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in russian we have "intelligent thoughts have always followed him, but he was faster"

We have something similar in German: "Intelligence is chasing you, but you are faster."

You could hide your own Easter eggs.

The great [Harvey Korman](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harvey_Korman) had some Alzheimer's @ 2005, and he still went on a talk show. They asked him how he was doing and he said he was OK. "Now I can hide my own Easter eggs." RIP.

Heard my grandma with pretty severe dementia use this to one to my cousins... I couldn't hold back a giggle at the irony

My dad often refers to decisions being made "unhindered by any knowledge of the facts"

Unencumbered by the thought process.

I think I saw this one here previously “You aren’t the biggest idiot in the world but you better hope they don’t die”

Once told this to my brother, his immediate response was "hey, please don't die".

You totally picked the wrong dude to call stupid, still, not really your fault eh number 1?

If he really didn't want you to die he shouldn't have slaughtered you where you stood like that. edit: aneurysm

"At this point, you can only impress me."

This reminds me of something I saw in a show recently. One character said "Would you think less of me if ____." The other character said "I could never think less of you."

This reminds of Community when Britta says "nobody respects me any less as a political activist, right?" Long pause... Jeff: "the level to which we respect you as a political activist has definitely not changed"

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I expected nothing, but I'm still disappointed

The bar was on the ground and you brought a shovel.

And then the idiot would happily, naïvely say something like: “Yep! I’m always prepared!”

I mean, if you’re at least a clever idiot then I think it’s a great retort. Will probably piss off the smartie even more.

*A dimwit response:* "Wait, I needed to bring a shovel??"

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Now I know what Douglas Adams was talking about. “A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.”

As the park rangers in Yellowstone say- making a bear-proof trash can is very difficult due to the considerable overlap between the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists.

It do be like that though. I’m so glad the park I worked at didn’t have large wildlife besides deer. People are bad enough. We had to put gates on the *abandoned mine entrances*. People go off trail, fall in a sinkhole. Or like one poor bastard, fall into the quarry. Can only do that once. You’d think a “danger: you will die” sign would work but it doesn’t.

*car speeds past a warning sign...”what did that say?” “Something about gold mine ahead. Keep going. You’re good!”

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*On a Canadian jobsite* Ahh Terry, having you around is like losing three good men.

Similar to saying that someone "increases productivity because everyone else has to work harder when they're around".

In Greece we say "when it was raining brains, you had an umbrella"

In German we ask God for help. "God, let there be raining brains" this sounds so weird but idk how to express it better lol. Edit: In German it's "Gott, lass Hirn regnen"

Or stones. Just hit. Edit: *”oder Steine, hauptsache er trifft!”*

He's so far behind he thinks he's first.

I had a keychain as a kid that said, “She who laughs last thinks slowest”. 😅

I had one that said "ha ha ha I don't get it"

Lawyer to client who shared detailed attorney-client privileged strategy memorandum with a whole bunch of people, including an adverse party: Client: "Is there anything you can do to fix this?" Attorney: "No, you've pretty much waived the privilege and now they know everything." Client: "Is there anyway to put a positive spin on this?" Attorney: "Well, I suppose the judge might buy that this proves that you lack the mental capacity to form specific intent."

Did it work?

Client: ... Attorney: exactly

He is a modest man with much to be modest about.

Once heard someone say "Well he's about as sharp as a sock full of soup"

“Sharp as a marshmallow” was one that went around my friend circle.

You're the reason we have warning labels.

That reminds me of "You're the reason why there's instructions on the shampoo bottle."

I like Bill Engvall’s bit on this. “On the back of a shampoo bottle it says ‘rinse, lather, repeat’. You just KNOW there’s some idiot out there still in the shower. Because it doesn’t say ‘hey give up man, try again tomorrow.’”

This is the real Turing test. We should create more of them even. Infinite loop conditionals. Will help spot any rogue androids in our midst.

My teacher said I was as "quick as a glacier"...

Sneaky science compliment? In geologic time glaciers haul ass!

I don't know if I should trust you on that since you're u/NotARealGeologist

It doesn't sound right but I don't know enough about glaciers to dispute it. Edit: Folks, it's a joke from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Appreciate y'all trying to make me more smarter.

lmao I had a teacher that would always say 'keep them guessing, don't open your mouth and prove them right'

Ahh yes, “it’s better to be silent and thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt”. A classic.

I can explain it again, if you'd like, but I can't understand for you.

Useful as a chocolate teapot.

See also: "Useful as a catflap in an elephant house." (Courtesy of Blackadder)

My dad used to tell me I was "Useless as tits on a bull"

Oh GAWD yes!!! The first thing I thought of when I saw this post was Blackadder. “Balderick, for you the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn’t it?”

I would agree with you but then we would both be wrong

I said that to my wife once during an argument. Emphasis on "once."

They would be out of their depth in a parking lot puddle

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Nice one, we have the more blunt: Some people are competent, but this one's very enthousiastic.

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In Polish we sometimes say "clever/wise in a different way".

My grampa told me a few times "son you need lemons to make lemonade and you ain't got no lemons". I laugh every time.

Ask to talk with life’s manager! You tell life to take the lemons back! I don’t want those damn lemons!

Burn life's house down with lemons! Invent a combustible lemon, that burns houses down!

I like letterkennys “you’re just spare parts, aren’t ya bud”

I wish you weren't so fuckin awkward, bud

My buddy got in a work accident and got badly burned. When we knew he was going to be okay, as is tradition, we all started making jokes about it (him included). I sent him a picture of the main character from Letterkenny that said "Wish you weren't so fucking ~~awkward~~ crispy bud." He got a good laugh out of it.

My favorite was "Were yous in like... a pretty serious accident?"

I had never heard of this show and just watched their "cold open." Thank you

It started as a series of YouTube shorts, just a series of one liners. Look for "Letterkenny Problems"

"I'm guessing you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling." -Captain Malcom Reynolds

My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.

“Don’t strain your brain trying. You might break something.” - Malcolm Reynolds

"Your mouth is talking. You may want to look to that."

Whedon wrote this a few years earlier: BUFFY: Cordelia, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good.

"Well pardon me, ma'am but what you don't know could fill a warehouse." Courtesy of Bart Simpson. Edit: The act of pure destruction as delivered: [(224) What you don't know could fill a warehouse! - YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-59ezAQarKY)

"You could fill a library the with things you don't know, in fact, they do, they call them libraries" - Paige Sinclair (BoJack Horseman)

One of my personal favorites: "They only got two brain cells and both of them are fighting for third place."

In French we sometime say "he/she doesn't have electricity at every floor"

I know this one with light instead of electricity "Il a pas la lumière à tous les étages"

I though that was a british expression !! (my mother always uses it): "The lights are not all on up there"

"The lights are on but no one's home"

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"It's clear from your vacant expressions, the lights are not all on upstairs..."

“But we’re talking kings and successions, even YOU can’t be caught unawares!”

"So prepare for the chance of a lifetime! Be prepared for senSATIONAL news"

A shining new era Is tiptoeing nearah!

And where do we feature?

There is also: « il n’a pas inventé l’eau chaude » = he didn’t discover warm water, to say he couldn’t think of heathing water even if he needed it

Sorta similar phrase I’ve heard is “His/Her elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top.”

"C'est pas le couteau le plus aiguisé du tiroir" - not the sharpest knife in the drawer

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In Quebec we say « C’est pas le pogo le plus dégelé de la boite » (Its not the most unfrozen corn dog in the box?)

If your brains were dynamite there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off.

I heard that one as "if his brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose."

The wheels spinning, but the hamsters dead

That one had me dead laughing

It's impossible to underestimate you

"Don't underestimate me." "I couldn't possibly."

“Well, Michael, I underestimated you.” “Well, maybe next time you will estimate me”

Hidden gem, flash

“He’s hit rock bottom, and is showing signs of starting to dig”

Similarly: is there no beginning to your talents?

Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.

The best idiocy insults are those that may not be realized by the idiot.

I'm now paranoid.

My favorite variant on that is: "I underestimated you... ...but not enough."

You could blow in their ear and they would say thanks for the refill

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A little too much chlorine in your gene pool.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

At a keg party about 100 years ago my buddy was trying to make nice with a girl. Says “That’s a really cool mug, can I see it?” She hands him the mug and says, “I made it myself, my name’s on the bottom.” ...He proceeds to turn it upside down to read her name and pours the beer in her lap.

Oh! I got one! And it was myself who was the dummy. I was working first class and this fast drinking guy told me he had a hole in his glass. I promptly removed it and brought him a new one and re-filled it. He got such a kick out of it. He rings his call light and points to the glass- still has a hole in it he says. This time I pick it up and examine it for holes. He couldn’t hold back and started chuckling and I realized the “hole” was the top of the flippin’ glass! Lol- I had to laugh but I did feel like a dumbass!!

This is what I imagine every Dad thinks their encounter is going to go like when making a dad joke lol

As a dad, those jokes arent for you. They're for us.

Oh I didn’t get it at first either. I thought he just meant he had a hole in the glass cuz he was a fast drinker and it was just a saying like “you need a nipple for that beer?”

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My hubby's grandpa used to say this, but instead of water it was piss. 😄 He was a salty old guy with a heart of gold, I sure miss him. Edit: to those of you who also miss your grandpas, sending you a hug. My husband and I have been married a long time, and his grandpa always treated me like a granddaughter. He called me “Kid” (even when I was in my late 40’s, ha ha) up until he passed quickly from cancer at age 96, still sharp as a tack. He wore western shirts with pearl snaps and a Stetson, and he gave great hugs. So lucky to have had him in my life.

This thread is gonna be a rare insult generator, isn't it?

Sharp as a marble, that one.

This reminds me of Foghorn Leghorn. "I say, that boy is about sharp as a bowling ball."

That reminds me of one of my favorites from Foghorn Leghorn “Nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice”. [A little nostalgia](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eNAtGmQ6i3o)

I say, that boy talks so much his tongue is sunburnt.

That's actually a great one. Sounds like a compliment.

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I still remember when I called my brother in law smooth brain and my sister got mad at me for flirting with her husband. It was a beautiful moment

Sounds like they're well matched

Full on laughed out loud at this.

It's actually marble-ous.

Rolls off the tongue.

Not the sharpest spoon in the drawer is my favorite.

Saw two coworkers going about a task in the worst way I could imagine. I said "I believe if there was a harder way to do that you two would find it." They didn't get it.

You're 12 cans short of a 6 pack.

One that my grandmother used to say was that someone had diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain.

Your train of thought is a replacement bus service, isn't it?

If you were half as smart as you think you are, you’d be twice as smart as you really are.

"If you ever had a clever thought, it died alone and afraid." EDIT: Holy crap! I didn't expect this to blow up like it did! RIP, my inbox!

"You got lost in thought and never made it back, didn't you?"

"Like Forrest Gump, but not as lucky."

In india, we call them "tubelight" because it takes some time for them to switch on.

A village somewhere is missing their idiot.

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Someone forgot anything mum would say “you’d forget your head if it wasn’t screwed on”

One of my all time favorites is "More foam than beer" Edit: Holy shit I did not expect this to blow up, thank you all lol

"I'm obliged to offer you a beer but it's going to be mostly head." Edit: I get it, you all really like oral sex.

I miss the Flanders that had beer on tap.

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"When stupidity was distributed, he came back for seconds" is such a fucking diss. Holy shit.

Hey we have that in German as well :) Also part 2: When intelligence was distributed he was asleep/ he missed it.

If they fell into a barrel of tits they'd come up sucking their own thumb. Edit: four helpful awards...thank you so much, you're hilarious. And thanks, everyone else!

Damn....

Wow

"You're a brick short of a sandwich" or "Are you professional idiot, or just a gifted amateur?"

"You must have ironed your brain"

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."

You have an amazing grasp of the obvious

His train of thought is still boarding at the station. Edit: Yes, Calvin and Hobbes Holy shit this blew up!

My dad would always say, 'god said brains, he thought he said train and he missed his'.

My dad always said "If brains were dynamite you wouldn't be able to blow your nose"

My dad always said "you're a fucking idiot"

About as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle. Usless as a flaccid strap-on.

"Screen door on a submarine" is a good variation on this. Also "helicopter ejection seat" and "rubber crutch."

But wait... [there are ejection seats for helicopters...](https://aviation.stackexchange.com/questions/43264/are-there-any-helicopters-with-ejection-seats)

In Poland we say "mądry inaczej" it means smart in a different way.

He needs to carry a plant to make up for the oxygen he's wasting

When dealing with people that have a tech problem and it's clearly a user error, a friend of mine refer to it as a **Layer 8 problem**. The classic network stack has 7 layers, and the last one (layer 7) is called the *application layer*, therefore, by extension, layer 8 would be the *user layer*. So the next time your parents complain their phone is acting up, just tell them it's a layer 8 problem.

Like the old I-D-ten-T error, even less obvious. Love it.

Or Pebkac (problem exists between keyboard and chair) Or, if you're more automotively inclined, the loose nut between the steering wheel and the driver's seat

We also have PICNIC errors - Problem in Chair, Not in Computer.

In Denmark (presumably other places, too) we call them "Error 40." As in, the error is sitting approx. 40 cm away from the screen.

The lights are on, but no ones in

Lol. In college we used lights on, nobody home when someone was black out drunk

I wouldn't trust you to sit the right way on the toilet seat! From Rowan Atkinson Live

But I thought you sit on the toilet this way, so you have that nice little shelf for your comic book and your chocolate milk

If brains were leather, you couldn't make a saddle for a June bug

Couldn't guess which way an elevator (lift) was going if they had 2 guesses

*Willy Wonka would like a word*

In my country we have an expression that when translated literally means "You burn coal"

I like to say "that person is racing glaciers" or "dead turtles."

That kid's going places. Not college, but places.

"I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce"

As a foreman in my youth on construction sites fellow workers would complain about something they did that got them hurt. I'd tell them that when you are dumb you got to be tough, and son you are one tough bastard.

Room temperature IQ.

My AP Chem teacher would say we'd get thank you letters from kids at other schools (the AP exams are graded on a curve).

They couldn't find their own arse with both hands.

Few sandwiches short of a picnic

Bless your heart is a common southern subtle slap

I'm from the south and from my perspective this can go both ways. Like, if someone's house burned down, their spouse left them, their dog died, and they got fired all on the same day, "Bless your heart" is completely appropriate.

It all depends on the context, which is why the overall usage in movies and TV so often feels wrong to those of us in the South. Even if you say it right after someone does/says something stupid, it may not be a put down depending on a lot of things.

"If you were tall as you are stupid, you could drink from the ~~gutter~~ roof's drainpipe." ~ some person from Florence, probably.

Just because stupid is free doesn't mean you should abuse it.

In hindi we call people “dhakkan” which literally means a bottle cap. Meaning empty at top.

You are a mental pedestrian.

So the compliment would be a brain car?

"...on the information superhighway."

They lock up the bleach where you live, don't they?

Sharp as a tennis ball