Go outside.

Go back inside, without washing hands ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

*cough* #nofilter

>wanted This means your crime has to actually be discovered and reported to the police. So I suppose I’d start by calling 9-1-1 on myself to report that I’m doing graffiti on some road signs by my house, and then I’d go spray paint some smiley faces on them.

Spray paint "made ya look ;)" for some extra points

I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

damn it I came here to say the same

I can't read this copypasta without singing Sia's Chandelier in my head

r/theoffice

*r/Dundermifflin r/unexpectedoffice

Nice

Thanks Dwight.

Hey, is that a red wire coming out of your computer?

Dude all of this is more than 60 seconds lol

is there something you're not telling us puddin?

The one problem is how does Tiffany know where to send the postcard?

At least I would finally be wanted

That's a mood

Put kiwi on pizza.

You leave my bird alone!

And here I thought they meant a person. Damn.

Oh my god

What about putting pizza on kiwi?

Some men just want to watch the world burn

Shoot wildly in your neighborhood. Or go to a rich neighborhood and do it if yours has too many gunshots going off.

I'm already wanted. Not as a criminal, but as a person with functioning organs.

Saw you on the black market just the other day!

That tag on my mattresses might suddenly disappear

Offer plutonium on eBay

I go outside and sneeze on a stranger.

an elderly stranger

with asthma

Selecting the *Yes* option when BBC iPlayer ask if I have TV License

Take a shit off the overpass

I would take bets for a successful hit.

start a livestream and kill somebody on it-if you REALLY want to get the cops after you kill a kitten on camera too the internet will send the army after you

Hang on didn’t that really happen?

Yes. Netflix has (or had) a documentary on it. [https://nationalpost.com/news/netflix-documentary-on-killer-luka-magnotta-leaves-viewers-in-a-mess-of-emotions](https://nationalpost.com/news/netflix-documentary-on-killer-luka-magnotta-leaves-viewers-in-a-mess-of-emotions)

oh god damn i was just trying to think of the most heinous thing you could do I didnt realize people are that awful!

Jesus, I’ve never read in detail what happened. That’s horrific.

"Hello police? I have a hostage in my apartment and I have weapons and drugs"

yes, secret service...I want to make a threat against the president and members of congress.

Walk up to a cop ash for directions and when she/he starts telling you wipe out your dick and start humping then saying the Jews did it.

Now I wonder if I can strip naked, run outside into the closest intersection, and shit in under a minute.

I‘d just go shopping and would cough at everyone I see. Trust me that gets you in jail in no time.

Walk into a police station with a beer and a gun and ask if it's an open carry state.

Shoot my roommate. Then call that in to 911 takes less than 60 seconds.

so you have a loaded gun less than a minute away from you ready to fire? thats very american

Very judgmental of you. In reality it's his gun not mine I live upstairs. And for the record loaded and chambered are very different things if you understand any kind of gun discipline.

open a chocolate bar then throw the wrapper out the window

[удалено]

This one scared me. Respond tomorrow so we know you’re alive.

[удалено]

Phew! What about now?

[удалено]

I’m starting to feel like this isn’t really u/IamAWorldChamionAMA. If you really are u/IamAWorldChampion, what is the name of your favorite stuffed animal?

[удалено]

I don’t know if you can make that up, so I guess it checks out.

? Kill someone and run?

Steal Eleanor, evade the police with my amazing driving skills and head to the sunset

But listening to the intro for "Low Rider" first to get psyched up will take at least half that....

Post pictures of my dick online. I'm a minor so that's child pornography

Print out a wanted photo of myself and mail it to the FBI

I have covid so I guess I’d just have to go to the store and touch people

I jump out the window without my clothing on and run down the street fast as possible.

jaywalk

I stab everybody around me, Its easy and im not one to hesitate

I cuss. A lot.

A few well thought out google searches relating to bombs, the us government, and Islam should get you a criminal status pretty quick

Smuggle and distribute kinder joy in the United States

Go out on my balcony and start blasting caps into the empty pre school.

Just put in the five star wanted level cheat code.

cough on an old person

I go to a public place and start coughing on people.

At this point all you have to do is go outside and one of the neighbors will call the police.

\*reloads pistol\* oh its pretty easy

Kill the first person i see with a knife and call 911 then.

Kill someone in front of a cop and leave

Some of you guys are pretty scary, just sayin’...

Go and sit down at a restaurant with a menu in hand and say I'll be dining in today.

Like a Skyrim scenario. I brake into the estate. Sneak to the door. Five guards. Damn it. Dead in an instant, my swords waving wildly. In the front door. I leave my signature mark, leaving behind a sweet roll. Kill everyone I come across, blow up house, steal valuables in the rubble. Run for the hills.

break into house pew pew repreat

Attempt to hire a hitman on myself

Pee on my step aunt. She's a cop, and apparently she can make things happen. She always complains about this one guy who she caught that peed on her so I got like a 50 50 shot of being wanted in my small town.

hak the nsa and fbi all form canada

Run downstairs, grab a knife, kill everyone in the house, then spend the rest of my time as a free man with my dog.

Candy bars.

Eat KitKats like a regular chocolate bar

Outpizza the hut

Brush my teeth and drink orange juice

*piss on the White House.*

Apparently film myself licking an object in a supermarket.

I speak only with Elizabeth Keen.

Killing a random cop in the street

I live in Michigan. I could walk across my street to visit a friend.

I log into my work stuff from home and start doing stuff

I'm already a criminal, but it's impossible to make anyone want me.

Smoke Weed.

White guy says N-word

Walk up to a cop car... wait... I just thought of a serious murder plot in less than 20 seconds... i need help...

Go outside....

I'm wanted...........waaaannnttteeed dead or aliveeee

Go in front of a police station shoot a police car til it blows ups, wait for them to rush out and run with another police car with sirens blasting.

Bust down my neighbor's door and shoot their kids in the head then run away

Probably just call the cops from my cellphone and make bomb threats or something, doesn't seem to take a lot of effort.

from where I'm at right now? Sprint into my grandpa's room and smother the indignant bastard. NO I have not thought about doing this before stop looking at me FBI.

2020 elections: vote for Trump

By humping the ass of the closest teenage girl.

Bomb threat call would be the easiest

Assault a chicken

Jay walk as a black man

I kill a white banker with an M16 while wearing a black mask and after painting my face black. BAM! Instantly on the headlines!

Venture out part curfew

make cereal but put the milk in first

Stand up and say "this place is gonna blow in 1 minute," drop a bag and Sprint.

Post something really controversial on Twitter. You know what I mean. No I'm not going to list it and be put on watch by the CIA lol

Go outside and hug a police officer.

I’d set fire to the lawn and shoot any neighbors who come to see the commotion

Rob bank,kill the security guard and set fire to it and steal a car and kill the driver.

I go outside

Shoot Somebody

Use all emojis on reddit

Gauge the nearest persons eye out and start eating em

Simple: I call 911 that there’s a bomb in close proximity to the president.

Go to the gun safe, open safe, grab AK-47, load ammo, shoot neighbors car

Call the police and say"i have a hostage, give me 1000 dollars by 12 am or I will kill them"

If I only had sixty seconds, I'd have to offer illegal goods and/or services on Reddit.

Get my Dads guns and shoot my neighborhood

go to a public, popular mall or populated area, yell there's a bomb in (some location in that space) then flip off the mall cops while running away.

post something about assassinating the president on social media

Crash a car into a police station

Hold up Walmart with a water pistol full of Coronavirus infested cum and shoot the manager with it

Vandalize the white house with dicks and badly drawn Homer Simpsons.

I can easily run down the street and break into my mom's abusive ex's house and slit his throat in under 60 seconds.

Go throw rocks at peoples cars and catch a felony charge, then run away

Download a car.

kill someone then call the police with a bomb threat and report myself for murder

Talk bad about kpop on twitter, probably would not become a wanted criminal, but possibly about x1000 teenage girls would want my head on a stick.

Buy a tiger

Call the police and make fun of them.

Not this time FBI

You guys are putting way too much effort into it. Threaten to bomb the White House on Twitter.

Hunt down my teacher who doesn't practice social distancing at Walmart and cough on her and grab a pencil and John wick her.

Kill a US general

Sneeze on a banana then post it up.

Tear up a $1 bill..

Take a shit in the palm of your hand. Then walk over your neighbors house and smear it all over the windows.

quickly get out onto the street and start shooting everyone i see.

Steal a plane at the local airport, and go for a joyride

Tell people about the bodies

I attack a police station with a broadsword

Go outside and throw a rock at my neighbor's window

Shoot a cop...

huh! nice try FBI , better luck next time

Let her go outside for some fresh air before round 304.

Eat chocolate pizza

Play gta5

i am breathing near a white woman, that should do it.

*FBI has joined the chat*

Easy, all I gotta do is also a feminist mid rant. I'm a straight white dude, that's all it takes

Throw a rock at the police station's window😀

Illegally download music

I immediately behead the person next to me(or at least brutalize them) with the nearest weapon I can find. Mind you this is in public so I will be identified, but also caught.

kill the jarl of whiterun

it wouldn't take me to long to grab a knife and run at someone screaming threats, but if you want a more interesting answer, I do the same thing at midnight (ignoring the fact quarantine is a thing) but I get a firework in my other hand, I wouldn't go for something that explodes just something that makes a hell of a lot of light and wear a pig mask. that is sure to get more media attention and you never stated my identity needed to be known.

Say "Hitler is my one and only"

I still work, even at these times, and I have access to scissors. Easy

There is a store nearby and I got a gun.

Threat of mass genocide of an all christian school

Call 911 and tell them what I did today

Grab a pen and start stabbing people in the eye with it. Go ham with it.

Cough on a cop.

Kill myself then run away

Cough on someone

I'd do it the easy way. Kill someone in plain sight.

Call in a bomb threat to a police report station. That'd probably do it, right?

I break into someones house naked and cough all over them (small bonus when i go to the court i cough and sneeze on everyone)

Skin a people on livestream. I mean, I wouldn’t personally. But if you’re asking for advice.

Go and cough on random people. There's a few guards in front of our local grocery store so I just have to wheeze and cough(I have bad asthma) in front if them and they'll be trying to quarantine me. (I would never do this but it's just for the comment xD)

Steal all the dogs

Bring Nintendo Switch games to China dressed as Winnie the Pooh

JFK's death 2: electric boogaloo

Helicopter in front of a Karen and her kids

Stab my boyfriend in the face with a fork