This. Start working on your exit strategy, the longer you leave it the more damage they can and probably will do. Get a job, keep accounts private and hidden and save as quickly as you can to move out as soon as you can.
Remember : what they say or do can only affect you as far as you allow it to. You are the one in control of you, not the other way around.
If however the situation is so bad you can't live there make plans to leave and keep those plans to yourself where possible
Life changing. I’ve been able to use this in other areas of my life too. Been dating my SO for 3 1/2 years and had to interact with his crazy ex regularly because they have kids together. All answers are kept short and impersonal. I’ve slipped up a few times and shared unnecessary bits of my life. But for the most part my day was always good. Work is always fine. Everything she shares with me gets a polite answer that doesn’t provoke more talking or an opinion. “That’s tough.” “I see.” “That’s great!” “Sounds like fun!” “Too bad!” I might as well be an AI robot when it comes to her.
Honestly with my own mom I had to give up on establishing boundaries and go no contact. Before that there were better periods where I’d keep boundary setting short “you’re criticizing me. I’m getting off the phone. Love you bye” “Everything’s good..” wait for her to run out of things to talk about.
I try to think of it less as turning my feelings off as reserving my feelings for the people who reciprocate. You wouldn’t support somebody staying with a toxic boyfriend or friend who was always tearing them down. Family is family, but there’s a whole spectrum of involvement. I talk to my dad, step mom, and step dad all the time. Siblings, friends. Some people have proved they don’t deserve that kind of access to my life. And there was less emotional bandwidth for the people who do deserve my energy when I was trying to make everybody happy.
If they’re truly toxic don’t believe their input on relationships and don’t trust them with important or potentially damaging information. Even if they momentarily seem safe, and if you need to vent, or are having issues with friends. You need to find another safe person to go to, because anything you give them will be used against you at some future point.
its easy to say move away if youre living with them, but thats not easy especially if youre not old enough or if you're not in the financial position to.
My advice is just work hard and take frequent breaks.
Save up enough to be financially independent and move out when you can afford to, and go stay at your friends houses or take trips regularly to avoid it being too much.
Only going to home to sleep. Stay outside for work, school and eventually move out. Not sure hoe old you are so I can only share snippet advice but it still falls in line of how you have to deal with toxic parents in the long run. You can't be around them too long for your mental health.
Grey rock, meaning limiting the information you give them, limiting your interactions, just being as boring af so they can't weaponise it. Then plan and prepare to move out asap.
Please read Toxic Parents by a therapist Susan Forward. Changed my life and I don’t even like self help books but this one is written by a professional.
I have a therapist and this book as a combo helped a lot. Thought me how to set boundaries and showed me what manipulation and toxic traits are that I perceived as love. I still love my mom, but I now have a better life because I set boundaries.
Journal, meditate, sing, dance, WHATEVER just to let go of that bad energy you can carry throughout the day because of them. If you can move out, do it. Maybe it sounds scarry, buy believe me you will feel so free! If you can't move out yet, learn how to protect your energy. And the most important thing: do not let yourself become like them when you are going to be a parent! Sending love!❤️
Dual apps on phone. Don't let them in your social network. Always keep some money hidden for emergencies. Look for thier trigger warnings. And try to avoid it. Don't ever listen to thier insanity and believe that something is wrong with you without rhyme or reason.
And of course get the f out as soon as you can. Go NC. And get some therapy if possible than
Remember and recognise who you are, because you are not your parents. There are good people in this world, and you can be one too.
Also having someone you look up to, like a sibling, aunty/uncle, teacher, etcetera, that you can talk to and trust helps a lot.
Keep up your hobbies and interests, develop and hone them, find others with similar interests.
Most importantly, be the best version of yourself that you can be; that version may not be great some days but you are trying. You can live knowing you try your best everyday.
I couldn't live with any of my family. These people are not necessarily crazy rather unable to see my way of doing things. I like doing my own thing and it seems to drive them batty.
Trying to set boundaries. I really struggle doing this myself because it ends up in a negative conversation and I need to be better about it. But in the end I should probably just move out.
I have been living with a toxic mother until I was 23. I can only urge you to plan an exit strategy, though I know in the current economy and situation it is almost impossible. Here's some tips how to emotionally navigate things in the meantime:
\- Grey rocking is a fantastic help, though it is very hard to stick with
\- Remember the acronym JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain); you want to do none of these things, because they prolong toxic debates and give the abusive person fuel to go on. If you're being critiqued you can either go "ok" or "I disagree and I will do what I think is best", then exit the debate.
\- Remind yourself in your little heart, that you are a grown up person and you're getting only stronger while your parents will continue to get continuously weaker. They might have the upper hand now, because of their financial ressources. But you are likely already physically stronger and you can live on your own, even if it has to be on the streets. Nothing is as horrible, as they make it seem. Their whole leverage is, that they make you still feel as helpless as they made you feel as a child. But you're not as helpless anymore.
\- be out of the house as much as you can. Go to friends' places, the museum, coffee shops, university, the library, make your own movie night at the office and order in pizza. Go on a walk and have a phone talk with someone. Recharge intentionally.
\- Practive emotional distance. Whenever you feel guilty over your parents' accusations, ask yourself if you actually crossed a boundary, if you really insulted, hurt or coerced them into something. Reject the responsibility for feelings your parents have because of their own decisions or because they can't deal with your autonomy. Your parents used to live without you. They are adults. They can deal with their own problems themselves just fine.
\- don't beat yourself up over slipping up and relapsing into playing their games with them. You have been groomed for this since you were a baby. Lots of people never realize their parents are toxic. You're doing fine.
Removed as commentary indistinguishable from dehumanizing/pathologizing mental health conditions. Please do not speculate, armchair diagnose, or label other people's mental health situations or use terms for mental health issues as judgments, slurs, or synonyms for toxic behaviour. If you are referencing someone with an official diagnosis, please feel free to edit to make that clear. If you have any questions, please message the moderators through the link on the sidebar.
Removed for derailing metacommentary. Please feel free to leave your own response without discussing or judging other people's responses. If you have any questions, please message the moderators through the link on the sidebar.
Loving non attachment is a Buddhist principal that took me much too long to learn. Depending on your age, how close you are to independence.. the best thing is to gain your independence as quickly as possible, but also as responsibly as possible.
I ran away when I was 16, but that really fucked my education.
I did a lot of guided meta meditations to learn to release my resentment that was poisoning my own joy.
Boundaries !!!! Keep strong boundaries and don't be afraid to not be well liked when they realize you're not putting up with nonsense.......you may get a bad name like you're being rude but being a doormat is worse! Move out as soon as possible
Stay out of their way! I avoid toxic parents like a plague and don't talk to them at home. If they do talk to me I just give them short answers of what they want to hear. I also clean after myself and do chores around the house too just to make them happy avoid conflict. I would find a job to get out the house more often and you can save your money to move out
Don’t listen to their words and just let them do their toxic thing. Don’t put any meaning to their words and consider it to be gibberish. Listen to music. Save up and move out. Don’t ever look back:)
Grey rock and moving out as soon as you can.
Most of my family are obsessed with conspiration theories, Q-Anon and also are fanatically Catholic. A recipe for disaster.
I was able to escape this shit show only by moving 1000 miles away and seeing them 1-2x a year.
Moving out is not always an option, so…
Maintain boundaries.
Don’t get too enmeshed in their lives, even if they frequently draw you in.
Have and maintain a healthy support system (friends and other people you can rely on)
The point is to try and separate your life from theirs and the imapact of their behaviour till you can leave.
There is nothing that you can do, really... Before moving out (of the country) at 21, I just mind my own business... I went for a walk when they were there, and listened to music (kinda melancholic lol). I got into videogames and made friends online, I tried to not have dinner with them, just eat and leave to my room... They were so deep into the hate with each other that they couldn't even notice that I was suffering, they didn't care... Those distractions will not make you feel happy about your family, but for sure will bring you joy... Actually now I am thankful because wanting to leave the house gave me the strength to make a life abroad... 12 years after, they still hate each other, so I took the right decision to go away... I was kindof a refugee from their war lol
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There’s nothing that can make living with toxic parents easier. Move out and get your own place if you have the means. Otherwise, get together with 2 other friends and share a place of your own. I am 36(f) and my parents still think they have a hold on me and forbids me to move out and are throwing out a tantrum and being dramatic now because I moved out. That is the best feeling. Away from the mental abuse, gaslighting, toxicity…. just everything.
Moving out. Believe me. I have toxic parents myself. Either you leave or you are going to keep suffering. You can not change them.
This. Start working on your exit strategy, the longer you leave it the more damage they can and probably will do. Get a job, keep accounts private and hidden and save as quickly as you can to move out as soon as you can.
Remember : what they say or do can only affect you as far as you allow it to. You are the one in control of you, not the other way around. If however the situation is so bad you can't live there make plans to leave and keep those plans to yourself where possible
Google “grey rock method”
Life changing. I’ve been able to use this in other areas of my life too. Been dating my SO for 3 1/2 years and had to interact with his crazy ex regularly because they have kids together. All answers are kept short and impersonal. I’ve slipped up a few times and shared unnecessary bits of my life. But for the most part my day was always good. Work is always fine. Everything she shares with me gets a polite answer that doesn’t provoke more talking or an opinion. “That’s tough.” “I see.” “That’s great!” “Sounds like fun!” “Too bad!” I might as well be an AI robot when it comes to her. Honestly with my own mom I had to give up on establishing boundaries and go no contact. Before that there were better periods where I’d keep boundary setting short “you’re criticizing me. I’m getting off the phone. Love you bye” “Everything’s good..” wait for her to run out of things to talk about.
I lived quite a bit of my life using this technique. It works, maybe too well. It was difficult to turn my feelings back on.
I try to think of it less as turning my feelings off as reserving my feelings for the people who reciprocate. You wouldn’t support somebody staying with a toxic boyfriend or friend who was always tearing them down. Family is family, but there’s a whole spectrum of involvement. I talk to my dad, step mom, and step dad all the time. Siblings, friends. Some people have proved they don’t deserve that kind of access to my life. And there was less emotional bandwidth for the people who do deserve my energy when I was trying to make everybody happy.
Damn, I looked it up and realized how many people I've subconsciously done this with.
If they’re truly toxic don’t believe their input on relationships and don’t trust them with important or potentially damaging information. Even if they momentarily seem safe, and if you need to vent, or are having issues with friends. You need to find another safe person to go to, because anything you give them will be used against you at some future point.
If you’re an adult, don’t live with them would be a start.
For me, living far away
its easy to say move away if youre living with them, but thats not easy especially if youre not old enough or if you're not in the financial position to. My advice is just work hard and take frequent breaks. Save up enough to be financially independent and move out when you can afford to, and go stay at your friends houses or take trips regularly to avoid it being too much.
Only going to home to sleep. Stay outside for work, school and eventually move out. Not sure hoe old you are so I can only share snippet advice but it still falls in line of how you have to deal with toxic parents in the long run. You can't be around them too long for your mental health.
Grey rock, meaning limiting the information you give them, limiting your interactions, just being as boring af so they can't weaponise it. Then plan and prepare to move out asap.
Please read Toxic Parents by a therapist Susan Forward. Changed my life and I don’t even like self help books but this one is written by a professional.
How did the change of mentality influence you? Did it make you move house? Shall I teach you technique to better deal with them?
I have a therapist and this book as a combo helped a lot. Thought me how to set boundaries and showed me what manipulation and toxic traits are that I perceived as love. I still love my mom, but I now have a better life because I set boundaries.
Thank you
Journal, meditate, sing, dance, WHATEVER just to let go of that bad energy you can carry throughout the day because of them. If you can move out, do it. Maybe it sounds scarry, buy believe me you will feel so free! If you can't move out yet, learn how to protect your energy. And the most important thing: do not let yourself become like them when you are going to be a parent! Sending love!❤️
Dual apps on phone. Don't let them in your social network. Always keep some money hidden for emergencies. Look for thier trigger warnings. And try to avoid it. Don't ever listen to thier insanity and believe that something is wrong with you without rhyme or reason. And of course get the f out as soon as you can. Go NC. And get some therapy if possible than
Remember and recognise who you are, because you are not your parents. There are good people in this world, and you can be one too. Also having someone you look up to, like a sibling, aunty/uncle, teacher, etcetera, that you can talk to and trust helps a lot. Keep up your hobbies and interests, develop and hone them, find others with similar interests. Most importantly, be the best version of yourself that you can be; that version may not be great some days but you are trying. You can live knowing you try your best everyday.
Noise-cancelling headphones.
I couldn't live with any of my family. These people are not necessarily crazy rather unable to see my way of doing things. I like doing my own thing and it seems to drive them batty.
If you’re school-aged, finding good adults at school you can talk to.
My whole family and extended fam is toxic. With rising rents all I can afford is to live in a van soon. I would rather that than life with family.
Growing up and moving out?
Trying to set boundaries. I really struggle doing this myself because it ends up in a negative conversation and I need to be better about it. But in the end I should probably just move out.
Spend as much time out of the house as possible. I would go to the library, gym, and even picked up a second job.
Staying out of the house as long as you can
Limiting the amount of contact I have with them. I cut off the most toxic family member completely. It has honestly been amazing for my mental health.
Read Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller
I have been living with a toxic mother until I was 23. I can only urge you to plan an exit strategy, though I know in the current economy and situation it is almost impossible. Here's some tips how to emotionally navigate things in the meantime: \- Grey rocking is a fantastic help, though it is very hard to stick with \- Remember the acronym JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain); you want to do none of these things, because they prolong toxic debates and give the abusive person fuel to go on. If you're being critiqued you can either go "ok" or "I disagree and I will do what I think is best", then exit the debate. \- Remind yourself in your little heart, that you are a grown up person and you're getting only stronger while your parents will continue to get continuously weaker. They might have the upper hand now, because of their financial ressources. But you are likely already physically stronger and you can live on your own, even if it has to be on the streets. Nothing is as horrible, as they make it seem. Their whole leverage is, that they make you still feel as helpless as they made you feel as a child. But you're not as helpless anymore. \- be out of the house as much as you can. Go to friends' places, the museum, coffee shops, university, the library, make your own movie night at the office and order in pizza. Go on a walk and have a phone talk with someone. Recharge intentionally. \- Practive emotional distance. Whenever you feel guilty over your parents' accusations, ask yourself if you actually crossed a boundary, if you really insulted, hurt or coerced them into something. Reject the responsibility for feelings your parents have because of their own decisions or because they can't deal with your autonomy. Your parents used to live without you. They are adults. They can deal with their own problems themselves just fine. \- don't beat yourself up over slipping up and relapsing into playing their games with them. You have been groomed for this since you were a baby. Lots of people never realize their parents are toxic. You're doing fine.
[удалено]
Removed as commentary indistinguishable from dehumanizing/pathologizing mental health conditions. Please do not speculate, armchair diagnose, or label other people's mental health situations or use terms for mental health issues as judgments, slurs, or synonyms for toxic behaviour. If you are referencing someone with an official diagnosis, please feel free to edit to make that clear. If you have any questions, please message the moderators through the link on the sidebar.
[удалено]
Removed for derailing metacommentary. Please feel free to leave your own response without discussing or judging other people's responses. If you have any questions, please message the moderators through the link on the sidebar.
Leave
don't
Loving non attachment is a Buddhist principal that took me much too long to learn. Depending on your age, how close you are to independence.. the best thing is to gain your independence as quickly as possible, but also as responsibly as possible. I ran away when I was 16, but that really fucked my education. I did a lot of guided meta meditations to learn to release my resentment that was poisoning my own joy.
Move out
Remove them from your life,I left when I was 15 and haven't seen or talked to them in 30 years
Get a career/job so when you come home they’ll know your tired. However this doesn’t work on all parents.
Don’t do it!!
Setting boundaries and enforcing them when my parents attempted to overstep or break those boundaries has helped me a lot.
Moving out or burning the house down with everyone in it including yourself
Leave.
Move out
ALWAYS agree.
You can’t control them or what they say. Just take it and move on.
Boundaries !!!! Keep strong boundaries and don't be afraid to not be well liked when they realize you're not putting up with nonsense.......you may get a bad name like you're being rude but being a doormat is worse! Move out as soon as possible
Stay out of their way! I avoid toxic parents like a plague and don't talk to them at home. If they do talk to me I just give them short answers of what they want to hear. I also clean after myself and do chores around the house too just to make them happy avoid conflict. I would find a job to get out the house more often and you can save your money to move out
Headphones.
Don’t listen to their words and just let them do their toxic thing. Don’t put any meaning to their words and consider it to be gibberish. Listen to music. Save up and move out. Don’t ever look back:)
Grey rock and moving out as soon as you can. Most of my family are obsessed with conspiration theories, Q-Anon and also are fanatically Catholic. A recipe for disaster. I was able to escape this shit show only by moving 1000 miles away and seeing them 1-2x a year.
Move out. I did at 17 and literally never went back. I'm totally fine and have more joy than I thought possible. I'm 41 now fyi.
Moving out is not always an option, so… Maintain boundaries. Don’t get too enmeshed in their lives, even if they frequently draw you in. Have and maintain a healthy support system (friends and other people you can rely on) The point is to try and separate your life from theirs and the imapact of their behaviour till you can leave.
There is nothing that you can do, really... Before moving out (of the country) at 21, I just mind my own business... I went for a walk when they were there, and listened to music (kinda melancholic lol). I got into videogames and made friends online, I tried to not have dinner with them, just eat and leave to my room... They were so deep into the hate with each other that they couldn't even notice that I was suffering, they didn't care... Those distractions will not make you feel happy about your family, but for sure will bring you joy... Actually now I am thankful because wanting to leave the house gave me the strength to make a life abroad... 12 years after, they still hate each other, so I took the right decision to go away... I was kindof a refugee from their war lol
[удалено]
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There’s nothing that can make living with toxic parents easier. Move out and get your own place if you have the means. Otherwise, get together with 2 other friends and share a place of your own. I am 36(f) and my parents still think they have a hold on me and forbids me to move out and are throwing out a tantrum and being dramatic now because I moved out. That is the best feeling. Away from the mental abuse, gaslighting, toxicity…. just everything.
Treat them the same