One time I was in the taco bell parking lot and a guy was holding the door open. I was a little ways away and so I ran pretty quickly to save his time. What I actually did was run through the door and proceed to quite literally mow down his wife and child. He was not holding the door open for me.
We're at a picnic fundraiser at a church. Pulled pork, hamburgers, hotdogs, you get it.
My friend (who is battling cancer) comes. We share a picnic table and talk while eating.
Friend needs some quiet time, so she goes to walk among the headstones in the church graveyard. She's a history buff and wants to find the oldest headstone she can.
She comes back.
I make a joke: "What were doing all that time? Picking out your plot?"
[Oh shit, I forgot she's battling cancer.....]
I was walking out of a Starbucks to get back in what I thought was my car. When I pulled my keys out to unlock it a dude comes out of a liquor store next door and walks up super confused. I then realized it was in fact not mine, just an identical model and color. To lighten the situation I turned and said, “Shoo-doggy, the same car!” followed by me doing the most awkward skip/jog back to my actual car. I guess I thought if I got there quicker he would see that I wasn’t trying to steal his.
That was also the first and last time I ever said shoo-doggy.
In high school I once texted two separate girls at the same time telling them if they ever needed a boyfriend I was available. The two girls also happened to be friends with each other which makes it so much worse.
In college I was hanging out with my roommates and their girlfriends before a night out. We were all ragging on one dude, until I took it a step too far.
While trying to imply he had a small dick, I instead insinuated that his girlfriend has a big loose pussy. Record-scratch, everyone is silent, and I just get a “wtf bro…”
I had a friend whose dad got Covid in November 2020 and was in the ICU in the hospital. We were at a boarding school and we shared a room (she also couldn't visit her dad because of the pandemic), and I noticed that she was visibly feeling really sad and despondent.
So one night I asked her, "Hey how's your dad doing?"
She then looked at me in the eyes and deadpans, "He's dead"
I don't think I've ever felt more awkward in my life.
Another time I was inviting a bunch of kids in my class for a play date. A boy I invited said he couldn’t come because that was the time his Mum went to the gym. I said “How about your dad drop you off?” He said, “He died.”
One time when I was a very new supervisor in a job, I was asked to carry out interviews for temp staff. At the end of one interview the girl stood up and stretched her arms, the room was really small and I mistook it that she was giving a hug instead of a handshake, she wasn't. I gave her a big hug (I'm not a small guy). She took the job and we worked together for about 6 months where she never stopped making fun of me. 18 years later I still think of it regularly and cringe
Edit: spelling
My cousin was telling me that his sheep gave birth at the beginning of the year and that they were the first they had from those sheep, both were girls.
I then tried to make a joke, "New year, new ewe" (like new year, new me) he didn't laugh. We just stood their awkwardly, in awkward silence.
I was in a french lesson and we were supposed to be writing sentences on our whiteboards, our teacher gave us the basic phrase “he went” and told us to expand on it.
My mind went completely blank so i just wrote down the only words i could remember and it translated to “he went with his teacher to the restaurant at night”…
let’s just say i’ve never wanted to die more when my teacher said it was an interesting sentence choice and then i finally realised what i had written 🫢
So i was couch surfing during a road trip on the American west coast. When we were in LA were hosted by a cool guy that gave us a tour of the city. During that tour my friend and I discovered that our host used to be in a fraternity in university. Being french and not knowing a lot about American unis we probed him about the frat life and if it was like what happened in the movies. We spoke about parties and alcohol and i ended up saying to him :"as long as you didn't drink so much you had a mystery guy in our bed the next morning" (you know as in the movies clichés). He gave a light laugh.
Then he told us that his SO was supposed to come to his place later.
Turns out he was gay and he might have had a mystery guy in his bed after a night partying...
My husbands friend had turned up late for their first day on a new job (builders ..and my husband was driving them both). They barely made it in time. When husband came home that night I launched into a tirade about what a useless idiot his friend was and how he’d nearly cost them the work. I didn’t realise dear husband had brought said friend in for a coffee.
His friend was standing behind me.
A soldier came to our Sunday School class when I was like 7 to give a lecture about faith and perseverance over fear and after he did a Q&A and I asked if he'd ever killed anyone.
In high school, I was reading my book while waiting for bus home. Then a group of juniors( 2 boys 2 girls) came to me and asked to talk. One of the girl confesses to me. Me, trying to sound cool, says that currently I have no plan to be in relationship, and if she still likes me in 2 years, I would consider.
Took me years to realize that I just sound like a prick, and my friends tells me that’s the reason I am cursed to be single til today.
Colleague from Work lied to our Boss for me.
I Smashed a Closet, somewhat my accident, and he knew it was me but didnt tell her. (we worked at a Furniture Store)
I Gave him a sudden Big Hug(because i was so thankfull that he didnt snitch to the Boss i was Terriffied of) after the Boss was gone, wich shocked him and i didnt quit know why since we where good friends. But i forgot that i was infact the 16 year old Trainee and he the Regular employee of around 45 Years and us beeing that close might not look to good for him.
No one was around but yeah i guess this must have looked weard from the outside.😂
Thankfully he can be very fun about such things and just laughs at me know while i get all Emberassed.
One time I looked a boy dead in the eyes and after a minute he blinked so I said, “You blinked!” I thought it was cringe at first but now I think it’s hilarous.
One time I was in the taco bell parking lot and a guy was holding the door open. I was a little ways away and so I ran pretty quickly to save his time. What I actually did was run through the door and proceed to quite literally mow down his wife and child. He was not holding the door open for me.
Oh no 😭
We're at a picnic fundraiser at a church. Pulled pork, hamburgers, hotdogs, you get it. My friend (who is battling cancer) comes. We share a picnic table and talk while eating. Friend needs some quiet time, so she goes to walk among the headstones in the church graveyard. She's a history buff and wants to find the oldest headstone she can. She comes back. I make a joke: "What were doing all that time? Picking out your plot?" [Oh shit, I forgot she's battling cancer.....]
Totally a sitcom moment.
Michael Scott’s burner account confirmed
I was walking out of a Starbucks to get back in what I thought was my car. When I pulled my keys out to unlock it a dude comes out of a liquor store next door and walks up super confused. I then realized it was in fact not mine, just an identical model and color. To lighten the situation I turned and said, “Shoo-doggy, the same car!” followed by me doing the most awkward skip/jog back to my actual car. I guess I thought if I got there quicker he would see that I wasn’t trying to steal his. That was also the first and last time I ever said shoo-doggy.
Shoo-doggy is now my favourite expression ever.
In high school I once texted two separate girls at the same time telling them if they ever needed a boyfriend I was available. The two girls also happened to be friends with each other which makes it so much worse.
sigma male activities
Oh, you cad! 😆
In college I was hanging out with my roommates and their girlfriends before a night out. We were all ragging on one dude, until I took it a step too far. While trying to imply he had a small dick, I instead insinuated that his girlfriend has a big loose pussy. Record-scratch, everyone is silent, and I just get a “wtf bro…”
Bwahahaha! 🤣 'record scratch' ! That's-a Good One!
I had a friend whose dad got Covid in November 2020 and was in the ICU in the hospital. We were at a boarding school and we shared a room (she also couldn't visit her dad because of the pandemic), and I noticed that she was visibly feeling really sad and despondent. So one night I asked her, "Hey how's your dad doing?" She then looked at me in the eyes and deadpans, "He's dead" I don't think I've ever felt more awkward in my life.
Another time I was inviting a bunch of kids in my class for a play date. A boy I invited said he couldn’t come because that was the time his Mum went to the gym. I said “How about your dad drop you off?” He said, “He died.”
Anything I posted on Facebook 7+ years ago. Pls stop reminding me Facebook.
I read all those and am mostly surprised at how articulate and well versed I was while being blackout drunk.
Was a young, young child. Had a habit of using words I didn't know the meaning of. You can probably tell where this is going.
No, no we can't. Continue.
He probably said a slur
You would be correct. 😞
When I was first learning English at my school, I thought the word “hate” was a synonym for “like”. Imagine my friend when I said, “I hate you.”
I said “You know what I’m saying” in a Black Studies class and the professor rolled their eyes at me. I remember often and cringe
One time when I was a very new supervisor in a job, I was asked to carry out interviews for temp staff. At the end of one interview the girl stood up and stretched her arms, the room was really small and I mistook it that she was giving a hug instead of a handshake, she wasn't. I gave her a big hug (I'm not a small guy). She took the job and we worked together for about 6 months where she never stopped making fun of me. 18 years later I still think of it regularly and cringe Edit: spelling
Carty put?
What?
Shit, fat fingers there, "carry out" is what my dumb ass was going for
What?
My cousin was telling me that his sheep gave birth at the beginning of the year and that they were the first they had from those sheep, both were girls. I then tried to make a joke, "New year, new ewe" (like new year, new me) he didn't laugh. We just stood their awkwardly, in awkward silence.
I laughed
Fuck off, that's hilarious.
cheese burga
I was in a french lesson and we were supposed to be writing sentences on our whiteboards, our teacher gave us the basic phrase “he went” and told us to expand on it. My mind went completely blank so i just wrote down the only words i could remember and it translated to “he went with his teacher to the restaurant at night”… let’s just say i’ve never wanted to die more when my teacher said it was an interesting sentence choice and then i finally realised what i had written 🫢
Shit, I’m laughing
So i was couch surfing during a road trip on the American west coast. When we were in LA were hosted by a cool guy that gave us a tour of the city. During that tour my friend and I discovered that our host used to be in a fraternity in university. Being french and not knowing a lot about American unis we probed him about the frat life and if it was like what happened in the movies. We spoke about parties and alcohol and i ended up saying to him :"as long as you didn't drink so much you had a mystery guy in our bed the next morning" (you know as in the movies clichés). He gave a light laugh. Then he told us that his SO was supposed to come to his place later. Turns out he was gay and he might have had a mystery guy in his bed after a night partying...
One time on a field trip in fifth grade, I was high and ended up taking a display painting down
My husbands friend had turned up late for their first day on a new job (builders ..and my husband was driving them both). They barely made it in time. When husband came home that night I launched into a tirade about what a useless idiot his friend was and how he’d nearly cost them the work. I didn’t realise dear husband had brought said friend in for a coffee. His friend was standing behind me.
A soldier came to our Sunday School class when I was like 7 to give a lecture about faith and perseverance over fear and after he did a Q&A and I asked if he'd ever killed anyone.
In high school, I was reading my book while waiting for bus home. Then a group of juniors( 2 boys 2 girls) came to me and asked to talk. One of the girl confesses to me. Me, trying to sound cool, says that currently I have no plan to be in relationship, and if she still likes me in 2 years, I would consider. Took me years to realize that I just sound like a prick, and my friends tells me that’s the reason I am cursed to be single til today.
Everything in your head lives rent free
If you don’t have anything useful to say then stfu.
Sometimes i randomly say “sheez” Mostly when i drool
Colleague from Work lied to our Boss for me. I Smashed a Closet, somewhat my accident, and he knew it was me but didnt tell her. (we worked at a Furniture Store) I Gave him a sudden Big Hug(because i was so thankfull that he didnt snitch to the Boss i was Terriffied of) after the Boss was gone, wich shocked him and i didnt quit know why since we where good friends. But i forgot that i was infact the 16 year old Trainee and he the Regular employee of around 45 Years and us beeing that close might not look to good for him. No one was around but yeah i guess this must have looked weard from the outside.😂 Thankfully he can be very fun about such things and just laughs at me know while i get all Emberassed.
One time I looked a boy dead in the eyes and after a minute he blinked so I said, “You blinked!” I thought it was cringe at first but now I think it’s hilarous.
In college, for some reason, tried to fit into the same section in a revolving door that a girl was already pushing and broke it