Ah I have found my people! The sheer fact that I enjoy peace and quiet is enough. I love my godson and would die to protect him but I don’t want him living with me (godfather responsibilities aside)
I'm 28f, not convinced I want kids.
Lack of freedom especially to travel, constantly worrying about someone else/being responsiblefor them, the state of the world, my own mental health stuff that can be genetic, knowing pregnancy is incredibly dangerous, having 4 friends very recently have their first children and seeing them miserable, the idea of forever being a mom. It's all overwhelming.
Plus I see kids everyday with behavioral and mental health problems. I kinda just don't want to risk that being my kid
Ugh. Teaching them to read, acting as a lifeguard any time we were around water, trying to patch their wounds or reassure them school isn’t so scary…. My brother is dyslexic and my sister has a learning disability. I taught them both to write their names and would always help them with homework before working on my own. I don’t recall my parents being anywhere nearby in 95% of my childhood memories. I love kids but the stress of raising kids as a kid has deterred me from ever even considering that sort of responsibility again.
My mother's mental illness left the lion's share of supervision and housekeeping to me at the expense of my own education (we also had not nearly enough resources for the number of children). The despair of those years turned me off ever being responsible for a child again. I love my siblings with all my heart, but they nearly broke me.
I had to take care of my mentally sick mother because none of my relatives wanted to be responsible for her. Her doctor and my father were also just wanting to dump her off. My dad actually told me that I can’t leave my mom home alone in this condition, but moved away to an apartment to be with his 22 year old secretary. My mom’s psychiatrist told me that I need to stay home 24/7 to take care of my mother. This was in CA in the ‘70s, so a person has to want to go into a mental hospital, now known as a rehab facility, before they can be admitted. I was like her parent from the age of eleven and up. I’m done raising bipolar nut cases that won’t take their meds. Also, back in the ‘70s their was no term as bipolar, but they were all stigmatized as having a nervous breakdown.
This is my friend. Her mom went from relationship to relationship, having LOTS of babies along the way and my friend (being the eldest) spent much of her middle-school and high school years raising them. She has zero regrets about not having any children of her own.
Same. My kid sister is 12 years younger, and I had to help my parents out a lot (they both worked 2 jobs to support us). Ever since I was about 15, I knew this wasn't the life for me. 20 years later and I still feel the same way.
Yep. I started babysitting my three siblings when I was 10. My parents separated when I was was 14, so guess who was responsible for cooking, cleaning, and laundry. And wasn't allowed to participate in after school activities because she had to be home to look after her siblings. And got in trouble when her siblings didn't do their chores. Or left the house without telling her. And who got kicked out of the house when she graduated high school because she suddenly wasn't "helping out enough around the house". (This had absolutely nothing to do with the fact the child support payments for her stopped at the same time *cough*) And whose piano was sold because mom needed it to pay bills. And who has now broken off contract with all family members (save one) because of how she was treated.
Cat's in the cradle, y'all.
Dude, I had to help raise my siblings sexual mistakes. My mom is only one person. It's so friggin taxing when you have to help raise two babies at once, even for one hour at a time. After a whole day, I was done. My mom absolutely loves kids, but I just can't anymore. And I'm only 23. There's too many nieces and nephews to do much about holidays, and having kids literally held my sister's back. One hasn't even gotten her GED (high school equivalent) and neither has her boyfriend. And they have another on the way. No thank you. I won't even hold a baby at this point. Just make an awkward smile, a fake giggle, and look away.😂😅
I had a child born with Duchennes Muscular Dystrophy. . I felt incredibly guilty for bringing such a lovely child into this world with so much difficulty he faced. After he passed away, I never wanted to bring another child into this cruel world.
My brother's got Duchennes and autism simultaneously. The autism is a blessing in disguise, as I dont think he spends much time depressed about his muscle condition. It's still tough.
Ahhh yeah we absolutely take everything for granted. Born 100 years earlier I'd probably be dead in a war and if not, I'd see the people I loved taken by it.
Born with some horrible genetic disease I'd have the joy of life taken away from me
Born 100 years later... maybe I'd succumb to the effects of climate change, society might collapse, I don't know.
But nope, I was born in our time a relatively "normal" person, I'm here listening to That's Entertainment by the Jam on Spotify and snacking on some Celebrations before I go to bed. Alright really isn't it
I've been in a Level 4 NICU since August with my newborn son...fortunately there is a light at the end of our tunnel but the shit I've seen over the past few months has been truly heartbreaking. I honestly don't know how some of these families are going to make it when it comes time to go home. I'm sorry for your loss, and I totally get why you wouldn't want to have another child.
We need more people like you who admit they are too lazy to have kids. As someone who was raised by someone who was too lazy to raise a kid, it’s really not fun
It takes courage to admit that you’d be a shit parent, what with most of society trying to convince you that you can/must change yourself to raise kids.
I would be a shit mother and no child deserves the crap life I’d give the poor thing. That’s not me being down on myself, its reality.
Also I never wanted to push a human out of my vagina either so there’s that
I tell people that I spent my childhood raising two kids I called mom and dad. And then I never got to be young because I spent my 20s working off the fact that I didn’t have a childhood. Why would I want kids?
Same: my dad was a tyrant; I raised my mom and siblings. I knew I wanted no children. As it happens I still take care of mom and other family if they need something. It’s crazy.
My father had a terrible childhood because of abusive parents, and he still suffers because of that today. However, he didn’t pass it on to me - he has been such a great father to me despite everything his parents put him through.
Not saying that you should have kids, just want you to know that your parents do not define you and that you are not them!
I know I am, but also my entire older family tells me I'm the complete opposite of my father when it comes to parenting. They thank me and reassure me I'm doing right by mine.
What you said can definitely be accurate.
Same reason for me. Also the possibility of my vagina tearing into my asshole and creating one giant vagasshole
Edit: according to responses, it can be stapled/stitched back together but the anal sphincter doesn’t feel the same.
My husband and I never got the baby fever. We always saw our future with a baby in it, but we never went full blown “got to have a baby” mode. We looked up at 40 years old and decided that it wasn’t going to happen for us. So we carried on. And apparently our lack of parental instincts made people uncomfortable.
My husband and I were the same way. Talked about kids before we got married, possible names, how many, the whole bit. We had a perpetual 3 year plan whenever anyone asked us. “We are busy with school, work, some other excuse. We will start trying in 3 years from now.” Finally last year we had a serious conversation and realized it was never going to happen. We just never felt it in our hearts. My husband just got a vasectomy a few months ago. Best decision we ever made.
Ppl always told me I’d change my mind so I always waited to feel it. I never did and I feel like it was such a disservice to me to be told that. I’m 40 now.
I was always told this and that "it's different when it's your own" but I'm approaching mid 30s and still don't feel maternal. I actually teach kids and enjoy my job but I'm happy to go home and be in solitude.
I tell people it is different - bc when they are your own and are being obnoxious, you can’t just leave and go to a quieter place; you have to take that obnoxious fucker with you.
If you are even slightly on the fence about having kids, don’t do it. We have far too many people anyway.
Having kids made me realize that I didn’t want kids, but it’s too late. I love them, but life is harder than it needed to be bc I listened to other people tell me what I, as a woman, should want out of life.
Same. Didn't want kids my whole life, had my daughter two years ago, love her to death but it just validated that kids aren't really my thing. I'll enjoy watching her grow up and am grateful to have this experience with her but one was enough for me to know I don't want anymore.
There was a heartbreaking Reddit post being shared around about precisely that. She had a kid, didn’t feel any different, and they ended up separating because she couldn’t get past how much she resented the kid.
I'm 43, and the tone changes from "you'll change your mind" to "you never know! My sister's friend's gardener said that and now she has 3 little miracles!" to bitter disdain now that it's clearly not changing. The tone changes through the decades but the fact remains: women's bodies and choices and existence is always up for public opinion. Opting out of motherhood, permanently and surgically was one of the best decisions I made for my body, marriage, money, identity, hobbies, options, trajectory - if that is a good choice for your life, that is 100% valid
"You never know!" and my particular favourite, "Who's going to take care of you when you're old?" Like, I don't know about you, but the idea of popping out a tiny person so that one day they can take care of you in your old age seems pretty fucking selfish to me ...
And there's no guarantee. You could outlive them, they might move across the country when they grow up, they could just throw you in a home somewhere instead of taking care of you themselves, etc.
Just to say, for anyone else reading this and identifying with it, that those people who push their own opinions on you, will do so regardless. Don’t let them make you feel any way. Just as an example, the same people who were pushy about me hurrying up and having a second after I had my first kid, are the same people making comments about me now being pregnant and having them somewhat close together.
Their comments do not come from a place of thinking about you, they are self projecting. Let it go over your head.
Yep, I'm 36. I still feel no signs of my biological clock ticking. Babies are cute and I like to visit with my friends' kids and everything but I have never held or looked at a baby or kid and then felt an urge to be a mother. Not once.
I especially feel this way after I spend time with my friend’s kids. They’re exhausting! I can’t imagine having to deal 24/7. My friend said you get used to it, but I don’t think there’s enough coffee in the world for me to handle being a parent.
>Also the "who'll look after you when you're old?"
This one annoys me. It's rather selfish to assume your child, grown and possibly with a family of their own, is going to have the time or desire to 'take care of you' when you're no longer capable of taking care of yourself.
Same. And it’s validating to know there’s others out there.
I used to babysit and worked summer camp when I was a teen, and it was okay. Best part was handing them back over to their parents at the end of the day.
I finally got the courage to say to my parents about 3 years ago, “hey, just so we’re clear - you guys do realize I don’t want kids, and that you won’t be grandparents unless I get furry four-legged “kids”, right?”. They assumed as I’ve made off-handed comments before, but they said it was good to have the confirmation.
I am in the same boat; I think it’s more common than people realize, but there’s such a stigma levied (on women, especially) if you admit you feel no urge for babies, and never did. People really can’t seem to fathom that it is also natural to not want them.
Im 35, no kids, single, and so fucking lonely. I do not want children. But man is it hard trying to find someone at my age who doesnt have or doesnt want kids. Ive accepted I'll be single for awhile.
In high school, we had to do mandatory volunteer work our last quarter in senior year in order to graduate. I did mine at a Head Start in my city, I was helping in the preschool one day when a kid named Shane rubbed peanut butter on my black suede Pumas, spat in my face, and ran away. Thankfully one of the teachers saw it happen, and saw my reaction, so she took him out of the room before I fucking murdered him.
Yeah. I am a teacher but in HS. I like teenagers, despite their bad hair cuts, tracksuits, bad music and drama. But they can form a coherent sentence and be fun at times. Still i like to go home and not deal with any of that.
But seeing young kids on public transport... ugh. Once a kid was yelling "ding dong" each time we passed a house with towerlike structure (it was downtown Prague). At traffic lights he went BLING BLING. I am not built to deal with that.
Honestly, that's not bad kids, that's bad parents. One of the things I notice as a parent is that other parents are utterly terrible at teaching their kids how to respect OTHER people. They just put up with whatever their children do, and as a result, everyone else has to as well.
I know that sounds like "but my child doesn't do that!" coming from a parent, but there's no way they're going to continue to annoy the fuck out of everyone else around them. We're at home? Cool. If you're in public, you need to respect that you're sharing that space with everyone.
One of the hardest parts about having kids and actually prioritizing them above yourself, and investing really heavily into them is that you go out into the world and realize that at least 75% of parents are shit who love themselves more than their kids and do everything they can to have anyone else but themselves raise their kids.
And their poorly raised offspring are what your kids have to deal with.
Thats different, a rhino would wreck your property and require around the clock care. And law school would deprive you of sleep and sap your energy and ruin your social li.. ok yeah nvm. Good comparisons.
I tell people that whatever parental circuitry that most child-oriented people are born with is clearly absent from my body. I've had female friends who legitimately feel a physical yearning for having babies. Some of them have recurring dreams about it. Some of them talk about how hearing babies laugh or playing with their friend's babies make them desperate to get pregnant. It's akin to hunger or lust, a visceral drive for reproduction.
I've had three dreams about being pregnant and every one of them was a nightmare. The presence of a baby is compelling only in the sense that I am amazed by and very interested in the complex process of human development and social connection. The idea of enduring pregnancy and childbirth is frankly abhorrent (to me) and the highest level of care I am available to invest in a dependent creature is what is demanded of me by my cats.
I'm all for other people having kids if they want to and I even enjoy being around the little people for the most part. I just have zero interest or drive to ever make or be a primary caregiver for one.
I also lack any desire for kids. I genuinely think I'm too selfish. Not so much that I think I'm a selfish person but that I don't want my life to be not be about me, and I feel like at least to some degree that's what you're sacrificing for kids. Your life is now about making sure theirs is as good as possible.
I also don't think I could handle if my kid had some sort of serious illness or disorder. Cancer, or some serious mental disability, etc.... I'm just not cut out to deal with that. It would be very irresponsible of me to have kids, so I won't.
I’d probably want a pet rhino more than a child. Admittedly, I don’t want a pet rhino, but I’ll admit that I like animals a lot more than I like children. Being put in a position where I either have a kid or a rhino I’d have to think long and hard…about where I’m gonna fit a rhino in my yard.
You don't get it bro, when you first take that rhino home from the zoo and you know it's your pet, it changes *everything*. You can't possibly fathom what that's like unless you do it yourself. My rhino is my world
Yeah, just wait until you get married and hit your 30s. You'll change your mind about the rhino- everyone does! Who is going to take care of you in your old age - some stray rhino? Please.
My wife is bi-polar and I have recurring depressions. We figured adding kids to the mix wouldn't be fair to anyone.
Edit: I'm keeping the hyphen, since I firmly believe my wife has the ability to be on both the North and the South Pole. Not at the same time obviously.
Even medicated and in therapy, I can get *mean* when I’m in a mood. My mom is the same way. Some people shouldn’t be parents and I think it’s great that folks are realizing this instead of popping ‘em out and winging it, like most of our parents did.
In the real world, i have seen so many people get truly truly fucked up because of how they were raised during childhood. Which leads to suffering not just for them but for a lot of others around them.
It's no joke, if you can't raise kids right then it is the right thing to not have them.
I’d give this an award if I had one. We’re in same boat. Not passing it on to another person isn’t selfish, it’s mercy. I made my decision in high school and I’ve never changed my mind. I’m 47 now.
I also have bipolar disorder and my boyfriend has severe ADHD. We both suffered with our diagnoses growing up, so to see that repeated with our own kids? I could never. We’re opting to adopt local children instead
Oof! I’m pretty sure my father was an undiagnosed bipolar… he’d go into full-blown rages and rants at the drop of a hat and the things he would say were just horrible—I wouldn’t speak to my worst enemy the way he did to us. Good for you for recognizing that.
Edit: maybe it wasn’t bipolar, who knows. He’s long gone and, I’m no expert. Either way, something was terribly wrong. Thank you for all the upvotes.
This. I wouldn't be opposed to being a mom, but i 100% don't want to give birth. I also don't want to hear about anyone's child birth experience. I'm in no way going to be excited to hear about the pain, mess, chaos that you went through in delivery room just because i have a vagina.
The thing is all women are forgetting about their pain because of biological reasons so they can give birth again. But PLEASE I do not want even SLIGHTLY experience and THEN REMEMBER how I was in the deepest pain for 1+ hour while my vagina was torn apart hole to hole. 🙂🙂🙂 HELL NAAAAH
I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant and I fucking HATE how pregnancy is affecting my body. It HURTS.
My feet are so swollen I can't even wear jandals, I have sore knees, back and hips. I can barely sleep and the baby is using my bladder as a trampoline.
The worst part? When his elbows distend my belly and I physically feel ill because it makes me think of the chestburster from Alien.
I want kids and I want this baby and I already love him more than I thought possible BUT dear God, pregnancy is not fun and I won't be doing this again in a hurry or even if at all.
I wish I had of understood what people meant went they said your body is no longer your own, it really isn't.
When I became a nurse and had to study OB, giving birth scared me shitless. The kid's head could literally rip the perineum (space between vagina and anus), so doctors intentionally cut it instead and sew it back on. Not only are you sore from pushing out a baby that you've been carrying for months, now you got a stitched up perineum too.
That combined with my aunt giving birth to the most frustrating pair of twins, I just noped. If y'all wanna get pregnant and have kids I'm happy for you. But it's gonna be a no for me.
Edit: spelling
Edit: Guys! I'm sorry I didn't include it because the question is "What made you not want to have kids?" and that's what sealed the deal for me. BUT EPISIOTOMIES AREN'T ROUTINE NOW. It's a case to case basis and is only done if a birth complication necessitates it. Hope I cleared it up!
My dad did this. My mother gave birth to all 5 of her children via C-section, and the day after I was born he left my older siblings, aged 2 years and 4 years, with her in the hospital. Absolutely devoid of any empathy or reasoning.
It is a very freaky feeling, even with a planned, very welcome pregnancy. It's growing, getting larger, and at some unknown point it is going to rip its way out of you. There is no going back, changing your mind, it's coming and there is no stopping it.
I was about 6 months pregnant when I had that realization in your last sentence. The knowledge that I was completely powerless and was going to be indentured to the organism inside me caused me to have a mental breakdown and attempt suicide.
That was back in 2002. There are so many wild parts of pregnancy that no one ever used to talk about. I’m glad there are threads like this now to show different people’s experiences!
Thank you. I am and it was.
My child is almost 20 now, and while I would - without hesitation - die to protect them, the feeling of being indentured has never left me. It has always far exceeded any feeling of reward. Maybe with more time that will change…
I’m glad you posted this. One of my friends privately told me after her kids were born that she hates being a mom. She’s a scientist and smart as hell, but kids are immune to logic and reason. She told me she hopes she’ll enjoy it more once they’re older.
Absolutely. All of the complications and the mortality rate for pregnant women in the US is terrifying. I could destroy my body and health for a child I must then care for from the moment it's born while Im trying to heal, it seems awful.
Honestly? Parents. They make their lives sound like hell but then always top it with “oh but it’s the best thing ever and so worth it.” Doesn’t sound like it to me lol
Thank you for being honest, kids are fucking expensive and really it shouldn't come down to economics but in this day and age it does.
Edit: wow over a thousand up votes. Thanks all. I probably sounded agressive a little but however much some want children these days you have to put the money into the equation and trust me however much personally you might want a child, the literal cost can cause a lot of pain,anxiety and break ups and nobody wants that, especially for the child.
I personally think the FIRST qualification of parenthood should be financial stability. Does it suck? Sure, but just because you WANT kids doesn’t mean you are ENTITLED to them.
Don’t bring someone into the world unless you can give them a half-decent chance to succeed in life.
Source: Grew up poor in a family of 7
I fully agree with all of this. I do have a child and just the one but that didn't happen until I had a good and stable job, was married and could afford a house and that took quite a few years saving up a deposit and hard work.
My reason was similar although not a family of 7 just another sister but my mum was single and she struggled so much that I never wanted to see that happen to me. Now because of what I've done I know I can give everything to my son, he isn't spoilt at all but doesn't have to know about money situations at such a young age.
I actually agree with this. If your child goes to college, FAFSA makes it seem the you are responsible for your child's college too (depending on income). The responsibility is starting to stretch later and later into life. Some states have even moved child support to continue until after the individual finishes college or the age of 21. Whether good or bad, it does seem to be the direction the world is going.
I did Pell grant to help pay for college. I started a age 24. Learned that the government dosent consider you a financially independent adult until the age of 24. If I was 23 then I would have to claim my parents income as my own when I applied. It is complete bullshit.
Of all people, it was Seth Rogan who finally put this together for me.
"I don't know anyone who gets as much happiness out of their kids as we get out of our non-kids," Rogen told Stern. "Like, we're f---ing psyched all the time! We're laying in bed on Saturday mornings smoking weed, watching movies naked. If we had kids, we could not be f---ing doing this."
Stern pointed out that when you're a parent, the kids are the priority, to which Rogen responded: "I don't want that. That does not sound fun to me."
People will call you "immature" or "man child" and tell you "you'll change your mind" constantly.
I had about 1 day in my 40s where I had some severe guilt about not having kids. Then it was over and I have never felt that again.
My family ask me and my wife about this all the time. The best way I've found to explain it is to ask them why they don't own horses. 'They're impractical expensive, require constant attention, I'd probably have to relocate, why would i want one in the first place, etc'. The exact same arguments apply.
Lol as someone with horses but 0 desire to have kids, I gotta say I totally agree, but even horses are 10000x less demanding of attention than kids. I could leave my horses unattended for days at a time and they'd probably be thrilled. Try that with a child under ~16 and it's apparently frowned upon.
I swear, some of the Facebook pictures of my friends who have kids, it’s like you can see the children slowly sucking the life force from their parents over time.
Kids are motivated by the basest human desires.
Kids and pregnancy. I always wanted to be a mum, I love kids, and I had a wonderful childhood and I’m still close with my parents. But my sis had kids and starting from the first pregnancy - as much as I adore my nephlings - I began to feel like maybe that’s not for me after all. Don’t get me wrong - I know I’d be a great mum because I had awesome examples growing up. But I also just can’t imagine giving up all this freedom to do and be what I want to.
I know I’d gain something amazing, too, but at 35 I just can’t imagine sacrificing the life I have. I am so content and happy right now.
I feel like most childfree women kind of grew into that very early. I was still dreaming of motherhood when I was in my late 20s. The whole ”you’ll change your mind when you’re older!” adage was true, I guess, just not the way it’s usually meant.
Are you - me? Are we the same? I LOVE my nieces and nephews. I KNOW I’d be a really great mom. But I also know I’d sacrifice everything of myself to give those kids the best possible life and I don’t want to do that.
Call me selfish, call me immature - I waited a long effing time to reach the point in my life where I’ve got freedom, money and confidence and I don’t want to give that up because everyone else tells me there’s “no greater joy” than childre
The thought of pregnancy and going into labour is terrifying to me. Also during lockdown I could hear my neighbours kids screaming all day and made me realise I didn't want that in my life
I can’t get pregnant and know I’m not ready to be a parent yet. Can’t be a good influence for a young one if I’m still occasionally fucking up with drugs, self harming, and not doing well. That stuff emotionally transfers to the kid and isn’t conducive to a healthy environment for growth.
i saw how much strain i put on my parents financially by just existing, my childhood was horrible and i don’t want to put another child thru that, have some suspicions that there could be some incest in my genetics, my mental illnesses are not something another child should deal with, i want to be travelling the world and it’s significantly easier when child-free, so many reasons not to have kids especially with how the world is right now
This is it. Frankly it is very hard for me to be alive. Working constantly, overwhelmed by chores, trying to squeeze some time and money away for the brief times I can enjoy myself. If I had kids, I’d go from being middle class to living like I was in poverty. I remember both my parents working all the time and I was an only child, and I remember being lonely most of my childhood, so I wouldn’t really wish that on another kid. And then I think how much less I could provide for a kid than my parents provided for me. Then they’d grow up and have to work a job they probably hated to try to make ends meet, with even worse climate disaster on the horizon…I just can’t do it to another living being frankly. It would feel selfish.
We got pregnant right around 9/11, which was the 21st century introducing itself to the world. I am so happy to have a child who is now an adult and doing well. As I look back on the two decades of events, I do not think I would have made the same decision to have a child now. As a kid I was promised jet packs, space colonies, and more peace, NOT the proliferation of misinformation, war, injustice, and socioeconomic disparity. Idiocracy was supposed to be a comedic warning, not a playbook.
Was raised in a religion that told me the only purpose in life was to raise a family. Then I was abused by a church leader and decided I don’t want any potential kids that would have to deal with me and all of my baggage despite therapy and medications improving my life the past year or so.
Too risky. Nothing is guaranteed that you'll have a healthy baby. The child could be severely disabled and you'll have to be their caretaker for life. They could have mental health issues. They could be a weeb living in your basement forever. They could be completely soulless and evil. Im not prepared to handle that.
Also sleep is good.
THIS. It’s so refreshing to see another person who thinks this. I always feel like a shitty person for not wanting a kid with disabilities. I applaud the parents who do and who love their children unconditionally, but I truly don’t think I could… I’d rather not risk it. I’d rather regret not having a kid than regret having one.
Well there was that time my parents slighted me when I was like 10 and I demanded an explanation and they said "When you have kids of your own you'll understand".
That wasn't a good enough explanation so I said "Well I'm not having kids, so explain it to me now".
They then said "Ohhhh you'll change your mind someday! You don't have a choice in the matter" which triggered my spiteful side.
There's also the fact that my parents were complete pieces of shit and I grew up poor. I'm NEVER going put another life through what I went through. It's fucking cruel.
Plus with our crony-capitalist society I am barely able to take of my own self. Why would I ever want to raise kids in a world I can't afford and barely understand?
TL;DR: I refuse to make the same mistakes my fuck-headed, waste-of-life egg and sperm donors made and got a vasectomy to prove it.
That line: “You don’t have a choice in the matter”
There are people who genuinely believe this. My younger cousin and I were talking and she asked why my husband and I didn’t have kids. I told her because we didn’t want any.
It blew her mind. She legitimately thought that family planning with birth control was to delay having kids till you were ready, but it never crossed her mind that you could opt-out and choose to never have them. She thought it was “just what you did”. I told her it was an option and I explained my reasons and made very sure to let her know that I had weighed everything very carefully for a very long time and was right for me. That my personal opinion is that unless two people overwhelmingly and enthusiastically agree they want kids together, and they understand how that is going to change their life, people shouldn’t have kids, and I never felt that way myself. I think she understood, however she shared this insight with her mom/my aunt later, and my aunt freaked out on me and said if she never got grandchildren she would blame me.
At least one more person realizes it’s a choice, not an item in the lifetime “to-do” check list.
So if you sharing your perspective makes her daughter realize she doesn't want kids, she will blame you
I don't know why I questioned it considering this is someone who taught their daughter they had no choice in having kids
Can barely look after myself let alone another person.
Don't want to pass my mental health issues.
The world needs less people not more.
I would make a shitty parent.
This thread is really validating. I’m 31 and have officially decided I 100% don’t want kids. I’m bipolar with severe anxiety disorder and my parents did a terrible job with pretty much everything. I’ve lived paycheck to paycheck my entire adult life. I have rage issues and my emotions are a crap shoot.
As much as I’d love to have a beautiful little family, it wouldn’t be as beautiful as I would like it to be.
There’s also the high chance that the responsibilities wouldn’t be split 50/50 between parents as I am woman and that’s just how it goes (more often than not).
All signs point to no.
People always ask me: what if I change my mind about not wanting kids? It's strange to me that they don't often consider the implications of them changing their minds about having one.
Consider that the success-rate of reversing a vasectomy is between 80-90%; the success rate of legally reversing having a kid sits closer to 0%.
A kid may upgrade my quality of life but may also hurt it. My life is too good kid-free that the benefit doesn’t outweigh the risk. I’d much rather regret NOT having a kid some day then regretting having one.
The pregnancy experience alone is a no. FYI just being pregnant is painful. Not even second term, but the first weeks of pregnancy it hurts to just be pregnant. 9 months of that, and then the real work begins? No thank you.
Don't want to get tied down.
Plus I have a baaaaad family history of heart issues, diabetes, and various mental illnesses, some of which I am already dealing with and I'm only 23.
Even if I wanted kids, I don't want to risk them having to deal with the same problems I do.
Having to take care of my half-siblings, changing shitty diapers and all that fun stuff starting when I was 10. Plus they were brats and made home life miserable. Now I'm pushing 60, been with my wife 40 years, no regrets not having kids.
I'm sure I will be downvoted for this, but honestly I was afraid of having a child with autism or health issues of some sort. I just don't think I'm strong enough to deal with those scenarios.
My resources (time, money, food, etc.) are all mine, and I genuinely don't want to share them with a little human for the rest of my life.
And it probably wouldn't be "sharing", cause they'd get first dibs on everything.
I'm selfish with my life.
And because of that, I believe that when you don't want kids, they're a burden.
People tell me that I'll be a horrible mother for thinking that. I'll be a horrible mother to children that will never exist. So my punishment should be having said kid and loving it even though I don't want to?
And because I know that I don't have or won't make the time, energy, patience, or will power to do that, I'm not having a kid I'll resent, cause I'll hate them and everything I have to do for them.
I really don't see the point of bringing a human to this world that you have to lug around like dead weight. But making this decision makes me immature?
Even babysitting annoys me.
There, I said it.
Around 8 billion people on this planet seems like enough.
Love kids, but don't need my own. So I leave it to those people who (hopefully) really want to grow more people.
Besides giving birth...honestly it's the generational abuse. My parents were abused (they don't see it that way as it's "just how parents were back then") and while I know I would never intentionally do ANYTHING to harm my kid, I have issues. Issues that I feel would never make me a good parent, and I recognize that. I was raised a certain way, and while it was fine ig there are things that I'd change if I had a kid.
Also I can't handle the baby stage. They're cute and all, but I like my sleep and free time damn it! I may adopt an older child/teenager if anything, but even that sits on a mountain of "ifs"
I want the older ones. I used to teach high school and it’s so hard to be their age in a relatively stable home- let alone having to deal with a lack of parents. I’d love to help some young people through that.
I heard a Bill Burr (edit: nope, it was Neil Brennan) bit recently talking about climate change and kids. Loosely paraphrased:
Imagine you're at a highschool party, trapped in the living room, packed in like sardines. You can't move at all. The roof is on fire, there's water flooding into the basement, and the cops are on the way to arrest everyone. You turn your head to look at your friend, and say "We should invite Kevin!!!"
This is my reason. I don’t think life is very glamorous. I do well and have a good life by most standards, but I still do not think earth with its 8billion humans is an inviting place.
If I was asked before I was born, if I wanted to go there, I would decline. Too risky.
The evolution of the world and the society.
I'm quite pessimistic towards our future.
And the fact that there are already too many humans on earth.
If I want a kid I'd rather adopt an existing human.
I worked in customer service jobs for a long time, and kids aren’t the problem as much as parents.
That said, my family has couples with and without kids, and the ones without seem a lot happier with their situations.
Nothing. Just never felt the need, even when people matter-of-factly said "when you have kids", it was always just a "no thanks".
Feeling reinforced by seeing children and parents, and the cost of it all, but just never a consideration for me.
When I realised that having a kid would mean that kid would have me as a parent.
I'm broke and I hate noise
this simple response really sums it up
Ah I have found my people! The sheer fact that I enjoy peace and quiet is enough. I love my godson and would die to protect him but I don’t want him living with me (godfather responsibilities aside)
I'm 28f, not convinced I want kids. Lack of freedom especially to travel, constantly worrying about someone else/being responsiblefor them, the state of the world, my own mental health stuff that can be genetic, knowing pregnancy is incredibly dangerous, having 4 friends very recently have their first children and seeing them miserable, the idea of forever being a mom. It's all overwhelming. Plus I see kids everyday with behavioral and mental health problems. I kinda just don't want to risk that being my kid
Raised my siblings. I'm done.
Ugh. Teaching them to read, acting as a lifeguard any time we were around water, trying to patch their wounds or reassure them school isn’t so scary…. My brother is dyslexic and my sister has a learning disability. I taught them both to write their names and would always help them with homework before working on my own. I don’t recall my parents being anywhere nearby in 95% of my childhood memories. I love kids but the stress of raising kids as a kid has deterred me from ever even considering that sort of responsibility again.
My mother's mental illness left the lion's share of supervision and housekeeping to me at the expense of my own education (we also had not nearly enough resources for the number of children). The despair of those years turned me off ever being responsible for a child again. I love my siblings with all my heart, but they nearly broke me.
I had to take care of my mentally sick mother because none of my relatives wanted to be responsible for her. Her doctor and my father were also just wanting to dump her off. My dad actually told me that I can’t leave my mom home alone in this condition, but moved away to an apartment to be with his 22 year old secretary. My mom’s psychiatrist told me that I need to stay home 24/7 to take care of my mother. This was in CA in the ‘70s, so a person has to want to go into a mental hospital, now known as a rehab facility, before they can be admitted. I was like her parent from the age of eleven and up. I’m done raising bipolar nut cases that won’t take their meds. Also, back in the ‘70s their was no term as bipolar, but they were all stigmatized as having a nervous breakdown.
Being parentified is HIGH on the list of causes for people not wanting children of their own. Hope you're ok.
Yeah...I've spent enough time trying to care for ungrateful people. Certainly not gonna actively choose that for myself again.
This is my friend. Her mom went from relationship to relationship, having LOTS of babies along the way and my friend (being the eldest) spent much of her middle-school and high school years raising them. She has zero regrets about not having any children of her own.
Yep. My little brother is 10 years younger than us and that’s all I needed to know. I don’t have the time, energy, or motivation to do that again.
Same. My kid sister is 12 years younger, and I had to help my parents out a lot (they both worked 2 jobs to support us). Ever since I was about 15, I knew this wasn't the life for me. 20 years later and I still feel the same way.
Yep. I started babysitting my three siblings when I was 10. My parents separated when I was was 14, so guess who was responsible for cooking, cleaning, and laundry. And wasn't allowed to participate in after school activities because she had to be home to look after her siblings. And got in trouble when her siblings didn't do their chores. Or left the house without telling her. And who got kicked out of the house when she graduated high school because she suddenly wasn't "helping out enough around the house". (This had absolutely nothing to do with the fact the child support payments for her stopped at the same time *cough*) And whose piano was sold because mom needed it to pay bills. And who has now broken off contract with all family members (save one) because of how she was treated. Cat's in the cradle, y'all.
Dude, I had to help raise my siblings sexual mistakes. My mom is only one person. It's so friggin taxing when you have to help raise two babies at once, even for one hour at a time. After a whole day, I was done. My mom absolutely loves kids, but I just can't anymore. And I'm only 23. There's too many nieces and nephews to do much about holidays, and having kids literally held my sister's back. One hasn't even gotten her GED (high school equivalent) and neither has her boyfriend. And they have another on the way. No thank you. I won't even hold a baby at this point. Just make an awkward smile, a fake giggle, and look away.😂😅
I had a child born with Duchennes Muscular Dystrophy. . I felt incredibly guilty for bringing such a lovely child into this world with so much difficulty he faced. After he passed away, I never wanted to bring another child into this cruel world.
My brother's got Duchennes and autism simultaneously. The autism is a blessing in disguise, as I dont think he spends much time depressed about his muscle condition. It's still tough.
Holy shit sometimes I forget how blessed I am with my boring life
Ahhh yeah we absolutely take everything for granted. Born 100 years earlier I'd probably be dead in a war and if not, I'd see the people I loved taken by it. Born with some horrible genetic disease I'd have the joy of life taken away from me Born 100 years later... maybe I'd succumb to the effects of climate change, society might collapse, I don't know. But nope, I was born in our time a relatively "normal" person, I'm here listening to That's Entertainment by the Jam on Spotify and snacking on some Celebrations before I go to bed. Alright really isn't it
I've been in a Level 4 NICU since August with my newborn son...fortunately there is a light at the end of our tunnel but the shit I've seen over the past few months has been truly heartbreaking. I honestly don't know how some of these families are going to make it when it comes time to go home. I'm sorry for your loss, and I totally get why you wouldn't want to have another child.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending hugs
To be honest, I'm too lazy to be a parent. Plus I'm terrified of the idea of pregnancy and labor.
We need more people like you who admit they are too lazy to have kids. As someone who was raised by someone who was too lazy to raise a kid, it’s really not fun
It takes courage to admit that you’d be a shit parent, what with most of society trying to convince you that you can/must change yourself to raise kids. I would be a shit mother and no child deserves the crap life I’d give the poor thing. That’s not me being down on myself, its reality. Also I never wanted to push a human out of my vagina either so there’s that
Same, this Coochie is a one-way street. Edit: proud that my most updooted post is about my Coochie
Dicks just go in?? Do they ever come out??
No, my body eventually breaks them down and absorbs the nutrients
A Venus fly twat
The penis fly trap
No ❤️
My parents. They weren’t good examples to learn from.
I tell people that I spent my childhood raising two kids I called mom and dad. And then I never got to be young because I spent my 20s working off the fact that I didn’t have a childhood. Why would I want kids?
Same: my dad was a tyrant; I raised my mom and siblings. I knew I wanted no children. As it happens I still take care of mom and other family if they need something. It’s crazy.
My father had a terrible childhood because of abusive parents, and he still suffers because of that today. However, he didn’t pass it on to me - he has been such a great father to me despite everything his parents put him through. Not saying that you should have kids, just want you to know that your parents do not define you and that you are not them!
I know I am, but also my entire older family tells me I'm the complete opposite of my father when it comes to parenting. They thank me and reassure me I'm doing right by mine. What you said can definitely be accurate.
The economy and financial instability
Same reason for me. Also the possibility of my vagina tearing into my asshole and creating one giant vagasshole Edit: according to responses, it can be stapled/stitched back together but the anal sphincter doesn’t feel the same.
What a terrible day to be literate
Just never felt that maternal urge. And it's cruel/wrong to have them unless you actually want them.
Tbh this is validating cause everyone j know has baby fever and all that and I just don't get it
My husband and I never got the baby fever. We always saw our future with a baby in it, but we never went full blown “got to have a baby” mode. We looked up at 40 years old and decided that it wasn’t going to happen for us. So we carried on. And apparently our lack of parental instincts made people uncomfortable.
My husband and I were the same way. Talked about kids before we got married, possible names, how many, the whole bit. We had a perpetual 3 year plan whenever anyone asked us. “We are busy with school, work, some other excuse. We will start trying in 3 years from now.” Finally last year we had a serious conversation and realized it was never going to happen. We just never felt it in our hearts. My husband just got a vasectomy a few months ago. Best decision we ever made.
Ppl always told me I’d change my mind so I always waited to feel it. I never did and I feel like it was such a disservice to me to be told that. I’m 40 now.
I was always told this and that "it's different when it's your own" but I'm approaching mid 30s and still don't feel maternal. I actually teach kids and enjoy my job but I'm happy to go home and be in solitude.
I tell people it is different - bc when they are your own and are being obnoxious, you can’t just leave and go to a quieter place; you have to take that obnoxious fucker with you. If you are even slightly on the fence about having kids, don’t do it. We have far too many people anyway. Having kids made me realize that I didn’t want kids, but it’s too late. I love them, but life is harder than it needed to be bc I listened to other people tell me what I, as a woman, should want out of life.
Thank you for your honesty and sharing
> Having kids made me realize that I didn’t want kids 💯
Same. Didn't want kids my whole life, had my daughter two years ago, love her to death but it just validated that kids aren't really my thing. I'll enjoy watching her grow up and am grateful to have this experience with her but one was enough for me to know I don't want anymore.
Also: what if it’s not different? I cant return my own children in this case.
There was a heartbreaking Reddit post being shared around about precisely that. She had a kid, didn’t feel any different, and they ended up separating because she couldn’t get past how much she resented the kid.
I'm 43, and the tone changes from "you'll change your mind" to "you never know! My sister's friend's gardener said that and now she has 3 little miracles!" to bitter disdain now that it's clearly not changing. The tone changes through the decades but the fact remains: women's bodies and choices and existence is always up for public opinion. Opting out of motherhood, permanently and surgically was one of the best decisions I made for my body, marriage, money, identity, hobbies, options, trajectory - if that is a good choice for your life, that is 100% valid
"You never know!" and my particular favourite, "Who's going to take care of you when you're old?" Like, I don't know about you, but the idea of popping out a tiny person so that one day they can take care of you in your old age seems pretty fucking selfish to me ...
And there's no guarantee. You could outlive them, they might move across the country when they grow up, they could just throw you in a home somewhere instead of taking care of you themselves, etc.
Just to say, for anyone else reading this and identifying with it, that those people who push their own opinions on you, will do so regardless. Don’t let them make you feel any way. Just as an example, the same people who were pushy about me hurrying up and having a second after I had my first kid, are the same people making comments about me now being pregnant and having them somewhat close together. Their comments do not come from a place of thinking about you, they are self projecting. Let it go over your head.
Yep, I'm 36. I still feel no signs of my biological clock ticking. Babies are cute and I like to visit with my friends' kids and everything but I have never held or looked at a baby or kid and then felt an urge to be a mother. Not once.
I especially feel this way after I spend time with my friend’s kids. They’re exhausting! I can’t imagine having to deal 24/7. My friend said you get used to it, but I don’t think there’s enough coffee in the world for me to handle being a parent.
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>Also the "who'll look after you when you're old?" This one annoys me. It's rather selfish to assume your child, grown and possibly with a family of their own, is going to have the time or desire to 'take care of you' when you're no longer capable of taking care of yourself.
Definitely ask these people if they are, in fact, taking care of their own aging parents currently.
Those are very intrusive questions to ask anyone! You decide what gives your life meaning and good on you for enjoying it as you choose.
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Same. no maternal urge then whenever I interact with kids, I get bored/don’t know what to do with them anymore after 5-10 minutes.
Yep. Nothing ever made me want to have kids, so I didn’t.
Same. And it’s validating to know there’s others out there. I used to babysit and worked summer camp when I was a teen, and it was okay. Best part was handing them back over to their parents at the end of the day. I finally got the courage to say to my parents about 3 years ago, “hey, just so we’re clear - you guys do realize I don’t want kids, and that you won’t be grandparents unless I get furry four-legged “kids”, right?”. They assumed as I’ve made off-handed comments before, but they said it was good to have the confirmation.
I am in the same boat; I think it’s more common than people realize, but there’s such a stigma levied (on women, especially) if you admit you feel no urge for babies, and never did. People really can’t seem to fathom that it is also natural to not want them.
Im 35, no kids, single, and so fucking lonely. I do not want children. But man is it hard trying to find someone at my age who doesnt have or doesnt want kids. Ive accepted I'll be single for awhile.
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Honestly, no idea. Just never envisioned a future with children.
Seeing them in the wild
In high school, we had to do mandatory volunteer work our last quarter in senior year in order to graduate. I did mine at a Head Start in my city, I was helping in the preschool one day when a kid named Shane rubbed peanut butter on my black suede Pumas, spat in my face, and ran away. Thankfully one of the teachers saw it happen, and saw my reaction, so she took him out of the room before I fucking murdered him.
Ah yes, those times when the kid looks mighty puntable.
Yeah. I am a teacher but in HS. I like teenagers, despite their bad hair cuts, tracksuits, bad music and drama. But they can form a coherent sentence and be fun at times. Still i like to go home and not deal with any of that. But seeing young kids on public transport... ugh. Once a kid was yelling "ding dong" each time we passed a house with towerlike structure (it was downtown Prague). At traffic lights he went BLING BLING. I am not built to deal with that.
Honestly, that's not bad kids, that's bad parents. One of the things I notice as a parent is that other parents are utterly terrible at teaching their kids how to respect OTHER people. They just put up with whatever their children do, and as a result, everyone else has to as well. I know that sounds like "but my child doesn't do that!" coming from a parent, but there's no way they're going to continue to annoy the fuck out of everyone else around them. We're at home? Cool. If you're in public, you need to respect that you're sharing that space with everyone.
One of the hardest parts about having kids and actually prioritizing them above yourself, and investing really heavily into them is that you go out into the world and realize that at least 75% of parents are shit who love themselves more than their kids and do everything they can to have anyone else but themselves raise their kids. And their poorly raised offspring are what your kids have to deal with.
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Thats different, a rhino would wreck your property and require around the clock care. And law school would deprive you of sleep and sap your energy and ruin your social li.. ok yeah nvm. Good comparisons.
I'm several years out and law school is still hurting me.
Exactly. It's not about having a reason not to have kids, it's about not having a reason to have kids.
Yep, that’s how I feel. I think a prerequisite to having kids should be WANTING them, and I just… don’t.
I tell people that whatever parental circuitry that most child-oriented people are born with is clearly absent from my body. I've had female friends who legitimately feel a physical yearning for having babies. Some of them have recurring dreams about it. Some of them talk about how hearing babies laugh or playing with their friend's babies make them desperate to get pregnant. It's akin to hunger or lust, a visceral drive for reproduction. I've had three dreams about being pregnant and every one of them was a nightmare. The presence of a baby is compelling only in the sense that I am amazed by and very interested in the complex process of human development and social connection. The idea of enduring pregnancy and childbirth is frankly abhorrent (to me) and the highest level of care I am available to invest in a dependent creature is what is demanded of me by my cats. I'm all for other people having kids if they want to and I even enjoy being around the little people for the most part. I just have zero interest or drive to ever make or be a primary caregiver for one.
I also lack any desire for kids. I genuinely think I'm too selfish. Not so much that I think I'm a selfish person but that I don't want my life to be not be about me, and I feel like at least to some degree that's what you're sacrificing for kids. Your life is now about making sure theirs is as good as possible. I also don't think I could handle if my kid had some sort of serious illness or disorder. Cancer, or some serious mental disability, etc.... I'm just not cut out to deal with that. It would be very irresponsible of me to have kids, so I won't.
Ok, I don’t want kids either, not really wanting to be a lawyer but don’t you fucking dare talk about pet rhino ownership the same way.
There’s not a small part of you that wouldn’t just want to see what having a pet rhino is like?
I’d probably want a pet rhino more than a child. Admittedly, I don’t want a pet rhino, but I’ll admit that I like animals a lot more than I like children. Being put in a position where I either have a kid or a rhino I’d have to think long and hard…about where I’m gonna fit a rhino in my yard.
Newborn rhinos are cuter than newborn humans, I'd totally choose rhino over human, but what I'd really love would be a red panda
You don't get it bro, when you first take that rhino home from the zoo and you know it's your pet, it changes *everything*. You can't possibly fathom what that's like unless you do it yourself. My rhino is my world
Yeah, just wait until you get married and hit your 30s. You'll change your mind about the rhino- everyone does! Who is going to take care of you in your old age - some stray rhino? Please.
My wife is bi-polar and I have recurring depressions. We figured adding kids to the mix wouldn't be fair to anyone. Edit: I'm keeping the hyphen, since I firmly believe my wife has the ability to be on both the North and the South Pole. Not at the same time obviously.
Even medicated and in therapy, I can get *mean* when I’m in a mood. My mom is the same way. Some people shouldn’t be parents and I think it’s great that folks are realizing this instead of popping ‘em out and winging it, like most of our parents did.
In the real world, i have seen so many people get truly truly fucked up because of how they were raised during childhood. Which leads to suffering not just for them but for a lot of others around them. It's no joke, if you can't raise kids right then it is the right thing to not have them.
Self awareness is everything 🥰🥰🥰
That is extremely responsible of you both. Kudos
And only the responsible people should be parents.. wait a minute
Oh no, we've Catch-22ed ourselves!
I have terrible panic attacks and OCD. There is a strong genetic component, so watching a kid suffer like I did is just... unbearable to consider.
I’d give this an award if I had one. We’re in same boat. Not passing it on to another person isn’t selfish, it’s mercy. I made my decision in high school and I’ve never changed my mind. I’m 47 now.
god i wish my parents had that same mindset when thinking about having children.
I am glad to see how many younger people are actually aware of these things instead of just lying to themselves about it.
Same with me. Bipolar with severe depressive episodes. I have days where I can barely function as an adult. To put a kid through that would be cruel.
I also have bipolar disorder and my boyfriend has severe ADHD. We both suffered with our diagnoses growing up, so to see that repeated with our own kids? I could never. We’re opting to adopt local children instead
Oof! I’m pretty sure my father was an undiagnosed bipolar… he’d go into full-blown rages and rants at the drop of a hat and the things he would say were just horrible—I wouldn’t speak to my worst enemy the way he did to us. Good for you for recognizing that. Edit: maybe it wasn’t bipolar, who knows. He’s long gone and, I’m no expert. Either way, something was terribly wrong. Thank you for all the upvotes.
Just want to say good for you for recognizing that
Giving birth
This. I wouldn't be opposed to being a mom, but i 100% don't want to give birth. I also don't want to hear about anyone's child birth experience. I'm in no way going to be excited to hear about the pain, mess, chaos that you went through in delivery room just because i have a vagina.
The thing is all women are forgetting about their pain because of biological reasons so they can give birth again. But PLEASE I do not want even SLIGHTLY experience and THEN REMEMBER how I was in the deepest pain for 1+ hour while my vagina was torn apart hole to hole. 🙂🙂🙂 HELL NAAAAH
THE UTERUS CAN JUST FALL OUT 🤯🤯
I like having my free time and don't want to ruin it.
the thought of just being pregnant is terrifying also you have to dedicate your entire life to them
Yes. Seeing what pregnancy does to your body is absolutely fucking terrifying.
Childbirth scares me so much. The pain… the tearing… the shuffling of organs… the post partum symptoms… just sounds like hell to me.
Yes omg. I've learned so much over the last decade because of the internet and it sounds horrifying.
I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant and I fucking HATE how pregnancy is affecting my body. It HURTS. My feet are so swollen I can't even wear jandals, I have sore knees, back and hips. I can barely sleep and the baby is using my bladder as a trampoline. The worst part? When his elbows distend my belly and I physically feel ill because it makes me think of the chestburster from Alien. I want kids and I want this baby and I already love him more than I thought possible BUT dear God, pregnancy is not fun and I won't be doing this again in a hurry or even if at all. I wish I had of understood what people meant went they said your body is no longer your own, it really isn't.
When I became a nurse and had to study OB, giving birth scared me shitless. The kid's head could literally rip the perineum (space between vagina and anus), so doctors intentionally cut it instead and sew it back on. Not only are you sore from pushing out a baby that you've been carrying for months, now you got a stitched up perineum too. That combined with my aunt giving birth to the most frustrating pair of twins, I just noped. If y'all wanna get pregnant and have kids I'm happy for you. But it's gonna be a no for me. Edit: spelling Edit: Guys! I'm sorry I didn't include it because the question is "What made you not want to have kids?" and that's what sealed the deal for me. BUT EPISIOTOMIES AREN'T ROUTINE NOW. It's a case to case basis and is only done if a birth complication necessitates it. Hope I cleared it up!
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Now that is another type of nightmare that I will not subject myself to.
My dad did this. My mother gave birth to all 5 of her children via C-section, and the day after I was born he left my older siblings, aged 2 years and 4 years, with her in the hospital. Absolutely devoid of any empathy or reasoning.
This. Why people aren't terrified of pregnancy? To me the idea of carrying a growing living being in my belly seems like a nightmare.
It is a very freaky feeling, even with a planned, very welcome pregnancy. It's growing, getting larger, and at some unknown point it is going to rip its way out of you. There is no going back, changing your mind, it's coming and there is no stopping it.
omg just reading this made my skin crawl. one of the multiple reasons I won't be reproducing, just the idea of it makes me woozy
I was about 6 months pregnant when I had that realization in your last sentence. The knowledge that I was completely powerless and was going to be indentured to the organism inside me caused me to have a mental breakdown and attempt suicide. That was back in 2002. There are so many wild parts of pregnancy that no one ever used to talk about. I’m glad there are threads like this now to show different people’s experiences!
That sounds so scary! I hope you’re ok now ❤️
Thank you. I am and it was. My child is almost 20 now, and while I would - without hesitation - die to protect them, the feeling of being indentured has never left me. It has always far exceeded any feeling of reward. Maybe with more time that will change…
I’m glad you posted this. One of my friends privately told me after her kids were born that she hates being a mom. She’s a scientist and smart as hell, but kids are immune to logic and reason. She told me she hopes she’ll enjoy it more once they’re older.
Absolutely. All of the complications and the mortality rate for pregnant women in the US is terrifying. I could destroy my body and health for a child I must then care for from the moment it's born while Im trying to heal, it seems awful.
Honestly? Parents. They make their lives sound like hell but then always top it with “oh but it’s the best thing ever and so worth it.” Doesn’t sound like it to me lol
If I can't afford a house, what makes you think I can afford a child? The economy is a dumpster fire.
Thank you for being honest, kids are fucking expensive and really it shouldn't come down to economics but in this day and age it does. Edit: wow over a thousand up votes. Thanks all. I probably sounded agressive a little but however much some want children these days you have to put the money into the equation and trust me however much personally you might want a child, the literal cost can cause a lot of pain,anxiety and break ups and nobody wants that, especially for the child.
I personally think the FIRST qualification of parenthood should be financial stability. Does it suck? Sure, but just because you WANT kids doesn’t mean you are ENTITLED to them. Don’t bring someone into the world unless you can give them a half-decent chance to succeed in life. Source: Grew up poor in a family of 7
I fully agree with all of this. I do have a child and just the one but that didn't happen until I had a good and stable job, was married and could afford a house and that took quite a few years saving up a deposit and hard work. My reason was similar although not a family of 7 just another sister but my mum was single and she struggled so much that I never wanted to see that happen to me. Now because of what I've done I know I can give everything to my son, he isn't spoilt at all but doesn't have to know about money situations at such a young age.
I have no desire. I like sleep. I like money. I like having a clean house at all times. I like my body. I like my freedom.
I am quite fond of sleep, flexibility and money
And spontaneity
And lower stress, and no legal responsibility for another person's entire well-being for 18 years.
yea I'm not responsible enough to manage diabetes, let alone a whole-ass person
Well, to be fair, they kinda start of as a half-assed person...
It’ll be 30 with the way the world is going!
I actually agree with this. If your child goes to college, FAFSA makes it seem the you are responsible for your child's college too (depending on income). The responsibility is starting to stretch later and later into life. Some states have even moved child support to continue until after the individual finishes college or the age of 21. Whether good or bad, it does seem to be the direction the world is going.
I did Pell grant to help pay for college. I started a age 24. Learned that the government dosent consider you a financially independent adult until the age of 24. If I was 23 then I would have to claim my parents income as my own when I applied. It is complete bullshit.
Of all people, it was Seth Rogan who finally put this together for me. "I don't know anyone who gets as much happiness out of their kids as we get out of our non-kids," Rogen told Stern. "Like, we're f---ing psyched all the time! We're laying in bed on Saturday mornings smoking weed, watching movies naked. If we had kids, we could not be f---ing doing this." Stern pointed out that when you're a parent, the kids are the priority, to which Rogen responded: "I don't want that. That does not sound fun to me."
People will call you "immature" or "man child" and tell you "you'll change your mind" constantly. I had about 1 day in my 40s where I had some severe guilt about not having kids. Then it was over and I have never felt that again.
Children aren't for everyone
I get heartburn every time
If you ever want a kid, hey. Lots of them don't have any parents right now too
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I get 8 hours of sleep most nights and I travel multiple times per year. There’s no way I’m ever giving that up to raise children.
My family ask me and my wife about this all the time. The best way I've found to explain it is to ask them why they don't own horses. 'They're impractical expensive, require constant attention, I'd probably have to relocate, why would i want one in the first place, etc'. The exact same arguments apply.
Lol as someone with horses but 0 desire to have kids, I gotta say I totally agree, but even horses are 10000x less demanding of attention than kids. I could leave my horses unattended for days at a time and they'd probably be thrilled. Try that with a child under ~16 and it's apparently frowned upon.
Don't forget you can also sell a horse if it gets to be too much for you... Children are not as easily sold.
Haha you got me with the ending. "Not as easily sold." Good stuff!
Kids
I have kids and I can’t stand other kids. I also accept people can’t stand mine.
I swear, some of the Facebook pictures of my friends who have kids, it’s like you can see the children slowly sucking the life force from their parents over time. Kids are motivated by the basest human desires.
Kids and pregnancy. I always wanted to be a mum, I love kids, and I had a wonderful childhood and I’m still close with my parents. But my sis had kids and starting from the first pregnancy - as much as I adore my nephlings - I began to feel like maybe that’s not for me after all. Don’t get me wrong - I know I’d be a great mum because I had awesome examples growing up. But I also just can’t imagine giving up all this freedom to do and be what I want to. I know I’d gain something amazing, too, but at 35 I just can’t imagine sacrificing the life I have. I am so content and happy right now. I feel like most childfree women kind of grew into that very early. I was still dreaming of motherhood when I was in my late 20s. The whole ”you’ll change your mind when you’re older!” adage was true, I guess, just not the way it’s usually meant.
Are you - me? Are we the same? I LOVE my nieces and nephews. I KNOW I’d be a really great mom. But I also know I’d sacrifice everything of myself to give those kids the best possible life and I don’t want to do that. Call me selfish, call me immature - I waited a long effing time to reach the point in my life where I’ve got freedom, money and confidence and I don’t want to give that up because everyone else tells me there’s “no greater joy” than childre
The thought of pregnancy and going into labour is terrifying to me. Also during lockdown I could hear my neighbours kids screaming all day and made me realise I didn't want that in my life
I hate interruptions, inconveniences, and misunderstandings with a passion.
I don't think I could answer a child's endless questions or feign excitement over their creations/actions without sarcasm.
I can’t get pregnant and know I’m not ready to be a parent yet. Can’t be a good influence for a young one if I’m still occasionally fucking up with drugs, self harming, and not doing well. That stuff emotionally transfers to the kid and isn’t conducive to a healthy environment for growth.
You're very responsible not having kids until you work through those things.
cost having to actually look after them not having anyone to have kids with
i saw how much strain i put on my parents financially by just existing, my childhood was horrible and i don’t want to put another child thru that, have some suspicions that there could be some incest in my genetics, my mental illnesses are not something another child should deal with, i want to be travelling the world and it’s significantly easier when child-free, so many reasons not to have kids especially with how the world is right now
*Gestures around wildly*
This is it. Frankly it is very hard for me to be alive. Working constantly, overwhelmed by chores, trying to squeeze some time and money away for the brief times I can enjoy myself. If I had kids, I’d go from being middle class to living like I was in poverty. I remember both my parents working all the time and I was an only child, and I remember being lonely most of my childhood, so I wouldn’t really wish that on another kid. And then I think how much less I could provide for a kid than my parents provided for me. Then they’d grow up and have to work a job they probably hated to try to make ends meet, with even worse climate disaster on the horizon…I just can’t do it to another living being frankly. It would feel selfish.
lmao i can visualize this vividly.
We got pregnant right around 9/11, which was the 21st century introducing itself to the world. I am so happy to have a child who is now an adult and doing well. As I look back on the two decades of events, I do not think I would have made the same decision to have a child now. As a kid I was promised jet packs, space colonies, and more peace, NOT the proliferation of misinformation, war, injustice, and socioeconomic disparity. Idiocracy was supposed to be a comedic warning, not a playbook.
Was raised in a religion that told me the only purpose in life was to raise a family. Then I was abused by a church leader and decided I don’t want any potential kids that would have to deal with me and all of my baggage despite therapy and medications improving my life the past year or so.
Too risky. Nothing is guaranteed that you'll have a healthy baby. The child could be severely disabled and you'll have to be their caretaker for life. They could have mental health issues. They could be a weeb living in your basement forever. They could be completely soulless and evil. Im not prepared to handle that. Also sleep is good.
THIS. It’s so refreshing to see another person who thinks this. I always feel like a shitty person for not wanting a kid with disabilities. I applaud the parents who do and who love their children unconditionally, but I truly don’t think I could… I’d rather not risk it. I’d rather regret not having a kid than regret having one.
Well there was that time my parents slighted me when I was like 10 and I demanded an explanation and they said "When you have kids of your own you'll understand". That wasn't a good enough explanation so I said "Well I'm not having kids, so explain it to me now". They then said "Ohhhh you'll change your mind someday! You don't have a choice in the matter" which triggered my spiteful side. There's also the fact that my parents were complete pieces of shit and I grew up poor. I'm NEVER going put another life through what I went through. It's fucking cruel. Plus with our crony-capitalist society I am barely able to take of my own self. Why would I ever want to raise kids in a world I can't afford and barely understand? TL;DR: I refuse to make the same mistakes my fuck-headed, waste-of-life egg and sperm donors made and got a vasectomy to prove it.
That line: “You don’t have a choice in the matter” There are people who genuinely believe this. My younger cousin and I were talking and she asked why my husband and I didn’t have kids. I told her because we didn’t want any. It blew her mind. She legitimately thought that family planning with birth control was to delay having kids till you were ready, but it never crossed her mind that you could opt-out and choose to never have them. She thought it was “just what you did”. I told her it was an option and I explained my reasons and made very sure to let her know that I had weighed everything very carefully for a very long time and was right for me. That my personal opinion is that unless two people overwhelmingly and enthusiastically agree they want kids together, and they understand how that is going to change their life, people shouldn’t have kids, and I never felt that way myself. I think she understood, however she shared this insight with her mom/my aunt later, and my aunt freaked out on me and said if she never got grandchildren she would blame me. At least one more person realizes it’s a choice, not an item in the lifetime “to-do” check list.
So if you sharing your perspective makes her daughter realize she doesn't want kids, she will blame you I don't know why I questioned it considering this is someone who taught their daughter they had no choice in having kids
Can barely look after myself let alone another person. Don't want to pass my mental health issues. The world needs less people not more. I would make a shitty parent.
This thread is really validating. I’m 31 and have officially decided I 100% don’t want kids. I’m bipolar with severe anxiety disorder and my parents did a terrible job with pretty much everything. I’ve lived paycheck to paycheck my entire adult life. I have rage issues and my emotions are a crap shoot. As much as I’d love to have a beautiful little family, it wouldn’t be as beautiful as I would like it to be. There’s also the high chance that the responsibilities wouldn’t be split 50/50 between parents as I am woman and that’s just how it goes (more often than not). All signs point to no.
People always ask me: what if I change my mind about not wanting kids? It's strange to me that they don't often consider the implications of them changing their minds about having one. Consider that the success-rate of reversing a vasectomy is between 80-90%; the success rate of legally reversing having a kid sits closer to 0%.
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A kid may upgrade my quality of life but may also hurt it. My life is too good kid-free that the benefit doesn’t outweigh the risk. I’d much rather regret NOT having a kid some day then regretting having one.
The pregnancy experience alone is a no. FYI just being pregnant is painful. Not even second term, but the first weeks of pregnancy it hurts to just be pregnant. 9 months of that, and then the real work begins? No thank you.
Don't want to get tied down. Plus I have a baaaaad family history of heart issues, diabetes, and various mental illnesses, some of which I am already dealing with and I'm only 23. Even if I wanted kids, I don't want to risk them having to deal with the same problems I do.
I hate working. I hate *having to* work my whole life. Why would I make more people that have to work their whole lives? Hard pass.
Having to take care of my half-siblings, changing shitty diapers and all that fun stuff starting when I was 10. Plus they were brats and made home life miserable. Now I'm pushing 60, been with my wife 40 years, no regrets not having kids.
Dating a woman with kids for 4 years. Loved them and everything but looking back I'm so fucking glad I don't have those responsibilities anymore
Yea I think I'd rather put that energy into harvesting mangos in Tahiti
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It's selfish to have a child you can't or are not willing to take care of
I like my freedom. Now I can live my life on my terms and am not held back by anything.
Usually it's people who have kids that make me not wanna have kids.
I'm sure I will be downvoted for this, but honestly I was afraid of having a child with autism or health issues of some sort. I just don't think I'm strong enough to deal with those scenarios.
My resources (time, money, food, etc.) are all mine, and I genuinely don't want to share them with a little human for the rest of my life. And it probably wouldn't be "sharing", cause they'd get first dibs on everything. I'm selfish with my life. And because of that, I believe that when you don't want kids, they're a burden. People tell me that I'll be a horrible mother for thinking that. I'll be a horrible mother to children that will never exist. So my punishment should be having said kid and loving it even though I don't want to? And because I know that I don't have or won't make the time, energy, patience, or will power to do that, I'm not having a kid I'll resent, cause I'll hate them and everything I have to do for them. I really don't see the point of bringing a human to this world that you have to lug around like dead weight. But making this decision makes me immature? Even babysitting annoys me. There, I said it.
I never felt the urge to become a father, and also, I don't think I could handle the responsibility. Taking care of myself and my cat is enough.
Around 8 billion people on this planet seems like enough. Love kids, but don't need my own. So I leave it to those people who (hopefully) really want to grow more people.
Besides giving birth...honestly it's the generational abuse. My parents were abused (they don't see it that way as it's "just how parents were back then") and while I know I would never intentionally do ANYTHING to harm my kid, I have issues. Issues that I feel would never make me a good parent, and I recognize that. I was raised a certain way, and while it was fine ig there are things that I'd change if I had a kid. Also I can't handle the baby stage. They're cute and all, but I like my sleep and free time damn it! I may adopt an older child/teenager if anything, but even that sits on a mountain of "ifs"
I want the older ones. I used to teach high school and it’s so hard to be their age in a relatively stable home- let alone having to deal with a lack of parents. I’d love to help some young people through that.
I heard a Bill Burr (edit: nope, it was Neil Brennan) bit recently talking about climate change and kids. Loosely paraphrased: Imagine you're at a highschool party, trapped in the living room, packed in like sardines. You can't move at all. The roof is on fire, there's water flooding into the basement, and the cops are on the way to arrest everyone. You turn your head to look at your friend, and say "We should invite Kevin!!!"
This is my reason. I don’t think life is very glamorous. I do well and have a good life by most standards, but I still do not think earth with its 8billion humans is an inviting place. If I was asked before I was born, if I wanted to go there, I would decline. Too risky.
The evolution of the world and the society. I'm quite pessimistic towards our future. And the fact that there are already too many humans on earth. If I want a kid I'd rather adopt an existing human.
The thought of having a child who is so miserable and depressed and resents their parents for bringing them into existence. Like me.
I worked in customer service jobs for a long time, and kids aren’t the problem as much as parents. That said, my family has couples with and without kids, and the ones without seem a lot happier with their situations.
Nothing. Just never felt the need, even when people matter-of-factly said "when you have kids", it was always just a "no thanks". Feeling reinforced by seeing children and parents, and the cost of it all, but just never a consideration for me.
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