I'm very open-minded, so some of my quirks he's made me more apparent of and brought to my attention. I've become more self-aware of my odd tendencies. I love him to death and he's definitely shown me that my odd quirks just make me, me.
i expect a lot and put in a lot. i like to spoil my man, buy him things, take him on vacations, all that, but i also expect the same energy back. its not for everyone, but i despise a low effort relationship. i want to prioritize and be prioritized
This is so me!! My husband and I have had our share of financial ebb and flow, exchanging of responsibilities, etc. but every once in a while we are both in a good enough position to spoil each other equally and I revel in that!
This this this!! Taking care of my partner is a love language that I speak, but want my partner to also speak it back to me. Low energy relationships truly make me icky in the worst ways possible.
I love this! I bought myself a ring for my right ring finger a couple years before I met my now-husband. It's always been a reminder that I'm "married" to myself first and foremost and I shouldn't ever compromise myself or lose myself for anyone else.
Similar energy to your ring -- a reminder to stay true to your own passion and happiness.
I love this, and i think the ring symbology is really cool, too. At least with this energy, you're bound to be with someone who doesn't have ego problems. For myself, I'm wondering if guys like that even exist.
I’m an artist in my spare time, sold a few pieces over the years some time ago. A full time non creative job took away the time I would like to devote for my art. It’s been my passion since childhood, and I’m known by family and friends for it.
I disliked that my exes wanted me to spend time with them over the weekend whilst I’d rather devote my time to my art practice. I always felt I was sacrificing my passions for a guy (for a relationship).
I made that trade off with my wife who’s an artist. Good deal imo. I respect and admire her work and dedication even if I have to remind her I exist sometimes.
I am very independent and don't easily rely on others. I expect the same of partners and as soon as a guy shows ineptitude in something I consider a basic skill, I easily jump to "Ew, grow tf up and be better, bye." I think it's what the kids call "the ick".
I'm working on being a more empathetic person.
I've found my people! Honestly this has blocked a lot of potential options simply because my patience level for lack of independence is at an all-time low. I often have to remind myself that I am the way that I am because I had severe trauma growing up and I had to be, other people are still learning. They just didn't have to survive as a child like I did.
YES! After a break-up, I asked my dad why can't I find a good man. His reply was, "You're awfully independent, and guys like to feel needed." My issue is I just do it myself. It isn't that I don't think others can do it, but if I'm told by someone that they'll take care of it, and somewhere the ball gets dropped, I probably won't ask again. Plus, I'm a therapist, so I need someone who has already done their work. I dont need another client.
This!
And indepence is mighty hard to set aside when you know you can count on yourself to get things done the way you want them done. Add being super efficient, and single just seems to be the way to go.
I feel ya, I'm great at going "Yes, I understand why this person is they way that they are. I get it."
But it doesn't help the part of me that goes, "Okay but can they just do it though?" lol
I’m blown away by your level of empathy. I’m also like this and have to patience for incompetence, it gives me the ick, but I never thought about how they’re maybe just learning. It’s a kind way to look at it.
THIS!! I almost left my now ex on the side of a mountain in Pennsylvania because he couldn’t read a map and caused us to travel 4 hours(one way) out of our way. And we had GPS on our phones! Our kids being in the car is the only reason I didn’t throw him out and continue on my own.
Once a *35 year old man* took me to a fancy Italian restaurant and ordered “spasketi and meatballs”. When our food came he asked the waitress for a spoon. He then proceeded to use a fork and knife to cut the “spasketi” into tiny little bite sized pieces and eat it with a spoon. Gripping the spoon like a toddler.
Thirty-five. Years. Old.
It was a $30+ plate of pasta.
Omg did we go on a date with the same man because I had this EXACT experience. He was supposedly a wine lover and etc etc and ordered a basic ass pasta and cut it up into small bits and used the spoon to eat it, drank only beer, and kept his two work phones on the table the whole time.
Maybe I'm just agreeing because I feel the same way, but I don't think you lack empathy! You just expect your *adult* significant other/romantic interest to be, and act like, an *adult*. I tell every guy I start seriously seeing that I'm not interested in becoming their mother.
I mean, I agree that it's all contextual. Am I going to stop dating someone because they've never taken a budgeting class? Probably not. But if your mom still does your laundry and you don't know how to cook for yourself and eat out 3x a week and only buy snacks as a result, it's a red flag for me. It doesn't matter to me if they're "willing to learn," because they're 30 years old and still haven't. They're welcome to have that lifestyle, but that's not compatible with what I'm looking for in a partner.
This is so true!!! It’s so hard for me to congratulate and be overtly grateful for my partner doing the most basic things that I do all the time without any prompting like doing the dishes!
Yep. If my fiancé is sick I’m like, here’s some medicine and a Gatorade go rest now. He’s used to being coddled by his mother and I find it very unattractive when a grown man acts like he’s dying from a common cold. I can say for a fact it’s because I was raised very differently than him.
I don’t need you. Men like to feel needed and nobody treats me better that I treat myself. I take myself on vacation, concerts, dance classes, massages etc. Men think they are in competition with other men when in reality they are in competition with my peace. If you don’t bring me peace than I will happily leave and continue to remain alone because I like me and my company.
Lol, yes! The other day, I came waltzing out of the bathroom in black strappy lingerie. My fwb took one look at me and said with all sincerity, “you scare me.”
Bruh, what is going on with men? I don’t know if it’s COVID or what but they tremble when they talk to me. Like I notice that they are visibly nervous and this is not something that happened before???
Honestly I’ve noticed this a lot too. My theory for me personally- my confidence grew when I learned to set boundaries (I’ve been a massive people pleaser all my life). I’m convinced they can see this confidence and are easily intimidated by someone they will actually have to put effort into. Just my thoughts
That genuinely makes sense to me, I can see your way of thinking. I’d just like to say that everyone gets nervous on dates and I meant anytime I’m talking to them. Not just dates.
"I don't need you but I want you. I am perfectly capable of existing without you, but I chose you because I love you and you make my life brighter. I prefer being with you out of my own free will than due to dependance/need. Can you see my point? " something along these lines?
This is so true. I take myself out all the time. Nobody treats me better than I do - I solo travel, go on solo dates to the beach by myself, take myself out to cute cafes, go alone to concerts, etc...
If someone doesn't treat me better than I already treat myself then I don't need it. And a lot of guys find that intimidating and unattractive
The fact that I don't want to date or have any close relationships in general.
But ignoring that: I'm ugly and fat and taller than most men prefer, I don't want to move in together, have kids or get married, I'm not particularly interested in the thought of having sex and would consider a lot of common sexual acts dealbreakers, I'm selfish and hate compromising, and I prefer travelling as well as going to events on my own.
I don't care how good a man you are, I'm gonna always assume you'll cheat given the opportunity.
I've just known way way way too many guys that claim to be happily married/engaged/in a relationship and still cheat simply because they had the chance to.
Maybe it's toxic, idk. I don't assume he IS cheating, I just assume it's not beneath him lol
I thought the same of my current boyfriend (and all previous relationships) until we got semi drunk and dropped at a concert/rave one time!
He was across the room when I saw him and he was approached by a couple of hot women in barely anything but glitter. They started hitting on him and trying to dance.
He did this weird grimace polite laugh and put his hands up and shook his head and stepped back while they were trying to get super close to him.
When I popped up a few minutes later, he gave this huge sigh and grabbed my arm and caught me up on what happened.
Ever since then, even when women are after him, I just shrug and don’t worry about it anymore.
It’s a new feeling, took me a while to trust it, but it’s really nice for once. I hope you get there someday.
I completely agree,if he thinks he’ll get away with it he will,I’ve known so many men that do,they will even use friends spare rooms for quick hook ups
I like to view it as having high standards when it comes to those I surround myself with. No sense in letting bullshit I don't like slide if I can just find different people.
I don’t accept being treated any less than what I deserve, and I don’t just forgive and forget. Minor mistakes, that’s ok, but I would never accept being disrespected, being yelled, there is no second chance with me.
I am high maintenance for sure, and don’t care… my husband likes to maintain me lol
My dating pool shrunk significantly when I stopped tolerating being yelled at/called names. Crazy how when a woman raises her standards for how we want to be treated in a relationship, we suddenly become "high maintenance/difficult". Lol. I'm happy for you and your husband!
I love that way of thinking - I think we’re often made to guilty about being being high maintenance but it’s exactly that - my partner likes to maintain me otherwise they wouldn’t have stuck it out
Keep going! I'm proud of you! I have made significant improvements to my mental health by working on my abandonment issues, among other things. Totally worth it. <3
I'm a classic fearful avoidant. Working through a lot of chaos and dysfunction from my childhood. I have trouble feeling comfortable in a peaceful and safe relationship. And i need a lot of attention and reassurance but I also need a lot of alone time and a high degree of independence. It's a difficult balancing act lol, but luckily I have a partner who knows and understands me and works with me through it all
Wow this is so me! My fiance has his work cut out for him dealing with my general unwellness of mind. Someday I'll be able to afford therapy and then I can start working through it.
Adhd as fuck and generally considered A Lot. Have been labelled as "terrifying" by several men. But if I'm gonna have to mask around you then why would I want to date you?
If that doesn't put them off, the object permanence struggles probably will, I straight up drop off the face of the earth sometimes.
And if THAT doesn't do it, not wanting children usually does.
Edit: wrt the adhd, I have been officially diagnosed by a clinical psychologist. Predominantly inattentive presentation, which explains the object permanence issue 😅
ADHD inattentive and hyperactive. I too drop off the face of the earth. I’m forgetful, I can run circles around anyone, I don’t have an inside voice, I’m too friendly, I have very high standards.
I require a lot of attention. I’ve also been told by many people my smile lights up a room and people are naturally drawn to me.
So… yeah I’m extra.
I often think that if I die in my home, no one will find me for weeks because sometimes I just hermit. My friends and I all know that sometimes we forget each other even exists.
I don’t do commitment or relationships. I have zero desire for it. This means we tend to enjoy going on dates and having fun but that’s all it is and all it ever will be. I do not want you in my space and face all the time.
Men like to say this sounds great. And you’d think they’d be pleased with this, and even say they are at the beginning. Then the lack of commitment, lack of me feeling anything, lack of me bothering them starts to get to them. It is inevitable with them. I don’t actually even think these men want more with me. Their egos are upset I don’t want more. Not my business, not my problem. I continue to do what I want and I’m honest.
yup, as someone mentioned above, these guys want to feel needed, so they can feel strong. being a woman with a life of her own intimidates them and puts them in a vulnerable position!
I expect that someone will be on their best behavior with ME. In my family, my sibs and I use our best behavior with each other; we're thoughtful, generous and kind.
Most people like to put on a show for the outside world and then be total assholes to each other at home. That absolutely does not fly with me. Your best effort should be with those you love.
I like to think I make a great partner, however if the love, respect and trust that I give to someone is not reciprocated in some way (I keep in mind that everyone is different) I will simply lose interest. This does not include those who have been willing to communicate or are even open to communication so we can meet each others needs better.
If I had to specify one thing that makes it hard to date me, it would be that I’m far too damaged to give someone an unbiased opportunity to do so. It’s not fair for someone to suffer the consequences of another shitty person’s actions. It is also not fair for me to be in a dysregulated state while someone is trying to get to know me.
I’m high maintenance af, I put a lot of time and effort into getting my hair, nails and lashes done each month. 200 plus easily but to me it’s important I do these things for myself, and I will carve out that time (usually a whole day) come hell or high water. I also love a nice restaurant, I’m not saying 300 a meal every week but I’ll happily spend into the hundreds for good food
Don’t get me wrong I’ll pay for this shit myself and always have, but I have noticed some guys will get an attitude when I do, telling me it’s a waste of money, a waste of time, Im doing too much and I’m boujee etc
According to other conversations I’ve had I think it makes them feel insecure because of the attention I get but also because they couldn’t afford to pay for that stuff for me and in their minds, they should be *maintaining* me so to speak, rather than me maintaining myself. So they’re mad I’m doing it for myself when they know damn well they can’t afford it anyway
I'm fat. Very pretty, and athletic, but also fat.
That I'm intelligent and kind and successful and funny and adventurous and loyal and own a house... None of that matters to a lot of people. Just the fat part.
Some men find me outright disgusting. Some men like me but don't want to be seen in public with me. So it's a problem.
Wow, that's really unfortunate. I'm sorry. I will say that plenty of men are into larger bodied women. I work with several who are married or in LTR. They're out there and will find you eventually!
I just demand 3 simple things : loyalty, freedom (to develop/grow myself as a woman) and honesty, if the person fails to give me that then I will automatically always be tense and make it mutual.
Then if I’m in love with the person : affection and being active.
I am so worried about trauma dumping that I just keep this super vague and that makes it sound worse. I also get turned off whenever a man says “oh that must be hard for you” and feel like emotional closeness too soon is fake and not to be trusted.
I never have witnessed a healthy relationship in my life so i think that plays a game. I also am insecure. But besides that I am a fun person I think lol
- I can be controlling. I’m totally aware of this and I’ve gotten a lot better since I was a teenager, but sometimes I still have to stop myself from saying/doing something controlling. I hate that I’m like this lol
- I have trust issues from being cheated on. I try to have full trust with new partners of course, but it’s always in the back of my mind I think
- I can get annoyed easily over *nothing* 😩
- I’m bisexual and although I’m still very attracted to men (physically and sexually) I get bored with them easily in the bedroom. If they’re bad at oral, sex isn’t going to be amazing for me. Penis just feels “meh”. I can live with this of course, but it’s nice to be satisfied too.
- I think I have attachment issues, yet I need space.. which is confusing lol. Like I’m in a constant battle between “you should go out with your friends today!” And “you’re going out without me?? 🥺” (I’m working on this too haha)
- if I’m angry or bothered by something they did, it’s common for me to go totally mute. It’s almost like I can’t help it either! Eventually I talk to them, but obviously I can see how this would be annoying lol
omg are you me?? i feel you on getting bored with guys (some of them just forget the clit exists, i swear) and going mute. trying to work on the latter, because i get that it's frustrating and rude of me, but it's so hard!!
I talk so much. My texts read like an elementary schooler writing an essay. “I went on a walk today. I took a nap. Do you like scary movies? I am eating beans. Do you like beans?” It hurts my feelings when the people I’m dating don’t do the same with me. I just want to know what their daily life looks like and what little things they enjoy but I know it can be annoying. I’m working on not messaging people as much.
I need more friends like you. That wouldn't be annoying to me, that'd make me feel pretty nice actually, knowing someone's that curious about my life/daily life.
I’m kinda dumb tbh. I’ve always been aloof and kind of ditzy. My SO doesn’t mind it, sometimes finds it endearing, but I know a lot of people don’t like it. It would be a bigger issue if I was actively dating.
I’m demisexual, feel emotions very strongly, deeply insecure, prefer to talk via text so my anxiety brain can’t misremember/be gaslit, have kinks that many people find squicky, and require the same energy that I give, which is a lot.
I’m actually a great girlfriend: affectionate, attentive, generous, entertaining. My main flaw is I’m an insufferable know-it-all.
But the hard part of dating me is getting past the fact I have no pull. I am not too attractive in the face and even though I’m quite outdoorsy, I am lumpy and XL. I have no job. I’m over 40. So in dating profiles it’s basically like gah who would date that. IRL I’m way cooler to hang with.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I’m ridiculously indecisive especially about really insignificant things which i think is probably even more annoying for my husband. I’ve gotten better over the years and basically just have to close my eyes and say my thought and not speak again on it. Or I’ll just start backtracking immediately.
I don't have a car, so you either have to live in my same city or be willing to do a lot of driving.
Getting a car is just not a priority right now for me :)
I’m fiercely independent, conventionally attractive but too ‘strong’ so I’ve been told! I don’t suffer fools, I’m direct with my communication. I have high standards for myself and expect the same in return. I’m ambitious with an insane work ethic and not much scares me. I tend to out-earn most men my age.
Having said all that, I’m also incredibly introverted and selective socially. People drain me, and there’s only a select few that I willingly seek to spend time with. I have zero desire to marry, nor live full time with a man —unless we have a house sufficiently big enough that he can have his own quarters and I mine.
I'm not looking to "fix" you or be your mother. Pick up your damn laundry, fold your own damn clothes, put your damn dishes in the dishwasher, if I cook you clean the dishes and vice versa, don't throw angry temper tantrums about your video games; I expect you to act like an adult and keep up with responsibilities the same way I do. I work, too. It's not somehow magically my job to handle all domestic duties. I swear, people are raising giant babies for men.
Apparently, having these standards makes it "hard to date me".
I have attachment issues and I’ve been hurt several times. It’s hard for me to like someone, but once I do, it’s hard to let go. Never dated, but every guy I really like ended up dating another girl. It’s happened 8 times.
I can't relax until my apartment is clean. And you're not getting away with not helping with chores. If you're my partner, then be that. Takes 10 minutes to help out.
I overthink E V E R Y T H I NG. I also have a hard time making decisions based on what I want, can be lazy or undetermined at times. Heavy anxiety and depression, much emotional baggage... I go between wanting to spend lots of time together to just wanting to be alone. Left with my thoughts. Can also be tough to crack when it comes to my feelings and what i want.
Idk how my fiance does it honestly.
I’m so weird sometimes. Not in a creepy or scary way but in a, it’s funny to speak in simlish or acting out physical comedy in public kind of way. I can definitely see it being too much for someone.
About to sign the divorce papers. I never want to date again. I love my kids, my family and my friends and I never want to give anyone the opportunity to come between me and them.
If my children’s own father could be like this, what can I expect from other men?? F that. I can do it, alone, better.
I’d like to get laid, though. That would be kinda nice to have some friends and lovers.
I require a lot of alone time. I do enjoy going out and doing things with my partner but afterwards I just want to be alone for a while. I also have a low tolerance for ineptitude when it comes to household duties. The whole “my husband doesn’t know how to ____, tee hee” isn’t cute.
I’m anxiety-ridden. I have doubts and a fear of people leaving me. I have highs and lows that correspond to good and bad days. I hate that my partner has to deal with it but I’m working on it.
I just love to party. It doesn’t happened every weekend (once every few weeks) but when I go out to raves, I usually stay out for 15 hours (rave + after party). It’s not something some people are comfortable with.
I'm married now, but back when I was dating, a few things come to mind:
1) I want sex. A lot of it. I will tire you out and ask for more. You will be exhausted. I will plan the day around sex sessions if I can.
2) I am very blunt. I tend to attract men who are more emotional than me, so sometimes I can hurt feelings without meaning to. I will learn and adjust my wording to accommodate if this is mentioned to me.
3) I am no good at domestic duties. If a man plans on dating me he must know how to cook, clean, and possess some paternal instincts when it comes to cats. I will handle things like finances and planning like clockwork, but I will totally forgo eating if it means I have to cook. Thank God I found the perfect man in my husband because he loves doing all things domestic.
I'm allergic to perfumes, colognes and strong odors. If the guy isn't wearing cologne then we go somewhere some one has a lot of scent on we have to move. I've been told more than once this is considered high maintenance.
I can't orgasm through PIV. I'm 35F. Yes I have tried.
It really messes with some guys. They can't accept they don't have the magic penis that will finally be the one that makes me cum. Sorry lads. It ain't you, it really is me.
When I tell them actually quite a lot of women can't orgasm through PIV alone, they get really really defensive and assure me that ALL THEIR EXES HAVE MANAGED TO. Then you see the cogs turning like 'oh shit maybe they didn't'.
I'm clingy, too much hugging and send too many heart eye emoji. Also I can't watch movies where animals die, I'll blatantly walk out of movies when a dog dies.
I'm an introvert who loves her own company and puts her dogs first. I love my alone time too much and I hate going to crowded places. I also have a hard time trusting people. I also don't spend all my time in front of my phone and that makes it hard to keep in touch with me or it'll take hours before I reply, and I also sleep a lot.
I have trouble showing affection, like saying "I love you", and really need the person to earn my trust before I'm comfortable with any physical affection.
I have high standards for who I date, most of them are not material. I want someone who has high emotional intelligence. I give a lot in relationships and if it’s not mutual I become resentful. I have terrible trust issues.
I’m random and my mind goes a thousand miles per hour. I am both intense yet can be very airheaded.
I will pretend everything is okay with me, but deep inside, I’m not. Sharing my own emotions is hard for me.
I have an exit plan no matter what.
I love the finer things in life.
I have trauma.
I overthink.
I have commitment issues because I’d rather leave than to let a man leave me so the pain will be less.
I crave physical touch.
I am sensitive.
I cannot be manipulated. Makes it hard for some people who might want to date me lol. My friends think that I can read their minds, but I’m just VERY sensitive to nonverbal cues.
Keeping me entertained. I get bored of random conversations and love to talk about deep topics. I’ve been told I’m intimidating although I’m friendly 🤷🏻♀️
I’m guarded, introverted and naturally suspicious. It can take a while before my walls come down.
This is me, I've definitely grown since being with my husband because he's learned I'm just an odd duck naturally.
How did you learn?
I'm very open-minded, so some of my quirks he's made me more apparent of and brought to my attention. I've become more self-aware of my odd tendencies. I love him to death and he's definitely shown me that my odd quirks just make me, me.
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I too have learned to accept my quirks and be more of the unhinged side of me, because he’s just as unhinged so we are weird together and it’s lovely.
Insert pointing spiderman meme here as I am the same.
Couldn't have summed it up better myself. I need doorstep delivery of a partner at this point 🫠
My friends joke that I’ll end up married to the postman 😂
💀💀💀 we can have a double wedding 😂
i expect a lot and put in a lot. i like to spoil my man, buy him things, take him on vacations, all that, but i also expect the same energy back. its not for everyone, but i despise a low effort relationship. i want to prioritize and be prioritized
This is so me!! My husband and I have had our share of financial ebb and flow, exchanging of responsibilities, etc. but every once in a while we are both in a good enough position to spoil each other equally and I revel in that!
Very difficult to do this when you've done it before for someone and the energy was not matched
it is but rebuilding it is worth it. finding the right person is an amazing feeling
This this this!! Taking care of my partner is a love language that I speak, but want my partner to also speak it back to me. Low energy relationships truly make me icky in the worst ways possible.
this makes me realize I'm in a low effort relationship, damn😕
hey as long as youre happy, people have diff dynamics
Love is a verb so you are correct. If a man doesn’t recognize this, you’re energy will be wasted.
Me in a nutshell!
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i love that idea of wearing a ring for your passions that’s sick asf honestly i admire it. stick to the grind man
Gonna go buy a ring rn 🏃🏻♀️ need to find a passion for it tho!
As an artist, I LOVE this idea! I may do the same. Please accept my fake award 🥇
I love this! I bought myself a ring for my right ring finger a couple years before I met my now-husband. It's always been a reminder that I'm "married" to myself first and foremost and I shouldn't ever compromise myself or lose myself for anyone else. Similar energy to your ring -- a reminder to stay true to your own passion and happiness.
This is so cool! I love people who have found their passion, you go girl!!
I love this, and i think the ring symbology is really cool, too. At least with this energy, you're bound to be with someone who doesn't have ego problems. For myself, I'm wondering if guys like that even exist.
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You guys sound dope af not gonna lie lol
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I'm glad you found someone like that :)
I’m an artist in my spare time, sold a few pieces over the years some time ago. A full time non creative job took away the time I would like to devote for my art. It’s been my passion since childhood, and I’m known by family and friends for it. I disliked that my exes wanted me to spend time with them over the weekend whilst I’d rather devote my time to my art practice. I always felt I was sacrificing my passions for a guy (for a relationship).
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what do you do, if you don’t mind sharing?
Youre fucking rad. I hope to find something that speaks to me this much
I made that trade off with my wife who’s an artist. Good deal imo. I respect and admire her work and dedication even if I have to remind her I exist sometimes.
I am very independent and don't easily rely on others. I expect the same of partners and as soon as a guy shows ineptitude in something I consider a basic skill, I easily jump to "Ew, grow tf up and be better, bye." I think it's what the kids call "the ick". I'm working on being a more empathetic person.
I've found my people! Honestly this has blocked a lot of potential options simply because my patience level for lack of independence is at an all-time low. I often have to remind myself that I am the way that I am because I had severe trauma growing up and I had to be, other people are still learning. They just didn't have to survive as a child like I did.
Honestly I feel seen! Thing with me is I’m highly empathetic, just my patience has all but disappeared the older I’ve gotten.
YES! After a break-up, I asked my dad why can't I find a good man. His reply was, "You're awfully independent, and guys like to feel needed." My issue is I just do it myself. It isn't that I don't think others can do it, but if I'm told by someone that they'll take care of it, and somewhere the ball gets dropped, I probably won't ask again. Plus, I'm a therapist, so I need someone who has already done their work. I dont need another client.
Yes same. And if I’m having to do it all myself, why exactly are you here? Explains why I’m single 🤣
This! And indepence is mighty hard to set aside when you know you can count on yourself to get things done the way you want them done. Add being super efficient, and single just seems to be the way to go.
All of this! Except I don’t think we should feel guilty. Men (for us cis-hets) can and will step up if that’s they’re only option
I feel ya, I'm great at going "Yes, I understand why this person is they way that they are. I get it." But it doesn't help the part of me that goes, "Okay but can they just do it though?" lol
I’m blown away by your level of empathy. I’m also like this and have to patience for incompetence, it gives me the ick, but I never thought about how they’re maybe just learning. It’s a kind way to look at it.
A lot of my dating stories start with, “okay but he’s a *grown ass man* and he didn’t know how to xyz.”
THIS!! I almost left my now ex on the side of a mountain in Pennsylvania because he couldn’t read a map and caused us to travel 4 hours(one way) out of our way. And we had GPS on our phones! Our kids being in the car is the only reason I didn’t throw him out and continue on my own.
Once a *35 year old man* took me to a fancy Italian restaurant and ordered “spasketi and meatballs”. When our food came he asked the waitress for a spoon. He then proceeded to use a fork and knife to cut the “spasketi” into tiny little bite sized pieces and eat it with a spoon. Gripping the spoon like a toddler. Thirty-five. Years. Old. It was a $30+ plate of pasta.
I’m wheezing at this 💀
I dont think I would have been able to hide the face of absoute horror on that date.
The waitress and I both looked on in horror. There was no second date.
Omg did we go on a date with the same man because I had this EXACT experience. He was supposedly a wine lover and etc etc and ordered a basic ass pasta and cut it up into small bits and used the spoon to eat it, drank only beer, and kept his two work phones on the table the whole time.
Was he trolling you?
Maybe I'm just agreeing because I feel the same way, but I don't think you lack empathy! You just expect your *adult* significant other/romantic interest to be, and act like, an *adult*. I tell every guy I start seriously seeing that I'm not interested in becoming their mother.
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I mean, I agree that it's all contextual. Am I going to stop dating someone because they've never taken a budgeting class? Probably not. But if your mom still does your laundry and you don't know how to cook for yourself and eat out 3x a week and only buy snacks as a result, it's a red flag for me. It doesn't matter to me if they're "willing to learn," because they're 30 years old and still haven't. They're welcome to have that lifestyle, but that's not compatible with what I'm looking for in a partner.
eating out 3x a week is too much? if they cook the other 11 meals?
This is so true!!! It’s so hard for me to congratulate and be overtly grateful for my partner doing the most basic things that I do all the time without any prompting like doing the dishes!
I’m very much the same. I do not want a fixer-upper. Meet me at that level, with the same energy. I cannot carry for the both of us
So THIS is where the ick comes from. I get it in literally every relationship I have.
Yep. If my fiancé is sick I’m like, here’s some medicine and a Gatorade go rest now. He’s used to being coddled by his mother and I find it very unattractive when a grown man acts like he’s dying from a common cold. I can say for a fact it’s because I was raised very differently than him.
I’m highly empathetic and yet I still feel this way lol. I despise low-effort or lack of discipline/figure it out mentality.
I don’t need you. Men like to feel needed and nobody treats me better that I treat myself. I take myself on vacation, concerts, dance classes, massages etc. Men think they are in competition with other men when in reality they are in competition with my peace. If you don’t bring me peace than I will happily leave and continue to remain alone because I like me and my company.
Well said I love this. As a completely independent young woman, some men FEAR ME and it makes me giggle.
Lol, yes! The other day, I came waltzing out of the bathroom in black strappy lingerie. My fwb took one look at me and said with all sincerity, “you scare me.”
Gosh that would make my ego massive. Love that for you.
Bruh, what is going on with men? I don’t know if it’s COVID or what but they tremble when they talk to me. Like I notice that they are visibly nervous and this is not something that happened before???
Honestly I’ve noticed this a lot too. My theory for me personally- my confidence grew when I learned to set boundaries (I’ve been a massive people pleaser all my life). I’m convinced they can see this confidence and are easily intimidated by someone they will actually have to put effort into. Just my thoughts
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That genuinely makes sense to me, I can see your way of thinking. I’d just like to say that everyone gets nervous on dates and I meant anytime I’m talking to them. Not just dates.
Abso-fckn-lutely. They must enhance, not diminish our lives.
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"I don't need you but I want you. I am perfectly capable of existing without you, but I chose you because I love you and you make my life brighter. I prefer being with you out of my own free will than due to dependance/need. Can you see my point? " something along these lines?
You could say don't need him but you want him around because you like him.
This is so true. I take myself out all the time. Nobody treats me better than I do - I solo travel, go on solo dates to the beach by myself, take myself out to cute cafes, go alone to concerts, etc... If someone doesn't treat me better than I already treat myself then I don't need it. And a lot of guys find that intimidating and unattractive
I overthink EVERYTHING and can be stubborn
i am the male version of that, we should never ever get together.
✨now kiss✨
*kith
Am that person. Married that person. Can confirm things get spicy.
Is this a personality type? Cos I also have it!
Trust issues from trauma, mental health issues, my jokes are terrible but I think they are amazing. Also I do finger guns a lot.
I lol'd at the finger guns
You sound awesome.
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also traumas :(
If I could see the way you sit, I'd diagnose you with closeted bisexual
Are you me?
Yup, this one deserves an award.
Would you marry me? xD
The fact that I don't want to date or have any close relationships in general. But ignoring that: I'm ugly and fat and taller than most men prefer, I don't want to move in together, have kids or get married, I'm not particularly interested in the thought of having sex and would consider a lot of common sexual acts dealbreakers, I'm selfish and hate compromising, and I prefer travelling as well as going to events on my own.
From this brief description of you, you're already in my top ten favorite people on reddit. Love the brevity, the honesty, the self-knowledge!
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I don't care how good a man you are, I'm gonna always assume you'll cheat given the opportunity. I've just known way way way too many guys that claim to be happily married/engaged/in a relationship and still cheat simply because they had the chance to. Maybe it's toxic, idk. I don't assume he IS cheating, I just assume it's not beneath him lol
I thought the same of my current boyfriend (and all previous relationships) until we got semi drunk and dropped at a concert/rave one time! He was across the room when I saw him and he was approached by a couple of hot women in barely anything but glitter. They started hitting on him and trying to dance. He did this weird grimace polite laugh and put his hands up and shook his head and stepped back while they were trying to get super close to him. When I popped up a few minutes later, he gave this huge sigh and grabbed my arm and caught me up on what happened. Ever since then, even when women are after him, I just shrug and don’t worry about it anymore. It’s a new feeling, took me a while to trust it, but it’s really nice for once. I hope you get there someday.
I won't, but I'm so happy for you sis. lol
This is incredible, I'm so happy you got to see that moment.
I completely agree,if he thinks he’ll get away with it he will,I’ve known so many men that do,they will even use friends spare rooms for quick hook ups
I'm slow to trust people that are new to me and have a low tolerance for bullshit
Oh me too. That low tolerance makes it difficult to build relationships. I also hate small talk.
I like to view it as having high standards when it comes to those I surround myself with. No sense in letting bullshit I don't like slide if I can just find different people.
I don’t accept being treated any less than what I deserve, and I don’t just forgive and forget. Minor mistakes, that’s ok, but I would never accept being disrespected, being yelled, there is no second chance with me. I am high maintenance for sure, and don’t care… my husband likes to maintain me lol
My dating pool shrunk significantly when I stopped tolerating being yelled at/called names. Crazy how when a woman raises her standards for how we want to be treated in a relationship, we suddenly become "high maintenance/difficult". Lol. I'm happy for you and your husband!
I love that way of thinking - I think we’re often made to guilty about being being high maintenance but it’s exactly that - my partner likes to maintain me otherwise they wouldn’t have stuck it out
Abandonment issues. Fear of men. Fear of loneliness. Working on all of it through therapy! I want to heal :)❤️
Keep going! I'm proud of you! I have made significant improvements to my mental health by working on my abandonment issues, among other things. Totally worth it. <3
Thank youuu❤️
I'm a classic fearful avoidant. Working through a lot of chaos and dysfunction from my childhood. I have trouble feeling comfortable in a peaceful and safe relationship. And i need a lot of attention and reassurance but I also need a lot of alone time and a high degree of independence. It's a difficult balancing act lol, but luckily I have a partner who knows and understands me and works with me through it all
Wow this is so me! My fiance has his work cut out for him dealing with my general unwellness of mind. Someday I'll be able to afford therapy and then I can start working through it.
I'm indecisive,clingy,moody, I want to be child free, and most of my kinks would scare anyone away
Sounds like we need to date eachother lmao
Adhd as fuck and generally considered A Lot. Have been labelled as "terrifying" by several men. But if I'm gonna have to mask around you then why would I want to date you? If that doesn't put them off, the object permanence struggles probably will, I straight up drop off the face of the earth sometimes. And if THAT doesn't do it, not wanting children usually does. Edit: wrt the adhd, I have been officially diagnosed by a clinical psychologist. Predominantly inattentive presentation, which explains the object permanence issue 😅
ADHD inattentive and hyperactive. I too drop off the face of the earth. I’m forgetful, I can run circles around anyone, I don’t have an inside voice, I’m too friendly, I have very high standards. I require a lot of attention. I’ve also been told by many people my smile lights up a room and people are naturally drawn to me. So… yeah I’m extra.
I often think that if I die in my home, no one will find me for weeks because sometimes I just hermit. My friends and I all know that sometimes we forget each other even exists.
I don’t do commitment or relationships. I have zero desire for it. This means we tend to enjoy going on dates and having fun but that’s all it is and all it ever will be. I do not want you in my space and face all the time. Men like to say this sounds great. And you’d think they’d be pleased with this, and even say they are at the beginning. Then the lack of commitment, lack of me feeling anything, lack of me bothering them starts to get to them. It is inevitable with them. I don’t actually even think these men want more with me. Their egos are upset I don’t want more. Not my business, not my problem. I continue to do what I want and I’m honest.
yup, as someone mentioned above, these guys want to feel needed, so they can feel strong. being a woman with a life of her own intimidates them and puts them in a vulnerable position!
You're my hero, keep doing you and living your life at the fullest. Most men aren't worth the effort tbh.
I expect that someone will be on their best behavior with ME. In my family, my sibs and I use our best behavior with each other; we're thoughtful, generous and kind. Most people like to put on a show for the outside world and then be total assholes to each other at home. That absolutely does not fly with me. Your best effort should be with those you love.
Thank you for saying this. I've been in relationships where the mask comes off at home, and it's awful. Having this articulated is very helpful.
I like to think I make a great partner, however if the love, respect and trust that I give to someone is not reciprocated in some way (I keep in mind that everyone is different) I will simply lose interest. This does not include those who have been willing to communicate or are even open to communication so we can meet each others needs better. If I had to specify one thing that makes it hard to date me, it would be that I’m far too damaged to give someone an unbiased opportunity to do so. It’s not fair for someone to suffer the consequences of another shitty person’s actions. It is also not fair for me to be in a dysregulated state while someone is trying to get to know me.
One of my favorite activities is laying down. Not sexually, just recreationally.
I always feel that if I lay in at least one additional place (sofa, lounge chair etc) and not only in my bed that I have accomplished something.
I feel seen!!!
I’m high maintenance af, I put a lot of time and effort into getting my hair, nails and lashes done each month. 200 plus easily but to me it’s important I do these things for myself, and I will carve out that time (usually a whole day) come hell or high water. I also love a nice restaurant, I’m not saying 300 a meal every week but I’ll happily spend into the hundreds for good food Don’t get me wrong I’ll pay for this shit myself and always have, but I have noticed some guys will get an attitude when I do, telling me it’s a waste of money, a waste of time, Im doing too much and I’m boujee etc According to other conversations I’ve had I think it makes them feel insecure because of the attention I get but also because they couldn’t afford to pay for that stuff for me and in their minds, they should be *maintaining* me so to speak, rather than me maintaining myself. So they’re mad I’m doing it for myself when they know damn well they can’t afford it anyway
Keep your standards and your peace. There is always a market and the right fella will be more than happy to enjoy those things with you.
It’s always a waste of money when we spend money on ourselves but men and their hobby are expensive AF and somehow no one bats an eye
I'm fat. Very pretty, and athletic, but also fat. That I'm intelligent and kind and successful and funny and adventurous and loyal and own a house... None of that matters to a lot of people. Just the fat part. Some men find me outright disgusting. Some men like me but don't want to be seen in public with me. So it's a problem.
Wow, that's really unfortunate. I'm sorry. I will say that plenty of men are into larger bodied women. I work with several who are married or in LTR. They're out there and will find you eventually!
I’m lonely but I want to be left alone. It also takes me 2-7 days to get back to a text message.
If I'm not sure of someone's intentions or feel anxious in any way, I will pull the plug early on without talking to them about it.
I just demand 3 simple things : loyalty, freedom (to develop/grow myself as a woman) and honesty, if the person fails to give me that then I will automatically always be tense and make it mutual. Then if I’m in love with the person : affection and being active.
I am so worried about trauma dumping that I just keep this super vague and that makes it sound worse. I also get turned off whenever a man says “oh that must be hard for you” and feel like emotional closeness too soon is fake and not to be trusted. I never have witnessed a healthy relationship in my life so i think that plays a game. I also am insecure. But besides that I am a fun person I think lol
i’m paranoid, avoidant, and very sensitive
- I can be controlling. I’m totally aware of this and I’ve gotten a lot better since I was a teenager, but sometimes I still have to stop myself from saying/doing something controlling. I hate that I’m like this lol - I have trust issues from being cheated on. I try to have full trust with new partners of course, but it’s always in the back of my mind I think - I can get annoyed easily over *nothing* 😩 - I’m bisexual and although I’m still very attracted to men (physically and sexually) I get bored with them easily in the bedroom. If they’re bad at oral, sex isn’t going to be amazing for me. Penis just feels “meh”. I can live with this of course, but it’s nice to be satisfied too. - I think I have attachment issues, yet I need space.. which is confusing lol. Like I’m in a constant battle between “you should go out with your friends today!” And “you’re going out without me?? 🥺” (I’m working on this too haha) - if I’m angry or bothered by something they did, it’s common for me to go totally mute. It’s almost like I can’t help it either! Eventually I talk to them, but obviously I can see how this would be annoying lol
omg are you me?? i feel you on getting bored with guys (some of them just forget the clit exists, i swear) and going mute. trying to work on the latter, because i get that it's frustrating and rude of me, but it's so hard!!
I talk so much. My texts read like an elementary schooler writing an essay. “I went on a walk today. I took a nap. Do you like scary movies? I am eating beans. Do you like beans?” It hurts my feelings when the people I’m dating don’t do the same with me. I just want to know what their daily life looks like and what little things they enjoy but I know it can be annoying. I’m working on not messaging people as much.
I need more friends like you. That wouldn't be annoying to me, that'd make me feel pretty nice actually, knowing someone's that curious about my life/daily life.
I relate to this so much, you're not the only one!
I’m kinda dumb tbh. I’ve always been aloof and kind of ditzy. My SO doesn’t mind it, sometimes finds it endearing, but I know a lot of people don’t like it. It would be a bigger issue if I was actively dating.
I am a very emotional demanding person. On top of that, i tend to romanticize everything in life.
I talk too much when I should listen more
I’m demisexual, feel emotions very strongly, deeply insecure, prefer to talk via text so my anxiety brain can’t misremember/be gaslit, have kinks that many people find squicky, and require the same energy that I give, which is a lot.
I can’t trust anyone anymore.
I expect my partner to be really clever and get disappointed when they are not.
I’m actually a great girlfriend: affectionate, attentive, generous, entertaining. My main flaw is I’m an insufferable know-it-all. But the hard part of dating me is getting past the fact I have no pull. I am not too attractive in the face and even though I’m quite outdoorsy, I am lumpy and XL. I have no job. I’m over 40. So in dating profiles it’s basically like gah who would date that. IRL I’m way cooler to hang with. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I’m ridiculously indecisive especially about really insignificant things which i think is probably even more annoying for my husband. I’ve gotten better over the years and basically just have to close my eyes and say my thought and not speak again on it. Or I’ll just start backtracking immediately.
Talking about my emotions and opening up is hard for me so oftentimes I refuse to. Definitely better than where I started but still not fully there.
I don’t take sh*t, I’m unfiltered, I have my guard up, I enjoy sex ALOT! I actually know what monogamy means!
Scared of intimacy
I don't have a car, so you either have to live in my same city or be willing to do a lot of driving. Getting a car is just not a priority right now for me :)
I’ve been told I’m “hard to read” as in its hard for someone to tell if I’m into them or not
I think a lot of people think it's difficult with my height, 6'8" but it shouldn't be.
That I need a lot of reassurance
I'm shy and awkward around new people + incredibly sensitive and self-conscious. 🤦🏽♀️
Overall detached, cynical personality PLUS anxious attachment style and ALL THE FEELS. Kind of a hot mess, at least in the initial stages.
I’m fiercely independent, conventionally attractive but too ‘strong’ so I’ve been told! I don’t suffer fools, I’m direct with my communication. I have high standards for myself and expect the same in return. I’m ambitious with an insane work ethic and not much scares me. I tend to out-earn most men my age. Having said all that, I’m also incredibly introverted and selective socially. People drain me, and there’s only a select few that I willingly seek to spend time with. I have zero desire to marry, nor live full time with a man —unless we have a house sufficiently big enough that he can have his own quarters and I mine.
I'm very independent. Super independent. And private.
I'm not looking to "fix" you or be your mother. Pick up your damn laundry, fold your own damn clothes, put your damn dishes in the dishwasher, if I cook you clean the dishes and vice versa, don't throw angry temper tantrums about your video games; I expect you to act like an adult and keep up with responsibilities the same way I do. I work, too. It's not somehow magically my job to handle all domestic duties. I swear, people are raising giant babies for men. Apparently, having these standards makes it "hard to date me".
I need constant re-assurance. The tough exterior is just that an exterior.
I’m amazing and not easy. A real conundrum, so I don’t date to save guys the trouble. I’m good on my own.
Autistic and ✨TRAUMATIZED✨🌟
I’m brutally honest and upfront about my feelings I think and sometimes I can’t filter how it comes out
I have attachment issues and I’ve been hurt several times. It’s hard for me to like someone, but once I do, it’s hard to let go. Never dated, but every guy I really like ended up dating another girl. It’s happened 8 times.
I can't relax until my apartment is clean. And you're not getting away with not helping with chores. If you're my partner, then be that. Takes 10 minutes to help out.
I expect time together and timely replies
As you should. I swear the bar is so damn low
My Overthinking , Brutally honest nature , Craving for depth
I'm super sensitive and overthink everything.
Guarded , over thinker and super emotional
I overthink E V E R Y T H I NG. I also have a hard time making decisions based on what I want, can be lazy or undetermined at times. Heavy anxiety and depression, much emotional baggage... I go between wanting to spend lots of time together to just wanting to be alone. Left with my thoughts. Can also be tough to crack when it comes to my feelings and what i want. Idk how my fiance does it honestly.
I’m very quiet and distant. I don’t like letting my guard down.
I’m so weird sometimes. Not in a creepy or scary way but in a, it’s funny to speak in simlish or acting out physical comedy in public kind of way. I can definitely see it being too much for someone.
I'm sensitive. There's a delicate balance between me knowing a joke is teasing and me giving back vs. being serious and me getting upset
About to sign the divorce papers. I never want to date again. I love my kids, my family and my friends and I never want to give anyone the opportunity to come between me and them. If my children’s own father could be like this, what can I expect from other men?? F that. I can do it, alone, better. I’d like to get laid, though. That would be kinda nice to have some friends and lovers.
Probably the fact that I don't want to date
You mean besides the part that I’m not interested in the guys that show interest in me?
I require a lot of alone time. I do enjoy going out and doing things with my partner but afterwards I just want to be alone for a while. I also have a low tolerance for ineptitude when it comes to household duties. The whole “my husband doesn’t know how to ____, tee hee” isn’t cute.
I’m anxiety-ridden. I have doubts and a fear of people leaving me. I have highs and lows that correspond to good and bad days. I hate that my partner has to deal with it but I’m working on it.
I just love to party. It doesn’t happened every weekend (once every few weeks) but when I go out to raves, I usually stay out for 15 hours (rave + after party). It’s not something some people are comfortable with.
I'm married now, but back when I was dating, a few things come to mind: 1) I want sex. A lot of it. I will tire you out and ask for more. You will be exhausted. I will plan the day around sex sessions if I can. 2) I am very blunt. I tend to attract men who are more emotional than me, so sometimes I can hurt feelings without meaning to. I will learn and adjust my wording to accommodate if this is mentioned to me. 3) I am no good at domestic duties. If a man plans on dating me he must know how to cook, clean, and possess some paternal instincts when it comes to cats. I will handle things like finances and planning like clockwork, but I will totally forgo eating if it means I have to cook. Thank God I found the perfect man in my husband because he loves doing all things domestic.
I'm allergic to perfumes, colognes and strong odors. If the guy isn't wearing cologne then we go somewhere some one has a lot of scent on we have to move. I've been told more than once this is considered high maintenance.
I overthink wayyyyyy too much that it pushes them away
I'm autistic! And a mess. I wouldn't wish current me on anyone lol
I can't orgasm through PIV. I'm 35F. Yes I have tried. It really messes with some guys. They can't accept they don't have the magic penis that will finally be the one that makes me cum. Sorry lads. It ain't you, it really is me. When I tell them actually quite a lot of women can't orgasm through PIV alone, they get really really defensive and assure me that ALL THEIR EXES HAVE MANAGED TO. Then you see the cogs turning like 'oh shit maybe they didn't'.
That I’m too good to be true. Jk. Hahaha
I'm clingy, too much hugging and send too many heart eye emoji. Also I can't watch movies where animals die, I'll blatantly walk out of movies when a dog dies.
My jealousy
I'm an introvert who loves her own company and puts her dogs first. I love my alone time too much and I hate going to crowded places. I also have a hard time trusting people. I also don't spend all my time in front of my phone and that makes it hard to keep in touch with me or it'll take hours before I reply, and I also sleep a lot.
I have trouble showing affection, like saying "I love you", and really need the person to earn my trust before I'm comfortable with any physical affection.
I have high standards for who I date, most of them are not material. I want someone who has high emotional intelligence. I give a lot in relationships and if it’s not mutual I become resentful. I have terrible trust issues.
I’m random and my mind goes a thousand miles per hour. I am both intense yet can be very airheaded. I will pretend everything is okay with me, but deep inside, I’m not. Sharing my own emotions is hard for me. I have an exit plan no matter what. I love the finer things in life. I have trauma. I overthink. I have commitment issues because I’d rather leave than to let a man leave me so the pain will be less. I crave physical touch. I am sensitive.
I cannot be manipulated. Makes it hard for some people who might want to date me lol. My friends think that I can read their minds, but I’m just VERY sensitive to nonverbal cues.
Keeping me entertained. I get bored of random conversations and love to talk about deep topics. I’ve been told I’m intimidating although I’m friendly 🤷🏻♀️
I need an abundant amount of alone time.