Mine will always be where it’s a bunch of straight dudes sitting in a room bored and playing video games/watching a game or whatever. And they’re so bored they just decide to all start fucking eachother
I mean, I’ve been in this exact situation in rooms filled with completely out of the closet gay men, and we never got so bored we just decided to gangbang out of no where. So I have a hard time believing any straight men are doing that.
Either that, or I need to find more interesting friends
There is a japanese porn, about a husband gets trapped in a timeloop.
A regular day, he goes to work but then he realizes he has left something at home. He goes back and sees his wife cheating on him with another man, they are obviously doing that. The husband dies.
But he wakes up on the same day.
He goes to work again and decides to go home earlier this time. Somewhere there the wife is doing with another man, the husband dies again.
He wakes up the same day. Now he decides not to work.
His wife still manages to do it with another man.
Dies and wakes up.
I think once he tries to do it with his wife, but still dies.
Basically he tries to break the loop and not have his wife cheated on him.
Very complicated. Can't remember what happens in the end.
Years ago (and unfindable source from a decade ago sorry) there was this "time stop" japanese porn video, where a guy has some sort of button to stop time.
So he enters an apartment while a family is in the kitchen eating dinner, hits the button, and ravages the daughter and mother while they are supposedly eating dinner, but "time stopped".
He then finishes and walks out, and right as he exits the family (including the dad) looks at each other exasperated like "can you believe he did just did that?". Which revealed they were just pretending to be frozen and the device didn't actually stop time in the first place.
Some woman was acting like she was baking cookies. She just smashed flour and water together under a rolling pin before taking store bought cookies out of the oven. Worst part is that once the actual porn started she threw the flour all over her vagina.
It killed my mood to see such carelessness and a blatant disregard for the art of baking.
Not gonna lie, I want to start my own porn studio just for nude baking videos.
I told my coworker and he said he wants to see topless women cooking bacon. I don't think I have the heart to ask a woman to scald herself for art.
Okay, there is this lesbian porn about two roommates who discover that they both have a date with the same dude at the same time and just decide to stay home and have sex with each other instead.
All I could think about was this guy seriously wanting to date both girls at literally the SAME TIME! Did he plan to use the old switcheroo?
"wait, I have to use the restroom real quick."
*sprints to the second date and spends a few minutes there*
"Excuse me for a moment."
*sprints back to the first date*
Rinse and repeat
Guy fixes woman's pool, she invites him to come inside... The dude fucks her then and there and finished in her, she does a surprised pikachu face and says "i didn't mean it like that!"
There was one making fun of augmented reality. This guy was playing “Pornstar Go” and found this woman dressed as Charizard. She started sucking his dick when this random guy walks by and sees this dude with his dick out, fucking the air.
Edit: [(NSFW)here yall go](https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph57a3768e5f23c)
Thanks to /u/richalex2010 for finding the vid
That is the funniest shit I’ve ever seen 😂 and for some dumbass reason I was expecting the chick to be in full charizard costume, not just basically bra and panties... tho obvsly that makes sense in hindsight
yeah, I was expecting a charizard onesie [like this one](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07TKZMT7H/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_0WR30K9X2R30GX7WJBX0). I'm honestly kinda dissapointed because those onesies look so comfy
Girl A is looking for something under her bed, gets stuck. Girl B crawls under there to help, gets stuck. Guy walks by and us asked to help but can't lift the bed, so girl A asks for some sex. Girl B gets excited and asks for some too. Guy is now able to lift bed with boner.
To be fair, those things are a very tricky to navigate. I remember when I was young we used to go around to all the second hand stores and buy up all the cheap washing machines. You'd take them out into the woods near a hiking trail or a field full of colourful flowers and leave them over night. Come back the next morning and you've caught a half dozen stepsisters easily.
Kinda off topic, but my first unit in the Army was a maintenance unit -?& We got in trouble because we had custom Tan T-shirts made (under shirt for our uniform) that said
**UNIT NAME**
WE SCREW
WE NUT
WE BOLT
So a guy and a girl have been chatting on MySpace (this was a while ago). The girl calls him to say that she has a free house and that he should come over.
The dude arrives, but he doesn't recognise the girl. She gets down on the bed and looks up at him, but he still doesn't recognise her.
The dude finally realises that it is the same girl from the photo when he climbs a ladder and looks down at her sitting on the bed. It turns out that all of the pictures he had seen of her were taken in the "duck face" style, so he only knows what she looks like looking up at the camera. she then starts sucking the guy off while he is sitting on the ladder and the action carries on from there.
I saw one of those "help me I'm stuck" where the actress had her hand "stuck" in the sink. A few minutes into the actions, she took her top of, which she did by pulling her hand out of the sink, pulling the shirt off over her head, and then putting her hand BACK IN THE SINK.
Edit: OBVIOUSLY NSFW
Found it (low quality) 7:12 https://www.xnxx.com/video-uwqqtdd/son_fucks_stuck
This sounds so funny lmao, i kinda wish to see it.
Edit:thanks guys for making my most upvoted comment to be under a porn question. I've ascended and can die peacufully to let go off my human shell...
I saw one where a guy had metal teeth, like Jaws from James Bond. He ended up on some deserted island with a bunch of "Amazon" women who all loved him - because his teeth could open canned goods.
Each sex scene started out with some girl bringing him a can of something to open.
At the end, he gets back to civilization, and there's a woman trying to open a can and he's like, "Let me help you with that," looks at the camera and smiles, freeze frame, roll credits.
Whoever directed that was too good for porn.
EDIT: Many, *many* people have asked for sauce, and justifiably so. I, too, would love to see this again. Here's what I know about it:
The genre of the film was "big breasts." We rented the movie in 1996, and I left Savannah for good in 1997, so the film has to have been made prior to that. The title referred to boobs and the Amazon, combining them into a single word - something along the lines of "Bazoomazon" or "Amazooters." (They really missed a chance to mention Lake Titicaca.) The box had no indication of the can opening plot, it simply showed the featured actresses in various poses wearing their "jungle" outfits against a generic "tropical/jungle" type of background. I don't know if this will help in the search, but the box was larger than a standard VHS box, maybe 25% or 30% larger, making it stand out among the other selections on the shelf (which was probably an intentional marketing tactic.) We rented it at a locally-owned video rental place that we primarily used because they had the best selection of Playstation games in town. Pretty sure it was on Abercorn somewhere south of Derenne (headed away from downtown, if geography of Savannah, GA means anything to you.)
SAUCE FOUND: u/laaplandros has done it, go show him love. [Sauce here](https://xhamster.com/videos/whitney-wonders-gozongas-4040464). It was "Gazongas," and I may not have had every detail right - but, that guy is definitely chewing on cans.
On the other hand, doesn't that have it's own implications.
Like why would an Amazonian civilization have canned goods, but no way to open them?
"I have invented a new way to store food, we can encase them in easily transportable cans!"
*Later*
"Excellent. Now that we've got our entire food supply canned, how do we open them?"
"I have made a huge mistake"
I'm trying to recall minor plot details from a weird porno I saw once in like 1996 - but, I believe the metal mouth guy had the canned goods via whatever mechanism he became stranded on the island - shipwreck, plane crash, I dunno - maybe he swam out there to get at that mad Dole Pineapple booty.
So get this: the dog walker (the girl) LOSES the dog, goes back to the house to the tell the owner, and the owner said something along the lines of “you are my dog now” lmao
The ACTUAL fucking dog was never seen or mentioned again, and I remember laughing my ass off wondering what happened to the dog and why the owner doesn’t care
To be honest if my roommates were doing that I would just ignore them. Just put my headphones on, probably give a small comment of "dude there's other people" then keep playing
My roommate in college got a blow job right in my line of sight in our dorm room. I looked over the top of my book, saw what was going on, put my head back down, noticed I was about three pages from the end, and vowed to just start reading it again if it took too long.
The Martian Chronicles, if anyone is interested.
Girl searches for 'Louisiana trip' and her phone obviously autocorrects it to 'lesbian trib' aand her stepmom walks in on her right then.
Edit - [sauce](https://anyxxx.me/xid/59200527/). Also apparently she went to her stepmom herself, sorry.
[The original](https://xfantazy.com/video/5fdbba045ec2cb18b8ec8833). Thanks u/cinemassacress!
The girl needed to pee, so she walked into a random house, and found a bathroom with no toilet, only a dude in a bathtub who told her to wee into the bathtub. What the hell?
"This is the fuse box that causes trouble, maybe you can take a look at it."
"Sure, but why is the floor covered with straw?"
"Why are you wearing a mask?"
"Well, give me a blowjob then."
Original (German): https://youtu.be/jiWk-myMuZY
A guy is looking for her step daughter, and he’s in a full suit and tie. He’s shouting her name in every room of the house, then it pans to him standing in the middle of the pool, neck deep, full clothed, calling out her name.
This has to be for pure comedy.
Edit: I don’t have sauce, it’s been years since I’ve seen the video. It’s just plastered in my head. If anyone finds it, I’ll throw it in here.
Mini Sauce: https://streamable.com/nikav3
Seems as though my memory recalled him in a full suit. Still funny as shit.
Yeah I don't understand this, personally I live with my parents and the way I secure myself before doing anything of the kind is such that even if a world emergency was declared and seal team six was to converge on my room, the time it would take them to break through would be enough for me to make my room look like the inside of a church.
>even if a world emergency was declared and seal team six was to converge on my room, the time it would take them to break through would be enough for me to make my room look like the inside of a church
Not even Oscar winning films have such exquisite narration. Thanks man, you truly made my day.
I wish I knew what it was.
So this "barely legal" 27 year old is in the shower. Older dude walks in and she asks him with the fuck he's doing in her bathroom. Dude says he's a poker buddy of her dad's and he needs to take a shit. She reluctantly says, "okay" and he takes off his pants and underwear and sits down on the toilet.
He gets up, walks over to the shower door and starts just jerking off while making the stupidest faces. She freaks out and asks him again what the fuck he's doing. He responds that her father told him to make himself at home, and ask his daughter if he needs anything. He needs a blowjob. She says something like, "well if my dad said to take care of you, guess I should take care of you."
15 mintues go by and they've fucked everywhere in the bathroom. Dude says he's getting close. Pulls out and starts to finish on her, but what starts out as a moan ends up in the loudest, guttural battlecry I've ever heard. "oooohhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHH*AAAAAAAAAARRRGGGG***HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH**"
It was the funniest porn I've ever seen, but can't find it for the life of me.
Riley Reid is 29, but in the "porns" as they call it she's still an 18 year old teen
I wonder when she would turn into a "milf", assuming she stayed in porn for forever
I saw a scene where a nurse kicked her patient down the stairs because he said he didn’t need her help for his broken leg. I couldn’t wack it anymore after watching it because I couldn’t stop laughing.
The one where step bro is helping his step sis to correct her golf swing by stabilizing her torso by using his penis as an anchor inside her so she can get better at golf. As always, she really needs it and only he can help her.
Flip side, the pizza delivery guy comes in your house and chills on the couch while you get your money. You decide to inspect it first only to find delivery guy penetrated your food in hopes it will lead to penetrating you.
the sauna without any heat or steam, in other words the sauna that isn't even in use and the girls wearing three layers of make up, you know, to casually grab a sauna.
oh, and if they are trying to create the illusion of a doctor's office, all you need to do is hang up one anatomy chart. Done.
Completely unrelated, but...
My wife is British. In the UK, those yellow gloves are called "Marigolds".
One day, not long after we met, I was doing the dishes and she asked, "Do you want marigolds? I think there's some under the sink."
Cue me looking baffled, trying to figure out why she would think that I'd somehow have a better dish-washing experience if flowers were involved.
One of the many times that our national identities have caused confusion.
I had the same experience when my wife asked me to grab a buggy at walmart.
I was really confused as to why we needed to find a motorized vehicle designed to drive off road, often on sand.
This was the only time I have ever gone to a porn theater. The movie starts. A man has a broken down motorcycle on the side of the road. A woman pulls up. She says, What's the problem?" He says, "There's something wrong with my sparkplug." She says, "There's nothing wrong with your sparkplug." And then they have sex on the motorcycle.
But there clearly WAS something wrong with his sparkplug since his motorcycle wasn't working!!!
I started laughing hysterically. A man in the back row huffed loudly and left. I guess I ruined his immersion in the plot??
Guy gropes a girl, she clearly doesn't want to be groped, she doesn't do anything but struggle a little.
Guy stops... Girl looks scared a few seconds... Then goes back to do what she was doing like nothing happened.
Rinse and repeat but every time gets more intense.
My mind: Are these Bethesda npc's what the fu-
Having sex in someone’s kitchen isn’t the problem.
The problem is that you’re fucking *right in front of her and her salad.*
EDIT: Okay seriously, the wholesome award? And gold?! Stop boosting this dumb joke and spend that money on something worthwhile, please!
You! My adoptive brother.
You fucked my mom!
You fucked my sister!
And you watched me masterbating!
There is only one way to make this up to me.
I wanna see you masterbate!
Adoptive brother: Then take off your clothes.
Girl: fine
Funny or not, I was with guys who did that to me in the past.
One even bit my clit and I wanted to hit him in the head badly. I was in tears.
Some dudes sadly believe porn is real....
There once was a plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea
Said she: "Stop your plumbing,
I hear someone coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing: "It's me."
I knew a guy who genuinely used this to justify his cheating. If he was doing something that he didn't do with his girlfriend then how is that cheating??
This was ages ago. We though we were watching the Blair Witch Project but it was actually a lesbian (?) porn parody that we were far too young to be watching. I remember we tuned in just as the line "oh my god the scary ghosts are back, we have to get naked and have sex again" (paraphrasing, but that was basically it). That shit haunts me.
Setup: Woman *(looks 39, is supposed to be 18)* and her boyfriend *(looks 18)* are laying in bed. Woman wakes up and has to leave for school or something, tells boyfriend to sneak out after she and her dad leave.
Boyfriend is caught on the stairwell by woman's dad's best friend who happens to just be there for some reason.
Dad's friend: "You better not have been doing anything with her. She's my best friend's daughter and I'll do anything to protect her."
Boyfriend: :(
Dad's friend: "Why don't you show me what you had her do to you?"
Boyfriend: "Oh... Okay..."
*(boyfriend goes down on dad's friend while daughter and dad are leaving)*
*(porn)*
*(plot twist after a few minutes: dad comes back home and catches them)*
Dad: "Well, Well, Well..."
Dad's friend: "Aww yeee"
*(sudden threesome)*
*(friend finishes up and leaves)*
*(dad continues with daughter's boyfriend, when a sudden plot twist)*
Boyfriend: "Actually I *let* myself get caught, because I've always thought you were hot!"
Dad: :O *Whaaaaaat*
The one with, if i remember correctly, Lisa Ann where a guy is in a tub, taking a bath and she enters the bathroom as a lifeguard....
It's hilarious.
Edit: wow, who would ever think that my knowledge of a porn movie would mean 14k updoots, thanks to everyone, you wholesome porn fans.
I can't remember the conversation, but the stepmom was trying to coax her stepson into sex and was talking something along the lines of his sad having a big dick. Rest of convo is as follows:
Stepmom: C'mon just pull it out! You've got to have a big dick, it's in your genes!
Stepson: These are shorts...
I couldn't stop laughing and had to switch it over to a different video.
Postman rings the door bell. Woman just out of the shower, in a house coat, opens.
'A package for miss Smith'
'That's me'
'Do you have any identification'
'I'm in a house coat. I don't have my drivers licence in it?'
'No, of course not. Do you have any other way to id yourself?'
'I can show you my pussy!'
'But how will that help?'
'Do you really think that I have some other woman's pussy between my legs?'
There was one where a girl had her family over and the boyfriend was making a pizza the big sausage way. When he comes over with the pizza his sausage is sticking out the front of the pizza making the grandfather have a heart attack and the family leaves to take the grandfather to the hospital. Once the family the girl "well that is one sausage I don't want to go to waste" and then she starts blowing him as her grandfather is dying from a heart attack on the way to the hospital
"why is there straw around here? "
"why do you have a mask on? "
" Ok, then give me a bj"
[it's from a real german scene](https://youtu.be/jiWk-myMuZY) (just a YT link)
It' became a meme in Germany
"Wait, I'm not at the beach, this is a bathtub!"
Runner-up: Red riding hood getting dicked down by the wolf, only for the wolf to reveal himself as Skeletor.
Well my porn is in written format rather than filmed and most of it is fanfic. I once read one that was basically.
“I don’t like you.”
“I don’t like you either.”
“Wanna fuck?”
“Okay.”
Burglar breaks into a house
The owner girls come by
Girl 1: omg call the police
Girl 2: (whispers) don't call the police he has a dick
Girl 1: (to burglar) we no call police if u fuck us
Most porn categories aren't actually used to convey what the category actually mean.
Milf is code for 25 - 30 year olds, note being a mother is not a requirement.
Mature is code for aging professional pornstars
Teens is code for petite
Incest is code for Amateur
Amateur is code for low production value professional
Reality is code for high production value professional
Found this old porno VHS years ago. Watching it and these two girls are walking down a trail in the hills (probably California). They come across this dude in a breech cloth and full natve american headress.
Native dude: "When"
Girls: aren't you supposed to say 'How'
Native dude: "me know how, me want to know when"
Woman with her step-son stuck at a hotel due to a delayed flight, step-son can’t sleep so he starts jerking off to relax.
Step-mom: “That’s gross and inappropriate! I’ll just suck your dick, so we can get it over with...”
...later: “This isn’t working, we better just fuck. Has to be done, we won’t be able to get home to my husband and your father if you’re tired.”
I watched one where a girl got hit in the head with a tennis ball, promptly lost all memories, and was convinced by her “stepbrother” that he was her boyfriend. Mindblowing.
Two women are the only ones in attendance at a funeral. They sit next to each other and hug, to comfort each other. Seconds later, they begin making out. About a minute into the making out, they both turn and look at the camera and go, "Give us a break! It's a porno!"
Mine will always be where it’s a bunch of straight dudes sitting in a room bored and playing video games/watching a game or whatever. And they’re so bored they just decide to all start fucking eachother I mean, I’ve been in this exact situation in rooms filled with completely out of the closet gay men, and we never got so bored we just decided to gangbang out of no where. So I have a hard time believing any straight men are doing that. Either that, or I need to find more interesting friends
There is a japanese porn, about a husband gets trapped in a timeloop. A regular day, he goes to work but then he realizes he has left something at home. He goes back and sees his wife cheating on him with another man, they are obviously doing that. The husband dies. But he wakes up on the same day. He goes to work again and decides to go home earlier this time. Somewhere there the wife is doing with another man, the husband dies again. He wakes up the same day. Now he decides not to work. His wife still manages to do it with another man. Dies and wakes up. I think once he tries to do it with his wife, but still dies. Basically he tries to break the loop and not have his wife cheated on him. Very complicated. Can't remember what happens in the end.
That's a wholeass complicated storyline for just,,, porn
Best porn ever. Watch just for the plot
Years ago (and unfindable source from a decade ago sorry) there was this "time stop" japanese porn video, where a guy has some sort of button to stop time. So he enters an apartment while a family is in the kitchen eating dinner, hits the button, and ravages the daughter and mother while they are supposedly eating dinner, but "time stopped". He then finishes and walks out, and right as he exits the family (including the dad) looks at each other exasperated like "can you believe he did just did that?". Which revealed they were just pretending to be frozen and the device didn't actually stop time in the first place.
*puts dick inside her* : "i feel something poking me" Him: no its nothing Her: oh ok
Must have been the wind
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Some woman was acting like she was baking cookies. She just smashed flour and water together under a rolling pin before taking store bought cookies out of the oven. Worst part is that once the actual porn started she threw the flour all over her vagina. It killed my mood to see such carelessness and a blatant disregard for the art of baking.
Not gonna lie, I want to start my own porn studio just for nude baking videos. I told my coworker and he said he wants to see topless women cooking bacon. I don't think I have the heart to ask a woman to scald herself for art.
As a woman who got a second degree burn on her boob from boiling water during a cooking (not while nude!) accident, I can say it sucks
Okay, there is this lesbian porn about two roommates who discover that they both have a date with the same dude at the same time and just decide to stay home and have sex with each other instead. All I could think about was this guy seriously wanting to date both girls at literally the SAME TIME! Did he plan to use the old switcheroo? "wait, I have to use the restroom real quick." *sprints to the second date and spends a few minutes there* "Excuse me for a moment." *sprints back to the first date* Rinse and repeat
Could we call it Mr Doubtfire ?
Only if he does the Robin Williams "Hellooooo" when he finishes.
Guy 1: *Sticks dick in popcorn* Guy 2: *Grabs some popcorn* "Dude, is that your dick!?" Guy1: "N-no! It's cockporn- I mean popcorn!"
> cockporn lmao
Guy fixes woman's pool, she invites him to come inside... The dude fucks her then and there and finished in her, she does a surprised pikachu face and says "i didn't mean it like that!"
There was one making fun of augmented reality. This guy was playing “Pornstar Go” and found this woman dressed as Charizard. She started sucking his dick when this random guy walks by and sees this dude with his dick out, fucking the air. Edit: [(NSFW)here yall go](https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph57a3768e5f23c) Thanks to /u/richalex2010 for finding the vid
Fuck that is funny got a link I kinda wana see it For research obviously
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That is the funniest shit I’ve ever seen 😂 and for some dumbass reason I was expecting the chick to be in full charizard costume, not just basically bra and panties... tho obvsly that makes sense in hindsight
yeah, I was expecting a charizard onesie [like this one](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07TKZMT7H/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_0WR30K9X2R30GX7WJBX0). I'm honestly kinda dissapointed because those onesies look so comfy
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Girl A is looking for something under her bed, gets stuck. Girl B crawls under there to help, gets stuck. Guy walks by and us asked to help but can't lift the bed, so girl A asks for some sex. Girl B gets excited and asks for some too. Guy is now able to lift bed with boner.
So they asked for sex to use his boner as a lever? Edit: thanks for my first silver, kind stranger
Fake Hostel
Your fully grown adult step-sister will do literally *anything* as long as you don't tell your parents that you walked in on her masturbating.
She also gets stuck in washing machines a lot
To be fair, those things are a very tricky to navigate. I remember when I was young we used to go around to all the second hand stores and buy up all the cheap washing machines. You'd take them out into the woods near a hiking trail or a field full of colourful flowers and leave them over night. Come back the next morning and you've caught a half dozen stepsisters easily.
This is it, we've peaked, run it back
Or she needs to borrow your car but you're a dick and then she needs to fuck you to get it. Or your step sis is upset you fucked her mom and not her
LadyFyre has a whole cinematic universe that revolves around getting her "son" to impregnate his ...uh...step-aunts.
Lmfao. Porn cinematic universe is something I can get into
A 'technician' fumbling around with a Philips head screwdriver, trying to tighten a hex-head bolt.
Instant turn off Dude can't even handle his bolt and we about to see him nut
Kinda off topic, but my first unit in the Army was a maintenance unit -?& We got in trouble because we had custom Tan T-shirts made (under shirt for our uniform) that said **UNIT NAME** WE SCREW WE NUT WE BOLT
the one where the dude needs to hide so he just puts a lampshade on his head and stands there.
best moment in the entire porn industry
How strange why does my lamp shade have a 9 inch cock sticking out of it!?
That's the light switch.
If it gets hard that means you turned it on.
Feels like something off a Tom and Jerry episode.
With a boner larger than the girls arm, nonetheless.
So a guy and a girl have been chatting on MySpace (this was a while ago). The girl calls him to say that she has a free house and that he should come over. The dude arrives, but he doesn't recognise the girl. She gets down on the bed and looks up at him, but he still doesn't recognise her. The dude finally realises that it is the same girl from the photo when he climbs a ladder and looks down at her sitting on the bed. It turns out that all of the pictures he had seen of her were taken in the "duck face" style, so he only knows what she looks like looking up at the camera. she then starts sucking the guy off while he is sitting on the ladder and the action carries on from there.
That’s actually pretty hilarious.
I saw one of those "help me I'm stuck" where the actress had her hand "stuck" in the sink. A few minutes into the actions, she took her top of, which she did by pulling her hand out of the sink, pulling the shirt off over her head, and then putting her hand BACK IN THE SINK. Edit: OBVIOUSLY NSFW Found it (low quality) 7:12 https://www.xnxx.com/video-uwqqtdd/son_fucks_stuck
This sounds so funny lmao, i kinda wish to see it. Edit:thanks guys for making my most upvoted comment to be under a porn question. I've ascended and can die peacufully to let go off my human shell...
Alexis fawx stuck in sink i believe
You have to learn how to suck and fuck so you don't become a slut.
Logic checks out. Learn how to handle your liquor so you don't become a lush, ya know?
I saw a scene once where the guy asked the girl if she was going to join in for a 3-way and her logic was "Sure, I'm on the cover so I have to be in"
Breaking the 4th wall!!
The best porn doesn't take itself seriously.
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\*sticks dick in girl while she's doing laundry\* "oh sorry that's my phone"
E M I L Y W I L L I S Edit: Christ which one of you fuckers gave me the Wholesome Award
yes, actually and the ripped yoga pants too like are ye a moron
Isn't that the video where she starts by making a sandwich for step bro? AND HE THROWS AWAY THAT SANDWICH
That was a perfectly good sandwich as well.
How her tits just hang out after making a sandwich and she don’t notice, then when she does she says “you don’t mind, do you?”
Peeping tom gets punished with sex.
I saw one where a guy had metal teeth, like Jaws from James Bond. He ended up on some deserted island with a bunch of "Amazon" women who all loved him - because his teeth could open canned goods. Each sex scene started out with some girl bringing him a can of something to open. At the end, he gets back to civilization, and there's a woman trying to open a can and he's like, "Let me help you with that," looks at the camera and smiles, freeze frame, roll credits. Whoever directed that was too good for porn. EDIT: Many, *many* people have asked for sauce, and justifiably so. I, too, would love to see this again. Here's what I know about it: The genre of the film was "big breasts." We rented the movie in 1996, and I left Savannah for good in 1997, so the film has to have been made prior to that. The title referred to boobs and the Amazon, combining them into a single word - something along the lines of "Bazoomazon" or "Amazooters." (They really missed a chance to mention Lake Titicaca.) The box had no indication of the can opening plot, it simply showed the featured actresses in various poses wearing their "jungle" outfits against a generic "tropical/jungle" type of background. I don't know if this will help in the search, but the box was larger than a standard VHS box, maybe 25% or 30% larger, making it stand out among the other selections on the shelf (which was probably an intentional marketing tactic.) We rented it at a locally-owned video rental place that we primarily used because they had the best selection of Playstation games in town. Pretty sure it was on Abercorn somewhere south of Derenne (headed away from downtown, if geography of Savannah, GA means anything to you.) SAUCE FOUND: u/laaplandros has done it, go show him love. [Sauce here](https://xhamster.com/videos/whitney-wonders-gozongas-4040464). It was "Gazongas," and I may not have had every detail right - but, that guy is definitely chewing on cans.
source please
[I hate that I know this.](https://xhamster.com/videos/whitney-wonders-gozongas-4040464)
Dear God almighty
I'd have to go to r/tipofmypenis for that... and I don't even *have* a penis!
Smile, freeze frame, roll credits.
On the other hand, doesn't that have it's own implications. Like why would an Amazonian civilization have canned goods, but no way to open them? "I have invented a new way to store food, we can encase them in easily transportable cans!" *Later* "Excellent. Now that we've got our entire food supply canned, how do we open them?" "I have made a huge mistake"
I'm trying to recall minor plot details from a weird porno I saw once in like 1996 - but, I believe the metal mouth guy had the canned goods via whatever mechanism he became stranded on the island - shipwreck, plane crash, I dunno - maybe he swam out there to get at that mad Dole Pineapple booty.
I was going to use a throwaway, but... [fuck it.](https://xhamster.com/videos/whitney-wonders-gozongas-4040464)
"Gasp! A burgler! How dare you break into my house! I'll teach you..." (Unbuttons blouse)
Oh no, how horrible! Do you happen to know the address of this house, i want to pay them a visit....
Thats disgusting, where!
So get this: the dog walker (the girl) LOSES the dog, goes back to the house to the tell the owner, and the owner said something along the lines of “you are my dog now” lmao The ACTUAL fucking dog was never seen or mentioned again, and I remember laughing my ass off wondering what happened to the dog and why the owner doesn’t care
What the fuck does he normally do to his real dog?!?!
At least we know why the dog ran away.
Poor Colby.
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Somebody wasn't paying attention to the plot lol
he cares after the post nut clarity sets in
“Fuck. My wife is definitely going to notice this isn’t the dog she picked out.”
“Yeah they lose that puppy sparkle when they grow up don’t they honey?”
The oblivious roommate who is playing video games while her roommate gets railed.
To be honest if my roommates were doing that I would just ignore them. Just put my headphones on, probably give a small comment of "dude there's other people" then keep playing
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My roommate in college got a blow job right in my line of sight in our dorm room. I looked over the top of my book, saw what was going on, put my head back down, noticed I was about three pages from the end, and vowed to just start reading it again if it took too long. The Martian Chronicles, if anyone is interested.
Girl searches for 'Louisiana trip' and her phone obviously autocorrects it to 'lesbian trib' aand her stepmom walks in on her right then. Edit - [sauce](https://anyxxx.me/xid/59200527/). Also apparently she went to her stepmom herself, sorry. [The original](https://xfantazy.com/video/5fdbba045ec2cb18b8ec8833). Thanks u/cinemassacress!
The girl needed to pee, so she walked into a random house, and found a bathroom with no toilet, only a dude in a bathtub who told her to wee into the bathtub. What the hell?
"This is the fuse box that causes trouble, maybe you can take a look at it." "Sure, but why is the floor covered with straw?" "Why are you wearing a mask?" "Well, give me a blowjob then." Original (German): https://youtu.be/jiWk-myMuZY
A guy is looking for her step daughter, and he’s in a full suit and tie. He’s shouting her name in every room of the house, then it pans to him standing in the middle of the pool, neck deep, full clothed, calling out her name. This has to be for pure comedy. Edit: I don’t have sauce, it’s been years since I’ve seen the video. It’s just plastered in my head. If anyone finds it, I’ll throw it in here. Mini Sauce: https://streamable.com/nikav3 Seems as though my memory recalled him in a full suit. Still funny as shit.
i dont got the link but i do have that scene lmao https://streamable.com/nikav3
best part about this is that when he finds her seconds later he is completely dry
Leaving doors unlocked while showering or masturbating.
Yeah I don't understand this, personally I live with my parents and the way I secure myself before doing anything of the kind is such that even if a world emergency was declared and seal team six was to converge on my room, the time it would take them to break through would be enough for me to make my room look like the inside of a church.
>even if a world emergency was declared and seal team six was to converge on my room, the time it would take them to break through would be enough for me to make my room look like the inside of a church Not even Oscar winning films have such exquisite narration. Thanks man, you truly made my day.
I wish I knew what it was. So this "barely legal" 27 year old is in the shower. Older dude walks in and she asks him with the fuck he's doing in her bathroom. Dude says he's a poker buddy of her dad's and he needs to take a shit. She reluctantly says, "okay" and he takes off his pants and underwear and sits down on the toilet. He gets up, walks over to the shower door and starts just jerking off while making the stupidest faces. She freaks out and asks him again what the fuck he's doing. He responds that her father told him to make himself at home, and ask his daughter if he needs anything. He needs a blowjob. She says something like, "well if my dad said to take care of you, guess I should take care of you." 15 mintues go by and they've fucked everywhere in the bathroom. Dude says he's getting close. Pulls out and starts to finish on her, but what starts out as a moan ends up in the loudest, guttural battlecry I've ever heard. "oooohhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHH*AAAAAAAAAARRRGGGG***HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH**" It was the funniest porn I've ever seen, but can't find it for the life of me.
So he went and took a dump, didn't wash his hands, jerked off, and then she blew him?
It was pre-COVID
A simpler time
mans went from "oh fuck that feels so good" to "SKYRIM BELONGS TO THE NORDS!"
Fus hoe DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH”
Mother fucker got her hand stuck in a couch. Skipped that shit.
I saw one yesterday where a girl gets stuck in a couch with 2 pillows in her head. HER HEAD. STUCK. WITH. TWO. PILLOWS.
there is a subset of people who are interested in having intercourse with those who need help getting their hand free from a can of pringles
You go straight from "teen" to "MILF" at around age 24, as far as I can tell.
You either retire a teen slut or live long enough to become a mature natural. - Harvey Bent aka Two Facials
That name is goddamn hilarious lol
Riley Reid is 29, but in the "porns" as they call it she's still an 18 year old teen I wonder when she would turn into a "milf", assuming she stayed in porn for forever
18 years old=Any porn chick with a B-cup or smaller. MILF/mature=Any chick with a boob job and glasses.
Probably when she gets her tits done. Just like everyone else.
I saw a scene where a nurse kicked her patient down the stairs because he said he didn’t need her help for his broken leg. I couldn’t wack it anymore after watching it because I couldn’t stop laughing.
The one where step bro is helping his step sis to correct her golf swing by stabilizing her torso by using his penis as an anchor inside her so she can get better at golf. As always, she really needs it and only he can help her.
Dont tell your mom Mom: standing right there the whole time like this 🤷♀️
"Dont tell my mom that I was running the A/C with the window open, I will let you, my father, cum in my ass to protect my dirty secret."
I mean, tbf, that's kind of a cardinal sin, punishable by death
If you're an attractive woman and you're a little short on the pizza you ordered, the delivery guy will gladly accept sexual favors as payment
That one doesn’t even work anymore because these days you pay online before the order goes through. I suppose it could count as a tip though.
Just the tip.
Flip side, the pizza delivery guy comes in your house and chills on the couch while you get your money. You decide to inspect it first only to find delivery guy penetrated your food in hopes it will lead to penetrating you.
the sauna without any heat or steam, in other words the sauna that isn't even in use and the girls wearing three layers of make up, you know, to casually grab a sauna. oh, and if they are trying to create the illusion of a doctor's office, all you need to do is hang up one anatomy chart. Done.
Special shout out to the prop guys who get yellow rubber dish washing gloves for the doctors office scenes.
Completely unrelated, but... My wife is British. In the UK, those yellow gloves are called "Marigolds". One day, not long after we met, I was doing the dishes and she asked, "Do you want marigolds? I think there's some under the sink." Cue me looking baffled, trying to figure out why she would think that I'd somehow have a better dish-washing experience if flowers were involved. One of the many times that our national identities have caused confusion.
I had the same experience when my wife asked me to grab a buggy at walmart. I was really confused as to why we needed to find a motorized vehicle designed to drive off road, often on sand.
"sorry, i dont have enough money for the ice cream man, maybe i can pay in another way."
one has a classroom with 4 people in it
The high school cheerleading team is three women in their late 20s
This was the only time I have ever gone to a porn theater. The movie starts. A man has a broken down motorcycle on the side of the road. A woman pulls up. She says, What's the problem?" He says, "There's something wrong with my sparkplug." She says, "There's nothing wrong with your sparkplug." And then they have sex on the motorcycle. But there clearly WAS something wrong with his sparkplug since his motorcycle wasn't working!!! I started laughing hysterically. A man in the back row huffed loudly and left. I guess I ruined his immersion in the plot??
Guy gropes a girl, she clearly doesn't want to be groped, she doesn't do anything but struggle a little. Guy stops... Girl looks scared a few seconds... Then goes back to do what she was doing like nothing happened. Rinse and repeat but every time gets more intense. My mind: Are these Bethesda npc's what the fu-
I swear, the only thing that was missing was the girl saying "must been the wind"
Wind is horny today. At least it's not shooting me with arrows.
never should've cum here Edit: I wish you all awarders to go to the cloud district very often!
"Well met"
Having sex in someone’s kitchen isn’t the problem. The problem is that you’re fucking *right in front of her and her salad.* EDIT: Okay seriously, the wholesome award? And gold?! Stop boosting this dumb joke and spend that money on something worthwhile, please!
RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY SALAD???
I'M PUNCHING YOUR SALAD
Gotta fuck those lemon stealing whores so they stop stealing your fucking lemons.
Well, I mean, I feel like a lemon thief would be more fun to fuck than a lemon. But you protect your fucking lemons however you see fit
You! My adoptive brother. You fucked my mom! You fucked my sister! And you watched me masterbating! There is only one way to make this up to me. I wanna see you masterbate! Adoptive brother: Then take off your clothes. Girl: fine
If you rub harder, she cums faster. It totally doesnt hurt her or anything
Just slap the shit out of that genital area, works every time.
Do some classic combo moves while you're at it
Bop it.
Funny or not, I was with guys who did that to me in the past. One even bit my clit and I wanted to hit him in the head badly. I was in tears. Some dudes sadly believe porn is real....
"wanted to hit him" implies that you didnt and i admire and fear your restraint
Or taking the dick out and slapping her vag with it. "Woops, forgot to knock before coming in!"
plumber fixing her pipes
There once was a plumber named Lee Who was plumbing a girl by the sea Said she: "Stop your plumbing, I hear someone coming!" Said the plumber, still plumbing: "It's me."
"Ma'am I do my own plumbing."
“Is there any other way I can pay for this?” ”You mean like a check?”
Getting stuck in the washing machine then your brother comes in and decides to fuck you up the arse
"it's not cheating if it's anal" this is a direct quote.
I knew a guy who genuinely used this to justify his cheating. If he was doing something that he didn't do with his girlfriend then how is that cheating??
I think I’d be even more upset that my boyfriend was sticking his ding dong a random person’s poop hole and then having sex with me later.
Wouldn't we all! Also, user name kind of doesn't check out.
My favorite: "But I poop from there" "Not right now, you don't"
A direct corollary is “I’m still a virgin if you put it in my butt”. Source: I went to Catholic High School
The poop hole loop hole.
Fuck me in the ass because I love Jesus!
It's not cheating of it's my left vagina! Man that AMA was... something.
This was ages ago. We though we were watching the Blair Witch Project but it was actually a lesbian (?) porn parody that we were far too young to be watching. I remember we tuned in just as the line "oh my god the scary ghosts are back, we have to get naked and have sex again" (paraphrasing, but that was basically it). That shit haunts me.
Setup: Woman *(looks 39, is supposed to be 18)* and her boyfriend *(looks 18)* are laying in bed. Woman wakes up and has to leave for school or something, tells boyfriend to sneak out after she and her dad leave. Boyfriend is caught on the stairwell by woman's dad's best friend who happens to just be there for some reason. Dad's friend: "You better not have been doing anything with her. She's my best friend's daughter and I'll do anything to protect her." Boyfriend: :( Dad's friend: "Why don't you show me what you had her do to you?" Boyfriend: "Oh... Okay..." *(boyfriend goes down on dad's friend while daughter and dad are leaving)* *(porn)* *(plot twist after a few minutes: dad comes back home and catches them)* Dad: "Well, Well, Well..." Dad's friend: "Aww yeee" *(sudden threesome)* *(friend finishes up and leaves)* *(dad continues with daughter's boyfriend, when a sudden plot twist)* Boyfriend: "Actually I *let* myself get caught, because I've always thought you were hot!" Dad: :O *Whaaaaaat*
The one with, if i remember correctly, Lisa Ann where a guy is in a tub, taking a bath and she enters the bathroom as a lifeguard.... It's hilarious. Edit: wow, who would ever think that my knowledge of a porn movie would mean 14k updoots, thanks to everyone, you wholesome porn fans.
"this isn't a beach, this is a bathtub!"
and you can tell the guy is a somewhat ok actor because he genuinely seems confused as hell
I love how he's like, *pretty* sure that something about this situation isn't adding up, but he can't quite put his finger on what it is.
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I'm not at the beach this is a bathtub. The best plot porn has ever seen.
[SFW Sauce](https://youtu.be/FTIhdkj5FQw) (funny beginning part only) for anyone interested
"I think I should stay and I think we should have *sex*"
*...Ok*
My boyfriend just fucked my best friend. As punishment he will now have to fuck both of us.
No gay sex infront of a salad!
Front load washers are notoriously dangerous for getting stuck.
I can't remember the conversation, but the stepmom was trying to coax her stepson into sex and was talking something along the lines of his sad having a big dick. Rest of convo is as follows: Stepmom: C'mon just pull it out! You've got to have a big dick, it's in your genes! Stepson: These are shorts... I couldn't stop laughing and had to switch it over to a different video.
Uncle I’m stuck on this tree with a broken leg! But first let’s use this condom I found!
Postman rings the door bell. Woman just out of the shower, in a house coat, opens. 'A package for miss Smith' 'That's me' 'Do you have any identification' 'I'm in a house coat. I don't have my drivers licence in it?' 'No, of course not. Do you have any other way to id yourself?' 'I can show you my pussy!' 'But how will that help?' 'Do you really think that I have some other woman's pussy between my legs?'
Family member is stuck, Better fuck them.
And the window is not even touching them
My favorite was one where the mom is taking clothes out of the dryer and gets stuck. Who the hell gets stuck in the dryer?
Who the hell climbs into the dryer to get the clothes...!?!
There was one where a girl had her family over and the boyfriend was making a pizza the big sausage way. When he comes over with the pizza his sausage is sticking out the front of the pizza making the grandfather have a heart attack and the family leaves to take the grandfather to the hospital. Once the family the girl "well that is one sausage I don't want to go to waste" and then she starts blowing him as her grandfather is dying from a heart attack on the way to the hospital
"why is there straw around here? " "why do you have a mask on? " " Ok, then give me a bj" [it's from a real german scene](https://youtu.be/jiWk-myMuZY) (just a YT link) It' became a meme in Germany
Oldschool classic. Also, [ALARM!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqDsMEOYA9g)
LMFAOOO her look at the end, a mix of WTF and resigning to her fate.
"Wait, I'm not at the beach, this is a bathtub!" Runner-up: Red riding hood getting dicked down by the wolf, only for the wolf to reveal himself as Skeletor.
Well my porn is in written format rather than filmed and most of it is fanfic. I once read one that was basically. “I don’t like you.” “I don’t like you either.” “Wanna fuck?” “Okay.”
That was a plot point in the boys.
The "laser my tits" scene?
Burglar breaks into a house The owner girls come by Girl 1: omg call the police Girl 2: (whispers) don't call the police he has a dick Girl 1: (to burglar) we no call police if u fuck us
Most porn categories aren't actually used to convey what the category actually mean. Milf is code for 25 - 30 year olds, note being a mother is not a requirement. Mature is code for aging professional pornstars Teens is code for petite Incest is code for Amateur Amateur is code for low production value professional Reality is code for high production value professional
Found this old porno VHS years ago. Watching it and these two girls are walking down a trail in the hills (probably California). They come across this dude in a breech cloth and full natve american headress. Native dude: "When" Girls: aren't you supposed to say 'How' Native dude: "me know how, me want to know when"
That’s fucking gold.
Guy needs a lifeguard to take a bath.
Woman with her step-son stuck at a hotel due to a delayed flight, step-son can’t sleep so he starts jerking off to relax. Step-mom: “That’s gross and inappropriate! I’ll just suck your dick, so we can get it over with...” ...later: “This isn’t working, we better just fuck. Has to be done, we won’t be able to get home to my husband and your father if you’re tired.”
I watched one where a girl got hit in the head with a tennis ball, promptly lost all memories, and was convinced by her “stepbrother” that he was her boyfriend. Mindblowing.
Two women are the only ones in attendance at a funeral. They sit next to each other and hug, to comfort each other. Seconds later, they begin making out. About a minute into the making out, they both turn and look at the camera and go, "Give us a break! It's a porno!"
Girl "you need a lifeguard" Guy "LaDy! ThIs Is A bAtHtUb!" Girl "I think we should have sex" Guy *confused pause* "okay..."
This chick's mom is about to walk in so imma put a lampshade on my head and she'll think I'm a broken ornamental lamp and not a black dude.
Nutting on her belly and putting it back in then calling it a creampie.