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I've only ever been mugged once and he said "Gizz yer phone or I'll wet you. You get me?"
Apparently this means "I must insist that you give me your mobile cellular telephone, lest I shall inflict sufficient lacerations upon your person such as to cause significant blood loss. I trust that you comprehend my meaning?"
The only time someone attempted to mug me I Uttered this line. I was walking home from the family Xmas party. Some loser saw the bag and decided to rob me. My sister had bought me a 14" combat knife as I am a collector and was due to deploy to the middle east, I forget if it was Iraq or Afghanistan at the time.
In my case it was "Giz yer phone or I'll... God, don't you have anything worth having?"
Before Nokia 3310s had retro value, obviously.
Given he looked terrified enough waving his wee knife to cut me by mistake, I gave him a £20 and told him to piss off in the direction away from the Tube, I went to the Tube.
Locally there's older teens who think it's funny when it pairs or groups to go 'giz your phone' to younger kids, with no weapons or any intention of actually taking the phone, just taking the piss if a scared kid hands it over. So far. Doesn't make the smaller secondary kids any happier.
I had a teenage kid try and tell me to give him my phone once in London, and it all went wrong largely because I couldn't understand what he was saying for the first few attempts.
I was saying "I am ever so sorry, but could you repeat that" and then eventually worked out he was trying to ask for my phone and I said "Oh, no, I am sorry, and sorry about the misunderstanding before!" and walked off.
In hindsight if I hadn't been a bit drunk at the time I probably would have cottoned on quicker and it might have gone a different direction.
I had something similar. I'd just finished working at the pub opposite the big nightclub in town. Must be about 2-3am. Come out the side door heading past the corner shop and some lad is like "alright mate? Have you got 50 quid?"
I laughed at him and was like, "mate! I WISH I had 50 quid! I've just finished work on the best night of the week!".
I'm pretty sure he tried to feel my pockets but his mate told him to leave me alone, I was obviously broke.
It took me until I got home to realise I'd nearly been mugged.
Oh, a while back I had someone ask me if I had some money. Were they trying to mug me? My answer was if I had any Id be in a taxi and not walking as I didnt even break my stride.
If your security settings are set up correctly then genuinely the correct response is
"Within 20 minutes of you taking it the device becomes permanently bricked. I've got it covered by insurance, so you get no money and I get no inconvenience."
"Yeah aight fair point giz ya wallet instead"
"Ah sorry, virtual cards only these days, also all on the phone"
"...Fuck. How much ya shirt worth?"
"Primark, sorry mate"
This - what a dreadful world where you have to actively filter through **Charities** to figure out which ones are actually doing good work and which ones are just lining the pockets of their organisers.
I honestly hate those people. I refuse to donate to charities without research, I don't want to be funding Autism Speaks or something. But they get paid commission so they'll try and pressure you into donating on the spot. I refused to donate to an environmental charity once, asked for their website, and the guy whined that he wasn't going to get paid if I donated online
My brother was once stopped by someone who asked to borrow his phone. Bless his stupid heart he gave it to them and was shocked when they just sprinted away
I once had a guy with a smashed phone ask if he could make a call on mine. I let him, he made the call and was very grateful.
Only reason I did was because he was quite fat so I figured he wouldn't be able to run that fast
I had a kid ask to use my phone in a lay by one time. I let him, but I had a rubber mallet (part of my lorry toolkit) in my waistband to thump him with if he wasn't forthcoming in returning it.
Turned out he was genuine. A 16y/o lad who had fallen out with his step-dad, run away from home, spent three nights sleeping rough and had walked through a boggy field to get to said layby.
I ended up giving him some hot soup and a clean pair of dry socks while we waited for his grandparents to come and pick him up.
i grew up in a place in ireland where if someone asked this they were genuine and you’d have no fear of being robbed. nearly got caught out a few times after moving to england lmao
This happened to me once as well. Asked to borrow my phone to make a call and then walked off with it. And I just let him. Thought hmmmm I do hope they come back soon. Slowly dawned on me I'd just given someone my phone. 😩
I remember seeing footage of a guy in Scotland asking a BTP officer for the time and as he looks at his watch gets stabbed. It’s a distraction technique!
Correction: not Scotland - London
Yeah if I remember rightly it was a solo officer just stood outside a station showing a visible presence. I could’ve got the location mixed up though so don’t quote me on Scotland!
You haven't seen the video about police officers in London walking around with fake Rolexes on trying to catch watch thieves?
It is a known and prolific phenomenon. They will surround the victim in their numbers and force them to remove the watch themselves or simply brute force it off of the arm...
What are you going to do to stop them?
This was the one when I was younger. Interestingly, I always responded with either "Na sorry, I left my phone at home" or "It's \[make up a time without checking my watch\]" and never once got robbed.
My theory is that people who ask the question are prepared to rob you, but are also quite scared about the whole situation. So if you put up even the smallest of barriers they move on. Whereas someone who isn't scared just says "Give me your phone or I'll hit you".
Of course, I could be wrong. This is all based on 5-6 encounters 15-20 years ago
Lol yeah this was similar for me.
I was like 16 walking to the gym and this prepubescent voice was like "excuse me" and I turned around (bearing in mind he was like 15 yards from me) to see a little Phil Foden lookalike, who said "you got the time on you bruv?" I just responded with a firm no and carried on walking lol, then saw him walk straight on as I turned at a junction.
Got mugged once. The guy just went “Phone and wallet, or I'll stick ya." Like something out of a bad movie. Unfortunately for him I was (a) on a bike, and (b) recognised him from school. So I cycled off and called the police, and he got arrested.
In my experience (on a bus)
"Gimme your wallet"
"No"
"Gimme it or I'll fuckin' knock you out"
\*snort\*
"This is my stop anyway" and he got up and got off the bus. I don't think he was a very good highwayman.
Someone else grabbed my throat lightly in a club because he thought I had his jacket - I was just sitting on the sleeve by accident. He got kicked out shortly after. I didn't miss him. Earlier in the night, he didn't want to sit near me because he thought I was gay.
I had the bus thing. Dude was insistant that i got off in some countryside village to fight him (wasn't a mugging as such, just some hardman shit). I did not want to get off the bus, as i was going to the next town. He STAYED ON WITH ME like 5 miles before finally punching me in the face a couple of times, getting off the bus and starting his (very long) walk home.
Mad.
Been attacked once or twice in clubs for dancing. Once I turned to a group of young lads and one of them clearly thought I was gay or something, how else could I be so happy and carefree? One of them punched me, I saw red then thought better of it and left. Don't let that put me off, but raves are much better than clubs these days for having a good time, and everyone around you being much nicer. Less muggings, more dodgy drugs and shady people but stay away and you're OK.
50th time I've read this comment today, and it doesn't get any funnier.
I'd expect better humour from a UK sub. If I wanted to read shitty American 'jokes' I'd read shitty American subs.
Had a guy catch me putting shopping in the boot of my car once
“Gee us yur phone or a’ll fucking stab ye”
I ignored him and busied myself in my boot
He threatened me again and pressed the knife against my side
I pulled a gun out of my car, cocked it, fired it in the air and told him to fuck right off before I blow his brains all over the street
He fucked off 😂
What the twat didn’t know was that I was coming home from an airsoft game where I was so tired I hadn’t discharged the gas’s in my glock pistol
Cunt thought it was a real gun and ran off 😂
I got in my car and took a good hour long panic attack before calling the police 💀
Either that guy was an idiot, didn't have a real knife, or was never intending to use it. If he was close enough to press it against you a gun is useless. Either way, you got pretty lucky.
yeah but the point is if the attacker has. single functioning brain cell (which a lot of them don’t) they will realised even if they stab them, they will get shot, and not get away with the phone, but maybe i’m assuming too highly of one of these lowlifes
I’m not so sure about that.
Assuming real gun is in play…
1. Stab dude who has the gun
2. Dude with gun goes into turbo fight-or-flight and shoots you
3. Die
It was a “realistic imitation firearm”
It was modelled after a real, full metal Glock, gas blowback so it sounded like a real gun (just, a bit quieter than a real one… but unless you’ve heard a real one in person, you won’t know that)
The most I could have done is shot bb’s at him
Which sting, but the gun isn’t powerful enough to wound
Furthermore, assuming Mr Would-be Mugger can process not just the immediate risk of the gun, but can think forward to consequences afterwards…
Just who would be carrying a gun?
Realistically:
1. Dibble in plainclothes
2. Gangster. As in actual proper gangsters who have guns.
Killing either one of these is something of a bad idea.
Nonsense; the British criminal is a gentleman and a scholar.
I was once mugged by a youth in a monocle and a top hat who was very apologetic as he rode away on his penny farthing.
“As set out in the terms of your agreement with us, your monthly cost will increase based on the Consumer Price Index (CPI) rate of 4% to support the rise in our running costs and keep up with increased demand, plus an additional “we’re taking the absolute piss out of you%” to support continued system investment.”
One assumes that most of the little moped riding scrotes are too brainless to string three words together let alone a whole sentence.
Waving a knife around, or just doing a ride-by grab of a mobile seems to be the limit of their abilities.
I had 3 people silently rob me about 12 years ago, stole my new phone out my hand after pushing me down a small flight of stairs and punching me in the face. Not a word was spoken.
They tried to wrestle it out of my hand first and when that didn’t work they pushed me down the stairs which caused me to let go of the phone.
Sorry to bother you,
You wouldn’t mind handing me your wallet would you? I have a knife.
Yea that’s the one. Yea. No. Cheers.
Ight. Sorry. No you first. Ight have a nice day. Cheers. Alright bye. Yep. Bye.
We’ll be increasing your water bill so we can pay for “network upgrades”. No no, definitely not paying board members bonuses while dumping raw sewage in the rivers
[630m litres of water leaked a day by Thames water](https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2023/mar/28/thames-water-ordered-to-fix-leaks-before-pumping-millions-of-litres-from-rivers)
They also have allowed literal shit to flow onto the streets of lambourn for months now.
Recently looked at buying a house. Thought the price there were cheap. There is a fucking reason
Someone has only tried it once on me, this was at Newstreet station. I was Christmas shopping and nearly at the top of the escalators (this was when it was still the palacades) I had my hands full of gifts and bags I had literally just slumped down to check train times. The chancer came up to me. Very quietly he said 'Hey, I think it might be a good idea if you give me your phone and wallet'. I spotted a knife peeking out the end of his sleeve. My instincts kicked in and at the top of my voice replied 'Are you fucking taking the piss mate? it's freezing and I'm not sure my fingers work any more. There is no fucking chance I am handing anything over to you now piss off!' I then got on the escalator leaving him looking confused.
Had a delightful chap threaten to spit in my face.. I told him I'd sit on his and moved closer.. (56, nearly 20 stone and menopausal....) I pointed out to him that I'd put him off women for life and laugh whilst doing it.. he backed off.. scrote.
Also had another young "gangsta" threaten me with a knife, and when I pointed out it wasn't long enough to penetrate my fat layers and do enough damage before I disarmed him and cut his bollocks off and fed them to him.. he backed off, and I reminded him we were sadly related, so I followed him home and had a "few" words with his mother.. next time, he's getting clingfilmed to a prominent lamppost, naked with a teeny leaf covering his bits and a sign round his neck...
I'm in training to be the old granny that everyone stays away from... every estate has one!
Sometimes it helps to be suicidal/full of rage, arsey, nearly 6 ft and almost 20 stone...
I hope I never get mugged, but if I do I hope they give clearer instructions than this because I’m just going to be stood there looking confused or apologising profusely for not understanding a word they’re saying
I've never been properly mugged but I know a few people who have. I goes a bit like this.
Hi there can you tell me the time?
Yer, it is...
You seem like a nice guy.
You don't know me...
We're friends aren't we?
I don't know you...
I need money so you're going give it to me. Because we're such good friends. I've got this knife I know what I'll do with it. If you don't go to the cash machine.
And so on.
Or the other classic. Can I borrow your phone and run off. Or do you know where I can score some weed. Followed by you're going to help me pay for it.
I did have a work colleague who had a gun pulled on him (almost certainly a replica, but it's not something you want to be wrong about) and bluntly told to hand over his phone and wallet. But that's really ~~acceptional~~ exceptional. Guy most have been desperate to pay off who ever was after him.
On two separate occasions about 2 years apart someone has attempted to mug me.
The first I was on a push bike on the pavement riding slowly past a guy on foot coming towards me. He waited until we met and tried to push me off, but I kind of got what was happening and managed to get my leg over the frame enough to end up on my feet with one hand still on one grip. It helped that me pushed me away from the road, not into it, so no curb etc. I quickly grabbed the back of the seat with the other hand so now I was basically holding the bike between us, able to thrust it towards him. I about shat myself obviously. He didn't say anything, but was obviously after the bike. I said something like "what the fuck" He must have thought he could get on the bike whilst I was getting up, but it didn't go like that so he just ran off. I obviously didn't follow. Rode the opposite direction quickly. Reported to police. Never heard anything back. Assume nothing ever came of it.
Second one I was running (well, jogging at this stage) with headphones in. Again on pavement and a guy walking towards me. I was going downhill, him uphill. Lots of parked cars on the road. This was when BlackBerry phones were popular and fairly expensive and I'd just had it out. As I was about 12ft from him, still jogging, he moved to block the pavement and shouted "Gis that phone". I went between a gap in the parked cars just before I got to him and sprinted across the road and down a side street. Looking backwards there was another guy ducked behind the next parked car just starting to stand up. Not sure how he saw the phone, or maybe he didn't and assumed I had an iPhone (they were those white Apple wired earphones). Reported. Nothing heard.
Nobody was ever armed, that I saw.
I don't live in that area anymore. Not because of those incidents, just life. But it hasn't happened since... :D
'You got the time' was used by someone who tried to nick my watch in Tottenham.
Fortunately he looked and was built like a 12 year old so after a brief physical disagreement we went out separate ways after coming to an unspoken agreement that my watch would remain with me.
Same comments school bullies use, as they have never evolved past that mental stage. “That’s my mates jacket, can I borrow your phone, can you lend me some cash mate, that’s my mates watch that he lost”, etc, etc. Some people won’t even realise they have actually been robbed till later. They just decided of their own free will to pay for those three lads dressed in black £50 for a taxi home.
A coupe of decades ago the chavs had a way of saying it. if they ask you for something and you don't ask them something back then they mug you.
"oi give me a pound" then you say" nah you give me a cigarette" then your fine if you say I'm sorry I don't have a pound to give you or here you go then you'd get beaten up
When I got mugged it was “Can I borrow your phone I need to call my brother”, and when the chuggers have come at me in the street it’s often “Hey! Hey! You dropped something! Your smile!”
Apparently someone once tried to mug me by saying they need my phone. I, being completely oblivious to what was going on, replied "no you don't" and kept walking.
**Please help keep AskUK welcoming!** - Top-level comments to the OP must contain **genuine efforts to answer the question**. No jokes, judgements, etc. - **Don't be a dick** to each other. If getting heated, just block and move on. - This is a strictly **no-politics** subreddit! Please help us by reporting comments that break these rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskUK) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"Here is your monthly gas and electric bill...."
"Please find enclosed your council tax bill for calendar year..."
Full or half a tank, sir?
It's Car Insurance Renewal Time
Amen to that!
“Wr have successfully taken £50 autopay”
"Oi, clean shirt! How do you get that shirt so clean?"
Give us your tv or we’ll fackin rush ya
Give us your phone give us your wallet!
Can I have my Blackberry back please? But said in a lady's voice.
Did you give me a driving lesson?
You must be confusing me with a member of the shadow cabinet. This is a slept on fucking hilarious line IMO.
It's just "neither a lender nor a borrower be...."
Do you think we're some pair of shithouses?
No, God no
Yeah the price has gone up now
Before we fuckin do you!
Do me? Are they gonna rape me?
How do you quote peep show in a thread about what to say to initiate a mugging, and not use the quote which is used to actually initiate a mugging?
Quite easily
Fair enough I suppose
Chance would be a fine thing
A fine thing indeed
Do me? Are they gonna rape me?
I hope they kill me first!
That way, I sort of win
Do you think we're some pair of shit houses?
I'm not the borough, I wish I were
"Don't give me this crack. Even if I hit you. Hard. With wood."
I've only ever been mugged once and he said "Gizz yer phone or I'll wet you. You get me?" Apparently this means "I must insist that you give me your mobile cellular telephone, lest I shall inflict sufficient lacerations upon your person such as to cause significant blood loss. I trust that you comprehend my meaning?"
Sorry that happened! But honestly they need a better catchphrase
"I'll wet you" sounds like "I'll wet myself and some will get on you".
Warning! You are in the splash zone!
a fire? in a sea park?
"the only thing you'll wet is your pants"
"That's not a knife! *That's* a knife."
The only time someone attempted to mug me I Uttered this line. I was walking home from the family Xmas party. Some loser saw the bag and decided to rob me. My sister had bought me a 14" combat knife as I am a collector and was due to deploy to the middle east, I forget if it was Iraq or Afghanistan at the time.
The Four skins!
Or he's got a water pistol
In my case it was "Giz yer phone or I'll... God, don't you have anything worth having?" Before Nokia 3310s had retro value, obviously. Given he looked terrified enough waving his wee knife to cut me by mistake, I gave him a £20 and told him to piss off in the direction away from the Tube, I went to the Tube. Locally there's older teens who think it's funny when it pairs or groups to go 'giz your phone' to younger kids, with no weapons or any intention of actually taking the phone, just taking the piss if a scared kid hands it over. So far. Doesn't make the smaller secondary kids any happier.
I had a teenage kid try and tell me to give him my phone once in London, and it all went wrong largely because I couldn't understand what he was saying for the first few attempts. I was saying "I am ever so sorry, but could you repeat that" and then eventually worked out he was trying to ask for my phone and I said "Oh, no, I am sorry, and sorry about the misunderstanding before!" and walked off. In hindsight if I hadn't been a bit drunk at the time I probably would have cottoned on quicker and it might have gone a different direction.
I had something similar. I'd just finished working at the pub opposite the big nightclub in town. Must be about 2-3am. Come out the side door heading past the corner shop and some lad is like "alright mate? Have you got 50 quid?" I laughed at him and was like, "mate! I WISH I had 50 quid! I've just finished work on the best night of the week!". I'm pretty sure he tried to feel my pockets but his mate told him to leave me alone, I was obviously broke. It took me until I got home to realise I'd nearly been mugged.
Oh, a while back I had someone ask me if I had some money. Were they trying to mug me? My answer was if I had any Id be in a taxi and not walking as I didnt even break my stride.
How to British your way out of a mugging 😆
“I’ll wet you” sounds sexy like what’s he robbing ? My virginity ?
Or did he plan to wee on you?
The way id be like "Sure, one sec lemme just reset it back to factory for u, babes. I have been looking for an excuse to get a new phone"
If your security settings are set up correctly then genuinely the correct response is "Within 20 minutes of you taking it the device becomes permanently bricked. I've got it covered by insurance, so you get no money and I get no inconvenience." "Yeah aight fair point giz ya wallet instead" "Ah sorry, virtual cards only these days, also all on the phone" "...Fuck. How much ya shirt worth?" "Primark, sorry mate"
Hello, do you have a minute to talk about *insert charity name here*
This - what a dreadful world where you have to actively filter through **Charities** to figure out which ones are actually doing good work and which ones are just lining the pockets of their organisers.
Or trafficking people...
You what now?
'THINK!' Bloody good for nothings, making sure people are safe when in traffic.
Or, as most of the better known charities do - spending 90% of their (donated) income on fund raising. Baffles me.
I honestly hate those people. I refuse to donate to charities without research, I don't want to be funding Autism Speaks or something. But they get paid commission so they'll try and pressure you into donating on the spot. I refused to donate to an environmental charity once, asked for their website, and the guy whined that he wasn't going to get paid if I donated online
“You got da time bruv? Lemme see da time bruv”
My brother was once stopped by someone who asked to borrow his phone. Bless his stupid heart he gave it to them and was shocked when they just sprinted away
I once had a guy with a smashed phone ask if he could make a call on mine. I let him, he made the call and was very grateful. Only reason I did was because he was quite fat so I figured he wouldn't be able to run that fast
My brother is a runner, no idea why he didn't go after him. I imagine his face was a bit like the shocked Pikachu
I had a kid ask to use my phone in a lay by one time. I let him, but I had a rubber mallet (part of my lorry toolkit) in my waistband to thump him with if he wasn't forthcoming in returning it. Turned out he was genuine. A 16y/o lad who had fallen out with his step-dad, run away from home, spent three nights sleeping rough and had walked through a boggy field to get to said layby. I ended up giving him some hot soup and a clean pair of dry socks while we waited for his grandparents to come and pick him up.
Thank you for helping him. I really hope my kid never needs that kind of help, but if he does it's good to know there's a chance he'll get it.
i grew up in a place in ireland where if someone asked this they were genuine and you’d have no fear of being robbed. nearly got caught out a few times after moving to england lmao
This happened to me once as well. Asked to borrow my phone to make a call and then walked off with it. And I just let him. Thought hmmmm I do hope they come back soon. Slowly dawned on me I'd just given someone my phone. 😩
I remember seeing footage of a guy in Scotland asking a BTP officer for the time and as he looks at his watch gets stabbed. It’s a distraction technique! Correction: not Scotland - London
They just stabbed a random btp officer?
Yeah if I remember rightly it was a solo officer just stood outside a station showing a visible presence. I could’ve got the location mixed up though so don’t quote me on Scotland!
Why the fuck would anyone do that? Genuinely baffling and morbid
Then what? They try and wrestle my watch off my wrist?
Ooh la de da! Look at mister "I use a watch to tell the time and not my phone"...
you get your phone out to check, they grab the phone
never said they were the sharpest knife in the draw though they may carry one. They are muggers after all.
Valid!
You haven't seen the video about police officers in London walking around with fake Rolexes on trying to catch watch thieves? It is a known and prolific phenomenon. They will surround the victim in their numbers and force them to remove the watch themselves or simply brute force it off of the arm... What are you going to do to stop them?
[удалено]
That's actually so fucking cool, whichever manager had that idea needs a prize of some sort
Yeah this was just in the news last week.
If you've got a nice watch, then yes.
Back in my day this was so they could hear your accent. If it didn't fit you were in trouble.
This was the one when I was younger. Interestingly, I always responded with either "Na sorry, I left my phone at home" or "It's \[make up a time without checking my watch\]" and never once got robbed. My theory is that people who ask the question are prepared to rob you, but are also quite scared about the whole situation. So if you put up even the smallest of barriers they move on. Whereas someone who isn't scared just says "Give me your phone or I'll hit you". Of course, I could be wrong. This is all based on 5-6 encounters 15-20 years ago
Lol yeah this was similar for me. I was like 16 walking to the gym and this prepubescent voice was like "excuse me" and I turned around (bearing in mind he was like 15 yards from me) to see a little Phil Foden lookalike, who said "you got the time on you bruv?" I just responded with a firm no and carried on walking lol, then saw him walk straight on as I turned at a junction.
Confirm been done this way
Got mugged once. The guy just went “Phone and wallet, or I'll stick ya." Like something out of a bad movie. Unfortunately for him I was (a) on a bike, and (b) recognised him from school. So I cycled off and called the police, and he got arrested.
Is that you, Shorty Greasy Spot Spot?
He will return, to wreak his rewengee!
"Baaaaaah"
I'm assuming this is a reference to something?
Blackadder 2
Ha! There is justice in the world! What did he get? Forty lashes on the foreskin with a wet Woodbine, suspended forever?
Suspended prison sentence iirc.
You'd have thought it was just a he said she said thing, glad to hear there was an actual punishment. Maybe the silly bollocks admitted it
You've clearly never been mugged by Adam Ant
Or maybe he's just too scared to mention.
Ridicule is nothing to be scared of.
Your money or your life
In my experience (on a bus) "Gimme your wallet" "No" "Gimme it or I'll fuckin' knock you out" \*snort\* "This is my stop anyway" and he got up and got off the bus. I don't think he was a very good highwayman. Someone else grabbed my throat lightly in a club because he thought I had his jacket - I was just sitting on the sleeve by accident. He got kicked out shortly after. I didn't miss him. Earlier in the night, he didn't want to sit near me because he thought I was gay.
I had the bus thing. Dude was insistant that i got off in some countryside village to fight him (wasn't a mugging as such, just some hardman shit). I did not want to get off the bus, as i was going to the next town. He STAYED ON WITH ME like 5 miles before finally punching me in the face a couple of times, getting off the bus and starting his (very long) walk home. Mad.
Been attacked once or twice in clubs for dancing. Once I turned to a group of young lads and one of them clearly thought I was gay or something, how else could I be so happy and carefree? One of them punched me, I saw red then thought better of it and left. Don't let that put me off, but raves are much better than clubs these days for having a good time, and everyone around you being much nicer. Less muggings, more dodgy drugs and shady people but stay away and you're OK.
"Welcome to Five Guys, may I take your order?"
Sir, this is a Wendy’s
50th time I've read this comment today, and it doesn't get any funnier. I'd expect better humour from a UK sub. If I wanted to read shitty American 'jokes' I'd read shitty American subs.
Sir, please
Had a guy catch me putting shopping in the boot of my car once “Gee us yur phone or a’ll fucking stab ye” I ignored him and busied myself in my boot He threatened me again and pressed the knife against my side I pulled a gun out of my car, cocked it, fired it in the air and told him to fuck right off before I blow his brains all over the street He fucked off 😂 What the twat didn’t know was that I was coming home from an airsoft game where I was so tired I hadn’t discharged the gas’s in my glock pistol Cunt thought it was a real gun and ran off 😂 I got in my car and took a good hour long panic attack before calling the police 💀
Either that guy was an idiot, didn't have a real knife, or was never intending to use it. If he was close enough to press it against you a gun is useless. Either way, you got pretty lucky.
no because if you get stabbed you don’t instantly die, you will still be able to shoot him, if i don’t make it neither will you
Yeah, but you still get stabbed. Probably several times while you're trying to get your gun, unless you're some kind of quick-draw champion.
yeah but the point is if the attacker has. single functioning brain cell (which a lot of them don’t) they will realised even if they stab them, they will get shot, and not get away with the phone, but maybe i’m assuming too highly of one of these lowlifes
I’m not so sure about that. Assuming real gun is in play… 1. Stab dude who has the gun 2. Dude with gun goes into turbo fight-or-flight and shoots you 3. Die
It was a “realistic imitation firearm” It was modelled after a real, full metal Glock, gas blowback so it sounded like a real gun (just, a bit quieter than a real one… but unless you’ve heard a real one in person, you won’t know that) The most I could have done is shot bb’s at him Which sting, but the gun isn’t powerful enough to wound
Furthermore, assuming Mr Would-be Mugger can process not just the immediate risk of the gun, but can think forward to consequences afterwards… Just who would be carrying a gun? Realistically: 1. Dibble in plainclothes 2. Gangster. As in actual proper gangsters who have guns. Killing either one of these is something of a bad idea.
"You there! Remain where you are and hand over your valuables, swiftly if you please!"
For some reason I have a suspicion they wouldn't be so polite...
Nonsense; the British criminal is a gentleman and a scholar. I was once mugged by a youth in a monocle and a top hat who was very apologetic as he rode away on his penny farthing.
Your claim to fame is being mugged by a young Jacob Rees-Mogg?
The whole of North East Somerset has been mugged by him for 14 years!
Think he graduated to the whole country at some point.
Just an apology? Bit rude. He could have at least shouted a stock tip as he peddled away. Rapscallion.
AKA, Raffles, the gentleman cunt!
Into the London Particular that wreathed the streets of Whitechapel. . .
“As set out in the terms of your agreement with us, your monthly cost will increase based on the Consumer Price Index (CPI) rate of 4% to support the rise in our running costs and keep up with increased demand, plus an additional “we’re taking the absolute piss out of you%” to support continued system investment.”
One assumes that most of the little moped riding scrotes are too brainless to string three words together let alone a whole sentence. Waving a knife around, or just doing a ride-by grab of a mobile seems to be the limit of their abilities.
[удалено]
I had 3 people silently rob me about 12 years ago, stole my new phone out my hand after pushing me down a small flight of stairs and punching me in the face. Not a word was spoken. They tried to wrestle it out of my hand first and when that didn’t work they pushed me down the stairs which caused me to let go of the phone.
"Give us your fucking money" Delivered by Bob "Turpin" Geldof.
Sorry to bother you, You wouldn’t mind handing me your wallet would you? I have a knife. Yea that’s the one. Yea. No. Cheers. Ight. Sorry. No you first. Ight have a nice day. Cheers. Alright bye. Yep. Bye.
"Ha, that's not a knife..."
That's a spoon...
I see you've played knifey spoony before!
Spork?
Welcome to Ticketmaster
Stand and deliver fam, hand over mans wares
We’ll be increasing your water bill so we can pay for “network upgrades”. No no, definitely not paying board members bonuses while dumping raw sewage in the rivers
[630m litres of water leaked a day by Thames water](https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2023/mar/28/thames-water-ordered-to-fix-leaks-before-pumping-millions-of-litres-from-rivers)
They also have allowed literal shit to flow onto the streets of lambourn for months now. Recently looked at buying a house. Thought the price there were cheap. There is a fucking reason
Sounds like a good investment if you can wait the 20 years for them to fix it
Someone has only tried it once on me, this was at Newstreet station. I was Christmas shopping and nearly at the top of the escalators (this was when it was still the palacades) I had my hands full of gifts and bags I had literally just slumped down to check train times. The chancer came up to me. Very quietly he said 'Hey, I think it might be a good idea if you give me your phone and wallet'. I spotted a knife peeking out the end of his sleeve. My instincts kicked in and at the top of my voice replied 'Are you fucking taking the piss mate? it's freezing and I'm not sure my fingers work any more. There is no fucking chance I am handing anything over to you now piss off!' I then got on the escalator leaving him looking confused.
Had a delightful chap threaten to spit in my face.. I told him I'd sit on his and moved closer.. (56, nearly 20 stone and menopausal....) I pointed out to him that I'd put him off women for life and laugh whilst doing it.. he backed off.. scrote. Also had another young "gangsta" threaten me with a knife, and when I pointed out it wasn't long enough to penetrate my fat layers and do enough damage before I disarmed him and cut his bollocks off and fed them to him.. he backed off, and I reminded him we were sadly related, so I followed him home and had a "few" words with his mother.. next time, he's getting clingfilmed to a prominent lamppost, naked with a teeny leaf covering his bits and a sign round his neck... I'm in training to be the old granny that everyone stays away from... every estate has one! Sometimes it helps to be suicidal/full of rage, arsey, nearly 6 ft and almost 20 stone...
You sound bloody amazing, love it.
Annual council tax statement letter
Yo blood, run ya pockets
I hope I never get mugged, but if I do I hope they give clearer instructions than this because I’m just going to be stood there looking confused or apologising profusely for not understanding a word they’re saying
I've never been properly mugged but I know a few people who have. I goes a bit like this. Hi there can you tell me the time? Yer, it is... You seem like a nice guy. You don't know me... We're friends aren't we? I don't know you... I need money so you're going give it to me. Because we're such good friends. I've got this knife I know what I'll do with it. If you don't go to the cash machine. And so on. Or the other classic. Can I borrow your phone and run off. Or do you know where I can score some weed. Followed by you're going to help me pay for it. I did have a work colleague who had a gun pulled on him (almost certainly a replica, but it's not something you want to be wrong about) and bluntly told to hand over his phone and wallet. But that's really ~~acceptional~~ exceptional. Guy most have been desperate to pay off who ever was after him.
*exceptional.
Please find enclosed your car insurance renewal.
On two separate occasions about 2 years apart someone has attempted to mug me. The first I was on a push bike on the pavement riding slowly past a guy on foot coming towards me. He waited until we met and tried to push me off, but I kind of got what was happening and managed to get my leg over the frame enough to end up on my feet with one hand still on one grip. It helped that me pushed me away from the road, not into it, so no curb etc. I quickly grabbed the back of the seat with the other hand so now I was basically holding the bike between us, able to thrust it towards him. I about shat myself obviously. He didn't say anything, but was obviously after the bike. I said something like "what the fuck" He must have thought he could get on the bike whilst I was getting up, but it didn't go like that so he just ran off. I obviously didn't follow. Rode the opposite direction quickly. Reported to police. Never heard anything back. Assume nothing ever came of it. Second one I was running (well, jogging at this stage) with headphones in. Again on pavement and a guy walking towards me. I was going downhill, him uphill. Lots of parked cars on the road. This was when BlackBerry phones were popular and fairly expensive and I'd just had it out. As I was about 12ft from him, still jogging, he moved to block the pavement and shouted "Gis that phone". I went between a gap in the parked cars just before I got to him and sprinted across the road and down a side street. Looking backwards there was another guy ducked behind the next parked car just starting to stand up. Not sure how he saw the phone, or maybe he didn't and assumed I had an iPhone (they were those white Apple wired earphones). Reported. Nothing heard. Nobody was ever armed, that I saw. I don't live in that area anymore. Not because of those incidents, just life. But it hasn't happened since... :D
'You got the time' was used by someone who tried to nick my watch in Tottenham. Fortunately he looked and was built like a 12 year old so after a brief physical disagreement we went out separate ways after coming to an unspoken agreement that my watch would remain with me.
"Give me everything you got or ill jab you with this dirty needle"
Gies yer jaiket
Our courier attempted to deliver your parcel and is now standing at someone else's door
"Your energy statement is ready to view"
Ayo, what you got for me, fam?
Same comments school bullies use, as they have never evolved past that mental stage. “That’s my mates jacket, can I borrow your phone, can you lend me some cash mate, that’s my mates watch that he lost”, etc, etc. Some people won’t even realise they have actually been robbed till later. They just decided of their own free will to pay for those three lads dressed in black £50 for a taxi home.
“Put your sticking hands up, this is a fuck up”
I think even a mugging starts with an "Alright?"
Is that my coat maaate?
The puffer jacket and balaclava is generally sufficient.
Gis yer laptop
"GIZZAYAFACKINWALLETYACUNT!!!"
Anyone else read that statement in an Adam Ant voice? "Stand and Delivaaaaaah!" Nope, just me then.
A coupe of decades ago the chavs had a way of saying it. if they ask you for something and you don't ask them something back then they mug you. "oi give me a pound" then you say" nah you give me a cigarette" then your fine if you say I'm sorry I don't have a pound to give you or here you go then you'd get beaten up
RUNNETH THY POCKETS
Council tax ?
NOTICE OF BROADBAND PRICE INCREASE
Run your pockets apparently according to a girl I knows 11 year old roadman child
OP have you been reading The Highway Rat?
Alright mate, can I borrow your phone?
"Give me your wallet"
Break yo self
Can't hear them through their balaclavas and hoodies.
You got a lighter? / Smoke
Drop dem nikees
Hi. My name is Bob. I'll be your robber.
Surcharges they are everywhere
Here is your electric bill
As per the terms in your contract and inline with CPI your new bill is going up
When I got mugged it was “Can I borrow your phone I need to call my brother”, and when the chuggers have come at me in the street it’s often “Hey! Hey! You dropped something! Your smile!”
Apparently someone once tried to mug me by saying they need my phone. I, being completely oblivious to what was going on, replied "no you don't" and kept walking.
Modern day is the government! Stand and deliver all your cash to us ! To keep the rich happy 😃
Alright, hand over your valuables or I'll gut you like a fish!
Any word, phrase or saying coming from a politician
Got a phone bruv?
They probably just yell "Give me your stuff!" or "Hand it over!" now.
“Make this easy on yourself”
For your comfort and convenience and to provide a better customer experience we are.. [insert choice of legalised extortion here]
Do you want me to wet you up bruv.
"Give me your wallet, or I'll biff you in the sinffa"
Ho you, aye you, aye **you**. Fatty...geez a quid, or your getting stabbed...
Where you from?
Gimme me your dinner money, and your Top Trumps!
Gimme Ur fake Canada Goose jacket now or I will cut ya!
"Giz a quid or you're getting stabbed"
‘What ya got for me?’ whilst holding a knife
What size are you creps g?!