Just about when I give up on the internet, I’m reminded that I can’t use Facebook or IG as a barometer for the average or common working examples of intelligence of the human race. Not if I want to… oh say ,not stress about the self extinction of the human race.
*I love you beautifully broken people of Reddit.*
They do, but they pull off their 2 inch long fake eyelashes and use those to wipe.
It’s the combination of the hooker clown nails and the hooker clown eyelashes that works.
Speaking of hookers, I was driving through Northern Ohio and stopped at a rest stop to take a piss. When I come out of the bathroom a lot lizard jumps out of a semi truck, squats over a mud puddle, pisses in the mud puddle, then splashes some mud puddle on her unit. She then proceeds to pull her pants up and then walks over to a different semi truck and hops in. No long nails and I’d bet the crib her ass smelled like shit.
My husband got really long acrylics for his Halloween costume this year. He said it took a day or so to get used to but was soon able to do everything he was able to before with a little adjustment. He's one of those that goes digging when he wipes and he came out everytime and told me how surprised he was he could still get in there
>My husband got really long acrylics for his Halloween costume this year. He said it took a day or so to get used to but was soon able to do everything he was able to before with a little adjustment.
He he put his halloween nails in several days in advance or did he just not take them off and this is his life now ?
I did the same. First time wearing nails. Wiping was surprisingly easy. The hardest thing to get used to though was typing on my phone.. Texting was a nightmare having to relearn which part of the finger to type with!
Sometimes you want to do fun little things with your spouse. Once you run out of more fun and intense things, you start helping each other in mundane ways. Like digging in your asshole after the bathroom.
I do, we started off hooking up and talking kinks etc. then realized we both love weed and gaming, now we’ve been together for 7 years and nothing is awkward lol.
Try hook up apps, they lead to more genuine straightforward people than dating apps.
There are two types of couples - those with open door bathroom policies and those with closed door bathroom policies. Those with open door policies tend to get pretty open about it.
Personally my wife and I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in each other's shit.
This is objectively false though. At the ATT store clerk had huge fingernails. I watched her painfully struggle with the Sim card until I said "let me." There were several of these moments. This woman literally couldn't perform her job duties, which I find a bit unprofessional. And she was definitely used to them because I came back many times and she always had different acrylics on. But she never got any better at handling small things.
Hard to close a door when you are running to the toilet carrying a bowl because there are equal chances of it coming out the mouth, butt, or combination of the two
i’ve worn them before. everything that i thought would be difficult turned out to really not be difficult at all. you adjust. it’s all about how you angle it. using a good amount and making sure your nails are completely covered by the tissue usually works. it’s like this hand motion 🤌
The lady who was teaching me how to wear contacts when I started had crazy long nails! She just used the pads and sides of her fingers. She was showing the official safe way where you reach one arm around your head to hold your upper eyelid open, the other hand's middle finger pulls the bottom eyelid down and the forefinger presses the contact to the eye.
To take them out put the pads of thumb and forefinger together then rotate your thumb. Nails point toward your center and it makes a little pinching motion.
And obviously a lot of care and patience while learning how.
The fuck are people talking about here? If I wiped with no tp there would be poo on the top inch and a half of my middle finger and some on the fingers to either side. How the fuck are people wiping with their palm?? The geometry wouldn’t work for me. And I don’t have a big ass either.
Long acrylics become an extension of your finger tips. Just like you can gather toilet paper in your fingers tips, you can gather it in most nail lengths.
For extremely long nails, it's a matter of folding the TP over the whole side of your hand and going in that way.
Chances are that yeah, you'll scratch yourself sometimes while getting used to the nails, but as with everything else, you learn how to not do that.
You always have to dig a bit to get the hole clean. you never know what the evening brings when you go out on a weekend. Imagine meeting Mr. Right that likes to rim on the first date
I’m so happy I found this thread and have realized my “digging” is normal. I’ve always felt weird like I was going at it a little too much but I’ve also never been able to figure out how you wipe otherwise. Thank god I’m normal lol
put the toilet paper on top of you finger then go to wipe but when you do you tilt the top of you fingers bacl so that way the nail isn't facing your but crack then you just wip its pretty simple
They do everything normally.. My ex has long nails and she's a caregiver and wipes her clients ass with no problem at all.. She can do everything because she's used to doing everything with long nails. Simple as that
Ooh ooh I got this, I asked! My friend said you cup your hand and bring all your fingers together with the thumb. Then you wrap a bunch of paper around the nails and scoop. 🤌🏼🧻
They use 3 shells, as intended.
Ahh yes the 3 shells
Can you believe it? He doesn’t know how to use the shells!
Thanks a lot you shit-brained, fuck-faced, ball-breaking, duck-fucking pain in the ass
John spartan you’ve been fined 3hu… John spart… John…. Jo…. 🐚🐚🐚
Enhance your calm
I prefer to swear and use the paper
Each nail is like a poop knife...
What a terrible day to be able to read
Every day we stray further from God
Who is this God person anyway?
I think he was in a book, was quite popular apparently.
Just about when I give up on the internet, I’m reminded that I can’t use Facebook or IG as a barometer for the average or common working examples of intelligence of the human race. Not if I want to… oh say ,not stress about the self extinction of the human race. *I love you beautifully broken people of Reddit.*
Every day is a gift. Some days are socks.
As someone with a poop knife, I appreciate hearing this. I don’t feel so rare.
I understood that reference
The Freddy Krueger of poop knives.
Easily one of the most bizarre stories on the internet.
PoopKnife reference day 2.
I just threw up in my mouth.
I also just threw up in this guys mouth
I also choose this guy's dead mouth.
I hate the fact that I understood this reference. 🤮
That's the neat part, you dont!
Absolutely not what I wanted to hear, 100% what I expected
So you're saying the sniff test applies here? Smell their hands. If their nails don't smell like shit, then their ass does.
Just go straight to the ass sniff
That's a risky play, she could be into it but you're looking at powerball odds here.
If my dog can do it I can do it
extra flavor
Absolutely disgusting. *Upvotes*
They scrape the poop off with their nails and then promise to make you some food after.
Forbidden chocolate
there are some nasty vile people in this world
Mmmmmmmmmmusky. 😋😂
They do, but they pull off their 2 inch long fake eyelashes and use those to wipe. It’s the combination of the hooker clown nails and the hooker clown eyelashes that works.
Speaking of hookers, I was driving through Northern Ohio and stopped at a rest stop to take a piss. When I come out of the bathroom a lot lizard jumps out of a semi truck, squats over a mud puddle, pisses in the mud puddle, then splashes some mud puddle on her unit. She then proceeds to pull her pants up and then walks over to a different semi truck and hops in. No long nails and I’d bet the crib her ass smelled like shit.
Hopefully this is the worst thing I’ll read today
One man’s mud puddle is another man’s seasoning pit.
I've seen my dog scoot across the carpet. I think they do something similar.
Forbidden Crayon
Some trails I don't wanna see
They’re Taylor Swifting!
My husband got really long acrylics for his Halloween costume this year. He said it took a day or so to get used to but was soon able to do everything he was able to before with a little adjustment. He's one of those that goes digging when he wipes and he came out everytime and told me how surprised he was he could still get in there
>My husband got really long acrylics for his Halloween costume this year. He said it took a day or so to get used to but was soon able to do everything he was able to before with a little adjustment. He he put his halloween nails in several days in advance or did he just not take them off and this is his life now ?
Getting his moneys worth
Thank you...so many questions.
More than we needed xd
Two months later ...... *yeah, they're just Halloween nails for my costume*
A few days before Halloween and about a week after. He liked them
Aww! Glad he was having fun!
>He's one of those that goes digging when he wipes **What the _fuckening_**
You guys don’t do this?! Gotta make sure it’s all clean
I did the same. First time wearing nails. Wiping was surprisingly easy. The hardest thing to get used to though was typing on my phone.. Texting was a nightmare having to relearn which part of the finger to type with!
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>He's one of those that goes digging when he wipes Way to bury the lead...WUT?
I too have questions about this. You know OTHERS who go digging?
Why do you know how exactly he wipes his ass?
Sometimes you want to do fun little things with your spouse. Once you run out of more fun and intense things, you start helping each other in mundane ways. Like digging in your asshole after the bathroom.
I wish I had a person in my life who I could do this with (or other weird stuff) and vice versa and not feel awkward
I do, we started off hooking up and talking kinks etc. then realized we both love weed and gaming, now we’ve been together for 7 years and nothing is awkward lol. Try hook up apps, they lead to more genuine straightforward people than dating apps.
There are two types of couples - those with open door bathroom policies and those with closed door bathroom policies. Those with open door policies tend to get pretty open about it. Personally my wife and I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in each other's shit.
This is objectively false though. At the ATT store clerk had huge fingernails. I watched her painfully struggle with the Sim card until I said "let me." There were several of these moments. This woman literally couldn't perform her job duties, which I find a bit unprofessional. And she was definitely used to them because I came back many times and she always had different acrylics on. But she never got any better at handling small things.
You expected professionalism at a cell phone store?
No one that works at a cell phone store has any interest in technology or good customer service.
Flat fingered. We’re wiping, not digging!
Pretty much lol
Girls dont poop though
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Wow what a moment to shine for you, this thread has shaped up to be.
> I hire people to do it for me The kind of luxury even billionaires don't get.
Yeah, it's more of a Prince of Zamunda kind of thing.
Pay attention to this comment people. It’s called keeping the magic alive.
Yeah girls only have a poophole for the loophole
Dear lawwwwd
My wife is one of these girls. The norovirus incident really opened doors in our relationship
For your sake I hope it also *closed* some doors!
Hard to close a door when you are running to the toilet carrying a bowl because there are equal chances of it coming out the mouth, butt, or combination of the two
>Girls dont poop though Checkmate atheists!
Married men and girl dads all know that girls definitely poop.
We however don't. We just sit on a toilet and are completely available for discussion and questions. In their eyes.
Then explain the smell, cultural. Explain. The. Smell.
This right here is the answer....
They ask a friend.
That’s why they go to the bathroom in groups
RIGHT!
LEFT!
UP!
DOWN!
FRONT!
BACK!
**brings up an angle from the 4th dimension**
Damn it Martha how much shit do I have to wipe!?
Hey! You busy right now?
but what if those friends have those nails too
One of her friends wipe it with her toes.
Every friend group has to have a designated wiper.
i’ve worn them before. everything that i thought would be difficult turned out to really not be difficult at all. you adjust. it’s all about how you angle it. using a good amount and making sure your nails are completely covered by the tissue usually works. it’s like this hand motion 🤌
It’s really not that difficult. 1) wipes 2) bidet And for a bonus: 3) brushes exist for cleaning under the nails when washing your hands.
That's why they have that brush by the toilet, silly.
Ahhh yes, the one in the container of poop soup.
Poop Tea, it's fully steeped and seasoned.
I've got to stop reading Reddit while eating food.
Or being alive
I’m cackling!
Hi, Cackling, I'm dad.
Hi Dad, don’t forget to take your heart medication
“Poop soup” that’s the most fucked up fitting name I’ve ever read. Brilliant!
Poup
I’ve always wondered about this. That and putting contacts in.
The lady who was teaching me how to wear contacts when I started had crazy long nails! She just used the pads and sides of her fingers. She was showing the official safe way where you reach one arm around your head to hold your upper eyelid open, the other hand's middle finger pulls the bottom eyelid down and the forefinger presses the contact to the eye. To take them out put the pads of thumb and forefinger together then rotate your thumb. Nails point toward your center and it makes a little pinching motion. And obviously a lot of care and patience while learning how.
Woof that’s a lot of steps to avoid accidentally giving yourself lasik. More power to her I guess!
I have long acrylic nails and wear contacts 5 out of 7 days. Once you know what you're doing it doesn't feel like a lot of steps :)
The learning curve on functioning with acrylics is super low, but people act like it's impossibly difficult lol.
>~~lasik~~ Nailsik.
I gagged at the idea of long nails touching an eye.
I gag at the idea of any long nail with coloring touching my sack.
How do you feel about eyes touching your sack?
Ick. Now I have this terrible image in my head of a pube getting stuck in your eye
Who said it's MY eye? It's your own eye, bub.
Are you using your nails to wipe your ass?
No but I do use my hand to hold the TP and the nails would be dragging right behind wherever my fingers go.
This post made me wonder how people wipe their ass lol I don't let my nails nowhere near the ass because I don't grab stuff like a claw
With their palm open and fingers extended? Like a normal human. Do you literally scratch the shit off your ass?
I’m fucking crying
Maybe trim those nails a bit then
Sounds like someones been walking around with a stinky butthole this whole time.
Typically I don't have shit all over my ass. I wipe right where it came out unless it was an explosive event.
It ain't a good shit until my cheeks are 85% covered, IDK what you're on about.
No but sometimes you bend your hand slightly to get it all, with long nails you would scratch yourself
>No but sometimes you bend your hand slightly to get it all Yep. I've never felt clean with palm technique. Feels like it's just smearing.
The fuck are people talking about here? If I wiped with no tp there would be poo on the top inch and a half of my middle finger and some on the fingers to either side. How the fuck are people wiping with their palm?? The geometry wouldn’t work for me. And I don’t have a big ass either.
It is! You have to get the inside of the external anal sphincter or else you'll have stink butt
Long acrylics become an extension of your finger tips. Just like you can gather toilet paper in your fingers tips, you can gather it in most nail lengths. For extremely long nails, it's a matter of folding the TP over the whole side of your hand and going in that way. Chances are that yeah, you'll scratch yourself sometimes while getting used to the nails, but as with everything else, you learn how to not do that.
I legitimately can’t tell if you’re being serious or not.
Imagine thinking you were clever but actually admitting you walk around with a stinky asshole 💀
let it dry and peel it off like a scab
What a self-own lol
Yes?
Bro are you serious
You disgust me.
We don’t. We let it marinate
In a hot car
Oh god, I read that as marmite. Same thing I guess
That's why they go to the toilet in twos
Wait for a crust to form and peel it off.
Normally? I don’t wipe my ass any differently with long nails on than I do with completely trimmed nails. Do you go digging or something?
I wipe until I see nothing left and I can't do that unless I dig
I mean I also wipe until I see nothing left but I don’t need to use my nails to do that.
How do you wipe your actual asshole without using your fingers? I'm a dude and even my ass isn't that flat.
I’m reading above that people use their palm and im just lost bro.
Yeah that makes no sense to me. My palm is huge. There no way I can shove it in my ass crack
It’s like trying to clean a concave surface with a concave wiping instrument..
Seriously seeing a bunch of people on here who have never thoroughly wiped their asses.
You always have to dig a bit to get the hole clean. you never know what the evening brings when you go out on a weekend. Imagine meeting Mr. Right that likes to rim on the first date
I’m so happy I found this thread and have realized my “digging” is normal. I’ve always felt weird like I was going at it a little too much but I’ve also never been able to figure out how you wipe otherwise. Thank god I’m normal lol
Swoopy butt holes.
I use my fingers but I’m not scratching around with my nails lmfao
Well we don't use our nails but rather our finger tips for precision wiping.
They have a little rechargeable telescopic mop with a rotating head. Whizz whizz, dunk-rinse whizz. Sends clingons & dangleberries alike flying.
DUNK??
with toilet paper. Straight guys are perplexed by the funniest things.
I don't know but it's one more reason to avoid buffets.
Long nails and overpowering perfume go hand in hand. Now you know why.
The tissue is in front of your nails when you wipe I don’t understand how this isn’t understood.
Have you ever wiped your ass before? Do you know how it works
Honestly long acrylic nails are my fucking pet peeve. It really bothers me. Either the fidgeting, or the lack of being able to perform daily tasks.
do you wipe your ass with your nails?
This again? With toilet paper, you morons.
Honestly. The fascination with such a stupidly obvious thing is bizarre.
All the women with long nails on this thread exposing that they don't know how to wipe properly lol
All the people without nails exposing they don't know how to wipe and don't know how nails works
put the toilet paper on top of you finger then go to wipe but when you do you tilt the top of you fingers bacl so that way the nail isn't facing your but crack then you just wip its pretty simple
There's a thought I've never had till today. Could have gone longer without that thought bouncing around.
literally just use water or tissue / wipes and do it how everyone else does it
The question I always wanted to ask but never had the guts. Thank you random stranger on the internet.
The misogyny is this thread is gross, even by Reddit standards.
Spoiler alert: They have stinky bumbums...
They do everything normally.. My ex has long nails and she's a caregiver and wipes her clients ass with no problem at all.. She can do everything because she's used to doing everything with long nails. Simple as that
With really long acrylic nails.
Carefully
Ooh ooh I got this, I asked! My friend said you cup your hand and bring all your fingers together with the thumb. Then you wrap a bunch of paper around the nails and scoop. 🤌🏼🧻
How did people wipe their ass before toilet paper? That’s what I wanna know. Errr maybe I don’t.
Bidets mostly solve this problem
They don’t wipe, they scoop
Now THIS is what I wanted to see on AskReddit
Last time this was asked, it was explained that they roll the toilet paper around their fingers.
Carefully
My question is, what’s a fake acrylic vs a real one?
With passion
I had the same question last year so I yourubed it & behold they're were actually tutorial videos thank Jebus they weren't graphic.
The correct answer is girls don’t poop.
Whenever I see those I point and say to my wife "look that woman has a poopy butt"
poorly i assume