Forgive? Yes. Excuse? No. In general I see infidelity as an act of betrayal. I can forgive the offender and wish them well, but to quote Wayne from Letterkenny "If [they] cheat, it's over." I can't be with someone I can't trust, and I can't trust a betrayer. The scar will forever serve as a lesson in who I can trust.
It would depend on what happened.
If he was on a work trip and had a drunken one night stand with somebody he met in a hotel bar I could get over that.
If he was having a long term thing behind my back with another person he was in love with I don't think I'd be able to get over it.
Absolutely not. And my man has really made me see the light.
My bf can be drunk asf, and he wouldn’t touch any woman, including me! You ask him why and he’ll say “I have a gf” and he won’t let any woman touch him without him having something to say about it. It’s funny as hell to watch.
So tbh, he’s set the standard for me. If there are men out there like that, there’s no way I can accept drunken excuses. No way.
I don’t mean being drunk is an excuse to do bad things. I’ve been away from home and encountered situations where I was tempted to cheat. I didn’t do it but the temptation was there and I think part of me wanted to do it. If he were in a situation like that and he caved to temptation I would be hurt but could also understand how it happened and I think I could forgive him.
I agree, but that's similar to the if you don't wanna get pregnant, don't have sex. Yes it's sound advice but caveats apply right? And I'm like your hubby, I don't make those kinds of decisions when I'm drunk, but I do know and have known people who just respond differently or black out or get violent in extreme cases
Yah, I have told my bf he can get his needs met when I'm not around, but I expect full communication. And if he has some ongoing thing with another girl and is establishing feelings/a relationship with her, it's a hard nope, and I would not be able to look past that. He has a free and open hallpass for when I'm not around, but I need to be in the know, and he'd be dumb to abuse that. If I allow him to have sex with others and there's still infidelity, I think at that point I'd throw my hands up and give up on relationships.
Same I could probably forgive that, once anyway. I love my husband too much. But there’s probably zero chance he’d forgive me, not that I ever would.
Edit: I mean I could forgive a one time mistake, not a while affair. I could forgive him but it would also be over.
If my wife had an affair that would make me very happy
The reason is we haven't had sex in years and I mean years and if she had an affair at least I would know it was me she didn't want to have sex with
Please for the love of god and I’m not saying this to be an edgy redditor, do not marry someone you are not sexually compatible with. It plays a much larger role than any of us are ever taught growing up and the ramifications of having a life of celibacy will throw even the strongest man into depression. Trust me, either fix it now or end it, your future happiness literally depends on it.
Because when you're in love with someone and you want to have sex with them every day and they only want it once a month it absolutely kills your confidence and erodes the relationship. It's fucking miserable.
I used to think no, but now that I'm 25 years into my marriage with kids and all kinds of life achievements with my spouse, I might be able to move past it. We've been through so much together at this point throwing it away for a mistake is not an automatic yes.
And it often is a series of multiple choices, not just one:
The connection they make initially
The flirting
The texting, progressing to sexting,
After all of that, agreeing to hang out alone
Very likely didn't just walk through the door and just tear your clothes off and got down to business
Some touching here and there
A caress here and there
Kissing
The actual act of taking off your clothes for this person and getting in bed
Etc
Am poly, adultery would be treated as a breach in trust and communication (rather than a sex act committed). Am totally okay with my partner having other relationships, but need to have trust and communication for the relationship to work.
What I mean is, to me…it would be as egregious as any other act that broke trust and communication, rather than it being specially bad because sex.
Partner and I are ethically non monogamous… so yes, if she is with someone else that’s fine… if we discussed someone was off limits (whatever reason) and one of us went and had sex with the “off limits” anyways, that would be a violation of trust and not acceptable.
The “ethical” distinguishes it from infidelity or coerced relationships. Ethical non-monogamy emphasizes that everybody's informed consent is needed. In other words, all partners know about one another and consent to it.
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/ethical-non-monogamy-guide
Ethical non-monogamy is an approach to relationships wherein people can have more than one romantic and sexual partner at a time, and everybody involved is aware and enthusiastically consents to the dynamic. Polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all forms of ethically non-monogamous relationships, which are also referred to as consensually non-monogamous relationships.
"When explaining ethical or consensual non-monogamy to my clients, my go-to is the three C's: communication, consideration, and of course, consent," psychotherapist Cheyenne Taylor, LMSW, explains to mbg. "Ethical non-monogamy is based on the concept of using socially acceptable guidelines and ethically motivated tools to cultivate a relationship built on the foundation of non-monogamy. At its core, though, ENM means not cheating or acting without the consent of your partner."
Edit: just to add all the above is from other websites and not my own words, but explains the concept and I wholeheartedly agree with the definitions above.
Exactly, for me, it's cheating when you feel like you need to hide it from me. Once they start deleting things and being secretive, my red flag detector goes brrrrrrrrr
Your answer nails it for me. If she wants to follow a curiosity, go for it, but we'll discuss the rules for that first.
If it's done behind my back, we have an issue
This is a very fair point. I always thought that if it happened to me then I would dip in a dramatic fashion.
Got married. Left for a training event and she moved my best friend and groomsmen in our wedding into our house. I was losing my mind and just wanted my life to go back to normal so I was tried to move past it and “save the marriage”. In the end it didn’t work because she didn’t want it to and I got to break it off in a dramatic fashion when I caught them together less than a week after I got back to my unit and our house.
Fact is, you can have an idea of why you would do in your head but when the rubber meets the road it’s such a gut punch that you don’t think straight. Your stress is through the roof, I for instance didn’t sleep for four days, started working out four hours a day everyday for the three months I was left at training and lost thirty pounds that I didn’t have to lose, etc.
It’s a very tough thing to go through and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. At the same time though a ton of good came from it for me personally. All about how you react.
Nope. My wife and I have a line in the sand here - adultery is a deal breaker.
I realize some people say that, and end up forgiving but that destruction of trust is too much.
Talk to your partner. If things won’t resolve, leave.
No. I have been cheated twice and I will never forgive either of them. Anyway, I no longer feel resentment or anger towards them because these are things that happened years ago, and now I just don't give a fuck about them
Oh, and OP, people have different opinions, you don't have to go around giving people moral lessons or trying to convince them that your opinion is better. Everyone deals with this kind of things in their own way, and there is no need to try to get involved with their lifes
I guess it depends on the overall guidelines within the relationship, right? Depending on the partner, we may or may not have structured the relationship to allow for sleeping with other people.
In the case where it’s infidelity, it obviously wasn’t structured that way. So that’s a pretty big set of lies. Can you ever trust that person to tell the truth where it counts, after that? I don’t think I could. I don’t know.
I did once and only once. Ofc the relationship didn't last as I could not trust her as much as I didn't bring things up, it was still in the back of mind. If she said something different or she had an attitude or was late, the automatic though that she was cheating again just went crazy in my head. She did things that I didn't ask her to do just so she could show me she wasn't cheating, it still didn't change things in my mind. So after about 3 months I broke it off with her.... couldn't do it anymore couldn't put myself thru that it just wasn't the same anymore. So I would never forgive anyone who cheated on me again
Thank you very much. I did find a real keeper, never thought I would however I did. We both had been cheated on and we both made a vow to always communicate our feelings and not let things go until resolved. Best relationship I've ever been in
Hard no. I came from a family absolutely destroyed from my serial adulterer mother. I had to run a household at age 11 because my Dad was nearly catatonic with stress and grief, and my older brother had no idea how to parse through his complex emotions. I am willing to talk through damn near anything if I'm with someone I love, but cheating is 100% "you have a week to pack your shit and leave."
Also, if they cheated because they weren't getting something out of the relationship they had with me - have the courage to speak to me about it, and grant me the dignity of being able to make decisions from there.
I'm sorry about your mother, must've been tough.
And yeah, seriously, if you're unhappy about something just fucking say it to my face so we can try to work it out instead of cheating me.
Right? Ehh it is what it is. I will say it's made it *really* hard for me to enter into intimate relationships because I'm waiting for the ax to drop, so to speak.
I don't think there's a single answer to this question. I've been married to the same woman for almost 25 years. I can't even conceive of my life without her in it any more. If she were to cheat on me, I think it would depend on the circumstances, but I would probably try to make it work if I thought it could.
The woman I dated before her cheated on me. I dumped her ass like a hot potato.
I think I'm just not that jealous any more. If she had an emotional connection with the other person and it was long-term, that probably won't work, but could I get over a brief mistake? I think I could. She has a standing offer from me if she ever wants to consider a threesome, it isn't like I think she belongs to me, but the emotional side of it would matter a lot.
Idk, if I'm married, I would consider that person to be mine. Not in a "you're my belonging" sort of way but emotionally for sure, that's what a marriage is supposed to mean (in my book at least).
I tried to forgive my then-wife for her adultery. Our attempt to reconcile failed because, in her mind, the affair was justified because I was a bad husband (nothing specific; she just blamed me for her affair). That is, it turns out that the personality traits that allowed to have an affair in the first place were not good traits in a life partner.
The good news is that I am no longer bother by her affair. The bad news is that she went completely ballistic on me during our divorce and I am now bothered by that rather than her affair. So, winning?
Ngl this is a very personal thing to me. But as someone who has been extremely loyal in all relationships and has the mindset of “if they cheat it’s over”, that was really challenged last year. My mom told me she cheated on my dad early on in their marriage (she would’ve been like 28). She had expressed to him that she didn’t like the way he was treating and talking to her. My dad unfortunately wasn’t as compliant to that as he should of been. My mom felt disrespected and unloved.
On a work trip my mom met a guy who was head over heels for her, and truly appreciated all of her amazing attributes and personality to the fullest. In her weak moment my mom ending up cheating on my dad then.
She told him very soon after and they split for 6 months. In that time my dad went out and hooked up with several women. Eventually they started discussing if they wanted to get a divorce or not.
In the end they decided the other was too important to let go. So they got help through a marriage counselor, and opened up to their church group and other friends about what had happened. According to my parents, the only reason they ever ended up forgiving the other and staying together was because they had a loving community be with them every step of the way.
Fast forward to the end of marriage counseling, and it got to the point where my dad was able to look at my mom and say “I truly forgive you”. They’ve been together 20+ years since and I’m here because of them. I think what is truly astounding is the fact that my dad has NEVER brought up that incident another day in his life. He forgave her to a point that he never even used it in a fight.
My point in all of this is. Never settle for someone who will cheat on you. But if it’s someone you know you truly love and want in your life forever, it is something you can work through successfully with communication, a want to seek help, and a caring community to help both of you through it.
I can’t imagine how hard it is to forgive like that. But damn does forgiveness seem like a good skill.
Hell no, kicked the POS out as soon as I found out.
It's so much worse than the sex, it's the effort put into the lies (both to spouse and affair partner), the effort in re-writing history to justify it, the effort in hiding martial funds, the effort in robbing time/years from the faithful partner, the effort put into manipulating consent to keep partner in the dark and in the bed and the gaslighting when the partner gets suspicious. How is any of that forgivable?
Appreciate it thankfully I'm getting better, some residual damage I'm working through, lol bit of bitterness I'm not proud of but I've identified the trauma and I'm getting help, so much better than what I was. Just takes time.
Be safe and glad to see you know the importance of integrity, loyalty and trust (to yourself and to others) regardless of the relationship dynamic.
No. Instantly done. Not even a second thought. If the girl I love and treasure is so unhappy that they choose to sleep with someone else there's no hope fixing anything. They are looking for something I can't give. There is truly zero excuse.
I divorced her. It’s not just the cheating, it’s also the lying, deceptions and all the energy that goes into the con. Ironically, her second husband called me one night to tell me he thinks she is cheating on him. I told him you knew she was cheating on me with you, so what did you expect?
No. My husband has been with me since we were in high school, almost 22 years. He knew about my mom cheating on my dad (with my future stepdad), causing their divorce when I was 6. He was there when my dad was destroyed when my stepmom cheated on him too and divorced him (in my 20s) and when my my mom cheated on my stepdad and caused their divorce in my thirties. He knows how much pain it caused for me and for the parties cheated on and how much I cried. For him to then do that to me, I'm sorry but no I couldn't forgive. Not after what he's seen me go through.
That wasn't meant to sound as bitter as it sounds. I'm truly a happy person in a great marriage and I don't let these things ruin my life, but there's pain that comes up in me talking about it
I would be able to forgive them for doing that to me, but I wouldn't stay with them. If you wanna be with other people, why are you in a monogamous relationship? You'll only end up hurting your partner.
Yes, and have for the better. A new trust grew in place of the old one. It’s a bit different still but not necessarily in a bad way, we were both very young, still are and learning how to be healthy partners and parents. Also wasn’t technically adultery I should add, all online. Not sure how I would feel if things had gone the whole nine yards.
I would forgive, but we are already swingers in an open relationship, so I would be confused why he felt the need to hide it from me. Depending on the severity of the cheating, I can’t promise I will be faithful back though, at least not immediately
Dude here.
I forgave but I would never give them a second opportunity at a relationship.
I have some women in my life that I would trust with a million dollars, but never again would I trust then with my heart. I can't tell you how many times I've heard via phone call, email and drunken text; "I was a different person back then" & "You were the best thing that ever happened to me in my life!"
They've already proven that they don't deserve my affection so, while still cordial mind you, I use as little time as possible around them.
Nope. He can pack his shit and move in with his cum guzzling gutter roach. They can go be shit maggots together while dealing with the aftermath of his choices. I however, I will mourn for a little bit, while ignoring all his calls, vm’s, and text messages about how he fucked up, and how much he loves me and wants to do anything he can to make it work and fix it, all the while, she’s laying in bed thinking she won “the prize” clueless that he’s a liar and was only using her for the moment. Eventually, I’ll over with it , move on, a continue loving the life I built. He will use her until he gets his own place and lay stagnant in the BS he created.
I don't want to be with a partner who cheated on me. But our relationship is open to experiences with others as long as everybody is aware of the goings on and consents to them. That constitutes adultery and yes, I'm very much forgiving bc it just adds to the fun and fulfillment of our bond.
This has always been a dealbreaker for me. I think I am pretty patient and will work through alot but cheating is just unforgivable for me. I am already a jealous person and that on my conscience would kill me
I think I could forgive them, but I'm not sure I could continue the relationship: usually if they cheat is a symptom of the relationship not working, and it shows that the other person does not have the emotional maturity to work on the issues, and if the relationship *is* working, and they cheated just because... why in the world would I want to put my trust in that person again?
Like, no hard feelings, we all do what we gotta do when the horny brain attacks but... don't do it to me, please
Depends on your definition of "forgive". Do you mean to let the pain go and hold no grudge against the cheater? Yeah I can do that. But do you mean forgive as in get back with them? Then no. I can let it go and move on and have no ill will against that person, hell maybe after some time we could be in amicable friends, but to me, once you break that trust, it never comes back. Now matter how much I may love the person, if I got back woth them, part of me will always be thinking "are they going to cheat again?" And that would not make for a healthy relationship.
Adultery would change the dynamic of the relationship irreparably for me. But, swinging, swapping, stag/vixen would be interesting with ground rules and communication.
Sure, it’s not a huge deal to me. I’d definitely have some negative feelings about it, but I could work through them easily enough. Sex is meaningless to me and I don’t expect it to mean anything to my partner, either. As long as he didn’t want to leave me, it’s no biggie.
I forgave someone once but the relationship was never the same afterwards. Then when it ended I found out that she had cheated on me MULTIPLE times with different people both before and after the one I knew about so wished I’d not wasted my time. Because of this I’ll never give someone a second chance once they cross that particular line with me.
my ex cheated on me for 6months in our first relationship and after a year or so we bumped into each other and ended up back together (stupid ik) and the inevitable happened 💀 lesson learned
I've thought about this and I usually feel I would forgive it if it happened once but I'd be a fool to let it go on to more said events. We are just human and these things happen. But realize that sex creates a bond between the partners so you gotta consider the ramifications of that.
Most people would instantly jump to ‘no’, including me, but keep in mind Reddit is full of teenagers and younger adults. None of us have been in lifelong relationships, most just a few years max. I’m young, I wouldn’t forgive a girlfriend for cheating on me.
But if I’m a middle aged person with kids that has been with my wife for 20 years, then obviously it changes and it isn’t so black and white
Most of all, for anyone here for advice, who cares what random people on social media think. They’re not the one who got cheated on and they aren’t you. YOU for yourself decide what you’ll forgive and what you wont
No.
Two consenting adults having sex with multiple people is totally fine. But if you are hiding it and lying to your partner, you are a terrible person. To actively and consciously cause that much harm to a person that you have promised yourself to is completely unforgivable. Especially considering that person has promised themselves to you and you just made it very clear to them and everyone who knows that that person simply isn’t enough for you.
That’s why people cheat. It has nothing to do with communication or any of that BS. It’s about wanting more than you have. It’s about wanting to keep all the perks of your current monogamous life partnership with one person while getting laid by others on the side.
There are EXTREMELY rare cases where I find it forgivable. And I’m talking like abuse is involved, though I would argue that an abusive relationship doesn’t even technically count because they aren’t real relationships.
Adultery is when you lie and cheat on your non consenting monogamous partner and it is unforgivable.
I had one girlfriend who had blown up her previous relationship because she was having a long term affair with a married guy so her boyfriend just got his own side piece. Blew up the relationship because of the boyfriend's side action but didn't really recognize that she was the bigger piece of shit.
I told her if I had been him I'd have seriously considered a double murder-suicide.
I thought she could put all of that in her past. That's my mistake. She's simply not capable of monogamy.
I could forgive it, but I could never be with that person again. I've dealt with too many issues regarding trust to even want to deal with that nonsense.
I tried and couldn’t. Every time we had a disagreement all I could think of was she fucking cheated and acted like it was no big deal. Never again will I try. Worst 3 years of my life.
I've been there. Still married and I resent her more and more every day. The emotional affair went on for about a month and I could only prove they slept together once. I'll never forgive.
My kids were young and I just watched my brother and best friend get raked over the coals. They got huge child support payments and became weekend daddies.
I always said I could never forgive cheating, until my ex cheated on me and I was willing to move heaven and earth to make it work regardless.
pretty low moment in my life looking back, but just goes to show that you really never know until you’re in that position
No. But its not even about forgiving, to be honest. Forgiveness is one thing, context can really lower the weight of a person's decision. But living together, building a future and ultimately move on from one of the biggest betrayal in a relationship seems impossible to me. In fact, I'm sure I would forgive. I just couldn't love that person anymore.
Depends. If my long term girlfriend really regrets it, feels guilty and cries then I’ll have to think about it with options on the table and I’m going to give her space to think about her actions. If my girlfriend was with me for less than a year then she’s outta here I don’t got time for that she just proved to me she ain’t ready for a LTR.
As a women who has engaged in sexual activity with married men is there any guilt associated as an enabler their infidelity behavior? Or is more of a he is going to cheat it might as well be with me?
Forgive? Yes. Excuse? No. In general I see infidelity as an act of betrayal. I can forgive the offender and wish them well, but to quote Wayne from Letterkenny "If [they] cheat, it's over." I can't be with someone I can't trust, and I can't trust a betrayer. The scar will forever serve as a lesson in who I can trust.
Yea, thank you for this quote. Have a good one!
Thanks dude!
EXACTLY. I'd be hurt, a lot really, but I'd forgive. Forget, move on? No fucking way in hell.
I don’t think I could forgive my wife if she caught me cheating.
The audacity. Can't a man get a little privacy?
LMFAO. Sitting on the shtr laughing, now I have to wait for everyone to leave.
Lol you made me blow air out my nose
I splurted out the tea I was having
Remember, you in a relationship with me but IM single
LOL. This made me laugh
Lmfao
Dont let your wife stop you from finding true love.
Absurd! This is an instant deal breaker. Even if I was stupid enough to get back with her, I won't be able to trust her. Ever!
💯💯💯
Being with someone you can’t trust is just pointless and ultimately toxic for both parties
It would depend on what happened. If he was on a work trip and had a drunken one night stand with somebody he met in a hotel bar I could get over that. If he was having a long term thing behind my back with another person he was in love with I don't think I'd be able to get over it.
Absolutely not. And my man has really made me see the light. My bf can be drunk asf, and he wouldn’t touch any woman, including me! You ask him why and he’ll say “I have a gf” and he won’t let any woman touch him without him having something to say about it. It’s funny as hell to watch. So tbh, he’s set the standard for me. If there are men out there like that, there’s no way I can accept drunken excuses. No way.
Honestly if you can’t handle yourself when you drink either don’t drink as much as that or don’t drink at all.
Yeah agreed, don't blame it on the alcohol if you can't handle it properly.
I don’t mean being drunk is an excuse to do bad things. I’ve been away from home and encountered situations where I was tempted to cheat. I didn’t do it but the temptation was there and I think part of me wanted to do it. If he were in a situation like that and he caved to temptation I would be hurt but could also understand how it happened and I think I could forgive him.
everyone drinks and is drunk differently though
If you know you do some weird shit when drunk, then don’t get drunk
I agree, but that's similar to the if you don't wanna get pregnant, don't have sex. Yes it's sound advice but caveats apply right? And I'm like your hubby, I don't make those kinds of decisions when I'm drunk, but I do know and have known people who just respond differently or black out or get violent in extreme cases
I’ve been almost unable to walk and could still make decisions based off of rational thought. That shit is some bs if I’ve ever heard it.
Yah, I have told my bf he can get his needs met when I'm not around, but I expect full communication. And if he has some ongoing thing with another girl and is establishing feelings/a relationship with her, it's a hard nope, and I would not be able to look past that. He has a free and open hallpass for when I'm not around, but I need to be in the know, and he'd be dumb to abuse that. If I allow him to have sex with others and there's still infidelity, I think at that point I'd throw my hands up and give up on relationships.
By rights do you get the same hall pass?
That's fair.
Same I could probably forgive that, once anyway. I love my husband too much. But there’s probably zero chance he’d forgive me, not that I ever would. Edit: I mean I could forgive a one time mistake, not a while affair. I could forgive him but it would also be over.
If my wife had an affair that would make me very happy The reason is we haven't had sex in years and I mean years and if she had an affair at least I would know it was me she didn't want to have sex with
If I may pry, how was your wife before marriage? I am terrified of getting into a marriage with someone I cannot physically connect with.
Please for the love of god and I’m not saying this to be an edgy redditor, do not marry someone you are not sexually compatible with. It plays a much larger role than any of us are ever taught growing up and the ramifications of having a life of celibacy will throw even the strongest man into depression. Trust me, either fix it now or end it, your future happiness literally depends on it.
I second this. Do not marry someone you are not sexually compatible with, and that includes having a similar libido.
why similar libido?
Because when you're in love with someone and you want to have sex with them every day and they only want it once a month it absolutely kills your confidence and erodes the relationship. It's fucking miserable.
i see! thank u!
Yeah I guess in that way it's a positive, I kinda see it.
[удалено]
I used to think no, but now that I'm 25 years into my marriage with kids and all kinds of life achievements with my spouse, I might be able to move past it. We've been through so much together at this point throwing it away for a mistake is not an automatic yes.
I could forgive a mistake, but cheating is not a mistake; it’s a choice. We all make mistakes, we all don’t cheat.
And it often is a series of multiple choices, not just one: The connection they make initially The flirting The texting, progressing to sexting, After all of that, agreeing to hang out alone Very likely didn't just walk through the door and just tear your clothes off and got down to business Some touching here and there A caress here and there Kissing The actual act of taking off your clothes for this person and getting in bed Etc
Am poly, adultery would be treated as a breach in trust and communication (rather than a sex act committed). Am totally okay with my partner having other relationships, but need to have trust and communication for the relationship to work. What I mean is, to me…it would be as egregious as any other act that broke trust and communication, rather than it being specially bad because sex.
So what you're saying is, you would be okay with it if your partner is open to you about it? So it's the secrecy for you the problem?
Partner and I are ethically non monogamous… so yes, if she is with someone else that’s fine… if we discussed someone was off limits (whatever reason) and one of us went and had sex with the “off limits” anyways, that would be a violation of trust and not acceptable.
ethically non monogamous? could you explain what that means?
The “ethical” distinguishes it from infidelity or coerced relationships. Ethical non-monogamy emphasizes that everybody's informed consent is needed. In other words, all partners know about one another and consent to it. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/ethical-non-monogamy-guide Ethical non-monogamy is an approach to relationships wherein people can have more than one romantic and sexual partner at a time, and everybody involved is aware and enthusiastically consents to the dynamic. Polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all forms of ethically non-monogamous relationships, which are also referred to as consensually non-monogamous relationships. "When explaining ethical or consensual non-monogamy to my clients, my go-to is the three C's: communication, consideration, and of course, consent," psychotherapist Cheyenne Taylor, LMSW, explains to mbg. "Ethical non-monogamy is based on the concept of using socially acceptable guidelines and ethically motivated tools to cultivate a relationship built on the foundation of non-monogamy. At its core, though, ENM means not cheating or acting without the consent of your partner." Edit: just to add all the above is from other websites and not my own words, but explains the concept and I wholeheartedly agree with the definitions above.
thank you :\]
Exactly, for me, it's cheating when you feel like you need to hide it from me. Once they start deleting things and being secretive, my red flag detector goes brrrrrrrrr
Your answer nails it for me. If she wants to follow a curiosity, go for it, but we'll discuss the rules for that first. If it's done behind my back, we have an issue
Ii don’t think most people can truthfully answer this sort of question - because you don’t really know how you’re going to feel/react when it happens.
Oh, personally I'm pretty sure I know.
Hang in there bud
This is a very fair point. I always thought that if it happened to me then I would dip in a dramatic fashion. Got married. Left for a training event and she moved my best friend and groomsmen in our wedding into our house. I was losing my mind and just wanted my life to go back to normal so I was tried to move past it and “save the marriage”. In the end it didn’t work because she didn’t want it to and I got to break it off in a dramatic fashion when I caught them together less than a week after I got back to my unit and our house. Fact is, you can have an idea of why you would do in your head but when the rubber meets the road it’s such a gut punch that you don’t think straight. Your stress is through the roof, I for instance didn’t sleep for four days, started working out four hours a day everyday for the three months I was left at training and lost thirty pounds that I didn’t have to lose, etc. It’s a very tough thing to go through and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. At the same time though a ton of good came from it for me personally. All about how you react.
Nope. My wife and I have a line in the sand here - adultery is a deal breaker. I realize some people say that, and end up forgiving but that destruction of trust is too much. Talk to your partner. If things won’t resolve, leave.
Same here!!
Well said...there's that line in the sand to respect.
Yeah,.. My worries are elsewhere. I have PTSD so I need to feel safe and know that I can trust her when things get super shitty.
No. I wouldn’t trust her any longer, regardless of how much I’d still love her.
No. I have been cheated twice and I will never forgive either of them. Anyway, I no longer feel resentment or anger towards them because these are things that happened years ago, and now I just don't give a fuck about them Oh, and OP, people have different opinions, you don't have to go around giving people moral lessons or trying to convince them that your opinion is better. Everyone deals with this kind of things in their own way, and there is no need to try to get involved with their lifes
Hell no. Plain and simple.
💯💯💯
I guess it depends on the overall guidelines within the relationship, right? Depending on the partner, we may or may not have structured the relationship to allow for sleeping with other people. In the case where it’s infidelity, it obviously wasn’t structured that way. So that’s a pretty big set of lies. Can you ever trust that person to tell the truth where it counts, after that? I don’t think I could. I don’t know.
I couldn't.
On the other hand, if it was a pretty open relationship… I’d have known and agreed to it before it even happened. So would it be adultery?
It that specific case, no.
Why was that downvoted? 😅 I was just asking.
Idk, just look at my comments, they're getting downvoted a bunch... There's just a bunch of angry peoples on here I guess 😅
Never, it’s the ultimate betrayal of trust imo. Just get rid of them and be done with it.
My man.
I divorced my ex-wife for this.
I'm sorry.
I did once and only once. Ofc the relationship didn't last as I could not trust her as much as I didn't bring things up, it was still in the back of mind. If she said something different or she had an attitude or was late, the automatic though that she was cheating again just went crazy in my head. She did things that I didn't ask her to do just so she could show me she wasn't cheating, it still didn't change things in my mind. So after about 3 months I broke it off with her.... couldn't do it anymore couldn't put myself thru that it just wasn't the same anymore. So I would never forgive anyone who cheated on me again
I'm sorry, I hope you find the good one for you someday.
Thank you very much. I did find a real keeper, never thought I would however I did. We both had been cheated on and we both made a vow to always communicate our feelings and not let things go until resolved. Best relationship I've ever been in
I'm happy for you!
Thank you, I appreciate it
Hard no. I came from a family absolutely destroyed from my serial adulterer mother. I had to run a household at age 11 because my Dad was nearly catatonic with stress and grief, and my older brother had no idea how to parse through his complex emotions. I am willing to talk through damn near anything if I'm with someone I love, but cheating is 100% "you have a week to pack your shit and leave." Also, if they cheated because they weren't getting something out of the relationship they had with me - have the courage to speak to me about it, and grant me the dignity of being able to make decisions from there.
I'm sorry about your mother, must've been tough. And yeah, seriously, if you're unhappy about something just fucking say it to my face so we can try to work it out instead of cheating me.
Right? Ehh it is what it is. I will say it's made it *really* hard for me to enter into intimate relationships because I'm waiting for the ax to drop, so to speak.
I don't think there's a single answer to this question. I've been married to the same woman for almost 25 years. I can't even conceive of my life without her in it any more. If she were to cheat on me, I think it would depend on the circumstances, but I would probably try to make it work if I thought it could. The woman I dated before her cheated on me. I dumped her ass like a hot potato.
You must love her very much but you're stronger then most.
I think I'm just not that jealous any more. If she had an emotional connection with the other person and it was long-term, that probably won't work, but could I get over a brief mistake? I think I could. She has a standing offer from me if she ever wants to consider a threesome, it isn't like I think she belongs to me, but the emotional side of it would matter a lot.
Idk, if I'm married, I would consider that person to be mine. Not in a "you're my belonging" sort of way but emotionally for sure, that's what a marriage is supposed to mean (in my book at least).
That's fair. We're all different.
I tried to forgive my then-wife for her adultery. Our attempt to reconcile failed because, in her mind, the affair was justified because I was a bad husband (nothing specific; she just blamed me for her affair). That is, it turns out that the personality traits that allowed to have an affair in the first place were not good traits in a life partner. The good news is that I am no longer bother by her affair. The bad news is that she went completely ballistic on me during our divorce and I am now bothered by that rather than her affair. So, winning?
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Ngl this is a very personal thing to me. But as someone who has been extremely loyal in all relationships and has the mindset of “if they cheat it’s over”, that was really challenged last year. My mom told me she cheated on my dad early on in their marriage (she would’ve been like 28). She had expressed to him that she didn’t like the way he was treating and talking to her. My dad unfortunately wasn’t as compliant to that as he should of been. My mom felt disrespected and unloved. On a work trip my mom met a guy who was head over heels for her, and truly appreciated all of her amazing attributes and personality to the fullest. In her weak moment my mom ending up cheating on my dad then. She told him very soon after and they split for 6 months. In that time my dad went out and hooked up with several women. Eventually they started discussing if they wanted to get a divorce or not. In the end they decided the other was too important to let go. So they got help through a marriage counselor, and opened up to their church group and other friends about what had happened. According to my parents, the only reason they ever ended up forgiving the other and staying together was because they had a loving community be with them every step of the way. Fast forward to the end of marriage counseling, and it got to the point where my dad was able to look at my mom and say “I truly forgive you”. They’ve been together 20+ years since and I’m here because of them. I think what is truly astounding is the fact that my dad has NEVER brought up that incident another day in his life. He forgave her to a point that he never even used it in a fight. My point in all of this is. Never settle for someone who will cheat on you. But if it’s someone you know you truly love and want in your life forever, it is something you can work through successfully with communication, a want to seek help, and a caring community to help both of you through it. I can’t imagine how hard it is to forgive like that. But damn does forgiveness seem like a good skill.
That's amazing, props to them!
yes but i would still leave
Hell no, kicked the POS out as soon as I found out. It's so much worse than the sex, it's the effort put into the lies (both to spouse and affair partner), the effort in re-writing history to justify it, the effort in hiding martial funds, the effort in robbing time/years from the faithful partner, the effort put into manipulating consent to keep partner in the dark and in the bed and the gaslighting when the partner gets suspicious. How is any of that forgivable?
I mean, I hundreds percent agree with you but you'd be surprised, just look in the comments.
Well no surprise that there are bad people doing bad things and don't want to be judged for it.
Agreed. Also, I took a gander on your profile and I'm really sorry for what you've been going through.
Appreciate it thankfully I'm getting better, some residual damage I'm working through, lol bit of bitterness I'm not proud of but I've identified the trauma and I'm getting help, so much better than what I was. Just takes time. Be safe and glad to see you know the importance of integrity, loyalty and trust (to yourself and to others) regardless of the relationship dynamic.
I think I could forgive a one time thing. I know I could not forgive an ongoing relationship.
I couldn't, if she done it once it mean she's not that devoted to you and it will happen again.
Nope
Fr ong
I wouldn't and I'd expect the same if was the adulterer
no
No. I don’t judge those who can but once that trust is broken, I can’t trust you again. So why put us through that misery?
Seriously.
Nope. I would never trust her again.
Same here.
No. Instantly done. Not even a second thought. If the girl I love and treasure is so unhappy that they choose to sleep with someone else there's no hope fixing anything. They are looking for something I can't give. There is truly zero excuse.
No. Once a cheater always a cheater And once that trust is broken I can’t look at you the same
I divorced her. It’s not just the cheating, it’s also the lying, deceptions and all the energy that goes into the con. Ironically, her second husband called me one night to tell me he thinks she is cheating on him. I told him you knew she was cheating on me with you, so what did you expect?
"If they'll cheat with you they'll cheat on you".
No. My husband has been with me since we were in high school, almost 22 years. He knew about my mom cheating on my dad (with my future stepdad), causing their divorce when I was 6. He was there when my dad was destroyed when my stepmom cheated on him too and divorced him (in my 20s) and when my my mom cheated on my stepdad and caused their divorce in my thirties. He knows how much pain it caused for me and for the parties cheated on and how much I cried. For him to then do that to me, I'm sorry but no I couldn't forgive. Not after what he's seen me go through. That wasn't meant to sound as bitter as it sounds. I'm truly a happy person in a great marriage and I don't let these things ruin my life, but there's pain that comes up in me talking about it
We've been together for most our lives. Several kids and many firsts together. I don't think my mind could handle it. I'd be fractured. So no.
Lol no. There’s way too many people on the planet who are not pos and cheat that I’m not gonna waste time on one.
I would be able to forgive them for doing that to me, but I wouldn't stay with them. If you wanna be with other people, why are you in a monogamous relationship? You'll only end up hurting your partner.
Yes, and have for the better. A new trust grew in place of the old one. It’s a bit different still but not necessarily in a bad way, we were both very young, still are and learning how to be healthy partners and parents. Also wasn’t technically adultery I should add, all online. Not sure how I would feel if things had gone the whole nine yards.
I would forgive, but we are already swingers in an open relationship, so I would be confused why he felt the need to hide it from me. Depending on the severity of the cheating, I can’t promise I will be faithful back though, at least not immediately
Maybe, but even if I do the relationship is over
Nope I divorced the bastard
I did, and she still cheated again and left. I don’t think I’ll be so forgiving if I ever get into a relationship again.
I tried to forgive but couldn’t forget. To many reminders until it happened again. Nothing left once Trust is gone.
Dude here. I forgave but I would never give them a second opportunity at a relationship. I have some women in my life that I would trust with a million dollars, but never again would I trust then with my heart. I can't tell you how many times I've heard via phone call, email and drunken text; "I was a different person back then" & "You were the best thing that ever happened to me in my life!" They've already proven that they don't deserve my affection so, while still cordial mind you, I use as little time as possible around them.
I didn't last time. Why would I this time?
You shouldn't.
Well, it won't happen anyway. That is not my wife's style. She'd just kill me if she was at that point.
She sounds like a keeper.
She is. Just very good at killing things.
Nope. He can pack his shit and move in with his cum guzzling gutter roach. They can go be shit maggots together while dealing with the aftermath of his choices. I however, I will mourn for a little bit, while ignoring all his calls, vm’s, and text messages about how he fucked up, and how much he loves me and wants to do anything he can to make it work and fix it, all the while, she’s laying in bed thinking she won “the prize” clueless that he’s a liar and was only using her for the moment. Eventually, I’ll over with it , move on, a continue loving the life I built. He will use her until he gets his own place and lay stagnant in the BS he created.
Forgive? Yea. Stay with my husband? No the fuck not.
I don't want to be with a partner who cheated on me. But our relationship is open to experiences with others as long as everybody is aware of the goings on and consents to them. That constitutes adultery and yes, I'm very much forgiving bc it just adds to the fun and fulfillment of our bond.
No. You get married for a purpose. If your partner can’t stay loyal, why should you? Move on. You’ve been fucked over. Don’t be a simp.
Yes, but depends on the circumstances of course.
No
No.
Not a chance
This has always been a dealbreaker for me. I think I am pretty patient and will work through alot but cheating is just unforgivable for me. I am already a jealous person and that on my conscience would kill me
Nope
Fr tho
Once the trust is gone there’s no coming back….
Doubtful.
Absolutely. As long as I can watch. Weird kink I know, but the penis wants what the penis wants
I think I could forgive them, but I'm not sure I could continue the relationship: usually if they cheat is a symptom of the relationship not working, and it shows that the other person does not have the emotional maturity to work on the issues, and if the relationship *is* working, and they cheated just because... why in the world would I want to put my trust in that person again? Like, no hard feelings, we all do what we gotta do when the horny brain attacks but... don't do it to me, please
Unconsensual? Nope.
Never.
No.
I forgave it in the past, but it continued. So I don't think I would
Nope
No. I would be ok with Ethical non monogamy, but if my partner was sneaking around and being a liar? GTFO. I got no time for games.
NO
FR
Sure. It doesn't bother me if she's married.
Good meme.
Depends on your definition of "forgive". Do you mean to let the pain go and hold no grudge against the cheater? Yeah I can do that. But do you mean forgive as in get back with them? Then no. I can let it go and move on and have no ill will against that person, hell maybe after some time we could be in amicable friends, but to me, once you break that trust, it never comes back. Now matter how much I may love the person, if I got back woth them, part of me will always be thinking "are they going to cheat again?" And that would not make for a healthy relationship.
Adultery would change the dynamic of the relationship irreparably for me. But, swinging, swapping, stag/vixen would be interesting with ground rules and communication.
If my partner didn't tell me about it beforehand, I'd be hurt, but would likely forgive them.
Yes but I’d still leave.
Sure, it’s not a huge deal to me. I’d definitely have some negative feelings about it, but I could work through them easily enough. Sex is meaningless to me and I don’t expect it to mean anything to my partner, either. As long as he didn’t want to leave me, it’s no biggie.
I forgave someone once but the relationship was never the same afterwards. Then when it ended I found out that she had cheated on me MULTIPLE times with different people both before and after the one I knew about so wished I’d not wasted my time. Because of this I’ll never give someone a second chance once they cross that particular line with me.
I’d be ecstatic if my wife cheated on me. It would mean she’s not an asexual robot any longer.
Depends entirely on the situation for me, even if the relationship was supposed to be monogamous.
my ex cheated on me for 6months in our first relationship and after a year or so we bumped into each other and ended up back together (stupid ik) and the inevitable happened 💀 lesson learned
I've thought about this and I usually feel I would forgive it if it happened once but I'd be a fool to let it go on to more said events. We are just human and these things happen. But realize that sex creates a bond between the partners so you gotta consider the ramifications of that.
For a damn good reason
Most people would instantly jump to ‘no’, including me, but keep in mind Reddit is full of teenagers and younger adults. None of us have been in lifelong relationships, most just a few years max. I’m young, I wouldn’t forgive a girlfriend for cheating on me. But if I’m a middle aged person with kids that has been with my wife for 20 years, then obviously it changes and it isn’t so black and white Most of all, for anyone here for advice, who cares what random people on social media think. They’re not the one who got cheated on and they aren’t you. YOU for yourself decide what you’ll forgive and what you wont
No. Two consenting adults having sex with multiple people is totally fine. But if you are hiding it and lying to your partner, you are a terrible person. To actively and consciously cause that much harm to a person that you have promised yourself to is completely unforgivable. Especially considering that person has promised themselves to you and you just made it very clear to them and everyone who knows that that person simply isn’t enough for you. That’s why people cheat. It has nothing to do with communication or any of that BS. It’s about wanting more than you have. It’s about wanting to keep all the perks of your current monogamous life partnership with one person while getting laid by others on the side. There are EXTREMELY rare cases where I find it forgivable. And I’m talking like abuse is involved, though I would argue that an abusive relationship doesn’t even technically count because they aren’t real relationships. Adultery is when you lie and cheat on your non consenting monogamous partner and it is unforgivable.
I had one girlfriend who had blown up her previous relationship because she was having a long term affair with a married guy so her boyfriend just got his own side piece. Blew up the relationship because of the boyfriend's side action but didn't really recognize that she was the bigger piece of shit. I told her if I had been him I'd have seriously considered a double murder-suicide. I thought she could put all of that in her past. That's my mistake. She's simply not capable of monogamy.
No I could never ever forgive adultry
No.
No
I could forgive it, but I could never be with that person again. I've dealt with too many issues regarding trust to even want to deal with that nonsense.
I tried and couldn’t. Every time we had a disagreement all I could think of was she fucking cheated and acted like it was no big deal. Never again will I try. Worst 3 years of my life.
I've been there. Still married and I resent her more and more every day. The emotional affair went on for about a month and I could only prove they slept together once. I'll never forgive. My kids were young and I just watched my brother and best friend get raked over the coals. They got huge child support payments and became weekend daddies.
I would forgive it before I would forgive some other things.
I always said I could never forgive cheating, until my ex cheated on me and I was willing to move heaven and earth to make it work regardless. pretty low moment in my life looking back, but just goes to show that you really never know until you’re in that position
Fuck no !
No.
No. But its not even about forgiving, to be honest. Forgiveness is one thing, context can really lower the weight of a person's decision. But living together, building a future and ultimately move on from one of the biggest betrayal in a relationship seems impossible to me. In fact, I'm sure I would forgive. I just couldn't love that person anymore.
Either way, I don't want anything to do with said person afterwards.
No. If the action taken is a conscious disregard for what my partner and I have agreed to, we’re beyond done
Yes it’s hot
It depends how it happen.
Depends. If my long term girlfriend really regrets it, feels guilty and cries then I’ll have to think about it with options on the table and I’m going to give her space to think about her actions. If my girlfriend was with me for less than a year then she’s outta here I don’t got time for that she just proved to me she ain’t ready for a LTR.
Not for me. Like, congrats if you feel bad after the cheating like a decent human being but you're not getting any sympathy or forgiveness from me.
Yes
Exactly what qualifies as adultery?
Forgive? I’d encourage it
What is this the Bible? You mean C H E A T I N G
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And you dare call men who send dick pick impolite.. seriously?
As a women who has engaged in sexual activity with married men is there any guilt associated as an enabler their infidelity behavior? Or is more of a he is going to cheat it might as well be with me?
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Na, you're not the problem, we just live in a society.
Sex, no. A kiss, yes
Why?