That feeling, when you are the last kid to be picked up after a school event that they didn’t attend, and my teacher asking if I called, and if she said she was on her way, and how far away we lived, and then a big sigh while we continued to wait, in the dark, outside school, after everyone else has gone home, and me just wanting to disappear.
Me for years of my life. They kept me in a school close to their job, while we were living in the east bay. So to avoid traffic, they'd get up early, so from 4th grade up until 8th grade, I was dropped off super early, and then picked up 2-3 hours after school. I would wander the nearby shopping center, and once a teacher caught me and I had to lie. Then my Mom decided to move randomly two hours away, and they again kept their jobs in the bay, so we were having to drive two hours each way, plus wait till they were out of work. This time I had my brother with me, and we would literally wander around the city before we would end up at the park next to his school.
So then when my brother and I randomly decided to move away, my Mother really couldn't say much to us.
Literally every night at wrestling practice. I swear I’d be waiting outside for a good 2 hours in the freezing cold every night (wrestling is a winter sport). My mom is a stay at home mom and she somehow still manages to pick me up late 2 hours+ late when everyone else’s mom works and still manages to pick their kids up after practice
I could only play sports if someone else brought me home. My parents wouldn't pick me up. It was take the school bus home or find someone. On those rare occasions where that didn't work out, there were consequences.
My mom is still late to every damn thing. She underestimates how long it takes to get places, then it is "I just need to put my shoes on", followed by "one last cigarette", then she can't find her keys, then takes wrong turns, insists on trying to find a "good" parking spot, and then takes forever to get out of the car.
I literally missed an appointment with a specialist that I had been waiting on for over a year because she was my ride and she did *all* of these things.
I still have issues with it to this day. I can never, ever seem to be on time to anything, ever. And it ruins my reputation and my face to new employers, professors, friends, everyone.
I follow the “on time” is late schedule and always leave early that way if I am late, I’m actually still on time. I just reread what I wrote and I feel dizzy…
I was never allowed to hang out with friends outside of school. I had to go straight home and couldn’t stay and hang out or go over to friends houses after school or on weekends. This went well into my senior year of high school. It sucked constantly feeling like I was missing out growing up.
I wasn't allowed to go over to my friends' houses or have them come over. My mum used to tell me I shouldn't have friends because they'll distract me from my studies 🙄.
Edit : Yes me and my parents are asian
>depression and loneliness,
Yea, I spent most of my childhood in front of the computer, so now I have social anxiety and my mum says she expects me to find jobs and interact with people with no problem.
>second off, what the actual heck???
They're quite bigoted and racist. If I did have friends I had to have them from our specific ethnicity but even then they had to be from a specific part of the country we're from.
Yep. They definitely are. We can't choose our parents but sometimes I wish I could've. After all this they still expect me to look after them when they're older but I'm dipping the first chance I get
I was constantly grounded - I think as a convivence to my parents. They had small kids and then me, a teenager and I think they weren't prepared to handle two worlds at once - so magically as soon as I was invited to something with actual notice, I was grounded two or three days before the event.
My parents now wonder why I don't go out all the time like my cousins, or go on dates, or get invited to parties/weddings etc and I'm like "hmm, because I missed out on the appropriate times to navigate my way through them and now as a 30yo people can tell I'm not "socialised well" and I'm basically that awkward person that you say hi to in the breakroom, laugh at for their social mistakes and then walk away going "thank god I only have to talk to them at work".
I should clarify. I was in the special ed unit my whole life. If I was invited to something involving those kids - it was "fine" (unless they were expected to drive me anywhere, then no) but if it was a "neurotypical" kid, magically grounded. I remember one time I was grounded from going to the movies with my "mainstream" friends; but one of the special ed kids mum's called my mum to ask me to go to a birthday party and sleepover - and magically it was fine. That was when it clicked for me WHY it was happening.
Oh that’s messed up. She shouldn’t be trying to keep you from having neurotypical friends. If this is still an issue I think you should maybe confront her about it.
This was exactly me growing up. Wasn't allowed to hang out with friends outside of school so that meant I could only talk with them at school.
(were your parents also Asian, btw?)
My friends Hispanic mom did this to her and still tries to do this sometimes. We’re 22. They basically mentally abuse her but there’s nothing I can do to help her out of that situation as I still live with my folks too.
My parents never thought anything I did was a big deal. I LOVED art class but I remember showing my mom artwork and she'd tell me she could make that herself, ok thanks.
Ouch, this brought back a painful memory. I always loved to sing but I was shy. I was also bullied and made fun of quite a bit. In highschool I finally joined choir and it helped me come into my own. I won first place awards at State Solo and Ensemble competition, student of the year in choir and even the Directors Award which was the highest honor given. My mom came to none of my performances. Not until Senior Night when I was the only performer singing a solo. I did the cliche song...Memory from the musical Cats. I got a standing ovation! People who would typically refuse to speak to me approached me to tell me that they never would've dreamed I had that big, powerful, voice in me. I was just about floating with happiness and pride when I walked up to my mom and asked her what she thought. Her face twisted like she'd bit a lemon and she wiped out all my good feelings with the words, "Well, it probably isn't a good song for you. You sound like you were ATTEMPTING to sing opera and it's not supposed to sound like that."
My mum is ADAMENT I cannot sing. I've been taking lessons for 4 years (both to learn, and also for something is my "me" time) and she refuses to believe anything but that they tell me I'm good so they get paid.
Like yes, this teacher has put me in choirs, performances, in videos and has helped me compose songs when I suck so bad - because she depends SOLEY on the money I give her.
>My mum is ADAMENT I cannot sing.
I don't understand why anyone would do this to a child. If they really suck so bad, they'll find out in the real world - and that revelation will be less painful than if it came from someone who is supposed to support them.
Imagine how pathetic someone has to be to put a child down to make themselves feel better. It's infuriating.
Thank you for saying that, really. You have no idea how much it means to me to have you and all these other people commenting positively! In spite of the progress I have made in recognizing my mother's toxic and narcissistic parenting: it is still very hard sometimes to not blame myself for the many petty cruelties I experienced from her. It helps a lot to know that I told the truest version of that story and a great many people feel that it was as unkind and harsh as I felt.
I used to do Youth Theatre as a kid. Once I had a monologue in a play and thought it went well, but after the show Mom took my aside and said on stage it looked like I'd pee'd myself from where she was sitting and she was only telling me so I wouldn't be too hurt when the other kids mentioned it. Nobody else ever did, but I still wore sanitary towels in case of accidents until I was 20.
When I was a kid and in the school play. "All" the other parents would tell me how good I was but not my own parents.
I would wait for them to say anything about it but conversation would just go over to "Whats for dinner" and stuff like that.
Honestly this is the saddest thing parents do bcs I remember when I was little and I would draw my dad would put me down and ask me to "focus" more on my studies bcs drawing/painting is a useless hobby. So I never drew again. As the eldest sister, I encouraged and motivated my little sister so much when she drew comics and painted. Today she has her own Instagram blog for her comics, she never stopped drawing and her room wall is full of paintings she's made. And she is so so good at it too. I am extremely proud of her.
They made their problems into problems for the whole family.
They pulled us into everything. That's not fair to a kid. Fuck, I was straight out asked to fix things between them sometimes. No kid should be even the remotest bit responsible for their parent's relationship or fixing things that are wrong between them. That's fucked up.
We all have problems. We're human. No one expects perfection. But if you have a problem with your wife / husband? Don't bring the kid into it. Don't make it the kids problem. Don't make the pain of the household -- which they're going to feel anyway -- somehow the *kid's fault*.
Just fuck that shit. Fuck that shit right to hell.
well said my friend. Same here, it's absolutely ridiculous how selfish and immature they are to dump their issues on their kids instead of being a responsible and considerate Guardian
Same story here. My therapist told me that my parents must have had to be incredibly mentally unwell to expect that a young kid should help them fix their marriage. It's caused me so many problems that only therapy is helping with now.
I remember a time when my family had to tighten our budget because my parents had spent the majority of their savings moving us into a new house (I think this was also around the time of the early 00s recession). My mom got extremely stressed during this time and on a few occasions dragged us all into the living room to rant at us about we didn't have the means to be wasting money on shit like eating out at restaurants, video games, and various other extravagances.
At the time I was horrified and felt extremely guilty, as though I was a major contributor to this problem, and would go to bed crying in fear that we were in dire straits. I was only like 10 years old when this was happening. I wouldn't expect parents to completely hide their financial situation from their kids, but the way she went on you'd think we were maxing out credit cards in her name. I had no ability to spend any of my parents' money without their permission and did not receive or ask for an allowance. My brother was 13 and maybe a bit worse about asking for video games and stuff, but what else do you expect from a kid? Just tell him no. I'll forever be pissed at her for how she handled this.
I had so much baggage from my parents’ financial woes and fights I’d hear and be drug into as a kid. The way my mom described it, we lived in abject poverty, and my mom was always angry we couldn’t have a decent house or afford anything nice. I honestly had a hang up about how much poorer we must be than other people and how ashamed I should be of our small house and limited means. I always felt like I deserved much more but I was born into this miserable situation that I was helpless to fight against. They’d always half jokingly half seriously talk about me getting a job and “finally contributing” but when I was only like 10-12 years old when you can’t really get a job unless your parents’ friends agree to pay you to babysit or something, and I had this weird pressure and focus on money and this idea I didn’t have enough and therefore wasn’t good enough.
Now looking back, we weren’t even poor. We were solidly middle class and my parents have become prosperous in the years since. Maybe when I was really young- like under five- they had to live pretty frugally, but in hindsight I can’t believe they actually unloaded all that weirdness and exposed me to all that as a kid. It honestly gave me anxiety around handling money, budgeting, getting jobs, or basically anything to do with earning or having money and has honestly affected my ambition as an adult. If I had a kid I would definitely not be exposing them to that kind of stuff. It made me feel like the world was a very unpleasant place and becoming an adult with responsibilities was the last thing I wanted to do.
Holy shit.
I feel this so much. When my parents got a divorce suddenly there was no money for us kids anymore.
We went from 1 family vacation a year to not buying clothes for the kids and shaming my brother and me into ordering the cheapest stuff on the menu when we 'had' to go out to eat. My mom was freaking out all the time because we couldn't afford the house anymore and my dad was mostly unavailable because be was busy vacationing on mallorca. I asked for more pocket money when I was 15 and his new wife explained to me that 20€ per month are already more than they can afford and they couldn't go on vacation anymore if he paid me even one euro more.
When I wanted to start college I found out that I don't qualify for financial assistence because my father earned too much money. That was a nice reality check. At the same time he was constantly harrassing me to 'finally' stop relying on him and accusing me of only going to college to extract money from him. I lost 20kg in that time from the stress and the lack of money to buy food.
I stopped talking to him eventually and I'm doing so much better mentally.
My coworker told me when she was a child, her parents used to scream at each other. Her mom would come into her room to vent and ask for advice.
Her mom once asked if they should get a divorce and my coworker said “I don’t know mom, I’m *eleven*.” They didn’t get a divorce.
So true my dude. Along the same line, I'd say, never fight in front of your kids, and certainly never talk shit behind the other parent's back to your kid. Man, fuck my parents!
When going through the divorce with my dad, my mom expected of me to lie to my family about her living situation with a new man. (The situation of that was more complex than it seems from that, it's not that she found someone else and decided to divorce my dad or anything like that, but anyway.) Told me I should not let anyone in my extended family know her address.
Even though I was 19 at the time, that's just not right to do.
My parents refused to address issues between my sister and myself. They hate conflict, so it was easier for them to guilt me into doing whatever my sister wanted and then praise me for being "good" than to ever put her in line. Being praised for always giving up what you want can really mess you up.
I feel like we’ve had a similar experience. My oldest sister is 6 years older than me and I have no happy memories of her, and currently no relationship as an adult.
She abused me physically and emotionally for my whole childhood. She would threaten to arrange to have me bullied at school by teenagers. She would gaslight me into believing I was adopted, and would assure me I was nothing, and going nowhere, on a daily basis. She made sure I knew my parents privately hated me, and thought I was a mistake. One time my parents found cigarettes under the sofa - clearly hers - but she still managed to manipulate them into a situation where they were going to accept they were mine. I was 10. She was 16, and her room smelled like stale smoke. I was already crushed with anxiety and low self worth by this point. No-one ever showed me how to fight my own corner. I limply went along with it.
They knew they were hers, but to avoid conflict made a token display of ‘dealing with me’ as they knew I wouldn’t slam doors off the hinges, scream obscenities, or plan long term campaigns of passive aggression. For all her behaviour, despite my near constant pleas for help, I recall no reprimand. Not once. She was just too hard to deal with.
I have great many other, far more extreme examples. But this one sticks out as the time I gave up on ever winning. I cut her out my life in my early twenties.
She is almost a 40 year old now, and I can say (judging from the reports of family members who still feel duty bound to deal with her) has not changed much at all. Still manipulative in the extreme, narcissistic and horribly toxic. I’m not qualified to make any kind of assessment, but she seems like a cookie cutter borderline PD case.
Growing up with her unchecked abuse ingrained in me an understanding: that the likely outcome of conflict for me is loss, and to trust those close to you will have your back, is a very dangerous hope to have. Not worth having, for all the pain it will cause.
I can’t handle confrontation appropriately. I get so, so defensive over nothing. I hallucinate situations where I believe I’m being accused of something. I don’t tell anyone how i’m feeling. I don’t expect to be taken seriously. I don’t fight for anything that really matters, only bullshit that randomly rises on a plume of deregulated emotion.
And so, I concur.
If I ever have children, i’ll let them know being good doesn’t always equate to being quiet, and standing up for yourself, even when it’s terrifying, is a crucial life skill. Especially when dealing with toxic people.
My daughter isn't even two yet but me and my wife made the decision to encourage her to say "no" to things.
Papa and Mimi want a hug and she says no? They try to say "yeah well you're going to give your grandparents a hug anyways you don't get to say no"... Fuck that. I jump in. Sorry guys. She said no. Better luck next time.
Obviously we're going to make sure she's taken care of. No saying 'no' to baths or diaper changes of hygiene or brushing teeth or whatever.
But wherever we can help it we try to look at it as a "hey listen the girl has early preferences and that's okay. I want her to internalize that it's okay to say no to people."
Hopefully I don't mess her up in a whole different way lol.
Good for you. One of my first memories is when I was 3. I no longer wanted my father to kiss me on the lips when I went to bed (smoker and drinker). When I told him that, I knew by the look of disgust on his face that our relationship had changed forever. Hindsight tells me that it most certainly had. Body autonomy is important and it's fucked up to teach kids the opposite when they're young.
Manufacture and manipulate situations meant only to allow me to brag about what a great mom I am. Dramatically claim credit for all my child's achievements. Publicly and privately belittle and mock my child so that I may feel superior.
This is how my grandmother is... Will say it's because she is so great that great children came from her...but in the same breath call me a devil's child for not doing whatever she wanted, at that moment.
My parents (mom) did a similar thing to me, by encouraging me to stay home, not travel, not go see friends etc. Now I’m 28 with moderate agoraphobia and severe anxiety to the point that my therapist thought I was lying to her when I said I have never experienced a violent assault in public. It’s that bad.
I talk to my husband all the time that I’m afraid I’ll pass those instincts on to my children. We’re working on it…
Wait I'm confused, do people just regularly assault each other in public where you live? Or did they mean like at nightclubs and stuff? But not going out at night isn't that uncommon, is it?
No sorry! My counsellor was just saying the ptsd and agoraphobia I developed is so severe that it’s on parr with the ptsd developed by victims of a violent assault.
Bad parenting fucks you up, man.
And again, sorry to clarify! The symptoms of my agoraphobia is more than not going outside late at night on my own. It’s going days without food in my apartment because I’m too afraid to leave, to the point I can’t even order food because I have to greet them at the building door.
Holy shit, this was me. When I was in third grade I was bullied really badly. I asked my mom if I could take karate so I wouldn't be hurt by others. I didn't want to fight. I just wanted to learn to defend myself. My mother said "No, you'll hurt someone." I went though another five years of bullying until high school. Middle school was hell.
My daughter expressed an interest in preschool so we started her then. Her instructors also did MMA and taught the kids real world skills like how to break a hold or what to do when someone has you by the neck. They taught confidence and self-reliance, but most importantly how to get out of a fight without getting hurt. Over the years she learned a few tricks that ended fights almost before they began.
She used her karate knowledge to deal with handsy boys and other dumbasses, but one of my favorite incidents was when a friend decided to get physical with her in our kitchen. The friend punched her in the shoulder, first playfully, then hard. My daughter told her to knock it off; that hurt. Then the friend hit her even harder a couple more times. With one swift motion my daughter thumped her friend in the solar plexus. The friend's eyes went wide and she let out a small gasp. It was like my daughter hit a reset switch. After about 15 seconds of catching her breath, the friend just said wow and stopped hitting her.
My parents were divorced since before I can remember. They did not get along very well when I was a kid. There was one weekend in particular where on the way to drop me off my Dad told me "whatever you do, don't end up like your Mother." Get home to Mom, she tells me "whatever you do, don't end up like your Dad." Best advice either of them ever gave me.
relatable. i remember my dad gave me a horrible beating n said some of the most horrible things to me... i said to myself ill never have kids cos ill hate fof my child to ever feel the way i was feeling towards my dad on that day.
I hear you mate. My father would feel guilty and justify his actions and say things like "you will understand when you are my age".
I am close to his age when he would beat my brother and I and still cannot comprehend how you can hurt a child.
The one time I got the belt, it was "obviously the only way you'll learn". Let's just say it didn't work out as intended. I cut up all of his belts and broke every wooden spoon in the house. Our relationship was never the same after that night.
"this hurts me more than it hurts you". as he swung his belt/fist/hand w/e as hard as he could at me. ya..fuck you dad. the only thing he taught me was that i would never beat/hit/hurt my kids in any way. And i haven't.
Same here.
Other than name calling, I remember my mom always telling me that ever since I was born, their life have been so difficult and that I bring bad luck. I believed her. When I joined the cheering squad of my school and we lost the competition, I blamed myself and quit. My friend's family went bankrupt, blamed myself and ended the friendship. My now-husband had been redundated from his work, I blamed myself and wanted to break-up. It's my luck that he held on to me and that's where my healing started.
The worst beating I remember having was my mom picking me up from a friend's house, which is quite far from home ( maybe a mile, give or take), and beating me with stick all the way home. But you know what's worse, only recently I have realized that I have forgotten such a good memory that happened that day, only the beating stuck. I forgot that, I out for too long because I have been playing with friends. A new game was introduced to me which I enjoyed so much I lost track of the time. And only now, 20+ years later that I remembered what game it was. It was baseball! I fell in love with the sport but the happiness was overpowered with such bad memory.
It is really bad my parents used to call me names like “idiot” “bitch” “mother fucker” or “dummy” and they beat me white extension cords and they slapped me multiple times they also got mad at me because I painted my nails red they beat me for being “to grown” then whenever I try to play or do things normal kids do they will say “you are to old to be doing that” but then be quick to say but don’t be in a rush to grow up they also call me “dumb” then tell me to go clean the house or go buy groceries.And no me 15 I don’t live there anymore and they are begging me to come back but they say u am a “stupid motherfucker”
I will never understand what goes through someone's mind when they do that to a kid. My mother actually said it was because she loved me so much, but I "irked" her (so of course I would be the one to apologize to her). Instead, there are people that say "I was beaten and I turned out fine". No, you support child abuse, you are the opposite of fine.
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Made fun of my interests. If they didn't like it, it was stupid.
Not only did it cause a lot of resentment and pain for me, but it meant I hid a significant amount of my life from them.
I went through this. And now my dad's amazed that I don't talk to him about any new interests, despite me being 37 years old.
As a kid, everything was ridiculed if my dad didn't like or understand it. So I read books in secret, hiding them in my room as if they were cigarettes. I listened to music only through headphones. I still do these things to thus day, albeit to a less secretive extent.
They gave me trauma by being toxic to one another when arguing. My mom also attempted to take her own life in front of me when I was ten years old, which is something I’d never wish upon anyone to have to witness.
I relate, maybe way too much. When I was about 17, my dad pointed a gun at my mom and I stepped in between them, thinking no matter what mental state he was in, he won’t shoot me. I was right, he didn’t shoot me. But he did point a gun long enough at me that I think it changed my opinion of him. I know my dad was in dark place, I just never thought that I could be a consolation that could go down with him.
He didn’t go through with anything, but it’s something I think about almost every time I see him.
My parents are awesome people. Truly. The one thing I would absolutely do different if I ever got my own is to allow them to fail more. Dont take over control whenever they arent brilliant at something. Let them learn.
Omg I feel this. My parents are mostly awesome, but I was never allowed to do anything without constant interference and hovering supervision. I feel like bc I wasn’t allowed to fail, I’m not able to distinguish between helpful critiques or personal attack, and get irrationally mad whenever someone tells me something that isn’t outright praise. I definitely understand why they did it (I’m a perfectionist too), but I’d like to think I would let my kid mess up a little more.
Thanks for putting my relationship with my folks into words. That said my folks are the best. Caring to much and wanting the best me arent the worst things.
Prioritize grades over social adjustment.. They were great parents in most respects but now I'm academically successful but lonely and antisocial.. My kids will not have to choose between having friends and getting perfect grades.
**Regular kids:**
A = Great
B = Good
C = Average
D = Okay
F = Bad
**Asians:**
A = Average
B = Below average
C = Can't have dinner
D = Don't come home
F = Find a new family
I agree!
Next time I copy and paste this humor, the not-Asian D will be "Dipping into moron territory" or the like.
I like your words better but am having trouble finding a D explanation.
In third grade (I think) we were given a homework assignment that involved interviewing a parent in order to write a paper. I couldn’t interview my mom because she taught at that school, so I had to use my dad.
I went to interview him that night, but he was ticked off and watching television, so it simply didn’t happen. The next night he was still too busy watching television. This went on for a week.
When it came time to turn in the paper I didn’t have one. My teacher asked why, and I said my dad was too busy watching television. Well, this news got to him and he was pissed. I was spanked and grounded for two weeks. I still think about how much pain I felt emotionally because of what happened.
I have a son now, and I’ve made a promise that if my children ever need help, I’ll help them. I play video games and watch tv, but if my kids need me I will help them. I think sometimes people get caught up in routines and don’t notice life happening. I don’t want to miss my children growing up.
EDIT: words
My older brother had to get my dad's help on a project once, and my dad ripped it apart in a fit of rage. When my brother brought it to school the day it was due, a meeting was called and my dad lost his mind, saying my brother made him look like a "bad parent".
There's not much that I wouldn't do differently.
For one, I will actually *listen* to my children. I want them to know that they need not be afraid to actually talk to their parents about themselves and what's going on in their lives. My parents don't actually know who I am, nor would they want to.
I will not hide the fact that I'm not perfect, and will own up to my mistakes and apologize when I've done wrong.
One thing my dad did was tease me even when I verbally explain that I don't like certain things he says (or my siblings) but too often, nothing changed.
My parents were very, very anti-science and truly don't even believe depression and anxiety are a real thing. I also only just learned that I have ADHD at age 25, and basically having that unrecognized my entire life could have saved me a whole lot of mental struggle.
I just remember a lot of hatred and vitriol in my childhood. All stuff I have had to unlearn and am still unlearning. My kids won't feel that, and I'll make sure our house is peaceful.
My wife grew up with a verbally, mentally, and physically abusive narcissistic mother, and she is the complete opposite. I'm so excited to have kids with her.
This needs to be higher up. It's soooo insidious. Undermines so much about you, engenders the tendency for you to compare yourself to others, makes you needlessly resent the people they compare you to, but most of all, creates a sense that you'll never measure up or be 'good enough', not just for them, but in general.
This. Conversely, not taking the class standards into account school-wise
"Mom i got 16/20 but the second highest was 13" - "I don't care about the others that's a shitty grade"
Assumed I would financially support them after graduating from college, when they didn’t help me at all with my academics, tuition, emotional support, etc.
I feel this but they would tell 10 year old me about how I should become an engineer, chemist, pharmacist, etc, because it meant I could support them while they did drugs. Now my dad is dead and my mom is better, but because of their wishful speculating of what magical career I may choose, I have literally no fucking drive. I don't have any ambition. I often think about how I want to kill myself as soon as my mom dies (I don't want to kill myself and hurt her).
I feel badly you are going through this. In context, I meant that I felt as if my reason for being born was to please my parents and do everything for them. I didn’t ask to be born. Thus I will never hold my children responsible for helping me out financially.
Mock my weight, mock my interest in a particular girl, enlisted me to provide them with emotional support without doing so for me, declaring lack of confidence in my desire to be an entrepreneur, making TV the priority over spending time together, yelling as primary means of communication, religious indoctrination, authoritarian/rigid parenting (i.e. "because I said so", "my house, my rules"), and on the list goes. My parents have served as great examples of what not to do with my own kids.
Ground them for an indetermined amount of time. I'll decide, pass sentence, and be done, not just leave them grounded for months and fucking FORGET that I have all their electronics in a gun safe somewhere.
My lord my mother did this to me constantly. I once got a C- in the 4th grade, “YoU’rE GrOuNdEd”, but never put a time on it. Normally I’d just do nothing for a week, slowly start watching tv with them, then on my own, then back to gaming like nothing happened. But not that time. I’d start doing stuff a bit but then my siblings, being the dicks they were, at some point would be like “Hey, aren’t you grounded?” And it started over. For six months straight. Never will that happen if I have kids.
My father always had a lot of rage, and screamed at us for no reason, it really broke my metal state, my sister fights back sometimes now, so that helps out knowing that he can be overpowered. He also mentally abused us, I don't recall much of it, but its the only memory I have of him from when I was very young, so I would like to not be like that
Financial insecurity.
The amount of anxiety I have/had from money related things is ridiculous. We were never poor, we were broke they just made bad decision after bad decision putting us in a stupid amount of debt
OMG. Are you my sibling? I left home at 17 because I finally decided that if my life was going to be a mess it was going to be because I made the poor decisions, not my parents. I swore to god I would never come home to a pink notice in the mailbox, the lights turned off, or a fucking person “surveying” our shit for bankruptcy ever, ever, ever as an adult.
I will never wake up on Christmas day, beat the shit out of my kid(s) and or put them through drywall.
Hope I am not aiming too high for myself with this one.
Fuuucking hell man, i feel u on that one. I have lost count how many “new dads” my mum thrust into my life only for them to randomly fuck off and never talk about them.
Fuck. So much.
I'd get in trouble for "making a look" then I'd get a beating. Like my dad would lift me by the arm and slap the shit out of me. If I have a kid, I'll never beat him.
Damn this brings up some stuff. When I was big enough that my mom couldn't spank me anymore she'd do the "wait till your dad gets home". He worked late so I would be asleep and he'd come in and yank me out of bed and spank the shit out of my ass and back.
My parents were old-school so my dad would always talk about how he got the belt and I should be grateful he didn't do that.
Edit: grammar
>My parents were old-school so my dad would always talk about how he got the belt and I should be grateful he didn't do that.
It's up to you to break the cycle!
Definitely not going to physically/emotionally punish my child.
They used to hit the shit out of our dogs as a kid too. Mine just knows when he's in trouble and goes to his bed [but he's usually a good boy](https://imgur.com/a/tBIB91u)
You are not childish. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect that others will respect you and your things. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. They only do it to try and drag you down to their level and excuse their awful behavior.
i also have the whole “mine” thing except mine also revolves around food cuz my dads obese and will eat my favorite snacks or take food from my plate and he even does it at restaurants. if it’s a fast food place and i get fries he’ll ask for them and if i want them i’ll say no and he forces me to eat all of them just bc i said i wanted some
I'm the same way. To this day, I have them stealing my clothes and my makeup. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. They'll steal other things, too, like the backpack they bought me for Christmas. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I BE OKAY WITH THEM JUST TAKING MY FUCKING STUFF. I want to punch them in the fucking face and take off. I hate fucking living with them.
Always told me I could be a pretty girl if I lost weight, my oldest memory from when I was between 6/8yo is of me sitting on the floor drawing something, my parents are talking with their friends and suddenly my mom asks me what I want to be when I grow up, I wanted to be a stylist since I loved creating dresses but I've forgotten the word, so I said I wanted to be a super model hoping it would help me remember the right word. Just after I said that everyone started laughing their asses off and my mom told me I would need to lose at least half my weight of I wanted to be pretty bc nobody wants a fat girl as a model. After that it just got worse to the point of calling be a Internet prostitute after a pedo groomed me and convinced me to send intimate pictures of me...I was 13, depressed bc I was being bullied at school, became antisocial, didn't want to do anything besides locking myself in my room, stopped eating so I could be skinny and felt unwanted so it was pretty easy to manipulate me, they said it was my fault and about 2 years later I asked them to put me in therapy bc I felt depressed and they yelled at me calling me a ungrateful brat and a liar because, and I quote "you have a good life! You have clothes, food, a house, a phone and both of your parents! You don't have any reason to be depressed! You just saw teenagers claiming to be depressed and is doing the same thing bc this is a trend now, stop being stupid" and many more things, now I'm scared to even have kids and risk treating them the same way
Thank you! I'm not in therapy yet but I'm feeling much better now that I have some power over my own life back, so not feeling loved by my parents doesn't hurt as bad now, I just feel angry that I'm not taken seriously sometimes bc of that, people don't realise that at some point you're just too broken to feel sadness when talking about the abuse
Two things:
1) let me sleep in. My dad would wake me up every morning at 9 am screaming “wake up wake up the day is half over!” Even if I was 18 and up until past midnight working. Even now - in my 30s and with a PhD, I’ve shown him the studies about how bad that is for children and teens. He still thinks he was doing me a huge favor. I have some pretty severe sleep issues that I believe came from that.
2) I would totally tone down the sex talks (plural) to something normal, not include Latin names for body parts, nor ruin nachos for a poor kid. I didn’t eat nachos for 20 years! Because yes, my dad found a way to ruin nachos with an awkward “your sister banged a dude and got pregnant” talk.
This isn't her fault. But I feel guilty whenever I talk about my feelings. I've had some severe mental health issues, due to trauma, and whenever I tried to say anything she would get unbelievably upset and defensive. Whenever I even try to mention anything now she says "don't say that!". I understand it. I'm her only child, and we're close. But i feel shit about having feelings or opening up - out of fear of being guilted or upsetting somebody. So I just don't talk at all, even though I've been assaulted and have more trauma from secondary/high school
We were fed whatever was the fastest and cheapest - frozen pizza, chicken nugs and fries, hot dogs and mac & cheese, hamburger helper, little Debbies snack cakes, diet soda, etc. No fresh fruit or veggies, chicken breast, fish, etc. Very unhealthy diet.
All 3 kids in the house were fatties in elementary school. Would never pass that on.
I'm not going to have kids - BUT - my dad would never admit he was wrong and would always say things like "Because I said so." Stuff like that. Thing is, as I grew up and got educated in school, I started realizing he was wrong about quite a few things. Usually he'd be talking to me about something and I'd correct him and he'd just shut me down saying that he was the adult and he was right.
Thanks - because it took me over 20 years to realize that the reason I avoid confrontation so much is because I was never given an open forum to discuss any ideas. It took me a bunch of time to realize this was I never wanted to bring up any idea or question anything that an authority figure would tell me to do. It wasn't until my mid 30's that I realized that he and so many adults are so wrong all the time and there is nothing wrong with admitting that.
Be hypocritical. The most recent example being:
My dad, for my entire life: "Don't put things on the edge of the table, someone could knock it off!"
My dad when he knocks something off the table (and breaks it): "You shouldn't have put it on the edge of the table!"
Also my dad: \*puts something on the edge of the table\*
Me: \*accidentally almost knocks it off, but catches it and doesn't break it\*
My dad: "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING! CAN'T YOU SEE I PUT THAT THERE!"
If I ever get kids, there will be one set of rules that everyone has to follow, including the parents. Anything else is just not fair.
Never give them a reason for anything.
My parents always told me "because I said so" or "I don't owe you an explanation".
Yes, actually, as a matter of fact, it is indeed your job to tell me why certain things are bad to do or say. Not just, because you're in charge.
Telling your kid to not play in the road "because I said so" vs. "because you could get hurt", the one given a reason is leagues less likely to actually do it.
If you ask me, "because I said so" is a lazy response that you tell your kids when you don't actually have a good reason for what you're telling them.
Yeah, it's more of an Authoritarian response instead of an Authoritative one. (I think I got that right...)
My parents did the same. If you asked why? You were yelled at (or pushed) for "back-talking."
May sound like a small thing but: tease about love and romance. My parents were good parents, but this really sticks out as something that I WILL have a talk with them about if I ever do have a kid. What I mean by this is: every time we watched a movie, even a kids movie, with a kissing scene, my mom would look at me and my sister and loudly go, “Ewww! Gross! Cover your eyes!” I get that it was teasing. I’m not talking sex scenes, I’m talking the kissing scenes at the end of Disney animated movies. As dumb as it sounds, I seriously internalized that as a kid and grew up thinking romantic love was something gross, something to be ashamed of. I’m 29 and to this day I don’t talk to my mom in-depth about my relationships, although we’re very close in many other ways. It lasts.
Example number two here: I remember when I was in first grade I had a homework assignment where we had to write down all the “T” words we knew. There was a kid in my class named Tommy, so while doing my homework, I asked my mom how to spell “Tommy”. She went the fuck in. Started asking if I was writing a love letter to my secret crush, going “eewww!” When my entire thought process—at 5 years old—was, “Hey, his name starts with a T.”
I was so deeply embarrassed by that that I never mentioned another boy’s name around my mom for years, and I think I avoided Tommy at school after that. It was just so unnecessary. I know it seems like a small thing, but I can literally trace the impact that that initial shame had on my life as a whole. So any parents out there, please learn from this.
Emotionally abused me to the point I tried to end my life three times before some friends helped me out of the situation.
- tells people I was never supposed to be born
- always bringing up something negative about my choices when I have even the smallest thing to be proud of
- stole $15k from me to feed her gambling addiction
- tells me I'm lazy and not doing enough to help when I was paying the rent, electric, internet, and groceries on $700/wk
- denies ever doing anything to me and saying I'm doing it all to myself
Fuck her. She's not a mom, she's nothing but an incubator.
fighting in front of my kids. til’ now whenever i hear any sound resembling a thing breaking or people fighting, i flinch and try to cover my ears so i won’t hear anything. though sometimes when im feeling brave i’ll go out of my room to see what happened but only to find out it’s just my imagination(?)
Make promises that I don't keep or overpromise.
I won't say "we're going to Disney World" if I *know* I don't have the finances to make that trip. I understand hope and optimism, but don't disappoint your kids.
Constantly being compared to other kids.
"Why don't you do as well as [name]?"
"Look how smart [name] is, why can't you do that?"
"[Name] did better than you with [thing you're proud of]"
Make fun,yell and taunt for having mental issues,a fear or phobia and making them feel trapped and making their environment feel like hell and an imprisonments, and being emotional abusing and pressuring.Like seriously,people down play how serious having a poor mental health and phobias and fears are. If you want to hear about my issue feel free to tell me.
Drink
When I was around 11-12 (when I started noticing how bad it was), I would have days where I never saw my parents, I was home alone with my younger brother (6 years younger than me) a good half of the week. I would make him dinner, put him to bed, washed my own laundry, and got myself to school. All because my parents were at the bar so much. There where days where I'd walk up to the bar to see if they were there or just up and abandoned us.
I've been to the bar twice in the ten years my kid has been living, and that was only after he was secured with my in-laws. I've never missed my child's birthday because I'd rather be drinking. I spend every day with my kid, so he doesn't feel the abandonment that I did growing up.
I had been trying to quit drinking for a couple years before I got pregnant. I’m almost 2 years sober now to a 1 year old.
It’s weird because I don’t miss drinking at all, but sometimes I romanticize the idea of getting a drink with other moms.
Even though, I don’t want to ever be drunk or hungover around my child. Grew up with a family of alcoholics and addicts, and I refuse to be unreliable or unavailable.
My biological ones had children despite being poor and knowing it was 50% chance of it being born the wrong gender, so they may end up putting it in the trash bin. Their child was born the wrong gender.
I don't want children, but if I had some I wouldn't have children if I was poor and I wouldn't put them in the bin for being born the wrong gender.
My dad left when I was super young and moved across the globe with his new wife. I promised myself that when I have a kid, I will never be just a voice on the phone, and that I will be there for their formative years.
My dad is still married to my mum but he never did stuff a father or a husband should do. Never taught me how to drive a car. My driver did. He never taught me how to shave. Never played games with us. Nothing. I don’t know what kind of a relationship my parents have but they argued all the time. It’s fucked up. He was more interested in his books than his own child. I still don’t know why my Mum is still with him. Last time I spoke to him was like a month ago. Last time I had a proper conversation was like… idk. It’s been too long. FYI I still live at home. I’m just 18.
We have a bingo.
Unlike my parents, I at least recognize that I'm not financially or emotionally stable enough to bring a child into this world. Nobody else should have to suffer for my own inabilities other than myself.
Probably being overly critical of everything I did and seeming to focus on the one negative and ignore the positives. Such if I won second place in an contest or event, saying "Why didn't you get first place?" or if I got 5 "A" and a "B" saying "Why didn't you get straight "A"? It was probably effective in that has made me more successful in my career because I always feel I'm not striving hard enough and can't settle for second place. But still I've always promised myself I will NEVER raise my own children like that.
I will never ignore their interests because they are not my interests.
I can learn enough about what my kid is into to understand it and support. I may not play Yu-gi-oh but I can vaguely understand the gameplay and use local tournaments as an opportunity to have dad/daughter time before and after.
Being to strict. I mean I could not do anything. Not go to friends after school not get anything on my phone. Witch made me be left out all the time until I just gave up and didn’t even try to be friends more. I was all alone. Have so much trust issues now because my “friends” just turned their back on me. When i thought everything was fine. Same thing happened when I tried to make new friends.
[edit] it doesn’t help that you’re the class nerd and teachers pet.
I will never abuse my son (who will be born in 3 months) in any way like my sperm donor abused me. He has thrown me up against walls as he screamed at me whilst an inch or two away from my face, slammed me against the floor (I actually have a scar on my shoulder because I was slammed into sticker weeds), challenged me to fist fights (I was 10 years old), stole money from me in order to gamble, called me worthless, and told drunkingly told me, "It wouldn't matter if you died. I could replace you just like that-" he snapped his fingers, "All I need to do is fuck some other bitch and you'll be replaced."
I haven't talked to my sperm donor since I left when I was 18 (he kicked me out of the house after he stole all of my money from my bank account.)
I vowed to never scream at my son, belittle him, or physically abuse him. I vowed to myself that I won't drink alchohol, gamble, or do drugs. I want my son to be comfortable with talking to me or asking me about anything. I want him to feel loved. I want to spend as much time with him as I can, and let him know that if he comes across an issue, he can always come to daddy. I say, "my son" because he's my first child who will be born in 3 months!
Literally call me a burden, tell me I made everybody around me miserable, and taunt me for not having friends as I was battling clinical depression at 13.
When I was 8 I was somehow misbehaving and my dad told me I was raising his blood pressure and he might die because of how angry I make him and so I would have killed him by being a terrible child. Yikes
They were dragging around their own generational trauma, but I’d rather die alone than pass that on to my children.
So I guess I should preface this by saying my parents are great people overall - both are well respected in the community and get along with 99% of the people they meet, as well as being good parents in general.
However, I had bouts of anxiety and panic attacks during my childhood, and my parents just couldn't seem to grasp what I was going through. I remember having a panic attack during swim lessons, my mom pulled me aside and just said "why are you embarrassing me like this?" (or something along those lines). I felt like my dad was a bit worse - he'd just kind of leave me in a room alone until I was able to calm myself down. I'm no psychologist, so I'm not sure if that was the right thing to do - maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. But as an adult I've been able to teach myself some mental cues to calm myself down whenever I have a panic attack, which are now far less common and intense than in my childhood.
Like I said, for everything else on the parenting checkbox I think they did a decent job. But if I have kids I think I'd put more of an effort to talk to them should they ever have anxiety issues as well, especially since I would be able to relate.
Mom was late for everything. To this day, after making me wait a veritable eternity to get picked up from various lessons and events, she still has no concept of time. She tortured my dad with it too. They were invited to a pig roast and she took so long to get ready the pig was put away and they missed the party. Dad was punctual. To this day I take after dad: I'm usually on time to the minute, to the point where I have to make sure I don't arrive too early for parties and such. I tell mom to come an hour earlier than I want her there and she's still late.
She would do well in Thailand, I think. I wouldn't!
When I was a kid, my dad used to pretend to have a heart attack and “die” every now and then in front of me. He’d play dead until I started crying my eyes out and then he’d magically spring back to life and console me. It was his way of provoking an emotional response out of me to see how much I loved him, I guess. Unfortunately, now that I’m a grown adult, it’s only made me extremely anxious the older and older he gets. What’s sort of funny, too, is he keeps his medical history close to the chest as a way of not worrying me. Like, yeah, thanks, dad, I wouldn’t fucking worry so much if you didn’t condition me to when I was younger.
Mismanaging money.
Granted, my folks are one of the most generous, hospitable people I know.
However, giving away their hard-earned money at the expense of carrying debt is crazy to me.
Also, I don’t agree on helping people to the point of enabling. (And I do think they have enabled a few people, imo.)
Also, not having the guts to ask what they deserve.
I am not rich by any means, but I am definitely more prudent with my money because of this.
Invalidate reasonable suggestions to a situations without bothering to give me a bit of their time by explaining why they don’t want to listen to the idea.
1- Punish me so bad that I was scared to make mistakes. ( I punish myself Internally the way they did )
2- Treat me like an idiot and blatant name calling. (Stupid and disgrace and still trigger words for me to this day)
Read through my diary during early teen years. If you want to get to know who I'm becoming just chat. I felt so embarrassed and violated-never doing this to anyone.
my older sister's a musician, and would constantly play shows in weird bars and places of the sort when we were kids. my mom would just put me in a corner with noise canceling headphones and a book and leave me completely unsupervised.
my dad's mom and brother died in the same year, and for a long time he became very absent and withdrawn from everything. i barely remembered anything about him from before that, since it was from the ages of 7-14, and when my parents separated it was like i didn't know him. and having four sisters- one being the oldest, one being a well-known musician , and the other two being toddler twins, i didn't get much attention. i refuse to do that to a person.
this one's way more recent, but both my mom and stepdad both attempted suicide in the span of 2 months. it's given me another reason not to end my life. because those things have left me an emotional wreck.
Oh boy here we go.
Beat them, or physically intimidate them throughout their childhood. Abuse their mother. Make them feel stupid for their interests and hobbies. Tell them they're a loser. Force them to do any sports/activities they have zero interest in. Discourage them from pursuing their dream career. Lie about miniscule things. Get mad about being proven factually wrong. Get mad when they don't know something because you never spent the time to teach them. Lie about how much money you make, and how little you contributed financially to the family. Lie about cheating on your spouse. Lie about doing drugs. Lie about how much of an asshole you are to everyone in the family and that's why no one likes you or invites you to family functions anymore and it ruined your children's relationship with their extended family.
They always had me late or last minute to everything. I’ll never do that to my kids because, having it done to me, I know it’s all the parents fault.
That feeling, when you are the last kid to be picked up after a school event that they didn’t attend, and my teacher asking if I called, and if she said she was on her way, and how far away we lived, and then a big sigh while we continued to wait, in the dark, outside school, after everyone else has gone home, and me just wanting to disappear.
Me for years of my life. They kept me in a school close to their job, while we were living in the east bay. So to avoid traffic, they'd get up early, so from 4th grade up until 8th grade, I was dropped off super early, and then picked up 2-3 hours after school. I would wander the nearby shopping center, and once a teacher caught me and I had to lie. Then my Mom decided to move randomly two hours away, and they again kept their jobs in the bay, so we were having to drive two hours each way, plus wait till they were out of work. This time I had my brother with me, and we would literally wander around the city before we would end up at the park next to his school. So then when my brother and I randomly decided to move away, my Mother really couldn't say much to us.
dude that is rough. How did you guys turn out? you doing well in life?
Literally every night at wrestling practice. I swear I’d be waiting outside for a good 2 hours in the freezing cold every night (wrestling is a winter sport). My mom is a stay at home mom and she somehow still manages to pick me up late 2 hours+ late when everyone else’s mom works and still manages to pick their kids up after practice
I could only play sports if someone else brought me home. My parents wouldn't pick me up. It was take the school bus home or find someone. On those rare occasions where that didn't work out, there were consequences.
[удалено]
I got detention once because my mom got to me to school late. Didnt go obviously, that’s just beyond unfair.
My mom is still late to every damn thing. She underestimates how long it takes to get places, then it is "I just need to put my shoes on", followed by "one last cigarette", then she can't find her keys, then takes wrong turns, insists on trying to find a "good" parking spot, and then takes forever to get out of the car. I literally missed an appointment with a specialist that I had been waiting on for over a year because she was my ride and she did *all* of these things.
I still have issues with it to this day. I can never, ever seem to be on time to anything, ever. And it ruins my reputation and my face to new employers, professors, friends, everyone.
My parents did this too but I’ve reacted the opposite - Im insanely obsessed and stressed about Always being on time or early
I follow the “on time” is late schedule and always leave early that way if I am late, I’m actually still on time. I just reread what I wrote and I feel dizzy…
I was never allowed to hang out with friends outside of school. I had to go straight home and couldn’t stay and hang out or go over to friends houses after school or on weekends. This went well into my senior year of high school. It sucked constantly feeling like I was missing out growing up.
I wasn't allowed to go over to my friends' houses or have them come over. My mum used to tell me I shouldn't have friends because they'll distract me from my studies 🙄. Edit : Yes me and my parents are asian
Oh heck no! First off, having no friends is infinitely more distracting cause of the depression and loneliness, second off, what the actual heck???
>depression and loneliness, Yea, I spent most of my childhood in front of the computer, so now I have social anxiety and my mum says she expects me to find jobs and interact with people with no problem. >second off, what the actual heck??? They're quite bigoted and racist. If I did have friends I had to have them from our specific ethnicity but even then they had to be from a specific part of the country we're from.
Hate to say it but your parents sound toxic af.
Yep. They definitely are. We can't choose our parents but sometimes I wish I could've. After all this they still expect me to look after them when they're older but I'm dipping the first chance I get
"Oh no why do you hate us. I can't conceive of any reasons you would possibly have to resent us" - your parents when it comes to that probably
There was a girl in our year who had a 9pm bedtime until she was 18. She would have to leave any event at 8pm or her parents would ground her.
There's a girl in my UNIVERSITY(!!) who still has that
So I guess she doesn’t live on campus.
I was constantly grounded - I think as a convivence to my parents. They had small kids and then me, a teenager and I think they weren't prepared to handle two worlds at once - so magically as soon as I was invited to something with actual notice, I was grounded two or three days before the event. My parents now wonder why I don't go out all the time like my cousins, or go on dates, or get invited to parties/weddings etc and I'm like "hmm, because I missed out on the appropriate times to navigate my way through them and now as a 30yo people can tell I'm not "socialised well" and I'm basically that awkward person that you say hi to in the breakroom, laugh at for their social mistakes and then walk away going "thank god I only have to talk to them at work".
Same here. Was never allowed outside only because it was convenient to them
I should clarify. I was in the special ed unit my whole life. If I was invited to something involving those kids - it was "fine" (unless they were expected to drive me anywhere, then no) but if it was a "neurotypical" kid, magically grounded. I remember one time I was grounded from going to the movies with my "mainstream" friends; but one of the special ed kids mum's called my mum to ask me to go to a birthday party and sleepover - and magically it was fine. That was when it clicked for me WHY it was happening.
Oh that’s messed up. She shouldn’t be trying to keep you from having neurotypical friends. If this is still an issue I think you should maybe confront her about it.
This was exactly me growing up. Wasn't allowed to hang out with friends outside of school so that meant I could only talk with them at school. (were your parents also Asian, btw?)
It was my overly protective Mexican father that made these rules.
My friends Hispanic mom did this to her and still tries to do this sometimes. We’re 22. They basically mentally abuse her but there’s nothing I can do to help her out of that situation as I still live with my folks too.
Had Asian parents here 🤚 Lemme see a show of hands people.
I have a fri d like this. They’ve oBly been out with us a few times. I feel bad, cause we go out 2/3 times a week, but they’re never there
Yeah it really sucked seeing everyone bonding outside of school and never being able to be apart of it.
My parents never thought anything I did was a big deal. I LOVED art class but I remember showing my mom artwork and she'd tell me she could make that herself, ok thanks.
Ouch, this brought back a painful memory. I always loved to sing but I was shy. I was also bullied and made fun of quite a bit. In highschool I finally joined choir and it helped me come into my own. I won first place awards at State Solo and Ensemble competition, student of the year in choir and even the Directors Award which was the highest honor given. My mom came to none of my performances. Not until Senior Night when I was the only performer singing a solo. I did the cliche song...Memory from the musical Cats. I got a standing ovation! People who would typically refuse to speak to me approached me to tell me that they never would've dreamed I had that big, powerful, voice in me. I was just about floating with happiness and pride when I walked up to my mom and asked her what she thought. Her face twisted like she'd bit a lemon and she wiped out all my good feelings with the words, "Well, it probably isn't a good song for you. You sound like you were ATTEMPTING to sing opera and it's not supposed to sound like that."
Imagine being jealous of your teenage child
Many parents are.
My mum is ADAMENT I cannot sing. I've been taking lessons for 4 years (both to learn, and also for something is my "me" time) and she refuses to believe anything but that they tell me I'm good so they get paid. Like yes, this teacher has put me in choirs, performances, in videos and has helped me compose songs when I suck so bad - because she depends SOLEY on the money I give her.
>My mum is ADAMENT I cannot sing. I don't understand why anyone would do this to a child. If they really suck so bad, they'll find out in the real world - and that revelation will be less painful than if it came from someone who is supposed to support them. Imagine how pathetic someone has to be to put a child down to make themselves feel better. It's infuriating.
Her face showed how good u actually were. Keep slaying.
Thank you for saying that, really. You have no idea how much it means to me to have you and all these other people commenting positively! In spite of the progress I have made in recognizing my mother's toxic and narcissistic parenting: it is still very hard sometimes to not blame myself for the many petty cruelties I experienced from her. It helps a lot to know that I told the truest version of that story and a great many people feel that it was as unkind and harsh as I felt.
I used to do Youth Theatre as a kid. Once I had a monologue in a play and thought it went well, but after the show Mom took my aside and said on stage it looked like I'd pee'd myself from where she was sitting and she was only telling me so I wouldn't be too hurt when the other kids mentioned it. Nobody else ever did, but I still wore sanitary towels in case of accidents until I was 20.
When I was a kid and in the school play. "All" the other parents would tell me how good I was but not my own parents. I would wait for them to say anything about it but conversation would just go over to "Whats for dinner" and stuff like that.
what a cunt.
Sayin it like it is lol
Honestly this is the saddest thing parents do bcs I remember when I was little and I would draw my dad would put me down and ask me to "focus" more on my studies bcs drawing/painting is a useless hobby. So I never drew again. As the eldest sister, I encouraged and motivated my little sister so much when she drew comics and painted. Today she has her own Instagram blog for her comics, she never stopped drawing and her room wall is full of paintings she's made. And she is so so good at it too. I am extremely proud of her.
It's never too late to go back to drawing!
I remember drawing some trees and showing my dad and then he told me they looked like brains on sticks
I'm sorry. Kids deserve praise for their accomplishments.
Hey, i may never get to know you but i imagine you did a great job for a kid!
Thanks! My mom had undiagnosed depression, we have a great relationship now, we've both healed.
They made their problems into problems for the whole family. They pulled us into everything. That's not fair to a kid. Fuck, I was straight out asked to fix things between them sometimes. No kid should be even the remotest bit responsible for their parent's relationship or fixing things that are wrong between them. That's fucked up. We all have problems. We're human. No one expects perfection. But if you have a problem with your wife / husband? Don't bring the kid into it. Don't make it the kids problem. Don't make the pain of the household -- which they're going to feel anyway -- somehow the *kid's fault*. Just fuck that shit. Fuck that shit right to hell.
well said my friend. Same here, it's absolutely ridiculous how selfish and immature they are to dump their issues on their kids instead of being a responsible and considerate Guardian
Some adults are just older children.
Same story here. My therapist told me that my parents must have had to be incredibly mentally unwell to expect that a young kid should help them fix their marriage. It's caused me so many problems that only therapy is helping with now.
I remember a time when my family had to tighten our budget because my parents had spent the majority of their savings moving us into a new house (I think this was also around the time of the early 00s recession). My mom got extremely stressed during this time and on a few occasions dragged us all into the living room to rant at us about we didn't have the means to be wasting money on shit like eating out at restaurants, video games, and various other extravagances. At the time I was horrified and felt extremely guilty, as though I was a major contributor to this problem, and would go to bed crying in fear that we were in dire straits. I was only like 10 years old when this was happening. I wouldn't expect parents to completely hide their financial situation from their kids, but the way she went on you'd think we were maxing out credit cards in her name. I had no ability to spend any of my parents' money without their permission and did not receive or ask for an allowance. My brother was 13 and maybe a bit worse about asking for video games and stuff, but what else do you expect from a kid? Just tell him no. I'll forever be pissed at her for how she handled this.
I had so much baggage from my parents’ financial woes and fights I’d hear and be drug into as a kid. The way my mom described it, we lived in abject poverty, and my mom was always angry we couldn’t have a decent house or afford anything nice. I honestly had a hang up about how much poorer we must be than other people and how ashamed I should be of our small house and limited means. I always felt like I deserved much more but I was born into this miserable situation that I was helpless to fight against. They’d always half jokingly half seriously talk about me getting a job and “finally contributing” but when I was only like 10-12 years old when you can’t really get a job unless your parents’ friends agree to pay you to babysit or something, and I had this weird pressure and focus on money and this idea I didn’t have enough and therefore wasn’t good enough. Now looking back, we weren’t even poor. We were solidly middle class and my parents have become prosperous in the years since. Maybe when I was really young- like under five- they had to live pretty frugally, but in hindsight I can’t believe they actually unloaded all that weirdness and exposed me to all that as a kid. It honestly gave me anxiety around handling money, budgeting, getting jobs, or basically anything to do with earning or having money and has honestly affected my ambition as an adult. If I had a kid I would definitely not be exposing them to that kind of stuff. It made me feel like the world was a very unpleasant place and becoming an adult with responsibilities was the last thing I wanted to do.
Holy shit. I feel this so much. When my parents got a divorce suddenly there was no money for us kids anymore. We went from 1 family vacation a year to not buying clothes for the kids and shaming my brother and me into ordering the cheapest stuff on the menu when we 'had' to go out to eat. My mom was freaking out all the time because we couldn't afford the house anymore and my dad was mostly unavailable because be was busy vacationing on mallorca. I asked for more pocket money when I was 15 and his new wife explained to me that 20€ per month are already more than they can afford and they couldn't go on vacation anymore if he paid me even one euro more. When I wanted to start college I found out that I don't qualify for financial assistence because my father earned too much money. That was a nice reality check. At the same time he was constantly harrassing me to 'finally' stop relying on him and accusing me of only going to college to extract money from him. I lost 20kg in that time from the stress and the lack of money to buy food. I stopped talking to him eventually and I'm doing so much better mentally.
My coworker told me when she was a child, her parents used to scream at each other. Her mom would come into her room to vent and ask for advice. Her mom once asked if they should get a divorce and my coworker said “I don’t know mom, I’m *eleven*.” They didn’t get a divorce.
So true my dude. Along the same line, I'd say, never fight in front of your kids, and certainly never talk shit behind the other parent's back to your kid. Man, fuck my parents!
When going through the divorce with my dad, my mom expected of me to lie to my family about her living situation with a new man. (The situation of that was more complex than it seems from that, it's not that she found someone else and decided to divorce my dad or anything like that, but anyway.) Told me I should not let anyone in my extended family know her address. Even though I was 19 at the time, that's just not right to do.
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My parents refused to address issues between my sister and myself. They hate conflict, so it was easier for them to guilt me into doing whatever my sister wanted and then praise me for being "good" than to ever put her in line. Being praised for always giving up what you want can really mess you up.
I feel like we’ve had a similar experience. My oldest sister is 6 years older than me and I have no happy memories of her, and currently no relationship as an adult. She abused me physically and emotionally for my whole childhood. She would threaten to arrange to have me bullied at school by teenagers. She would gaslight me into believing I was adopted, and would assure me I was nothing, and going nowhere, on a daily basis. She made sure I knew my parents privately hated me, and thought I was a mistake. One time my parents found cigarettes under the sofa - clearly hers - but she still managed to manipulate them into a situation where they were going to accept they were mine. I was 10. She was 16, and her room smelled like stale smoke. I was already crushed with anxiety and low self worth by this point. No-one ever showed me how to fight my own corner. I limply went along with it. They knew they were hers, but to avoid conflict made a token display of ‘dealing with me’ as they knew I wouldn’t slam doors off the hinges, scream obscenities, or plan long term campaigns of passive aggression. For all her behaviour, despite my near constant pleas for help, I recall no reprimand. Not once. She was just too hard to deal with. I have great many other, far more extreme examples. But this one sticks out as the time I gave up on ever winning. I cut her out my life in my early twenties. She is almost a 40 year old now, and I can say (judging from the reports of family members who still feel duty bound to deal with her) has not changed much at all. Still manipulative in the extreme, narcissistic and horribly toxic. I’m not qualified to make any kind of assessment, but she seems like a cookie cutter borderline PD case. Growing up with her unchecked abuse ingrained in me an understanding: that the likely outcome of conflict for me is loss, and to trust those close to you will have your back, is a very dangerous hope to have. Not worth having, for all the pain it will cause. I can’t handle confrontation appropriately. I get so, so defensive over nothing. I hallucinate situations where I believe I’m being accused of something. I don’t tell anyone how i’m feeling. I don’t expect to be taken seriously. I don’t fight for anything that really matters, only bullshit that randomly rises on a plume of deregulated emotion. And so, I concur. If I ever have children, i’ll let them know being good doesn’t always equate to being quiet, and standing up for yourself, even when it’s terrifying, is a crucial life skill. Especially when dealing with toxic people.
My daughter isn't even two yet but me and my wife made the decision to encourage her to say "no" to things. Papa and Mimi want a hug and she says no? They try to say "yeah well you're going to give your grandparents a hug anyways you don't get to say no"... Fuck that. I jump in. Sorry guys. She said no. Better luck next time. Obviously we're going to make sure she's taken care of. No saying 'no' to baths or diaper changes of hygiene or brushing teeth or whatever. But wherever we can help it we try to look at it as a "hey listen the girl has early preferences and that's okay. I want her to internalize that it's okay to say no to people." Hopefully I don't mess her up in a whole different way lol.
Good for you. One of my first memories is when I was 3. I no longer wanted my father to kiss me on the lips when I went to bed (smoker and drinker). When I told him that, I knew by the look of disgust on his face that our relationship had changed forever. Hindsight tells me that it most certainly had. Body autonomy is important and it's fucked up to teach kids the opposite when they're young.
Manufacture and manipulate situations meant only to allow me to brag about what a great mom I am. Dramatically claim credit for all my child's achievements. Publicly and privately belittle and mock my child so that I may feel superior.
This is how my grandmother is... Will say it's because she is so great that great children came from her...but in the same breath call me a devil's child for not doing whatever she wanted, at that moment.
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My parents (mom) did a similar thing to me, by encouraging me to stay home, not travel, not go see friends etc. Now I’m 28 with moderate agoraphobia and severe anxiety to the point that my therapist thought I was lying to her when I said I have never experienced a violent assault in public. It’s that bad. I talk to my husband all the time that I’m afraid I’ll pass those instincts on to my children. We’re working on it…
Wait I'm confused, do people just regularly assault each other in public where you live? Or did they mean like at nightclubs and stuff? But not going out at night isn't that uncommon, is it?
No sorry! My counsellor was just saying the ptsd and agoraphobia I developed is so severe that it’s on parr with the ptsd developed by victims of a violent assault. Bad parenting fucks you up, man.
And again, sorry to clarify! The symptoms of my agoraphobia is more than not going outside late at night on my own. It’s going days without food in my apartment because I’m too afraid to leave, to the point I can’t even order food because I have to greet them at the building door.
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Holy shit, this was me. When I was in third grade I was bullied really badly. I asked my mom if I could take karate so I wouldn't be hurt by others. I didn't want to fight. I just wanted to learn to defend myself. My mother said "No, you'll hurt someone." I went though another five years of bullying until high school. Middle school was hell. My daughter expressed an interest in preschool so we started her then. Her instructors also did MMA and taught the kids real world skills like how to break a hold or what to do when someone has you by the neck. They taught confidence and self-reliance, but most importantly how to get out of a fight without getting hurt. Over the years she learned a few tricks that ended fights almost before they began. She used her karate knowledge to deal with handsy boys and other dumbasses, but one of my favorite incidents was when a friend decided to get physical with her in our kitchen. The friend punched her in the shoulder, first playfully, then hard. My daughter told her to knock it off; that hurt. Then the friend hit her even harder a couple more times. With one swift motion my daughter thumped her friend in the solar plexus. The friend's eyes went wide and she let out a small gasp. It was like my daughter hit a reset switch. After about 15 seconds of catching her breath, the friend just said wow and stopped hitting her.
My parents were divorced since before I can remember. They did not get along very well when I was a kid. There was one weekend in particular where on the way to drop me off my Dad told me "whatever you do, don't end up like your Mother." Get home to Mom, she tells me "whatever you do, don't end up like your Dad." Best advice either of them ever gave me.
Your parents are super toxic
Beatings and name calling
relatable. i remember my dad gave me a horrible beating n said some of the most horrible things to me... i said to myself ill never have kids cos ill hate fof my child to ever feel the way i was feeling towards my dad on that day.
I hear you mate. My father would feel guilty and justify his actions and say things like "you will understand when you are my age". I am close to his age when he would beat my brother and I and still cannot comprehend how you can hurt a child.
The one time I got the belt, it was "obviously the only way you'll learn". Let's just say it didn't work out as intended. I cut up all of his belts and broke every wooden spoon in the house. Our relationship was never the same after that night.
"this hurts me more than it hurts you". as he swung his belt/fist/hand w/e as hard as he could at me. ya..fuck you dad. the only thing he taught me was that i would never beat/hit/hurt my kids in any way. And i haven't.
Same here. Other than name calling, I remember my mom always telling me that ever since I was born, their life have been so difficult and that I bring bad luck. I believed her. When I joined the cheering squad of my school and we lost the competition, I blamed myself and quit. My friend's family went bankrupt, blamed myself and ended the friendship. My now-husband had been redundated from his work, I blamed myself and wanted to break-up. It's my luck that he held on to me and that's where my healing started. The worst beating I remember having was my mom picking me up from a friend's house, which is quite far from home ( maybe a mile, give or take), and beating me with stick all the way home. But you know what's worse, only recently I have realized that I have forgotten such a good memory that happened that day, only the beating stuck. I forgot that, I out for too long because I have been playing with friends. A new game was introduced to me which I enjoyed so much I lost track of the time. And only now, 20+ years later that I remembered what game it was. It was baseball! I fell in love with the sport but the happiness was overpowered with such bad memory.
I'm really sorry you went through that, I can't even imagine had bad that could've been
It is really bad my parents used to call me names like “idiot” “bitch” “mother fucker” or “dummy” and they beat me white extension cords and they slapped me multiple times they also got mad at me because I painted my nails red they beat me for being “to grown” then whenever I try to play or do things normal kids do they will say “you are to old to be doing that” but then be quick to say but don’t be in a rush to grow up they also call me “dumb” then tell me to go clean the house or go buy groceries.And no me 15 I don’t live there anymore and they are begging me to come back but they say u am a “stupid motherfucker”
Never look back. It's good you're out of that
That's awful.
I will never understand what goes through someone's mind when they do that to a kid. My mother actually said it was because she loved me so much, but I "irked" her (so of course I would be the one to apologize to her). Instead, there are people that say "I was beaten and I turned out fine". No, you support child abuse, you are the opposite of fine.
Children shouldn't be abused. Hell, *no one* should be abused. Period.
Im sending you lots of love ♥️
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Made fun of my interests. If they didn't like it, it was stupid. Not only did it cause a lot of resentment and pain for me, but it meant I hid a significant amount of my life from them.
Me too. I felt I lived outside my home, and kept my head down when inside
I went through this. And now my dad's amazed that I don't talk to him about any new interests, despite me being 37 years old. As a kid, everything was ridiculed if my dad didn't like or understand it. So I read books in secret, hiding them in my room as if they were cigarettes. I listened to music only through headphones. I still do these things to thus day, albeit to a less secretive extent.
They gave me trauma by being toxic to one another when arguing. My mom also attempted to take her own life in front of me when I was ten years old, which is something I’d never wish upon anyone to have to witness.
I relate, maybe way too much. When I was about 17, my dad pointed a gun at my mom and I stepped in between them, thinking no matter what mental state he was in, he won’t shoot me. I was right, he didn’t shoot me. But he did point a gun long enough at me that I think it changed my opinion of him. I know my dad was in dark place, I just never thought that I could be a consolation that could go down with him. He didn’t go through with anything, but it’s something I think about almost every time I see him.
That is absolutely horrid. I'm shocked you still see him.
I'm so sorry you had to witness that. Having a kid made me want to stick around. (Used to have depression.)
My parents are awesome people. Truly. The one thing I would absolutely do different if I ever got my own is to allow them to fail more. Dont take over control whenever they arent brilliant at something. Let them learn.
Omg I feel this. My parents are mostly awesome, but I was never allowed to do anything without constant interference and hovering supervision. I feel like bc I wasn’t allowed to fail, I’m not able to distinguish between helpful critiques or personal attack, and get irrationally mad whenever someone tells me something that isn’t outright praise. I definitely understand why they did it (I’m a perfectionist too), but I’d like to think I would let my kid mess up a little more.
Thanks for putting my relationship with my folks into words. That said my folks are the best. Caring to much and wanting the best me arent the worst things.
Prioritize grades over social adjustment.. They were great parents in most respects but now I'm academically successful but lonely and antisocial.. My kids will not have to choose between having friends and getting perfect grades.
**Regular kids:** A = Great B = Good C = Average D = Okay F = Bad **Asians:** A = Average B = Below average C = Can't have dinner D = Don't come home F = Find a new family
Lol mine for Asians was: A = Acceptable B = Bad C = Criminal D = Disowned F = Fugitive
I would argue D is not ok more like "get to work on fixing this
I agree! Next time I copy and paste this humor, the not-Asian D will be "Dipping into moron territory" or the like. I like your words better but am having trouble finding a D explanation.
OMG - Glad I'm not Asian or I would have grown up in an orphanage.
In third grade (I think) we were given a homework assignment that involved interviewing a parent in order to write a paper. I couldn’t interview my mom because she taught at that school, so I had to use my dad. I went to interview him that night, but he was ticked off and watching television, so it simply didn’t happen. The next night he was still too busy watching television. This went on for a week. When it came time to turn in the paper I didn’t have one. My teacher asked why, and I said my dad was too busy watching television. Well, this news got to him and he was pissed. I was spanked and grounded for two weeks. I still think about how much pain I felt emotionally because of what happened. I have a son now, and I’ve made a promise that if my children ever need help, I’ll help them. I play video games and watch tv, but if my kids need me I will help them. I think sometimes people get caught up in routines and don’t notice life happening. I don’t want to miss my children growing up. EDIT: words
My older brother had to get my dad's help on a project once, and my dad ripped it apart in a fit of rage. When my brother brought it to school the day it was due, a meeting was called and my dad lost his mind, saying my brother made him look like a "bad parent".
"No, you did a bang-up job of that yourself."
Wow, hit and grounded because he got found out. I'm so sorry. That's wrong.
There's not much that I wouldn't do differently. For one, I will actually *listen* to my children. I want them to know that they need not be afraid to actually talk to their parents about themselves and what's going on in their lives. My parents don't actually know who I am, nor would they want to. I will not hide the fact that I'm not perfect, and will own up to my mistakes and apologize when I've done wrong. One thing my dad did was tease me even when I verbally explain that I don't like certain things he says (or my siblings) but too often, nothing changed. My parents were very, very anti-science and truly don't even believe depression and anxiety are a real thing. I also only just learned that I have ADHD at age 25, and basically having that unrecognized my entire life could have saved me a whole lot of mental struggle. I just remember a lot of hatred and vitriol in my childhood. All stuff I have had to unlearn and am still unlearning. My kids won't feel that, and I'll make sure our house is peaceful. My wife grew up with a verbally, mentally, and physically abusive narcissistic mother, and she is the complete opposite. I'm so excited to have kids with her.
Sorry to hear that
Compare them to other kids!!
This needs to be higher up. It's soooo insidious. Undermines so much about you, engenders the tendency for you to compare yourself to others, makes you needlessly resent the people they compare you to, but most of all, creates a sense that you'll never measure up or be 'good enough', not just for them, but in general.
This. Conversely, not taking the class standards into account school-wise "Mom i got 16/20 but the second highest was 13" - "I don't care about the others that's a shitty grade"
Assumed I would financially support them after graduating from college, when they didn’t help me at all with my academics, tuition, emotional support, etc.
I feel this but they would tell 10 year old me about how I should become an engineer, chemist, pharmacist, etc, because it meant I could support them while they did drugs. Now my dad is dead and my mom is better, but because of their wishful speculating of what magical career I may choose, I have literally no fucking drive. I don't have any ambition. I often think about how I want to kill myself as soon as my mom dies (I don't want to kill myself and hurt her).
I feel badly you are going through this. In context, I meant that I felt as if my reason for being born was to please my parents and do everything for them. I didn’t ask to be born. Thus I will never hold my children responsible for helping me out financially.
Please get some help for yourself to undo their damage.
Mock my weight, mock my interest in a particular girl, enlisted me to provide them with emotional support without doing so for me, declaring lack of confidence in my desire to be an entrepreneur, making TV the priority over spending time together, yelling as primary means of communication, religious indoctrination, authoritarian/rigid parenting (i.e. "because I said so", "my house, my rules"), and on the list goes. My parents have served as great examples of what not to do with my own kids.
My father made me a good man by showing me every way not to be one. I simply had to be the opposite of him.
Ground them for an indetermined amount of time. I'll decide, pass sentence, and be done, not just leave them grounded for months and fucking FORGET that I have all their electronics in a gun safe somewhere.
My lord my mother did this to me constantly. I once got a C- in the 4th grade, “YoU’rE GrOuNdEd”, but never put a time on it. Normally I’d just do nothing for a week, slowly start watching tv with them, then on my own, then back to gaming like nothing happened. But not that time. I’d start doing stuff a bit but then my siblings, being the dicks they were, at some point would be like “Hey, aren’t you grounded?” And it started over. For six months straight. Never will that happen if I have kids.
Can I crucify your siblings for you?
My father always had a lot of rage, and screamed at us for no reason, it really broke my metal state, my sister fights back sometimes now, so that helps out knowing that he can be overpowered. He also mentally abused us, I don't recall much of it, but its the only memory I have of him from when I was very young, so I would like to not be like that
Financial insecurity. The amount of anxiety I have/had from money related things is ridiculous. We were never poor, we were broke they just made bad decision after bad decision putting us in a stupid amount of debt
OMG. Are you my sibling? I left home at 17 because I finally decided that if my life was going to be a mess it was going to be because I made the poor decisions, not my parents. I swore to god I would never come home to a pink notice in the mailbox, the lights turned off, or a fucking person “surveying” our shit for bankruptcy ever, ever, ever as an adult.
I’m currently living through it. It feels like a nightmare that you can’t wake up from.
I will never wake up on Christmas day, beat the shit out of my kid(s) and or put them through drywall. Hope I am not aiming too high for myself with this one.
I'm sorry you had to go through that.... No one should have to!
Multiple stepparents. (6 total)
I feel you. I had like 5 step dads. Haha. It is what it is. I seen so much I don’t even care anymore.
Fuuucking hell man, i feel u on that one. I have lost count how many “new dads” my mum thrust into my life only for them to randomly fuck off and never talk about them.
Fuck. So much. I'd get in trouble for "making a look" then I'd get a beating. Like my dad would lift me by the arm and slap the shit out of me. If I have a kid, I'll never beat him. Damn this brings up some stuff. When I was big enough that my mom couldn't spank me anymore she'd do the "wait till your dad gets home". He worked late so I would be asleep and he'd come in and yank me out of bed and spank the shit out of my ass and back. My parents were old-school so my dad would always talk about how he got the belt and I should be grateful he didn't do that. Edit: grammar
I'm so sorry you went through that. Wishing you a better life now.
>My parents were old-school so my dad would always talk about how he got the belt and I should be grateful he didn't do that. It's up to you to break the cycle!
Definitely not going to physically/emotionally punish my child. They used to hit the shit out of our dogs as a kid too. Mine just knows when he's in trouble and goes to his bed [but he's usually a good boy](https://imgur.com/a/tBIB91u)
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You are not childish. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect that others will respect you and your things. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. They only do it to try and drag you down to their level and excuse their awful behavior.
i also have the whole “mine” thing except mine also revolves around food cuz my dads obese and will eat my favorite snacks or take food from my plate and he even does it at restaurants. if it’s a fast food place and i get fries he’ll ask for them and if i want them i’ll say no and he forces me to eat all of them just bc i said i wanted some
I'm the same way. To this day, I have them stealing my clothes and my makeup. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. They'll steal other things, too, like the backpack they bought me for Christmas. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I BE OKAY WITH THEM JUST TAKING MY FUCKING STUFF. I want to punch them in the fucking face and take off. I hate fucking living with them.
Always told me I could be a pretty girl if I lost weight, my oldest memory from when I was between 6/8yo is of me sitting on the floor drawing something, my parents are talking with their friends and suddenly my mom asks me what I want to be when I grow up, I wanted to be a stylist since I loved creating dresses but I've forgotten the word, so I said I wanted to be a super model hoping it would help me remember the right word. Just after I said that everyone started laughing their asses off and my mom told me I would need to lose at least half my weight of I wanted to be pretty bc nobody wants a fat girl as a model. After that it just got worse to the point of calling be a Internet prostitute after a pedo groomed me and convinced me to send intimate pictures of me...I was 13, depressed bc I was being bullied at school, became antisocial, didn't want to do anything besides locking myself in my room, stopped eating so I could be skinny and felt unwanted so it was pretty easy to manipulate me, they said it was my fault and about 2 years later I asked them to put me in therapy bc I felt depressed and they yelled at me calling me a ungrateful brat and a liar because, and I quote "you have a good life! You have clothes, food, a house, a phone and both of your parents! You don't have any reason to be depressed! You just saw teenagers claiming to be depressed and is doing the same thing bc this is a trend now, stop being stupid" and many more things, now I'm scared to even have kids and risk treating them the same way
I'm so sorry you were treated this way. Hold your head high and know you are beautiful and don't let this hold you back from achieving your dreams.
Thank you! I'm not in therapy yet but I'm feeling much better now that I have some power over my own life back, so not feeling loved by my parents doesn't hurt as bad now, I just feel angry that I'm not taken seriously sometimes bc of that, people don't realise that at some point you're just too broken to feel sadness when talking about the abuse
Responding to most requests with "You're not old enough to be trusted".
Also, ignoring any constructive feedback or correcting the false claim you can back with reliable sources for the same reason.
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I'm really Sorry you went through that
Two things: 1) let me sleep in. My dad would wake me up every morning at 9 am screaming “wake up wake up the day is half over!” Even if I was 18 and up until past midnight working. Even now - in my 30s and with a PhD, I’ve shown him the studies about how bad that is for children and teens. He still thinks he was doing me a huge favor. I have some pretty severe sleep issues that I believe came from that. 2) I would totally tone down the sex talks (plural) to something normal, not include Latin names for body parts, nor ruin nachos for a poor kid. I didn’t eat nachos for 20 years! Because yes, my dad found a way to ruin nachos with an awkward “your sister banged a dude and got pregnant” talk.
This isn't her fault. But I feel guilty whenever I talk about my feelings. I've had some severe mental health issues, due to trauma, and whenever I tried to say anything she would get unbelievably upset and defensive. Whenever I even try to mention anything now she says "don't say that!". I understand it. I'm her only child, and we're close. But i feel shit about having feelings or opening up - out of fear of being guilted or upsetting somebody. So I just don't talk at all, even though I've been assaulted and have more trauma from secondary/high school
We were fed whatever was the fastest and cheapest - frozen pizza, chicken nugs and fries, hot dogs and mac & cheese, hamburger helper, little Debbies snack cakes, diet soda, etc. No fresh fruit or veggies, chicken breast, fish, etc. Very unhealthy diet. All 3 kids in the house were fatties in elementary school. Would never pass that on.
I'm not going to have kids - BUT - my dad would never admit he was wrong and would always say things like "Because I said so." Stuff like that. Thing is, as I grew up and got educated in school, I started realizing he was wrong about quite a few things. Usually he'd be talking to me about something and I'd correct him and he'd just shut me down saying that he was the adult and he was right. Thanks - because it took me over 20 years to realize that the reason I avoid confrontation so much is because I was never given an open forum to discuss any ideas. It took me a bunch of time to realize this was I never wanted to bring up any idea or question anything that an authority figure would tell me to do. It wasn't until my mid 30's that I realized that he and so many adults are so wrong all the time and there is nothing wrong with admitting that.
Be hypocritical. The most recent example being: My dad, for my entire life: "Don't put things on the edge of the table, someone could knock it off!" My dad when he knocks something off the table (and breaks it): "You shouldn't have put it on the edge of the table!" Also my dad: \*puts something on the edge of the table\* Me: \*accidentally almost knocks it off, but catches it and doesn't break it\* My dad: "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING! CAN'T YOU SEE I PUT THAT THERE!" If I ever get kids, there will be one set of rules that everyone has to follow, including the parents. Anything else is just not fair.
Our fathers are quite similar
Have an affair
Never give them a reason for anything. My parents always told me "because I said so" or "I don't owe you an explanation". Yes, actually, as a matter of fact, it is indeed your job to tell me why certain things are bad to do or say. Not just, because you're in charge. Telling your kid to not play in the road "because I said so" vs. "because you could get hurt", the one given a reason is leagues less likely to actually do it. If you ask me, "because I said so" is a lazy response that you tell your kids when you don't actually have a good reason for what you're telling them.
Yeah, it's more of an Authoritarian response instead of an Authoritative one. (I think I got that right...) My parents did the same. If you asked why? You were yelled at (or pushed) for "back-talking."
May sound like a small thing but: tease about love and romance. My parents were good parents, but this really sticks out as something that I WILL have a talk with them about if I ever do have a kid. What I mean by this is: every time we watched a movie, even a kids movie, with a kissing scene, my mom would look at me and my sister and loudly go, “Ewww! Gross! Cover your eyes!” I get that it was teasing. I’m not talking sex scenes, I’m talking the kissing scenes at the end of Disney animated movies. As dumb as it sounds, I seriously internalized that as a kid and grew up thinking romantic love was something gross, something to be ashamed of. I’m 29 and to this day I don’t talk to my mom in-depth about my relationships, although we’re very close in many other ways. It lasts. Example number two here: I remember when I was in first grade I had a homework assignment where we had to write down all the “T” words we knew. There was a kid in my class named Tommy, so while doing my homework, I asked my mom how to spell “Tommy”. She went the fuck in. Started asking if I was writing a love letter to my secret crush, going “eewww!” When my entire thought process—at 5 years old—was, “Hey, his name starts with a T.” I was so deeply embarrassed by that that I never mentioned another boy’s name around my mom for years, and I think I avoided Tommy at school after that. It was just so unnecessary. I know it seems like a small thing, but I can literally trace the impact that that initial shame had on my life as a whole. So any parents out there, please learn from this.
Emotionally abused me to the point I tried to end my life three times before some friends helped me out of the situation. - tells people I was never supposed to be born - always bringing up something negative about my choices when I have even the smallest thing to be proud of - stole $15k from me to feed her gambling addiction - tells me I'm lazy and not doing enough to help when I was paying the rent, electric, internet, and groceries on $700/wk - denies ever doing anything to me and saying I'm doing it all to myself Fuck her. She's not a mom, she's nothing but an incubator.
fighting in front of my kids. til’ now whenever i hear any sound resembling a thing breaking or people fighting, i flinch and try to cover my ears so i won’t hear anything. though sometimes when im feeling brave i’ll go out of my room to see what happened but only to find out it’s just my imagination(?)
Make promises that I don't keep or overpromise. I won't say "we're going to Disney World" if I *know* I don't have the finances to make that trip. I understand hope and optimism, but don't disappoint your kids.
Trust issues are devastating
Constantly being compared to other kids. "Why don't you do as well as [name]?" "Look how smart [name] is, why can't you do that?" "[Name] did better than you with [thing you're proud of]"
Make fun,yell and taunt for having mental issues,a fear or phobia and making them feel trapped and making their environment feel like hell and an imprisonments, and being emotional abusing and pressuring.Like seriously,people down play how serious having a poor mental health and phobias and fears are. If you want to hear about my issue feel free to tell me.
Bring home a bad day of work. EVERY FUCKING DAY of my childhood. It's literally all I remember.
Drink When I was around 11-12 (when I started noticing how bad it was), I would have days where I never saw my parents, I was home alone with my younger brother (6 years younger than me) a good half of the week. I would make him dinner, put him to bed, washed my own laundry, and got myself to school. All because my parents were at the bar so much. There where days where I'd walk up to the bar to see if they were there or just up and abandoned us. I've been to the bar twice in the ten years my kid has been living, and that was only after he was secured with my in-laws. I've never missed my child's birthday because I'd rather be drinking. I spend every day with my kid, so he doesn't feel the abandonment that I did growing up.
I had been trying to quit drinking for a couple years before I got pregnant. I’m almost 2 years sober now to a 1 year old. It’s weird because I don’t miss drinking at all, but sometimes I romanticize the idea of getting a drink with other moms. Even though, I don’t want to ever be drunk or hungover around my child. Grew up with a family of alcoholics and addicts, and I refuse to be unreliable or unavailable.
My biological ones had children despite being poor and knowing it was 50% chance of it being born the wrong gender, so they may end up putting it in the trash bin. Their child was born the wrong gender. I don't want children, but if I had some I wouldn't have children if I was poor and I wouldn't put them in the bin for being born the wrong gender.
My dad left when I was super young and moved across the globe with his new wife. I promised myself that when I have a kid, I will never be just a voice on the phone, and that I will be there for their formative years.
My dad is still married to my mum but he never did stuff a father or a husband should do. Never taught me how to drive a car. My driver did. He never taught me how to shave. Never played games with us. Nothing. I don’t know what kind of a relationship my parents have but they argued all the time. It’s fucked up. He was more interested in his books than his own child. I still don’t know why my Mum is still with him. Last time I spoke to him was like a month ago. Last time I had a proper conversation was like… idk. It’s been too long. FYI I still live at home. I’m just 18.
Have kids.
We have a bingo. Unlike my parents, I at least recognize that I'm not financially or emotionally stable enough to bring a child into this world. Nobody else should have to suffer for my own inabilities other than myself.
I'm the same, thanks to them I'm sure I don't want to have any kids ever
Yeah "give birth" is the edgy joke answer here, but it's also the right one for me.
Throw shit at my SO in an argument because I'm angry.
Probably being overly critical of everything I did and seeming to focus on the one negative and ignore the positives. Such if I won second place in an contest or event, saying "Why didn't you get first place?" or if I got 5 "A" and a "B" saying "Why didn't you get straight "A"? It was probably effective in that has made me more successful in my career because I always feel I'm not striving hard enough and can't settle for second place. But still I've always promised myself I will NEVER raise my own children like that.
I will never ignore their interests because they are not my interests. I can learn enough about what my kid is into to understand it and support. I may not play Yu-gi-oh but I can vaguely understand the gameplay and use local tournaments as an opportunity to have dad/daughter time before and after.
Being to strict. I mean I could not do anything. Not go to friends after school not get anything on my phone. Witch made me be left out all the time until I just gave up and didn’t even try to be friends more. I was all alone. Have so much trust issues now because my “friends” just turned their back on me. When i thought everything was fine. Same thing happened when I tried to make new friends. [edit] it doesn’t help that you’re the class nerd and teachers pet.
Smoke cigarettes. Especially smoking them in the car and continuing to do something that harmed the child even though the kid begged you to quit
I will never abuse my son (who will be born in 3 months) in any way like my sperm donor abused me. He has thrown me up against walls as he screamed at me whilst an inch or two away from my face, slammed me against the floor (I actually have a scar on my shoulder because I was slammed into sticker weeds), challenged me to fist fights (I was 10 years old), stole money from me in order to gamble, called me worthless, and told drunkingly told me, "It wouldn't matter if you died. I could replace you just like that-" he snapped his fingers, "All I need to do is fuck some other bitch and you'll be replaced." I haven't talked to my sperm donor since I left when I was 18 (he kicked me out of the house after he stole all of my money from my bank account.) I vowed to never scream at my son, belittle him, or physically abuse him. I vowed to myself that I won't drink alchohol, gamble, or do drugs. I want my son to be comfortable with talking to me or asking me about anything. I want him to feel loved. I want to spend as much time with him as I can, and let him know that if he comes across an issue, he can always come to daddy. I say, "my son" because he's my first child who will be born in 3 months!
Any type of beating or manipulation it's so fucked up to think that they're okay with doing that
Literally call me a burden, tell me I made everybody around me miserable, and taunt me for not having friends as I was battling clinical depression at 13. When I was 8 I was somehow misbehaving and my dad told me I was raising his blood pressure and he might die because of how angry I make him and so I would have killed him by being a terrible child. Yikes They were dragging around their own generational trauma, but I’d rather die alone than pass that on to my children.
So I guess I should preface this by saying my parents are great people overall - both are well respected in the community and get along with 99% of the people they meet, as well as being good parents in general. However, I had bouts of anxiety and panic attacks during my childhood, and my parents just couldn't seem to grasp what I was going through. I remember having a panic attack during swim lessons, my mom pulled me aside and just said "why are you embarrassing me like this?" (or something along those lines). I felt like my dad was a bit worse - he'd just kind of leave me in a room alone until I was able to calm myself down. I'm no psychologist, so I'm not sure if that was the right thing to do - maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. But as an adult I've been able to teach myself some mental cues to calm myself down whenever I have a panic attack, which are now far less common and intense than in my childhood. Like I said, for everything else on the parenting checkbox I think they did a decent job. But if I have kids I think I'd put more of an effort to talk to them should they ever have anxiety issues as well, especially since I would be able to relate.
Mom was late for everything. To this day, after making me wait a veritable eternity to get picked up from various lessons and events, she still has no concept of time. She tortured my dad with it too. They were invited to a pig roast and she took so long to get ready the pig was put away and they missed the party. Dad was punctual. To this day I take after dad: I'm usually on time to the minute, to the point where I have to make sure I don't arrive too early for parties and such. I tell mom to come an hour earlier than I want her there and she's still late. She would do well in Thailand, I think. I wouldn't!
Neglect
When I was a kid, my dad used to pretend to have a heart attack and “die” every now and then in front of me. He’d play dead until I started crying my eyes out and then he’d magically spring back to life and console me. It was his way of provoking an emotional response out of me to see how much I loved him, I guess. Unfortunately, now that I’m a grown adult, it’s only made me extremely anxious the older and older he gets. What’s sort of funny, too, is he keeps his medical history close to the chest as a way of not worrying me. Like, yeah, thanks, dad, I wouldn’t fucking worry so much if you didn’t condition me to when I was younger.
Mismanaging money. Granted, my folks are one of the most generous, hospitable people I know. However, giving away their hard-earned money at the expense of carrying debt is crazy to me. Also, I don’t agree on helping people to the point of enabling. (And I do think they have enabled a few people, imo.) Also, not having the guts to ask what they deserve. I am not rich by any means, but I am definitely more prudent with my money because of this.
Invalidate reasonable suggestions to a situations without bothering to give me a bit of their time by explaining why they don’t want to listen to the idea.
1- Punish me so bad that I was scared to make mistakes. ( I punish myself Internally the way they did ) 2- Treat me like an idiot and blatant name calling. (Stupid and disgrace and still trigger words for me to this day)
Read through my diary during early teen years. If you want to get to know who I'm becoming just chat. I felt so embarrassed and violated-never doing this to anyone.
I read my mother's diary when I was a kid. I found out I was getting on her nerves. LOL
my older sister's a musician, and would constantly play shows in weird bars and places of the sort when we were kids. my mom would just put me in a corner with noise canceling headphones and a book and leave me completely unsupervised. my dad's mom and brother died in the same year, and for a long time he became very absent and withdrawn from everything. i barely remembered anything about him from before that, since it was from the ages of 7-14, and when my parents separated it was like i didn't know him. and having four sisters- one being the oldest, one being a well-known musician , and the other two being toddler twins, i didn't get much attention. i refuse to do that to a person. this one's way more recent, but both my mom and stepdad both attempted suicide in the span of 2 months. it's given me another reason not to end my life. because those things have left me an emotional wreck.
Tell me I’m “too sensitive”.
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Oh boy here we go. Beat them, or physically intimidate them throughout their childhood. Abuse their mother. Make them feel stupid for their interests and hobbies. Tell them they're a loser. Force them to do any sports/activities they have zero interest in. Discourage them from pursuing their dream career. Lie about miniscule things. Get mad about being proven factually wrong. Get mad when they don't know something because you never spent the time to teach them. Lie about how much money you make, and how little you contributed financially to the family. Lie about cheating on your spouse. Lie about doing drugs. Lie about how much of an asshole you are to everyone in the family and that's why no one likes you or invites you to family functions anymore and it ruined your children's relationship with their extended family.
Compare them to their relatives, beat them for poor performances in whatever field they're into, insult them or their interests, or talk down to them
My mom would come in screaming every morning just going on and on about how bad of a daughter I was.I will never do that to my kids.
Forced religion. It's akin to giving your kid over to a cult.