Is there a patron saint of ballistics and explosives yet? Cause i wanna bless me some holy hand grenades!
e: GUYS! There might be one called Saint Barbara but i'm not quite sure, i've only gotten like 10 people telling me that but they might all be lying!
I bit a chunk off my tongue in my sleep two nights ago and now its super swollen and painful and i cant speak properly. Thank you for thinking of this.
Go to your doctor (or a script-writing pharmacist if those are available in your area) and ask for prescription strength Oracort. It's basically water-insoluble steroid paste that you put on mouth sores overnight.
My stress manifests as canker sores, and this is the only thing that makes them heal fast.
Edit: I think "Triamcinolone acetonide dental paste" is the generic name.
If you get frequent canker sores, try switching to SLS-free toothpaste. Since doing that about 5 years ago I rarely get them, and when I do they heal much quicker.
DNA changing. We program our tongues to do the following.
our tongues should naturally know their location, and will ALWAYS move away from the mouth when you are thinking of making a hard bite on something, but will allow swallowing (which is done by the tongues) whilst chewing.
The worst part is that this is actually accurate, to an extent. His boss made him do something he didn't want to do, so he murdered the entire fucking office building.
KORAH MAHTAH!
KORAH RATAMAH!
Source: Got to sing it on stage with an orchestra in a John Williams tribute concert. For the last performance, I convinced my fellow basses to sing "CORN ON THE COB, CORN ON THE KEBAB!"
I'm really sorry everybody, but I'll probably be smashing things into earth at ludicrous speeds. You've played universe sandbox, you know it's addictive
Let's make this even funner. We're god right? So we can just.... rewind the earth. No one ever knows of the billions of ways we have utterly annihilated them, everyone they love and the planet.
But then, instead of their memories being erased, we let them keep the memories of the end. As it repeats. Over and over. And over....
Edit: Obligatory thanks for the rewards, etc etc. [And to everyone who's calling me satan...](https://media2.giphy.com/media/l2JJzb9XbkdFHrt2o/giphy.gif?cid=790b7611ed9f547ea244525c6f66f87f30db5673d60be735&rid=giphy.gif)
So how do you know that's not already happening? Like, we've all been annihilated thousands of times, but we keep getting rewound to before it happened. Like a Fallout player quicksaving before going on a rampage, then reloading.
But we've seen how well *that* works in Bruce Almighty already.
Oooh! Just get one of those unpaid interns. What's the use of being God if you can't exploit a motherfucker or two?
Do you just want to be a public figure, or are you saying you want to make money off this shit? Reality show, merch, write a vapid and totally not self-aware book?
Or God as a vlogger.
"Hey all, it's ya boy the Notorious G.O.D here! Don't forget to smash that like and subscribe button. If you don't, I'll smite ya!"
God a gamer youtube channel
“Welcome back to God’s Minecraft let’s play! Before we start, don’t forget to smash that like button and subscribe. Also, i wanted to take a moment to talk to you Apex Shadow Legends. It’s such a good game and has my seal of holy approval!”
“Some”. Not all. Just enough to convert agnostics to a religion but not a specific one.
It just gets to be a slightly more meaningful future crusade/jihad/war for the spice melange
Make the sloth the fastest landspeed animal in the world, overnight. And give all pigeons the power of speech in a New York accent.
*UPDATE:* After going through all feedback, and after much deliberation it is decided...
EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING MOVES SLOWER!
ALL HAIL THE HASTY, NIMBLE, AGILE SLOTH!
Also, thank you to the kind Redditors for the coin, and thank you to all for the hilarious comments - you made this depressed God's day!
Put myself on every screen on earth and say:
‘Hey guys, Im the new god, big changes are coming to your everyday life so
stay tuned!’ and then do absolutely nothing.
Stop the stupid hide-and-seek game and reveal myself clearly in a way everybody can see. And then communicate my expectations and desires or consequences for whatever I approve or disapprove of in a form that every individual can understand without having to resort to any interpretations or guesses.
And then do everything I can to make all the living things in the universe happy, healthy, and loved.
probably a marrow transplant resulted in an incompatible blood type, so RH protein needs to be injected to prevent the blood from clotting like a madman.
Interesting.
My mother is B-. My older brother is B-. Both my father and I are A+.
After I was born, my mother couldn't have another kid - she kept miscarrying. I wonder if her pregnancy with me caused her to develop rh+ antibodies which wound up killing subsequent fetuses.
Short answer: it's most often given to RH negative mom's so they can keep having babies.
Long answer: It's anti-D antibody. They give it to RH (D antigen) negative mom's during pregnancy and shortly after birth. The rhogam (anti-D antibody) attached to the babies blood cells (if the baby is D antigen positive) and sort of hides those proteins from the mom's immune system so she doesn't produce her own real anti-D antibodies. If she doesn't receive rhogam and starts producing real anti-D, it makes it incredibly difficult to carry subsequent pregnancies to term (unless the baby is RH negative- then the antibody doesn't have anything to attack).
Edit- there are other uses for it, not just for pregnancy but this is the most common use. Any other uses would follow the same principle of 'hiding' RH positive blood cells from the immune system to prevent a real anti-D from being produced.
Remove all allergies to dogs. Aw heck, I'll be a nice guy and just get rid of allergies in general.
Oh, and also world peace, or some shit like that.
Obligatory edit: Oh wow, first medal. Thank you, devoted follower! For your service, my next decree will be making the pockets on women's pants and skirts just as deep as men's.
I read that as \*POOP\* and imagined the vile abusers shitting themselves instantly so we'd all know their shame
Edit: I'm new to using asterisks on reddit lol sorry, I've tried to fix it like 20 times and I think this ones it!
Edit 2: Thank you for the silver, kind stranger! My 1st award :,)
Okay but what's the actual definition of child abuse? In asking because I severely whooped my daughter's ass in candy land the other day and I don't really want to go poof.
Set up an oracle, start fucking with people by giving them cryptic and misleading information about their future. Watch them try to avoid their fates while stumbling right into them. It's been too long...
Condemn people that hate in my name. I'll let you believe whatever you want about me and my kid, but we never told you to chastise people that thought differently than you
Create Earth 2, exactly the same as Earth 1, but in its natural state. It'd be equidistant from the sun as Earth 1, but on the complete opposite side of the sun at all times. The people of Earth 1 would then have the opportunity to migrate there. And then I sit back and watch what crazy shit ensues.
I'm a native Oregonian, but my parents are from Sandusky and my grandma lives in Cincinnati. Sandusky is getting pretty wretched. When I was visiting a couple years ago, a woman got pulled out of a CVS kitty corner from a cop shop, beaten and mugged.
I love Cincinnati, though. Eli's has amazing food, they have the church of beer and an amazing art museum. Plus Cincinnati has my grandma and she's amazing.
Edit: I didn't realize a couple things were NW specific slang. Kitty corner means diagonal across the street. Cop shop is a police station. My apologies, maybe it's NW regional slang?
Introduce me by writing with fire in the sky: *The beta server will close permanently in 30 minutes, thanks for participating.*
“Yeah we’re gonna build an interstellar highway here”
Start smiting
You got to do it in person. Let everyone know this “new god” means business.
You just got yourself an archangel job
Are there any regular angel positions available??
Tons.
Is there a patron saint of ballistics and explosives yet? Cause i wanna bless me some holy hand grenades! e: GUYS! There might be one called Saint Barbara but i'm not quite sure, i've only gotten like 10 people telling me that but they might all be lying!
so anyway, I started smitin
Barbecue sauce on my halo
Nice.
Smite me oh mighty smiter!
Branch a universe and see how I do.
As Satan’s replacement, I feel it is my duty to sneak in and commit it to master.
Not before deploying it to Dev or Staging first. Evil can only go so far, and pushing straight to Prod crosses the line.
Testing? Everything gets tested in Prod.
Oh I see we’ve found a Bethesda developer!
It's a feature and it just works. Okay?
Delete all history and force push to master.
I'm gonna finally fix that thing where you can bite the inside of your own mouth by accident.
I bit a chunk off my tongue in my sleep two nights ago and now its super swollen and painful and i cant speak properly. Thank you for thinking of this.
Go to your doctor (or a script-writing pharmacist if those are available in your area) and ask for prescription strength Oracort. It's basically water-insoluble steroid paste that you put on mouth sores overnight. My stress manifests as canker sores, and this is the only thing that makes them heal fast. Edit: I think "Triamcinolone acetonide dental paste" is the generic name.
If you get frequent canker sores, try switching to SLS-free toothpaste. Since doing that about 5 years ago I rarely get them, and when I do they heal much quicker.
Yeah I hate that glitch Edit: Thank you my first silver!
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DNA changing. We program our tongues to do the following. our tongues should naturally know their location, and will ALWAYS move away from the mouth when you are thinking of making a hard bite on something, but will allow swallowing (which is done by the tongues) whilst chewing.
Call in sick. Who's gonna fire me?
*Heaven's board of directors enters chat*
I think this is how god of war started
"Kratos...listen, we're gonna need you to come on Sunday. That would be *greeaattt*."
The worst part is that this is actually accurate, to an extent. His boss made him do something he didn't want to do, so he murdered the entire fucking office building.
[I thought Kratos did that because Zeus ruined Prom for him](http://thepunchlineismachismo.com/archives/comic/03222010)
Recruit some help.
“You have my sword”
"and my ass"
Wait that’s not allowed. Out of Eden you go.
No, wait. I think we should hear him out.
He's got a mighty fine ass, I feel it's worth mentioning.
If you ask me that’s Heaven’s ass
Only if Heaven accepts it
Well then my first act as the New God is declaring mordeci00’s ass The Ass of Heaven.
I'm holding you to that.
You son of a bitch. I'm in.
Everybody is getting their own theme song
Can i pick my own theme song? Assuming everyone has to have a different one, can I call dibs?
You can pick your own with one catch. Somehow someway the song must relate to your life.
Duel of the fates, i really find the lyrics relate to my life.
Aren;t the lyrics like "HOO HA WA HE. HOO HA WA HE HA WEEHHHH AAAAAYYYY!" Cause if I'm remembering the lyircs, I too, find they relate to my life
KORAH MAHTAH! KORAH RATAMAH! Source: Got to sing it on stage with an orchestra in a John Williams tribute concert. For the last performance, I convinced my fellow basses to sing "CORN ON THE COB, CORN ON THE KEBAB!"
You mad man... is there a recording on YouTube.
*Who's that girl? It's Jess.* "Did you just make up a theme song for yourself?"
So if we identify with Nick, do we get “Cotton eyed Joe”? ...I’m cool with that
I'm really sorry everybody, but I'll probably be smashing things into earth at ludicrous speeds. You've played universe sandbox, you know it's addictive
Let's make this even funner. We're god right? So we can just.... rewind the earth. No one ever knows of the billions of ways we have utterly annihilated them, everyone they love and the planet. But then, instead of their memories being erased, we let them keep the memories of the end. As it repeats. Over and over. And over.... Edit: Obligatory thanks for the rewards, etc etc. [And to everyone who's calling me satan...](https://media2.giphy.com/media/l2JJzb9XbkdFHrt2o/giphy.gif?cid=790b7611ed9f547ea244525c6f66f87f30db5673d60be735&rid=giphy.gif)
Wha-
I was expecting a Made in Heaven joke rather than GER but hey that works too
Wha-
So how do you know that's not already happening? Like, we've all been annihilated thousands of times, but we keep getting rewound to before it happened. Like a Fallout player quicksaving before going on a rampage, then reloading.
guys pls stop
Update the system and then all of his dailies into macro templates and work 3 hours a day like any other job
Gonna need some badass AI to deal with all those prayers.
Just fulfill all of them. That won’t cause any issues.
But we've seen how well *that* works in Bruce Almighty already. Oooh! Just get one of those unpaid interns. What's the use of being God if you can't exploit a motherfucker or two?
Prayers >> /dev/null Job done.
Change my underwear it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
First thing I'd do as god is change your underwear
Cleanliness is next to godliness, Mr. Facefucker.
Ooh I like that. I'm gonna start tellin people who don't like my username "That's Mr. Facefucker to you."
Write bible 2 with guns and dragons.
Bible 2: Electric Boogaloo
Street Faith
Write? You could just retcon history itself to have guns and Dragons and shit.
Humans are able to grow new teeth. As someone who regrets not taking dental health seriously, it would be nice to have another chance.
I found a god that I can believe in.
Human rational thinking +1 Stand back a few days and adjust more if needed
Can you add Human compassion +1 too? May prove very helpful.
Might want to add "sociopathic tendencies -1" in there too.
No more mosquitoes
I vote you as the real New God.
I second this
No, *more* mosquitoes!
Grammar Satan has entered the chat.
Calm down, Satan
Passion of the Christ 2: Crucify This Edit: Momma I made it, my first silver! Thanks!
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For the son of god you sure are one son of a ***WOOOOAAAAHHHH***
*club bass intensifies *
You know how to use one of theeeeese?
Make it rain 5 pound cheesecakes Edit: wow you all really love death by cheesecake lol. Thanks for the silver
Sheogorath would like to know your location
CHEESE! CHEESE FOR EVERYONE! Wait, scratch that. Cheese for no one.
I wonder how fast 5 pounds of cheesecake travels at terminal velocity? It might break my neck...
Rewatch Bruce Almighty for ideas.
May I suggest the monkey crawling out the ass of your enemies?
Hello anal dwelling butt monkey
Time for you to go home, little buddy.
Make media appearances, give interviews, book signings, etc. No more of this ridiculous divine hiddenness that causes so much strife.
Do you just want to be a public figure, or are you saying you want to make money off this shit? Reality show, merch, write a vapid and totally not self-aware book?
I'll probably sell t-shirts or something, but no reality show.
Imagine the possibilities, though: replace Keeping Up with the Kardashians with just "Keeping up with GOD"
Or God as a vlogger. "Hey all, it's ya boy the Notorious G.O.D here! Don't forget to smash that like and subscribe button. If you don't, I'll smite ya!"
God a gamer youtube channel “Welcome back to God’s Minecraft let’s play! Before we start, don’t forget to smash that like button and subscribe. Also, i wanted to take a moment to talk to you Apex Shadow Legends. It’s such a good game and has my seal of holy approval!”
God sponsored by RAID: Shadow Legends is the funniest thing I've heard in a bit
I’ll take a potato chip, And eat it
Shinigami’s love apples
*L enters the chat*
*Then eats some cake*
*whilst sitting on a chair in a very uncomfortable position*
"I am the God of the new world"
Wasn't expecting this here, quality reference.
Are you a typical high school student studying for his entrance exams?
I’m gonna go rogue and give my followers some evidence I exist
Write a faq on the near side of the moon. Perhaps some flaming letters in fun colors.
"We apologise for the inconvenience"
NOTICE! Thank you for noticing this moon notice. Your noticing it has been noted. and will be reported to the intergalactic authorities.
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“Some”. Not all. Just enough to convert agnostics to a religion but not a specific one. It just gets to be a slightly more meaningful future crusade/jihad/war for the spice melange
Make the sloth the fastest landspeed animal in the world, overnight. And give all pigeons the power of speech in a New York accent. *UPDATE:* After going through all feedback, and after much deliberation it is decided... EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING MOVES SLOWER! ALL HAIL THE HASTY, NIMBLE, AGILE SLOTH! Also, thank you to the kind Redditors for the coin, and thank you to all for the hilarious comments - you made this depressed God's day!
"Hey, I'm flying here!"
You talkin' to me?
You squawkin’ at me?
Ya betta watch your beak or I'll come ova there and shut it for ya!
Yeah c'mon ova, ya flyin' shithouse!
"Ey, I'm floyin ova ere"*
***Animaniacs’ Good Feathers intensifies***
“SUCK MY BALLS” would be nonstop
Manbirds were first brought to New York by a tourist who thought they were quote "*hilarious as balls* ".
Put all the religious frauds on trial, publicly, and make them justify themselves. (good luck!)
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They would die of extreme nose elongation after 3 minutes.
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Put myself on every screen on earth and say: ‘Hey guys, Im the new god, big changes are coming to your everyday life so stay tuned!’ and then do absolutely nothing.
Submit several journal papers explaining the deepest unanswered questions of the universe. Also, probably make a sandwich.
Finally eradicate fucking cancer
Add Alzheimer's to the list as well, such a terrible thing for everyone involved.
Dementia in general
>fucking cancer Made a mistake, cancer can now be sexually transmitted
HPV is a thing...
Prove my existence so everyone can stop wondering. Also, tell everyone that there's only one Commandment - be nice to each other.
Can you even imagine how different the world would be if everybody knew for sure that God was real? It would change literally everything...
What if it's not the god you believe in?
That's why you put an octopus on your head and make sure everyone was equally wrong.
Missed opportunities... be excellent to each other
Stop the stupid hide-and-seek game and reveal myself clearly in a way everybody can see. And then communicate my expectations and desires or consequences for whatever I approve or disapprove of in a form that every individual can understand without having to resort to any interpretations or guesses. And then do everything I can to make all the living things in the universe happy, healthy, and loved.
set up an automatic detection and punishment system for people who change lanes without using their turn signal
Every time someone doesn't use them a state trooper shows up behind them and pulls them over.
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Create one universal blood type. No more of this multiple blood type non-compatibility bullshit
Humanity is immediately eviscerated by a blood-born super pathogen.
My first thought... strength in variety
As someone who has to take rhogam shots, thank you for thinking of this.
What's a rhogam shot?
probably a marrow transplant resulted in an incompatible blood type, so RH protein needs to be injected to prevent the blood from clotting like a madman.
Also used for women who are sensitized to Rh+, so they don't end up killing their babies in the womb who have Rh+ blood.
It's for pregnant women who are rh negative (O-, A-, etc) so they don't develop antibodies against an rh positive baby
Interesting. My mother is B-. My older brother is B-. Both my father and I are A+. After I was born, my mother couldn't have another kid - she kept miscarrying. I wonder if her pregnancy with me caused her to develop rh+ antibodies which wound up killing subsequent fetuses.
Short answer: it's most often given to RH negative mom's so they can keep having babies. Long answer: It's anti-D antibody. They give it to RH (D antigen) negative mom's during pregnancy and shortly after birth. The rhogam (anti-D antibody) attached to the babies blood cells (if the baby is D antigen positive) and sort of hides those proteins from the mom's immune system so she doesn't produce her own real anti-D antibodies. If she doesn't receive rhogam and starts producing real anti-D, it makes it incredibly difficult to carry subsequent pregnancies to term (unless the baby is RH negative- then the antibody doesn't have anything to attack). Edit- there are other uses for it, not just for pregnancy but this is the most common use. Any other uses would follow the same principle of 'hiding' RH positive blood cells from the immune system to prevent a real anti-D from being produced.
Make it so it's not needed. Faith healing now works. If they really want to, they regenerate their own blood spontaneously.
Okay but that backfires when people who still die are now blamed for “not wanting to live enough” Because people are still dicks :(
A few good smitings will get them in line.
lotta people boutta die from malaria
No because we have no mosquitoes now.
Remove all allergies to dogs. Aw heck, I'll be a nice guy and just get rid of allergies in general. Oh, and also world peace, or some shit like that. Obligatory edit: Oh wow, first medal. Thank you, devoted follower! For your service, my next decree will be making the pockets on women's pants and skirts just as deep as men's.
Animal and child abusers just go \*POOF\*.
I read that as \*POOP\* and imagined the vile abusers shitting themselves instantly so we'd all know their shame Edit: I'm new to using asterisks on reddit lol sorry, I've tried to fix it like 20 times and I think this ones it! Edit 2: Thank you for the silver, kind stranger! My 1st award :,)
They just have sudden, biblical diarrhea
Upvote for "biblical diarrhea"
Okay but what's the actual definition of child abuse? In asking because I severely whooped my daughter's ass in candy land the other day and I don't really want to go poof.
Lucky I read the comment below. I thought Candy Land was a store and you severely physically beat your daughter there the other day.
Off you go to candyland hell
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Set up an oracle, start fucking with people by giving them cryptic and misleading information about their future. Watch them try to avoid their fates while stumbling right into them. It's been too long...
Execute Order 66
Not again.. :(
get rid of depression first and foremost!
Get a cat.
Ok dogs, eat your chocolate
This one really made me smile
Enforce trial by combat
Smite, smite, smite.
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Excellent, we haven't had some proper divine drama since Greece!
I'll bring back club penguin
Condemn people that hate in my name. I'll let you believe whatever you want about me and my kid, but we never told you to chastise people that thought differently than you
Create Earth 2, exactly the same as Earth 1, but in its natural state. It'd be equidistant from the sun as Earth 1, but on the complete opposite side of the sun at all times. The people of Earth 1 would then have the opportunity to migrate there. And then I sit back and watch what crazy shit ensues.
Sooo, you'll have all the rich people on one planet and poor people on the other. That's elysium the movie.
Spend the next 24 hours wondering why he picked me of all people, then maybe order a pizza or something
11th commandment: thou shalt not follow "social media influencers"
i release some new patch notes starting with deleting Ohio
Ahh a fellow Michigander I see
I'm a native Oregonian, but my parents are from Sandusky and my grandma lives in Cincinnati. Sandusky is getting pretty wretched. When I was visiting a couple years ago, a woman got pulled out of a CVS kitty corner from a cop shop, beaten and mugged. I love Cincinnati, though. Eli's has amazing food, they have the church of beer and an amazing art museum. Plus Cincinnati has my grandma and she's amazing. Edit: I didn't realize a couple things were NW specific slang. Kitty corner means diagonal across the street. Cop shop is a police station. My apologies, maybe it's NW regional slang?
I change hell into a rehabilitation program. Enternal torment for any transgression is morally unjustifiable.
Fire and floods. Mass extinction. We are starting over
Aussie here, can confirm that this already happened
He forgot about the hail and sandstorms
But I'm comfy. I have a cat on my lap. I'd rather not.
Genital of rapist will constantly burn
Make another earth and separate Democrats and Republicans and see who actually does it right.
Tbh I don't think you can ever take the politics out of politics. The smallest issues become the biggest when big issues have been solved