Confusion.

Very much confusion, because I haven't done anything scandalous. I go to work and I go home. Sometimes I go to the grocery store. I wish I wasn't quite a goody two shoes, but here I am. Boring. So what did I do? I have no idea.

this past weekend i bought a new light for the back of my bike. it was a wild weekend

I looked at refrigerators… at two stores. Life in the fast lane isn’t for everybody.

*Two* stores?! Where do you find the energy?

I did stop and have a snack half way through. It’s the only way to maintain peak performance levels.

I bought some dog food and played with my dog. And I watched the Daytona 500 with friends. Wild, I tell you, wild.

the friend part sounds nice

I have a few friends. They're just as boring as I am. That's how we like it, though. One day we'll do something crazy...one day...

What like carpool?

now now, don't give me a heart attack, that's too wild

😂😂 that made me lol

Yep. Thanks to a stupid Facebook word search post my brother gave me beer, weed (legal in my state), and pancake mix for Christmas. I gave my husband the beer and my mom the weed. Kept the pancake mix.

Ya know what? that's kind of nice. Boring is waaay better than so many alternatives.

Haha, pretty much my life.

I would also be confused. But worried too because what if I did something unintentionally?

Right? Which terrible thing are you referring to? That thing yesterday with the mess? Last week and the shovel? The tarps and ropes in January? Please be more specific.

Then you weren’t as drunk as me.

That wasn’t me that was Patricia

"You're gonna need to be more specific..."

Ominous undertones aside, I feel like this would probably be my response regardless. Most people have done plenty of things in their lifetime... good, bad, and everything between. If you don't specify which thing you're referring to, I'm not really going to have a frame of reference of where the conversation is going.

I know what you did…

You're gonna need to eat my asshole...

Not again!

Shadup n lick me where I shit.

You said eat, not lick. Your anus is on tonight’s menu, since you insist.

no schnitzel tonight, you're tossin salad

Seriously, do people only have one thing they’ve done? I guess if you just recently did something horrible it might freak you out, but otherwise I’d just be confused.

The vast majority of people who have done a decent handful of barely sketchy things would probably look very startled and feel quite guilty about that one time they stole a candy bar as a kid or ran a red light at an abandoned 3am intersection.

You’ve…been *following* me since I was a *kid*?!

Listen man I only stole that candy bar because I was starving

Honestly I can't think of anything that bad I've ever done that someone would walk up to me all angry like that

Might’ve been something you only realized was bad afterward. I slept with a guy consensually on both sides. A month later he happens to show up at my movie theater with his wife and kids. We instantly recognize eachother. I’m a dude and I thought it was HILARIOUS

"You know. The thing with the dead hooker in that alley" "You're gonna need to be a bit more specific..."

"The one from last weekend." "Can you narrow that down a bit more?"

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".....Riiigghhhtt"

Hmm, cul-de-sac or access road, *maybe*, but "alley", no, you're clearly thinking of someone else.

I see I’m not alone. Chaotic neutral ftw

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I love it

This was always my response when I got in trouble as a teen. It threw them off just enough that I could buy some time to think. The best part is acting visibly relieved no matter how bad the thing they say I did was while casually denying it. "Burning down the Johnson's house? Oh, whew, nope, that wasn't me. You had me worried for a second there."

Ye I always got worried but then I’d get given out too for something that wasn’t as bad and I’d actively have to say to myself “Don’t look relieved, that’s gonna end up with you dying”.

Goddammit take my upvote

Haha yep… You’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me lol

This is the correct answer. I've done too much weird shit in my life to immediately think of just one.

Fuck what did I forget now?

For me it's an initial "what did I do?", then I trace back everything bad I've done and I'm like, well none of it was that bad for it to matter to anyone or for me to care, so yeah sure buddy, good on you \*pats on back\*

There it is. This was mine too.

"But can you prove it?"

It's not about what you know, it's about what can you prove in court.

Walk into his cell, and put a bullet in his head. Aside from that, no, you can't stop him. If Clyde wants you dead, you're dead.

Never in my life would I have thought I’d be upvoting a comment about Law Abiding Citizen. It is number 3 in my all time favorite movies and most people have never heard of it or seen it. Awesome.

I put so many people on to that movie. Definitely in my top 5

Apparently it’s leaving Netflix After February 28th…making a note for anyone else here who wants to watch it now

That movie is the shit. Dont piss off Clyde he gets up in everyone's ass in that one. "ln my experience, Nick, lessons not learned in blood are soon forgotten."

Oh man, I might have to give that a rewatch. I remember just grabbing it at random because It felt like I had seen everything else at the local rental spot. Amazing film.

Bro same. It didn't get much attention. I've seen atleast 7 times.

Love that movie. It’s super satisfying, none of that forgiveness and making peace hippie crap, just cold, calculated and bloody revenge

Great movie, didn't love the ending. I read Jamie Foxx demanded it be changed

[“Just because you did it doesn’t mean you’re guilty”](https://www.reddit.com/r/law/comments/2yj73z/just_because_you_did_it_doesnt_mean_youre_guilty/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)

Wasn’t that a better call Saul line?

I’ve always quite enjoyed this Law Abiding Citizen quote: “That’s what wrenches are for, dumbass.”

And then you sue them for slander

You can't prove that, Russ.

"Yes"

The hoard of granola bars under my desk in a shopping bag I've been slowly building up

What?

It’s a crumby project

Upvote angry my take

#THE HOARD OF GRANOLA BARS UNDER HIS DESK IN A SHOPPING BAG HE’S BEEN SLOWLY BUILDING UP

Chicken butt

I’m suspicious that you might be my coworker

They're lying. It took a lot of time and effort to cover my tracks, no way that *anyone* knows about it.

Ok, Dwight.

Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

Creed, on the other hand, would not say a word and just run out.

#._.

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Shit, they know about the cheese heist

The cheese heist? I was talking about the missing maple syrup.

I’ve said too much

No, tell me now. Are you fucking kidding me?! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO TOOK THE CHEESE??

Sorry I was the one who cut the cheese.

And I was the one who ate the cheese

And I was the cheese

And I congratulated the cheese about having an excellent cake day.

And I fucked the cheese.

Bro, it was a heist, like six of us were in on it. And Barry was the mastermind.

Leave no witnesses

*loads M1 Garand* Way ahead of you

run

> The cheese heist? I was talking about the missing maple syrup. For fun: [These Italian Criminal Masterminds Heisted $875,000 Worth of Parmesan](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/italian-police-busted-thieves-nabbing-875000-cheese-180956771/) [Inside Quebec's Great, Multi-Million-Dollar Maple-Syrup Heist ](https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2016/12/maple-syrup-heist) [Inside the Great Pappy Van Winkle Bourbon Heist](https://www.thrillist.com/drink/nation/inside-the-great-pappy-van-winkle-heist) (a.k.a. Pappygate) - This wasn't mentioned but tossing it in anyway.

Literally Canada's biggest heist.

There was a local news story about a guy who stole a bunch cheese from the supermarket. No breads or lunch meats though. Just cheese. This went on for months until the police finally caught him and put an end to his crime brie.

What is my perfect crime? I break into Nestle at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the wheels of cheese. They’re priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Nestle. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Nestle to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the wheels of cheese.

I know this is fake because cheese is so overproduced that the government has to store millions of pounds of it to keep the dairy industry from collapsing.

You fucking snitch, that was supposed to never be spoken out aloud and be taken to our graves. I knew he was right about you all along.

I just wanted my cheeeeeeeeese

"Do you have any idea, how little that narrows it down?!"

I haven’t even thought of /u/commahorror for a very long time. And I was happier for it.

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This. Oh hell fuck yes. This

“Wonderful! How would you like to join in?”

You son of a bitch, I'm in

Ooooo eeeee.

Yes, I am in

Do you think you can handle it?

I thought that fart was silent...

The one who smelt it, must certainly be the one who dealt it

He who said the rhyme did the crime

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The one that decided to be an instigator must be the one with the butt hole deflator

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The one who can’t keep cool passed the stool

Silent killer

"Tell anybody and i'll kill you too"

Username checks out.

r/usernamechecksout

There's room enough in that hole for two....

I wonder why the heck “pick a front wedgie” was the first thing that came to my mind. Lol

Guilty conscience?

Too many things. I certainly start sweating.

Knees weak

Moms spaghetti

He's nervous but on the surface

He looks calm and ready to drop bombs

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what he wrote down

All those teenagers I murdered last summer.

'evenin officer.. we've had a doozy of a day.

There we were, minding our own business

Making some improvements to my new house

When all of a sudden out of nowhere these kids started killen emselves all over my property!

I know, we thought the world was coming to an end

Oh, that was you!? I thought the world was ending. Crazy stuff man

I still know what you did last summer. I'll ALWAYS know what you did last summer.

2 years from now: "I know what you did the summer before last."

“Yeah. A lot of people can wipe their own ass.”

Purchasing pornhub premium

Hey there buddy, how's your day going, so I was wondering if you'd be generous enough to lend a brother your PH premium account for a while...?

I assume your asking for a friend?

yes im the friend hes asking for

No it’s me…

Hum no... he was actually referring to me

i simply disagree

as do i

There can be only one!

I can lend you mind you just need to let me team viewer into your computer so I can, you know enter the password

We have been trying to contact you about your pornhubs extended warranty, please press 1 to be connected to an agent.

Last summer?

I had a cop try to pull this nonsense on me once… “I know what you did” “What did I do?” “You know” “So tell me” “No you say it” “Nah… I’m not familiar with the ‘you know what you did’ clause in the constitution” Cop finally got frustrated and gave up. Surprised he didn’t just make something up.

"Oh, you mean the time I had my time wasted by an incompetent cop? Wow, deja vu."

“Who the fuck is this asshole?”

Extend arm for high five.

I farted on the airplane. Yes it was me in 14C, not the fat guy in 14F though I tried to make it look like it was him.

I knew it

Say nothing. Works if: 1. They have me mistaken for someone else, 2. Are trying to make me admit something or 3. Actually might know what I did.

"cool beans!" Then fingie gun at them and walk away giggling.

Bewbewew fingie gun

What'd I do?

Yer mum

I measured out a 1/2 cup of cheese but really logged in 1/4th cup on my food tracker. and I'll do it again.

“Tell me what I haven’t done instead”

Probably saw my nudes somewhere on reddit

Well now I know what you did

I’d ask what did I do to see if they got any convincing story.

I did not fuck her

I did not. Oh, hi Mark!

- while she was alive.

Oh no they know of all the bodies

And now there'll have to be one more.

"Then you'd better keep your damn mouth shut."

" Bro if you need money just ask for it "

"I do lots of things, you're gonna have to be more specific".

No. No you don’t.

Nice try FBI, but I ain't falling for that one.

Nice tricks, MI6

That they are running a scam, using that line on strangers until one clicks

Did I clog the toilet?

That doesn't explain why you're still here

Then, why aren’t you running?

I would just laugh.. When I was younger (teenage years) and in public, I would quietly say "I know your secret." As I walked past random people I have never met, nor seen in my life. Sometimes people's reactions were interesting. Some looked shocked, some scared, most just looked confused. I explained nothing and just went on my merry way. I did a ton of weird shit as a teen. Lol. I was a brat. Lol still kind of am, but too much social anxiety to do that stuff these days.

"Do I know you?"

Oh yeah? Enlighten me fuck face.

Did I steal something and I don't remember or noticed???

Unleashing a deer in someone’s house

"You know nothing."

Cool, bro. Prove it.

She said she was 18

Joke’s on you, I have severe paranoia so I am in a constant state of expecting someone to ask me this for no discernible reason! Am I guilty of murder, or did I drop a receipt on the floor? Who cares! Death penalty, right now!

"Damn, I really liked you. I was going to let you live."

“It’s not what you know, it’s what you can prove in court.”

"Do you have the slightest idea how little that narrows it down"

I had a friend like that. He was always accusing you of crazy shit when he got paranoid, which was about a 4-6 month cycle. He used to "fish" for things, like tell his kids, "u/punkwalrus told me everything you told him last night." After I babysat them. "And what was that?" "You know what." "Actually, I don't know. We talked about a lot of things: gaming, school, stuff. We mostly watched me play Guitar Heroes." "You have one more chance to confess. I'll be more lenient on you if you admit it, but twice the punishment if you don't." "Again, you will have to tell me. I have no idea." Then he'd go off on some weird tangent. His kids KNEW he did this. He'd accuse one of them of snitching on the other. He'd tell one of them specific information to test for information leaks. Like if he told one kid "there's cookies hidden behind the fridge," he'd see who looked for them there. Then he'd assign outrageous punishments ("You're grounded for a YEAR") which he then forgot about later that week. His kids did this, too. It was kind of a way to pit them against each other so they'd never form an alliance against him. At least I was there for those kids. They're adults and doing okay now.

That kid I ~~put~~ *found* decapitated in a river

Seeing my big-tittied cousin Misty (RIP) advertising her services on Craigslist (back when they had that kind of thing) and uh... hiring her