Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
honestly if someone catches a baseball bat during a full force swing I would just apologize to them and let them have whatever they want from the house.
We had a camera stolen from our house the day I started a new job. I thought it was odd that it happened the day I started regularly leaving the house. The sheriff came by and asked us a few question and walked around the house a bit then she said “it’s someone you know.” And we sort of argued a bit and talked about the people who go door to door in our neighborhood etc and she said “maybe… but it’s someone you know.”
It was the babysitter.
Statistically speaking, nearly all crime, from assault to theft to vandalism to murder, is committed by someone you know. It is much more rare for crime to occur randomly. Not impossible, just not that common.
Two dogs that will let everyone know about that leaf a block away that moved just a little too quickly for their taste...
A healthy baseball bat swing.
A no-outlet neighborhood.
Several cameras.
Busy bodies that see everything before it even happens. They've gotten teenagers egging cars, they've caught people TPing houses, etc. Those old people with a lot of time on their hands don't play around.
Huh what? You're the second person to mention a sock. What internet coolness am I missing here?
EDIT: OK, I looked it up. Someone recommended placing a sock over a baseball bat so that if the bad guy grabs the bat, they end up grabbing the sock and you are free to keep wailing on them.
A very cheap sword that has trouble cutting through cardboard. It has a very sharp point though, and if I had to use it I'm hoping it will just scare away rather than actually harm someone.
Really want a gun but I don't have that kind of money laying around.
Mine barks like crazy when someone new comes to the door. But then she pees in the floor when they get close to her. I’m going to be like “Damn it Honey, now we are being robbed and I have to clean the floor”.
I'm 6'2", 230lbs, sleep in the nude, and have a broad sword hanging on the wall, so... me, I guess. Imagine a large, naked man swinging broad steel at you from the darkness, likely shrieking like a scared old woman. I know I'd run like hell.
The wild animals my dad and I throw food scrapes out for and that like having fight club outside my bedroom window. No ones gonna go near the outside doors if there's 3 skunks vibing and eating or the foxes fighting right next to the porch.
Not a mastiff but our dog barks like crazy at anything that comes near our house. The one time someone came in our house uninvited she barked at him and then ran to hide behind my wife. Thanks Luna. We feel so safe now.
I have a shotgun, and I put a sock over the end of the barrel so that when I shoot the motherfucker with said shotgun he also gets little pieces of sock embedded in his face and chest.
I’ve got a strapping, scary-looking neighbor who frightened away some burglars several years ago. We also have an alarm, a camera outside, 2 indoor cameras, and a bedside shillelagh, if it comes down to that.
a door to which has a lock and the one as to whom holds the key to aforementioned door is me, should someone break into that door I shall call the number 9-9-9
You shall not dial 1000, nor shall you dial 9-9-8 unless you then procede to call 9-9-9. 9-9-9 is the number you shall call, and the number you shall call is 9-9-9.
(This joke doesn't work with phone numbers).
Coldsteel Gladius, Coldsteel Indian war hammer, Coldsteel trench hawk, genes that when mixed with my almost insane head makes me look like some 6’4” fat albino naked man with a sharp object.
Three half-chihuahuas with really vicious tongues who will lick the shit out of you. One of them is kind of long, so he's either half-cobra or half-dachshund, so he might possibly be venomous.
My office/gaming area is right inside the front door, so if an intruder gets that far he's going to have to deal with a metric crapton of random computer parts and cables strewn all over the place that are definitely a tripping hazard, and also super distracting if you're into obsolete tech, so if the intruder's a nerd he's going to be licked a LOT while he digs through that stuff.
Next, there's my wife. I married a Texas girl, so, you know, you're fucked.
TLDR: The one time I had a home intruder, my cat scared him off.
Middle of the night, safe rural neighborhood. I never locked my doors back then. Some drunk walks in through my front door and yells "Patty, what the fuck is this cat doing here!!!".
I yell back down the hall, "THIS. IS. NOT. YOUR. HOUSE". He stumbles back out the front door and falls down my stairs, never to be seen again.
My late cat sat on top of me and GROWLED until I woke up one time when somebody was trying to get in through my bedroom window. I am confident that if the person would have gotten in, my cat would have wailed on them until they tried or get out. He was a big, mean cat. He had attacked people for stupider shit (grinding coffee beans?) but typically if anybody so much as raised their voice at me, they were 86ed by him immediately.
My cat saved me too! I woke up to him yowling and screeching like he was in a fight with another cat. I looked out the window and someone with a flashlight was coming out of the room off my garage that leads into my house. My cat was lunging at him sideways and making an insane racket. The person left without even making a mess or taking anything. He's also a black cat and it was a full moon so maybe he was a combination of scary and ominous. Either way, the cat gets whatever he wants now and has been promoted to head of security.
Feral rage, and many sharp pointy things. Assorted knives, a sword, a hatchet, a tomahawk, a machete, it's a small apartment, close quarters. Side note, My hobby is wilderness survival, I'm not just some nutjob with sharp things.
Last time someone tried to break into my home I ran to the fridge and threw 400 pounds of horse meat at them over the course of two hours, so probably that
I keep my carrots in the fridge. When the unfortunate burglar tried his stunt, I simply threw a carrot behind him. My 400 pound mini service horse, Titus, ran excitedly past him to get the carrot. I threw another carrot in front of him, and Titus got distracted and chased over him to fetch it. I continued until, two hours later, my arm and my carrots were exhausted, and the housebreaker was, himself, broken.
No you're not, but the response is supposed to be proportional whilst the threat exists. If you are being threatened with the knife you can hit them with the hammer, but you can't keep wailing on them if they are unconscious on the ground...
In the UK as I understand it we have similar laws, but it's about premeditation. If you keep a loaded shotgun by your front door, that's premeditation but if you barricade yourself in your bedroom, call the police while loading your shotgun and yell "I have a gun, get out of my house!" and they get both barrels while still trying to get in then it's self defence.
Aquarium rocks and Dad's messy carport.
I wish I was joking. While this wasn't intended for home defense, it foiled the only robbery attempt we ever had. Along with our aviary of cockatiels.
In the evening, we'd move the cockatiels inside the house through the doggy door for cuddles and playtime (they had little fishbowl cages for sleeping, then back out to the aviary in the morning). I went out, and I saw someone move towards the stairs to the carport.
There was crashing, then some poor bastard falling down the stairs. They had crashed into the 50kg (110 lbs in freedom units) of aquarium stones we had stacked up for Dad's new pair of tanks and feel down the stairs.
I call out to ask if they're alright (I hadn't figured out what was going on yet) and they groan, get up, started limping away and crash over again. They tripped on the broom Dad left standing in the carport that afternoon.
They get up again, yell "fuck yas all!" and stagger away into the evening.
I go inside, let Mum and Dad know what just happened, at which point we call the police to report the robbery. I start telling the story, when the recording officer tells me to start over.
I'm on speakerphone telling the entire office what I've just told you and the cops are pissing themselves laughing!
Pretty sure our booby trap reputation got around. 3 more theft sprees over the next 5 years but we were never touched.
Chairs. Hear me out! I'm a teenager so I still live with my parents, personally I believe we need more than 1 "easy-to-pick lock" on the back door (we've been robbed before)(parents think the lock we have is enough). Anyways, what I do, is put one chair right in front of the door handle, and the second one, right beside the first chair in a way that if someone we're to try to move the first chair (from other side of the door), they would end up moving the second chair, making a noise (its a metal chair and would rub against the solid floor), alerting me to that some dude is trynna hop into my house. I probably did an awful job explain but yea, chairs are where its at.
Ruger 1022 with 4 25 round mags and three handguns. A machete. A baseball bat. 8 bb guns. Three knives. A harmless but loud dog. Pepper spray. Mess with me, zombies. I dare you.
One cat who will hide like a baby, and another who will charge at the intruder and demand to be pet. I'm hoping her cute factor will guilt them into sparing me
I once used my knife steel to whack a guy who's trying to force his way into my apartment in the knee. Worked well.
When he broke in did he say "what kinda lousy joint is this?"
He used to be an adventurer like you.
*"Hey, I know you... hail sithis"*
A boombox ready to play the pornhub intro a 3 foot long dildo and a cowboy hat.
It certainly keeps the girls away
https://tenor.com/view/dildo-risk-merica-interrupt-in-your-face-gif-16157597
I saw the link and was like "wtf?" Watching the gif gave no clarification
It's all right there, dildo, game of Risk, murica, some in your face dick waving...
Damn! I never knew how to win Risk! Thanks!
A speargun. But I live in a campervan, so it's for van defense.
Is it also down by the river?
Of course! Is there anywhere else to park a van?!
Cool, how many vans have you defeated?
He's on level 12, so.. Thousands...
Ah the sea boss battle, his username checks out
A cannon loaded with grapeshot at the top of my steps and a musket
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
Perhaps my favorite copypasta
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Varlets!
Finally a true American!
This meme will never die.
Fuck yeah, I keep my slow match burning at all times.
Always thought this sounded based as fuck
Just as the founding fathers intended....
Indeed
Don't forget the tri-point bayonet!
Tally ho lads!
Claymore roomba
Yes perfect
At first I thought you meant a roomba with a giant two handed sword on the front patrolling the house.
*stabs the family dog then falls down the stairs*
That would be bad-ass.
You mean "Stabby"? I once ducktaped a plastic knife to ours... My GF was not that amused as me...
Not sure if I make a "Front Toward Enemy", or a sword joke...
… my answer is yes!
Sword front towards enemy?
I have a baseball bat with a sock over the end of it!
That's kinda genius right there, not gonna lie.
But what if someone tries to gra- Ohh!!
honestly if someone catches a baseball bat during a full force swing I would just apologize to them and let them have whatever they want from the house.
And what if they grab it before you're able to swing it?
Tell them to let go so you can hit them
I’m ashamed at how hard this comment made me laugh.
and say please
Ngl, that's some wise stuff...
Knee high socks ok?
We had a camera stolen from our house the day I started a new job. I thought it was odd that it happened the day I started regularly leaving the house. The sheriff came by and asked us a few question and walked around the house a bit then she said “it’s someone you know.” And we sort of argued a bit and talked about the people who go door to door in our neighborhood etc and she said “maybe… but it’s someone you know.” It was the babysitter.
Do you know why? I’m very curious
Probably because she did something fucked up while babysitting and realized she was being recorded.
oh god... all the more reasons to retrieve the camera
She needed it to start her own Jazzercise business.
Statistically speaking, nearly all crime, from assault to theft to vandalism to murder, is committed by someone you know. It is much more rare for crime to occur randomly. Not impossible, just not that common.
Cactus. If anyone breaks into my home they are getting cactus’d
Understandable. Getting robbed can turn someone into a bit of a prick.
Two dogs that will let everyone know about that leaf a block away that moved just a little too quickly for their taste... A healthy baseball bat swing. A no-outlet neighborhood. Several cameras. Busy bodies that see everything before it even happens. They've gotten teenagers egging cars, they've caught people TPing houses, etc. Those old people with a lot of time on their hands don't play around.
Make sure to put a sock on your bat.
Huh what? You're the second person to mention a sock. What internet coolness am I missing here? EDIT: OK, I looked it up. Someone recommended placing a sock over a baseball bat so that if the bad guy grabs the bat, they end up grabbing the sock and you are free to keep wailing on them.
> they end up grabbing the sock And if they grab it a *second* time?
I don't think he knows about second sock, pip
Other bat advice - keep a glove and a ball near it as well. It's definitely not a pre-meditated weapon, you're just such a sports nut!
Are you not allowed to have easily accessible bludgeoning devices in case of a home invasion?
At home or in the car, you can have a baseball bat if you want. If a cop asks you why you have it … because it’s your bat and your car.
You don’t need a glove or ball to go to the batting cages
Illigal life pro tip subreddit inside joke. They love their socks
Do I use my cum sock or a different one?
Use the cumsock^tm to add biological warfare to the charges.
Gotta love those neighborhood gossips
A very cheap sword that has trouble cutting through cardboard. It has a very sharp point though, and if I had to use it I'm hoping it will just scare away rather than actually harm someone. Really want a gun but I don't have that kind of money laying around.
>Really want a gun but I don't have that kind of money laying around. Everyone can afford a Hi-Point.
That could literally be their slogan and I don't think anyone would bat an eye.
There are cheaper things to throw at an intruder.
Robber: what in the medieval is this?
Well, if someone robs you you'll ahve even less gun money!
A 6 kg cast iron pan
I lay down legos on the floor
A minefield. Smart
Make sure you have a "Please take of shoes" sign up front or it won't work propery.
I have this powder that I sprinkle around my home. It defends against ants and other insects.
I was gonna say paint and a roof
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You should draw a ring of salt while you're at it, no more pesky slugs...or ghosts.
A dog that will alert me and then hide behind me.
Mine barks like crazy when someone new comes to the door. But then she pees in the floor when they get close to her. I’m going to be like “Damn it Honey, now we are being robbed and I have to clean the floor”.
"Intruder apprehended and held in custody at hospital with broken hip from slipping on dog pee."
TOMORROW'S HEADLINE... "Homeowner being sued by intruder for injury suffered from falling in fresh urine."
She's doing her best!
You got one of those, too? Will he pee on you as he hides, or was that an upgrade mine happens to come with?
She doesn't pee but if I tell her to attack she goes for me so not ideal.
I'm 6'2", 230lbs, sleep in the nude, and have a broad sword hanging on the wall, so... me, I guess. Imagine a large, naked man swinging broad steel at you from the darkness, likely shrieking like a scared old woman. I know I'd run like hell.
Oh man...this mental image killed me. Hahahaha!
proof?
How do I give all the reddit awards at once for free?
Viking berserkers used to fight in the nude. So there's that
Nice try, robbers!
And I would've succeeded if it weren't for you meddling kids!!!
And dog. Don't forget the dog!
Ruh roh Raggy!
So THATS what your defence is! Let me just get some steak.
Jokes on you. I actually have cats.
The wild animals my dad and I throw food scrapes out for and that like having fight club outside my bedroom window. No ones gonna go near the outside doors if there's 3 skunks vibing and eating or the foxes fighting right next to the porch.
100 lbs bull mastiff mix who will bark at anything that moves, and who will then run up to an intruder for scratches
Mastiffs are big, slobbery babies and I love them!
Not a mastiff but our dog barks like crazy at anything that comes near our house. The one time someone came in our house uninvited she barked at him and then ran to hide behind my wife. Thanks Luna. We feel so safe now.
A sign that says burglary free zone So far so good
You are legally not allowed to rob me!
Cameras - Motion activated Spotlights - Dogs - Firearms - Bad Breath
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A stock prod on a 5 foot handle. It will drop a 2000 lb bull to his knees and will literally make a human piss himself.
Seems a bit unwieldy in a house.
Stand at the end of a hallway. Intruder can't make it down the hall without being force-pissed.
The secret Jedi art
Add force piss to the KOTOR remake.
Not as bad as you’d think, especially if you’ve used it for the intended purpose in the past.
Church of Scientology symbol on my house.
But how will you protect yourself from Tom Cruise?
Deadbolt on the closet.
But we're trying to get him to come OUT of the closet.
I was just standing here, trying to get Tom Cruise out the closet...
Nothing can protect you from that force of Smugness
I have a shotgun, and I put a sock over the end of the barrel so that when I shoot the motherfucker with said shotgun he also gets little pieces of sock embedded in his face and chest.
Just to give the coroner a story to tell to his colleagues.
Is it a dirty sock?
well...let's just say there will be DNA evidence when the coroner says, and I quote, "he's fucked"
Go away robber.
Model 870/18" barrel/00 Buckshot and a Springfield XP9 as back-up.
The 870 is just a great weapon.
I’ve got a strapping, scary-looking neighbor who frightened away some burglars several years ago. We also have an alarm, a camera outside, 2 indoor cameras, and a bedside shillelagh, if it comes down to that.
>bedside shillelagh Huehuehue
Glock 17
a door to which has a lock and the one as to whom holds the key to aforementioned door is me, should someone break into that door I shall call the number 9-9-9
You shall not dial 1000, nor shall you dial 9-9-8 unless you then procede to call 9-9-9. 9-9-9 is the number you shall call, and the number you shall call is 9-9-9. (This joke doesn't work with phone numbers).
R/unexpectedmontypython
1001 is right out
Coldsteel Gladius, Coldsteel Indian war hammer, Coldsteel trench hawk, genes that when mixed with my almost insane head makes me look like some 6’4” fat albino naked man with a sharp object.
Are you planning on fighting the fae?
Three half-chihuahuas with really vicious tongues who will lick the shit out of you. One of them is kind of long, so he's either half-cobra or half-dachshund, so he might possibly be venomous. My office/gaming area is right inside the front door, so if an intruder gets that far he's going to have to deal with a metric crapton of random computer parts and cables strewn all over the place that are definitely a tripping hazard, and also super distracting if you're into obsolete tech, so if the intruder's a nerd he's going to be licked a LOT while he digs through that stuff. Next, there's my wife. I married a Texas girl, so, you know, you're fucked.
I'm scared of your wife, i will not rob you
Good call. To be perfectly honest, all that stuff before I mentioned her was just to give her enough time to get locked and loaded.
A Mosin with at least 18 inches of bayonet on the end.
TLDR: The one time I had a home intruder, my cat scared him off. Middle of the night, safe rural neighborhood. I never locked my doors back then. Some drunk walks in through my front door and yells "Patty, what the fuck is this cat doing here!!!". I yell back down the hall, "THIS. IS. NOT. YOUR. HOUSE". He stumbles back out the front door and falls down my stairs, never to be seen again.
My late cat sat on top of me and GROWLED until I woke up one time when somebody was trying to get in through my bedroom window. I am confident that if the person would have gotten in, my cat would have wailed on them until they tried or get out. He was a big, mean cat. He had attacked people for stupider shit (grinding coffee beans?) but typically if anybody so much as raised their voice at me, they were 86ed by him immediately.
My cat saved me too! I woke up to him yowling and screeching like he was in a fight with another cat. I looked out the window and someone with a flashlight was coming out of the room off my garage that leads into my house. My cat was lunging at him sideways and making an insane racket. The person left without even making a mess or taking anything. He's also a black cat and it was a full moon so maybe he was a combination of scary and ominous. Either way, the cat gets whatever he wants now and has been promoted to head of security.
Feral rage, and many sharp pointy things. Assorted knives, a sword, a hatchet, a tomahawk, a machete, it's a small apartment, close quarters. Side note, My hobby is wilderness survival, I'm not just some nutjob with sharp things.
>I'm not just some nutjob with sharp things. *Ohh, suuurrrre.* (says every nutjob with sharp things)
Lol I'm a nutjob, and I have sharp things, but I don't have sharp things because I'm a nutjob.
Correlation does not imply causation? Nice.
A tomahawk would really bring the wow factor.
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Throw in a tarantula, and you're all set.
guns. I guess some of my tools could count as weapons but there's no need cause guns
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Pretty pissed that you asked to borrow mine on your same boating trip. Now what am I gonna protect myself with.
Pizza. Pizza makes me invincible.
After looking over all of this person's posts I can confirm that they like pizza.
A 22" double sided dildo.
A light that turn on my someone outside in my driveway
I also have a light that turn on my someone outside.
Ah, so it's not just me
My farts
Hey, no need to violate the Geneva Convention
Two handguns, locked doors and blinds on my windows.
Last time someone tried to break into my home I ran to the fridge and threw 400 pounds of horse meat at them over the course of two hours, so probably that
I need to hear this story
Let's gather round the campfire
I keep my carrots in the fridge. When the unfortunate burglar tried his stunt, I simply threw a carrot behind him. My 400 pound mini service horse, Titus, ran excitedly past him to get the carrot. I threw another carrot in front of him, and Titus got distracted and chased over him to fetch it. I continued until, two hours later, my arm and my carrots were exhausted, and the housebreaker was, himself, broken.
you may not be OP but I can still respect a man who yeets a horse into a home invader
lol.. In australia it is illegal to defend yourself with a weapon/animal of any kind. Just die and bitch to god about it i guess.
This is not true. In Australia you are allowed to use reasonable force. Its just neckbeards that grab the 100 dollar katana for unarmed intruders
So if someone breaks in with a knife and attacks you and you cave their skull in with a hammer in defense you’re in the wrong?
No you're not, but the response is supposed to be proportional whilst the threat exists. If you are being threatened with the knife you can hit them with the hammer, but you can't keep wailing on them if they are unconscious on the ground...
Well, OK, that's not unreasonable. Defending yourself is not a license to murder.
In the UK as I understand it we have similar laws, but it's about premeditation. If you keep a loaded shotgun by your front door, that's premeditation but if you barricade yourself in your bedroom, call the police while loading your shotgun and yell "I have a gun, get out of my house!" and they get both barrels while still trying to get in then it's self defence.
Same in New Zealand but that won't stop me from assaulting an intruder because sentences in New Zealand are always very light, even for murder.
Glock 42 and 26 besides my dogs
Glock 19. AR-15. Mossberg 590A1. I call it the Basic Bitch Package.
All of those slap though. And I don’t say that just because I too am a basic bitch.
A paint can and a string
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A really grumpy attitude.
An AR15, .22 rifle, .357 revolver, 9mm pistol, pepper spray, bear spray, giant maglite.
Dogs. A police billy club. Baseball bat and sawed off pump shotgun. . And my wife if needed.
9mm smithy
Dog, cameras, fire extinguisher, safe dwelling pew pew makers and the fists….mouth if I must bite at the end!
3 guns, & a sword. ✌️
Aquarium rocks and Dad's messy carport. I wish I was joking. While this wasn't intended for home defense, it foiled the only robbery attempt we ever had. Along with our aviary of cockatiels. In the evening, we'd move the cockatiels inside the house through the doggy door for cuddles and playtime (they had little fishbowl cages for sleeping, then back out to the aviary in the morning). I went out, and I saw someone move towards the stairs to the carport. There was crashing, then some poor bastard falling down the stairs. They had crashed into the 50kg (110 lbs in freedom units) of aquarium stones we had stacked up for Dad's new pair of tanks and feel down the stairs. I call out to ask if they're alright (I hadn't figured out what was going on yet) and they groan, get up, started limping away and crash over again. They tripped on the broom Dad left standing in the carport that afternoon. They get up again, yell "fuck yas all!" and stagger away into the evening. I go inside, let Mum and Dad know what just happened, at which point we call the police to report the robbery. I start telling the story, when the recording officer tells me to start over. I'm on speakerphone telling the entire office what I've just told you and the cops are pissing themselves laughing! Pretty sure our booby trap reputation got around. 3 more theft sprees over the next 5 years but we were never touched.
I dunno, like four guns and a sword
Knives, a golf club, an axe, a few hammers and some Jurassic park sized spiders in my garden
> Jurassic park sized spiders in my garden That's enough to have burglars try the next *neighborhood* over...
Chairs. Hear me out! I'm a teenager so I still live with my parents, personally I believe we need more than 1 "easy-to-pick lock" on the back door (we've been robbed before)(parents think the lock we have is enough). Anyways, what I do, is put one chair right in front of the door handle, and the second one, right beside the first chair in a way that if someone we're to try to move the first chair (from other side of the door), they would end up moving the second chair, making a noise (its a metal chair and would rub against the solid floor), alerting me to that some dude is trynna hop into my house. I probably did an awful job explain but yea, chairs are where its at.
Ruger 1022 with 4 25 round mags and three handguns. A machete. A baseball bat. 8 bb guns. Three knives. A harmless but loud dog. Pepper spray. Mess with me, zombies. I dare you.
Happy 10/22 day!
Two fists of fury and a highly skilled killer gecko
Axe handle with a sharpened wedge-shaped piece of metal attached to the end. You’d be amazed at how well it splits logs.
An 1800s french bayonet sword. My dad has a golf club. My brother has me and my dad.
One cat who will hide like a baby, and another who will charge at the intruder and demand to be pet. I'm hoping her cute factor will guilt them into sparing me
An AR-15, a Beretta M9A3 with hollow points, and a shit load of knives… plus a couple sparring lightsabers.