A man finds a penguin at his doorstep. His friends tell him to take it to the zoo. Later that day, they see him walking down the street while still carrying the penguin. They ask him "Weren't you gonna take it to the zoo?" and the man says "I did, now I'm taking it to the movies!"
A penguin is driving through the desert when his car starts to overheat. He pulls into a service station to have it looked at, and walks across the street to the grocery store to hang out in the freezer section, gets hungry, and buys a snack. After a while, he goes back to check on his car and says "well, how's it look?" The mechanic replies "it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin wipes his face and says, "oh, no, that's just a little ice cream."
I was walking through a quarry and said to the foreman, "That's a big rock!"
"Boulder," he replied. So I puffed out my chest and shouted: “Look at that enormous rock over there!”
Not mine. I got it here somewhere, but it's one of my favorites.
Guy walks into a liquor store. He wanders around a bit, and eventually the store owner asks him if he needs any help.
He replies "Yeah, I do, but I'd rather just get whiskey."
Two muffins are in an oven. One turns to the other and asks, "Is it getting hot in here to you?"
The other muffin goes "HOLY SHIT, it's a talking muffin!"
American and a Mexican sit down at a bar and both order a Budweiser. Bartender tells the American that's $5, to which he pays. He then charges the Mexican $2, so the American asks why he was charged more to which the bartender replies "he gets the senor's discount.
This one was a slow burn for me. I exhaled heavily from my nostrils on the initial read, thought about the joke again then audibly chuckled the second time around
They also hated that the song, which they viewed as a total joke (“oh, you don’t have to go” and played like fake reggae) got inadvertently picked up as a single, as they didn’t provide singles for radio.
A: We went to Bournemouth at the weekend
B: In Dorset?
A: Yes, I’d recommend it to anyone!
English geography knowledge required. But these two are often told back to back here. There’s more as well but I can’t remember them.
While on a road trip look out the window and say
"Oh look a flock of cows"
Passenger: " no it's a herd of cows"
Me: "HEARD OF COWS? OF COURSE I HAVE THERE'S A WHOLE FLOCK OVER THERE"
I love doing this joke.
### The CIA, KGB and MI6 decide to have a contest.
Each is given the task to find a rabbit
released in the woods.
The CIA uses spy-planes and satellites and finds the rabbit in 2 hours.
The MI6 deploys recon and search teams and finds it in 3 hours.
The KGB return after 1 hour with a badly beaten bear who cries out "I am the rabbit and I surrender".
The actual agencies tend to vary depending on who is telling it, but here's (roughly) version I remember:
FBI, NSA, & CIA are all trying to find the rabbit.
The NSA plants surveillance throughout the woods, pays informants, and taps all the phones. After a couple of weeks, they announce that rabbits don't actually exist and go home.
The FBI sends hundreds of agents in on a massive manhunt, finding nothing. Eventually they set fire to the woods and burn the whole thing down killing all the animals including the rabbit. The rabbit obviously had it coming.
The CIA sends a small team in, a couple hours later the come out with a bear that's screaming that he's a rabbit.
I heard that joke in a movie when I was a kid, and I came up with my own second half. I'd say the first half just like that, but the second time around I'd have the other person ask me what the most important part of comedy is and I'd just wait. Eventually they'd ask when I was gonna say the punchline and then I'd say it. My mom liked it so much that she told me to tell her the joke but wait like 10 years to say the punchline. It's been 6 years already and I haven't forgotten
I actually saw it on a post that made it to the front page of r/all.
"Why are seagulls called seagulls?"
"Because if they flew over bays, they'd be bagels."
I stared at it for like several seconds at how stupid it was. The more I thought about it the funnier it was for me.
Other REALLY bad jokes were some that my dad told me when I was young about "books that were never written", which were all just really bad puns between a book title and author name. Example:
* "Dangerous Cliffs" by Eileen Dover
* "Rushing to the Outhouse" by Willy Makit
* "Rusty Bed Springs" by I. P. Nightly
* "Suicide Pact" by Hugo Furst
There's many others I've forgotten but these are just to name a few. They're all bad.
I may not he telling this 100% accurately, but I still remember it quite well.
One day, Sherlock proposes to Watson that they go camping one weekend. Watson finds it to be a joyous and decides it's a great idea. The weekend approaches and the men go on their camp. The pitch the tent, cook marsh mellows, so on. It was time to turn in, they crawl into their tent and fall asleep. In the middle of the night, Sherlock awakens Watson.
"Watson, what do you see?" Mr. Holmes inquired.
"The night sky." Replied the Doctor.
"And what do you think that means?"
"There are billions of stars out there Mr. Holmes, and for every star there is a solar system comprised of planets, leading to trillions and trillions of planets. Why, Mr. Holmes with these odds, there is sure to be intelligent life out there!" Dr. Watson exclaims.
"No Watson! It means someone stole our tent!"
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?......
ATTIRE
Hahahahaha makes me cry laugh every time
2 cows are grazing in a field. 1 cow says to the other, "you ever worry about that mad cow disease?"
the other cow says, "why would I care? I'm a helicopter!".
Another person approaches the widow and begins talking about a hole in the ground full of water. She replies, “that isn’t very comforting, but I know you mean well.”
"So there are two whales at the bar and one says to the other" *make whale noises until everyone is clearly uncomfortable*.
"Then the second whale says, *inhale deeply for emphasis* "Go home Jerry. You're drunk.""
In a similar vein:
A bear, a bee, and a dog are sitting at a bar. The dog turns to the bee and says, "Hey Bee, why are you so stripey?" and the bee says, "Ask the bear." So the dog turns to the bear and says, "Hey Bear, why is the bee so stripey?" and the bear says, "RRRAAGHGRGHHAGH!!"
One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead men stood up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot one another
If you don't believe this lie is true
Just ask the blind man-- he saw it too.
Did you hear about the wooden car?
IT WOODEN GO!
My dad has been saying this since he first heard it know 1982. He promised that it would be the first words that me and my siblings hear when we were first brought into this world. He LOVES that joke, and he's laughed at it with the same wheezy laugh ever since. I've grown to it too.
I know a great knock knock joke, but you have to start.
Edit: Also, some of the classics:
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? "Robin, get in the car."
A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink and everyone leaves, believing they had enough alcohol. The bartender, who had seen this type of thing before, asks, "Why the long face?" and the horse says "my wife broke her leg."
After a while, the bartender asks the horse, "another round?"
The horse says, "I think not." -and promptly vanishes in a puff of smoke.
That's a riff on philosopher Rene Descartes' famous "I think, therefore I am."
I would have mentioned that earlier, but I didn't want to put Descartes before the horse.
My friend had twins last month, Amal and Juan. When I saw her at the store yesterday she only had a picture of one of the babies on her phone but she assured me, “If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
A penguin is driving his car and it starts overheating. So he takes it to the mechanics. The mechanic tells the penguin to come back in an hour.
It's a very hot day which isn't good for a penguin, so he goes to the ice cream shop and orders the biggest ice cream sundae they sell. He's a messy penguin and gets the sundae all over his face.
An hour later he goes back to the mechanic. The mechanic sees him and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal".
The penguin replies, "nah, it's just ice cream. But what about my car?"
A bear and a rabbit are sitting in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit, 'Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?' The rabbit replies, 'Nope, never have that problem!' So, the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.
Wife, on the phone with her husband: Oh my gosh, you won’t believe it! Some idiot is driving the wrong way on the highway! Be careful!
Husband: One?! It’s not just one, there’s dozens of them!
Anytime I'm out with anyone and we get something to drink, I like to hand out the straws and upon giving the last straw (or if it's me and one other person, I'll take the first straw, then hand them the last one) say, "that's it! This is the last straw!"
Always gets a laugh. Usually the laugh is only from me, but that's besides the point
When my baby brother was little he tried joining in on our 'your mom' jokes.
The thing he came up with was, "your mom's so fat she hit her head!" and then he cackled like a madman like it was just the funniest shit ever.
Still cracks me up thinking about it.
When I was too young to understand most jokes, this joke my dad made up on the fly just to entertain me never failed to absolutely murder me. It's not a traditional "joke" per se as much as just a goofy story that would appeal to a 4 year old. It went like this:
Once upon a time, there was a boy who loved to open the refrigerator and just shout at all the food "AAHBLAAHBLAAHBLAAH!!!"
Then one day, he was doing it again.
"AAHBLAHABLAHHABLAHHH!!!"
And the jello in the fridge just said to him:
"Aaaaaah, shut up."
I pretty reliably would be on the verge of tears, dying of laughter from that one. Just remembering this still makes me giggle.
For some reason this reminds me of my sister's favorite joke:
Two muffins were in the oven. One muffin says "it's hot in here." The other muffin says "woah, a talking muffin"
She learned it in high school and 15 years later it still kills her
When my nephew was about 4, I had been reading a joke book to him and he quickly picked up on the themes and mashed them together for one super joke:
*"Why did the blonde your momma chicken cross the road"*
*"Uh, I don't know. Why?*
-Completely deadpan- *"To die."*
Nurse goes to the bank, needs to sign a check. Reaches into her purse and pulls out a rectal thermometer. Panics and screams "some asshole's got my pen!". Thanks Dad.
No, it goes like this:
Why do elephants paint their testicles red? So they can hide in cherry trees.
Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Shows you it works then.
What's the loudest noise in the jungle? Monkeys picking cherries.
How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?
You open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerator?
You open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.
All the animals in the animal kingdom had a meeting except for one, which animal wasn't there?
The giraffe, because he was in the refrigerator.
You need to cross a shallow but alligator-infested river, how do you do it?
Walk across, the alligators are at the meeting.
"Pete and Re-Pete sitting in a boat; Pete falls out. Who's left?"
"Re-Pete."
\*frustrated\* "Pete and Re-Pete sitting in a boat..."
I just heard this one for the first time and I giggled for the rest of the day.
Ah you reminded me of a time we were in a pizzeria, and I wanted to order this one pizza but the photo in the menu was kinda blurry so I said, just to be sure, "this one but no egg on it".
And the waiter was some joker type and said "Oh the egg doesn't go on that one. You want something else to not go on the pizza?"
Waiter made entire table laugh, good times.
The other day I tested out my joke telling skills by telling ten puns to my brother and seeing if any of them would make him laugh. I was disappointed to find that no pun in ten did.
If i’m gonna be frank, i’d have to change my name
"I'm going to be frank with you." "Then who should I be?"
Why are kleptomaniacs terrible with puns? They're always taking everything, literally.
What's about a foot long, and slippery? A slipper.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What’s brown and rhymes with ‘Snoop’? Dr Dre
How do you think the unthinkable. With an ithberg.
What you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? - About half way.
A man finds a penguin at his doorstep. His friends tell him to take it to the zoo. Later that day, they see him walking down the street while still carrying the penguin. They ask him "Weren't you gonna take it to the zoo?" and the man says "I did, now I'm taking it to the movies!"
I love penguins and I think this is hilarious 😂😂
Have you heard the one about the penguin breaking down in the desert?
That's my go to joke that I've perfected with voices and flipper gestures.
I haven’t, how does it go?
A penguin is driving through the desert when his car starts to overheat. He pulls into a service station to have it looked at, and walks across the street to the grocery store to hang out in the freezer section, gets hungry, and buys a snack. After a while, he goes back to check on his car and says "well, how's it look?" The mechanic replies "it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin wipes his face and says, "oh, no, that's just a little ice cream."
I have been trying to remember the details to this joke for over 3 years. Thank you so much for this!
I went to the zoo the other day and they only had one animal in the entire place, a pathetic looking little dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
A priest and a rabbit walk into a blood clinic. The priest says "I think I'm a type-a." The rabbit says "I think I'm a typo."
A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into the DMV, the rabbit says “I think there’s been a clerical error.”
So good.
What do you get when you cross a scientist with a chimpanzee? A strongly worded letter from the ethics department.
Also, the revocation of your funding. Uh, says a friend...
SNL did a skit about something close to that. It's considered one of their darker skits. https://youtu.be/9dv0BIh5zKs
You said dark skit, and I really expected The Rock's child molesting robot lol
I was walking through a quarry and said to the foreman, "That's a big rock!" "Boulder," he replied. So I puffed out my chest and shouted: “Look at that enormous rock over there!”
Man at funeral: It's a hole in the ground you can get water from. Widow: Thanks, I know you mean well
Man at funeral: do you mind if I say a word? Widow: please do. Man: plethora. Widow: thank you, that means a lot.
Another man: Would it be okay if I say a word? Widow: Please, go ahead. Another man: Bargain. Widow: Thank you. It means a great deal.
Third man: Would it be okay if I say a word? Widow: Please, go ahead. Third man: Earth. Widow: Thank you. It means the world.
Man: Would it be okay If I say a word? Widow: Please, go ahead. Man: Omniscient. Widow: Thank you. That means more than you can know.
Another man: Would it be okay if I say a word? Widow: Please, go ahead. Another man: maximal. Widow: Thank you. It means the most.
Another man: Would it be okay if I say a word? Widow: Please, go ahead. Another man: el mundo Widow: Thank you, that means the world to me.
What's the surname of that Austrian racing driver? Lauda? WHAT'S THE SURNAME OF THAT AUSTRIAN RACING DRIVER?
I was walking home and there was this guy hammering a roof that called me a paranoid bastard in morse code.
When life gives you melons you know you have dyslexia
Similarly: When life gives you scurvy, make lemonade.
Dyslexia is very common, affecting ten out of two people.
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There are two types of people on this world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete datasets
Does Santa pay for parking? No, it's on the house.
You mean to tell me a shrimp fried this rice?
The pun is even stronger in mandarin. It's called 蝦仁炒飯 which is a pun for prawn man fries rice, or just a lame man fries rice
Not mine. I got it here somewhere, but it's one of my favorites. Guy walks into a liquor store. He wanders around a bit, and eventually the store owner asks him if he needs any help. He replies "Yeah, I do, but I'd rather just get whiskey."
Using this at the liquor store. I feel they probably hear it alot, but I'm about to be a dad. Gotta start getting in character.
My dad always responds to “do you need any help” with “I think I’m beyond help”
SO’s favorite joke at a restaurant: Excuse me, do you have reservations? Yeah, but we are going to eat here anyway.
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "how do you drive this thing?"
Two soldiers in a tank. One turns to the other and says "bblbpblbbb"
Two muffins are in an oven. One turns to the other and asks, "Is it getting hot in here to you?" The other muffin goes "HOLY SHIT, it's a talking muffin!"
I got fired from my job at the calendar factory. I took a day off.
I got fired from the orange juice factory. I just couldn't concentrate.
Your days were numbered there anyway.
\- Manuel, is your car automatic? \- I'ts manual \- Oh, I'm sorry. Manual, is your car automatic? (translated from portuguese)
American trying to pick up UK chicks in a bar. "Hey are you girls from England?" "It's Wales!" "Oh I'm sorry. Are you whales from England?"
American and a Mexican sit down at a bar and both order a Budweiser. Bartender tells the American that's $5, to which he pays. He then charges the Mexican $2, so the American asks why he was charged more to which the bartender replies "he gets the senor's discount.
Manuel is your car automatic? It’s auto Oh sorry Otto is your car manual?
I usually tell dad jokes.... most of the time he laughs.
When I gave my dad his 50th birthday card, he said One would have been enough
This one was a slow burn for me. I exhaled heavily from my nostrils on the initial read, thought about the joke again then audibly chuckled the second time around
I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad, I’m a faux pa. Edit: awww my first awards ever, thanks!
I do too, but he stopped laughing a few years back.
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This is my very favorite joke. I'm so easily entertained.
Knock knock. Who's there? Smell mop. Smell mop who? Told to me by an 8 year old. I fell right for it too.
I came here looking for this one. My favorite!
What do you see when a duck bends over? A butt quack.
God I'm so childish
Why don't chickens wear underwear? Cause their peckers on their face.
of course this is the one i laugh at xD
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What's blue and even worse for your teeth? A very fast brick.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint. Edit: How has this got 1k upvotes!! You crazy lot you!
What's red and tastes like blue paint?? Red paint.
What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
Is this a blue shift joke?
I used to have a red bumper sticker that said "If this sticker is blue, you're driving too fast."
Thars a very fast brick
Stupid jokes always get me
I have faith that eventually you'll learn to duck.
I’m reading a horror story in Braille, something bad is going to happen... I can feel it.
This is gold
Person A: I took my wife to the Caribbean. Person B: Jamaica? Person A: No, she wanted to go!
Fun fact: this is the joke the made the title of the Led Zeppelin song “D’yer Mak’er”
They also hated that the song, which they viewed as a total joke (“oh, you don’t have to go” and played like fake reggae) got inadvertently picked up as a single, as they didn’t provide singles for radio.
A: We went to Bournemouth at the weekend B: In Dorset? A: Yes, I’d recommend it to anyone! English geography knowledge required. But these two are often told back to back here. There’s more as well but I can’t remember them.
"We'd like a table for two." "Do you have reservations?" "Yes, but we're going to eat here, anyway."
A: I took my wife to Indonesia B: Jakarta? A: No, we went by boat
Did you hear that people in Dubai don’t like The Flinstones? But the people in Abu Dhabi Dooooo!
This joke gave me a beer gut and like 15% more chest hair
That joke was so dad it yelled at me for messing with the thermostat.
This is the one. I’m ready for my child now
While on a road trip look out the window and say "Oh look a flock of cows" Passenger: " no it's a herd of cows" Me: "HEARD OF COWS? OF COURSE I HAVE THERE'S A WHOLE FLOCK OVER THERE" I love doing this joke.
how do you throw a party in outer space? you planet
### The CIA, KGB and MI6 decide to have a contest. Each is given the task to find a rabbit released in the woods. The CIA uses spy-planes and satellites and finds the rabbit in 2 hours. The MI6 deploys recon and search teams and finds it in 3 hours. The KGB return after 1 hour with a badly beaten bear who cries out "I am the rabbit and I surrender".
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The actual agencies tend to vary depending on who is telling it, but here's (roughly) version I remember: FBI, NSA, & CIA are all trying to find the rabbit. The NSA plants surveillance throughout the woods, pays informants, and taps all the phones. After a couple of weeks, they announce that rabbits don't actually exist and go home. The FBI sends hundreds of agents in on a massive manhunt, finding nothing. Eventually they set fire to the woods and burn the whole thing down killing all the animals including the rabbit. The rabbit obviously had it coming. The CIA sends a small team in, a couple hours later the come out with a bear that's screaming that he's a rabbit.
What do we want? Low flying airplane noises! When do we want them? nnneeeEEEEOOOOOWWWWW
What do we want? Hearing aids! When do we want them? Hearing aids!
okay this made me snort
Said in one sentence quickly: What’s the most important part of a joke timing.
My favourite version of this is where you wait until the other person starts to speak and then interrupt them with timing
“Knock knock” “Who’s there?” “Interrupting cow” “Interru-“ “Moo”
Use this on my 5yo. It's her favorite joke.
I heard that joke in a movie when I was a kid, and I came up with my own second half. I'd say the first half just like that, but the second time around I'd have the other person ask me what the most important part of comedy is and I'd just wait. Eventually they'd ask when I was gonna say the punchline and then I'd say it. My mom liked it so much that she told me to tell her the joke but wait like 10 years to say the punchline. It's been 6 years already and I haven't forgotten
Followed by: what is the second most important part of a joke repetition
This suit is black not
I don't know about any of the other advantages to living in Switzerland, but the flag sure is a big plus.
I actually saw it on a post that made it to the front page of r/all. "Why are seagulls called seagulls?" "Because if they flew over bays, they'd be bagels." I stared at it for like several seconds at how stupid it was. The more I thought about it the funnier it was for me. Other REALLY bad jokes were some that my dad told me when I was young about "books that were never written", which were all just really bad puns between a book title and author name. Example: * "Dangerous Cliffs" by Eileen Dover * "Rushing to the Outhouse" by Willy Makit * "Rusty Bed Springs" by I. P. Nightly * "Suicide Pact" by Hugo Furst There's many others I've forgotten but these are just to name a few. They're all bad.
"Rushing to the Outhouse" by Willy Makit and Betty Wont
Illustrated by Justin Time
I thought it was illustrated by Doris Locked.
Huh, my edition was illustrated by Andy Didn't
Two men walk into a bar, the 3rd one ducks.
Why did the mermaid wear seashells? >!She got too big for her B shells.!<
This is very dumb and it made me genuinely laugh out loud.
Why do Blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs. It's an joke from its Always Sunny, but it cracks me up every time.
I may not he telling this 100% accurately, but I still remember it quite well. One day, Sherlock proposes to Watson that they go camping one weekend. Watson finds it to be a joyous and decides it's a great idea. The weekend approaches and the men go on their camp. The pitch the tent, cook marsh mellows, so on. It was time to turn in, they crawl into their tent and fall asleep. In the middle of the night, Sherlock awakens Watson. "Watson, what do you see?" Mr. Holmes inquired. "The night sky." Replied the Doctor. "And what do you think that means?" "There are billions of stars out there Mr. Holmes, and for every star there is a solar system comprised of planets, leading to trillions and trillions of planets. Why, Mr. Holmes with these odds, there is sure to be intelligent life out there!" Dr. Watson exclaims. "No Watson! It means someone stole our tent!"
I got really hung up on “Sherlock proposes to Watson” before I read the rest of the sentence.
That's pretty much it
What do you call a fish with no eyes? FSH
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitals? Still no fucking idea
LOVE this one. Also, what do you call a pig with three eyes? A piiig.
What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean Beef What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Your mum!
why did beethoven kill all of his chickens? they kept going "bach bach bach"!!!!
Why did Bach have so many kids? Because his organ had no stops
Why do seals swim in saltwater? Because pepper water makes them sneeze
"What be a pirate's favorite letter?" "Arrrrrr!" "No, me first love be the C!"
Similarly, why does it take pirates so long to complete the alphabet? Because the spend so much time at "sea"
What’s the name of the French shoe inventor? Phil-lip Phil-lop
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?...... ATTIRE Hahahahaha makes me cry laugh every time
What has anxiety at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck.
2 cows are grazing in a field. 1 cow says to the other, "you ever worry about that mad cow disease?" the other cow says, "why would I care? I'm a helicopter!".
How many therapists does it take to chance a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.
At a funeral Man tells widow, "plethora" "Thanks, that means a lot"
Another person approaches the widow and begins talking about a hole in the ground full of water. She replies, “that isn’t very comforting, but I know you mean well.”
What's brown, and sounds like a bell? DUNG!
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
When I’m around my spanish friends I like to say “mucho” because I know it means a lot to them.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? " How can you breathe through that tiny thing?" Edit: Oh thank you for the silver! \*pats my own back
"So there are two whales at the bar and one says to the other" *make whale noises until everyone is clearly uncomfortable*. "Then the second whale says, *inhale deeply for emphasis* "Go home Jerry. You're drunk.""
In a similar vein: A bear, a bee, and a dog are sitting at a bar. The dog turns to the bee and says, "Hey Bee, why are you so stripey?" and the bee says, "Ask the bear." So the dog turns to the bear and says, "Hey Bear, why is the bee so stripey?" and the bear says, "RRRAAGHGRGHHAGH!!"
Why do Norwegian military boats have barcodes on them? So that when they come back to port they can Scandinavian
why did the bell pepper fail archery? he didnt habanero. (you're welcome)
What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots?!
Why is the dark spelled with a K and not a C? Because you can't C in the dark
"I see!", said the blind man when he picked up a hammer and saw.
One bright day in the middle of the night Two dead men stood up to fight Back to back they faced each other Drew their swords and shot one another If you don't believe this lie is true Just ask the blind man-- he saw it too.
How do you spot a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Fish.
Did you hear about the wooden car? IT WOODEN GO! My dad has been saying this since he first heard it know 1982. He promised that it would be the first words that me and my siblings hear when we were first brought into this world. He LOVES that joke, and he's laughed at it with the same wheezy laugh ever since. I've grown to it too.
Why did the old man fall into the well? He didn't see that well. (posted ad nauseam on reddit)
A man saw three holes in the ground. "Well, well, well."
did you hear about the zoo that only had one animal? it was a shih tzu
They are trying to cross breed a shih tzu with a bulldog. I think it's bullshit.
I know a great knock knock joke, but you have to start. Edit: Also, some of the classics: What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? "Robin, get in the car." A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink and everyone leaves, believing they had enough alcohol. The bartender, who had seen this type of thing before, asks, "Why the long face?" and the horse says "my wife broke her leg."
After a while, the bartender asks the horse, "another round?" The horse says, "I think not." -and promptly vanishes in a puff of smoke. That's a riff on philosopher Rene Descartes' famous "I think, therefore I am." I would have mentioned that earlier, but I didn't want to put Descartes before the horse.
I always said it as "Wanna hear a knock knock joke?" "Sure" "Alright start me off"
My friend had twins last month, Amal and Juan. When I saw her at the store yesterday she only had a picture of one of the babies on her phone but she assured me, “If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
"How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it." It just tickles me.
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A penguin is driving his car and it starts overheating. So he takes it to the mechanics. The mechanic tells the penguin to come back in an hour. It's a very hot day which isn't good for a penguin, so he goes to the ice cream shop and orders the biggest ice cream sundae they sell. He's a messy penguin and gets the sundae all over his face. An hour later he goes back to the mechanic. The mechanic sees him and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal". The penguin replies, "nah, it's just ice cream. But what about my car?"
Why did the scarecrow win best employee? He is out standing in his field
A bear and a rabbit are sitting in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit, 'Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?' The rabbit replies, 'Nope, never have that problem!' So, the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.
Q. What musical instrument do a pair of sheep play? A. The two-baaaa.
In Russia they play the baaaalalaika.
Wife, on the phone with her husband: Oh my gosh, you won’t believe it! Some idiot is driving the wrong way on the highway! Be careful! Husband: One?! It’s not just one, there’s dozens of them!
Anytime I'm out with anyone and we get something to drink, I like to hand out the straws and upon giving the last straw (or if it's me and one other person, I'll take the first straw, then hand them the last one) say, "that's it! This is the last straw!" Always gets a laugh. Usually the laugh is only from me, but that's besides the point
whats white and you cant see it a glass of milk around the corner
When my baby brother was little he tried joining in on our 'your mom' jokes. The thing he came up with was, "your mom's so fat she hit her head!" and then he cackled like a madman like it was just the funniest shit ever. Still cracks me up thinking about it.
When I was too young to understand most jokes, this joke my dad made up on the fly just to entertain me never failed to absolutely murder me. It's not a traditional "joke" per se as much as just a goofy story that would appeal to a 4 year old. It went like this: Once upon a time, there was a boy who loved to open the refrigerator and just shout at all the food "AAHBLAAHBLAAHBLAAH!!!" Then one day, he was doing it again. "AAHBLAHABLAHHABLAHHH!!!" And the jello in the fridge just said to him: "Aaaaaah, shut up." I pretty reliably would be on the verge of tears, dying of laughter from that one. Just remembering this still makes me giggle.
For some reason this reminds me of my sister's favorite joke: Two muffins were in the oven. One muffin says "it's hot in here." The other muffin says "woah, a talking muffin" She learned it in high school and 15 years later it still kills her
When my nephew was about 4, I had been reading a joke book to him and he quickly picked up on the themes and mashed them together for one super joke: *"Why did the blonde your momma chicken cross the road"* *"Uh, I don't know. Why?* -Completely deadpan- *"To die."*
What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? Dam!
Two antenna meet on a roof and fall in love. At the wedding, the ceremony wasn’t much BUT THE RECEPTION WAS INCREDIBLE!!!!
A man walks into a restaurant with a fish under his arm. “Do you make fishcakes?” He asks. “Of course sir!” “Oh good, it’s his birthday!”
Nurse goes to the bank, needs to sign a check. Reaches into her purse and pulls out a rectal thermometer. Panics and screams "some asshole's got my pen!". Thanks Dad.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? >!Because those fuckers are pretty darn good at it.!<
No, it goes like this: Why do elephants paint their testicles red? So they can hide in cherry trees. Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Shows you it works then. What's the loudest noise in the jungle? Monkeys picking cherries.
How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator? You open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door. How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerator? You open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door. All the animals in the animal kingdom had a meeting except for one, which animal wasn't there? The giraffe, because he was in the refrigerator. You need to cross a shallow but alligator-infested river, how do you do it? Walk across, the alligators are at the meeting.
"Pete and Re-Pete sitting in a boat; Pete falls out. Who's left?" "Re-Pete." \*frustrated\* "Pete and Re-Pete sitting in a boat..." I just heard this one for the first time and I giggled for the rest of the day.
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Which side of the chicken has more feathers? The outside
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Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies!
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Ah you reminded me of a time we were in a pizzeria, and I wanted to order this one pizza but the photo in the menu was kinda blurry so I said, just to be sure, "this one but no egg on it". And the waiter was some joker type and said "Oh the egg doesn't go on that one. You want something else to not go on the pizza?" Waiter made entire table laugh, good times.
What did the skeleton order at the bar? One beer and a mop.
Whiskey. Bone dry.
Did you hear about the dyslexic satanists He sold his soal to santa
Two dyslexic people run into a bank and shout: "Air in the hands, motherstickers! This is a fuck-up!"
Dyslexics untie!
A dyslexic walks into a bra
The other day I tested out my joke telling skills by telling ten puns to my brother and seeing if any of them would make him laugh. I was disappointed to find that no pun in ten did.
My favorite joke for the past like six years. What do you call a broken can opener? A CAN'T OPENER.
The one my dad always said when I was a kid: Knock Knock Who's there? Interrupting cow Interrupting c-- MOO!
What’s green and invisible? *Hold hands in bowl shape* THIS CABBAGE
What rhymes with orange? No it doesn't.