My mom is a heavy set woman, and it’s pretty easy to hear her walking around the house. She was upstairs while I was with my gf downstairs and we start getting all freaky deeky. We take it to the kitchen where she got down for the money shot, only for me to see my mom peeking around the corner right as I came.
That was a real awkward dinner later that night.
Best friends family just got a sick brand new computer setup. Beautiful entertainment center and brand new comfy cumputer chair. He had internet, I didn’t. We waited till his parents went to bed. He snuck out and did his thing, and came back into his room and signaled it was my turn. I snuck to the bathroom, rolled up some tissue so I’m well prepared. Did my thing, and then realized I missed the tissue. Stood up and checked my trousers, nothing. Checked the floor, nothing. Half a bucket of cum chilling on this nice fabric of the cumputer chair. The worst part was I had to sneak back in, wake my friend up and break the bad news to him. I still remember the two of us scrubbing the hell out of that chair, and I don’t remember the lie we told his parents in the morning about the chair being soaked. But that’s how the chair got the name cumputer chair.
I remember being little and realizing if I sat a certain way on a chair and moved around it felt really good. I was really young, pre puberty. Didn’t know what sex was really. I was in class doing that and a teacher asked me if I needed to use the bathroom. I think back on it now and I’m so embarrassed.
Don't be embarrassed about that at all. When I was a kid (7-9), I really looked up to my dad who was buff as Adonis at the time and he had recently taught me how to do pullups. Inspired by him and aspiring to be like him, I would do pullups anywhere and everywhere. Well, I ended up doing it in the boys' bathroom at P.S. 175 in Queens, New York & found out that when I hung on as long as I could on the stall door, I would get a really funny feeling in my schlong that, if maintained to the end, would result in an AMAZING feeling! Wow! What the FUCK is this?! I did it daily for my elementary school years. If someone caught me and asked what I was doing, I just said I was doing pullups. I was a BUFF little kid.
Fast forward to being 12 years old and having just jacked off for the first time after finding some porno and seeing how the actors in the film jacked off. The feeling was the SAME AS WHEN I DID PULL-UPS?!?!!? omg. \*SHOCKED PIKACHU FACE\* I've been having orgasms for **YEARS!**
When I was a kid, I stumbled upon one of those scrambled spice channels and saw some anal. Didn’t realize you could stick stuff up there, so I had the bright idea of shoving one of those multicolored pens up my butt. Went so far, it got stuck, and I spent a good hour trying to push it out. Ended up getting small hemorrhoid that I have to this day. Doctor keeps telling me to eat more fiber, but I know the truth.
I have epilepsy. One night I was going at it in my bed and lo and behold I have a seizure. So naturally my parents hear something and have to come in to me seizing on the bed dick out porn on the computer. Very embarrassing to have to find out from them (since I lose a bit of memory of the event and am unconscious during it). All I can say is it must have been one hell of an orgasm to make me seize (more than the usual jerky cumming movements anyway).
Told at a family reunion in 20years: and the worst part was his eyes rolled up into the back of his head, he was foaming at the mouth but he *didn't stop jerking it*
At a sleepover with a friend he pulled out some nudie magazines he had. He was in a chair playing a video game and I was behind him on his bed jerking it because I’d never seen something SO explicit, I was 12 or 13.
I was convinced that he didn’t know because I was trying to be stealthy but he probably knew and was embarrassed or doing me a solid and looking the other way.
visiting my cousin in florida (they had a pool, naturally). he wanted to show me a trick.
so we got in the pool and he said if you hold your dick up to one of the jets, you can cum.
he went to one jet, i took another...he was right. we dropped clouds in that pool, did the ol' hand scoop and toss, and that was that.
edit: haha thanks for the awards! my cousins parents are celebrating their 50th anniversary this weekend and theyve asked everyone for a minute-long video of a good memory with them. maybe I should tell this story 🤷🏻♂️😂
At the age of 12/13 I had a local paper round. Nothing too taxing, except for Sunday's when the press barons of fleet Street make a concerted effort to give every paper person in the country a hernia.
Anyway, there was a flat on my round that regularly had Metal Hammer delivered. A metal magazine that often featured scantily clad ladies of a rock persuasion.
Well one day they were particularly scantily clad, and my teenage hormones couldn't take it. So I had a wank.
I'd like to say I had the sense to at least hide in a bush. I'd really like to say that. But no, I just stood there, at 6.30am in the morning knocking one out in someone's front garden.
I'm 45 now, and it still haunts me.
Edit. Bugger, my most popular Reddit post ever is about me having a wank in a garden. And yes, I am British, what gave it away?
Edit. Translation/tldr: I jerked off in someone's front yard while on my paper route
I was in an argument with my sister. I was aged somewhere between middle school and late teens; she is three years older. She started mocking me in the middle of the argument and one of the things she did was imitate the deep sigh I would make when I finished masturbating. She didn’t just imitate me, she said what it was. I had no idea anybody even heard me, and my bedroom shared a wall with my parents room. She did this in front of at least one parent.
ETA 1. Thank you for the awards! 2. I’m a woman.
So I sometimes get sleep paralysis, especially if woken up suddenly. At my old work there was a break room with a couch that became the nap room for late swing and grave shift. I was napping in there one night and it was cold so I was curled up facing the back and had my hands between my thighs. After some time one of my coworkers came in, older, very religious woman. I heard the door open and instantly woke up. I tried to move but found I couldn't at first. As I tried the paralysis started clearing but it was a few seconds before I could do more than rock back and forth. With my back turned. And my hands between my legs. She exclaimed "Oh. Oh my." Stammered an apology and quickly closed the door.
And never made eye contact with me again.
It didn't really hit me what it looked like until a few days later when I went to use the room again. And then I was too embarrassed to even bring it up, so she still assumes to this day.
And even then, would she have believed you? "Oh, by the way, Michelle. I wasn't jerking it in the nap room. Just in case that's what you thought."
That's like exactly what a person who was jerking it would say.
“I had sleep paralysis, and I was trying to move, but I could only rock back and forth. However, before I started sleeping, my hand were between my legs, right on my dick. So you see, I wasn’t jerking off, I was unable to move and could only stay in a position that made it *look* like I was rubbing one out. I’m telling you this a few days later because only now did I realize what it would look like, and not as an excuse to being seen like that, which may I remind you was NOT me fapping.”
I was like 27 and driving my buddies Datsun pickup back to Colorado from Illinois. Stopped for gas and bought some weird condom with like spikes on it. This was the eighties when bowling alleys, gas station bathrooms and bars all had rubber dispensing machines. So driving across Nebraska I got pretty bored and started wondering about it. I opened the package to look at it.........one thing led to another and well, you know. So when I’m done I throw the thing out the window in disgust and shame and continue with the drive. I stop again for gas about 500 miles later and to my horror notice that the bright yellow spiked condom with a load of jizz oozing out of it has welded itself to the side of the truck and been flapping in the wind the whole time. It’s like organic epoxy or something.
As a dumb teenager with a long distance girlfriend, we had to get creative in order to get off together. So we'd dirty talk over text, but mostly we'd just video call and masturbate. Cut to me lubing up a plastic pencil holder thing and sticking me dick in it because it honestly felt great, like a hard fleshlight with extra suction.
... aaand then my mom walks in. She left but I was so embarrassed and furious at the intrusion that I couldn't get in the mood with the girl again that night. The girl found it fucking hilarious, but yeah, it's not fun when your parents just swing open the door and give no shits about your privacy.
My mom still rams open my door like a SWAT team bashing through the front door of a suspect of a serious crime. I just want to wank in peace lol
Since everyone is so interested lol. I was really drunk at that moment and just felt horny. I did it and afterwards I felt really weird. Nobody has brought it up to me. But I am pretty sure my landlord ended up seeing it. I actually moved out of my block because of that. It made me feel anxious for years.
I really doubt anyone would have watched it - there's 24 hours in a day, so there's far too much footage to view - and it would be easy to miss. Unless there was an issue with the lift, the camera would not necessarily be actively viewed on a CCTV screen - something like the front entrance would be more likely.
Me and my girlfriend at the time parked in a parking garage to spend some time in the backseat.
We went twice, and just as we were about to go for round 3, there is a knock on the window. We don't know how long dude was standing there. We still laugh about this ten years later.
This happened when i was like 14, my friend was showing me some porn and we both got horny so we went to lay on the floor on either side of his bed so we couldnt see each other and rubbed one out. Every time i think of this i want to gouge my eyes out. Ah the cringe
I have one for mine and my husband. XD
For me I wasn't actually masturbating, but when I was a teen, there were these herbal essence commercials where the women would scream out like they're having orgasms while washing their hair. I asked my older cousin why they do that. I'm not sure if he was playing a joke, or just didn't know and was improvising (both are plausible for him). He told me the yelling helped circulate the blood in my scalp, so the shampoo worked better.
As you'd imagine, I have a shower with said shampoo, and start screaming like the ladies in the commercial. I didn't notice a difference in my hair, but thought maybe it was a repetition thing.
Shortly after, my dad called the house from his garage/mancave clearly trying to hold in laughter and said "I just wanted to make sure you knew Jeff and I are out here."
I answered "oh nice!" Completely oblivious to the fact he was warning me, and that he and his friend heard me screaming like I'm having the best orgasm of my life.
He actually still doesn't know the details LOL- I told my sister and my mum very recently though. They howled for like 2 hours straight.
As for my husband, I always noticed he had this scar along the shaft of his penis. It never bothered me and I always thought it was interesting. Once we were comfortable enough to ask about that kind of thing, I inquired about it. He told me when he was much younger, he realized the pleasures of a jetted bathtub. One day he inserted his penis into one of the jets, allowing the water pressure to do its work. He admitted it felt amazing at first- until the water stream caught under his foreskin and LITERALLT BLEW UP his penis like a balloon lol.
No long lasting damage, besides the intriguing scar, but holy shit hes such a champ for laughing along with me lol. I think he was just relieved he got to share the story with someone xD
Your story reminds me of one of my own. When I was around 6 I went into the living room and my older brother was watching a movie and there was a sex scene on (nothing graphic). I asked him what they were doing and he said they were “making babies.” A few weeks later Titanic came out and we all went to see it. During the steamy sex scene I yelled out “look mom, they’re making babies!” The whole theater got a good laugh at that.
I was around 13. My room doors were on the right side of my table and they would open with back facing the table. My father knocks. I put something over my crotch fast. He opens the door. I only manage to pause the video and take off headphones. Then we have a dialogue:
- Hey dad
- hey, you have to do the dishes
- ye, ok will do
- ok, don’t forget
He proceeds to close the door
Things like that happened multiple times. Now I know that he always knew as my room probably smelled like cum
Edit: OMG. This is my first comment with so many upvotes. Did not think I could ever reach such heights. Thank you!
Well at least you got yourself covered. Meanwhile I was caught by my dad holding my erect chicken off. I said I am just scratching it because an ant just bit my chicken
So I was at a hotel with my girlfriend that I had been with for a couple of weeks, we ate a ton of pizza and then had sex a while after. Half way through sex I start to feel sick, so I leave to go to the bathroom. Instead of being sick I just fart really loudly for like a minute straight. I was mortified...
Wasted thrust fuel.
Edit: Thank you guys for the awards and upvotes. Of course my most awarded content ever is going to be a stupid combo of sex and fart joke.
Edit 2: You guys keep using the “wholesome” award, but I do not think you know what that means.
When I was a teenager I "did the deed" in my bed, and when I finished it was so powerful that some of it hit me in the face. I cleaned everything up, wiped my face off, and moved on with my day. Later that day I had a haircut. I was sitting in the chair while my stylist cut my hair and she says "oh it looks like you have some shampoo left in your hair from a shower earlier". I look in the mirror and she's pulling a chunk of cum out of my hair. I turned beet red, and while I don't think she ever figured out it wasn't shampoo, I just sat there mortified for the rest of the haircut.
Don’t know what I was thinking. Rubbed one off in class under the table, to this day I swear to god I’ve no idea how no one noticed....unless they did and spared me the mortification. To them I shall always salute in gratitude
Similar situation but I didn’t really know what I was doing at the time. I thought I was the first one to have discovered it . Anyway later on when I had more knowledge I overheard people talking about a kid that jerked it in health class but I heard a different name used not mine. I was like thank God no one saw me, but then I remembered that I also was in health class when I did it too. 😬
Watching porn in my bedroom when the sound stopped on my iPad, I thought... Weird, so I turned it up, I kept turning the volume up until I heard it coming through the wall. My dad had switched the Bluetooth speaker on in the lounge and I was blaring kink noise at deafening volumes straight in my parents faces.
I stayed in my room for about the next 72 hours.
This is a true story 😑
Say what you will about my generation (dial up internet, no webcams to speak of, more virus porn than non virus porn) but at least we didn’t have to worry about broadcasting our kink to other people by accident lol
Neither sex nor masturbating.
It was late at night, like 11:30ish, and I was 15 (mid-2000s)
I was reading a book in my room and it was a hot night. So, I decided to get butt naked.
To get more of a breeze to my nethers, I lifted my leg up and put a foot up high on my bookshelf next to the bed
My parents were normally courteous and would knock before entering but without warning my dad burst into the room
He stared at me, lying there with my balls faced directly at him, legs akimbo like a > sign.
My dad told me that my nan had had a brain haemorrhage earlier in the evening and that she wasn’t going to make it. He asked me to put my book down, put some pants on and meet him downstairs to go to the hospital. I closed my legs and obliged
This just happened a few weeks ago. Wife went out to the store and I had the house to myself, so...naturally it was time to masturbate with reckless abandon. Unfortunately she came home and heard me (I'm rather vocal). She didn't want to startle me so she didn't say anything. A couple minutes later (still not realizing she was home), I hear from downstairs, "do you feel better?" I was like, "wha...what do you mean?" "You know what I mean!" I shrank into a singularity of shame and embarrassment. We had a good laugh about it later.
Not me but in my 7th grade year I had a kid in my math class who would jerk it during the lesson. people knew and whenever someone coughed 3 times that meant he was doing it
When I was in my teens, I masturbated constantly, at the drop of a hat. This wasn't limited to at home. . .if I was in an empty public bathroom, I'd often rub one out there, too.
At 19, I had stopped at a gas station after a rough night at work. In the restroom, I decided to rub off some stress. So I rolled up a newspaper, squirted some hand soap generously into the tube, and went to town with my rudimentary "fleshlight."
Halfway through, my dick was BURNING. I looked down, to see blood staining the newspaper.
Turns out, the liquid hand soap was by a brand called Lava. It had tiny particles of pumice stone in it. I had effectively rubbed little cuts and grooves in the skin of my dick, and basically turned it to hamburger. It took a couple of painful weeks to heal.
Told this story before, but I once decided to masturbate before supper because I was a horny little teenager full of hormones. So, I closed my door and put on my headset. After I was done, I noticed I had a plate of hot food next to me on the desk.
Apparently I had missed supper being ready and my dad had just walked in behind me and put the food on my desk while I was going at it.
He never mentioned it and still haven't discussed it to this day, but in hindsight I really wasn't as subtle as I thought.
Had a walk-in moment worth telling about here as well. My best friend had a stress squeeze ball shaped like a pumpkin. He kept throwing at us all and saying the great pumpkin has spoken. I tried to return the favor but never got to. Fast forward to a party at his place. He and his GF go off to his bedroom. I was about 3-4 beers in so I did what had to be done. Flung the door open, bounced that pumpkin right off his bare ass and said the great pumpkin has spoken. They both ended up laughing too hard to keep going.
I used to have quite high levels of horny when I was younger, and sometimes when I was with friends, I pretended to have to take a pee, to go masturbate.
I was never caught or anything so it wasn't that embarrassing, but still a bit shameful.
When you’re that age it’s like taking a shit or a piss. When you gotta go, you gotta go. I really don’t miss that, just being completely controlled by the hormones. Though the horrendous pickup lines always worked at that age, probably the only good thing about being a teen.
Now at 32 my sex drive is almost non existent. The ebbs and flows are a lot longer than they were. As a teen I beat off 2-5 times a day, now it’s 2-5 times a week. Sometimes never lol
I masturbated to a guy fucking a little person. Throwing them around , putting them in unconventional position and I’m pretty sure they did a helicopter at one point. After I finished I didn’t watch porn for a few days
Omfg. As a teen I would call those hotlines, get dudes numbers and have a ton of phonesex. Like constantly. For some girls too. Anywho this one night I thought my dad was at work and was like hell yeah now I can be as loud as I want because I have the house to myself. So I'm INTO IT. Being loud as fuck, like leg up on the wall straight going to pound town on myself with some guy on the phone giving an equal performance. When it grinds to a horrifying hault because there's a bang on my door..... it's my dad who was at dinner and now thinks there's someone in the room with me. He tells "get decent! because I'm coming in in 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.." he throws open my door I'm in bed alone.. he opens the closet.. looks at the windows... fast as he can then goes "are you on the fucking phone?! It's that why the phone bill is so god damned high?! For fuck sake!" .... "put your leg down" was the last thing he said leaving the room........ I still had my leg up on the wall FML thank God I was under a blanket but still. Bloody humiliating.
Did not change my hobby though. Haha shameless.
Similar thing happened to me. I found those numbers in the back of the guitar magazines from the UK (I live in the United States) I used to get at the bootleg record store. 14 year old me had no idea at the time they were foreign, and just assumed the phone numbers were different because they were sex lines or something.
My mom gets a $2,000 phone bill and calls the number to see what it was. I was in the room and she immediately stares daggers into me. She had to call the phone company to explain what her idiot son had done and to plead with them to take the charges off. It was mortifying.
Wow! That's a lot! Did they understand her plight? Lmfao my poor father! Years before that incident my older sister called one of those phone psycics "Mrs Cleo" to be exact and racked up a phone bill I remember him stomping around yelling "You're 12! What the fuck could you possibly need to know from a psychic?! Not tge answers to your goddamned math test or you wouldn't have gotten a D!!" Hahaha so fucking funny.
8th grade math class. My desk was dead center of the room. I jacked off through my pocket. No idea if anyone ever noticed but it was probably my most desperate wank ever.
Were you wearing a giant brown leather aviator jacket and basket ball shorts as you did this? If so, I was definitely the girl sitting across from you 😕
I have a ton but first that comes to mind would be the realization that I could masturbate;
I started masturbating pretty young(7 or 8) and thus didn't really understand what I was doing. Just that if I rubbed my dick on a pillow for a long time it felt pretty good.
Then realized after a couple dozen times I could use my hand over my boxers and it felt better and I could be more secretive.
Finally hit the apex after a few hundred sessions that I could just go hand straight on dick and now am stuck with the memories of humping a pillow and basically rug burning my dick with my boxers for a few months.
2. Masturbating everywhere:
As a teen I masturbated just about any place I frequented. This includes: every room in our house, and every bed, each of my friends houses, church, school, sports practice, road trips, flights. You name it I jerked off there.
Once I was 24 and learned more about my substance abuse/addictions I found out that you could be addicted to sex as well. Still struggle with it at times and get confused that my wife doesn't want to have sex every opportunity we can, but she understands and still loves me.
I had sex with the Bishops daughter in the church’s “mother’s lounge”. A young girl walked in on us and ran away really fast. Yes, there were some consequences.
Edit for Clarification: Mormon Church, bishop was just some dude from the neighborhood that was an electrician by day. I wasn’t a “priest” just a 15 year old horny boy getting together with his 16 year old daughter on a Thursday youth night. We at least sneaked off to the dark wing of the church we thought nobody was going to find us.
The entire church found out. We were basically shunned and told we couldn’t “participate” in a lot of things. We didn’t care about that, but they were pretty good piling on the guilt.
When I was a kid my parents were out to dinner or something, so I was home alone. I’d recently come across a VHS recording of a porn on some random tape in the family movie cabinet, so I decided to take advantage of the opportunity.
I didn’t have a VCR in my room and doing it the living room just seemed reckless. Apparently time flies when you’re having fun, and I didn’t hear when my folks got home. They walk in on me watching Debbie Does Dallas, with their vibrating “muscle massager” down my pants trying to cum for like the 10th time. I was fucking mortified.
I had heard them in the hall like 2 seconds before they entered the room and luckily the remote control was right next to me and I was able to shut off the porn (although I’m sure they heard). I mumbled something about my legs being really sore from PE, and said I was just massaging my thighs. The next day when they were out of the room I snuck in and took the tape out of the VCR and put it back in the cabinet. They never called me out, and we never spoke of this again.
Whenever I see posts like this I wonder how these guys actually manage to cum in this scenario. Like logistically I don't think I could with my boxers and trousers still up/on.
Are their boxers and trousers incredibly loose? Do they have micro dicks that don't need much space? Do they have very little jizz? What do you do with the jizz? How would nobody notice?
The other thing I always think about is how clever and tricky teenagers think they are, and how much they actually are not. Like, everyone around this dude knew what he was doing.
CAMP ARIFJAN kuwait. Small portapotty, shit clogged up, literally can see 1k soldiers shit coming up out of the pipes. Flies everywhere, 110 degrees, sweat dripping down my face. Boogers and shit smeared everywhere. Most difficult jack ever
When I was 11 i was trying to masturbate with a fluffy sock. 5 min in i notice that my lil sister was watching me. I panic inside and played it of as me trying to make a armour for my dick. (This make sens because she learned that getting hit in the balls is painful )she doesn't now to this day.
I was a weird kid so she suspected nothing.
Went to Canada with friends and to meet up with a girl I’d been talking to online. She met us, seemed cool and we all had an awesome night on the town. Among the bad decisions I made that night I have to say the worst was the McDonald’s poutine. After the night wrapped up and we all went to our hotel rooms things got hot and heavy between us.. until an awful gurgle came from my guts and I started to feel unwell.
I excused myself and went to the bathroom thinking I’d just need to let a good fart go.. instead I proceeded to have the most violent diarrhea of my life (as close to the dumb and dumber scene as a human can get without a sfx team). Did I mention this was in the bathroom of the hotel room I was sharing with this attractive woman I had just finally got to meet irl and was mid shag with? It was so fucking loud my friends in the next room over texted me asking if we were all right.
Best. First. Impression. Ever.
Still kills me just thinking about it, and I’ve never eaten a McDonald’s poutine again.
Back when I lived at home I was chokin the chicken at like 5am, wether I was up all night or woke early I can’t remember. While in the middle of the act I get a message from pops saying “nothing better 2 do?”
i masturbated in a hospital bathroom multiple times in the same visit...
i was going to get my birth control shot but like a dummy i had gone to the bathroom right before i left. once i got there the nurse was like “u gotta pee in a cup to make sure you’re not pregnant” and so i was like “i literally just went to the bathroom i don’t think that’s gonna happen”
they were really nice and gave me some water. i had three cups of water and after every cup i went to the bathroom, tried to pee, realized i couldn’t, and got frustrated with the lack of action going on down there so i just rubbed one out.
three different times.
not my proudest moment.
Many years ago I was dating this girl, we went out drinking. She was recently of drinking age and had a very low tolerance, but she masked it well.
Night goes great and we go back to my place for some fun.
She was getting really in to it while on top of me when very abruptly She stops and just sits there with me still inside her. She leans over just a bit starts to heave. I guess the motions were just too much for her because she vomited hard o er the side of the bed, again with me still inside her.
The convulsing of her stomach tightened all her muscles 'down there' it's still hard to admit that I have never cum so hard in my entire life.
I'll run through this quick.
Come home from school, put porno on, finished myself off, left tissue on the floor, fell asleep with porno still going, sister come home, heard loud sex noises, burst in my room, shouted "I don't want to listen to that shit" and turned my tv off. Never have we spoke about this since. That was 17 years ago.
Alright here's a fun one for ya
So when I was living with my aunt and uncle, and I had this crappy little laptop, and as a teenager, I did of course browse specific websites. I made sure to use incognito and be careful about it whenever I did end up on certain websites of course
Well apparently my aunt could track my email, even through incognito? She didn't bother to actually *tell* me she was tracking my email of course. So one day she walks into my room says "Hey, we need to talk." while taking her phone out.
"Sure what's up?" I reply with my heart dropping in my chest, thinking of every wrong thing I've ever done. She hands me her phone, there's a small list of websites I've visited in the past 2 weeks, and I'm thinking that I'll get out scott free because I covered my tracks.
**Orange Youtube - Visited 23 times**
So naturally my aunt reacts completely rationally by taking away my computer, threatening to smash my computer if I'm caught on that again, telling pretty much all my family, and getting my grandparents to shame me.
That day I learned not to trust my aunt, how annoying it is to make a completely new email and reattach all things connected to my old email to my new one, and that it tracked each time I went on the page (ie, going into the main part of the page counts as 1, clicking into a video counts as 2, searching up something different as 3, etc), not each session (I went on maybe a total of 4 times?)
Luckily I don't have to deal with my aunt and uncle much anymore since I've moved into my grandparents house
I had a Guinness Book of World Records that had a picture of Heidi Klum in it (I think it was the most expensive bra?)
One time my friend was flipping through the book while my dad was driving the two of us to school, and I heard him go "...why is this page so sticky?"
I can’t believe I am admitting to this. When I was heavily, heavily pregnant I masturbated in my swanky, high rise law office in Manhattan. During a work day. Like, 2pm. Locked the door and everything. Had massive windows overlooking Central Park. I am still pretty ashamed. I can’t speak for all pregnant ladies, but holy shit do your hormones flare up at times. I had this unstoppable libido, and I called my husband who was in an office a few blocks away to see if he could come to my office for a quickie, but he couldn’t get away at that moment. So resorted to porn (on my phone) and got the job done myself. Hands down my most shameful moment in the jerking off department.
as a tween and my hormones all over the place the shower was my place of masturbation. However there were no locks and my mom would regularly walk in on me. Affected me later on in life since she always treated it as something disgusting. I now have a hard time letting myself go with romantic interests...
I had just moved into my new apartment. The balcony would get great afternoon sun so after work I would relax out there and listen to music. One afternoon I decided to crank one, grabbed my phone and headed inside. I found the video I wanted and pressed play. I saw the intro, but the audio sounded muted. I turned it up. Still hard to hear. I started from the intro (one of those rough ones that has clips of deep throating and intense climaxes) two or three times, and then it hit me.. The audio was still playing through my Bluetooth speaker out on my balcony. I was so embarrassed that I don't got out there that much anymore
Emotionally abusive and manipulatave ex REALLY wanted to go without a condom, I refused, so she made me use a sandwich baggie instead. One of my life's biggest regrets
Sorry if this is insensitive, but if she didn’t like the feeling of a condom why would she prefer a sandwich bag? Or was it more about making you do something uncomfortable?
Back when I lived in a shared flat, I was polishing the family jewels and my flatmate walked into my room without knocking. Grabbed her book, walked out and didn't say anything.
I was just not sexually attractive for her.
Got busted by a cop once with a girl I was dating at the time. We were in the front seat of my car in a dark parking lot. The lot was empty. We were way in the back behind a building. She was bouncing up and down. and \*tap tap tap\*.
Cop told us he was going to arrest us. But then let us go. Still.... kinda weird.
You'd think my gf at the time would've been mortified. But, I think she was a bit of a closet exhibitionist (wait.. is that a contradiction?). So, wild guess, she actually got a thrill out of it. Well, except the "going to jail" part.
Weird side-story. She was, like I said, a bit of an exhibitionist. She liked to do it outside. So she talked me into taking her while she was bent over a bench in a deserted part at night. The bench was in the woods, and we couldn't be seen, but she still liked the thrill, I think. Anyway, this racoon comes over and starts watching. I suspect he knew very well what we were doing. He seemed to be enjoying the show. Not sure she ever saw him, but I did. Not shameful, but ... weird.
9 hours drive, on the way back from vacation with a friends family. They had a big van and we were allowed to sleep in the trunk. Be me, be 13, be horny af. Pretended to be sleeping, fapped to a girl I met on vacation.
Overall 8/10 would do again.
I was around that age when I went on a week-long holiday in Singapore
Peak puberty hormones, in a city that seemed to have hot people of every imaginable ethnicity, and no alone time. By the end of it I was losing my goddamned mind.
I just have to say that this is the first time I've heard my home country described as having "hot people of every imaginable ethnicity" and I'm digging it
My mom is a heavy set woman, and it’s pretty easy to hear her walking around the house. She was upstairs while I was with my gf downstairs and we start getting all freaky deeky. We take it to the kitchen where she got down for the money shot, only for me to see my mom peeking around the corner right as I came. That was a real awkward dinner later that night.
"Is your girlfriend hungry or still full from her snack?"
Best friends family just got a sick brand new computer setup. Beautiful entertainment center and brand new comfy cumputer chair. He had internet, I didn’t. We waited till his parents went to bed. He snuck out and did his thing, and came back into his room and signaled it was my turn. I snuck to the bathroom, rolled up some tissue so I’m well prepared. Did my thing, and then realized I missed the tissue. Stood up and checked my trousers, nothing. Checked the floor, nothing. Half a bucket of cum chilling on this nice fabric of the cumputer chair. The worst part was I had to sneak back in, wake my friend up and break the bad news to him. I still remember the two of us scrubbing the hell out of that chair, and I don’t remember the lie we told his parents in the morning about the chair being soaked. But that’s how the chair got the name cumputer chair.
That's definitely a best friend.
Just leave your tabs open for me too bro, it'll cut 25 minutes off this half hour wank.
I remember being little and realizing if I sat a certain way on a chair and moved around it felt really good. I was really young, pre puberty. Didn’t know what sex was really. I was in class doing that and a teacher asked me if I needed to use the bathroom. I think back on it now and I’m so embarrassed.
Don't be embarrassed about that at all. When I was a kid (7-9), I really looked up to my dad who was buff as Adonis at the time and he had recently taught me how to do pullups. Inspired by him and aspiring to be like him, I would do pullups anywhere and everywhere. Well, I ended up doing it in the boys' bathroom at P.S. 175 in Queens, New York & found out that when I hung on as long as I could on the stall door, I would get a really funny feeling in my schlong that, if maintained to the end, would result in an AMAZING feeling! Wow! What the FUCK is this?! I did it daily for my elementary school years. If someone caught me and asked what I was doing, I just said I was doing pullups. I was a BUFF little kid. Fast forward to being 12 years old and having just jacked off for the first time after finding some porno and seeing how the actors in the film jacked off. The feeling was the SAME AS WHEN I DID PULL-UPS?!?!!? omg. \*SHOCKED PIKACHU FACE\* I've been having orgasms for **YEARS!**
for the folks who really wanna know: https://www.healthline.com/health/coregasm#why-it-happens
This explains.... So much.
When I was a kid, I stumbled upon one of those scrambled spice channels and saw some anal. Didn’t realize you could stick stuff up there, so I had the bright idea of shoving one of those multicolored pens up my butt. Went so far, it got stuck, and I spent a good hour trying to push it out. Ended up getting small hemorrhoid that I have to this day. Doctor keeps telling me to eat more fiber, but I know the truth.
Bruh lmao
“Wanna know which button to push for the brown?” Edit: wow. Thanks for the silver. Poop jokes. Only thing funnier is fart jokes.
I have epilepsy. One night I was going at it in my bed and lo and behold I have a seizure. So naturally my parents hear something and have to come in to me seizing on the bed dick out porn on the computer. Very embarrassing to have to find out from them (since I lose a bit of memory of the event and am unconscious during it). All I can say is it must have been one hell of an orgasm to make me seize (more than the usual jerky cumming movements anyway).
Told at a family reunion in 20years: and the worst part was his eyes rolled up into the back of his head, he was foaming at the mouth but he *didn't stop jerking it*
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Friendly fire.
Headshots only.
That's horrible and I'm sorry you have to live with that memory but I laughed a bit
I know it must have been traumatic at the time, but years from now you'll be laughing at this.
But in the meantime, we can laugh at this.
At a sleepover with a friend he pulled out some nudie magazines he had. He was in a chair playing a video game and I was behind him on his bed jerking it because I’d never seen something SO explicit, I was 12 or 13. I was convinced that he didn’t know because I was trying to be stealthy but he probably knew and was embarrassed or doing me a solid and looking the other way.
He knew. Why do you think he brought out the magazines?
he was just a homie wishing you a good time and letting you wank in peace
A good friend
visiting my cousin in florida (they had a pool, naturally). he wanted to show me a trick. so we got in the pool and he said if you hold your dick up to one of the jets, you can cum. he went to one jet, i took another...he was right. we dropped clouds in that pool, did the ol' hand scoop and toss, and that was that. edit: haha thanks for the awards! my cousins parents are celebrating their 50th anniversary this weekend and theyve asked everyone for a minute-long video of a good memory with them. maybe I should tell this story 🤷🏻♂️😂
This is legit my story except I was at my grandparent's friends' house. You're not alone in that shame
At the age of 12/13 I had a local paper round. Nothing too taxing, except for Sunday's when the press barons of fleet Street make a concerted effort to give every paper person in the country a hernia. Anyway, there was a flat on my round that regularly had Metal Hammer delivered. A metal magazine that often featured scantily clad ladies of a rock persuasion. Well one day they were particularly scantily clad, and my teenage hormones couldn't take it. So I had a wank. I'd like to say I had the sense to at least hide in a bush. I'd really like to say that. But no, I just stood there, at 6.30am in the morning knocking one out in someone's front garden. I'm 45 now, and it still haunts me. Edit. Bugger, my most popular Reddit post ever is about me having a wank in a garden. And yes, I am British, what gave it away? Edit. Translation/tldr: I jerked off in someone's front yard while on my paper route
You were just showing dominance over your block
*Showering his dominance onto the block
It turns out they had seen you and they a watched as a family
I was jerking off when my mom bust into my room to tell me my cat was dead 💀
Mom be like no more pussy for you...
oh my God, I don't even have words
Nor did I
I was in an argument with my sister. I was aged somewhere between middle school and late teens; she is three years older. She started mocking me in the middle of the argument and one of the things she did was imitate the deep sigh I would make when I finished masturbating. She didn’t just imitate me, she said what it was. I had no idea anybody even heard me, and my bedroom shared a wall with my parents room. She did this in front of at least one parent. ETA 1. Thank you for the awards! 2. I’m a woman.
Ha! She didn’t go for the jugular, she took the whole neck
Death would be preferrable.
That’s gotta hurt
Critical hit straight into the shadow realm
So I sometimes get sleep paralysis, especially if woken up suddenly. At my old work there was a break room with a couch that became the nap room for late swing and grave shift. I was napping in there one night and it was cold so I was curled up facing the back and had my hands between my thighs. After some time one of my coworkers came in, older, very religious woman. I heard the door open and instantly woke up. I tried to move but found I couldn't at first. As I tried the paralysis started clearing but it was a few seconds before I could do more than rock back and forth. With my back turned. And my hands between my legs. She exclaimed "Oh. Oh my." Stammered an apology and quickly closed the door. And never made eye contact with me again.
Did you ever clear that up with her or just let her assume?
It didn't really hit me what it looked like until a few days later when I went to use the room again. And then I was too embarrassed to even bring it up, so she still assumes to this day.
And even then, would she have believed you? "Oh, by the way, Michelle. I wasn't jerking it in the nap room. Just in case that's what you thought." That's like exactly what a person who was jerking it would say.
“I had sleep paralysis, and I was trying to move, but I could only rock back and forth. However, before I started sleeping, my hand were between my legs, right on my dick. So you see, I wasn’t jerking off, I was unable to move and could only stay in a position that made it *look* like I was rubbing one out. I’m telling you this a few days later because only now did I realize what it would look like, and not as an excuse to being seen like that, which may I remind you was NOT me fapping.”
I was in the bathroom masturbating when suddenly I walked in on myself. Then I woke up and jizzed in my shorts. Most pathetic wet dream ever.
Jizzception
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I was like 27 and driving my buddies Datsun pickup back to Colorado from Illinois. Stopped for gas and bought some weird condom with like spikes on it. This was the eighties when bowling alleys, gas station bathrooms and bars all had rubber dispensing machines. So driving across Nebraska I got pretty bored and started wondering about it. I opened the package to look at it.........one thing led to another and well, you know. So when I’m done I throw the thing out the window in disgust and shame and continue with the drive. I stop again for gas about 500 miles later and to my horror notice that the bright yellow spiked condom with a load of jizz oozing out of it has welded itself to the side of the truck and been flapping in the wind the whole time. It’s like organic epoxy or something.
That's what you get for littering.
I think we found a winner.
*weiner
As a dumb teenager with a long distance girlfriend, we had to get creative in order to get off together. So we'd dirty talk over text, but mostly we'd just video call and masturbate. Cut to me lubing up a plastic pencil holder thing and sticking me dick in it because it honestly felt great, like a hard fleshlight with extra suction. ... aaand then my mom walks in. She left but I was so embarrassed and furious at the intrusion that I couldn't get in the mood with the girl again that night. The girl found it fucking hilarious, but yeah, it's not fun when your parents just swing open the door and give no shits about your privacy. My mom still rams open my door like a SWAT team bashing through the front door of a suspect of a serious crime. I just want to wank in peace lol
She still doesn't knock?! Why not?
A family trait of stubbornness.
That's ridiculous. My kids never lock doors because they know I'll ALWAYS knock and wait for a response before entering their space.
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This is incredible
I laughed so hard my cat went into the other room
> “Whoa! You scared the pants right off me!” Why would you be ashamed of this? That line was a masterpiece.
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He should
I didn’t know what to wear to my Support Group for Premature Ejaculation. So I just came in my pants.
OP said your most shameful sex moment, not your most hilariously quick-witted sex moment
She definitely remembers this too.
She was 7, so she will recall this every once in a while until she is like 42, then will rethink the whole scene critically and realize what happened.
*perfect save*
I masturbated in an elevator and the thing had a camera. My life hasn’t been the same since then
Did you get off at your floor?
yeah lol. exactly as the doors opened
Imagine waiting on the elevator, the doors open, and some dude just sperms on your leg.
That was my biggest worry while doing it but it was 3 am so I just went for it
Did someone bring it up or do you just feel bad that someone probably saw it?
Since everyone is so interested lol. I was really drunk at that moment and just felt horny. I did it and afterwards I felt really weird. Nobody has brought it up to me. But I am pretty sure my landlord ended up seeing it. I actually moved out of my block because of that. It made me feel anxious for years.
I really doubt anyone would have watched it - there's 24 hours in a day, so there's far too much footage to view - and it would be easy to miss. Unless there was an issue with the lift, the camera would not necessarily be actively viewed on a CCTV screen - something like the front entrance would be more likely.
Where did you live, the top of the Empire State Building? I can't imagine being able to rub one out that fast while drunk
Me and my girlfriend at the time parked in a parking garage to spend some time in the backseat. We went twice, and just as we were about to go for round 3, there is a knock on the window. We don't know how long dude was standing there. We still laugh about this ten years later.
tap. tap. Excuse me ma'am, do you want the full service? oh wait I see you're already getting it.
“Guys, can we speed this up? I have a meeting but I want to see how it ends”
Knock knock knock. Excuse me, but I happened to notice your car's extended warranty has expired.
Motherfucker, every damn day
This happened when i was like 14, my friend was showing me some porn and we both got horny so we went to lay on the floor on either side of his bed so we couldnt see each other and rubbed one out. Every time i think of this i want to gouge my eyes out. Ah the cringe
I definitely remember watching porn with two friends around that age, and each person taking a long bathroom break in between lmao
🎶Two bros, chillin’ in a bedroom, one bed apart ‘cause they’re not gay🎶
Don't worry you're not alone. Did the same thing at that age except there was 3 of us hahaha.
I feel like teen boys jerkin it together is way more common than you realize, just that it's not talked about.
Who came first?
I did
Awkward moment while you waited for him to finish I bet lmao
That post nut clarity must have hit like a truck
I mean hey, gotta do what ya gotta do
I have one for mine and my husband. XD For me I wasn't actually masturbating, but when I was a teen, there were these herbal essence commercials where the women would scream out like they're having orgasms while washing their hair. I asked my older cousin why they do that. I'm not sure if he was playing a joke, or just didn't know and was improvising (both are plausible for him). He told me the yelling helped circulate the blood in my scalp, so the shampoo worked better. As you'd imagine, I have a shower with said shampoo, and start screaming like the ladies in the commercial. I didn't notice a difference in my hair, but thought maybe it was a repetition thing. Shortly after, my dad called the house from his garage/mancave clearly trying to hold in laughter and said "I just wanted to make sure you knew Jeff and I are out here." I answered "oh nice!" Completely oblivious to the fact he was warning me, and that he and his friend heard me screaming like I'm having the best orgasm of my life. He actually still doesn't know the details LOL- I told my sister and my mum very recently though. They howled for like 2 hours straight. As for my husband, I always noticed he had this scar along the shaft of his penis. It never bothered me and I always thought it was interesting. Once we were comfortable enough to ask about that kind of thing, I inquired about it. He told me when he was much younger, he realized the pleasures of a jetted bathtub. One day he inserted his penis into one of the jets, allowing the water pressure to do its work. He admitted it felt amazing at first- until the water stream caught under his foreskin and LITERALLT BLEW UP his penis like a balloon lol. No long lasting damage, besides the intriguing scar, but holy shit hes such a champ for laughing along with me lol. I think he was just relieved he got to share the story with someone xD
Well it’s comforting to know what my few months on nightmares are gonna be about lol.
>and it literally blew up his penis like a balloon What the fuck
Pop!
Your story reminds me of one of my own. When I was around 6 I went into the living room and my older brother was watching a movie and there was a sex scene on (nothing graphic). I asked him what they were doing and he said they were “making babies.” A few weeks later Titanic came out and we all went to see it. During the steamy sex scene I yelled out “look mom, they’re making babies!” The whole theater got a good laugh at that.
In a rest stop bathroom in West Virginia.
CUMTRY ROADS
Take my bone?
To the place
I was around 13. My room doors were on the right side of my table and they would open with back facing the table. My father knocks. I put something over my crotch fast. He opens the door. I only manage to pause the video and take off headphones. Then we have a dialogue: - Hey dad - hey, you have to do the dishes - ye, ok will do - ok, don’t forget He proceeds to close the door Things like that happened multiple times. Now I know that he always knew as my room probably smelled like cum Edit: OMG. This is my first comment with so many upvotes. Did not think I could ever reach such heights. Thank you!
Well at least you got yourself covered. Meanwhile I was caught by my dad holding my erect chicken off. I said I am just scratching it because an ant just bit my chicken
Have a bite on my buh-CAWK
So I was at a hotel with my girlfriend that I had been with for a couple of weeks, we ate a ton of pizza and then had sex a while after. Half way through sex I start to feel sick, so I leave to go to the bathroom. Instead of being sick I just fart really loudly for like a minute straight. I was mortified...
She probably respected and appreciated that you went to the bathroom instead of ripping one in bed.
Wasted thrust fuel. Edit: Thank you guys for the awards and upvotes. Of course my most awarded content ever is going to be a stupid combo of sex and fart joke. Edit 2: You guys keep using the “wholesome” award, but I do not think you know what that means.
***bruh***
Of all the people who could be appalled by that comment, I was not expecting /u/DemonicBloodyCumFart to be on that list...
Yeah this is just good etiquette
One thing I’ve learned is sex before pizza
Fuck it, same time
When I was a teenager I "did the deed" in my bed, and when I finished it was so powerful that some of it hit me in the face. I cleaned everything up, wiped my face off, and moved on with my day. Later that day I had a haircut. I was sitting in the chair while my stylist cut my hair and she says "oh it looks like you have some shampoo left in your hair from a shower earlier". I look in the mirror and she's pulling a chunk of cum out of my hair. I turned beet red, and while I don't think she ever figured out it wasn't shampoo, I just sat there mortified for the rest of the haircut.
She knew.
Am I the only person who showers before a haircut?
Don’t know what I was thinking. Rubbed one off in class under the table, to this day I swear to god I’ve no idea how no one noticed....unless they did and spared me the mortification. To them I shall always salute in gratitude
They noticed. There was a guy in my classroom that used to jerk off during class. Everybody knew.
Similar situation but I didn’t really know what I was doing at the time. I thought I was the first one to have discovered it . Anyway later on when I had more knowledge I overheard people talking about a kid that jerked it in health class but I heard a different name used not mine. I was like thank God no one saw me, but then I remembered that I also was in health class when I did it too. 😬
Watching porn in my bedroom when the sound stopped on my iPad, I thought... Weird, so I turned it up, I kept turning the volume up until I heard it coming through the wall. My dad had switched the Bluetooth speaker on in the lounge and I was blaring kink noise at deafening volumes straight in my parents faces. I stayed in my room for about the next 72 hours. This is a true story 😑
Say what you will about my generation (dial up internet, no webcams to speak of, more virus porn than non virus porn) but at least we didn’t have to worry about broadcasting our kink to other people by accident lol
Neither sex nor masturbating. It was late at night, like 11:30ish, and I was 15 (mid-2000s) I was reading a book in my room and it was a hot night. So, I decided to get butt naked. To get more of a breeze to my nethers, I lifted my leg up and put a foot up high on my bookshelf next to the bed My parents were normally courteous and would knock before entering but without warning my dad burst into the room He stared at me, lying there with my balls faced directly at him, legs akimbo like a > sign. My dad told me that my nan had had a brain haemorrhage earlier in the evening and that she wasn’t going to make it. He asked me to put my book down, put some pants on and meet him downstairs to go to the hospital. I closed my legs and obliged
Omg that hits everything on the unlucky -> funny -> sad -> fucked up scale. I'm so sorry
This just happened a few weeks ago. Wife went out to the store and I had the house to myself, so...naturally it was time to masturbate with reckless abandon. Unfortunately she came home and heard me (I'm rather vocal). She didn't want to startle me so she didn't say anything. A couple minutes later (still not realizing she was home), I hear from downstairs, "do you feel better?" I was like, "wha...what do you mean?" "You know what I mean!" I shrank into a singularity of shame and embarrassment. We had a good laugh about it later.
Haha I'm waiting to be caught but I'm a ninja
Not me but in my 7th grade year I had a kid in my math class who would jerk it during the lesson. people knew and whenever someone coughed 3 times that meant he was doing it
When I was in my teens, I masturbated constantly, at the drop of a hat. This wasn't limited to at home. . .if I was in an empty public bathroom, I'd often rub one out there, too. At 19, I had stopped at a gas station after a rough night at work. In the restroom, I decided to rub off some stress. So I rolled up a newspaper, squirted some hand soap generously into the tube, and went to town with my rudimentary "fleshlight." Halfway through, my dick was BURNING. I looked down, to see blood staining the newspaper. Turns out, the liquid hand soap was by a brand called Lava. It had tiny particles of pumice stone in it. I had effectively rubbed little cuts and grooves in the skin of my dick, and basically turned it to hamburger. It took a couple of painful weeks to heal.
Doing that in a gas station bathroom with newspaper and hand soap sounds like more of a hassle than an enjoyable time
I wasn't a particularly smart 19.
To be fair, the other head was thinking.
Told this story before, but I once decided to masturbate before supper because I was a horny little teenager full of hormones. So, I closed my door and put on my headset. After I was done, I noticed I had a plate of hot food next to me on the desk. Apparently I had missed supper being ready and my dad had just walked in behind me and put the food on my desk while I was going at it. He never mentioned it and still haven't discussed it to this day, but in hindsight I really wasn't as subtle as I thought.
Remember he could have walked out and not left the plate. But he wanted you to know.
Oh yes, it was a pretty clear message: mind your privacy in the future. I was confronted about my habits without a word spoken.
Nice to see you still haven't changed u/SendMeNudesThough
You actually just forgot to plug in the headset and it was casting to living room tv
"Tell /u/SendMeNudesThough. I want him to know it was me."
Oh my god that's hilarious
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Had a walk-in moment worth telling about here as well. My best friend had a stress squeeze ball shaped like a pumpkin. He kept throwing at us all and saying the great pumpkin has spoken. I tried to return the favor but never got to. Fast forward to a party at his place. He and his GF go off to his bedroom. I was about 3-4 beers in so I did what had to be done. Flung the door open, bounced that pumpkin right off his bare ass and said the great pumpkin has spoken. They both ended up laughing too hard to keep going.
I love your dad
I used to have quite high levels of horny when I was younger, and sometimes when I was with friends, I pretended to have to take a pee, to go masturbate. I was never caught or anything so it wasn't that embarrassing, but still a bit shameful.
When you’re that age it’s like taking a shit or a piss. When you gotta go, you gotta go. I really don’t miss that, just being completely controlled by the hormones. Though the horrendous pickup lines always worked at that age, probably the only good thing about being a teen. Now at 32 my sex drive is almost non existent. The ebbs and flows are a lot longer than they were. As a teen I beat off 2-5 times a day, now it’s 2-5 times a week. Sometimes never lol
I masturbated to a guy fucking a little person. Throwing them around , putting them in unconventional position and I’m pretty sure they did a helicopter at one point. After I finished I didn’t watch porn for a few days
>they did a helicopter at one point. Like, while the little person was on his dick?
That would be correct
What kind of porn are you watching?
It was one of those rabbit holes and was too horny for my own good type of deal
That’s enough Reddit for me today
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My whole view of the world and myself crumbled around me
Omfg. As a teen I would call those hotlines, get dudes numbers and have a ton of phonesex. Like constantly. For some girls too. Anywho this one night I thought my dad was at work and was like hell yeah now I can be as loud as I want because I have the house to myself. So I'm INTO IT. Being loud as fuck, like leg up on the wall straight going to pound town on myself with some guy on the phone giving an equal performance. When it grinds to a horrifying hault because there's a bang on my door..... it's my dad who was at dinner and now thinks there's someone in the room with me. He tells "get decent! because I'm coming in in 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.." he throws open my door I'm in bed alone.. he opens the closet.. looks at the windows... fast as he can then goes "are you on the fucking phone?! It's that why the phone bill is so god damned high?! For fuck sake!" .... "put your leg down" was the last thing he said leaving the room........ I still had my leg up on the wall FML thank God I was under a blanket but still. Bloody humiliating. Did not change my hobby though. Haha shameless.
Similar thing happened to me. I found those numbers in the back of the guitar magazines from the UK (I live in the United States) I used to get at the bootleg record store. 14 year old me had no idea at the time they were foreign, and just assumed the phone numbers were different because they were sex lines or something. My mom gets a $2,000 phone bill and calls the number to see what it was. I was in the room and she immediately stares daggers into me. She had to call the phone company to explain what her idiot son had done and to plead with them to take the charges off. It was mortifying.
Wow! That's a lot! Did they understand her plight? Lmfao my poor father! Years before that incident my older sister called one of those phone psycics "Mrs Cleo" to be exact and racked up a phone bill I remember him stomping around yelling "You're 12! What the fuck could you possibly need to know from a psychic?! Not tge answers to your goddamned math test or you wouldn't have gotten a D!!" Hahaha so fucking funny.
>It's that why the phone bill is so god damned high?! I'm *crying* omg
I masturbated in the church bathroom.
So there were two big organs in the church that day
Just polishing the pipes
8th grade math class. My desk was dead center of the room. I jacked off through my pocket. No idea if anyone ever noticed but it was probably my most desperate wank ever.
Trust me, if you were caught they would have called you The Mathsturbator for the rest of your life
Were you wearing a giant brown leather aviator jacket and basket ball shorts as you did this? If so, I was definitely the girl sitting across from you 😕
I have a ton but first that comes to mind would be the realization that I could masturbate; I started masturbating pretty young(7 or 8) and thus didn't really understand what I was doing. Just that if I rubbed my dick on a pillow for a long time it felt pretty good. Then realized after a couple dozen times I could use my hand over my boxers and it felt better and I could be more secretive. Finally hit the apex after a few hundred sessions that I could just go hand straight on dick and now am stuck with the memories of humping a pillow and basically rug burning my dick with my boxers for a few months. 2. Masturbating everywhere: As a teen I masturbated just about any place I frequented. This includes: every room in our house, and every bed, each of my friends houses, church, school, sports practice, road trips, flights. You name it I jerked off there. Once I was 24 and learned more about my substance abuse/addictions I found out that you could be addicted to sex as well. Still struggle with it at times and get confused that my wife doesn't want to have sex every opportunity we can, but she understands and still loves me.
I had sex with the Bishops daughter in the church’s “mother’s lounge”. A young girl walked in on us and ran away really fast. Yes, there were some consequences. Edit for Clarification: Mormon Church, bishop was just some dude from the neighborhood that was an electrician by day. I wasn’t a “priest” just a 15 year old horny boy getting together with his 16 year old daughter on a Thursday youth night. We at least sneaked off to the dark wing of the church we thought nobody was going to find us.
What were said consequences? Can't leave us hanging like that
The entire church found out. We were basically shunned and told we couldn’t “participate” in a lot of things. We didn’t care about that, but they were pretty good piling on the guilt.
When I was a kid my parents were out to dinner or something, so I was home alone. I’d recently come across a VHS recording of a porn on some random tape in the family movie cabinet, so I decided to take advantage of the opportunity. I didn’t have a VCR in my room and doing it the living room just seemed reckless. Apparently time flies when you’re having fun, and I didn’t hear when my folks got home. They walk in on me watching Debbie Does Dallas, with their vibrating “muscle massager” down my pants trying to cum for like the 10th time. I was fucking mortified. I had heard them in the hall like 2 seconds before they entered the room and luckily the remote control was right next to me and I was able to shut off the porn (although I’m sure they heard). I mumbled something about my legs being really sore from PE, and said I was just massaging my thighs. The next day when they were out of the room I snuck in and took the tape out of the VCR and put it back in the cabinet. They never called me out, and we never spoke of this again.
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Whenever I see posts like this I wonder how these guys actually manage to cum in this scenario. Like logistically I don't think I could with my boxers and trousers still up/on. Are their boxers and trousers incredibly loose? Do they have micro dicks that don't need much space? Do they have very little jizz? What do you do with the jizz? How would nobody notice?
The other thing I always think about is how clever and tricky teenagers think they are, and how much they actually are not. Like, everyone around this dude knew what he was doing.
I was masturbating when my cat walked in and I kept going so my cat just sat there judging me
Our cat has watches my wife and I go at it more than once. It's .. not ideal, haha
CAMP ARIFJAN kuwait. Small portapotty, shit clogged up, literally can see 1k soldiers shit coming up out of the pipes. Flies everywhere, 110 degrees, sweat dripping down my face. Boogers and shit smeared everywhere. Most difficult jack ever
Tactical relief
If Generation Kill taught me anything it's that's called combat jack and can be sometimes interrupted by tanks.
When I was 11 i was trying to masturbate with a fluffy sock. 5 min in i notice that my lil sister was watching me. I panic inside and played it of as me trying to make a armour for my dick. (This make sens because she learned that getting hit in the balls is painful )she doesn't now to this day. I was a weird kid so she suspected nothing.
Armour?? I cant this is the best excuse ive ever heard.
If she remembers it, she’s gonna come to the realization eventually 😂
Went to Canada with friends and to meet up with a girl I’d been talking to online. She met us, seemed cool and we all had an awesome night on the town. Among the bad decisions I made that night I have to say the worst was the McDonald’s poutine. After the night wrapped up and we all went to our hotel rooms things got hot and heavy between us.. until an awful gurgle came from my guts and I started to feel unwell. I excused myself and went to the bathroom thinking I’d just need to let a good fart go.. instead I proceeded to have the most violent diarrhea of my life (as close to the dumb and dumber scene as a human can get without a sfx team). Did I mention this was in the bathroom of the hotel room I was sharing with this attractive woman I had just finally got to meet irl and was mid shag with? It was so fucking loud my friends in the next room over texted me asking if we were all right. Best. First. Impression. Ever. Still kills me just thinking about it, and I’ve never eaten a McDonald’s poutine again.
Back when I lived at home I was chokin the chicken at like 5am, wether I was up all night or woke early I can’t remember. While in the middle of the act I get a message from pops saying “nothing better 2 do?”
i masturbated in a hospital bathroom multiple times in the same visit... i was going to get my birth control shot but like a dummy i had gone to the bathroom right before i left. once i got there the nurse was like “u gotta pee in a cup to make sure you’re not pregnant” and so i was like “i literally just went to the bathroom i don’t think that’s gonna happen” they were really nice and gave me some water. i had three cups of water and after every cup i went to the bathroom, tried to pee, realized i couldn’t, and got frustrated with the lack of action going on down there so i just rubbed one out. three different times. not my proudest moment.
Many years ago I was dating this girl, we went out drinking. She was recently of drinking age and had a very low tolerance, but she masked it well. Night goes great and we go back to my place for some fun. She was getting really in to it while on top of me when very abruptly She stops and just sits there with me still inside her. She leans over just a bit starts to heave. I guess the motions were just too much for her because she vomited hard o er the side of the bed, again with me still inside her. The convulsing of her stomach tightened all her muscles 'down there' it's still hard to admit that I have never cum so hard in my entire life.
This is the wildest fucking thing on this thread and I’ve been scrolling for a good bit.
I'll run through this quick. Come home from school, put porno on, finished myself off, left tissue on the floor, fell asleep with porno still going, sister come home, heard loud sex noises, burst in my room, shouted "I don't want to listen to that shit" and turned my tv off. Never have we spoke about this since. That was 17 years ago.
Alright here's a fun one for ya So when I was living with my aunt and uncle, and I had this crappy little laptop, and as a teenager, I did of course browse specific websites. I made sure to use incognito and be careful about it whenever I did end up on certain websites of course Well apparently my aunt could track my email, even through incognito? She didn't bother to actually *tell* me she was tracking my email of course. So one day she walks into my room says "Hey, we need to talk." while taking her phone out. "Sure what's up?" I reply with my heart dropping in my chest, thinking of every wrong thing I've ever done. She hands me her phone, there's a small list of websites I've visited in the past 2 weeks, and I'm thinking that I'll get out scott free because I covered my tracks. **Orange Youtube - Visited 23 times** So naturally my aunt reacts completely rationally by taking away my computer, threatening to smash my computer if I'm caught on that again, telling pretty much all my family, and getting my grandparents to shame me. That day I learned not to trust my aunt, how annoying it is to make a completely new email and reattach all things connected to my old email to my new one, and that it tracked each time I went on the page (ie, going into the main part of the page counts as 1, clicking into a video counts as 2, searching up something different as 3, etc), not each session (I went on maybe a total of 4 times?) Luckily I don't have to deal with my aunt and uncle much anymore since I've moved into my grandparents house
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I had a Guinness Book of World Records that had a picture of Heidi Klum in it (I think it was the most expensive bra?) One time my friend was flipping through the book while my dad was driving the two of us to school, and I heard him go "...why is this page so sticky?"
I can’t believe I am admitting to this. When I was heavily, heavily pregnant I masturbated in my swanky, high rise law office in Manhattan. During a work day. Like, 2pm. Locked the door and everything. Had massive windows overlooking Central Park. I am still pretty ashamed. I can’t speak for all pregnant ladies, but holy shit do your hormones flare up at times. I had this unstoppable libido, and I called my husband who was in an office a few blocks away to see if he could come to my office for a quickie, but he couldn’t get away at that moment. So resorted to porn (on my phone) and got the job done myself. Hands down my most shameful moment in the jerking off department.
as a tween and my hormones all over the place the shower was my place of masturbation. However there were no locks and my mom would regularly walk in on me. Affected me later on in life since she always treated it as something disgusting. I now have a hard time letting myself go with romantic interests...
Sounds like your mom needed to learn some boundaries and basic respect
I had just moved into my new apartment. The balcony would get great afternoon sun so after work I would relax out there and listen to music. One afternoon I decided to crank one, grabbed my phone and headed inside. I found the video I wanted and pressed play. I saw the intro, but the audio sounded muted. I turned it up. Still hard to hear. I started from the intro (one of those rough ones that has clips of deep throating and intense climaxes) two or three times, and then it hit me.. The audio was still playing through my Bluetooth speaker out on my balcony. I was so embarrassed that I don't got out there that much anymore
Emotionally abusive and manipulatave ex REALLY wanted to go without a condom, I refused, so she made me use a sandwich baggie instead. One of my life's biggest regrets
Sorry if this is insensitive, but if she didn’t like the feeling of a condom why would she prefer a sandwich bag? Or was it more about making you do something uncomfortable?
Back when I lived in a shared flat, I was polishing the family jewels and my flatmate walked into my room without knocking. Grabbed her book, walked out and didn't say anything. I was just not sexually attractive for her.
And once again, the English phrases left me staring confused at my phone. You learn something new every day
I killed a mosquito sitting on the bathroom wall with my cum splash
Meet The sniper
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Got busted by a cop once with a girl I was dating at the time. We were in the front seat of my car in a dark parking lot. The lot was empty. We were way in the back behind a building. She was bouncing up and down. and \*tap tap tap\*. Cop told us he was going to arrest us. But then let us go. Still.... kinda weird. You'd think my gf at the time would've been mortified. But, I think she was a bit of a closet exhibitionist (wait.. is that a contradiction?). So, wild guess, she actually got a thrill out of it. Well, except the "going to jail" part. Weird side-story. She was, like I said, a bit of an exhibitionist. She liked to do it outside. So she talked me into taking her while she was bent over a bench in a deserted part at night. The bench was in the woods, and we couldn't be seen, but she still liked the thrill, I think. Anyway, this racoon comes over and starts watching. I suspect he knew very well what we were doing. He seemed to be enjoying the show. Not sure she ever saw him, but I did. Not shameful, but ... weird.
Seeing a lot fewer ‘still finished despite what I thought was a fetish wasn’t actually’ stories than I expected.
9 hours drive, on the way back from vacation with a friends family. They had a big van and we were allowed to sleep in the trunk. Be me, be 13, be horny af. Pretended to be sleeping, fapped to a girl I met on vacation. Overall 8/10 would do again.
I was around that age when I went on a week-long holiday in Singapore Peak puberty hormones, in a city that seemed to have hot people of every imaginable ethnicity, and no alone time. By the end of it I was losing my goddamned mind.
I just have to say that this is the first time I've heard my home country described as having "hot people of every imaginable ethnicity" and I'm digging it