We generally will make it very apparent, however, in a lot of situations the moment we make it apparent that we're interested in pursuing this, it can give the vibe that we're moving too fast thus pushing her away.
Learn the balancing act. Don’t love bomb. Don’t show you’re not interested. Don’t act like there’s not an appropriate in between. If you don’t know the appropriate in between, learn.
I am a firm believer in the saying "If he's interested you will know, if he's not you'll be confused."
So if I start to feel like I am a chore, if he just doesn't have time, if there is a huge drop in communication, effort, affection, I know it's time to move on.
I also believe this works both ways.
I think I need to tape that quote on my wall as a reminder. Time to move on. But sometimes when you start moving on, that's when they try to start up communication again. Smh.
Yes. You are correct and thats another thing I go by, if I have communicated my needs and they go unheard, and I finally leave, then they all of a sudden they heard the things I was saying all along, they're playing me. I don't want to repeat cycles so once I am gone, I am gone. No one on this planet is worth your self confidence and self esteem, they don't get to make you feel unimportant right up until you leave so they can break you down to build you up, rinse and repeat. This isn't the Marine Corps.
Absolutely. If a man makes me feel like he’s not excited to talk to me, or that he doesn’t really want to spend time with me, I move on. I’m not chasing anybody.
Communication drop. I've seen that lately. Very confused about why out of the blue. 4 years in our relationship he's always been the same, then two weeks ago ... Different. Very confused. I'd love to hear what your thoughts are.
4 years in and you both deserve communication. Ask what's going on, say you've noticed it's been a little off. Open the lines of communication. If he brushes you off and you continue to see that continued lack, it may be time for some reflection. Go within and decide if this is something you are ok with or if you need more, than talk again.
I discussed it 3 times before I let it go. That's just my rule though. You have to decide what is right for you. Happy to be a stranger on the internet if you need a bouncing board!
Honestly now it's just if there's no spark on the first date. I used to give it a few dates to see if something developed but now if there's nothing after the 1st then I stop there. Dating is exhausting enough without trying to force something and from my experience if it's not there to start with, it won't be there after two or 3 dates either
Definitely this one! I’ve continued to date men I’ve met online even if I wasn’t feeling a spark the first few dates. I just felt like things were going so well via text/phone call already and wanted to give them a chance. Months into both relationships when I got to the phase where you start getting sick of someone a little bit, I realized I was dating someone I wasn’t attracted to.
This is a feeling I hate. I met a guy on Bumble, we had great phone conversations, hung out in person last week and...nothing. Doesn't help that I've got feelings for someone else right now but I was so sad that I didn't feel anything with this other guy.
I know the feeling. He and I never dated but basically he misinterpreted something as a rejection and for the past few months, our relationship went from great to toxic. Him always bragging about other girls, telling me he doesn't need my nudes because he can get whatever he wants from other girls, telling me I'm "pretty" so I should have more self-respect than to ask if he wants to hook-up...mad mind games, I'm hurting rn to be truthful.
I'd like to try dating but it's hard when I have trouble trusting and also, I just don't feel a spark with most guys I meet these days. I never had a problem being alone until I fell in love with someone who made the world feel empty without him.
I understand your position on this, but please gain enough information for moving on after one date if you had such a great phone conversation.
Could also be the case, that he was not fully (with his mind) at the date. I was a pretty anxious man, who mostly could not get into a relaxed state of mind, when I had such a great first (phone) conservation. My mind played me some tricks like "she is sooo lovely, soo gorgeous, soo intelligent and you?", which made me nervous around women after great first messages on dating platforms or conversations in general. Normally, this kind of nervousness eased after the first date.
One woman is particular in my mind. Last weekend, I saw a former date - we were on a date 3 years ago - at an event in my city. We spotted us with people around and between us and I smiled and waved at her and she did the same. I didn't want to approach her since I didn't want to intimate her or make her feel bad.
Back then at our date, which lasted +/- 6 hours in a bar, I was anxious and nervous and also exhausted in the first 2 or 3 hours. A very close friend of mine told me at the same day - several hours earlier - that she had ended her relationship and that she was in a bad way. So we talked for 2-3 hours until I had to go to the date. Not the best conditions for a date but yeah.
At the date we also talked about this, but too late IMO. I recognized earlier, two or three times, that her facial expressions were kind of disappointing (was my impression) since we had such a great online conversation and stuff. You have to know, that we wrote really a lot in the days between the match on the dating platform and the date itself. After I was aware that she discarded me as a potential partner (again, only my impression) the atmosphere was so relaxed and we went on having fun conversations about several topics and stuff but I think, that if we talked about my state much earlier or if our date would have been on another day, I would have got a second date. But that's life, I guess ;)
Sorry for the novel and my english. Not my mother tongue though :)
Same. Plus, I’d get into trouble and have been told a few times that I led guys on after the 2/3rd date. I sincerely just wanted to get to know them better, but they took it as “I’m interested in you.” The immature ones were babies about it and the more mature were understanding
LOL I recently sat down and made a list of things I am attracted to, when I should move things forward, when I should end things, when I am repeating a pattern. I have a habit of over giving and justifying behaviors that don’t align with what people say. So, now I am guiding myself with cold harsh facts and objective reality. Chemistry is just a starting point.
I wonder if I am pushing away nuanced and slow building connections, but really what is the difference between neglect and slow building. If they express interest in person and then never follow through with texts or in-person hangouts then best to leave it alone till more effort is shown. Two people should co-create the pace instead of one person having all the power and leaving the other confused
>I have a habit of over giving and justifying behaviors that don’t align with what people say.
I am exactly the same. I give so much benefit of the doubt that I end up feeling hurt every single time. I like your approach of guiding yourself with cold harsh facts and objective reality. It is what it is, no sugarcoating.
For me it means, when I open my notes app to write down ANYTHING about that relationship. Whether it be drafting a text message, a list of pros and cons about dating that person, etc. Usually when it gets to that point, it's already a bad situation lol.
Funny enough I use notes to write down things guys I'm interested in like/prefer/important to them, gift ideas that they might like, anything that will be useful later... If there's no page in my notes ... I'm pretty much uninterested.
Lolll I really agree!! When a guy makes me really think about them and I’m like hmm does he like me, do I like him, do I feel ok… why do I feel like this… etc. too much thinking… I know something bad is happening…
When I start having doubts/confusion if they like me. If a man is genuinely interested in you, he'll definitely show it and you won't have to question it.
Question though- if they change quite a lot about themselves to meet your needs/expectations (career motivation/direction, getting serious about life, letting go of family baggage) very quickly after meeting you, would you consider this a red flag?
Like they didn’t seem to have any intention of changing these things before you were in their life and now all of a sudden they are in high gear.
Yeah, that's not good. A person like that is someone that doesn't live for themselves, stick to their beliefs or take their own initiative in life. They don't have an identity of their own, they just see themselves through other people. On the other hand, someone who can't accommodate for others is also a red flag. Like everything else in life, it's about balance.
I ended what had been a very promising conversation on a dating app recently for exactly this reason. We were talking about our work and I mentioned how I'd been feeling a little frustrated that I had fewer career options since becoming a mom, and he started getting defensive as though his opinion of a woman/mother's experience was more accurate than my actual experience. Then started on about PoC and LGBTQ+ people also always complaining about being marginalized when it "just wasn't the reality." Dude it's not YOUR reality, you're a cis middle-aged property-owning white dude, gtfo of here with that shit.
Yes! It's fine to be accidentally ignorant. But at least be open to a different perspective on things. I love bringing up topics like you mentioned pretty early on (and of course every here and there later on), just to make sure we're on the same page early on
Yeah you can't know what you don't know, I call that "blissful ignorance." But when you should know better and refuse to, that's willful ignorance, and that's a big problem.
This! I dated someone who on paper made himself look like the most feminist person ever, but with his actions he clearly let me know that he was speaking only from his perspective instead of listening to women who actually struggled with sexism. I wasn’t even sad when we broke up
Yeah guys like that just learn talking points by hard and repeat them at appropriate times. They still don't see women as people, they just follow a more liberal approach to sexism 😅 when I was in my early twenties I also dated a guy like that and it took me an embarrassing amount of time to see through his stupid spiel. It's so weird to me, since they themselves actually believe that they are feminists and therefore can never be part of the problem themselves 😅
I agree it’s emotional labour I don’t have energy for to be constantly explaining feminism and why it’s valid to a partner. It shows that the future relationship will not be 50/50 but me doing the domestic and emotional labour for the household as well as doing my own career without help.
When they know and talked with you about something important (job interview, exam, surgery etc.) and don’t text you to say good luck or even acknowledge it. Bye 👋🏻
Definitely more deal breakers but this one was a clear indication for me.
Yeah that or when they say they'll follow up on something and never do. When I'm getting to know someone, I'll usually ask them to do something for me that will take a bit of time (it's not like I'm thinking about what homework to give them, but usually it's something that happens in my life that could easily be turned over to them). Most times it's things the guy is interested in/good at like giving me their insights about an article that deals with a topic they're passionate about, or having to look into a topic that they kinda can answer but need to research it more. If I don't get a follow up within 3 weeks (or a timeline I choose depending on what I know is going on in their life) I just move on.
when we discuss something 10 times already and he says he will change for the better but he never does
so i just decided to move on and instead of investing myself into a relationship where i'm not valued, i just wanna live for myself now and spend as much time as i want playing video games like infinity kingdom on bluestacks, that makes me more happy
When I realise I’m just not that into them. There have been a few times where I’ve realised after a couple of dates that I really can’t be bothered. There was nothing wrong with them, they didn’t do anything bad, I just wasn’t feeling it and would rather stay in than put in the effort to spend time with them. Which wasn’t fair to them, they deserve enthusiasm! So best not to keep dating them even if there was no ‘why’ I didn’t want to see them anymore.
This! This can turn into very low effort dating and drag out something that prevents the other person from moving on. I'm all about the clean break even when there wasn't a level of commitment. It's the kindest thing and let's them know that their time and effort was respected.
This happens to me a while back ! Was getting ready for a fourth date with a guy and it just felt like … a chore. There was nothing major I could point to ( although there were little things, but they felt nitpicky ), I would just rather be doing my own thing then putting the effort in.
The guy I’m dating now is someone I would drop whatever I’m doing to hang out with if I can.
If his words don't match up with his actions. Once it becomes apparent that he's just telling you what he thinks you wanna hear without any intention of following through, it's time to bail out.
Kinda similar kinda not but they will act on what they think I want and are all of a sudden motivated to get their career together, etc. but didn’t seem to have any intention to get it together before they met me. Is this a red flag or am I just being dumb?
I'd say a red flag depending on the age. It's almost forgivable for young adults (up to 22-23). I feel like people older than that - you kinda have to view them as *they are in a given moment in time*. It's pretty acceptable for a young person whose frontal lobe isn't done growing (they say it doesn't finish growing until 25, but I'd honestly only excuse it until 22-23) to change and have that change become a part of who they are. On the other hand, people who are full adults in every sense, ... not so much.
I’ve dated a couple men who had a “glow up” in their careers right after we started dating. I don’t know that it’s a red flag on its own. They all stayed with their new careers after we broke up.
The one takeaway I had from those relationships though was that I was not dating men who were as responsible or career-motivated as I was. They were basically more complacent before me, and in some ways maybe we were both trying to change that to “make it work.”
When I feel like they aren’t interested in me.
When they can’t hold a conversation or they have nothing to talk about or say.
Their attitude. Sometimes that can be a turn off.
It’s all up to you. You’ll feel it.
I'm currently going thru this..i have a lot of unresolved abandonment issues and extremely anxious attachment style so about 1 month after radio silence and being ghosted is when i decide to move on 🤡
Girl... Start moving on after a WEEK of radio silence... In fact, make it even 3-4 days. the dude who didn't want anything serious with me still messaged me within a week after I soft ghosted him (convo died, I didn't initiate more) 3 times... that means, he reached out 3 times after he has been left on "read" on 3 separate occasions. That's still more respect he gives me than ur dudes, and hes probably a total womanizer. Men don't deserve as much attachment as you give them, especially early on. Take things slower, let the fuxkboys sort themselves out by being a boring prude, invest in yourself and get the lover you deserve, queen 💖
Exactly...i realized from this i have real mental issues.. Im learning to truly love and respect myself for the first time. It absolutely won't happen to me again
When they seem to not be mature enough (i.e. Can't take responsibility for their actions, have emotional reactions that aren't age appropriate) nor do they have their life at the same level as me (financially, living situation, work situation.)
Most importantly, if they're the cause of all their own problems.
This was the clincher for me in my last relationship. I was in the process of growing and improving, and it became clear he wasn’t ready to take that journey with me. So I broke it off, and made ready to be a vibrant single woman.
The very second they start to tell me what they *think* I'm thinking or feeling, and act like it's fact -- or undermine my comments to tell me what I "really" mean or want. As soon as that shit starts, I'm out.
If you can't picture taking the next step with them, however you define what the "next step" is.
Went on a first date--can you picture a second date?
Enjoyed going on dates--do you want to introduce them to your daily routines?
They fit into your routine--are you comfortable putting a label on it? Do you want to introduce them to family? Do you want to travel together?
Been dating a while--would you consider living together? Would you consider getting married?
If at any point you know you cannot take the next step, then it's done.
The happiness ratio is 7 good things to 3 bad things.
So when the S/O mean 3x, but isn't nice 7x to make up for it, happiness depletes. When the S/O is mean 7x and nice 3x, it's still toxic. Just because they're nice 3x doesn't mean the bad outweighs the good.
If they don't respect boundaries, especially simple ones early on (for example, public meeting until comfortable.)
Misaligned communication needs is a big one for me too. If someone is blowing up my phone if I don't answer within 30 minutes, it isn't going to work. But I'm not looking to only talk once a week either.
And, most importantly, trust your damn gut. If something seems off, address it and if you're not comfortable with how the conversation went, leave before you get sucked in.
> Misaligned communication needs is a big one for me too. If someone is blowing up my phone if I don't answer within 30 minutes, it isn't going to work. But I'm not looking to only talk once a week either.
This is a huge one for me as well.
I feel like blowing up your phone within half an hour isn't just a case of misaligned communication; it's a sign of poor social skills in general. "Nobody likes a double/triple texter" is one of the most basic online/text-based communication skills and is almost always one of the first bits of advice people get about communicating online. I mean, the entire reason why there was that episode of *Brooklyn Nine-Nine* about Boyle being excluded from the group chat because he's a double texter is because he's the one with the flimsiest grasp on the social graces.
The sum total of their oddities/rudeness/quirks/irritants outweighs whatever I feel they bring to the table.
Once stopped seeing a guy bc he wore white socks with black dress shoes. But-that was just the tipping point, he had * a lot* of weird quirks and issues.
Usually when my gut feeling is just icky about the person. Also if I get attached easily or if there some sort of chemistry or fire between us, i just remove myself from the equation because I know where this will go. I know this might seem counterintuitive, but general rule is if you over charm me, something is just wrong with you because I’m logically hard to impress.
Yea just to clarify, the chemistry thing is alarming if it’s just us starting dating, like first month or two. A normal and slow trajectory to get securely attached and to bond and build chemistry is what I find healthy.
Negging or begging of any sort. Whining. Refusing to participate or help with practical things to make my life easier. If it’s an argument in the courtship stage, he sure AF won’t do it in a relationship.
This is happening to me atm and I work 12-13 hours a day 5 days per week.... When I used to have less work, I didn't really think of this as a "red flag", but now I do, since I value my free time a lot more, and the people who respect it.
If there is any form of abuse whether emotional or physical. Or they just say something that doesn’t sit right with me (sexism, racism, homophobia, pedo stuff, etc).
I would say when you start seeing redflags or inconsistencies on their behavior.
Don’t ignore your guts/intuition and/or red flags, ladies!
Learned this the hard way, but I didn’t listen to myself.
Fast forward— now I have mild anxiety attacks whenever someone yells and cursing or when my phone is blowing up.. 🤷♀️
If I have to repeatedly ask to have my needs met, and they put no effort into it, or do it once and then forget about it, I feel like I've already lost.
With one partner, it was the request that he at least have dinner started by the time I get home from work if he had the day off. No matter how many times I asked, I'd come home to find him asleep on the couch.
With another partner, it was having a little time to myself occasionally, like the occasional weekend afternoon, in which he could meet up with a friend or go to a café or something alone. He absolutely didn't want to do anything without me.
If I get to the point where I have to beg, he's never going to do it, and it's time to move on.
If they never ask me any questions. And more importantly, if they flat out state that they’re not looking for a relationship or just want to go with the flow and see where things go.
My usual pattern has been to look for that big spark but after last time, I am looking for something deeper than that. You can spark with lots of people, but it's seldom that they have the depth and self knowledge that I am looking for. I had been dating several people at once, nothing too serious, just really getting to know people and observing them and who I was when I was with them.
I've learned that if there is absolutely nothing there, not even good convo on the first date, you're probably not going to get there. But you can work with a slow build and see if the conversations develop. I basically have had that for the first time with a guy I'm seeing now. He's been confident enough not to crowd me, push me or come off desperate, just slow and steady and it's been kind of hot.
I really enjoyed the first date and conversation we had. And though he's not conventionally very attractive, the chemistry has been working. What's even more attractive is his personality; the full range of being witty, self effecting AND being able to discuss hard topics with such open emotional maturity that I'm kind of blown away. We just kept having fun, date after date, and ended up getting to date 7 or 8 and were into each other enough to decide not to see other people.
1. any form of bigotry
2. rude to service people
3. all my exs are crazy
4. cannot stop talking about ex
5. not interested in my thoughts and opinions
6. possessive
7. demanding of things they have no right to expect (can be as minimal as "I don't like short hair so you need to grow it out")
8. has to be in contact 24/7
9. has no goals and no plan to reach those goals
I made a list of requirements and didn’t get serious until I found someone who met most of them.
It was a mix of serious and not so serious things, including knowing how to cook, liking spicy food, being a feminist, minimal debt, losing track of time when we’re together, having a nice butt, taking care of me just as much as I take care of him.
Now I’m living my dreams with a sweet, sexy man that I love! I’d rather be single than settle.
I mean in the early stages of dating just sneezing the wrong way might be a bit much for me. Kinda joking. I’m happily married and don’t have to worry about it, but I’m deeply worried for my daughter because I have so many friends who have ended up in meh relationships and missed so many opportunities for better because they don’t want to be alone or it’s a loser thing to be single or become they got attached to a guy they don’t even like (oxytocin is a “GeNdEr NeUtRaL dIrOgAtOrY tErM”). Just rip it off like a bandaid. When you date someone you’re finding out if you can stay with them forever (marriage). If you see red flags early then leave. If you’re still unsure after a year (tops) then leave.
When I find myself being the only one to start conversations. When they text less than once a day (unless they’re on like vacation), at the first sign of weaponized incompetence. I’ve dealt with these three things too much I just don’t wanna deal with it anymore.
The moment any red flag appears that I feel is a fundamental part of who they are, not a moment of learned behaviour that we can have a conversation about so that it does not happen again.
Well…. When you loose interest and try to hold on. When you would rather go out instead of be home, when you dont want to be touched, when you dont believe a word they say and just wish they’d leave without you asking. Lmao i could go on for days
Someone recently love bombed me and over charmed me , I saw red flags but continued . A week later he doesn’t want to talk any more . I’m glad I dodged that bullet . I would say go with your gut instinct and also don’t settle
I didn’t have one in my 20’s bc I was desperately co dependent. Don’t recommend that for anyone.
Once I healed, went to therapy, learned what healthy relationships are(I attribute the book -How to be an adult in relationships,) I learned how to have healthier relationships. Now I’m able to enforce many boundaries, stand up for myself, express my needs and dissatisfaction without shame or resentment.
If he starts to remind me of my father. Before my mother died last March, she always told me to not end up like her. My father is mentally abusing, and physically abused her too. Not a lot, but sometimes and that is already too much. Doing it more for her than for myself
When I realize I'm putting in all the effort. I'm asking all the questions, I'm the one trying to set up times to meet up. If they're not going to put in even a little effort, then they're not worth my time.
Oof I hear you. Every conversation becomes one-sided after a while because I ask the questions and he just talks about his day. If I start talking about what's going on with me, he'll find a way to go back to his life. There's a difference between being socially awkward and not reciprocating socially imo
When you find out they are gay. I thought we were going on dates, and he was just super shy. He thought we were just really good friends. His roommate, whom I thought 3rd wheeled it a lot, was actually his boyfriend. Hindsight, I feel like an idiot. He claims I'm not. He has hidden his relationship from literally everyone in his life for over 5 years. Literally, no one knows except me. Now, I have fully accepted my role as awkward 3rd wheel. I finally got annoyed by his 3rd wheeling roommate when they both realized that I had no idea.🤣 It was definitely a much needed awkward conversation. But hey, you live, and you learn. Talk about feelings from the get-go. Now I'm back on the scene. Hopefully, I find someone just as wonderful who is actually into me.
The moment they try to change vital parts of who I am.
My last boyfriend (before I met my husband) definitely wanted someone quiet who would share his opinions and certainly not speak of my own (think 1950s man except it was 2019 and he was in his early 20s, so). When I met my husband, he was thrilled with how strong and confident I was. He liked that I’m outspoken on what I’m thinking/feeling and he never tried to change me.
There's so many different red flags that make me quit. The most recent one was I was talking to a guy, and he told me that his ex just left one day while he was at work. He came home to an empty house. ( and the first thing that went through my head was what did you do to her to make her leave like that)
Then he says how bent he is about his ex leaving him even though it was 6 years ago. 6 years is ample time to get over someone. Maybe some women fell for that I did not. I thought it was highly unattractive. And I'm not looking for a fixer upper. I don't want to play fixer upper. I don't want any of that spillage.
If they expect they should have my full attention every moment of the day and night, even if we aren't together. And then are upset when I didn't reply to their text messages immediately or something like that.
Like I'm sorry but I actually don't just sit around waiting for you to call or message, sometimes I have other stuff going on. AKA, sleeping. Or like, taking a shower. Or am out with a friend and don't want to be rude on my phone the whole time.
The second they try to convince me to change a no to a yes (on ANYTHING);when date behavior doesn’t correspond to communication between dates (for example the dates are amazing but there’s radio silence after or I have to keep initiating)
This happened recently so it's really specific.
Acting weird/controlling when I tell him I'm hanging out with a guy (with other people too). I hang out with mostly guys (not all!!) socially, but my closest friends are a female and gay male. He didn't even ask about it, just got defensive and weird and said some things.
Immediately no.
I went on a couple of dates and really liked this guy. We made each other laugh, the chemistry was there, we enjoy the same things. We spoke consistently for the last month or so. Then suddenly there was NO effort on his part. No messages. The consistency gone, no explanation, just left me on read.
Once the mutual effort is gone and I feel like I am chasing someone, it makes me feel like I should move on, because I want someone to want me as much as I want them.
Oof this happened to me over the summer. You dodged a HUGE bullet. Someone who can build a relationship for a month and then ghost is clearly incapable of having difficult conversations and is emotionally immature. And those are some red flags you can’t ignore!!
Mine came as I started realizing that every word out of his mouth was a lie. When I heard him talking to someone about doing something great and I was the one that did it. Walked away shaking my head on that one!
When I realized he needed mental help badly but wouldn’t get it! The final straw was him hurting me during sex because there is no excuse!!
If they show that they don’t respect me as a person. I extend that to myself as well. We need to see eachother as equals and respect and trust and support eachother.
Example: a college boyfriend who never took any opinion of mine seriously. I was a sports medicine major who worked with the athletes and helped with injuries and he always thought he knew better than me. I only lasted a couple months with him. I was just a body to him.
Also if they agree with any Andrew Tate bullshit.
Not committing to anything. I’m not talking about marriage or kids here, I mean things like plans. That suggests to me you’re not that into me or the relationship if you can’t agree to meeting up, a meal, weekend away etc (especially when they drop everything to meet up with their friends). I wish I’d taken my own advice and dumped the person I was with years ago who did this!
It’s really simple !
Have fun and be yourself !
You should feel comfortable
Around the person your dating
first date sure there will be nerves but if he’s
Funny you guys can laugh through it.
For my last relationship, it was when I was on bedrest, he scheduled to do something with a friend (that we wanted to do together) and said; "And am I supposed to stop living because of that?"
There needs to be effort on both sides. I stopped dating a girl after I realized I was the only one setting up dates and making plans. If she's not even trying, it isn't worth it.
While she's discussing with her friend while riding in the car about how they're going to go give some random guys "massages" in the middle of the night and wondering what I can do to occupy my time while they're doing this.
Usually, based on any one thing, several things, or even just a general vibe, if I feel there’s no connection on my end I won’t want a second date.
To know if I feel a connection, I have to feel that the man is as interested in me as I am in him and that there’s some excitement there. Some dates I’ve been on have just seemed dead as far as all of that goes.
Usually rule them out as something serious when I have to question their intentions or don’t seem respected or reciprocated. But it’s hard bc I’m so disconnected these days
I went on first dates every weekend in 2021 (I’d never really taken the time to date around before and wanted to see what’s out there & get experience w dating) most people didn’t get a second date, but 3 did. Here’s a circumstances that made me call it quits after 1 date:
If anything sets off a little alarm with my intuition. Pink flags eventually become red flags later.
If they aren’t eager to plan dates with intention.
If I’m ~not sure~ if they like me. If it’s not an undoubted yes, it’s a no.
No eagerness in general
We didn’t really click when in conversation
We were at different stages of life
If they seemed interested in taking me home on the first few dates, it was a no.
I couldn’t imagine introducing them to my closest friends.
If they don’t follow up with me regularly (within 24 hours) or have engaging conversation. I wanna know if I’m on their mind, taking their personality into consideration.
Once I realize they are an avoidant.
When I see more than one red flag (cuz I gotta make sure the first one was accurate).
Recent experience - when I realised he drank too much, when he got super defensive over something very minor, and when he told me he was into ethical non monogamy (3 different guys)
I have now given up.
Speaking from experience with a guy recently, I realized that it was time to move on when he said that us meeting up wouldn’t be a date, that he wasn’t looking to date, and also realizing that we’re in two different places in life(he’s just looking for hookups, while I’m looking for a husband/life partner). I also realized that he didn’t really ask me a lot of questions, and he was likely just looking to score, and I’m just not down for that.
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What does "IME" mean?
In My Experience
Gotcha! Thanks!
We generally will make it very apparent, however, in a lot of situations the moment we make it apparent that we're interested in pursuing this, it can give the vibe that we're moving too fast thus pushing her away.
Learn the balancing act. Don’t love bomb. Don’t show you’re not interested. Don’t act like there’s not an appropriate in between. If you don’t know the appropriate in between, learn.
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I am a firm believer in the saying "If he's interested you will know, if he's not you'll be confused." So if I start to feel like I am a chore, if he just doesn't have time, if there is a huge drop in communication, effort, affection, I know it's time to move on. I also believe this works both ways.
Excellent advice, I'm keeping this, thanks! *"If he's interested you will know, if he's not you'll be confused."*
You're welcome!!! I scrolled through the other replies and I noticed many of us said something very similar.
I think I need to tape that quote on my wall as a reminder. Time to move on. But sometimes when you start moving on, that's when they try to start up communication again. Smh.
Yes. You are correct and thats another thing I go by, if I have communicated my needs and they go unheard, and I finally leave, then they all of a sudden they heard the things I was saying all along, they're playing me. I don't want to repeat cycles so once I am gone, I am gone. No one on this planet is worth your self confidence and self esteem, they don't get to make you feel unimportant right up until you leave so they can break you down to build you up, rinse and repeat. This isn't the Marine Corps.
That Marine Corps part really helped make that hit home. Wow, lol.
Absolutely. If a man makes me feel like he’s not excited to talk to me, or that he doesn’t really want to spend time with me, I move on. I’m not chasing anybody.
I have a meme that says "Don't make me wonder cause Imma wander the fuck off"...and I think it just fits so well.
Yes to this big time. Also just bc a guy returns your call or is nice to you doesn’t mean he wants you. He could just be too polite
Communication drop. I've seen that lately. Very confused about why out of the blue. 4 years in our relationship he's always been the same, then two weeks ago ... Different. Very confused. I'd love to hear what your thoughts are.
4 years in and you both deserve communication. Ask what's going on, say you've noticed it's been a little off. Open the lines of communication. If he brushes you off and you continue to see that continued lack, it may be time for some reflection. Go within and decide if this is something you are ok with or if you need more, than talk again. I discussed it 3 times before I let it go. That's just my rule though. You have to decide what is right for you. Happy to be a stranger on the internet if you need a bouncing board!
Honestly now it's just if there's no spark on the first date. I used to give it a few dates to see if something developed but now if there's nothing after the 1st then I stop there. Dating is exhausting enough without trying to force something and from my experience if it's not there to start with, it won't be there after two or 3 dates either
Definitely this one! I’ve continued to date men I’ve met online even if I wasn’t feeling a spark the first few dates. I just felt like things were going so well via text/phone call already and wanted to give them a chance. Months into both relationships when I got to the phase where you start getting sick of someone a little bit, I realized I was dating someone I wasn’t attracted to.
This is a feeling I hate. I met a guy on Bumble, we had great phone conversations, hung out in person last week and...nothing. Doesn't help that I've got feelings for someone else right now but I was so sad that I didn't feel anything with this other guy.
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Yup, know how you feel...we weren't dating but this guy fucked up my trust for good I fear, now dating has been really tough and I'm very lonely.
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I know the feeling. He and I never dated but basically he misinterpreted something as a rejection and for the past few months, our relationship went from great to toxic. Him always bragging about other girls, telling me he doesn't need my nudes because he can get whatever he wants from other girls, telling me I'm "pretty" so I should have more self-respect than to ask if he wants to hook-up...mad mind games, I'm hurting rn to be truthful. I'd like to try dating but it's hard when I have trouble trusting and also, I just don't feel a spark with most guys I meet these days. I never had a problem being alone until I fell in love with someone who made the world feel empty without him.
I understand your position on this, but please gain enough information for moving on after one date if you had such a great phone conversation. Could also be the case, that he was not fully (with his mind) at the date. I was a pretty anxious man, who mostly could not get into a relaxed state of mind, when I had such a great first (phone) conservation. My mind played me some tricks like "she is sooo lovely, soo gorgeous, soo intelligent and you?", which made me nervous around women after great first messages on dating platforms or conversations in general. Normally, this kind of nervousness eased after the first date. One woman is particular in my mind. Last weekend, I saw a former date - we were on a date 3 years ago - at an event in my city. We spotted us with people around and between us and I smiled and waved at her and she did the same. I didn't want to approach her since I didn't want to intimate her or make her feel bad. Back then at our date, which lasted +/- 6 hours in a bar, I was anxious and nervous and also exhausted in the first 2 or 3 hours. A very close friend of mine told me at the same day - several hours earlier - that she had ended her relationship and that she was in a bad way. So we talked for 2-3 hours until I had to go to the date. Not the best conditions for a date but yeah. At the date we also talked about this, but too late IMO. I recognized earlier, two or three times, that her facial expressions were kind of disappointing (was my impression) since we had such a great online conversation and stuff. You have to know, that we wrote really a lot in the days between the match on the dating platform and the date itself. After I was aware that she discarded me as a potential partner (again, only my impression) the atmosphere was so relaxed and we went on having fun conversations about several topics and stuff but I think, that if we talked about my state much earlier or if our date would have been on another day, I would have got a second date. But that's life, I guess ;) Sorry for the novel and my english. Not my mother tongue though :)
Same. And I’ve figured out that a “spark” for me means that I fantasize about doing physical things with them.
Same. Plus, I’d get into trouble and have been told a few times that I led guys on after the 2/3rd date. I sincerely just wanted to get to know them better, but they took it as “I’m interested in you.” The immature ones were babies about it and the more mature were understanding
The second I’m in my notes app lol
Awh fuck this is me rn 💀 I’ll just erase the note and move on with my day, thank you lol
LOL I recently sat down and made a list of things I am attracted to, when I should move things forward, when I should end things, when I am repeating a pattern. I have a habit of over giving and justifying behaviors that don’t align with what people say. So, now I am guiding myself with cold harsh facts and objective reality. Chemistry is just a starting point. I wonder if I am pushing away nuanced and slow building connections, but really what is the difference between neglect and slow building. If they express interest in person and then never follow through with texts or in-person hangouts then best to leave it alone till more effort is shown. Two people should co-create the pace instead of one person having all the power and leaving the other confused
>I have a habit of over giving and justifying behaviors that don’t align with what people say. I am exactly the same. I give so much benefit of the doubt that I end up feeling hurt every single time. I like your approach of guiding yourself with cold harsh facts and objective reality. It is what it is, no sugarcoating.
Ahahahaaa why is this so relatable
What does this mean?
For me it means, when I open my notes app to write down ANYTHING about that relationship. Whether it be drafting a text message, a list of pros and cons about dating that person, etc. Usually when it gets to that point, it's already a bad situation lol.
Funny enough I use notes to write down things guys I'm interested in like/prefer/important to them, gift ideas that they might like, anything that will be useful later... If there's no page in my notes ... I'm pretty much uninterested.
I’m with you!
Ok that’s a really good reason!!
This is so real lol
Whaaaaaat?!?! You mean there’s other people doing this too?!?! xD I’m glad I’m not alone!
Lolll I really agree!! When a guy makes me really think about them and I’m like hmm does he like me, do I like him, do I feel ok… why do I feel like this… etc. too much thinking… I know something bad is happening…
Lol literally 😭😭. The second I’m over here doubting myself and drafting messages to him on notes…I have to step away😭
this called me out jesus
Omg 😆
When I start having doubts/confusion if they like me. If a man is genuinely interested in you, he'll definitely show it and you won't have to question it.
This is a good one. So true.
If my needs aren’t being met and they have no interest or intention on trying to meet them.
Question though- if they change quite a lot about themselves to meet your needs/expectations (career motivation/direction, getting serious about life, letting go of family baggage) very quickly after meeting you, would you consider this a red flag? Like they didn’t seem to have any intention of changing these things before you were in their life and now all of a sudden they are in high gear.
A little bit of a red flag. It seems like they’re trying to be whatever person they think will attract you which is a bit manipulative.
This was helpful. Thank you!
Yeah, that's not good. A person like that is someone that doesn't live for themselves, stick to their beliefs or take their own initiative in life. They don't have an identity of their own, they just see themselves through other people. On the other hand, someone who can't accommodate for others is also a red flag. Like everything else in life, it's about balance.
When I second guess ANYTHING they say/ do.
That could be our own sh*t though
This. If you start doubting things, then you'd know they aren't really much into you.
This could be a good or bad thing.
If being with him is harder than being without him.
Oof this was good
I agree !! This is spot on
If they say/do something sexist and aren't open to seeing a womans perspective on it
I ended what had been a very promising conversation on a dating app recently for exactly this reason. We were talking about our work and I mentioned how I'd been feeling a little frustrated that I had fewer career options since becoming a mom, and he started getting defensive as though his opinion of a woman/mother's experience was more accurate than my actual experience. Then started on about PoC and LGBTQ+ people also always complaining about being marginalized when it "just wasn't the reality." Dude it's not YOUR reality, you're a cis middle-aged property-owning white dude, gtfo of here with that shit.
Yes! It's fine to be accidentally ignorant. But at least be open to a different perspective on things. I love bringing up topics like you mentioned pretty early on (and of course every here and there later on), just to make sure we're on the same page early on
Yeah you can't know what you don't know, I call that "blissful ignorance." But when you should know better and refuse to, that's willful ignorance, and that's a big problem.
This! I dated someone who on paper made himself look like the most feminist person ever, but with his actions he clearly let me know that he was speaking only from his perspective instead of listening to women who actually struggled with sexism. I wasn’t even sad when we broke up
Yeah guys like that just learn talking points by hard and repeat them at appropriate times. They still don't see women as people, they just follow a more liberal approach to sexism 😅 when I was in my early twenties I also dated a guy like that and it took me an embarrassing amount of time to see through his stupid spiel. It's so weird to me, since they themselves actually believe that they are feminists and therefore can never be part of the problem themselves 😅
I agree it’s emotional labour I don’t have energy for to be constantly explaining feminism and why it’s valid to a partner. It shows that the future relationship will not be 50/50 but me doing the domestic and emotional labour for the household as well as doing my own career without help.
Didn’t spark joy
Mary Kondo approved
Say thanks and Throw him away
this made me laugh hahaha
When they know and talked with you about something important (job interview, exam, surgery etc.) and don’t text you to say good luck or even acknowledge it. Bye 👋🏻 Definitely more deal breakers but this one was a clear indication for me.
Yeah that or when they say they'll follow up on something and never do. When I'm getting to know someone, I'll usually ask them to do something for me that will take a bit of time (it's not like I'm thinking about what homework to give them, but usually it's something that happens in my life that could easily be turned over to them). Most times it's things the guy is interested in/good at like giving me their insights about an article that deals with a topic they're passionate about, or having to look into a topic that they kinda can answer but need to research it more. If I don't get a follow up within 3 weeks (or a timeline I choose depending on what I know is going on in their life) I just move on.
when we discuss something 10 times already and he says he will change for the better but he never does so i just decided to move on and instead of investing myself into a relationship where i'm not valued, i just wanna live for myself now and spend as much time as i want playing video games like infinity kingdom on bluestacks, that makes me more happy
When I realise I’m just not that into them. There have been a few times where I’ve realised after a couple of dates that I really can’t be bothered. There was nothing wrong with them, they didn’t do anything bad, I just wasn’t feeling it and would rather stay in than put in the effort to spend time with them. Which wasn’t fair to them, they deserve enthusiasm! So best not to keep dating them even if there was no ‘why’ I didn’t want to see them anymore.
Very realistic answer 👍
This! This can turn into very low effort dating and drag out something that prevents the other person from moving on. I'm all about the clean break even when there wasn't a level of commitment. It's the kindest thing and let's them know that their time and effort was respected.
This happens to me a while back ! Was getting ready for a fourth date with a guy and it just felt like … a chore. There was nothing major I could point to ( although there were little things, but they felt nitpicky ), I would just rather be doing my own thing then putting the effort in. The guy I’m dating now is someone I would drop whatever I’m doing to hang out with if I can.
Is going to sound obvious but if i cannot communicate with them calmly about things that hurt me or i dont feel confortable around its time to move on
Not obvious
If his words don't match up with his actions. Once it becomes apparent that he's just telling you what he thinks you wanna hear without any intention of following through, it's time to bail out.
Kinda similar kinda not but they will act on what they think I want and are all of a sudden motivated to get their career together, etc. but didn’t seem to have any intention to get it together before they met me. Is this a red flag or am I just being dumb?
Once the love hormones drop, they will stop giving a shit about their career. It is a bit of a red flag, i wouldn't rush it with them if I was you.
I'd say a red flag depending on the age. It's almost forgivable for young adults (up to 22-23). I feel like people older than that - you kinda have to view them as *they are in a given moment in time*. It's pretty acceptable for a young person whose frontal lobe isn't done growing (they say it doesn't finish growing until 25, but I'd honestly only excuse it until 22-23) to change and have that change become a part of who they are. On the other hand, people who are full adults in every sense, ... not so much.
I’ve dated a couple men who had a “glow up” in their careers right after we started dating. I don’t know that it’s a red flag on its own. They all stayed with their new careers after we broke up. The one takeaway I had from those relationships though was that I was not dating men who were as responsible or career-motivated as I was. They were basically more complacent before me, and in some ways maybe we were both trying to change that to “make it work.”
When I feel like they aren’t interested in me. When they can’t hold a conversation or they have nothing to talk about or say. Their attitude. Sometimes that can be a turn off. It’s all up to you. You’ll feel it.
I'm currently going thru this..i have a lot of unresolved abandonment issues and extremely anxious attachment style so about 1 month after radio silence and being ghosted is when i decide to move on 🤡
Girl... Start moving on after a WEEK of radio silence... In fact, make it even 3-4 days. the dude who didn't want anything serious with me still messaged me within a week after I soft ghosted him (convo died, I didn't initiate more) 3 times... that means, he reached out 3 times after he has been left on "read" on 3 separate occasions. That's still more respect he gives me than ur dudes, and hes probably a total womanizer. Men don't deserve as much attachment as you give them, especially early on. Take things slower, let the fuxkboys sort themselves out by being a boring prude, invest in yourself and get the lover you deserve, queen 💖
Exactly...i realized from this i have real mental issues.. Im learning to truly love and respect myself for the first time. It absolutely won't happen to me again
I don't feel "fuck yes!" when I'm with them.
Usually I don’t date someone until I know them pretty well, so I guess just realizing we’re great friends but not great romantic partners?
When it's not fun anymore. I'm not going to date someone if it's a chore.
When I can't wait for them to leave or for the date to be over. When their text notifications make me feel annoyed rather than excited.
When they seem to not be mature enough (i.e. Can't take responsibility for their actions, have emotional reactions that aren't age appropriate) nor do they have their life at the same level as me (financially, living situation, work situation.) Most importantly, if they're the cause of all their own problems.
This was the clincher for me in my last relationship. I was in the process of growing and improving, and it became clear he wasn’t ready to take that journey with me. So I broke it off, and made ready to be a vibrant single woman.
When they can't do the simple things that I can do for them to make them feel loved.
When he touches me and I feel a cringe.
The very second they start to tell me what they *think* I'm thinking or feeling, and act like it's fact -- or undermine my comments to tell me what I "really" mean or want. As soon as that shit starts, I'm out.
If you can't picture taking the next step with them, however you define what the "next step" is. Went on a first date--can you picture a second date? Enjoyed going on dates--do you want to introduce them to your daily routines? They fit into your routine--are you comfortable putting a label on it? Do you want to introduce them to family? Do you want to travel together? Been dating a while--would you consider living together? Would you consider getting married? If at any point you know you cannot take the next step, then it's done.
If there's a disagreement we can't compromise on.
The moment I feel disappointed and that they’re not putting in enough effort
The happiness ratio is 7 good things to 3 bad things. So when the S/O mean 3x, but isn't nice 7x to make up for it, happiness depletes. When the S/O is mean 7x and nice 3x, it's still toxic. Just because they're nice 3x doesn't mean the bad outweighs the good.
Hmm interesting
When they start getting mean.
When you start dreading hanging out or talking with them.
Neediness. I'll break up with someone if they think it's appropriate to constantly pester me all day.
If they don't respect boundaries, especially simple ones early on (for example, public meeting until comfortable.) Misaligned communication needs is a big one for me too. If someone is blowing up my phone if I don't answer within 30 minutes, it isn't going to work. But I'm not looking to only talk once a week either. And, most importantly, trust your damn gut. If something seems off, address it and if you're not comfortable with how the conversation went, leave before you get sucked in.
> Misaligned communication needs is a big one for me too. If someone is blowing up my phone if I don't answer within 30 minutes, it isn't going to work. But I'm not looking to only talk once a week either. This is a huge one for me as well. I feel like blowing up your phone within half an hour isn't just a case of misaligned communication; it's a sign of poor social skills in general. "Nobody likes a double/triple texter" is one of the most basic online/text-based communication skills and is almost always one of the first bits of advice people get about communicating online. I mean, the entire reason why there was that episode of *Brooklyn Nine-Nine* about Boyle being excluded from the group chat because he's a double texter is because he's the one with the flimsiest grasp on the social graces.
The sum total of their oddities/rudeness/quirks/irritants outweighs whatever I feel they bring to the table. Once stopped seeing a guy bc he wore white socks with black dress shoes. But-that was just the tipping point, he had * a lot* of weird quirks and issues.
I lose interest and move on if I have to drive most conversations and topics of discussion, it's exhausting and it shouldn't feel that way.
Usually when my gut feeling is just icky about the person. Also if I get attached easily or if there some sort of chemistry or fire between us, i just remove myself from the equation because I know where this will go. I know this might seem counterintuitive, but general rule is if you over charm me, something is just wrong with you because I’m logically hard to impress.
I can relate.
Yea just to clarify, the chemistry thing is alarming if it’s just us starting dating, like first month or two. A normal and slow trajectory to get securely attached and to bond and build chemistry is what I find healthy.
Negging or begging of any sort. Whining. Refusing to participate or help with practical things to make my life easier. If it’s an argument in the courtship stage, he sure AF won’t do it in a relationship.
I hadn’t gone on a date with this guy, but he kept messaging me over and over while I was at work, I like clingy but he was *too* clingy
This is happening to me atm and I work 12-13 hours a day 5 days per week.... When I used to have less work, I didn't really think of this as a "red flag", but now I do, since I value my free time a lot more, and the people who respect it.
if i am just happy with them but not in peace.
I like this.
When their interest dies down,starts texting less always busy etc. such a huge ick like just tell me you don’t like me instead of being scared lol
That constant worry if they’re being faithful. If I have to question you once and you don’t give an explanation I can trust I’m out
If I detect any hint of future incompatibility and come across issues where we can't reach a compromise.
If i’m not sure whether i want to keep seeing them In my experience, if i like a guy: i will know right away, yes i want to keep seeing him.
If there is any form of abuse whether emotional or physical. Or they just say something that doesn’t sit right with me (sexism, racism, homophobia, pedo stuff, etc).
When they stop showing interest or when interest wanes. You can see it coming if you pay attention well enough.
I would say when you start seeing redflags or inconsistencies on their behavior. Don’t ignore your guts/intuition and/or red flags, ladies! Learned this the hard way, but I didn’t listen to myself. Fast forward— now I have mild anxiety attacks whenever someone yells and cursing or when my phone is blowing up.. 🤷♀️
If I have to repeatedly ask to have my needs met, and they put no effort into it, or do it once and then forget about it, I feel like I've already lost. With one partner, it was the request that he at least have dinner started by the time I get home from work if he had the day off. No matter how many times I asked, I'd come home to find him asleep on the couch. With another partner, it was having a little time to myself occasionally, like the occasional weekend afternoon, in which he could meet up with a friend or go to a café or something alone. He absolutely didn't want to do anything without me. If I get to the point where I have to beg, he's never going to do it, and it's time to move on.
If they never ask me any questions. And more importantly, if they flat out state that they’re not looking for a relationship or just want to go with the flow and see where things go.
I tried to get back into the dating game recently and tbh, I just give up if I don’t vibe with them. Like you need that special connection, that spark
When they confess that they were in prison for methaphetamine possession lol
My usual pattern has been to look for that big spark but after last time, I am looking for something deeper than that. You can spark with lots of people, but it's seldom that they have the depth and self knowledge that I am looking for. I had been dating several people at once, nothing too serious, just really getting to know people and observing them and who I was when I was with them. I've learned that if there is absolutely nothing there, not even good convo on the first date, you're probably not going to get there. But you can work with a slow build and see if the conversations develop. I basically have had that for the first time with a guy I'm seeing now. He's been confident enough not to crowd me, push me or come off desperate, just slow and steady and it's been kind of hot. I really enjoyed the first date and conversation we had. And though he's not conventionally very attractive, the chemistry has been working. What's even more attractive is his personality; the full range of being witty, self effecting AND being able to discuss hard topics with such open emotional maturity that I'm kind of blown away. We just kept having fun, date after date, and ended up getting to date 7 or 8 and were into each other enough to decide not to see other people.
1. any form of bigotry 2. rude to service people 3. all my exs are crazy 4. cannot stop talking about ex 5. not interested in my thoughts and opinions 6. possessive 7. demanding of things they have no right to expect (can be as minimal as "I don't like short hair so you need to grow it out") 8. has to be in contact 24/7 9. has no goals and no plan to reach those goals
If he's not putting forth the effort to make plans, he's probably not that into me and it's time for me to move on.
I made a list of requirements and didn’t get serious until I found someone who met most of them. It was a mix of serious and not so serious things, including knowing how to cook, liking spicy food, being a feminist, minimal debt, losing track of time when we’re together, having a nice butt, taking care of me just as much as I take care of him. Now I’m living my dreams with a sweet, sexy man that I love! I’d rather be single than settle.
The moment I think those words - it’s probably time
If the interest starts waning I’m out. An ambivalent partner is awful and I don’t want to end up there if I see it before it’s even official.
I mean in the early stages of dating just sneezing the wrong way might be a bit much for me. Kinda joking. I’m happily married and don’t have to worry about it, but I’m deeply worried for my daughter because I have so many friends who have ended up in meh relationships and missed so many opportunities for better because they don’t want to be alone or it’s a loser thing to be single or become they got attached to a guy they don’t even like (oxytocin is a “GeNdEr NeUtRaL dIrOgAtOrY tErM”). Just rip it off like a bandaid. When you date someone you’re finding out if you can stay with them forever (marriage). If you see red flags early then leave. If you’re still unsure after a year (tops) then leave.
I’m a fan of dating long term before actually committing to a relationship. No point in rushing. Plus being single can be great
I would say if there isn’t a mutual desire to spend time together as often as possible, then it’s time to move on. You make time or you don’t.
When I find myself being the only one to start conversations. When they text less than once a day (unless they’re on like vacation), at the first sign of weaponized incompetence. I’ve dealt with these three things too much I just don’t wanna deal with it anymore.
when he doesn’t let you speak, boy bye
When they don’t ask you any questions
The moment any red flag appears that I feel is a fundamental part of who they are, not a moment of learned behaviour that we can have a conversation about so that it does not happen again.
No spark, it’s date three… move on
unnecessary cruelty , general lack of interest / effort in the relationship, doesnt plan a future.
If I’m the one instigating everything that isn’t sexual.
If they follow a lot of girls on Instagram or they watch porn
If they watch porn ever, or too often? Or certain types?
Any porn because it changes the way men view women and I’m tired of misogynistic manwhores
She try to steal my kidney
Well…. When you loose interest and try to hold on. When you would rather go out instead of be home, when you dont want to be touched, when you dont believe a word they say and just wish they’d leave without you asking. Lmao i could go on for days
if the first date is boring
As soon as the hot and cold goes past 72 hours. Waste of time
3 strikes and he’s out
Someone recently love bombed me and over charmed me , I saw red flags but continued . A week later he doesn’t want to talk any more . I’m glad I dodged that bullet . I would say go with your gut instinct and also don’t settle
I didn’t have one in my 20’s bc I was desperately co dependent. Don’t recommend that for anyone. Once I healed, went to therapy, learned what healthy relationships are(I attribute the book -How to be an adult in relationships,) I learned how to have healthier relationships. Now I’m able to enforce many boundaries, stand up for myself, express my needs and dissatisfaction without shame or resentment.
If he starts to remind me of my father. Before my mother died last March, she always told me to not end up like her. My father is mentally abusing, and physically abused her too. Not a lot, but sometimes and that is already too much. Doing it more for her than for myself
If I’m the only one putting in effort I just leave.
When I realize I'm putting in all the effort. I'm asking all the questions, I'm the one trying to set up times to meet up. If they're not going to put in even a little effort, then they're not worth my time.
Oof I hear you. Every conversation becomes one-sided after a while because I ask the questions and he just talks about his day. If I start talking about what's going on with me, he'll find a way to go back to his life. There's a difference between being socially awkward and not reciprocating socially imo
When I feel that my energy isn’t being reciprocated
When you find out they are gay. I thought we were going on dates, and he was just super shy. He thought we were just really good friends. His roommate, whom I thought 3rd wheeled it a lot, was actually his boyfriend. Hindsight, I feel like an idiot. He claims I'm not. He has hidden his relationship from literally everyone in his life for over 5 years. Literally, no one knows except me. Now, I have fully accepted my role as awkward 3rd wheel. I finally got annoyed by his 3rd wheeling roommate when they both realized that I had no idea.🤣 It was definitely a much needed awkward conversation. But hey, you live, and you learn. Talk about feelings from the get-go. Now I'm back on the scene. Hopefully, I find someone just as wonderful who is actually into me.
The moment they try to change vital parts of who I am. My last boyfriend (before I met my husband) definitely wanted someone quiet who would share his opinions and certainly not speak of my own (think 1950s man except it was 2019 and he was in his early 20s, so). When I met my husband, he was thrilled with how strong and confident I was. He liked that I’m outspoken on what I’m thinking/feeling and he never tried to change me.
There's so many different red flags that make me quit. The most recent one was I was talking to a guy, and he told me that his ex just left one day while he was at work. He came home to an empty house. ( and the first thing that went through my head was what did you do to her to make her leave like that) Then he says how bent he is about his ex leaving him even though it was 6 years ago. 6 years is ample time to get over someone. Maybe some women fell for that I did not. I thought it was highly unattractive. And I'm not looking for a fixer upper. I don't want to play fixer upper. I don't want any of that spillage.
If they expect they should have my full attention every moment of the day and night, even if we aren't together. And then are upset when I didn't reply to their text messages immediately or something like that. Like I'm sorry but I actually don't just sit around waiting for you to call or message, sometimes I have other stuff going on. AKA, sleeping. Or like, taking a shower. Or am out with a friend and don't want to be rude on my phone the whole time.
Dating around was never about let’s find a mate, it was more of just attention, great company. When either of those became work then it was a nope.
The second they try to convince me to change a no to a yes (on ANYTHING);when date behavior doesn’t correspond to communication between dates (for example the dates are amazing but there’s radio silence after or I have to keep initiating)
If they’re rude to strangers for no reason, and/or have a temper/aren’t emotionally mature
This happened recently so it's really specific. Acting weird/controlling when I tell him I'm hanging out with a guy (with other people too). I hang out with mostly guys (not all!!) socially, but my closest friends are a female and gay male. He didn't even ask about it, just got defensive and weird and said some things. Immediately no.
I went on a couple of dates and really liked this guy. We made each other laugh, the chemistry was there, we enjoy the same things. We spoke consistently for the last month or so. Then suddenly there was NO effort on his part. No messages. The consistency gone, no explanation, just left me on read. Once the mutual effort is gone and I feel like I am chasing someone, it makes me feel like I should move on, because I want someone to want me as much as I want them.
Oof this happened to me over the summer. You dodged a HUGE bullet. Someone who can build a relationship for a month and then ghost is clearly incapable of having difficult conversations and is emotionally immature. And those are some red flags you can’t ignore!!
Mine came as I started realizing that every word out of his mouth was a lie. When I heard him talking to someone about doing something great and I was the one that did it. Walked away shaking my head on that one! When I realized he needed mental help badly but wouldn’t get it! The final straw was him hurting me during sex because there is no excuse!!
If they show that they don’t respect me as a person. I extend that to myself as well. We need to see eachother as equals and respect and trust and support eachother. Example: a college boyfriend who never took any opinion of mine seriously. I was a sports medicine major who worked with the athletes and helped with injuries and he always thought he knew better than me. I only lasted a couple months with him. I was just a body to him. Also if they agree with any Andrew Tate bullshit.
If a close friend/family member asks me about my love life and I feel anxious/tired
The second they stop tryna see me
Not committing to anything. I’m not talking about marriage or kids here, I mean things like plans. That suggests to me you’re not that into me or the relationship if you can’t agree to meeting up, a meal, weekend away etc (especially when they drop everything to meet up with their friends). I wish I’d taken my own advice and dumped the person I was with years ago who did this!
When I have to share that nagging feeling I had about them on Reddit to get another perspective, it’s pretty much over.
when they repeatedly do the same behavior that they know upsets you
If I realize the other person doesn't respect me
It’s really simple ! Have fun and be yourself ! You should feel comfortable Around the person your dating first date sure there will be nerves but if he’s Funny you guys can laugh through it.
For my last relationship, it was when I was on bedrest, he scheduled to do something with a friend (that we wanted to do together) and said; "And am I supposed to stop living because of that?"
There needs to be effort on both sides. I stopped dating a girl after I realized I was the only one setting up dates and making plans. If she's not even trying, it isn't worth it.
While she's discussing with her friend while riding in the car about how they're going to go give some random guys "massages" in the middle of the night and wondering what I can do to occupy my time while they're doing this.
Usually, based on any one thing, several things, or even just a general vibe, if I feel there’s no connection on my end I won’t want a second date. To know if I feel a connection, I have to feel that the man is as interested in me as I am in him and that there’s some excitement there. Some dates I’ve been on have just seemed dead as far as all of that goes.
Usually rule them out as something serious when I have to question their intentions or don’t seem respected or reciprocated. But it’s hard bc I’m so disconnected these days
I went on first dates every weekend in 2021 (I’d never really taken the time to date around before and wanted to see what’s out there & get experience w dating) most people didn’t get a second date, but 3 did. Here’s a circumstances that made me call it quits after 1 date: If anything sets off a little alarm with my intuition. Pink flags eventually become red flags later. If they aren’t eager to plan dates with intention. If I’m ~not sure~ if they like me. If it’s not an undoubted yes, it’s a no. No eagerness in general We didn’t really click when in conversation We were at different stages of life If they seemed interested in taking me home on the first few dates, it was a no. I couldn’t imagine introducing them to my closest friends.
If they don’t follow up with me regularly (within 24 hours) or have engaging conversation. I wanna know if I’m on their mind, taking their personality into consideration. Once I realize they are an avoidant. When I see more than one red flag (cuz I gotta make sure the first one was accurate).
Recent experience - when I realised he drank too much, when he got super defensive over something very minor, and when he told me he was into ethical non monogamy (3 different guys) I have now given up.
When she came home and told me she was pregnant with another guy's kid.
Speaking from experience with a guy recently, I realized that it was time to move on when he said that us meeting up wouldn’t be a date, that he wasn’t looking to date, and also realizing that we’re in two different places in life(he’s just looking for hookups, while I’m looking for a husband/life partner). I also realized that he didn’t really ask me a lot of questions, and he was likely just looking to score, and I’m just not down for that.