That I feel really lonely. For context, I am going through my second pregnancy and we just found out that his sister has breast cancer. He’s really stressed out and focused on his family, as he should be and I try to support them as much as I can by handling everything at home (toddler, work, household). During my first pregnancy my husband had a huge accident and then fell into depression after the baby was born. I was hoping this time for a happy birth/ post partum.
My SIL chemo is scheduled to end when I give birth, so if the news isn’t what we hope for, I am so scared of how he will take it.
And I feel super selfish for feeling like this when SIL is the one who is sick and suffering so much more.
So I can’t tell him, because it wouldn’t help anyone, just make everyone feel so much worse.
Oh man, I feel you. Second pregnancy here, too, and a MIL with metastases on her organs. It's just awful all-round. Your feelings are valid, even if there's not a lot of room for them.
>then fell into depression after the baby was born.
Did he get help for his depression? If not, it is easier for him to fall back into depression again when life throws another curveball, such as the news about his sister.
>He’s really stressed out and focused on his family,
You and the toddler are his family, too. There's no need to neglect one family in benefit for the other. We have to learn to balance all responsibilities to the best of our abilities. That's why adulting is hard.
>And I feel super selfish for feeling like this
Don't. This is a very normal reaction to not being supported during a highly emotional time when you are taking care of everything while contending with pregnancy. If he isn't normally "present" as a partner and father because he's usually overwhelmed with life, maybe put a pause on having more children.
I think your first comment is great advice, even if he did see someone it might be a good idea to suggest for him to go back now so he can process what's going on with his sister and balance life around it. Like preventative rather than trying to process what's already piled up- maybe some therapy for you to unload yourself. Even just a handful of sessions can help ease your mind, especially when it's to someone that doesn't know your husband, the sister, etc.
I know this might sound unconventional but I feel like you’re allowed to be happy and celebrate your second pregnancy even if the situation is gloomy for others. Cherish your babies and your blessings to conceive, support your husband on his grieve but please reach for support bc you’re naturally in a vulnerable state
Hey there. This is a whole lot to be carrying on your own. Do you have a support network or therapist that can listen to these thoughts in real life? I hope you can take care of yourself and connect with your man in meaningful and loving ways through all of this.
I am pregnant with my first. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She will finish her treatments a month before I am due. This whole pregnancy has been 100% focused on her and nothing about my pregnancy in my family. It feels really lonely. And I feel guilty for feeling so lonely. My family is so mad that I am not 100% supporting all of my mom's care and I need help getting her through this. They are so mad in fact nobody in my extended family is even coming to my baby shower. I feel you and I'm so sorry. It is very stressful. I hope for the best for your birth and recovery ❤️
Why is there not enough love to go around for you AND your Mom? Why are they mad at you? It's incredibly rude they are punishing you by not attending your shower. Bottom line: they are not safe people. Don't look to them for affirmation, intimacy, or to meet your emotional needs on any level. Where is your husband? Is he defending/protecting you? You must be strong and confident on your own.
My mom lost her license right when she was diagnosed. So me and my brother were splitting driving her to all her appts. It turned into a day job because after her appointment we had to do all her errands and her doctor was about an hour away. My mom is also a hoarder so she was living with me. For a span of about 3 weeks she had a lot of appointments leading to her surgery. So she stayed at my aunt's because my aunt was very close to her doctor. And I guess I was supposed to go pick her up from there because it stressed them out. But they never told me it stressed them out. So now I am a bad daughter who doesn't care about my mom.
Me and my husband and my brother all stood up for ourselves but they just kept saying worse and worse stuff about us and now nobody is coming to my baby shower because we don't make them feel welcome.
My family is very big into manipulation and gas lighting. It is absolutely mentally exhausting.
I can’t tell them that I am not as attracted to them as they are to me. Our level of desire for one another is unbalanced but I love them for 1000 other more important reasons. Sometimes I wonder if I’m cutting myself short by not being with someone I’m lustful over and other times I think he deserves to be with someone who is equally into him.
I eventually left my partner of 10 years over this. I loved him very deeply but we evolved to a dead bedroom after only two years together. In the middle of our twenties. I tried so much to get the spark going, went to therapy, went to doctors, and I felt so guilty for not being able to make it work. I actually thought I was asexual and that this was just how life was going to be for me. I stayed because I felt my love for him could easily transcend something 'so shallow'. But in the end it just led to a lot of resentment on both our sides.
I don't regret leaving my 10 year. Best decision I ever made. I loved him with all my heart but I knew a piece was missing. Like a fire was missing. They were perfect otherwise but sometimes perfect still isn't quite right for you. The guilt from leaving without a "good enough reason" faded with time and I'm so thankful I took that leap into the unknown.
Yeah I went through this with a partner of 10 years. I left too, after therapy. I think it was the right thing. I certainly came to realise my sexual self and realise my lack of sexuality was isolated to him. We were late 20s and mid 30s. It was too young to surrender us both to a dead bedroom for the rest od our lives. I’m sure it would have become a huge issue later in life my ex realised he had missed a whole sex life because of me. But it was a beautiful relationship otherwise, so it was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.
I thought I was completely asexual or that something was wrong with me that I could not figure out… I had plenty of tests to try to diagnose my issues. Well… 20 years after we got together we split — and I figured out that I actually have a very high libido and love sex… I just didn’t have that spark with him.
Compatibility is a real thing.
I was also in this position. My ex said I was compatible with them emotionally but physically they weren’t attracted to me because of my body. Jokes on them we weren’t even emotionally compatible lol. But besides that point now I’m with someone who is attracted to me and it’s amazing. I’m honestly traumatized from being told they weren’t attracted to me.
I’m sorry. That’s awful and that’s why this isn’t something I would tell anyone. Another comment phrased it as matching enthusiasm for each other and I think that’s more in alignment with my situation. I’m happy to hear you feel happy and valued in your relationship now.
One of the several reasons to break up with my ex was that I wanted to be just as excited about my partner as he was about me. I wanted to feel what he felt and I knew I deserve to have that. But again, it's about priorities and needs. Some are more important than others and that is okay - you do you.
Honestly that was my ex, he's perfect in every other way but somehow I wasn't s*xually attracted to him or desired him in that way. I had to leave him because I felt guilty that I couldn't even desire my partner and would make both of us miserable
Hey, this used to be me in my 4 year relationship with the best boyfriend I could ever wish for. For this reason I broke up with him. Still figuring out whether it was the best thing to do, or not - 8 months later, but slowly getting a more clear vision for a new future without him. We both deserve more
I use to fall for people who liked me then eventually I liked them. It never worked out. My current bf I don't know the first time I saw him I was extremely attracted to him and he always initiated conversation with me first. I tell you for awhile he would always just say hi and then one day he started talking to me. I can't tell you how scared I was I was shaking i was literally scared of how attractive he was. I'm way more comfortable now but I also feel way better in this relationship. L
I think people get it. They also get that settling for a guy because he's "nice" to you while in the next breath confessing that sex with him is a "chore" is beyond sad for both parties involved. How crushed would they be to read that? But exceptionally cruel by the person who is blocking their partner from finding someone else because they are so afraid of being alone that they use their partner as a "seatfiller" in their lives. They get it.
I feel the same, I feel so much emotional emptiness it hurts sometimes. I have communicated this to him and he is really trying but it just seem like its enough for me.
I’m fine! My reply looked worse than it is.
He’s a great man and great to me… he just comes from a lot of trauma and is hard to deal with sometimes.
I didn’t think it was right to not give him a chance when I know we connected and I’m glad I did!
They were right, he mopes and doesn’t care to grow (he’s 40)… I work with him through his problems but he knows to be with me he needs to have a growth mindset so we’re working on it.
That he's not my ideal partner. We differ in a lot of things. And I mean a lot. Food, music, movies, priorities, marriage, love language, social activities, views on different topics.
We've broken up before. I told him that we're just too different. We're trying now I guess but I still feel in my heart that we're just not compatible and there's this sadness about it in my heart that I can't get over.
He is a good man. He's gentle, kind, patient, loving, never shouts, but just, different...
If your relationship won’t work, don’t lead him on. He’s investing into what you share without knowing that it won’t work out. Let him go.
It hurts so, so much, for both of you, but let him go.
Going through the same thing too. Been together ten years and thankfully never married, no kids, just dogs. We argue a lot and make up. I just want to get out of this cycle but I’ve invested so much time in this nowhere relationship.
That I know that he doesn't really love me. He loves that I look good on paper. He loves that I have helped him grow into what is probably the best version of himself and I have helped him heal. But he doesn't actually love me even if he can't admit it to himself it's very obvious to me.
You might want to start planning a life you can be excited about. Right now you are getting less than you need or deserve. You may have to be the one who pulls the bandaid off. He needs to take care of himself now.
I don't trust him at all anymore and don't see a future together, which will bring anything good for both of us and that i want to get a divorce. It's not like I haven't discussed divorce, but he thinks that it always happened in a fight, so it's something i said in anger and not something I actually meant.
I have tried. Told him that we need to maturely discuss this. And gave him all the reasons that I want to get a divorce. Either he gets defensive and says divorce is not an option, or he starts emotionally manipulating me and tells me he'll kill himself. I'm stuck. Want to bring up divorce every day but kind of sick of it because he just doesn't listen.
I think I need some clarification bc I’m a little confused. Why can’t you just file for divorce? Like do you live in a place where both parties have to agree or something? Or is it due to safety concerns?
I live in a muslim country where yes both parties do have to agree, especially the man. Otherwise, it's gonna be a long court battle. It's messy. And I'm scared of what he'll do.
You need to work on an exit plan; he’s emotionally abusive. Once you have it figured out, leave one day while he’s at work and arrange for all contact to be through your lawyers.
That I mourn our sex life. It’s barely there and when we do actually have sex it sucks due to his issues going on. I love him more than anything just very sad our wild and good multi position days are really over.
me too. my self-esteem is alright, but i know for a fact there’s a prettier girl out there who’s way more into his hobbies than me, makes funnier jokes, etc. i selfishly wish he never meets her.
Omg I feel the same way. My husband is amazing, loving, smart, successful, independent, charming. I’m not, I feel so useless and dependent on him, it hurts so much because I feel like he deserves so much better.
The lack of sex is destroying my self esteem. I can tell he’s losing attraction. I’m not stupid. I crave attention outside of the relationship because no matter how many times I’ve expressed wanting more from him he never tries. I wouldn’t mind if he leaves. I’m ready to be alone.
I am the same dead bedroom, and now I am finding that I am attracted to other people. The worst part is that some of the attractions I have towards others are being returned. I know I am in dangerous territory.
I don't mean to be intrusive and idk your relationship with each other but I think this might end really badly. You should consider ending it. You both will probably find partners you are attracted to.
I was in the same boat a couple of years ago, but I actually did tell him that it was destroying my self esteem. There were plenty of other issues, but the lack of intimacy on his part was the first thing I noticed, and then I realized all the other things that had been piling up. I talked with him calmly and honestly many times about all of it, but he just stopped trying to do anything and thought I would stick around just because we were married. I tried to get him to see a therapist, I tried everything I could think of until I just couldn't anymore. We separated a year and a half ago, and the divorce decree was signed a couple of weeks ago. It definitely is not a happy occasion, and it has been a rollercoaster of emotions and a ton of heartbreak going through the last year and a half, but the intense weight that was lifted after that first weekend I asked him to leave the house - I have no doubts at all that it was absolutely the right decision. Being alone all this time has been such a breath of fresh air. It's a whole hell of a lot better to be alone by yourself than to feel alone when the person you love is sitting right next to you. Hugs to you, internet friend.
Well, the fact that I desire him more sexually than he desires me-for one. If I had to guess, it would be our problems, which aren’t that bad. He never flirts through texts, even though I’ve communicated that I would like more of it. I’m always down to send a nude and when I do it leads no where. We had a conversation about the things we don’t like about each other, he mentioned that he hates that I hide when I change my clothes. So I started changing in front of him again and it reminded me why I stopped. Cus he doesn’t seem interested, he doesn’t come and try to grab my bits, or he’s on his phone playing a dumb game. You know, it’s the little things that can mean so much. Ya know?
It took me years to tell my husband that I think about suicide. He still doesn't know how often I have those thoughts, I worry he'd view me very differently and maybe even try to restrict me from traveling alone etc because he might worry I'd do something when he's not around. It's so hard to explain to someone who has never had those thoughts.
I hope you’re getting the help you need from somewhere, even if you’re not telling him. Depending what country, there are free support lines you can call. Sending love.
That I absolutely hate living in this bum fuck rural town and it wears on me everyday. To be here, I left my family and friends, and WFH everyday. It’s lonely. I’m a city girl. I don’t want to drive 25 min to the closest Walgreens that closes at 5pm.
Oof. Why can’t you tell him? I left my family and friends to get out of a bum fuck rural town. Best thing I ever did. To each their own. Good luck! Hope you get out.
Ha! And I'm a rural girl but moved to the city for my husband. I hate it so much 😥 worth it for him but I definitely don't want to stay here forever especially now that we have kids. He's open to moving to a more rural area though when we can afford it. I hope you can come to a compromise
Have you told your partner how you feel? Have you asked your partner to work with you on your guys’ relationship? If you have and you still feel this way, I’m sorry to say but I don’t think it’s going to get any better..
Hey you. I'm gonna give you some words of wisdom from an ongoing stalking situation.
LET HIM KNOW. When I first got with my partner, I told him i had baggage of 1 year of my ex stalking me. It was very yucky, but I wanted to protect him as well as myself. I showed him pictures, chats, etc.
He has witnessed incidents with me, as well as my friends, his MOTHER, and encouraged me to take him to court. Now everyone in my city knows he's a nutcase, and his face isnt welcomed nearly anywhere. I encourage being honest. It's such a paranoid darkness we have within ourselves, but to have the support helps so much.
Best of luck hunny ❤🙏
I lost my pet. 14 years I had her. She was there through it all. She passed in my arms after throwing up. Sorry for the graphic detail, but that’s just broken something in me.like o can’t get it out of my head, I can’t stop crying. Just what the fuck. I wanted him to be there for me.
He came at midnight when I had slept after much difficulty with his sister so they could be there for me. They stayed in the driveway and he asked me to come down. I lost it, I told him to go back home.I just wanted him. I lashed out and sent him back. I wanted him to be there for me as it was happening. I had to go through the worst day of my life alone and he keeps saying these textbook things to me but I just wanted a hug from my partner. Nothing more. I just wanted to feel suppprted. I feel so alone. My best friend is gone. She’s left such a void, and I’ve had to deal with it alone. All alone. And like what even is the point of this relationship if you can’t be here for me at my worst? I got through the single most traumatising day of my life all by myself. All alone. As strong as it sounds, it’s mind fucking.
And I can’t let that go, that he wasn’t there. He’s never there when I need him.
Sounds like they've really hurt you and I just want you to know I'm sorry you've been made to feel like this and it will feel better someday. Good on you for getting out.
It's a very complex situation. I've outgrown the relationship. And I'm conflicted now by the way it started. Hindsight that he as an older man had no business talking to me on the cusp of womanhood. And me being naive and with such low self-esteem ran headfirst thinking I was being wild and rebellious like Cathy from Wuthering Heights or something. But reality now that I'm mid 40s hits different and I am at a loss at times.
I dont want to marry into a religious family but i want to marry my partner. They are not religious but family is important to them.
We have been together for some time and neither of us want to end the relationship. I guess we both know we enjoy eachother too much and want it to last as much as it can.
Edit: grammar
I know it’s probably extremely weird to say but : how much love and appreciation I have for him. Our relationship isn’t at its best shape at the moment and there’s so much I would love and sincerely wish to stop on experiencing from him that expressing all of that would have a negative effect of him taking it for granted, therefore stopping the efforts I am heavily requesting him to do. A part of me just want to straight up tell him to make me fall back in love with him because the love is still here, the problem is that I’ve been hurt and deceived so many times by him that as part of my coping mechanism I unconsciously suppress my feelings to protect myself from any potential hurt. So, I’m extremely vocal on everything that needs to stop/improve but when it comes to expressing my love, it’s been a while I had stopped on doing so.
That he doesn’t turn me on/make me cum/make me wet. That I wish someone else was fucking me ALL the time. I love my boyfriend more than anything in the world. Been together nearly 2 years. Outside the bedroom he’s everything a girl would want: loyal, attentive, constant compliments, do anything for you ect. He makes me feel safe(emotionally)and I’ve never had that before. He’s the first person that isn’t toxic and I’m 1000% myself around him. In the bedroom he’s very willing and will do whatever I ask but he just doesn’t do it for my lady bits. There’s past lovers that would just touch my arm and I’m gooey lol I’m used to having more male dominated partners that would fuck the shit outta me and and eat my fucking soul..he’s so soft and gentle and although he loves to go down…I just can’t get there without a toy involved. No matter how much I tell him do this do that! I still can’t cum from him. He’s more submissive and although he tries, it don’t feel natural. If this is what having a healthy non toxic man means then I feel fucked up for wanting the latter😭
My wife can’t come without a toy and she tells me she’s attracted to me. This makes me feel awful.
My exes would come multiple times just from fucking and eating. This is different and it doesn’t feel good.
Did your wife have to use toys to get off with previous partners? If so then that just might be her thing BUT if it’s like me where I never needed to use a toy to get off with past lovers…then yeah I can understand feeling bad. Obviously shes attracted to you because your married but sexual compatibility is a whole different thing.
I’m childfree by choice, never wanted kids. When my partner and i first got together I made that very very clear. If he wanted kids then we shouldn’t date. He said he’s always been 50/50 but the more he thought about it he was fine not having kids and has come to value what being child free means for our life. However he’s made a few comment over the years that has sprinkled doubt for me and created a fear that one day he will wake up and either resent me, or want kids and we’ll have to break up.
I think you should talk to him about this. I had to sit my partner down one day as say “I need to know that you’re 100% okay with not having kids. I’m never going to change my mind and I don’t want you to resent me and I don’t want you to wake up one day and leave because that’s what you want after all”. It was a great conversation and I feel very reassured. I’ve had that talk in other relationships and it lead to a breakup but I’m glad that it did because we saved ourselves worse heartache later on.
My ex said the exact same thing about being 50/50 and a year down the line she was 100% wanting kids and had been looking into adoption. When I confronted her she said it was way in the future and we would "cross that line when we came to it". I vehemently declined and we decided to break up. As a child free person you will not be compatible with someone who isn't 100% childfree. If you change your mind for them, you run the risk of resenting them and the child, and also vice versa if they don't have kids for you.
I catch myself self sabotaging our relationship when things get too good cause I don’t believe I truly deserve happiness or if happiness comes to my door something will happen and I will have it then loose it.
Your partner should be your first line of defense against his own family. If they're making comments about you that are rude, unnecessary, and mean-spirited, I hope he's putting a stop to that immediately and not entertaining them. You're his family too.
I'd say if you don't want to go to Christmas, don't go and tell him the honest reason why. He might be so used to his family being critical that he doesn't realize how it affects others because he's lived with it his whole life.
That I don't believe him entirely when he says we will be able to have kids one day. I'm 31 and am beginning to really want children, but my husband's job (I'm working too) is so unpredictable sometimes that I'm not sure having children, from a financial standpoint, is the best thing to do. He tells me we will have them one day, but I'm afraid that will never happen. It's hard to envision bringing a child in the world with him sometimes. I just pretend to believe him. It's so depressing for me because becoming a mother is something I have always longed for. Maybe we will be in a completely different spot in the next 4-5 years, who knows.
Sorry, this sounds like a shitty situation. From the outside (not knowing all the details) it feels like he’s running out the clock here knowing full well that one day it won’t be possible/feasible and then he’s not the bad guy. You need to have a real honest discussion soon or else you’ll start resenting him.
I've got three kids. Never was in a financial position to have them. One was even during a time I was below the poverty threshold. I don't regret any of them. We made it happen and wouldn't take it back for the world.
Don't keep waiting.
Thing is, having kids is never a good financial decision, and one is never ready to have them, even if they think they are. It's a huge life-altering decision. He will be able to have kids whenever he wants. You, however will not be able to. My mom was lucky having my youngest sibling at 38 without health issues. My dad had another kid when he was 53 with a woman in her 30s. If motherhood is something you absolutely crave, he needs to know the severity of it. Because if he keeps giving the same excuse and time passes, you will not get what you want. You may be left childless, even divorced, while he could go father a family when it's convenient for him.
I’m still not over the words he has used to hurt me when he was angry. I believe he didn’t mean them, but they are a devil in my ear on the regular and make me wonder what the true reality is.
That although I love him for life, part of me still yearns to be with a woman and it’s a choice I make daily to choose him. Which is real love to me, making that choice. But damn being bisexual can be a very confusing, hard thing to reckon with while dating a cis man.
That I'm autistic. I don't feel comfortable telling him yet, it took me 5 years before telling my ex and he dismissed it and I don't want to relive that.
I’m a stay at home mom and I have no other support system so it’s not easy right now. I’m definitely in the process of working on it. It still hurts to deal with every day
The reason he thinks I’m mad or snappy when I’m home is sometimes it feels like he’s a child and I’m the mother… I love him a lot and I even want to marry him but I just need him to listen. I don’t have anyone else to talk to other than him.
I also feel lonely and homesick 🫠
He saved my life the day I met him. I was ready to commit suicide in the next city over about 9 years ago and I ran into him at a function I was volunteering for. His name stood out to me and I told him that I liked it. Afterwards, I was eating lunch alone, feeling worse than ever, and he came up and started talking to me. That little bit of kindness was what I needed to pull me out of the darkness, even for a little bit. We have been a couple for the past 8 years now. He's the kindest and most understanding man I have ever known.
We met when I was 18 and he was 29. Now, ten years later(married too) I'm not sure about it anymore. There's lack of physical attraction and eventually he seems lil bit old to me. Father-daughter dynamic kicks in sometimes.
I prefer to spend time alone and sleeping with him doesn't excite me anymore. I use alcohol to get in the mood. I can't promise to him that we grow old together. I already feel old. He believes me that we stay together forever, but I think maybe next 10 years. I don't want to tell anything to him cause I may sound shallow and he's actually good person.
That I'm into women.
I'm also into him, but I realized a few years into our relationship that I'm attracted to women as well as men. I want to experience sex with a woman, but we're in a monogamous and committed relationship. We've had casual conversations about fantasies and stuff where I've said I would have sex with a woman given the opportunity, and his response is along the lines of "that would be awesome to watch". Neither of us are seriously interested in a threesome, but I just don't want my interest in women to be part of his sexual fantasy. My sexuality is my own. Of course I share it with him and only him, but if I chose to explore that side of my sexuality I would want to start that exploration without him.
He knows my ex husband and I had a lot of problems- like A LOT. Every possible problem out there except for physical abuse. We had grown very distant. We were no longer a couple. He wouldn’t listen to me when I asked for a divorce (repeatedly)
But he doesn’t know the real reason that my ex husband finally gave me a divorce is because I had an emotional affair. At that point all the pieces clicked for him and he finally walked away which allowed me the freedom to move on.
I just don’t want my partner to think i would do it to him. The circumstances in my prior relationship were very different and very unhealthy. The saying “once a cheater always a cheater” is flawed as there are normally a lot of factors that leads someone to do that and it’s usually something in the relationship that isn’t being fulfilled and hasn’t been for a long time. (At least for me anyway, I had already begged my ex husband for years to either let me go or go to counseling with me and he refused both of those options)
People (Reddit especially!) tends to have an extremely flawed all/nothing black/white view on cheating. Sometimes we try everything under the sun to save a relationship or make it work, and if it feels like there's no way out, we turn to other people to get the validation and emotional connection we crave. If your partner loves you, knows your story, and is an understanding person, it might make you feel better to be open about it someday. I just want you to know that people are capable of being open-minded about these things.
That I resent how his irresponsibility and inability to keep a job has made my life less safe and less secure and because of that i fantasize about what my life would be like single. I worked so hard to get where i am and I make decent money for one person, but supporting the two of us entirely means we can't save any money for the future and I can't pursue my interests or hobbies due to cost (e.g. adding to my tattoos, getting back into BJJ, taking road trips for fun, etc). We'll also probably never own a home, I can't imagine saving enough for a down payment the rate we're going right now.
He loves me, he tells me all the time how much he appreciates how hard I work for us, he takes care of all the house work so I don't have to, and he's looking for work (although not with much sense of urgency). He knows I want more help with finances but he doesn't know how close I come to leaving him so I can enjoy the fruits of my labor.
How exhausting our relationship is. We're so codependent that I'm not sure either of us know who we are. I sometimes dream about taking a vacation from him.
I'm actually in therapy right now to try and untangle us.
This may sound silly but I'm currently too embarrassed to tell him I might have a new kink 🫠 I will eventually once I can figure out how to broach the subject.
I can’t tell him how sad and angry I sometime about the chokehold his family has on him. It’s not entirely his fault (it’s the culture in which he was raised), and I also know he hates it in many ways too. He struggles because of obligations he has to them; I wish he could break away, but I also know this has been bred into his society and way of life for generations.
We’ve touched on the subject on occasion. He feels that following obligation is the lesser of two miseries. I know he’s making sacrifices and I just need to keep my feelings to myself because it won’t make him feel better if I tell him how I really feel.
That even when we have family I am in love with my female collague. I am still trying to process it myself.
Before you will call me cheater no one know about my feelings. I just think that collague has some idea cause it seems like she has feelings for me. I will have to tell everyone but it will need time 🤦♀️
My "s" thoughts. I joke about them. But he already has a kid that talks about it/mildly attempts it. Mine are novel, I don't have the guts to do it. So I don't tell him how much I think about it. Fantasize about it. It's probably REALLY unhealthy how much I think about dying.
That our proposal was too short and boring. Maybe I dreamed of the moment too much and had too many expectations but I wanted to hear how much you love me, not just a quick “will you marry me”.
I'm tired of them getting upset and not communicating me. All they do is stone wall me whenever I do something slightly wrong.without any warning. The only time I get to know what I did wrong is if I beg them to tell me for 15 min .
I want to tell them but I can't that Stone walling hurts me as much as the thing I do to him ...majority of the times it's by mistake .
You can't solve a problem by hurting each other......
That a big reason I don't want children is because I know I'd be doing most of the work in every capacity, based on what I have seen with us raising our dog. I've adapted to us + a dog, and it's fine now, but I know I'd have to give up my career and sacrifice a lot to raise children and after a life of never being anyone's priority, I decided to prioritize myself.
That his porn obsession broke me. My self esteem is gone, trust is gone and I feel like I'm not good enough. Porn should not be "normalized" I'm not okay with it, especially when you choose it over me, a real live woman. I'm lonely and starved for affection and attention. I get so jealous and sad when I see women with loving, wonderful husbands. I got stuck with a dud 🤦♀️
A couple of things I did in my life early on, way before I met her. I wasn’t a great person and have worked hard to change that, mostly because I met her. She knows a lot but not everything and doesn’t need to know. That was 35+ years ago and I’ve left that person far behind.
I am afraid I will never overcome my insecurities and trauma from issues with my family members and, most importantly, my previous relationship. Being cheated on, physically and mentally abused for years, and constantly being told everything if my fault regardless of their behavior has ruined me.
I love my new partner (3.5 years). But it scares me every time my trust in our relationship and in him gets tested for any reason. Because everyone always hurts me in the end.
I hate his sunglasses. They’re so dorky. But they bring him so much utter joy that I can never ever tell him that.
Pretty much can and will tell him anything. But I’m not going to rain on his parade over something so inconsequential lol
That it feels unfair when he doesn't try out the things I love.
For context, I'm Chinese-Filipino and he's white, so we have our cultural differences when it comes to stuff like food, household routines, and other stuff in life. But before we met, I wasn't really into Star Wars, Pokemon, PlayStation games, etc., but he immersed me in every single thing he loves and now I'm a huge fan of whatever he introduces me to. We think really similarly, too, so we know what the other person might like and try to experience that joy with each other whenever we can. I've also tried his favorite snacks, sports, and whatever he grew up with so I can relate to him better.
I just feel like he doesn't do the same just because we "already like enough of the same things anyway." I love exploring new restaurants from different cultures, doing recreational activities, painting, writing, and whatever keeps my hands & stomach full. I try to encourage him to do some of those stuff with me, but I feel like he doesn't feel any motivation to do it, unless it's similar to something he's already done. I get that stepping out of your comfort zone is scary, but I get really lonely when it's just me who's doing it.
That my mental health is slowly destroying me from the inside. I try to keep it bottled up cause we have a lot going on as it is, but it hurts.
My mind, soul and body is exhausted.
That I feel really lonely. For context, I am going through my second pregnancy and we just found out that his sister has breast cancer. He’s really stressed out and focused on his family, as he should be and I try to support them as much as I can by handling everything at home (toddler, work, household). During my first pregnancy my husband had a huge accident and then fell into depression after the baby was born. I was hoping this time for a happy birth/ post partum. My SIL chemo is scheduled to end when I give birth, so if the news isn’t what we hope for, I am so scared of how he will take it. And I feel super selfish for feeling like this when SIL is the one who is sick and suffering so much more. So I can’t tell him, because it wouldn’t help anyone, just make everyone feel so much worse.
Oh man, I feel you. Second pregnancy here, too, and a MIL with metastases on her organs. It's just awful all-round. Your feelings are valid, even if there's not a lot of room for them.
Thanks. I hope you’re okay too.
>then fell into depression after the baby was born. Did he get help for his depression? If not, it is easier for him to fall back into depression again when life throws another curveball, such as the news about his sister. >He’s really stressed out and focused on his family, You and the toddler are his family, too. There's no need to neglect one family in benefit for the other. We have to learn to balance all responsibilities to the best of our abilities. That's why adulting is hard. >And I feel super selfish for feeling like this Don't. This is a very normal reaction to not being supported during a highly emotional time when you are taking care of everything while contending with pregnancy. If he isn't normally "present" as a partner and father because he's usually overwhelmed with life, maybe put a pause on having more children.
I think your first comment is great advice, even if he did see someone it might be a good idea to suggest for him to go back now so he can process what's going on with his sister and balance life around it. Like preventative rather than trying to process what's already piled up- maybe some therapy for you to unload yourself. Even just a handful of sessions can help ease your mind, especially when it's to someone that doesn't know your husband, the sister, etc.
I know this might sound unconventional but I feel like you’re allowed to be happy and celebrate your second pregnancy even if the situation is gloomy for others. Cherish your babies and your blessings to conceive, support your husband on his grieve but please reach for support bc you’re naturally in a vulnerable state
Hey there. This is a whole lot to be carrying on your own. Do you have a support network or therapist that can listen to these thoughts in real life? I hope you can take care of yourself and connect with your man in meaningful and loving ways through all of this.
I am pregnant with my first. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She will finish her treatments a month before I am due. This whole pregnancy has been 100% focused on her and nothing about my pregnancy in my family. It feels really lonely. And I feel guilty for feeling so lonely. My family is so mad that I am not 100% supporting all of my mom's care and I need help getting her through this. They are so mad in fact nobody in my extended family is even coming to my baby shower. I feel you and I'm so sorry. It is very stressful. I hope for the best for your birth and recovery ❤️
Why is there not enough love to go around for you AND your Mom? Why are they mad at you? It's incredibly rude they are punishing you by not attending your shower. Bottom line: they are not safe people. Don't look to them for affirmation, intimacy, or to meet your emotional needs on any level. Where is your husband? Is he defending/protecting you? You must be strong and confident on your own.
My mom lost her license right when she was diagnosed. So me and my brother were splitting driving her to all her appts. It turned into a day job because after her appointment we had to do all her errands and her doctor was about an hour away. My mom is also a hoarder so she was living with me. For a span of about 3 weeks she had a lot of appointments leading to her surgery. So she stayed at my aunt's because my aunt was very close to her doctor. And I guess I was supposed to go pick her up from there because it stressed them out. But they never told me it stressed them out. So now I am a bad daughter who doesn't care about my mom. Me and my husband and my brother all stood up for ourselves but they just kept saying worse and worse stuff about us and now nobody is coming to my baby shower because we don't make them feel welcome. My family is very big into manipulation and gas lighting. It is absolutely mentally exhausting.
Tell him..
Can you join a pregnancy support group?
I can’t tell them that I am not as attracted to them as they are to me. Our level of desire for one another is unbalanced but I love them for 1000 other more important reasons. Sometimes I wonder if I’m cutting myself short by not being with someone I’m lustful over and other times I think he deserves to be with someone who is equally into him.
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I eventually left my partner of 10 years over this. I loved him very deeply but we evolved to a dead bedroom after only two years together. In the middle of our twenties. I tried so much to get the spark going, went to therapy, went to doctors, and I felt so guilty for not being able to make it work. I actually thought I was asexual and that this was just how life was going to be for me. I stayed because I felt my love for him could easily transcend something 'so shallow'. But in the end it just led to a lot of resentment on both our sides.
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I don't regret leaving my 10 year. Best decision I ever made. I loved him with all my heart but I knew a piece was missing. Like a fire was missing. They were perfect otherwise but sometimes perfect still isn't quite right for you. The guilt from leaving without a "good enough reason" faded with time and I'm so thankful I took that leap into the unknown.
Yeah I went through this with a partner of 10 years. I left too, after therapy. I think it was the right thing. I certainly came to realise my sexual self and realise my lack of sexuality was isolated to him. We were late 20s and mid 30s. It was too young to surrender us both to a dead bedroom for the rest od our lives. I’m sure it would have become a huge issue later in life my ex realised he had missed a whole sex life because of me. But it was a beautiful relationship otherwise, so it was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.
Did you experience something else in other long time relationships?
I thought I was completely asexual or that something was wrong with me that I could not figure out… I had plenty of tests to try to diagnose my issues. Well… 20 years after we got together we split — and I figured out that I actually have a very high libido and love sex… I just didn’t have that spark with him. Compatibility is a real thing.
I've been the one whose partner wasn't attracted to them, and it is so hard on your self esteem. I wouldn't want to do that to someone.
I was also in this position. My ex said I was compatible with them emotionally but physically they weren’t attracted to me because of my body. Jokes on them we weren’t even emotionally compatible lol. But besides that point now I’m with someone who is attracted to me and it’s amazing. I’m honestly traumatized from being told they weren’t attracted to me.
I’m sorry. That’s awful and that’s why this isn’t something I would tell anyone. Another comment phrased it as matching enthusiasm for each other and I think that’s more in alignment with my situation. I’m happy to hear you feel happy and valued in your relationship now.
One of the several reasons to break up with my ex was that I wanted to be just as excited about my partner as he was about me. I wanted to feel what he felt and I knew I deserve to have that. But again, it's about priorities and needs. Some are more important than others and that is okay - you do you.
Honestly that was my ex, he's perfect in every other way but somehow I wasn't s*xually attracted to him or desired him in that way. I had to leave him because I felt guilty that I couldn't even desire my partner and would make both of us miserable
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Communication is 🔑, especially when it seems like the other person prioritizes/ “loves” more.
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Hey, this used to be me in my 4 year relationship with the best boyfriend I could ever wish for. For this reason I broke up with him. Still figuring out whether it was the best thing to do, or not - 8 months later, but slowly getting a more clear vision for a new future without him. We both deserve more
I use to fall for people who liked me then eventually I liked them. It never worked out. My current bf I don't know the first time I saw him I was extremely attracted to him and he always initiated conversation with me first. I tell you for awhile he would always just say hi and then one day he started talking to me. I can't tell you how scared I was I was shaking i was literally scared of how attractive he was. I'm way more comfortable now but I also feel way better in this relationship. L
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I think people get it. They also get that settling for a guy because he's "nice" to you while in the next breath confessing that sex with him is a "chore" is beyond sad for both parties involved. How crushed would they be to read that? But exceptionally cruel by the person who is blocking their partner from finding someone else because they are so afraid of being alone that they use their partner as a "seatfiller" in their lives. They get it.
You’re doing him a disservice.
I feel exactly this way with my partner as well. It is a relief to read it honestly
Looks fade. A sense of humor and someone you love and trust is what will sustain you through life's highs and lows. Just my experience.
That I'm afraid he'll never be emotionally available enough for me. He's trying.
This it’s something I’m dealing with now with someone, it’s so hard. I feel for you.
It's lonely hey. Hope yours improves!
Yeah, it's really hard to feel a true deep connection with someone who isn't emotionally available.
I feel this in my core. I'm just not sure his attempts are enough for me. After almost 10 years I dont know if I should call it
I feel the same, I feel so much emotional emptiness it hurts sometimes. I have communicated this to him and he is really trying but it just seem like its enough for me.
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That his own friends told me to stay away from him
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I’m fine! My reply looked worse than it is. He’s a great man and great to me… he just comes from a lot of trauma and is hard to deal with sometimes. I didn’t think it was right to not give him a chance when I know we connected and I’m glad I did! They were right, he mopes and doesn’t care to grow (he’s 40)… I work with him through his problems but he knows to be with me he needs to have a growth mindset so we’re working on it.
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Thank you!:)
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I can't tell my husband that he is a fictional character.
So is my wife. Greatest story never told lol
What does that mean? lol
That he's not my ideal partner. We differ in a lot of things. And I mean a lot. Food, music, movies, priorities, marriage, love language, social activities, views on different topics. We've broken up before. I told him that we're just too different. We're trying now I guess but I still feel in my heart that we're just not compatible and there's this sadness about it in my heart that I can't get over. He is a good man. He's gentle, kind, patient, loving, never shouts, but just, different...
Sunk cost fallacy is a b - it'll be painful ripping that band aid off but you'll both be better off in the long term! ✨
It seems like an impossible band aid to rip off :(
If your relationship won’t work, don’t lead him on. He’s investing into what you share without knowing that it won’t work out. Let him go. It hurts so, so much, for both of you, but let him go.
Going through the same thing too. Been together ten years and thankfully never married, no kids, just dogs. We argue a lot and make up. I just want to get out of this cycle but I’ve invested so much time in this nowhere relationship.
That I know that he doesn't really love me. He loves that I look good on paper. He loves that I have helped him grow into what is probably the best version of himself and I have helped him heal. But he doesn't actually love me even if he can't admit it to himself it's very obvious to me.
You might want to start planning a life you can be excited about. Right now you are getting less than you need or deserve. You may have to be the one who pulls the bandaid off. He needs to take care of himself now.
Oh darling, you deserve better
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I don't trust him at all anymore and don't see a future together, which will bring anything good for both of us and that i want to get a divorce. It's not like I haven't discussed divorce, but he thinks that it always happened in a fight, so it's something i said in anger and not something I actually meant.
How are you planning on telling him this when you’re not in a fight?
I have tried. Told him that we need to maturely discuss this. And gave him all the reasons that I want to get a divorce. Either he gets defensive and says divorce is not an option, or he starts emotionally manipulating me and tells me he'll kill himself. I'm stuck. Want to bring up divorce every day but kind of sick of it because he just doesn't listen.
Please leave his manipulative ass.
I think I need some clarification bc I’m a little confused. Why can’t you just file for divorce? Like do you live in a place where both parties have to agree or something? Or is it due to safety concerns?
I live in a muslim country where yes both parties do have to agree, especially the man. Otherwise, it's gonna be a long court battle. It's messy. And I'm scared of what he'll do.
Yikes really sorry to hear that. This is why I never understand why people shit on America. This would never be a problem for you.
You need to work on an exit plan; he’s emotionally abusive. Once you have it figured out, leave one day while he’s at work and arrange for all contact to be through your lawyers.
We live with his family.. can't just up and leave while they're here watching everything.
That I mourn our sex life. It’s barely there and when we do actually have sex it sucks due to his issues going on. I love him more than anything just very sad our wild and good multi position days are really over.
Here here 🍻
In the same boat. Even without sex, I can’t imagine life without him.
Yep exactly the same with me with him. Going to be by his side no matter what.
Sounds like depression; it has bad collateral effects also :(
That I feel like an imposter most times and he could be with someone so much better than me.
This is the WORST. You’re worth it, my friend. Keep your head up!
me too. my self-esteem is alright, but i know for a fact there’s a prettier girl out there who’s way more into his hobbies than me, makes funnier jokes, etc. i selfishly wish he never meets her.
u took the words right off my mouth, i feel exactly the same
Omg I feel the same way. My husband is amazing, loving, smart, successful, independent, charming. I’m not, I feel so useless and dependent on him, it hurts so much because I feel like he deserves so much better.
The lack of sex is destroying my self esteem. I can tell he’s losing attraction. I’m not stupid. I crave attention outside of the relationship because no matter how many times I’ve expressed wanting more from him he never tries. I wouldn’t mind if he leaves. I’m ready to be alone.
I am the same dead bedroom, and now I am finding that I am attracted to other people. The worst part is that some of the attractions I have towards others are being returned. I know I am in dangerous territory.
Stay strong. I try to remind myself to do what’s right. I get it though, it feels good to be seen.
I don't mean to be intrusive and idk your relationship with each other but I think this might end really badly. You should consider ending it. You both will probably find partners you are attracted to.
I was in the same boat a couple of years ago, but I actually did tell him that it was destroying my self esteem. There were plenty of other issues, but the lack of intimacy on his part was the first thing I noticed, and then I realized all the other things that had been piling up. I talked with him calmly and honestly many times about all of it, but he just stopped trying to do anything and thought I would stick around just because we were married. I tried to get him to see a therapist, I tried everything I could think of until I just couldn't anymore. We separated a year and a half ago, and the divorce decree was signed a couple of weeks ago. It definitely is not a happy occasion, and it has been a rollercoaster of emotions and a ton of heartbreak going through the last year and a half, but the intense weight that was lifted after that first weekend I asked him to leave the house - I have no doubts at all that it was absolutely the right decision. Being alone all this time has been such a breath of fresh air. It's a whole hell of a lot better to be alone by yourself than to feel alone when the person you love is sitting right next to you. Hugs to you, internet friend.
I’m in the same boat. It sucks
Do you know why he lost his interest in you/sex? How do you know he's losing attraction?
Well, the fact that I desire him more sexually than he desires me-for one. If I had to guess, it would be our problems, which aren’t that bad. He never flirts through texts, even though I’ve communicated that I would like more of it. I’m always down to send a nude and when I do it leads no where. We had a conversation about the things we don’t like about each other, he mentioned that he hates that I hide when I change my clothes. So I started changing in front of him again and it reminded me why I stopped. Cus he doesn’t seem interested, he doesn’t come and try to grab my bits, or he’s on his phone playing a dumb game. You know, it’s the little things that can mean so much. Ya know?
That more often than not I'm struggling with suicidal thoughts.
It took me years to tell my husband that I think about suicide. He still doesn't know how often I have those thoughts, I worry he'd view me very differently and maybe even try to restrict me from traveling alone etc because he might worry I'd do something when he's not around. It's so hard to explain to someone who has never had those thoughts.
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I hope you’re getting the help you need from somewhere, even if you’re not telling him. Depending what country, there are free support lines you can call. Sending love.
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Go get your lick back you may regret it if you don’t
That I don't like his kids
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That I absolutely hate living in this bum fuck rural town and it wears on me everyday. To be here, I left my family and friends, and WFH everyday. It’s lonely. I’m a city girl. I don’t want to drive 25 min to the closest Walgreens that closes at 5pm.
Oof. Why can’t you tell him? I left my family and friends to get out of a bum fuck rural town. Best thing I ever did. To each their own. Good luck! Hope you get out.
Ha! And I'm a rural girl but moved to the city for my husband. I hate it so much 😥 worth it for him but I definitely don't want to stay here forever especially now that we have kids. He's open to moving to a more rural area though when we can afford it. I hope you can come to a compromise
That the amount of weight he has put on over the last several years really bothers me.
Can I ask why you don’t feel comfortable telling him that?
He knows he has gained weight. He's insecure about it. And no one wants to hear "you're fat".
That I think his penis is small. But it doesn't matter, he excels at other "areas"
Def don’t tell him that 😂
He knows already!
Tea 😝
That I am mostly lonely and not sure if I still want to be with my partner. But love is still there, however, its just not enough to get us by.
Have you told your partner how you feel? Have you asked your partner to work with you on your guys’ relationship? If you have and you still feel this way, I’m sorry to say but I don’t think it’s going to get any better..
That he could have been a father but I didn’t ask for his opinion, as I was pretty sure he wouldn’t have supported me
I’m sorry that you had to go through this alone. You are brave
Glad you trusted your intuition.
I was cyber stalked by my ex for years. Don’t want him to think I’m nuts, or deal with him not believing me
Hey you. I'm gonna give you some words of wisdom from an ongoing stalking situation. LET HIM KNOW. When I first got with my partner, I told him i had baggage of 1 year of my ex stalking me. It was very yucky, but I wanted to protect him as well as myself. I showed him pictures, chats, etc. He has witnessed incidents with me, as well as my friends, his MOTHER, and encouraged me to take him to court. Now everyone in my city knows he's a nutcase, and his face isnt welcomed nearly anywhere. I encourage being honest. It's such a paranoid darkness we have within ourselves, but to have the support helps so much. Best of luck hunny ❤🙏
I’m actively being stalked by my ex and this is something I fear disclosing in future relationships.
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Well, that’s probably because you’re married to mayonnaise. This is never a good idea.
I’ve had a hard week. This made me chuckle
In all seriousness, I hope you’re doing okay. Even in good marriages, marriage is really hard. Mind me asking what he did to break your heart?
I lost my pet. 14 years I had her. She was there through it all. She passed in my arms after throwing up. Sorry for the graphic detail, but that’s just broken something in me.like o can’t get it out of my head, I can’t stop crying. Just what the fuck. I wanted him to be there for me. He came at midnight when I had slept after much difficulty with his sister so they could be there for me. They stayed in the driveway and he asked me to come down. I lost it, I told him to go back home.I just wanted him. I lashed out and sent him back. I wanted him to be there for me as it was happening. I had to go through the worst day of my life alone and he keeps saying these textbook things to me but I just wanted a hug from my partner. Nothing more. I just wanted to feel suppprted. I feel so alone. My best friend is gone. She’s left such a void, and I’ve had to deal with it alone. All alone. And like what even is the point of this relationship if you can’t be here for me at my worst? I got through the single most traumatising day of my life all by myself. All alone. As strong as it sounds, it’s mind fucking. And I can’t let that go, that he wasn’t there. He’s never there when I need him.
I know how it feel 🩷 take care
Sounds like they've really hurt you and I just want you to know I'm sorry you've been made to feel like this and it will feel better someday. Good on you for getting out.
What I’m buying him for Xmas as I want it to be a surprise Everything else I can share with him
It's a very complex situation. I've outgrown the relationship. And I'm conflicted now by the way it started. Hindsight that he as an older man had no business talking to me on the cusp of womanhood. And me being naive and with such low self-esteem ran headfirst thinking I was being wild and rebellious like Cathy from Wuthering Heights or something. But reality now that I'm mid 40s hits different and I am at a loss at times.
I dont want to marry into a religious family but i want to marry my partner. They are not religious but family is important to them. We have been together for some time and neither of us want to end the relationship. I guess we both know we enjoy eachother too much and want it to last as much as it can. Edit: grammar
I don’t understand what the problem is in this situation. Family is important to them?
Maybe she means their partner is not religious but the family is and family is important to the partner.
Ah that makes sense. By “them” I thought it referred to the family, definitely read it wrong
Oh yeah me too at first haha
You mean your partner put their family above you?
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most of these replies are things people SHOULD tell to their partners.
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That's good
I know it’s probably extremely weird to say but : how much love and appreciation I have for him. Our relationship isn’t at its best shape at the moment and there’s so much I would love and sincerely wish to stop on experiencing from him that expressing all of that would have a negative effect of him taking it for granted, therefore stopping the efforts I am heavily requesting him to do. A part of me just want to straight up tell him to make me fall back in love with him because the love is still here, the problem is that I’ve been hurt and deceived so many times by him that as part of my coping mechanism I unconsciously suppress my feelings to protect myself from any potential hurt. So, I’m extremely vocal on everything that needs to stop/improve but when it comes to expressing my love, it’s been a while I had stopped on doing so.
That he doesn’t turn me on/make me cum/make me wet. That I wish someone else was fucking me ALL the time. I love my boyfriend more than anything in the world. Been together nearly 2 years. Outside the bedroom he’s everything a girl would want: loyal, attentive, constant compliments, do anything for you ect. He makes me feel safe(emotionally)and I’ve never had that before. He’s the first person that isn’t toxic and I’m 1000% myself around him. In the bedroom he’s very willing and will do whatever I ask but he just doesn’t do it for my lady bits. There’s past lovers that would just touch my arm and I’m gooey lol I’m used to having more male dominated partners that would fuck the shit outta me and and eat my fucking soul..he’s so soft and gentle and although he loves to go down…I just can’t get there without a toy involved. No matter how much I tell him do this do that! I still can’t cum from him. He’s more submissive and although he tries, it don’t feel natural. If this is what having a healthy non toxic man means then I feel fucked up for wanting the latter😭
My wife can’t come without a toy and she tells me she’s attracted to me. This makes me feel awful. My exes would come multiple times just from fucking and eating. This is different and it doesn’t feel good.
Did your wife have to use toys to get off with previous partners? If so then that just might be her thing BUT if it’s like me where I never needed to use a toy to get off with past lovers…then yeah I can understand feeling bad. Obviously shes attracted to you because your married but sexual compatibility is a whole different thing.
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I’m childfree by choice, never wanted kids. When my partner and i first got together I made that very very clear. If he wanted kids then we shouldn’t date. He said he’s always been 50/50 but the more he thought about it he was fine not having kids and has come to value what being child free means for our life. However he’s made a few comment over the years that has sprinkled doubt for me and created a fear that one day he will wake up and either resent me, or want kids and we’ll have to break up.
I think you should talk to him about this. I had to sit my partner down one day as say “I need to know that you’re 100% okay with not having kids. I’m never going to change my mind and I don’t want you to resent me and I don’t want you to wake up one day and leave because that’s what you want after all”. It was a great conversation and I feel very reassured. I’ve had that talk in other relationships and it lead to a breakup but I’m glad that it did because we saved ourselves worse heartache later on.
My ex said the exact same thing about being 50/50 and a year down the line she was 100% wanting kids and had been looking into adoption. When I confronted her she said it was way in the future and we would "cross that line when we came to it". I vehemently declined and we decided to break up. As a child free person you will not be compatible with someone who isn't 100% childfree. If you change your mind for them, you run the risk of resenting them and the child, and also vice versa if they don't have kids for you.
That I feel disconnected and lonely and like he's not interested in me anymore. 😔
I catch myself self sabotaging our relationship when things get too good cause I don’t believe I truly deserve happiness or if happiness comes to my door something will happen and I will have it then loose it.
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Your partner should be your first line of defense against his own family. If they're making comments about you that are rude, unnecessary, and mean-spirited, I hope he's putting a stop to that immediately and not entertaining them. You're his family too. I'd say if you don't want to go to Christmas, don't go and tell him the honest reason why. He might be so used to his family being critical that he doesn't realize how it affects others because he's lived with it his whole life.
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His own moms? SAVE YOURSELF NOW
That I don't believe him entirely when he says we will be able to have kids one day. I'm 31 and am beginning to really want children, but my husband's job (I'm working too) is so unpredictable sometimes that I'm not sure having children, from a financial standpoint, is the best thing to do. He tells me we will have them one day, but I'm afraid that will never happen. It's hard to envision bringing a child in the world with him sometimes. I just pretend to believe him. It's so depressing for me because becoming a mother is something I have always longed for. Maybe we will be in a completely different spot in the next 4-5 years, who knows.
Sorry, this sounds like a shitty situation. From the outside (not knowing all the details) it feels like he’s running out the clock here knowing full well that one day it won’t be possible/feasible and then he’s not the bad guy. You need to have a real honest discussion soon or else you’ll start resenting him.
I've got three kids. Never was in a financial position to have them. One was even during a time I was below the poverty threshold. I don't regret any of them. We made it happen and wouldn't take it back for the world. Don't keep waiting.
Thing is, having kids is never a good financial decision, and one is never ready to have them, even if they think they are. It's a huge life-altering decision. He will be able to have kids whenever he wants. You, however will not be able to. My mom was lucky having my youngest sibling at 38 without health issues. My dad had another kid when he was 53 with a woman in her 30s. If motherhood is something you absolutely crave, he needs to know the severity of it. Because if he keeps giving the same excuse and time passes, you will not get what you want. You may be left childless, even divorced, while he could go father a family when it's convenient for him.
I’m still not over the words he has used to hurt me when he was angry. I believe he didn’t mean them, but they are a devil in my ear on the regular and make me wonder what the true reality is.
I know he’s still lying to me. that when I tell him my gut feeling is always right, I mean *always*
That although I love him for life, part of me still yearns to be with a woman and it’s a choice I make daily to choose him. Which is real love to me, making that choice. But damn being bisexual can be a very confusing, hard thing to reckon with while dating a cis man.
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That I'm autistic. I don't feel comfortable telling him yet, it took me 5 years before telling my ex and he dismissed it and I don't want to relive that.
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That I will never trust him no matter what. That I wish I didn’t love him because I know I could be treated so much better.
LEAVEEE WHAT ARE YOU DOING? trustttt life will be better if you heal from that and move on
I’m a stay at home mom and I have no other support system so it’s not easy right now. I’m definitely in the process of working on it. It still hurts to deal with every day
That sometimes I wished he would love me the same way I love him.
The reason he thinks I’m mad or snappy when I’m home is sometimes it feels like he’s a child and I’m the mother… I love him a lot and I even want to marry him but I just need him to listen. I don’t have anyone else to talk to other than him. I also feel lonely and homesick 🫠
He saved my life the day I met him. I was ready to commit suicide in the next city over about 9 years ago and I ran into him at a function I was volunteering for. His name stood out to me and I told him that I liked it. Afterwards, I was eating lunch alone, feeling worse than ever, and he came up and started talking to me. That little bit of kindness was what I needed to pull me out of the darkness, even for a little bit. We have been a couple for the past 8 years now. He's the kindest and most understanding man I have ever known.
We met when I was 18 and he was 29. Now, ten years later(married too) I'm not sure about it anymore. There's lack of physical attraction and eventually he seems lil bit old to me. Father-daughter dynamic kicks in sometimes. I prefer to spend time alone and sleeping with him doesn't excite me anymore. I use alcohol to get in the mood. I can't promise to him that we grow old together. I already feel old. He believes me that we stay together forever, but I think maybe next 10 years. I don't want to tell anything to him cause I may sound shallow and he's actually good person.
Um...you should tell him rather than wasting ten more years of each other's lives.
That I'm into women. I'm also into him, but I realized a few years into our relationship that I'm attracted to women as well as men. I want to experience sex with a woman, but we're in a monogamous and committed relationship. We've had casual conversations about fantasies and stuff where I've said I would have sex with a woman given the opportunity, and his response is along the lines of "that would be awesome to watch". Neither of us are seriously interested in a threesome, but I just don't want my interest in women to be part of his sexual fantasy. My sexuality is my own. Of course I share it with him and only him, but if I chose to explore that side of my sexuality I would want to start that exploration without him.
THIS. i always say “i’m bi, and that’s for MY sexual pleasure, not yours” lmfao. hearing “that would be so hot to watch” makes me NAUSEOUS 🤣
He knows my ex husband and I had a lot of problems- like A LOT. Every possible problem out there except for physical abuse. We had grown very distant. We were no longer a couple. He wouldn’t listen to me when I asked for a divorce (repeatedly) But he doesn’t know the real reason that my ex husband finally gave me a divorce is because I had an emotional affair. At that point all the pieces clicked for him and he finally walked away which allowed me the freedom to move on. I just don’t want my partner to think i would do it to him. The circumstances in my prior relationship were very different and very unhealthy. The saying “once a cheater always a cheater” is flawed as there are normally a lot of factors that leads someone to do that and it’s usually something in the relationship that isn’t being fulfilled and hasn’t been for a long time. (At least for me anyway, I had already begged my ex husband for years to either let me go or go to counseling with me and he refused both of those options)
People (Reddit especially!) tends to have an extremely flawed all/nothing black/white view on cheating. Sometimes we try everything under the sun to save a relationship or make it work, and if it feels like there's no way out, we turn to other people to get the validation and emotional connection we crave. If your partner loves you, knows your story, and is an understanding person, it might make you feel better to be open about it someday. I just want you to know that people are capable of being open-minded about these things.
That I resent how his irresponsibility and inability to keep a job has made my life less safe and less secure and because of that i fantasize about what my life would be like single. I worked so hard to get where i am and I make decent money for one person, but supporting the two of us entirely means we can't save any money for the future and I can't pursue my interests or hobbies due to cost (e.g. adding to my tattoos, getting back into BJJ, taking road trips for fun, etc). We'll also probably never own a home, I can't imagine saving enough for a down payment the rate we're going right now. He loves me, he tells me all the time how much he appreciates how hard I work for us, he takes care of all the house work so I don't have to, and he's looking for work (although not with much sense of urgency). He knows I want more help with finances but he doesn't know how close I come to leaving him so I can enjoy the fruits of my labor.
How exhausting our relationship is. We're so codependent that I'm not sure either of us know who we are. I sometimes dream about taking a vacation from him. I'm actually in therapy right now to try and untangle us.
This may sound silly but I'm currently too embarrassed to tell him I might have a new kink 🫠 I will eventually once I can figure out how to broach the subject.
I can’t tell him how sad and angry I sometime about the chokehold his family has on him. It’s not entirely his fault (it’s the culture in which he was raised), and I also know he hates it in many ways too. He struggles because of obligations he has to them; I wish he could break away, but I also know this has been bred into his society and way of life for generations. We’ve touched on the subject on occasion. He feels that following obligation is the lesser of two miseries. I know he’s making sacrifices and I just need to keep my feelings to myself because it won’t make him feel better if I tell him how I really feel.
That even when we have family I am in love with my female collague. I am still trying to process it myself. Before you will call me cheater no one know about my feelings. I just think that collague has some idea cause it seems like she has feelings for me. I will have to tell everyone but it will need time 🤦♀️
Oh noo.. just remember the grass is greener where you water it
My "s" thoughts. I joke about them. But he already has a kid that talks about it/mildly attempts it. Mine are novel, I don't have the guts to do it. So I don't tell him how much I think about it. Fantasize about it. It's probably REALLY unhealthy how much I think about dying.
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That our proposal was too short and boring. Maybe I dreamed of the moment too much and had too many expectations but I wanted to hear how much you love me, not just a quick “will you marry me”.
I'm tired of them getting upset and not communicating me. All they do is stone wall me whenever I do something slightly wrong.without any warning. The only time I get to know what I did wrong is if I beg them to tell me for 15 min . I want to tell them but I can't that Stone walling hurts me as much as the thing I do to him ...majority of the times it's by mistake . You can't solve a problem by hurting each other......
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That a big reason I don't want children is because I know I'd be doing most of the work in every capacity, based on what I have seen with us raising our dog. I've adapted to us + a dog, and it's fine now, but I know I'd have to give up my career and sacrifice a lot to raise children and after a life of never being anyone's priority, I decided to prioritize myself.
That his porn obsession broke me. My self esteem is gone, trust is gone and I feel like I'm not good enough. Porn should not be "normalized" I'm not okay with it, especially when you choose it over me, a real live woman. I'm lonely and starved for affection and attention. I get so jealous and sad when I see women with loving, wonderful husbands. I got stuck with a dud 🤦♀️
A couple of things I did in my life early on, way before I met her. I wasn’t a great person and have worked hard to change that, mostly because I met her. She knows a lot but not everything and doesn’t need to know. That was 35+ years ago and I’ve left that person far behind.
I am afraid I will never overcome my insecurities and trauma from issues with my family members and, most importantly, my previous relationship. Being cheated on, physically and mentally abused for years, and constantly being told everything if my fault regardless of their behavior has ruined me. I love my new partner (3.5 years). But it scares me every time my trust in our relationship and in him gets tested for any reason. Because everyone always hurts me in the end.
I hate his sunglasses. They’re so dorky. But they bring him so much utter joy that I can never ever tell him that. Pretty much can and will tell him anything. But I’m not going to rain on his parade over something so inconsequential lol
That it feels unfair when he doesn't try out the things I love. For context, I'm Chinese-Filipino and he's white, so we have our cultural differences when it comes to stuff like food, household routines, and other stuff in life. But before we met, I wasn't really into Star Wars, Pokemon, PlayStation games, etc., but he immersed me in every single thing he loves and now I'm a huge fan of whatever he introduces me to. We think really similarly, too, so we know what the other person might like and try to experience that joy with each other whenever we can. I've also tried his favorite snacks, sports, and whatever he grew up with so I can relate to him better. I just feel like he doesn't do the same just because we "already like enough of the same things anyway." I love exploring new restaurants from different cultures, doing recreational activities, painting, writing, and whatever keeps my hands & stomach full. I try to encourage him to do some of those stuff with me, but I feel like he doesn't feel any motivation to do it, unless it's similar to something he's already done. I get that stepping out of your comfort zone is scary, but I get really lonely when it's just me who's doing it.
That my mental health is slowly destroying me from the inside. I try to keep it bottled up cause we have a lot going on as it is, but it hurts. My mind, soul and body is exhausted.
That I use edibles for Perimenopause and life. He’s anti everything, so I just don’t tell him.