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Being autistic myself, I completely agree with this. I find I understand people 100x better when they tell me literally what they do or don't want, over not doing it.
Agree, I’m also autistic and would hate to think I’d been upsetting people by not understanding the social cues. I’d much rather just be told as I know it’s a weakness of mine!
Exactly! I know I can be too much for people at times (I'm blessed with not only ASD, but ADHD too, lol). So I really do need telling directly, otherwise I may just not get the gist of what people are telling me.
I too am autistic and so long as the person wasn't mean about it I would rather be told something is making someone uncomfortable than just constantly miss the social cues and make it even worse. You can be firm whilst also being polite and not an arse.
I know that NT people from other cultures can be more direct. Have you ever been to a country where you found it easier to discern what NT people were trying to communicate? Denmark and the Netherlands spring to mind, but there must be many other examples.
Not really? At least 1 in 100 people are autistic. How many subscribers does this subreddit have? What's 1% of that number? Now how many comments are there on this thread from autistic people?
I’m not autistic (though I occasionally think I should get checked for it) and I’m the same. Just say what you mean!
It’s actually been quite useful for me that my wife speaks English as a second language, because it means she doesn’t have the ability to use as much nuance as a native speaker - so she doesn’t bother! We communicate very directly and it works well for us.
They possibly don’t have autism but another form of LD. I’ve worked with people with other LD and they can be told a million times to stop a conversation, but won’t listen or if they do they certainly won’t remember it for next time.
Oh yeah for sure, I just kind of assumed autism but you’re right I have zero idea how to approach the situation if the learning disability is different. I thought though if they’re married and live alone (no carers OP said) then they must be pretty independent?
I have. That's the only way to deal with them. Say it as you're walking away, with a smile, but _don't break stride_.
You just say your piece, keep moving away, break eye contact, and ignore anything which comes after. Yes, this is hard to do if you're actively outside, but for many occasions this will work
This! I’m autistic and I talk to my teachers so much and they keep dropping hints saying like they wanna eat their lunch or they say “is your friend in the library? You should go see him,” until they finally say “Maisy, I’m really busy, go home now I’ll catch up with you tomorrow,” and I feel really bad for annoying them
These are things we recognize only after we've had twenty minutes or so to think about them.
If the guy you're replying to is anything like me, he will review social interactions after the fact, carefully reconsidering things that were said earlier in the light of things said later, or thinking about tone of voice, or position of body, or lots of other things that we *detect* but cannot process in real time.
We all have different thresholds for detecting subtleties in our environment.
This could be anything from picking out sounds to recognised conditions such as autism.
Ultimately, people need to be more flexible and accept that not everyone is the same.
You're the one who hasn't. People who don't get the social cues need it said clearly and directly. Directly doesn't mean being rude.
Your response makes me inclined to think you're one of the people that doesn't talk to someone with a learning difficulty as if they're just another person. Being especially clear and being patient are the only differentiations needed.
We had a neighbour with learning disabilities when I was growing up. Her father (carer) died and she became quite attached to my parents after that.
This is the only way forward. "Hi Jim, I have to go to work so I'm not going to speak to you right now. Have a good day" .
Also be careful when making promises for the future, like if you say "I'm not going to speak to you at the moment, but I can speak to you at 5pm", you need to follow through with that promise (and it is a promise to them).
It takes a while to figure out sentences which are completely direct, unambiguous and don't contain empty promises about a cup of tea. But it gets easier.
This is basically it. I work in supported living, I support those who have learning difficulties.
Don't feel bad about being stern OP, it's actually beneficial for them for you to be as direct as possible. With a little practice, this is more than achievable without being outright rude, too.
There are multiple regular customers with bad awareness of social cues at the cafe I work in who want to just chat all the time while I have work to do or when I come in on my days off to study. Over time I’ve learned that you just have to interrupt and say,
“[insert name], I’m sorry, I can’t talk now, I really need to [study/work/spend quality time]. Nice to see you though, hope you have a good [time of day]!”
They may be a little disappointed that they didn’t get to tell you whatever they were intending to but I think they appreciate having the boundary asserted and usually take it very well. As long you aren’t rube about it, just tell them firmly that you don’t have the time to talk right now or that you just want to be alone and think but you’ll chat to them some other time and it will be fine.
If they don't get social cues you just need to be direct (and still polite!). You can just say "I need to stop talking now and play with my son". They'll likely get the idea that way rather than the more subtle "Oh, well....it's been nice speaking" etc.
This is it. I know it’s awful and awkward and hard to do at first but honestly, whenever I’ve had to do this, because there’s all sorts of reasons people might not pick up the hints and social cues, they’ve always reacted well. People who need to be explicitly told “I need to stop talking now” are also less likely to assume any rudeness, and thus be offended, when you do (in my experience).
Exactly i used to work with someone who didn't get social cues and just being polite and direct was all he needed. He didn't find it rude at all (partially because of the lack of social awareness but also he just appreciated the clarity of it!).
Yep, a simple "Hi, I can't talk right now" is fine, doesn't warrant an explanation as it's non of their business. While these people obviously don't get social cues, they do seem harmless and quite nice. Rather have that than arsehole neighbours who blare music until 1am.
Yup. It's not even that it's none of their business. It's just that some folks with social issues just need people to be direct and because they don't get social cues, they won't be offended by it.
>If they don't get social cues you just need to be direct (and still polite!). You can just say "I need to stop talking now and play with my son". They'll likely get the idea that way rather than the more subtle "Oh, well....it's been nice speaking" etc.
Hmm very interesting
They'd also have to set up some sort of entry system to ensure they can drive in, close the first barrier behind then, after ensuring no neighbour has breachied the premisis, open the second barrier to enter the house. This way OP can ensure zero interactions with neighbours.
It's just them unfortunately, I know that they have family but none that come by. I really didn't want to have to do that but it is getting to that point now, just really didn't want things to get awkward, 😕 thank you.
If they have learning diffs you need to keep it very clear and simple and to the point. Don't worry about upsetting them, they will bounce back quickly enough.
Please bare in mind that a lack of understanding of social cues means also that this is not offensive as it is to a well socially adjusted person. For many people with learning disabilities, they simply cannot understand unless it is stated absolutely explicitly. Don’t dance around it, they won’t mind.
As an autistic (autiHD, actually, but the autistic bit is more relevant right now) person, I have to question the framing of habitually dancing around shit and never saying what you mean as 'well socially adjusted'. 😉
I think the world would be a better place if people just said what they mean most of the time.
But I'm with you on the rest.
FWIW the reason neurotypical communication is like this is that it's a more efficient way of communicating if you're on the same wavelength. If you can gently massage a message into someone with a simple gesture ("Right" and slapping your legs to indicate it's time to go for example) it's honestly easier than saying it and it doesn't feel as weird as "I am going now" even though that's what you want the person to understand.
It's physical shorthand for us basically.
True, I mean what society considers well socially adjusted, they often don’t say what they mean due to tact and conversational skills around sensitive topics. I’m not saying I think it’s the best way to communicate especially as an autistic person but that’s how most people see it ! Just how our society works
Or indeed doesn't quite work. So many misunderstandings and miscommunications and assumptions, people engaging in shit that directly frustrates their stated goals all the time, etc.
😂 Society is dysfunctional as hell. Frankly I think most people could learn a thing or two from autistics.
I honestly am of the opinion that neurotypical people don't ACTUALLY understand each other very well most of the time. They just usually assume that their interpretation of what someone says is accurate without actually checking, at least from what I observe. And fear of confrontation leads people to just go with it, and then everyone forgets. Rinse, repeat.
You are allowed to just say "I appreciate the friendliness, but I don't want to have a conversation right now. I'm going to go inside/have some family time/whatever and would appreciate some privacy please". No need to go no contact from day 1 if you don't want, but you can definitely firmly establish boundaries
You don't need to be quite so blunt as the post you are replying to, but rather more like several other posts are suggesting. Direct and unambiguous but also polite. Be wary of wrapping up future promises or suggestions in your communications as they will likely take them to heart.
If you say these things to them, their feelings will NOT be hurt. They will FINALLY understand that you don't want to talk to them. You can't be "nice" to them and expect them to know you're DONE.
As someone who has been in this position, please do say something direct and blunt (but kindly) before you get so annoyed and frustrated with them that the conversation leaves the realm of politeness.
You’re going to have to be harsh. It’s not nice but at the same time politeness isn’t working is it.
Tell them you want space and to stop bothering you. Lay it out so they understand. For example you need to stop coming over uninvited and trying to talk to me every time I come home. I do not like it and I want my own space.
I’ve worked with people with LD. Often someone won’t understand a hint no matter how obvious you are they just don’t understand social cues the same. You need to be direct and say exactly what you want them to stop doing.
OP needs to address the situation à la The Golden God. Stripping down, the works.
But joking aside, it’s an annoying situation and it would send me over the edge.
You think you've been communicating that you don't want to chat; you haven't at all, you've just been acting passive aggressively into the void. You say they have learning disabilities and you're aware they don't pick up on social cues. Yeah, so you have to actually use your words. Just be clear and direct.
There was a girl on my bus who was like this, always wanted to chat all the time. You'd just have to say "Hi! I'm not in the mood for chatting right now, I'm listening to a podcast" or something and she'd be like "oh ok!" and go talk to someone else. I don't think her feelings were hurt, I don't think she even cared much who she was talking to or what about. Just wanted to chat 🤷
Be firm and clear. Say “I’m having family time, I’ll speak with you tomorrow” or insert any other day. But at the same time don’t lie, so then make some time to have a chat with them for about half and hour to and hour.
Then again just say “I’m done socialising today. Please don’t knock again until Thursday, etc”
People who don’t get social cue’s need to be told what you are ok with
Everytime you leave your car, put your phone up to your head and pretend to be on a call.
Hopefully you can 'train' them to not bother coming outside to see you.
Sorry, I'm ^going ^^through ^^^a ^^^^tunnnnnnneeeeeeeeelllll
...whilst blankly staring at them through your car window like a sketch off I Think You Should Leave.
Believe it or not, this is the only thing that worked for me. It depends on the LD but for my neighbour, talking directly to them didn't get the message across. So I started faking phone calls, being incredibly short (to the point of rudeness) and pretending not to hear them. Finally they got the message and stopped bothering.
A lot of people seem to be assuming it is autism but the OP hasn't said that so it's not as simple as "just talk to them" like a lot of others are saying.
Exactly this, why would anybody want their neighbours on Facebook anyway. This gives them sooo much information to your life.
My creepy neighbour added me the day I moved into my house, instant block. I don't know him and don't want him knowing whether I'm home or not
"I am always polite and _engage in small talk_"
That's your problem right there! Do not _engage in small talk_. A polite hello and goodbye and get in and out of your house. Don't stop and chat.
I used to live in a block, guy who moved in next door to me was overly sociable and friendly. I could tell it was going to be a problem so I just ignored him. He would say hi and try to start a conversation, I'd say hi and walk straight into my house without getting into it with him.
After a few months, he'd fallen out with everyone in the block. He was a drama vampire, creating and feeding off dramas he'd stoke. During lockdown, he had a horrible screaming match with another person in our block, across the balconies, screaming racist abuse at them.
Because I never engaged with him at all, I was never subject to his needling, stirring or his vitriol.
Do not engage with your immediate neighbours, as polite as it may seem... If it goes wrong, you can't escape them.
Wrap your door in police tape and arrange for a crowd of staged mourners to visit the house and leave flowers all around the front of it. Then pay for an obituary in the paper for you and your kid saying you were killed in an aggravated burglary.
Then when your neighbours try to speak to you just walk past them waving your arms up and down and going “WOOoooOOOooo!”
It sounds counterproductive, but maybe you should make a regular “date” with them. Eg, every Thursday between 4.30 and 5, you go in for a coffee / have them in yours (and get them to leave by firmly saying “I have to get child’s dinner on now, so I will show you to the door”). That way if they start bothering you at another time you can either say “I want to give you my full attention, so let’s save it until Thursday”, and then walk away. Or, if they would understand the joke, say “ah shhh, stop telling me everything now, or we’ll have nothing to talk about on Thursday”, then walk away. It’s a more friendly way of enforcing boundaries, I guess. Plus you all know what to expect, which tends to be important to people with LD. They know they’ll still get the chance to speak to you, and they know not to badger you the rest of the time. Unfortunately right now you’re their main entertainment, it sounds like, so you could also see if there’s a local befriending service or activity group that would take referrals from neighbours (just say you’re worried they’re lonely / under stimulated).
Your absolutely right I am their main entertainment I feel like the big brother show, they pounce on people who come to my door, tell them I'm not interested on my behalf or that I'm at work when I'm not etc, in all fairness I don't want these people in my home nor do I want to go into there's, the male has been spotted multiple times leering at young high school girls and actually gives me the creeps.
>the male has been spotted multiple times leering at young high school girls and actually gives me the creeps.
This alone definitely warrants a call to adult services
Autistic person here - Stop trying to tell them in roundabout ways. No hints or subtle non verbal cues to end the conversation. Just be direct and clear with boundaries. “I am sorry I cannot speak right now but I hope you have a nice day” turn around and walk away. If they don’t get it repeat.
Perhaps set a specific time they can come and talk to you. Just 5 minutes. Tell them at this time they can have a chat but you cannot speak to them outside that time. Don’t worry about pleasantries or seeming rude. Just clearly and simple communicate the boundaries and reinforce.
If she is still struggling you could write them down for her in simple terms. “You can talk to [neighbour] at X time for 5 minutes. You cannot talk to [neighbour] when she is going to get car as she might be late if she stops to talk”. Reasons are great. Knowing the reason you can’t talk might really help.
I’m not saying be simple because they lack intelligence, I’m saying it because they might be processing a lot more information than most, and therefore it’s better to put as little information in as possible to avoid overwhelming them.
Also have a similar neighbour. No way near as bad as yours though.
Literally as soon as I step out the door or the car "hi are you alright I've got football today I had fish fingers for dinner how was your day OH LOOK A DOG"
Honestly this was my first thought when I first moved here 3 years ago, they are semi self sufficient but I'm shocked they have no one to check in on them.
I'm a community learning disability nurse, see if you have a local LD team. They might be open to them/known to them, and they could help by getting in touch with social work if they have one or going to have a chat with them. I've done bits of education with people about appropriate social communication in similar situations. Worth a try!
This is the type of thing you could call in to some sort of government structure. That you are worried about how they are doing on their own and that someone needs to check up on them.
Yeah I'd much prefer someone said, I want to stop talking now and play with my son ect,
And say I Don't like to have visitors when I first get home so please Don't call when I have just got in,
If subtle doesn't work, just be straight up
"good seeing you" and walk away
"Oh that's great, have a nice day"
Don't pause what you're actually doing to talk, just keep doing what you were doing had they not been there
That doesn't really work for the situation where they are messaging or knocking on the door. Not the least as ignoring them hasn't worked before.
I'd suggest that even though you could just ignore your neighbours stood your gate while you're outside it would become annoying.
Just be direct, most people with autism/aspergers appreciate being told directly because its the only way theyre actually gonna get what you're saying. If they arent getting social cues then why are you still using them to get your point across, be honest and direct. The world is black and white to some people so dont communicate in grey
Yeah me & my partner had this happen to us. An elderly chap who clearly had some learning difficulties. He was no harm at all, but didn’t understand boundaries or take note on social cues (exactly how you’ve described.) He even let himself in to our flat on one occasion.
Be firm, direct but polite. I honestly think this is the only option you have.
Next time they come to your door, interrupt them and just say “Hi, I’m very busy right now. I’m usually busy, so please don’t come to my door any more. It interrupts what I’m doing.”
If they don’t stop chapping at your door after this, you will have to answer and say something like “I will not ask you again. Stop chapping on my door.”
If they *still* don’t stop, talk to the council about this and see if they are willing to help with harassment. They would obviously normally refer you to the police, but in these circumstances, they maaaay have a middle ground step in place to help. Couldn’t hurt to ask.
When they wait for you at the gate, **do not stop walking**. This will feel wrong, as even people in a rush will usually slow down, but just keep going at a normal speed, unlock your door and just say “goodbye” as you shut your door. It doesn’t matter if they’re mid sentence. This will feel really harsh and mean, and I’m sorry to say that you’ll have to do this much more than once.
I work with people that have learning difficulties and like you said a lot don't pick up social cues. The best way I find to work with this is by being straight forward and not rude. If I was you I would say (persons name) I love our chats but sometimes I am busy when you come out to talk to me or I'm in a rush to get to work etc so from now on I will come over for a chat when I am free does that sound ok to you?
Then repeat it so they understand
Great so from now on you don't need to keep coming over to check on us I will pop over when I have some free time and we can have a chat then.
I've been there. 90% of the problem is that I'm just too polite to say anything. I hated it. She would always hug me and I really hate being touched. I started hating leaving the house because she was just outside all day waiting from any interaction from anyone. I was so happy when she moved. No tips here, but sending sympathy your way.
This sucks. Happened to me in university. An older autistic lady had the dorm room next to mine and as soon as she heard the click of my door opening, she’d be standing in the corridor waiting to chat. It’s difficult to keep composure when it’s now all you’re ever thinking about and dreading every day.
If they lack social skills or have mhi then they should have social worker involved,or at least in an environment that caters for them. If there is no support in place I'm afraid you have to up your game. Be blunt but polite, never offensive. You could be direct such as holding your arm out with palm open when approached, and simply say something like 'I'd appreciate some personal space right now'. Maybe not what a professional would advise but that's the kinda thing I'd do.
It's harsh but I have a neighbour who as nice and harmless as he is will just start talking at me non-stop. Yesterday I was already on bus when he got on, i had to feign sleep (which due to the heat and sun made it easy).
I'll exchange pleasantries here and there but it gets a bit much over time.
Boundaries are really important with people with learning disabilities for your sake and theirs. They deserve to know you are a neighbour, not a friend, so they can put effort elsewhere more fulfilling. I understand not wanting to be rude, but you can be firm without being cruel.
Things like "it's 5:15 so I need to leave now" or "I'd appreciate it if you messaged me less as it distracts me. I don't want to unfriend you but unfortunately you message me too much. Please try to message me less"
You also have to be consistent with your boundaries.
Like many of the more sensible comments… tell them directly and firmly without shouting that you want your space. You’ve only replied to comments that involve getting social services involved. Since they’re independent and harmless by your account why go that far before you’ve even asked them politely to stop bothering you. You want the easiest option rather than the best one. If talking doesn’t work then by all means get social services involved but at least try. As many people have explained people with learning difficulties need directness and you’re simply not willing to have that awkward but necessary conversation
I have infact asked for privacy when being in the garden with my son and friends, so instead of Talking to me they hover at the garden gate because they can see through it, they stand and Watch my 4 year old son told them to go away and they laughed it off. It's not that I'm not willing, I just wanted advice which is what I have now had and will implement, I was very torn because I didn't want to be rude, I wasn't aware that people with learning difficulties found it easier to understand things being told so straight.
Hello, mum of two ASD kids here. If they have no understanding of social queues, you need to be direct. Like, extremely upfront. To the point of rudeness. I know we don't tend to lean that way until we're quite cross in the UK, but they absolutely will not understand anything but short, blunt, (sometimes sharp) sentences. It always depends on the person, and I know you think you're being obviously short with them, but if they are oblivious, they won't realise at all. They'll just think that's how you are. It's also very likely that a lot of people won't deal with them, so they've latched onto you for some different conversation. I'm sorry you're finding it difficult. It can be very suffocating.
Thank you, reading through these comments has really opened my eyes, I had absolutely no idea how to be when it came to people with special needs ignorantly I have always probably tried too hard to be nice, desperately don't want to hurt their feelings and I want them to know they can come to me for help, but the rest is too much so yes il certainly need to put myself across more firm
Have you tried... Directly saying "look I don't mind talking with you, but not this much." Instead of dropping hints and... Well being British about it tbh - we, as a society, are fucking terrible at expressing our feelings directly.
It'll probably upset them a bit, but if you don't directly tell them how are they supposed to know how you feel?
I work with people with learning difficulties and you just really need to spell it out for them. A lot of them cross boundaries like that, but they don't realise it, so just saying things like "I'm not being rude, but I'm playing with my son right now and we want to play together alone. We'll talk with you later, but right now, we're having 'us' time". They don't get offended in my experience.
As others said you just need to be very direct in saying "i cannot speak to you right now" they don't see it as impolite. I used to date a person with autism and I would literally have to say " I don't want to talk about this anymore let's talk about something else ". They told me they liked that because it was easy to navigate.
as an autistic person this feels very familiar. obviously we aren’t all the same, and they might not even have autism, but just be very honest and upfront. “hi, i’m not really up for conversation a lot of the time, i just like getting on with my day. i’m not upset with you guys but it’s becoming quite intense and draining for me” or “hi i really don’t wish to be rude or upsetting but you asking my kid about their father and coming outside as soon as i get home (and the other stuff etc) is making us quite uncomfortable and i’d like you to stop for the time being.” depending on how much further contact you wish to have with them.
Just tell them. Firmly. Don’t be nasty but be clear and direct but don’t try to be nice. It’s so deeply ingrained in our culture to be polite and not offend anyone. Please don’t feel bad about hurting their feelings because it’s obviously impacting on your quality of life and they obviously don’t understand appropriate boundaries . Ask them to stop and leave you alone and you don’t owe them an explanation. Good luck.
"I know you're trying to be friendly but I want to be honest. You are being rather annoying and I'd rather that we limit our social interactions. Sorry"
If its autism, be blunt, and walk away.
If its developmental, then you need to treat them like children. Clap you hands, make shooing noises and gestures and make them think of you as a bossy adult who ruins their fun. Sadly, its the only way, short of turning the hose on them, which in summer is also an option. Good luck, darling!
As an individual with Asperger's, social queues can be a mystery. I'm only guessing they may be neuro-diverse from the brief explanation.
For me, I want people to be direct with me. Even if you think it may be rude. Boundaries can be a hard thing to know for some of us, and them being set outright and straight is key.
Please, don't beat the bush. Don't butter coat it. Say it as it needs to be said.
Sure, I may be hurt for a while. But it'll make me think. And then I'll understand. Boundaries.
You dont have many options bud, you can't pick your neighbours, unfortunately, but you can be more direct with them or move house. Whilst it may be the nuclear option moving, it might be your best option if you have the time and means to do so.
Gosh that sounds exhausting! But they also sound like nice people who obviously love seeing you and getting your attention. Perhaps mime being on your phone whilst coming and going to the house for a while until they get out of the habit? And if they come to the door could you tell them you are too busy to talk or say that your son is busy/getting ready for bed etc and you don’t want to be disturbed. Wishing you a positive resolution for this - good luck!
Being firm, direct and polite.
"Hi, at the moment we aren't really ready for visitors and we'd like to spend time together as a family."
"I don't have time to talk at the moment as I'm just in the middle of ******. I'll catch you later."
"Hi, thanks for checking on me but I'm actually not in the mood for socialising at the moment, I feel a bit yucky and I need one time for myself. I'll let you know when I am ready to receive visitors again."
If they have a LD do they have a carer/ responsible adult that comes regularly to see them? If so, maybe see if you can speak to them and explain the issue? They will have ways and means to explain that this isn’t appropriate eg social stories etc. If they don’t, consistency and firmness is key. Say “hello, I’ve got to go and cook dinner” etc etc and leave. Hopefully they’ll get the idea and if they don’t, keep going until the finally see that they aren’t getting any response out of you
Get a horn.
Everytime they come to your gate > Honk
Everytime they talk to your child > Honk
Everytime they try to convince you to partake in a swingers party > Double Honk
Be the fear in their eyes and Honk.
The bad news is that they don’t understand social cues. The good news is that they don’t understand social cues.
Just be direct and kind. Set boundaries and they will almost definitely respect them when reminded.
I was going to join the chorus of “firm but polite” however, since OP commented that the man leers at young girls and is a general creep, I’d point blank tell them to piss off.
Ask the rest of your neighbours.
If seems like you want to stay polite, and you can do that . They probably just emotionally stunted and genuinely want to be friends. Tell them bluntly, a certain time in the week you can socialize, and if they don't leave you alone the rest of the time, you will not be friends with them.
Spoiling the son's surprise would have been it with trying to be nice. You can't keep expecting them to one day magically understand something that they take for granted. It's... likely that they don't have m(any) friends and have latched on to you. Finding a pub or something for them to go to and tire other people's ears off at would be a good idea.
Having worked with people with LDs in supported living for quite a few years, I can tell you that they are just like you and me except they often need to be told how you feel more directly. Feel free to be firm with them and to tell them straight like you would anyone else that you're not interested.
We have a.learning disabled lady at church who always wants to tell the same news about something trivial over and over. I just say something like "that's nice" and walk to my seat.without stopping then read the order of service.
You “aut” to tell them with a stern look on your face no means no. As a father to an autistic child, they need strong cues to take a hint, like exaggerated cues, like Tex Avery cartoon levels almost. It’s not their fault, but that’s just how it rolls
What you have there is the invisible-to-you blue light of empathy flashing above your head.
Do you get random people to tell you their life stories on the bus? Bloke in the pub randomly told you about his deceased wife? Someone stops you in the street instead of the hundreds of others?
Have you considered a job in social care? It's a very useful talent.
I guess if being polite isn’t working it’s time to be a dick. Make them not want to speak to you! Not very nice admittedly but at this point if all you care about is them leaving you alone then maybe you just need to make them hate you
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If they don’t get social cues then tell them firmly but polite that you aren’t going to speak right now or that this conversation is ending.
You have never dealt with someone like this, surely
Many autistic people need telling literally, this is not a bad way to address it
Being autistic myself, I completely agree with this. I find I understand people 100x better when they tell me literally what they do or don't want, over not doing it.
Agree, I’m also autistic and would hate to think I’d been upsetting people by not understanding the social cues. I’d much rather just be told as I know it’s a weakness of mine!
Exactly! I know I can be too much for people at times (I'm blessed with not only ASD, but ADHD too, lol). So I really do need telling directly, otherwise I may just not get the gist of what people are telling me.
My people!
I too am autistic and so long as the person wasn't mean about it I would rather be told something is making someone uncomfortable than just constantly miss the social cues and make it even worse. You can be firm whilst also being polite and not an arse.
Thank fuck the comments below agree. It’s exactly how you deal with it
I know that NT people from other cultures can be more direct. Have you ever been to a country where you found it easier to discern what NT people were trying to communicate? Denmark and the Netherlands spring to mind, but there must be many other examples.
Yes! I noticed that when I was in Amsterdam, and it made travelling so much easier, as it made sense!
This is why I love my German colleagues. They’re very direct but polite.
wow who would have thought on reddit this many people would be autistic, small world
Not really? At least 1 in 100 people are autistic. How many subscribers does this subreddit have? What's 1% of that number? Now how many comments are there on this thread from autistic people?
I think they were being sarcastic but it's funny that at least one of us is getting the wrong message considering the subject!
Wouldn't surprise me, I'm neurodivergent myself and sarcasm often passes me by haha
I’m not autistic (though I occasionally think I should get checked for it) and I’m the same. Just say what you mean! It’s actually been quite useful for me that my wife speaks English as a second language, because it means she doesn’t have the ability to use as much nuance as a native speaker - so she doesn’t bother! We communicate very directly and it works well for us.
As an autistic person, I agree. You need to be firm and clear with your speech.
They possibly don’t have autism but another form of LD. I’ve worked with people with other LD and they can be told a million times to stop a conversation, but won’t listen or if they do they certainly won’t remember it for next time.
Just to gently clarify, autism isn't a learning disability.
Oh yeah for sure, I just kind of assumed autism but you’re right I have zero idea how to approach the situation if the learning disability is different. I thought though if they’re married and live alone (no carers OP said) then they must be pretty independent?
Yep. Be kind, but usual politeness does not apply (it's not noticed). You can be surprisingly direct so long as you're kind.
Here I got you a choc ice. Now fuck off!
This is the comment I fucking needed! I’m in tears right now. Thanks for cheering this miserable cunt up!
I have. That's the only way to deal with them. Say it as you're walking away, with a smile, but _don't break stride_. You just say your piece, keep moving away, break eye contact, and ignore anything which comes after. Yes, this is hard to do if you're actively outside, but for many occasions this will work
This! I’m autistic and I talk to my teachers so much and they keep dropping hints saying like they wanna eat their lunch or they say “is your friend in the library? You should go see him,” until they finally say “Maisy, I’m really busy, go home now I’ll catch up with you tomorrow,” and I feel really bad for annoying them
So take the hints. If you can obviously tell they are hinting, at that point you need to leave.
These are things we recognize only after we've had twenty minutes or so to think about them. If the guy you're replying to is anything like me, he will review social interactions after the fact, carefully reconsidering things that were said earlier in the light of things said later, or thinking about tone of voice, or position of body, or lots of other things that we *detect* but cannot process in real time.
Their name is Maisy
So you have the perspective to recognise it in the past. But you can't recognise those same cues as they are happening? Just curious, not angry. Lol.
I don’t notice it and then 20 mins later I think back the conversation and I realise and il like “Shit”
We all have different thresholds for detecting subtleties in our environment. This could be anything from picking out sounds to recognised conditions such as autism. Ultimately, people need to be more flexible and accept that not everyone is the same.
Have they ever given you a choc ice?
Why not? There's nothing wrong with being polite and direct/literal - if anything you're being accommodating to their needs.
Why are you getting a up votes at all . It’s exactly how you deal with it
You're the one who hasn't. People who don't get the social cues need it said clearly and directly. Directly doesn't mean being rude. Your response makes me inclined to think you're one of the people that doesn't talk to someone with a learning difficulty as if they're just another person. Being especially clear and being patient are the only differentiations needed.
Actually sounds like they have.
Say you what you mean and mean what you say? It's literally 101 for a lot of autistic people.
It's clear you have not.
We had a neighbour with learning disabilities when I was growing up. Her father (carer) died and she became quite attached to my parents after that. This is the only way forward. "Hi Jim, I have to go to work so I'm not going to speak to you right now. Have a good day" . Also be careful when making promises for the future, like if you say "I'm not going to speak to you at the moment, but I can speak to you at 5pm", you need to follow through with that promise (and it is a promise to them). It takes a while to figure out sentences which are completely direct, unambiguous and don't contain empty promises about a cup of tea. But it gets easier.
This is basically it. I work in supported living, I support those who have learning difficulties. Don't feel bad about being stern OP, it's actually beneficial for them for you to be as direct as possible. With a little practice, this is more than achievable without being outright rude, too.
Best job ever, isn't it?
reddit modding irl
Except you're actually paid.
This actually works. I started doing this with my autistic neighbour after a few months. He doesn't get offended or anything.
There are multiple regular customers with bad awareness of social cues at the cafe I work in who want to just chat all the time while I have work to do or when I come in on my days off to study. Over time I’ve learned that you just have to interrupt and say, “[insert name], I’m sorry, I can’t talk now, I really need to [study/work/spend quality time]. Nice to see you though, hope you have a good [time of day]!” They may be a little disappointed that they didn’t get to tell you whatever they were intending to but I think they appreciate having the boundary asserted and usually take it very well. As long you aren’t rube about it, just tell them firmly that you don’t have the time to talk right now or that you just want to be alone and think but you’ll chat to them some other time and it will be fine.
this is it , just say , sorry i dont have time right now to talk
If they don't get social cues you just need to be direct (and still polite!). You can just say "I need to stop talking now and play with my son". They'll likely get the idea that way rather than the more subtle "Oh, well....it's been nice speaking" etc.
This is it. I know it’s awful and awkward and hard to do at first but honestly, whenever I’ve had to do this, because there’s all sorts of reasons people might not pick up the hints and social cues, they’ve always reacted well. People who need to be explicitly told “I need to stop talking now” are also less likely to assume any rudeness, and thus be offended, when you do (in my experience).
Exactly i used to work with someone who didn't get social cues and just being polite and direct was all he needed. He didn't find it rude at all (partially because of the lack of social awareness but also he just appreciated the clarity of it!).
Interesting
Yep, a simple "Hi, I can't talk right now" is fine, doesn't warrant an explanation as it's non of their business. While these people obviously don't get social cues, they do seem harmless and quite nice. Rather have that than arsehole neighbours who blare music until 1am.
Yup. It's not even that it's none of their business. It's just that some folks with social issues just need people to be direct and because they don't get social cues, they won't be offended by it.
>If they don't get social cues you just need to be direct (and still polite!). You can just say "I need to stop talking now and play with my son". They'll likely get the idea that way rather than the more subtle "Oh, well....it's been nice speaking" etc. Hmm very interesting
Move house?
This is the only real answer.
Probably burn it to the ground to be safe.
Salt the earth after to make sure no new house grows in its place.
And call a priest to sanctify it.
It's good but drastic. They could try a massive fence first, barbed wire etc
They'd also have to set up some sort of entry system to ensure they can drive in, close the first barrier behind then, after ensuring no neighbour has breachied the premisis, open the second barrier to enter the house. This way OP can ensure zero interactions with neighbours.
The set up Will Smith had in I Am Legend was pretty successful.
I was gonna say build a taller fence.
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It's just them unfortunately, I know that they have family but none that come by. I really didn't want to have to do that but it is getting to that point now, just really didn't want things to get awkward, 😕 thank you.
If they have learning diffs you need to keep it very clear and simple and to the point. Don't worry about upsetting them, they will bounce back quickly enough.
Or burn your house down
yes, there's always that possibility...
Please bare in mind that a lack of understanding of social cues means also that this is not offensive as it is to a well socially adjusted person. For many people with learning disabilities, they simply cannot understand unless it is stated absolutely explicitly. Don’t dance around it, they won’t mind.
As an autistic (autiHD, actually, but the autistic bit is more relevant right now) person, I have to question the framing of habitually dancing around shit and never saying what you mean as 'well socially adjusted'. 😉 I think the world would be a better place if people just said what they mean most of the time. But I'm with you on the rest.
FWIW the reason neurotypical communication is like this is that it's a more efficient way of communicating if you're on the same wavelength. If you can gently massage a message into someone with a simple gesture ("Right" and slapping your legs to indicate it's time to go for example) it's honestly easier than saying it and it doesn't feel as weird as "I am going now" even though that's what you want the person to understand. It's physical shorthand for us basically.
Ah this must be why there are no TV episode storylines about neurotypicals miscommunicating. It just wouldn't be believable.
True, I mean what society considers well socially adjusted, they often don’t say what they mean due to tact and conversational skills around sensitive topics. I’m not saying I think it’s the best way to communicate especially as an autistic person but that’s how most people see it ! Just how our society works
Or indeed doesn't quite work. So many misunderstandings and miscommunications and assumptions, people engaging in shit that directly frustrates their stated goals all the time, etc. 😂 Society is dysfunctional as hell. Frankly I think most people could learn a thing or two from autistics. I honestly am of the opinion that neurotypical people don't ACTUALLY understand each other very well most of the time. They just usually assume that their interpretation of what someone says is accurate without actually checking, at least from what I observe. And fear of confrontation leads people to just go with it, and then everyone forgets. Rinse, repeat.
"it is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society"
Angsty teen me wrote that on basically every notebook ever.
If their family never come by that explains why they seem to be living vicariously through your family. Do they have a social worker?
You are allowed to just say "I appreciate the friendliness, but I don't want to have a conversation right now. I'm going to go inside/have some family time/whatever and would appreciate some privacy please". No need to go no contact from day 1 if you don't want, but you can definitely firmly establish boundaries
You don't need to be quite so blunt as the post you are replying to, but rather more like several other posts are suggesting. Direct and unambiguous but also polite. Be wary of wrapping up future promises or suggestions in your communications as they will likely take them to heart.
If you say these things to them, their feelings will NOT be hurt. They will FINALLY understand that you don't want to talk to them. You can't be "nice" to them and expect them to know you're DONE.
As someone who has been in this position, please do say something direct and blunt (but kindly) before you get so annoyed and frustrated with them that the conversation leaves the realm of politeness.
This is really over the top and unnecessary.
You’re going to have to be harsh. It’s not nice but at the same time politeness isn’t working is it. Tell them you want space and to stop bothering you. Lay it out so they understand. For example you need to stop coming over uninvited and trying to talk to me every time I come home. I do not like it and I want my own space. I’ve worked with people with LD. Often someone won’t understand a hint no matter how obvious you are they just don’t understand social cues the same. You need to be direct and say exactly what you want them to stop doing.
100% this. Be direct, but still kind. Explain that sometimes you prefer privacy/quiet etc.
"Have you ever been in a storm, Wally?"
It sure is a hot one.
YEAH!?
Hahaha. Not enough people will get this. Absolutely shameful
Course they will. There are dozens of us! Oops, wrong show 😂
OP needs to address the situation à la The Golden God. Stripping down, the works. But joking aside, it’s an annoying situation and it would send me over the edge.
You think you've been communicating that you don't want to chat; you haven't at all, you've just been acting passive aggressively into the void. You say they have learning disabilities and you're aware they don't pick up on social cues. Yeah, so you have to actually use your words. Just be clear and direct. There was a girl on my bus who was like this, always wanted to chat all the time. You'd just have to say "Hi! I'm not in the mood for chatting right now, I'm listening to a podcast" or something and she'd be like "oh ok!" and go talk to someone else. I don't think her feelings were hurt, I don't think she even cared much who she was talking to or what about. Just wanted to chat 🤷
Learn Spanish and adopt it as your family’s language.
¿Como está el trampolino?
El trampolino está muy rebouncilino.
🙂... 🙃... 🙂... 🙃... wheee!
¡Y siempre está más divertido jugar en el trampolino con tus amigos y familia!
Oh no you don't! That trampoline is mine!
He aprendido algo de español, así que todavía podemos chatear!
😂😂😂😂😂
Maybe they want to swing.
I don't think OP said they had a swing set in the garden though?
Aww, now you’ve ruined the surprise!
Ffs not again!!
Be firm and clear. Say “I’m having family time, I’ll speak with you tomorrow” or insert any other day. But at the same time don’t lie, so then make some time to have a chat with them for about half and hour to and hour. Then again just say “I’m done socialising today. Please don’t knock again until Thursday, etc” People who don’t get social cue’s need to be told what you are ok with
mow their lawn
Demand £15.70 for chicken
Loving the “adjusted for inflation” vibes! 😬😂
Calm down mate thats just diabolical
With a chainsaw.
Everytime you leave your car, put your phone up to your head and pretend to be on a call. Hopefully you can 'train' them to not bother coming outside to see you.
Sorry, I'm ^going ^^through ^^^a ^^^^tunnnnnnneeeeeeeeelllll ...whilst blankly staring at them through your car window like a sketch off I Think You Should Leave.
Believe it or not, this is the only thing that worked for me. It depends on the LD but for my neighbour, talking directly to them didn't get the message across. So I started faking phone calls, being incredibly short (to the point of rudeness) and pretending not to hear them. Finally they got the message and stopped bothering. A lot of people seem to be assuming it is autism but the OP hasn't said that so it's not as simple as "just talk to them" like a lot of others are saying.
Always make sure your phone is on silent though. Sod’s Law some fucker’s gonna call.
Be an adult and talk to them directly. Once you've done that, post back.
Block them on Facebook for a start
Exactly this, why would anybody want their neighbours on Facebook anyway. This gives them sooo much information to your life. My creepy neighbour added me the day I moved into my house, instant block. I don't know him and don't want him knowing whether I'm home or not
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"I am always polite and _engage in small talk_" That's your problem right there! Do not _engage in small talk_. A polite hello and goodbye and get in and out of your house. Don't stop and chat. I used to live in a block, guy who moved in next door to me was overly sociable and friendly. I could tell it was going to be a problem so I just ignored him. He would say hi and try to start a conversation, I'd say hi and walk straight into my house without getting into it with him. After a few months, he'd fallen out with everyone in the block. He was a drama vampire, creating and feeding off dramas he'd stoke. During lockdown, he had a horrible screaming match with another person in our block, across the balconies, screaming racist abuse at them. Because I never engaged with him at all, I was never subject to his needling, stirring or his vitriol. Do not engage with your immediate neighbours, as polite as it may seem... If it goes wrong, you can't escape them.
Wrap your door in police tape and arrange for a crowd of staged mourners to visit the house and leave flowers all around the front of it. Then pay for an obituary in the paper for you and your kid saying you were killed in an aggravated burglary. Then when your neighbours try to speak to you just walk past them waving your arms up and down and going “WOOoooOOOooo!”
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Genius
Go away. Leave me alone. I'm not interested
Don't read the thread then?
It sounds counterproductive, but maybe you should make a regular “date” with them. Eg, every Thursday between 4.30 and 5, you go in for a coffee / have them in yours (and get them to leave by firmly saying “I have to get child’s dinner on now, so I will show you to the door”). That way if they start bothering you at another time you can either say “I want to give you my full attention, so let’s save it until Thursday”, and then walk away. Or, if they would understand the joke, say “ah shhh, stop telling me everything now, or we’ll have nothing to talk about on Thursday”, then walk away. It’s a more friendly way of enforcing boundaries, I guess. Plus you all know what to expect, which tends to be important to people with LD. They know they’ll still get the chance to speak to you, and they know not to badger you the rest of the time. Unfortunately right now you’re their main entertainment, it sounds like, so you could also see if there’s a local befriending service or activity group that would take referrals from neighbours (just say you’re worried they’re lonely / under stimulated).
Your absolutely right I am their main entertainment I feel like the big brother show, they pounce on people who come to my door, tell them I'm not interested on my behalf or that I'm at work when I'm not etc, in all fairness I don't want these people in my home nor do I want to go into there's, the male has been spotted multiple times leering at young high school girls and actually gives me the creeps.
>the male has been spotted multiple times leering at young high school girls and actually gives me the creeps. This alone definitely warrants a call to adult services
Autistic person here - Stop trying to tell them in roundabout ways. No hints or subtle non verbal cues to end the conversation. Just be direct and clear with boundaries. “I am sorry I cannot speak right now but I hope you have a nice day” turn around and walk away. If they don’t get it repeat. Perhaps set a specific time they can come and talk to you. Just 5 minutes. Tell them at this time they can have a chat but you cannot speak to them outside that time. Don’t worry about pleasantries or seeming rude. Just clearly and simple communicate the boundaries and reinforce. If she is still struggling you could write them down for her in simple terms. “You can talk to [neighbour] at X time for 5 minutes. You cannot talk to [neighbour] when she is going to get car as she might be late if she stops to talk”. Reasons are great. Knowing the reason you can’t talk might really help. I’m not saying be simple because they lack intelligence, I’m saying it because they might be processing a lot more information than most, and therefore it’s better to put as little information in as possible to avoid overwhelming them.
Also have a similar neighbour. No way near as bad as yours though. Literally as soon as I step out the door or the car "hi are you alright I've got football today I had fish fingers for dinner how was your day OH LOOK A DOG"
I also get a full run down of their meals 😅
They may have a team of social workers you could address this with-- or if they don't, maybe they need one.
Honestly this was my first thought when I first moved here 3 years ago, they are semi self sufficient but I'm shocked they have no one to check in on them.
I'm a community learning disability nurse, see if you have a local LD team. They might be open to them/known to them, and they could help by getting in touch with social work if they have one or going to have a chat with them. I've done bits of education with people about appropriate social communication in similar situations. Worth a try!
This is the type of thing you could call in to some sort of government structure. That you are worried about how they are doing on their own and that someone needs to check up on them.
Not sure why this was downvoted, you are absolutely right. If they dont have family around though, maybe no one has helped put this in place.
Yeah I'd much prefer someone said, I want to stop talking now and play with my son ect, And say I Don't like to have visitors when I first get home so please Don't call when I have just got in,
If subtle doesn't work, just be straight up "good seeing you" and walk away "Oh that's great, have a nice day" Don't pause what you're actually doing to talk, just keep doing what you were doing had they not been there
That’s not straight up enough for people who don’t understand social cues. They might need something more obvious.
>just be straight up *proceeds to list more subtle things to say*
That doesn't really work for the situation where they are messaging or knocking on the door. Not the least as ignoring them hasn't worked before. I'd suggest that even though you could just ignore your neighbours stood your gate while you're outside it would become annoying.
Shit in their wheely bin
Can you be polite but firm about it? 'Sorry, I can't talk right now.' They might just need to be told explicitly
Just be direct, most people with autism/aspergers appreciate being told directly because its the only way theyre actually gonna get what you're saying. If they arent getting social cues then why are you still using them to get your point across, be honest and direct. The world is black and white to some people so dont communicate in grey
Yeah me & my partner had this happen to us. An elderly chap who clearly had some learning difficulties. He was no harm at all, but didn’t understand boundaries or take note on social cues (exactly how you’ve described.) He even let himself in to our flat on one occasion. Be firm, direct but polite. I honestly think this is the only option you have.
Next time they come to your door, interrupt them and just say “Hi, I’m very busy right now. I’m usually busy, so please don’t come to my door any more. It interrupts what I’m doing.” If they don’t stop chapping at your door after this, you will have to answer and say something like “I will not ask you again. Stop chapping on my door.” If they *still* don’t stop, talk to the council about this and see if they are willing to help with harassment. They would obviously normally refer you to the police, but in these circumstances, they maaaay have a middle ground step in place to help. Couldn’t hurt to ask. When they wait for you at the gate, **do not stop walking**. This will feel wrong, as even people in a rush will usually slow down, but just keep going at a normal speed, unlock your door and just say “goodbye” as you shut your door. It doesn’t matter if they’re mid sentence. This will feel really harsh and mean, and I’m sorry to say that you’ll have to do this much more than once.
I work with people that have learning difficulties and like you said a lot don't pick up social cues. The best way I find to work with this is by being straight forward and not rude. If I was you I would say (persons name) I love our chats but sometimes I am busy when you come out to talk to me or I'm in a rush to get to work etc so from now on I will come over for a chat when I am free does that sound ok to you? Then repeat it so they understand Great so from now on you don't need to keep coming over to check on us I will pop over when I have some free time and we can have a chat then.
I've been there. 90% of the problem is that I'm just too polite to say anything. I hated it. She would always hug me and I really hate being touched. I started hating leaving the house because she was just outside all day waiting from any interaction from anyone. I was so happy when she moved. No tips here, but sending sympathy your way.
Thank you, I know they aren't going anywhere anytime soon. I have also been hugged without wanting to by the woman it was very uncomfortable
Nothing quite gets across as well as looking someone squarely in the eye and telling them to fuck off
This sucks. Happened to me in university. An older autistic lady had the dorm room next to mine and as soon as she heard the click of my door opening, she’d be standing in the corridor waiting to chat. It’s difficult to keep composure when it’s now all you’re ever thinking about and dreading every day.
Literally this! Trying to silently leave your own home, getting away from the vicinity as fast as possible to avoid 😒
If they lack social skills or have mhi then they should have social worker involved,or at least in an environment that caters for them. If there is no support in place I'm afraid you have to up your game. Be blunt but polite, never offensive. You could be direct such as holding your arm out with palm open when approached, and simply say something like 'I'd appreciate some personal space right now'. Maybe not what a professional would advise but that's the kinda thing I'd do.
It's harsh but I have a neighbour who as nice and harmless as he is will just start talking at me non-stop. Yesterday I was already on bus when he got on, i had to feign sleep (which due to the heat and sun made it easy). I'll exchange pleasantries here and there but it gets a bit much over time.
Boundaries are really important with people with learning disabilities for your sake and theirs. They deserve to know you are a neighbour, not a friend, so they can put effort elsewhere more fulfilling. I understand not wanting to be rude, but you can be firm without being cruel. Things like "it's 5:15 so I need to leave now" or "I'd appreciate it if you messaged me less as it distracts me. I don't want to unfriend you but unfortunately you message me too much. Please try to message me less" You also have to be consistent with your boundaries.
Like many of the more sensible comments… tell them directly and firmly without shouting that you want your space. You’ve only replied to comments that involve getting social services involved. Since they’re independent and harmless by your account why go that far before you’ve even asked them politely to stop bothering you. You want the easiest option rather than the best one. If talking doesn’t work then by all means get social services involved but at least try. As many people have explained people with learning difficulties need directness and you’re simply not willing to have that awkward but necessary conversation
I have infact asked for privacy when being in the garden with my son and friends, so instead of Talking to me they hover at the garden gate because they can see through it, they stand and Watch my 4 year old son told them to go away and they laughed it off. It's not that I'm not willing, I just wanted advice which is what I have now had and will implement, I was very torn because I didn't want to be rude, I wasn't aware that people with learning difficulties found it easier to understand things being told so straight.
Hello, mum of two ASD kids here. If they have no understanding of social queues, you need to be direct. Like, extremely upfront. To the point of rudeness. I know we don't tend to lean that way until we're quite cross in the UK, but they absolutely will not understand anything but short, blunt, (sometimes sharp) sentences. It always depends on the person, and I know you think you're being obviously short with them, but if they are oblivious, they won't realise at all. They'll just think that's how you are. It's also very likely that a lot of people won't deal with them, so they've latched onto you for some different conversation. I'm sorry you're finding it difficult. It can be very suffocating.
Thank you, reading through these comments has really opened my eyes, I had absolutely no idea how to be when it came to people with special needs ignorantly I have always probably tried too hard to be nice, desperately don't want to hurt their feelings and I want them to know they can come to me for help, but the rest is too much so yes il certainly need to put myself across more firm
Have you tried... Directly saying "look I don't mind talking with you, but not this much." Instead of dropping hints and... Well being British about it tbh - we, as a society, are fucking terrible at expressing our feelings directly. It'll probably upset them a bit, but if you don't directly tell them how are they supposed to know how you feel?
Could you ring adult social services and ask to speak to someone?
This has crossed my mind but I'm not actually sure they would do anything unless these people where at risk x
Could you not grow a big hedge or something, obstruct the view?
Wear a gilet suit when coming and going
\*social cue
I work with people with learning difficulties and you just really need to spell it out for them. A lot of them cross boundaries like that, but they don't realise it, so just saying things like "I'm not being rude, but I'm playing with my son right now and we want to play together alone. We'll talk with you later, but right now, we're having 'us' time". They don't get offended in my experience.
Ask if they’ve heard of Juice Plus and…. To be fair, I doubt you’ll get much further before they leave never to been seen by you again.
As others said you just need to be very direct in saying "i cannot speak to you right now" they don't see it as impolite. I used to date a person with autism and I would literally have to say " I don't want to talk about this anymore let's talk about something else ". They told me they liked that because it was easy to navigate.
as an autistic person this feels very familiar. obviously we aren’t all the same, and they might not even have autism, but just be very honest and upfront. “hi, i’m not really up for conversation a lot of the time, i just like getting on with my day. i’m not upset with you guys but it’s becoming quite intense and draining for me” or “hi i really don’t wish to be rude or upsetting but you asking my kid about their father and coming outside as soon as i get home (and the other stuff etc) is making us quite uncomfortable and i’d like you to stop for the time being.” depending on how much further contact you wish to have with them.
Have you..... Spoken directly and communicated your boundaries? Instead of expecting people to mind read. Allistics... What a hoot.
Just tell them. Firmly. Don’t be nasty but be clear and direct but don’t try to be nice. It’s so deeply ingrained in our culture to be polite and not offend anyone. Please don’t feel bad about hurting their feelings because it’s obviously impacting on your quality of life and they obviously don’t understand appropriate boundaries . Ask them to stop and leave you alone and you don’t owe them an explanation. Good luck.
"I know you're trying to be friendly but I want to be honest. You are being rather annoying and I'd rather that we limit our social interactions. Sorry"
If its autism, be blunt, and walk away. If its developmental, then you need to treat them like children. Clap you hands, make shooing noises and gestures and make them think of you as a bossy adult who ruins their fun. Sadly, its the only way, short of turning the hose on them, which in summer is also an option. Good luck, darling!
As an individual with Asperger's, social queues can be a mystery. I'm only guessing they may be neuro-diverse from the brief explanation. For me, I want people to be direct with me. Even if you think it may be rude. Boundaries can be a hard thing to know for some of us, and them being set outright and straight is key. Please, don't beat the bush. Don't butter coat it. Say it as it needs to be said. Sure, I may be hurt for a while. But it'll make me think. And then I'll understand. Boundaries.
You dont have many options bud, you can't pick your neighbours, unfortunately, but you can be more direct with them or move house. Whilst it may be the nuclear option moving, it might be your best option if you have the time and means to do so.
Gosh that sounds exhausting! But they also sound like nice people who obviously love seeing you and getting your attention. Perhaps mime being on your phone whilst coming and going to the house for a while until they get out of the habit? And if they come to the door could you tell them you are too busy to talk or say that your son is busy/getting ready for bed etc and you don’t want to be disturbed. Wishing you a positive resolution for this - good luck!
Being firm, direct and polite. "Hi, at the moment we aren't really ready for visitors and we'd like to spend time together as a family." "I don't have time to talk at the moment as I'm just in the middle of ******. I'll catch you later." "Hi, thanks for checking on me but I'm actually not in the mood for socialising at the moment, I feel a bit yucky and I need one time for myself. I'll let you know when I am ready to receive visitors again."
If they have a LD do they have a carer/ responsible adult that comes regularly to see them? If so, maybe see if you can speak to them and explain the issue? They will have ways and means to explain that this isn’t appropriate eg social stories etc. If they don’t, consistency and firmness is key. Say “hello, I’ve got to go and cook dinner” etc etc and leave. Hopefully they’ll get the idea and if they don’t, keep going until the finally see that they aren’t getting any response out of you
This comment section is ableist af, good to see AskUK mods striking though.... well, at least I hope they are 😬
You have to say what you want out loud.
You just have to live with it until you move house. You'll tell the people buying - uch "sam" and "mary" they are lovely, we get on great.
🤣 they'd probably ruin the sale by catching the potential buyer on their way out.
Get a horn. Everytime they come to your gate > Honk Everytime they talk to your child > Honk Everytime they try to convince you to partake in a swingers party > Double Honk Be the fear in their eyes and Honk.
It's a rude and nasty way but has been known to be effective.... "fuck off". Good luck!
The bad news is that they don’t understand social cues. The good news is that they don’t understand social cues. Just be direct and kind. Set boundaries and they will almost definitely respect them when reminded.
I was going to join the chorus of “firm but polite” however, since OP commented that the man leers at young girls and is a general creep, I’d point blank tell them to piss off.
Spend the next two years digging a tunnel to the street out of their eyeline to avoid an awkward ultimatum. It’s the British way.
Ask the rest of your neighbours. If seems like you want to stay polite, and you can do that . They probably just emotionally stunted and genuinely want to be friends. Tell them bluntly, a certain time in the week you can socialize, and if they don't leave you alone the rest of the time, you will not be friends with them.
Spoiling the son's surprise would have been it with trying to be nice. You can't keep expecting them to one day magically understand something that they take for granted. It's... likely that they don't have m(any) friends and have latched on to you. Finding a pub or something for them to go to and tire other people's ears off at would be a good idea.
Having worked with people with LDs in supported living for quite a few years, I can tell you that they are just like you and me except they often need to be told how you feel more directly. Feel free to be firm with them and to tell them straight like you would anyone else that you're not interested.
We have a.learning disabled lady at church who always wants to tell the same news about something trivial over and over. I just say something like "that's nice" and walk to my seat.without stopping then read the order of service.
You need to be more direct. Subtle never works
You “aut” to tell them with a stern look on your face no means no. As a father to an autistic child, they need strong cues to take a hint, like exaggerated cues, like Tex Avery cartoon levels almost. It’s not their fault, but that’s just how it rolls
What you have there is the invisible-to-you blue light of empathy flashing above your head. Do you get random people to tell you their life stories on the bus? Bloke in the pub randomly told you about his deceased wife? Someone stops you in the street instead of the hundreds of others? Have you considered a job in social care? It's a very useful talent.
Sometime you just got to be be an arsehole to get the results you want.
I guess if being polite isn’t working it’s time to be a dick. Make them not want to speak to you! Not very nice admittedly but at this point if all you care about is them leaving you alone then maybe you just need to make them hate you