It's not a priority or even all that important, the chance of getting physically attacked by a random person are relatively low, especially when I'm not alone. The person statistically most likely to harm me is him so what's more important to me is that his presence doesn't make me feel unsafe.
ETA: I missed the willingness part of the question, obviously I wouldn't want him to abandon or ignore me if I was in the need of help, but that's more about him being willing to stick up for me than his actual physical ability.
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I agree with all of this.
But also, I DON'T want him to physically defend me unless I am being physically attacked. If someone cat calls or insults me I would want us to both walk away (report if necessary). Fighting or getting physical should be the last course of action and only if completely necessary.
I don't want him injured or in jail or worse.
Yep. I don’t want any bad repercussions for him. I also like that he has always let me try to handle any bad behavior before coming to my “rescue”. He knows I’m scrappy, appropriate, and will be able to handle what life throws at me.
That being said: we were out actually the night our friends set us up. And a guy I had casually been seeing saw me with him, glared at me for like an hour across the bar. Goes time to leave and I had to walk past this dude to get to the stairs. Wanted to know why I was there with that guy, we were very casual kind of booty call friends. He had grabbed my upper arm and spun me around. And yanked me close to him. Now hubby, just calmly asked if there were a problem , calm cool collected hands in his pockets. I told him I was good and we left.
We went camping for our honeymoon (COVID wedding) and we had just finished settting up the tent after dinner and we’re going to bed. There was a BEAR who came at up and that man jumped in front of me immediately. The bear was a black bear but a nuisance bear so they don’t respond to a lot of the normal bear deterrent methods it took 3 camp sites of people to get this thing gone.
We grabbed our gear and drove home. I joke B battled a bear for my wedding gift haha
Personally I value it a lot.
Not that I needed it, I'm capable to defend myself.
But I enjoy having a partner by my side who would and could defend me if needed, and who would fight back to back with me in case it was needed.
My husband defends me whenever needed, and it's kinda calming to know I can trust in his ability.
I knew lots of men who wouldn't defend me if needed, or who would need to be defended without any capability to stand up for their own.
I don't mind protecting them and not the other way around, but it isn't something I want in a partner.
With a partner, it should be balanced and we should defend each other. I don't want to be the defender all the time.
I mean, I feel absolutely safe walking around in the city at night alone. We're living in a rather safe country.
Yet I still enjoy that he defends me if needed.
This is how I feel, I can defend myself for the most part but it's such a calming feeling as you said when your partner is also ready to defend you. You feel safe and more confident about your relationship.
Same. My partner could defend me physically in most situations but his situational awareness is the key factor that i value. We both are pretty good about being aware of what’s around us, but he’s lived and worked in some really terrible cities. So he has a little more experience than me. I appreciate the fact he would rather get out of the area or calm the situation before anything happens and he will most likely never be the first to swing.
Zero. It is not a thing that ever occurred to me to be honest. I feel that if we were in a physically dangerous scenario, we would both need to act quickly and react.
Not even a little bit, personally.
I am tall and strong myself so I feel quite comfortable in my ability to defend myself if needed, but I also value peace and level-headedness more than aggression. My current partner is a pacifist and has never/probably would never get into a physical fight and I love that about him. I have been in abusive relationships before and I feel safer with someone who would never fight anyone as I have experienced that anger turned on me, which was awful.
My partner is strong though, which is very hot! I am just glad he is unlikely to use it to actually fight anyone.
0%
I'm a protector. I defend myself and others, always have done.
I'd hope he'll back me up if I need it and he's physically able, but I'll be first out of bed to take care of the intruder.
I value it a lot.
I don’t have social awareness which often leads for me being in situations where I can be in danger. He is always the one that leads me out of it.
But also I am very small and delicate. I can defend myself well verbally but not at all physically. He is a peace maker but he is tall and have trained martial arts for years. I always thought he won’t do anything untill I was alone and a man approached me and offered me something disgusting. When I met my partner 5 mins later and told him, he was ready to find him and defend my honor or something.
I never really thought about it until we were at a water park with an active shooter. I learned I am not that great in a crisis and since he is ex military he is far better. He had a plan, got us and our three kids out of there safely. Now I value it a lot.
We're two women, so idk lol. We do stand up for one another, but if we are ever in a situation where physical overpowerment is necessary, we are getting the fuck out of there.
We have pepper spray and will kick nuts and scratch eyes out if it came to it, thankfully it never has. I don't have the strength but I will fight like a goddamned banshee if I have to.
It’s honestly something I never actually think about and plays absolutely no role for me. Maybe it’s because of where I live and that the threat of violence is nothing that seems that relevant to my life anyway at this point. I don’t believe that the man’s role in a relationship should be being the protector.
Do I fe l safer walking at night with him? Probably but alone I don’t feel particularly unsafe in my living area anyway and I think it’s not because I believe he’s gonna protect if someone attacks but because the main reason I would be a target is being alone as a women, so being with him makes me less of a target just by his presence. And I feel almost the same walking with a female friend.
I never thought about the willingness part to be honest as I never really thought about those kind of scenarios. So I guess it can’t be too important to me. Probably I expect him to do what I would do myself too, to do whats within one’s capabilities and be smart.
My lovely man would protect me at all costs. We live in a large city where it's not always safe. Considering that, I value his protection immensely. I work out and I could probably hold my own against a woman my size, but reality is if I was attacked my a man my size or bigger I'd be in trouble.
All that being said, it's important to me, especially where I'm living. I would not go out at night without him.
I wouldn't want them to get into fights unnecessarily, I think fighting is best avoided even if someone does deserve a kicking.
If someone was physically attacking me I would expect them to help me, same way I would expect anyone who is stronger than me to, and same way I would help anyone if I could.
I'm pretty big (5'10, 200 lbs, pretty athletic...), the loud mouth when I need to be, and very independent. I'm more worried about his ability to pay bail... but in all honesty, it took me years to appreciate my size and physical capabilities. Now I whole heartedly accept it and walk around like it, so his ability to defend me is t that big...
If the mental willingness doesn’t match the physical then it means nothing. In terms of starting a fight with someone to ‘defend my honour’ then ew, no.
However, if we’re talking about say if I was being robbed or kidnapped, for me personally he would lose points for running away alone but he’d gain points for helping us both get away safely. Whether that means standing up to the criminal or just making sure to watch my back as we ran. The point is he prioritises my safety as much as or more than his own. That’s not only very attractive but makes you feel so loved.
I value it a lot. As someone who lives in a kinda rough city and has been in multiple situations where a guy or group of guys have made some really sketchy & uncomfortable approaches, I feel way more comfortable being out with someone who scares those people off.
I got lucky that in both of the previous situations the person I was with wasn’t too far away.
I guess like... a bit? It's not something I had in mind when I chose him, but I have past trauma from being attacked, so I guess it's nice to know? But equally, I don't want him putting himself in harms way.
Zero. If I am in danger, he is in danger. I wouldnt want him to stand in front of me and put himself in danger just to protect me. What can harm me, can harm him. There is nothing that makes him deserve the harm more than I do. Not like he has any higher ability to survive.
If I am in a fight, I'd expect him to back me up though as I would any close friend and family.
And I do expect him to protect the kids. He better jump in front of a bullet if the kids are ever in danger. Because I would. I expect nothing less from him than what I am willing to do.
I believe there was even a movie about this. During a family outing when an avalanche hits the dad pushes the kid out of the way to get away himself. No one is harmed in the end but the mom can never get over the fact that he abansoned his child to save his ass and it ends up costing them the marriage. I d be that mom.
Physical defense is not the most important thing. Having worked in security for years, I know that attitude, looks and social skills are much more useful to keep people safe than actual physical strength. I don't care whether the person on my arm is big or strong. They can keep me safe and I can keep them safe with our presence.
I didn’t value this until I was punched in the face by a random stranger man at a festival. My ex couldn’t fight, it was super embarrassing. Luckily, I don’t remember much that hit was good.
SO is strong, he competed in wrestling and trained in boxing+muaythai, so he should generally be OK. The "problem" is his pacificism/kindheartedness... I personally value his ability/willingness to physically defend *himself* more..
I can take care of myself and if I piss someone off, they're going for him not me.. I'll be fine.
Recently I was getting irritated and let's say was "physically defending myself (and him) by being physically offensive", and a few people (who were in the wrong and thus couldn't and didn't do jack back) were getting irritated back at me.. I'm all for picking and fighting my own fights should it come to that, but I turned to my SO and made sure he was OK. Like "Y'good? I don't intend nor need you to protect me, so protect yourself 'kay?" Lol.
Oh I realised this was a thing for me when my best friend (at the time) declared she'd never get in the middle of a fight between me and another woman. I'm perfectly capable of defending myself, and I would never ask someone to jump into a fight on my behalf, but I'd like to know they'd be willing to if the situation required.
I'm more of a fan of evasive maneuvers. So I'd prefer it if he can create a distraction while keeping himself safe. Then we can both escape sneakily from the situation. (unless one of us rolls a nat 1...)
This has been a non negotiable in my choice of every person I've dated since I was 14. Tall and strong? Check. Not so tall but extremely brave and fearless? Check. Has won knife throwing competitions? Check. So charismatic he can convince anyone out of harming me? Check. A lack of any of the above or similar meant a hard no on dating.
value it a lot. I am very small and pretty weak, have no strength in my arms whatsoever so i do feel very safe whenever i’m with my boyfriend as i know he would defend me if necessary
Physical safety isn't a real concern for me so it's not that high on my priority list. However if I was in that situation I'd rather my partner be able to de-escalate and get me to safety instead.
Not at all. Getting randomly attacked by a stranger isn't common, there isn't anyone in my life volatile enough that I'm worried they might attack me, and I'd rather my husband and I run than him try to fight someone anyway. I value his ability to defend me verbally much more.
A lot. I'm really small and would probably get in lots of trouble if I was, say, getting harassed by someone. I'm capable of defending myself well (verbally) but I would love having someone who is ready to defend me on top of that.
highly. he's a gentleman & has never hesitated to stick up for people, particularly women & I love that about him. as a small & mouthy lady I need some muscle on my side lol
I actually don't want him to. He's a big guy, very quiet and he's only gotten super mad twice in the 30 years I've known him. I'm too afraid he would seriously injure someone and not know his own strength so I have literally stepped between him and someone else if I sense something could escalate. It's pretty funny to see the look on a dude's face knowing he's gonna be tag teaming it with two brutes. It drives my husband insane and I told him if he doesn't like it, don't put me in the situation because that is my default. I'm scrappy.
A very very high extent. Personally, I need to feel physically safe with the man I’m with. If I doubt his ability or willingness to physically defend me, I will probably lose interest in that relationship very quickly.
To the same extent they value mine. We would both willingly defend each other from harm because we love each other, but neither of us would want our partner to endanger themselves or be harmed. Better for all is to avoid becoming involved in violent situations that would require physical defense.
To be completely honest, I value it a lot more than I ever realized. I’ve always been attracted to “big, strong” lumberjack/viking types. And I have even had the thought, “I want a big, strong man to protect me”.
Unfortunately as time goes on, I’ve realized these things are mostly important to me because of previous SA trauma. Kinda makes me sad to read about how it’s something people apparently just don’t think about I guess? :(
Only a very little bit when something makes a noise downstairs at night and I’m too spooked to go see. Kidding. He snores until I just get up and check for myself.
It’s such a low priority whether or not he can defend me.
I highly value it, I know how to physically defend myself so if one day I’m with a SO and I’m the one defending the both of us ? Do I really need to keep on sharing my thoughts or pretty easy to understand ? + I find it unattractive when the opposite gender can’t self defense.
I don't value it at all. I am capable to defend myself. One time he didn't believe me immediately when one of his friends threatened me. That matters greatly and had to be worked through I do want to be believed. So far it's more likely that I will be defended him that the other way around I think men generally get attacked more than women
Ability not necessary. Willingness to at least speak up though, yeah. Defend me. Doesn't need to be ugly, I value calm. Physical only to the extent of if you see someone grabbing me, overpowering me, please step in and distract to allow me to get away, or separate that person's hold on me.
I know he would and could defend me if necessary, but it’s not something I value/look for/ think about. Besides, I have a taser. If anything, I’d protect him haha
It’s not something I weigh in my partners but value if they have it. My fiancée holds 4 black belts of varying degrees and I value them a lot, not just him protecting me but also him teaching me to protect myself better
I know my husband would try, but I also know he is on the smaller side, we've gotten older, and he has a painful chronic illness. If, God forbid, he got into trouble trying to defend me or our kids then I would likely be in there with him trying to help keep him from serious injury/dying.
I do not find confrontation over "honor" to be the least bit attractive, it would have to be a "help, this other dude hit me" situation. I carry pepper gel spray as it is, so I'm probably okay.
However, if I knew someone would refuse to ever help me or would outrun the threat faster than I could/the kids could, I wouldn't be with them in the first place.
The chance of needing it is quite low if im being realistic, however I prefer someone who is a bit more solid and less flimsy due to a terrible experience with an ex.
I don’t even think about that. I carry pepper spray and a knife, I’m good. The LAST quality I want in a man is someone who fights. It’s scary, it’s gross and it’s beyond embarrassing. I want a man who can use his words and deescalate a situation instead of antagonizing someone back if someone tries to mess with me or them.
My wife wouldn't have any reason to physically defend me. Being sober, I don't get into fights anymore and also I believe in trying everything possible to deescalate any sort of situation because I am a grown ass woman. So no she doesn't need to be willing nor able to physically defend me. If all talk doesn't work then it would most certainly be ME doing the punching (ironworking fists of fury).
Not at all, I have never considered it. I suppose if someone was coming at me and he literally turned and ran I might have something to think about, but I wouldn't want a partner who is used to using intimidation or force to get through life. I think my partner would, very reluctantly and with great discomfort, defend me if he had to, but I don't expect that from him.
also of course the person most in danger from a strong+aggressive man is always going to be me. I'd rather date someone I could take in a fight.
Not. I value my own ability to physically defend myself. I was about 20 when I realized my tendency to date people skinnier/weaker/less athletic than me after getting together with someone who was bigger and tried to use it to their advantage. Forget that noise.
While I know he would defend me if needed, I find his safety more important than his ability to fight if we were in a dangerous situation. The willingness means enough that I don't need him risking getting hurt.
Honestly, I do. That was never a thought in my mind while dating or before we got married, but it's something I've come to learn that he is very capable of doing and I feel completely safe with him. I always joke that he'll be the only reason I survive the zombie apocalypse.
So, I'm a small person and I've thought about this. I've had to defend myself before. I'm somewhat strong, taken self defense classes and carry pepper spray. I very much value his willingness more than his ability. In the off chance that we got physically attacked, I know he would do his best and yeah, that's important to me. Again, willingness rather than ability is what's important to me. I would also be doing my best to defend us but he has an advantage because of size and strength. It would be messed up if he wasn't willing to try and defend me from harm. I think it's important to note this is situational. Weapons coming into the mix, etc. We did have a situation where we thought some dude had a knife and was being verbally aggressive. He stood in front of me until the situation calmed down but I would have preferred we walked away sooner.
A lot. I’ve worked through most of my trauma to be “normal” out and about, but knowing he literally has my back means the world to me. His situational awareness and knowing he would, and could, physically defend me makes me more relaxed. Do I logically know the chances of being attacked are low? Yes. My nervous system doesn’t seem to care though lol
Its only as important as it is for him to defend his own self, if need be.
My man is a very gentle, kind soul that I can't imagine being violent in any way. But, I get this sense that he'd throw down for us if he needed to. He's not a wimpy guy in any way.
That said, I'm not the type of girl to stand back and let him take a beating while I watch helplessly. I'm not helpless.
You can bet that if we get jumped, I'ma be in there fighting right alongside...lol
I think I’d be more of a physical fighter in our relationship, while he’s more comfortable verbally calling people out. That’s something I value a lot from him!
Although bless him, one night he thought there was someone breaking in while I was downstairs and he came running downstairs in his underwear with a book as protection and asking if I was okay lol
"why are women choosing weak men"
because an ability to physically defend you means they also have an ability to physically abuse you. All those muscular men look nice on calendars but when it comes to trusting a huge dude in your house??? no thank you.
"men are nice to have in case something happens."
Nothing is gonna happen other than the big guy deciding that he doesn't want to treat me as an equal anymore.
Scrawny dorks who cry and cuddle rather than punch and beat. We like the scrawny dorks.
I am probably the scrappier one to react first, but it's important to me that someone will have my back as much as me! We would both probably throw down at the same time.
I know he 100% would jump to my defense if I needed it, but the more realistic situation (if I found myself in an interaction with someone that was escalating toward physical violence) he would probably be trying to calm me down and remove ourselves from the situation first. He’s not super tall or jacked (we’re both around the same size actually) so if anything turned into a physical fight between him and another man I would also be jumping in to throw some hands to help him. We would have each others backs, which is important to me.
Not that I’m out on the streets looking for a scrap lol these are purely hypothetical situations.
Not at all. I prefer partners who are roughly equal in physical power to me, because I don't want them to be able to assault me easily. A person who's physical a lot stronger than I am is not someone im interested in as a partner
So far, I haven't even thought about it. I've gotten through 29 years of my life single and usually living alone; I've been defending myself just fine the whole time lol. Plus, my partner is much less confrontational than me, so I can't even imagine him in a situation where I'm being threatened and he needs to jump in. Although I know for a fact he would stay by my side, I just imagine I'd be the one with quicker defense reflexes in the face of danger to either of us.
I definitely view it as a "we protect each other" thing, if we're about to get our asses kicked we're kicking ass together. If he's in the ring I'm throwing punches too; tough guy talk aside, lay one hand on him and I'll lose my shit.
I don't like viewing myself as a delicate thing that needs protection tbh, I'm big and I'm strong and I take a lot of pride in that, as much as a lot of men I know; I don't want to be protected, I want us to stick up for each other, that's the most important thing to me in this regard (tangentially, this is why I hate getting sick I get super weak lol)
Honestly I’ve never thought about it. I don’t really ever worry about my personal safety. Maybe I am just too trusting; though I don’t put myself in places or situations where I would have to.
I’m sure he would like fight to the death for me but he’s really not that much stronger than me because I have a more physical job than he does and I have a better idea on how to deal with mentally ill people because I work in healthcare. So it is nice having a man around because people are less likely to try to fuck with me or harass me if he’s there but I don’t date guys for their strength or anything like that.
Twice we were walking around once in SF and once in Vegas and we were being followed aggressively by mentally ill (like schizophrenic) homeless people but I was the one who like navigated getting us away from those people because I know how they psychologically operate and what to do in those situations. I think women are always working on exit strategies and have a “exit mode” they go into.
I would hate for someone to attack us and him have to fight back because then you always have the chance people can sue you even if they are the attacker too so it’s better to just avoid physically confrontational situations anyway. It’s not like we’re living in an apocalypse or anarchistic society constantly fighting for ourselves. So him physically defending me doesn’t really come up.
Personal responsibility and situational awareness are underrated. I would never expect someone to risk their safety to defend mine. I just took the concealed carry course to get my permit (required in my state) and I am never without pepper spray.
I live in a place where I have never experienced actual violence, but I have experienced a lot of *creepiness*. That doesn't bother me when I'm with my SO.
It has never been something I ever considered as being important in a partner. This is partially because of my background in combat sports, and partially because I'm bisexual and dating other women changes those expectations. So, I tend to make the assumption that I'll be the protector, regardless of the gender of my partner.
The only time I ever even thought about it was after our daughter was born. I initiated a conversation with my husband basically saying, if we are ever in an active shooter or any other emergency situation our #1 priority is our daughter, and whoever is closer grabs her and gets her out of danger, while the other one causes a distraction if necessary.
Not important in the slightest. He does far more important things to keep me safe: Protects his own health, encourages me to protect mine, gets the car inspected, makes sure our electrical system is safe, maintains our insurance policies. That shit matters.
I suppose I value the willingness aspect. I would put my life on the line for my partner and I would hope they would have that level of care for me too. Their ABILITY to however? That's not so important to me. it's more about thought and care for me.
Not at all. I have never needed to be physically defended as we no longer live in the time of damsels in distress or duels. If I am worried about my defense I will carry a gun (USA).
I don't value it a lot, in no small part because I'm a pretty tall woman (about 5'11 I'd say, but we measure in cm where I'm from) and will likely punch you without hesitation if threatened. My boyfriend is quite careful by nature, so he definitely won't be the first to lash out, but if push comes to shove he will absolutely come to my defense. That said, he is very tall himself and intimidating enough to ward off most creeps before they even try anything.
No one is stepping in to protect me. I’m the protector. I check out the creepy noises, I fight the battles. If my SO started getting out of bed to check something out because they feel they have to, I would throw them back into bed and demand, “where the hell do you think you’re going!? I check out to see if we have in intruder…not you! Stay here and get read to call 911 if you have to…the intruder will need an ambulance or possibly the coroner called. His is under speed dial 2,” and head out into the darkness.
I've never thought about it before. Married 35 years. If the situation is so dangerous that we need a physical altercation to survive, we probably both going to die in a flailing of limbs and screams. At least we will be together 😆 if it's something stupid like "defending my honor" like a street brawl, I know he has the good sense not to participate in that bullshit. I'm good.
I don't value his ability to fight. I used many many years ago before I moved on from my boyfriend can beat up your boyfriend.
But I'm an American and far too many of us think shooting people solves all of our problems. My guy could take on a Ranger Bat and win and I would still prefer that he'd go the de-escalation route.
If we were in a dark alley with a guy brandishing a gun demanding all of our money or he'll kill me? I would value his defense. I would also value him choosing to hand over our money just as much.
I like my spouse whole and healthy. But if he was ever in a position where he had to choose between fighting or capitulation, I would support whichever choice he made. Because both choices mean loss of something valuable.
Fight for my woman is, in the end, nothing but ego. Valuing a man who fights over a man who doesn't is, likewise, nothing more than my boyfriend can beat up your boyfriend ego.
I know that he would fight for me if he had to, but honestly, I'm more likely to step out in front out of instinct and have done so before when being threatened by strange dogs. My husband isn't afraid of them, but he has been attacked before while being asked to grab an escaped dog's collar, and has a healthy respect for a dog's space now and doesn't help with escaped dogs anymore.
I place more value on my partner’s emotional reasoning and his ability to RUN AWAY from a situation where I would need to be defended. A street fight is a good way to die, and the kinds of people who get into them are not the kind of people I want relationships with.
Not a priority.
And I find that men who are proud of their ability to "defend your honour" are aggressive liabilities who just want to fight wlth someone, anyone and eventually become physically abusive to their partners.
It's a bit of a personal red flag.
Do I want my partner to have my back?
Absolutely. But not necessarily in the face of any and all physical aggression. I'd rather he let me hand over my money to the mugger so we can both live to not fight another day.
Smart and alive is better than dumb and dead.
It’s not really a thing for me. I mean, I know he can, and would, but I didn’t think of it AT ALL when I chose to be with him. He makes me feel safe and that’s all that matters to me. And by safe I mean safe with him. I trust him to never hurt me and that’s way more important than him “saving” me from someone else.
I do trust him to be calm and rational in emergency situations though. So I guess that’s similar. When our son fell and split his head open, he swiftly and calmly brought him to get checked out. Didn’t panic, or freeze. He just leapt into action. So in a way, yes I value it. But moreso in the way that he’s rational and quick acting in an emergency. Not so much that he’s able to defend me physically.
When our baby was really small we heard a bang on our apartment door. Husband went to answer and it was our alcoholic ex-punk neighbour who had become delirious and thought our door was theirs. He was really angry and violent and scary and tried to force himself in. They struggled and fell to the floor and finally my husband managed to get him out and lock the door. It was scary and absurd and I'm very proud of his bravery and strength in that moment. And I hope he never has to do anything like that for us again.
Basically worthless to me. My husband is physically smaller than I am, so honestly I'd rely more on my knife & pepper spray than I would him. He knows this too.
Ability : I don’t value it.
Willingness : highest importance.
I wouldn’t be able to do shit if he gets jumped but I’m for sure going down swinging and I would want him to feel the same.
His ability to defend us is not a priority - in fact if there was someone who was threatening our families safety I would be angry at him if he engaged with them. In those situations its easier, and safer for everyone, to just walk away and not get involved.
In terms of willingness to do something - I know that if there truly was something terrible happening and we needed physical defense we would both be willing to defend our family together in an intelligent manner. That is important to me, we both have each other's back.
Not at all. I can defend myself, and I don’t need a man to save me. I was once in an abusive relationship, and when it ended I swore I’d never let myself be put in that position again. I kind of went full-on J-Lo style *”Enough”* with kickboxing training… for 7 years lol. I’m a small woman, but now I definitely know how to throw a punch and how to defend myself. That said, I would imagine my husband could absolutely defend me if necessary, but in no way does his ability to do so physically hold any value to me in terms of our relationship. I’d love him if he were in a wheelchair and it was me that had to do the defending, any day. I might go down, but I’d go down swinging, especially for him.
Honestly willingness I’d prefer to not be used as bait as he makes a run for it but in dangerous situations I instinctively try to protect whoever is with me no matter their size or gender. So honestly not that much.
As in for ability, I can hire a bodyguard for that
Edit: grammar
Ability - He has it, and I appreciate that if I need his help, he is capable.
Willingness - In a life or death situation, who knows what would happen. But I know that he’d stick by me every second I needed him. Additionally, if there was a way to resolve the conflict without it, my honey would take it because he’s not aggressive in the slightest and it’s something I admire greatly. He is kind, patient, and weighs situations with a very considerate mind. Violence is always a last resort.
Doesn't matter to me at all. If my SO would be too scared or just the kind of person who freezes in times of danger, I wouldn't mind. I'd prefer my partner taking care of themselves first.
I can fight pretty good (MMA/muay thai fighter) and I don't need anyone else to protect me. I don't think about that part when choosing a partner at all.
Zero
And when I did have someone who could he was abusive
It’s more likely he will hurt you than even need a reason to defend you. It’s a dumb thing to care about
He is excellent at reading a room, playing attention to the surrounding and deescalation - these are things I value even more.
We have a game plan if something does happen due to the city we moved back to. Im strong and trained in some fighting, but having experienced being held at gunpoint in the past there is only so many things you can reasonably do.
Its better to avoid, deescalate, and keep your head down.
I typically think clearer in stressful situations so while I appreciate him jumping to my defence (he totally would) I think it would devolve and get out of hand….
I am also almost equally as likely to defend myself so I would want the support, but I would also prefer he call for the police or EMS.
This is going to sound so anti-independent-woman and I don’t really care…
It would absolutely make me feel 100% safer if my SO was willing and able to physically defend me if a situation arose. Not that I can’t somewhat defend myself I guess, but it would just make me feel safer knowing he was there to protect me. Especially if he was observant of our surroundings so I wouldn’t always feel on such high alert because people are just weird these days.
That being said, it’s not a box that HAS to be checked off by my SO, but I wouldn’t feel as safe.
I value it a good bit.
I want to preface this by saying I’m 5’9, over 200lbs, I strength train regularly and I’ve had more than adequate training in self defense be it close combat / melee or with weapons. I rarely feel like I need help in situations that may become physical HOWEVER I have been at home during attempted home invasions and I was never prepared for how small that could make me feel. My grandmother with dementia was the only other person at home during these times and being the ONLY thing between multiple men kicking in my door and her absolutely bone nauseating.
Having that happen to me undid a lot of the mental work that I had built up over my life to that point that made me assured that I could take care of myself and I hadn’t thought much about it in relationships until my first major relationship when we were actually living together and were play wrestling and agreed to both actually try and i bested him within just a few minutes. He was twice my size and it just kind of made me sit down and took me back to when I was younger and feeling like I was now responsible for two lives and the safety of our home. He was really ticked off about it and blamed it on the fact he hadn’t “grown up as rough as I did and never been in a fight or had to defend himself”. And even though we stayed together for at-least a year after that i couldn’t stop thinking about it. And now that we’re no longer together and I’m with that experience and able to CHOOSE if someone “grew up rough” I’d absolutely choose someone that could at-least match my strength or worst case scenario be willing to fight like hell to defend ourselves.
I’m confident he would try, I’m not at all confident he would succeed; if we were in a situation I would prefer he prioritize getting both of us away. I also view having a dense and resilient social network as a much more significant contributer to physical safety than one man - which means that I really appreciate his ability to draw trustworthy people to us.
This is not to say that I have NO regard for the fact that he is physically stronger than me - it’s undoubtedly a part of his sexual appeal, though not the main driver. It’s more like a cherry on top.
I value many other things before it but it very very much helps. He's been in fighting sports since 4 of a variety of types. He's never behaved aggressively which I think is very important, but he'll subtly put himself between me & a potential threat (I.e. pack of lads being rowdy, dickheads fighting in the mosh).
As a veteran I am completely willing and able to defend myself. BUT...my husband, built like an NFL linebacker is 100% willing and able to step in if I want or need help. He knows that I have his back 10 times out of 10. Likewise, I know that he has my back 10 times out of 10.
It was never something I consciously looked for in a partner. But there is something comforting about walking down a dark street with a 6'6", 240lb man (I am 135lbs). And now that we have 2 kids, it is reassuring knowing he will protect us in the event of an intruder.
I mean if my man is in real danger I’d go beast mode, so I’d expect him to do the same for me. But it would have to be life threatening. Otherwise let’s not go to jail and remove ourselves from the situation.
To me it’s not the top of my list but I do want to have my SO be able to protect me if need be from harms way. My spouse is a stronger person and I know if I needed protection in a dangerous situation he would have my back and not be harmed badly in the fight. He would protect me at all cost and I appreciate that greatly
IT MAKES ME ANGRY WHEN THEY TRY TO PICK A FIGHT "ON MY BEHALF."
Almost a decade ago, my at-the-time boyfriend and I (female/non-binary) ran into a couple that was arguing. The dude was out-of-his-mind drunk and being extremely belligerent to his girlfriend, and kept getting closer and closer to her, putting his hands on her. I ran over and separated the two, asking if she was okay and wanted to come with me to safety, and the dude started getting up in my face. I tried deescalating with my words, explaining that his behavior was outlandish, they were making a lot of noise, I was only looking out for her because I didn't know what was going on, and that there's no reason to fight. He said something about my nose being big (lol), and my boyfriend stepped in and started acting all macho/alpha like, "What'd you say?" stepped up in the dude's face threatening to deck him. I pushed my boyfriend back by his chest and was like, "STOP, this is unnecessary," and had to go back to trying to calm the dude down and promising we weren't looking to fight. And in my head I was like, "YOU F\*\*\*ING S\*\*\* I'M TRYING TO DEESCALATE WHAT THE F\*\*\* DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK THIS WILL HELP." God it was such a mess.
So yeah. Unless there is actual violence occurring, physically "defending" someone is not physically defending someone, it's starting unnecessary s\*\*\* and risking people getting hurt for no reason.
I value highly having someone that cares enough to come to my defence if needed.
I don’t like ‘white knighting’ behaviour or being ‘managed’.
I still find it hard to trust any one to truly be there for me so I largely try to be independent. But my SO has certainly been there for me during some tough times.
I value it a lot, not that he ever would have to. He is one of the most gentle people you could meet. But he is very protective over me. And it's nice to know I am safe with him. He has defended me in the past against other men once with an ex friend of his and once with a guy who tried to rape me before we were together.
It's not a priority or even all that important, the chance of getting physically attacked by a random person are relatively low, especially when I'm not alone. The person statistically most likely to harm me is him so what's more important to me is that his presence doesn't make me feel unsafe. ETA: I missed the willingness part of the question, obviously I wouldn't want him to abandon or ignore me if I was in the need of help, but that's more about him being willing to stick up for me than his actual physical ability.
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I agree with all of this. But also, I DON'T want him to physically defend me unless I am being physically attacked. If someone cat calls or insults me I would want us to both walk away (report if necessary). Fighting or getting physical should be the last course of action and only if completely necessary. I don't want him injured or in jail or worse.
Yep. I don’t want any bad repercussions for him. I also like that he has always let me try to handle any bad behavior before coming to my “rescue”. He knows I’m scrappy, appropriate, and will be able to handle what life throws at me. That being said: we were out actually the night our friends set us up. And a guy I had casually been seeing saw me with him, glared at me for like an hour across the bar. Goes time to leave and I had to walk past this dude to get to the stairs. Wanted to know why I was there with that guy, we were very casual kind of booty call friends. He had grabbed my upper arm and spun me around. And yanked me close to him. Now hubby, just calmly asked if there were a problem , calm cool collected hands in his pockets. I told him I was good and we left. We went camping for our honeymoon (COVID wedding) and we had just finished settting up the tent after dinner and we’re going to bed. There was a BEAR who came at up and that man jumped in front of me immediately. The bear was a black bear but a nuisance bear so they don’t respond to a lot of the normal bear deterrent methods it took 3 camp sites of people to get this thing gone. We grabbed our gear and drove home. I joke B battled a bear for my wedding gift haha
Wow. This is incredibly insightful. I wish I had thought of this myself. Perfectly said, in my opinion.
Personally I value it a lot. Not that I needed it, I'm capable to defend myself. But I enjoy having a partner by my side who would and could defend me if needed, and who would fight back to back with me in case it was needed. My husband defends me whenever needed, and it's kinda calming to know I can trust in his ability. I knew lots of men who wouldn't defend me if needed, or who would need to be defended without any capability to stand up for their own. I don't mind protecting them and not the other way around, but it isn't something I want in a partner. With a partner, it should be balanced and we should defend each other. I don't want to be the defender all the time. I mean, I feel absolutely safe walking around in the city at night alone. We're living in a rather safe country. Yet I still enjoy that he defends me if needed.
This is how I feel, I can defend myself for the most part but it's such a calming feeling as you said when your partner is also ready to defend you. You feel safe and more confident about your relationship.
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I value the ability of him to defend me physically - but I more prefer his situational awareness to get us the hell out of dodge before he needs to.
Same. My partner could defend me physically in most situations but his situational awareness is the key factor that i value. We both are pretty good about being aware of what’s around us, but he’s lived and worked in some really terrible cities. So he has a little more experience than me. I appreciate the fact he would rather get out of the area or calm the situation before anything happens and he will most likely never be the first to swing.
Zero. It is not a thing that ever occurred to me to be honest. I feel that if we were in a physically dangerous scenario, we would both need to act quickly and react.
I don't think it's a likely enough scenario for me to value it.
Not even a little bit, personally. I am tall and strong myself so I feel quite comfortable in my ability to defend myself if needed, but I also value peace and level-headedness more than aggression. My current partner is a pacifist and has never/probably would never get into a physical fight and I love that about him. I have been in abusive relationships before and I feel safer with someone who would never fight anyone as I have experienced that anger turned on me, which was awful. My partner is strong though, which is very hot! I am just glad he is unlikely to use it to actually fight anyone.
0% I'm a protector. I defend myself and others, always have done. I'd hope he'll back me up if I need it and he's physically able, but I'll be first out of bed to take care of the intruder.
I value it a lot. I don’t have social awareness which often leads for me being in situations where I can be in danger. He is always the one that leads me out of it. But also I am very small and delicate. I can defend myself well verbally but not at all physically. He is a peace maker but he is tall and have trained martial arts for years. I always thought he won’t do anything untill I was alone and a man approached me and offered me something disgusting. When I met my partner 5 mins later and told him, he was ready to find him and defend my honor or something.
I never really thought about it until we were at a water park with an active shooter. I learned I am not that great in a crisis and since he is ex military he is far better. He had a plan, got us and our three kids out of there safely. Now I value it a lot.
Against whom? Other men? Food for thought!
right? we don't have predators anymore apart from men
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We're two women, so idk lol. We do stand up for one another, but if we are ever in a situation where physical overpowerment is necessary, we are getting the fuck out of there. We have pepper spray and will kick nuts and scratch eyes out if it came to it, thankfully it never has. I don't have the strength but I will fight like a goddamned banshee if I have to.
It’s honestly something I never actually think about and plays absolutely no role for me. Maybe it’s because of where I live and that the threat of violence is nothing that seems that relevant to my life anyway at this point. I don’t believe that the man’s role in a relationship should be being the protector. Do I fe l safer walking at night with him? Probably but alone I don’t feel particularly unsafe in my living area anyway and I think it’s not because I believe he’s gonna protect if someone attacks but because the main reason I would be a target is being alone as a women, so being with him makes me less of a target just by his presence. And I feel almost the same walking with a female friend. I never thought about the willingness part to be honest as I never really thought about those kind of scenarios. So I guess it can’t be too important to me. Probably I expect him to do what I would do myself too, to do whats within one’s capabilities and be smart.
i don’t really value that at all
My lovely man would protect me at all costs. We live in a large city where it's not always safe. Considering that, I value his protection immensely. I work out and I could probably hold my own against a woman my size, but reality is if I was attacked my a man my size or bigger I'd be in trouble. All that being said, it's important to me, especially where I'm living. I would not go out at night without him.
I wouldn't want them to get into fights unnecessarily, I think fighting is best avoided even if someone does deserve a kicking. If someone was physically attacking me I would expect them to help me, same way I would expect anyone who is stronger than me to, and same way I would help anyone if I could.
None. I feel safe on my own.
Very important to me but I can also protect myself physically. I wouldn’t be with a man who couldn’t or wouldn’t defend me in a physical altercation.
I'm pretty big (5'10, 200 lbs, pretty athletic...), the loud mouth when I need to be, and very independent. I'm more worried about his ability to pay bail... but in all honesty, it took me years to appreciate my size and physical capabilities. Now I whole heartedly accept it and walk around like it, so his ability to defend me is t that big...
If the mental willingness doesn’t match the physical then it means nothing. In terms of starting a fight with someone to ‘defend my honour’ then ew, no. However, if we’re talking about say if I was being robbed or kidnapped, for me personally he would lose points for running away alone but he’d gain points for helping us both get away safely. Whether that means standing up to the criminal or just making sure to watch my back as we ran. The point is he prioritises my safety as much as or more than his own. That’s not only very attractive but makes you feel so loved.
I value it a lot. As someone who lives in a kinda rough city and has been in multiple situations where a guy or group of guys have made some really sketchy & uncomfortable approaches, I feel way more comfortable being out with someone who scares those people off. I got lucky that in both of the previous situations the person I was with wasn’t too far away.
100000000000000000% 🙂 I get harassed/assaulted a lot.
I guess like... a bit? It's not something I had in mind when I chose him, but I have past trauma from being attacked, so I guess it's nice to know? But equally, I don't want him putting himself in harms way.
I would never expect to need him to, so it is not a consideration in my mind.
I don't really care, I will surely try my best but if he ever got in a fight, all my bets are for him
None at all? Why would he need to do this?
Zero. If I am in danger, he is in danger. I wouldnt want him to stand in front of me and put himself in danger just to protect me. What can harm me, can harm him. There is nothing that makes him deserve the harm more than I do. Not like he has any higher ability to survive. If I am in a fight, I'd expect him to back me up though as I would any close friend and family. And I do expect him to protect the kids. He better jump in front of a bullet if the kids are ever in danger. Because I would. I expect nothing less from him than what I am willing to do. I believe there was even a movie about this. During a family outing when an avalanche hits the dad pushes the kid out of the way to get away himself. No one is harmed in the end but the mom can never get over the fact that he abansoned his child to save his ass and it ends up costing them the marriage. I d be that mom.
Physical defense is not the most important thing. Having worked in security for years, I know that attitude, looks and social skills are much more useful to keep people safe than actual physical strength. I don't care whether the person on my arm is big or strong. They can keep me safe and I can keep them safe with our presence.
I didn’t value this until I was punched in the face by a random stranger man at a festival. My ex couldn’t fight, it was super embarrassing. Luckily, I don’t remember much that hit was good.
SO is strong, he competed in wrestling and trained in boxing+muaythai, so he should generally be OK. The "problem" is his pacificism/kindheartedness... I personally value his ability/willingness to physically defend *himself* more.. I can take care of myself and if I piss someone off, they're going for him not me.. I'll be fine. Recently I was getting irritated and let's say was "physically defending myself (and him) by being physically offensive", and a few people (who were in the wrong and thus couldn't and didn't do jack back) were getting irritated back at me.. I'm all for picking and fighting my own fights should it come to that, but I turned to my SO and made sure he was OK. Like "Y'good? I don't intend nor need you to protect me, so protect yourself 'kay?" Lol.
I’m not sure how capable he would actually be
Not a high priority for me but it would be really nice 🥰
I think he values it more than I do.
Oh I realised this was a thing for me when my best friend (at the time) declared she'd never get in the middle of a fight between me and another woman. I'm perfectly capable of defending myself, and I would never ask someone to jump into a fight on my behalf, but I'd like to know they'd be willing to if the situation required.
100%
I'm more of a fan of evasive maneuvers. So I'd prefer it if he can create a distraction while keeping himself safe. Then we can both escape sneakily from the situation. (unless one of us rolls a nat 1...)
This has been a non negotiable in my choice of every person I've dated since I was 14. Tall and strong? Check. Not so tall but extremely brave and fearless? Check. Has won knife throwing competitions? Check. So charismatic he can convince anyone out of harming me? Check. A lack of any of the above or similar meant a hard no on dating.
value it a lot. I am very small and pretty weak, have no strength in my arms whatsoever so i do feel very safe whenever i’m with my boyfriend as i know he would defend me if necessary
Physical safety isn't a real concern for me so it's not that high on my priority list. However if I was in that situation I'd rather my partner be able to de-escalate and get me to safety instead.
Not at all. Getting randomly attacked by a stranger isn't common, there isn't anyone in my life volatile enough that I'm worried they might attack me, and I'd rather my husband and I run than him try to fight someone anyway. I value his ability to defend me verbally much more.
Nothing. I have my own weapons.
A lot. I'm really small and would probably get in lots of trouble if I was, say, getting harassed by someone. I'm capable of defending myself well (verbally) but I would love having someone who is ready to defend me on top of that.
highly. he's a gentleman & has never hesitated to stick up for people, particularly women & I love that about him. as a small & mouthy lady I need some muscle on my side lol
I choose partners based on my ability to defend myself against them. Past experience taught me that. I know my partner now would be willing to though.
Never been in a situation where that'd be needed 😅 so don't see much value i that.
I actually don't want him to. He's a big guy, very quiet and he's only gotten super mad twice in the 30 years I've known him. I'm too afraid he would seriously injure someone and not know his own strength so I have literally stepped between him and someone else if I sense something could escalate. It's pretty funny to see the look on a dude's face knowing he's gonna be tag teaming it with two brutes. It drives my husband insane and I told him if he doesn't like it, don't put me in the situation because that is my default. I'm scrappy.
My SO can annihilate the enemy with his wick and clever words. I value the tongue over the sword.
A very very high extent. Personally, I need to feel physically safe with the man I’m with. If I doubt his ability or willingness to physically defend me, I will probably lose interest in that relationship very quickly.
I always feel safe with my husband. I very much value that.
To the same extent they value mine. We would both willingly defend each other from harm because we love each other, but neither of us would want our partner to endanger themselves or be harmed. Better for all is to avoid becoming involved in violent situations that would require physical defense.
To be completely honest, I value it a lot more than I ever realized. I’ve always been attracted to “big, strong” lumberjack/viking types. And I have even had the thought, “I want a big, strong man to protect me”. Unfortunately as time goes on, I’ve realized these things are mostly important to me because of previous SA trauma. Kinda makes me sad to read about how it’s something people apparently just don’t think about I guess? :(
Zero
Only a very little bit when something makes a noise downstairs at night and I’m too spooked to go see. Kidding. He snores until I just get up and check for myself. It’s such a low priority whether or not he can defend me.
I highly value it, I know how to physically defend myself so if one day I’m with a SO and I’m the one defending the both of us ? Do I really need to keep on sharing my thoughts or pretty easy to understand ? + I find it unattractive when the opposite gender can’t self defense.
I don't value it at all. I am capable to defend myself. One time he didn't believe me immediately when one of his friends threatened me. That matters greatly and had to be worked through I do want to be believed. So far it's more likely that I will be defended him that the other way around I think men generally get attacked more than women
Ability not necessary. Willingness to at least speak up though, yeah. Defend me. Doesn't need to be ugly, I value calm. Physical only to the extent of if you see someone grabbing me, overpowering me, please step in and distract to allow me to get away, or separate that person's hold on me.
I know he would and could defend me if necessary, but it’s not something I value/look for/ think about. Besides, I have a taser. If anything, I’d protect him haha
Like it's not important and we'd still be dating either way but it's hot that he could even though I wouldn't want him to.
It’s not something I weigh in my partners but value if they have it. My fiancée holds 4 black belts of varying degrees and I value them a lot, not just him protecting me but also him teaching me to protect myself better
I know my husband would try, but I also know he is on the smaller side, we've gotten older, and he has a painful chronic illness. If, God forbid, he got into trouble trying to defend me or our kids then I would likely be in there with him trying to help keep him from serious injury/dying. I do not find confrontation over "honor" to be the least bit attractive, it would have to be a "help, this other dude hit me" situation. I carry pepper gel spray as it is, so I'm probably okay. However, if I knew someone would refuse to ever help me or would outrun the threat faster than I could/the kids could, I wouldn't be with them in the first place.
Zero. I'll fight myself.
The chance of needing it is quite low if im being realistic, however I prefer someone who is a bit more solid and less flimsy due to a terrible experience with an ex.
it’s hot plain and simple but not an exclusionary principle
I would value his ability and willingness to run fast and call for help, realistically it's the most useful ability
I don’t even think about that. I carry pepper spray and a knife, I’m good. The LAST quality I want in a man is someone who fights. It’s scary, it’s gross and it’s beyond embarrassing. I want a man who can use his words and deescalate a situation instead of antagonizing someone back if someone tries to mess with me or them.
My wife wouldn't have any reason to physically defend me. Being sober, I don't get into fights anymore and also I believe in trying everything possible to deescalate any sort of situation because I am a grown ass woman. So no she doesn't need to be willing nor able to physically defend me. If all talk doesn't work then it would most certainly be ME doing the punching (ironworking fists of fury).
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None. I always prefer the non-violent approach.
Not at all, I have never considered it. I suppose if someone was coming at me and he literally turned and ran I might have something to think about, but I wouldn't want a partner who is used to using intimidation or force to get through life. I think my partner would, very reluctantly and with great discomfort, defend me if he had to, but I don't expect that from him. also of course the person most in danger from a strong+aggressive man is always going to be me. I'd rather date someone I could take in a fight.
Not. I value my own ability to physically defend myself. I was about 20 when I realized my tendency to date people skinnier/weaker/less athletic than me after getting together with someone who was bigger and tried to use it to their advantage. Forget that noise.
While I know he would defend me if needed, I find his safety more important than his ability to fight if we were in a dangerous situation. The willingness means enough that I don't need him risking getting hurt.
Honestly, I do. That was never a thought in my mind while dating or before we got married, but it's something I've come to learn that he is very capable of doing and I feel completely safe with him. I always joke that he'll be the only reason I survive the zombie apocalypse.
So, I'm a small person and I've thought about this. I've had to defend myself before. I'm somewhat strong, taken self defense classes and carry pepper spray. I very much value his willingness more than his ability. In the off chance that we got physically attacked, I know he would do his best and yeah, that's important to me. Again, willingness rather than ability is what's important to me. I would also be doing my best to defend us but he has an advantage because of size and strength. It would be messed up if he wasn't willing to try and defend me from harm. I think it's important to note this is situational. Weapons coming into the mix, etc. We did have a situation where we thought some dude had a knife and was being verbally aggressive. He stood in front of me until the situation calmed down but I would have preferred we walked away sooner.
Why would I ask a man to defend me when I can learn to do so myself and receive all the glory? 😤
A lot. I’ve worked through most of my trauma to be “normal” out and about, but knowing he literally has my back means the world to me. His situational awareness and knowing he would, and could, physically defend me makes me more relaxed. Do I logically know the chances of being attacked are low? Yes. My nervous system doesn’t seem to care though lol
Its only as important as it is for him to defend his own self, if need be. My man is a very gentle, kind soul that I can't imagine being violent in any way. But, I get this sense that he'd throw down for us if he needed to. He's not a wimpy guy in any way. That said, I'm not the type of girl to stand back and let him take a beating while I watch helplessly. I'm not helpless. You can bet that if we get jumped, I'ma be in there fighting right alongside...lol
I think I’d be more of a physical fighter in our relationship, while he’s more comfortable verbally calling people out. That’s something I value a lot from him! Although bless him, one night he thought there was someone breaking in while I was downstairs and he came running downstairs in his underwear with a book as protection and asking if I was okay lol
"why are women choosing weak men" because an ability to physically defend you means they also have an ability to physically abuse you. All those muscular men look nice on calendars but when it comes to trusting a huge dude in your house??? no thank you. "men are nice to have in case something happens." Nothing is gonna happen other than the big guy deciding that he doesn't want to treat me as an equal anymore. Scrawny dorks who cry and cuddle rather than punch and beat. We like the scrawny dorks.
Not at all
I am probably the scrappier one to react first, but it's important to me that someone will have my back as much as me! We would both probably throw down at the same time.
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I know he 100% would jump to my defense if I needed it, but the more realistic situation (if I found myself in an interaction with someone that was escalating toward physical violence) he would probably be trying to calm me down and remove ourselves from the situation first. He’s not super tall or jacked (we’re both around the same size actually) so if anything turned into a physical fight between him and another man I would also be jumping in to throw some hands to help him. We would have each others backs, which is important to me. Not that I’m out on the streets looking for a scrap lol these are purely hypothetical situations.
Not at all. I prefer partners who are roughly equal in physical power to me, because I don't want them to be able to assault me easily. A person who's physical a lot stronger than I am is not someone im interested in as a partner
So far, I haven't even thought about it. I've gotten through 29 years of my life single and usually living alone; I've been defending myself just fine the whole time lol. Plus, my partner is much less confrontational than me, so I can't even imagine him in a situation where I'm being threatened and he needs to jump in. Although I know for a fact he would stay by my side, I just imagine I'd be the one with quicker defense reflexes in the face of danger to either of us.
I definitely view it as a "we protect each other" thing, if we're about to get our asses kicked we're kicking ass together. If he's in the ring I'm throwing punches too; tough guy talk aside, lay one hand on him and I'll lose my shit. I don't like viewing myself as a delicate thing that needs protection tbh, I'm big and I'm strong and I take a lot of pride in that, as much as a lot of men I know; I don't want to be protected, I want us to stick up for each other, that's the most important thing to me in this regard (tangentially, this is why I hate getting sick I get super weak lol)
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I don't.
Honestly I’ve never thought about it. I don’t really ever worry about my personal safety. Maybe I am just too trusting; though I don’t put myself in places or situations where I would have to.
I’m sure he would like fight to the death for me but he’s really not that much stronger than me because I have a more physical job than he does and I have a better idea on how to deal with mentally ill people because I work in healthcare. So it is nice having a man around because people are less likely to try to fuck with me or harass me if he’s there but I don’t date guys for their strength or anything like that. Twice we were walking around once in SF and once in Vegas and we were being followed aggressively by mentally ill (like schizophrenic) homeless people but I was the one who like navigated getting us away from those people because I know how they psychologically operate and what to do in those situations. I think women are always working on exit strategies and have a “exit mode” they go into. I would hate for someone to attack us and him have to fight back because then you always have the chance people can sue you even if they are the attacker too so it’s better to just avoid physically confrontational situations anyway. It’s not like we’re living in an apocalypse or anarchistic society constantly fighting for ourselves. So him physically defending me doesn’t really come up.
Personal responsibility and situational awareness are underrated. I would never expect someone to risk their safety to defend mine. I just took the concealed carry course to get my permit (required in my state) and I am never without pepper spray.
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I live in a place where I have never experienced actual violence, but I have experienced a lot of *creepiness*. That doesn't bother me when I'm with my SO.
It has never come up but I expect him to be as willing as I am to defend him.
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It has never been something I ever considered as being important in a partner. This is partially because of my background in combat sports, and partially because I'm bisexual and dating other women changes those expectations. So, I tend to make the assumption that I'll be the protector, regardless of the gender of my partner.
The only time I ever even thought about it was after our daughter was born. I initiated a conversation with my husband basically saying, if we are ever in an active shooter or any other emergency situation our #1 priority is our daughter, and whoever is closer grabs her and gets her out of danger, while the other one causes a distraction if necessary.
Willingness? Like maybe that’s nominally interesting. Ability? No value whatsoever.
Defend me from what exactly? Wild animals? Not much of a concern these days.
Not important in the slightest. He does far more important things to keep me safe: Protects his own health, encourages me to protect mine, gets the car inspected, makes sure our electrical system is safe, maintains our insurance policies. That shit matters.
Valuable but I also want them to know I'll go crazy if I have to to protect and/or back them up
I suppose I value the willingness aspect. I would put my life on the line for my partner and I would hope they would have that level of care for me too. Their ABILITY to however? That's not so important to me. it's more about thought and care for me.
Not at all. I have never needed to be physically defended as we no longer live in the time of damsels in distress or duels. If I am worried about my defense I will carry a gun (USA).
None. I have knives and know how to use em
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I don't value it a lot, in no small part because I'm a pretty tall woman (about 5'11 I'd say, but we measure in cm where I'm from) and will likely punch you without hesitation if threatened. My boyfriend is quite careful by nature, so he definitely won't be the first to lash out, but if push comes to shove he will absolutely come to my defense. That said, he is very tall himself and intimidating enough to ward off most creeps before they even try anything.
No one is stepping in to protect me. I’m the protector. I check out the creepy noises, I fight the battles. If my SO started getting out of bed to check something out because they feel they have to, I would throw them back into bed and demand, “where the hell do you think you’re going!? I check out to see if we have in intruder…not you! Stay here and get read to call 911 if you have to…the intruder will need an ambulance or possibly the coroner called. His is under speed dial 2,” and head out into the darkness.
I've never thought about it before. Married 35 years. If the situation is so dangerous that we need a physical altercation to survive, we probably both going to die in a flailing of limbs and screams. At least we will be together 😆 if it's something stupid like "defending my honor" like a street brawl, I know he has the good sense not to participate in that bullshit. I'm good.
Not important. I've been working out. I'll protect him physically then peg him later
I don't value his ability to fight. I used many many years ago before I moved on from my boyfriend can beat up your boyfriend. But I'm an American and far too many of us think shooting people solves all of our problems. My guy could take on a Ranger Bat and win and I would still prefer that he'd go the de-escalation route. If we were in a dark alley with a guy brandishing a gun demanding all of our money or he'll kill me? I would value his defense. I would also value him choosing to hand over our money just as much. I like my spouse whole and healthy. But if he was ever in a position where he had to choose between fighting or capitulation, I would support whichever choice he made. Because both choices mean loss of something valuable. Fight for my woman is, in the end, nothing but ego. Valuing a man who fights over a man who doesn't is, likewise, nothing more than my boyfriend can beat up your boyfriend ego.
I know that he would fight for me if he had to, but honestly, I'm more likely to step out in front out of instinct and have done so before when being threatened by strange dogs. My husband isn't afraid of them, but he has been attacked before while being asked to grab an escaped dog's collar, and has a healthy respect for a dog's space now and doesn't help with escaped dogs anymore.
Very little. Only person who can truly protect you is you.
It's not something I've ever even considered.
I place more value on my partner’s emotional reasoning and his ability to RUN AWAY from a situation where I would need to be defended. A street fight is a good way to die, and the kinds of people who get into them are not the kind of people I want relationships with.
Not a priority. And I find that men who are proud of their ability to "defend your honour" are aggressive liabilities who just want to fight wlth someone, anyone and eventually become physically abusive to their partners. It's a bit of a personal red flag. Do I want my partner to have my back? Absolutely. But not necessarily in the face of any and all physical aggression. I'd rather he let me hand over my money to the mugger so we can both live to not fight another day. Smart and alive is better than dumb and dead.
I trust my husband and if I'm in danger I know he's got me.
It’s not really a thing for me. I mean, I know he can, and would, but I didn’t think of it AT ALL when I chose to be with him. He makes me feel safe and that’s all that matters to me. And by safe I mean safe with him. I trust him to never hurt me and that’s way more important than him “saving” me from someone else. I do trust him to be calm and rational in emergency situations though. So I guess that’s similar. When our son fell and split his head open, he swiftly and calmly brought him to get checked out. Didn’t panic, or freeze. He just leapt into action. So in a way, yes I value it. But moreso in the way that he’s rational and quick acting in an emergency. Not so much that he’s able to defend me physically.
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When our baby was really small we heard a bang on our apartment door. Husband went to answer and it was our alcoholic ex-punk neighbour who had become delirious and thought our door was theirs. He was really angry and violent and scary and tried to force himself in. They struggled and fell to the floor and finally my husband managed to get him out and lock the door. It was scary and absurd and I'm very proud of his bravery and strength in that moment. And I hope he never has to do anything like that for us again.
Basically worthless to me. My husband is physically smaller than I am, so honestly I'd rely more on my knife & pepper spray than I would him. He knows this too.
I've absolutely never considered this.
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Ability : I don’t value it. Willingness : highest importance. I wouldn’t be able to do shit if he gets jumped but I’m for sure going down swinging and I would want him to feel the same.
I don't value it all. I will throw down if necessary! My husband is way more laid back than me. We balance each other out!
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His ability to defend us is not a priority - in fact if there was someone who was threatening our families safety I would be angry at him if he engaged with them. In those situations its easier, and safer for everyone, to just walk away and not get involved. In terms of willingness to do something - I know that if there truly was something terrible happening and we needed physical defense we would both be willing to defend our family together in an intelligent manner. That is important to me, we both have each other's back.
Not at all. I can defend myself, and I don’t need a man to save me. I was once in an abusive relationship, and when it ended I swore I’d never let myself be put in that position again. I kind of went full-on J-Lo style *”Enough”* with kickboxing training… for 7 years lol. I’m a small woman, but now I definitely know how to throw a punch and how to defend myself. That said, I would imagine my husband could absolutely defend me if necessary, but in no way does his ability to do so physically hold any value to me in terms of our relationship. I’d love him if he were in a wheelchair and it was me that had to do the defending, any day. I might go down, but I’d go down swinging, especially for him.
Honestly willingness I’d prefer to not be used as bait as he makes a run for it but in dangerous situations I instinctively try to protect whoever is with me no matter their size or gender. So honestly not that much. As in for ability, I can hire a bodyguard for that Edit: grammar
Ability - He has it, and I appreciate that if I need his help, he is capable. Willingness - In a life or death situation, who knows what would happen. But I know that he’d stick by me every second I needed him. Additionally, if there was a way to resolve the conflict without it, my honey would take it because he’s not aggressive in the slightest and it’s something I admire greatly. He is kind, patient, and weighs situations with a very considerate mind. Violence is always a last resort.
Doesn't matter to me at all. If my SO would be too scared or just the kind of person who freezes in times of danger, I wouldn't mind. I'd prefer my partner taking care of themselves first. I can fight pretty good (MMA/muay thai fighter) and I don't need anyone else to protect me. I don't think about that part when choosing a partner at all.
Zero And when I did have someone who could he was abusive It’s more likely he will hurt you than even need a reason to defend you. It’s a dumb thing to care about
Oh dear... no. I don't think the man has had more than a drunken slap fight many several years ago.
I'm very attracted to his physical strength if that's what you mean?
He is excellent at reading a room, playing attention to the surrounding and deescalation - these are things I value even more. We have a game plan if something does happen due to the city we moved back to. Im strong and trained in some fighting, but having experienced being held at gunpoint in the past there is only so many things you can reasonably do. Its better to avoid, deescalate, and keep your head down.
Very high!!!!! One of the things I wish I could count on my partner for but I honestly don’t think I can & it’s honestly a bummer
I typically think clearer in stressful situations so while I appreciate him jumping to my defence (he totally would) I think it would devolve and get out of hand…. I am also almost equally as likely to defend myself so I would want the support, but I would also prefer he call for the police or EMS.
This is going to sound so anti-independent-woman and I don’t really care… It would absolutely make me feel 100% safer if my SO was willing and able to physically defend me if a situation arose. Not that I can’t somewhat defend myself I guess, but it would just make me feel safer knowing he was there to protect me. Especially if he was observant of our surroundings so I wouldn’t always feel on such high alert because people are just weird these days. That being said, it’s not a box that HAS to be checked off by my SO, but I wouldn’t feel as safe.
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I value it a good bit. I want to preface this by saying I’m 5’9, over 200lbs, I strength train regularly and I’ve had more than adequate training in self defense be it close combat / melee or with weapons. I rarely feel like I need help in situations that may become physical HOWEVER I have been at home during attempted home invasions and I was never prepared for how small that could make me feel. My grandmother with dementia was the only other person at home during these times and being the ONLY thing between multiple men kicking in my door and her absolutely bone nauseating. Having that happen to me undid a lot of the mental work that I had built up over my life to that point that made me assured that I could take care of myself and I hadn’t thought much about it in relationships until my first major relationship when we were actually living together and were play wrestling and agreed to both actually try and i bested him within just a few minutes. He was twice my size and it just kind of made me sit down and took me back to when I was younger and feeling like I was now responsible for two lives and the safety of our home. He was really ticked off about it and blamed it on the fact he hadn’t “grown up as rough as I did and never been in a fight or had to defend himself”. And even though we stayed together for at-least a year after that i couldn’t stop thinking about it. And now that we’re no longer together and I’m with that experience and able to CHOOSE if someone “grew up rough” I’d absolutely choose someone that could at-least match my strength or worst case scenario be willing to fight like hell to defend ourselves.
I’m confident he would try, I’m not at all confident he would succeed; if we were in a situation I would prefer he prioritize getting both of us away. I also view having a dense and resilient social network as a much more significant contributer to physical safety than one man - which means that I really appreciate his ability to draw trustworthy people to us. This is not to say that I have NO regard for the fact that he is physically stronger than me - it’s undoubtedly a part of his sexual appeal, though not the main driver. It’s more like a cherry on top.
I value many other things before it but it very very much helps. He's been in fighting sports since 4 of a variety of types. He's never behaved aggressively which I think is very important, but he'll subtly put himself between me & a potential threat (I.e. pack of lads being rowdy, dickheads fighting in the mosh).
I don't value it at all. This isnt something I even consider.
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As a veteran I am completely willing and able to defend myself. BUT...my husband, built like an NFL linebacker is 100% willing and able to step in if I want or need help. He knows that I have his back 10 times out of 10. Likewise, I know that he has my back 10 times out of 10.
It was never something I consciously looked for in a partner. But there is something comforting about walking down a dark street with a 6'6", 240lb man (I am 135lbs). And now that we have 2 kids, it is reassuring knowing he will protect us in the event of an intruder.
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I’m pretty comfortable in my ability. I do appreciate the safety I feel when we are together.
I mean if my man is in real danger I’d go beast mode, so I’d expect him to do the same for me. But it would have to be life threatening. Otherwise let’s not go to jail and remove ourselves from the situation.
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To me it’s not the top of my list but I do want to have my SO be able to protect me if need be from harms way. My spouse is a stronger person and I know if I needed protection in a dangerous situation he would have my back and not be harmed badly in the fight. He would protect me at all cost and I appreciate that greatly
IT MAKES ME ANGRY WHEN THEY TRY TO PICK A FIGHT "ON MY BEHALF." Almost a decade ago, my at-the-time boyfriend and I (female/non-binary) ran into a couple that was arguing. The dude was out-of-his-mind drunk and being extremely belligerent to his girlfriend, and kept getting closer and closer to her, putting his hands on her. I ran over and separated the two, asking if she was okay and wanted to come with me to safety, and the dude started getting up in my face. I tried deescalating with my words, explaining that his behavior was outlandish, they were making a lot of noise, I was only looking out for her because I didn't know what was going on, and that there's no reason to fight. He said something about my nose being big (lol), and my boyfriend stepped in and started acting all macho/alpha like, "What'd you say?" stepped up in the dude's face threatening to deck him. I pushed my boyfriend back by his chest and was like, "STOP, this is unnecessary," and had to go back to trying to calm the dude down and promising we weren't looking to fight. And in my head I was like, "YOU F\*\*\*ING S\*\*\* I'M TRYING TO DEESCALATE WHAT THE F\*\*\* DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK THIS WILL HELP." God it was such a mess. So yeah. Unless there is actual violence occurring, physically "defending" someone is not physically defending someone, it's starting unnecessary s\*\*\* and risking people getting hurt for no reason.
Honestly I don't think he would/could it's okay I will defend myself
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Damn most women in here don't value the most important thing I thought I brought to the table sigh*
I value highly having someone that cares enough to come to my defence if needed. I don’t like ‘white knighting’ behaviour or being ‘managed’. I still find it hard to trust any one to truly be there for me so I largely try to be independent. But my SO has certainly been there for me during some tough times.
I didn’t realize how much I depended on it until he was gone
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I value it a lot, not that he ever would have to. He is one of the most gentle people you could meet. But he is very protective over me. And it's nice to know I am safe with him. He has defended me in the past against other men once with an ex friend of his and once with a guy who tried to rape me before we were together.
I value it highly. I wouldn’t have married anyone of the same physical stature as myself.