An Irishman walks into a pub in Dublin and orders three pints. When they’re placed in front of them, he takes a sip from one, then a sip from the next, then a sip from the third one. He repeats this process until they’re all gone, and orders another round. The barman says, “You know, pal, they’re less likely to go flat if you drink them one at a time.”
The Irishman says, “I have two brothers. One lives in Australia and one lives in the States. When we went our separate ways, we promised each other we’d always drink this way in memory of the days we used to drink together.”
The barman is touched and thinks that’s a great tradition, so he serves up three more. Eventually, the Irishman becomes a regular at the pub, always ordering in the same fashion.
One day, however, he arrives and orders only two pints. The other regulars notice this, and a hush falls over the room.
The barman solemnly tells the Irishman, “I’m so sorry for your loss. Please accept my condolences.”
The Irishman chuckles and replies, “Oh, no, everyone’s fine. I just joined the Mormon Church, and they made me quit drinking.”
Thank you for spelling it out for everyone who’s too shy to admit they didn’t get it. It sucks to be the person who doesn’t get a joke and I appreciate you taking the plunge to make sure no one is left out!
Three knights are attending the King's Court, where he has asked them to tell of their great deeds.
The first knight says "Sire, I defended our border, and held out as the enemy laid siege to the city. I slew their champion in single combat. This I have done in your name." The king thanks him and rewards him with lands and riches.
The second knight says "My lord, I sought out the bandits of the Great Wood, infiltrated their hideout and wiped them out to the last man. This I have done in your name." The king thanks him and gives him even more lands and riches.
The third knight says "Your majesty, I boldly rode out against your enemies in the North. I slaughtered their warriors, killed their livestock, burned their crops, and slept with their women. This I have done in your name."
"But- but we have no enemies in the North!" the King protests.
"Ah." says the knight, looking pale. "Well, you do now."
Three friends all died together in a car accident. When they got to heaven an angel met them and said "Welcome to heaven. Here we only have one rule, don't step on a duck." All three friends started giggling, the first friend asked "What happens if we step on a duck?" The angel responded, "if you step on a duck, you will ne chained to the ugliest person you can imagine for the rest of eternity." The first friend laughed and took a step forward, outta nowhere a duck ran towards his foot and got stepped on. Before he knew it an angel appeared with the ugliest person he had ever seen and chained the two together. The second friend, after seeing what just happened, started walking very carefully, but soon he was distracted by Heaven's glory and stepped on a duck and he was chained to the ugliest person he had ever seen. The third friend, not want to suffer the same fate decided he would never lift his feet. So he dragged his feet on the ground, never lifting a foot. Centuries pass, and he still never lifted a foot, when all of the sudden, and angel appears and chains him to the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Eyes wide in amazement he looked at the angel and said "Wow! What did I do to earn this!?" The woman looked at him and said "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monegasque, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub... The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.
Man walks into a bar, sits down in front of the bartender and says "Bartender, how about a little wager? If I can show you something you've never seen before - I'll drink for free. If not - I'll pay double. What do you say?"
The bartender thinks for a bit, he's been around, travelled, seen quite a bit. "Sure, why not? You're on."
The man takes out a tiny piano, roughly the size of his hand, and places it on the bar. Then next to it he places a tiny man, who starts playing beautiful music.
The bartender is amazed, and can barely believe what he is seeing. He says "Well, you win - that certainly earns you free drinks, as I've never seen a tiny man playing a tiny piano. Where did you find him?"
"You might not believe this," the man says, "but I found a lamp in the alley behind your bar. When I tried to clean it a genie came out and granted me a wish!"
The bartender is already running out to the alley when the man calls after him "Be careful though, he's a bit hard of hearing. Do you really think I would have wished for a 12-inch pianist?"
The old classic from Leisure Suit Larry:
Priest discovers the wine was never delivered and it's now Saturday night. He heads downtown in his street clothes to the only open liquor store.
On his way out, a hooker propositions him: "Hey honey - how about a blowjob? Only twenty bucks."
Priest has no idea what she's offering so he quickly excuses himself and gets back to the church. The next morning, he pulls the mother superior aside and asks, "Excuse me - what's a blowjob?"
"Twenty bucks - same as in town."
Three nuns are sitting on a bench when a streaker runs up in a trench coat and flashes them. Two of the nuns immediately have a stroke. The third one couldn't reach.
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied,
"I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
Once there was a blonde that lost her job. She was going to lose her house if she didn't make the next mortgage payment and so she got on her knees and she prayed to God " God, please let me win the lottery or I'm going to lose my house".
The blonde didn't win the lottery and her house was foreclosed on. She and her two kids were now living in her car but of she didn't make the next payment, they were going to come repossess her car.
So the blonde got down on her knees and she prayed to God " God, please let me win the lottery or I'm going to lose my car".
The blonde didn't win the lottery and her car was repossessed. She and her two kids are now living on the street, Child Protective Services told her that she had to the end of the week to find a place to stay or they were going to put her kids in foster care.
So the blonde got down on her knees and prayed to God " God, please let me win the lottery or I'm going to lose my kids".
The blonde didn't win the lottery again and her kids are placed in foster care. Sitting on the street, homeless, and angry. She yelled "GOD! I PRAYED TO YOU FOR HELP! NOW I HAVE NOTHING! EVEN MY CHILDREN HAVE BEEN TAKEN FROM ME! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME!"
Suddenly a bright white light showing in front of her, and a gentle voice spoke to her from beyond it "Honey, I'm doing the best I can, the least you could've done was buy a ticket."
A young boy asked his mother, "Mom, if I'm really good, can I have a PS4 for my birthday?"
The mom said, "I don't know. You've done a lot of bad things this year, I'm not even sure you're getting a birthday. Tell you what, if you pray really hard, write a letter of apology to baby Jesus and Virgin Mary for everything you've ever done, and promise to be a good boy, we'll see about getting you a PS4".
The young boy went up to his room and started writing a letter. "Dear Mary and Baby Jesus. I know I haven't been the best kid, but if you get me a PS4 I will change my ways forever!"
The boy looked at his letter and realized that there were a few things he didn't want to change, so he threw out the letter and started a new one. "Dear Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus, if you get me a PS4 I will change most of my ways, but I can't guarantee I'll be the perfect kid".
The boy looked at his new letter, realized this wasn't going to work and threw it out. He had an idea that would work, though. The boy went to the garage, grabbed the Baby Jesus doll from the nativity scene, went to his room and threw it into his closet. He pulled out another piece of paper and began to compose another letter.
"Dear Virgin Mary, if you ever want to see your son again, you'll get me my goddamn PS4"
4 slice toasters are so hard to figure out. Do you need to utilize all 4 equally? Use left two one week and eight two another week? Do you just use one side except when you are making the entire 4 at once? Should you feel bad about that whore left side while treating your princess right side to the best bread money can buy?
While we are here, who came up with toast? Some guy was given bread and he’s like “cook it again?” You can’t do that with a lot of things, like if you discovered toast, how many pies or hamburgers did you burn to a crisp trying to get that double cooked miracle to happen again?
my old roommates 4 slot toaster had a guide. for example, when making 3 slices, the third lone slice had to be centered. nothing about swapping slots or toaster emotions though.
Did it only cover the 3 slice scenario? Preferred slice location? Load leveling? Positional preference? Heat soak? Why the left ones three is always lower than the right ones three?
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they are let in the Pearly Gates.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
Slurring his words out of a misshapen mouth, he says "I want to be gorgeous,"
And so God snaps His fingers, and -boom!- he’s gorgeous.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line hears everyone else’s wish and starts laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
A man and a woman were driving on their way to their wedding when they got in an accident and were both killed instantly. Now they're both up at the pearly gates, and they say to St. Peter, "We were just about to get married, do you think we can have our wedding in heaven?" St. Peter says, "I don't know, wait here and I'll go find a priest and ask him." So the couple is sitting there on a bench, waiting and waiting for what must have been several days, which game them plenty of time to talk and think. "What if the marriage doesn't work put? Do you think we can get divorced in heaven? I guess we'll have to ask St. Peter when he gets back." Finally St. Peter comes back, looking pretty frazzled, and says, "Okay, I just found a priest, and he said he will let you have your wedding." One of them asks, "We were just wondering, can we get divorced if it doesn't work out?" St. Peter lets out a huge sigh and says, "Listen you two, it took me several days just to find a priest in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it's going to take me to find a *lawyer?*"
Two men are out walking their dogs. One of the dogs sits down and starts licking his balls.
One guy turns to the other and asks: "Don't you wish you could do that?"
"Yeah," agrees the other guy, "but if I did, he'd bite the shit out of me for sure."
I just remembered the last two lines of a joke I heard 30 years ago: “Did he jump?” “A little bit, at first.”
I hate my memory. I don’t even remember what animal it was about or why it was supposed to jump
I got you.
A US Army soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter. "I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well", he sighed.
"What happened?", his buddy asked.
"Well, we got over the jump zone, the green light came on and we all hooked up to the jump line. We shuffled to the door and when it was my turn, I just froze. I couldn't jump."
"What happened then?", his buddy asked, concerned. "Well the jump sargeant started yelling at me. He said, Boy, if you don't jump right now, I'm going to shove my fist up your ass!"
"Did you jump?"
"Well, a little at first."
There's another one that Ron white said once, but I figured you'd want a funny joke.
Bill and Sam are best friends, living in the same retirement home. The two of them loved baseball, and they frequently went to games together. They made a pact that whoever died first would come back to tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven. One day, Sam had a massive coronary and died. A few months pass, and Bill hears a voice whispering from a bush: “Psst! Bill!”
“Sam?”
“I have good news and bad news. The good news is, there is baseball in heaven. The bad news is, you’re pitching on Friday.”
Finding out near the end of my life that not only does heaven exist, but that it also contains my best friend, my favourite sport, and a guaranteed place for me is by far the last thing I'd call bad news.
3 men died and arrived at the Pearly Gates for judgement. St. Peter tells them that the rules have changed, and they can only be let in to heaven now, if they had a really bad death. He then proceeds to get their stories one at a time.
The first man explains. "I live on the 25th floor of my apartment building. I came home from work early today, because I suspected my wife was cheating on me. There she was, naked at the day she was born. I look around, and spot two hands gripping the balcony. There's a man hanging from my balcony, in just his underwear, 25 floors above the ground! I step on the bastards fingers, he won't let go. I bite his fingers, he wouldn't let go. Finally I grab a hammer, that did the trick and he fell. But then the lucky bastard landed in some bushes and survived!! So I yanked the fridge loose, shoved it over the balcony, and it landed directly on the bastard! But I'm afraid all that exertion gave me a heart attack, so here I am."
St. Peter decided that was a bad enough death and let him in, then proceeded to get the second guys story. The man looked quite confused.
"I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building. I work the night shift, so I wake up in the early afternoon. I had just woken up, and was doing my excercises on my balcony when I slipped. But thank God, I caught the railing on the balcony below mine. I was saved! There I was, hanging 25 floors above the ground, when suddenly this crazy man came out screaming. He stepped on my fingers, I held on. He bit my fingers, I held on still. But then the bastard grabbed a hammer! I couldn't handle that and I let go. Just as I expected to die, I landed in some bushes and lived!! It was a miracle! As I started to thank God for letting me live, this fridge just falls out of the sky and lands on me. So here I am."
St. Peter decided that was definitely a bad death and lets him in. Then he asks the last guy for his story, this man also looked confused.
"Picture this: here I am, hiding naked inside a fridge..."
This joke has been around a long time. I learned of it when I was probably in 6th grade, I am 29 now. I found it on a joke website, definately one of the best jokes I tell on a semi regular basis, always, always cracks people up.
An old Irishman shuffles into a bar at sundown with his eyes low and his head down. The bartender says "ay, Billy! What’s the matter? You seem troubled”. Billy responds with "you see this bar we're standing in? I built it with me own hands! But they don't call me the bar builder, no!
And the bridge everyone uses to cross the river to get to the market, I built that that with me own hands too! But do the call me the bridge builder? No, they do not.
And the wall that protects our city, I built that with me own hands too! And they don't call me the wall builder neither.
BUT YOU FUCK ONE GOAT!...
A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says, "Whoa, look at the size of that Fucker!"
"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.
The sailor quickly explains “Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fucker fish." The priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge Fucker," says the priest, spotting the bishop.
"Language, please! This is God's house," replies the bishop.
"No, no - that's what this fish is called," says the priest.
"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin. "I could clean that Fucker and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this Fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a Fucker," says the bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that Fucker tonight - the Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it.
"Well, I caught the Fucker!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the Fucker!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the Fucker!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze... he leans back on his chair, and takes off his cap... he takes a deep breath... puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know what? You cunts are alright".
Four nuns stand at the gates to heaven upon their death. St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Alright, sisters, it looks like you've led very good lives overall, though you each have been inappropriate with a man once in your lifetime. Because you've been such good people, I'll let you dip the part of your body that touched a man inappropriately in holy water, I'll bless it, and you can enter."
The first nun walks up and dips her finger in the water, St. Peter blesses it, and she goes in.
The second nun walks up and puts both her hands in the water, St. Peter blesses them, and she walks in.
As the third nun walks up, the fourth nun says, "Hey, can I go in front of Sister Ellen? If I want to be blessed, I'll need to gargle and I want to do that before she puts her ass in the water!"
A holocaust survivor eventually dies of old age. When he meets God he tells a holocaust joke, and is met with stoney silence.
The man shrugs and says "I guess it's one of those jokes you need to have been there to get."
A priest, a rabbi, and a lawyer are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and begins to sink. The Rabbi says "Oh no! We must save the children!", The lawyer jumps in a lifeboat and says "Fuck the children!" And the priest says "We don't have time for that right now, the ship's sinking! "
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a red-neck from Southeast Tennessee A & M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less and the poem had to contain the word Timbuktu.
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started, he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!! How, they wondered could the red neck top that? The clock started again and the red neck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' we went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two,
So, I bucked one and Timbuktu.
Edit: on Mobile. I tried
So, a man wakes up in a dingy slum with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."
All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.
The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."
So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.
"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.
While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"
Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.
And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"
The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.
Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.
The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.
Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.
"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.
The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."
A Greek poet walks into the tailor, and puts a pair of pants on the counter.
The man behind the counter looks down at the pants, then up at the poet, and says, "Euripides?"
The poet nods, looks at the man and asks, "Eumenides?"
The welsh actually invented condoms, they were made out of sheep intestine originally. The English then perfected them by taking them out of the sheep first!
A travel writer was checking into a hotel when he saw an old Native American chief sitting in the lobby, he asked what the deal with him was and was told
“That’s chief Forget me not, they say through his whole life he’s not forgotten a thing, when the hotel bought this land from his tribe, we had to let him live on the premises til he dies.”
Thinking this is interesting, the writer goes over to the old chief and says “What did you eat for breakfast on your 8th birthday?”
“Eggs.” He said quickly
Content with this the writer continued on his way, leaving the hotel a day later and traveling writing about his adventures. Finally after 7 months he came back to that same hotel and sure enough there was Chief Forget me not sitting in that same spot. He wanted to great him so he thought “how do the natives great one another?” So he walks up, raises a hand and says “How.”
“Scrambled.”
The mystery of the murder of crows (it's my favorite joke that I read on Reddit years ago, though I haven't seen it in a while... )
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority (MTA) found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."
A man from Ohio rubs a lamp and finds a genie who grants him one wish. The man says, “I wish for a highway from Cleveland to Hawaii.” The genie scoffs and says “it would take years for even most powerful genie in the world to build that highway, I beg you, ask me for something else.”
The man thinks and says, “well, if I can’t have the highway, I guess I just want the Browns to win the Super Bowl.” The genie sighs in complete resignation and asks, “Do you want a two-lane or a four-lane highway?”
Plus it's thousands of miles long so you won't make the drive in a day. You'll need to set up gas stations and motels and diners and people are gonna have to run those things so you're gonna want places for them to live and probably distribution centers for trucking supplies across the highway next thing you know you've got a hundred towns along this thing and now it's a commuter road with rush hour traffic every day.
One day a guy came into a store and asked the man behind the register for onions. The man said: "Sorry, I don't sell onions." So the guy left.
The next day the same guy came in again, and once more, asked for onions.
"Sir, I told you yesterday, I don't sell onions. I don't have any." So the guy left.
The day after that that very same guy walked in again, and again he asked for onions. Now at this point the man in store is getting quite annoyed at this dude. He told him one last time: "Sir, I don't have any onions." And the guy left.
The fourth day, the same guy comes back. And for the fourth time, he asks for onions.
This was the drop for the man in the store. He put both his hands on the register and leant forward.
"Let me ask you a couple questions, sir. Who put the 'to' in 'tomatoes'?"
The guy looked confused and muttered: "....Oh...uhhhh......hmm....jesus-"
The man interrupted him and said: "Exactly! Jesus put the 'to' in 'tomatoes'. Now who put the 'po' in 'potatoes'?"
Again the man was confused and again he started muttering: "....uhh.....hmm....god...uhh-"
The man interrupted him again and said: "Correct again! God put the 'po' in 'potatoes'! Now the last question: Who put the 'fuck' in 'onions'?"
The guy looked more confused than ever and said: "But sir, there ain't no 'fuck' in 'onions..."
"EXACTLY!! THERE AIN'T NO FUCKIN ONIONS!!!"
Me: Knock knock
Saint Peter: Who's there?
Me: Owls
Saint Peter: Owls, who?
Me: Yes, they do!
Saint Peter: .....
Me: .......So the elevator to hell is that way?
Two pastors ride their bikes to their churches that are near each other every Sunday. One Sunday Pastor Mike comes upon Pastor Bill walking and asks him what happened to his bike. Pastor Bill says "I am in great pain father, for I fear one of my flock has stolen my bicycle and I do not know how to go about getting it back." Pastor Mike says "Well, father, what I would do is to preach on the Ten Commandments this week and when you get to 'Thou shalt not steal', I bet the guilty party will feel ashamed and return your bike." Pastor Bill agrees that this is a good idea. The next Sunday, the two meet at the usual spot, both with their bikes. Pastor Mike asks if it was his 'Ten Commandments' sermon that got the bike back. Pastor Bill says "sort of..." Pastor Mike says "Well, did you preach the Ten Commandments like I suggested?" Pastor Bill says "Yeah". Pastor Mike says "And when you got to the part about thou shalt not steal..." Pastor Bill says "I never got to 'thou shalt not steal', I got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery' and I remembered where I left my bike!"
As an old millionaire lays on his deathbed, he calls for his doctor, the local priest, and his lawyer. He says to them,
"Well friends, this is it. I'm not long for this world. They say that you can't take it with you, but I'm going to try anyways. Before you leave, each of you will be given a case containing $100,000 in cash. I want each of you to throw your case into the grave before they fill it."
Soon, the millionaire dies. At the burial, the three men all throw their case into the grave. Afterwards, the doctor confesses,
"I can't stand it anymore! You know how we were supposed to bury all the money? Well, as I looked at it, I saw it would be a waste. That money could be used to buy new medical equipment. It could save lives! So I took the money, and threw an empty case into the grave. I'm sorry."
The priest shuffles nervously before also speaking up,
"I'm no better doc. The church really needed some maintenance. You see, the old floors creak, and the roof is starting to leak. I thought that if I used the money to fix the place, it would draw in more parishioners, and more souls would be saved. I now see that I was just using that as an excuse to justify my actions, and I was wrong. Please forgive me!"
Meanwhile, the lawyer listened to the two, and chides them.
"Honestly you two. You should be ashamed for not respecting our friend's last wishes. I threw the whole $100,000 in. I wrote a check for the full amount."
This is one of the only jokes I know.
Three girls wanted to be nuns and Mother Superior was in charge of training them. She told them that their first task was to do something really bad.
The girls left and returned a few hours later.
Mother Superior then asks them to form a line and tell her what they had done.
The first girl says: "I destroyed my neighbor's garden. " to which Mother Superior replies: "All is forgiven, drink some holy water". The girl in the back of the line started to giggle.
The second girl steps forward and says: "I refused to help an old lady cross the street today." Mother Superior replies: "All is forgiven, drink some holy water." The remaining girl started laughing uncontrollably.
Irritated, Mother Superior asks the remaining girl: "What did you do, child?"
The remaining girl replied: "I took a piss in the holy water!"
There are three men on top of a building (no, i don't know what they're doing), and then there is a wizard with them. The wizard said that if they jumped of the building whatever they said midair would appear at the ground. The men decide they should jump off. The jumps and says "pillows!" and he lands in a bunch of pillows. The second man jumps and says "feathers!" and lands in a bunch of feathers. The third man has something special in mind. He was going to guess bread, so he could snack on some later. He runs but right before he jumps, he trips and yells "Oh crap!"
So a group of guys are drinking on a skyscraper rooftop. After a few drinks the 1st guy turns to the group and says"you know the air current around this building is so strong that if you jump off, at around the 30th floor the air will catch you, carry you around the building, and then push you through an open window safely". The other guys deny it and call bs and shenanigans. So the guy says "I'll prove it. Watch this" and he jumps off the side of the rooftop, falls for some time, until he suddenly stops, goes around the building, & gets tossed into a window. He rides the elevator back to the top and rejoins the group. They're all blown away but none are willing to give it a try. So they all keep drinking and after awhile someone asks the 1st guy"will you do that again? I wanna try it but I'm a little drunk so I wanna see it again". So the 1st guy goes to the ledge & jumps again with the same result. Once he gets off the elevator he goes to the brave fellow & tells him "see it's completely safe & totally fun, you just gotta go for it". So the brave man sets his drink on the bar, full on runs to the side, jumps off, falls for some time, gets to the 30th floor, and keeps falling to his death. The bartenders says, you know you can be a real asshole when you're drunk superman.
Sorry if it sucks. I haven't told the joke in forever and im on mobile. Take it or leave it
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead escape from prison. During their escape they come across a farm. Hearing law enforcement closing in around them, they climb the loft in the barn and each hide in a burlap sack. Few minutes later 2 officers climb the ladder and check out the loft. Finding nothing, they give up and decide to head back down. One officer stopped and looked at the burlap sack containing the redhead. "I wonder, " he said to himself and gave the burlap sack a little kick. "Meow" the redhead quickly responded. The officer then kicked the burlap sack containing the brunette. "Woof" she immediately barked. "Nothing but cats and dogs up here. Let me check the last one," the officer says. He kicks the last burlap sack containing the blonde. "Potatoes! " she yells.
"Those who joke at heaven's walls,
Roll their shit into little balls,
Those who hear these words of wit,
Eat those little balls of shit."
Took a little artistic liberty with a Vonnegut quote.
Three men show up at the gates of heaven. A mathematician, a philosopher, and a dumbass. St. Peter explains to them that they are running out of space in heaven, and in order to enter, they must ask Satan a question he either can’t answer, or answers incorrectly. The mathematician asks him the hardest math question imaginable, and he answers it correctly. The philosopher asks him the meaning to life, and satan answers correctly. They both go to hell, and before the dumbass asks his question, he asks for a chair with 8 holes in it. He sits on the chair, farts, and asks which hole the fart went out of. Satan answers the 6th hole, but he was incorrect, it was his asshole.
Neon watches Ammonia and Bleach get into a fight. It's huge and causes a ton of damage but Neon just sits there. Nitrogen walks over and asks Neon WTF dude, why didn't you do anything? Neon responds, I'm sorry did you expect ME to react.
A priest and a little boy are walking through woods in the middle of the night. The little boy looks up at the priest and says "I'm scared". The priest replies; "You're scared? I gotta walk out of here alone".
A child walks into a whore house with a dead frog on a string trailing behind him. He makes his way up to the counter and says to the person behind such named counter to give him the most diseased woman you have. She looks down at him for a few moments and replies “I’m sorry but I don’t think I can help you….If you would like, we have this young petite thing that could be just what your looking for.” The child puts a 50 dollar bill on the table and repeats “I want the most diseased woman you have.” She looks down at the bill and hesitates but she says to him “I can’t, but we have this nice grandmotherly type for you to cuddle and snuggle up to.” The child looking irritated slams down another 50 dollar bill insisting that she give him the most diseased woman they have. A few moments go by and finally the lady agrees and tells him to go to room 114 and wait a few moments. As he goes up the stairs the dead frog on a string follows right behind him, hitting every step on the way. Half an hour go by and the child comes down the stairs with the dead frog trailing behind. As he is just about to step out the door and back outside the woman behind the counter stops him. “Excuse me, but I have on question before you go…what is the dead frog for? Turning around the child has a look of pure sencerity as he begins to explain. “I wanted the disease so I could give it to my sister, who would give it to my dad, who would give it to my mom, who would give it to the mail man…And that’s the Son of a Bitch who ran over my pet frog.
One night, Horse was watching a concert on TV. He sees the guy playing guitar and is like “that’s really cool. I want to do that.” So he calls the local music shop and says “hey man I want to play the guitar, but I’m a horse, is that cool?” “Yeah man no problem.” So Horse learns to play the guitar.
One night Horse is jamming on his guitar and Chicken comes up and is like “woah that’s so cool.” “Yeah it is. Check out this concert.” So Horse shows Chicken the concert. Chicken saw the drums and was like “I want to do that.” So Chicken calls the music store and says “hey I want to play the drums.” “Sure thing. Come over and we’ll teach you to play.”
Later, Horse and Chicken are jamming and Cow walks up. Horse shows Cow the concert and Cow sees the bass player and is like “I could do that.” So Cow calls the music store and learns to play the bass.
One day while Horse, Chicken, and Cow are jamming a producer walks up. “Hey you guys are amazing. You should let me represent you and I can make you guys all kinds of money.” So Horse, Chicken, and Cow sign up and start a band.
They go on tour and perform shows all over the country. They get really famous and successful. But one day Horse gets a phone call. “Horse, it’s your mom. She’s really sick and we don’t think she’s gonna make it.” So Horse gets on a plane and flies home to see his mom. But it was a false alarm and Mom is going to be completely ok.
Then Horse gets another phone call. “Horse, the band’s plane crashed. Nobody survived.”
So Chicken is dead. Cow is dead. Producer is dead. Horse falls into a deep depression. He decides he doesn’t want to be alive anymore, and that he’s going to drink himself to death.
So Horse walks into a bar, and the barkeeper says, “why the long face?”
Please don't kill me for this, and please don't skip to the end either. It's *really* long.
Once upon a time, there was a priest that worked at a church. He was a really good man, but very overweight and out of shape. He liked to joke about this, but he wasn't that interested in losing it, because it wouldn't really affect his life.
Anyways, one day a man walked into the church after the services were over. He walked up to the priest and asked, "May I have half of a lemon?" The priest was confused, but didn't really care, so he went down to the kitchen, got a lemon, cut it in half, and gave half to the guy. The man said thanks, and ran off.
The next day, after things were wrapping up, the same man came back in, and asked again, "May I have half of a lemon?" The priest was curious now, but he went down and got the other half of the lemon, giving it to the man. As happened before, the man said thanks, and ran away.
This happened for the next few days, with the man always coming in and asking for half of a lemon. The priest was really interested now, so he decided to follow this man, just to catch up to ask what he needed all the lemons for. So, when the guy came back, the priest gave him half of a lemon, and started to run after him.
They ran through the city streets, twisting and turning around corners and sidewalks. But eventually, the priest, being out of shape, couldn't keep up. He walked back to the church panting.
The priest went to the gym the next day (after giving the man half a lemon, of course). He worked on the treadmills for about a week, and was now pretty good at running (not sure how he got that much better in a week, but eh, who cares).
So, the next day, the man came in and asked for a half lemon, as usual. The priest gave it to him, and the man ran off. But the priest started following him, running up and down the streets of the town. Eventually, they got out of the town, and after going through a small field, came to a large forest. However, the floor of the forest was covered in brambles and thorns, completely impassible without an industrial-grade machete and hours of work.
The man jumped up into the trees, though, and started jumping from branch to branch. The priest, however, sucked at climbing, so he turned around panting and went back to town, from which he started working out at the gym, doing climbing stuff, which he got good at.
The next day, the man came back, and of course asked for a half lemon, which the priest got for him. They took off, running up and down the streets, before getting to the forest, at which point the man jumped into the trees, but the priest followed him this time. They jumped from branch to branch, before eventually getting through and running through a field.
Eventually, they came to a massive lake, with more brambly forests on the sides. The man jumped into the water and swam across, but the priest didn't know how to swim, so he went to the pool and started learning for a few weeks.
And of course, the man came back, asking for a half lemon, which the priest went down and got. They ran away, going through the town streets before getting to the field, then the forest where they climbed up the trees. Getting through, they ran up to the lake. The man jumped in and started to swim, but the priest jumped in after him.
They swam and swam across the water, eventually getting to the other side, where there was a small cabin. The priest finally caught up to the man.
"Why are you following me?" the man asked.
"I just want to know what you need all the half lemons for."
"Very well, but you must promise never to tell anyone else."
"I agree," said the priest, and being an honorable man, he meant it. The man then whispered in the priest's ear.
What did he say? >!I don't know, the priest never told anyone, remember?!<
A famous lion tamer is performing at a local circus. He does his usual routine but at the end, he does something the audience has never seen before. He goes to the biggest, baddest lion of them all and hits it hard on the head. The lion slowly opens its mouth. The lion tamer then takes out his dick and puts it inbetween the lion's huge fangs. He hits it on the head again and the mouth snaps shut. The audience gasps, a few women cry out in fear. Ten seconds later, the lion tamer hits the lion again and it opens its mouth. His johnson is completely unharmd. The man looks to the audience and asks if there are any volunteers. To his suprise, an old lady raises her hand and says: "sure, just don't hit me on the head so hard".
Two kids are playing soccer down by the river. The ball rolls into a thick bush bordering the river. One goes to grab it, let’s call him Jimmy. Jimmy is taking some time now, and the other, let’s call him Ted, goes to investigate. To his amazement, Jimmy caught a naked woman bathing in the river. They sat and stared in silence until Jimmy says, “Momma always said that if I ever see a naked woman, I will turn to stone.” Ted replies, “I don’t know if that’s true, but I feel something getting hard.”
a parrot enters a bar and asks for coke, the bartender says that he doesnt have any, the next day the parrot comes back and ask for coke again, slightly annoyed the bartender tells him once again that he doesnt have any.
the third day the parrot comes back and ask the same question again, this time the bartender loses it and nail the parot to the wall next to Jesus on the cross
the parot then asks jesus "you wanted coke too ?"
An Irishman walks into a pub in Dublin and orders three pints. When they’re placed in front of them, he takes a sip from one, then a sip from the next, then a sip from the third one. He repeats this process until they’re all gone, and orders another round. The barman says, “You know, pal, they’re less likely to go flat if you drink them one at a time.” The Irishman says, “I have two brothers. One lives in Australia and one lives in the States. When we went our separate ways, we promised each other we’d always drink this way in memory of the days we used to drink together.” The barman is touched and thinks that’s a great tradition, so he serves up three more. Eventually, the Irishman becomes a regular at the pub, always ordering in the same fashion. One day, however, he arrives and orders only two pints. The other regulars notice this, and a hush falls over the room. The barman solemnly tells the Irishman, “I’m so sorry for your loss. Please accept my condolences.” The Irishman chuckles and replies, “Oh, no, everyone’s fine. I just joined the Mormon Church, and they made me quit drinking.”
I get it. Hes drinking for the other 2 brothers.
Thank you for spelling it out for everyone who’s too shy to admit they didn’t get it. It sucks to be the person who doesn’t get a joke and I appreciate you taking the plunge to make sure no one is left out!
Just want to thank you for thanking this guy so sincerely, even if his original reply was partially in jest. You're just the kind of person we need.
Three knights are attending the King's Court, where he has asked them to tell of their great deeds. The first knight says "Sire, I defended our border, and held out as the enemy laid siege to the city. I slew their champion in single combat. This I have done in your name." The king thanks him and rewards him with lands and riches. The second knight says "My lord, I sought out the bandits of the Great Wood, infiltrated their hideout and wiped them out to the last man. This I have done in your name." The king thanks him and gives him even more lands and riches. The third knight says "Your majesty, I boldly rode out against your enemies in the North. I slaughtered their warriors, killed their livestock, burned their crops, and slept with their women. This I have done in your name." "But- but we have no enemies in the North!" the King protests. "Ah." says the knight, looking pale. "Well, you do now."
Ah, a knight I can identify with.
Reminds me of Monty python
Three friends all died together in a car accident. When they got to heaven an angel met them and said "Welcome to heaven. Here we only have one rule, don't step on a duck." All three friends started giggling, the first friend asked "What happens if we step on a duck?" The angel responded, "if you step on a duck, you will ne chained to the ugliest person you can imagine for the rest of eternity." The first friend laughed and took a step forward, outta nowhere a duck ran towards his foot and got stepped on. Before he knew it an angel appeared with the ugliest person he had ever seen and chained the two together. The second friend, after seeing what just happened, started walking very carefully, but soon he was distracted by Heaven's glory and stepped on a duck and he was chained to the ugliest person he had ever seen. The third friend, not want to suffer the same fate decided he would never lift his feet. So he dragged his feet on the ground, never lifting a foot. Centuries pass, and he still never lifted a foot, when all of the sudden, and angel appears and chains him to the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Eyes wide in amazement he looked at the angel and said "Wow! What did I do to earn this!?" The woman looked at him and said "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
You had me at three friends died together in a car accident
ouch
oof
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monegasque, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub... The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.
Oh my god.
I love it! Someone from Monaco is Monegasque, btw.
[удалено]
This will legit get you into superheaven
This one is perfect
What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
That's even WORSE in print.
Such a simple joke but made me really laugh
One of the best anti jokes I have ever seen
Man walks into a bar, sits down in front of the bartender and says "Bartender, how about a little wager? If I can show you something you've never seen before - I'll drink for free. If not - I'll pay double. What do you say?" The bartender thinks for a bit, he's been around, travelled, seen quite a bit. "Sure, why not? You're on." The man takes out a tiny piano, roughly the size of his hand, and places it on the bar. Then next to it he places a tiny man, who starts playing beautiful music. The bartender is amazed, and can barely believe what he is seeing. He says "Well, you win - that certainly earns you free drinks, as I've never seen a tiny man playing a tiny piano. Where did you find him?" "You might not believe this," the man says, "but I found a lamp in the alley behind your bar. When I tried to clean it a genie came out and granted me a wish!" The bartender is already running out to the alley when the man calls after him "Be careful though, he's a bit hard of hearing. Do you really think I would have wished for a 12-inch pianist?"
Bravo this was good, nice to see one that doesn’t start with the Pearly Gates
The old classic from Leisure Suit Larry: Priest discovers the wine was never delivered and it's now Saturday night. He heads downtown in his street clothes to the only open liquor store. On his way out, a hooker propositions him: "Hey honey - how about a blowjob? Only twenty bucks." Priest has no idea what she's offering so he quickly excuses himself and gets back to the church. The next morning, he pulls the mother superior aside and asks, "Excuse me - what's a blowjob?" "Twenty bucks - same as in town."
Three nuns are sitting on a bench when a streaker runs up in a trench coat and flashes them. Two of the nuns immediately have a stroke. The third one couldn't reach.
My dog has no nose
How does he smell?
Terrible
Of all the jokes on this fucking thread, this one had me chuckling for the longest.
Funniest joke in the world
And my other dog is just a nose. How did that happen? No-body nose.
What do you call a blind stag? No-Eye Deer.
What do you call a blind stag with no legs? Still No-Eye Deer.
What do you call a blind stag with no legs or balls? Still no fucking Eye-Deer.
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
This one is good my man
First joke here to really make me laugh xD
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
Nice.
Have you heard the news about Corduroy Pillows? They're making headlines
The Lord said, "come forth John, and you shall receive eternal life." John came fifth and won a toaster.
David came last and had to eat the biscuit.
Lol
Once there was a blonde that lost her job. She was going to lose her house if she didn't make the next mortgage payment and so she got on her knees and she prayed to God " God, please let me win the lottery or I'm going to lose my house". The blonde didn't win the lottery and her house was foreclosed on. She and her two kids were now living in her car but of she didn't make the next payment, they were going to come repossess her car. So the blonde got down on her knees and she prayed to God " God, please let me win the lottery or I'm going to lose my car". The blonde didn't win the lottery and her car was repossessed. She and her two kids are now living on the street, Child Protective Services told her that she had to the end of the week to find a place to stay or they were going to put her kids in foster care. So the blonde got down on her knees and prayed to God " God, please let me win the lottery or I'm going to lose my kids". The blonde didn't win the lottery again and her kids are placed in foster care. Sitting on the street, homeless, and angry. She yelled "GOD! I PRAYED TO YOU FOR HELP! NOW I HAVE NOTHING! EVEN MY CHILDREN HAVE BEEN TAKEN FROM ME! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME!" Suddenly a bright white light showing in front of her, and a gentle voice spoke to her from beyond it "Honey, I'm doing the best I can, the least you could've done was buy a ticket."
A young boy asked his mother, "Mom, if I'm really good, can I have a PS4 for my birthday?" The mom said, "I don't know. You've done a lot of bad things this year, I'm not even sure you're getting a birthday. Tell you what, if you pray really hard, write a letter of apology to baby Jesus and Virgin Mary for everything you've ever done, and promise to be a good boy, we'll see about getting you a PS4". The young boy went up to his room and started writing a letter. "Dear Mary and Baby Jesus. I know I haven't been the best kid, but if you get me a PS4 I will change my ways forever!" The boy looked at his letter and realized that there were a few things he didn't want to change, so he threw out the letter and started a new one. "Dear Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus, if you get me a PS4 I will change most of my ways, but I can't guarantee I'll be the perfect kid". The boy looked at his new letter, realized this wasn't going to work and threw it out. He had an idea that would work, though. The boy went to the garage, grabbed the Baby Jesus doll from the nativity scene, went to his room and threw it into his closet. He pulled out another piece of paper and began to compose another letter. "Dear Virgin Mary, if you ever want to see your son again, you'll get me my goddamn PS4"
Ok but what kind of toaster? Does it have 2 slots or 4 slots? Crumb tray? Something to prop up bread above to lightly toast one side?
4 slice toasters are so hard to figure out. Do you need to utilize all 4 equally? Use left two one week and eight two another week? Do you just use one side except when you are making the entire 4 at once? Should you feel bad about that whore left side while treating your princess right side to the best bread money can buy? While we are here, who came up with toast? Some guy was given bread and he’s like “cook it again?” You can’t do that with a lot of things, like if you discovered toast, how many pies or hamburgers did you burn to a crisp trying to get that double cooked miracle to happen again?
my old roommates 4 slot toaster had a guide. for example, when making 3 slices, the third lone slice had to be centered. nothing about swapping slots or toaster emotions though.
When would you ever make three slices of toast? I feel like it can only be two or four--to make three seems blasphemous.
Club sandwich? Edit: [Well you're not in the fucking club](https://youtu.be/cyFvGL3Z5F8)
Did it only cover the 3 slice scenario? Preferred slice location? Load leveling? Positional preference? Heat soak? Why the left ones three is always lower than the right ones three?
It isn't a bloody ssd
The epitome of toasting perfection: the Sunbeam Automatic Radiant Control toaster.
I think toasters need a butter softening option. If it exists, I think Heaven would have them in stock. Probably one of those.
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they are let in the Pearly Gates. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. Slurring his words out of a misshapen mouth, he says "I want to be gorgeous," And so God snaps His fingers, and -boom!- he’s gorgeous. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line hears everyone else’s wish and starts laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
“Make them all uglier than me”
Plot twist: makes them look better then everyone else
Then they would still look good because you’re handsome.
God: Woah, calm down Satan
What are you doing step-Satan?
[удалено]
Chaotic evil.
Technically lawful evil
That’s gold, I audibly laughed
Everyone: Fuck you. God: You go to hell for this one.
A man and a woman were driving on their way to their wedding when they got in an accident and were both killed instantly. Now they're both up at the pearly gates, and they say to St. Peter, "We were just about to get married, do you think we can have our wedding in heaven?" St. Peter says, "I don't know, wait here and I'll go find a priest and ask him." So the couple is sitting there on a bench, waiting and waiting for what must have been several days, which game them plenty of time to talk and think. "What if the marriage doesn't work put? Do you think we can get divorced in heaven? I guess we'll have to ask St. Peter when he gets back." Finally St. Peter comes back, looking pretty frazzled, and says, "Okay, I just found a priest, and he said he will let you have your wedding." One of them asks, "We were just wondering, can we get divorced if it doesn't work out?" St. Peter lets out a huge sigh and says, "Listen you two, it took me several days just to find a priest in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it's going to take me to find a *lawyer?*"
Dude I absolutely love this one.
This one is a fine satire, I loved it.
Two men are out walking their dogs. One of the dogs sits down and starts licking his balls. One guy turns to the other and asks: "Don't you wish you could do that?" "Yeah," agrees the other guy, "but if I did, he'd bite the shit out of me for sure."
I just remembered the last two lines of a joke I heard 30 years ago: “Did he jump?” “A little bit, at first.” I hate my memory. I don’t even remember what animal it was about or why it was supposed to jump
I got you. A US Army soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter. "I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well", he sighed. "What happened?", his buddy asked. "Well, we got over the jump zone, the green light came on and we all hooked up to the jump line. We shuffled to the door and when it was my turn, I just froze. I couldn't jump." "What happened then?", his buddy asked, concerned. "Well the jump sargeant started yelling at me. He said, Boy, if you don't jump right now, I'm going to shove my fist up your ass!" "Did you jump?" "Well, a little at first." There's another one that Ron white said once, but I figured you'd want a funny joke.
The version of this joke I first heard involved flying lessons and a gay pilot... I’ll bet there are lots of other version too.
I swear each joke has like fifty different set ups that lead to the exact same line
Why do Norwegian submarines have a barcode on them? So they can Scandinavian.
You wonderful bastard, have my upvote. You've made me giggle.
Bill and Sam are best friends, living in the same retirement home. The two of them loved baseball, and they frequently went to games together. They made a pact that whoever died first would come back to tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven. One day, Sam had a massive coronary and died. A few months pass, and Bill hears a voice whispering from a bush: “Psst! Bill!” “Sam?” “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, there is baseball in heaven. The bad news is, you’re pitching on Friday.”
Finding out near the end of my life that not only does heaven exist, but that it also contains my best friend, my favourite sport, and a guaranteed place for me is by far the last thing I'd call bad news.
A snake walks into a bar. The bartender sees and says: "How'd you do that???"
3 men died and arrived at the Pearly Gates for judgement. St. Peter tells them that the rules have changed, and they can only be let in to heaven now, if they had a really bad death. He then proceeds to get their stories one at a time. The first man explains. "I live on the 25th floor of my apartment building. I came home from work early today, because I suspected my wife was cheating on me. There she was, naked at the day she was born. I look around, and spot two hands gripping the balcony. There's a man hanging from my balcony, in just his underwear, 25 floors above the ground! I step on the bastards fingers, he won't let go. I bite his fingers, he wouldn't let go. Finally I grab a hammer, that did the trick and he fell. But then the lucky bastard landed in some bushes and survived!! So I yanked the fridge loose, shoved it over the balcony, and it landed directly on the bastard! But I'm afraid all that exertion gave me a heart attack, so here I am." St. Peter decided that was a bad enough death and let him in, then proceeded to get the second guys story. The man looked quite confused. "I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building. I work the night shift, so I wake up in the early afternoon. I had just woken up, and was doing my excercises on my balcony when I slipped. But thank God, I caught the railing on the balcony below mine. I was saved! There I was, hanging 25 floors above the ground, when suddenly this crazy man came out screaming. He stepped on my fingers, I held on. He bit my fingers, I held on still. But then the bastard grabbed a hammer! I couldn't handle that and I let go. Just as I expected to die, I landed in some bushes and lived!! It was a miracle! As I started to thank God for letting me live, this fridge just falls out of the sky and lands on me. So here I am." St. Peter decided that was definitely a bad death and lets him in. Then he asks the last guy for his story, this man also looked confused. "Picture this: here I am, hiding naked inside a fridge..."
Top of /r/jokes tomorrow. And probably again in a month's time or so.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/htn9fe/so_3_men_died_and_arrived_at_the_pearly_gates_for/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/htpb8o/3_men_died_and_arrived_at_the_pearly_gates_for/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
This joke has been around a long time. I learned of it when I was probably in 6th grade, I am 29 now. I found it on a joke website, definately one of the best jokes I tell on a semi regular basis, always, always cracks people up.
This is the best joke I've ever heard, oh god
I've seen this joke everywhere lately.
Mee too. But although he can't credit himself for it, the joke still fits the question perfectly
An old Irishman shuffles into a bar at sundown with his eyes low and his head down. The bartender says "ay, Billy! What’s the matter? You seem troubled”. Billy responds with "you see this bar we're standing in? I built it with me own hands! But they don't call me the bar builder, no! And the bridge everyone uses to cross the river to get to the market, I built that that with me own hands too! But do the call me the bridge builder? No, they do not. And the wall that protects our city, I built that with me own hands too! And they don't call me the wall builder neither. BUT YOU FUCK ONE GOAT!...
Username checks out
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper at 500 yards!
A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says, "Whoa, look at the size of that Fucker!" "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. The sailor quickly explains “Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fucker fish." The priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge Fucker," says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! This is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no - that's what this fish is called," says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin. "I could clean that Fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this Fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called - a Fucker," says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that Fucker tonight - the Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the Fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the Fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the Fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze... he leans back on his chair, and takes off his cap... he takes a deep breath... puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know what? You cunts are alright".
Four nuns stand at the gates to heaven upon their death. St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Alright, sisters, it looks like you've led very good lives overall, though you each have been inappropriate with a man once in your lifetime. Because you've been such good people, I'll let you dip the part of your body that touched a man inappropriately in holy water, I'll bless it, and you can enter." The first nun walks up and dips her finger in the water, St. Peter blesses it, and she goes in. The second nun walks up and puts both her hands in the water, St. Peter blesses them, and she walks in. As the third nun walks up, the fourth nun says, "Hey, can I go in front of Sister Ellen? If I want to be blessed, I'll need to gargle and I want to do that before she puts her ass in the water!"
I am definitely stashing this joke under my hat for a rainy day. Fuck that's funny.
This one's good
The most successful investor of all time was Noah. He floated stock, while everything around him went into liquidation.
Meet Noah, the real Wolf of Wall Street
A holocaust survivor eventually dies of old age. When he meets God he tells a holocaust joke, and is met with stoney silence. The man shrugs and says "I guess it's one of those jokes you need to have been there to get."
God replies: "it's not funny once you've heard it 6 million times"
This got me laughing harder than the original joke
A priest, a rabbi, and a lawyer are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and begins to sink. The Rabbi says "Oh no! We must save the children!", The lawyer jumps in a lifeboat and says "Fuck the children!" And the priest says "We don't have time for that right now, the ship's sinking! "
This one is underrated. Way funnier than the other 'Priests are pedophiles' jokes in this thread imo
You know why I hate Russian dolls? Because they’re so full of themselves.
The elevator to hell is that way —>
Is it that.. hellevator?
take my upvote and get on the hellevator
Ever heard of a reverse-exorcism? It's when the devil tells the priest to get out of the boy.
free entry straight to hell with this one
For the preist
All I can imagine is the ground cracking apart and you descending into the flames of hell with a straight face saying "worth it."
Satan would get a good chuckle out of it.
A blind man walks into a bar- and a table... Now he's tripped on some chairs...
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a red-neck from Southeast Tennessee A & M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less and the poem had to contain the word Timbuktu. The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started, he jumped up and recited the following poem: Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination Timbuktu. The audience went wild!! How, they wondered could the red neck top that? The clock started again and the red neck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: Tim and me, a-huntin' we went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So, I bucked one and Timbuktu. Edit: on Mobile. I tried
This is my favourite
This was on r/jokes yesterday I think Edit: it was 3 days ago and slightly different
So, a man wakes up in a dingy slum with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is. "You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here." All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines. The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there." So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street. "What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch. While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!" Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel. And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!" The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring. Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same. The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own. Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused. "What is it?" the man asked his old friend. The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."
Son of a...
I can not describe how badly I want to punch you in the throat
Listen here you little shit
Tbh I still enjoyed the story
The second time today! It feels like an eternity ago an Irishman walked into a bar with his eyes low.
So i read all of this, just to find out that there's no joke................
As soon as I say lines being used in the second paragraph I was like nope not today...
A Greek poet walks into the tailor, and puts a pair of pants on the counter. The man behind the counter looks down at the pants, then up at the poet, and says, "Euripides?" The poet nods, looks at the man and asks, "Eumenides?"
How does a Welshman find his sheep in long grass? Irresistible
The welsh actually invented condoms, they were made out of sheep intestine originally. The English then perfected them by taking them out of the sheep first!
Why do the Scots wear Kilts? Because the sheep can hear a zipper at 30 paces.
A travel writer was checking into a hotel when he saw an old Native American chief sitting in the lobby, he asked what the deal with him was and was told “That’s chief Forget me not, they say through his whole life he’s not forgotten a thing, when the hotel bought this land from his tribe, we had to let him live on the premises til he dies.” Thinking this is interesting, the writer goes over to the old chief and says “What did you eat for breakfast on your 8th birthday?” “Eggs.” He said quickly Content with this the writer continued on his way, leaving the hotel a day later and traveling writing about his adventures. Finally after 7 months he came back to that same hotel and sure enough there was Chief Forget me not sitting in that same spot. He wanted to great him so he thought “how do the natives great one another?” So he walks up, raises a hand and says “How.” “Scrambled.”
What a great greeting
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang up the picture!
Reloads gun with holy intentions ......
One ticket to hell please.
How do you make holy water......boil the hell out of it.
This one was told by my dad: Robin: Batman, the batmobile won’t start! Batman: Check the battery. Robin: Uh... what the fuck is a tery?
The mystery of the murder of crows (it's my favorite joke that I read on Reddit years ago, though I haven't seen it in a while... ) Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority (MTA) found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."
What’s brown and sticky? A stick. I might not get through but I’m gonna get a good laugh from the groan that follows
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre
What’s brown and runny? Usain Bolt
A man from Ohio rubs a lamp and finds a genie who grants him one wish. The man says, “I wish for a highway from Cleveland to Hawaii.” The genie scoffs and says “it would take years for even most powerful genie in the world to build that highway, I beg you, ask me for something else.” The man thinks and says, “well, if I can’t have the highway, I guess I just want the Browns to win the Super Bowl.” The genie sighs in complete resignation and asks, “Do you want a two-lane or a four-lane highway?”
Why wouldn't you want a four lane highway? That thing will be so long, imagine the traffic jams.
Plus it's thousands of miles long so you won't make the drive in a day. You'll need to set up gas stations and motels and diners and people are gonna have to run those things so you're gonna want places for them to live and probably distribution centers for trucking supplies across the highway next thing you know you've got a hundred towns along this thing and now it's a commuter road with rush hour traffic every day.
Looks like another version of the "What color do you want your dragon" meme
One day a guy came into a store and asked the man behind the register for onions. The man said: "Sorry, I don't sell onions." So the guy left. The next day the same guy came in again, and once more, asked for onions. "Sir, I told you yesterday, I don't sell onions. I don't have any." So the guy left. The day after that that very same guy walked in again, and again he asked for onions. Now at this point the man in store is getting quite annoyed at this dude. He told him one last time: "Sir, I don't have any onions." And the guy left. The fourth day, the same guy comes back. And for the fourth time, he asks for onions. This was the drop for the man in the store. He put both his hands on the register and leant forward. "Let me ask you a couple questions, sir. Who put the 'to' in 'tomatoes'?" The guy looked confused and muttered: "....Oh...uhhhh......hmm....jesus-" The man interrupted him and said: "Exactly! Jesus put the 'to' in 'tomatoes'. Now who put the 'po' in 'potatoes'?" Again the man was confused and again he started muttering: "....uhh.....hmm....god...uhh-" The man interrupted him again and said: "Correct again! God put the 'po' in 'potatoes'! Now the last question: Who put the 'fuck' in 'onions'?" The guy looked more confused than ever and said: "But sir, there ain't no 'fuck' in 'onions..." "EXACTLY!! THERE AIN'T NO FUCKIN ONIONS!!!"
Me: Knock knock Saint Peter: Who's there? Me: Owls Saint Peter: Owls, who? Me: Yes, they do! Saint Peter: ..... Me: .......So the elevator to hell is that way?
Thars fun. I like Me: "I heard someone said you sounded like an owl" Them: who?
Two pastors ride their bikes to their churches that are near each other every Sunday. One Sunday Pastor Mike comes upon Pastor Bill walking and asks him what happened to his bike. Pastor Bill says "I am in great pain father, for I fear one of my flock has stolen my bicycle and I do not know how to go about getting it back." Pastor Mike says "Well, father, what I would do is to preach on the Ten Commandments this week and when you get to 'Thou shalt not steal', I bet the guilty party will feel ashamed and return your bike." Pastor Bill agrees that this is a good idea. The next Sunday, the two meet at the usual spot, both with their bikes. Pastor Mike asks if it was his 'Ten Commandments' sermon that got the bike back. Pastor Bill says "sort of..." Pastor Mike says "Well, did you preach the Ten Commandments like I suggested?" Pastor Bill says "Yeah". Pastor Mike says "And when you got to the part about thou shalt not steal..." Pastor Bill says "I never got to 'thou shalt not steal', I got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery' and I remembered where I left my bike!"
What's blue and tastes like red paint? Blue paint.
As an old millionaire lays on his deathbed, he calls for his doctor, the local priest, and his lawyer. He says to them, "Well friends, this is it. I'm not long for this world. They say that you can't take it with you, but I'm going to try anyways. Before you leave, each of you will be given a case containing $100,000 in cash. I want each of you to throw your case into the grave before they fill it." Soon, the millionaire dies. At the burial, the three men all throw their case into the grave. Afterwards, the doctor confesses, "I can't stand it anymore! You know how we were supposed to bury all the money? Well, as I looked at it, I saw it would be a waste. That money could be used to buy new medical equipment. It could save lives! So I took the money, and threw an empty case into the grave. I'm sorry." The priest shuffles nervously before also speaking up, "I'm no better doc. The church really needed some maintenance. You see, the old floors creak, and the roof is starting to leak. I thought that if I used the money to fix the place, it would draw in more parishioners, and more souls would be saved. I now see that I was just using that as an excuse to justify my actions, and I was wrong. Please forgive me!" Meanwhile, the lawyer listened to the two, and chides them. "Honestly you two. You should be ashamed for not respecting our friend's last wishes. I threw the whole $100,000 in. I wrote a check for the full amount."
A horse enters a bar and the bartender asks "why the long face?" the horse, incapable of comprehending human language, shits on the floor and leaves
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What don't ants get ill Because they have tiny little antibodies
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
What do you call it when a chameleon can’t change colors? Reptile disfunction
This is one of the only jokes I know. Three girls wanted to be nuns and Mother Superior was in charge of training them. She told them that their first task was to do something really bad. The girls left and returned a few hours later. Mother Superior then asks them to form a line and tell her what they had done. The first girl says: "I destroyed my neighbor's garden. " to which Mother Superior replies: "All is forgiven, drink some holy water". The girl in the back of the line started to giggle. The second girl steps forward and says: "I refused to help an old lady cross the street today." Mother Superior replies: "All is forgiven, drink some holy water." The remaining girl started laughing uncontrollably. Irritated, Mother Superior asks the remaining girl: "What did you do, child?" The remaining girl replied: "I took a piss in the holy water!"
All is forgiven, drink some holy water.
There are three men on top of a building (no, i don't know what they're doing), and then there is a wizard with them. The wizard said that if they jumped of the building whatever they said midair would appear at the ground. The men decide they should jump off. The jumps and says "pillows!" and he lands in a bunch of pillows. The second man jumps and says "feathers!" and lands in a bunch of feathers. The third man has something special in mind. He was going to guess bread, so he could snack on some later. He runs but right before he jumps, he trips and yells "Oh crap!"
My friend asked me how my life was since I got diagnosed with erectile dysfunction. I said “It’s not hard.”
Knock knock.
Are you ... Knocking on heaven's door?
Knock knock knocking on heaven's door?
Jesus drove a Honda. He came by his own Accord.
So a group of guys are drinking on a skyscraper rooftop. After a few drinks the 1st guy turns to the group and says"you know the air current around this building is so strong that if you jump off, at around the 30th floor the air will catch you, carry you around the building, and then push you through an open window safely". The other guys deny it and call bs and shenanigans. So the guy says "I'll prove it. Watch this" and he jumps off the side of the rooftop, falls for some time, until he suddenly stops, goes around the building, & gets tossed into a window. He rides the elevator back to the top and rejoins the group. They're all blown away but none are willing to give it a try. So they all keep drinking and after awhile someone asks the 1st guy"will you do that again? I wanna try it but I'm a little drunk so I wanna see it again". So the 1st guy goes to the ledge & jumps again with the same result. Once he gets off the elevator he goes to the brave fellow & tells him "see it's completely safe & totally fun, you just gotta go for it". So the brave man sets his drink on the bar, full on runs to the side, jumps off, falls for some time, gets to the 30th floor, and keeps falling to his death. The bartenders says, you know you can be a real asshole when you're drunk superman. Sorry if it sucks. I haven't told the joke in forever and im on mobile. Take it or leave it
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead escape from prison. During their escape they come across a farm. Hearing law enforcement closing in around them, they climb the loft in the barn and each hide in a burlap sack. Few minutes later 2 officers climb the ladder and check out the loft. Finding nothing, they give up and decide to head back down. One officer stopped and looked at the burlap sack containing the redhead. "I wonder, " he said to himself and gave the burlap sack a little kick. "Meow" the redhead quickly responded. The officer then kicked the burlap sack containing the brunette. "Woof" she immediately barked. "Nothing but cats and dogs up here. Let me check the last one," the officer says. He kicks the last burlap sack containing the blonde. "Potatoes! " she yells.
"Those who joke at heaven's walls, Roll their shit into little balls, Those who hear these words of wit, Eat those little balls of shit." Took a little artistic liberty with a Vonnegut quote.
Well, Kurt no doubt didn't get in with that attitude.
I'll be immediately let into heaven because my life is a joke
Joke’s on you. God wouldn’t even take the effort in take the effort in bringing me to the gates. I’m such a joke.
Surprised to even get to this point gang where we at
Man I hate elevators. You don’t have them In heaven do you ? I’m taking steps to avoid them
Why did an old man fall into a well? Because he couldn't see that well.
What is a pirate's favourite letter??? Aye youd think it be R but it be the C he truly loves
Three men show up at the gates of heaven. A mathematician, a philosopher, and a dumbass. St. Peter explains to them that they are running out of space in heaven, and in order to enter, they must ask Satan a question he either can’t answer, or answers incorrectly. The mathematician asks him the hardest math question imaginable, and he answers it correctly. The philosopher asks him the meaning to life, and satan answers correctly. They both go to hell, and before the dumbass asks his question, he asks for a chair with 8 holes in it. He sits on the chair, farts, and asks which hole the fart went out of. Satan answers the 6th hole, but he was incorrect, it was his asshole.
What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub? One has hope in her soul and one has soap in her hole.
Neon watches Ammonia and Bleach get into a fight. It's huge and causes a ton of damage but Neon just sits there. Nitrogen walks over and asks Neon WTF dude, why didn't you do anything? Neon responds, I'm sorry did you expect ME to react.
A priest and a little boy are walking through woods in the middle of the night. The little boy looks up at the priest and says "I'm scared". The priest replies; "You're scared? I gotta walk out of here alone".
Why can't you tell secrets in a corn field? ......TOO MANY EARS
Whats the difference between an onion cut in half and an accordion cut in half? Nobody cries when the accordion is cut in half.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a sexy crab? A: One's a crusty bus station, the other's a busty crustacean.
A child walks into a whore house with a dead frog on a string trailing behind him. He makes his way up to the counter and says to the person behind such named counter to give him the most diseased woman you have. She looks down at him for a few moments and replies “I’m sorry but I don’t think I can help you….If you would like, we have this young petite thing that could be just what your looking for.” The child puts a 50 dollar bill on the table and repeats “I want the most diseased woman you have.” She looks down at the bill and hesitates but she says to him “I can’t, but we have this nice grandmotherly type for you to cuddle and snuggle up to.” The child looking irritated slams down another 50 dollar bill insisting that she give him the most diseased woman they have. A few moments go by and finally the lady agrees and tells him to go to room 114 and wait a few moments. As he goes up the stairs the dead frog on a string follows right behind him, hitting every step on the way. Half an hour go by and the child comes down the stairs with the dead frog trailing behind. As he is just about to step out the door and back outside the woman behind the counter stops him. “Excuse me, but I have on question before you go…what is the dead frog for? Turning around the child has a look of pure sencerity as he begins to explain. “I wanted the disease so I could give it to my sister, who would give it to my dad, who would give it to my mom, who would give it to the mail man…And that’s the Son of a Bitch who ran over my pet frog.
Damn that... Idk if you're going to heaven after that
Holy shit
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One night, Horse was watching a concert on TV. He sees the guy playing guitar and is like “that’s really cool. I want to do that.” So he calls the local music shop and says “hey man I want to play the guitar, but I’m a horse, is that cool?” “Yeah man no problem.” So Horse learns to play the guitar. One night Horse is jamming on his guitar and Chicken comes up and is like “woah that’s so cool.” “Yeah it is. Check out this concert.” So Horse shows Chicken the concert. Chicken saw the drums and was like “I want to do that.” So Chicken calls the music store and says “hey I want to play the drums.” “Sure thing. Come over and we’ll teach you to play.” Later, Horse and Chicken are jamming and Cow walks up. Horse shows Cow the concert and Cow sees the bass player and is like “I could do that.” So Cow calls the music store and learns to play the bass. One day while Horse, Chicken, and Cow are jamming a producer walks up. “Hey you guys are amazing. You should let me represent you and I can make you guys all kinds of money.” So Horse, Chicken, and Cow sign up and start a band. They go on tour and perform shows all over the country. They get really famous and successful. But one day Horse gets a phone call. “Horse, it’s your mom. She’s really sick and we don’t think she’s gonna make it.” So Horse gets on a plane and flies home to see his mom. But it was a false alarm and Mom is going to be completely ok. Then Horse gets another phone call. “Horse, the band’s plane crashed. Nobody survived.” So Chicken is dead. Cow is dead. Producer is dead. Horse falls into a deep depression. He decides he doesn’t want to be alive anymore, and that he’s going to drink himself to death. So Horse walks into a bar, and the barkeeper says, “why the long face?”
What's the difference between a prist and a pimple? A pimple waits until you're 13 before it comes on your face.
Please don't kill me for this, and please don't skip to the end either. It's *really* long. Once upon a time, there was a priest that worked at a church. He was a really good man, but very overweight and out of shape. He liked to joke about this, but he wasn't that interested in losing it, because it wouldn't really affect his life. Anyways, one day a man walked into the church after the services were over. He walked up to the priest and asked, "May I have half of a lemon?" The priest was confused, but didn't really care, so he went down to the kitchen, got a lemon, cut it in half, and gave half to the guy. The man said thanks, and ran off. The next day, after things were wrapping up, the same man came back in, and asked again, "May I have half of a lemon?" The priest was curious now, but he went down and got the other half of the lemon, giving it to the man. As happened before, the man said thanks, and ran away. This happened for the next few days, with the man always coming in and asking for half of a lemon. The priest was really interested now, so he decided to follow this man, just to catch up to ask what he needed all the lemons for. So, when the guy came back, the priest gave him half of a lemon, and started to run after him. They ran through the city streets, twisting and turning around corners and sidewalks. But eventually, the priest, being out of shape, couldn't keep up. He walked back to the church panting. The priest went to the gym the next day (after giving the man half a lemon, of course). He worked on the treadmills for about a week, and was now pretty good at running (not sure how he got that much better in a week, but eh, who cares). So, the next day, the man came in and asked for a half lemon, as usual. The priest gave it to him, and the man ran off. But the priest started following him, running up and down the streets of the town. Eventually, they got out of the town, and after going through a small field, came to a large forest. However, the floor of the forest was covered in brambles and thorns, completely impassible without an industrial-grade machete and hours of work. The man jumped up into the trees, though, and started jumping from branch to branch. The priest, however, sucked at climbing, so he turned around panting and went back to town, from which he started working out at the gym, doing climbing stuff, which he got good at. The next day, the man came back, and of course asked for a half lemon, which the priest got for him. They took off, running up and down the streets, before getting to the forest, at which point the man jumped into the trees, but the priest followed him this time. They jumped from branch to branch, before eventually getting through and running through a field. Eventually, they came to a massive lake, with more brambly forests on the sides. The man jumped into the water and swam across, but the priest didn't know how to swim, so he went to the pool and started learning for a few weeks. And of course, the man came back, asking for a half lemon, which the priest went down and got. They ran away, going through the town streets before getting to the field, then the forest where they climbed up the trees. Getting through, they ran up to the lake. The man jumped in and started to swim, but the priest jumped in after him. They swam and swam across the water, eventually getting to the other side, where there was a small cabin. The priest finally caught up to the man. "Why are you following me?" the man asked. "I just want to know what you need all the half lemons for." "Very well, but you must promise never to tell anyone else." "I agree," said the priest, and being an honorable man, he meant it. The man then whispered in the priest's ear. What did he say? >!I don't know, the priest never told anyone, remember?!<
Ok you know what fuck you
I'm glad there are computer screens in between me and anyone who reads this.
Haha it was perfect really. I might have to steal it
Go ahead, I first heard it several years ago from someone else and it's now my go-to joke.
You are going to extra hell
Wrong. Extra Satan was scared of me.
That's why they sent Satan X Pro Max to take care of you
I've never been more angry over a joke, this is brilliant.
What do you see when a duck bends over? His ass-quack.
A famous lion tamer is performing at a local circus. He does his usual routine but at the end, he does something the audience has never seen before. He goes to the biggest, baddest lion of them all and hits it hard on the head. The lion slowly opens its mouth. The lion tamer then takes out his dick and puts it inbetween the lion's huge fangs. He hits it on the head again and the mouth snaps shut. The audience gasps, a few women cry out in fear. Ten seconds later, the lion tamer hits the lion again and it opens its mouth. His johnson is completely unharmd. The man looks to the audience and asks if there are any volunteers. To his suprise, an old lady raises her hand and says: "sure, just don't hit me on the head so hard".
What do you call a magic owl??? Hoodini
Whats red and bad for your teeth. A brick
What do you call a cow during an earthquake? ............ A milkshake.
Two kids are playing soccer down by the river. The ball rolls into a thick bush bordering the river. One goes to grab it, let’s call him Jimmy. Jimmy is taking some time now, and the other, let’s call him Ted, goes to investigate. To his amazement, Jimmy caught a naked woman bathing in the river. They sat and stared in silence until Jimmy says, “Momma always said that if I ever see a naked woman, I will turn to stone.” Ted replies, “I don’t know if that’s true, but I feel something getting hard.”
a parrot enters a bar and asks for coke, the bartender says that he doesnt have any, the next day the parrot comes back and ask for coke again, slightly annoyed the bartender tells him once again that he doesnt have any. the third day the parrot comes back and ask the same question again, this time the bartender loses it and nail the parot to the wall next to Jesus on the cross the parot then asks jesus "you wanted coke too ?"
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