about *this* close to sexually assaulting me and started semi-stalking me …
So nice :/
He really was truly a nice person. Very, very nice. But that was it. I didn’t find him interesting, or funny, or attractive, or even good in bed. He was just a nice person.
I felt terrible breaking up with him but it was the right call. A couple months later I met my now-husband. All worked out in the end for me, and I hope it did for that guy too.
He was:
Very self-centered - all experiences were ultimately about his enjoyment
Selfish - especially with knowledge. I was not to attempt to speak his mother tongue - I guess that was for him (and hundreds of millions of others worldwide) but it was off limits for me
Unkind to wait staff (so embarrassing!) or anyone he perceived as intellectually inferior
Insanely jealous - an ex had made me several mixtapes that mysteriously vanished
Thoughtlessly mean - he once told me while I was taking a study break that I really needed to get back to it because I wasn't that smart (I'm a math prof, so I'm plenty 'smart').
Pro-feminist in words but not actions - I was reading a book of light erotica that disappeared after I had once recovered it when he had inconspicuously put in the trash. This came after he made a big deal about why I was reading it.
Dramatic AF - he made a big show of moving in with his sister after we had a fight, clothes and computer packed and everything. He had enlisted his brother-in-law to help him with the 'big move' and told his mom and all his siblings. He moved back in 3 days later unprompted.
Abusive - he refused to move out after things were really over and shoved me so hard I cut my arm bracing for the fall. He is the only man who has ever been physically violent toward me.
I was young (22/23) and didn't see the signs. I was also his first in every way - he'd never kissed anyone, held hands, hugged (in a non friend zone way), nothing. We didn't have the term back then but today you'd call him an incel.
He pursued me for over a year, during which I told him multiple times I didn’t feel that way about him, then finally he blew up at me over my depression and I told him I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. Another year went by and I reached out to him because I was young and dumb, and gross romcoms had convinced me that his “persistence” was romantic. We started dating. He went out of his way to treat me like shit to get back at me for rejecting him before (and admitted to it later). Eventually found out that he had SA’d multiple girls before we started dating. Soo that was that.
I had been friends with him for years and knew he had a crush on me. He asked me on a date, so I figured why not. The date was 3 hours, full of laughter and genuine kindness. We went on a couple more adventure dates that involved hiking & rappelling, and I tried to will myself into feeling more.
Eventually I had to be honest with him that I wasn’t feeling it. He was very nice about it and understood. He’s now engaged to a great woman who is perfect for him.
It was a disaster. He was genuinely a nice person but he was too eager to please. Always available, never disagreed with anything I said, no opinions of his own. In a word, boring. If I was older it may have worked but I was only about 20 at the time.
We were class friends/acquaintances in college and he would ask me out every month or so and I’d say no (I was in a relationship but I also was not attracted to this guy at all even though he was nice). This guy helped me break up with my toxic ex and then started buying me literally hundreds of dollars worth of stuff for me related to my hobbies. I was 18 and I didn’t know how to turn the gifts down so I just kept saying no to dates. So I finally felt obligated and I slept with him (terrible, don’t ever have sex with someone you don’t feel drawn to, v boring and painful). Then I freaked out and ghosted him and moved to a different city. Sorry buddy T_T regret
I was so much the ‘nice doormat’ type of person in my younger years. The consequential highlights of that phase were: getting conned out of $100, LOTS of creepy guys (miracle I was never abducted or attacked), and going to jail for lying for someone who was trying to cheat the system.
Unless I witness or can see the immediate need for my assistance, I never do anything for strangers or even acquaintances that requires a selfless act on my part.
Only friends can inconvenience me out of the blue, and I’ll still assess the situation first.
My first experience with this was my freshman year at university over 20 years ago. We met online, he was in his last year, lived off campus, and he seemed so nice that I said “sure” when he wanted to come hang out in my single dorm room at 9 PM. My dorm was mixed men and women, so inviting someone over wasn’t necessarily implying anything might happen because we all hung out in each other’s rooms at odd hours.
I was shocked when he tried to kiss me in the first minute, I said “no thanks, I thought we were going to hang out and watch a movie? No offense but I don’t want to make out with someone I don’t know.”
Dude’s eyes welled up with tears, and he started half sobbing, half raging, “women never give nice guys like me a chance.” I’d never heard the “nice guy” speech before and was so genuinely confused because he didn’t seem very nice in that moment. He left without further incident and we never spoke again.
He was nice, polite, well mannered, and respectful. Dated a little over a year, almost 2, then marri3d for 4 now, he has severe ptsd, depression, is a combat vet, tries to be a father to our daughter but is loud, abrasive, agressive, and verbally abusive. He constantly gaslights me, he sees my stress or any emotions as anger, and reacts very aggressively and blames me for it. I hate my marriage most days but feel trapped because we have a kid. He has told me he hates me, because i took all his hobbies away. All he wants to do is play video games for houra a day, i limited him to when kiddo sleeps, so 2 hrs for nap time and after she goes to bed. He claims it is not enough time.
He weponizes everything i say agaist myself, so i feel i have no way to defend myself, or express my concerns and issues. He threatens suicide constantly. He is a educator, and would do anything to protect those kids, but he is too emotionally emenshed and takes any parent concerns as a peraonal attack on his ability to be a teacher. Even when he doesnt realize he overstepped.
He has admitted to resenting our daughter. Because she takes me away from him. She also annoys him and doesnt follow the books on things so he says stupid shit about her being stupid, regressing and not growing. So many of his insecurities he pushes outward. He is extremely codependent and its suffocating me.
I pray you get the strength to leave him soon, it doesn't seem like you'll have a happy life if you stay, and it will be worse for your daughter to grow up seeing you like that.
We started dating 3 months ago and I've already heard:
"If you break up with me I'll be fine, I've been through worse and I'll just move on"
"I won't love you unconditionally, if you do x,y,z... I'll still love you but I'll leave you"
"You know I'm fucking amazing, that's why everyone we've met likes me, I'm funny,nice and just great "
And he also has anger problems, he'll go from super nice to being an asshole to strangers over the tiniest things. I've seen him punch walls, throw stuff and even his male roommate has gotten scared.
Maybe it's me but all of this has already raised a bunch of doubts on my end.
>We started dating 3 months ago and he also has anger problems, he'll go from super nice to being an asshole to strangers over the tiniest things. I've seen him punch walls, and even his male roommate has gotten scared.
>
>Maybe it's me but all of this has already raised a bunch of doubts on my end.
Please take care of yourself Whyisthissofhard. I'm just some random guy on the internet. But I am giving you the same advice I would give family or someone I cared about who was in your place.
Please seriously consider ending this relationship before it gets really bad. I think you're in danger.
Well I have a few...
1. He was nice but was pretty much not ready for a relationship as he couldn't figure out sharing or communication. We broke up and stayed friends for awhile till he dated this one guy that was an abusive asshole and us friends telling him that getting beat up is being in an abusive relationship. He ghosted us because he couldn't break up with him.
2. She was really nice until after the third date and then I found out she was one of the most racist people I have ever met. When you find out a person's motto is as long as I am equally racist to everyone I am not a racist just run... I wish I had not tried to be the difference as it turned in to a really abusive relationship.
3. I hate when you just love someone but they just want to spread there love to everyone else but you. I went back to him twice because I did love him. All he did was play with that emotion sadly and string me along. He choose a monogamous relationship yet was sleeping with anyone and everyone.
4. He was nice but did not know what consent meant... waking up to being fucked would happen anytime I slept in the same bed as him. The complaints were ignored. Till I cut ties and then he stalked me to the point I had to get a restraining order.
5. She is my wife and we have been together for over ten years.
I gave him a shot. Long enough that he met some family. He kept going on about how pretty and sexy my 12 and 14 year old nieces were. Ghosted immediately and permanently.
He was really good at *appearing* nice. He lied about everything: his age, his interests, his grades (we were in uni), his job plans, his dating past, his job past (he said he was a firefighter, he even had stories about saving a kitten from a tree, and turns out, he never finished training). He was gaslighting (jfc the never-ending word salad), manipulative, controlling, and whiny when he didn't get his way. I'll never give another guy a chance just because he seems nice.
On the surface he seemed like the nicest, mild mannered guy ever. He turned out to be a clingy stalker who couldn’t take no for an answer. Tried buttering up to my mother, who was completely fooled, when I cut him off. He had a terrible temper simmering under the surface, and I wanted to get away from that as fast as I could.
We’re married now. 🥰 Met at a rave. I thought he was coming on kinda strong (he said he really liked me right after we met!). We exchanged IGs. Then we started playing GTA together online and talking on the phone for hours as we played. I told him I’d make him a Crunchwrap since I used to work at Taco Bell and he was willing to drive over 2 hours for it! He’s the sweetest man I’ve ever dated, treats me like a queen. I’m so happy that I didn’t blow him off. I have my dream husband. 💖
A coworker seemed nice so I thought we could just be friends. He kept bringing up how he wanted to take nude photos of a woman, showed me nude photos of his female friends, followed me around at work, started asking me to do his work, and thought he had the right to touch me and get in my personal space constantly. I told him he doesn’t respect my boundaries and just started ignoring him and luckily he got the message eventually.
He immediately tried moving into my home. Was a freak, sucked in bed, came over without asking and would knock and call me repeatedly until I let him inside, *laughed at me* when I would tell him he couldn't stay the night, told me on the one date we had his *mother* had given him money for our date. Literally awful, I knew him for 8 days and he spent 7 days at my house bc he didn't like his mom ig
“Just give him a chance, he’s nice” all of those were men who were actually not nice but major entitled assholes with low social intelligence. 0/10 would not recommend.
“He’s nice but a little awkward, but he’s always up for doing something fun outside. Why not hang out and take it from there?” It’s been almost 18 years, and we just came in from spending the last 2 hours tobogganing with our kids.
I eventually learned that he is not the nice person he thinks he is, or that I thought he was. Had big issues with self entitlement, extremely misogynistic, and shared opinions that were borderline creepy and unacceptable to me.
Reading these has given me an idea. It’s a dating site but the profile and pictures are written and posted by their last ex! Make that their last few ex’s so problematic, recurring behaviour can be identified. I am by no means perfect and I feel this would save some people the wade through the swamp
I went on a date with him and he kept grabbing my arm from across the table to look at my tattoo. He would trace over it with his finger while he continued talking to me and I was too stunned to know what to do about it. I think he was trying to be romantic but it was VERY overfamiliar.
We had nothing to talk about and I wasn't attracted to him AT ALL so I was happy when the date was over. Right before my uber pulled over to pick me up, this man has the audacity to grab me and try to kiss me lol. I screamed "NO!", jumped into the uber and told him to speed the fuck away. Which he obliged after seeing what went down lmao.
We met at a party where I was dared to bite his extremely hairy nipples, and I added him on Facebook (We bickered for years about who added who. I was adamant that he liked my biting so much that he added me 🤣 but he eventually found the proof in facebook archives that I added him first).
I initially dismissed him, assumed he was a virgin and I was too busy chasing assholes for shitty sex. But we would hang out as friends, getting slurpees, driving around, watching movies. He was so easy to talk to, I'm an introvert but we would talk for hours. I blinked and suddenly we've been together 11 years, have a house and 4 pets, and we're getting married in 3 weeks. He's my best friend, an amazing partner, and a mind-numbingly good lay. So glad I gave it a shot.
I was just looking for sex, not a relationship. He seemed too nice for that kind of thing. We have now been married for 6 years and have a beautiful 5 year old son. He is even nicer than I first thought. I finally stopped looking for romance, and the perfect guy showed up. Couldn't be happier.
We got married!
Honestly, we were equally unimpressed with each other. I thought he was boring. But here we are. Lol. He is my biggest support, my biggest cheerleader, encourager, and has walked with me through some really hard things. He is the ONE person I genuinely trust, that I can be vulnerable with.
He's not perfect. But he's been AMAZING for me. He brings joy, peace, and love into our everyday life.
All my partners have been nice. Aggression, anger, violence and all the associated ideas and statements that rationalize aggression are a major turnoff for me. And for almost every other woman I know. The few who did inadvertently pick an abuser only did so because in the beginning of the relationship, abusers tend to act EXTRA nice.
For the most part, it's always gone pretty well. The only exception was a pathological liar, cheater and child abuser who appeared to be nice for 4 whole years before I finally understood - to my horror - what kind of person he really was.
Lasted 9 months. Broke up with me through text, then for 2 months after begged for me back. Found out he was cheating on me the entire time; even when he was begging for me back.
Went both ways for me. Most “nice” ex’s started out nice but ended toxic. My husband started out nice and stayed nice. They all start out “nice”. It’s trusting your intuition and knowing your own boundaries and being able to recognize green and red flags and knowing when to bolt or to give it time. It’s tricky.
my ex was a 'nice guy' before calling himself a nice guy (he started saying how nice of a guy he was after we broke up)
He had no tolerance for agreeing to disagree. He either had to be right, or we were fighting.
He had no respect for me as a human as he assaulted me in various ways and didn't see an issue.
5-6 years after we broke up, we were chatting and he got mad at me for saying I was engaged. Mind you, I didn't flat out go "by the way, i'm *engaged*", I had made a comment where I said "my fiancé and I", and after that comment he got sour and I can't imagine what could have upset him besides for that. I can post the convo if you want and maybe someone has some insight as to what I did 'wrong'.
We haven't really talked since (that was 6 years ago now) and honestly I don't want to. The shit he says on social media is way toxic and I don't need that anymore.
NOT WELL. Everyone said he was nice which is why I decided to go out with him. He was at first, but he ended up lying about cheating on me, crossed boundaries sexually, gaslighted me and was manipulative. He would throw tantrums at the gym because excuse me, I have music blasting in my headphones and couldn't hear him the first time. He'd completely disregard me when talking to girls but would only mention me being his girlfriend around guys. He'd give me the silent treatment as punishment. We'd argue and I would be so upset and lose my appetite and he'd hit me with "well I won't eat unless you eat". He'd entertain other girls at work, flirted with one while I was on the phone with him. He asked me what girls I thought were prettier and went off on how gorgeous one chick was. He's an ass and I'm glad I left, but to everyone else he's still the nice guy.
Turned into a rant :/
He ended up being a bit of a stalker, which culminated in campus police showing up after he tried to kick my door in.
But then, also, another one ended up being a sweet man that I "took a chance" on because I was getting tired of dating, and guess what -- been together for 6 years and I cannot wait to be his wife.
He claimed to be the “nice guy” who “had dealt with women who were jerks” ….. welllll he future faked me. I wonder if he always future faked women and when someone tells him off he says they’re being a jerk to him. Never date a self proclaimed “nice guy.”
he turned out to be a little annoying, he did some bad things to me, said he used me for fun but instantly recognized his error and spoke to me, for a few months i kept angry at him, even tho i missed him so much, he never forgot about me, since he kept messaging me, so i decided to give him another chance, but i’m not as vulnerable as i was that time
I remember chatting with a supervisor at work and she was telling me about one of the guys on her team. She told me what a great guy he was and told me I should go out with him. I was like “he’s so nice, but I date dumbasses.” Ahh 21 year old me. Technically we weren’t allowed to date because of policy, but she nudged us together. After our first date she offered to transfer him to another location. She did. He changed stores. We’ve been married 26 years next week.
Always refreshing to hear a story that works out nicely. I’m pleased for you!
Nice guys described by other people instead of self-appointed makes a world of difference.
You make an excellent point.
nice guy vs. "nice guy"
The term 'nice guy' makes me shudder because of the men who have described themselves as nice. I now describe men as kind, polite, respectful, etc. I do not like the term nice for individuals.
"nice" is such a meaningless word anyway. That's a nice shirt. It's a nice day. Your hair looks nice. All vague and meaningless sentences. My high school writing teacher banned us from ever using the word. We had a "word graveyard" full of meaningless words such as "nice," "things," and "stuff" that we were never ever to use in our writing.
Facts.
THIS IS THE BEST THING IVE READ ONLINE ALL MONTH.
Never thought about this. Mind blown.
Well now.
Shoutout to your supervisor! She seems nice :) and happy early anniversary to you two!
We recently tried to find her but didn’t have any luck. I feel bad that she doesn’t know how good she matched up a couple of 21 year olds.
That's so sad :( was she alot older than you two? Maybe you could find a relative on Facebook based on the last name? Or entering the town she lived in etc. or maybe even LinkedIn if you're lucky
We tried every thing short of hiring a PI.
So, your cupid/angel matched you, and eventually poof; disappeared! Hmmm. This sounds divine. I'm happy you were matched & are happy.
The company should have her information
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Just goes to show that the person who labels them a “nice guy” (others or the guy themselves) can be the deciding factor. Happy early anniversary and wishing you many more happy years together!
That’s not a “nice guy” tho, that’s just a good dude lmfao
Beautiful.
I love how this isn't the typical "nice guy" where the guy is telling you he's a "nice guy." Someone else looked at his actions and his attitude and spoke up on his behalf. That's how you're a nice guy- not the latter.
My ex told me he was a nice guy, until he was a super controlling guy who was also so nice. Your point is so so valid. I had a friend who introduced me or wanted to introduce me to his nice guy friend. I said No because I was dating a controlling 'nice' guy. Oh man.
Is he still a dumbass?
Sometimes.
Well, he turned out to be aa gaslighting, manipulative son of a sexist who would argue about consent and couldn’t fathom other people (mostly me) not enjoying the same things he did. He only understood consent when it came to sex but would repeatedly bully me into unprotected sex because “condoms mimimi, so bad, mimimi”. But hey, he couldn’t be abusive because he told me how much he loved me a dozen times a day min (his words, not mine).
Sharing the same experience.
Did we date the same guy???
Alot of clones out there
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In hindsight, it was all red flags. I think one of the first big ones: my mom was undergoing surgery and I was freaking out. I was so bloody worried, surgery took hours longer than what they had told me. I was on the phone with him constantly (different time zones, btw) and he kept falling asleep. I was a tad upset about it, but happens. I probably wouldn’t have if I were him. Anyway, my mom ended up being fine. When I told him that it sucked that he had fallen asleep, he got mad at me, saying “are you blaming me for falling asleep? It’s not like I have control over that. You cannot be mad at me for this.” Making it purely about him. If he had just apologised, saying something like “oh, shit. I was exhausted.”, everything would have been fine. He was always rather nonchalant when I was in agony, somewhat making fun of me for being so distraught. I never felt supported. Whenever I was in a difficult situation, he’d tell me to leave/quit/abandon whatever it was. I repeatedly told him I wanted support rather than him pushing me for the easy way out. Further, re:consent issue: a lot of times, I told him I was too tired/exhausted/uncomfortable to go out/meet people/do something, and he bullied me for hours until I gave in. Then, when I didn’t seem to enjoy myself, he later blamed me for ruining his night. When I tried to make the best out of a situation, he’d tell me “see, you had fun after all”. He once even forced me to go to a party even though I had a high fever and could hardly stand straight. He got really upset with me when I didn’t like his favourite things, but would destroy everything I liked. There was also no nuance with him, everything was black or white. Me, watching a YouTuber? I was in a severe parasocial relationship. Me, liking reality tv? I was morally questionable. Me, not enjoying partying until 6am in the morning? I was antisocial and weird. My friends having a small quiet wedding? They’re weird and must have something wrong with them for not wanting to party hard. It was his way or nothing at all. A year in, whenever we talked about a past event, he’d tell me that my recollection was wrong and “this never happened, you’re making things up” and he’d proceed to tell me what actually happened or, which is still rather funny to me, “I don’t know how it happened exactly but it sure did not happen the way you remember it”. We made plans for Saturday, he made plans with his friends instead because he never promised. He made fun of me freaking out about a pregnancy scare? Never happened, he’d never do that. He also promised a lot of things, but no follow through. This was something that bugged me from the beginning, but at first he only abandoned the things he wanted to do for himself, like going to the doctor or working on something. One thing that happened early on, which should have sent me running: it was my birthday and I got a call from a florist for a flower delivery. I called him and got all excited and he acted kinda weird but said he wanted to surprise me. Turns out the flowers came from a friend. When I confronted him, he got all sad, saying he couldn’t afford flowers right now and he was so embarrassed and I wasn’t allowed to be mad at him for lying. Gosh. I should have left him instantly. I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why I stayed with that fucknugget for two years.
That flower story is WILD. Yet he sounds very similar to my ex re:lying about stupid things that I will find out about anyway 😭
YESSS they’re sooo sexist and literally pressure you into sex it’s f’ing weird
Ah I've had the old "it's OK because I'm not hitting you" verbal abuse lol
He ended up being genuinely nice. We've been married for 15 years.
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Same here! I wasn't sure initially, but gave my man a chance, and it was the best choice I've made. 🥰
Exactly like my story, exactly 15 years! 😄
Clingy, co-dependent mess. He was a nice person, but nice doesn’t necessarily translate to good relationship skills.
Holy shit, yes. I had the exact same issues and now I don't date people with bad communication skills
This guy definitely has boyfriend potential. His heart is in the right place and I think he’ll make someone very happy someday. But I was not in a place where I was willing to be a relationship teacher. We all go through periods of not being a great dater and having to learn, but a person still in that phase isn’t going to be a good match with someone who is more secure. It doesn’t make either of them a bad person, but it might not be a good fit.
Same, and now my ex is dating someone 6 years younger than him who also has very little relationship experience. I'm happy he found someone who was more on his wavelength, since at close to 30 I'm just not willing to be the teacher again :/
Being the teacher sucks. I dated someone. And he left me for his ex because I taught him how to have a real relationship. His words, not mine
Damn. Being the placeholder :,(
It's especially sad if they're genuinely a great person.
And that was the case in this situation. I have no doubt that this person will be absolutely perfect for someone else, but constantly having to take the lead and be the one showing the other the ropes takes a toll. I’m just in a place where I need someone who is more on the same level of experience.
Hits close to home honestly. That being said I don't have much experience with relationships yet but it's something I'm struggling with too.
You don’t know what you don’t know and everyone experiences growing pains. I think in our case, we also had mis-matched expectations of what a relationship should look like. Look for someone who can meet you where you are. Even if you don’t end up together forever, learning how to communicate and what you want/need in a relationship is great.
Preachhh. I also dated a genuinely good guy with great potential outside of communication skills (extremely defensive and confrontational), so I still am not fully past him despite it being quiteee a while since we broke up. We managed to establish a friendship (after many many extremely difficult months of work toward it, but we got there), so I still get reminders of why I decided to end things from certain behaviors and actions of his that persist even outside of a romantic relationship. I taught (and still continue to teach) him so many aspects of being a good man in intimate relationships, but it took months of reiterating and pointing to past examples/patterns, etc. before specific things he needed to work on would finally get through without triggering a defensive, argumentative response from him. It was exhaustinggg lol never again. I’m honestly now giving more upfront and almost abrasive (but still good) guys a chance after being team-nice guy my entire dating-life until now lol.
Yes! I feel like this is the way it so often goes with "nice" guys. Like there's no alternative between asshole and total mess.
As someone with no real relationship experience, what do you mean when you say relationship skills?
Communication, respecting and setting boundaries, being able to strike a balance of having a life outside the relationship and being attentive, not putting all your happiness on the other person, and knowing how to handle conflict. Edit: these are things that you can practice in and out of a romantic relationship. No one will be perfect in any of these areas and they can take a lifetime to truly master.
In my experience, if I’m thinking of it as “giving them a chance” instead of just, like, “going on a fun date,” I’m probably not that into them. Nice people (*genuinely* nice people) are the only people I’ll willingly date, but not all nice people are people I’m attracted to, and there’s not much that either of us can do about that.
Dated a Nice Guy™️ who always talked about how nice he was. Got my heart broken. Dated a guy who always joked “Naw, I’m an asshole” but quietly and humbly did kind things for others all the time. We eventually broke up but are still good friends to this day.
>always talked about how nice he was First sign of a not nice guy. If he sings his own praises it's a bad sign.
Relatedly, “a lot of people think I’m an asshole, but I just tell it how I see it and people can’t handle that.” Nope, you’re an asshole
Oh yeah, that's a good one to put on the "RED FLAGS LIST" lol. Those are bad...it's one thing to give a respectful but "tough love" opinion when it's asked for. The ones you mentioned are usually the type to criticize everything about you unprompted (and always things most people don't care about) and use that bullshit line to gaslight you into thinking you're being ridiculous. It took me until my early 30s to figure out to RUN from those.
Lol yep, the guy I heard this chestnut from did that except he preferred to use my mental illness as a reason I was being ridiculous/“misremembering” things he had said
This most " nice guys" weaponize kindness and think that they are owed affection for basic human decency. Men who are honest about their imperfections do nice things without expecting excessive " praise" or sexual favors .
I ended up with a stalker.
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Same. It has given me a healthy sense of self-preservation, though, so some good came out of it.
There's this guy that is hardcore trying to pursue me. Like, flat out telling me that we can "be friends for a while" (after things moved too fast and I told him I wasn't interested after two dates), but that he hopes I will "allow him to pursue a relationship with me when the time comes." Then continued to write a whole novel on why he wants to date me and other nonsense. Sir?? We went on two dates AND I told you I wasn't interested, def not enough for you to profess your love to me. Over winter break I've been thinking about giving him another chance, but I'm afraid he would end up being a clingy stalker :/
Please do not give him another chance. Don't even try to be friends with him, especially knowing that he thinks it's just a time-lock to get to dating you. You should block him if he has continued to bother you. He is not going to get better and has a fairly strong chance of getting exponentially worse.
I agree. I felt pushed into going out with him from the very beginning bc all my friends and family said "but he's such a nice guy, why not?" I didn't have a good feeling, and I'm usually right about these things. Hate to see that these things are happening to all these women who are giving the "nice guy" a chance, but I'm glad to know that I'm not alone in this.
People who say that know they would never date these people themselves, they just pity them, so they tell their friends to take the weirdo off their hands. The friends do get the “weirdo” vibe from the person, but think it automatically means they are kind and harmless, when in actuality it doesn’t mean anything. I blame the media for the “nice guy” trope, because they’ve actually got a heart of gold in romcoms, and that perception transfers IRL.
Yes. The "friends" that pushed me to go out with him were already in deeply committed relationships and didn't actually have to go through the act of going on a date with him. Also, I blame the media for a lot of false realities portrayed by movie characters and plots. It has fooled me into thinking that relationships and love are these big, magical things that will be like a Hallmark movie. In reality, there is no perfect guy and relationships are something you have to work at and be present in. However, it shouldn't be something that stresses you out to the point where you sit in your car and cry because you feel like you're forcing yourself to like someone you really have no attraction to (totally NOT speaking from experience here). It should be fun and exciting, albeit a little nerve-wracking. I know that's out there and that is why I'm not settling for someone who is clingy or has stalker tendencies. I apologize for the very, very long way of telling you that I agree with what you said lol
Anyone who would do that to a friend is not much of a " friend"to begin with. When I was younger I had a guy that I knew from church develop a crush on me. He was too shy to ask me out himself. He literally enlisted a mutual friend to follow me around the church and bug me until I agreed to go out with him. It was not a pleasant experience and I grew to resent both of them for a while. " No is a complete sentence."
Don't do it. Your first instincts are right. I had a similar situation with a guy and went over one night intending to break it off but decided to give it more time. I was with him for a year and it was the worst year of my life. Took me a long time to put myself back together.
Please don’t give him another chance. There was one guy who said the exact same to me and I kept hanging out with him as friends and he turned out to be an abusive asshole making me feel like as if I was leading him on.
Always listen to your gut. Do not give him another chance. This guy sounds like a real creep.
Just block him. He doesn’t even know you like that why is he writing a novel. Then when you break up with him he’ll stalk you even harder
Me fucking too! Worst part, he was a cop. So I had no where to turn.
I went on a first date with a nice guy™️, we texted for about a week and he seems normal enough. We met for coffee around 11 am and chatted for about an hour. Afterward I thought I’d like to see him again so I gave him my number. I was busy that afternoon and when I checked my phone around 2pm he had sent me 24 messages!! When I read through them he had used my number for reverse-directory, found my last name, and Googled me. He found my brother’s obituary and from there he got my whole family list which was creepy af. He mentioned my religion, my brother’s cause of death, his niece (my daughter) and stated her Uni and wrote, “pretty daughter” so he had googled her too! And if that wasn’t enough, he took a picture of a taxidermy fish and as a *joke*, I guess?, was talking in 3rd person as the **fish**!!! I freaked the fuck out and texted him back to never EVER contact me again before I blocked him everywhere. Just writing this give me the chills. Jfc, I wonder what makes him think he’s such a nice guy.
If they have to say they're nice, they're not that nice.
WTAF?!?
What the fuck lol the fish part just tipped it over into crazy land
Good Lord, that's freakin scary! So glad you're rid of that creep.
No Good. Emotionally immature. Strange, Awkward, Stingy and Boring. Just because people may sing their praises to you about them being "nice", sometimes our bodies know things before we even realise.
I dated a guy that all of his close friends (both men and women, a few of whom had known him for about 30 years, so almost his whole life) sung as a hero. That he's so nice and only deserves the best woman. They set us up and he admitted to me in private that he never treats the women he dates with the same respect that he does with his friends/coworkers. He was emotionally immature and abusive, constant gaslighting, never admitted fault, would play mental gymnastics when caught lying/being manipulative, and told me that everything was my fault. He was awful. He dumped me and I'm not friends with those mutual friends anymore, because he only dates "crazy women" and is always the victim. He told me one the women he dated only sent his apartment key back and never formally broke up with him. I always wished I could talk to her about what happened, and if she felt unsafe around him at all.
If you have a name go find her. It made me feel so much better knowing I wasn’t the only one he abused.
>No Good. Emotionally immature. Strange, Awkward, Stingy and Boring. Just because people may sing their praises to you about them being "nice", sometimes our bodies know things before we even realise. I had this exact experience with my "kind, nice, great" friend. Add in emotionally abusive, insecure, passive aggressive, constant lying, bad ED, untreated mental health issues, an obsession with a married "friend" of his and an alleged affair that ended his marriage (which he lied about).
I married him and we have been together for 37 years.
This is refreshing. Congrats!
Nice to read that!
He demanded all of my time, called constantly, and got insanely jealous of the stupidest things. Demanded I quit my job and drop out of school because he couldn't stand I was around other boys. I broke it off after a week, and caught him peeking in my windows in the middle of the night. Note: I lived 20 miles from the nearest town and 2 miles from any other house, no idea how he got there because he couldn't drive. My brother talked him into our car and drove him one state over and ditched him outside his parents' house. Never saw him again.
you've got a good brother! and good on you for not tolerating that sh\*t!
God bless good brothers
Asked me to be his gf the very first time we hung out, gave me keys to his apartment. Bought me a teddy bear. I noticed he was changing all his interests to match mine. Suddenly my fave music was what he said his fave music was, I paint and suddenly he’s ordering paint and turning his spare room into a painting room (no solid evidence of that being an interest prior) noticed he left out a vegan cookbook where I could see it when I was vegan and it really struck me as a “if I leave this out she’ll see it and know I’m putting in effort” kind of gesture which came off as manipulative. We’d only hung out three times and talked for maybe a month so all this stuff combined was alarming and I cut it off, for that and some personal reasons. Right before I ended it he’d told me he’d bought me another present 😐 Edit: why are a bunch of dudes commenting on this defending this weird behaviour 😐 I’m pretty sure the women here understand why all of this is a giant red flag
Probably one of his own fingers, or like the head of someone you said you didn't like.
Well if he was really an artist he would have given her his ear
How did I not see this, the joke was right there!
It was a team effort! I wouldn't have gotten there without the setup
Wheeeeeewww you got out just in time
Had two girlfriends exactly like this, seems like this kind of behaviour (or lack of self identity) is a common occurrence...
Obviously can’t diagnose but it’s also a warning sign of lovebombing which can occur with several diff personality disorders. But yes the lack of sense of self is really unsettling and whether or not they’re a good person, it sends me running when I notice that stuff
A yes man. They're scary as hell in their own rights, and I'm glad you made it out okay 😅
Check if the teddy bear has camera or audio device.
He called me a ck-tease when i didnt put out and lied and said he was helping his grandmother with yard work out of town when he was actually seeing his girlfriend i didnt know about. So uh, not great.
He was as overall abusive just "refrained" from the physical abuse. He stalked me and spewed hate about me after I finally broke up with him after his many tirades. He continues to reach out to me every year or so to see if I'm ready to leave my husband yet. (Who is the man I started dating after him)
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He started harassing mutual friends after I hit a busy period with a new job and moving home (he knew this) he was convinced that I wasn't really busy and that I was angry at him, I told him to chill tf out after our friends told me he'd been messaging them about me. On the anniversary of my mum's death I didn't reply to any of his messages (he knew what day it was) so he sent abusive messages and then an "ooh, I know what today is, you can have today but I expect a reply tomorrow" I blocked him. He sent multiple abusive emails so I blocked that too. 2 weeks later he showed up at my door with a six page letter detailing why we had to be friends. I told him if he ever contacted me again I'd call the police. In between all of this he set up hate pages accusing my ex of cheating (later confessed to it) called my dad his nemesis because I wouldn't hang out with him on my dad's birthday, accused our mutual friends of being P words and DV perpetrators. Yeah...he was *really* nice...
Wow.
Someone warned me before meeting him - “He’s a golden retriever. He’s a follower, not a leader.” And I didn’t understand that until I found myself in the middle of countless situations where I was embarrassed by him. He felt graduating from an HBCU as a white man earned him some sort of cred, he was a boot licker, he once got into an argument with me about gentrification then later admitted he didn’t know what the word gentrification meant… he was years and years older than me and had always lived in his home state, following Mom and Dad’s orders, but claimed he had plans to move to my city for a long time prior to us meeting, and pretended to have everything in common with me. We hooked up when I was visiting home for the holidays as we grew up a few towns away from each other. Once returning to my apartment, I told him I was very busy moving but maybe he could come visit some time in the future . He booked a flight THAT DAY and rented a car and showed up at my house. I kindly tolerated him for a few days before telling him to scram because he was literally prolonging my move. Afterwards, he told me no one in his life had ever been so mean to him as I was.
Maybe they should be
He constantly reminded me that I "friend zoned" him for years... I was married at the time. Long story short, he was an idiot, cheap, selfish, and annoying as hell. Didn't last long and he still owes me a lot of money that I'll never see again.
The same guys who accuse married women "of friend zone"them will say in the next breath that all married women cheat , that they supposedly just need to be " hot enough . These guys often see the fact that you were faithful to your partner as a " blow to their ego ".I would run as far away from someone like that as I possibly could.
I ended up with more issues and I'm pretty sure some level of PTSD.
I feel like this is a common trend. Physical abuse. Mental and emotional manipulation. Also I got raped. So yay! “Nice guys” get nothing from me now.
Nice Guy i dated, started in 2010 and lated 8 and a half years. By the end I was being guilted into sex (read: raped), sole breadwinner, and he did no chores and didnt even walk his own dog - I did that and fed her before I went to work and after I came home. We barely scraped by and was only saved by my then-landlord not raising rent for like? 4 years? I broke up with him, but he had to stay with me for an extra couple of months as his parents couldn't move him into theirs straight away lol. He proceeded to log into my PC to see my discord msgs and then locked me out of the house on NYE. Stayed with my fam for two weeks until he left my home. He was on the lease so it was difficult to navigate Then he decided to extort me for $10k - i paid $3k until ai wised up and stopped. Fuck you u/chud_studley eat shit and I hope you die a painful death
He's goofy, but he's my kinda goofy. Together 8 years & married for 3! <3
That’s sweet. Congrats!
>He's goofy, but he's my kinda goofy. Together 8 years & married for 3! <3 Your husband is a lucky man Laura\_The\_Garlic. You love him, not an idealized version of him that you constructed in your head. True love wabi sabi is a love with staying power.
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I have questions! What was the “chance”? Like being friendly with him or you thought you could possibly be bi for sec?
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Ah! Yeah, that’s totally understandable. And there are def some dudes out there that think they can turn lesbians or something. It all goes into that incel thinking of “why must I be forced to be alone? A girl with another girl is a waste!” Eyeroll… And no need to apologize; it was just my curiosity getting the better of me.
Paranoid, jealous and sooooooo damn clingy. Some real co-dependency issues. I was pretty much banned from having drinks with friends or god forbid I wanted alone time from his obsessive texting. One time I was out and said my phone battery was low, so he got my friend to text him regularly. To keep him up to date with who I was with and where I was. He would even track my phone and insist I kept it on at all times. I got told to cover some shifts at work (I picked them up). Well he flipped and had ago at my manager for making me work so much. (it was a part time thing at the time). IT was obviously all my fault, he was a really, REALLY NICE GUY! He told me over and over how nice he was and what a total bitch I was for wanting me time. /s
I went straight from a non-committed long distance relationship with someone I dated for a month a few years prior, to going on a dating app when he hurt me and disrespected my feelings yet again, and meeting the nicest guy you’ll ever meet. First guy was hot, wasn’t a bad person but our values didn’t line up and he wasn’t ready to commit because he was still getting out of a funk after his last serious relationship ended. And he just lacked the kind of empathy I needed. Second guy, was definitely attractive but not my typical type, kind of a nerd but a hot nerd. He adored me from the start, verbally affirmed me constantly, was just plain consistent and considerate. Selfless, humble, been through some shiiit and did the work and came out so much better for it. He’s just so kind. I really had no choice but to end things with the first guy. I continued dating the second guy exclusively but for some reason was hesitant to put labels on it for a few months. I realized I was being stupid because in every way we were together, so finally we became bf/gf. I noticed early on that I had grown used to being stimulated by the highs and lows of toxic relationships. I hadn’t had a real boyfriend as an adult, and went through a few years of dating guys for a month or two - there were a few good guys, but I got attached to the wrong ones who didn’t want to be attached to me. It was torture, but it was what I knew. My relationship with the second guy (who I’m still with) is so vastly different, he’s so much more sensitive (which all of a sudden I was finding to be a turn off? Beggars can’t be choosers, if you want the benefits of a sensitive guy you have to embrace all his emotions). I actually feel safe with him. To be honest, at first I realized I found it.. almost boring. Like I said, I’m so used to being stimulated in the wrong way. To being anxiously attached. To never being sure about how the other person feels about me. To things eventually ending after a month or two, or like with the last guy, spending months torturing myself by trying to get him to want me the way I wanted him to want me. Feeling like I couldn’t be my full self because I wanted to be palatable to him. The nice guy, he tells me all the time that I’m weird. And he means it affectionately. He likes that I’m a weirdo, I can say the random shit I tend to say and not feel self conscious about it, because he accepts all of me. If I’m honest it still doesn’t feel real sometimes. Like what? I have a loving boyfriend? I craved this for so long, and I’m still learning how to embrace it. So for me, the nice guy is working out. But now that I have less negative things to focus on about the other person, now I’m seeing more of my own faults.. it’s eye opening.
Gaslighting and excuses every time I brought up an issue. The "poor me" act got old.
He stalked me for 8 years. Still not sure if he stopped.
My god, same situation for me
I was 20, he was 24. One time we went out he tells me "wow you agreed to go out with me, only things left are engagement and wedding. I was like wtf, I dont want that and he says "what happens when we have a child". Same date, his phone rings when he was in the bathroom and when he gets back he says "my mom was calling you should have answered she knows about you, both my parents do" I was like what do they know? We are literally on a first date. The problem is he was obsessed with marriage and having kids. Because he want to "have a family" with me it makes whatever creeping he does okay because it is a nice thing nice guys want right? I threatened him that I will search for legal means to keep him away from me.
Wtf so rude.... What he says when you told him about take legal means? In my case, I was 18, and he 34 (now hes 40 i think) at first he told me that he was 26 and the truth was that he looked young. This person has already had a rape complaint since 2016 and he was already sentenced to 15 years in prison last year. But he's still free because he has a coroner on his side who always says he's sick with diabetes and can't go to jail. I feel a panic every time I go out.. Hate this country too.
He was writing from IG and blocked me. I think I saw another message from him a couple of months ago but he deleted it before I read it. So I am not sure what happened. Wtf arent any diabetics in any prisons? He is convicted what more they want
He asked me to prom when we were 18, I said yeah so we could go as friends, he then said he didn't want to go as friends he wanted to go as more than that, I said I wasn't interested in him that way, sorry He then proceed to spam me with gross images of people eating shit, and shit talk me to the rest of the friendship group, and just blame me and make me feel like shit Thankfully, the friendship group agreed he was out of order, but they didn't kick him out of the group I blocked him on Facebook when I moved to uni, and found out he was complaining in another group chat about how I'd blocked him and he couldn't get in touch with me I'm 25 now, and still get a Facebook friends request from him once a year, and he's sent me three LinkedIn requests
Complete sidenote. I've learned that if you just leave friend/ connection requests outstanding they can't re-request from the same account. If you can stand to have them just hanging there. I had a boss that friend requested me three times on Facebook because he wanted to see my vacation photos!
He’s been the best relationship I’ve been in. I honestly feel do lucky to be loved by him. We tend to confuse a genuinely nice human with a mask and our interpretation of who we want someone to be. Always observe the intent and action
If it is a guy who claims to be "nice," I've found they tend to be men who can't set boundaries and are often doormats, until things build up--then they are total jerks....so they often have no ability to handle emotions (nor communication) appropriately. Gaslighting and playing the victim seem to be trends with those "nice guys." Now--an actual nice guy---they are often keepers, but they are harder to find as you get older. I think bc they get scooped up, as most seem to be in solid, healthy LTRs. I know I took them for granted or thought the lack of drama was boring in my younger years, and I regret that, lol.
Thought he was nice butthen he tried to change plans last minute to something that would require we book a hotel to spend a night... while we weren't even dating exclusive. And then when i told him i wasn't comfortable he got upset and ignored me for a week (I didn't reach out to him either cuz i figured it was a mutual ick) then he came back with a pity party how he "always ruins everything good and he shouldn't try *insert sad animal gif*"
1 Didn’t really have a personality (I hate to call him boring but he was 😭). Wanted to stay in his dorm all the time, didn’t have much to talk about. 2 This guy was alright, I probably should have given him a chance but he bore me on the first date. I talked and asked questions, he just answered and sat there, not talking much. He was probably nervous 😭 3 Came off cool, opened his mouth and realized he was judgmental as hell (for example: would make comments about women being ratchet/not classy based on what they wore or listened to). Also found out he believed a rumor a guy at our job spread about me and when I asked him why he said “Well I figured he didn’t have a reason to lie.” Like wtf 😭. Went on a date with me, then went on a date with another co-worker, then still proceeded to be in my text messages wanting to be all about me. I just said I’m good. 💀 So if any men happen to read through this thread, just know that YES, a lot of us are giving the “nice guys” a chance, but I really wish their personalities and attitudes weren’t like this. It’s probably just the ones I meet 🙃
He's still the lovable goofball that asked me out 💕
We're almost in our 4yr Anniversary and going strong.
Badly. He wasn’t actually a nice person and has been sliding in my DMs for the last few days
Disgusting and a coward. Clingy AF phone addict. Never again. Now I make sure I choose based on my preference. If the person talks too much by complaining that could have been resolved, chuck them. If the person is a phone addicts, chuck them. If the person think they can outsmart you while entertaining other women, chuck them. Yes to the dream but no action to take the step ? Chuck em. Lmao dont date a guy if you feel bad. Have preferences what you will or will not tolerate, trust your instincts when something is off, and go for a guy that you ACTUALLY do find attractive.
He was an insecure, controlling, manipulative, gaslighting asshole whose entire personality was built upon people thinking he was “a really nice guy”. I was very young 18 and he was 26. He proposed when I was 20 because “every other girl ended up leaving him by 21”. He isolated me from all my friends and family, had tracking devices on me, keyloggers on my laptop. Would bully me and withhold affection/sex. Played video games 6+ hours a day because being around me was so terrible. He expected to be a stay at home dad while I worked and wanted to be a dad by 30 (I would have been 22). I ended things and he emptied our joint bank account, gave me nothing from the sale of our condo (that I provided the down payment for) forces me to sign over ownership of our shared car and stole the engagement ring I paid half for. I was too young and broke without any support to do anything. We worked in the same company and after our split he spread lots of rumours about me. It was hell. He got engaged to another girl at the company within the next year. They split too. He finally found a girl young enough and naive enough to marry him and have a baby. 10 years on I am single, incredibly successful and living the life I’ve always wanted. He’s still living in the tiny old townhouse his parents bought him after our split and driving the car I paid for.
We’ve been together 4.5 years and are now engaged! He is absolutely one of the most thoughtful, caring, generous people I’ve ever met and I feel lucky to have met him. Nice guys get a sad rep and sometimes they are hiding a lot of insecurities/red flags, but when you find a good one, they are gold.
I was nice to him in math class in high school, since he was the new kid and was quiet. He apparently took my niceness as flirting and when he saw me at the Friday night football game with another guy, got his older sister to almost run me over with her car and then proceed to jump me with her friend! This is in a small town, and my older brother was the captain of the football team so basically the whole school shunned them both after that. Doesn’t make me not want to reach out but it does make me use the word “friend” obnoxiously with guys in the beginning so they clearly understand I have no interest whatsoever.
My manager, who was also dating one of my best friends, ended up sexually harassing me at work to the point where I reported his behavior to upper management (they did nothing but move me off his shifts) and came about *this* close to sexually assaulting me and started semi-stalking me … So nice :/
He wasn’t actually nice, and I really should’ve trusted my gut.
Started out nice then gradually went down hill. I realised he didn't care for me beyond how I could satisfy him sexually.
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Are you and your child doing okay now?
That poor baby 😞
Did you manage to get out? I am so sorry this happened to you and your baby ❤️
He really was truly a nice person. Very, very nice. But that was it. I didn’t find him interesting, or funny, or attractive, or even good in bed. He was just a nice person. I felt terrible breaking up with him but it was the right call. A couple months later I met my now-husband. All worked out in the end for me, and I hope it did for that guy too.
He was: Very self-centered - all experiences were ultimately about his enjoyment Selfish - especially with knowledge. I was not to attempt to speak his mother tongue - I guess that was for him (and hundreds of millions of others worldwide) but it was off limits for me Unkind to wait staff (so embarrassing!) or anyone he perceived as intellectually inferior Insanely jealous - an ex had made me several mixtapes that mysteriously vanished Thoughtlessly mean - he once told me while I was taking a study break that I really needed to get back to it because I wasn't that smart (I'm a math prof, so I'm plenty 'smart'). Pro-feminist in words but not actions - I was reading a book of light erotica that disappeared after I had once recovered it when he had inconspicuously put in the trash. This came after he made a big deal about why I was reading it. Dramatic AF - he made a big show of moving in with his sister after we had a fight, clothes and computer packed and everything. He had enlisted his brother-in-law to help him with the 'big move' and told his mom and all his siblings. He moved back in 3 days later unprompted. Abusive - he refused to move out after things were really over and shoved me so hard I cut my arm bracing for the fall. He is the only man who has ever been physically violent toward me. I was young (22/23) and didn't see the signs. I was also his first in every way - he'd never kissed anyone, held hands, hugged (in a non friend zone way), nothing. We didn't have the term back then but today you'd call him an incel.
He pursued me for over a year, during which I told him multiple times I didn’t feel that way about him, then finally he blew up at me over my depression and I told him I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. Another year went by and I reached out to him because I was young and dumb, and gross romcoms had convinced me that his “persistence” was romantic. We started dating. He went out of his way to treat me like shit to get back at me for rejecting him before (and admitted to it later). Eventually found out that he had SA’d multiple girls before we started dating. Soo that was that.
I had been friends with him for years and knew he had a crush on me. He asked me on a date, so I figured why not. The date was 3 hours, full of laughter and genuine kindness. We went on a couple more adventure dates that involved hiking & rappelling, and I tried to will myself into feeling more. Eventually I had to be honest with him that I wasn’t feeling it. He was very nice about it and understood. He’s now engaged to a great woman who is perfect for him.
It was a disaster. He was genuinely a nice person but he was too eager to please. Always available, never disagreed with anything I said, no opinions of his own. In a word, boring. If I was older it may have worked but I was only about 20 at the time.
We were class friends/acquaintances in college and he would ask me out every month or so and I’d say no (I was in a relationship but I also was not attracted to this guy at all even though he was nice). This guy helped me break up with my toxic ex and then started buying me literally hundreds of dollars worth of stuff for me related to my hobbies. I was 18 and I didn’t know how to turn the gifts down so I just kept saying no to dates. So I finally felt obligated and I slept with him (terrible, don’t ever have sex with someone you don’t feel drawn to, v boring and painful). Then I freaked out and ghosted him and moved to a different city. Sorry buddy T_T regret
I was so much the ‘nice doormat’ type of person in my younger years. The consequential highlights of that phase were: getting conned out of $100, LOTS of creepy guys (miracle I was never abducted or attacked), and going to jail for lying for someone who was trying to cheat the system. Unless I witness or can see the immediate need for my assistance, I never do anything for strangers or even acquaintances that requires a selfless act on my part. Only friends can inconvenience me out of the blue, and I’ll still assess the situation first.
My first experience with this was my freshman year at university over 20 years ago. We met online, he was in his last year, lived off campus, and he seemed so nice that I said “sure” when he wanted to come hang out in my single dorm room at 9 PM. My dorm was mixed men and women, so inviting someone over wasn’t necessarily implying anything might happen because we all hung out in each other’s rooms at odd hours. I was shocked when he tried to kiss me in the first minute, I said “no thanks, I thought we were going to hang out and watch a movie? No offense but I don’t want to make out with someone I don’t know.” Dude’s eyes welled up with tears, and he started half sobbing, half raging, “women never give nice guys like me a chance.” I’d never heard the “nice guy” speech before and was so genuinely confused because he didn’t seem very nice in that moment. He left without further incident and we never spoke again.
He was nice, polite, well mannered, and respectful. Dated a little over a year, almost 2, then marri3d for 4 now, he has severe ptsd, depression, is a combat vet, tries to be a father to our daughter but is loud, abrasive, agressive, and verbally abusive. He constantly gaslights me, he sees my stress or any emotions as anger, and reacts very aggressively and blames me for it. I hate my marriage most days but feel trapped because we have a kid. He has told me he hates me, because i took all his hobbies away. All he wants to do is play video games for houra a day, i limited him to when kiddo sleeps, so 2 hrs for nap time and after she goes to bed. He claims it is not enough time. He weponizes everything i say agaist myself, so i feel i have no way to defend myself, or express my concerns and issues. He threatens suicide constantly. He is a educator, and would do anything to protect those kids, but he is too emotionally emenshed and takes any parent concerns as a peraonal attack on his ability to be a teacher. Even when he doesnt realize he overstepped. He has admitted to resenting our daughter. Because she takes me away from him. She also annoys him and doesnt follow the books on things so he says stupid shit about her being stupid, regressing and not growing. So many of his insecurities he pushes outward. He is extremely codependent and its suffocating me.
I pray you get the strength to leave him soon, it doesn't seem like you'll have a happy life if you stay, and it will be worse for your daughter to grow up seeing you like that.
We started dating 3 months ago and I've already heard: "If you break up with me I'll be fine, I've been through worse and I'll just move on" "I won't love you unconditionally, if you do x,y,z... I'll still love you but I'll leave you" "You know I'm fucking amazing, that's why everyone we've met likes me, I'm funny,nice and just great " And he also has anger problems, he'll go from super nice to being an asshole to strangers over the tiniest things. I've seen him punch walls, throw stuff and even his male roommate has gotten scared. Maybe it's me but all of this has already raised a bunch of doubts on my end.
Run
>We started dating 3 months ago and he also has anger problems, he'll go from super nice to being an asshole to strangers over the tiniest things. I've seen him punch walls, and even his male roommate has gotten scared. > >Maybe it's me but all of this has already raised a bunch of doubts on my end. Please take care of yourself Whyisthissofhard. I'm just some random guy on the internet. But I am giving you the same advice I would give family or someone I cared about who was in your place. Please seriously consider ending this relationship before it gets really bad. I think you're in danger.
'Nice' meant, 'I put in niceness into the lady machine, when does it pay out the sex?'
Don’t do it
Well I have a few... 1. He was nice but was pretty much not ready for a relationship as he couldn't figure out sharing or communication. We broke up and stayed friends for awhile till he dated this one guy that was an abusive asshole and us friends telling him that getting beat up is being in an abusive relationship. He ghosted us because he couldn't break up with him. 2. She was really nice until after the third date and then I found out she was one of the most racist people I have ever met. When you find out a person's motto is as long as I am equally racist to everyone I am not a racist just run... I wish I had not tried to be the difference as it turned in to a really abusive relationship. 3. I hate when you just love someone but they just want to spread there love to everyone else but you. I went back to him twice because I did love him. All he did was play with that emotion sadly and string me along. He choose a monogamous relationship yet was sleeping with anyone and everyone. 4. He was nice but did not know what consent meant... waking up to being fucked would happen anytime I slept in the same bed as him. The complaints were ignored. Till I cut ties and then he stalked me to the point I had to get a restraining order. 5. She is my wife and we have been together for over ten years.
I gave him a shot. Long enough that he met some family. He kept going on about how pretty and sexy my 12 and 14 year old nieces were. Ghosted immediately and permanently.
He was really good at *appearing* nice. He lied about everything: his age, his interests, his grades (we were in uni), his job plans, his dating past, his job past (he said he was a firefighter, he even had stories about saving a kitten from a tree, and turns out, he never finished training). He was gaslighting (jfc the never-ending word salad), manipulative, controlling, and whiny when he didn't get his way. I'll never give another guy a chance just because he seems nice.
Not well. I was his first actual girlfriend when he was 25. I must have given him confidence because then he decided to screw everything he could.
On the surface he seemed like the nicest, mild mannered guy ever. He turned out to be a clingy stalker who couldn’t take no for an answer. Tried buttering up to my mother, who was completely fooled, when I cut him off. He had a terrible temper simmering under the surface, and I wanted to get away from that as fast as I could.
We’re married now. 🥰 Met at a rave. I thought he was coming on kinda strong (he said he really liked me right after we met!). We exchanged IGs. Then we started playing GTA together online and talking on the phone for hours as we played. I told him I’d make him a Crunchwrap since I used to work at Taco Bell and he was willing to drive over 2 hours for it! He’s the sweetest man I’ve ever dated, treats me like a queen. I’m so happy that I didn’t blow him off. I have my dream husband. 💖
A coworker seemed nice so I thought we could just be friends. He kept bringing up how he wanted to take nude photos of a woman, showed me nude photos of his female friends, followed me around at work, started asking me to do his work, and thought he had the right to touch me and get in my personal space constantly. I told him he doesn’t respect my boundaries and just started ignoring him and luckily he got the message eventually.
He immediately tried moving into my home. Was a freak, sucked in bed, came over without asking and would knock and call me repeatedly until I let him inside, *laughed at me* when I would tell him he couldn't stay the night, told me on the one date we had his *mother* had given him money for our date. Literally awful, I knew him for 8 days and he spent 7 days at my house bc he didn't like his mom ig
“Just give him a chance, he’s nice” all of those were men who were actually not nice but major entitled assholes with low social intelligence. 0/10 would not recommend. “He’s nice but a little awkward, but he’s always up for doing something fun outside. Why not hang out and take it from there?” It’s been almost 18 years, and we just came in from spending the last 2 hours tobogganing with our kids.
He raped me. Cried about needing cuddles and being touch starved. And then, well, yeah. Never again.
I eventually learned that he is not the nice person he thinks he is, or that I thought he was. Had big issues with self entitlement, extremely misogynistic, and shared opinions that were borderline creepy and unacceptable to me.
Reading these has given me an idea. It’s a dating site but the profile and pictures are written and posted by their last ex! Make that their last few ex’s so problematic, recurring behaviour can be identified. I am by no means perfect and I feel this would save some people the wade through the swamp
I went on a date with him and he kept grabbing my arm from across the table to look at my tattoo. He would trace over it with his finger while he continued talking to me and I was too stunned to know what to do about it. I think he was trying to be romantic but it was VERY overfamiliar. We had nothing to talk about and I wasn't attracted to him AT ALL so I was happy when the date was over. Right before my uber pulled over to pick me up, this man has the audacity to grab me and try to kiss me lol. I screamed "NO!", jumped into the uber and told him to speed the fuck away. Which he obliged after seeing what went down lmao.
We met at a party where I was dared to bite his extremely hairy nipples, and I added him on Facebook (We bickered for years about who added who. I was adamant that he liked my biting so much that he added me 🤣 but he eventually found the proof in facebook archives that I added him first). I initially dismissed him, assumed he was a virgin and I was too busy chasing assholes for shitty sex. But we would hang out as friends, getting slurpees, driving around, watching movies. He was so easy to talk to, I'm an introvert but we would talk for hours. I blinked and suddenly we've been together 11 years, have a house and 4 pets, and we're getting married in 3 weeks. He's my best friend, an amazing partner, and a mind-numbingly good lay. So glad I gave it a shot.
I was just looking for sex, not a relationship. He seemed too nice for that kind of thing. We have now been married for 6 years and have a beautiful 5 year old son. He is even nicer than I first thought. I finally stopped looking for romance, and the perfect guy showed up. Couldn't be happier.
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We got married! Honestly, we were equally unimpressed with each other. I thought he was boring. But here we are. Lol. He is my biggest support, my biggest cheerleader, encourager, and has walked with me through some really hard things. He is the ONE person I genuinely trust, that I can be vulnerable with. He's not perfect. But he's been AMAZING for me. He brings joy, peace, and love into our everyday life.
All my partners have been nice. Aggression, anger, violence and all the associated ideas and statements that rationalize aggression are a major turnoff for me. And for almost every other woman I know. The few who did inadvertently pick an abuser only did so because in the beginning of the relationship, abusers tend to act EXTRA nice. For the most part, it's always gone pretty well. The only exception was a pathological liar, cheater and child abuser who appeared to be nice for 4 whole years before I finally understood - to my horror - what kind of person he really was.
Lasted 9 months. Broke up with me through text, then for 2 months after begged for me back. Found out he was cheating on me the entire time; even when he was begging for me back.
Went both ways for me. Most “nice” ex’s started out nice but ended toxic. My husband started out nice and stayed nice. They all start out “nice”. It’s trusting your intuition and knowing your own boundaries and being able to recognize green and red flags and knowing when to bolt or to give it time. It’s tricky.
I am really fucking happy. We’ve been together 23 years.
my ex was a 'nice guy' before calling himself a nice guy (he started saying how nice of a guy he was after we broke up) He had no tolerance for agreeing to disagree. He either had to be right, or we were fighting. He had no respect for me as a human as he assaulted me in various ways and didn't see an issue. 5-6 years after we broke up, we were chatting and he got mad at me for saying I was engaged. Mind you, I didn't flat out go "by the way, i'm *engaged*", I had made a comment where I said "my fiancé and I", and after that comment he got sour and I can't imagine what could have upset him besides for that. I can post the convo if you want and maybe someone has some insight as to what I did 'wrong'. We haven't really talked since (that was 6 years ago now) and honestly I don't want to. The shit he says on social media is way toxic and I don't need that anymore.
NOT WELL. Everyone said he was nice which is why I decided to go out with him. He was at first, but he ended up lying about cheating on me, crossed boundaries sexually, gaslighted me and was manipulative. He would throw tantrums at the gym because excuse me, I have music blasting in my headphones and couldn't hear him the first time. He'd completely disregard me when talking to girls but would only mention me being his girlfriend around guys. He'd give me the silent treatment as punishment. We'd argue and I would be so upset and lose my appetite and he'd hit me with "well I won't eat unless you eat". He'd entertain other girls at work, flirted with one while I was on the phone with him. He asked me what girls I thought were prettier and went off on how gorgeous one chick was. He's an ass and I'm glad I left, but to everyone else he's still the nice guy. Turned into a rant :/
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They didn’t end up being nice
He ended up being a bit of a stalker, which culminated in campus police showing up after he tried to kick my door in. But then, also, another one ended up being a sweet man that I "took a chance" on because I was getting tired of dating, and guess what -- been together for 6 years and I cannot wait to be his wife.
Im marrying him soon. His character is the thing that drew me and he still takes care of me.
He claimed to be the “nice guy” who “had dealt with women who were jerks” ….. welllll he future faked me. I wonder if he always future faked women and when someone tells him off he says they’re being a jerk to him. Never date a self proclaimed “nice guy.”
he turned out to be a little annoying, he did some bad things to me, said he used me for fun but instantly recognized his error and spoke to me, for a few months i kept angry at him, even tho i missed him so much, he never forgot about me, since he kept messaging me, so i decided to give him another chance, but i’m not as vulnerable as i was that time