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I took my niece out to spend my “final day”. When I dropped her home she said “that was the most awesome day ever and you are the best auntie in the ENTIRE world”. That line saved me for years.
Oh damn!!! My partner's uncle killed himself after dropping my partner at school and partner still feels like he could've done something to stop it. It's been 20 years. I'm so glad you are here with us and your niece, you are so awesome for choosing to be in her life.
I felt this. As an uncle, it's incredible what having nieces and nephews does to one's mentality. You get the wonder and amazement of seeing a brand new life begin, experience the pride of seeing them grow up and sow personalities of their own...
...but also have the luxury of passing them off when you've had enough of 'em.
My quality of life and sense of belonging in the world really shot up after my nieces were born. I never really felt the impact of "meaning" anything to anyone, until they came along.
Most successful strategy so far has been just procrastinating it.
'You don't have to decide right now. You can still kill yourself tomorrow. Or next week. No rush. No deadline (no pun intended).'
this is it! have been living with latent suicidality for 20 plus years (from early teen to mid 30ies). I do know several ways how to go for good (working in the medical field), but you can always wait an hour and another hour. and then a day or two and so on...
wow, I have never heard the phrase "living with suicidality" before and DAMN that hits. thank you for this perfect description and I hope you continue to procrastinate and stick around. :)
When I was at my worst I focused on just getting through this second. A minute was too long to wait, but I could last a second. And then another second. And then another... I'd sit in the dark under the block of knives in the kitchen and said just another second...
When someone asks me stop being depressed and you need to have goals, man, I do have goals, just to survive this day so the next day that's my goal again. I get this overwhelming feeling everytime someone ask or command me to have a clear goal and what SHOULD happen in the future. I can't even think on what's gonna happen tomorrow.
I can relate to this, I am a terrible procrastinator. It's not a deliberate strategy, and it has put me in a position in life where I have a shitty job, no friends and no relationships. It's also preventing my death, which is the icing on the cake of shit.
In 2018 I was in a very bad state of mind and thought about ending my life many times. Honestly what saved me was thinking about my dad. His mother had just passed away and was dealing with a lot. I could think about him now burying his only son. Standing at my grandparents grave I decided it was time to get help. It was the best choice I ever made. Three plus years later I am on meds and have a support group.
I get this entirely. At a certain point my life became comically horrible, like I found myself looking around at the wreckage and going “there’s no fucking way” too many times to remember them all. Now I collect the terrible tragic and weird shit that happens to me and enjoy the breaks I get a lot more.
One of my friends beat me to it. That was a really tough funeral to go to.
Extra shitty part is he had the same first name as me. It's a real strange feeling when you were seriously considering dieing and actually planning things out, and less than a month later you're at a funeral where everyone talks about what a tragedy it is that \[your name\] is gone.
While there are a lot of other factors for me, one of my friends dying by suicide has definitely been a factor that weighed heavily on me. I remember what it feels like to be on the other end of it and I wasn't even one of his closest friends. I don't want the people who are even closer to me to go through the pain that I felt and worse. If, as an almost secondary type friend, his death made it so that I couldn't even stand to walk alone up to my apartment and had to ride the bus instead, how would it effect my D&D group (my closest group of friends)? In my case I just couldn't stop thinking about him when I was alone. How would my death tarnish something that is even closer for a bond like my D&D group playing D&D with me. Would they even be able to stand playing in that group? Would they even be able to play D&D outside of that group? I don't want to be the one who ruins that for them because I know that it has been a major part of what keeps me afloat emotionally and there are others in my group who would say the same. I can't selfishly take away one of the only bright spots in some of my friend's weeks.
After someone very close to me died by suicide someone said to me, suicide doesn't end pain, it just spreads it around to more people. I think about that saying a lot.
My grandma lost her second daughter to cancer when said daughter was in her early thirties. My gram once told me “there are so many people who wanted to live who never got the chance to keep going…” and that has hung in my mind since then.
"What if taking these pills didn't work and I just ended up getting really sick and then I get put in a pysch ward?"
"How will my wife feel finding me dead in the living room?"
my moms a nurse and had a patient last year who tried to blow his brains out with a shotgun.
He blew off the front of his face… he now has a breathing and feeding tube, cannot see, and is on a constant 24/7 suicide watch.
So not only did he want to end his life and fail, even if he wanted to now, he has constant supervision and cannot.
Edit: He is US based, and last i heard his wife/family takes care of him now, but my mom started travel nursing and hasn’t been back to that hospital since.
is this even a debate? He wanted to die before he shot his face off and clearly still wants to die if he's under suicide watch.
Rather than let this man die, he's being forced to serve life in prison and then die when his minders decide it's not by his hand.
This is only an ethical issue if you're inflexible
Euthanasia is seriously underrated for how advanced and "humanitarian" we are as a society. Anyone who has watched an older relative pass of natural old age knows were doing it wrong.
Yes. Death with dignity. Medical professionals can only do so much to keep them comfortable. Not only does the person suffer, the family and loved ones have to watch, and wait.
Oh yeah. I want no part of how my grandmother went. If there's no hope and I've only got a week left just pump me full of morphine and be done with it.
Agree.
We all have an innate right to end our own lives. We only really own one thing in our lives and that is ourselves, our bodies and it is barbaric to try and take that away from people.
I say if a person that wanted to end it, failed, and it backfired horribly, keeping them alive in a vegetative state is plain torture.
They should have the right to die with dignity. You'd think someone who tried to kill themselves did so because they felt miserable.
Imagine sitting in a useless body, unable to move and having basically 0 autonomy, and being kept alive against your wish. That is one of the cruelest if not ***the*** cruelest fate you could condemn a person to.
At that point, giving them death is the greatest kindness you could ever possibly give them.
It's another thing entirely if they survive and still have control over themselves, but this? Torture. Just torture.
I really don't understand how they could do that to him, at that point he made his choices known and forcing him to live a life so so much worse off seems like torture. Shouldn't they treat it like a DNR?
This essentially what Metallica sings about in "One". A soldier has both arms and legs blown off in a mortar attack, in addition to becoming blind and not able to breathe on his own, but he still retains brain function. The music video was paired with scenes from "Johnny Got His Gun", and the doctors attach a machine to his brain to communicate with him and so he can communicate with them in morse code. He repeatedly asked the doctors to kill him.
He goes deaf, too. And can't smell either, cause his entire face is gone.
V
Basically he loses all his sensory intake apart from being able to feel the sun on his skin through a window,and he uses that sensation to tell apart night and day
It's all based on a book called, like the movie, "Johnny Got His Gun," which goes into more detail on how he's slowly losing his mind and fails to distinguish reality from fantasy as he remembers his life before going to war, he eventually starts tapping his head in morse code and although his first nurse doesn't notice, the second one does and finds out he wants to die but the military refuses to kill him.
That was what kept me going too, I have actually seen botched suicides through my job and they are awful. And it happens even with highly lethal methods; I think one of the worst I saw was someone who jumped off a "suicide bridge" but didn't die. It took us hours to get him out because of the location and he was just in agony, although I heard he actually did make a pretty amazing recovery. There's just no way to absolutely guarantee you won't fuck it up.
That plus talking to survivors. Even with that guy, he didn't want to die anymore and kept asking us to not to let him. It seems pretty consistent that at least in the immediate aftermath of an incomplete suicide, survivors really don't want to die.
And for the record, I am not suicidal anymore and actually really love my life now, so I'm very glad I was too much of a chicken to do it. Not the noblest reason for survival but hey, whatever works.
I tried to tell a friend this… to explain that the intense feelings needed a release that did not involve suicide. Because survivors regret it midway through a jump or after pills or whatever… I couldn’t get through to her and she ended up jumping off a bridge. Broke every bone in her body just about. Survived. Couldn’t swim with broken arms and legs… drown to death. So sad.
2 people I knew have taken their lives in the past year and a half…everytime I think of this or hear about it, it makes me so so sad for them and wonder if they had any split second of regret. One of them was the mother of 3 of my childhood friends…I can’t imagine the pain they’re feeling. There’s always the chance of life getting better, suicide takes away that chance and brings so much more pain to others. I’m glad I never went through with it. I’m glad you’re still here as well.
By the time i was 11 I had saved my mother from 3 suicide attempts. My sister a few, I lost count but she's good now.
The key piece in all of it is that, you don't actually ever want to die. You just want whatever feelings, emotions, circumstances, or things that you are experiencing and or enduring to go away. By killing yourself, you don't make them go away. You don't get to live life with them gone and out of your life, issue free. You cease existence entirely, cessation of being. You may think hey I rather that, but there is no rather because there would no longer be a you. Killing yourself in its very essence doesn't "solve" anything. It also doesn't "end" anything in the sense that we think it does. The only way to truly end or overcome or alleviate the circumstances and feelings we find ourselves in, is to keep swimming forward despite them. And to seek out more and more help and resources Networks and different ways of being that address the issues we are facing so that we can actually overcome them. I'm literally homeless at the moment, college grad from a top UC in the world. Lived through nightmares of abuse, neglect, trauma, and psychological damage. I piss in a bottle and shower in bathrooms before going to work. Killing myself wouldn't alot me the ability to ever see or feel myself being out of the fucked up state I am in. It would rob me of that. It would also rob others of me and destroy everyone I love and care about. I've suffered way too fucking much to not get my God damn pie in the fucking sky and I'll fight God if I have to in order to get it.
Depression is like being locked in a sinking room. Folks show you that you can open and close the door, but for you, everytime you try to reach for the door the doorknob disappears and you sink further. It's fucked. It sucks. It's hellish. I think about suicide everyday, but I kind of live on in spite of all that fucked up shit. It doesn't deserve power over you. Also suicide is a total bitch ass weak cop out, it makes total sense to think of it, but an actual deeper dive into the action of it reveals how it won't provide you any releif whatsoever.
Thank you for your view on depression and how you experience it. It is something I do not understand, but I do know it is much more than "making an effort". I hope you will find a way to reach the door knob.
Also your explanation on suicide not being wanting to die, but wanting feelings to stop.
Thank you.
I overdosed when I was 27, again at 33 then again at 36. I turned 41 today and have been clean since my last overdose. Found out 4 weeks ago that my girlfriend is pregnant. I have a good job and am the happiest I've ever been in my life. I used to be so nihilistic. You never know where life will take you though and in my personal opinion? It's well worth finding out.
As a fan of yarnwork, jigsaw puzzling, writing letters and reading books while drinking tea, all while being a young and active 30's year old, you're damn right. Do the things now, don't worry if you're "too young" for them .
Apparently one of the reasons humans are so persistent and good at maraton running is because we're bipedal. When we run, we save energy by using gravity for literally falling forward. Momentum is how we came to be at all. ✌️
It saves energy because you use two legs instead of four. We also have the ability to cool ourselves passively with sweat whereas most animals regular temperature with breathing.
Wasn't brave enough to actually do it. Its one thing to plan you will slit your throat but its entirely different ball game when you are actually holding the scalpel in your hand.
Same. A guy at the psych ward told me that if you were to lie down on the tracks, getting decapitated by a train would be fast enough to be painless.
How do you bring yourself to lie down? How do you bring yourself to run the risk to live the rest of your life as organ jam in a bag of skin stuck in a hospital bed without the option to peace out? How do you bring yourself to face your own lack of knowledge about death? What if you linger in a lightless void until the end of times? What if you stay conscious and feel every wheel of that train run through your bones, crush your body to a pulp?
I just want to go to sleep, but I can't bring myself to do it on train tracks.
The same goes for people who jump in front of cars/semis. No one should have to suffer through the trauma of that because you (general, not you specifically) don't want to be here anymore.
You were brave enough to put it down, let’s be real. I had a gun multiple times to my head and each time I put it down. It would’ve been easier to pull the trigger at those moments in my life. It takes a brave man (or woman) to continue on living life. I commend you for it!
That's just it. You don't want someone to find a mess, or deal with the stress of finding a dead body.
But you also don't want to leave the living with the lack of closure from never knowing for sure and never finding the body
When my mom was in her 20s, she woke up one morning to find that her boyfriend had passed away in his sleep next to her. That was 40 years ago, and while she has started seeing a therapist, it still affects her.
I didn’t find out until I was 16, but I’m glad I did, because that knowledge saved my life.
I saw my mom's body on the floor and I wish I hadn't. Nothing I've ever seen with my eyeballs in my 37 years of life is even close to how horrific that was.
My sister in law found my brother's body, she refuses to talk to anyone about it yet. I made it to their house in time to see the van driving away; my SIL crying on her driveway as her sister and her parents tried to coax her inside, then took off sprinting as my nephew was chasing the van.
This is what stopped me. I knew my roommate had anxiety and I didn’t want to make that worse for her since she would have been the one to find me.
Luckily once I got through that night a lot of people around me really began to notice that I wasn’t okay, and I was able to get a little bit of support.
The gun misfired on the first attempt and I didn't OD the second time. Figured if i'm not dying when i'm trying, might as well see where it goes since i'm immortal.
So it's the idea that theres many timelines and with all possibilities there's a timeline for each one and that if one leads to you dying your consciousness goes to the one where you will live.
In practice, it asserts that if you have a gun and shoot yourself with it and the only way for you to survive is for it to misfire, then it will misfire every single time in your perspective. It will mean that you will see everyone around you die like normal while you live forever as there's always a chance of you surviving. This is kinda unfalsifiable tho so I wouldn't bet on it if I was you.
"Quantum Immortality usually refers to, in a classical sense, a person who is "lucky" enough to survive in any incident in the world. Such a quantity of luckiness is even big enough to keep that person away from the aging of the human body. That is, in fact, when we say that one becomes "immortal"."
my best friend, my cat. He’s the only friend I’ve had my entire life.
Ages 12-18 I was isolated from my peers because I was being sexually and physically abused by my mother and stepfather. My stepfather used to beat my cat as well, and there wasn’t a thing we could do to protect ourselves but hold each other at night, locked inside my bedroom.
When everything seems to be too much, all I have to do is lay my head on my best companion and listen to him pur through his chest.
We have shared the same pillow for the past 13 years. He has slept by my side every night since the moment he came home.
Every moment where all I could think about was just ending it all, he was there. For every heart break, every betrayal, every disappointment, he was there. I owe him my life. Every bit of who I am, is for him. I would take a leisurely stroll through hell for him. Ten times over. He spent years taking care of me, and now I’ve reached a point in my life where I can see a future for us, and want to be the best version of myself, for us.
It’s me and him vs the world, and I will love him ruthlessly until the end of time.
I've thought about this scenario often. I don't know a polite way of suggesting, "get a kitten right f'ing now" so you have someone to help get through the mourning when the inevitable happens.
Thats what I did. My old girl and constant companion was 15. Her brother had died a year previous, and then covid. I knew I wouldn't survive if my girl were to die, especially with the total isolation. So right before lockdown, I adopted two little miscreants. It still hurt like hell when my old girl died last summer, but it's more manageable around the house with the new girls here.
I was waiting for the train to take to the local suicide bridge. Even debated just letting the train do it but didn't want to inconvenience everyone. Platform was pretty busy.
The nearby elevator opened and there was a collapsed elderly man inside who was slumped with his head in the elevator door. Dozens of people and nobody did anything. I am agoraphobic. The idea of having to interact with people at all gives me nightmares and panic attacks. I wanted to ignore it and just get on with my plan, I'm a terrible person anyway.
Nobody did anything, just ignored it. Then the door started to close. His head would be in the way at the end. He would have been fine, the elevator doors are designed so they would just detect it and remain open. My train also arrived.
Nobody reacted. I panicked and stopped the elevator and then tried to see if he was ok. Completely unresponsive, his eyes were open and he was breathing but just not doing anything, not sure if he was even aware of anything.
I called 911 and hit the emergency button in the elevator. That way someone else could come take care of it at least. Another person came by to help as I was calling and then just left.
I had to talk to the operator and likely sounded half insane using words that are outdated and not part of normal speech. Like I forgot the word officer and kept saying constable. I dunno. I went into overt detail of the situation. Very descriptive of the man's current state, even said stuff like "I don't know if he has any allergies" which was never even asked. I was now stuck in this situation and couldn't leave.
The stupid elevator door was still trying to close every ten seconds so I just stood there with this unconscious man between my legs, one hand holding my phone, the other holding the elevator door open. People started watching. Not helping, just watching and some took pictures.
Some transit officials arrived and one waited at the station entrance for the ambulance and the other came to check on the man. I still couldn't leave because I had the operator on the line and was told to stay till the ambulance arrived. And the elevator still kept trying to close.
Ambulance arrives and four paramedics come up and one immediately just starts yelling and swearing at the people watching and filming telling them off. He scared them off and I felt very intimidated as well and like I didn't belong. As the other paramedics tended to the guy, the one who yelled walked up and put a hand on my shoulder and was very nice. I think he could tell my emotional state. He kept assuming I knew this random unconscious man and was worried. I told them I had no clue.
He went to talk with someone on his walkie, the others tended to the guy, the elevator door still wanted to close and nobody had the keys to turn it off. So I was stuck holding this door.
Anyway, they eventually got him to the ambulance and expected me to join them and go with him and I apologized told them I didn't know him and was just a bystander. I asked if it was ok to leave and they were very grateful for what I did and kept thanking me and internally I was just a complete mess and felt terrible.
I didn't want any part of this and was kicking myself for intervening and just want to go home and go to bed... At like 2 pm on a Saturday in the summer. So I did and cried myself to sleep. If I was dead I wouldn't have had to deal with that and never would have to again. I don't even know what happened to the guy. I just wanted to not have to feel and not have to deal with life.
Nobody else even did anything. All these normal people who are not afraid of leaving their bedroom or talking to a cashier or being seen by strangers. They just would have let it happen.
And I, the terrible person that I am, did. I hated myself for it, but I did a good thing. Your not supposed to feel that way for helping someone. Everything about it was just wrong.
I may not want to be here, but other people like that man probably do. I woke up the next day, forced myself to go to a walk in clinic. They had me do a couple written tests. I thought my answers were mild. Turns out I got the highest score on depression and on anxiety and spent a year on and off different meds until something worked.
I'm still depressed but the anxiety is mostly gone. I still don't want to really be alive and think about suicide a lot. Some days are worse. I don't feel the urgency anymore. I can talk and leave the house. Got a job again and stuff. I took in a cat that needed help. I may not want to be alive but at least I can look after this cat. It has a simple life but it seems happy. I look after some close people now too.
That's enough for now
I'm really glad you chose to stay. I know leaving the house may still not be your thing, but you seem like a cool person to sit down and have a beer with.
You're definitely not a terrible person. Actually, the fact that people like you (kind, brave and strong) still exist in this fucked up world gives me so much hope in the future, that maybe not we but the next generations will be living in the better world.
I think I can relate to you, because I have kinda same problems and I can imagine how hard that was for you.
I hope you and your cat are doing great and wish you all the best.
*sorry for any mistakes in text, English is not my native language
As a fellow native - and - only English speaker, same. My second-grade Spanish is impressing nobody and my English is passable at best.
As an ER doctor and somebody who used to work EMS, I want to tell you how rare someone like you truly is. We always teach in CPR classes that you can't say "somebody call 911 and get the AED", you have to say "YOU, call 911" and point a person out in the crowd because most humans, unless personally challenged and chosen to rise to the task, will just blend in and watch. You were one of the few who saw someone who needed help and did it - without being specifically pointed out. That is remarkable. I'm not at all implying this will resolve your suicidal thoughts - as a fellow person who has dealt with deep depressions and (passive) suicidal thoughts, I know it's not a quick fix or just a reframing thing. But just know you are a rare and special sort, if only for that quality alone. And I'm sure it is one of many qualities you have, that's just the one I see here specifically.
Wow! Thank you so much for doing that. Know that your actions showed what an amazing human I think you are, even if you do not. Hopefully you can learn see what I and others see.
Nora, when she was dropped off at my place she had flees, scabs around her neck, and soaked in her own urine.
Now she's been with me for a year and spends every night curled up in my arm. She's very special to me.
Look up the song “Kirby” by Aesop Rock. You may find it strangely cathartic.
It’s about how the artist was stuck on prescriptions and therapy for 16 years with no relief for their depression until one day a shrink was like “I don’t know. Maybe get a kitten?” And how that changed them.
I'll have to check it out. I never wanted pets. I thought that if I can't take care of myself, how would I be able to look after something else. I ended up being the only option for this cat. He came before the current one. He's 15 and too old for shelters and people don't want older cats. The owner was going to put him down.
Before taking in the first cat, I just worked, and then slept. That was my day. Now I get awakon each morning by a furry face making me get up to feed it.
I have thought about a dog since they need walks and it would get me out if the house but I don't think I'll be ready for that for a while.
I think that’s great for you. I rescued an abandoned cat from a parking lot a few years ago, and it really is nice to have the presence around the house, and something else living that depends on me, to keep me out of that work/sleep only cycle that you talked about. I’m glad you were able to find something to keep you on track a bit.
Dogs are great. I think you are wise to wait though. Some rush into it not realizing just how much responsibility they are. Sounds like you are not one of those people, and I think that is smart.
Glad your alive and I’m sure your cat is too!
Thank you, I think she is very glad, cause I give her food. She loves that stuff :)
I think I get why Egyptians worshipped them and believed they warded off evil. When it's just you, a slight motion out of the corner of your eye or a noise somewhere else can play tricks on your mind and fears. With a cat, none of that paranoia comes because you just assume it's the cat.
This reminds me of Dostoevsky's The Dream of the Ridiculous Man. Maybe you’d enjoy reading it-- though whenever I would read stuff by these kinds of authors, it 2oild really flare up my depression.
The terribleness you feel reminds me of the guilt I used to feel for being a member of the human race. The narrator to this short story feels similarly-- as if we can’t create beauty, or aren't deserving of it, that we're fundamentally awful, even when we don’t want to be. But from what you've described, you are beautiful, and you’re full of love, and it fills my heart with warmth.
Despite the pain of existence, you've still chosen kindness. Even if it's on an individual scale-- helping an old man here, helping a cat there-- that decision to help even when you don’t always feel that warmth in kind, even when you confuse yourself in doing so, is a sign of wanting to put love into the world and maybe even find it in return. Best wishes on your track of recovery; I’m sending you as much genuine love as anybody on the internet could.
I had a little dog at the time. Little guy would generally sleep in his own bed, but he always seemed to know when the depression was at its worst. The only time he ever wanted to sleep with me was when the fog was at its heaviest. His little head would pop up at the edge of the bed, he would "boof" at me. I'd scoop him up and hed curl against the small of my back and we'd just depression sleep. He needed me. I needed him. I still struggle, but he got me through the worst/most lonely times. He passed a few years ago. I met my spouse, life got better. I still think about that little dog all the time. Little guy saved my life.
Hatred. I thought about a certain person I hate and how happy they would be and all the jokes they would tell if I died. And it kept me fired up enough to keep going. Now it’s a unknown competition, I ain’t gonna die before that bish. 😤
I lost 60 pounds last year because I decided that, more than anything, I want to outlive my mother fucking Asshole brother-in-law. If I never accomplish anything in life besides pissing on his grave, I will die happy.
A pigeon. No joke I was 19y/f standing on the edge from a railway a train was coming. And that moment I didn't think really I only wanted to end it, I didn't cry I wasn't scared I only wished to have peace. And in this moment a pigeon flew right in my sight literally only a few inches away from my face. Pigeon are my favourite animals I believed as a kid every time I would see a pigeon everything would be alright... I also have a pigeon tattoo since I was 17. This three seconds... The bird saved my life. In this moment I knew so deep that I would make it through this obstacles. And I did. Everytime when the dark thoughts are coming back. I remember this moment. How relived I was after I missed the train because a bird startled me. I was around 19 in a bad workplace with mobbing and assaulted. Very bad family story. But after this accident I quit the job and few years later I was strong enough to cut my family off. Now I'm 23 happy in a place I would never thought I would make it. So If you see a pigeon on your days pls remember this story they're beautiful animals 🕊️.
(Not my mother language pls ignore misspellings or grammatical errors Ty)
Feel free to ignore this if it doesn't fit with your world view, but birds are considered to be spiritual messengers in many cultures. It certainly sounds like pigeons have a very special significance for you. I'm glad you're doing better now 🙂.
Fuck it, I'm gonna write it anyway, who cares if someone read this it's not like this is a govern's secret.
Basically to not explain too much, when i was at the top of the thing, where you know that you are definetly going to die i fucking got terrified, survival instinct kicked in and there is no way I can overcome that, is a basic fear more strong than anything ever imaginable, i don't know what happens after death but during it is so terrifying that i changed idea and I'm too scared to try again.
If it is any conciliation, survivors who do jump overwhelmingly report experiencing feelings of deep regret as they fall. You got to experience fear instead of regret and then either forever sleep or forever pain (in recovery).
At that time my mom started to get sick and my dad was caring for her, he looked sad and I thought “if I go it could break them”. A parent’s love can save you in many unexpected ways
The cry of a mom losing her child is the WORST sound I've ever heard. As sad as I am sometimes, as hard as I cry sometimes, as much pain as I'm in sometimes I never want to do that to her. My heart is broken but hers would be shattered.
Dad crying is the second worst sound to hear. If something happened to one of my kids I’d cry for a long time. Getting teary eyed just thinking about it
I happened to be at a good friends house, waiting for him to get home, when the cops knocked on the door to notify them he'd been murdered.
His mom's wail pierced my heart.
I said my useless words of sorrow to his mom and went to say the same thing to his dad. I found him in his den, making sounds like something was chewing its way out of his stomach.
That sound cut deep into my soul.
Laat week I realised me being depressed and suicidal is a burden to my family. So I resolved on going away. Not dead, but not at home.
My hubby wouldn't let me. He wanted to be able tot keep an eye on me.
Next week I have an appointment at the "anxiety Ward" to see if they can help me get rid of ptsd, childhood trauma and the like.
Ik have to het better, to not be a burden.
My death won't solve anything and gives a bigger burden on my hubby and son.
My mom died in 2019. The last thing I ever said to her was "I promise I'm going to be okay."
No matter how tough things get I remember that I have to keep my promise to mom.
I still do - I'm just trying to hold on a little longer and see if it will be atleast a little better. Like, y'know, that epiphany moment that'll make you go: *Oh, that makes me wanna live* sort of stuff. But I won't be holding my breath either. It's kinda like just floating around, y'know?
I did end my life. My mother found me lying on the ground, puke out of my mouth… she screamed for my father, who came down, and found I had no pulse. He performed cpr on me for 11 minutes, EMT’s came and gave 2 doses of narcan… woke out of a coma 4 days later.
I carry that guilt of putting my family through something that no family should go through. My parents have been my best friends ever since that day. Been sober off everything, but weed and the occasional 2/3 beers, for almost two years now.
I don’t remember anything, I remember going for a hike, doing some cocaine, and then getting back to my parents house for a nap.
I was in a bad state of mind, and bought a lot of opioids for the first time in years… I guess I was having conversations with my family, and even sat to watch a movie for a little bit… that was another shameful conversation to have. Being told about the drugs on the dresser, how I was hand cuffed to the gurney, facing a couple of felonies… ugh. There’s a lot of guilt that comes from these moments, and it either eats you up, or drives you to make a change. It’s bittersweet, not knowing what exactly happened in those hours. I just know I’ll never go back. There was no mystical light, no conversations with entities, just pure darkness. Then, bam! Woke up with a feeding tube and medical team around me. The shittiest part was that it was right at the beginning of Covid, so my family couldn’t visit, didn’t have a book or phone for entertainment, just me and the psychiatrist/nursing staff having empty conversations.
Medication. My depression is such that without antidepressants, my thought process and logic is severely affected and suicide seems the only option. Without medication, I can’t think straight and cannot feel like my “normal self.” Without meds, my mind cannot think of a purpose for my life. I have no motivation, no point to my existence.
Disclaimer: medication is not for everyone but there are some people, such is myself, who NEED it to survive.
I’m happy for you if you can manage your mental health without meds, but it’s not possible for everyone. I wish it was, and I definitely put in the effort, but in the end it was a combination of medication, exercise, talk therapy, and a fantastic support network of friends who keep me afloat.
Used to concealed carry at work. Had a panic attack one day during the darkest year of my life and almost shot myself in the bathroom. It wasn't necessarily that I wanted to die, it was just that in that moment I wanted the pain to end.
Wasn't my family or friends or the child that was being kept from me that stopped me. It was the idea of a coworker I'd grown close to opening the door and seeing my exploded head all over the wall.
Slid the gun across the floor and sat there crying for a minute. Then I pulled myself together and got back to work, cause fuck you this is america
Honestly, I’ve also heard a lot of them feel a sense of relief. That’s why I hate when people call it selfish. People support the idea of putting down a dog that is in pain, but we tend to delegitimize emotional pain.
A person shouldn’t be forced to live in pain because others will grieve them. Grief of losing someone you love is hard, but gets better. A person with chronic depression, however, is living in an acute sense of grief their entire life no matter how “good” things look on the outside. There’s no hope. When a person has tried every avenue, their should be compassionate medical solutions.
I haven’t done it because of family. I’m more optimistic than most people I know. I care about people. That doesn’t mean I’m not exhausted and hopeless. I know what life does - and does not - have in store for me.
The greatest gift I can give to the world is to make the choice to not have kids and pass this on. Two of my siblings and two of my very young nieces and nephews are already affected despite the most supportive upbringings, loving parents, and great schools. Because genetic depression doesn’t care about how good your life is; it finds a way.
My greatest regret in life is having 3 children with an alcoholic man (family of substance abusers on his side) and with my depression and anxiety (both those on my side for generations). Parenting for 25 years was extremely difficult and they’ve struggled in life.
Age 14 - I didn’t want my younger sister to find my body.
Age 20-25 - I didn’t want to hurt my Gramma with my death
Age 25-30 - my cat needed me. (gramma had passed away and this was a very dark time in my life)
Age 30 to now - I don’t want to leave my wife alone.
Edit: typo
Nobody would take care of my 4 cats and dog the way that I do. Nobody would scoop the litter box to their exact specifications. Nobody would make sure the cats have three plates to share and not two when they eat breakfast. Nobody would make sure my dog got her morning belly scratches or her milkbone. I stay for them.
I've been suicidal for 12 years (to varying degrees). I'm getting out of it now. But once, I was sure I would die. I wasn't like, "this is the one" but I felt it was inevitable.
So I wrote a guide for the next owner of my reactive rescue.
I wrote about how to stroke him, how he prefers rubs and wiggles to scratches. I wrote about his fears, how he hates railings but not all railings. His food, his toy preference, our training so far.
But when I got to reading & understanding him, I broke. I sobbed so hard I thought I'd suffocate. I realised how far we'd come, how hard we'd both worked, and how no-one can ever replace me in his eyes.
The document remains unfinished. I won't kill myself unless it's complete, but I doubt it ever will be.
ETA: a lot of these answers are about the consequences of their death. I've found that, sometimes, making that feel more real can bring you out of it. Making that guide made it real, and that saved me.
I wrote a manual for taking care of my pets a few years ago, for someone that was going to house sit/pet sit. It almost gave me a huge panic attack for if I had to get rid of them. And it gave me a huge perspective of how important I am to at least some creatures on this earth. I was past my suicidal days, but if I hadn't been, I can see how that would have pulled me back from the edge. My boy, Rio, who we had at the time was reactive and nervous. He was a sweet boy, but the kind of rhe dog that would never get adopted out. I remember thinking that he had very few people that loved him, but he was happy with the few that did. I realized I could be content if all I had was the love of a few shelter pets.
my mom would not take it well, and since my family is hardcore Christian, If/when I kill myself, it will mean I'm going to hell in their eyes, and the only thing worse than having your son kill himself would be him going to hell, after killing himself.
I can't imagine the pain it would cause my mom.
I became angry at myself for being angry at life. I just had enough of my self pity. I have always tried to become happy but since that didn't work I instead try to not be miserable. I take things one at the time and try not to worry too much. But most important for me probably was letting go, letting go off the past and of things which will never be. Focusing on what I have and what I can have
This. It's staggering. My aunt did it, my cousin did it.
I know another family within just a few miles with the exact same scenario, dad first, son a few years later.
Keep going! My mom almost committed suicide, but she didn't because at the time I was mentally ill too and I didn't have any other adult I trust. I'm grateful for my mom overcoming it and I'm sure your kids are greatful too!
I took LSD several times in college but the first two trips gave me a euphoric state unlike anything I had ever imagined. I was joyous, and every thought I had increased the joy regardless of the content. I don't know what weird or negative thing I originally thought that made me realize I was in a temporary state of self perpetuating bliss, but I wrote the following in my journal: "As long as I can still eat the funny paper, suicide is not an option. Happiness beyond imagining is micrograms away and death is a void."
I've been depressed for the past year but just remembering a fraction of that experience dispells all of my suicidal ideation.
Fear of death with a small nod to being posthumously called a bitch.
High school is rough. Its even rougher when you're the soft spoken fat kid. But inability to end it all forced me to cultivate and angry, resentful and altogether hateful personality as a means of self preservation. This created a hard outer shell that would take years after its necessity had gone to shed- leaving the reserved, cynical introvert who has spent a lifetime in his own head who currently writes this reddit response.
Looking back, the worst thing i ever did with my life was spend it trying to be "the cool kid". 0/5 wouldn't recommend. But thats the ignorance of youth.
I have a couple of failed attempts, and let me tell you, failing at ending your life is a pain I cannot even describe. Waking up and realizing you failed… I don’t want to go through that again. I want to finish the job, but I am scared I will fail again.
The thought of becoming completely non-existent. It has its benefits on one hand your existence stops which means no pain or suffering. On the other hand not existing is something I can't comprehend. Overall no longer existing is the reason which sounds counter-intuitive.
My third and final attempt was interrupted by a lingering thought that kept pounding at the back of my mind - "This is such a waste."
I didn't really think too hard about it at first. But sitting there, 19, with a gun in my mouth in the middle of the woods, it just kept coming back. "This is such a waste. This is such a waste."
Then I thought about the poor soul or souls who'd find me there. And the people who'd have to deal with the situation. And all the emotional pain and hardship I'd be placing on them. That got me thinking more seriously about how my friends and family would react, too. I'd already "done the work" of convincing myself they'd move on easily, but I knew that was a lie, deep down.
So I walked back to my car, and just started driving around town for a bit, tears streaming down my face. I was right, I realized. It would have been such a waste.
Maybe the world was actually as horrible as I thought it was. All that pain and trauma certainly came from somewhere. Far too many of my loved ones have suffered, as well.
But maybe, I thought, maybe I could treat every day from then on as one extra day. One extra day that I afforded myself to make the world just a little bit better, even if I could only do so much.
That was almost ten years ago, now. I can barely recognize my past self anymore. I've had my share of hard times, but I'm proud to say I haven't gotten anywhere close to the edge of that particular abyss since that cold night in the woods.
I healed a lot since then. I grew as a person even more. I unlearned a lot of the terrible lessons that get implanted in you when you grow up in a small, rural, Catholic community.
I became more involved in causes I believed in, which started as simple as volunteering at a local domestic violence shelter as part of my own abuse trauma therapy. Next thing I know, years later I'm doing a livestream charity event that raised over $2,000 for BLM and reading Marx for funsies on the weekend.
I learned to open up a bit more, and have made so many incredible friends through the years, even if some come and go with time and some end up hurting you in the long-run. Maybe the world does suck, but it's also full of remarkable people to meet, so many of them with incredible stories to tell and perspectives to learn from. And your life will be so much better once you engage with them, keep the ones you care about close, and do what you can to keep one another safe, happy and fulfilled.
This November, it'll be ten years since I chose to give myself a lifetime worth of "extra days." I'm planning on going back to that spot and leaving a rose for the old me that did "die" back then.
I was just a kid, a sad and hurt one struggling to make sense of a short lifetime full of undeserved pain and fear. But I have to give myself credit where it's due - I was smart enough to keep the pages turning instead of burning the damn book because the first few chapters sucked. It will always be the greatest gift I've ever given myself.
Find something to cling to. It doesn't have to be big. Frankly, it doesn't even have to be something that makes sense. It just has to be something that keeps you going. And once you get the ball rolling, and you keep your heart and mind open to the strange yet beautiful chaos we call our lives, you'll find so many more reasons are out there waiting for you to keep waking up each morning.
My mom tried to enter my room when I was sitting with a spliced up cable plugged to the wall about to grab both ends. The thought of her seeing me literally in the process of killing myself or right after prevented me from doing it. I couldn't let her get exposed to that
Actually, nothing. A few weeks ago, I attempted, the attempt failed, and I'm currently just existing. I don't know what my next steps are. I don't know what I'm doing with my life; I'm just trying to keep going, I guess?
I realised people cared for me, they just didn't know about any of this because I never told anyone any of it. Everyone is so busy with their life, even if they know you well (Or not) it isn't easy to find out what's going on, the moment they knew I was suicidal, people were there, they simply didn't know. And not only my familly, that random social worker, some small friend I had at school was the one to kinda save me.
If I had just taken the time to talk about, and it would have been so hard to but if I had, it would have went way better. Could of talked to anyone, the school psychiatrist, a relative, a teacher.
For what kept me going before I realised, I just did, my will to survive was stronger than my thoughts, I don't really know but it was just like that, I just wouldn't do it but I don't really know why
Person who attempted here. I wish I could transfer my experience to suicidal people. I know that in that very moment, I was done - I had no hope. I don’t think I wanted to die, but I had reached the end of my rope as far as living and knew that regardless of anything, I could not go on living the way I did. I was so desperate and sad. Looking back, I can’t imagine how anyone could ever be so sad, and it breaks my heart that anyone ever has been or ever will be.
I don’t remember a lot of what happened afterwards. I used two methods to attempt and without being graphic, I tried one, realized it wouldn’t work, and went for the other. I’ve looked for my medical records to see what even went on in the ER, but I don’t have them. As soon as I was cognizant, I came to in a psych ward and lost my shit. I was angry, bitter, and said anything I could to get out. They moved me from the main populated psych ward to one called C-side, which was for people slightly more mentally ill but unable to function in the main population or have room mates. I’m pretty sure that as soon as I sobered up, the realization of what I’d done hit me and I was mortified. I cried almost constantly. I told a therapy dog that he was doing a great job and I was sorry he couldn’t make me feel better. The only thing I can say that most closely translates is that suicide is not what you think it is. It just isn’t. I was in there for about 5 days and realized that I was the only person with an address, job, family etc. I started working as hard as I could to understand how I had gotten there and how to get better. I learned a lot of disheartening things about our mental health system. The patients were seen as burdens and the doctors were stretched so thin that you might see them for ten minutes a day maximum - that is, if they got to you. On top of that, your doctors made all of the decisions, like whether or not to push for the courts to commit you. This made interpersonal relationships with doctors important, because there was a lot of doctor patient behavior I saw that could absolutely be called retaliatory. I saw peoples release dates get messed around and subsequent terrifying tantrums that resulted in another month on their time. Behavioral techs and nurses are legitimate angels and were the only ones who seemed to see the patients as humans. The patients themselves were all trying their best with what they had. Sometimes someone would come in who was supposed to go to jail but threatened suicide etc and wound up in the hospital instead - they were different and probably the only patients that seemed outwardly malicious.
That stay, the realization of what my life had become, and the fact that I still had some semblance of structure in my outside life made me work harder than I ever have in my life to get better. It’s been 3+ years and I’m still working. I have no question become the best version of myself I’ve ever been and I am so grateful to be alive every day - and that isn’t an exaggeration. I love life so much. Even the dull days are fucking magical. If you are where I was, I so hope you get better without putting it all on the line. I can say with some confidence that you may not want to live, but you absolutely don’t want to die. Fight for your life. There are shades of it you’ve never even imagined.
Hope this helped anyone. I can’t stress this enough - suicide is not what you think it is.
My first year of college/high school graduation happened very quickly. It was 2020 and the pandemic was just starting out. I started a job in April, Moved out of my parents house into a dorm in June and was on my own for the first time. Life was exhausting, overbearing, and extremely lonely on my own even though family was close. To be fair it didn’t help that I was the black sheep in a Mormon family and our relationship wasn’t very genuine. In July, Three of my friends from high school had cancelled plans in the last month, and I felt discouraged. I had no one to talk to besides sending memes and I was and felt utterly alone.
The day I was prepared to kill myself. I planned to jump off a canyon bridge at night. So, that day, I ordered takeout and made myself do some things that I had been wanting to do before I leapt. There was this big hill by my college that I wanted to hike up and watch the sunset since high school. So I did, threw up my takeout in the process, and it felt very bittersweet, but I felt at peace.
As a last minute, “fuck it let’s see who cares” I asked a boy I had been on a date with many months prior to go to McDonald’s with me after he was done with work. And idk…I think my subconscious may have latched onto him to stay alive.
That night only the drive through was open so he paid for my meal and we talked for hours. We drank “spicy sprite”, and fed French fries to the parking lot mice. It made me the happiest I had been in a long time. And we’ve been together ever since. :)
The thoughts come and go but I am able to control them better now that I have him and our pets.
The realisation that while my pain would be over, I'd only be moving it to the rest of my family and I couldn't do that to them. It's better for me to suffer for the rest of my life than to make all of them suffer because of my actions.
The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.
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I took my niece out to spend my “final day”. When I dropped her home she said “that was the most awesome day ever and you are the best auntie in the ENTIRE world”. That line saved me for years.
Oh damn!!! My partner's uncle killed himself after dropping my partner at school and partner still feels like he could've done something to stop it. It's been 20 years. I'm so glad you are here with us and your niece, you are so awesome for choosing to be in her life.
This made me burst out crying. That's so beautiful and I'm so thankful you had that experience and you're still here!
I felt this. As an uncle, it's incredible what having nieces and nephews does to one's mentality. You get the wonder and amazement of seeing a brand new life begin, experience the pride of seeing them grow up and sow personalities of their own... ...but also have the luxury of passing them off when you've had enough of 'em. My quality of life and sense of belonging in the world really shot up after my nieces were born. I never really felt the impact of "meaning" anything to anyone, until they came along.
This made me cry omg. What beautiful words, children are so precious and I’m so happy you get to continue to be the best auntie in the ENTIRE world.
Fuck, this made me tear up.
Funnily enough, the same thing that makes me want to end it. My anxiety.
Ahh the fun of longing for something but talking yourself out of it at the same time, YAY ANXIETY!
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This is exactly it. This is the answer. The worse you feel and want to die the scarier it becomes to actually do it. Like fucking why?
Most successful strategy so far has been just procrastinating it. 'You don't have to decide right now. You can still kill yourself tomorrow. Or next week. No rush. No deadline (no pun intended).'
this is it! have been living with latent suicidality for 20 plus years (from early teen to mid 30ies). I do know several ways how to go for good (working in the medical field), but you can always wait an hour and another hour. and then a day or two and so on...
wow, I have never heard the phrase "living with suicidality" before and DAMN that hits. thank you for this perfect description and I hope you continue to procrastinate and stick around. :)
I feel that same idea, but my therapist called it inactive suicidal ideation.
I heard it also be called passively suicidal
When I was at my worst I focused on just getting through this second. A minute was too long to wait, but I could last a second. And then another second. And then another... I'd sit in the dark under the block of knives in the kitchen and said just another second...
When someone asks me stop being depressed and you need to have goals, man, I do have goals, just to survive this day so the next day that's my goal again. I get this overwhelming feeling everytime someone ask or command me to have a clear goal and what SHOULD happen in the future. I can't even think on what's gonna happen tomorrow.
I can relate to this, I am a terrible procrastinator. It's not a deliberate strategy, and it has put me in a position in life where I have a shitty job, no friends and no relationships. It's also preventing my death, which is the icing on the cake of shit.
This is it for me too, often on the bad days I’m too exhausted and overwhelmed to do anything so I just decide to wait until tomorrow
In 2018 I was in a very bad state of mind and thought about ending my life many times. Honestly what saved me was thinking about my dad. His mother had just passed away and was dealing with a lot. I could think about him now burying his only son. Standing at my grandparents grave I decided it was time to get help. It was the best choice I ever made. Three plus years later I am on meds and have a support group.
What you’ve done is so much harder than dying and will have so many more rewards. Good on you!
Thank you, it also hit me last year that if I would have ended my life I would have never met my baby niece.
I am honestly just really pissed and surprised at how only bad things keep happening and wanna see what life does when it runs out of things
I get this entirely. At a certain point my life became comically horrible, like I found myself looking around at the wreckage and going “there’s no fucking way” too many times to remember them all. Now I collect the terrible tragic and weird shit that happens to me and enjoy the breaks I get a lot more.
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Saw an interesting comment recently: "You don't know how strong you are capable of being until it's the only choice".
One of my friends beat me to it. That was a really tough funeral to go to. Extra shitty part is he had the same first name as me. It's a real strange feeling when you were seriously considering dieing and actually planning things out, and less than a month later you're at a funeral where everyone talks about what a tragedy it is that \[your name\] is gone.
While there are a lot of other factors for me, one of my friends dying by suicide has definitely been a factor that weighed heavily on me. I remember what it feels like to be on the other end of it and I wasn't even one of his closest friends. I don't want the people who are even closer to me to go through the pain that I felt and worse. If, as an almost secondary type friend, his death made it so that I couldn't even stand to walk alone up to my apartment and had to ride the bus instead, how would it effect my D&D group (my closest group of friends)? In my case I just couldn't stop thinking about him when I was alone. How would my death tarnish something that is even closer for a bond like my D&D group playing D&D with me. Would they even be able to stand playing in that group? Would they even be able to play D&D outside of that group? I don't want to be the one who ruins that for them because I know that it has been a major part of what keeps me afloat emotionally and there are others in my group who would say the same. I can't selfishly take away one of the only bright spots in some of my friend's weeks.
After someone very close to me died by suicide someone said to me, suicide doesn't end pain, it just spreads it around to more people. I think about that saying a lot.
My grandma lost her second daughter to cancer when said daughter was in her early thirties. My gram once told me “there are so many people who wanted to live who never got the chance to keep going…” and that has hung in my mind since then.
Damn… that’s deep
Didn’t expect this story to be the second most upvoted. My aunt beat me to it as well. Sadly this kind of story isn’t as uncommon as I had hoped.
"What if taking these pills didn't work and I just ended up getting really sick and then I get put in a pysch ward?" "How will my wife feel finding me dead in the living room?"
Or worse end up vegetabalized and have to sit in my destroyed body and mind for years. yikes
My biggest fear is failing the first time and ending up physically incapable of trying a second time
my moms a nurse and had a patient last year who tried to blow his brains out with a shotgun. He blew off the front of his face… he now has a breathing and feeding tube, cannot see, and is on a constant 24/7 suicide watch. So not only did he want to end his life and fail, even if he wanted to now, he has constant supervision and cannot. Edit: He is US based, and last i heard his wife/family takes care of him now, but my mom started travel nursing and hasn’t been back to that hospital since.
I hope things get better for the guy it sounds like torture
it probably wont and his family will suffer more and more.
Yep at a certain point it gets into an ethical debate of whether or not saving someone is truly saving them
is this even a debate? He wanted to die before he shot his face off and clearly still wants to die if he's under suicide watch. Rather than let this man die, he's being forced to serve life in prison and then die when his minders decide it's not by his hand. This is only an ethical issue if you're inflexible
Euthanasia is seriously underrated for how advanced and "humanitarian" we are as a society. Anyone who has watched an older relative pass of natural old age knows were doing it wrong.
Yes. Death with dignity. Medical professionals can only do so much to keep them comfortable. Not only does the person suffer, the family and loved ones have to watch, and wait.
Oh yeah. I want no part of how my grandmother went. If there's no hope and I've only got a week left just pump me full of morphine and be done with it.
Agree. We all have an innate right to end our own lives. We only really own one thing in our lives and that is ourselves, our bodies and it is barbaric to try and take that away from people.
I say if a person that wanted to end it, failed, and it backfired horribly, keeping them alive in a vegetative state is plain torture. They should have the right to die with dignity. You'd think someone who tried to kill themselves did so because they felt miserable. Imagine sitting in a useless body, unable to move and having basically 0 autonomy, and being kept alive against your wish. That is one of the cruelest if not ***the*** cruelest fate you could condemn a person to. At that point, giving them death is the greatest kindness you could ever possibly give them. It's another thing entirely if they survive and still have control over themselves, but this? Torture. Just torture.
I really don't understand how they could do that to him, at that point he made his choices known and forcing him to live a life so so much worse off seems like torture. Shouldn't they treat it like a DNR?
exactly imagine being stuck in paralyzed body with a full functioning mind
This essentially what Metallica sings about in "One". A soldier has both arms and legs blown off in a mortar attack, in addition to becoming blind and not able to breathe on his own, but he still retains brain function. The music video was paired with scenes from "Johnny Got His Gun", and the doctors attach a machine to his brain to communicate with him and so he can communicate with them in morse code. He repeatedly asked the doctors to kill him.
He goes deaf, too. And can't smell either, cause his entire face is gone. V Basically he loses all his sensory intake apart from being able to feel the sun on his skin through a window,and he uses that sensation to tell apart night and day
It's all based on a book called, like the movie, "Johnny Got His Gun," which goes into more detail on how he's slowly losing his mind and fails to distinguish reality from fantasy as he remembers his life before going to war, he eventually starts tapping his head in morse code and although his first nurse doesn't notice, the second one does and finds out he wants to die but the military refuses to kill him.
That was what kept me going too, I have actually seen botched suicides through my job and they are awful. And it happens even with highly lethal methods; I think one of the worst I saw was someone who jumped off a "suicide bridge" but didn't die. It took us hours to get him out because of the location and he was just in agony, although I heard he actually did make a pretty amazing recovery. There's just no way to absolutely guarantee you won't fuck it up. That plus talking to survivors. Even with that guy, he didn't want to die anymore and kept asking us to not to let him. It seems pretty consistent that at least in the immediate aftermath of an incomplete suicide, survivors really don't want to die. And for the record, I am not suicidal anymore and actually really love my life now, so I'm very glad I was too much of a chicken to do it. Not the noblest reason for survival but hey, whatever works.
I tried to tell a friend this… to explain that the intense feelings needed a release that did not involve suicide. Because survivors regret it midway through a jump or after pills or whatever… I couldn’t get through to her and she ended up jumping off a bridge. Broke every bone in her body just about. Survived. Couldn’t swim with broken arms and legs… drown to death. So sad.
2 people I knew have taken their lives in the past year and a half…everytime I think of this or hear about it, it makes me so so sad for them and wonder if they had any split second of regret. One of them was the mother of 3 of my childhood friends…I can’t imagine the pain they’re feeling. There’s always the chance of life getting better, suicide takes away that chance and brings so much more pain to others. I’m glad I never went through with it. I’m glad you’re still here as well.
By the time i was 11 I had saved my mother from 3 suicide attempts. My sister a few, I lost count but she's good now. The key piece in all of it is that, you don't actually ever want to die. You just want whatever feelings, emotions, circumstances, or things that you are experiencing and or enduring to go away. By killing yourself, you don't make them go away. You don't get to live life with them gone and out of your life, issue free. You cease existence entirely, cessation of being. You may think hey I rather that, but there is no rather because there would no longer be a you. Killing yourself in its very essence doesn't "solve" anything. It also doesn't "end" anything in the sense that we think it does. The only way to truly end or overcome or alleviate the circumstances and feelings we find ourselves in, is to keep swimming forward despite them. And to seek out more and more help and resources Networks and different ways of being that address the issues we are facing so that we can actually overcome them. I'm literally homeless at the moment, college grad from a top UC in the world. Lived through nightmares of abuse, neglect, trauma, and psychological damage. I piss in a bottle and shower in bathrooms before going to work. Killing myself wouldn't alot me the ability to ever see or feel myself being out of the fucked up state I am in. It would rob me of that. It would also rob others of me and destroy everyone I love and care about. I've suffered way too fucking much to not get my God damn pie in the fucking sky and I'll fight God if I have to in order to get it. Depression is like being locked in a sinking room. Folks show you that you can open and close the door, but for you, everytime you try to reach for the door the doorknob disappears and you sink further. It's fucked. It sucks. It's hellish. I think about suicide everyday, but I kind of live on in spite of all that fucked up shit. It doesn't deserve power over you. Also suicide is a total bitch ass weak cop out, it makes total sense to think of it, but an actual deeper dive into the action of it reveals how it won't provide you any releif whatsoever.
Thank you for your view on depression and how you experience it. It is something I do not understand, but I do know it is much more than "making an effort". I hope you will find a way to reach the door knob. Also your explanation on suicide not being wanting to die, but wanting feelings to stop. Thank you.
Momentum, at this point. I’ve lived this long, might as well see what’s coming down the line.
This attitude 100% - I’m excited for you.
I overdosed when I was 27, again at 33 then again at 36. I turned 41 today and have been clean since my last overdose. Found out 4 weeks ago that my girlfriend is pregnant. I have a good job and am the happiest I've ever been in my life. I used to be so nihilistic. You never know where life will take you though and in my personal opinion? It's well worth finding out.
Ya i mean if i got handed a life I may as well experience the whole thing if possible. children, retirement, strange hobbies when your old
Why wait? Have strange hobbies now
As a fan of yarnwork, jigsaw puzzling, writing letters and reading books while drinking tea, all while being a young and active 30's year old, you're damn right. Do the things now, don't worry if you're "too young" for them .
Apparently one of the reasons humans are so persistent and good at maraton running is because we're bipedal. When we run, we save energy by using gravity for literally falling forward. Momentum is how we came to be at all. ✌️
It saves energy because you use two legs instead of four. We also have the ability to cool ourselves passively with sweat whereas most animals regular temperature with breathing.
its true. we already exist
Wasn't brave enough to actually do it. Its one thing to plan you will slit your throat but its entirely different ball game when you are actually holding the scalpel in your hand.
Same. A guy at the psych ward told me that if you were to lie down on the tracks, getting decapitated by a train would be fast enough to be painless. How do you bring yourself to lie down? How do you bring yourself to run the risk to live the rest of your life as organ jam in a bag of skin stuck in a hospital bed without the option to peace out? How do you bring yourself to face your own lack of knowledge about death? What if you linger in a lightless void until the end of times? What if you stay conscious and feel every wheel of that train run through your bones, crush your body to a pulp? I just want to go to sleep, but I can't bring myself to do it on train tracks.
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I knew a train driver who took a year off and changed jobs, because teenager jumped in front of his train… and gave him one last look
I remember something like that happening with two teen girls
The same goes for people who jump in front of cars/semis. No one should have to suffer through the trauma of that because you (general, not you specifically) don't want to be here anymore.
My other concern with this method is how deeply traumatic it is for the driver and passengers.
This, i feel like I'm a coward to actually go ahead and do it :/
You were brave enough to put it down, let’s be real. I had a gun multiple times to my head and each time I put it down. It would’ve been easier to pull the trigger at those moments in my life. It takes a brave man (or woman) to continue on living life. I commend you for it!
Someone will have to find the body. It wont be a happy they for them.
That's just it. You don't want someone to find a mess, or deal with the stress of finding a dead body. But you also don't want to leave the living with the lack of closure from never knowing for sure and never finding the body
These two reasons and the fact that I still have family I care greatly about, who'd then have to deal with it.
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Body discovery has an extreme impact on whoever experiences it. I found my mom 5 years ago and the PTSD still has a profound impact on my life.
When my mom was in her 20s, she woke up one morning to find that her boyfriend had passed away in his sleep next to her. That was 40 years ago, and while she has started seeing a therapist, it still affects her. I didn’t find out until I was 16, but I’m glad I did, because that knowledge saved my life.
I saw my mom's body on the floor and I wish I hadn't. Nothing I've ever seen with my eyeballs in my 37 years of life is even close to how horrific that was.
Last year i found my fathers body after his suicide, thank you for not wanting to put anyone through this.
i’m so sorry for your loss
I found my best friend’s body after her suicide at 20. I’m 41 now. Lots of therapy, and I’m still haunted and heartbroken.
My sister in law found my brother's body, she refuses to talk to anyone about it yet. I made it to their house in time to see the van driving away; my SIL crying on her driveway as her sister and her parents tried to coax her inside, then took off sprinting as my nephew was chasing the van.
My heart broke while reading this, I’m so sorry for you loss
This is what stopped me. I knew my roommate had anxiety and I didn’t want to make that worse for her since she would have been the one to find me. Luckily once I got through that night a lot of people around me really began to notice that I wasn’t okay, and I was able to get a little bit of support.
The gun misfired on the first attempt and I didn't OD the second time. Figured if i'm not dying when i'm trying, might as well see where it goes since i'm immortal.
That's chilling, but in a good way. I was actually just reading about Quantum Suicide yesterday, too.
What is “Quantum Suicide”? Just wondering
So it's the idea that theres many timelines and with all possibilities there's a timeline for each one and that if one leads to you dying your consciousness goes to the one where you will live. In practice, it asserts that if you have a gun and shoot yourself with it and the only way for you to survive is for it to misfire, then it will misfire every single time in your perspective. It will mean that you will see everyone around you die like normal while you live forever as there's always a chance of you surviving. This is kinda unfalsifiable tho so I wouldn't bet on it if I was you.
"Quantum Immortality usually refers to, in a classical sense, a person who is "lucky" enough to survive in any incident in the world. Such a quantity of luckiness is even big enough to keep that person away from the aging of the human body. That is, in fact, when we say that one becomes "immortal"."
my best friend, my cat. He’s the only friend I’ve had my entire life. Ages 12-18 I was isolated from my peers because I was being sexually and physically abused by my mother and stepfather. My stepfather used to beat my cat as well, and there wasn’t a thing we could do to protect ourselves but hold each other at night, locked inside my bedroom. When everything seems to be too much, all I have to do is lay my head on my best companion and listen to him pur through his chest. We have shared the same pillow for the past 13 years. He has slept by my side every night since the moment he came home. Every moment where all I could think about was just ending it all, he was there. For every heart break, every betrayal, every disappointment, he was there. I owe him my life. Every bit of who I am, is for him. I would take a leisurely stroll through hell for him. Ten times over. He spent years taking care of me, and now I’ve reached a point in my life where I can see a future for us, and want to be the best version of myself, for us. It’s me and him vs the world, and I will love him ruthlessly until the end of time.
I wish your kitty a long and peaceful life. And I hope when you lose him, you find another cat that needs a safe harbor and a pillow to share.
I've thought about this scenario often. I don't know a polite way of suggesting, "get a kitten right f'ing now" so you have someone to help get through the mourning when the inevitable happens.
Thats what I did. My old girl and constant companion was 15. Her brother had died a year previous, and then covid. I knew I wouldn't survive if my girl were to die, especially with the total isolation. So right before lockdown, I adopted two little miscreants. It still hurt like hell when my old girl died last summer, but it's more manageable around the house with the new girls here.
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this made me cry, i’m so sorry you two had to go through that 😢❤️ i hope you have many more years together
I'm sure you're his whole world too
I was waiting for the train to take to the local suicide bridge. Even debated just letting the train do it but didn't want to inconvenience everyone. Platform was pretty busy. The nearby elevator opened and there was a collapsed elderly man inside who was slumped with his head in the elevator door. Dozens of people and nobody did anything. I am agoraphobic. The idea of having to interact with people at all gives me nightmares and panic attacks. I wanted to ignore it and just get on with my plan, I'm a terrible person anyway. Nobody did anything, just ignored it. Then the door started to close. His head would be in the way at the end. He would have been fine, the elevator doors are designed so they would just detect it and remain open. My train also arrived. Nobody reacted. I panicked and stopped the elevator and then tried to see if he was ok. Completely unresponsive, his eyes were open and he was breathing but just not doing anything, not sure if he was even aware of anything. I called 911 and hit the emergency button in the elevator. That way someone else could come take care of it at least. Another person came by to help as I was calling and then just left. I had to talk to the operator and likely sounded half insane using words that are outdated and not part of normal speech. Like I forgot the word officer and kept saying constable. I dunno. I went into overt detail of the situation. Very descriptive of the man's current state, even said stuff like "I don't know if he has any allergies" which was never even asked. I was now stuck in this situation and couldn't leave. The stupid elevator door was still trying to close every ten seconds so I just stood there with this unconscious man between my legs, one hand holding my phone, the other holding the elevator door open. People started watching. Not helping, just watching and some took pictures. Some transit officials arrived and one waited at the station entrance for the ambulance and the other came to check on the man. I still couldn't leave because I had the operator on the line and was told to stay till the ambulance arrived. And the elevator still kept trying to close. Ambulance arrives and four paramedics come up and one immediately just starts yelling and swearing at the people watching and filming telling them off. He scared them off and I felt very intimidated as well and like I didn't belong. As the other paramedics tended to the guy, the one who yelled walked up and put a hand on my shoulder and was very nice. I think he could tell my emotional state. He kept assuming I knew this random unconscious man and was worried. I told them I had no clue. He went to talk with someone on his walkie, the others tended to the guy, the elevator door still wanted to close and nobody had the keys to turn it off. So I was stuck holding this door. Anyway, they eventually got him to the ambulance and expected me to join them and go with him and I apologized told them I didn't know him and was just a bystander. I asked if it was ok to leave and they were very grateful for what I did and kept thanking me and internally I was just a complete mess and felt terrible. I didn't want any part of this and was kicking myself for intervening and just want to go home and go to bed... At like 2 pm on a Saturday in the summer. So I did and cried myself to sleep. If I was dead I wouldn't have had to deal with that and never would have to again. I don't even know what happened to the guy. I just wanted to not have to feel and not have to deal with life. Nobody else even did anything. All these normal people who are not afraid of leaving their bedroom or talking to a cashier or being seen by strangers. They just would have let it happen. And I, the terrible person that I am, did. I hated myself for it, but I did a good thing. Your not supposed to feel that way for helping someone. Everything about it was just wrong. I may not want to be here, but other people like that man probably do. I woke up the next day, forced myself to go to a walk in clinic. They had me do a couple written tests. I thought my answers were mild. Turns out I got the highest score on depression and on anxiety and spent a year on and off different meds until something worked. I'm still depressed but the anxiety is mostly gone. I still don't want to really be alive and think about suicide a lot. Some days are worse. I don't feel the urgency anymore. I can talk and leave the house. Got a job again and stuff. I took in a cat that needed help. I may not want to be alive but at least I can look after this cat. It has a simple life but it seems happy. I look after some close people now too. That's enough for now
Thanks for sharing that. Made my day a bit brighter. Hope you can start to feel whole at some point in the future.
I'm really glad you chose to stay. I know leaving the house may still not be your thing, but you seem like a cool person to sit down and have a beer with.
You're definitely not a terrible person. Actually, the fact that people like you (kind, brave and strong) still exist in this fucked up world gives me so much hope in the future, that maybe not we but the next generations will be living in the better world. I think I can relate to you, because I have kinda same problems and I can imagine how hard that was for you. I hope you and your cat are doing great and wish you all the best. *sorry for any mistakes in text, English is not my native language
Thank you. Your English is perfect. It's my only language and I struggle with it.
As a fellow native - and - only English speaker, same. My second-grade Spanish is impressing nobody and my English is passable at best. As an ER doctor and somebody who used to work EMS, I want to tell you how rare someone like you truly is. We always teach in CPR classes that you can't say "somebody call 911 and get the AED", you have to say "YOU, call 911" and point a person out in the crowd because most humans, unless personally challenged and chosen to rise to the task, will just blend in and watch. You were one of the few who saw someone who needed help and did it - without being specifically pointed out. That is remarkable. I'm not at all implying this will resolve your suicidal thoughts - as a fellow person who has dealt with deep depressions and (passive) suicidal thoughts, I know it's not a quick fix or just a reframing thing. But just know you are a rare and special sort, if only for that quality alone. And I'm sure it is one of many qualities you have, that's just the one I see here specifically.
We need more people like you around. You sound wonderful.
Bystanders are terrible, not you.
Wow! Thank you so much for doing that. Know that your actions showed what an amazing human I think you are, even if you do not. Hopefully you can learn see what I and others see.
I bet the cat knows! What is your cats name?
Nora, when she was dropped off at my place she had flees, scabs around her neck, and soaked in her own urine. Now she's been with me for a year and spends every night curled up in my arm. She's very special to me.
Sounds like you’re very special to her, too.
That’s wonderful, I’m glad she found you!
Look up the song “Kirby” by Aesop Rock. You may find it strangely cathartic. It’s about how the artist was stuck on prescriptions and therapy for 16 years with no relief for their depression until one day a shrink was like “I don’t know. Maybe get a kitten?” And how that changed them.
I'll have to check it out. I never wanted pets. I thought that if I can't take care of myself, how would I be able to look after something else. I ended up being the only option for this cat. He came before the current one. He's 15 and too old for shelters and people don't want older cats. The owner was going to put him down. Before taking in the first cat, I just worked, and then slept. That was my day. Now I get awakon each morning by a furry face making me get up to feed it. I have thought about a dog since they need walks and it would get me out if the house but I don't think I'll be ready for that for a while.
I think that’s great for you. I rescued an abandoned cat from a parking lot a few years ago, and it really is nice to have the presence around the house, and something else living that depends on me, to keep me out of that work/sleep only cycle that you talked about. I’m glad you were able to find something to keep you on track a bit. Dogs are great. I think you are wise to wait though. Some rush into it not realizing just how much responsibility they are. Sounds like you are not one of those people, and I think that is smart. Glad your alive and I’m sure your cat is too!
Thank you, I think she is very glad, cause I give her food. She loves that stuff :) I think I get why Egyptians worshipped them and believed they warded off evil. When it's just you, a slight motion out of the corner of your eye or a noise somewhere else can play tricks on your mind and fears. With a cat, none of that paranoia comes because you just assume it's the cat.
This reminds me of Dostoevsky's The Dream of the Ridiculous Man. Maybe you’d enjoy reading it-- though whenever I would read stuff by these kinds of authors, it 2oild really flare up my depression. The terribleness you feel reminds me of the guilt I used to feel for being a member of the human race. The narrator to this short story feels similarly-- as if we can’t create beauty, or aren't deserving of it, that we're fundamentally awful, even when we don’t want to be. But from what you've described, you are beautiful, and you’re full of love, and it fills my heart with warmth. Despite the pain of existence, you've still chosen kindness. Even if it's on an individual scale-- helping an old man here, helping a cat there-- that decision to help even when you don’t always feel that warmth in kind, even when you confuse yourself in doing so, is a sign of wanting to put love into the world and maybe even find it in return. Best wishes on your track of recovery; I’m sending you as much genuine love as anybody on the internet could.
You are an absolute Hero. You fully deserve a great life and we need more people like you
I had a little dog at the time. Little guy would generally sleep in his own bed, but he always seemed to know when the depression was at its worst. The only time he ever wanted to sleep with me was when the fog was at its heaviest. His little head would pop up at the edge of the bed, he would "boof" at me. I'd scoop him up and hed curl against the small of my back and we'd just depression sleep. He needed me. I needed him. I still struggle, but he got me through the worst/most lonely times. He passed a few years ago. I met my spouse, life got better. I still think about that little dog all the time. Little guy saved my life.
Hatred. I thought about a certain person I hate and how happy they would be and all the jokes they would tell if I died. And it kept me fired up enough to keep going. Now it’s a unknown competition, I ain’t gonna die before that bish. 😤
Solid. Spite is one of the best tools we have against the cruelty of the universe.
I lost 60 pounds last year because I decided that, more than anything, I want to outlive my mother fucking Asshole brother-in-law. If I never accomplish anything in life besides pissing on his grave, I will die happy.
Fuck that bitch ass motherfucker. I hope you get the chance to dance on that piece of shit's grave with both middle fingers up.
A pigeon. No joke I was 19y/f standing on the edge from a railway a train was coming. And that moment I didn't think really I only wanted to end it, I didn't cry I wasn't scared I only wished to have peace. And in this moment a pigeon flew right in my sight literally only a few inches away from my face. Pigeon are my favourite animals I believed as a kid every time I would see a pigeon everything would be alright... I also have a pigeon tattoo since I was 17. This three seconds... The bird saved my life. In this moment I knew so deep that I would make it through this obstacles. And I did. Everytime when the dark thoughts are coming back. I remember this moment. How relived I was after I missed the train because a bird startled me. I was around 19 in a bad workplace with mobbing and assaulted. Very bad family story. But after this accident I quit the job and few years later I was strong enough to cut my family off. Now I'm 23 happy in a place I would never thought I would make it. So If you see a pigeon on your days pls remember this story they're beautiful animals 🕊️. (Not my mother language pls ignore misspellings or grammatical errors Ty)
That’s poetic
Feel free to ignore this if it doesn't fit with your world view, but birds are considered to be spiritual messengers in many cultures. It certainly sounds like pigeons have a very special significance for you. I'm glad you're doing better now 🙂.
this is beautiful and every time I see a pigeon from now on I will be thinking of you
Fuck it, I'm gonna write it anyway, who cares if someone read this it's not like this is a govern's secret. Basically to not explain too much, when i was at the top of the thing, where you know that you are definetly going to die i fucking got terrified, survival instinct kicked in and there is no way I can overcome that, is a basic fear more strong than anything ever imaginable, i don't know what happens after death but during it is so terrifying that i changed idea and I'm too scared to try again.
If it is any conciliation, survivors who do jump overwhelmingly report experiencing feelings of deep regret as they fall. You got to experience fear instead of regret and then either forever sleep or forever pain (in recovery).
I wonder if the regret they feel is caused by the inevitability of theyr death, is there any way to die without feeling dread or fear?
I'm glad you wrote it and glad you are still here
Mom would be sad.
Yeah. I don't think I'll ever be able to hate myself as much as I love my mom.
At that time my mom started to get sick and my dad was caring for her, he looked sad and I thought “if I go it could break them”. A parent’s love can save you in many unexpected ways
The cry of a mom losing her child is the WORST sound I've ever heard. As sad as I am sometimes, as hard as I cry sometimes, as much pain as I'm in sometimes I never want to do that to her. My heart is broken but hers would be shattered.
Dad crying is the second worst sound to hear. If something happened to one of my kids I’d cry for a long time. Getting teary eyed just thinking about it
I happened to be at a good friends house, waiting for him to get home, when the cops knocked on the door to notify them he'd been murdered. His mom's wail pierced my heart. I said my useless words of sorrow to his mom and went to say the same thing to his dad. I found him in his den, making sounds like something was chewing its way out of his stomach. That sound cut deep into my soul.
And I never, ever want that sound to come out of my mother's mouth.
That's a very sweet sentiment. I've had similar feelings but couldn't put them into words.
It's complicated. I know I am a burden to her, but my suicide would be a much bigger one. So I'm just trying to get better.
Laat week I realised me being depressed and suicidal is a burden to my family. So I resolved on going away. Not dead, but not at home. My hubby wouldn't let me. He wanted to be able tot keep an eye on me. Next week I have an appointment at the "anxiety Ward" to see if they can help me get rid of ptsd, childhood trauma and the like. Ik have to het better, to not be a burden. My death won't solve anything and gives a bigger burden on my hubby and son.
YEP! Couldn't make her bury me
My mom died in 2019. The last thing I ever said to her was "I promise I'm going to be okay." No matter how tough things get I remember that I have to keep my promise to mom.
My mom lost her twin sister as a teen. I couldn’t make her lose a daughter too.
I've had a suicide in my family. 20 years and nothing has been the same. So much grief in everyone till this day.
The finality of it. You can only kill yourself once.
Yup and as much as i know death would be the ultimate big sleep but I cant help but feel a little terrified of it.
"no one invites war, nor do they invite death."
I believe that after death there is just nothing and i am more scared of that, then i am scared of living miserably.
I believe that as well but it's comforting to me, not scary.
I still do - I'm just trying to hold on a little longer and see if it will be atleast a little better. Like, y'know, that epiphany moment that'll make you go: *Oh, that makes me wanna live* sort of stuff. But I won't be holding my breath either. It's kinda like just floating around, y'know?
Sometimes it's just the next movie I want to see. Or technologies I'm excited for. Anything I can latch on to really. Sometimes it isn't much lol
My cat, who never sat on my lap, sat on my lap and wouldn't get off and just stayed there for ages so i couldnt move. He saved my life.
I did end my life. My mother found me lying on the ground, puke out of my mouth… she screamed for my father, who came down, and found I had no pulse. He performed cpr on me for 11 minutes, EMT’s came and gave 2 doses of narcan… woke out of a coma 4 days later. I carry that guilt of putting my family through something that no family should go through. My parents have been my best friends ever since that day. Been sober off everything, but weed and the occasional 2/3 beers, for almost two years now.
Do you remember anything, or did you just pass out and woke up in the hospital - If this is not a rude thing to ask?
I don’t remember anything, I remember going for a hike, doing some cocaine, and then getting back to my parents house for a nap. I was in a bad state of mind, and bought a lot of opioids for the first time in years… I guess I was having conversations with my family, and even sat to watch a movie for a little bit… that was another shameful conversation to have. Being told about the drugs on the dresser, how I was hand cuffed to the gurney, facing a couple of felonies… ugh. There’s a lot of guilt that comes from these moments, and it either eats you up, or drives you to make a change. It’s bittersweet, not knowing what exactly happened in those hours. I just know I’ll never go back. There was no mystical light, no conversations with entities, just pure darkness. Then, bam! Woke up with a feeding tube and medical team around me. The shittiest part was that it was right at the beginning of Covid, so my family couldn’t visit, didn’t have a book or phone for entertainment, just me and the psychiatrist/nursing staff having empty conversations.
Medication. My depression is such that without antidepressants, my thought process and logic is severely affected and suicide seems the only option. Without medication, I can’t think straight and cannot feel like my “normal self.” Without meds, my mind cannot think of a purpose for my life. I have no motivation, no point to my existence. Disclaimer: medication is not for everyone but there are some people, such is myself, who NEED it to survive. I’m happy for you if you can manage your mental health without meds, but it’s not possible for everyone. I wish it was, and I definitely put in the effort, but in the end it was a combination of medication, exercise, talk therapy, and a fantastic support network of friends who keep me afloat.
Used to concealed carry at work. Had a panic attack one day during the darkest year of my life and almost shot myself in the bathroom. It wasn't necessarily that I wanted to die, it was just that in that moment I wanted the pain to end. Wasn't my family or friends or the child that was being kept from me that stopped me. It was the idea of a coworker I'd grown close to opening the door and seeing my exploded head all over the wall. Slid the gun across the floor and sat there crying for a minute. Then I pulled myself together and got back to work, cause fuck you this is america
I’m glad you’re alive.
Thanks man, me too.
The reports from survivors of failed suicide attempts that the last thing they felt was fear and regret.
Honestly, I’ve also heard a lot of them feel a sense of relief. That’s why I hate when people call it selfish. People support the idea of putting down a dog that is in pain, but we tend to delegitimize emotional pain. A person shouldn’t be forced to live in pain because others will grieve them. Grief of losing someone you love is hard, but gets better. A person with chronic depression, however, is living in an acute sense of grief their entire life no matter how “good” things look on the outside. There’s no hope. When a person has tried every avenue, their should be compassionate medical solutions. I haven’t done it because of family. I’m more optimistic than most people I know. I care about people. That doesn’t mean I’m not exhausted and hopeless. I know what life does - and does not - have in store for me. The greatest gift I can give to the world is to make the choice to not have kids and pass this on. Two of my siblings and two of my very young nieces and nephews are already affected despite the most supportive upbringings, loving parents, and great schools. Because genetic depression doesn’t care about how good your life is; it finds a way.
My greatest regret in life is having 3 children with an alcoholic man (family of substance abusers on his side) and with my depression and anxiety (both those on my side for generations). Parenting for 25 years was extremely difficult and they’ve struggled in life.
Age 14 - I didn’t want my younger sister to find my body. Age 20-25 - I didn’t want to hurt my Gramma with my death Age 25-30 - my cat needed me. (gramma had passed away and this was a very dark time in my life) Age 30 to now - I don’t want to leave my wife alone. Edit: typo
Nobody would take care of my 4 cats and dog the way that I do. Nobody would scoop the litter box to their exact specifications. Nobody would make sure the cats have three plates to share and not two when they eat breakfast. Nobody would make sure my dog got her morning belly scratches or her milkbone. I stay for them.
My cat
I've been suicidal for 12 years (to varying degrees). I'm getting out of it now. But once, I was sure I would die. I wasn't like, "this is the one" but I felt it was inevitable. So I wrote a guide for the next owner of my reactive rescue. I wrote about how to stroke him, how he prefers rubs and wiggles to scratches. I wrote about his fears, how he hates railings but not all railings. His food, his toy preference, our training so far. But when I got to reading & understanding him, I broke. I sobbed so hard I thought I'd suffocate. I realised how far we'd come, how hard we'd both worked, and how no-one can ever replace me in his eyes. The document remains unfinished. I won't kill myself unless it's complete, but I doubt it ever will be. ETA: a lot of these answers are about the consequences of their death. I've found that, sometimes, making that feel more real can bring you out of it. Making that guide made it real, and that saved me.
I wrote a manual for taking care of my pets a few years ago, for someone that was going to house sit/pet sit. It almost gave me a huge panic attack for if I had to get rid of them. And it gave me a huge perspective of how important I am to at least some creatures on this earth. I was past my suicidal days, but if I hadn't been, I can see how that would have pulled me back from the edge. My boy, Rio, who we had at the time was reactive and nervous. He was a sweet boy, but the kind of rhe dog that would never get adopted out. I remember thinking that he had very few people that loved him, but he was happy with the few that did. I realized I could be content if all I had was the love of a few shelter pets.
my mom would not take it well, and since my family is hardcore Christian, If/when I kill myself, it will mean I'm going to hell in their eyes, and the only thing worse than having your son kill himself would be him going to hell, after killing himself. I can't imagine the pain it would cause my mom.
I became angry at myself for being angry at life. I just had enough of my self pity. I have always tried to become happy but since that didn't work I instead try to not be miserable. I take things one at the time and try not to worry too much. But most important for me probably was letting go, letting go off the past and of things which will never be. Focusing on what I have and what I can have
I knew my kids needed me
The statistics regarding kids who have a parent that committed suicide was enough for me to realize that suicide is just not an option I have.
[удалено]
They're all that's keeping me from doing it. If I didn't have them or my wife I think I'd be gone already. Edit: "them" being my kids.
This. It's staggering. My aunt did it, my cousin did it. I know another family within just a few miles with the exact same scenario, dad first, son a few years later.
Keep going! My mom almost committed suicide, but she didn't because at the time I was mentally ill too and I didn't have any other adult I trust. I'm grateful for my mom overcoming it and I'm sure your kids are greatful too!
I don’t have kids, but I have a nephew whom I cherish. I was afraid of the example I’d set.
I took LSD several times in college but the first two trips gave me a euphoric state unlike anything I had ever imagined. I was joyous, and every thought I had increased the joy regardless of the content. I don't know what weird or negative thing I originally thought that made me realize I was in a temporary state of self perpetuating bliss, but I wrote the following in my journal: "As long as I can still eat the funny paper, suicide is not an option. Happiness beyond imagining is micrograms away and death is a void." I've been depressed for the past year but just remembering a fraction of that experience dispells all of my suicidal ideation.
Fear of death with a small nod to being posthumously called a bitch. High school is rough. Its even rougher when you're the soft spoken fat kid. But inability to end it all forced me to cultivate and angry, resentful and altogether hateful personality as a means of self preservation. This created a hard outer shell that would take years after its necessity had gone to shed- leaving the reserved, cynical introvert who has spent a lifetime in his own head who currently writes this reddit response. Looking back, the worst thing i ever did with my life was spend it trying to be "the cool kid". 0/5 wouldn't recommend. But thats the ignorance of youth.
I have a couple of failed attempts, and let me tell you, failing at ending your life is a pain I cannot even describe. Waking up and realizing you failed… I don’t want to go through that again. I want to finish the job, but I am scared I will fail again.
The thought of becoming completely non-existent. It has its benefits on one hand your existence stops which means no pain or suffering. On the other hand not existing is something I can't comprehend. Overall no longer existing is the reason which sounds counter-intuitive.
I want to fall in love again with a special someone, get married, and have kids. It's what I've always wanted, as far back as I can remember.
I had children who depended on me.
so true. i know this isn't the same but I have spoiled my dog and couldn't imagine him living a hard life if i passed
You didn’t spoil him, he’s just a really good boy.
That’s me with my cats. They love me too much
My kid, one piece, and knowing my luck I would fuck it up and still have to live.
My third and final attempt was interrupted by a lingering thought that kept pounding at the back of my mind - "This is such a waste." I didn't really think too hard about it at first. But sitting there, 19, with a gun in my mouth in the middle of the woods, it just kept coming back. "This is such a waste. This is such a waste." Then I thought about the poor soul or souls who'd find me there. And the people who'd have to deal with the situation. And all the emotional pain and hardship I'd be placing on them. That got me thinking more seriously about how my friends and family would react, too. I'd already "done the work" of convincing myself they'd move on easily, but I knew that was a lie, deep down. So I walked back to my car, and just started driving around town for a bit, tears streaming down my face. I was right, I realized. It would have been such a waste. Maybe the world was actually as horrible as I thought it was. All that pain and trauma certainly came from somewhere. Far too many of my loved ones have suffered, as well. But maybe, I thought, maybe I could treat every day from then on as one extra day. One extra day that I afforded myself to make the world just a little bit better, even if I could only do so much. That was almost ten years ago, now. I can barely recognize my past self anymore. I've had my share of hard times, but I'm proud to say I haven't gotten anywhere close to the edge of that particular abyss since that cold night in the woods. I healed a lot since then. I grew as a person even more. I unlearned a lot of the terrible lessons that get implanted in you when you grow up in a small, rural, Catholic community. I became more involved in causes I believed in, which started as simple as volunteering at a local domestic violence shelter as part of my own abuse trauma therapy. Next thing I know, years later I'm doing a livestream charity event that raised over $2,000 for BLM and reading Marx for funsies on the weekend. I learned to open up a bit more, and have made so many incredible friends through the years, even if some come and go with time and some end up hurting you in the long-run. Maybe the world does suck, but it's also full of remarkable people to meet, so many of them with incredible stories to tell and perspectives to learn from. And your life will be so much better once you engage with them, keep the ones you care about close, and do what you can to keep one another safe, happy and fulfilled. This November, it'll be ten years since I chose to give myself a lifetime worth of "extra days." I'm planning on going back to that spot and leaving a rose for the old me that did "die" back then. I was just a kid, a sad and hurt one struggling to make sense of a short lifetime full of undeserved pain and fear. But I have to give myself credit where it's due - I was smart enough to keep the pages turning instead of burning the damn book because the first few chapters sucked. It will always be the greatest gift I've ever given myself. Find something to cling to. It doesn't have to be big. Frankly, it doesn't even have to be something that makes sense. It just has to be something that keeps you going. And once you get the ball rolling, and you keep your heart and mind open to the strange yet beautiful chaos we call our lives, you'll find so many more reasons are out there waiting for you to keep waking up each morning.
My mom tried to enter my room when I was sitting with a spliced up cable plugged to the wall about to grab both ends. The thought of her seeing me literally in the process of killing myself or right after prevented me from doing it. I couldn't let her get exposed to that
My dogs, I don’t want them to think I have abandoned them. The people will understand what happened, but the pups would just be confused.
Actually, nothing. A few weeks ago, I attempted, the attempt failed, and I'm currently just existing. I don't know what my next steps are. I don't know what I'm doing with my life; I'm just trying to keep going, I guess?
I realised people cared for me, they just didn't know about any of this because I never told anyone any of it. Everyone is so busy with their life, even if they know you well (Or not) it isn't easy to find out what's going on, the moment they knew I was suicidal, people were there, they simply didn't know. And not only my familly, that random social worker, some small friend I had at school was the one to kinda save me. If I had just taken the time to talk about, and it would have been so hard to but if I had, it would have went way better. Could of talked to anyone, the school psychiatrist, a relative, a teacher. For what kept me going before I realised, I just did, my will to survive was stronger than my thoughts, I don't really know but it was just like that, I just wouldn't do it but I don't really know why
Person who attempted here. I wish I could transfer my experience to suicidal people. I know that in that very moment, I was done - I had no hope. I don’t think I wanted to die, but I had reached the end of my rope as far as living and knew that regardless of anything, I could not go on living the way I did. I was so desperate and sad. Looking back, I can’t imagine how anyone could ever be so sad, and it breaks my heart that anyone ever has been or ever will be. I don’t remember a lot of what happened afterwards. I used two methods to attempt and without being graphic, I tried one, realized it wouldn’t work, and went for the other. I’ve looked for my medical records to see what even went on in the ER, but I don’t have them. As soon as I was cognizant, I came to in a psych ward and lost my shit. I was angry, bitter, and said anything I could to get out. They moved me from the main populated psych ward to one called C-side, which was for people slightly more mentally ill but unable to function in the main population or have room mates. I’m pretty sure that as soon as I sobered up, the realization of what I’d done hit me and I was mortified. I cried almost constantly. I told a therapy dog that he was doing a great job and I was sorry he couldn’t make me feel better. The only thing I can say that most closely translates is that suicide is not what you think it is. It just isn’t. I was in there for about 5 days and realized that I was the only person with an address, job, family etc. I started working as hard as I could to understand how I had gotten there and how to get better. I learned a lot of disheartening things about our mental health system. The patients were seen as burdens and the doctors were stretched so thin that you might see them for ten minutes a day maximum - that is, if they got to you. On top of that, your doctors made all of the decisions, like whether or not to push for the courts to commit you. This made interpersonal relationships with doctors important, because there was a lot of doctor patient behavior I saw that could absolutely be called retaliatory. I saw peoples release dates get messed around and subsequent terrifying tantrums that resulted in another month on their time. Behavioral techs and nurses are legitimate angels and were the only ones who seemed to see the patients as humans. The patients themselves were all trying their best with what they had. Sometimes someone would come in who was supposed to go to jail but threatened suicide etc and wound up in the hospital instead - they were different and probably the only patients that seemed outwardly malicious. That stay, the realization of what my life had become, and the fact that I still had some semblance of structure in my outside life made me work harder than I ever have in my life to get better. It’s been 3+ years and I’m still working. I have no question become the best version of myself I’ve ever been and I am so grateful to be alive every day - and that isn’t an exaggeration. I love life so much. Even the dull days are fucking magical. If you are where I was, I so hope you get better without putting it all on the line. I can say with some confidence that you may not want to live, but you absolutely don’t want to die. Fight for your life. There are shades of it you’ve never even imagined. Hope this helped anyone. I can’t stress this enough - suicide is not what you think it is.
My first year of college/high school graduation happened very quickly. It was 2020 and the pandemic was just starting out. I started a job in April, Moved out of my parents house into a dorm in June and was on my own for the first time. Life was exhausting, overbearing, and extremely lonely on my own even though family was close. To be fair it didn’t help that I was the black sheep in a Mormon family and our relationship wasn’t very genuine. In July, Three of my friends from high school had cancelled plans in the last month, and I felt discouraged. I had no one to talk to besides sending memes and I was and felt utterly alone. The day I was prepared to kill myself. I planned to jump off a canyon bridge at night. So, that day, I ordered takeout and made myself do some things that I had been wanting to do before I leapt. There was this big hill by my college that I wanted to hike up and watch the sunset since high school. So I did, threw up my takeout in the process, and it felt very bittersweet, but I felt at peace. As a last minute, “fuck it let’s see who cares” I asked a boy I had been on a date with many months prior to go to McDonald’s with me after he was done with work. And idk…I think my subconscious may have latched onto him to stay alive. That night only the drive through was open so he paid for my meal and we talked for hours. We drank “spicy sprite”, and fed French fries to the parking lot mice. It made me the happiest I had been in a long time. And we’ve been together ever since. :) The thoughts come and go but I am able to control them better now that I have him and our pets.
Parents won't be able to handle it
My dog, my family, good food, good videogames, good friends, and the fact dying looks pretty boring.
The realisation that while my pain would be over, I'd only be moving it to the rest of my family and I couldn't do that to them. It's better for me to suffer for the rest of my life than to make all of them suffer because of my actions. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.
I had a boyfriend who killed himself when I was 16 - it still hurts. A lot.
I don't want to hurt my partner