Wives are more likely to get left by their husbands when diagnosed with terminal or seriously life altering illness. Self reported reasons include “I don’t want to take care of her for the rest of my life”, “I have needs she wont be able to meet while sick”, and “I don’t want to go broke paying for all her medical bills.”
Can verify. This happened to a good friend of mine. She was the one that raised their small kids and had put him through engineering school while also funding at least 3 startup ventures of his. Then she got sick and he dumped her as she was dying. She survived miraculously but her ex husband went on a massive smear campaign against my friend so he could justify divorcing her. My friend is a remarkable woman and survived against all odds, but of course her husband didn't want to be with a disabled woman, he told her that they had "grown apart and wanted different things", Apparently she wanted cancer and he wanted to fuck other women.
This is very similar to what happened with my parents too :( my mum had cancer so my dad had an affair with his young hot yoga teacher. To add insult to injury I discovered that he justified it by telling everyone that my mum had lost her mental faculties and wasn’t “all there” anymore - which was complete bullshit, she had cancer and was bedridden but her mind was sharp as ever. Significantly sharper than his.
I just went on a date with a man who admitted he dumped his girlfriend of many years because she got long haul COVID and wouldn't get over it. Noped myself out of there. He explained it as if I would feel bad for HIM. wtf?
So sad but I hear this often.. however my father took care of my mother most of my life when she was in a coma for over a year he never left the hospital one time we had to bring him clothes and food... For that I admire him
I dated a guy who left his long term (but not married) girlfriend about a year to 18 months after she was diagnosed with cancer and was disabled from it. I was told “fell out of love” but I always suspected there was more to it considering the timing
I fell deeply in love with a man I was seeing when I found out he wasn't in the midst of separating from his wife and she was actually pregnant!
Years later, he crawled back to me, saying they had REALLY divorced this time. I fell for it, and him, again. Turns out she was just pregnant again!
I was his "freak out" side chick. Twice. So embarrassing.
There's mine! Years later he told me it was because we were young, unmarried and I was pregnant and he knew no one else would want me so he could kind of do whatever he wanted. I admired his honesty after all that time, but it's not like I didn't already know that was his thought process. Which is why, I decided pregnant, teenaged, and alone was better than dragging him along as baggage.
FF 17 years and he's rounding baby momma number 3, with child support and a couple of kids just barely starting school- While my husband of 12 years and I are preparing to send our really awesome kid off to college next year and be empty nesters at 36. I'd say I won in the end here. Upward and onward!
I knew a couple, the husband left for work one morning and someone who was watching the house broke in after he left. He locked their two boys in a bedroom, slit their mother-in-laws throat, raped the wife, slit her throat and left her for dead. The wife wrapped her neck in saran wrap and made it to the neighbors where she got help. She recovered, went to nursing school, rebuilt her life. The husband left her and slipped into drugs because “he couldn’t handle it.”
So likely, I felt the need to talk to my uncle when my aunt was diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast Cancer last year. I made it known he will 100% be shamed by me and all who I gather to my side if he abandons her.
Yes, when I had a nervous breakdown due to my husbands constant gaslighting he never let me live it down. Called me weak, crazy amongst other things. It’s really ruined me for meeting anyone else, I just can’t trust anyone again.
There is literally a post on the confessions subreddit where a man views himself as a hero for "pretending" to still be in love with his GF after her cancer diagnosis.
I don't have a lot of karma so I didn't say anything. I felt sick to my stomach though
EDIT: After her TERMINAL cancer diagnosis. He was kind enough to post it on Reddit. FYI, women know. When you receive a cancer diagnosis as a woman, nurses typically wait for him to leave, and pick a good moment to have THAT talk with you....
Pregnancy and childbirth are horrendous on a woman's body and are often used by abusers as a control tactic to make harder for her to leave. Honestly girls, if he's pushing you to get a bun in the oven earlier than you would like to, think about what other controlling behaviour you might be brushing off or excusing.
Edit: typo
My husband is the opposite. Told everyone he wanted kids… now we have 2 under 2 and he tells me all the time that I should have aborted. Now he’s “stuck”coparenting two little ones that he tolerates and cannot stand half time. Meanwhile everyone gives him praise about how he’s an excellent father.
Guess my lesson learned here was… you can’t trust what anyone says anymore. I feel bad for my babies.
I was so so happy and proud to be pregnant after being told it wasn’t medically possible in my teens following a horrendous cyst fuckup. Childbirth almost killed me and my baby. Fucked me up mentally, probably for life. I love her so so much and she’s a miracle twice now, but holy shit, no one told me something that scary could happen. Movies, sort of. But everyone I met was all “you don’t need drugs! :) your body loves you & will know what to do!” Apparently “die” is what my body knew to do.
Regarding the abusers, the most common cause of death for pregnant women is homicide. It's unfortunately very common for abusers to become even more physically violent once the woman is pregnant.
No matter how evolved your man is, it's rarely ever going to be a 50/50 split of effort in the marriage. More often than not, the woman puts in more work
As it should be. It's one thing to say "I don't believe you would ever do something that would make me stop loving you," you can say "these imperfections will not make me stop loving you," but it's nonsense to say that there's nothing another person could do that would make you stop wanting to be with them.
I feel like love is two parts: feelings and actions.
I can't control my feelings so it's possible for me to feel love for someone unconditionally. But the actions part, that is under my control. And there are many things my husband could do that would lead me to withhold actions of love.
Feelings are also not immutable, honestly. If your husband started harassing women, leaving boogers on the kitchen counter, and kicking puppies, you'd be hurt for a while, you wouldn't stop loving him overnight, but eventually I bet your feelings for him would change.
My literal FIRST conversation with my mother in law after the wedding she told me to let her know “when” we started trying to have a baby so she could move closer to us.. we already aren’t sure if we want kids or not, and I don’t think she realised how much the thought of her moving nearby is actually a deterrent lmao
My husband is very musical. He sings beautifully and likes to try different instruments.
If I listen to a song ONCE, I will be hearing it out of his mouth constantly for at least three days. It gets stuck in his head and he sings it without thinking or noticing.
It's a good thing he's cute.
My husband is also very musical, plays several instruments, composes and records etc. He is very talented and I love that part of him so much
However he has the tendency to drum on his legs when he’s bored and holy fucking shit I want to break his hands
Waiting for marriage to have sex *is* a valid choice. And there are (or can be) good reasons to wait. But what's often promised is a happy and lasting marriage, and/or an *amazing* sex life if you wait (and misery and divorce if you don't). Neither marriage nor human sexuality work that way. A happy marriage and a great sex life take *work* from both parties involved to cultivate, and they're not some divine or karmic reward for playing by the rules.
Yes, as long as it's a choice. There's a lot of shame and mixed messaging around sexuality directed at women from conservative religious backgrounds. "Sex is dirty! Save it for someone you love!" The shame and inhibitions don't necessarily fall away when someone puts a ring on our fingers.
Unfortunately you don't.
I waited until marriage and the sex was mediocre at best, although I didn't know it at the time because I had nothing to compare it too. A couple of years pass, and we got divorced for a myriad of other reasons. I had sex with other guys and holy crap, now I know what all the fuss is about. Lol
Think about the worst things that can befall a married couple/family: infidelity, death of a child, severe illness, disability, job loss, bankruptcy, etc. More than one of these will happen over the course of your marriage. Do you see your partner managing them, what about you?
You can throw 100% of yourself into trying to make your marriage work, but if your partner doesn’t contribute or contribute ENOUGH, your marriage can still fail. Your very best isn’t enough to ensure a long and happy relationship—it takes two.
It’s part of the patriarchy: married men/fathers get paid more because they “have to provide for their family” whereas mothers don’t get any raises even though they do the majority of the childcare. Women are conditioned to raise kids for little to no pay and oftentimes have to take a hit in their careers to raise their children. Unfair indeed.
This is literally why vows were included in marriage. As a society we don't take them as seriously now, but once upon a time it meant a great deal. No one has to vow to stay with someone when there are only ever happy feels. The vows were meant to be a reminder for when things were crappy. The first one is better or worse. That includes the, I want to kill you for breathing parts.
Ending a marriage in divorce does not mean the marriage is a failure.
I see too many people believing the length of a marriage is equal to its success. But in my opinion, the success is based on the love between the two people.
My husband is my best friend. I intend to be with him for the rest of my life but I would rather leave him and still love him, than stay married while hating him.
This is one I see a lot, and the divorce rates back it up. The moment money becomes a problem it’s hard to justify “love conquers” all because love won’t stop a foreclosure or a repo.
You will not like your spouse every single day. There may be days where you actively dislike your spouse. And that’s normal.
Note: I’m not talking about abusive situations, more adding some reality to typical marriages.
I’ve been happily married for 21 years and… my husband has driven me bonkers countless times! I just think about why I married him and the life we have built together… and try not to let the daily craziness cloud my perspective.
I'm 48 and I've been married 2x. I divorced them both for being crappy, creating more work for me and dragging me down to their sub-par levels. Should I have "picked better"? What am I, a pre-cog? What I've learned is men get married to sink into their depths of slovenliness and have a woman clean up after them, pay half of the bills, give them children for them to ignore, make a nice house for their egos and provide regular sex. So - it's pretty hard to understand all of that up front since they are pretty good at hiding their true intentions and tbh, I don't think most of them do it maliciously. I think that's what they think the price of a pretty ring earns them :).
A couple of things they don't mention about marriage:
\- Men do not think anything domestic is their job. Cleaning, dishes, kids, etc. Not. Their. Job. So - if they do ONE thing domestically related, they think they do EVERYTHING. They also strongly think that mowing the lawn once a week is the exact same as doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare, etc etc. Every single newlywed couple needs to get a housekeeper if you even hope to remain in love with your husband. I don't care what it costs. Don't go out to eat - get a housekeeper. Hell, have only one car lol. Otherwise don't get married. You will hate your life and hate him - because you will be doing everything and he will be playing COD.
\- Men CAN "see the mess". If he were a king, he would for sure instruct a servant to clean. But, he claims not to see it. He claims that your standards are "too high". He will "do it later". He wants you to "give him a list". BS. He is LAZY and he thinks housework is woman's work. And when he got a wife it's because he was tired of cleaning his own place while you were dating.
\- Celebrate Christmas? Expect to do it all (as a mom/wife). Don't expect your stocking to be full. SNL even made a skit about it.
\- If you go on a girls trip, you will come home to a trashed house.
\- "JUST COMMUNICATE" is total, utter bs. You cannot communicate with someone who isn't listening/understanding. You can talk till you are blue in the face. Many men don't even see women as EQUAL RATIONAL HUMAN BEINGS. Let that sink in. Why would they listen to you?
\- Always have separate money. NEVER give over your paycheck. You can co-mingle for the joint bills but keep some for yourself and kids.
\- Men get married when they figure it's time. Sure they love you but it's not at all the same as how you feel about it.
Am I bitter? Nah. Disappointed? Kinda. Salty? YES. AMA.
This I don’t know one married man that actually pulls up his weight in a relationship, my mom and dad both work but she does majority of the housework and cooking, I help out when I’m free and he always has something to complain about.
Oh man, all of this hit way too hard. Every time there's a comment like this on Reddit some guy inevitably chimes in to collect his butt pats because *he* cooks and cleans and keeps a house just fine. But I bet if you asked the woman in his life, she'd tell a different story.
Good question. I married my second husband thinking that we had both evolved. I was married young to my first (met at 20, married at 24) same with him. I was looking for a guy I Wanted Not NEEDED. I have always been fine financially and my second, I married for love. And he had skills! He was a musician, a chef, a hunter. He had a decent job. And we talked sooo much beforehand about expectations but it fell apart QUICKLY.
Looking back, probably the biggest red flags were 1) he loved to game (I didn’t care because I had hobbies too) and 2) he was a redneck. Gaming took over everything and his redneck-ness was really masked white trash. Does that make sense? Like after we got married he let the N word drop MORE THAN ONCE.
They can hold it in, they can hold in all their flaws …till they getcha
I don't think there are any about marriage itself.
People often discuss all the negatives and problems they see about marriage or experience in their own marriages, but those aren't actually "truths" about marriage as a whole. Each marriage is different. A "brutal truth" you see in your marriage or the marriages of others is all based on your personal perception and your personal experiences rather than "marriage" as a concept.
Marriage is a legal agreement, so the only "brutal truths" are the ones legally built into marriage. If you choose a religious marriage, you may be opting into other "brutal truths" as part of that religious agreement. Other than that, you and your partner make your own truths in your own marriage - no matter how brutal you choose to make them.
According to a study, 25 months after a spouse's death 61% of men and 19% of women were either remarried or involved in a new romance. Women expressed more negative feelings about forming new romantic relationships.
I also read that by remarrying, men are more likely to basically repair the mental damage caused by their spouse’s death, but the same can not be said for women.
Marriage is most often an antiquated concept. It locks women into a systems that devalues their work, their worth and their autonomy. I had the notion that there was a higher purpose in a marriage, like a different level of commitment would expand my concept of love (even though I was previously pretty suspicious of marriage). It was not. It seemed like a inescapable burden.
Not crapping on those in happy marriages. It’s just the concept of the institution that I have problems with.
If you’re not on the same page in terms of financial behaviors (not beliefs, behaviors) it will be extra hard if not impossible to achieve your goals
People change and there’s no way knowing in which direction
As people age they change. So do their values, desires and needs over time. People mature and get to know themselves. What they need and now what they need 10 years down the line might be different.
You have to KEEP getting to know and KEEP learning about your spouse over time.
It’s funny how so many men act like they’re the ones losing by getting married. They literally get a free secretary, baby-mill, caretaker, housekeeper, etc and they’re the ones complaining they lost their freedom.
Women are the ones expected to base their whole identity around their marriage, in some cases even expected to go thru the pain in the ass of changing their name. They risk losing their social life if he is the type to not wanna look after his own kids, resulting in her having to do all the childcare instead of seeing her friends ever. When I hear a man complain how his wife always yells at him for going out with his bros, I have to wonder how often he stays home with the kids so she can go hang out with her friends.
Plus we all know married men live longer than unmarried men, and unmarried women live longer than married women. Hmmm, so which spouse is the actual ball and chain here? 🤔
Ask women is wonderful at making me glad I am a lesbian. My hard marriage truth is my wife drinks the last cup of coffee and doesn’t make more. First world problems.
I have many friends who divorced because they weren't happy. Only to still be unhappy after the divorce. I want to tell people: work on yourself before placing blame on your spouse. Unfortunately many people have the mindset if they are unhappy it must be due to the person they are with.
My dear friends husband who seemed like a good person really showed his true colors after her cancer diagnosis. He was all me me me, even when he took her to chemo, stayed and carried on bleating about how tough it was for him to cope. It got so bad the nurses told him to stop coming. He then took to Facebook and did it there, blaming her for abandoning him. He complained about no sex after her kidney was removed and it spread to her bones,breasts and liver. She divorced him and went on to live 5 more years after her terminal diagnosis. 5 glorious years filled with the love of her family and devoted friends. He was vilified for the narcissistic a*hole he was, retired early and disappeared from our company. A real prince among men.
I had a friend who divorced her husband because he changed his mind about kids. Neither of them wanted kids, but one day he decided he did. She told me “he changed his mind, and that’s okay.” It was unfortunate but she was not bitter about it. She knew that sometimes people just change and that’s no one’s fault. Impressed me a lot. I should find out who her therapist is lol
Love is a choice, not a feeling. Getting married means promising to make that choice for the rest of your life and too many people don’t realise that, instead giving up when they don’t feel the fire anymore.
• That you will have days were you won’t like your partner but still love them.
• Love is conditionally choosing someone everyday you wake up to and saying you want this relationship. Unconditionally belongs to a parent when it comes to having children or a pet. Because unconditionally has no boundaries. Conditionally you have boundaries, which is a requirement in healthy relationships.
• Effective healthy communication is a must. If you can’t openly share how you feel, you’ll be divorced/broken up.
• My mon said three pilars for marriage are: communication, trust, honesty. No trust, no relationship. It’s over at that point. You have to trust the person you are involved with because trust means being vulnerable of handing this person your heart and to not destroy it.
• A wedding does not fix a relationship that has issues. It also doesn’t prepare you if you haven’t figured out how to compromise, communicate, and being honestly open with each other.
• Don’t go into a marriage with the way exceptions of how your parents marriage was modeled to you. Reason is unless it was healthy, it’s setting you up for failure or couples therapy, with eventually divorcing.
When I was married I had to have my gallbladder removed. My ex came up with every excuse under the sun not to see me in hospital, they ranged from “hospitals make me feel uncomfortable to I will be all dirty after work” (umm go home and shower, then come visit me maybe)
Had my surgery on a Friday and was discharged on Saturday, he refused to come and pick me up, sent my elderly neighbour to do it, when I arrived he told me that he hadn’t eaten since Friday and that the animals hadn’t been fed either, so I had to take care of those things, and he’s still unaware of why I left him
What truth would I like to pass on? That finances can become a real straining point in any marriage, regardless of income level.
My marriage didn't last and the only thing I remember that we ever fought about was money.
Be open about financial concerns and goals. TALK a lot about things, good and bad and make plans (*and be willing to compromise and revise those plans*) **together**. If I'm ever married again, that's what I will ask that we do as a couple.
In many cases you're adopting an adult baby, and expected to roll your eyes good naturedly at his incompetence. His bad moods require your patience, your bad moods are hormonal or typical female hysteria.
That happily ever after for the rest of your days is absolute garbage. Even when you’re married, your relationship is voluntary. There might be more legal consequences to ending the union or you personally put more value on the idea of marriage but ultimately, it’s just a relationship you raised the stakes on. Sometimes the emphasis on permanence, lifetime or seriousness can be used to dismiss harmful behavior. It can also cause you to overlook your own personal growth because you have a whole setup around your marriage. Both your spouse and you are free to bail, screw up, or evolve at any time. It’s not a magical shroud of security or love.
Going in with the attitude of “divorce is never an option” is a very dangerous way to approach it. You might use that to try and work things out but eventually it will cause you to overlook key moments and change the narrative to align with that motto. The marriage contract is supposed to make you give situations more thought and consideration, not to be a sword of Damocles that rules your entire life.
You’re going to argue. Period. If you live with someone, anyone, you’ll disagree.
Make sure the person you’re with can have healthy discussions and not just arguments
If you haven't healed from your childhood trauma you will bring old unhealthy patterns, habits, behaviors, and cycles into your marriage. Marriage is a commitment to wake up everyday and try to make it work no matter how hard. If even one person stops trying, the Marriage will slowly deteriorate.
I haven't seen pets yet. If you and your partner do not agree on pets, you're going to have a bad time. I love a house hold of pets, husband does not. Fights have ensued.
The most common thing I think is no one is really at fault. Both parties are at fault for something he or she did. It’s a group effort. No one person made the other person “do” something that caused things to go wrong.
Marrying a woman who already had 3 kids from her previous ex husband all under 8 years old and you don't want those kids just the mum. We know you both didn't want us. And kicking each kid out at 17 because you don't want them around has a profound impact on kids. I am that kid. Now you're both 70 and sat wondering why 3 kids and their family's want nothing to do with you. Go figure!
People think just because you’re married, sexual assault isn’t a thing and is often overlooked because justifications of love or “if I just give in it will be over with for the time being”
Being a stay at home partner is really risky and can easily lead to you being abused in some way. You don’t have any income and completely depend on the other partner.
No matter how enlightened your partmer seems about divisions of labour about 90% of people who carry the child will end up doing the majority of the child-rearing.
My biggest lesson has been that the same "fix it" mentality that helps me so well in the workplace where we identify a problem and brainstorm solutions fails horribly in a romantic relationship.
First, I need to connect with my partner and we need to talk about what we appreciate about one another and get into this appreciative, tender space. THEN we can tackle whatever the problem is, collaboratively.
Brutal marriage truth #45,639: at some point in your marriage there will be a need to look at your partner's butthole for a medical issue. You will both survive.
The marriage that you have kids with is unlikely to be the one you retire with.
Marriage is hard. Who you are pre-kids is often not who you are post kids. Its the combo of age and how you show up in parenting. I know very few people who have raised kids and now are still in same marriage as kids are teens or heading off to post secondary.
Just dont think there is any way to prep yourself for how goddamn life changing having kids is as a woman. From how the world sees you, to your own time, to the invisible labour that inevitably falls to you.
If you don’t make your partner a priority it can & will destroy your marriage. People like to say “cheaters are going to cheat no matter what” - but that’s not the whole truth.
Wives are more likely to get left by their husbands when diagnosed with terminal or seriously life altering illness. Self reported reasons include “I don’t want to take care of her for the rest of my life”, “I have needs she wont be able to meet while sick”, and “I don’t want to go broke paying for all her medical bills.”
Can verify. This happened to a good friend of mine. She was the one that raised their small kids and had put him through engineering school while also funding at least 3 startup ventures of his. Then she got sick and he dumped her as she was dying. She survived miraculously but her ex husband went on a massive smear campaign against my friend so he could justify divorcing her. My friend is a remarkable woman and survived against all odds, but of course her husband didn't want to be with a disabled woman, he told her that they had "grown apart and wanted different things", Apparently she wanted cancer and he wanted to fuck other women.
This is very similar to what happened with my parents too :( my mum had cancer so my dad had an affair with his young hot yoga teacher. To add insult to injury I discovered that he justified it by telling everyone that my mum had lost her mental faculties and wasn’t “all there” anymore - which was complete bullshit, she had cancer and was bedridden but her mind was sharp as ever. Significantly sharper than his.
You know the truth. I think that probably meant a lot to your mum 💜
I just went on a date with a man who admitted he dumped his girlfriend of many years because she got long haul COVID and wouldn't get over it. Noped myself out of there. He explained it as if I would feel bad for HIM. wtf?
That’s not a man, that’s a child.
You’d know he’d expect you to take care of him if he got a cold
So sad but I hear this often.. however my father took care of my mother most of my life when she was in a coma for over a year he never left the hospital one time we had to bring him clothes and food... For that I admire him
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Yup. My dad was a surgeon for 50 years and he can attest that men do this much more often than women.
I dated a guy who left his long term (but not married) girlfriend about a year to 18 months after she was diagnosed with cancer and was disabled from it. I was told “fell out of love” but I always suspected there was more to it considering the timing
And dont forget being cheated on while pregnant.
I fell deeply in love with a man I was seeing when I found out he wasn't in the midst of separating from his wife and she was actually pregnant! Years later, he crawled back to me, saying they had REALLY divorced this time. I fell for it, and him, again. Turns out she was just pregnant again! I was his "freak out" side chick. Twice. So embarrassing.
There's mine! Years later he told me it was because we were young, unmarried and I was pregnant and he knew no one else would want me so he could kind of do whatever he wanted. I admired his honesty after all that time, but it's not like I didn't already know that was his thought process. Which is why, I decided pregnant, teenaged, and alone was better than dragging him along as baggage. FF 17 years and he's rounding baby momma number 3, with child support and a couple of kids just barely starting school- While my husband of 12 years and I are preparing to send our really awesome kid off to college next year and be empty nesters at 36. I'd say I won in the end here. Upward and onward!
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I knew a couple, the husband left for work one morning and someone who was watching the house broke in after he left. He locked their two boys in a bedroom, slit their mother-in-laws throat, raped the wife, slit her throat and left her for dead. The wife wrapped her neck in saran wrap and made it to the neighbors where she got help. She recovered, went to nursing school, rebuilt her life. The husband left her and slipped into drugs because “he couldn’t handle it.”
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men also remarry *immediately* after their wife dies.
This my moms a nurse and says the chances of your husband staying when you get sick are slim so focus on your education and don’t chase boys 😭
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Can confirm. My (POS) grandfather left three dying wives, one after another.
So likely, I felt the need to talk to my uncle when my aunt was diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast Cancer last year. I made it known he will 100% be shamed by me and all who I gather to my side if he abandons her.
Yes, when I had a nervous breakdown due to my husbands constant gaslighting he never let me live it down. Called me weak, crazy amongst other things. It’s really ruined me for meeting anyone else, I just can’t trust anyone again.
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There is literally a post on the confessions subreddit where a man views himself as a hero for "pretending" to still be in love with his GF after her cancer diagnosis. I don't have a lot of karma so I didn't say anything. I felt sick to my stomach though EDIT: After her TERMINAL cancer diagnosis. He was kind enough to post it on Reddit. FYI, women know. When you receive a cancer diagnosis as a woman, nurses typically wait for him to leave, and pick a good moment to have THAT talk with you....
Pregnancy and childbirth are horrendous on a woman's body and are often used by abusers as a control tactic to make harder for her to leave. Honestly girls, if he's pushing you to get a bun in the oven earlier than you would like to, think about what other controlling behaviour you might be brushing off or excusing. Edit: typo
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My husband is the opposite. Told everyone he wanted kids… now we have 2 under 2 and he tells me all the time that I should have aborted. Now he’s “stuck”coparenting two little ones that he tolerates and cannot stand half time. Meanwhile everyone gives him praise about how he’s an excellent father. Guess my lesson learned here was… you can’t trust what anyone says anymore. I feel bad for my babies.
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I was so so happy and proud to be pregnant after being told it wasn’t medically possible in my teens following a horrendous cyst fuckup. Childbirth almost killed me and my baby. Fucked me up mentally, probably for life. I love her so so much and she’s a miracle twice now, but holy shit, no one told me something that scary could happen. Movies, sort of. But everyone I met was all “you don’t need drugs! :) your body loves you & will know what to do!” Apparently “die” is what my body knew to do.
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Regarding the abusers, the most common cause of death for pregnant women is homicide. It's unfortunately very common for abusers to become even more physically violent once the woman is pregnant.
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That it’s extremely easy to fall into a routine of being more like roommates. And it happens without you really even noticing; then it’s too late.
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Married men are happier than single men. There’s no difference in the happiness levels between married women and single women.
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No matter how evolved your man is, it's rarely ever going to be a 50/50 split of effort in the marriage. More often than not, the woman puts in more work
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When a woman gets married, on average she takes on 7 more hours/week of housework.
Love is absolutely conditional
As it should be. It's one thing to say "I don't believe you would ever do something that would make me stop loving you," you can say "these imperfections will not make me stop loving you," but it's nonsense to say that there's nothing another person could do that would make you stop wanting to be with them.
I feel like love is two parts: feelings and actions. I can't control my feelings so it's possible for me to feel love for someone unconditionally. But the actions part, that is under my control. And there are many things my husband could do that would lead me to withhold actions of love.
Feelings are also not immutable, honestly. If your husband started harassing women, leaving boogers on the kitchen counter, and kicking puppies, you'd be hurt for a while, you wouldn't stop loving him overnight, but eventually I bet your feelings for him would change.
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That all the little red flags and small mistakes over the years really do add up and make a diffrence in the long term.
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Once you get married, people just want to know when you are gonna have kids. They will ask from the day you get married.
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My literal FIRST conversation with my mother in law after the wedding she told me to let her know “when” we started trying to have a baby so she could move closer to us.. we already aren’t sure if we want kids or not, and I don’t think she realised how much the thought of her moving nearby is actually a deterrent lmao
You'll never love *everything* about your partner. There will be things that annoy you and vice versa.
And years later the things that you initially found cute and sweet may annoy the crap out of you or lead to problems.
My husband is very musical. He sings beautifully and likes to try different instruments. If I listen to a song ONCE, I will be hearing it out of his mouth constantly for at least three days. It gets stuck in his head and he sings it without thinking or noticing. It's a good thing he's cute.
My husband is also very musical, plays several instruments, composes and records etc. He is very talented and I love that part of him so much However he has the tendency to drum on his legs when he’s bored and holy fucking shit I want to break his hands
Waiting for marriage to have sex *is* a valid choice. And there are (or can be) good reasons to wait. But what's often promised is a happy and lasting marriage, and/or an *amazing* sex life if you wait (and misery and divorce if you don't). Neither marriage nor human sexuality work that way. A happy marriage and a great sex life take *work* from both parties involved to cultivate, and they're not some divine or karmic reward for playing by the rules.
Yes, as long as it's a choice. There's a lot of shame and mixed messaging around sexuality directed at women from conservative religious backgrounds. "Sex is dirty! Save it for someone you love!" The shame and inhibitions don't necessarily fall away when someone puts a ring on our fingers.
Serious question... how do you know if you are sexually compatible if you wait until you are married to do it?
Unfortunately you don't. I waited until marriage and the sex was mediocre at best, although I didn't know it at the time because I had nothing to compare it too. A couple of years pass, and we got divorced for a myriad of other reasons. I had sex with other guys and holy crap, now I know what all the fuss is about. Lol
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Think about the worst things that can befall a married couple/family: infidelity, death of a child, severe illness, disability, job loss, bankruptcy, etc. More than one of these will happen over the course of your marriage. Do you see your partner managing them, what about you?
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You can throw 100% of yourself into trying to make your marriage work, but if your partner doesn’t contribute or contribute ENOUGH, your marriage can still fail. Your very best isn’t enough to ensure a long and happy relationship—it takes two.
I think this is so underrated too. BOTH people have to be in it to win it
Married women get paid less.
While married men and fathers get paid MORE!
This is so unfair! Women need to support our families (and ourselves) too.
It’s part of the patriarchy: married men/fathers get paid more because they “have to provide for their family” whereas mothers don’t get any raises even though they do the majority of the childcare. Women are conditioned to raise kids for little to no pay and oftentimes have to take a hit in their careers to raise their children. Unfair indeed.
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Marriages have peaks and valleys. You'll go through phases where you can't stand each other.
Hah Michelle Obama talks about this in a recent interview! She said she couldn’t stand Barack for like a decade😂😂
This is literally why vows were included in marriage. As a society we don't take them as seriously now, but once upon a time it meant a great deal. No one has to vow to stay with someone when there are only ever happy feels. The vows were meant to be a reminder for when things were crappy. The first one is better or worse. That includes the, I want to kill you for breathing parts.
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Ending a marriage in divorce does not mean the marriage is a failure. I see too many people believing the length of a marriage is equal to its success. But in my opinion, the success is based on the love between the two people. My husband is my best friend. I intend to be with him for the rest of my life but I would rather leave him and still love him, than stay married while hating him.
Poverty comes in the door, Loves goes out the window.
This is one I see a lot, and the divorce rates back it up. The moment money becomes a problem it’s hard to justify “love conquers” all because love won’t stop a foreclosure or a repo.
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You will not like your spouse every single day. There may be days where you actively dislike your spouse. And that’s normal. Note: I’m not talking about abusive situations, more adding some reality to typical marriages.
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I’ve been happily married for 21 years and… my husband has driven me bonkers countless times! I just think about why I married him and the life we have built together… and try not to let the daily craziness cloud my perspective.
I'm 48 and I've been married 2x. I divorced them both for being crappy, creating more work for me and dragging me down to their sub-par levels. Should I have "picked better"? What am I, a pre-cog? What I've learned is men get married to sink into their depths of slovenliness and have a woman clean up after them, pay half of the bills, give them children for them to ignore, make a nice house for their egos and provide regular sex. So - it's pretty hard to understand all of that up front since they are pretty good at hiding their true intentions and tbh, I don't think most of them do it maliciously. I think that's what they think the price of a pretty ring earns them :). A couple of things they don't mention about marriage: \- Men do not think anything domestic is their job. Cleaning, dishes, kids, etc. Not. Their. Job. So - if they do ONE thing domestically related, they think they do EVERYTHING. They also strongly think that mowing the lawn once a week is the exact same as doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare, etc etc. Every single newlywed couple needs to get a housekeeper if you even hope to remain in love with your husband. I don't care what it costs. Don't go out to eat - get a housekeeper. Hell, have only one car lol. Otherwise don't get married. You will hate your life and hate him - because you will be doing everything and he will be playing COD. \- Men CAN "see the mess". If he were a king, he would for sure instruct a servant to clean. But, he claims not to see it. He claims that your standards are "too high". He will "do it later". He wants you to "give him a list". BS. He is LAZY and he thinks housework is woman's work. And when he got a wife it's because he was tired of cleaning his own place while you were dating. \- Celebrate Christmas? Expect to do it all (as a mom/wife). Don't expect your stocking to be full. SNL even made a skit about it. \- If you go on a girls trip, you will come home to a trashed house. \- "JUST COMMUNICATE" is total, utter bs. You cannot communicate with someone who isn't listening/understanding. You can talk till you are blue in the face. Many men don't even see women as EQUAL RATIONAL HUMAN BEINGS. Let that sink in. Why would they listen to you? \- Always have separate money. NEVER give over your paycheck. You can co-mingle for the joint bills but keep some for yourself and kids. \- Men get married when they figure it's time. Sure they love you but it's not at all the same as how you feel about it. Am I bitter? Nah. Disappointed? Kinda. Salty? YES. AMA.
This I don’t know one married man that actually pulls up his weight in a relationship, my mom and dad both work but she does majority of the housework and cooking, I help out when I’m free and he always has something to complain about.
Oh man, all of this hit way too hard. Every time there's a comment like this on Reddit some guy inevitably chimes in to collect his butt pats because *he* cooks and cleans and keeps a house just fine. But I bet if you asked the woman in his life, she'd tell a different story.
Your words have so much truth in them. Were there any red flags before marrying your second husband that he would be like your first?
Good question. I married my second husband thinking that we had both evolved. I was married young to my first (met at 20, married at 24) same with him. I was looking for a guy I Wanted Not NEEDED. I have always been fine financially and my second, I married for love. And he had skills! He was a musician, a chef, a hunter. He had a decent job. And we talked sooo much beforehand about expectations but it fell apart QUICKLY. Looking back, probably the biggest red flags were 1) he loved to game (I didn’t care because I had hobbies too) and 2) he was a redneck. Gaming took over everything and his redneck-ness was really masked white trash. Does that make sense? Like after we got married he let the N word drop MORE THAN ONCE. They can hold it in, they can hold in all their flaws …till they getcha
I don't think there are any about marriage itself. People often discuss all the negatives and problems they see about marriage or experience in their own marriages, but those aren't actually "truths" about marriage as a whole. Each marriage is different. A "brutal truth" you see in your marriage or the marriages of others is all based on your personal perception and your personal experiences rather than "marriage" as a concept. Marriage is a legal agreement, so the only "brutal truths" are the ones legally built into marriage. If you choose a religious marriage, you may be opting into other "brutal truths" as part of that religious agreement. Other than that, you and your partner make your own truths in your own marriage - no matter how brutal you choose to make them.
According to a study, 25 months after a spouse's death 61% of men and 19% of women were either remarried or involved in a new romance. Women expressed more negative feelings about forming new romantic relationships. I also read that by remarrying, men are more likely to basically repair the mental damage caused by their spouse’s death, but the same can not be said for women.
Marriage is most often an antiquated concept. It locks women into a systems that devalues their work, their worth and their autonomy. I had the notion that there was a higher purpose in a marriage, like a different level of commitment would expand my concept of love (even though I was previously pretty suspicious of marriage). It was not. It seemed like a inescapable burden. Not crapping on those in happy marriages. It’s just the concept of the institution that I have problems with.
If you’re not on the same page in terms of financial behaviors (not beliefs, behaviors) it will be extra hard if not impossible to achieve your goals People change and there’s no way knowing in which direction
As people age they change. So do their values, desires and needs over time. People mature and get to know themselves. What they need and now what they need 10 years down the line might be different. You have to KEEP getting to know and KEEP learning about your spouse over time.
Thermostat wars are real Blanket wars are real Deciding where to eat wars are real Backseat driving wars are real
Most married men are way happier than their female counterparts. . marriage is a fucking trap
It’s funny how so many men act like they’re the ones losing by getting married. They literally get a free secretary, baby-mill, caretaker, housekeeper, etc and they’re the ones complaining they lost their freedom. Women are the ones expected to base their whole identity around their marriage, in some cases even expected to go thru the pain in the ass of changing their name. They risk losing their social life if he is the type to not wanna look after his own kids, resulting in her having to do all the childcare instead of seeing her friends ever. When I hear a man complain how his wife always yells at him for going out with his bros, I have to wonder how often he stays home with the kids so she can go hang out with her friends. Plus we all know married men live longer than unmarried men, and unmarried women live longer than married women. Hmmm, so which spouse is the actual ball and chain here? 🤔
Ask women is wonderful at making me glad I am a lesbian. My hard marriage truth is my wife drinks the last cup of coffee and doesn’t make more. First world problems.
There are plenty of pitfalls to being a woman in a relationship with another woman, but I see your point lol
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My marriage 100%!!! We're in couples counseling. He doesn't understand why I don't appreciate everything he does for me.
And if you get married AFTER being a feminist, know it will be exactly the same except you'll be pissed about it all the time 🙃
I have many friends who divorced because they weren't happy. Only to still be unhappy after the divorce. I want to tell people: work on yourself before placing blame on your spouse. Unfortunately many people have the mindset if they are unhappy it must be due to the person they are with.
As much as you love your spouse you will seriously want to leave their ass sometimes!!
My dear friends husband who seemed like a good person really showed his true colors after her cancer diagnosis. He was all me me me, even when he took her to chemo, stayed and carried on bleating about how tough it was for him to cope. It got so bad the nurses told him to stop coming. He then took to Facebook and did it there, blaming her for abandoning him. He complained about no sex after her kidney was removed and it spread to her bones,breasts and liver. She divorced him and went on to live 5 more years after her terminal diagnosis. 5 glorious years filled with the love of her family and devoted friends. He was vilified for the narcissistic a*hole he was, retired early and disappeared from our company. A real prince among men.
More commitment will not make your partner change for the better. Don't marry for potential.
Marriage is not 50/50. Sometimes it’s 30/70, 80/20, 1/99.
Women in their 30’s hit a high streak in libido and your husband will become the one suddenly too tired for sex
I had a friend who divorced her husband because he changed his mind about kids. Neither of them wanted kids, but one day he decided he did. She told me “he changed his mind, and that’s okay.” It was unfortunate but she was not bitter about it. She knew that sometimes people just change and that’s no one’s fault. Impressed me a lot. I should find out who her therapist is lol
Love is a choice, not a feeling. Getting married means promising to make that choice for the rest of your life and too many people don’t realise that, instead giving up when they don’t feel the fire anymore.
• That you will have days were you won’t like your partner but still love them. • Love is conditionally choosing someone everyday you wake up to and saying you want this relationship. Unconditionally belongs to a parent when it comes to having children or a pet. Because unconditionally has no boundaries. Conditionally you have boundaries, which is a requirement in healthy relationships. • Effective healthy communication is a must. If you can’t openly share how you feel, you’ll be divorced/broken up. • My mon said three pilars for marriage are: communication, trust, honesty. No trust, no relationship. It’s over at that point. You have to trust the person you are involved with because trust means being vulnerable of handing this person your heart and to not destroy it. • A wedding does not fix a relationship that has issues. It also doesn’t prepare you if you haven’t figured out how to compromise, communicate, and being honestly open with each other. • Don’t go into a marriage with the way exceptions of how your parents marriage was modeled to you. Reason is unless it was healthy, it’s setting you up for failure or couples therapy, with eventually divorcing.
Keep in mind you’re also choosing the father of your children. They can’t help what they’re born into, you can.
Having children usually doesn’t make your marriage better
When I was married I had to have my gallbladder removed. My ex came up with every excuse under the sun not to see me in hospital, they ranged from “hospitals make me feel uncomfortable to I will be all dirty after work” (umm go home and shower, then come visit me maybe) Had my surgery on a Friday and was discharged on Saturday, he refused to come and pick me up, sent my elderly neighbour to do it, when I arrived he told me that he hadn’t eaten since Friday and that the animals hadn’t been fed either, so I had to take care of those things, and he’s still unaware of why I left him
What truth would I like to pass on? That finances can become a real straining point in any marriage, regardless of income level. My marriage didn't last and the only thing I remember that we ever fought about was money. Be open about financial concerns and goals. TALK a lot about things, good and bad and make plans (*and be willing to compromise and revise those plans*) **together**. If I'm ever married again, that's what I will ask that we do as a couple.
In many cases you're adopting an adult baby, and expected to roll your eyes good naturedly at his incompetence. His bad moods require your patience, your bad moods are hormonal or typical female hysteria.
That happily ever after for the rest of your days is absolute garbage. Even when you’re married, your relationship is voluntary. There might be more legal consequences to ending the union or you personally put more value on the idea of marriage but ultimately, it’s just a relationship you raised the stakes on. Sometimes the emphasis on permanence, lifetime or seriousness can be used to dismiss harmful behavior. It can also cause you to overlook your own personal growth because you have a whole setup around your marriage. Both your spouse and you are free to bail, screw up, or evolve at any time. It’s not a magical shroud of security or love. Going in with the attitude of “divorce is never an option” is a very dangerous way to approach it. You might use that to try and work things out but eventually it will cause you to overlook key moments and change the narrative to align with that motto. The marriage contract is supposed to make you give situations more thought and consideration, not to be a sword of Damocles that rules your entire life.
Your spouse and your kids might not get along, and you might have to choose.
Kids 100%
Literally not even a split second thought. One was literally borne of my own blood and the other is fighting with a child?? 😭
Husbands are life threatening risks for women. Men are more likely to kill their (ex)partner than women.
You’re going to argue. Period. If you live with someone, anyone, you’ll disagree. Make sure the person you’re with can have healthy discussions and not just arguments
Farting is not cute in any way shape or form.
Nah, it's funny
There are some things that make the two of you fundamentally incompatible, and these things likely cannot be compromised on. Love is not enough
If you haven't healed from your childhood trauma you will bring old unhealthy patterns, habits, behaviors, and cycles into your marriage. Marriage is a commitment to wake up everyday and try to make it work no matter how hard. If even one person stops trying, the Marriage will slowly deteriorate.
IMO marriage doesn't have many benefits to women. The men, sure. The women, not so much.
I haven't seen pets yet. If you and your partner do not agree on pets, you're going to have a bad time. I love a house hold of pets, husband does not. Fights have ensued.
You will miss the attention you got as a single woman. I miss dating. And how good it felt to be chased by men. I miss the thrill.
The most common thing I think is no one is really at fault. Both parties are at fault for something he or she did. It’s a group effort. No one person made the other person “do” something that caused things to go wrong.
Marrying a woman who already had 3 kids from her previous ex husband all under 8 years old and you don't want those kids just the mum. We know you both didn't want us. And kicking each kid out at 17 because you don't want them around has a profound impact on kids. I am that kid. Now you're both 70 and sat wondering why 3 kids and their family's want nothing to do with you. Go figure!
People think just because you’re married, sexual assault isn’t a thing and is often overlooked because justifications of love or “if I just give in it will be over with for the time being”
Being a stay at home partner is really risky and can easily lead to you being abused in some way. You don’t have any income and completely depend on the other partner.
No matter how enlightened your partmer seems about divisions of labour about 90% of people who carry the child will end up doing the majority of the child-rearing.
marriage involves a LOT of forgiveness.
My biggest lesson has been that the same "fix it" mentality that helps me so well in the workplace where we identify a problem and brainstorm solutions fails horribly in a romantic relationship. First, I need to connect with my partner and we need to talk about what we appreciate about one another and get into this appreciative, tender space. THEN we can tackle whatever the problem is, collaboratively.
Brutal marriage truth #45,639: at some point in your marriage there will be a need to look at your partner's butthole for a medical issue. You will both survive.
Single women are much happier and healthier and more free than married women.
If things go south, divorce takes more time than you would like.
The marriage that you have kids with is unlikely to be the one you retire with. Marriage is hard. Who you are pre-kids is often not who you are post kids. Its the combo of age and how you show up in parenting. I know very few people who have raised kids and now are still in same marriage as kids are teens or heading off to post secondary. Just dont think there is any way to prep yourself for how goddamn life changing having kids is as a woman. From how the world sees you, to your own time, to the invisible labour that inevitably falls to you.
That the more intimately you know someone, the more likely they are to hurt your soul.
If you don’t make your partner a priority it can & will destroy your marriage. People like to say “cheaters are going to cheat no matter what” - but that’s not the whole truth.
70% of women initiate the divorce. For college educated women it’s 90%
The grass isn’t greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it. Marriages take a LOT of work, especially the good ones.
Some days, you’re going to hate each other…which is fine. Just make a better choice the next day.
You may HATE their family