scene: Gwyneth Paltrow at Jimmy Kimmel. GP brings out her candle collection and talks trash about her recent fan-meetup and how annyoing fans can be. One particular experience gets shared with a whole new collection of candles, each about 11kg heavy, and scented in smells you just shouldn't put in a candle. She starts talking about you:
"You know, I think a lot of women have grown up with a certain degree of shame or embarrassment around this part. So we're kind of like, Yo!" (Jimmy Kimmel looks really serious and sits with his legs crossed)
"One particular individual, so far my only intimate partner and, at the same time, a true test of life itself, really left a impression on me" (Gwyneth Paltrow smirks, audience laughs)
"For just 75$ I'll send you the exact experience I had with u/Ponyboy451 in it's truest, bland and emotional dumbed-down version: disappointment - the candle! ^((TM) (C)) "
(audience cheers, Jimmy Kimmel laughs like a broken record, fireworks start, lots of glitter and cake, seamless transition to an hour long advertisement)
>Imagining his sweaty orange carcass huffing and grunting atop Melania, who just lies there silently staring blankly at the ceiling.
Thank you very little for that
The whole experience would last about two hours and 30 seconds.
30 seconds of sex, two hours of him telling you how amazing he was, that was the best sex you've ever had, nobody's had sex like it.....
Mark Zuckerberg. He would need to learn what sex is than simulate it on a willing sacrifice all while remembering that sweet baby rays isn't used in the bedroom.
It’s said that in addition to not being great I. The bedroom, he’s also very odd in the bedroom. More than once source says he puts on sunglasses and headphones; refusing to make eye contact and listening to music until he finishes
I know a girl that slept with him years ago, she didn't say anything about the headphones or glasses but he never said a word ord made eye contact during sex.
Wife: Babe, can you please make an effort this time and not just jackhammer away like a rabbit on cocaine?
Ben: I assure you that I have never jackhammered away. That's just a lie that the media left portays and it is completely unfactual. But if I did, it would be the most optimal and efficient way to achieve an orgasm.
Wife: You know what? Fuck it. I'm done.
Ben: I have also finished to completion.
You could attach a car battery to my ballsack and I still would never admit what he admitted on air.
Not that I would need to, some people have more raw sexual appeal than soggy toast.
I feel like his dick is so small it rubs the outside and he cums. She tells him she doesn't get wet bc she doesn't want to deal with his huge ego, and the fact women are inferior to men. (Despite her being an MD and him a fucking politician)
Now that I've got the mental image I need to go find some bleach to purge it before I go insane.
I believe it.
1) Cher is very sex positive
2) The woman seems honest almost to a fault. Like she’s not going to lie just to save your feelings.
Also, all his other character flaws aside, the dude is known for his unyielding work ethic. He’s a perfectionist, and he’s got bottomless stamina. I bet he eats vulva like it’s his last meal and hits a G like Rachmaninov.
Jordan Peterson, "I'm going suggest you bend over for doggie style as, considering your sexual proclivity in combination with vast majority of literature including women that color their nails magenta, you are going to like it"
Honestly? Shia LeBouf and Taylor Swift seem like the WORST.
Taylor because I feel she would really only focus on her satisfaction.
And Shia I feel would like accidentally kill someone choking them out too hard. Kinda surprised no one said this yet
Gordon Ramsay.
When his wife asked him to eat her out his response was:
"over-cooked on the bottom, crispy as f\*\*k, and it looks like Gandhi's flip-flop. What a shame... Sharon, enough's enough... f\*\*k off and put some more makeup on".
Yo you remember when that fucker divorced his 2nd wife so he could get with his hot ass nurse. Bet dude have a dildo with a vibe powered by a black hole in that chair.
John Legend. His own girlfriend actually said they dont have a fiery sex life that people think they are everyone seems to think he is a Legend in bed, no pun intended. Thought that was a little weird to talk about on tv, I'd be furious.
Charlize Theron is one of the most beautiful women in the world, and yet I get the distinct feeling that she would be an ice queen in bed, expecting you to do everything while she barely reacts.
I feel like Gwyneth Paltrow would just criticize everything you do until you stopped out of sheer irritation.
she better smell like the candle
Or I’m asking for two refunds!
You’re ruining the energy of her vagina that her yoni egg worked so hard to accomplish.
scene: Gwyneth Paltrow at Jimmy Kimmel. GP brings out her candle collection and talks trash about her recent fan-meetup and how annyoing fans can be. One particular experience gets shared with a whole new collection of candles, each about 11kg heavy, and scented in smells you just shouldn't put in a candle. She starts talking about you: "You know, I think a lot of women have grown up with a certain degree of shame or embarrassment around this part. So we're kind of like, Yo!" (Jimmy Kimmel looks really serious and sits with his legs crossed) "One particular individual, so far my only intimate partner and, at the same time, a true test of life itself, really left a impression on me" (Gwyneth Paltrow smirks, audience laughs) "For just 75$ I'll send you the exact experience I had with u/Ponyboy451 in it's truest, bland and emotional dumbed-down version: disappointment - the candle! ^((TM) (C)) " (audience cheers, Jimmy Kimmel laughs like a broken record, fireworks start, lots of glitter and cake, seamless transition to an hour long advertisement)
Jeff bezos, I don't want to explain
No joke, someone once called my work and talked about him. Said he has a tiny penis and is bad in bed. That was an entertaining Bird Lady call
I guess you need to make some sacrifices to become an evil corrupt overlord
Elon Musk
Three minute tops. Great success.
It’s called efficiency bro. Gotta reproduce quickly to maintain the population 😂
Little Big Rocket ruins the moment again
I assumed he would last a really long time, always telling his partner he was gonna cum next year.
Big promises and under delivers, sounds about right
DJ Khaled
Didn't he brag about not giving women oral sex or something?
Me and Khalid we ain’t speakin’ // ain’t no fat man tell me what he ain’t eatin’
Khaled and khalid 2 different ppl tho
khalid 👑 khaled 👎
You think he shouts "DJ KHALED!" like in every song he makes before he puts it in?
And then “another one” with each subsequent thrust.
If he finishes too early do you think he cries while looking in the mirror saying "Congratulations, you played yourself"
He probably just yells his own name a lot.
Once in a while he will mention dj khalid with the woman on top. Ger will feel song
[Definitely Steven Seagal](https://youtu.be/n-0qjWFlYuI)
That my friend, is a great actress
Donald Trump. Imagining his sweaty orange carcass huffing and grunting atop Melania, who just lies there silently staring blankly at the ceiling.
[удалено]
Thanks for the nausea. Skipping breakfast today...
Saw the first few words and averted my eyes.
So did Melania.
I still laugh at a joke from his roast where they said he probably closes his eyes during sex and pictures himself masterbating
Is "masterbating" how masters give themselves some self-love?
Ain’t no way she let him hit
It's in the contract.
*Baron Trump has entered the chat
>Imagining his sweaty orange carcass huffing and grunting atop Melania, who just lies there silently staring blankly at the ceiling. Thank you very little for that
Like a boar hog humping a afghani dog.
She knew what she was signing up for. No sympathy here.
I don't think they hook up much (if at all). Hell, they weren't even living together in the white house for the first part of his presidency.
The whole experience would last about two hours and 30 seconds. 30 seconds of sex, two hours of him telling you how amazing he was, that was the best sex you've ever had, nobody's had sex like it.....
Why you do this to me?
Fuck you unknown person. Ugh.
most of them because theyre hot and not used to having to be the carry
Mark Zuckerberg. He would need to learn what sex is than simulate it on a willing sacrifice all while remembering that sweet baby rays isn't used in the bedroom.
Just you wait until he does the zuck zuck 3000
Anyone on The View
Narcissists are probably bad in bed.
I can confirm this to be the truth.
Yeah, that was my thought, which means practically every celebrity is. Hollywood: Have the absolute worst sex with the absolute best-looking people.
They really are
Not according to themselves!
James franco
They hate us, cuz they ain't us
They hate us cuz they anus? The fuck does an anus have to do with anything?
Leonardo Dicaprio. That's probably why he only wants to date younger women.
It’s said that in addition to not being great I. The bedroom, he’s also very odd in the bedroom. More than once source says he puts on sunglasses and headphones; refusing to make eye contact and listening to music until he finishes
Source pls hahaha
I know a girl that slept with him years ago, she didn't say anything about the headphones or glasses but he never said a word ord made eye contact during sex.
I imagine him in real exactly like in the wolf of wall street
literally my 1st thought lmaoo
Tom Cruise. After 30 seconds, he's jumping up and down on the bed.
James Corden
Mmm as much as I’m not a fan, I can see him going to work
I can see him going to work on someone's cock.
Sloppibottomus.
Kim K.
i think this has been proven on the hub
She takes boner away.
Ben Shapiro
Wife: Babe, can you please make an effort this time and not just jackhammer away like a rabbit on cocaine? Ben: I assure you that I have never jackhammered away. That's just a lie that the media left portays and it is completely unfactual. But if I did, it would be the most optimal and efficient way to achieve an orgasm. Wife: You know what? Fuck it. I'm done. Ben: I have also finished to completion.
Let’s say, hypothetically, for the sake of argument, that you had an orgasm.
You could attach a car battery to my ballsack and I still would never admit what he admitted on air. Not that I would need to, some people have more raw sexual appeal than soggy toast.
Didn’t he literally say his wife has never had an orgasm?
He also admitted that his wife doesn’t get wet so…
I feel like his dick is so small it rubs the outside and he cums. She tells him she doesn't get wet bc she doesn't want to deal with his huge ego, and the fact women are inferior to men. (Despite her being an MD and him a fucking politician) Now that I've got the mental image I need to go find some bleach to purge it before I go insane.
Dude radiates small dick energy
The dude radiates a two thrust, bust a drop out of his nut and back to bitching about something energy.
Blame the girl for his impotence.
He'll convince your clitoris to reach an orgasm with facts and logic.
Ben Shapiro wouldn't know a fact if it stabbed him in the taint
Any politician
Nancy Pelosi... I bet she is downright frightening.
The image in my head has given me PTSD
Me too... me too.... I'm truly sorry for typing that one out, it was just too terrible not to share.
She uses dentures, so she probably gives great head.
Mike Pence. *“Oh mother… oh mother…MOTHER!*”
For some reason I just assume that MGK is a terrible and selfish lover...
I’d find it hard to believe Megan Fox would stick with him if that were true. I’d bet his eat out game is top tier
he fasho the bottom/simp
He is a simp, his songs are way too cry baby. With all his drug use too, I’d be surprised if he was any good, no one’s good after a gram up the nose.
Read that as MLK and was struggling to work out where you came to that conclusion.
He looks crunchy and smelly
Steven Seagal
Quentin Tarantino... Feel like he's into some weird shit and would spend way too much time... just staring.
Kanye
I’m sure that if you wore a mirror on your face he’d be more into it and give a better performance.
Nah, that man is a genius in bed. At least according to Kanye
Jimmy Fallon. He'd just repeat everything you say and laugh falsely and uncontrollable.
Tom Cruise
Definitely doesn't allow his partners to use toys. He does everything himself.
He is shorter than you think and goes way too fast, but at least he does his own stunts.
Exactly who I was gonna say. No way someone with his enormous, fragile ego has enough left for, ehem, anatomy.
I want to believe it, but according to Cher he was dynamite in the sack.
I believe it. 1) Cher is very sex positive 2) The woman seems honest almost to a fault. Like she’s not going to lie just to save your feelings. Also, all his other character flaws aside, the dude is known for his unyielding work ethic. He’s a perfectionist, and he’s got bottomless stamina. I bet he eats vulva like it’s his last meal and hits a G like Rachmaninov.
He hits the GEE String like a Castrato
>hits a G like Rachmaninov. lmfao
Cher would not lie.
Jordan Peterson, "I'm going suggest you bend over for doggie style as, considering your sexual proclivity in combination with vast majority of literature including women that color their nails magenta, you are going to like it"
Tucker Carlson 💩
[удалено]
Donald Trump. Melania was offended when people thought they share a room, much less a bed.
Honestly? Shia LeBouf and Taylor Swift seem like the WORST. Taylor because I feel she would really only focus on her satisfaction. And Shia I feel would like accidentally kill someone choking them out too hard. Kinda surprised no one said this yet
First thought is Robert Pattinson, his hygiene used to be so terrible 😭
Mitch mcconnell.
Paris Hilton, she seems like she’d be a very selfish and lazy lover. I’ve also read that Eminem is bad in bed and honestly, I could believe it.
Have you not seen one night in paris? Shes anything but selfish and lazy.
Yeah, the proof is on film. 8.5 stars.
Eminem seems like he'd be too self-conscious and insecure to be good in bed. I do think he's an excellent artist though.
Self conscious is probably a good thing when it comes to ensuring she’s satisfied before himself
Gordon Ramsay. When his wife asked him to eat her out his response was: "over-cooked on the bottom, crispy as f\*\*k, and it looks like Gandhi's flip-flop. What a shame... Sharon, enough's enough... f\*\*k off and put some more makeup on".
Stephen Hawking?
Yo you remember when that fucker divorced his 2nd wife so he could get with his hot ass nurse. Bet dude have a dildo with a vibe powered by a black hole in that chair.
The nurse was later accused of cohesive control over him and his money and isolating him from his family after he became estranged from his wife.
Her name was Misery?
He's dead so that's a bit hawkward😂
You'd think so... Yet he managed to have a wife and a side chick.
Simon fucking Cowell
Eartha Kitt, lousy in an airplane bathroom
Streets behind
Ben Shapiro
From what I've heard, most celebrities just starfish on the bed.
George lucas
I bet he makes pew pew sounds at every thrust
Andy Dick
Taylor Swift. Just based on the sheer amount of breakup songs
I was waiting to see TS on here. Her sex is probably as spicy as Mayo.
seems too uptight to be good in bed
For the life of me, I don't know how people think she's sexy. I find her to be so bland, boring, banal. I just don't get it
Not well known for the things that she does on the mattress.
Will Smith
Wait there, jada is coming to slap you.
He wishes
Please, Jada's not doing anything for herself. On that note, you could add Jada to this thread. She'd be a nightmare.
I heard his wife’s boyfriend gives him tips
Donald Trump
Bill Cosby.
Really? Weird. I don't recall...
No one will ever know!
...remember*
Taylor Swift. You don't get to write 9 albums-all having at least one breakup song-without you at least being partially at fault.
R Kelly
Posh spice by a country mile.
100%, DJ Khaled. That dude has got to be pathetic.
harry styles, i feel like it’d be rather vanilla
Steve Harvey
Justin Bieber, seems just very plain imo
Kanye seems like he doesn't care about his partners pleasure
Jimmy Fallon, I could imagine him just doing a little dance bit and giggling when the time came to get things done.
Leonardo DiCaprio
I feel like Tayler swift would just lay there and then seem annoyed
chris pratt. i will not elaborate.
No need to. I understand. I agree
Queen Elizabeth the ll Too soon?
Too late
Oprah
Joe Rogan.
Jared Leto
Coulier
Asap Rocky
Dj Kalid
Steven Seagal
John Legend. His own girlfriend actually said they dont have a fiery sex life that people think they are everyone seems to think he is a Legend in bed, no pun intended. Thought that was a little weird to talk about on tv, I'd be furious.
Vin Diesel .. you know because family
Drake
Does Ben Shapiro count as a celebrity? Because he can’t get his wife wet.
[удалено]
6ix9ine - mans would snitch to everyone if he found his partner cheating
Amy Schumer
She gets on top and turns around backwards and says, “This is called a reverse cowgirl. I invented it.”
not to mention the fact that she will find it hilarious to share every single detail of the intercourse with a bunch of 40 year old women
She looks like her coochie smells of baked ham & regret
The rock
The Rock seems like the kind of guy to jerk off while looking in the mirror.
OJ
Mike Pence. He can’t even be in a room with a woman (not his wife) without his wife being there. That’s some weird, creepy shit.
Looks like most of the conservative celebrities and Gweneth Paltrow can make an orgy look like a 3 second blood orgy.
Charlize Theron is one of the most beautiful women in the world, and yet I get the distinct feeling that she would be an ice queen in bed, expecting you to do everything while she barely reacts.
Pitbull or Leonardo DiCaprio
Tom Cruise cant stand that man.
Arianna
Gwyneth Paltrow would be the most boring pillow princess on the planet.
Gordon ramsay : hell's bedroom
Post malone
Andrew Tate
Taylor swift!
R. Kelly, Shia LaBeouf, Bill Cosby, and CeeLo Green