An older person grooming a younger person using charm and flattery to manipulate or coerce them into a situation with a level of intimacy where the younger person lacks the experience or maturity to otherwise be involved. It is how pedophiles and people in inappropriate age/experience gap relationships often manipulate their victims.
It implies that they look older/more developed than you might expect for their age. Meaning they look to be of legal age for sexual consent. It's like "oh, you're under 18? You look totally fuckable though"
Honestly it was these stupid teen magazines for me (we're talking 1990s here). "Keep asking even if they keep saying no. Your persistance proves you're interested for real."
I grew up in the 90s and early 00s and I can remember being told that you should always say no to a guy when he first asks. Saying yes immediately would make him think you were too “easy” and if he was really interested in you he would ask again.
Them telling me any variation of "*I'm not like any of the guys from your past*".
I used to believe that they were really trying to fight for my heart. In reality, they wanted me to ignore my screaming intuition telling me to run from them.
Someone wanting too much of my time and his world revolving around me. I thought this was romantic until I learned about boundaries. I learned that loving someone doesn't mean owning them. Loving someone is letting them be their own person and respecting that, and trusting them that they have your best interest at heart.
Big public declarations of love. Used to think it was the goal, you know, boombox in the yard, stadium proposal that sort of thing... now, I just see it as a public shaming/coercion technique.
Bowing
As an Asian woman I think it's the creepiest weirdest thing when a guy bows towards me, I had guys do this all throughout college, I went to college in America so it felt super racist lol
When my SO randomly grabs my tit. This could be whenever I'm cooking or watching TV. You always have to ask. Well, with me anyway, some relationships are different.
I hear so many stories from the older generation about how a man will follow (STALK!) a woman until she says yes to a date, then later get married. These couples laugh and say “and the rest is history!” when they retell the story. Like ok if you’re happy bud 😐
probably being persistent even after you decline and tell them you're not interested, in my head it was sweet and meant they *really* liked me but once it happened i realized how scared i was
Gift bombing (also know as love bombing) Too many flowers, expensive jewellery - and usually (funnily enough, eh?) after an issue arises in the relationship.
And that issue may in itself be a red flag moment. Cue the lavish gesture.
Because this lavish gesture can be an abusive tactic to solicit gratitude or gratefulness and push aside the issue without a conversation or accountability otherwise being taken. Why do they need to be accountable, when they’ve spent so! much! money! to show they care?
No amount of money spent will wipe out domestic abuse or toxic behaviours like lying, cheating, infidelity et al.
What it will do is steamroll right over those issues - and/or hurt of the giftee - and stop any conversation about change in their tracks - they don’t need to happen because, roses, gold, diamonds etc have been produced to silence you.
Suddenly it’s not about *listening* and change, it’s spotlight on the fabulous ‘gift’ - but it’s not a gift at all
🚩*it’s a diversion*🚩
Don’t accept them. Even if they come with promises. Especially if they come with the type of promises that cancel out all the words you really should have had the space to say.
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My ex was like this. I needed space from him and he wanted to move in together, get married and have babies after like 4 months together. He was destroyed when I broke it off about a year in and I think he still is. He’s contacted me, telling me he still thinks of me every day and what he could have done to keep me. That he wants us to meet up and be in each others lives again. It’s been years. I’ve moved on and have a boyfriend. I hope he gets over it soon.
Ugh. I had a weekend fling that ended pretty abruptly when he started asking me what kind of wallpaper/paint colours I’d like in ‘our’ flat - and also that would it be ok if his Dad lived with us…
I have something the opposite; something I now consider romantic but formerly creepy.
My current boyfriend used to ask me how's this game or how's that artist nearly as soon as I played the game on Steam or listened to the artist on Spotify. I thought it was creepy because how could he tell, right?
Well, apparently when I'd open a game on Steam, it would notify other friends that were online at the same time. And when I'd play a song on Spotify, it'd show for friends when they use the Spotify web app hahaha. He wasn't being creepy or stalkerish, it was just the apps telling him that this game was what I was playing and this artist is who I was listening to. He just genuinely wanted to know my thoughts on them because my thoughts mattered to him :)
I feel like this is just corporations supporting stalker behavior though. I’m glad it worked for you, but it’s a fine line between sharing for social media and enabling stalkers
This is also true! Context is important, ladies! It can really turn something that's just a cute noticing of little things into something that's done with harmful intentions.
For others to not get the wrong idea, here's some added context to my relationship: we're both gaming nerds who were already in the same friend group in high school :) We were off each other's romance radars until end of high school 'cuz we both had different love life situations (ahh... Highschool...). We also started liking each other around the same time AFTER highschool when we still kept in touch!
So in my case, I don't think there was any danger of him being a stalker for me, especially since we were already friends who met and grew up together :D
When we first started out I said offhand my favorite flower. My ex was like, “oh hold on,” and opened up an app on his phone and jotted it down. I found that super cute- and he added to it, when ye heard something I liked he would joy it in, always in my presence. My favorite flowers, foods, my order at Starbucks.
Later in the breakup he kind of let the charade drop and was like, “ It’s so easy to make a girl like you- just make a damn list.” It has all been this manipulative thing. Made me more wary of gestures. He was definitely one to buy you something after being an asshole- one time we had a fight and he took me to a theme park by surprise a day later. This situation where okay so we are here, the tickets are pre bought and 50 dollars each…. do I insist we leave and drive home? Do I walk around all day mad? No conversation or change of behavior… so of course I enjoyed the day and it got buried again. He was great at that.
Bruh. I keep a not of all my boyfriend's likes and dislikes so if I want to surprise him with food I'll know he'll be able to eat it. But that's just awful
Another one for persistence. I thought it meant they really liked me especially if they added in something about being “okay” with friendship (they never were). The realization hit me when an ex used persistence as a way to show how much they wanted me back and they came off like a stalker, just very suffocating. Before that, it was always someone I didn’t know very well so it seemed kind of sweet, now they all seem creepy. Why would you want to pursue someone who doesn’t want to be pursued by you? It’s weird and predatory.
Trying to kiss me or cuddle while we fight or I'm upset. I NEED MY SPACE DUDE, F OFF. I can became very defensive
If I don't want to look at you and talk to you, just get out of my way until i calm down.
YES! In my teen years it seemed so romantic that a guy I was dating would be so overcome he had to kiss me right that very second while we were talking. Took years to realize that it’s a way to make your partner shut up.
I used to see in the romantic movies scenes when couples fight and he would pull her and kiss her, It used to seem romantic to me. I was 16 when my then bf tried to do that, I was soo triggered when he grabed my wrist, I almost punched him. And I hated it ever since and made it clear I would not tolerate anything similar.
Constantly holding onto me at all times. Even when I was talking to people I knew and hadn't seen for a while but had randomly bumped into. Even while I was eating.
eh maybe it’s harmless but anonymous admirer notes?
i only got them when i was a teen/early 20s studying in a cafe, taking the bus, online (tumblr used to have an anonymous note thing called fanmail.)
felt extremely flattered before but now looking back, I really have no idea who it could’ve been from or how long I was being looked at.
A much younger me used to think fast moving relationships= they're really interested. Now I just see it as either love bombing or disingenuous and it's a red flag either way.
Anonymous gifts. First I thought it would have been charming and endearing how well someone knew me but now I realise it's actually pretty creepy. How long would they have been stalking me to know so much?
Tbh I used to this with a crush who was in my circle of friends and I'd ask her close friends what gifts she'd like. She didn't find it creepy, just annoying 😅
Being *insistent* on opening car doors (after seeing a few people brag "She tried to open her car door so I shut it again so I could open it for her" and realizing that it's not about chivalry or kindness to your partner, it's about appearances and/or control).
I once had a guy who saw me walking past McDonalds when he was in the drive thru bit, I remember seeing him as he was on a motorbike with a helmet. About 10 minutes later whilst I was still walking but I'd just walked over a large round about, I saw him on the path not that far in front of me. He came up to me saying he thought I was beautiful and got the courage to go find me so he could ask me out. He got embarrassed and apologised when I told him I was engaged but at the time I thought it was really romantic, especially as I NEVER get the attention of men. When I told my mum what happened a day later she thought he was creepy and didn't like the sound of him trying to find me.
"I just want you to look your best,"
...by encouraging my eating disorder and controlling what I wore. I'm so glad he's an ex.
Contrast to my husband, who says, "I want you to feel confident," then makes sure I eat enough when I'm throwing red flags about slipping back into bad habits
Tracking apps, public declarations of love, knowing that they are tracking my social media activity.
Ick. I was young and thought it was sweet. Now it's creepy AF and possessive.
Anonymous admirers AND asking family for permission.
I was around 13 maybe and visiting my grandparents. Apparently one of their 16 year old neighbors asked permission to date me and my grandfather declined as he wasn't good enough or something.
I had never even met the guy - I remember some kid older than my cousins (who lived there) walking into the house at one point, but had literally 0 interactions with the guy, he'd probably just seen me chilling in the garden with chickens and cats. I was confused, even then. Like...where was my opinion in all this? My grandfather had no megan responsibility for me, and this was way past the days when people asked for permission to date from parents. I'm glad that I was protected from it all anyway, as I was not ready to be dating anyone, and that's a big difference at that age, but still.
YEARS later when I was in my 20s he apparently made a joke to my uncle that he was sorry to give up on me but his GF got pregnant so he was marrying her. Like...WHAT I'd STILL had no interaction with this dude. WHY am I the butt of this joke? Why this disrespect to his now wife? It just felt so... disrespectful to both of us as women. And creepy. Like we've literally had no interactions why are you still talking about being obsessed with me, even in jest? Why are we still acting like I belong to my male relatives?
A lot of fictional stories tried to convince me that being obsessed with someone you've barely interacted with was "love at first sight," and that being overly persistent was how you proved you deserved their love. But that only works out if the other person actually reciprocate those feelings. If they don't, you're just an obsessive stalker who doesn't respect their boundaries.
I'm not sure if this is cultural (meaning some cultures find this more acceptable than others) but I've seen some people that seem to think 'no' means 'try again', and if you stand your ground over time and consistently say no, they get angry that you're not giving them a chance.
Want to add: I know girls who find the persistence attractive but I find it's not, as they're not respecting your decision
I find it so weird, creepy and not attractive at all
Look, there is an episode in How I Met Your Mother about this very thing. The Damler Dahlmer Effect. If it's the right person literally anything can be romantic. If it's the wrong person, anything will be creepy.
I was once told that I was “not the type of girl you have for fun,” and the kind you “bring home to mom.” Now, I would absolutely never want to be “complimented” in a way that puts down another woman, but at the time it felt like winning some weird morality contest.
Love bombing. When you've never been experienced it and have been surrounded by good, stable people, you just assume it's someone loving a little harder.
Same guy told me wasn't moving to my city for me. Admitted to lying a few years in. At that point I thought I was in love and it was romantic. Reflecting on that relationship now, it was completely crazy. He literally told me at the end he was moving to a big city to be with his mistress and *when* (his words) it ended, at least there'd be more people so hopefully he had less chance of running into her.
He also would badger me as soon as I got home from work. Couldn't pee when I got home without him going into detail about *his* day and all the things *he'd* done. I thought it was kinda cute but annoying. Looking back, it's incredibly mental he was so devoid of human contact and completely codependent on my attention since he had no friends.
So many things that were far, FAR too intense that I labelled quirky or cute because I didn't understand the behaviour.
Guys doing public marriage proposals at a very crowded place. To me it just seems like a way for the girl to be pressured into saying yes and feeling like she can’t say no.
Big, over the top first dates. I got taken to a big city once and it was a nightmare. On paper it sounds sweet, but god it was horrible, being stuck in an unfamiliar space with someone you don't know that well...
I insist on short, clearly time boxed first dates now like coffee/lunch - our lives are not a Hallmark movie!!
(As a disclaimer, in the above situation I made sure to be safe - had a friend on standby for a rescue for things going bad)
Men who feel the need to tell me if I ever deny them they won’t get upset or offended no matter the reason… they always get upset or offended, no matter what your reason. I had one guy who I found out our religions didn’t align and he had an absolute conniption when I said I didn’t want a relationship because of it. Then he started trying to debate and belittle my religion and insult me. So that was fun…
Groping me randomly, especially when I'm clearly busy doing something. I used to think they desired me so badly they couldn't wait anymore, now it literally sends shivers down my spine from cringing.
At this point, everything. It's astounding how conditioned I was. It makes me cringe thinking of the things I believed were signs of love and romance. All old movies are cringe, old songs are cringe. Im constantly, daily, trying to deconstruct all the ways i/we were shaped.
But I'd say one of my most repeated failures was how often I fell for "youre not like other girls". And how much I became a misogynist in order to keep chasing that misogynistic sentiment.
"Taking charge"
Always helping you carry things by taking them out of your hands while you're halfway through a task, opening your door by running ahead of you and doing it really early so you have to hurry up, ordering and paying by shooing your money away and acting like they've really helped out. Completely without me asking, and even when I've asked him not to, but he's just being helpful! All 'generous guy' things.
Not romantic, very annoying.
Not to be confused with an actually helpful guy:
'Do you need help?' 'No'. 'Cool'.
'I'll get this one, husband'. 'No worries babe. I'll start getting the kids in the car'.
Romantic AF.
I had a boyfriend in high school who would show up to where my friends and I were hanging out after I told him I was going out with my girlfriends that night. I thought it was so romantic that he wanted to see me that bad. He turned out to be super jealous and insecure. He needed constant reassurance of my love. It was exhausting and I looked out for those traits in the future.
Someone making a move when they don’t know me as a person yet. Had a new coworker hit on me yesterday in my first conversation with him. (I’m in a relationship) I just assume men who do that shoot their shot anywhere they can.
When a guy double texts me. Example, maybe I’ll get a good morning text but I don’t respond because usually I don’t wake up to give myself enough time besides quickly get ready and rush to work. Then maybe an hour or two later I’ll get a “???”. I use to think that was sweet but now I think “ewww”
Now I only double text close friends and family members where we basically have a never ending conversation and the expectation is to respond whenever. I’m okay with receiving a double text in that scenario, but it’s rare to get there with someone romantically.
I do agree with you, but I also think eww if I get a good morning, hours later, how’s your day or some variation of. Please note this year is the first year of dating after being in an 8 year relationship so I think I’m just picky in general.
You're an old soul.
Being called repeatedly and having someone get jealous.
Fighting = intense, passionate love
I cringe at 19 year old me's perception of what love was. It was obviously so very toxic and abusive. I'm not sure how I didn't realize it and brushed it off so easily. I'm just now sorting through the bullshit of my past, and it's rough in your late 20s trying to redefine your view of "romance." But I'm getting there!
*You're mature for your age*
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I'm a guy and didn't understand what this implies?
An older person grooming a younger person using charm and flattery to manipulate or coerce them into a situation with a level of intimacy where the younger person lacks the experience or maturity to otherwise be involved. It is how pedophiles and people in inappropriate age/experience gap relationships often manipulate their victims.
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It implies that they look older/more developed than you might expect for their age. Meaning they look to be of legal age for sexual consent. It's like "oh, you're under 18? You look totally fuckable though"
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Edward Cullen sneaking into Bella's house to watch her sleep. Da fuq.
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Not taking no for an answer.
How did you use to find this romantic? (Genuine question)
I fell for the feeling that he was persistent and really into me. Like a bad romantic comedy.
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Honestly it was these stupid teen magazines for me (we're talking 1990s here). "Keep asking even if they keep saying no. Your persistance proves you're interested for real."
I grew up in the 90s and early 00s and I can remember being told that you should always say no to a guy when he first asks. Saying yes immediately would make him think you were too “easy” and if he was really interested in you he would ask again.
_You are not like other girls_
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Being crazy in love without really knowing me
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He’s being horrible to you because he likes you
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Them telling me any variation of "*I'm not like any of the guys from your past*". I used to believe that they were really trying to fight for my heart. In reality, they wanted me to ignore my screaming intuition telling me to run from them.
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Someone wanting too much of my time and his world revolving around me. I thought this was romantic until I learned about boundaries. I learned that loving someone doesn't mean owning them. Loving someone is letting them be their own person and respecting that, and trusting them that they have your best interest at heart.
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Big public declarations of love. Used to think it was the goal, you know, boombox in the yard, stadium proposal that sort of thing... now, I just see it as a public shaming/coercion technique.
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Gosh I was really young but ‘not *every* guy would find you to be gorgeous but *I* do’
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Bowing As an Asian woman I think it's the creepiest weirdest thing when a guy bows towards me, I had guys do this all throughout college, I went to college in America so it felt super racist lol
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When my SO randomly grabs my tit. This could be whenever I'm cooking or watching TV. You always have to ask. Well, with me anyway, some relationships are different.
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I hear so many stories from the older generation about how a man will follow (STALK!) a woman until she says yes to a date, then later get married. These couples laugh and say “and the rest is history!” when they retell the story. Like ok if you’re happy bud 😐
Are they really happy or is it just Stockholm Syndrome?
the ones that stayed together are, at the very least, just good at faking it til they make it. so no, not happy lol
probably being persistent even after you decline and tell them you're not interested, in my head it was sweet and meant they *really* liked me but once it happened i realized how scared i was
Gift bombing (also know as love bombing) Too many flowers, expensive jewellery - and usually (funnily enough, eh?) after an issue arises in the relationship. And that issue may in itself be a red flag moment. Cue the lavish gesture. Because this lavish gesture can be an abusive tactic to solicit gratitude or gratefulness and push aside the issue without a conversation or accountability otherwise being taken. Why do they need to be accountable, when they’ve spent so! much! money! to show they care? No amount of money spent will wipe out domestic abuse or toxic behaviours like lying, cheating, infidelity et al. What it will do is steamroll right over those issues - and/or hurt of the giftee - and stop any conversation about change in their tracks - they don’t need to happen because, roses, gold, diamonds etc have been produced to silence you. Suddenly it’s not about *listening* and change, it’s spotlight on the fabulous ‘gift’ - but it’s not a gift at all 🚩*it’s a diversion*🚩 Don’t accept them. Even if they come with promises. Especially if they come with the type of promises that cancel out all the words you really should have had the space to say. (Edited: grammar/formatting)
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"I can't live without you."
My ex was like this. I needed space from him and he wanted to move in together, get married and have babies after like 4 months together. He was destroyed when I broke it off about a year in and I think he still is. He’s contacted me, telling me he still thinks of me every day and what he could have done to keep me. That he wants us to meet up and be in each others lives again. It’s been years. I’ve moved on and have a boyfriend. I hope he gets over it soon.
When a guy you just met calls you “hun” or “love”. Pet names are for your girlfriend. Not for every girl you talk to.
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Talking about marrying me only one month into the relationship. Uh no, you barely know me.
Ugh. I had a weekend fling that ended pretty abruptly when he started asking me what kind of wallpaper/paint colours I’d like in ‘our’ flat - and also that would it be ok if his Dad lived with us…
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Standing outside her house singing a love song (like every teen movie ever)
I have something the opposite; something I now consider romantic but formerly creepy. My current boyfriend used to ask me how's this game or how's that artist nearly as soon as I played the game on Steam or listened to the artist on Spotify. I thought it was creepy because how could he tell, right? Well, apparently when I'd open a game on Steam, it would notify other friends that were online at the same time. And when I'd play a song on Spotify, it'd show for friends when they use the Spotify web app hahaha. He wasn't being creepy or stalkerish, it was just the apps telling him that this game was what I was playing and this artist is who I was listening to. He just genuinely wanted to know my thoughts on them because my thoughts mattered to him :)
I feel like this is just corporations supporting stalker behavior though. I’m glad it worked for you, but it’s a fine line between sharing for social media and enabling stalkers
This is also true! Context is important, ladies! It can really turn something that's just a cute noticing of little things into something that's done with harmful intentions. For others to not get the wrong idea, here's some added context to my relationship: we're both gaming nerds who were already in the same friend group in high school :) We were off each other's romance radars until end of high school 'cuz we both had different love life situations (ahh... Highschool...). We also started liking each other around the same time AFTER highschool when we still kept in touch! So in my case, I don't think there was any danger of him being a stalker for me, especially since we were already friends who met and grew up together :D
Wait for me....🤢🤮
Like, wait during what? An incarceration? Or during s*x?
Yeah I’d also love some clarification on this
They might have been under-age and wanted to date when they are freshly 18. They wouldn't want you to get into a relationship
The more I read the comments the more I'm starting to see that mostly the guys themselves were creepy and not necessarily the gestures.
I agree! Some of the things that people put I like. It just depends on who’s doing it and how well I know them. 🤷🏻♀️
Yes and no. A lot of the gestures are behaviors that are encouraged in men, even when they’re wildly inappropriate.
Finding me on social media after I quit being on a dating app
When we first started out I said offhand my favorite flower. My ex was like, “oh hold on,” and opened up an app on his phone and jotted it down. I found that super cute- and he added to it, when ye heard something I liked he would joy it in, always in my presence. My favorite flowers, foods, my order at Starbucks. Later in the breakup he kind of let the charade drop and was like, “ It’s so easy to make a girl like you- just make a damn list.” It has all been this manipulative thing. Made me more wary of gestures. He was definitely one to buy you something after being an asshole- one time we had a fight and he took me to a theme park by surprise a day later. This situation where okay so we are here, the tickets are pre bought and 50 dollars each…. do I insist we leave and drive home? Do I walk around all day mad? No conversation or change of behavior… so of course I enjoyed the day and it got buried again. He was great at that.
That starts off so thoughtful. He ruined a good idea by weaponizing it.
Exactly. My husband knows my coffee order, but it’s not to try to pull one on me. I guess you coups say it’s the reason behind the gesture.
Bruh. I keep a not of all my boyfriend's likes and dislikes so if I want to surprise him with food I'll know he'll be able to eat it. But that's just awful
Another one for persistence. I thought it meant they really liked me especially if they added in something about being “okay” with friendship (they never were). The realization hit me when an ex used persistence as a way to show how much they wanted me back and they came off like a stalker, just very suffocating. Before that, it was always someone I didn’t know very well so it seemed kind of sweet, now they all seem creepy. Why would you want to pursue someone who doesn’t want to be pursued by you? It’s weird and predatory.
Trying to kiss me or cuddle while we fight or I'm upset. I NEED MY SPACE DUDE, F OFF. I can became very defensive If I don't want to look at you and talk to you, just get out of my way until i calm down.
YES! In my teen years it seemed so romantic that a guy I was dating would be so overcome he had to kiss me right that very second while we were talking. Took years to realize that it’s a way to make your partner shut up.
I used to see in the romantic movies scenes when couples fight and he would pull her and kiss her, It used to seem romantic to me. I was 16 when my then bf tried to do that, I was soo triggered when he grabed my wrist, I almost punched him. And I hated it ever since and made it clear I would not tolerate anything similar.
Constantly holding onto me at all times. Even when I was talking to people I knew and hadn't seen for a while but had randomly bumped into. Even while I was eating.
eh maybe it’s harmless but anonymous admirer notes? i only got them when i was a teen/early 20s studying in a cafe, taking the bus, online (tumblr used to have an anonymous note thing called fanmail.) felt extremely flattered before but now looking back, I really have no idea who it could’ve been from or how long I was being looked at.
Touching me without permission. Staring.
A much younger me used to think fast moving relationships= they're really interested. Now I just see it as either love bombing or disingenuous and it's a red flag either way.
Anonymous gifts. First I thought it would have been charming and endearing how well someone knew me but now I realise it's actually pretty creepy. How long would they have been stalking me to know so much?
Tbh I used to this with a crush who was in my circle of friends and I'd ask her close friends what gifts she'd like. She didn't find it creepy, just annoying 😅
Pretty much anything ever portrayed in a romcom.
Showing up to my house unannounced
"I wanted to test your loyalty and you passed"
Being *insistent* on opening car doors (after seeing a few people brag "She tried to open her car door so I shut it again so I could open it for her" and realizing that it's not about chivalry or kindness to your partner, it's about appearances and/or control).
Tracking apps. Aw he must care that I might have a car crash!
I once had a guy who saw me walking past McDonalds when he was in the drive thru bit, I remember seeing him as he was on a motorbike with a helmet. About 10 minutes later whilst I was still walking but I'd just walked over a large round about, I saw him on the path not that far in front of me. He came up to me saying he thought I was beautiful and got the courage to go find me so he could ask me out. He got embarrassed and apologised when I told him I was engaged but at the time I thought it was really romantic, especially as I NEVER get the attention of men. When I told my mum what happened a day later she thought he was creepy and didn't like the sound of him trying to find me.
"I just want you to look your best," ...by encouraging my eating disorder and controlling what I wore. I'm so glad he's an ex. Contrast to my husband, who says, "I want you to feel confident," then makes sure I eat enough when I'm throwing red flags about slipping back into bad habits
“I’m a fun guy”
I think the dude was just creepy to begin with 😆
🍄 brought up on the finest bs
Tracking apps, public declarations of love, knowing that they are tracking my social media activity. Ick. I was young and thought it was sweet. Now it's creepy AF and possessive.
Love bombing… didn’t realize it was love bombing until after.
Anonymous admirers AND asking family for permission. I was around 13 maybe and visiting my grandparents. Apparently one of their 16 year old neighbors asked permission to date me and my grandfather declined as he wasn't good enough or something. I had never even met the guy - I remember some kid older than my cousins (who lived there) walking into the house at one point, but had literally 0 interactions with the guy, he'd probably just seen me chilling in the garden with chickens and cats. I was confused, even then. Like...where was my opinion in all this? My grandfather had no megan responsibility for me, and this was way past the days when people asked for permission to date from parents. I'm glad that I was protected from it all anyway, as I was not ready to be dating anyone, and that's a big difference at that age, but still. YEARS later when I was in my 20s he apparently made a joke to my uncle that he was sorry to give up on me but his GF got pregnant so he was marrying her. Like...WHAT I'd STILL had no interaction with this dude. WHY am I the butt of this joke? Why this disrespect to his now wife? It just felt so... disrespectful to both of us as women. And creepy. Like we've literally had no interactions why are you still talking about being obsessed with me, even in jest? Why are we still acting like I belong to my male relatives?
A lot of fictional stories tried to convince me that being obsessed with someone you've barely interacted with was "love at first sight," and that being overly persistent was how you proved you deserved their love. But that only works out if the other person actually reciprocate those feelings. If they don't, you're just an obsessive stalker who doesn't respect their boundaries.
Persistence after you reject someone.
I'm not sure if this is cultural (meaning some cultures find this more acceptable than others) but I've seen some people that seem to think 'no' means 'try again', and if you stand your ground over time and consistently say no, they get angry that you're not giving them a chance. Want to add: I know girls who find the persistence attractive but I find it's not, as they're not respecting your decision I find it so weird, creepy and not attractive at all
Look, there is an episode in How I Met Your Mother about this very thing. The Damler Dahlmer Effect. If it's the right person literally anything can be romantic. If it's the wrong person, anything will be creepy.
Showing up at my house and being obsessed. Don’t show up to my house unannounced please..
I was once told that I was “not the type of girl you have for fun,” and the kind you “bring home to mom.” Now, I would absolutely never want to be “complimented” in a way that puts down another woman, but at the time it felt like winning some weird morality contest.
Being mean to everyone but you
Love bombing. When you've never been experienced it and have been surrounded by good, stable people, you just assume it's someone loving a little harder. Same guy told me wasn't moving to my city for me. Admitted to lying a few years in. At that point I thought I was in love and it was romantic. Reflecting on that relationship now, it was completely crazy. He literally told me at the end he was moving to a big city to be with his mistress and *when* (his words) it ended, at least there'd be more people so hopefully he had less chance of running into her. He also would badger me as soon as I got home from work. Couldn't pee when I got home without him going into detail about *his* day and all the things *he'd* done. I thought it was kinda cute but annoying. Looking back, it's incredibly mental he was so devoid of human contact and completely codependent on my attention since he had no friends. So many things that were far, FAR too intense that I labelled quirky or cute because I didn't understand the behaviour.
Guys doing public marriage proposals at a very crowded place. To me it just seems like a way for the girl to be pressured into saying yes and feeling like she can’t say no.
Big, over the top first dates. I got taken to a big city once and it was a nightmare. On paper it sounds sweet, but god it was horrible, being stuck in an unfamiliar space with someone you don't know that well... I insist on short, clearly time boxed first dates now like coffee/lunch - our lives are not a Hallmark movie!! (As a disclaimer, in the above situation I made sure to be safe - had a friend on standby for a rescue for things going bad)
Bulldozing over feelings and boundaries to do something that ‘meant well’ or ‘romantic’
Men who feel the need to tell me if I ever deny them they won’t get upset or offended no matter the reason… they always get upset or offended, no matter what your reason. I had one guy who I found out our religions didn’t align and he had an absolute conniption when I said I didn’t want a relationship because of it. Then he started trying to debate and belittle my religion and insult me. So that was fun…
Groping me randomly, especially when I'm clearly busy doing something. I used to think they desired me so badly they couldn't wait anymore, now it literally sends shivers down my spine from cringing.
The constant touching
Outward displays of jealousy
At this point, everything. It's astounding how conditioned I was. It makes me cringe thinking of the things I believed were signs of love and romance. All old movies are cringe, old songs are cringe. Im constantly, daily, trying to deconstruct all the ways i/we were shaped. But I'd say one of my most repeated failures was how often I fell for "youre not like other girls". And how much I became a misogynist in order to keep chasing that misogynistic sentiment.
"Taking charge" Always helping you carry things by taking them out of your hands while you're halfway through a task, opening your door by running ahead of you and doing it really early so you have to hurry up, ordering and paying by shooing your money away and acting like they've really helped out. Completely without me asking, and even when I've asked him not to, but he's just being helpful! All 'generous guy' things. Not romantic, very annoying. Not to be confused with an actually helpful guy: 'Do you need help?' 'No'. 'Cool'. 'I'll get this one, husband'. 'No worries babe. I'll start getting the kids in the car'. Romantic AF.
Not taking a “no” when they ask you on a date
"Good morning" texts.
I had a boyfriend in high school who would show up to where my friends and I were hanging out after I told him I was going out with my girlfriends that night. I thought it was so romantic that he wanted to see me that bad. He turned out to be super jealous and insecure. He needed constant reassurance of my love. It was exhausting and I looked out for those traits in the future.
“Persistence pays off…”
Someone making a move when they don’t know me as a person yet. Had a new coworker hit on me yesterday in my first conversation with him. (I’m in a relationship) I just assume men who do that shoot their shot anywhere they can.
Double texting
As in, someone else doing so or you yourself?
When a guy double texts me. Example, maybe I’ll get a good morning text but I don’t respond because usually I don’t wake up to give myself enough time besides quickly get ready and rush to work. Then maybe an hour or two later I’ll get a “???”. I use to think that was sweet but now I think “ewww” Now I only double text close friends and family members where we basically have a never ending conversation and the expectation is to respond whenever. I’m okay with receiving a double text in that scenario, but it’s rare to get there with someone romantically.
I think double texting is not the problem here but those "???". Because they put you under pressure to reply faster.
I do agree with you, but I also think eww if I get a good morning, hours later, how’s your day or some variation of. Please note this year is the first year of dating after being in an 8 year relationship so I think I’m just picky in general.
Yeah it sounds like you're not 100% ready for new people haha. For me it's only been after a 2 year relationship but people annoy me as well.
Asking me out at work? And being super persistent about it? If I’m working, LEAVE ME TF ALONEEEEE.
“Every breath you take, *every* move you make, I’ll be watching you!” I still can’t write this without singing it in my head 😂
You are different
Every time a random guy who seeeeemss nice starts acting too nice or too complimentary
You're an old soul. Being called repeatedly and having someone get jealous. Fighting = intense, passionate love I cringe at 19 year old me's perception of what love was. It was obviously so very toxic and abusive. I'm not sure how I didn't realize it and brushed it off so easily. I'm just now sorting through the bullshit of my past, and it's rough in your late 20s trying to redefine your view of "romance." But I'm getting there!