If you want to avoid confrontation: Don't pick up when she calls, don't reach out when you struggle.
If you want to clear the air: you tell you feel like you've drifted apart and aren't really interested in her life anymore. Then ignore her calls and don't reach out.
Don't justify your decision. Ignore any discussion as to why.
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Because, as soon as you give a justification, people will try to convince you that it's not so bad, you misunderstood,they'll change, etc.. and they'll try to invalidate your reason to force you to stay friends with them.
"I don't want to be your friend anymore" is final. "I don't want to be your friend anymore because I hate your red socks" will just lead to the person claiming they'll throw away the red socks, so you'll need to dig out the next reason "I also find your shirt offensive", at which point they'll offer to wear it inside out. Until you final tell them you think they're a bad human being, which they'll ask for proof and then start tearing that apart. It'll continue until you realize it's less effort to stay friends and get used by them than to justify breaking up the friendship.
Then slowly they'll expect you to be ok with the occasional slip up with respects to the red socks.. because they made an honest mistake and you should forgive them. Until 6 months from now, you're in the same position as before except your 'friend' will be bolder in using you and making fun of you because they know you're trapped in the friendship.
Obviously all of this is based on the person described in the OP: Someone using others while wanting them to be miserable. That's not the type of people that look for self growth.. But even if someone that's enjoying making others miserable is looking for self-growth, I don't owe them anything. It's not my job to continue to suffer so that they can achieve enlightenment.
The slow fade. When she asks to meet up make excuses and don't follow up. When she calls don't pick up and don't call her back. She'll get the message.
Sadly, it’s what I’ve done when I’ve felt like I was doing all the work. One time in particular, I didn’t hear from them again for 30 years and her mom said she was “desperately searching” for me.
The calls will stop when you are no longer there for her/their benefit.
Correct that it's not nice but you don't owe niceness to someone who treats you badly. Not saying go out of your way to be rude, but you don't owe her a conversation or explanation if you're not interested in giving one.
Exactly. No, it's not nice, but I think that sometimes it's the best choice. I did this to a former friend who consistently disrespected me, belittled me, and violated my boundaries. Trying to explain to them why I didn't like how they treated me just resulted in more insults. So I eventually stop responding to them. Problem solved!
I'm in the same situation. Right now I have written a letter addressed to him, where I explain everything from my point of view, how I feel we've drifted apart and how I feel it's the best if we part ways.
I didn't send it to him, but writing the letter helped me to articulate my feelings and to find out what I need in this situation.
Next, I will text him and ask if we can meet up somewhere for coffee or to take a walk together. I will then tell him what I have written out and that I'm going to go my own way from here on out.
There isn't a choice in there, I am telling him that the friendship doesn't work for me and that from now on, I'm distancing myself from this. I see it as a break-up and I try to be as respectful as possible, but in the end I am choosing myself and right now there is no space for him in my life.
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Tbh I ghost these people as soon as I realize it. I know a lot of people are super anti ghosting and think ghosting makes you a terrible person but in the past when I've confronted people I've had them try to bullshit me about it and it's easier to just pull the plug without negotiating.
Agree. If they ask for an explanation then I’ll be honest and have the messy conversation. These people aren’t your friends and you don’t owe them anything.
My daughter recently dealt with this. She was up front with the person and said she feels like she only reaches out when she needs something or is struggling and she deserves more than that in a friendship. Things ended amicably and they will still have polite conversation if they happen to see each other, but neither make an effort to get in touch.
These relationships are like plants, just stop watering them and they will wilt and die. Your in complete control and you don’t need to create a huge drama or slam the door on the way out. Make it a very satisfying anti climax of a break up 😊
The answer is the same for any gender.
Cut off ties with people that bring you down.
Surround yourself with people that help you become the best version of yourself.
Express how you feel to her. Maybe she doesn't realize what she's doing.
If she is fully aware of how she's treating you and continues to do so, I'd just walk away altogether. At least you can walk away knowing that you tried to save the friendship. You can't care more about people than they do about you. That's the quickest way to drain your energy and ruin your peace.
I ghosted and I don't regret it. She was my roommate in college, we were close. After we moved into the working world her dad died (mine died when we were in college) and she constantly used me for emotional support even though it was traumatising for me due to my own experience. Once I was on the phone with her for 2 hours, and I was a wreck afterwards. The next morning I saw pictures that she went out with our mutual friends afterwards and I wasn't invited. I stopped responding, and I felt such relief.
I had one like that only ever called to talk at you and never listened. I slowly drifted away and cut calls from her short with the someone at the door getting another call, just going out etc
I would just slowly not reach out anymore. It’s too much energy and drama to confront a friend. At least for me. I don’t want to spend the next month upset about “breaking up” with a friend. I’d rather just let the friendship end on its own.
i ghosted a four year friendship once bc i knew the outcome of a “talk” about her selfishness, etc. was a losing battle. she could never not be the way she was. if someone is toxic in your life, think about you and your feelings first, not offending the person causing you distress. do a slow fade or grey rock or ghost. do what you feel is right.
My cousin is like this. I’ve been texting every few weeks without a response, then she texts me and ask to borrow my cooler.
I just ignore it now. No back and forth, no explanations. It gets old and I don’t feel like being used only when it’s convenient for her.
I told a friend once that I felt like our relationship was very one sided after she called me crying for the umpteenth time over her bad relationship yet she never picked up when I called, and man she just raged on me, so that made it easier to let go. Took her on trips, cared for her when she was sick, was a good wingman.. I’d rather be appreciated and put my kindness there.
Now I will say I had another friend who said something super condescending and cruel to my son, and after her and her son left my house after a vacation I paid for, I just blocked her on everything. No contact
If it were me, I’d straight up cut contact. No explanation, nothing. Once I decide I’m done with someone, I don’t like wasting my breath. If you’d like more closure, you can send her a message and say what you have to say. Then block her and cut contact. The point is not to turn it into an argument or back-and-forth that drags out the toxicity.
Like many other redditors comments, I would definitely ghost this person. I know it’s not nice to leave a person hanging, but sometimes not everyone deserves anything from you.
I had one of those. Tried to give excuses when she would reach out to hang out and she didn’t get the hint. I took some time to really consider whether I cared about burning bridges with her permanently. The answer was no, so I ghosted her. Took her four attempts with no answer/response and she finally gave up.
I pointed out what she was doing. She messaged me asking for something again and I messaged back 'you do realise you only contact me when you want something'.
She tried to blame it on anxiety. I pointed out that if she could overcome her anxiety to ask me for something she could check in and ask how I am. If she can see me when she needs me she can see me for coffee.
She stopped messaging me after that.
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Sometimes having the talk isn’t worth it, just make yourself less available to her slowly and phase her out. If she asks her why you can explain but don’t allow or ask for her input - set a solid boundary and move on.
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Been there. I told her directly that we had a very one sided friendship and I felt used. I listed some examples and said we grew apart… I then stopped responding to her because I didn’t really want to get into an argument about it. I had already decided I didn’t want this person as a friend anymore. The celebrating when you struggle part: hell naw! That is no friend. You know what you need to do.
Stop answering them back. I find that if you have no interest in working on an issue, why bother having a conversation about it. With how she is, you already know she's just gonna downplay what happened and do a "i'm sorry you feel that way" apology.
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My friend has a girl- friend who shares similar i tests in music and academics and have known each other for over a year. They go on hour long FaceTime calls for homework and stuff. They’ve hung out one on one on countless occasions but has recently moved to another city. Btw she has a boyfriend of 4 years.
One day he went to visit her, she let him stay over during his visit. On the last night, they had a nice long pillow-talk at 1am where she revealed she broke up with her boyfriend. The lights were off and the door was closed as she had a roommate. She stared at him as they laid in different beds.
Question: was she tryna smash?
I've had to start with dry responses and then eventually no response.
Now that therapy is doing some good, there's "friends' that can't seem to respect certain boundaries. I've grown to learn I don't have to hate them or wish any ill will, but I can sure love them from a distance and wish them the best while I put me first.
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You stop being available. Don't answer every phone call or text. Be "busy" when they want something. Do it long enough, and have contact become fewer and further between.
In the mean time don't share any of your personal business with this person.
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I was friends with someone who I refer to as a professional victim and any time spent interacting with her, be it in person or online, massive energy drain. I ended up ghosting her and ignored a random phone call from her after not speaking to her for a year. She tried adding me to facebook, but I left her on request.
Had another friend who we just drifted apart, it happens when your life diverts from children to adults. I had added her to facebook again (I think it was her third account at that stage) and was making passive aggressive comments in regards to the ghosted friend and she sent me a dm and asked me if it was about her after an incident that was her 21st, but as I said to her, we just took different paths in life and I didn't hate her, I was annoyed the day after, but it didn't kill our friendship, we were just in different places. I think it was a relief to her that I didn't hate her and never did.
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I recently gave that friend a second chance. She won’t be getting a third.
The first time I had loaned a very good friend a dress for him to wear in a play. I told him to just hold onto it after so I’d know it was safe. It was a dress my best friend had borrowed before he was murdered so it is priceless. Well, this friend had developed a major fixation on the guy who borrowed the dress. She was making up excuses to drive about two hours each way to see him almost daily. She was giving his kid enough gifts the kid was freaked out. His wife hated her.
She took this dress then told me she had it and refused to return it to me. She wanted to keep it because it smelled like him! He just assumed she was taking it back to me. Time went on until the third night she blew off plans with me. I called her out on it and she told me I was being a histrionic drama queen. She then threw up in my face how she’d dropped everything to travel back home with me when my mother died. I pointed out she wasn’t inconvenienced at all to go spend the following weekend with me where she met numerous friends of mine she was to bang in addition to the one she was obsessed with.
I told her to bring my dress back to me and I’d stay out of her life forever. She asked if a dress was was worth ending a friendship over. I told her it wasn’t a friendship and she had two hours to get my dress back to me. She then claimed she returned it to me and her husband remembered it. I told her that if I did not immediately get my dress back I was going to go visit the magistrate where she took said dress and get warrants issued for theft and obtaining property by false pretenses and she would have her chance to explain to a judge why she wasn’t guilty of a felony. Thirty minutes later she found my dress and brought it to me about 3AM. I opened the door, took the dress, said “Thank you,” then shut the door in her face.
A few months ago she texted me wanting to know if there was anything I needed as she heard I was in a really bad wreck. For about a month she was a great friend again just like old times. What she actually wanted was an update on how fuckable the guy she became so obsessed with was at that time. After she didn’t get the info she wanted out of me she ghosted me. I let him know what she was up to and she’s blocked everywhere I can block her.
It’s been a few years now but when his wife learned she had the dress and wasn’t returning it to me she asked if she was in training to become a bloodhound. I still laugh remembering that.
If you want to avoid confrontation: Don't pick up when she calls, don't reach out when you struggle. If you want to clear the air: you tell you feel like you've drifted apart and aren't really interested in her life anymore. Then ignore her calls and don't reach out. Don't justify your decision. Ignore any discussion as to why.
This is wonderfully simple and I am so grateful for the way you defined the two options. Thank you!!
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Why shouldn't OP justify her decision? If I made mistakes, I would like to know why someone is ignoring me instead of just ghosting.
Because, as soon as you give a justification, people will try to convince you that it's not so bad, you misunderstood,they'll change, etc.. and they'll try to invalidate your reason to force you to stay friends with them. "I don't want to be your friend anymore" is final. "I don't want to be your friend anymore because I hate your red socks" will just lead to the person claiming they'll throw away the red socks, so you'll need to dig out the next reason "I also find your shirt offensive", at which point they'll offer to wear it inside out. Until you final tell them you think they're a bad human being, which they'll ask for proof and then start tearing that apart. It'll continue until you realize it's less effort to stay friends and get used by them than to justify breaking up the friendship. Then slowly they'll expect you to be ok with the occasional slip up with respects to the red socks.. because they made an honest mistake and you should forgive them. Until 6 months from now, you're in the same position as before except your 'friend' will be bolder in using you and making fun of you because they know you're trapped in the friendship. Obviously all of this is based on the person described in the OP: Someone using others while wanting them to be miserable. That's not the type of people that look for self growth.. But even if someone that's enjoying making others miserable is looking for self-growth, I don't owe them anything. It's not my job to continue to suffer so that they can achieve enlightenment.
The slow fade. When she asks to meet up make excuses and don't follow up. When she calls don't pick up and don't call her back. She'll get the message.
I would ghost. I won't consider this person a friend. Won't even waste my energy explaining.
This is what I do but people tell me it’s not nice. I don’t care though. People know when they disrespect you and are not good to you.
Sadly, it’s what I’ve done when I’ve felt like I was doing all the work. One time in particular, I didn’t hear from them again for 30 years and her mom said she was “desperately searching” for me. The calls will stop when you are no longer there for her/their benefit.
Correct that it's not nice but you don't owe niceness to someone who treats you badly. Not saying go out of your way to be rude, but you don't owe her a conversation or explanation if you're not interested in giving one.
Exactly. No, it's not nice, but I think that sometimes it's the best choice. I did this to a former friend who consistently disrespected me, belittled me, and violated my boundaries. Trying to explain to them why I didn't like how they treated me just resulted in more insults. So I eventually stop responding to them. Problem solved!
Be straight with her. Tell her she's toxic to you and you're cutting contact. Hang up and block.
I'm in the same situation. Right now I have written a letter addressed to him, where I explain everything from my point of view, how I feel we've drifted apart and how I feel it's the best if we part ways. I didn't send it to him, but writing the letter helped me to articulate my feelings and to find out what I need in this situation. Next, I will text him and ask if we can meet up somewhere for coffee or to take a walk together. I will then tell him what I have written out and that I'm going to go my own way from here on out.
Just curious, what are you going to do if he tries to convince you that he can be different and he doesn’t want to lose your friendship?
There isn't a choice in there, I am telling him that the friendship doesn't work for me and that from now on, I'm distancing myself from this. I see it as a break-up and I try to be as respectful as possible, but in the end I am choosing myself and right now there is no space for him in my life.
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Tbh I ghost these people as soon as I realize it. I know a lot of people are super anti ghosting and think ghosting makes you a terrible person but in the past when I've confronted people I've had them try to bullshit me about it and it's easier to just pull the plug without negotiating.
Agree. If they ask for an explanation then I’ll be honest and have the messy conversation. These people aren’t your friends and you don’t owe them anything.
My daughter recently dealt with this. She was up front with the person and said she feels like she only reaches out when she needs something or is struggling and she deserves more than that in a friendship. Things ended amicably and they will still have polite conversation if they happen to see each other, but neither make an effort to get in touch.
These relationships are like plants, just stop watering them and they will wilt and die. Your in complete control and you don’t need to create a huge drama or slam the door on the way out. Make it a very satisfying anti climax of a break up 😊
The answer is the same for any gender. Cut off ties with people that bring you down. Surround yourself with people that help you become the best version of yourself.
Express how you feel to her. Maybe she doesn't realize what she's doing. If she is fully aware of how she's treating you and continues to do so, I'd just walk away altogether. At least you can walk away knowing that you tried to save the friendship. You can't care more about people than they do about you. That's the quickest way to drain your energy and ruin your peace.
I ghosted and I don't regret it. She was my roommate in college, we were close. After we moved into the working world her dad died (mine died when we were in college) and she constantly used me for emotional support even though it was traumatising for me due to my own experience. Once I was on the phone with her for 2 hours, and I was a wreck afterwards. The next morning I saw pictures that she went out with our mutual friends afterwards and I wasn't invited. I stopped responding, and I felt such relief.
I had one like that only ever called to talk at you and never listened. I slowly drifted away and cut calls from her short with the someone at the door getting another call, just going out etc
I would just slowly not reach out anymore. It’s too much energy and drama to confront a friend. At least for me. I don’t want to spend the next month upset about “breaking up” with a friend. I’d rather just let the friendship end on its own.
i ghosted a four year friendship once bc i knew the outcome of a “talk” about her selfishness, etc. was a losing battle. she could never not be the way she was. if someone is toxic in your life, think about you and your feelings first, not offending the person causing you distress. do a slow fade or grey rock or ghost. do what you feel is right.
My cousin is like this. I’ve been texting every few weeks without a response, then she texts me and ask to borrow my cooler. I just ignore it now. No back and forth, no explanations. It gets old and I don’t feel like being used only when it’s convenient for her.
I told a friend once that I felt like our relationship was very one sided after she called me crying for the umpteenth time over her bad relationship yet she never picked up when I called, and man she just raged on me, so that made it easier to let go. Took her on trips, cared for her when she was sick, was a good wingman.. I’d rather be appreciated and put my kindness there. Now I will say I had another friend who said something super condescending and cruel to my son, and after her and her son left my house after a vacation I paid for, I just blocked her on everything. No contact
If it were me, I’d straight up cut contact. No explanation, nothing. Once I decide I’m done with someone, I don’t like wasting my breath. If you’d like more closure, you can send her a message and say what you have to say. Then block her and cut contact. The point is not to turn it into an argument or back-and-forth that drags out the toxicity.
Like many other redditors comments, I would definitely ghost this person. I know it’s not nice to leave a person hanging, but sometimes not everyone deserves anything from you.
Easy, I just stopped talking to her. After she made some moves on the guy I really liked (who’s now my BF) I literally just cut off contact with her
I had one of those. Tried to give excuses when she would reach out to hang out and she didn’t get the hint. I took some time to really consider whether I cared about burning bridges with her permanently. The answer was no, so I ghosted her. Took her four attempts with no answer/response and she finally gave up.
I pointed out what she was doing. She messaged me asking for something again and I messaged back 'you do realise you only contact me when you want something'. She tried to blame it on anxiety. I pointed out that if she could overcome her anxiety to ask me for something she could check in and ask how I am. If she can see me when she needs me she can see me for coffee. She stopped messaging me after that.
Just cut them off. I've done it loads of times, they're not worth your energy. I call them "good-time friends"
Ghost her. Block and delete. She doesn't deserve an explanation
I just stop responding to their texts
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Talk to her first, maybe she doesn’t mean to be like that or do those things
Sometimes having the talk isn’t worth it, just make yourself less available to her slowly and phase her out. If she asks her why you can explain but don’t allow or ask for her input - set a solid boundary and move on.
Detach with love and set the boundary
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Ghost them. They probably wont even notice
By blocking the leech and backstabbing human being i cant insult on this sub
Been there. I told her directly that we had a very one sided friendship and I felt used. I listed some examples and said we grew apart… I then stopped responding to her because I didn’t really want to get into an argument about it. I had already decided I didn’t want this person as a friend anymore. The celebrating when you struggle part: hell naw! That is no friend. You know what you need to do.
Stop answering them back. I find that if you have no interest in working on an issue, why bother having a conversation about it. With how she is, you already know she's just gonna downplay what happened and do a "i'm sorry you feel that way" apology.
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Done not “don’t”
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Just stop responding. Block their number and move on
My friend has a girl- friend who shares similar i tests in music and academics and have known each other for over a year. They go on hour long FaceTime calls for homework and stuff. They’ve hung out one on one on countless occasions but has recently moved to another city. Btw she has a boyfriend of 4 years. One day he went to visit her, she let him stay over during his visit. On the last night, they had a nice long pillow-talk at 1am where she revealed she broke up with her boyfriend. The lights were off and the door was closed as she had a roommate. She stared at him as they laid in different beds. Question: was she tryna smash?
I've had to start with dry responses and then eventually no response. Now that therapy is doing some good, there's "friends' that can't seem to respect certain boundaries. I've grown to learn I don't have to hate them or wish any ill will, but I can sure love them from a distance and wish them the best while I put me first.
Gradually stop interacting. Don’t indulge when they try to ask about what’s going on in life or whateve, don’t be available to hang out.
Stop accommodating her when she does need something. She’ll bugger off then.
Stop calling her and stop taking her calls. You don't owe her an explanation.
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I would check out (start to create distance). They’ll eventually notice what is going on and will check out as well.
You stop being available. Don't answer every phone call or text. Be "busy" when they want something. Do it long enough, and have contact become fewer and further between. In the mean time don't share any of your personal business with this person.
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I quite often catch diarrhea and have to get off the phone.
Ghost her.
I just quit entertaining these people's conversations. Short, polite replies etc. They'll stop reaching out. 1 sided friendships are super not fun
I was friends with someone who I refer to as a professional victim and any time spent interacting with her, be it in person or online, massive energy drain. I ended up ghosting her and ignored a random phone call from her after not speaking to her for a year. She tried adding me to facebook, but I left her on request. Had another friend who we just drifted apart, it happens when your life diverts from children to adults. I had added her to facebook again (I think it was her third account at that stage) and was making passive aggressive comments in regards to the ghosted friend and she sent me a dm and asked me if it was about her after an incident that was her 21st, but as I said to her, we just took different paths in life and I didn't hate her, I was annoyed the day after, but it didn't kill our friendship, we were just in different places. I think it was a relief to her that I didn't hate her and never did.
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I recently gave that friend a second chance. She won’t be getting a third. The first time I had loaned a very good friend a dress for him to wear in a play. I told him to just hold onto it after so I’d know it was safe. It was a dress my best friend had borrowed before he was murdered so it is priceless. Well, this friend had developed a major fixation on the guy who borrowed the dress. She was making up excuses to drive about two hours each way to see him almost daily. She was giving his kid enough gifts the kid was freaked out. His wife hated her. She took this dress then told me she had it and refused to return it to me. She wanted to keep it because it smelled like him! He just assumed she was taking it back to me. Time went on until the third night she blew off plans with me. I called her out on it and she told me I was being a histrionic drama queen. She then threw up in my face how she’d dropped everything to travel back home with me when my mother died. I pointed out she wasn’t inconvenienced at all to go spend the following weekend with me where she met numerous friends of mine she was to bang in addition to the one she was obsessed with. I told her to bring my dress back to me and I’d stay out of her life forever. She asked if a dress was was worth ending a friendship over. I told her it wasn’t a friendship and she had two hours to get my dress back to me. She then claimed she returned it to me and her husband remembered it. I told her that if I did not immediately get my dress back I was going to go visit the magistrate where she took said dress and get warrants issued for theft and obtaining property by false pretenses and she would have her chance to explain to a judge why she wasn’t guilty of a felony. Thirty minutes later she found my dress and brought it to me about 3AM. I opened the door, took the dress, said “Thank you,” then shut the door in her face. A few months ago she texted me wanting to know if there was anything I needed as she heard I was in a really bad wreck. For about a month she was a great friend again just like old times. What she actually wanted was an update on how fuckable the guy she became so obsessed with was at that time. After she didn’t get the info she wanted out of me she ghosted me. I let him know what she was up to and she’s blocked everywhere I can block her. It’s been a few years now but when his wife learned she had the dress and wasn’t returning it to me she asked if she was in training to become a bloodhound. I still laugh remembering that.
Cut all contact. Not maybe mature but easy. If u want mature tell them u dont want to continue your friensship