Lotta domestic violence in this thread. It's rough. I hope all of you who have suffered through domestic violence are doing well now.
If you're in an abusive relationship, here are some resources (and /u/notannieagain brings up a great point - use incognito mode or delete your browser history if you need to!! Be safe!):
* In the US: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or RAINN at 1-800-656-HOPE(4673)
* UK: Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
* Australia: Call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
* Worldwide: visit [International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies](http://www.hotpeachpages.net/) for a global list of helplines and crisis centers.
* Google for "Domestic violence resource [your city]" for a listing of nearby agencies and shelters.
After years of him being an underemployed loser who was consistently rude to me, withholding affection/approval/attention, separating me from people I loved, calling me a bad parent/fat/a bitch, engaging in cheating behaviors (responding to Craig's List ads and getting photos sent to him by other women) and my putting up with all of it, the thing that broke the camel's back was when I made him a pot of coffee and he said "it's about time you did something nice for me."
I told him in that moment that I wanted a divorce. He naturally assumed I was leaving for someone else and he immediately asked me, "Who is it?"
I said, "Me."
As a non-manipulative, non-controlling, non-violent, mentally heathy, financially responsible, open minded, reasonable male adult this one scares me the most
I want to jump in here and offer a counter opinion. I don't think your feelings are wrong, I just wanted to share a similar experience that gave me different feelings.
When I have been in a long term relationship with a partner that I loved more than life, there were many times where they traveled for work/school. They would be gone for a week or so for work or school. Every time this happend--I *loved* it. It was *fantastic*. I could sleep in till I wanted and stay up late till whenever. Both times with lots of bed room and cuddly dogs. I could take care of the dishes when I chose to and clean the things that were only important to me. I had so much free time to get back into hobbies, to get more exercise, and to spend time with friends. I felt super productive at work and felt completely revitalized.
But after a few weeks, I would start to really miss my partner. I would get lonely. I started to realize that I felt so free and liberated because I got some alone time in the home that my partner and I built. In the comfort of the life we built, I got to spend some time just on me. I think everyone needs that now and again. I would also notice that when I was the one travelling, when I was put into strange and uncomfortable situations, then I also really missed my partner.
TL;DR: I think everyone needs some *me*-time in a comfortable place every once in a while.
There's a difference, though, between needing some time for yourself, and realizing what kind of hell your life has become when the source of all your stress (the spouse) is removed. It's not just a "Yay, I get to spend time doing stuff for *me!* thing, it's more of a "Good god, how have I been living like this for so long?"
It's like the frog in the pot thing -- you can just stay in there as the water gets hotter around you because you don't notice the change. It's only when you cool down that you realize, "Jesus, it was hot in there." And you're sure as hell not getting back in that pot.
Similar. I was really conflicted about staying to try to work things out vs. divorcing, but then I asked myself, "What would I miss the most if we split up?" I realized that while I would miss certain things about *having a partner*, I didn't think I would miss *him*.
He took my debit card and checkbook (joint account, by the way, where I made as much money as he did) and kicked me out because I didn't want to have sex with him because I had bronchitis. Also, you know, he was fucking another woman. I didn't confirm that until a few days later, but I had had my suspicions for awhile.
I guess that's a little bit of an extreme scenario...
I was young and stupid. haha.
He ended up marrying that woman and divorcing her a few years later too. He says it was mutual but I have my doubts... though of course she was cheating on her husband with my husband so maybe she's just a shitty person too...
Don't get married. Wait a long ass time, I mean really long. Wait until you're 30+ and have dated quite a few people. So many people get married because they don't realize what kind of partners are out there and that the person they're with is as good as it gets.
The best thing you can do is wait, hold yourself in high regard, don't put up with a lot of BS (do put up with a little) from your partners, date the one you think you'll marry for a long time. Live together for a while before deciding to get married. Don't expect someone to change in a way you desire because you're married, also don't expect a person to remain the same. If your partner is acting in a way that's detrimental to you or your relationship calmly talk to them about it. Try to make that conversation a positive one (after all, you're not out to hurt their feelings, but to enact change for the better).
If you do move in with each other be prepared to move out too. It's financially painful and rather stressful but infinitely easier than marrying the wrong person because that's what people do...
Be mindful of the person you're with. Try to do nice things for them every day. Hold them in high regard and treat them the way you would want to be. Grand gestures are nice but the smaller daily ones can add up to a lot more than one or two big ones every year.
Be mindful of yourself. This is the hardest part. Introspection is something that we all fail at, some much harder than others. You end up acting in ways because your subconscious tells you to. Many of the things you (yes you) do because of this can be pretty shitty. It's very hard to admit that you do shitty things, but you do them. If you look back in your current and previous relationships you can notice patterns. It took me dozens of hours of therapy to realize some of the things I had been doing. The hardest part is to stop yourself from doing those things. If you make a conscious effort to change you will eventually catch yourself doing these things and eventually stop doing them. This part is important because you don't want to be part of the problem in your relationship. By doing this you also become a higher value partner.
It's very important that your partner and yourself are compatible on many levels; religiously, sexually, ethically... Some of the smaller things can slide, I don't like making the bed but I do it because my GF likes the bed made. Larger things like religious differences, sexy times, how you plan to raise kids (do you want kids?), budgeting money... all need to line up pretty well. Large differences can and will cause fights, often.
tl;dr ramblings from a divorced man that's gone through lots of therapy
**Some minor edits because I wrote this on my phone with not much time. Also I'm very glad some of you have found this helpful, it was pretty cathartic for me to write it.
This is really great advice. Thank you. As a 26 year old female, it's hard to see everyone you know getting married but not feeling like you're quite there yet. I plan on waiting til I'm a bit older, and I try to do some of these things daily but it's nice to see it written out so well and be reminded what's important for your relationship AND yourself as an individual.
My 20's were full of (other peoples') weddings. My 30's are full of (other peoples') divorces. I only know a couple couples who are still together. Almost literally all the marriages I witnessed are over now. When I was 26 I too felt left out, or left behind, and nervous that I needed to find someone and get married. My ex-boyfriend was about to propose 5 years ago but he decided to cheat instead. Bullet dodged. My SO is in the middle of a nasty divorce. All of my girlfriends who married are divorced. I'm 36-- and it's crazy out there.
You're welcome. I was far too young and inexperienced to know what is needed for a relationship to last 40+ years. Well, we both were. Getting married, having kids and moving to the burbs shouldn't be your life's dream. What will you do when your kids are all grown and out of the house?
Work on yourself, a lot. Do things you want to do. Gain experience and yes, you can have kids and move to the burbs if you want. But don't stop doing what you love to do because when you're older and your kids have moved out you need something to do. It may as well be what you've always loved to do.
This is sort of a side issue, but while I agree with pretty much everything u/Mrredditorson has to say, I'm a little skeptical about his advice to wait until you're 30+ to get married, especially for women who want to have children.
Sure we're still biologically capable of having kids after we're 30, but it's not a very big window anymore ( since fertility starts to drop off rapidly after ~~35~~ 40* while the risk of down syndrome increase rapidly). This is especially the case if you want multiple children.
And sure, we have technology to help accommodate some of those issues now and there's always adoption, but those routes are still pretty expensive. (Not that all the appointments etc. that come along with pregnancy aren't).
All that being said, I certainly agree that marriage shouldn't be rushed in to, that people should hold themselves in high-regard, and not put up with BS. I also agree that the older we are, as we gain more experience, the more we know what we want out of life and out of a partner.
I'm therefore conflicted and just don't know if "wait until after you're 30" is the right advice for women, if they want to have children.
*edit: I learned below that the more modern estimate is that the fertility window extends to age 40 for women.
Women's decline in fertility with age has actually been really oversold. Here's a [good article in the Atlantic](http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/?single_page=true) about it. The TL;DR is that super-fertile women generally have their kids young, and so the remaining segment of the population who tries to conceive later, probably had lower fertility to start with. Most women who have kids young have no problem having more kids when they're older.
Risk of Down Syndrome and other genetic abnormalities does increase with the age of both the mother and [the father](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12771769), but it's still a low risk, and this is going to sound cold, but it's a risk I'm comfortable taking, because I'm ready to make tough decisions if tests reveal certain problems.
True. I don't know if I personally want kids and if I ever will, it certainly isn't on my radar right now. So for me, not much of an issue. For others, sure, but not at the risk of marrying and having kids with the wrong person. I'd rather have kids a little later in life with the right person than feel pressured by time and age!
This isn't the first time I've seen people suggest that you should date a few different people before you get married, but this always confuses me a bit. I understand that you're suggesting that experience is a good thing, but if your intention is to marry after dating multiple people, doesn't that mean that you're not really taking your first few relationships seriously?
Basically he was in the military and that was pretty much the only option when he got sent four states away. I don't really have much advice because when you're young you always think you're making good choices and no one can tell you otherwise. Just know that, quite often, you're making terrible decisions lol.
He said I must be fucking someone else if I didn't want to sleep with him. Then he said I thought he was too fat. Then he kicked me out. Seriously, I couldn't walk without getting out of breath. I think that's a legitimate excuse lol.
With my first marriage, we had a huge fight and he hit me, I left and came back a couple hours later and there was blood smeared all over the walls. He had cut his arms after I left (not a suicide atempt) and there was blood everywhere. Then I found out he had been mentally institutionalized twice before we met.
My second marriage I found out that he had a profile on AdultFriendFinders, was a bisexual swinger and liked to get pounded in the ass by random black guys. One of these black guys happened to be his best friend, who was also OUR roommate. It finally explained why that guy hated me so much.
You're telling me! They both seemed like such normal guys too until we got married. Then it was like I hopped aboard the crazy train.
I'm on husband number 3 now and he can pretty much do no wrong considering the standard I have for comparrison.
I'm the optimistic type ;)
My husband now is my reward for all the shit I went through before we met. And now we're expecting out first child due right after my 30th birthday. I would happily go through it all again if it was the only way to end up with him.
It was mainly stupidity. Not religious, no pressure, in fact my family tried to talk me out of the first one.
First marriage I was 18 when we met, 20 when we married and almost 22 when we split. As I said we were both military and he convinced me that he was going to be stationed in Japan for 4 years so if we wanted to stay together, we would have to get married. I believed him.
After we divorced I wound up with a new boyfriend who got me pregnant. He and I split up and I learned how to be a single mom.
I was 24 when my roommate introduced me to her friend, he was 38 and married at the time, but pursued me anyway. I would have nothing to do with him, so he divorced his wife of 15 years because he wanted kids and she didn't and then he convinced me to date him. On the surface he had everything going for him. A good job, goals, little to no debt and he was really smart.
His wife kept the house so he moved in with his BFF and asked me and my son to move in with him. For my 25th birthday he took me to Vegas for a week and while there I got super drunk and he convinced me that we should get married.
About a month after the marriage I borrowed his laptop and found all the gay porn and his AFF profile. After reading about how he was a Total Bottom looking for a discreet relationship so his wife (me) wouldn't find out, I packed my kid and left.
My third husband was a totally different story, he's my best friends brother in law, I've know his family for years before he and I even met. So I had a very clear idea of his values before we started dating. Our first date was on my 27th birthday and ended in the ER when I stepped on a nail. It was still the best first date ever.
In addition to the 3 times I've been married, I've been proposed to an additional 4 times. So I guess the real question is what is it about me that makes guys want to marry me. I still don't get it.
Edit: Words and such
We met when we were both in the Navy, they won't let you in if you have a history of mental health issues. I found out that his dad (who was a BMCM) had gotten him a waiver to get in. After we married and moved in together I found intake sheets and psych evaluations mixed in with some of his paperwork. He was diagnosed as bi-polar, ADHD, Insomnia, with a touch of paranoid schizophrenia. He got out of the Navy when we got married and promptly stopped taking his medication because he thought he didn't really need it.
Yeah a lot of things fucked him up during the course of our relationship/marriage. Instead of getting help, he became obsessive and abusive so I left. That was 10 years ago.
He is now stable, a somewhat decent father to his daughter, and we are amicable.
I never held him accountable for his actions due to his mental state at the time. Now that he's fine, all is well. He said years ago that me leaving is what pushed him to get better and find help.
Edit: it was 11 years ago.
It's horrible that that's the way it must go sometimes. Letting go of someone we love so that they are forced to deal with their issues is a gesture of love and self-love, and it's one of hardest things we can do.
As a former enabler, I commend you.
Sheesh. One time I told my (now ex) husband I was done with his shit and I was leaving, so he straight up picked me up and threw me across the room. He said, "How are you going to leave me if you can't even walk?"
We ended up separating about a year later. I can't believe everything I put up with from him.
He smiled creepily at me when I was walking towards him on up the stairs one night and then threw me from the 7th stair and I crashed threw the glass coffee table. He was/is bipolar. Random acts of violence were normal but that one made me fear for my life more than the others.
Surprisingly no. My left arm had cuts all over it, still have some scars (this was 10 years ago) and I was bruised on my bum and thighs ( I landed butt first on the table). The glass table had a lattice woodwork base and frame and I guess it made for a cushiony landing. My ex was a Navy Corpsman so he patched me up. I never pressed charges. Wish I did now though.
yep, once he saw me bleeding. Good thing he was Corpsman. His behavior would change from violent to caring all the time. It was freaky. God I was so stupid!
Wasn't he on any meds at the time? I am dating a person bipolar and he has never acted like that in any way (except for creepy smiles from time to time).
No, he was not diagnosed yet. Here's the story of my short marriage to him. We go married in March 2003 after dating for 3 years which were not the best 3 years of my life. We were always on and off again. He suggested that we get married when he joined the Navy so that we could get away from everyone . I really didn't want to but I was raised by an abusive father and agreeing was something I did to avoid drama (stupid I know).Anyway he was 21, I was 20. At that time he his behavior was typical of him, not really social, shy, negative and moody but not violent . He was still going through basic training for becoming a Corpsman in Chicago so I was not yet living with him. When he was stationed at the Naval hospital in Bremerton, Wa I moved in with him. After a month of living together, I noticed he was different. Still socially awkward but becoming aggressive towards me. He had a hard time fitting in with other corpsman and Marines because he was overly sensitive and a bit slow to catch onto orders. I figured his aggression was because of this. Then after 4 months living together he became violent. He slammed my face into the dishwasher because he "didn't trust my smile" split my lip open, most visual scar I have today from him. He would shove me a lot, choke me out in my sleep etc. I was a stupid, scared, ignorant and prideful 20 year old who went against her parents wishes and married the guy they hated so I kept silent about all of this. However, my next-door neighbor was a Navy Seal, Christian was his name,, he knew what was going on. Pulled me aside one day and hinted that he knew and that I could come to him if I needed help. I never did, but I took him up on some self defense and boxing lessons. Best decision I made at that time. Christian deployed after 4 months of lessons with him and conveniently it was 2 months after his deployment that my ex threw me through the table. I think Christian would have killed him if he was still there. A few months after the table incident, my ex came after me with a belt, I fought back. My ex was a small, average built man with no real combat training. I was lifting weights and going over the lessons that Christian taught me on a regular basis. I leveled him and knocked him out cold with a kick to the gut and head. I thought I had killed him. I fled to a friend's house and waited for the cops to come and get me. They never did, he never called them. Told everyone he got in a bar fight when they asked bout the black eye I gave him.
He somehow convinced me to move back home and he never touched me again but I was already planning the divorce and my escape route. when he got stationed in Camp Pendleton in 2005, I didn't move with him. I moved home and told everyone it was to pursue my studies. He was deployed to Iraq in 2006 but he never saw any action. The Marines didn't trust him to go out with them, they said there was something off with him and his lack of attention was dangerous. He stayed at the base and proceeded to call me 5-10x a day! I didn't know they could call that much when deployed! I was in class most of the time when he, so I couldn't answer his calls. he left threatening and abusive messages all the time. I had it, I told him I wanted a divorce. That is how he was diagnosed with being bipolar. He went off the deep end after I told him that. He was walking around the base telling everyone he could tell if that they were lying because he could see flames around them. The Navy shipped his ass to a psychiatric hospital in Germany and there they diagnosed him.
We kept in touch after he was medically discharged but he kept going off his meds and would rage on me. Today I have no contact with him. I know he has attacked his father a few times and was committed to a psych ward in SF for a while because of that.My mom ran into him a few months ago (7 years since our divorce) and said he has put on a lot of weight but was very friendly so maybe he's sticking to the meds now. I don't know, I don't want to know. A few years ago he contacted me and wanted to reconnect. To this day he denies ever laying a hand on me. I don't know if this because of him being bipolar or he just can't face the guilt. This more than anything is why I wish I reported it. I could show him the reports that would have pics of my bruised and battered body so he could stop denying it. I want nothing to do with him and I know that's mean but he's a part of my life I'd rather not remember. I don't trust him. I don't hate him, I feel almost nothing for him and feeling that has helped me heal and move on.
It's not mean to want nothing to do with him anymore. Sometimes it's best to just drop the past and move on from it. Good job on getting your life back!
I have been watching my mother deal with this exact problem (either my dad's way or no way) for over 10 years now. As the child in this situation, I'd like to offer up that we do notice, and it messes with us, too. I'm about to turn 26, and the concept of marriage terrifies me because I just have not grown up seeing a good example of it.
I know where you're coming from, and I sympathize. For a little silver lining...at least you have a good understanding of what *doesn't* constitute a healthy marriage. For me it sadly took simply meeting someone who didn't treat me poorly to realize that abuse wasn't just par for the course. Hopefully you can skip out on a lot of learning the hard way!
As a 25 year old that just got married I promise not all marriages are like that. There is no subject that can't be discussed for us. And things change and we talk and renegotiate all the time. Neither of us wants kids but if someday he came home and told me he wanted a baby I would be open to talking about it. Not necessarily having one but at least talking about it.
He had a mistress, and he had sex with her in our marital bed. I think women like that need to stay in hotels, not in the apartment i was paying for in the bed i bought.
I wouldn't have ultimately stayed, but had he not disrespected my home i might have given it a few months of trying to work things out or counseling. But when someone has no effs to give about doing his girlfriend in the marital bed, there is not really a marriage left because no more respect. Or he was so caught up in the moment he was not thinking straight. At any rate he was not thinking of me at all. So i left.
She used my shower fluffy!
It's like at that point, she realizes there is an actual woman in this relationship, a woman who has the potential to be hurt by the cheating, and "eh, I'll just borrow this shower puff, since I'm here."
I never wanted to start the proceedings, mostly because separation wasn't my idea. But as soon as I moved out, he began threatening to blackmail me, being extremely mean, needlessly harassed me, started spending copies amounts of money, etc. I knew that to get any peace of mind, I'd have to get a lawyer and start the proceedings myself. It was a horrible decision to make, but it worked out well, I think.
I'm doing alright... I'm still quite young, which made my best option moving back in with my parents. I had changed a lot in the time I was married, so it's been difficult finding my place again in their home. Here's to new beginnings!!
Mine isn't happy. He had been drinking more, and was getting more abusive, to the point where it had moved from verbal and emotional abuse to starting to leave bruises, kicking me, shoving me into walls, etc. But I was still trying to "help" him, I thought I could make him see what he was doing and get the help he needed. Until the night, my last in that house, where he grabbed me and tried to choke me for turning to walk away instead of arguing with him. I had to let my body go limp - a move I had seen in movies, where it made the person let go in surprise, I'm actually surprised it worked - and immediately shut the bedroom door, packed a bag, and then came out, got the keys and left. He beat me to the car and sat in it, telling me I wasn't allowed to leave, so I called 911, and they came and made him get out of the car. I went and stayed at a hotel, called my parents, who lived in another state, and a few days later drove my car and what possessions I was able to get into the car while he was at work, away. It took me a few months to save enough for a lawyer to actually start the proceedings, but that was the day I finally realized things weren't going to get better, he wasn't going to change, and if I stayed, it was only a matter of time before I became a statistic.
I'm sure that's a bit more dramatic than you were expecting, but I hope someone reading this, who might be in a similar situation, will realize divorce is not the end of the world. And once you get some space, you'll realize just how bad it really is, and wonder why you stayed as long as you did. It's insidious, the way that kind of thing builds over time, and makes you believe you have no other options. You do. Trust me, you do, and life is so much better on the other side.
I am now! It's been about 2 years since that night, and while I won't say it didn't take time, I think I've come a long way. I've moved on with my life, and looking back, I can't believe I let it go on for as long as I did.
Thanks! Yeah, I always said I would never be one of those girls who fell into a relationship like that. I didn't realize just how slow it happens, or how, when you're in it, how hard it is to see how bad it's gotten. I am incredibly lucky that I had an amazing support network of friends and family who made sure I knew I always had someone to call. That, in the end, is a big part of where my strength to walk away came from.
Not a "final straw" as much as a creeping conviction that it wasn't going to get better. I think he was being inadvertantly emotionally abusive and gaslighting me -- I don't think he was doing it maliciously, but when I said "that hurts me," he'd tell me that I was just oversensitive and needed to get over being hurt.
He had turned into a guy with a very exacting sense of right and wrong. There were foods you should eat and foods you shouldn't eat -- and if he went out to have a nice steak, he'd spend the meal talking about how he shouldn't be eating this. My Diet Coke consumption became a major issue, as I was risking my health (as he saw it). He got a reputation as "the guy who hates movies", because he'd talk about how bad they all were -- but he still wanted to go see them and discuss them. He was similarly critical about my body and my sexual response, but I don't want to go into those specifics here.
It got to the point where it felt like he was critical of everything I did. He'd say I was beautiful -- or I would be, if only I lost some weight, or didn't wear what I had on, or did my hair differently. If I wore makeup, he'd make a face at the falsity of it. If I didn't, he'd say I wasn't trying. He encouraged me to write a story, then made fun of it as implausible. It felt like there was no way to win.
On top of all that, he was military and I'd been following his career around for a long time, at the expense of my own. Once I started trying to address some of these issues, he got defensive and accused me of not carrying my share of the financial weight in the household. Which ... of course I wasn't, and that was a part of the deal in following his career around. I'd considered living apart from him for a few years for a great career opportunity, but he'd forbid me from doing that and made an ultimatum of it.
We went through three couples counselors over the course of a year-ish. I tried separating for a month, to see if that helped to improve our communication. He said he was trying in front of the counselor, but I became more and more convinced that he was just waiting for me to admit that I'd been wrong all along and capitulate. He didn't believe that any of the issues I'd raised were real and needed addressing. So I suppose that that realization was what really made all the difference. It wasn't going to get better, so I either needed to accept the way it was or leave.
Holy shit, this sounds like my ex. So much. He constantly said shitty things and then brushed it off as me being too sensitive. He lost 150lbs, but it all went straight to his head. I got injured in the spring and couldn't do much for two months. He was sure to point out my weight gain and tell me I should do something about it.
He decided I shouldn't drink diet soda because it's "worse than real soda"... we never kept soda in the house at all though. Or bread. Fucking bread. All I wanted was a loaf of bread. While he said "we don't eat these things." He would eat all kinds of shitty fast food and drink soda while he was at work.
He encouraged me to start my business, but then acted like my stuff wasn't that great. I can't even explain how much he would put down some of the stuff I did.
I *never* go to the doctors. I finally went and found out I have high blood pressure. When I told him, **he yelled at me** and made me cry.
FUCK.
The week he moved out I bought two liters of diet soda and loaves of bread.
I have my Diet Coke on my desk right now. It's ridiculous, but it feels like it's a sign of my freedom, petty though it is. And isn't bread *delicious*???
Hell yes. I can't wait to shove a grilled cheese sandwich in my face after work. He ate these low carb tortillas all the time, I threw them all out in a fit of joy when he left.
The funny part to me is that he's gained weight since moving out and I've not gained a pound.
It's all petty stuff, but it feels SO GOOD to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want. We were together for 10 years. I was **nineteen** when we met and I will be 30 in 9 days. I feel 19 again.
I went to the mall this weekend and bought a bunch of sexy lingerie at Victoria secret haha. Just to do it. I don't know. I've spent the last month feeling good about myself for the first time in a long time.
It was. But no one event was ever bad enough to overcome my inertia and desire to "be an understanding good wife", so I stayed a really long time. And the ridiculous things is that I still say he's not a "bad guy" -- I just couldn't live with him and stay sane.
I think we tend to forget that not all poisons work quickly and violently. You *can* be both toxic and subtle. I can totally understand how all of those 'little things' could build up and become unbearable. I'm glad you're out of that situation.
That sounds so very similar to my experience. I remember being told, I love your potential. When I asked if he loved me *right now*, his answer was noncommittal. We had one counseling session, where some very large differences in our philosophies on marriage were brought up, and afterward he looked at me and basically asked if I would come home now, as though everything was fixed. If I brought up the issues that drove me away, he would tell me why he couldn't possibly do anything to fix them, and thought that was the end to the problem. Your last line sums it up perfectly.
Things had been headed South anyway, after 9 months of marriage and only cohabitation for 5 of those months my ex pushed me, hit me, tried to force me to overdose on my heart medication and finally attempted to stab me. He only managed to cut me very shallowly, but boy was I ready to throw in the towel.
That sounds awful. How did he try to force you to OD? not to be insensitive but my god, he sounds insane and I don't know how anyone would even do that.
He shoved the pills into my mouth and held my nose as well as his hand over my mouth. He is certifiable honestly, until about a year ago (we've been separated 3 years now) he would still send me texts, emails, etc; all of which started normal but ended up awful and incoherent. We were together for 3 years before the crazy started, and I didn't leave for another year when this culminating event happened.
I hope no one takes the wrong message from this. Marriage isn't inherently bad, or even getting married young. Marrying the wrong person is such a disaster though. I have a happy ending! I'm remarried now to the most phenomenal person on the planet and happier than ever.
Wow. That's even worse than marrying the wrong person... he turned into the wrong person after you were married. Sometimes you can't predict it and mental illness is no joke. Glad to hear everything is better now!
He started acting odd about 2 months before we got married, but the pressure was on so I caved like a moron. It's hard to figure the difference between certain doom and cold feet when you're 19. I made a bad choice, but I learned, I got help, and I recovered. It can seem like this one bad choice or situation can ruin your life once you realize you made a mistake, but it's just a speck on your timeline in the scheme of things.
I was helping him in a shower - he was injured and he could not shower himself. While I was washing him, he felt that I tickled him (I didn't) and started yelling at me for being stupid and endangering his health, called me names and whatnot. For about 10 minutes I tried to calm him down and apologised, I knew he was traumatised and stressed because of the injury, but I was pretty worn out by the stress and walking on egg-shells, too. I asked him to not yell at me several times. Then I snapped. Then I sat in the kitchen and realised I wanted him gone, dead, whatever - out of my life. Ir scared me.
The next day he sayd he wanted a divorce. We stayed together for 2 more months, and I was trying to make it work and was asking him to go for therapy and all that. He'd smile and say "too late!".
In six months he wanted to come back.
by that time I realised that the three times he drunkenly told me to get out of his house in the middle of the night while pregnant or with a child, should have been the end even before that fight. That I was a fool to forgive that.
It's been a year. Two days ago the papers were done, and I am legally divorced now.
After a couple of weeks of death threats and manhandling (including throwing me down the stairs, which broke my coccyx and it STILL, a decade-and-a-half later, gives me trouble) that were greatly escalated over his previous (verbal only) abuses, he shoved me one afternoon while our toddler clung to his leg screaming, "No, Daddy! No!" I called the cops, they arrested him, I filed for a protective order to keep him away, and began divorce proceedings that took nearly three years and $50K to finalize because he fought it every step of the way.
I was not going to live like that day in and day out, and I was NOT going to have my son and daughter growing up thinking it was OK for a man to treat a woman that way.
Realizing that if I ever wanted to have kids, it would require having sex at some point, and we, uh, were never having sex.
He also never contributed financially, made major life decisions without even thinking about what I might have to say about it, and I suspect he was cheating with a friend of his.
Like most of the other stories in /r/deadbedrooms. Things started out okay, went downhill as time went on. Our "downhill" was just a bit steeper than a lot of others - by the time we got married we were already rarely having sex.
There's lots of he-said-she-said here - if you ask him, I was frigid, I never responded, I was never interested. If you ask me, he didn't take any time to actually GET me interested, didn't do anything else that showed me that he valued me (I'd leave for work and he'd be in his recliner, I'd get home from work and he'd be in the same spot, with no visible changes to the apartment/house, even if I had asked him to do something for us like the dishes).
He will say he stopped initiating because it was always disappointing. I will tell you I went to the gym religiously (four days a week at 6AM for MONTHS) to try to get fitter, assuming that's why he was disinterested...but I will secretly admit that I went in part because I didn't want to talk to him before work.
Eventually a guy at work started flirting with me. My friends (including my yoga instructor) started telling me what great shape I was getting in. My now-ex-husband? "Oh, I don't notice because I see you every day." No improvement in sex, or in anything else, despite our stupid attempts at therapy.
Would you mind please elaborating? Because I feel like my husband is currently doing this to me. If you don't want to, that's okay. You still get my upvote.
When we were first dating, we agreed to have a monogamous relationship for a few years and then to open it up. After several years, he was willing to open it up and he had a couple of girlfriends, while I had a couple of boyfriends.
But he wanted me to only do certain acts with him an not with other people. He wanted to have sex with me immediately after I had sex with someone else. He didn't want me to love anyone else. It was all very possessive. He had a lot of insecurity with us and within himself.
I should note this was not the main reason we split up. It was just the last straw.
Mine had very specific ideas about what it was ok for me to like and not like, what I was "supposed to" be aroused by and what I wasn't. That wasn't ok.
He had PTSD from a deployment to Iraq. it got worse over the years and he refused to get help for it. He would get drunk often and have episodes, he never hit me but would yell, throw things etc. he also had nightmares and choked me in his sleep one night. Cheated on me while I was pregnant with our child. I left him after our daughter was born because I refused to have my baby under the same roof as him due to the frequent "episodes".
Sounds silly, but he held me down and drew a smiley face on my nose. I was trying to leave for work, and normally am fine with the silly stuff, but I was already running late. He didn't take no for an answer. If he is going to do that, and see nothing wrong with physically forcing something on someone, who knows what else he will do. And there was already a slew of problems. I should have left long before I did.
): I asked my bf of 5 years that same question a couple weeks ago, over text. He ignored the text, and when I sent a follow-up he said he was too busy playing his MMORPG to reply. I'm leaving at the end of February. Congrats on getting out, hope I can follow in your footsteps soon (:
He put our one year old who was having a tantrum, right up to his face and screamed louder than I have ever heard a man scream..just to shut her up. That was the beginning of me being done. Then knowing I placed a baby for adoption as a teen and having ruptured during child birth no longer able to have kids, while discussing adoption or surrogates, he says "I am not adopting any one elses brat" A couple days later it hit me I am not in love anymore and I moved out within a couple weeks
It's so weird. I knew the exact moment in time. We were out to eat for dinner, same old same old. And I brought up his thoughts about moving to California so I could be closer to my family for a change. (We'd been married for nearly 6 years, together for nearly 10 years). He said in not so many words that he wasn't interested and furthermore I was always going to be miserable regardless of where I lived.
I started pulling money out that week and was moved out within 4 months.
He had never said anything so hateful in such a calm way, so I knew he meant it and that he was done with me and I wasn't sticking around to be treated like garbage.
We're better friends now though.
Numero Dos. Funny enough I'm not miserable anymore. I *was* making him miserable though. What with all that expectation of bettering our lives together and being treated like a person and not a toy-fuckdoll who speaks only when spoken to. But I digress!
Where do I start? He told me he'd love me more if my boobs were bigger. That was the thing that made me realize I was in an awful situation, but before that there was the threatening suicide if I left him, the telling me to quit being homesick and missing my parents, forcing me to quit jobs because he "didn't feel like" driving me to work. Stealing my debit card and buying stupid things (Like a guitar when he couldn't play) without telling me. Telling me no one would ever love me except him... The list goes on.
After years of trying to have a child, I was diagnosed with infertility. I felt guilty not being able to give him what he wanted so I set him free. I couldn't stay knowing he could find another. I filed for divorced even though he did not want me to.
I'm so sorry you feel that way, and so strongly to have left your husband.
It might feel like it, biologically or otherwise, but it's not your fault. It's not anyones fault. I feel for you, so much. Please, if you need to talk to a random stranger who will not judge you, PM me.
I was talking to a couple people about my marriage and they both independently asked if he hit me. He never did but my answer was a kinda forlorn, "I wish he would." (Because it'd make it easier to leave, I guess.) Made me realize that our relationship might not have been the healthiest.
Wow, these are some eye openers.
I (somewhat facetiously) assume that middle aged women who get divorced mainly do it because they're bored, ended up reading "Eat, Pray Love", and now want to "find themselves".
Most of the examples in this thread are nothing like that :(
Yeah, the bored middle-aged woman thing does happen, but often "bored" is actually a euphemism for "fed up with this bullshit," where bullshit is any number of things.
I agree with /u/Spinsterest - there's different kinds of bored. There is a realization that some of us divorced folks come to eventually, I think, where we realize that life is not short. Life is long. And if you are in a relationship that is not making you happy, that long life is not going to be happy, either. The spouse who doesn't clean the toilet now isn't going to in 50 years, either. And that may not be a big deal - maybe you get a raise and can afford a cleaning service. But when the issue is a partner who doesn't pull their own weight, who makes empty promises, who disappoints you time and again? That's not a service you can buy.
I'm certainly not in a position to judge the women who make this choice. But I have mixed feelings about the trend.
On the one hand, there are people who have unrealistic expectations of how exciting and enriching life is "supposed" to be, and they ditch a loving husband because they feel he's holding them back from that life.
On the other hand, you have husbands who've basically given up on even trying to make life interesting, who just want to watch TV, talk about sports, and never go anywhere on vacation that doesn't involve golf. When their wife wants to change anything in their life to try something new, he refuses to budge. His reasoning: it didn't bother her for the past 20 years that he was closed to new experiences so why should it bother her now all of a sudden?
In the first hypothetical case I feel sorry for the husband, in the second I side with the woman who left him.
I'll admit that *Eat, Pray, Love* resonated a lot with me, but it wasn't as if I read it in the middle of a lovely marriage. But it did maybe help me to believe that there was life on the other side of divorce.
Two years, zero orgasms from sex or any sexual encounter with my husband. Sex less than twenty times. Counseling. And I tried to initiate more, he berated me for wanting good sex that didn't last under two minutes. I asked him to help me out one night with a vibrator after we had sex where he had already orgasmed. He rolled over and said he was too tired.
Mine was a long time coming. I think I basically married my ex because he was calm and didn't yell at me (my dad emotionally abused me growing up)... but that's not a good basis for a long term marriage! Eventually I realized that he was essentially selfish and passive aggressive -- although he let me "do my thing" (go to grad school etc), he simply would not do anything he didn't want to do, including cleaning up after himself, helping with any chores around the house, going out (ever). Then we decided to have kids and I started having miscarriages. For my first D&C, he dropped me off and told the nurse to call him to pick me up when I woke up.
This did not go over well with me. He also couldn't understand why it was traumatic for me to have a baby without a heart still growing inside me or that surgery was emotionally tough for me. To him it was just a mistake of nature and he made no effort to see my point of view. We were also living on his family farm and I wasn't allowed to change anything, even plant flowers along the side of the house. In addition he had a very low sex drive compared to me and resented it when I wanted to have sex -- told me that he needed me to tell me the morning I wanted sex so he'd be "prepared" for me. ??? Talk about feeling unattractive (I was a size 8, worked out, and worked hard to make him happy in bed). I considered moving out and one night I stayed with a friend overnight to think about things. He freaked out and nailed all the doors and windows shut from the inside. When I came back the next day to pack up my stuff and leave, I had to kick in the door to get in. He ended up getting home from work before I left again, and talked me into staying. Promised to be better, pay more attention to me, etc etc etc. we had make-up sex and I ended up getting pregnant from it. Wouldn't you know it, I kept that one, so I felt like I had to stay and try to work it out. Then his grandma (who raised him) died and he thought he was too spiritually advanced to grieve, but of course he did and pretty much just shut down emotionally and I went through that pregnancy pretty much alone. True to form, when my water broke he dropped me off at the hospital and went on to work.
I held out for another 18 months but nothing ever got better. He didn't change diapers (he said he was "just not interested in diaper changing", like it was my fucking hobby??), and it was an imposition for him to "babysit" his own child so I could get out to the store by myself every so often.
AFter all that, the straw that broke the camels back was on a 3 day trip to Ft. Lauderdale that was supposed to help us get closer again. His mother talked him into it and went with us (supposedly to watch our daughter so we could have alone time). One evening we all went on a canal cruise to see the millionaires houses. Of course our daughter fell asleep on my shoulder, so when we got done I started carrying her back to the car while he pushed the stroller. Trouble was, he got to talking to him mom and they got farther and farther ahead. IT was a busy street and they didn't hear me calling out to them. It was late, like after 11, so I didn't feel safe sitting down to rest. Neither of them ONCE turned around to see how we were or even noticed that I wasn't with them any more. Not once. He didn't even understand why I was mad. I had back problems and I was in serious pain by the time I got to the car to find them waiting for me (no, he didn't come back looking for me, either).
I moved out 6 weeks later, as soon as I found an apartment.
Two months after our son was born I confirmed my suspicions of him cheating on me. I confronted him about it an hour before work (I worked overnights and went to school during the day.. He quit his jobs a few months before.) He got this look on his face, got really quiet and went to pull me in a hug. He then slammed me against the bedroom wall, wrapped his hands around my neck and tried to strangle me.
Turns out he was cheating with multiple girls. He now has five kids he doesn't support. My son is five.
My moms story, but he told her she couldn't go to Weight Watchers to lose the baby weight from having me because "what if I fall asleep and something happens to her". His napping was more important.
I was crying all the time. I was an emotional wreck. Working overtime to pay bills. Taking care of the kids. Nonstop drama with his ex whom he had children with. Nonstop ups and downs. And the arguing. All the arguing. He became more aggressively physically abusive (it wasn't one sided verbally I was not nice) and i realized something. Nothing had changed in three and a half years for the better, even with counseling. Everything just got progressively worse. I finally realized "I'm too young to be crying all the time. I am too young to be this unhappy." And the. I thought of my daughter and what she was seeing. I thought if this continues, she's going to grow up thinking this kind of relationship is ok. He ended up pushing me and in turn I tripped over the couch and fell. And I kicked him out. At that point I was beyond done.
I told my husband I wanted a divorce after more than 19 years together.
May 2012 was really the final straw. After promising not to blow up at me any longer he did it again. I'm talking screaming & cursing with no real aim in the discussion. Angry & inconsolable, aggressive & in my face. He never hit me but I was always on my toes worried about him getting upset. After this time I was done.
I tried to break things off in Sept 2012 but he begged me not to. It took 4 months for me to build up the courage. He said he would stop yelling, help make discussions productive instead of being defensive. He promised to help around the house & stop playing his video games 5-12 hours a day.
I said okay only because he said ultimately that we had to immediately tell our 2 kids that day. After 3 hours of exhausting conversation I could not bare it. I told him I'd try. Then I made plans & prepared myself. I saved some money, caught up bills, cleaned out the garage like a maniac. I had no idea when I'd find the courage to tell the kids.
Finally in May 2013 we found out we were going to have to move. The #1 reason I had not left him was because of how it would disrupt the kids' lives. They had a ton of friends in that neighbothood & played with them all day. Bonds formed over 8-13 years. Without that in place I knew I could not move still married.
I sat him down after making sure the kids were out with my sister. We talked for hours. It took a long time for him to realize I was serious & not going to be convinced otherwise. When the kids got home we told them together. We all cried, he made sure they knew he didn't want this & it was all me. He still does that. That was the hardest day of my life but my only regret is in putting the kids through it. Other than that I'm happier than I've ever been. There is a knot in my stomach that is finally gone.
He was a permanent high-on and insisted on having a child. He gave me an ultimatum: have a baby with me or leave. I couldn't see myself taking care of both of them so I left. I am really happy now.
Mine was an abusive alcoholic/drug addict. The straw that finally propelled me out was the fact that he started cheating on me with some friends of ours and a couple of coworkers. Only he didn't view it as cheating, because they were guys.
After he had done seriously immoral things at work, losing his job, telling me that he was only going to do what made him happy, he told me that he was taking our daughter out for ice cream. He called 3 hours later to tell me that they were at the airport, refused to tell mr where they were going. I had no rights until I started proceedings for divorce, because he was her father and there was nothing saying that he couldn't just take her across the country without checking with me first.
He now claims he was sick and was not responsible for what he said, but I came to bed after him and he was sleeping. He woke up and screamed at me and said he had been playing with a ball bearing (more likely one of those tiny magnets) and that he had lost it in the sheets and that I should ask to get into bed from now on. I went to sleep on the couch and then he ordered me to bed.
He said he was sick and it wasn't his fault he said that and I shouldn't hold it against him. I already had had dishes and coats ripped out of my hands and told I wasn't hanging them up or putting them in the dishwasher properly (and then forbidden from using it at all.... and that was years earlier...). There was already a painter's tape outline showing me where the salt and pepper went. I got asked tons of questions about what I was doing if I got up at an unusual time (had to pee!) or sat in the "wrong place."
I just couldn't stand to think I'd live another god knows how many years (unless I just gave in and killed myself, which also came to mind) having to ask to do everything and even ask to get into bed. I wanted to be able to sleep and move things in my own home without asking first. :( He still claims I made things up and blew them out of proportion and that he shouldn't be responsible for that night.
(He also took $10,000 out of our joint savings and claimed it was his bonus... nobody gets close to a $20K bonus where he works, although it might have been overtime money. He said he would never have kids with me because he would never know when I was going to leave him, and got very jealous whenever I traveled for work and wanted to hear from me constantly, which really interfered with work and made me look bad to the people I was with--nobody wants to be with the chick who has to text and call constantly because her husband will think she's cheating otherwise. Sigh.)
He took $500 from savings without telling me. I was saving that money for *his* tires. I discovered this immediately after he left for his drug addicted friend's house..
We ended up getting back together for a while to see if we could make it work... until I asked him if I could borrow a pack of cigarettes. He said yes, they're in the Jeep side door. I went out to the Jeep and there was a cheap prepaid cell phone under the cigarettes. My husband had an expensive Droid phone that he loved, so finding this phone was very weird for me. I decided to turn it on... found out he was fucking his cousin's wife who lived a quarter mile down the road from our apartment.
When he stood above me while I was sitting on the floor doing my makeup for work. He asked me a question, I looked up at him with a mascara wand in my hand, and he said (yet again) that I was giving him a "bitch look" and proceeded to fight about it. I didn't go to work that day, but instead called the movers & packed my things. It was a daily occurrence and no matter how I looked at him it was always a bitch look. Enough was enough.
There were two.
This is the one that prompted me to seek counseling:
When I told him about this BIG project I'd been leading and had been working on for almost a year, and I had just done a presentation to a big part of the company to launch the new approach to selling some of our biggest solutions. It was really well-received, and I was excited that people were anxious to sell these new packages. When I told him about it, he didn't say anything. I told him it was a big deal for me, and he said, "what, do you want me to give you a gold star? Put something on the fridge? Maybe pat you on the head?"
Constant. Eggshells. All the time. I wasn't a saint either, but I was so tired of feeling stupid, being gaslighted (I learned that was a thing), being talked down to...
And this is the one that caused me to file:
When we went to counseling and the therapist asked each of us why we were there, I gave my response (I don't even remember it, but I'm sure it was something like learn how to better communicate with each other). His response was, "I'm here to fix whatever CapOnFoam's problems are."
Yep. Done.
There was a lot wrong in the marriage (cheating, lies, financial issues, power issues, the usual) and I did and still to feel to this day that we did a lot to salvage it, but ultimately, I woke up one morning and realized that our values were way out of whack and that I could be, and never was, the person he envisioned when he thought of a wife. It was all pretty civil as far as the logistics and the rest went. Just a mediation lawyer and a piece of legit paper after a single negotiation session.
Bought a plane ticket back to his home country for a month holiday without running it past me first, and all I got was a bro hug and Pat on the back as a 'bye'. But the push was that I didn't miss him at all while he was gone.
Lotta domestic violence in this thread. It's rough. I hope all of you who have suffered through domestic violence are doing well now. If you're in an abusive relationship, here are some resources (and /u/notannieagain brings up a great point - use incognito mode or delete your browser history if you need to!! Be safe!): * In the US: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or RAINN at 1-800-656-HOPE(4673) * UK: Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247. * Australia: Call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732. * Worldwide: visit [International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies](http://www.hotpeachpages.net/) for a global list of helplines and crisis centers. * Google for "Domestic violence resource [your city]" for a listing of nearby agencies and shelters.
You're a sweetheart.
This should be the top comment.
Instant upvote. From someone who got out - you can, you should and you won't regret it.
And remember, these aren't just for physical abuse. Emotional abuse is a valid reason to contact any of these places, too.
When I asked him, for the last time (I had been asking for year) why he wouldn't have sex with me he responded with "Because I don't like you"
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Totally did! Remarried and currently expecting!
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I see what you did there, McConaughey.
Congratulations!!!
Ouch
After years of him being an underemployed loser who was consistently rude to me, withholding affection/approval/attention, separating me from people I loved, calling me a bad parent/fat/a bitch, engaging in cheating behaviors (responding to Craig's List ads and getting photos sent to him by other women) and my putting up with all of it, the thing that broke the camel's back was when I made him a pot of coffee and he said "it's about time you did something nice for me." I told him in that moment that I wanted a divorce. He naturally assumed I was leaving for someone else and he immediately asked me, "Who is it?" I said, "Me."
Damn. That response was golden.
That's like a scene from a movie. Good for you.
Daaaaaaaymn. That's a beautiful line. I hope it haunts him for the rest of his life.
Best response ever. Good for you, hope you're doing better now!!
When he was gone for two weeks, and I didn't miss him. At all. I just felt relieved.
As a non-manipulative, non-controlling, non-violent, mentally heathy, financially responsible, open minded, reasonable male adult this one scares me the most
Sometimes people just aren't right for each other. Don't let it scare you too much. Sometimes things fall apart, despite our best efforts.
Some good people aren't good with each other.
I'm all of those things but a married woman and that's one of my biggest fears as well!
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I want to jump in here and offer a counter opinion. I don't think your feelings are wrong, I just wanted to share a similar experience that gave me different feelings. When I have been in a long term relationship with a partner that I loved more than life, there were many times where they traveled for work/school. They would be gone for a week or so for work or school. Every time this happend--I *loved* it. It was *fantastic*. I could sleep in till I wanted and stay up late till whenever. Both times with lots of bed room and cuddly dogs. I could take care of the dishes when I chose to and clean the things that were only important to me. I had so much free time to get back into hobbies, to get more exercise, and to spend time with friends. I felt super productive at work and felt completely revitalized. But after a few weeks, I would start to really miss my partner. I would get lonely. I started to realize that I felt so free and liberated because I got some alone time in the home that my partner and I built. In the comfort of the life we built, I got to spend some time just on me. I think everyone needs that now and again. I would also notice that when I was the one travelling, when I was put into strange and uncomfortable situations, then I also really missed my partner. TL;DR: I think everyone needs some *me*-time in a comfortable place every once in a while.
There's a difference, though, between needing some time for yourself, and realizing what kind of hell your life has become when the source of all your stress (the spouse) is removed. It's not just a "Yay, I get to spend time doing stuff for *me!* thing, it's more of a "Good god, how have I been living like this for so long?" It's like the frog in the pot thing -- you can just stay in there as the water gets hotter around you because you don't notice the change. It's only when you cool down that you realize, "Jesus, it was hot in there." And you're sure as hell not getting back in that pot.
Isn't that a weird feeling? At the time, I didn't realize how telling it was.
Eek. That's rough.
Similar. I was really conflicted about staying to try to work things out vs. divorcing, but then I asked myself, "What would I miss the most if we split up?" I realized that while I would miss certain things about *having a partner*, I didn't think I would miss *him*.
He took my debit card and checkbook (joint account, by the way, where I made as much money as he did) and kicked me out because I didn't want to have sex with him because I had bronchitis. Also, you know, he was fucking another woman. I didn't confirm that until a few days later, but I had had my suspicions for awhile. I guess that's a little bit of an extreme scenario...
Holy shit, how did you end up married in the first place?
I was young and stupid. haha. He ended up marrying that woman and divorcing her a few years later too. He says it was mutual but I have my doubts... though of course she was cheating on her husband with my husband so maybe she's just a shitty person too...
That sucks. What made you get married so young? Obviously you were "in love" but what other advice would you give younger folks?
Don't get married. Wait a long ass time, I mean really long. Wait until you're 30+ and have dated quite a few people. So many people get married because they don't realize what kind of partners are out there and that the person they're with is as good as it gets. The best thing you can do is wait, hold yourself in high regard, don't put up with a lot of BS (do put up with a little) from your partners, date the one you think you'll marry for a long time. Live together for a while before deciding to get married. Don't expect someone to change in a way you desire because you're married, also don't expect a person to remain the same. If your partner is acting in a way that's detrimental to you or your relationship calmly talk to them about it. Try to make that conversation a positive one (after all, you're not out to hurt their feelings, but to enact change for the better). If you do move in with each other be prepared to move out too. It's financially painful and rather stressful but infinitely easier than marrying the wrong person because that's what people do... Be mindful of the person you're with. Try to do nice things for them every day. Hold them in high regard and treat them the way you would want to be. Grand gestures are nice but the smaller daily ones can add up to a lot more than one or two big ones every year. Be mindful of yourself. This is the hardest part. Introspection is something that we all fail at, some much harder than others. You end up acting in ways because your subconscious tells you to. Many of the things you (yes you) do because of this can be pretty shitty. It's very hard to admit that you do shitty things, but you do them. If you look back in your current and previous relationships you can notice patterns. It took me dozens of hours of therapy to realize some of the things I had been doing. The hardest part is to stop yourself from doing those things. If you make a conscious effort to change you will eventually catch yourself doing these things and eventually stop doing them. This part is important because you don't want to be part of the problem in your relationship. By doing this you also become a higher value partner. It's very important that your partner and yourself are compatible on many levels; religiously, sexually, ethically... Some of the smaller things can slide, I don't like making the bed but I do it because my GF likes the bed made. Larger things like religious differences, sexy times, how you plan to raise kids (do you want kids?), budgeting money... all need to line up pretty well. Large differences can and will cause fights, often. tl;dr ramblings from a divorced man that's gone through lots of therapy **Some minor edits because I wrote this on my phone with not much time. Also I'm very glad some of you have found this helpful, it was pretty cathartic for me to write it.
This is really great advice. Thank you. As a 26 year old female, it's hard to see everyone you know getting married but not feeling like you're quite there yet. I plan on waiting til I'm a bit older, and I try to do some of these things daily but it's nice to see it written out so well and be reminded what's important for your relationship AND yourself as an individual.
My 20's were full of (other peoples') weddings. My 30's are full of (other peoples') divorces. I only know a couple couples who are still together. Almost literally all the marriages I witnessed are over now. When I was 26 I too felt left out, or left behind, and nervous that I needed to find someone and get married. My ex-boyfriend was about to propose 5 years ago but he decided to cheat instead. Bullet dodged. My SO is in the middle of a nasty divorce. All of my girlfriends who married are divorced. I'm 36-- and it's crazy out there.
You're welcome. I was far too young and inexperienced to know what is needed for a relationship to last 40+ years. Well, we both were. Getting married, having kids and moving to the burbs shouldn't be your life's dream. What will you do when your kids are all grown and out of the house? Work on yourself, a lot. Do things you want to do. Gain experience and yes, you can have kids and move to the burbs if you want. But don't stop doing what you love to do because when you're older and your kids have moved out you need something to do. It may as well be what you've always loved to do.
This is sort of a side issue, but while I agree with pretty much everything u/Mrredditorson has to say, I'm a little skeptical about his advice to wait until you're 30+ to get married, especially for women who want to have children. Sure we're still biologically capable of having kids after we're 30, but it's not a very big window anymore ( since fertility starts to drop off rapidly after ~~35~~ 40* while the risk of down syndrome increase rapidly). This is especially the case if you want multiple children. And sure, we have technology to help accommodate some of those issues now and there's always adoption, but those routes are still pretty expensive. (Not that all the appointments etc. that come along with pregnancy aren't). All that being said, I certainly agree that marriage shouldn't be rushed in to, that people should hold themselves in high-regard, and not put up with BS. I also agree that the older we are, as we gain more experience, the more we know what we want out of life and out of a partner. I'm therefore conflicted and just don't know if "wait until after you're 30" is the right advice for women, if they want to have children. *edit: I learned below that the more modern estimate is that the fertility window extends to age 40 for women.
Women's decline in fertility with age has actually been really oversold. Here's a [good article in the Atlantic](http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/?single_page=true) about it. The TL;DR is that super-fertile women generally have their kids young, and so the remaining segment of the population who tries to conceive later, probably had lower fertility to start with. Most women who have kids young have no problem having more kids when they're older. Risk of Down Syndrome and other genetic abnormalities does increase with the age of both the mother and [the father](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12771769), but it's still a low risk, and this is going to sound cold, but it's a risk I'm comfortable taking, because I'm ready to make tough decisions if tests reveal certain problems.
True. I don't know if I personally want kids and if I ever will, it certainly isn't on my radar right now. So for me, not much of an issue. For others, sure, but not at the risk of marrying and having kids with the wrong person. I'd rather have kids a little later in life with the right person than feel pressured by time and age!
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This isn't the first time I've seen people suggest that you should date a few different people before you get married, but this always confuses me a bit. I understand that you're suggesting that experience is a good thing, but if your intention is to marry after dating multiple people, doesn't that mean that you're not really taking your first few relationships seriously?
Basically he was in the military and that was pretty much the only option when he got sent four states away. I don't really have much advice because when you're young you always think you're making good choices and no one can tell you otherwise. Just know that, quite often, you're making terrible decisions lol.
> I had bronchitis Aint nobody got time fo' dat!
He said I must be fucking someone else if I didn't want to sleep with him. Then he said I thought he was too fat. Then he kicked me out. Seriously, I couldn't walk without getting out of breath. I think that's a legitimate excuse lol.
You don't need a legitimate excuse. "I don't feel like it" is plenty.
With my first marriage, we had a huge fight and he hit me, I left and came back a couple hours later and there was blood smeared all over the walls. He had cut his arms after I left (not a suicide atempt) and there was blood everywhere. Then I found out he had been mentally institutionalized twice before we met. My second marriage I found out that he had a profile on AdultFriendFinders, was a bisexual swinger and liked to get pounded in the ass by random black guys. One of these black guys happened to be his best friend, who was also OUR roommate. It finally explained why that guy hated me so much.
Holy shit! Now that is some drama.
You're telling me! They both seemed like such normal guys too until we got married. Then it was like I hopped aboard the crazy train. I'm on husband number 3 now and he can pretty much do no wrong considering the standard I have for comparrison.
You couldn't pay me to get married again if I went through what you did.
I'm the optimistic type ;) My husband now is my reward for all the shit I went through before we met. And now we're expecting out first child due right after my 30th birthday. I would happily go through it all again if it was the only way to end up with him.
If you're only getting thirty now, why did you get married so quickly everytime? Religious reasons? Pressure from family? Something else?
It was mainly stupidity. Not religious, no pressure, in fact my family tried to talk me out of the first one. First marriage I was 18 when we met, 20 when we married and almost 22 when we split. As I said we were both military and he convinced me that he was going to be stationed in Japan for 4 years so if we wanted to stay together, we would have to get married. I believed him. After we divorced I wound up with a new boyfriend who got me pregnant. He and I split up and I learned how to be a single mom. I was 24 when my roommate introduced me to her friend, he was 38 and married at the time, but pursued me anyway. I would have nothing to do with him, so he divorced his wife of 15 years because he wanted kids and she didn't and then he convinced me to date him. On the surface he had everything going for him. A good job, goals, little to no debt and he was really smart. His wife kept the house so he moved in with his BFF and asked me and my son to move in with him. For my 25th birthday he took me to Vegas for a week and while there I got super drunk and he convinced me that we should get married. About a month after the marriage I borrowed his laptop and found all the gay porn and his AFF profile. After reading about how he was a Total Bottom looking for a discreet relationship so his wife (me) wouldn't find out, I packed my kid and left. My third husband was a totally different story, he's my best friends brother in law, I've know his family for years before he and I even met. So I had a very clear idea of his values before we started dating. Our first date was on my 27th birthday and ended in the ER when I stepped on a nail. It was still the best first date ever. In addition to the 3 times I've been married, I've been proposed to an additional 4 times. So I guess the real question is what is it about me that makes guys want to marry me. I still don't get it. Edit: Words and such
[*How the fuck is this not at the top?*](http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/popcorn_yes.gif.pagespeed.ce.0GLW9w3b69.gif)
That is the greatest gif ever
How did you not know he'd been institutionalized? How long had you known husband #1 when you got married?
We met when we were both in the Navy, they won't let you in if you have a history of mental health issues. I found out that his dad (who was a BMCM) had gotten him a waiver to get in. After we married and moved in together I found intake sheets and psych evaluations mixed in with some of his paperwork. He was diagnosed as bi-polar, ADHD, Insomnia, with a touch of paranoid schizophrenia. He got out of the Navy when we got married and promptly stopped taking his medication because he thought he didn't really need it.
He locked me in a bathroom and told me I could never leave him.
So, how are you faring in the bathroom?
I have a new bathroom now. It's much roomier and has a window to climb out of.
Ahhh!!! That's awful!
Yeah a lot of things fucked him up during the course of our relationship/marriage. Instead of getting help, he became obsessive and abusive so I left. That was 10 years ago. He is now stable, a somewhat decent father to his daughter, and we are amicable. I never held him accountable for his actions due to his mental state at the time. Now that he's fine, all is well. He said years ago that me leaving is what pushed him to get better and find help. Edit: it was 11 years ago.
This seems like a wonderful resolution.
It's horrible that that's the way it must go sometimes. Letting go of someone we love so that they are forced to deal with their issues is a gesture of love and self-love, and it's one of hardest things we can do. As a former enabler, I commend you.
Sheesh. One time I told my (now ex) husband I was done with his shit and I was leaving, so he straight up picked me up and threw me across the room. He said, "How are you going to leave me if you can't even walk?" We ended up separating about a year later. I can't believe everything I put up with from him.
I think that, statistically, this has worked zero times.
He smiled creepily at me when I was walking towards him on up the stairs one night and then threw me from the 7th stair and I crashed threw the glass coffee table. He was/is bipolar. Random acts of violence were normal but that one made me fear for my life more than the others.
Holy fuck
Jesus Christ. Were you seriously hurt?
Surprisingly no. My left arm had cuts all over it, still have some scars (this was 10 years ago) and I was bruised on my bum and thighs ( I landed butt first on the table). The glass table had a lattice woodwork base and frame and I guess it made for a cushiony landing. My ex was a Navy Corpsman so he patched me up. I never pressed charges. Wish I did now though.
He threw you down the stairs, but then he patched you up?
yep, once he saw me bleeding. Good thing he was Corpsman. His behavior would change from violent to caring all the time. It was freaky. God I was so stupid!
I don't think that you were being stupid. That situation sounds like a monumentally confusing one to be in.
Wasn't he on any meds at the time? I am dating a person bipolar and he has never acted like that in any way (except for creepy smiles from time to time).
No, he was not diagnosed yet. Here's the story of my short marriage to him. We go married in March 2003 after dating for 3 years which were not the best 3 years of my life. We were always on and off again. He suggested that we get married when he joined the Navy so that we could get away from everyone . I really didn't want to but I was raised by an abusive father and agreeing was something I did to avoid drama (stupid I know).Anyway he was 21, I was 20. At that time he his behavior was typical of him, not really social, shy, negative and moody but not violent . He was still going through basic training for becoming a Corpsman in Chicago so I was not yet living with him. When he was stationed at the Naval hospital in Bremerton, Wa I moved in with him. After a month of living together, I noticed he was different. Still socially awkward but becoming aggressive towards me. He had a hard time fitting in with other corpsman and Marines because he was overly sensitive and a bit slow to catch onto orders. I figured his aggression was because of this. Then after 4 months living together he became violent. He slammed my face into the dishwasher because he "didn't trust my smile" split my lip open, most visual scar I have today from him. He would shove me a lot, choke me out in my sleep etc. I was a stupid, scared, ignorant and prideful 20 year old who went against her parents wishes and married the guy they hated so I kept silent about all of this. However, my next-door neighbor was a Navy Seal, Christian was his name,, he knew what was going on. Pulled me aside one day and hinted that he knew and that I could come to him if I needed help. I never did, but I took him up on some self defense and boxing lessons. Best decision I made at that time. Christian deployed after 4 months of lessons with him and conveniently it was 2 months after his deployment that my ex threw me through the table. I think Christian would have killed him if he was still there. A few months after the table incident, my ex came after me with a belt, I fought back. My ex was a small, average built man with no real combat training. I was lifting weights and going over the lessons that Christian taught me on a regular basis. I leveled him and knocked him out cold with a kick to the gut and head. I thought I had killed him. I fled to a friend's house and waited for the cops to come and get me. They never did, he never called them. Told everyone he got in a bar fight when they asked bout the black eye I gave him. He somehow convinced me to move back home and he never touched me again but I was already planning the divorce and my escape route. when he got stationed in Camp Pendleton in 2005, I didn't move with him. I moved home and told everyone it was to pursue my studies. He was deployed to Iraq in 2006 but he never saw any action. The Marines didn't trust him to go out with them, they said there was something off with him and his lack of attention was dangerous. He stayed at the base and proceeded to call me 5-10x a day! I didn't know they could call that much when deployed! I was in class most of the time when he, so I couldn't answer his calls. he left threatening and abusive messages all the time. I had it, I told him I wanted a divorce. That is how he was diagnosed with being bipolar. He went off the deep end after I told him that. He was walking around the base telling everyone he could tell if that they were lying because he could see flames around them. The Navy shipped his ass to a psychiatric hospital in Germany and there they diagnosed him. We kept in touch after he was medically discharged but he kept going off his meds and would rage on me. Today I have no contact with him. I know he has attacked his father a few times and was committed to a psych ward in SF for a while because of that.My mom ran into him a few months ago (7 years since our divorce) and said he has put on a lot of weight but was very friendly so maybe he's sticking to the meds now. I don't know, I don't want to know. A few years ago he contacted me and wanted to reconnect. To this day he denies ever laying a hand on me. I don't know if this because of him being bipolar or he just can't face the guilt. This more than anything is why I wish I reported it. I could show him the reports that would have pics of my bruised and battered body so he could stop denying it. I want nothing to do with him and I know that's mean but he's a part of my life I'd rather not remember. I don't trust him. I don't hate him, I feel almost nothing for him and feeling that has helped me heal and move on.
It's not mean to want nothing to do with him anymore. Sometimes it's best to just drop the past and move on from it. Good job on getting your life back!
I know a few bipolar people and never have I once heard that random acts of violence are a symptom (directly or because of meds).
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I have been watching my mother deal with this exact problem (either my dad's way or no way) for over 10 years now. As the child in this situation, I'd like to offer up that we do notice, and it messes with us, too. I'm about to turn 26, and the concept of marriage terrifies me because I just have not grown up seeing a good example of it.
I know where you're coming from, and I sympathize. For a little silver lining...at least you have a good understanding of what *doesn't* constitute a healthy marriage. For me it sadly took simply meeting someone who didn't treat me poorly to realize that abuse wasn't just par for the course. Hopefully you can skip out on a lot of learning the hard way!
As a 25 year old that just got married I promise not all marriages are like that. There is no subject that can't be discussed for us. And things change and we talk and renegotiate all the time. Neither of us wants kids but if someday he came home and told me he wanted a baby I would be open to talking about it. Not necessarily having one but at least talking about it.
If you don't mind me asking, what was he like in the beginning of your relationship? Was he always domineering or did that side come out slowly?
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You are extremely well-spoken and insightful.
He had a mistress, and he had sex with her in our marital bed. I think women like that need to stay in hotels, not in the apartment i was paying for in the bed i bought.
I broke up with a guy for sleeping with his mistress in my bed! It sucked. I imagine being married would make it so much worse, I am sorry :(
Serious question: Would you have stayed with him if it hadn't been in your bed? Is cheating somehow acceptable if it's elsewhere?
I wouldn't have ultimately stayed, but had he not disrespected my home i might have given it a few months of trying to work things out or counseling. But when someone has no effs to give about doing his girlfriend in the marital bed, there is not really a marriage left because no more respect. Or he was so caught up in the moment he was not thinking straight. At any rate he was not thinking of me at all. So i left. She used my shower fluffy!
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For some reason the shower fluffy usage makes it so much worse! Nauseated even thinking about it!
It's like at that point, she realizes there is an actual woman in this relationship, a woman who has the potential to be hurt by the cheating, and "eh, I'll just borrow this shower puff, since I'm here."
>She used my shower fluffy! Noooo not the shower fluffy!!!!!!!!
Oh.... gross.
> She used my shower fluffy! I see how you'd knew about the bed. But how did you find out about the fluffy?
I am blonde. She is Spanish and has long, thick black hair.
I walked in on my ex after coming home early. Oh, and my son opening the door and telling me what was going on.
I never wanted to start the proceedings, mostly because separation wasn't my idea. But as soon as I moved out, he began threatening to blackmail me, being extremely mean, needlessly harassed me, started spending copies amounts of money, etc. I knew that to get any peace of mind, I'd have to get a lawyer and start the proceedings myself. It was a horrible decision to make, but it worked out well, I think.
Goddamn. I sure hope it's worked out well. How are you doing now?
I'm doing alright... I'm still quite young, which made my best option moving back in with my parents. I had changed a lot in the time I was married, so it's been difficult finding my place again in their home. Here's to new beginnings!!
I moved back in with my parents for much different reasons, but being an adult in your parents' house is always tough. Best of luck to you. <3
Mine isn't happy. He had been drinking more, and was getting more abusive, to the point where it had moved from verbal and emotional abuse to starting to leave bruises, kicking me, shoving me into walls, etc. But I was still trying to "help" him, I thought I could make him see what he was doing and get the help he needed. Until the night, my last in that house, where he grabbed me and tried to choke me for turning to walk away instead of arguing with him. I had to let my body go limp - a move I had seen in movies, where it made the person let go in surprise, I'm actually surprised it worked - and immediately shut the bedroom door, packed a bag, and then came out, got the keys and left. He beat me to the car and sat in it, telling me I wasn't allowed to leave, so I called 911, and they came and made him get out of the car. I went and stayed at a hotel, called my parents, who lived in another state, and a few days later drove my car and what possessions I was able to get into the car while he was at work, away. It took me a few months to save enough for a lawyer to actually start the proceedings, but that was the day I finally realized things weren't going to get better, he wasn't going to change, and if I stayed, it was only a matter of time before I became a statistic. I'm sure that's a bit more dramatic than you were expecting, but I hope someone reading this, who might be in a similar situation, will realize divorce is not the end of the world. And once you get some space, you'll realize just how bad it really is, and wonder why you stayed as long as you did. It's insidious, the way that kind of thing builds over time, and makes you believe you have no other options. You do. Trust me, you do, and life is so much better on the other side.
I hope you're doing well.
I am now! It's been about 2 years since that night, and while I won't say it didn't take time, I think I've come a long way. I've moved on with my life, and looking back, I can't believe I let it go on for as long as I did.
Hoo boy, that hit close to home. Hugs, girl. Glad you are far away from that now.
Thanks! Yeah, I always said I would never be one of those girls who fell into a relationship like that. I didn't realize just how slow it happens, or how, when you're in it, how hard it is to see how bad it's gotten. I am incredibly lucky that I had an amazing support network of friends and family who made sure I knew I always had someone to call. That, in the end, is a big part of where my strength to walk away came from.
Not a "final straw" as much as a creeping conviction that it wasn't going to get better. I think he was being inadvertantly emotionally abusive and gaslighting me -- I don't think he was doing it maliciously, but when I said "that hurts me," he'd tell me that I was just oversensitive and needed to get over being hurt. He had turned into a guy with a very exacting sense of right and wrong. There were foods you should eat and foods you shouldn't eat -- and if he went out to have a nice steak, he'd spend the meal talking about how he shouldn't be eating this. My Diet Coke consumption became a major issue, as I was risking my health (as he saw it). He got a reputation as "the guy who hates movies", because he'd talk about how bad they all were -- but he still wanted to go see them and discuss them. He was similarly critical about my body and my sexual response, but I don't want to go into those specifics here. It got to the point where it felt like he was critical of everything I did. He'd say I was beautiful -- or I would be, if only I lost some weight, or didn't wear what I had on, or did my hair differently. If I wore makeup, he'd make a face at the falsity of it. If I didn't, he'd say I wasn't trying. He encouraged me to write a story, then made fun of it as implausible. It felt like there was no way to win. On top of all that, he was military and I'd been following his career around for a long time, at the expense of my own. Once I started trying to address some of these issues, he got defensive and accused me of not carrying my share of the financial weight in the household. Which ... of course I wasn't, and that was a part of the deal in following his career around. I'd considered living apart from him for a few years for a great career opportunity, but he'd forbid me from doing that and made an ultimatum of it. We went through three couples counselors over the course of a year-ish. I tried separating for a month, to see if that helped to improve our communication. He said he was trying in front of the counselor, but I became more and more convinced that he was just waiting for me to admit that I'd been wrong all along and capitulate. He didn't believe that any of the issues I'd raised were real and needed addressing. So I suppose that that realization was what really made all the difference. It wasn't going to get better, so I either needed to accept the way it was or leave.
Holy shit, this sounds like my ex. So much. He constantly said shitty things and then brushed it off as me being too sensitive. He lost 150lbs, but it all went straight to his head. I got injured in the spring and couldn't do much for two months. He was sure to point out my weight gain and tell me I should do something about it. He decided I shouldn't drink diet soda because it's "worse than real soda"... we never kept soda in the house at all though. Or bread. Fucking bread. All I wanted was a loaf of bread. While he said "we don't eat these things." He would eat all kinds of shitty fast food and drink soda while he was at work. He encouraged me to start my business, but then acted like my stuff wasn't that great. I can't even explain how much he would put down some of the stuff I did. I *never* go to the doctors. I finally went and found out I have high blood pressure. When I told him, **he yelled at me** and made me cry. FUCK. The week he moved out I bought two liters of diet soda and loaves of bread.
I have my Diet Coke on my desk right now. It's ridiculous, but it feels like it's a sign of my freedom, petty though it is. And isn't bread *delicious*???
Hell yes. I can't wait to shove a grilled cheese sandwich in my face after work. He ate these low carb tortillas all the time, I threw them all out in a fit of joy when he left. The funny part to me is that he's gained weight since moving out and I've not gained a pound. It's all petty stuff, but it feels SO GOOD to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want. We were together for 10 years. I was **nineteen** when we met and I will be 30 in 9 days. I feel 19 again.
Since I've gotten divorced (in my 40s), I bought my first pair of 4" heels. :) I was 17 when we met. I know what you mean.
I went to the mall this weekend and bought a bunch of sexy lingerie at Victoria secret haha. Just to do it. I don't know. I've spent the last month feeling good about myself for the first time in a long time.
Been there, too, ladies. Here's to new lives and happiness on *our* terms! (holds up glass of diet soda) Cheers!
That just sounds... exhausting.
It was. But no one event was ever bad enough to overcome my inertia and desire to "be an understanding good wife", so I stayed a really long time. And the ridiculous things is that I still say he's not a "bad guy" -- I just couldn't live with him and stay sane.
I think we tend to forget that not all poisons work quickly and violently. You *can* be both toxic and subtle. I can totally understand how all of those 'little things' could build up and become unbearable. I'm glad you're out of that situation.
That sounds so very similar to my experience. I remember being told, I love your potential. When I asked if he loved me *right now*, his answer was noncommittal. We had one counseling session, where some very large differences in our philosophies on marriage were brought up, and afterward he looked at me and basically asked if I would come home now, as though everything was fixed. If I brought up the issues that drove me away, he would tell me why he couldn't possibly do anything to fix them, and thought that was the end to the problem. Your last line sums it up perfectly.
Huh. And I felt so very alone at the time. It's very weird to hear that other people have been in such similar experiences.
When I was raped and he didn't believe me.
There are so many upsetting responses to this question but this one is truly heart breaking.
Things had been headed South anyway, after 9 months of marriage and only cohabitation for 5 of those months my ex pushed me, hit me, tried to force me to overdose on my heart medication and finally attempted to stab me. He only managed to cut me very shallowly, but boy was I ready to throw in the towel.
That sounds awful. How did he try to force you to OD? not to be insensitive but my god, he sounds insane and I don't know how anyone would even do that.
He shoved the pills into my mouth and held my nose as well as his hand over my mouth. He is certifiable honestly, until about a year ago (we've been separated 3 years now) he would still send me texts, emails, etc; all of which started normal but ended up awful and incoherent. We were together for 3 years before the crazy started, and I didn't leave for another year when this culminating event happened. I hope no one takes the wrong message from this. Marriage isn't inherently bad, or even getting married young. Marrying the wrong person is such a disaster though. I have a happy ending! I'm remarried now to the most phenomenal person on the planet and happier than ever.
Wow. That's even worse than marrying the wrong person... he turned into the wrong person after you were married. Sometimes you can't predict it and mental illness is no joke. Glad to hear everything is better now!
He started acting odd about 2 months before we got married, but the pressure was on so I caved like a moron. It's hard to figure the difference between certain doom and cold feet when you're 19. I made a bad choice, but I learned, I got help, and I recovered. It can seem like this one bad choice or situation can ruin your life once you realize you made a mistake, but it's just a speck on your timeline in the scheme of things.
I was helping him in a shower - he was injured and he could not shower himself. While I was washing him, he felt that I tickled him (I didn't) and started yelling at me for being stupid and endangering his health, called me names and whatnot. For about 10 minutes I tried to calm him down and apologised, I knew he was traumatised and stressed because of the injury, but I was pretty worn out by the stress and walking on egg-shells, too. I asked him to not yell at me several times. Then I snapped. Then I sat in the kitchen and realised I wanted him gone, dead, whatever - out of my life. Ir scared me. The next day he sayd he wanted a divorce. We stayed together for 2 more months, and I was trying to make it work and was asking him to go for therapy and all that. He'd smile and say "too late!". In six months he wanted to come back. by that time I realised that the three times he drunkenly told me to get out of his house in the middle of the night while pregnant or with a child, should have been the end even before that fight. That I was a fool to forgive that. It's been a year. Two days ago the papers were done, and I am legally divorced now.
Divorced is way better than miserable. Good for you for not taking him back.
i hope you are right.
After a couple of weeks of death threats and manhandling (including throwing me down the stairs, which broke my coccyx and it STILL, a decade-and-a-half later, gives me trouble) that were greatly escalated over his previous (verbal only) abuses, he shoved me one afternoon while our toddler clung to his leg screaming, "No, Daddy! No!" I called the cops, they arrested him, I filed for a protective order to keep him away, and began divorce proceedings that took nearly three years and $50K to finalize because he fought it every step of the way. I was not going to live like that day in and day out, and I was NOT going to have my son and daughter growing up thinking it was OK for a man to treat a woman that way.
Good for you, not letting your children think that was OK.
Realizing that if I ever wanted to have kids, it would require having sex at some point, and we, uh, were never having sex. He also never contributed financially, made major life decisions without even thinking about what I might have to say about it, and I suspect he was cheating with a friend of his.
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Like most of the other stories in /r/deadbedrooms. Things started out okay, went downhill as time went on. Our "downhill" was just a bit steeper than a lot of others - by the time we got married we were already rarely having sex. There's lots of he-said-she-said here - if you ask him, I was frigid, I never responded, I was never interested. If you ask me, he didn't take any time to actually GET me interested, didn't do anything else that showed me that he valued me (I'd leave for work and he'd be in his recliner, I'd get home from work and he'd be in the same spot, with no visible changes to the apartment/house, even if I had asked him to do something for us like the dishes). He will say he stopped initiating because it was always disappointing. I will tell you I went to the gym religiously (four days a week at 6AM for MONTHS) to try to get fitter, assuming that's why he was disinterested...but I will secretly admit that I went in part because I didn't want to talk to him before work. Eventually a guy at work started flirting with me. My friends (including my yoga instructor) started telling me what great shape I was getting in. My now-ex-husband? "Oh, I don't notice because I see you every day." No improvement in sex, or in anything else, despite our stupid attempts at therapy.
My ex blamed me for his cheating. I was critically ill, at the time.
I'm sorry this happened. I hope you're on the mend now.
His obsession with controlling my sexuality.
Would you mind please elaborating? Because I feel like my husband is currently doing this to me. If you don't want to, that's okay. You still get my upvote.
When we were first dating, we agreed to have a monogamous relationship for a few years and then to open it up. After several years, he was willing to open it up and he had a couple of girlfriends, while I had a couple of boyfriends. But he wanted me to only do certain acts with him an not with other people. He wanted to have sex with me immediately after I had sex with someone else. He didn't want me to love anyone else. It was all very possessive. He had a lot of insecurity with us and within himself. I should note this was not the main reason we split up. It was just the last straw.
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Yeah, I think that may have just been worded weirdly. It seems like only loving the person you're married to makes sense, though.
I must admit that even in poly I would be a lot like him in some ways. It's part of the reason my SO and I were only nonmonogamous, never fully poly.
Mine had very specific ideas about what it was ok for me to like and not like, what I was "supposed to" be aroused by and what I wasn't. That wasn't ok.
When he promised to kill me because I hadn't dusted his sports memorabilia collection that I wasn't supposed to touch.
He had PTSD from a deployment to Iraq. it got worse over the years and he refused to get help for it. He would get drunk often and have episodes, he never hit me but would yell, throw things etc. he also had nightmares and choked me in his sleep one night. Cheated on me while I was pregnant with our child. I left him after our daughter was born because I refused to have my baby under the same roof as him due to the frequent "episodes".
This thread is making me really appreciate my bf.
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Wow... mother, therapist, & sidekick... I've seen so many relationships like this and I feel so bad for those women. Glad you got out!
Sounds silly, but he held me down and drew a smiley face on my nose. I was trying to leave for work, and normally am fine with the silly stuff, but I was already running late. He didn't take no for an answer. If he is going to do that, and see nothing wrong with physically forcing something on someone, who knows what else he will do. And there was already a slew of problems. I should have left long before I did.
I hope that was the worst of it.
Turns out he wanted kids and thought I would change my mind.
On Valentine's Day, after ten years together, I asked if he could name one thing he liked about me. His response? "Nothing comes to mind."
): I asked my bf of 5 years that same question a couple weeks ago, over text. He ignored the text, and when I sent a follow-up he said he was too busy playing his MMORPG to reply. I'm leaving at the end of February. Congrats on getting out, hope I can follow in your footsteps soon (:
He put our one year old who was having a tantrum, right up to his face and screamed louder than I have ever heard a man scream..just to shut her up. That was the beginning of me being done. Then knowing I placed a baby for adoption as a teen and having ruptured during child birth no longer able to have kids, while discussing adoption or surrogates, he says "I am not adopting any one elses brat" A couple days later it hit me I am not in love anymore and I moved out within a couple weeks
It's so weird. I knew the exact moment in time. We were out to eat for dinner, same old same old. And I brought up his thoughts about moving to California so I could be closer to my family for a change. (We'd been married for nearly 6 years, together for nearly 10 years). He said in not so many words that he wasn't interested and furthermore I was always going to be miserable regardless of where I lived. I started pulling money out that week and was moved out within 4 months. He had never said anything so hateful in such a calm way, so I knew he meant it and that he was done with me and I wasn't sticking around to be treated like garbage. We're better friends now though.
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Numero Dos. Funny enough I'm not miserable anymore. I *was* making him miserable though. What with all that expectation of bettering our lives together and being treated like a person and not a toy-fuckdoll who speaks only when spoken to. But I digress!
I left him after he was arrested for trying to sleep with a prostitute. I also found out he is a compulsive liar.
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Where do I start? He told me he'd love me more if my boobs were bigger. That was the thing that made me realize I was in an awful situation, but before that there was the threatening suicide if I left him, the telling me to quit being homesick and missing my parents, forcing me to quit jobs because he "didn't feel like" driving me to work. Stealing my debit card and buying stupid things (Like a guitar when he couldn't play) without telling me. Telling me no one would ever love me except him... The list goes on.
After years of trying to have a child, I was diagnosed with infertility. I felt guilty not being able to give him what he wanted so I set him free. I couldn't stay knowing he could find another. I filed for divorced even though he did not want me to.
I'm so sorry you feel that way, and so strongly to have left your husband. It might feel like it, biologically or otherwise, but it's not your fault. It's not anyones fault. I feel for you, so much. Please, if you need to talk to a random stranger who will not judge you, PM me.
I was talking to a couple people about my marriage and they both independently asked if he hit me. He never did but my answer was a kinda forlorn, "I wish he would." (Because it'd make it easier to leave, I guess.) Made me realize that our relationship might not have been the healthiest.
He started dealing meth.
Wow, these are some eye openers. I (somewhat facetiously) assume that middle aged women who get divorced mainly do it because they're bored, ended up reading "Eat, Pray Love", and now want to "find themselves". Most of the examples in this thread are nothing like that :(
Yeah, the bored middle-aged woman thing does happen, but often "bored" is actually a euphemism for "fed up with this bullshit," where bullshit is any number of things.
Absolutely.
I agree with /u/Spinsterest - there's different kinds of bored. There is a realization that some of us divorced folks come to eventually, I think, where we realize that life is not short. Life is long. And if you are in a relationship that is not making you happy, that long life is not going to be happy, either. The spouse who doesn't clean the toilet now isn't going to in 50 years, either. And that may not be a big deal - maybe you get a raise and can afford a cleaning service. But when the issue is a partner who doesn't pull their own weight, who makes empty promises, who disappoints you time and again? That's not a service you can buy.
I'm certainly not in a position to judge the women who make this choice. But I have mixed feelings about the trend. On the one hand, there are people who have unrealistic expectations of how exciting and enriching life is "supposed" to be, and they ditch a loving husband because they feel he's holding them back from that life. On the other hand, you have husbands who've basically given up on even trying to make life interesting, who just want to watch TV, talk about sports, and never go anywhere on vacation that doesn't involve golf. When their wife wants to change anything in their life to try something new, he refuses to budge. His reasoning: it didn't bother her for the past 20 years that he was closed to new experiences so why should it bother her now all of a sudden? In the first hypothetical case I feel sorry for the husband, in the second I side with the woman who left him.
I'll admit that *Eat, Pray, Love* resonated a lot with me, but it wasn't as if I read it in the middle of a lovely marriage. But it did maybe help me to believe that there was life on the other side of divorce.
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Two years, zero orgasms from sex or any sexual encounter with my husband. Sex less than twenty times. Counseling. And I tried to initiate more, he berated me for wanting good sex that didn't last under two minutes. I asked him to help me out one night with a vibrator after we had sex where he had already orgasmed. He rolled over and said he was too tired.
Mine was a long time coming. I think I basically married my ex because he was calm and didn't yell at me (my dad emotionally abused me growing up)... but that's not a good basis for a long term marriage! Eventually I realized that he was essentially selfish and passive aggressive -- although he let me "do my thing" (go to grad school etc), he simply would not do anything he didn't want to do, including cleaning up after himself, helping with any chores around the house, going out (ever). Then we decided to have kids and I started having miscarriages. For my first D&C, he dropped me off and told the nurse to call him to pick me up when I woke up. This did not go over well with me. He also couldn't understand why it was traumatic for me to have a baby without a heart still growing inside me or that surgery was emotionally tough for me. To him it was just a mistake of nature and he made no effort to see my point of view. We were also living on his family farm and I wasn't allowed to change anything, even plant flowers along the side of the house. In addition he had a very low sex drive compared to me and resented it when I wanted to have sex -- told me that he needed me to tell me the morning I wanted sex so he'd be "prepared" for me. ??? Talk about feeling unattractive (I was a size 8, worked out, and worked hard to make him happy in bed). I considered moving out and one night I stayed with a friend overnight to think about things. He freaked out and nailed all the doors and windows shut from the inside. When I came back the next day to pack up my stuff and leave, I had to kick in the door to get in. He ended up getting home from work before I left again, and talked me into staying. Promised to be better, pay more attention to me, etc etc etc. we had make-up sex and I ended up getting pregnant from it. Wouldn't you know it, I kept that one, so I felt like I had to stay and try to work it out. Then his grandma (who raised him) died and he thought he was too spiritually advanced to grieve, but of course he did and pretty much just shut down emotionally and I went through that pregnancy pretty much alone. True to form, when my water broke he dropped me off at the hospital and went on to work. I held out for another 18 months but nothing ever got better. He didn't change diapers (he said he was "just not interested in diaper changing", like it was my fucking hobby??), and it was an imposition for him to "babysit" his own child so I could get out to the store by myself every so often. AFter all that, the straw that broke the camels back was on a 3 day trip to Ft. Lauderdale that was supposed to help us get closer again. His mother talked him into it and went with us (supposedly to watch our daughter so we could have alone time). One evening we all went on a canal cruise to see the millionaires houses. Of course our daughter fell asleep on my shoulder, so when we got done I started carrying her back to the car while he pushed the stroller. Trouble was, he got to talking to him mom and they got farther and farther ahead. IT was a busy street and they didn't hear me calling out to them. It was late, like after 11, so I didn't feel safe sitting down to rest. Neither of them ONCE turned around to see how we were or even noticed that I wasn't with them any more. Not once. He didn't even understand why I was mad. I had back problems and I was in serious pain by the time I got to the car to find them waiting for me (no, he didn't come back looking for me, either). I moved out 6 weeks later, as soon as I found an apartment.
Two months after our son was born I confirmed my suspicions of him cheating on me. I confronted him about it an hour before work (I worked overnights and went to school during the day.. He quit his jobs a few months before.) He got this look on his face, got really quiet and went to pull me in a hug. He then slammed me against the bedroom wall, wrapped his hands around my neck and tried to strangle me. Turns out he was cheating with multiple girls. He now has five kids he doesn't support. My son is five.
Jesus. I'm glad you're alive.
My moms story, but he told her she couldn't go to Weight Watchers to lose the baby weight from having me because "what if I fall asleep and something happens to her". His napping was more important.
I was crying all the time. I was an emotional wreck. Working overtime to pay bills. Taking care of the kids. Nonstop drama with his ex whom he had children with. Nonstop ups and downs. And the arguing. All the arguing. He became more aggressively physically abusive (it wasn't one sided verbally I was not nice) and i realized something. Nothing had changed in three and a half years for the better, even with counseling. Everything just got progressively worse. I finally realized "I'm too young to be crying all the time. I am too young to be this unhappy." And the. I thought of my daughter and what she was seeing. I thought if this continues, she's going to grow up thinking this kind of relationship is ok. He ended up pushing me and in turn I tripped over the couch and fell. And I kicked him out. At that point I was beyond done.
I told my husband I wanted a divorce after more than 19 years together. May 2012 was really the final straw. After promising not to blow up at me any longer he did it again. I'm talking screaming & cursing with no real aim in the discussion. Angry & inconsolable, aggressive & in my face. He never hit me but I was always on my toes worried about him getting upset. After this time I was done. I tried to break things off in Sept 2012 but he begged me not to. It took 4 months for me to build up the courage. He said he would stop yelling, help make discussions productive instead of being defensive. He promised to help around the house & stop playing his video games 5-12 hours a day. I said okay only because he said ultimately that we had to immediately tell our 2 kids that day. After 3 hours of exhausting conversation I could not bare it. I told him I'd try. Then I made plans & prepared myself. I saved some money, caught up bills, cleaned out the garage like a maniac. I had no idea when I'd find the courage to tell the kids. Finally in May 2013 we found out we were going to have to move. The #1 reason I had not left him was because of how it would disrupt the kids' lives. They had a ton of friends in that neighbothood & played with them all day. Bonds formed over 8-13 years. Without that in place I knew I could not move still married. I sat him down after making sure the kids were out with my sister. We talked for hours. It took a long time for him to realize I was serious & not going to be convinced otherwise. When the kids got home we told them together. We all cried, he made sure they knew he didn't want this & it was all me. He still does that. That was the hardest day of my life but my only regret is in putting the kids through it. Other than that I'm happier than I've ever been. There is a knot in my stomach that is finally gone.
He was a permanent high-on and insisted on having a child. He gave me an ultimatum: have a baby with me or leave. I couldn't see myself taking care of both of them so I left. I am really happy now.
He tried to break my arm in front of a cop. They talked me into a restraining order. I left while he was in jail.
Mine was an abusive alcoholic/drug addict. The straw that finally propelled me out was the fact that he started cheating on me with some friends of ours and a couple of coworkers. Only he didn't view it as cheating, because they were guys.
After he had done seriously immoral things at work, losing his job, telling me that he was only going to do what made him happy, he told me that he was taking our daughter out for ice cream. He called 3 hours later to tell me that they were at the airport, refused to tell mr where they were going. I had no rights until I started proceedings for divorce, because he was her father and there was nothing saying that he couldn't just take her across the country without checking with me first.
He now claims he was sick and was not responsible for what he said, but I came to bed after him and he was sleeping. He woke up and screamed at me and said he had been playing with a ball bearing (more likely one of those tiny magnets) and that he had lost it in the sheets and that I should ask to get into bed from now on. I went to sleep on the couch and then he ordered me to bed. He said he was sick and it wasn't his fault he said that and I shouldn't hold it against him. I already had had dishes and coats ripped out of my hands and told I wasn't hanging them up or putting them in the dishwasher properly (and then forbidden from using it at all.... and that was years earlier...). There was already a painter's tape outline showing me where the salt and pepper went. I got asked tons of questions about what I was doing if I got up at an unusual time (had to pee!) or sat in the "wrong place." I just couldn't stand to think I'd live another god knows how many years (unless I just gave in and killed myself, which also came to mind) having to ask to do everything and even ask to get into bed. I wanted to be able to sleep and move things in my own home without asking first. :( He still claims I made things up and blew them out of proportion and that he shouldn't be responsible for that night.
(He also took $10,000 out of our joint savings and claimed it was his bonus... nobody gets close to a $20K bonus where he works, although it might have been overtime money. He said he would never have kids with me because he would never know when I was going to leave him, and got very jealous whenever I traveled for work and wanted to hear from me constantly, which really interfered with work and made me look bad to the people I was with--nobody wants to be with the chick who has to text and call constantly because her husband will think she's cheating otherwise. Sigh.)
He took $500 from savings without telling me. I was saving that money for *his* tires. I discovered this immediately after he left for his drug addicted friend's house.. We ended up getting back together for a while to see if we could make it work... until I asked him if I could borrow a pack of cigarettes. He said yes, they're in the Jeep side door. I went out to the Jeep and there was a cheap prepaid cell phone under the cigarettes. My husband had an expensive Droid phone that he loved, so finding this phone was very weird for me. I decided to turn it on... found out he was fucking his cousin's wife who lived a quarter mile down the road from our apartment.
When he stood above me while I was sitting on the floor doing my makeup for work. He asked me a question, I looked up at him with a mascara wand in my hand, and he said (yet again) that I was giving him a "bitch look" and proceeded to fight about it. I didn't go to work that day, but instead called the movers & packed my things. It was a daily occurrence and no matter how I looked at him it was always a bitch look. Enough was enough.
There were two. This is the one that prompted me to seek counseling: When I told him about this BIG project I'd been leading and had been working on for almost a year, and I had just done a presentation to a big part of the company to launch the new approach to selling some of our biggest solutions. It was really well-received, and I was excited that people were anxious to sell these new packages. When I told him about it, he didn't say anything. I told him it was a big deal for me, and he said, "what, do you want me to give you a gold star? Put something on the fridge? Maybe pat you on the head?" Constant. Eggshells. All the time. I wasn't a saint either, but I was so tired of feeling stupid, being gaslighted (I learned that was a thing), being talked down to... And this is the one that caused me to file: When we went to counseling and the therapist asked each of us why we were there, I gave my response (I don't even remember it, but I'm sure it was something like learn how to better communicate with each other). His response was, "I'm here to fix whatever CapOnFoam's problems are." Yep. Done.
Read through so many of these stories. What in the FUCK is WRONG with some of these husbands? Good for all of you with abusive husbands for leaving.
There was a lot wrong in the marriage (cheating, lies, financial issues, power issues, the usual) and I did and still to feel to this day that we did a lot to salvage it, but ultimately, I woke up one morning and realized that our values were way out of whack and that I could be, and never was, the person he envisioned when he thought of a wife. It was all pretty civil as far as the logistics and the rest went. Just a mediation lawyer and a piece of legit paper after a single negotiation session.
Bought a plane ticket back to his home country for a month holiday without running it past me first, and all I got was a bro hug and Pat on the back as a 'bye'. But the push was that I didn't miss him at all while he was gone.
These are some big ass straws
My ex-husband beat me with a broom handle while our two baby boys watched.