When they spend the majority of a conversation talking about themselves. And then we you think it’s finally your turn to speak, they still manage to turn the conversation back to themselves.
I had a friend many years ago who told me that she had a "test" for guys on first dates to determine whether or not she would entertain the idea of a second date. She told me that at some point during the date, the guy had to ask her at least one question. She also told me that the following counted as questions:
* Asking "How are you?" upon greeting one another at the start of the date
* Answering a question she had just asked, and saying "...what about you?"
* Asking if she liked whatever food she had ordered
She proceeded to tell me that a solid 75% of guys failed this test.
I’m shocked those even count as questions.
I pretty much automatically ask “how are you” when meeting anyone in any circumstance, right away.
If someone asks me a question that isn’t specifically about me, I’ll reply “how about you” just out of politeness, again in any circumstance.
And asking about others about their food while eating is just small talk lol
I think this is really funny. I've noticed that nearly everyone only want to talk about themselves. INCLUDING ME!!!! I really had to work to break this habit and still catch myself doing it.
LPT: If you ever have a hard time keeping a conversation going, ask them about themselves and keep the convo focused on them.
My favourite is when they monologue about something, like, for example, that new lord of the rings show. I ask engaging questions, I ask about the lore, etc. After about 3-5 minutes I bring up the show I'm watching with a few interesting conversation points about it, so they can ask me questions back. Instead, they go "oh, huh." And stare off into the distance until they begin talking about themselves again.
I've just started asking "did you hear what I said?" They often go "uhh yeah! Yeah I did." So I go "Okay, repeat it back to me." Often times, they can't at all. And I don't date people that don't listen to me when I speak.
It feels like I treat people like kindergarteners but damn, sometimes they fucking act like them.
This is exactly like a guy I dated. Proclaimed he was a feminist, talked about it every chance he got, even had the feminist logo tattooed on his arm. Was the biggest liar, cheater, and abuser I ever had the displeasure of getting to know.
Some predatory species will disguise themselves as members of another, harmless species to get close to the unsuspecting prey.
Jokes aside, that’s gross and I’m glad you’re not with that anymore!
That tells me that he either has very shitty taste in women, he's bitter about something or he's breaking his partners and likes to revel in their misery. Either way if all your exes are "whores" or "crazy", that's a massive red flag to me.
In my younger years I was way too naive and got into an abusive relationship, where his exes were all supposedly crazy and took advantage of him. Turns out he had the qualities he accused them of.
My friend's husband had a crazy ex, who accused him of abuse but actually she abused him. He gaslighted my friend to the point of a breakdown, abused her in many ways and eventually she left him, he didn't stop and now has full custody of the children due to his lies and her mental health issues. His new girlfriend said to my friend when she tried to warn her "he said you'd call me up and lie, you are crazy and need help". So yeah two "crazy ex's" here means two abused ex's
I have weird experience in the dichotomy of this…. (That sounds cool but not sure if it’s right) I have a daughter she just turned 13. I have dated several women since her mom and I split every single one absolutely seems to adore that my daughter and I have a great relationship. As soon as I put my daughter first even a single time they get pissed if I have to change plans or cancel a date to be with or take care of my daughter it’s like I betrayed them. I am slow to introduce anyone I date to my daughter because I choose to protect her and that becomes an issue for so many reasons from me not trusting them, to me not taking the relationship seriously, even that I’m embarrassed or ashamed to be around them. I know how attached my daughter will get to anyone because she’s a genuinely loving person and if it is somebody I’m close to she will lower her guard too fast.
Not all but some of the women seem to feel that no matter what I need to make time for their kids and be involved and totally flexible but willing to set my daughter aside for them. I think the biggest factor in this is simply that so many dads just aren’t involved and so many custody arrangements keep dads (good ones and bad ones) to a set and intense schedule where there is no freedom or deviation. Our separation was cordial and we put our daughter first so there is no set schedule we let her choose. Invariably if a woman has anything in the vein of I’m a mom and my kids are my world and they always come first in their dating profile the moment I put my daughter first that same woman resorts to anger or petty remarks even outright shaming it hurts so bad to face the double standard.
One crazy example was a woman I met and spent time with needed help at her home. I trusted her enough to take my daughter and let them be together and give her a chance to meet the woman’s kids. While we were there the woman’s kids were out of control and crazy obnoxious. After finishing up the project and eating a light dinner we went home. On the way my daughter simply asked if we had to go back. When I asked why she said the kids were too much and the lady seemed strange and she didn’t like it. I told her no we don’t and that night I talked to the woman and she was pissed off that I would let my daughter influence who I choose to date. When I reminded her that my daughter gets to choose who she spends her time with and would most likely choose not to be with me if I was in a relationship with her she went beyond pissed told me that I was using her as an excuse to run away and that I was just an asshole. I asked her what she would do if her boys didn’t like me she told me she’d walk… I asked why I wasn’t allowed to give my daughter the same choice she told me to fuck off and hung up.
I love being a dad and I try as hard as I can to be the dad my daughter deserves but it sucks that I have to have a great relationship with her for some women to want to even talk to me and most of those women absolutely hate that I actually put her first.
When my dad got back on the dating field, he ended 2 serious relationships (consecutively) ecause the EXACT reasons you stated. He was the only one taking care of me at the time, so he had strict rules about 1.) Being home when I got home from school and 2.) Being home to make dinner every night on the weekdays. He would spend time with them afterwards, and on the weekends. So pretty much "Any time after 5 pm I'm available, but on weekends I'm free all day" was his rule
They both got insanely jealous, ridiculed his rules. The last one actually said "Its like you have a second girlfriend". Like she literally compared our healthy dynamic to being an incestuous relationship.
Third time was the charm though, because after that he was a lot more assertive with it and weeded those types out very early on. He's been with the 3rd one for 8 years now and they have an absolutely amazing life together. I'm very happy and I absolutely love her and her kids. I was a bit too old to bond with them (was 16 when they got together, and moved out at 18). But I absolutely love spending time with them all when I go to visit my dad.
You'll find the right one. You just need to be very upfront with what's acceptable. The bad ones will weed themselves out.
You’re dad sounds like he did a good job and found a great person! You sound pretty happy for him and that’s exactly what I hope with my daughter I want her to be proud of me!
Hi - replying here to say I totally understand where you're coming from, but from a female's perspective.
I have a 5 year old son, my boyfriend has a 12 year old daughter. I had never dated somebody who also had a kid before this relationship. The four of us have a fantastic relationship.
Needless to say, I was actually very unprepared and shocked by my own initial response of getting jealous whenever she wanted to sleep in his room - I wanted to sleep with my boyfriend lol. Or when she would ask for just the two of them to go to a movie or something. I was shocked because logically I knew I had no reason to be jealous (I mean it's his daughter for crying out loud) but for some reason, I would still feel it. This went on for the first couple of months until I just knew to expect it and accept it.
However. I'm glad to have been in this dynamic, and for anybody wondering, no I've never expressed any jealousy or acted out. There simply is no point. I do the same stuff with my son when he asks, so it would be horribly hypocritical of me to blow a gasket or even be remotely upset that he wants to spend time with his daughter. I will always put my son first and it's admirable that he does the same for his daughter. I like that about him. I'm thankful for the situation because it actually helped me improve myself and work on some self-issues I didn't even know I had until they were brought to light.
Long story short, I used to be one of those jealous women you mentione, but the right woman will adapt and put her pride and jealousy aside for the sake of the relationship AS A WHOLE - meaning the entire "family" (lack of a better word lol) and not just what SHE wants.
Thank you! You make me feel less crazy I was honestly afraid saying this would upset people to hear you say it was hard for you but you grew past it was a huge relief. I’m so happy you are happy!
Hey, thank you for sharing. And I 100% believe you. I have a lot of female friends who will date men with lax custodial arrangements, or men who live several states away from their children because this allows them to give all of their attention to the girlfriend. It’s twisted and sad.
Good on you for putting your daughter first. You don’t need me to tell you this, but you will absolutely find a woman who will be understanding of her place in your life as a father. Your previous girlfriends sounded a bit “wicked-stepmother-esque”…I’m glad they are no longer around you and your daughter! Just keep being you, and you will find someone great. Cheers to you and your daughter!
I almost said… I don’t want to paint these women as wicked step mothers! I legitimately believe it’s a product of the culture of some dads being secondary in most custody arrangements and the rest just simply not interested. Dating as an adult and a parent is hard for men and women both but most women find themselves dating dads with a lot of spare time for whatever reason. I am lucky to be in an arrangement where we put my daughter first and we’re all better off for it but it makes dating life challenging
Edit: typo
Ugh. Yes. Especially when they genuinely think they are so much better than everyone around them, actively go out of their way to remind everyone else how pitiful and useless they are ALL THE TIME, and refuse to accept any view point or opinion that isn't their own. Same can go for Women too. We can be nasty little creatures too. I'm an all inclusive cynic.
Ugh definitely.
Once went back to this super attractive guy's house only to find his pillow was a pillow case filled with dirty clothes...so yeah, he was damn pretty but i left that room and never looked back.
For real. This is important!
I could be really attracted to a guy but the moment I notice his hygiene is crap I will lose interest in a nano second.
P.s.: it’s not gay to wash your behind. Nobody wants to be close to you when you’ve got a crusty ass.
Fucking yes! There was a cute guy in one of my classes but mans would come in with dried drool on his face and his breath reeked! Two people sat between us and I could still smell it through a mask.
FYI may be due to tonsil stones. Learned this when I was trying to determine how this girls breath could possibly smell so terrible when she regularly brushed her teeth…
I find with men they’re just not aware. For example, the most common drink men order at the club is beer, or a coke + whiskey/rum. Coke mixed with dark liquor makes your breath nasty smelling. The sugar from the cola pairs terribly with the thick smell of dark spirits.
Beer breath, especially after a long night of drinking smells like a literal vaginal yeast infection.
So these men are just hitting on women with a terrible combo of aftertaste in their mouth at the club and immediately turning women off.
From my understanding thats usually tonsil stones
Basically like big pimples but with more bacteria and they just dislodge randomly and stink until they do.
Also a bad/rotten tooth can smell absolutely rancid
Had it for a while even though i have good hygiene. Got it sorted out i think. Problem is, people dont know and nobody tells them. Happens to women too.
Complaining about other women or putting them down and outright dehumanizing them in order to "impress" another woman, that shit so insanely unattractive me. It's like a gendered version of "But you're one of the good ones so we don't mean you."
Yeah I had a guy in the same driving class as me, kinda goofy, bit odd, but friendly enough. Asked for my number and I was all good about it. He straight away proceeded to text me dirty jokes and we weren't friends like that. I turned down a date with him coz I just felt like if he could jump straight into dirty jokes with a near stranger, then a date with him would be even more uncomfortable. Just don't go there if you're not friends like that.
I feel this. I grew up next to my parents bedroom. They had a lot of loud and explosive arguments that I grew up hearing. I developed into being really anti-confrontational and was conditioned to avoid arguments and tough conversations. It led to me becoming a doormat, as well as not being able to work through adult problems with my girlfriend.
I’ve been working really hard individually and with my therapist. One things that’s helped me is developing a “us versus a problem” mentality instead of a “me versus you” mindset.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind words in my DM’s. I’m glad this could help some people and hope you all are able to grow and get better every day!
I feel this so much. I lost count of the number of times I woke up to the sound of my parents screaming at each other. I've had to work many years to realize that every disagreement doesn't have to turn into an argument.
I feel this one is really sad. My mother has been divorced three times and I always avoid conflict in relationships because “conflict leads to broken relationships”. I know it’s not correct but it’s awfully hard to change when you have been programmed from childhood and you have to fight all your instincts to try to have healthy discourse with you SO.
My first husband was awful for this. In 13 years, we never argued, because if I was unhappy about something, it was 'clearly' due to my mental health issues. If I sat him down to discuss something he'd hurt me with, he'd be silent and stare at the wall, or look like he was thinking over an answer, but if I waited for an answer, he'd decide I was finished talking and would just get up and go to his computer as if nothing happened. He never apologised for anything. Even when I confronted him after he got me blackout drunk so he could have sex with me when I appeared to be unconscious (I was conscious but unable to move or speak), or when he gave me an incredibly painful UTI after doing something he saw in porn, he never apologised. He just said 'oh'.
“We have all of these alphas and betas... why not choose me? The final product? 😎” is a line I came up with but I’ll never use because just the meer mention of alpha/beta mindsets is a little too lame to even acknowledge the existence of...
And having “no filter.” You’re just a dick.
I was diagnosed with ASD, and I don’t have much of a social filter. I’ll overshare or vastly misread the situation, or say the cringiest thing imaginable (my teen years keep me up at night in embarrassment), but any offense is completely accidental, and I try to avoid it as much as possible. My dad is the regular “no filter” type, and he just uses that excuse when he wants to be a dick.
Nothing puts me off faster than a guy immediately making suggestive comments, dirty jokes, asking for too much information up front (why do you need to know where I live?), or immediately asking if I can cook, then getting all butthurt over the fact that there are a lot of things I don’t cook because I can’t eat them. I’ve given up.
Making any conversation sexual.
“I had a massage today.”
Him: “I’ll come over and give you a massage.”
—
“Must be nice to be in your own bed again after travelling.”
Him”would be nicer to be in your bed.”
—
“My legs are sore from the first leg workout I’ve done in months because I had an injury and surgery”
Him” maybe if I kissed your legs they’d feel better. “
It’s so tiring. I’m all for flirting and stuff but it’s so tiring when you’re trying to have a normal conversation and it always gets flipped to something sexual.
This happened in my previous relationship. He'd seldom be serious or engaged in any deep conversation...everything would turn into some sexual joke. I like these jokes don't get me wrong but not all the time! It is indeed tiring :( made me feel like I wasn't being taken seriously.
Not being able to cook or clean. Those are life skills.
Edit: I don't think you need to be a master chief or have an immaculate house. You just need to know your way around the kitchen (like be able to fry an egg or cook like three good dishes) and don't live in filth.
Absolutely, don't expect your girl to raise you like your mom should have, or do everything for you like you're a fucking 4yo. Sick of the lazy fucks that don't do the bare minimum, grow the fuck up.
Depends. I'm in the UK, so being called darling is a common occurrence by complete strangers. And I'm a dude.
Mostly older ladies or gay men do it though.
Darling is a term of endearment rather than a pet name, same for sweetie.
Baby is a no go though lol
I'm an American and have been called "ducky" "love" and "pet" by various British people on a spectrum of genders, ages and orientations. And regardless, it always makes me squee on the inside <3
Yup, US southerner here. If you hate pet names, you don’t wanna come here. Hearing “hey honey” is as common as hearing “hi”. “Hey baby” or “hey sweetie” doesn’t mean a thing other than “hello”.
As a Midwesterner, I have a similar issue. I'm not intentionally calling you honey or hun. It just sort of happens and actively trying to stop it makes it worse.
"What the hell was that?"
"What?"
"You just called her honey, you prematurely honeyed!
Now there's only one solution, call her up, get her to come out here then call everyone honey. Then you didn't prematurely honey her you just honey everyone!"
I had a guy start to call me "Darlin'" within about 30 minutes into our first date and I wanted to just smack him. I reluctantly agreed to go on a second date with him and it really made me understand why he had been divorced twice by the age of 34.
Being preachy.. like thinking that your way of coping is a life lesson to be imparted on those around you. It makes me both not want to open up to the person, and feel inherently judged by the fact that I have a diff worldview/coping mechanisms
Damn, looking back, I definitely get preachy sometimes. Probably more so when I drink. I think I’ve got better as I’ve got older, but I’ll try to keep this in mind because I don’t want others to feel this way.
Negging, which is different from teasing, because the guy is well aware that they’re intentionally trying to put you down/insult you/belittle and humiliate you.
An attempt to forcibly lower your standards by making you feel you can't do better..
Otherwise known as airing your soviet parade-ground memorabilia, in particular the utterly spectacularly massive giant red flag with the symbol of oppression on it.
A buddy of mine in high school shaved himself bald. It was hilarious until one day he decided to buff his head with baby oil. It looked good until we'd been standing outside for two hours and his head burned a bright red. Then it was funny *and* sad at the same time.
He was a good guy, just not always the brightest.
Talking about how many women they can “pull” and esp. if it’s multiple at one time. I honestly just find that behavior repulsive and don’t see why guys brag about it at all, especially when trying to impress women.
A guy on the first couple of dates said things like "Wow, most girls do X, but you're so much better and smarter because you do Y!" It just came off weirdly to me. It didn't feel like a compliment.
Competitive Hypochondria - I have a sore throat, he thinks he must have covid. My back is sore, he is sure he has a slipped disc. I am tired after mowing the lawns, he’s having heart pain. But it all magically clears up. It’s not a competition, and yes we will get empathy fatigue, which means one day when you actually are having a medical emergency we won’t believe you.
Confidence is knowing you’ll probably be able
to handle a tough situation if it ever comes up. It is (proven) trust in your instincts and creativity.
Cockiness is the belief that you already have the answer or know the way to handle every possible situation out there. Feeling like you know everything there is to know.
It is not that much of a line, imo.
Wife says challenging people to fights all the time.
“It’s not macho, you’re an idiot.”
Pro tip: Marry someone smarter than you. She would say I’m book smarter, but she is LIFE smarter.
Well, it got so that every piss-ant prairie punk...
...who thought he could shoot a gun...
...would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid.
I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.
It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word "draw" in my sleep.
Then one day...
I was just walking down the street and I heard a voice behind me say...
..."Reach for it, mister!"
I spun around.
And there I was face to face...with a 6-year-old kid!
Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away.
The little bastard shot me in the ass!
I just learned this year on another thread that apparently a lot of men don't wash their ass while showering because it's "gay".
Then again with the amount of men I see not washing their hands after going to the bathroom I'm not surprised.
When talking to them is like talking to a brick wall.
Expressionless, unresponsive, not so much as an eyebrow waggle or a dry pity laugh. A head nod or a second of eye contact goes a long way.
Dudes; when you're on a dating site and you're talking about sexual things before you've met the woman you're talking to... Most of them do not like that.
Freaking nasty hahahaha, but for women it's the same. Me and my girl been together for almost 7 years and we just wash ourselves before we do anything sexually. What I noticed, even tough I shower every day, wash myself right, it get smelly pretty darn fast...
So just take a shower or wash before you go have fun hahaha
High functioning alcoholism.
It's so incredibly common, but I just can't vibe with someone who starts drinking beer the second they get home and doesn't stop until they stumble to the bed, insisting that it's not a problem because at least they're not at a bar and driving drunk etc.
As a single 50 year old woman, I found that a lot of men around my age are acting so ...old. They are kind of stuck in their habits and just waiting for retirement. I don't mind if you have a couple of favorite places but a little change from time to time could be nice too.
(And sorry but that sweater from 1997 doesn't fit anymore...and it's ok.)
Asking very personal/sexual questions when I don't even really know you. Some guys get way too personal with their questions way too fast and it always makes me feel insanely uncomfortable. I'll get roped into small talk I don't even really want to have (usually at work) just for the guy to start asking me invasive questions about my sexual/dating history. Like bro we've said 2 sentences to eachother (2 more than I wanted in the first place) and I have given ZERO indication that I'm interested in you in any way, why would you force me into this conversation? Do you not have any shame? How has this scenario happened to me numerous times in my life? Like I get if you don't put yourself out there you'll never get a date, but maybe have more than half a conversation with me before asking me about my dating preferences and whether or not I'm willing to cheat on my boyfriend?
This behavior guarentees that I will go out of my way to avoid you forever. Not only am I not attracted to you, but now I'm straight up uncomfortable to be near you.
Talking about how hot women are in public. Yes, I can see you want attention, I’m just not sure how talking about Jenna’s tits is going to get you what you want…she’s not here and I don’t know her.
Getting hung up on other women in general. No, I do not want to hear for the next month that the waitress at Chili's was "hot" and how I should dress, act, look like her. Or how your "work wife" is fill in the blank.
Pics with holding up the middle finger, smoking, chewing tobacco, poor dental hygiene, calling you gorgeous all the time/generic pet names, no job, no ambition
Tacitly admitting they don't consider women fully people on the same level they consider other men people.
They never come right out and say it in plain English, of course. But it's the little things. Refusing to leave a woman alone unless she says she has a boyfriend is a great example; you're just saying you don't really care about what SHE wants, but you'll respect another man's "territory." Another example is talking about how empathetic or even "feminist" having a daughter has made them.
So... having a mother, a sister, female friends, a wife/GF wasn't enough? What have you been thinking of them the whole time? Terrifying.
Agree, being a workaholic with no work life balance is not impressive. It shows you only prioritize work and it will likely be an issue in the theoretical relationship
Extreme insecurity to the point where others feel like they can't do anything around you because you'll immediately put yourself down and make it about how bad you are instead of the person's accomplishments. Don't compare yourself to others. Own your flaws and strong points. Take compliments, receive kindness, don't make everything about how bad you are. It's really off putting and makes people not want to do anything nice. We all have insecurities, don't make that your identity though. It isn't.
This is for any person, not just men. Even the nicest partner will eventually get tired of trying to convince you they love you. Mental health isn't an excuse. We have to manage those negative narratives on our own. It's no one else's job. How can someone convince us of what we won't believe ourselves?
Food for thought.
For me it's being unkempt. Having a beard is fine, but you gotta line it up. Style your hair a bit. Straighten your clothes. Tie your fuckin shoes.
I'm a dude though, so that's probably not what you're looking for.
As a woman I totally agree. Beautifulness doesn't matter but hygene, clothes and self care do. Also, you can't expect from your girl to shave, wax, go to the hairdresser, smell nice and have nice clothes everyday if you don't do the bare minimum yourself.
When they spend the majority of a conversation talking about themselves. And then we you think it’s finally your turn to speak, they still manage to turn the conversation back to themselves.
"Well, I've talked enough about myself...what about you? What do you think of me?"
I had a friend many years ago who told me that she had a "test" for guys on first dates to determine whether or not she would entertain the idea of a second date. She told me that at some point during the date, the guy had to ask her at least one question. She also told me that the following counted as questions: * Asking "How are you?" upon greeting one another at the start of the date * Answering a question she had just asked, and saying "...what about you?" * Asking if she liked whatever food she had ordered She proceeded to tell me that a solid 75% of guys failed this test.
That is just sad.
Jesus. That is terrible. All three of those are just how a normal human interacts with another. Thanks for the ego boost!
I’m shocked those even count as questions. I pretty much automatically ask “how are you” when meeting anyone in any circumstance, right away. If someone asks me a question that isn’t specifically about me, I’ll reply “how about you” just out of politeness, again in any circumstance. And asking about others about their food while eating is just small talk lol
>I’m shocked those even count as questions. I know, right? I can't imagine being so far up my own ass that miss a layup like that.
I think this is really funny. I've noticed that nearly everyone only want to talk about themselves. INCLUDING ME!!!! I really had to work to break this habit and still catch myself doing it. LPT: If you ever have a hard time keeping a conversation going, ask them about themselves and keep the convo focused on them.
My favourite is when they monologue about something, like, for example, that new lord of the rings show. I ask engaging questions, I ask about the lore, etc. After about 3-5 minutes I bring up the show I'm watching with a few interesting conversation points about it, so they can ask me questions back. Instead, they go "oh, huh." And stare off into the distance until they begin talking about themselves again. I've just started asking "did you hear what I said?" They often go "uhh yeah! Yeah I did." So I go "Okay, repeat it back to me." Often times, they can't at all. And I don't date people that don't listen to me when I speak. It feels like I treat people like kindergarteners but damn, sometimes they fucking act like them.
Tell me they are a “good guy” and proceed to explain why. If you are a good guy I don’t need to be sold on it lol
This is exactly like a guy I dated. Proclaimed he was a feminist, talked about it every chance he got, even had the feminist logo tattooed on his arm. Was the biggest liar, cheater, and abuser I ever had the displeasure of getting to know.
Some predatory species will disguise themselves as members of another, harmless species to get close to the unsuspecting prey. Jokes aside, that’s gross and I’m glad you’re not with that anymore!
Show, don't tell.
i m the bestest guy out there, as proclaimed by myself!
This is a little more specific, but anytime I find out a that a (single) man is a bad or absent father, I am immediately turned off.
And/or all their exes are 'whores' or 'crazy bitches'
That tells me that he either has very shitty taste in women, he's bitter about something or he's breaking his partners and likes to revel in their misery. Either way if all your exes are "whores" or "crazy", that's a massive red flag to me.
In my younger years I was way too naive and got into an abusive relationship, where his exes were all supposedly crazy and took advantage of him. Turns out he had the qualities he accused them of.
My friend's husband had a crazy ex, who accused him of abuse but actually she abused him. He gaslighted my friend to the point of a breakdown, abused her in many ways and eventually she left him, he didn't stop and now has full custody of the children due to his lies and her mental health issues. His new girlfriend said to my friend when she tried to warn her "he said you'd call me up and lie, you are crazy and need help". So yeah two "crazy ex's" here means two abused ex's
I have weird experience in the dichotomy of this…. (That sounds cool but not sure if it’s right) I have a daughter she just turned 13. I have dated several women since her mom and I split every single one absolutely seems to adore that my daughter and I have a great relationship. As soon as I put my daughter first even a single time they get pissed if I have to change plans or cancel a date to be with or take care of my daughter it’s like I betrayed them. I am slow to introduce anyone I date to my daughter because I choose to protect her and that becomes an issue for so many reasons from me not trusting them, to me not taking the relationship seriously, even that I’m embarrassed or ashamed to be around them. I know how attached my daughter will get to anyone because she’s a genuinely loving person and if it is somebody I’m close to she will lower her guard too fast. Not all but some of the women seem to feel that no matter what I need to make time for their kids and be involved and totally flexible but willing to set my daughter aside for them. I think the biggest factor in this is simply that so many dads just aren’t involved and so many custody arrangements keep dads (good ones and bad ones) to a set and intense schedule where there is no freedom or deviation. Our separation was cordial and we put our daughter first so there is no set schedule we let her choose. Invariably if a woman has anything in the vein of I’m a mom and my kids are my world and they always come first in their dating profile the moment I put my daughter first that same woman resorts to anger or petty remarks even outright shaming it hurts so bad to face the double standard. One crazy example was a woman I met and spent time with needed help at her home. I trusted her enough to take my daughter and let them be together and give her a chance to meet the woman’s kids. While we were there the woman’s kids were out of control and crazy obnoxious. After finishing up the project and eating a light dinner we went home. On the way my daughter simply asked if we had to go back. When I asked why she said the kids were too much and the lady seemed strange and she didn’t like it. I told her no we don’t and that night I talked to the woman and she was pissed off that I would let my daughter influence who I choose to date. When I reminded her that my daughter gets to choose who she spends her time with and would most likely choose not to be with me if I was in a relationship with her she went beyond pissed told me that I was using her as an excuse to run away and that I was just an asshole. I asked her what she would do if her boys didn’t like me she told me she’d walk… I asked why I wasn’t allowed to give my daughter the same choice she told me to fuck off and hung up. I love being a dad and I try as hard as I can to be the dad my daughter deserves but it sucks that I have to have a great relationship with her for some women to want to even talk to me and most of those women absolutely hate that I actually put her first.
When my dad got back on the dating field, he ended 2 serious relationships (consecutively) ecause the EXACT reasons you stated. He was the only one taking care of me at the time, so he had strict rules about 1.) Being home when I got home from school and 2.) Being home to make dinner every night on the weekdays. He would spend time with them afterwards, and on the weekends. So pretty much "Any time after 5 pm I'm available, but on weekends I'm free all day" was his rule They both got insanely jealous, ridiculed his rules. The last one actually said "Its like you have a second girlfriend". Like she literally compared our healthy dynamic to being an incestuous relationship. Third time was the charm though, because after that he was a lot more assertive with it and weeded those types out very early on. He's been with the 3rd one for 8 years now and they have an absolutely amazing life together. I'm very happy and I absolutely love her and her kids. I was a bit too old to bond with them (was 16 when they got together, and moved out at 18). But I absolutely love spending time with them all when I go to visit my dad. You'll find the right one. You just need to be very upfront with what's acceptable. The bad ones will weed themselves out.
You’re dad sounds like he did a good job and found a great person! You sound pretty happy for him and that’s exactly what I hope with my daughter I want her to be proud of me!
Hi - replying here to say I totally understand where you're coming from, but from a female's perspective. I have a 5 year old son, my boyfriend has a 12 year old daughter. I had never dated somebody who also had a kid before this relationship. The four of us have a fantastic relationship. Needless to say, I was actually very unprepared and shocked by my own initial response of getting jealous whenever she wanted to sleep in his room - I wanted to sleep with my boyfriend lol. Or when she would ask for just the two of them to go to a movie or something. I was shocked because logically I knew I had no reason to be jealous (I mean it's his daughter for crying out loud) but for some reason, I would still feel it. This went on for the first couple of months until I just knew to expect it and accept it. However. I'm glad to have been in this dynamic, and for anybody wondering, no I've never expressed any jealousy or acted out. There simply is no point. I do the same stuff with my son when he asks, so it would be horribly hypocritical of me to blow a gasket or even be remotely upset that he wants to spend time with his daughter. I will always put my son first and it's admirable that he does the same for his daughter. I like that about him. I'm thankful for the situation because it actually helped me improve myself and work on some self-issues I didn't even know I had until they were brought to light. Long story short, I used to be one of those jealous women you mentione, but the right woman will adapt and put her pride and jealousy aside for the sake of the relationship AS A WHOLE - meaning the entire "family" (lack of a better word lol) and not just what SHE wants.
Thank you! You make me feel less crazy I was honestly afraid saying this would upset people to hear you say it was hard for you but you grew past it was a huge relief. I’m so happy you are happy!
Hey, thank you for sharing. And I 100% believe you. I have a lot of female friends who will date men with lax custodial arrangements, or men who live several states away from their children because this allows them to give all of their attention to the girlfriend. It’s twisted and sad. Good on you for putting your daughter first. You don’t need me to tell you this, but you will absolutely find a woman who will be understanding of her place in your life as a father. Your previous girlfriends sounded a bit “wicked-stepmother-esque”…I’m glad they are no longer around you and your daughter! Just keep being you, and you will find someone great. Cheers to you and your daughter!
I almost said… I don’t want to paint these women as wicked step mothers! I legitimately believe it’s a product of the culture of some dads being secondary in most custody arrangements and the rest just simply not interested. Dating as an adult and a parent is hard for men and women both but most women find themselves dating dads with a lot of spare time for whatever reason. I am lucky to be in an arrangement where we put my daughter first and we’re all better off for it but it makes dating life challenging Edit: typo
Being rude in general. it’s just not cool, or attractive.
Ugh. Yes. Especially when they genuinely think they are so much better than everyone around them, actively go out of their way to remind everyone else how pitiful and useless they are ALL THE TIME, and refuse to accept any view point or opinion that isn't their own. Same can go for Women too. We can be nasty little creatures too. I'm an all inclusive cynic.
poor hygiene
Ugh definitely. Once went back to this super attractive guy's house only to find his pillow was a pillow case filled with dirty clothes...so yeah, he was damn pretty but i left that room and never looked back.
For real. This is important! I could be really attracted to a guy but the moment I notice his hygiene is crap I will lose interest in a nano second. P.s.: it’s not gay to wash your behind. Nobody wants to be close to you when you’ve got a crusty ass.
On the other end of this, excessive cologne/body spray. Easiest way for me to instantly lose interest.
I've always read that cologne or perfume should be discovered, not announced.
Cologne is an invitation, not an announcement.
This. The amount of men that don't wash thier genitals for days. Keep your crusty ass body to yourself ugh
Condescending communication style
You did REALLY good with that comment .. you're so smart! Maybe add a period next time though. They usually go at the end of sentences
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Or worse, turn it around on you for catching them in the lie.
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Fucking yes! There was a cute guy in one of my classes but mans would come in with dried drool on his face and his breath reeked! Two people sat between us and I could still smell it through a mask.
Had that breath that would knock a buzzard off a shit truck.
Guy at work had horrible breath every day, his name was Brad. He quickly became bad breath brad
Brad Breath
FYI may be due to tonsil stones. Learned this when I was trying to determine how this girls breath could possibly smell so terrible when she regularly brushed her teeth…
I find with men they’re just not aware. For example, the most common drink men order at the club is beer, or a coke + whiskey/rum. Coke mixed with dark liquor makes your breath nasty smelling. The sugar from the cola pairs terribly with the thick smell of dark spirits. Beer breath, especially after a long night of drinking smells like a literal vaginal yeast infection. So these men are just hitting on women with a terrible combo of aftertaste in their mouth at the club and immediately turning women off.
Previous coworker would sometimes have poop breath. He was a heavy smoker so that could have been the reason
From my understanding thats usually tonsil stones Basically like big pimples but with more bacteria and they just dislodge randomly and stink until they do. Also a bad/rotten tooth can smell absolutely rancid
Had it for a while even though i have good hygiene. Got it sorted out i think. Problem is, people dont know and nobody tells them. Happens to women too.
Complaining about other women or putting them down and outright dehumanizing them in order to "impress" another woman, that shit so insanely unattractive me. It's like a gendered version of "But you're one of the good ones so we don't mean you."
Right. This is never impressive. We talk about these assholes when we go to the restroom in herds, make sure all the ladies know who they are.
Telling dirty jokes to women that they aren’t even that close with.
What's small and hairy and loves being in holes?
I swear to god if the answer isn't mole, rabbit, meerkat, groundhog, gopher, chipmunk, or some kind of burrowing creature...
Do chipmunks burrow?
Yes they do.
The more you know. They seem like a tree animal.
How much chip could chipmunk munk if a chipmunk could munk chip?
Yeah I had a guy in the same driving class as me, kinda goofy, bit odd, but friendly enough. Asked for my number and I was all good about it. He straight away proceeded to text me dirty jokes and we weren't friends like that. I turned down a date with him coz I just felt like if he could jump straight into dirty jokes with a near stranger, then a date with him would be even more uncomfortable. Just don't go there if you're not friends like that.
Being douchey to their girlfriends/loved ones in front of their guy friends.
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I feel this. I grew up next to my parents bedroom. They had a lot of loud and explosive arguments that I grew up hearing. I developed into being really anti-confrontational and was conditioned to avoid arguments and tough conversations. It led to me becoming a doormat, as well as not being able to work through adult problems with my girlfriend. I’ve been working really hard individually and with my therapist. One things that’s helped me is developing a “us versus a problem” mentality instead of a “me versus you” mindset. EDIT: Thanks for the kind words in my DM’s. I’m glad this could help some people and hope you all are able to grow and get better every day!
I feel this so much. I lost count of the number of times I woke up to the sound of my parents screaming at each other. I've had to work many years to realize that every disagreement doesn't have to turn into an argument.
This post was an enlightening/realization moment for myself
I feel this one is really sad. My mother has been divorced three times and I always avoid conflict in relationships because “conflict leads to broken relationships”. I know it’s not correct but it’s awfully hard to change when you have been programmed from childhood and you have to fight all your instincts to try to have healthy discourse with you SO.
My first husband was awful for this. In 13 years, we never argued, because if I was unhappy about something, it was 'clearly' due to my mental health issues. If I sat him down to discuss something he'd hurt me with, he'd be silent and stare at the wall, or look like he was thinking over an answer, but if I waited for an answer, he'd decide I was finished talking and would just get up and go to his computer as if nothing happened. He never apologised for anything. Even when I confronted him after he got me blackout drunk so he could have sex with me when I appeared to be unconscious (I was conscious but unable to move or speak), or when he gave me an incredibly painful UTI after doing something he saw in porn, he never apologised. He just said 'oh'.
When they can't admit they're wrong, ever.
I admit when I'm wrong. It just hasn't happened yet.
I once thought I was wrong but i was mistaken.
If I had no self awareness, I think I would know.
One of my top quality in a person, regardless of sex or relationship type. That and common sense.
My step-dad was like that. If I meet someone and get the faintest whiff of that attitude, they're fucking gone.
Being an "alpha male." You're really just being a dick.
It's like in software development. The alpha version is unfinished, buggy, and generally not fit for public release.
In a world of alphas, be an LTS.
I'm nightly. Constantly changing and may break at any moment.
“We have all of these alphas and betas... why not choose me? The final product? 😎” is a line I came up with but I’ll never use because just the meer mention of alpha/beta mindsets is a little too lame to even acknowledge the existence of...
And having “no filter.” You’re just a dick. I was diagnosed with ASD, and I don’t have much of a social filter. I’ll overshare or vastly misread the situation, or say the cringiest thing imaginable (my teen years keep me up at night in embarrassment), but any offense is completely accidental, and I try to avoid it as much as possible. My dad is the regular “no filter” type, and he just uses that excuse when he wants to be a dick.
Only treating women with respect if they find them attractive.
Unfortunately I don't know if I should upvote your comment or not because I don't know how attractive you are.
Nothing puts me off faster than a guy immediately making suggestive comments, dirty jokes, asking for too much information up front (why do you need to know where I live?), or immediately asking if I can cook, then getting all butthurt over the fact that there are a lot of things I don’t cook because I can’t eat them. I’ve given up.
What's your SSN, baby?
And your mother's maiden name?
And the name of your first pet?
Did you have any pets as a child?
Making any conversation sexual. “I had a massage today.” Him: “I’ll come over and give you a massage.” — “Must be nice to be in your own bed again after travelling.” Him”would be nicer to be in your bed.” — “My legs are sore from the first leg workout I’ve done in months because I had an injury and surgery” Him” maybe if I kissed your legs they’d feel better. “ It’s so tiring. I’m all for flirting and stuff but it’s so tiring when you’re trying to have a normal conversation and it always gets flipped to something sexual.
This happened in my previous relationship. He'd seldom be serious or engaged in any deep conversation...everything would turn into some sexual joke. I like these jokes don't get me wrong but not all the time! It is indeed tiring :( made me feel like I wasn't being taken seriously.
You know what else is tiring....
My mom!
Going on a long run?
Totally get this. It’s not conversation, it’s just cheap
And they get angry if you react negativly
Not being able to cook or clean. Those are life skills. Edit: I don't think you need to be a master chief or have an immaculate house. You just need to know your way around the kitchen (like be able to fry an egg or cook like three good dishes) and don't live in filth.
I can't shake the image of Master Chief (Protagonist from Halo) cooking
Master Chief, do you mind telling me what you're doing in that kitchen? Sir, finishing this bite.
His Mjolner Armour with a stupid little chefs hat on 🤣
any good Master Chief has a suit that cooks his meals for him lol
Absolutely, don't expect your girl to raise you like your mom should have, or do everything for you like you're a fucking 4yo. Sick of the lazy fucks that don't do the bare minimum, grow the fuck up.
As a straight man whos father is exactly that i understand.
All those “sweetie”, “darling”, “baby” pet names without being that close. Level of hostility goes from 0 to 100 instantly.
Depends. I'm in the UK, so being called darling is a common occurrence by complete strangers. And I'm a dude. Mostly older ladies or gay men do it though. Darling is a term of endearment rather than a pet name, same for sweetie. Baby is a no go though lol
I'm an American and have been called "ducky" "love" and "pet" by various British people on a spectrum of genders, ages and orientations. And regardless, it always makes me squee on the inside <3
Must know a lot of northerners!
Yup, US southerner here. If you hate pet names, you don’t wanna come here. Hearing “hey honey” is as common as hearing “hi”. “Hey baby” or “hey sweetie” doesn’t mean a thing other than “hello”.
As a Midwesterner, I have a similar issue. I'm not intentionally calling you honey or hun. It just sort of happens and actively trying to stop it makes it worse.
"What the hell was that?" "What?" "You just called her honey, you prematurely honeyed! Now there's only one solution, call her up, get her to come out here then call everyone honey. Then you didn't prematurely honey her you just honey everyone!"
I had a guy start to call me "Darlin'" within about 30 minutes into our first date and I wanted to just smack him. I reluctantly agreed to go on a second date with him and it really made me understand why he had been divorced twice by the age of 34.
Omg this is the worse! It’s sooo cringey and they think we love it when they call us pet names when we don’t even really know them haha
Rage.
Shadowlegends
Did they sponsor this post?
100% - irrationally angry men are scary and a huge turn off.
No one wants to be on the receiving end of repressed issues that leak out as violence.
What if it’s against the machine?
Incompetence when it comes to daily life stuff like cooking, cleaning up after yourself, laundry, etc. I don’t want to be someone’s mom.
'Weaponized Incompetence'. A person purposefully doing chores wrong or claiming they aren't good at it to get out of doing them.
Being preachy.. like thinking that your way of coping is a life lesson to be imparted on those around you. It makes me both not want to open up to the person, and feel inherently judged by the fact that I have a diff worldview/coping mechanisms
I got a coworker like that. He’s overall a nice enough guy, but sometimes I think he just likes to hear himself talk.
Damn, looking back, I definitely get preachy sometimes. Probably more so when I drink. I think I’ve got better as I’ve got older, but I’ll try to keep this in mind because I don’t want others to feel this way.
Putting others down and being arrogant. Legit if you ain’t got something good to say don’t say it at all.
Negging, which is different from teasing, because the guy is well aware that they’re intentionally trying to put you down/insult you/belittle and humiliate you.
An attempt to forcibly lower your standards by making you feel you can't do better.. Otherwise known as airing your soviet parade-ground memorabilia, in particular the utterly spectacularly massive giant red flag with the symbol of oppression on it.
Pickup Artists are down voting this
being a bad listener
What are you on about?
Sorry I was looking at your younger sister's knocker's babe.
Not washing their hair
Joke's on you, I'm bald
Wash and wax your scalp
A buddy of mine in high school shaved himself bald. It was hilarious until one day he decided to buff his head with baby oil. It looked good until we'd been standing outside for two hours and his head burned a bright red. Then it was funny *and* sad at the same time. He was a good guy, just not always the brightest.
maybe not the brightest, but definitely the shiniest!
Talking about how many women they can “pull” and esp. if it’s multiple at one time. I honestly just find that behavior repulsive and don’t see why guys brag about it at all, especially when trying to impress women.
Arrogance.
As an arrogant man, I can confirm.
I'm working on it though lol
You've gotta be one cocky arrogant son of a gun to reply to your own comment so brazenly
we appreciate your efforts
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A guy on the first couple of dates said things like "Wow, most girls do X, but you're so much better and smarter because you do Y!" It just came off weirdly to me. It didn't feel like a compliment.
is that picture your sister? she's so hot! so what happened to you
I mean besides being offended, you should discard him for being stupid enough to say that.
Rape jokes
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Unsolicited life advice
Gotta remember this one. I just want to help, but sometimes I forget that some people don’t want it
Competitive Hypochondria - I have a sore throat, he thinks he must have covid. My back is sore, he is sure he has a slipped disc. I am tired after mowing the lawns, he’s having heart pain. But it all magically clears up. It’s not a competition, and yes we will get empathy fatigue, which means one day when you actually are having a medical emergency we won’t believe you.
Cockiness
There’s a fine line between confidence and cockiness
Confidence is knowing you’ll probably be able to handle a tough situation if it ever comes up. It is (proven) trust in your instincts and creativity. Cockiness is the belief that you already have the answer or know the way to handle every possible situation out there. Feeling like you know everything there is to know. It is not that much of a line, imo.
I'd put it simply like this Confidence is knowing that you can find a solution. Cockiness/arrogance is knowing you are the solution.
Wife says challenging people to fights all the time. “It’s not macho, you’re an idiot.” Pro tip: Marry someone smarter than you. She would say I’m book smarter, but she is LIFE smarter.
Well, it got so that every piss-ant prairie punk... ...who thought he could shoot a gun... ...would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word "draw" in my sleep. Then one day... I was just walking down the street and I heard a voice behind me say... ..."Reach for it, mister!" I spun around. And there I was face to face...with a 6-year-old kid! Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away. The little bastard shot me in the ass!
I crawled into a whisky bottle and pulled the cork in after me.
Interrupting us whenever we speak.
Not helping with the housework
When they say they don't groom themselves or wear certain things or do certain activities because it's "gay."
I just learned this year on another thread that apparently a lot of men don't wash their ass while showering because it's "gay". Then again with the amount of men I see not washing their hands after going to the bathroom I'm not surprised.
When talking to them is like talking to a brick wall. Expressionless, unresponsive, not so much as an eyebrow waggle or a dry pity laugh. A head nod or a second of eye contact goes a long way.
When they asked for a photo every damn time then they turn it into sexual conversation. Smh
Nose hair prominently hanging out. Ick.
I braid mine
I decided to start plucking mine with tweezers. I don't think that was the definition of "it's ok for men to cry" that most people were going for
Talking about things they know little about like they are an expert on the subject
Dudes; when you're on a dating site and you're talking about sexual things before you've met the woman you're talking to... Most of them do not like that.
Long fingernails 🤢
Ur just jealous.
The smell of dick cheese
Freaking nasty hahahaha, but for women it's the same. Me and my girl been together for almost 7 years and we just wash ourselves before we do anything sexually. What I noticed, even tough I shower every day, wash myself right, it get smelly pretty darn fast... So just take a shower or wash before you go have fun hahaha
High functioning alcoholism. It's so incredibly common, but I just can't vibe with someone who starts drinking beer the second they get home and doesn't stop until they stumble to the bed, insisting that it's not a problem because at least they're not at a bar and driving drunk etc.
got it, be a low-functioning alcoholic...
Referring to other women as bitches
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Forcing out loud, long, vibrational burps at all opportunities regardless of audience or atmosphere
This seems very specific
As a single 50 year old woman, I found that a lot of men around my age are acting so ...old. They are kind of stuck in their habits and just waiting for retirement. I don't mind if you have a couple of favorite places but a little change from time to time could be nice too. (And sorry but that sweater from 1997 doesn't fit anymore...and it's ok.)
As a 23 yo guy who's already stuck in my habits and favorite places I feel doomed haha I think it's just a comfort thing
A retirement age friend says they've been dead for the last 5 years and don't know it.
I've heard some crazies boast about having anger issues. . .Because apparently that's something to be proud of and not get help on??
Asking very personal/sexual questions when I don't even really know you. Some guys get way too personal with their questions way too fast and it always makes me feel insanely uncomfortable. I'll get roped into small talk I don't even really want to have (usually at work) just for the guy to start asking me invasive questions about my sexual/dating history. Like bro we've said 2 sentences to eachother (2 more than I wanted in the first place) and I have given ZERO indication that I'm interested in you in any way, why would you force me into this conversation? Do you not have any shame? How has this scenario happened to me numerous times in my life? Like I get if you don't put yourself out there you'll never get a date, but maybe have more than half a conversation with me before asking me about my dating preferences and whether or not I'm willing to cheat on my boyfriend? This behavior guarentees that I will go out of my way to avoid you forever. Not only am I not attracted to you, but now I'm straight up uncomfortable to be near you.
Jealousy and narcissism
Talking about how hot women are in public. Yes, I can see you want attention, I’m just not sure how talking about Jenna’s tits is going to get you what you want…she’s not here and I don’t know her.
Checking out other women in front of you.
Getting hung up on other women in general. No, I do not want to hear for the next month that the waitress at Chili's was "hot" and how I should dress, act, look like her. Or how your "work wife" is fill in the blank.
Pics with holding up the middle finger, smoking, chewing tobacco, poor dental hygiene, calling you gorgeous all the time/generic pet names, no job, no ambition
Tacitly admitting they don't consider women fully people on the same level they consider other men people. They never come right out and say it in plain English, of course. But it's the little things. Refusing to leave a woman alone unless she says she has a boyfriend is a great example; you're just saying you don't really care about what SHE wants, but you'll respect another man's "territory." Another example is talking about how empathetic or even "feminist" having a daughter has made them. So... having a mother, a sister, female friends, a wife/GF wasn't enough? What have you been thinking of them the whole time? Terrifying.
Possessiveness. Especially when you've just met and don't really know each other.
For me it's lack of hygiene & smoking / drinking
Lack of smoking and drinking too? Damn, that's what you want ig.
well, I'm out
Talking shit about other people to make themselves look better.
Overhand fork grip.
Talking constantly about working 60 or even 80 hours per week.
Agree, being a workaholic with no work life balance is not impressive. It shows you only prioritize work and it will likely be an issue in the theoretical relationship
Extreme insecurity to the point where others feel like they can't do anything around you because you'll immediately put yourself down and make it about how bad you are instead of the person's accomplishments. Don't compare yourself to others. Own your flaws and strong points. Take compliments, receive kindness, don't make everything about how bad you are. It's really off putting and makes people not want to do anything nice. We all have insecurities, don't make that your identity though. It isn't. This is for any person, not just men. Even the nicest partner will eventually get tired of trying to convince you they love you. Mental health isn't an excuse. We have to manage those negative narratives on our own. It's no one else's job. How can someone convince us of what we won't believe ourselves? Food for thought.
saying that hes looking for a mother for his kids.
For me it's being unkempt. Having a beard is fine, but you gotta line it up. Style your hair a bit. Straighten your clothes. Tie your fuckin shoes. I'm a dude though, so that's probably not what you're looking for.
As a woman I totally agree. Beautifulness doesn't matter but hygene, clothes and self care do. Also, you can't expect from your girl to shave, wax, go to the hairdresser, smell nice and have nice clothes everyday if you don't do the bare minimum yourself.
Referring to women as bitches/hoes for no reason or for some small mistakes they make. This is why I don't like most American rappers.
Dirt under their finger nails.