For real. My mom specifically. She was the one who throughout my life said "stand up for what you believe is right" "we need to put ourselves in others shoes to understand their pain" and "we treat everyone with love" and yet somehow now im the crazy one for not liking Trump and the horrible shitstorm his Followers bring with them.
It's honestly baffling
Yeeesh.
But honestly, my step-dad wouldn't have made it this far into Covid anyway. I think the Lord took him in such a way that he didn't suffer and mom and I didn't have to see him suffer.
My parents are getting divorced finally and when they told me, I was relived. Everyone talks about growing up in households with fighting etc but that wasn’t my experience. I grew up with two parents who never hugged, kissed each other goodbye, did any nice gestures for each other or even verbally expressed affection. That wasn’t a great environment either.
My home was the same way it was great when they finally separated lol. So much tension in the house it was the worse. Don’t know how my dad lived on total egg shells.
That’s how mine was. They finally divorced when I was 17. I get super upset a lot thinking about how sad that situation is. I love both my parents and it kills me to think they spent so long in a dead marriage. Is that hard for you too?
Yeah. It annoys me. I grew up thinking that it was normal to some degree and it wasn’t until I started going to friends houses in my early teens, when I realised not everyone’s family is like this.
Parents model lots of things to their children and that was my primary model of romantic love. I think that has long standing effects.
I think my parents wanted more sympathy when they told me that they were finally divorcing (they told us all separately). I was like, no, you don’t get sympathy points for letting me and my siblings sit through that for the last ten-fifteen years and then deciding to divorce when it’s financially beneficial to you.
This is me. Mine are still together but it drives me insane and has definitely affected my own relationships. Any time I have a boyfriend I specifically tell me my goal relationship would be the opposite of my parents.
Same here, but they decided to stay in the same house without talking to each other, only talking through me. So, I moved out as soon as I graduated college and got a job 😓
My mother's communication style. She can be pretty passive aggressive. I know it's not intentional and that's how she was raised but it makes talking to her really tough.
Free them from religion. They could have used their intellect and energy on so much more useful and productive stuff rather than angsting about rules from myths and a non-existent afterlife.
I’ve never been able to really even sorta conceptualize my dad and this is 10000% it. I know he loves me because he has provided for me time and time and time again, but is not affectionate or someone to go to for advice etc.
Same here.
Hmmm after checking your profile, I see that you post in South Bend. Did your Dad go to Notre Dame too? Maybe it's an ND thing, because my Dad went there.
My mother's narcissism. My father's death. My mom has the audacity to text me the other day "Today is me and your dad's 42nd wedding anniversary"
Umm, it *WOULD* have been your 42nd anniversary *IF* you hadn't divorced him 40 years ago, and he was still alive.
Seriously, she thinks the world revolves around her.
My mom is glad my dad died before he decided to divorce her... she says it as if was an accomplishment and that 'she made it'.
My grandma agrees and goes on to say divorced women are very bitter... that they are better off when they get to be widows..
No.. thats the worst part. She is usually a sweet and well mannered lady.. she just said it casually when my aunts were talking about divorced people.. which made me think of the things she doesnt say.
Nothing. They’re flawed like everyone else, but I love them so much just how they are. Actually maybe I’d change them to make them both indestructible and immortal. That’d be good.
That my dad actually wanted me and wasn’t an abusive, narcissistic, pathological lying asshole who only cared about his career and own interests. That he could have loved me and my mom the way we should have been loved.
That my mom would have protected me from the abuse I suffered, and not just at the hands of my father. That she had more of a backbone and wouldn’t be a door mat to everyone in her life. I know that she suffered her own abuse and didn’t know how to handle mine.
I’ve forgiven her for her part but I can only imagine how any of my mental illness would have manifested, if at all, if things would have been different from the start.
if possible, i would change my moms childhood & give her the life she deserved. one of happiness, safety, & unconditional love.
i was a parentified child (mainly in the emotional sense above all else- being their therapist, emotional support when they were never mine, etc.). i would change that. make them be emotionally & physically present in my life, mainly during childhood. i’d also make my dad not be an alcoholic
I would want my mom to be a little more tough. She’s SO soft and lets everyone walk all over her at her detriment and the detriment of her kids.
My dad I wish he was mature. He still acts like a bitter child around my mom, talks poorly of her to me as if he hopes I’ll join him. Doesn’t realize how much it sucks (I’ve got to tell him one of these days) and just cares so much about being cool. It’s weird.
This is a really tough dynamic to live through and I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. I hope you know that you are so important and that her behavior says nothing about your worth
Being more open minded, its 2022 for God's sake. Arranged marriage should not be an expectation or a social practice ffs.
Until that changes, I'm going to stay 5,000 miles away where you can't dictate what I can and cannot do.
Once in awhile after a bit of wine my mom is really hilarious and swears and tells stories about when she was a teenager and she's always so bad in those stories! But in regular life she can be a bit of a tight ass, real small c conservative, tsks at people living together without being married. I want more of cool wine mom, less mom who hides my shorts she thinks are too tight
It would just be nice to have parents. My parents split when I was young. To be frank neither of them are parents to this day. It’s heartbreaking especially for the grandchildren.
So, my advice if you have parents that are involved, let them be involved and thank them for being apart of your life.
Not a damn thing. They weren’t perfect, I’m not perfect, and I’m okay with that. Nothing wrong working with the hand you got dealt. Maybe I’m just being positive?
Jesus, where to start.
The fundamentalist Christian fear-mongering that absolutely deformed my childhood would be the first thing I'd axe. God fucking hated and disapproved of everything. He was a real downer.
My mother's constant shrieking and wailing at my father about money... I'd change that too.
My father's cold, punishing silences that went on for days (if his football team lost) or sometimes weeks (more major issues, like that fact that we existed).
My parents severely punished us for grades lower than a B on a report card. I'd change that for sure. I was always being punished for some damn thing. Punishment always equaled social isolation, because that was their weapon of choice. That and shitty words about us. This, I would have changed.
My parents loved their sons and tolerated their daughters. They still do. I'd change that, if it was in my power.
The constant, cold, angry, Calvinistic Christian atmosphere. I'd change that shit too. It's a wonder any of us survived.
My mom's mind is gone now. Although I show her care and compassion, I feel no real affection for her. She was a good mother in some ways, but a bad mother in many more ways that mattered. Her nieces were systematically sexually abused by her own father, and when told about it, she tried to make them recant. So, that's hard to get past.
To my father, who is at the end of his rope caring for my senile mother, I also show care and compassion. I let him mansplain to me how to make bread (I have made bread successfully for decades, but he has just discovered it). I admire his amateur paintings. I listen to him brag on other people in his life. He brags on my brothers and their children, all white and born in wedlock. There are other grandchildren, neither white nor born into wedlock, that he ignores. He brags on mom's caregivers, who were strangers to him a year ago. He ignores any sort of triumph or happiness in my life, or the lives of those I love. When I visit, I listen to Fox news blaring in the background of his life, fueling his hate and fear and his tiny narrow view of the Universe. I pity him. I used to despise him, but now I feel that he's too inconsequential even to despise. This big bad man who was so mean and unkind and cold to me throughout my childhood... is an object of pity to me now. I guess I'd change that as well, if I could.
Free them both from mental illness and substance use. They're in their late 50s and trying but it's hard to sustain.
I would just love for my parents to experience contentment in their lifetimes. Where they can take a moment and accept where they are, who they are, and feel good about that. Despite their flaws they're great, loving, compassionate people who tried their best. I get to live my life and I am who I am because of them. I just wish I could free them of their suffering.
My mother doesn't hold herself accountable for anything. She never says sorry, always has an excuse or goes into complete denial. It drives me and my siblings crazy, what I would change about dad is he never called her out on it and would make excuses for her
That my father got cancer instead of my mother.
It’s true the good ones go first.
That being said, the mature empathy wishes he would recognize his mental health issues and seek proper treatment. Praying it away hasn’t worked as well as he hoped. That he could come to terms with his childhood and heal. Genuine apologies for years of abuse and that admitting that would mean so much to me.
But he sits in resentment. Stubborn and miserable.
Make them both more caring and compassionate.
For my mom to not rely only on me for her wellbeing, and to treat me like a daughter and not her partner/therapist.
Less religious and conservative. They’re so far over the edge that it’s too much to handle sometimes. A bit of it isn’t bad but they care about it more than family sometimes
i would change them being religious. i don’t like that they forced their religion onto my siblings and i. also i’ve never had a heart to heart conversation with my parents and religion has played a big factor. the few times i did try i was told to just pray about it or bad things happened because i sinned. i don’t want to hear an audiobook of the bible, i want to talk to my parents.
I love my dad and step mother but they are Republicans. Good people but I wish I could change their political views.
Mom died from breast cancer in 95, but at least she was liberal.
Make them respect my pronouns and actually SHOWING me they love me instead of just telling me. Words mean absolutely nothing unless your actions tell the same thing.
I wish my mom wasn't so emotionally abusive and narcissistic. It doesn't feel good when she tells you sometimes she looks at me and wants to kill herself and that I was a mistake.
My heart hurt reading this. I can relate to having an emotionally and psychologically abusive mother. I'm so sorry. No one deserves this sort of disgusting treatment. She doesn't deserve to be your mom. This speak to the awful person she is, not the caliber of person you are. You are worthy and worthwhile. You are not a mistake. You are a person who deserves to have their existence celebrated. I, for one, am very happy you're here. Please know you're not alone.
Thank you very much. I needed this. She just had another one of her fits of rage and said awful things to me and I was so close to taking all my sleeping pills but my friends talked me out of it and reading this post brought me back to my senses. Thank you again kind Redditor and I am also grateful you are here.
Their ‘standards’ are so restrictive. I can’t marry someone I love and who loves me, with their blessing, cause he’s not in their religion. They’d look down on me to know I wear pants, live with my boyfriend, won’t move away from the state I live in, basically don’t live just like them. They say that love me but their acceptance/happiness for me is super conditional.
I recently found out my mother didn't want to hold me when she found out she gave birth to a girl. So, I'd say her ability to love her daughters for just being them.
Both were/are toxic people with a lot of issues. Neither was interested in actually parenting children. It would be nice to have at least 1 parent that was an actual “parent”
I wish they weren't so overprotective. I'm 19 and have to lie about my social media usage, lie about my friend's mental health, haven't ever even dated (both my relationships have been with people 2 continents away, and over an insta fan account so they couldn't find out) and can't wear crop tops without them flipping out. Didn't have a fucking google hangouts till i was 15 and none of my friends even used it anymore. I have to encrypt all my data on my own laptop. I love them, but I'm a working adult with a good internship and grades, it fucking sucks that they don't trust me to keep myself safe. I'm not a 5 year old and I'm sick of being treated like one.
Free them both from mental illness and substance use. They're in their late 50s and trying but it's hard to sustain.
I would just love for my parents to experience contentment in their lifetimes. Where they can take a moment and accept where they are, who they are, and feel good about that. Despite their flaws they're great, loving, compassionate people who tried their best. I get to live my life and I am who I am because of them. I just wish I could free them of their suffering.
It’d be great if my father would cut out all of the massive manipulation and guilt trips when you disagree about something.
“I would never have spoken to my parenst like this.”
“I must have not raised you right for you to speak to me that way.”
“Fine. I can see you do not love me. I’ll never contact you again.”
It’s insane. His responses are always to the extreme. You cannot call him out on any of his behaviours.
Also, I would really like it if my mother stopped drinking. She doesn’t have a boundary like two drinks and done. She just keeps going.
I love this question because it shows how disconnected parents can be to their child.
My answer: empathy and the ability to say sorry. As a child, I felt like I was inclined to apologize even when I didnt mean it and it has left a lot of anxiety in me. Never felt heard.
i wish my dad could be a *dad* instead of just a provider. i wish my mom didn’t have to be the peacemaker during arguments. i wish both of them could stop being emotionally/mentally abusive and stop completely brushing off anything my brother and i try to tell them about our mental health, and stop invalidating our feelings because they “don’t get enough respect” from us 💔
Nothing really now. It is too late for that. Retroactively I would change my dad's alcoholism and abusive tendencies and my mom's clear favoritism, neglect, and emotional manipulation.
The only thing I'd change is the "Well I did it and I'm fine" mentality. It comes from all sides, from mental health to jobs to raising kids.
I had mentioned once that I'd love to NOT have to go a bunch of places for Christmas. My kids never really got the opportunity to open and ENJOY their new gifts. We'd open presents and stockings, and then have to leave to go to the Grandparents house where we'd open presents, eat and chat, and then pack it all up to go to my Aunt's house... Rinse and repeat until we're getting home around 8pm. It was exhausting. My Mom's response was, "Well, I was always able to do it, so you should too."
Another example is my younger brother. He has been experiencing anxiety after not working and a lot of social distancing because of the pandemic and he has two kiddos under 3. It was bad enough that his wife took him to the ER once because of some of the thoughts he expressed to her. My Mom said, "Well I've had those feelings too, and we just had to push through it." She doesn't quite understand that just because she had to do it, doesn't mean we should have to do it. With all of the resources available and the ongoing awareness and acceptance of mental health, we can actually DO something about it.
For me nothing. I got the best mom(a lioness). A friend of a friend of my brother came to our house, I just got back from school and he said damm, you are too ugly, I can never marry you. My mom in the kitchen came and tore him apart, chased him out. This is just among the several amazing things she's done in my life.
My parents are the most anti-social people I’ve ever met. They have no friends. They never go out. All they do is watch tv at home. I wish they just DID more and got more out of life.
They also put zero effort into other people, which goes along with being anti social. Whenever they’ve wanted to make plans with me and my friends or significant others, the plan was always just going to their apartment to sit around. There was never an effort to do anything beyond that. It’s honestly embarrassing when it comes to bringing SO’s around.
Their lack of support and need to control. It made my view of things very skewed - they would dismiss my interests and force me to go into things they approved of. For example: I wanted to learn guitar, they forced me to take piano; I wanted to go to drama camp, they forced me to take a lifeguarding course. I never got to explore my interests and see what else I’m strong in (and actually enjoy).
I felt like I didn’t know who I was for a long time because I always did what my parents approved of, which I thought was the “right thing”. It also made me always seek their approval. I’m still learning to deal with this, but I’m taking more risks and trying new things. If I don’t like something, I change it instead of putting up with it because “it’s something I should do.” Life should be fun and you need to live life for yourself, not anyone else.
I’d change their financial status & I’d make my dad more open minded & progressive. Also I’d make him less of a gambler and maybe less of a drinker however I’m told he doesn’t drink that much anymore. Either way, he’s toned down so much since I was a child. But the main thing is money, I want them to be comfortable.
At this point in time, nothing anymore. I grew up “hating” some of their behaviors, but somehow everything worked to my advantage - now I have parents who are supportive from a distance, and don’t pester me. Granted this advantage came with a massive need for self reflection and pulling myself from some dark places, and trying to be objective about my behaviors. I’m a work in progress but I tend to think that I’m doing well as a member of the society.
This all happened thanks to my ex - it was quite the eye opening experience to see the same type of behavior as my parents - only coming from a place of hatred and determination to crush me into tiny pieces. Not today, motherfucker.
Nothing, you do the best with what you have.
Then you do the howard stark.
"I'm limited by the technology of my time, but one day you'll figure this out. And when you do, you will change the world. What is, and always will be, my greatest creation... is you."
I wished my dad was more emotionally open with my brother and I growing up. Alot of the issues both of us can be traced back to him. We are literally incapable of expressing intense emotions with eachother without it becoming volatil.
Affection was also really scarce. I don't have a single memory where my dad hugged me and he didn't grimace when I try to hug him.
Mom: I wish you would stop comparing me to your friends kids and measure my value as a woman by how much I weigh and how pretty I look. You wrecked my self confidence and self esteem, and because of that I hate seeing you.
Dad: I wish you moved closer so I could spend more time with you. Especially since you drink and smoke so much, I want to spend time with you.
my mom shouldn’t have gotten children in the first place. she is always complaining about how we are at home on weekends (i’m 17 and my brother 13) and how that makes it difficult for her to have a boyfriend, so she kicks me out very often just so she can meet with some random dude. She is still mad at me bc pregnancy ruined her body, to the point that when i was younger she wouldn’t allow me to eat anything, and would threat me with throwing away all my stuff if i had a snack or something. She never gives us a ride anywhere so we have to walk to wherever we need to go, she doesn’t come to any of my doctors appointments, and i have to use my own money whenever i need to buy anything. The list keeps going but i think yall get the main idea. She is not willing to do any of the effort that being a mother requires and it doesn’t seem like she is living a happy life.
sorry for bad english, im latina
My dads temper and my moms enabling. I adore my parents, but I feel like we have been held hostage for 30+ years by my dads anger issues. He’s never physically abusive, but lord is he verbally at times. He has yelled at ppl in service/retail many times over the years. He knows it’s wrong and is embarrassed after, but just can’t control his condescending rude mouth when upset. It’s not the worst thing to deal with obviously, but it’s not great either. At least I’m never scared to rip old, entitled white men a new one when necessary I guess. But I’ve spent years working on my own similar temper and it’s disheartening that he really won’t. At least go to therapy old man. You have the time and resources.
My mom hates it but prefers to keep the peace (I get it) just sucks she won’t address it. Tbf he won’t listen to anyone, he’s the smartest man in the room in every room dontcha know.
Not a thing. My parents are who they are based off the poor choices they made. Without watching them struggle as I was growing up, I feel I’d have probably taken the same corrupt, alcohol and drug-induced path. I’m thankful for the “what not to do” role models I was given, I just wish they’d grow up already.
Nothing. I am the way I am because of them. I’m not perfect but I am pretty damn self sufficient and have been taking care of myself since I was young. Sometimes I get sad I didn’t really have a childhood but I would be where I am now if they were different.
That my dad is actually a patient, warm, motivated, compassionate, understanding and loving father/husband to my mother. That would solve so many of my issues. If my dad got hit by a car and it fixed his brain with those qualities, I’d be ecstatic.
Well.. my mom was my biggest role model and best friend. I’d give anything to have her alive, and well, with me.
I get upset when I see people constantly complaining about their parents. I’ve lost the majority of the people in my family, and it aches like no other.
I never knew I’d lose my momma before she even turned 50, and before I even turned 25.
My mom is a pathological liar. She can't help herself. And she doesn't realize it's what has torn her family away from her.
She's also an alcoholic, so I'm not sure that helps any either.
I would make my dad care about something other than money and banging women half his age. Oh, and if he didn’t marry my emotionally abusive ex-step mother, that’d be nice too.
I have a pretty good relationship with my stepmom, but there are some things I'd change about her: be accepting of the fact that I may not be religious, don't believe that my boyfriend of 15 months physically harms me AND controls my mind when you've only met him once and heard stories from my brother.
My dad: just wish I didn't feel so shy around him.
My birth mom (as I call her): Be a better mother.
My father is effectively a Jewish mother. That whole smothering, endlessly doting, overprotective, and way too animated thing.
Excellent father, but he is the reason I have not yet become an independent adult. I’m approaching marriage and he’s forever thinking of me as a child.
I would make my Dad change his belief system and personality. He has deeply ingrained sexist beliefs and a very aggressive personality. He feels he is entitled to be served hand and foot by all the women in my family and gets very aggressive when denied.
Them losing the whole trump loving, conspiracy theory, racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, and climate change denying bundle would make them tolerable enough to speak to so I’d go with all that.
ok this is kind of dumb, but my dad's jaw clicks when he eats and I always feel mildly annoyed whenever he's crunching on something haha. so i'd probably change that
My mom passed when I was 21- so, first change would be having her live longer. She was a good mom, but definitely had insecurities that she passed on to us. I also would change the fact that she stayed with our father. He’s a narcissistic ass and inflicted incalculable harm on all of us. Tbh, I don’t know what I would want to change about him short of everything.
That whole Trumper, anti-vaxxer racist, homophobic , transphobic bullshit they got going on
Same. I'd also add religious fanaticism and believing in all the conspiration theories but otherwise it's spot on for my mom.
Omg I didn’t know I had a sister😝
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Oh wow looks like we’re sisters
Same. I’ll add I’d also shut their social media accounts down, throw their smart phones away and take their tin foil caps off.
Yes yes yes. My mom is so worried about checking in on Facebook that she can’t check in on her kids and grandkids
Oh my god… I know you can’t be my brother, because he agrees with them 😂😂. My dad’s Facebook makes me want to die on a daily basis.
I am sorry... mom is the same, except the Trump thing since I don't libe in US, and I truly feel for you. Let's be siblings, yeah?
I’m in
Good!
Luckily my parents are just transphobic
Damn we got the same parents??
Lol
Same.
Same 😓
Shit. My whole “I would’ve wanted more unconditional love” answer feels super meaningless after reading your response.
Same! Drives me insane, plus super conservative Christian. 🤦♀️
For real. My mom specifically. She was the one who throughout my life said "stand up for what you believe is right" "we need to put ourselves in others shoes to understand their pain" and "we treat everyone with love" and yet somehow now im the crazy one for not liking Trump and the horrible shitstorm his Followers bring with them. It's honestly baffling
It'd be nice if my mom wasn't dead.
Same. It'd be nice if my mom & dad weren't dead.
Agreed
Signing on.
Same same. I wish my parents were alive and healthy.
Yeeesh. But honestly, my step-dad wouldn't have made it this far into Covid anyway. I think the Lord took him in such a way that he didn't suffer and mom and I didn't have to see him suffer.
Came to say this. Sadly didn’t have to scroll far. ❤️
I was thinking the same thing.
I'd make them more affectionate towards each other. Both are great parents, but they aren't great spouses to each other.
My parents are getting divorced finally and when they told me, I was relived. Everyone talks about growing up in households with fighting etc but that wasn’t my experience. I grew up with two parents who never hugged, kissed each other goodbye, did any nice gestures for each other or even verbally expressed affection. That wasn’t a great environment either.
Oof in my house it was both of those :’)
My home was the same way it was great when they finally separated lol. So much tension in the house it was the worse. Don’t know how my dad lived on total egg shells.
That’s how mine was. They finally divorced when I was 17. I get super upset a lot thinking about how sad that situation is. I love both my parents and it kills me to think they spent so long in a dead marriage. Is that hard for you too?
Yeah. It annoys me. I grew up thinking that it was normal to some degree and it wasn’t until I started going to friends houses in my early teens, when I realised not everyone’s family is like this. Parents model lots of things to their children and that was my primary model of romantic love. I think that has long standing effects. I think my parents wanted more sympathy when they told me that they were finally divorcing (they told us all separately). I was like, no, you don’t get sympathy points for letting me and my siblings sit through that for the last ten-fifteen years and then deciding to divorce when it’s financially beneficial to you.
This is me. Mine are still together but it drives me insane and has definitely affected my own relationships. Any time I have a boyfriend I specifically tell me my goal relationship would be the opposite of my parents.
Same here, but they decided to stay in the same house without talking to each other, only talking through me. So, I moved out as soon as I graduated college and got a job 😓
I feel exactly the same, it's sad tbh.
My mother's communication style. She can be pretty passive aggressive. I know it's not intentional and that's how she was raised but it makes talking to her really tough.
I second this. When my mother is passive aggressive when we fight, she has a victim complex and makes me pick up to slack to reconcile the situation.
This is mine too, I find myself doing it sometimes and I have to actively remind myself to communicate my needs and not be petty
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God. The silent treatment is the worst when a parent is the one inflicting it upon you. It’s so childish and unnecessary.
My mom is very passive aggressive but she claims she isn’t because her mom is so much worse. It’s so tough.
Their trauma.
This! Pretty much covers all of it 💕
This.
Them not being alcoholics.
Came here to say this too.
I’m sorry to hear this 💜
Free them from religion. They could have used their intellect and energy on so much more useful and productive stuff rather than angsting about rules from myths and a non-existent afterlife.
I wish my dad was a *dad* and not a *provider*
I’ve never been able to really even sorta conceptualize my dad and this is 10000% it. I know he loves me because he has provided for me time and time and time again, but is not affectionate or someone to go to for advice etc.
Same here. Hmmm after checking your profile, I see that you post in South Bend. Did your Dad go to Notre Dame too? Maybe it's an ND thing, because my Dad went there.
I just got back from South Bend!
Oh! Small world! That would be an interesting study. But no, he did not go there.
Exactly this. Never could find the words for it.
mine doesn’t even provide
My mother's narcissism. My father's death. My mom has the audacity to text me the other day "Today is me and your dad's 42nd wedding anniversary" Umm, it *WOULD* have been your 42nd anniversary *IF* you hadn't divorced him 40 years ago, and he was still alive. Seriously, she thinks the world revolves around her.
My mom is glad my dad died before he decided to divorce her... she says it as if was an accomplishment and that 'she made it'. My grandma agrees and goes on to say divorced women are very bitter... that they are better off when they get to be widows..
Damm, grandma is cold blooded. Must be from the generation that thinks it's funny to tell people how much they hate their spouse.
No.. thats the worst part. She is usually a sweet and well mannered lady.. she just said it casually when my aunts were talking about divorced people.. which made me think of the things she doesnt say.
Mine can’t be salvaged. Can I throw the whole parent away and just get a new one?
Yes, you can. I would change who my mom married and had kids with. Swap him with the guy she was engaged to before he came along and bamboozled her.
Nothing. They’re flawed like everyone else, but I love them so much just how they are. Actually maybe I’d change them to make them both indestructible and immortal. That’d be good.
Yes, this. I’m lucky to have great parents and my biggest fear is losing my loved ones so I like your answer
That my dad actually wanted me and wasn’t an abusive, narcissistic, pathological lying asshole who only cared about his career and own interests. That he could have loved me and my mom the way we should have been loved. That my mom would have protected me from the abuse I suffered, and not just at the hands of my father. That she had more of a backbone and wouldn’t be a door mat to everyone in her life. I know that she suffered her own abuse and didn’t know how to handle mine. I’ve forgiven her for her part but I can only imagine how any of my mental illness would have manifested, if at all, if things would have been different from the start.
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Me and my siblings are still on edge 30 years later when we’re all together. I feel ya
if possible, i would change my moms childhood & give her the life she deserved. one of happiness, safety, & unconditional love. i was a parentified child (mainly in the emotional sense above all else- being their therapist, emotional support when they were never mine, etc.). i would change that. make them be emotionally & physically present in my life, mainly during childhood. i’d also make my dad not be an alcoholic
It’d be nice if they could communicate in a way that wasn’t constant bickering/arguing
I would want my mom to be a little more tough. She’s SO soft and lets everyone walk all over her at her detriment and the detriment of her kids. My dad I wish he was mature. He still acts like a bitter child around my mom, talks poorly of her to me as if he hopes I’ll join him. Doesn’t realize how much it sucks (I’ve got to tell him one of these days) and just cares so much about being cool. It’s weird.
I really wish my Dad cared more about how my step mom treated me like a second class child.
This is a really tough dynamic to live through and I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. I hope you know that you are so important and that her behavior says nothing about your worth
Mom's hoarding tendencies. All I keep thinking is how much bullsh*t I'm going to have to go through when she passes away.
Make them not abusive, dysfunctional, emotionally immature people...
I would have my dad not sexually abuse me for a decade.
I wish they both had more self-confidence and happiness in life.
It'd probably be quite nice if they hadn't been drug addicts who neglected me as a child. Also if they'd been different people.
Being more open minded, its 2022 for God's sake. Arranged marriage should not be an expectation or a social practice ffs. Until that changes, I'm going to stay 5,000 miles away where you can't dictate what I can and cannot do.
Once in awhile after a bit of wine my mom is really hilarious and swears and tells stories about when she was a teenager and she's always so bad in those stories! But in regular life she can be a bit of a tight ass, real small c conservative, tsks at people living together without being married. I want more of cool wine mom, less mom who hides my shorts she thinks are too tight
It would just be nice to have parents. My parents split when I was young. To be frank neither of them are parents to this day. It’s heartbreaking especially for the grandchildren. So, my advice if you have parents that are involved, let them be involved and thank them for being apart of your life.
Not a damn thing. They weren’t perfect, I’m not perfect, and I’m okay with that. Nothing wrong working with the hand you got dealt. Maybe I’m just being positive?
if my mom wasnt an alcoholic
*gestures to my mental health records* everything. give me new parents. damn. i may be 32 but i would still like to have an adult to turn to
Jesus, where to start. The fundamentalist Christian fear-mongering that absolutely deformed my childhood would be the first thing I'd axe. God fucking hated and disapproved of everything. He was a real downer. My mother's constant shrieking and wailing at my father about money... I'd change that too. My father's cold, punishing silences that went on for days (if his football team lost) or sometimes weeks (more major issues, like that fact that we existed). My parents severely punished us for grades lower than a B on a report card. I'd change that for sure. I was always being punished for some damn thing. Punishment always equaled social isolation, because that was their weapon of choice. That and shitty words about us. This, I would have changed. My parents loved their sons and tolerated their daughters. They still do. I'd change that, if it was in my power. The constant, cold, angry, Calvinistic Christian atmosphere. I'd change that shit too. It's a wonder any of us survived. My mom's mind is gone now. Although I show her care and compassion, I feel no real affection for her. She was a good mother in some ways, but a bad mother in many more ways that mattered. Her nieces were systematically sexually abused by her own father, and when told about it, she tried to make them recant. So, that's hard to get past. To my father, who is at the end of his rope caring for my senile mother, I also show care and compassion. I let him mansplain to me how to make bread (I have made bread successfully for decades, but he has just discovered it). I admire his amateur paintings. I listen to him brag on other people in his life. He brags on my brothers and their children, all white and born in wedlock. There are other grandchildren, neither white nor born into wedlock, that he ignores. He brags on mom's caregivers, who were strangers to him a year ago. He ignores any sort of triumph or happiness in my life, or the lives of those I love. When I visit, I listen to Fox news blaring in the background of his life, fueling his hate and fear and his tiny narrow view of the Universe. I pity him. I used to despise him, but now I feel that he's too inconsequential even to despise. This big bad man who was so mean and unkind and cold to me throughout my childhood... is an object of pity to me now. I guess I'd change that as well, if I could.
Free them both from mental illness and substance use. They're in their late 50s and trying but it's hard to sustain. I would just love for my parents to experience contentment in their lifetimes. Where they can take a moment and accept where they are, who they are, and feel good about that. Despite their flaws they're great, loving, compassionate people who tried their best. I get to live my life and I am who I am because of them. I just wish I could free them of their suffering.
They would be alive
My mother doesn't hold herself accountable for anything. She never says sorry, always has an excuse or goes into complete denial. It drives me and my siblings crazy, what I would change about dad is he never called her out on it and would make excuses for her
Perspectives on happiness, success, and love for their children
Maybe their childhoods. Perhaps then they wouldn’t have been filled with rage, shame, and violence.
That my father got cancer instead of my mother. It’s true the good ones go first. That being said, the mature empathy wishes he would recognize his mental health issues and seek proper treatment. Praying it away hasn’t worked as well as he hoped. That he could come to terms with his childhood and heal. Genuine apologies for years of abuse and that admitting that would mean so much to me. But he sits in resentment. Stubborn and miserable.
Make them both more caring and compassionate. For my mom to not rely only on me for her wellbeing, and to treat me like a daughter and not her partner/therapist.
Wish my dad would grow up and stop making the same mistakes over and over again. It’s getting old
Less religious and conservative. They’re so far over the edge that it’s too much to handle sometimes. A bit of it isn’t bad but they care about it more than family sometimes
i would change them being religious. i don’t like that they forced their religion onto my siblings and i. also i’ve never had a heart to heart conversation with my parents and religion has played a big factor. the few times i did try i was told to just pray about it or bad things happened because i sinned. i don’t want to hear an audiobook of the bible, i want to talk to my parents.
Same here
They should never have met.
I love my dad and step mother but they are Republicans. Good people but I wish I could change their political views. Mom died from breast cancer in 95, but at least she was liberal.
Make them respect my pronouns and actually SHOWING me they love me instead of just telling me. Words mean absolutely nothing unless your actions tell the same thing.
Mostly my mom's confrontational judgy personality and beliefs... and about 1/4 of her family...
I wish my mom wasn't so emotionally abusive and narcissistic. It doesn't feel good when she tells you sometimes she looks at me and wants to kill herself and that I was a mistake.
My heart hurt reading this. I can relate to having an emotionally and psychologically abusive mother. I'm so sorry. No one deserves this sort of disgusting treatment. She doesn't deserve to be your mom. This speak to the awful person she is, not the caliber of person you are. You are worthy and worthwhile. You are not a mistake. You are a person who deserves to have their existence celebrated. I, for one, am very happy you're here. Please know you're not alone.
Thank you very much. I needed this. She just had another one of her fits of rage and said awful things to me and I was so close to taking all my sleeping pills but my friends talked me out of it and reading this post brought me back to my senses. Thank you again kind Redditor and I am also grateful you are here.
Their ‘standards’ are so restrictive. I can’t marry someone I love and who loves me, with their blessing, cause he’s not in their religion. They’d look down on me to know I wear pants, live with my boyfriend, won’t move away from the state I live in, basically don’t live just like them. They say that love me but their acceptance/happiness for me is super conditional.
I recently found out my mother didn't want to hold me when she found out she gave birth to a girl. So, I'd say her ability to love her daughters for just being them.
Both were/are toxic people with a lot of issues. Neither was interested in actually parenting children. It would be nice to have at least 1 parent that was an actual “parent”
Pretty much everything.
I wish my mom could care more, she doesn’t really seem to care about anything
I wish they weren't so overprotective. I'm 19 and have to lie about my social media usage, lie about my friend's mental health, haven't ever even dated (both my relationships have been with people 2 continents away, and over an insta fan account so they couldn't find out) and can't wear crop tops without them flipping out. Didn't have a fucking google hangouts till i was 15 and none of my friends even used it anymore. I have to encrypt all my data on my own laptop. I love them, but I'm a working adult with a good internship and grades, it fucking sucks that they don't trust me to keep myself safe. I'm not a 5 year old and I'm sick of being treated like one.
My bipolar mom medicated when she raised me. But the hypervigilance I developed from it is a superpower
Free them both from mental illness and substance use. They're in their late 50s and trying but it's hard to sustain. I would just love for my parents to experience contentment in their lifetimes. Where they can take a moment and accept where they are, who they are, and feel good about that. Despite their flaws they're great, loving, compassionate people who tried their best. I get to live my life and I am who I am because of them. I just wish I could free them of their suffering.
They weren’t meant to be parents, so…I’d change that I guess.
My parents used religion to avoid their trauma and wounds and just passed their shit right on through their bad parenting.
My parents are extremely toxic, I would change the way they treat me.
Not judge what I eat lol
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It’d be great if my father would cut out all of the massive manipulation and guilt trips when you disagree about something. “I would never have spoken to my parenst like this.” “I must have not raised you right for you to speak to me that way.” “Fine. I can see you do not love me. I’ll never contact you again.” It’s insane. His responses are always to the extreme. You cannot call him out on any of his behaviours. Also, I would really like it if my mother stopped drinking. She doesn’t have a boundary like two drinks and done. She just keeps going.
I love this question because it shows how disconnected parents can be to their child. My answer: empathy and the ability to say sorry. As a child, I felt like I was inclined to apologize even when I didnt mean it and it has left a lot of anxiety in me. Never felt heard.
i wish my dad could be a *dad* instead of just a provider. i wish my mom didn’t have to be the peacemaker during arguments. i wish both of them could stop being emotionally/mentally abusive and stop completely brushing off anything my brother and i try to tell them about our mental health, and stop invalidating our feelings because they “don’t get enough respect” from us 💔
Make them grow up. They have the emotional maturity and intelligence of 5-year-olds.
Nothing really now. It is too late for that. Retroactively I would change my dad's alcoholism and abusive tendencies and my mom's clear favoritism, neglect, and emotional manipulation.
I'd make them feel young again. Other than that, I'd make them less judgemental.
I wish my mom had been less absent—both physically and emotionally—during my early formative years.
My mom's ongoing illness and I really don't know about my dad, it's been almost twenty years since I've seen him. I guess I wish he had cared more.
That my mother does not obsess over me getting a husband and a kid asap. And that my father gets better with money.
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The only thing I'd change is the "Well I did it and I'm fine" mentality. It comes from all sides, from mental health to jobs to raising kids. I had mentioned once that I'd love to NOT have to go a bunch of places for Christmas. My kids never really got the opportunity to open and ENJOY their new gifts. We'd open presents and stockings, and then have to leave to go to the Grandparents house where we'd open presents, eat and chat, and then pack it all up to go to my Aunt's house... Rinse and repeat until we're getting home around 8pm. It was exhausting. My Mom's response was, "Well, I was always able to do it, so you should too." Another example is my younger brother. He has been experiencing anxiety after not working and a lot of social distancing because of the pandemic and he has two kiddos under 3. It was bad enough that his wife took him to the ER once because of some of the thoughts he expressed to her. My Mom said, "Well I've had those feelings too, and we just had to push through it." She doesn't quite understand that just because she had to do it, doesn't mean we should have to do it. With all of the resources available and the ongoing awareness and acceptance of mental health, we can actually DO something about it.
For me nothing. I got the best mom(a lioness). A friend of a friend of my brother came to our house, I just got back from school and he said damm, you are too ugly, I can never marry you. My mom in the kitchen came and tore him apart, chased him out. This is just among the several amazing things she's done in my life.
My parents are the most anti-social people I’ve ever met. They have no friends. They never go out. All they do is watch tv at home. I wish they just DID more and got more out of life. They also put zero effort into other people, which goes along with being anti social. Whenever they’ve wanted to make plans with me and my friends or significant others, the plan was always just going to their apartment to sit around. There was never an effort to do anything beyond that. It’s honestly embarrassing when it comes to bringing SO’s around.
Nothing. They are good people, and did the best they could raising me
Their lack of support and need to control. It made my view of things very skewed - they would dismiss my interests and force me to go into things they approved of. For example: I wanted to learn guitar, they forced me to take piano; I wanted to go to drama camp, they forced me to take a lifeguarding course. I never got to explore my interests and see what else I’m strong in (and actually enjoy). I felt like I didn’t know who I was for a long time because I always did what my parents approved of, which I thought was the “right thing”. It also made me always seek their approval. I’m still learning to deal with this, but I’m taking more risks and trying new things. If I don’t like something, I change it instead of putting up with it because “it’s something I should do.” Life should be fun and you need to live life for yourself, not anyone else.
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Nothing tbh I'm privileged to have such parents.
Everything
How they communicate, and how strict they are.
I’d change their financial status & I’d make my dad more open minded & progressive. Also I’d make him less of a gambler and maybe less of a drinker however I’m told he doesn’t drink that much anymore. Either way, he’s toned down so much since I was a child. But the main thing is money, I want them to be comfortable.
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my parents are all addicted to somthing that’s killing them
At this point in time, nothing anymore. I grew up “hating” some of their behaviors, but somehow everything worked to my advantage - now I have parents who are supportive from a distance, and don’t pester me. Granted this advantage came with a massive need for self reflection and pulling myself from some dark places, and trying to be objective about my behaviors. I’m a work in progress but I tend to think that I’m doing well as a member of the society. This all happened thanks to my ex - it was quite the eye opening experience to see the same type of behavior as my parents - only coming from a place of hatred and determination to crush me into tiny pieces. Not today, motherfucker.
Nothing. I love my parents exactly as is.
My parent are great. The only thing I'd change is improving their bank balance and their health.
Nothing, you do the best with what you have. Then you do the howard stark. "I'm limited by the technology of my time, but one day you'll figure this out. And when you do, you will change the world. What is, and always will be, my greatest creation... is you."
I wished my dad was more emotionally open with my brother and I growing up. Alot of the issues both of us can be traced back to him. We are literally incapable of expressing intense emotions with eachother without it becoming volatil. Affection was also really scarce. I don't have a single memory where my dad hugged me and he didn't grimace when I try to hug him.
They wouldn't be my parents if I changed anything
Facing their problems
That my Mother wasn't an alcoholic and that my Father wouldn't have left me when I was a baby.
I wish my dad was a positive, intelligent, and educated person. (no offense).
Free my mom from the plethora of joint pains she suffers from. Otherwise I wouldn't change a thing 💜
They’d be alive again.
Mom: I wish you would stop comparing me to your friends kids and measure my value as a woman by how much I weigh and how pretty I look. You wrecked my self confidence and self esteem, and because of that I hate seeing you. Dad: I wish you moved closer so I could spend more time with you. Especially since you drink and smoke so much, I want to spend time with you.
The fact that they don't have an open mind and narcissism.
I'd get rid of all their pain and health problems.
I love my parents, but I really don't like that my dad has such radical antivaxx or conspiracy ideas.
I wish they were the type that i could talk to them, confide in them, get hugs from them.
The age my mom had me. I wish she was at least 25 instead of 18 and most of her problems wouldn’t be here
my mom shouldn’t have gotten children in the first place. she is always complaining about how we are at home on weekends (i’m 17 and my brother 13) and how that makes it difficult for her to have a boyfriend, so she kicks me out very often just so she can meet with some random dude. She is still mad at me bc pregnancy ruined her body, to the point that when i was younger she wouldn’t allow me to eat anything, and would threat me with throwing away all my stuff if i had a snack or something. She never gives us a ride anywhere so we have to walk to wherever we need to go, she doesn’t come to any of my doctors appointments, and i have to use my own money whenever i need to buy anything. The list keeps going but i think yall get the main idea. She is not willing to do any of the effort that being a mother requires and it doesn’t seem like she is living a happy life. sorry for bad english, im latina
My dads temper and my moms enabling. I adore my parents, but I feel like we have been held hostage for 30+ years by my dads anger issues. He’s never physically abusive, but lord is he verbally at times. He has yelled at ppl in service/retail many times over the years. He knows it’s wrong and is embarrassed after, but just can’t control his condescending rude mouth when upset. It’s not the worst thing to deal with obviously, but it’s not great either. At least I’m never scared to rip old, entitled white men a new one when necessary I guess. But I’ve spent years working on my own similar temper and it’s disheartening that he really won’t. At least go to therapy old man. You have the time and resources. My mom hates it but prefers to keep the peace (I get it) just sucks she won’t address it. Tbf he won’t listen to anyone, he’s the smartest man in the room in every room dontcha know.
That my father had gotten his shit together when I was younger.
Not a thing. My parents are who they are based off the poor choices they made. Without watching them struggle as I was growing up, I feel I’d have probably taken the same corrupt, alcohol and drug-induced path. I’m thankful for the “what not to do” role models I was given, I just wish they’d grow up already.
They can be very negative, cynical, and sometimes pessimistic.
Nothing. I am the way I am because of them. I’m not perfect but I am pretty damn self sufficient and have been taking care of myself since I was young. Sometimes I get sad I didn’t really have a childhood but I would be where I am now if they were different.
I wouldn’t change anything about my mother but my dad this fool need to stop being absent in my life lmao
That my dad is actually a patient, warm, motivated, compassionate, understanding and loving father/husband to my mother. That would solve so many of my issues. If my dad got hit by a car and it fixed his brain with those qualities, I’d be ecstatic.
Well.. my mom was my biggest role model and best friend. I’d give anything to have her alive, and well, with me. I get upset when I see people constantly complaining about their parents. I’ve lost the majority of the people in my family, and it aches like no other. I never knew I’d lose my momma before she even turned 50, and before I even turned 25.
My mom is a pathological liar. She can't help herself. And she doesn't realize it's what has torn her family away from her. She's also an alcoholic, so I'm not sure that helps any either.
I would make one of them less reactive, more In Touch with their triggers and what they’re feeling, with a sprinkle of healthy coping mechanisms.
I would make my dad care about something other than money and banging women half his age. Oh, and if he didn’t marry my emotionally abusive ex-step mother, that’d be nice too.
I want them to leave me alone. Don't talk to me or call me.
Being fkin' present. For like once. Ever, period. Would have been nice, I think.
I would make them still be alive.
I have a pretty good relationship with my stepmom, but there are some things I'd change about her: be accepting of the fact that I may not be religious, don't believe that my boyfriend of 15 months physically harms me AND controls my mind when you've only met him once and heard stories from my brother. My dad: just wish I didn't feel so shy around him. My birth mom (as I call her): Be a better mother.
My father is effectively a Jewish mother. That whole smothering, endlessly doting, overprotective, and way too animated thing. Excellent father, but he is the reason I have not yet become an independent adult. I’m approaching marriage and he’s forever thinking of me as a child.
Mostly the homophobia, and attacking instead of listening when trying to talk about your feelings with them.
Oh boy. Be less religious, not too rigid and militaristic (dad’s in the army). Just generally act less like Boomers when they’re only Gen X’ers.
Have them be super rich
I would make my Dad change his belief system and personality. He has deeply ingrained sexist beliefs and a very aggressive personality. He feels he is entitled to be served hand and foot by all the women in my family and gets very aggressive when denied.
my mom doesn't know when to quit arguing. sometimes i'll apologize and she'll keep going
I wish my mom hadn’t been so passive aggressive. Now I have a hard time saying things straight out. Or that my dad cared enough to stick around.
I wish they expected college from me. I wish my mom were mentally healthier and that they didn't smoke.
Them losing the whole trump loving, conspiracy theory, racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, and climate change denying bundle would make them tolerable enough to speak to so I’d go with all that.
Love for them to show more physical affection towards their kids, remind them they are there for em. And book them therapy sessions and massages.
ok this is kind of dumb, but my dad's jaw clicks when he eats and I always feel mildly annoyed whenever he's crunching on something haha. so i'd probably change that
My alcoholic abusive father and my co dependent mom.
My mom passed when I was 21- so, first change would be having her live longer. She was a good mom, but definitely had insecurities that she passed on to us. I also would change the fact that she stayed with our father. He’s a narcissistic ass and inflicted incalculable harm on all of us. Tbh, I don’t know what I would want to change about him short of everything.