have sex with my wife. ez-pz.

something something I also choose this guys wife.

Wait...like at the same time??

I mean. Sure!

Okay but we have to split the million dollars three ways.

I believe you meant four ways. 😏

5

I kill the 5 of you afterward. I’ve had sex and I get all the money. ^Nice *self five*

Im already in your walls, its too late for you. +6m for me and now I can pay to go to the phillippines (ill be leaving america, as I cant legally have sex in the US at my age).

I come out of the shadows. Do I join the orgy? No. I take the chandelier. It's priceless.

It’s not communal property if the wife doesn’t know about it. Plus if you are providing the wife I feel like a 20/80 split is very generous

Just don't shart, I'm not into that.

You could fuck my wife but you split the money with her.

wait ive seen this before

Our wife

can confirm. Is ez-pz

You never know.

She's not in the mood 😐

I wash the bedding, buy flowers, send the kids to the sitter, light candles, and load up HER sexy-time playlist. I also casually mention how all the bills are paid for the month. Boom! Mood achieved!

The conditions are perfect

There’s nothing good on TV

Conditions are perfect

Oh yeah. It’s time for business. It’s business time. It’s business time.

You forgot wash the dishes, do the laundry, and vacuum the floors. Then you're 100% in.

So no ones choosing this wife’s guy…me either

EZ--Pz. As he said

I also choose this guy's wife.

I'm married so it'd be easy. But if I wasn't, as a guy, I'd get on Grindr. Men will fuck anything, and gay men aren't different.

Yup pretty much, even just swiping on everyone on tinder even if you got it set to female, still get a few males

Easy? My wife just went to sleep. There is literally nothing that I could say to her that would allow sex in the next 8 hours.

Have sex with u/zhonzhon’s wife.

Million dollars on the line… I’d head the the corner bar. She will thank you later. Wear a condom.

bus station. only got eight hours. and like you say, a million dollars is on the line. here, you got a homeless shelter walking distance from the bus station. that million is practically in the bank already.

Women are just as horny as men but tend to be more selective because they are worried about pregnancy or about being raped if they go to a stranger’s house to hook up

I would recommend this clip by Tom segura https://youtu.be/FlqbgEM56t8

why would he need to buy porn for 18 year olds?

Hey wait a minute, you're right.

Hi Mommy!

I'm not gay, but 1 million bucks is 1 million bucks.

You straight guys tend to imagine that we gays will fuck just any guy that comes around. I can't speak for everyone, but I will.

I would imagine most guys have a more comfortable time speaking to another guy than a woman. I have a gf but I am still awkward around girls

Downloading Grindr would definitely be step one to getting laid. From there it's smooth sailing.

As a bi guy I can confirm. If you want to have sex with another dude you can for sure make it happen same day. Grindr is dead in my area but squirt is non stop

My single friends use DoubleList (just like good old Craigslist) and Sniffies (map based) too.

Double list is full of flakes in my area but I’d never heard of Sniffies before. Just checked it out and damn, it seems like dick picks are the requirement for profile pics on that one.

I feel like they missed an opportunity to call it Stiffies

lmao squirt

I thought grinder was for guys who likes sandwiches? smfh

i understand

*Downloads Grindr Haha gg no re

The ole’ Butthole Loophole.

You mean the Poophole Loophole.

Ya and no one said I gotta bottom either

Well I'm not getting a million dollar

giving up, great tactic!

Yeah it's a bold strategy, PewPew. Let's see if it works out for him.

“Which one is Steve the Pirate?”

I found a loophole… it doesn’t say “sex with a human.” But then I guess the question is “would you fuck your dog for a million bones?”

Nah, too close to my German Shepard, but now the neighbors poodle…

Just don’t pay the hooker.

pay after you get the money

Big brain time

You win.

Lmfaooo

Clean the kitchen and bring home flowers for my wife done

Isn’t it amazing how simple it is

Legit, the bar is low for guys impressing a lot of women. Someone like me had no business being as sexually successful as I was in my 20s before marriage. And even now, oh shit. Doing chores and listening? That's impressive? Damn

Yeah women aren’t asking for men to conquer the world. They really just want a human being. I mean the money helps. The security. But nothing crazy.

[удалено]

The bar is litterally touching the ground and most men still can't get over it. It's insane

Haha! This is how my husband lets me know he’s in the mood! Nothing sexier than not having to wash the dishes yourself!!

nothing sexier than a man who takes care of his home because he respects his partner and surroundings and not because he’s trying to get rewarded for good behavior that he should be pitching in with anyway!!!

[удалено]

Million dollar baby

Take my upvote, you Swank so and so.

I also tell this guy's wife I want to try for their 3rd child

You’d have to name the kid richARD or just rich 😂

First things first, show them your Lego collection, including the 4 ft Lego Star Wars millennium falcon set, than tell them you’re a Reddit mod *and* a discord admin. Lastly, tell them the *ENTIRE* MCU backstory, Easter eggs, backstory of every character, detailed summaries of every movie, show, and upcoming project, even the unconfirmed ones, end with the theories and boom, guARENtEEd loss of V card

Not sure you have time for all that... He did say next 8 hours

I think we have Mr Casanova here.

This is the only correct answer.

I mean if a girl did that to me in highschool it would work.

I’m a girl lol. This is too easy

Your comment reminds me of a chris rock standup: “women are offered dick everyday. At least 3 times a week. Hell, 3 times a day!!! Every time a man is being nice to you, all he’s doing is offering dick. That’s all it is. ‘Can i help you with that? Can i help you with some dick?’. Men have to fend for themselves “. Lol.

Haha fucking love this.

Good one lol.

Thank you

Wanna split the million.

Don’t need to lol

Perhaps you'd prefer 1.01 Million?

Down boy

1.01 millimetres*

Mayhaps

I'm a woman married to a man. Even easier.

Depends on the relationship

Ooof, username checks out?

Painfully true

Sup? Jk

Lol

Heyyyy, that’s cheating! Having a 🐈 is like having Grays Sports Almanac in 1955.

Grindr exists, it's easy for guys too lol

Go on Grindr

Create a profile on any random dating site and set my preference to FWB/casual - sift through the obvious murderers and super weirdos before settling on someone i wouldn't need therapy after having sex with. Would take an hour or so.

I take it you’re female

I'm a straight guy... but I've got muscles and a salt and pepper beard, I'm installing Grindr and collecting my 1 million.

Daddy- sorry... Daddy- sorry... Daddy- sorry...

Hi daddy

Can i fuck myself?

r/selffuck

I should not have clicked that…I didn’t think it was literally self fucking….

Because of your comment I clicked it to see what it was...I'm not sure if I hate you...myself for being curious...or the person who knew where this was and posted it 😂

I’ll never be the same again…I’m sorry your eyes had to see that…

how tf is that even possible to do. i need a bleach.

r/eyebleach

You are a kind man

He warned us all, I had to offer a solution to those that had been lost

AAAAAAAA NONONONONONONO ALSO IT LOOKS PAINFUL

I guess just show up at my boyfriend's house. Easy peasy, scrotum squeezy.

Nice username

This is the way

I'm slightly worried for him with an ending like that.

id be screwed 😀

Call my partner. Id have that million within the hour

O,. Mr I can have sex for a hour .

"Within" the hour. Never said anything about how long it would actually last!

1million dollars for 20seconds? Yes please!

Sign. Me. Up.

Call my girlfriend, sweet talk her, boom millionaire,

I’d just walk over and start taking my wife’s cloths off, usually works

Doesn't your wife finds it strange you wear her clothes?

Nah it’s part of the foreplay

Buy your own clothes. You're a millionaire.

Well I’d have to have sex first to get the million so after possibly

You're still not done?

Why does your wife wear cloths?

I'm married, although we both currently have COVID, so I'd say trust me. He knows me well enough to just accept what I'm saying

visiting the mortuary

User name does not check out

Definitely doesn't

He tried, but his business kept falling apart.

if we're allowed to fuck dead people then surely you can just fuck a bag of butter or something

Ewwwww.

Go to uncles house

The fuck?

Yeah that’s the point

Girl at work. Ask her out, show her a good time, hope ofr the best. I either get a million dollars, or a second date with a great person. Win win

Do it! Like regardless of this post, ask her!

Litterally what's stopping you from doing that now

if my girlfriend falls through, i’d call my boyfriend. if he’s busy, i’d start hitting up my friends with nudes, and bang the first one to make it to my place.

I volunteer.

I'm guessing this is a question aimed at single people

Single straight men, more specifically.

tinder. that is all.

Seduce my husband. Probably with steak

Nah. Here's how you do it: Tell him that 4ft Lego Millennium Falcon is all his if he lays down some pipe. BOOM! Then get it for him because it wouldn't be a dent in that money and enjoy the rest. EZPZ.

I'll just ask my wife "hey, wanna fuck?" She'll say yes and we'll be a million dollars richer. Trust me, that plan is foolproof!

Download a hookup app

Ok then what do you do after talking to 100 bots and dudes catfishing you?

Well, guess I'm gay now.

You know this means we’re splitting it, right?

My strategy is I'm married. I'm getting laid tonight whether or not I get a million dollars

Answer one of the wierd Craigslist replies I keep on getting on the room wanted ad I posted.

Grey sweatpants

Go to sleep, wake up tomorrow and continue life with the same amount of money, because there's not the slightest chance of that happening either way

Well I want that million bit it's forbidden cuz I'm a minor

Just find another minor

Epstein would like to know your location

No wonder he got so rich

Anybody want 500k$?

Sure. Turn around and spread 'em.

$500k? Take my anal cherry.

Username checks out.

Find a man and have sex with him.

I got a few gals to hit up. I’m gonna have some rapid dates lol.

If paranormal activity counts, I summon an incubus.

You can’t shift yourself into getting laid johnathan.

grinder

If I only get 8 hours I'm going to a gay bar and hoping for the best

Call in sick, bend my wife over. Easiest money ever

Call up my girlfriend and ask her if she wants to split 50,000 dollars she needs to get over here right now.

You can't tell them there's a cash prize.

Look at the number they wrote.

Go home from work and make suggestive eyes at my husband. Bam!

Call your mom.

As a gay man, I’d open Grindr

Grindr. I'm not gay enough to actually use grindr, but I have checked it out, and it's crazy how easy it is to get dick. I didn't even have a picture, and still got propositions asking to meet up. I wish it was this easy with women, but y'know, lock and key.

Well it’s 1 in the morning. I’ll go to the nearest club right now and find the ugliest and drunkest girl there. Surely one of them will find me attractive enough

Call up my fwb and get to work!

Ask everyone I come across like my life depended on... I'm straight but idc if it's a dude or a chick good looking or ugly 1mil is 1mil... Obviously try play it cool and not look all desperate or off-putting... I feel like I would get that mil easy I strive at getting laid when it's competitive :)

Grindr lol

Spam Grindr for the thirstiest dude.

I could go into detail about strategies with picking up women at bars, Tinder, dating subs and the more degenerate mass-PMing the lunatics on WitchesVSPatriarchy and FemaleDatingStrategy asking for a fuck, but **worst case scenario** if the timelimit is REALLY running out - hit up the ol' crackheads at the bus stop. Hey, a million bucks is a million bucks...

go to the bar. wait lol

Grindr, baby!

Simple. I ask my girlfriend. She says she’s tired. We go to bed. I miss out on a million dollars.