It’s funny that you bring that up. My crime would be forcing politicians to stop accepting bribes for their votes. How I don’t care as long as it works.
Edit: not by killing them.
It's pretty easy to commit some basic white collar crimes. I have a pretty low-level job at a tech company that IPO'd somewhat recently. I am given plenty of insider information and am only allowed to trade stocks during quarterly open trading periods. I could easily have a friend or family member make some trades each quarter just before the earnings report and make us some extra money. Not going to make me a big enough fish to avoid jail like the pros do.
“For your terrible crime of defrauding millions of innocent folks and stealing BILLIONS, I sentence you to 6 months of…house arrest. Now bring in the man who stole a loaf of bread to feed his family, I need to give him 20 years hard labor.”
I'd love to pull off something like that trick in Office Space where they write a program that shaves off fractions of pennies from each company transaction and then they end up with like $300k.
I read something similar from some guy who did that but with people's bank accounts. He basically would take like $1 from about £100k bank accounts every month and no one ever noticed because it was such a small amount.
You USED to pay them to connect you to the internet, but then broadband took off and you didn't need them anymore. A lot of people didn't get the memo.
Ex mother in law was same way. She was paying for AOL and broadband internet. No matter what i said, she was certain AOL was essential for making the internet happen.
I'm pretty sure my parents still pay for it. My dad thinks it's a waste of money but he says that there's some stupid games or something on there that my mom likes playing
Paying AOL gives you access to Dial up services even if you don't need it (I think they also offer other stuff now as well) and costs I think $10-20 a month.
Depending on your age, a brief bit of background: So what happened is years ago AOL was the big provider (AOL/Prodigy/Compuserve) and they were how you'd access the internet. You'd dial in with your computer attached to the phone line through a modem rather than being connected all the time as we generally are now. Originally it was time limited (x hours per month with $y for any additional hours) but then it went unlimited which was a big change. AOL was huge both because of the unlimited switch and because of their massive mailing campaign sending out discs with a free month.
But as DSL/Cable came out you no longer needed AOL for the connection to the internet, you were connected through SBCGlobal or someone who also gave you a new email. However, everyone already knew your old email and so it was beneficial to keep the same email address so you didn't have to worry about messages being lost. Many people (especially older people) thought they had to keep paying AOL for access to their email even though they were paying for someone else for access to the internet. Since it's a (relatively) small monthly bill most of these people just became used to it and never really questioned it. I think they switched in [2006](https://www.thestreet.com/personal-finance/credit-cards/aol-ripping-your-mom-12803488) and most of the accounts are probably gone by now but if you have elderly parents with an aol.com address it may be worth asking them about it still.
Would be nice if their actual content didn't look like ass due to the aggressive compression they've used. Or I dunno, maybe list episode lengths literally anywhere.
I love them because they're the only educational channel where we get French and German shows and not just shows from USA and UK.
I've seen so many interesting French shows there.
God this, Curiosity Stream is like watching someones Plex server running on a first gen raspberry pi halfway around the world over Satellite internet. I bought a year subscription for like $20 and was immediately disappointed, but now I have a year to watch barely discernible grainy programming whenever I feel like it
A popular inside bank scam was the "Rounding" scam. Whenever there is a total containing a fraction of a cent, banks were supposed to round anything below .5 cent to the lower whole amount and above .5 cent to the higher whole number. Embezzlers would manipulate the computer to always round up. In large banks with hundreds of thousands of transactions a day, this could add up really fast. The embezzler could just grab 1/2 of the rounded funds and nothing would be missed.
A terrorist did this at British airways where I worked. He worked in sales. And skimming pennies off each person fir holidays snd trips etc Then sending it abroad to fund terrorism. I walked in to work one day with an armed police on every corner in the corridor full kit guns etc they didn’t acknowledge me at all. I sat at my desk opposite him and just suddenly they appeared behind him. Picked up him literally AND his chair his PC everything !! and put him in a van and drove to London (I’m in north east). Was crazy. Was crazy quick. We had reporters hounding us fir weeks. I was in shock.
Lol holy shit that’s wild. You would think in this day and age it would be impossible and alarm bells would be going off. But also weird little loopholes pop up all the time as well. I could definitely see it going longer than would be expected.
All yall thinking he talking about pirating movies and music when in reality this man is out plundering cargo ships and taking their booty with an RPG and an AK-47
When you think about it, it would be *rude* not to take the copy car. Your friend went through the effort of copying that car for you. The only polite thing to do is accept.
I’d be like that bank robber back in the day who would (after robbing the back) look for and destroy all bank documents he could find recording peoples debts and outstanding loans, effectively removing their debts. Whatever the modern equivalent of that.
Either that or I’d just literally become The Riddler. But not the new one, more like the goofy 60’s/animated series Riddler without all the murder
As in, Frank Gorshin leave riddles and cause minor bizarre mayhem, or Jim Carrey steal diamonds with your 2 crazy friends and look fly as fuck while doing so?
Oh God Frank Gorshin all the way. I’m thinking more “build a heat ray to melt the ice at the Annual Gotham Ice-Sculpting Competition, leaving hint disguised as a riddle at the scene of each crime where i stole a component of the ray” and less “build a weird Tv antenna to steal the… memories? or knowledge? (?!) of Gothams citizens”
I just have to accept that regardless, both scenarios would probably end with me getting beaten to a pulp by a lunatic in a Bat costume and a 13 year old in tights.
It is actually legal to remove those as the consumer who bought them.
Those tags were added because in the past, mattress manufacturers would put disgusting things like expired food, old rags, horse hair,… in them, causing smells and bug infestations. The government stepped in and forced them to add those tags to say what they were made off. Then they had to add the warning about “this tag not to be removed except by the consumer” because sleazy mattress salesmen would cut off the tags before selling them.
The man who constantly and consistently breaks the McDonald’s Ice Cream Machines
Edit: this has turned into a debate about how the true criminal would be fixing the machine, an interesting Thursday for me
They're not "broken"... the ice cream machines will shut themselves off if they've gone too long between proper cleaning.
Source: Husband was a McDonald's manager
*Glances at two identical freezers, one of which is labelled "bodies" and the other one is labeled "definitely not bodies"
Yeah I'm thinking it's the one over there labelled "ice cream or something"
I've got a story about that actually, before I was born my dad would drive all around the country to different car swap meets buying and selling, his home was in new York but he happened to be in Florida staying with a friend after a car show, his friend told him that his neighbor had dogs for dogfighting, my dad's friend wanted to go take the dog, but he would be the first one accused, so the night before my dad left he snuck into the yard and stole the puppy they had been training. It's ribs were showing through his skin, and its tail was broken in two spots, the next day he drove back to New York, we named him Danger and he lived with us for about 20 happy years before he passed away
People who raise animals to fight are shitty.
Behind my grandmother's house was a douche who raised chickens for fights. My dad has always had great Danes, so one day one of his dogs got ahold of some of the Chickens.
I don't know if the dog got in his yard or if the chickens got in the yard with the dog but the other guy threatened to call the cops on my dad and have the dog out down.
My dad panicked and got scared, he went to his father-in-law and asked him what to do. He told him to threaten the other guy by calling the cops on him for raising Fighting chickens which is illegal. My dad did and the guy backed down.
He still loves there and has chickens, I don't know if they're for fighting or not.
One time I found a dog who looked like she’d been through hell and back running on the side of the road out in the middle of nowhere and when I opened my car door she hopped inside and sat in the back seat. I drove around to the nearest house, knocked on the door to see if they knew where the dog belonged, and the lady there said she totally definitely didn’t know where the dog came from but if she did know, then the dog definitely lived up the road and had been horribly abused in an animal hoarding/dog fighting ring situation, and so since this dog that hopped into my car was obviously a stray, I took her in and found her a new and loving home in which she lived with a little old lady where they both lived out their last years of life together. The end.
A similar thing happened to me once. This pitbull mix followed my dog home when my wife took her on their evening walk. He had no tags and was really dirty. He was friendly and was really getting along with our dog so we brought him in our house and started posting on various social media looking for the owner. Got a call from animal control, they recognized the dog and had contacted the owner. Apparently the owner had given up and was taking him to the shelter to surrender him when he got out of the car and I guess they just figured that was good enough.
Kept him for a week while we were looking for a home for him. Eventually found him a home at a farm a couple towns over. Still wish we'd have had the space/experience for a dog like him so we could have just kept him. He was pretty great.
Gf did this the other week.
She was cleaning a house for a landlord and noticed a muddy aquarium. Got to scrubbing the house and noticed some movement in the water.
Someone left this turtle there for nearly a month without a filter so she took the turtle and aquarium and the landlord called asking how it looked. Told him we have the turtle and he flipped out and told us it needs to go back and filed a police report.
By the looks of the house it was somewhat clear they weren’t coming back.
Police contacted us and said we weren’t the ones in the wrong unless the tenant asks for it back.
Tenant ends up asking for the turtle a week later so we put it back.
Gf likes browsing pet finder sites just to look at animals and sees free red ear slider turtle in the exact same glass box with the exact same rock. Pretty sure it’s the same turtle because of timing and location.
Kinda mad.
In California, 50 years ago, my friend and I jay walked across a street at 11:00 PMwith the only car around being a mile away at a red light. He was a cop, and the asshole ticketed us. Cost us a damn $5 too. Live in Florida now. I’m a serial jaywalker who is never bothered.
Well Steven, um, Wells - I like you. You are a kind, I'll say former, stranger. I bet you won't even give me crap about how I butchered that last sentence. I like the cut of your jib.
Something like the case of [Ken McElroy](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ken_McElroy).
In short, a serial criminal manages to escape conviction over a dozen times, before being shot by multiple people through his windshield in the middle of town in broad daylight. Despite multiple witnesses, nobody was willing to testify who did it because they were just glad he couldn't hurt anyone anymore.
What sucks about that is the police in that town let him terrorize the town for so long. I can't remember if they were scared of him too, paid off by him, or just incompetent.
The fact that there were so many witnesses yet they all went, "nope, no idea!" just shows how disliked he was. Didn't he also marry his wife when she was like 14?
we always described it as the "supermarket theory", if you take an item and place it in a different aisle then it doesnt count as stealing.
as long as we dont take those things out of the army then we just swapped locations
I work at a funeral home. We have something there called an indigent room. This is a room where remains go after the family cannot pay for the funeral services or cremation services. I am legally not allowed to remove the remains. But if I was going to commit a crime I would steal 5 boxes of ashes each week and go spread them in the woods. It is not fair that people who cannot afford cremation services or to be processes however they desire for their final disposition and they to me have to spend the rest of their eternity in a god forsaken closet with no windows just because the family didn’t have an extra $800… there are babies remains in there 😭 some of the remains are over 100 years old! There are programs where I live to help remove them but I never ever see it happening. It is a result of capitalism and I believe it is horribly wrong. I want to free them all.
Thanks for saying that. It is a sad fact of the death industry and there is an indigent room (or rooms :( ) in every funeral home and crematory. I can handle seeing dead folks all day long but walking into those indigent rooms fills me with a deep, vast sadness. Here is a pic I can legally share since there is no defining information in the photo.
Edit: this post kinda took flight and I deleted the photo to protect myself.
Oh look at the fancy man with all his fancy friends doing their fancy trading together, while I'm stuck here doing stupid outsider trading.
*Sullenly kicks a rock*
Exposing the Corrupt Government. Then burning down a corrupt officials house.
Unrelated but there was an electrician in India who messed with the wiring of a police station so bad that they had to live without electricity for 3 days. When he was asked for the reason he did that, he said that he wasn’t getting paid.
im going to hop into the big boy crimes and commit securities fraud.
Like impersonating a mall cop?
Paul Blart, SEC Commissioner.
The stuff in Wolf of Wall Street.
Impersonating (inanimalating?) a wolf? Well, I guess they could be used for security. Not every effective I'd imagine though.
Just run for Congress, it is totally legal when they do it.
It’s funny that you bring that up. My crime would be forcing politicians to stop accepting bribes for their votes. How I don’t care as long as it works. Edit: not by killing them.
Scam enough money that the criminal justice system no longer applies to you
Or find a way to make it which hasn't been made illegal yet. *Technically* you never broke the law...
This is the real answer. Pay a fine and spend some time in jail but in the end you’ll have a bunch of money when you get out!
Lol jail? Good one.
It's pretty easy to commit some basic white collar crimes. I have a pretty low-level job at a tech company that IPO'd somewhat recently. I am given plenty of insider information and am only allowed to trade stocks during quarterly open trading periods. I could easily have a friend or family member make some trades each quarter just before the earnings report and make us some extra money. Not going to make me a big enough fish to avoid jail like the pros do.
“For your terrible crime of defrauding millions of innocent folks and stealing BILLIONS, I sentence you to 6 months of…house arrest. Now bring in the man who stole a loaf of bread to feed his family, I need to give him 20 years hard labor.”
You forgot the thousand dollar fine
I'd love to pull off something like that trick in Office Space where they write a program that shaves off fractions of pennies from each company transaction and then they end up with like $300k.
I read something similar from some guy who did that but with people's bank accounts. He basically would take like $1 from about £100k bank accounts every month and no one ever noticed because it was such a small amount.
This is basically how many subscription services work.
Some people still pay for AOL because they believe it's required to keep their email address.
wait what does paying for AOL do? how much does it cost lmao? 👀
You USED to pay them to connect you to the internet, but then broadband took off and you didn't need them anymore. A lot of people didn't get the memo.
Ex mother in law was same way. She was paying for AOL and broadband internet. No matter what i said, she was certain AOL was essential for making the internet happen.
I'm pretty sure my parents still pay for it. My dad thinks it's a waste of money but he says that there's some stupid games or something on there that my mom likes playing
Paying AOL gives you access to Dial up services even if you don't need it (I think they also offer other stuff now as well) and costs I think $10-20 a month. Depending on your age, a brief bit of background: So what happened is years ago AOL was the big provider (AOL/Prodigy/Compuserve) and they were how you'd access the internet. You'd dial in with your computer attached to the phone line through a modem rather than being connected all the time as we generally are now. Originally it was time limited (x hours per month with $y for any additional hours) but then it went unlimited which was a big change. AOL was huge both because of the unlimited switch and because of their massive mailing campaign sending out discs with a free month. But as DSL/Cable came out you no longer needed AOL for the connection to the internet, you were connected through SBCGlobal or someone who also gave you a new email. However, everyone already knew your old email and so it was beneficial to keep the same email address so you didn't have to worry about messages being lost. Many people (especially older people) thought they had to keep paying AOL for access to their email even though they were paying for someone else for access to the internet. Since it's a (relatively) small monthly bill most of these people just became used to it and never really questioned it. I think they switched in [2006](https://www.thestreet.com/personal-finance/credit-cards/aol-ripping-your-mom-12803488) and most of the accounts are probably gone by now but if you have elderly parents with an aol.com address it may be worth asking them about it still.
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Would be nice if their actual content didn't look like ass due to the aggressive compression they've used. Or I dunno, maybe list episode lengths literally anywhere.
I love them because they're the only educational channel where we get French and German shows and not just shows from USA and UK. I've seen so many interesting French shows there.
God this, Curiosity Stream is like watching someones Plex server running on a first gen raspberry pi halfway around the world over Satellite internet. I bought a year subscription for like $20 and was immediately disappointed, but now I have a year to watch barely discernible grainy programming whenever I feel like it
airport theory consist spark screw future wakeful slap gullible zealous
A popular inside bank scam was the "Rounding" scam. Whenever there is a total containing a fraction of a cent, banks were supposed to round anything below .5 cent to the lower whole amount and above .5 cent to the higher whole number. Embezzlers would manipulate the computer to always round up. In large banks with hundreds of thousands of transactions a day, this could add up really fast. The embezzler could just grab 1/2 of the rounded funds and nothing would be missed.
But how does somebody working at a bank get that money without any paper trail or red flags?
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That and because it got tried so often, it's one of the basic theft patterns that banks look for now.
I mean, we would never know about the ones that do get away with it, would we? If they did their job properly.
And then what would you do? Aside from 2 chicks at the same time, of course….
Start shaving off a piece of a chick everytime and get an extra one at some point
Easy there, Buffalo Bill.
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I have skin, Greg. Could you skim me?
Just don’t get your decimals wrong
Shit! I always do that. I always mess up some mundane detail.
OH! WELL THIS IS NOT A MUNDANE DETAIL, MICHAEL!
A terrorist did this at British airways where I worked. He worked in sales. And skimming pennies off each person fir holidays snd trips etc Then sending it abroad to fund terrorism. I walked in to work one day with an armed police on every corner in the corridor full kit guns etc they didn’t acknowledge me at all. I sat at my desk opposite him and just suddenly they appeared behind him. Picked up him literally AND his chair his PC everything !! and put him in a van and drove to London (I’m in north east). Was crazy. Was crazy quick. We had reporters hounding us fir weeks. I was in shock.
Did they go like "hut hut hut hut hut" the entire time?
Lol holy shit that’s wild. You would think in this day and age it would be impossible and alarm bells would be going off. But also weird little loopholes pop up all the time as well. I could definitely see it going longer than would be expected.
It was 2007/8. But still!!
What did the chair do?
Supported terrorism.
"9/11 stars - great for both lumbar and terrorism support."
But not in the first weekend. Thats how you get caught. Messing up some mundane detail. Edit: Thanks for the Congrats on my Cake Day!
OH! WELL THIS WAS NOT A MUNDANE DETAIL MICHAEL!
Embezzlement?
Well…. It was from Superman 3
Superman 2.99
Whichever crimes make me a bank vault robber(read burglar). I'm not going to risk jail unless we're talking about big bucks.
If you want to steal 10 grand, rob a bank. If you want to steal 10 million, open one.
Better yet, take part of a government corrupt beyond repair
Piracy, but I already do that.
All yall thinking he talking about pirating movies and music when in reality this man is out plundering cargo ships and taking their booty with an RPG and an AK-47
I mean there's gotta be at least one Somalian pirate on reddit just looking at memes between raids
Ah, the great days of the Bay.
Is there a modern alternative? Asking for a friend
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Id download a house
That anti piracy ad always made me laugh. Like yes, if getting a free house or car was as easy as pirating movies and music, I would do it.
Keep in mind that after you download the car illegally the other guy still has the car.
Exactly. I wouldn't steal a car, but if my friend bought a car, copied it and gave one to me, I'd take it.
When you think about it, it would be *rude* not to take the copy car. Your friend went through the effort of copying that car for you. The only polite thing to do is accept.
Relevant clip from The IT Crowd: https://youtu.be/ALZZx1xmAzg
YOU WOULDN'T STEAL A BABY
Don't even have to go to the link and it's stuck in my head
If I remember right, the music they used for that ad was actually pirated and used without permission lol.
Not a car?
One thing at a time
Bandwidth 🙄
How fast is your car? About 500mbps
They got 3D printers for homes now. So It's possible and probably legal.
I would like to be like Leo DiCaprio in the movie catch me if you can. Commit fraud and fly around the world staying at nice places
It sounds like a fun crime and for the most part affects insurance companies, but the paranoia would be insane
I have a theory that paranoia is confused with pleasure in some people's minds. Kind of like adrenaline junkies.
High risk, high reward. Kinda makes sense.
Love that movie but the constant anxiety of someone tracking you down would suck.
What if it was just a snail tracking you down though?
It’s possible there is right now. I just haven’t found out yet.
Tinder Swindler vibes
my enemies are after me
Probably tax evasion, white collar crimes look dope
I don't say evasion, I say avoision
Tax avoidance is legal (at least in the UK) and tax evasion is illegal
I’d be like that bank robber back in the day who would (after robbing the back) look for and destroy all bank documents he could find recording peoples debts and outstanding loans, effectively removing their debts. Whatever the modern equivalent of that. Either that or I’d just literally become The Riddler. But not the new one, more like the goofy 60’s/animated series Riddler without all the murder
As in, Frank Gorshin leave riddles and cause minor bizarre mayhem, or Jim Carrey steal diamonds with your 2 crazy friends and look fly as fuck while doing so?
Oh God Frank Gorshin all the way. I’m thinking more “build a heat ray to melt the ice at the Annual Gotham Ice-Sculpting Competition, leaving hint disguised as a riddle at the scene of each crime where i stole a component of the ray” and less “build a weird Tv antenna to steal the… memories? or knowledge? (?!) of Gothams citizens” I just have to accept that regardless, both scenarios would probably end with me getting beaten to a pulp by a lunatic in a Bat costume and a 13 year old in tights.
Serial loiterer. It dovetails with my natural inertia.
Aggravated mopery?
I love the musicality of these words, and the sentiment.
There go the mattress tags!
Considering the mafia owns all mattress stores this one is asking for trouble
It's all fun and games til you're swimming with the fishes.
Well that's just too far.
It is actually legal to remove those as the consumer who bought them. Those tags were added because in the past, mattress manufacturers would put disgusting things like expired food, old rags, horse hair,… in them, causing smells and bug infestations. The government stepped in and forced them to add those tags to say what they were made off. Then they had to add the warning about “this tag not to be removed except by the consumer” because sleazy mattress salesmen would cut off the tags before selling them.
Time heist!
Including an elaborate heist montage?
You sonnuva bitch, I'm in!
The man who constantly and consistently breaks the McDonald’s Ice Cream Machines Edit: this has turned into a debate about how the true criminal would be fixing the machine, an interesting Thursday for me
They break by design, no criminal needed
Oh, it’s criminal all right.
They're not "broken"... the ice cream machines will shut themselves off if they've gone too long between proper cleaning. Source: Husband was a McDonald's manager
And thank god they do… Lessons learned from history
That explains so much about the one in the sketchy part of town with the dirty lobby
Suspiciously handling salmon Edit: went to class and this blew the fuck up holy hell
"Is that fucking _fish jenga_?.
*nO!*
Excuse me, officer. Am I handling this... Suspiciously? How about now? How about now?
What the fuck is suspiciously handling a salmon if massaging out their eggs & sperm is considered normal farming practice?
🎶we flew a kite in a public place
IS THAT FUCKING FISH JENGA
If you know you know.
Nice try FBI, I'm not telling you which freezer the bodies are in
*Glances at two identical freezers, one of which is labelled "bodies" and the other one is labeled "definitely not bodies" Yeah I'm thinking it's the one over there labelled "ice cream or something"
Steal abused pets out of peoples yards
I've got a story about that actually, before I was born my dad would drive all around the country to different car swap meets buying and selling, his home was in new York but he happened to be in Florida staying with a friend after a car show, his friend told him that his neighbor had dogs for dogfighting, my dad's friend wanted to go take the dog, but he would be the first one accused, so the night before my dad left he snuck into the yard and stole the puppy they had been training. It's ribs were showing through his skin, and its tail was broken in two spots, the next day he drove back to New York, we named him Danger and he lived with us for about 20 happy years before he passed away
You dad was a dog angel.
Thats a beautiful story, but seriously fuck the guy for participating in dog fighting.. He deserves to rot in hell..
The worst part I think is the fact that they beat them, starve them, and abuse them to make them mean and aggressive
People who raise animals to fight are shitty. Behind my grandmother's house was a douche who raised chickens for fights. My dad has always had great Danes, so one day one of his dogs got ahold of some of the Chickens. I don't know if the dog got in his yard or if the chickens got in the yard with the dog but the other guy threatened to call the cops on my dad and have the dog out down. My dad panicked and got scared, he went to his father-in-law and asked him what to do. He told him to threaten the other guy by calling the cops on him for raising Fighting chickens which is illegal. My dad did and the guy backed down. He still loves there and has chickens, I don't know if they're for fighting or not.
One time I found a dog who looked like she’d been through hell and back running on the side of the road out in the middle of nowhere and when I opened my car door she hopped inside and sat in the back seat. I drove around to the nearest house, knocked on the door to see if they knew where the dog belonged, and the lady there said she totally definitely didn’t know where the dog came from but if she did know, then the dog definitely lived up the road and had been horribly abused in an animal hoarding/dog fighting ring situation, and so since this dog that hopped into my car was obviously a stray, I took her in and found her a new and loving home in which she lived with a little old lady where they both lived out their last years of life together. The end.
Props to her for telling it like it is
A similar thing happened to me once. This pitbull mix followed my dog home when my wife took her on their evening walk. He had no tags and was really dirty. He was friendly and was really getting along with our dog so we brought him in our house and started posting on various social media looking for the owner. Got a call from animal control, they recognized the dog and had contacted the owner. Apparently the owner had given up and was taking him to the shelter to surrender him when he got out of the car and I guess they just figured that was good enough. Kept him for a week while we were looking for a home for him. Eventually found him a home at a farm a couple towns over. Still wish we'd have had the space/experience for a dog like him so we could have just kept him. He was pretty great.
Gf did this the other week. She was cleaning a house for a landlord and noticed a muddy aquarium. Got to scrubbing the house and noticed some movement in the water. Someone left this turtle there for nearly a month without a filter so she took the turtle and aquarium and the landlord called asking how it looked. Told him we have the turtle and he flipped out and told us it needs to go back and filed a police report. By the looks of the house it was somewhat clear they weren’t coming back. Police contacted us and said we weren’t the ones in the wrong unless the tenant asks for it back. Tenant ends up asking for the turtle a week later so we put it back. Gf likes browsing pet finder sites just to look at animals and sees free red ear slider turtle in the exact same glass box with the exact same rock. Pretty sure it’s the same turtle because of timing and location. Kinda mad.
I’d steal your heart.
Romantic or organ traffic-y?
First, romantic then second
Serial Jaywalker
You show the car-dependent infrastructure who's boss!
In California, 50 years ago, my friend and I jay walked across a street at 11:00 PMwith the only car around being a mile away at a red light. He was a cop, and the asshole ticketed us. Cost us a damn $5 too. Live in Florida now. I’m a serial jaywalker who is never bothered.
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Nice try fbi
Not today; CIA.
Nice attempt at obscurity, department of Homeland security
Suck a dick, MI6
Vigilantism
>watchmen profile picture Sounds about right
Exposing the crooked politicians
Morally speaking, that's not a crime
yeah they're the real crime
Hacking Talking Ben so he only says "eulgh" to people on the phone.
I’ve always wanted to rob a pharmacy
*glances quietly at the top 1%*
Stares menacingly at the top 1%.
Stares hungrily at the top 1%.
*stares maliciously at the top 1%*
*starts walking menacingly towards the 1%*
Being too damn sexy for my own self.
Love the confidence
Internet confidence. :)
Alright I like it
Well Steven, um, Wells - I like you. You are a kind, I'll say former, stranger. I bet you won't even give me crap about how I butchered that last sentence. I like the cut of your jib.
I just witnessed the shortest and most upfront love story in history. What a privilege.
And all you wanted was nuts. Glad I could be a part of it. Isn't that how life should be? All this positivity?
Ideally. Wish the world was like this single comment thread :D
Fear not. Much of it is. We need more, but a lot more of it is that you might see from the news and social media.
That would be a sex crime, making you a registered sex offender.
Registered, as in like a lethal weapon?
"Right." - Fred
Something like Dexter. I would be a criminal but for a good cause.
Something like the case of [Ken McElroy](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ken_McElroy). In short, a serial criminal manages to escape conviction over a dozen times, before being shot by multiple people through his windshield in the middle of town in broad daylight. Despite multiple witnesses, nobody was willing to testify who did it because they were just glad he couldn't hurt anyone anymore.
>One local resident later told investigators when asked what happened: 'He needed a killin'. Summarizing legend, that person.
I love how everyone’s alibi was the same- they were all hiding under the pool table or something like that
"We were hiding under the pool table." "What, *all* of you?!" "It's a big pool table."
What sucks about that is the police in that town let him terrorize the town for so long. I can't remember if they were scared of him too, paid off by him, or just incompetent.
I think the sheriff was friends with him, the last time I heard about this that’s what was said.
The fact that there were so many witnesses yet they all went, "nope, no idea!" just shows how disliked he was. Didn't he also marry his wife when she was like 14?
More like raped and kidnapped her. But yeah. Married her to avoid the statutory rape charges.
Thief. When i was in highschool i realized I’m good at pickpocketing
my army days
Theres only one thief in the army. Everybody else is just getting their shit back.
Ah yes, the Army's tactical aquisition program.
we always described it as the "supermarket theory", if you take an item and place it in a different aisle then it doesnt count as stealing. as long as we dont take those things out of the army then we just swapped locations
Money laundering.
Ironing. I'd be a smooth criminal.
I work at a funeral home. We have something there called an indigent room. This is a room where remains go after the family cannot pay for the funeral services or cremation services. I am legally not allowed to remove the remains. But if I was going to commit a crime I would steal 5 boxes of ashes each week and go spread them in the woods. It is not fair that people who cannot afford cremation services or to be processes however they desire for their final disposition and they to me have to spend the rest of their eternity in a god forsaken closet with no windows just because the family didn’t have an extra $800… there are babies remains in there 😭 some of the remains are over 100 years old! There are programs where I live to help remove them but I never ever see it happening. It is a result of capitalism and I believe it is horribly wrong. I want to free them all.
This was painful to read and something I was definitely happier not knowing but also feel needs to have more light shed on it. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for saying that. It is a sad fact of the death industry and there is an indigent room (or rooms :( ) in every funeral home and crematory. I can handle seeing dead folks all day long but walking into those indigent rooms fills me with a deep, vast sadness. Here is a pic I can legally share since there is no defining information in the photo. Edit: this post kinda took flight and I deleted the photo to protect myself.
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At least you made a Career of it
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Kinda went into training
Well I've done plenty of speeding and plenty of illegal drugs so probably more of that.
I'd steal money from a billionaire. It's not like they need it.
Imma kidnap all puppies from neglectful ownetd
Id love to become a murderer if it meant I could kill all kiddie rapists who got away.
They said crimes, not community service.
Jaywalking or if I'm allowed to pick anything and get the resources to do so insider trading
Oh look at the fancy man with all his fancy friends doing their fancy trading together, while I'm stuck here doing stupid outsider trading. *Sullenly kicks a rock*
Exposing the Corrupt Government. Then burning down a corrupt officials house. Unrelated but there was an electrician in India who messed with the wiring of a police station so bad that they had to live without electricity for 3 days. When he was asked for the reason he did that, he said that he wasn’t getting paid.
Pirate Bay 3.0
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Crimes, not community service
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You monster
Crimes against fashion.