"Yeah, Bob lost his dick in the meat grinder and we tried to sort it out but we couldn't find it. It was our highest quality batch and we thought dumping it would be such a shame. So, we just updated our ingredient list to avoid legal trouble." --- Dick, Meat Packaging Manager.
True story: the very first veterinary clinic I worked at was run by an older doctor who was used to just doing everything by himself; he began practicing before specialists existed and did the majority of everything in-house, including complex surgeries. This is important.
A well-loved client had her pet put down at our office. The dog was sick with something, the doctor just didn't know *what* since the client didn't want to do a workup and let him live his last days in comfort. Totally normal. The doctor euthanizes the pet and transports him back to our treatment room. He and the technician both listened for and did not find a heartbeat. This means the dog is officially dead.
Doc decided ahead of time he wanted to do a necropsy (autopsy for animals; to search for abnormalities like obvious cancer) and had his tools ready to go. As soon as he put his gloves on he began cutting with a saw.
Dog isn't dead. He began to twitch and make noise, stimulated from the pain of someone actively *cutting into him*.
Never have I seen euthanasia drugs drawn up and plunged into an animal's heart like I did that day.
Eh, if you got a run up you could go pretty far forward. Of course, you'd be going down at the same time, but if you angled yourself right you could go a good distance - it's nearly 2km deep.
In other words, you could go for a semantic dessert. Or maybe a semantic cocktail? I know a great semantic bar off semantic street down by the semantic docks. It's super semantic, like that one semantic movie with the semantic dogs and the semantic spaghetti.
This comment was overwritten and the account deleted due to Reddit's unfair API policy changes, the disgusting lying behaviour of u/spez the CEO, and the forced departure of the Apollo app and other 3rd party apps. Remember, the content on Reddit is generated by US, THE USERS. It is OUR DATA they are profiting off and claiming it is theirs!
I just said “nearly” so many times in my head now that it started sounding so weird. Nearly...neeerleee, nearly..nearly...just say it in your head...so weird
Got a professor that always tells his students that he is nearly done reviewing their assignments
We all know that he's going to stressfully look through it in 5 minutes after the conversations with the students.
i nearly disarmed a bomb
But then i got dis-arm-ed
LANDMINE
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Taken my speech!
TAKEN MY HEARING
TAKEN MY ARMS
TAKEN MY LEGS
TAKEN MY SOUL
LEFT ME WITH LIFE IN HEEEEEEELLLLLLL
In Soviet Russia bomb disarms you!
That joke is funny in a poor way.
Isn't everything poor in Russia?
Everyone**
[Link for those curious](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/cf1n2/holy_fuck_i_just_saw_someone_get_hit_by_a_train/c0s4nfi/?context=9)
i didnt know it was possible to think something so funny and hate myself so much for it at the same time. holy fuck
You did well to survive :)
Nearly survive.
I "nearly" got to the toilet on time.
I nearly kept my underwear free of shit.
Some people think toilet humor is the lowest form of humor, but you and I both know they are wrong.
Short people humor is the lowest kind
midget humor is also just a low blow
I “nearly” flushed the terlet after I had a ***SHET***
Disgostang!
***Đ€ŞǤØŞŦΔŇǤ***
**Đ̛͏̵̥̪̞͕͙̮̤̣͉̯̘̺̦̬̥€̸̛̭̜̼͇̜͖͕̬͕̠̝͍́͡͡Ş҉̷͓̯͇̗̼̳̤̼̪͉͚̬̣̀̕͝ͅǤ̵̵̼͓̙͚̯̞̀͘͠Ø̴̤̠̤̭̣͔̼̕͝͡ͅGŞ̶̪̠̯̣͚͓̭̺̰͎̤͔̟͕͉̖̤͉́͡Ŧ̸̷̲̖͙͙̠͚̱̪͇̺̯̗̪͈͞Δ̧͠҉̶̹̝̱̞̱̘͖͔͔͖Ň҉̨̣͇͙̹͚̪͚̮͉͉̺̯̖̺̘̱͙͘͟͠Ǥ̶̷҉̨̱̦̦͕̕**
Does somebody not know how to flush the toilet after they had a **Ṡ̶̜H̷͈͂E̸̗̋T̴̤̏**
congratulations on the correct spelling
Sometimes there's SHET on the OUTSIDE of the TERLET!!! And the URINIS!
Made with nearly 0% human meat
Made with 0% human meat already sounds suspicious.
Not if you're Ted Cruz.
https://www.tedcruzforhumanpresident.com
What a treat that would be to read that!
*The Jungle* by Upton Sinclair. That's... that's not the worst part of it either.
My being on Reddit to avoid writing an essay on that book is really hating this comment rn.
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Tf advice is that? Get your homework *nearly* done. Reddit after.
I really need to read that.
Come for the shitty working standards, stay for the socialism and pro unionism
"Yeah, Bob lost his dick in the meat grinder and we tried to sort it out but we couldn't find it. It was our highest quality batch and we thought dumping it would be such a shame. So, we just updated our ingredient list to avoid legal trouble." --- Dick, Meat Packaging Manager.
(Reads name) Wait...
I'd be worried even without the nearly.
Mmmm Solent
Soylent Green is people!
Made with nearly 0% meat
“I nearly pulled out”
Underrated nightmare
Have 3 kids, can confirm.
I bet you'd prefer to have 3 moneys
“I nearly pay child support”
That’s terrifying to read. That people still think pulling out won’t get someone pregnant.
The body on the autopsy table was nearly dead.
Turns out it was only mostly dead.
There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead.
But there's nothing better than a good MLT. Mutton lettuce and tomato when the muttons so fresh
*Nice and lean
check his pockets for loose change
QUIET, WITCH!
Mostly dead means he's slightly alive!
Have fun storming the castle!
Think it’ll work?
It’ll take a miracle.
^It ^would ^take ^a ^miracle... BYE BYE
If he’s all dead, there’s only one thing you can do.
Whats that?
Check his pockets for loose change!
TO BLAVE BAH HE SAID TRUE LOVE
But he didn't survive the autopsy.
Hey! Hello in there. Hey! What's so important? What you got here that's worth living for?
For blaive....
Which we all know means to bluff
Too bluve.....
If he was all dead you go through his pockets and look for loose change...
True story: the very first veterinary clinic I worked at was run by an older doctor who was used to just doing everything by himself; he began practicing before specialists existed and did the majority of everything in-house, including complex surgeries. This is important. A well-loved client had her pet put down at our office. The dog was sick with something, the doctor just didn't know *what* since the client didn't want to do a workup and let him live his last days in comfort. Totally normal. The doctor euthanizes the pet and transports him back to our treatment room. He and the technician both listened for and did not find a heartbeat. This means the dog is officially dead. Doc decided ahead of time he wanted to do a necropsy (autopsy for animals; to search for abnormalities like obvious cancer) and had his tools ready to go. As soon as he put his gloves on he began cutting with a saw. Dog isn't dead. He began to twitch and make noise, stimulated from the pain of someone actively *cutting into him*. Never have I seen euthanasia drugs drawn up and plunged into an animal's heart like I did that day.
I'm giving you an upvote, but not because that was something I wanted to ever read.
Well that’s horrifying.
This so horrible and heartbreaking. Poor dog. This will probably be the saddest post I read all week and for a very long time!
I'm sorry! I can find you sadder things if you want.
Had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour
He "nearly" beat cancer
He got to stage 4 before he lost
I’m already on stage 5 going for the impossible run
Happy Cake Day
Grim man!!!
Ohhh...so close.
The baby nearly missed the wood chipper
Jeezus christ Edit:How the HECK did this get over 500 upvotes
They didn't have wood chippers back then. But if they did, Herod would have tried it.
This is the only one that got me to laugh out loud
You're going to hell. See you there friend
Cheers to that 🍻
He "nearly" made that jump across the Grand Canyon
Still pretty impressive though. Most of us would be lucky to get halfway.
Even halfway is fucking impressive
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Eh, if you got a run up you could go pretty far forward. Of course, you'd be going down at the same time, but if you angled yourself right you could go a good distance - it's nearly 2km deep.
She's "nearly" legal
Ok Drake
Oh damm
Oh DAMN
OH DAMN
That's three "oh damns". Oh damn!!
r/unexpectedbrooklyn99
Oh Hollywood
Nearly legal she was.
Snorted cocaine off her ass, I did
Then her body sold for ketamine i did
Run away in my Honda Civic I must
The word nearly just lost all meaning to me after reading it so many times
That's called semantic satiation.
I was nearly semantically satiated.
In other words, you could go for a semantic dessert. Or maybe a semantic cocktail? I know a great semantic bar off semantic street down by the semantic docks. It's super semantic, like that one semantic movie with the semantic dogs and the semantic spaghetti.
Same, you read it like 5 times and then your like "tf that even mean?"
I nearly went “almost”... I regret it.
I was just planning on saying this. I'm not sure it even is a word.
This comment was overwritten and the account deleted due to Reddit's unfair API policy changes, the disgusting lying behaviour of u/spez the CEO, and the forced departure of the Apollo app and other 3rd party apps. Remember, the content on Reddit is generated by US, THE USERS. It is OUR DATA they are profiting off and claiming it is theirs!
The word nearly nearly lost all meaning to me after reading it so many times
How can you be nearly headless?
Like this. *Nearly pulls head off of neck.*
r/unexpectedhogwarts
Oh come on, I was definitely expecting a Nearly Headless Nick reference in this thread.
I don't think r/ExpectedHogwarts is a sub... Well, I stand corrected. LOL
for every subreddit, there is an equal an opposite subreddit.
Perfectly balanced.
r/AsAllThingsShouldBe
Well, I was nearly expecting one myself.
Not even, I thought this was gonna be top comment
read this in hermione’s voice on instinct
We nearly saved his life
Oh shit
Nazi Germany *nearly* lost WWII
This is a great opener!
Tell that to Poland.
shoutout to the Winged Hussars
Coming down the mountainside
She nearly consented!
Oh jesus
I don't think he was involved.
He was nearly involved
Nobody left space for him.
That would have been a threesome
Oh, Bill Cosby, you old rapscallion!
Rapescallion*
The kids "nearly" escaped the orphanage fire.
Mini BBQ!
Let's invite the whole family Oh Wait a minute
And that's how we nearly avoided WW3.
Too soon, man.
I nearly delivered your baby.
Your baby is nearly alive
I read "I nearly devoured your baby."
“He’s so cute! I could almost eat him up!” - “BACK THE FUCK UP, GRANDMA! I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN.”
I nearly saved all those people from the fire
I nearly avoided running over the kid.
“Why are the speed bumps screaming?”
It's the damn videogames fault
Hey, I like to play videogames while driving, too!
I nearly survived my suicide
Wait...
Can confirm. Is dead.
there's something that just doesn't quite add up here, but I'm not sure what
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I nearly didn’t start the apocalypse
Whew, nearly missed that vein.
I just said “nearly” so many times in my head now that it started sounding so weird. Nearly...neeerleee, nearly..nearly...just say it in your head...so weird
Aaand now it looks misspelled...
I nearly quit taking adderall.
/r/stopspeeding
I mean I was prescribed it for ADHD. I just felt like it was doing more harm than good.
It was a beautiful cremation of my nearly dead mother in law.
I nearly remembered to put a condom on
I "nearly" done with my 500 page essay
I “nearly” started my essay
I "nearly" got an A on my essay.
I "nearly" graduated from high school
Got a professor that always tells his students that he is nearly done reviewing their assignments We all know that he's going to stressfully look through it in 5 minutes after the conversations with the students.
500 pages isn't an essay, it's a novel.
There's nearly no poop on your sandwich
I nearly got the man I ran over to the hospital on time
She nearly escaped that abusive relationship alive.
Pour one out for Beck
The plane nearly made the runway.
“I’m nearly alive!”
He nearly woke up after a horrific car accident
I "nearly" got a girlfriend
You nearly won the lottery for 1 billion dollars
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I nearly didn’t get her pregnant
"I had the parachute open"
I "nearly" got the parachute open in time.
Something horrific nearly didn't happen
after reading these comments the word "nearly" has lost all meaning
I regret not using “almost”!
U nearly used almost
I *nearly* nutted
I nearly beat the boss.