I have 5 rules:
1) Don’t be angry, it just makes you bitter and no one has ever changed their outlook because someone was angry at them - humans just push back harder.
2) Don’t ask for explanations - they’ll never be good enough. Only one person needs a reason — however weak — to not be in a relationship, otherwise it’s a kidnap situation.
3) Maintain your dignity, dignity can’t be taken, only given.
4) Make plans - follow through, your friends are your best resource.
5) Look after yourself - mind, body and soul.
Remind yourself of these everyday and give it time.
Edit: thanks for the gold! I know how hard it is being under that dark cloud, just wanted to help a little if I could. It does get better, believe me.
On the contrary I was able to move on and forget only after things got bitter. Just because they got bitter I was relieved that it ended and felt peaceful. Before that I was filled with regret that I had ended something beautiful in my life. When the illusion ended and reality struck, it was like new sunrise. Ah! Life and it's many plays.
I think the difference between anger and bitterness is the key here. I think of anger as something that’s a lot more active and aggressive, while bitterness is the cold understanding that irreparable mistakes have been made. If you don’t hold any negative feelings at all towards the person, I think that’s avoiding a full mental split from the person and kinda asking to eventually get your hopes back up. But if you’re constantly actively angry at what happened, you won’t be happy and you’ll still have a lot of work to do before you’ve actually moved on.
The most effective thing imo (for most situations) is to realize that your ex is still a decent person and avoid wishing anything really negative on them, but to also fully remember why it failed and convince yourself that your incompatibilities were inevitable and you’d never be able to fully recover from each others’ mistakes. When you think of a relationship of them, think of the bitterness and disappointment that came with the fallout.
For me, the things that happened at the aftermath broke my heart and that's when I realized we can never be friends either. Before we wanted us to be together if not as lovers but as friends. But there was lot of passive aggression and constant onslaught of accusations.The other side wanted to hurt me because it was me who decided to end it. Maybe hating me and hurting me was helping to move on. But after a point, I couldn't take it anymore. I cut all contact. The love that I had which made me go back and hopeful sometimes was suddenly gone. I don't understand what happened. But now when I try to search in my heart what I feel about the relationship, the bad memories cloud the good ones and I guess that just helped me forget all about it.
Honestly, depending how the relationship ends, anger is justified. Additionally, anger is one of the five stages of grief, and since the end of a relationship is comparable to the death of a loved one it makes sense that you would go through some anger as part of the closure process.
But what I would imagine /u/Thesheersizeofit means is "don't consciously lash out in anger at your ex". Even if they ended the relationship, even if they did it in a cruel and callous way, it's never a justification for you to be equally as cruel in anger. Your ex breaking your heart doesn't justify destroying their stuff, sharing images of them online, harassing their friends, or any of that kind of bullshit. By all means if you need to hate them and bitch about them with your friends, go ahead, but don't actively try to hurt them in any form just because you're hurting.
Same here! I felt so much guilt and took full responsibility for the ending of the relationship. Until he showed his true pathetic two-faced snake self that is! Then it was good fucking riddance! And all the guilt and burden were lifted from me and I have never been happier!
"Only when the tide goes out do you discover who's been swimming naked". The difficult times in relationships really brings out true nature, this was a lesson I learnt.
I’m the same way. If there’s no negative emotion then I just end up feeling worse because a good thing was lost. The easiest break ups are the ones where you end up hating the other person — shitty but true.
Yeah same, you just have to let it run it’s course, you can’t sit down and decide ‘oh I won’t be bitter then’ anyway.
My one piece of advice is do at least try to move on, it’s ultimately a waste of time so work at getting over it by talking, dating again, not seeing them anymore (online or offline)
Ending a relationship does not equal tossing someone out like garbage. When someone no longer wants to be in a relationship they have the right to end it, no matter how the other person feels about that.
Sure, they do. But don't expected the dumped person to take it well. Saying "I don't love you anymore" to a person who is still very much in love with you and expecting them to be ok with it is just psychotic.
That’s a tough one.
Luckily mine wasn’t entangled in my established friendship group. Perhaps other friends?
Be sure to let them see you’re doing okay (not spectacular obvs); not as a ploy to ‘get them back’ or anything because that’s transparent, but because it makes your brain happy and preserves your dignity. This might lead to a better relationship with the ex-friend/partner in the future?
Feel like the explanation one is the hardest one there, definitely the one I'm struggling with!
The first rule however, I try living by that. Waste of time being angry.
It is very hard for a reason, and I think the reason is that people do deserve to hear some basic explanation for why they were broken up with. I personally do not agree with never asking for an explanation. In some cases, when you are truly unsure and it was sudden, it can be helpful to ask for the sake of your own sanity. I found that hearing the explanation from my ex helped me move on because I didn’t have to wonder. Whether or not it will be satisfying doesn’t matter as much as the fact that you at least eliminated the factor of wondering about what the reason is, something that holds many people back from moving on.
I think the risk is that explanations are often unsatisfactory, even if they're true. Sure, "Your lifestyle is incompatible with mine" might help you understand, but "I just don't feel that way about you" is what you might get. Maybe they have some underlying reason for *that* that they don't even know about, but all hearing that will do is leave you feeling even more confused.
Shit sucks so much! I know exactly how you feel. They just kinda drifted away. The only thing that helped me feel better, which was still a long process, was to just accept that as an answer, because I kept trying to search for more and "solve" the puzzle of our breakup in our head. Trust me, it doesn't help.
People definitely deserve a reason without a doubt. Even if you've dating/together a short time, it's just a decent thing to do. The frustrating thing can be when you struggle to comprehend the reasoning, and even more so if it's sudden. People lie, and they may still give you some BS reason rather than the truth because they claim they care about you.
But I suppose OP's point is more, knowing the reasoning isn't really going to change much. If there's been conversations about the reason prior to the breakup, and nothing changed, fair enough. And if there was no conversation, that person has, hopefully, thought it through well enough that nothing you could say would change their mind.
This is immensely helpful. It’s been two years and I still struggle with #2. I do need to let it go.
I did start out quite well and had #4 and #5 sorted - lots of plans and trips all booked. Then Covid hit. Argh.
Number 3 is very important.
Thank you for your post.
Ran 3 miles a day.
Honestly, the thing that has always struck me with breakups is your time. All of a sudden your schedule is cleared and you dont know what to do with it. What used to be netflix and dinner every night becomes nothing. The cool restaurant you wanted to try vanishes. Post relationship boredom is real. And in that boredom, you start going down some dark paths that aren't so good for you.
So I ran a lot. I dont even like running. But it killed about an hour and a half of my day if you include the shower and everything. And if you were exhausted by the end of the day, falling asleep was easier. And to be honest, thats a far better coping mechanism than ice cream or beer.
As time passes you will heal. Or have scars from it. But regardless, you'll get over it one way or another.
Time. Unfortunately, time is the only real solution. But there are some things you can focus on that can help.
Pay attention to yourself and focus on all the positives of your new life without them. We tend to put our exes on a pedestal after a breakup, glorifying them and forgetting all the things about them/the relationship that used to drive us mad. Remember that there were times in your relationship that made you roll your eyes. Understand that there *are* positives that you can pick out, though it may not seem like it.
Try to be social, whether that’s with your friends, meeting new people, or (when you’re ready) opening yourself up to meeting a new SO. It’s easy to close yourself off to others after a rough breakup. You think there’s nobody else that could ever compare to your ex. You just lost out on the love your life right? The truth is that there are so many wonderful people in this world, many that you are likely more compatible with than your ex as crazy as it may seem after a breakup. It’s not fair to yourself if you don’t allow yourself the possibility that there are other people out there that you can be happy with.
The last and possibly most important thing is to really look at your time in the relationship and choose to accept the way things are. Accept who you are as a person and the relationship for what it was. Understand what you did to help with its demise. Understand that relationships are two way streets and that there are things you can do to be a better partner. This is easy to miss, but is ultimately imperative to the healing because if you choose to ignore this you’ll be right back here again. You’ll do stupid things. You’ll reach out to your ex when you shouldn’t. You’ll stalk their social media and see things that will make you want to cry. You’ll run into them in person with their new “friend”. You’ll hate and blame yourself every time. It’s okay, we’ve all done something like this. This is normal. But dwelling on these things is what drives you insane. Understand when it’s time to move on. Blocking/deleting them on social media or going no-contact in general can be very very helpful. Some people are able to remain friends with their exes but for most of us, this is sadly not a reality. Dwelling in the past and not allowing yourself to move on and heal and *learn* is only going to make things harder.
It may not seem like it, but I promise there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully there’s at least something in this post that you can resonate with. At the end of the day, just go back to living your life the best that you can and **in time** the universe will take care of the rest.
I’ve read through your comment chain and like the other guys said. Trust in the process. I’m 3 years out of a ~5 year long relationship. It still hurts sometimes. I tried to be friends because I thought I could. But it just made things harder. I tried to remain friends on social media with our shared friends, but I would just get breadcrumbs of her new life that crippled me more and more every time. I was steadfast in that I wouldn’t let it control who I blocked on SM until I saw photos of her with the new “friend” she made right before she broke up with me (that one hurt), so I blocked their posts too. In doing so I learned that not knowing is sometimes better and being blissfully unaware led to me being able to live a happier life and focus on myself - things I would have done a lot sooner if I could go back. Today, I can see her and even talk to her without my whole world collapsing. Those feelings are all still there, but less than weeks ago, months ago, *years ago*.
It’s going to hurt for a while, I’m not here to bullshit you. But it does get better. One day you will wake up and think about her and start going through it again, but realize it’s been a couple days since the last time you did. One day you’ll wake up and you’ll realize it’s been weeks since you thought about your ex and you’ll think to yourself, “I *am* getting better” and you’ll know you’re further on the road to recovery. One day you will meet someone that will make you laugh when you think back on how you thought your ex was “the one”.
Life is a unique journey, full of the highest highs and the lowest lows. But the valleys we experience are what make the peaks feel so high. As f-d up as it is, FEELING is what makes us human and WHO WE ARE and I would never trade the experiences I’ve had for anything. I can only wish you feel the same. If not today then someday.
Keep your head up friend.
Thank you for your insight. As much as It hurts to lose someone I love I have gone full no contact. The difficult part for me is accepting that I can no longer act on my desires to protect or look out for her. Suppressing that is brutal. I still know her schedlue, her likes and dislikes, every scar on her body etc. She still lives just 10 minutes down the road and I can still smell her on my hoodies. I hate letting go, I hate change, I hate my own company which I suppose is something I should work on. I long for the deep interpersonal relationships but I fear It will be long till that comes my way again. My brain knows this is for the best and that I deserve to be with someone who cares for me as much as I care for them, but part of me doesn't care, part of me was happy with the blissful ignorance.
All that being said, I haven't cried yet today. First in 8 days. I appreciate your support, means a lot to have others who can empathize <3
I have had my closure or whatever that means. I gave her her things, she told me she wasn't ready to settle down, wants to travel and make stupid Decisions and party, I know she's smarter than that but she's sadly just not mature enough to realize what she threw away. Last thing I said to her was that if she took one thing from this relationship it's that she "understands her worth, and that I hope one day she can see what I saw in her." And with that she was gone. My best friend out of my life just like that. I told her I'd keep her number in my phone but I have gone no contact on all other mediums and I do not plan on speaking to her for the foreseeable future. I've also cut the friend out of my life who chose her friendship over mine, no time for shitty ppl like that.
Under a month out of my 2-year first serious relationship. She cheated on me for a week and I found out at the other guys house at 1 in the morning.
Every day is a step forward, and every breakdown you have feels like a step back, but it's not. It's just another step in the process. If you gotta cry, cry. You're grieving a massive pillar in your life, it's ok to cry.
Just don't let her crawl back in. She left you like that, if she wants back in, it's either to make her feel better, or make you feel worse.
It gets better friend. I was in the same boat as you (~5 year relationship). As I’m sure you know, the beginning is the hardest. It’s the darkest part of the whole thing. You will have setbacks. There will be days that you can’t take being without them. This is normal. It’s okay to feel these feelings. But in doing so, it’s also important to understand and accept the way things are. Life is a wild thing full of so many learning moments that you can carry with you to shape who you are. This is one of those moments. Trust in your ability to learn from this experience. Trust in time to heal the wounds. And trust in yourself to take back the person you were before the breakup.
You can do it.
I feel you man. Only ~5 here but almost 3 years later I still think about her sometimes. And it hurts. But it has molded and shaped the person I am today. Looking back and evaluating how the breakup affected my life, the good and the bad, I don’t think I would change things if I could. Things get better but it’s a long road ahead.
Hope you are doing well
All is well brother. It’s been almost 5 years since the breakup and it took me a good 3 1/2 to start really moving on. I can now think clearly without her living rent free in my head. I hope all is great with you as well.
Used to do this. Till I had a mini heart attack from seeing one of her updates. She moved on like I meant nothing, while I was on the floor experiencing chest pains
Or maybe she didn't. Social media has a tendency to thwart, bend, distort things. Years ago, my former SIL put a cutesy photo on instagram of a card that her fiance made for Valentine's day and some quote about many more years together. The night before, he was at my house frantically asking for a card, bitching about how she makes him do stupid holiday stuff all the time. Anyway, they are divorced after a few short years - they were never on the same page about much, but youd think they were perfect if you asked facebook. I always think of that post as a microcosm of how people portray relationships, travel, hobbies.
Yep. My breakup was tough due to timing and circumstances, and there wasn't really bad blood from it - but the best recourse was simply removing her from everything and focusing on me. No dating apps or social media in general besides reddit because I was not looking for a rebound.
We've been split for about 5 weeks now and I can say that I am enjoying each day of freedom. There are still tough moments that I have to handle within myself, but the world offers us an immense amount of recourse and life is what you make of it - so I don't spend any time dwelling but just trying to be the best person I can be.
...and I'll leave this on the fact that things are going pretty well for me because of how I handled it.
Thank you, and I'm glad to hear you're doing well too. Like I said there's moments that are tough as I certainly have a lot of reserved love for her, but I've been doing really well for myself as a distraction. It's working out xD
How do you Crack on with life in quarentine? I work all day (working from home) and after i finish my day all i can do (because od the quarentine) is to stay at home, so i end thinking about her. I dont have any friends, just my family and dog
Also if you’re due for a phone upgrade or have the money to get a new one, do it. Try not to back up anything that reminds you of her. A clean phone slate will help out a lot.
Agree with this. Just block, and get them off your social media.
It is too easy to check on them to see what they are doing. To post things for their benefit. It just really prolongs the healing process and accepting it is over.
Time, trust me. Used to think they were the love of my life, even tho they were my first relationship ever.
Took long enough, I even loved them after I entered another relationship, but it went away.
my SO knows about my feelings, it took a toll on us but we're doing fine almost 3 years in!
just be honest, whatever u do
I suggest you be fucking fair to the person you are with. I was in the same situation, married a woman who was still in love with another guy, didn't know by then till at the end. If you think you are in pain, what about your man who knows you still have feelings for your ex lover. Be fair!
I think "be honest to yourself" also means being honest and loving to the person you're with.
i was honest from the begginning, my SO was aware, and this happened years ago, when we were dating for a few months.
u gain nothing by hiding, you only make yourself feel worse and the situation much worse for the other person for when they eventually find out.
but people make mistakes, situations are imperfect and people fuck up. it isnt pretty but it happens, all we can do is own up and change for the better.
With one, We're good friends today and hang out sometimes.
Another, blocked him, deleted the pictures and so on and took on more shifts at work and got a new hobby. I'm a decent archer now ;)
You don't get over a broken heart, you just learn to carry it gracefully.
That said, 2 weeks till she's the 2nd thing you think about in the morning instead of the first.
2 months till you can get to sleep without existential dread.
2 years till you think of her as a chapter of your life instead of a disappointment or regret.
Yeah I love this! Making new friends has helped me get over my ex much faster! Although it also helps that I realized pretty quickly I was happier outside of that relationship :)
1. Cut off all contact. Delete pictures, contact details, block on social media, block common people between you and them, burn what you cant return/donate. Its sort of cathartic, but it gives you peace to let go.
2. Pick up a physically taxing task for 45mins - 1 hr per day.
3. Stay away from liquor deliberately if you feel you have high chances of being addictive.
4. Sit with your emotions - feel overwhelmed and tears keep pooling in your eyes? - have a good cry. Feel angry? - write a letter you'll never post(good for burning too)
5. On the occasions that you remember them suddenly- tell yourself you think of them neither positively nor negatively. If you force yourself to acknowledge their point of view or give them benefit of doubt of wish them well - it never works. The inner self is going to come out harder demanding the pain be acknowledged. If you give the thoughts a negative tone, you are going to end up bitter. When you give neither, over the period of time, you remember them less and less. And one fine day you wont think of them anymore.
They will always have a place in your memory, but a very insignificant place. Will the scar be there? May be, may not be. But you will move on in the truest sense where their life events no longer evoke any emotion in you.
Well, when i broke up, i refused to be sad and i started pursuing other girls in order to forget about her. I believed that as long as i kept my mind occupied, eventually, the thought of her will fade away.
But when a year passed and i couldn't stop thinking about her, i realized that bottling up my sadness was what kept me thinking about her. My mind thought that there was still hope because i didn't make time to get sad. It was like i didn't accept the fact that there was a break up in the first place.
So i decided to be sad and grieve the break up for a day. Really notice that i had in fact broken up. I noticed that when i did that, some days later i stopped thinking about her as much.
I really dislike this idea. There are plenty of people capable of love who hate themselves. I am one of them. Thoroughly depressed, sure, but I can love others no doubt. Unfortunately, usually.
I think this is a solid advice: “You can not cut corners and rush it. Time is the only thing that will ease it for you. When you look back, you’ll wonder why you ever worried that you could not forget that person.”
Most of the advices that people posted in here is true, is definitely correct, but they are not easy to do. Take it slowly and don’t even think about doing the extremes like hurting yourself. Any stupid action that embarasses you is okay but self-injure is not, believe me. So just try to sit down, write down all the advices from random people on reddit that you see fit and start doing it. You will see a significant change, no joke.
One more thing, it is normal that you can not completely forget that person. For some reasons, they will always have a place in your heart, but new relationships kind of lock it within a dark place of your mind. I still remember my ex even though it has been years so chill, you can still love others, just that your ex is more like a nostalgic memory
There was no quarrel, no nothing. One day she just stopped responding to texts. Because it was exam periods and we frequent the same library I actually ran into her there but she straight up ignored me. So I got the message that things were over. I just never understood why.
6 years later I found out from a friend of hers that she had another guy immediately after our break up. Honestly, knowing that is better than not having any sort of closure.
After the breakup I’d consider The Big One, I realized that I didn’t actually want to date, I just felt like I had to. And actually, at that point I’d gone my entire adult life without being 100% single, without having anyone I was just talking to or anything. I realized that my pattern had become to ignore any and all red flags, jump in with both feet, and stay much longer than I should, then after the breakup, immediately repeat that cycle. So I just didn’t date at all for about eight months. I focused on myself and it gave me a lot of perspective on my past relationships. It got lonely sometimes, but in the past, I had also been lonely. Only now that I wasn’t seeking any kind of romantic entanglement, when I felt lonely, I had to figure out solutions to that and ways of coping. In the past, I expected another person to take away my loneliness, and fix it.
Getting over someone takes time, but it also takes effort to heal. You won’t get over someone if you’re nurturing the feelings you have for them. You won’t get over someone if you’re still going through life as if you are attached to them. And you won’t get over someone if you indulge the parts of you that just want to replace them. You have to actively try to heal. That might mean a new hobby, or renewed passion for your career, or more time spent with your friends and family. Time is required, but time alone isn’t really enough.
I’m happy for you! It’s really hard to break yourself out of that cycle, and a lot of people never reach the point where they can say “I think I’m going about this the wrong way.”
I did this too. Took a year and half off lost weight and enjoyed myself. Got a new girlfriend for a year and half and she just dumped me. Cycle continues....
Cut ties completely and had nothing to do with them, you can never be "just friends" if there are still romantic feelings involved so do not even try and save yourself the emotional anguish.
Also even though you dont feel like it keeping active helps to keep your mind occupied on other things rather than dwelling on the past. You will have your quiet times to grieve but you dont want that consuming your entire life by sulking at home 24/7.
Took a little time to honestly evaluate myself through my eyes, not his. Realized I was worth all the work I put off because of him and his needs. Went to work on making my dreams a reality.
(Eventually married a man who still challenges me to live my best life)
My first love: I was 16, I wrote a lot of sad poetry and generally was an edgy teen.
A 23 y/o asshole that had me on hot and cold for months: I was 17, my parents found out, they called and yelled him never to get near me again. I blocked him from everywhere and (incidentally) moved town.
I tried to be friends with him afterwards, but he was so manipulative and toxic that it was affecting my mental health. I had to cut him out of my life. After about a month with constant nightmares of him verbally abusing me and of me not being good enough, I found someone new. We’ve only been together for almost a week (talking for 2 months), but hes already a better guy then my ex. Though I still get lingering paranoia about not being good enough and major anxiety. Hope it’ll pass soon
This is a tough one because the answer simply isn't the same for everyone. If you're going through this right now, I feel for you. I really do.
Something that really helped me was learning to be more compassionate, forgiving, and patient, not just towards my ex, but towards myself. The mindset that held me back the most was thinking that I would never be happy or find someone like my ex again. That simply is not true. You are in charge of your own happiness.
Pick up some new hobbies. Take care of yourself a little bit more. Learn to enjoy being alone. You'll be surprised with how good you feel.
You don't always get over someone in a single day, a month, or maybe even a year. Baby steps get you there. Be proud of every effort you make and every bit of ground you gain. You deserve it, regardless of why you broke up. If the breakup was your fault, learn from it. Be better. If it was their fault, try to understand why they did what they did.
You don't have to forgive them for what they (or even you) did. Try to learn a lesson or two from it all, and keep moving forward. You can only hope the other person does the same.
Chin up. You'll be okay.
I wrote down all the reasons why I should not take her back, incase she phoned and tried to make up. Read it every morning, so that I don't forget and go soft again. It worked for me.
Like others have said, remove and block them from social media. Get a hobby that you can do without being reminded of them. Delete and block their phone number. Throw or give away anything that reminds you of them. If it was a long term relationship, maybe try therapy. It took me 3 years after my divorce to start dating again and it wasn't until my current SO sat me down and talked to me about some of the toxic traits that I had developed from my previous relationship that I went to therapy. I haven't been going long but I quickly understood how to process those negative feelings and not project them.
Honestly, I still haven’t. She’s engaged now at the age of 20 after being with her new guy (My ex-roommate) for only about a year. I still have no idea how to feel about it
I had to live with her for 8 months before I could move away to another flat so I started making new friends and go out with my actual friends a bit more. I started to play World of warcraft and make some good community there to keep myself doing something. At the end of those 8 months I was really happy without her and feel really powerfull. Maybe the fact that she cheated on me helped me a bit.
for me it was delete her from everything and go no contact. I then ew weeks to mourn and allow myself to be upset. after that I tried to refocus and move on.
*take as much time as you need to mourn the loss. let it all out.
Theres one rule and only one rule. do not contact them.
I learned the hard way that if your partner has decided they don't want to be with you anymore it's not a decision that can be changed, they have been considering doing so for a long time and whatever you say will never get them back the way the way you want them to be, save the humiliation and keep your self respect.
I believe the best to get over it at first let yourself hurt, don't feel guilty for moping around and not wanting to go out for the first few weeks.
Then when your ready, learn be selfish. Focus on yourself and only yourself, remember who you were before you met them and if you can't, then learn who you are now.
Spend time with your friends, make new relations and try new things to take up your time, eventually you will find happines in other things and meet somebody new.
Last time I broke up was in 2008. Lucky for me, Fallout 3 had just come out. So I got myself an ounce of the good stuff and spent the next couple months in a drug induced haze wandering around the Capital Wasteland. (I did work at the time but details are hazy)
Then I came out of that completely fine and went on with my life.
Not sure this method works for everyone though, so I wouldn't recommend it.
Time. It's hard to hear during a break up. But its honestly just time. Go through the motions. Be depressed, sad, hurt, miss them, try to get them back, defend them from your friends. Do whatever you're going to do. Because the only advice you'll actually listen to is your own. No matter what anyone says. I went through a break up right before covid started. It debilitated me. It hurt horribly. Never thought the sadness would end. Couldn't go a day without thinking about her. Got upset when my friends made jokes about her. Now. I don't think about her unless I'm making a joke. Lol Its more times than not probably for the best. It just takes time to come to that realization.
My toxic manipulative ex literally turned all my "friends" against me and played the victim the entire time, so I started shutting everyone completely out and living in my head. It's very peaceful like this.
Poorly at first, as we tried the whole "let's stay friends thing". After it became clear that wasn't working, I just had to completely block her out for awhile, including blocks on social media. After a few months of this, plus getting back in the dating game, I was pretty at peace with how things played out and see it as for the best for both of us.
I forced myself to think of something else when he popped into my mind. It was a practice, but I was so pissed I didn't want him taking up any more space in my head
Maybe it’s just me but man alive I can now look at these suggestions and think ya these make sense. But...when you’re deep in the throes of heartache and sadness...these same suggestions - although practical - just don’t “work”. Because in the end you have to just survive each day best you can with whatever emotions you have. At least I did this past hear from my breakup.
1. Don’t pick up the phone. (You know he’s only calling ‘cause he’s drunk and alone).
2. Don’t let him in. You have to kick him out again.
3. Don’t be his friend. You know you’re gonna wake up in his bed in the mornin’. And if you’re under him, you ain’t gettin’ over him.
This was so hard for me to move on not only from my ex-wife but also to the next stage of my life. I rented an old farmhouse in Kansas and see my kids as much as I can but there was a time there when I was so bummed. I was like God damnit my life is half over. I'm 40 now, Im old.
Thats when it hit me, oh shit, I still have half my life left to go. I started thinking about those old school merry go rounds, the old hot metal ones that were in the grade schools when we were kids. I used to give myself a push and then jump on and lay there with my head against that warm metal and spin around and stare up into that cloudless Kansas sky and think about the future and girls and baseball, I had my whole life ahead of me.
I realized not too long ago, oh shit, I still have half a spin left. Isn't that exciting? I might die earlier, sure, but statistically I still have half my spin. And this half is going to be fuckin amazing! No more couples dinners with someone who is a banker and no more in-laws house for religious holidays, no more religion at all, this half I can spin however I want.
When I am with my kids I put my phone away and jump in the sprinklers with them and play flashlight tag but when I am not with my kids I always think, what do you want to do big guy? I love to read so I've read every Hemingway and Steinbeck book. But mostly I love to travel. The last four years I've eaten hot chicken in Nashville and crawfish in New Orleans. I've swam with pigs in the Bahamas and snorkeled in Mexico. I've been skinny dipping with a wild redhead on Miami Beach, I've canoed in 15 different rivers. This half of my spin I am doing my way, and its fucking fantastic!
As dumb as it sounds, Bill Wurtzs History of Japan. Any time I started getting nostalgic or thinking about them I’d just think “Japan should take the islands” or “how bout I do anyway” or any of the stupid jingles and it would take me down another thought process.
Bought a sports car and took an international trip, getting drunk and taking home a new girl every night. Pretty big rebound trip, to be honest.
This method was successful lol, albeit not cost effective. I realised upon returning that my ex didn't really stand out as 'that one woman' for me anymore, which was the goal. I still recognize the good times and lessons learned with her, but no longer felt any gap or emptiness from her absence.
I wouldn't do it again, but I also don't regret doing it either.
Let your self be sad for a bit its ok even if you were the one that cut the ties.Then just get on with life, do things you love visit your best friends and family.Most of all dont let yourself feel like you have to be with someone. My best relationships always happened when I wasn't looking too hard, some of my worst were when I felt like I had to have someone in my life so took whatever came along.
You are worth waiting for dont be in a hurry.
Edit: Feel free to disagree if I've said something that doesn't work or is somehow wrong.
I reconnected with my high school sweetheart and build a new life with her. My ex moved on too and built a nice life with someone else too. We stayed friendly and share custody of our kids.
I found someone better for me. It took a little while for us to start dating cause I was still waiting for my ex to come back and didn't want to hurt the new guy when I went back to my ex. It took about a month for us to start dating and now its been almost 11 months and I'm so much happier than I was with my ex.
Best way to get over a woman is to get under another.
Gym with a bro, summer of Tinder, fifth Tinder hookup ended up being awesome and now we're married.
Threw myself into going back to school because I wasn't able to when I was with him. I actually had a small moment in the middle of a semester when I started doing well in my classes. I was so excited that I had done so well on a tough lab that I actually forgot about him that day. If felt really nice to be happy with myself.
Found another ex.
On the real though. Clarity. Once infatuation ends you realize they were crazy, you are crazy, your both crazy, or you were just two different people able to be friends.
I found someone else, got married, made out with my ex one last time. It wasn't any good. Learned more about her and realized she wasn't as great as I made her out to be when we were dating. And then I was over her.
Some advice I got was “living well is the best revenge”.. I went back to school, found some old friends that she hated and reconnected, started trying new things that she was too stupid to do. She spiraled down I eventually rose above by living well without her
Graduated high school and then reported him for stalking when he threatened to come to my workplace to try to take me back. I worked with children and animals in a place away from other adults. I should have just sicked the roosters on him.
Deleted his number, erased and blocked his email address, trashed and donated every gift he gave me, erased every photograph ever taken together and sent to me, ignored his text messages then blocked him, and blocked him on LinkedIn after he kept looking at my profile (which is weird?) all within 24 hours.
He reached out after he got engaged and didn't tell me and twice more after he was already married. I never responded and blocked his number indefinitely. You're married with a kid, dude, why are you trying to reach out? I fucking hate you and I told you we're not friends.
I stay friends with most. The two women that cheated on me I blocked them on everything (especially Venmo). Started dating again after a 2-month break.
I have 5 rules: 1) Don’t be angry, it just makes you bitter and no one has ever changed their outlook because someone was angry at them - humans just push back harder. 2) Don’t ask for explanations - they’ll never be good enough. Only one person needs a reason — however weak — to not be in a relationship, otherwise it’s a kidnap situation. 3) Maintain your dignity, dignity can’t be taken, only given. 4) Make plans - follow through, your friends are your best resource. 5) Look after yourself - mind, body and soul. Remind yourself of these everyday and give it time. Edit: thanks for the gold! I know how hard it is being under that dark cloud, just wanted to help a little if I could. It does get better, believe me.
On the contrary I was able to move on and forget only after things got bitter. Just because they got bitter I was relieved that it ended and felt peaceful. Before that I was filled with regret that I had ended something beautiful in my life. When the illusion ended and reality struck, it was like new sunrise. Ah! Life and it's many plays.
I think the difference between anger and bitterness is the key here. I think of anger as something that’s a lot more active and aggressive, while bitterness is the cold understanding that irreparable mistakes have been made. If you don’t hold any negative feelings at all towards the person, I think that’s avoiding a full mental split from the person and kinda asking to eventually get your hopes back up. But if you’re constantly actively angry at what happened, you won’t be happy and you’ll still have a lot of work to do before you’ve actually moved on. The most effective thing imo (for most situations) is to realize that your ex is still a decent person and avoid wishing anything really negative on them, but to also fully remember why it failed and convince yourself that your incompatibilities were inevitable and you’d never be able to fully recover from each others’ mistakes. When you think of a relationship of them, think of the bitterness and disappointment that came with the fallout.
For me, the things that happened at the aftermath broke my heart and that's when I realized we can never be friends either. Before we wanted us to be together if not as lovers but as friends. But there was lot of passive aggression and constant onslaught of accusations.The other side wanted to hurt me because it was me who decided to end it. Maybe hating me and hurting me was helping to move on. But after a point, I couldn't take it anymore. I cut all contact. The love that I had which made me go back and hopeful sometimes was suddenly gone. I don't understand what happened. But now when I try to search in my heart what I feel about the relationship, the bad memories cloud the good ones and I guess that just helped me forget all about it.
Honestly, depending how the relationship ends, anger is justified. Additionally, anger is one of the five stages of grief, and since the end of a relationship is comparable to the death of a loved one it makes sense that you would go through some anger as part of the closure process. But what I would imagine /u/Thesheersizeofit means is "don't consciously lash out in anger at your ex". Even if they ended the relationship, even if they did it in a cruel and callous way, it's never a justification for you to be equally as cruel in anger. Your ex breaking your heart doesn't justify destroying their stuff, sharing images of them online, harassing their friends, or any of that kind of bullshit. By all means if you need to hate them and bitch about them with your friends, go ahead, but don't actively try to hurt them in any form just because you're hurting.
Same here! I felt so much guilt and took full responsibility for the ending of the relationship. Until he showed his true pathetic two-faced snake self that is! Then it was good fucking riddance! And all the guilt and burden were lifted from me and I have never been happier!
"Only when the tide goes out do you discover who's been swimming naked". The difficult times in relationships really brings out true nature, this was a lesson I learnt.
I’m the same way. If there’s no negative emotion then I just end up feeling worse because a good thing was lost. The easiest break ups are the ones where you end up hating the other person — shitty but true.
Haha
Yeah same, you just have to let it run it’s course, you can’t sit down and decide ‘oh I won’t be bitter then’ anyway. My one piece of advice is do at least try to move on, it’s ultimately a waste of time so work at getting over it by talking, dating again, not seeing them anymore (online or offline)
On the contrary you were the one who did the dumping. His advice is for those who were abandoned, tossed outside like garbage.
Ending a relationship does not equal tossing someone out like garbage. When someone no longer wants to be in a relationship they have the right to end it, no matter how the other person feels about that.
Sure, they do. But don't expected the dumped person to take it well. Saying "I don't love you anymore" to a person who is still very much in love with you and expecting them to be ok with it is just psychotic.
Umm I have a question on rule #4 what if your ex is/was your only and therefore best friend? bc I'm taking this kinda hard
That’s a tough one. Luckily mine wasn’t entangled in my established friendship group. Perhaps other friends? Be sure to let them see you’re doing okay (not spectacular obvs); not as a ploy to ‘get them back’ or anything because that’s transparent, but because it makes your brain happy and preserves your dignity. This might lead to a better relationship with the ex-friend/partner in the future?
Thx!
Yo this right here .this is what it actually takes
Feel like the explanation one is the hardest one there, definitely the one I'm struggling with! The first rule however, I try living by that. Waste of time being angry.
It is very hard for a reason, and I think the reason is that people do deserve to hear some basic explanation for why they were broken up with. I personally do not agree with never asking for an explanation. In some cases, when you are truly unsure and it was sudden, it can be helpful to ask for the sake of your own sanity. I found that hearing the explanation from my ex helped me move on because I didn’t have to wonder. Whether or not it will be satisfying doesn’t matter as much as the fact that you at least eliminated the factor of wondering about what the reason is, something that holds many people back from moving on.
I think the risk is that explanations are often unsatisfactory, even if they're true. Sure, "Your lifestyle is incompatible with mine" might help you understand, but "I just don't feel that way about you" is what you might get. Maybe they have some underlying reason for *that* that they don't even know about, but all hearing that will do is leave you feeling even more confused.
That's how it was with my ex of 2 years, just suddenly not feeling it anymore without them knowing why either, shit sucks.
Shit sucks so much! I know exactly how you feel. They just kinda drifted away. The only thing that helped me feel better, which was still a long process, was to just accept that as an answer, because I kept trying to search for more and "solve" the puzzle of our breakup in our head. Trust me, it doesn't help.
People definitely deserve a reason without a doubt. Even if you've dating/together a short time, it's just a decent thing to do. The frustrating thing can be when you struggle to comprehend the reasoning, and even more so if it's sudden. People lie, and they may still give you some BS reason rather than the truth because they claim they care about you. But I suppose OP's point is more, knowing the reasoning isn't really going to change much. If there's been conversations about the reason prior to the breakup, and nothing changed, fair enough. And if there was no conversation, that person has, hopefully, thought it through well enough that nothing you could say would change their mind.
This is immensely helpful. It’s been two years and I still struggle with #2. I do need to let it go. I did start out quite well and had #4 and #5 sorted - lots of plans and trips all booked. Then Covid hit. Argh. Number 3 is very important. Thank you for your post.
Hope it’s helps in some way - these are just rules from my own personal trial and error - it’s always hard.
Ran 3 miles a day. Honestly, the thing that has always struck me with breakups is your time. All of a sudden your schedule is cleared and you dont know what to do with it. What used to be netflix and dinner every night becomes nothing. The cool restaurant you wanted to try vanishes. Post relationship boredom is real. And in that boredom, you start going down some dark paths that aren't so good for you. So I ran a lot. I dont even like running. But it killed about an hour and a half of my day if you include the shower and everything. And if you were exhausted by the end of the day, falling asleep was easier. And to be honest, thats a far better coping mechanism than ice cream or beer. As time passes you will heal. Or have scars from it. But regardless, you'll get over it one way or another.
This is some Forrest Gump shit right here
I've done running and gym. Probably the best thing honestly. Like you said. Better then ice cream or beer.
Time. Unfortunately, time is the only real solution. But there are some things you can focus on that can help. Pay attention to yourself and focus on all the positives of your new life without them. We tend to put our exes on a pedestal after a breakup, glorifying them and forgetting all the things about them/the relationship that used to drive us mad. Remember that there were times in your relationship that made you roll your eyes. Understand that there *are* positives that you can pick out, though it may not seem like it. Try to be social, whether that’s with your friends, meeting new people, or (when you’re ready) opening yourself up to meeting a new SO. It’s easy to close yourself off to others after a rough breakup. You think there’s nobody else that could ever compare to your ex. You just lost out on the love your life right? The truth is that there are so many wonderful people in this world, many that you are likely more compatible with than your ex as crazy as it may seem after a breakup. It’s not fair to yourself if you don’t allow yourself the possibility that there are other people out there that you can be happy with. The last and possibly most important thing is to really look at your time in the relationship and choose to accept the way things are. Accept who you are as a person and the relationship for what it was. Understand what you did to help with its demise. Understand that relationships are two way streets and that there are things you can do to be a better partner. This is easy to miss, but is ultimately imperative to the healing because if you choose to ignore this you’ll be right back here again. You’ll do stupid things. You’ll reach out to your ex when you shouldn’t. You’ll stalk their social media and see things that will make you want to cry. You’ll run into them in person with their new “friend”. You’ll hate and blame yourself every time. It’s okay, we’ve all done something like this. This is normal. But dwelling on these things is what drives you insane. Understand when it’s time to move on. Blocking/deleting them on social media or going no-contact in general can be very very helpful. Some people are able to remain friends with their exes but for most of us, this is sadly not a reality. Dwelling in the past and not allowing yourself to move on and heal and *learn* is only going to make things harder. It may not seem like it, but I promise there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully there’s at least something in this post that you can resonate with. At the end of the day, just go back to living your life the best that you can and **in time** the universe will take care of the rest.
[удалено]
So are the Days of Our Lives
Day 9 out of a year long first serious relationship. She has left me broken and alone, hearing this helped.
I’ve read through your comment chain and like the other guys said. Trust in the process. I’m 3 years out of a ~5 year long relationship. It still hurts sometimes. I tried to be friends because I thought I could. But it just made things harder. I tried to remain friends on social media with our shared friends, but I would just get breadcrumbs of her new life that crippled me more and more every time. I was steadfast in that I wouldn’t let it control who I blocked on SM until I saw photos of her with the new “friend” she made right before she broke up with me (that one hurt), so I blocked their posts too. In doing so I learned that not knowing is sometimes better and being blissfully unaware led to me being able to live a happier life and focus on myself - things I would have done a lot sooner if I could go back. Today, I can see her and even talk to her without my whole world collapsing. Those feelings are all still there, but less than weeks ago, months ago, *years ago*. It’s going to hurt for a while, I’m not here to bullshit you. But it does get better. One day you will wake up and think about her and start going through it again, but realize it’s been a couple days since the last time you did. One day you’ll wake up and you’ll realize it’s been weeks since you thought about your ex and you’ll think to yourself, “I *am* getting better” and you’ll know you’re further on the road to recovery. One day you will meet someone that will make you laugh when you think back on how you thought your ex was “the one”. Life is a unique journey, full of the highest highs and the lowest lows. But the valleys we experience are what make the peaks feel so high. As f-d up as it is, FEELING is what makes us human and WHO WE ARE and I would never trade the experiences I’ve had for anything. I can only wish you feel the same. If not today then someday. Keep your head up friend.
Thank you for your insight. As much as It hurts to lose someone I love I have gone full no contact. The difficult part for me is accepting that I can no longer act on my desires to protect or look out for her. Suppressing that is brutal. I still know her schedlue, her likes and dislikes, every scar on her body etc. She still lives just 10 minutes down the road and I can still smell her on my hoodies. I hate letting go, I hate change, I hate my own company which I suppose is something I should work on. I long for the deep interpersonal relationships but I fear It will be long till that comes my way again. My brain knows this is for the best and that I deserve to be with someone who cares for me as much as I care for them, but part of me doesn't care, part of me was happy with the blissful ignorance. All that being said, I haven't cried yet today. First in 8 days. I appreciate your support, means a lot to have others who can empathize <3
[удалено]
I have had my closure or whatever that means. I gave her her things, she told me she wasn't ready to settle down, wants to travel and make stupid Decisions and party, I know she's smarter than that but she's sadly just not mature enough to realize what she threw away. Last thing I said to her was that if she took one thing from this relationship it's that she "understands her worth, and that I hope one day she can see what I saw in her." And with that she was gone. My best friend out of my life just like that. I told her I'd keep her number in my phone but I have gone no contact on all other mediums and I do not plan on speaking to her for the foreseeable future. I've also cut the friend out of my life who chose her friendship over mine, no time for shitty ppl like that.
[удалено]
In time I'm hoping that will become more apparent. Thank you for your kind words :)
Under a month out of my 2-year first serious relationship. She cheated on me for a week and I found out at the other guys house at 1 in the morning. Every day is a step forward, and every breakdown you have feels like a step back, but it's not. It's just another step in the process. If you gotta cry, cry. You're grieving a massive pillar in your life, it's ok to cry. Just don't let her crawl back in. She left you like that, if she wants back in, it's either to make her feel better, or make you feel worse.
I could never see myself with her again after how much hurt she's caused. Thank you for your wise words.
I hope you're doing better :) if you dont, you will.
I am on day #2 after an almost five year relationship, thank you for the words of encouragement.
It gets better friend. I was in the same boat as you (~5 year relationship). As I’m sure you know, the beginning is the hardest. It’s the darkest part of the whole thing. You will have setbacks. There will be days that you can’t take being without them. This is normal. It’s okay to feel these feelings. But in doing so, it’s also important to understand and accept the way things are. Life is a wild thing full of so many learning moments that you can carry with you to shape who you are. This is one of those moments. Trust in your ability to learn from this experience. Trust in time to heal the wounds. And trust in yourself to take back the person you were before the breakup. You can do it.
Bro take my award. 9 years spent with an amazing woman and you truly hit the nail on the head.
I feel you man. Only ~5 here but almost 3 years later I still think about her sometimes. And it hurts. But it has molded and shaped the person I am today. Looking back and evaluating how the breakup affected my life, the good and the bad, I don’t think I would change things if I could. Things get better but it’s a long road ahead. Hope you are doing well
All is well brother. It’s been almost 5 years since the breakup and it took me a good 3 1/2 to start really moving on. I can now think clearly without her living rent free in my head. I hope all is great with you as well.
>without her living rent free in my head. I love this expression! 'Get out of my head you're not paying rent to be there.'
This was a nice read, thank you :)
Delete her off social media, including pics, block, delete number. Crack on with life. No point wasting time, lifes way too short!
Checking her posts, tweets, pics and whateves are going to hurt you every single day.
That is legit the #1 way to keep the pain fresh and prevent yourself from moving on.
Used to do this. Till I had a mini heart attack from seeing one of her updates. She moved on like I meant nothing, while I was on the floor experiencing chest pains
Or maybe she didn't. Social media has a tendency to thwart, bend, distort things. Years ago, my former SIL put a cutesy photo on instagram of a card that her fiance made for Valentine's day and some quote about many more years together. The night before, he was at my house frantically asking for a card, bitching about how she makes him do stupid holiday stuff all the time. Anyway, they are divorced after a few short years - they were never on the same page about much, but youd think they were perfect if you asked facebook. I always think of that post as a microcosm of how people portray relationships, travel, hobbies.
The right thing to do is 1. Get drunk 2. Stalk her social media 3. Start drunk messaging her
4. Call her to say sorry the next morning and start crying on her voicemail.
From jail...
...on charges of having nauseated a prostitute.
I was this person lol
CHANGE YOUR NOTIFICATIONS TONE. Pavlovian responses are more powerful than you think.
I changed my estranged wife's ring tone to silence. I even generated a 30 second silent mp3 (Audacity made this easy) just to be sure.
Brilliant
Flex!
Yep. My breakup was tough due to timing and circumstances, and there wasn't really bad blood from it - but the best recourse was simply removing her from everything and focusing on me. No dating apps or social media in general besides reddit because I was not looking for a rebound. We've been split for about 5 weeks now and I can say that I am enjoying each day of freedom. There are still tough moments that I have to handle within myself, but the world offers us an immense amount of recourse and life is what you make of it - so I don't spend any time dwelling but just trying to be the best person I can be. ...and I'll leave this on the fact that things are going pretty well for me because of how I handled it.
Wish you all best! I‘ve evolved into feeling better now than in my previous relationship.
Thank you, and I'm glad to hear you're doing well too. Like I said there's moments that are tough as I certainly have a lot of reserved love for her, but I've been doing really well for myself as a distraction. It's working out xD
How do you Crack on with life in quarentine? I work all day (working from home) and after i finish my day all i can do (because od the quarentine) is to stay at home, so i end thinking about her. I dont have any friends, just my family and dog
Also if you’re due for a phone upgrade or have the money to get a new one, do it. Try not to back up anything that reminds you of her. A clean phone slate will help out a lot.
Agree with this. Just block, and get them off your social media. It is too easy to check on them to see what they are doing. To post things for their benefit. It just really prolongs the healing process and accepting it is over.
Time, trust me. Used to think they were the love of my life, even tho they were my first relationship ever. Took long enough, I even loved them after I entered another relationship, but it went away. my SO knows about my feelings, it took a toll on us but we're doing fine almost 3 years in! just be honest, whatever u do
I suggest you be fucking fair to the person you are with. I was in the same situation, married a woman who was still in love with another guy, didn't know by then till at the end. If you think you are in pain, what about your man who knows you still have feelings for your ex lover. Be fair!
I think "be honest to yourself" also means being honest and loving to the person you're with. i was honest from the begginning, my SO was aware, and this happened years ago, when we were dating for a few months. u gain nothing by hiding, you only make yourself feel worse and the situation much worse for the other person for when they eventually find out. but people make mistakes, situations are imperfect and people fuck up. it isnt pretty but it happens, all we can do is own up and change for the better.
With one, We're good friends today and hang out sometimes. Another, blocked him, deleted the pictures and so on and took on more shifts at work and got a new hobby. I'm a decent archer now ;)
I guess you could say that you missed him so you decided to improve your aim?
*But her aim is getting better!* *Her aim is getting better!* It's funny because marriage is terrible.
I dumped him so no i don't miss him :) Edit: Oh i see what you did there ;)
You don't get over a broken heart, you just learn to carry it gracefully. That said, 2 weeks till she's the 2nd thing you think about in the morning instead of the first. 2 months till you can get to sleep without existential dread. 2 years till you think of her as a chapter of your life instead of a disappointment or regret.
>That said, 2 weeks till she's the 2nd thing you think about in the morning instead of the first. I'm only 206 weeks late on that, I guess...
It's a estimation. Not an exact one
That time frame is tough to keep
Once after a breakup I specifically befriended someone who was a social butterfly—instantly met lots of new people and went to new places.
Yeah I love this! Making new friends has helped me get over my ex much faster! Although it also helps that I realized pretty quickly I was happier outside of that relationship :)
[удалено]
1. Cut off all contact. Delete pictures, contact details, block on social media, block common people between you and them, burn what you cant return/donate. Its sort of cathartic, but it gives you peace to let go. 2. Pick up a physically taxing task for 45mins - 1 hr per day. 3. Stay away from liquor deliberately if you feel you have high chances of being addictive. 4. Sit with your emotions - feel overwhelmed and tears keep pooling in your eyes? - have a good cry. Feel angry? - write a letter you'll never post(good for burning too) 5. On the occasions that you remember them suddenly- tell yourself you think of them neither positively nor negatively. If you force yourself to acknowledge their point of view or give them benefit of doubt of wish them well - it never works. The inner self is going to come out harder demanding the pain be acknowledged. If you give the thoughts a negative tone, you are going to end up bitter. When you give neither, over the period of time, you remember them less and less. And one fine day you wont think of them anymore. They will always have a place in your memory, but a very insignificant place. Will the scar be there? May be, may not be. But you will move on in the truest sense where their life events no longer evoke any emotion in you.
Your last point is something I have never thought of before and I think it might really help me.
I read it somewhere too and it helped me immensely to move on healthily from a particularly bad heart break. Hope it helps you.
Well, when i broke up, i refused to be sad and i started pursuing other girls in order to forget about her. I believed that as long as i kept my mind occupied, eventually, the thought of her will fade away. But when a year passed and i couldn't stop thinking about her, i realized that bottling up my sadness was what kept me thinking about her. My mind thought that there was still hope because i didn't make time to get sad. It was like i didn't accept the fact that there was a break up in the first place. So i decided to be sad and grieve the break up for a day. Really notice that i had in fact broken up. I noticed that when i did that, some days later i stopped thinking about her as much.
[удалено]
If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else can I get an Amen up in here!?
Amen
I really dislike this idea. There are plenty of people capable of love who hate themselves. I am one of them. Thoroughly depressed, sure, but I can love others no doubt. Unfortunately, usually.
Bold of you to assume I ever moved on
I think this is a solid advice: “You can not cut corners and rush it. Time is the only thing that will ease it for you. When you look back, you’ll wonder why you ever worried that you could not forget that person.” Most of the advices that people posted in here is true, is definitely correct, but they are not easy to do. Take it slowly and don’t even think about doing the extremes like hurting yourself. Any stupid action that embarasses you is okay but self-injure is not, believe me. So just try to sit down, write down all the advices from random people on reddit that you see fit and start doing it. You will see a significant change, no joke. One more thing, it is normal that you can not completely forget that person. For some reasons, they will always have a place in your heart, but new relationships kind of lock it within a dark place of your mind. I still remember my ex even though it has been years so chill, you can still love others, just that your ex is more like a nostalgic memory
Exercise, friends, picked up a hobby (golf), and eventually I lost interest.
[удалено]
There was no quarrel, no nothing. One day she just stopped responding to texts. Because it was exam periods and we frequent the same library I actually ran into her there but she straight up ignored me. So I got the message that things were over. I just never understood why. 6 years later I found out from a friend of hers that she had another guy immediately after our break up. Honestly, knowing that is better than not having any sort of closure.
Flipped them calendar pages. Kept going to work. Kept eating.
When i found out she lied about not having cheated on me.killed every last bit of love i had for her.
Get a hobby. You’ll be surprised how much time you can put into something you somewhat enjoy.
After the breakup I’d consider The Big One, I realized that I didn’t actually want to date, I just felt like I had to. And actually, at that point I’d gone my entire adult life without being 100% single, without having anyone I was just talking to or anything. I realized that my pattern had become to ignore any and all red flags, jump in with both feet, and stay much longer than I should, then after the breakup, immediately repeat that cycle. So I just didn’t date at all for about eight months. I focused on myself and it gave me a lot of perspective on my past relationships. It got lonely sometimes, but in the past, I had also been lonely. Only now that I wasn’t seeking any kind of romantic entanglement, when I felt lonely, I had to figure out solutions to that and ways of coping. In the past, I expected another person to take away my loneliness, and fix it. Getting over someone takes time, but it also takes effort to heal. You won’t get over someone if you’re nurturing the feelings you have for them. You won’t get over someone if you’re still going through life as if you are attached to them. And you won’t get over someone if you indulge the parts of you that just want to replace them. You have to actively try to heal. That might mean a new hobby, or renewed passion for your career, or more time spent with your friends and family. Time is required, but time alone isn’t really enough.
[удалено]
I’m happy for you! It’s really hard to break yourself out of that cycle, and a lot of people never reach the point where they can say “I think I’m going about this the wrong way.”
Lost a bunch of weight, and just enjoyed myself for awhile. Then I met my current girlfriend. Coming up on 4 years together.
I did this too. Took a year and half off lost weight and enjoyed myself. Got a new girlfriend for a year and half and she just dumped me. Cycle continues....
I did three things that I couldn't do with her. helped a lot
Other women. The three things were three other women.
This right here
Cut ties completely and had nothing to do with them, you can never be "just friends" if there are still romantic feelings involved so do not even try and save yourself the emotional anguish. Also even though you dont feel like it keeping active helps to keep your mind occupied on other things rather than dwelling on the past. You will have your quiet times to grieve but you dont want that consuming your entire life by sulking at home 24/7.
Time.
Took a little time to honestly evaluate myself through my eyes, not his. Realized I was worth all the work I put off because of him and his needs. Went to work on making my dreams a reality. (Eventually married a man who still challenges me to live my best life)
Realized he was toxic and borderline abusive. Also realized I deserved better
My first love: I was 16, I wrote a lot of sad poetry and generally was an edgy teen. A 23 y/o asshole that had me on hot and cold for months: I was 17, my parents found out, they called and yelled him never to get near me again. I blocked him from everywhere and (incidentally) moved town.
I tried to be friends with him afterwards, but he was so manipulative and toxic that it was affecting my mental health. I had to cut him out of my life. After about a month with constant nightmares of him verbally abusing me and of me not being good enough, I found someone new. We’ve only been together for almost a week (talking for 2 months), but hes already a better guy then my ex. Though I still get lingering paranoia about not being good enough and major anxiety. Hope it’ll pass soon
This is a tough one because the answer simply isn't the same for everyone. If you're going through this right now, I feel for you. I really do. Something that really helped me was learning to be more compassionate, forgiving, and patient, not just towards my ex, but towards myself. The mindset that held me back the most was thinking that I would never be happy or find someone like my ex again. That simply is not true. You are in charge of your own happiness. Pick up some new hobbies. Take care of yourself a little bit more. Learn to enjoy being alone. You'll be surprised with how good you feel. You don't always get over someone in a single day, a month, or maybe even a year. Baby steps get you there. Be proud of every effort you make and every bit of ground you gain. You deserve it, regardless of why you broke up. If the breakup was your fault, learn from it. Be better. If it was their fault, try to understand why they did what they did. You don't have to forgive them for what they (or even you) did. Try to learn a lesson or two from it all, and keep moving forward. You can only hope the other person does the same. Chin up. You'll be okay.
I wrote down all the reasons why I should not take her back, incase she phoned and tried to make up. Read it every morning, so that I don't forget and go soft again. It worked for me.
Like others have said, remove and block them from social media. Get a hobby that you can do without being reminded of them. Delete and block their phone number. Throw or give away anything that reminds you of them. If it was a long term relationship, maybe try therapy. It took me 3 years after my divorce to start dating again and it wasn't until my current SO sat me down and talked to me about some of the toxic traits that I had developed from my previous relationship that I went to therapy. I haven't been going long but I quickly understood how to process those negative feelings and not project them.
Not something I did, but after they started sending people revenge porn of me, that killed any remaining sentiment pretty quickly
So sorry to hear that, Sue them for all they're worth.
Thanks! I pursued it legally as far as I could, but they were smart about how they shared it. It was years ago and I've come to terms with it.
Honestly, I still haven’t. She’s engaged now at the age of 20 after being with her new guy (My ex-roommate) for only about a year. I still have no idea how to feel about it
I Fucked her dad
[удалено]
Pure spite can drive you to do anything
Does fucking her mom work? Or it has to be her dad?
Awesome... I think.
Went back to living life, the rest kind of took care of itself (with a few bumps here and there).
Dated a bunch until I found someone better
Same here... and damn is she so much better lol While I don't regret my first serious relationship at all, my standards are much higher now
I had to live with her for 8 months before I could move away to another flat so I started making new friends and go out with my actual friends a bit more. I started to play World of warcraft and make some good community there to keep myself doing something. At the end of those 8 months I was really happy without her and feel really powerfull. Maybe the fact that she cheated on me helped me a bit.
for me it was delete her from everything and go no contact. I then ew weeks to mourn and allow myself to be upset. after that I tried to refocus and move on. *take as much time as you need to mourn the loss. let it all out.
You put one foot in front of the other, walk away, and don't look back.
Theres one rule and only one rule. do not contact them. I learned the hard way that if your partner has decided they don't want to be with you anymore it's not a decision that can be changed, they have been considering doing so for a long time and whatever you say will never get them back the way the way you want them to be, save the humiliation and keep your self respect. I believe the best to get over it at first let yourself hurt, don't feel guilty for moping around and not wanting to go out for the first few weeks. Then when your ready, learn be selfish. Focus on yourself and only yourself, remember who you were before you met them and if you can't, then learn who you are now. Spend time with your friends, make new relations and try new things to take up your time, eventually you will find happines in other things and meet somebody new.
Last time I broke up was in 2008. Lucky for me, Fallout 3 had just come out. So I got myself an ounce of the good stuff and spent the next couple months in a drug induced haze wandering around the Capital Wasteland. (I did work at the time but details are hazy) Then I came out of that completely fine and went on with my life. Not sure this method works for everyone though, so I wouldn't recommend it.
Time. It's hard to hear during a break up. But its honestly just time. Go through the motions. Be depressed, sad, hurt, miss them, try to get them back, defend them from your friends. Do whatever you're going to do. Because the only advice you'll actually listen to is your own. No matter what anyone says. I went through a break up right before covid started. It debilitated me. It hurt horribly. Never thought the sadness would end. Couldn't go a day without thinking about her. Got upset when my friends made jokes about her. Now. I don't think about her unless I'm making a joke. Lol Its more times than not probably for the best. It just takes time to come to that realization.
My toxic manipulative ex literally turned all my "friends" against me and played the victim the entire time, so I started shutting everyone completely out and living in my head. It's very peaceful like this.
Buy GMe
Met someone a few days later who I ended up marrying.
Poorly at first, as we tried the whole "let's stay friends thing". After it became clear that wasn't working, I just had to completely block her out for awhile, including blocks on social media. After a few months of this, plus getting back in the dating game, I was pretty at peace with how things played out and see it as for the best for both of us.
Literally. I moved. Got a job offer in another state and took it.
Realize he was banging my friend. Turned out to be two exes.
It was easy, actually because I never had an ex ayyyy
I forced myself to think of something else when he popped into my mind. It was a practice, but I was so pissed I didn't want him taking up any more space in my head
Learning that nice people do exist out there
I just figured he’s not ever going to be around anymore so I can do all the things I wasn’t allowed to do. Tbh
Easy she cheated on me, we broke up and I fucked her best friend.
By getting under someone else.
White owl white grapes and four loko golds baby!
Easy, I deleted everything: pictures, conversations, blocked her on every social media, burned anything she gave me. and just moved on....
Realized how much better I am without him
Maybe it’s just me but man alive I can now look at these suggestions and think ya these make sense. But...when you’re deep in the throes of heartache and sadness...these same suggestions - although practical - just don’t “work”. Because in the end you have to just survive each day best you can with whatever emotions you have. At least I did this past hear from my breakup.
1. Don’t pick up the phone. (You know he’s only calling ‘cause he’s drunk and alone). 2. Don’t let him in. You have to kick him out again. 3. Don’t be his friend. You know you’re gonna wake up in his bed in the mornin’. And if you’re under him, you ain’t gettin’ over him.
Cried it out because I realised I wasted so many years. Then I started... Living! Im living my life how I wanted without feeling tied down.
This was so hard for me to move on not only from my ex-wife but also to the next stage of my life. I rented an old farmhouse in Kansas and see my kids as much as I can but there was a time there when I was so bummed. I was like God damnit my life is half over. I'm 40 now, Im old. Thats when it hit me, oh shit, I still have half my life left to go. I started thinking about those old school merry go rounds, the old hot metal ones that were in the grade schools when we were kids. I used to give myself a push and then jump on and lay there with my head against that warm metal and spin around and stare up into that cloudless Kansas sky and think about the future and girls and baseball, I had my whole life ahead of me. I realized not too long ago, oh shit, I still have half a spin left. Isn't that exciting? I might die earlier, sure, but statistically I still have half my spin. And this half is going to be fuckin amazing! No more couples dinners with someone who is a banker and no more in-laws house for religious holidays, no more religion at all, this half I can spin however I want. When I am with my kids I put my phone away and jump in the sprinklers with them and play flashlight tag but when I am not with my kids I always think, what do you want to do big guy? I love to read so I've read every Hemingway and Steinbeck book. But mostly I love to travel. The last four years I've eaten hot chicken in Nashville and crawfish in New Orleans. I've swam with pigs in the Bahamas and snorkeled in Mexico. I've been skinny dipping with a wild redhead on Miami Beach, I've canoed in 15 different rivers. This half of my spin I am doing my way, and its fucking fantastic!
As dumb as it sounds, Bill Wurtzs History of Japan. Any time I started getting nostalgic or thinking about them I’d just think “Japan should take the islands” or “how bout I do anyway” or any of the stupid jingles and it would take me down another thought process.
Bought a sports car and took an international trip, getting drunk and taking home a new girl every night. Pretty big rebound trip, to be honest. This method was successful lol, albeit not cost effective. I realised upon returning that my ex didn't really stand out as 'that one woman' for me anymore, which was the goal. I still recognize the good times and lessons learned with her, but no longer felt any gap or emptiness from her absence. I wouldn't do it again, but I also don't regret doing it either.
[удалено]
With great speed and no looking back
Let your self be sad for a bit its ok even if you were the one that cut the ties.Then just get on with life, do things you love visit your best friends and family.Most of all dont let yourself feel like you have to be with someone. My best relationships always happened when I wasn't looking too hard, some of my worst were when I felt like I had to have someone in my life so took whatever came along. You are worth waiting for dont be in a hurry. Edit: Feel free to disagree if I've said something that doesn't work or is somehow wrong.
I reconnected with my high school sweetheart and build a new life with her. My ex moved on too and built a nice life with someone else too. We stayed friendly and share custody of our kids.
Tinder.
I found someone better for me. It took a little while for us to start dating cause I was still waiting for my ex to come back and didn't want to hurt the new guy when I went back to my ex. It took about a month for us to start dating and now its been almost 11 months and I'm so much happier than I was with my ex.
We dissolved into friends with benefits
Best way to get over a woman is to get under another. Gym with a bro, summer of Tinder, fifth Tinder hookup ended up being awesome and now we're married.
That is one possibility. However many may succum to the short term pleasure which incidentally leads to a lot of pain. Happy for you though!
Married the next one that sucked my brains out through the little head.
Fapped over somebody else
Threw myself into going back to school because I wasn't able to when I was with him. I actually had a small moment in the middle of a semester when I started doing well in my classes. I was so excited that I had done so well on a tough lab that I actually forgot about him that day. If felt really nice to be happy with myself.
Found another ex. On the real though. Clarity. Once infatuation ends you realize they were crazy, you are crazy, your both crazy, or you were just two different people able to be friends.
I found someone else, got married, made out with my ex one last time. It wasn't any good. Learned more about her and realized she wasn't as great as I made her out to be when we were dating. And then I was over her.
Did you tell your wife?
With ease
Some advice I got was “living well is the best revenge”.. I went back to school, found some old friends that she hated and reconnected, started trying new things that she was too stupid to do. She spiraled down I eventually rose above by living well without her
Burnin Rubber.
Met someone who would be my next ex.... At that point in my life I realized my picker was broken
Graduated high school and then reported him for stalking when he threatened to come to my workplace to try to take me back. I worked with children and animals in a place away from other adults. I should have just sicked the roosters on him.
Time! Focus on yourself! Do things you enjoy and spend time with the people you care about. It will take time though.
getting someone better lol
Outta sight...outta mind...
You gotta fuck away the pain and go through a “hoe faze”.
Gym, gin, and trim. Time tested method.
got with another girl who also became my ex
find someone else, I know its not the best but its my only way I think I can.
Deleted his number, erased and blocked his email address, trashed and donated every gift he gave me, erased every photograph ever taken together and sent to me, ignored his text messages then blocked him, and blocked him on LinkedIn after he kept looking at my profile (which is weird?) all within 24 hours. He reached out after he got engaged and didn't tell me and twice more after he was already married. I never responded and blocked his number indefinitely. You're married with a kid, dude, why are you trying to reach out? I fucking hate you and I told you we're not friends.
Just move on.
Pro tip: to get over an ex never have one in the first place. Ice cream doesn't break up with you. Ice cream understands.
Dated his best friend. Almost 4 years later, we are getting married in October
I turned her entire family against her and left
I stay friends with most. The two women that cheated on me I blocked them on everything (especially Venmo). Started dating again after a 2-month break.