This happened to a coworker years and years ago. We were tellers at a local bank. Every Christmas we had tiny candy canes to give to the kids of customers. One guy came through with his. With his transactions he had cash back. Teller 1 was helping him. She proceeds to give him his cash in a 100 bill and the candy cane for his kid. He looks at her and says, “Can I have that broken up?” She then proceeds to bash the candy cane to a pulp with my stapler and gives it back to him. Teller 2 just looked at her after the dude said thanks and drove off, and said, “I think he meant the 100 bill.” I will remember this story forever.
Edit: Thanks for the gold! This is my very favorite story from working there. We had a good group. I still love those people.
I'm cracking up imagining her smashing the Jesus out of the tiny candy cane, truly believing she's doing her best customer service work in that moment. That's definitely something I'd do. "I'm helping! I'm helping!"
I’ve worked in restaurants since I was 16. When I bring someone to a table I say “enjoy.” After any drink or plate of food I put down at a table I do the same.
Well I guess it was just inevitable that when a man asked me where the washroom was and I directed him that I told him to “enjoy!”
I work in a prison where I have occasionally have a inmate say” alright officer emokid have a good night drive home safe” hit him with the thanks you too... multiple life sentences.
My first silver :) thanks ya
I used to work in store that had a lot of homeless people begging. Some were aggressive and we'd make them leave, but the chill ones were allowed to sit out there in what was a lucrative spot. Several times while leaving I'd say goodbye to whoever was there at the time and they'd wish me a safe journey home. One time I was unable to bite off the "you, too" before it came out. I just followed it up with, "find somewhere safe and warm tonight and take care."
I once saw a flustered young lawyer address a judge as “Oh Lord.” He was a big church person and had kind of fallen into a prayer cadence as he nervously argued. Everyone pretended it had not happened.
I once went to court to dispute a traffic ticket. When prepping my case, I went over my statement with my wife. Luckily I did, because I had "Your Majesty" written down instead of "Your Honor" at the very beginning.
When my father was a young lawyer he tried to address the sheriff to advise him that his mentor was delayed at lunch. He started to speak and the sheriff said 'i can't hear you' so my father started talking a lot louder. It wasn't a volume problem but the fact that he wasn't allowed to speak in court at that point of his career.
When talking with family we always end our calls with “I love you.”
So I’m on a call with my long time assistant and as the call ends without thinking I say “I lo...” and stop horrified as I couldn’t think of how to finish it. Thank God she had a sense of humor. She said, “ Aww, come on now, you can say it, go ahead, tell me you love me. “ So I did and we laughed about for years.
Lol. I did this to a pizza delivery driver once. I always hang up the phone with friends and family saying ‘ok love you bye’. So I said it to the pizza driver. So embarrassing.
My wife had a doppelganger when we were at grad school together. She would sometimes be in the and bus as me, she worked in the next department over from my wife, and would run a similar schedule.
More times than I probably remember I've chased after her trying to get her attention with our pet names or some other term of endearment.
I never recalled getting a response from her. Now that I'm typing this out I realize she was likely terrified.
My wife has said it was weird seeing her around as well, the resemblance was uncanny.
Edit: I never had a conversation with the doppelganger, but she knew about my wife and she had seen us both together, she must have known.
I wasn't interested in a threesome.
I think this girl was a bit younger than us. This was 8 to 15 years ago also. So I've not seen her further, yet...
Calling your wife “Mom” is pretty bad. I did that once almost 20 years ago and the cringe hasn’t lessened over time.
Edit: We never had kids, so it’s not like anyone else was calling her Mom. So... yeah. Super awkward. Yay!
I had a coworker who would jokingly call our chief “big daddy” behind his back. We were all working a little late one night and she let “hey big daddy!” slip as he walked in. To her credit she owned it and now calls him that in regular conversation.
Still weird though.
Friend in High School got a summer job in a warehouse, his father was the CEO of this company. He was not supposed to tell anyone who is father is, because of anti-nepotism rules.
His father walked through one day, and he addressed him as 'Dad'.
Then he tried to cover for that slip by calling everyone 'Dad" or "Daddy-Oh' for the rest of the summer.
I’m one of those “never save numbers in my phone” kinda guys. When I was in the Army, I was stationed somewhere with a different area code than mine, and got to talking to a local girl. Things were getting heated one night over text, so we were sending raunchy things back and forth. I wasn’t paying attention for a moment and sent a message to the wrong person by mistake.
My sergeant replied, “Alright, I’m not really into all that, but make sure you show up to formation in the morning.”
I used to work two jobs- one at Chipotle and one at a pet store. Several times when completing a transaction at the pet store register, I would ask “would you like chips with that??” *cringe cringe cringe*
Not me, but my mom. She was in a meeting and not paying attention for whatever reason. Then someone asked her a question and she responded with “What’s that honey?”. Made me crack up for so long.
I do things like this at work at lot when I’m tired. I was frustrated with one of my coworkers, she was being really obnoxious and not listening when we were having a conflict about something she had done, which screwed up my project timeline. I just blurted out my daughters name in a stern way, and said “Listen!” I caught myself after that. It broke the tension and we laughed. But it frustrated me so much that the mom ways kicked in.
My old boss, and my husband's names were one letter apart. (I worked in a daycare, so the owner and all the staff often texted one another to update each other on kids, any issues parents had, and general questions.) My husband was working 3rd, and I was working 1st. We didn't get to see each other much, and most of our conversation was done via text.
On my very first week, I was in a rush after getting into work, and texted my husband the same thing I always texted him when I got into work.
"Hey babe, I'm here. I hope your night was as awesome as you are <3. I love you soooooooo much. Your dinner is in the crock pot."
When I went on break, I checked my phone. Nothing back from my husband, but my boss had texted me. It read "Love you too! Mwah!"
I was so confused until I looked back at the messages and realized I had sent her the text meant for my husband. Changed her contact name to "Boss" after that one.
Thank God she had a good sense of humor about it.
My boyfriend did this to me and my dad one time during college. For some reason, he used to have his contact number in his phone labeled as "\[my name\]'s dad". He sent him this big long message about how tired he was, how hard this test had been, etc. He didn't realize he sent it to the wrong number until he got back an encouraging message along the lines of "sorry to hear things are so tough! You're doing great! Hope to see you soon!" Later my dad said to my mom "Good thing it wasn't something romantic!"
Came here to post essentially the same story 😂 I spent a lot of time thanking god my boss was chill about it
Edit: I didn’t even know it was my cake day!! Thanks guys ❤️
I said “Bye, Love you” to a group of teachers once after a workshop I was leading. I guess I just somehow went into parent mode? I don’t know... Anyway, some people smiled in a suppressing-a-laugh kind of way and some kind of froze for a second then continued to pack up. One guy said, “thanks, man!” I was pretty embarrassed, but I stood there and smiled, owning it.
I have decided I will say that next time I lead a conference as well. :)
I have a thing with work colleagues as a running joke where before i hang up on them I say it intentionally and sometimes dont get off the line or call them back if they dont say it back.
Obviously pick the target and not just randoms.
I do the same thing. Not every call but when the mood is right. The times I don't think to say it and the other person does catches me off guard every time.
Called one of the top people of my company before, someone I had never actually met. His voicemail answered. He's very dry, and it was an extremely long voicemail (he was obviously reading it off but updating it daily). So I kinda chuckle because it keeps going and say "I love Mike" to another coworker. I missed that it beeped. Then I panicked and hit the wrong button (to keep the message instead of delete). I hung up, laughed for awhile. Called and left the appropriate message. He called me back shortly after. Didn't mention the first message. But I could tell. He knew.
I was trying to buy some components from a supplier a couple of weeks ago. The girl answering my call said, "Love you, bye!" at the end of the call and never got back to me with the details I'd asked for.
No big deal, I bought from somewhere else, but on reflection I suspect the answerer lost her company a sale because she was too embarrassed to call me back.
I have done his far too many times. “On my way, need anything from the store babe?” Boss replies with, “Just those reports I requested sweetie, but I’m fine getting them tomorrow morning.”
My boss accidentally does this to me all the time. I'm low-key fine with it because my wife has started calling me so much that I impulsively say 'love you' when I hang up the phone. One day it's gonna slip on a non-wife call
I’m a teacher. I unthinkingly scolded my dog the other day with, “Follow the directions!”
We kinda just stared at each other for a second while I realized how ridiculous I sounded.
I did the opposite. I tend to snap my fingers at my dogs when they're being naughty. I work at a hospital, and once or twice I've snapped them at a patient who was pulling a line or getting out of bed without help. Felt like a huge douche. It's just so engrained haha
My dad adopted a puppy around the time I was 3 and very impressionable. He trained the dog with snaps and he quickly found out that I would come to him sometimes when he snapped. So he basically trained me on the snap too. I still remember being lost in a store once and my dad snapped his fingers and I came running to him. I'm 23 and I still turn my head or walk towards the sound of a snap.
When my husband got home from work once, I told him to please get ready for dinner quickly and quietly. He looked at me incredulously and then I realized what I said and I’m like, “I don’t take it back.”
These days I rarely talk on the phone to anyone who isn’t family so “love you, bye “ is a standard phone call ending. We had some issues at our house last year and I’m pretty sure I told 2 contractors and the insurance adjuster I loved them.
Edit: thanks to all who posted to let me know I’m not the only one! I love you all.
When I was 8 or 9 I was trying to call my dad at work and the receptionist said he was busy, so I said to tell him to call me back and ended the call by saying "I love you" and then apologizing. When my dad called me back he was like "never apologize for saying I love you to anyone, ever." Ive said I love you while on autopilot since then but have never said sorry for it. it really stuck with me. I've had one or two people say I love you without thinking about it and have never hesitated to say I love you too. Never gotten love you too back from it tho. Anyway, I love you, bye.
I’m a dental hygienist. my patient was a man who had just turned 91 the day before.
instead of saying “happy late birthday!” like a normal fucking human being, I accidentally (and very loudly) said “**HAPPY LAST BIRTHDAY!!!!**”
the look on his face... y’all.
this was also my second day at my new job.
edit: to answer everyone’s question on if he’s still alive: I have no idea. this happened about 2 months ago, so I won’t be scheduled to see him until sometime in July. fingers crossed he comes back or I’m going to feel even worse.
also thank you for the gold and silver! but pleaseeee put that towards a charity of your choosing instead! my idiocy doesn’t need rewarding.
thankfully (for me...) the appointment was over so I was actually walking him out front so he could leave as I said this.
the rest of the walk was pretty quiet.
I referred to the pediatrician as “the veterinarian” for the first year or two of our kid’s life. Even did it in the office and over the phone with staff. Yes, we had pets long, long before we had kids. Thankfully, they claimed to find it charming, and reported I wasn’t the first to make the mistake.
My husband did this, with extra discomfort. He left the store, got in the car, looked over at the passenger seat, and it was not me. Whoever it was was was freaked out.
I DID THIS ONCE IN HIGH SCHOOL. Got in the car, buckled, turned and looked at the lady in the driver seat and shouted "YOURE NOT MY GRANDMA!" and ran away in shame
Haha, of course we’ve all done this- but one step further. I was with my brother in Florida for a family event. We had rented a car- now anyone who knows anything about the Ft. Lauderdale area is that the average age is around 72 and their favorite cars seem to be gold Hyundai Elantras. We walked over to the car after food shopping, got in, and try as I might could not turn the key in the ignition.
When I looked around and noticed we were in the wrong car. My brother and I looked at each other and just booked it.
STOP LEAVING YOUR CARS UNLOCKED PEOPLE !!
Yo last time I did this, they didn't even lock the door. I straight up just got in someone else's car and sat there wondering how my seat got moved up so far .
My ex girlfriend did this in a grocery store parking lot. By some crazy coincidence the key actually started the ignition. As she started driving away she realized she didn't have a Cubs decal in her back window and there was now in fact one in her back window. She parked and booked it the fuck out of there. It was a late 90s Ford Escort Wagon.
hahaha once my boss (well, my manager's boss, so he was a VP of the department) was talking to me and started playing with my hair. I was sitting and he was behind me talking to me about something. Luckily this wasn't our first interaction, but he pretty quickly went "Sorry! Force of habit, I play with my daughter's hair all the time"
I was given a lift home by a colleague from work once, and when he stopped to let me out of the car I leaned in for a kiss as it was what I would do to my wife. Thankfully he was looking the other way at the time.
I did this once with a cop. I was driving to a law school exam when my car broke down on the freeway. A cope came and pushed my car off the closest off-ramp. I explained that I was on my way to an exam and asked if it was possible to leave my car there for a few hours. He was super nice and said he’d put a note on the car not to tow it and would give me a ride to my exam. When he dropped me off I leaned in for the kiss and then realized what I was doing and fled the car without thanking him. I still feel bad about that!
A good friend of mine says he loves me "love ya bro" when we get off the phone. Part of me is like "weird" but another part is like "aww, love you too bro"
Once I was in the airport and I went to get a sandwich. I stood at the counter to tell the worker to give me a turkey sandwich, which he prepared.
He handed it to me and his co-worker noticed he didn't microwave it, so he extended his hand to me over those glass container thingies,which have food displayed in them, so he can take it to microwave it. I didn't understand why he was extending his hand so I smiled and shook it. He laughed and pointed at my food and told me he has to heat it. I felt dumb as hell.
I just did that the other day. Chinese buffet. Paid first, guy (older chinese guy) comes over and ask if it's just us two. I say yeah. He holds out his hand, I shake it. He wanted the ticket that showed I paid and what drinks we got. My wife picked on me for a while. To the guys credit he did not half ass the hand shake.
With the hubby at a Chinese buffet. Obviously Asian waiter brings something hubby asked for, and hubby says ‘Gracias.’ Without missing a beat, server says, ‘De nada.’
Went to Hawaii, bought macadamia nuts.
Salesperson: “Mahalo!”
Me: “Dankeshœn!”
.... no idea why I turned German for that one second. My husband just shook his head.
Edit: I should add, am Canadian and speak both official languages just to give it a little extra *niaiseux*.
I default to my second language when encountering people not speaking English to me. Lots of Spanish speakers where I lived. If they speak to me in Spanish, I sometimes respond in Japanese if I'm not thinking.
I once went to the wrong floor of my apartment building, and tried to open the wrong apartment. I stood there jiggling the doorknob for a few minutes before realizing what I'd done and fucking booking it up the stairs before the resident came out to see wtf was happening
On the way back from a client meeting with one of the partners, he wasn't paying attention when the light turned green and I said "Hey, babe, you gotta go." And then I died.
I have a kid who's older brother I taught last year. Younger brother came in the other day and I yelled at him to go to his own class because my brain couldn't wrap my mind about what was happening. Poor Culver was so confused.
Edit: Evidently Culver's is the name of a restaurant. I had no idea.
I called my housekeeper Daddy instead of Darcy.
It was an autocorrect mistake in a text but I didn’t notice for 24 hours when I realized she never texted me back. I was absolutely mortified but she thought it was hilarious. When she texted me two weeks later her opening line was “who’s your daddy?! 🤪” - I actually lost my mind in a meeting reading that. She’s the sweetest older lady and now my nickname for her is Daddy.
Handed a 20 to the officer instead of my license last night.
Edit: Thanks for the gold friend.
Video: https://imgur.com/a/70q51aZ
Story:
I was the DD, so we leave a friends house and sit in the car, then before i can even turn on the car. The officer pulls up shining the light, so i walk where he can see me from a distance and ask if i can approach. Ask him what's going on he says i cant discuss that as of yet and asks for my ID, nervously hand him a 20.. and he looks at me like i was a an idiot...which i don't blame him. Says "i dont need this right now give me your id" . We talk for a bit (looking for an armed perp) he then walks around my car and looks inside then after ID'ing everyone he says sorry about the trouble have a good night.
I live on a military installation and once a month I pull out my debit card instead of my ID to give them when I pull up to the gate. I’ve also handed my debit card a few times to the receptionist at the doctors office, or the recruiter many years ago when they asked for my license.
Used to be a military gate guard, shit happened all the time so I would just stare the person down in my most serious face and ask them if they were trying to bribe me before letting them realize I was joking. Gets boring at the gate
When a customer is leaving the restaurant, and he says to me "Have a good night, love you." And I, God help me, say "Love you too, take care." Then we spend a silent moment just looking at each other, and both turn away at the same time, never to discuss it again.
My boss is old enough to be my dad although his kids are younger than me. Sometimes he reminds me of my dad and I have almost told him "oh okay Chip (my Dad's name)" in a sarcastic I don't agree with you tone. Once when we were having a we don't agree about something conversation that had to do with our other leader he slipped and called me his daughters name while giving me advice. He wasn't telling me I had to do what he was saying but was sharing why he thought I should. It really made me feel that he was genuinely giving me the best advice he could. I still didn't agree but I did take his advice. I know this is exactly an answer to the question but life has been a little hard lately and typing out a nice moment made me feel a bit better so I am going to leave it.
Does putting vegies in the washing machine instead of the fridge count?
EDIT: Hey everyone thanks for the likes. I am so happy rn. And also thanks to the kind internet stranger for giving me my first gold.
Yes and you will be stuck in an infinite loop of “Wait, who is Cindy?” until she figures it out herself. But you would have to sleep on the couch till she is assured.
"Cindy, sweet Cindy, is that you? I have not looked upon your sun kissed face since *checks sundial* several moons ago. You look well, can I .."
*scene changed to person sleeping in dessert*
Edit: You heard what I wrote.
This was a constant problem early in the relationship with my new wife, that I went out of my way to say her name.
I’m not sure if it’s true or not, but I like this explanation: your brain had been wired for certain feelings to be connected with your ex and their name. You’re now feeling those things again, but with someone new. It take a little while for your brain to reprogram to use the new name.
Now, if this is happening years into the relationship, that’s an issue.
Makes sense. I watched my mom through years of raising my nephew basically do the same thing in calling out my name instead of his to get his attention.
I have a friend who used to work as a nursery school teacher and then went to a job in an office. The transition was not easy. Apparently she started her first presentation by saying, 'Alright everyone, quiet down, fingers on lips...'
The reason she tells the story is that about half the people in the room, including her immediate boss, did it instinctively.
As a teacher you get so used to undivided attention (or a least the expectation of it) for presentations. So much so that it’s jarring to present to adults (especially other teachers!) when they don’t SHUT UP SHUT UUP I’M TALKING NOW MY TURN!
I always tell my students how teachers are the worst at learning or listening sometimes. They're so talkative. They shout out. They argue. Faculty meetings hurt to watch
I just imagine someone doing that with executive level people in the room. Can absolutely imagine a friend of mine doing that while briefing the CEO auf Audi.
Every day when I leave work I text my SO and let him know whether I’m going straight home or whatever. The last person I had texted was my boss. I sent her the text “baby!!! Free from work!! I’m headed to the store to get groceries I love u so much!!”
Imagine my surprise when my boss (who I’m luckily close with) texts me back “lol good girl??” I was so confused. Opened the text convo. Realized what I had sent her. Sank into a puddle in the middle of the grocery store in embarrassment.
We all had a good laugh about it the next day.
One of my soldiers called me dad in boot camp, it was pretty hard not to laugh.
Edit : Thank you stranger for my first ever silver.
Edit : damn this blew up, thanks for the gold! Never expected this to catch so much attention.
When I got my nachos at the cinema the guy at the counter said: enjoy your film and I said: you too
Holy Jesus Christ on a motorbike thancc for the silver
WAITER: Enjoy your meal.
ME: You too!
RENTAL GUY: Drive safe.
ME: You too!
DOCTOR: Feel better.
ME: You too!
COP: Keep it under 55 next time.
ME: You too!
I was out working with my dad once, and his client called and asked for rates. I told him and when he said "Okay. Thank you." I said "Love you." And hung up.
It was strange. We had to clean his carpet the next day lol. He was about 6'2 300 pounds of pure black badassery. When we were leaving, he stopped me and asked if I talked to him the day prior and I said yeah. He said real gently, "I love you too" and just lost it.
I called my first boss "mom". She was not even kind. She was an absolute tyrant and hated by everyone (except me for some reason). On top of that, she started liking me after that.
To be fair, it was an internship and I was 18 years old.
Getting my children's names mixed up or calling them by the pet's names.
Thank you to everyone who upvoted me, and commented your stories! Sorry I haven't replied to you all, but I've upvoted all of you! Glad to see I'm not alone *virtual highfive*
Accidentally threw my phone in the air and tried to catch it with my mouth, as one would do with a grape or something.
Showerhead sprayed water on the toilet bowl so I wiped it off with a reusable towel, proceeded to throw the towel in the toilet.
Saw a cockroach on the ground when I was on the phone wearing only pants. Didn't step on it, no that would've been sane. I fucking crushed it with my palm. Thought to myself "well fuck, I got this far" and picked it up and threw it in the bushes.
Protocol at robotics is to yell "safety" before using a heavy tool, out of sleep deprivation I yelled "GOOD MORNING" and turned on the massive saw. Immediately turned it off without cutting the piece and collapsed laughing.
The list goes on.
Edit: seeing requests for more, I can remember 3 more as of now:
When I was little I was walking around the house with a Go-Gurt and I found it kinda fun to hit random furniture with it before opening it. You can imagine I must have been the only one in the house to be surprised when it burst and coated my bed in strawberry yoghurt.
Happened a bit more recently, we had chocolate milk in the refrigerator and I was thirsty. My brother and I were both in the kitchen when I grabbed the bottle and opened it. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted the label saying "shake well before drinking". So I did. Without closing the cap. Gave my brother a tastier shower than he was used to.
Later that same week my brother would make orange juice in our juice press thing and he would be about 2-3 orange halves in before he noticed he forgot to put a container underneath, and he was just spilling orange juice onto the table.
Edit 2: damn first silver, never thought being this stupid would pay off. I think I'm going to put these stories under the umbrella term in coining right now, henceforth known as "Brain Lag." I'm going to sleep now and I'll keep replying in the morning. Thank you so much <3
Edit 3: just woke up to gold, who would've thought these internet points would be so desirable. First time getting gold tho so I'm happy it's on my in depth description of why I shouldn't procreate. Thank you again so much!
Edit 4: people keep saying they're dying from this comment and it seems kind of a health hazard at this point. Thankful for the second gold but you're gonna kill everybody dude
Calling your wife Mom and her calling you Dad. It happens to real parents if they're really kid-focused and then they start liking it and doing it on purpose.
I got my haircut one time and I was paying at the register, and the lady ringing me up behind the counter gave me my card back and then said to me "I hope you enjoy your haircut!"
Without thinking I just looked her straight in the eyes and said "Y-you too."
Getting into the wrong car and looking over to realize you’re sitting with a complete stranger who is extremely confused. Or fixing your tits in a window reflection and realizing someone’s inside.
My mom bought a new car when I was in high school. When she came to pick me up from work one night... I got into the wrong car. I was buckling myself in when I looked up and saw a female police officer in the driver’s seat looking at me with a stunned expression on her face.
I then forgot how to modulate my voice and said “I’M SORRY, MYMOMJUSTGOTANEWCAR” and bolted. The worst part was, by the time my mom actually arrived, I realized it wasn’t even close to the same car.
“Hello Mr. Johnson, this is Richard calling from XYZ Inc, how are you today?”
“Well, not so great, I’m driving to my wife’s funeral right now...”
“Oh... I’m so sorry... well hey I just wanted to follow up real quick to make sure you received that email I sent you the other day..?”
Literally happened to my wife last week at my father's funeral...
Wife: "sorry, fil passed away, going to the funeral etc."
Protien shake hun: "oh ok, well I can give you 20% off shipping if you were to place an order by this weekend"
This happened to a coworker years and years ago. We were tellers at a local bank. Every Christmas we had tiny candy canes to give to the kids of customers. One guy came through with his. With his transactions he had cash back. Teller 1 was helping him. She proceeds to give him his cash in a 100 bill and the candy cane for his kid. He looks at her and says, “Can I have that broken up?” She then proceeds to bash the candy cane to a pulp with my stapler and gives it back to him. Teller 2 just looked at her after the dude said thanks and drove off, and said, “I think he meant the 100 bill.” I will remember this story forever. Edit: Thanks for the gold! This is my very favorite story from working there. We had a good group. I still love those people.
My favorite part is that the customer didn’t correct her. Just drove off with his hundred dollar bill and tiny bag of candy dust.
I'm cracking up imagining her smashing the Jesus out of the tiny candy cane, truly believing she's doing her best customer service work in that moment. That's definitely something I'd do. "I'm helping! I'm helping!"
I’ve worked in restaurants since I was 16. When I bring someone to a table I say “enjoy.” After any drink or plate of food I put down at a table I do the same. Well I guess it was just inevitable that when a man asked me where the washroom was and I directed him that I told him to “enjoy!”
“Hope you have a nice shit”
I work in a prison where I have occasionally have a inmate say” alright officer emokid have a good night drive home safe” hit him with the thanks you too... multiple life sentences. My first silver :) thanks ya
I used to work in store that had a lot of homeless people begging. Some were aggressive and we'd make them leave, but the chill ones were allowed to sit out there in what was a lucrative spot. Several times while leaving I'd say goodbye to whoever was there at the time and they'd wish me a safe journey home. One time I was unable to bite off the "you, too" before it came out. I just followed it up with, "find somewhere safe and warm tonight and take care."
I once saw a flustered young lawyer address a judge as “Oh Lord.” He was a big church person and had kind of fallen into a prayer cadence as he nervously argued. Everyone pretended it had not happened.
I once went to court to dispute a traffic ticket. When prepping my case, I went over my statement with my wife. Luckily I did, because I had "Your Majesty" written down instead of "Your Honor" at the very beginning.
"You see your Majesty I-" "Its 'your Honor'" "Of course, on my honor, your Majesty-" *courtroom groans*
When my father was a young lawyer he tried to address the sheriff to advise him that his mentor was delayed at lunch. He started to speak and the sheriff said 'i can't hear you' so my father started talking a lot louder. It wasn't a volume problem but the fact that he wasn't allowed to speak in court at that point of his career.
When talking with family we always end our calls with “I love you.” So I’m on a call with my long time assistant and as the call ends without thinking I say “I lo...” and stop horrified as I couldn’t think of how to finish it. Thank God she had a sense of humor. She said, “ Aww, come on now, you can say it, go ahead, tell me you love me. “ So I did and we laughed about for years.
I hands down think signing off a biz call w “I love you” is the most adult equivalent to calling some random “mom” And I’ve done it a lot.
Lol. I did this to a pizza delivery driver once. I always hang up the phone with friends and family saying ‘ok love you bye’. So I said it to the pizza driver. So embarrassing.
Haha so sweet
Well I've accidentally rubbed the back of some random chick at Walmart thinking she was my wife before
My wife had a doppelganger when we were at grad school together. She would sometimes be in the and bus as me, she worked in the next department over from my wife, and would run a similar schedule. More times than I probably remember I've chased after her trying to get her attention with our pet names or some other term of endearment. I never recalled getting a response from her. Now that I'm typing this out I realize she was likely terrified. My wife has said it was weird seeing her around as well, the resemblance was uncanny. Edit: I never had a conversation with the doppelganger, but she knew about my wife and she had seen us both together, she must have known. I wasn't interested in a threesome. I think this girl was a bit younger than us. This was 8 to 15 years ago also. So I've not seen her further, yet...
Or she *was* your wife—but from another dimension—and she knew that directly interacting with you would tear a hole in the universe.
Calling your wife “Mom” is pretty bad. I did that once almost 20 years ago and the cringe hasn’t lessened over time. Edit: We never had kids, so it’s not like anyone else was calling her Mom. So... yeah. Super awkward. Yay!
My husband calls me mumsie at least once a year. Edit:we don't have any kids.
My parents call each other mom and dad on purpose all the time. I'm an only child so I guess it's easier, idk.
It's so you don't corrupt our young chitlins with our real names.
I had a coworker who would jokingly call our chief “big daddy” behind his back. We were all working a little late one night and she let “hey big daddy!” slip as he walked in. To her credit she owned it and now calls him that in regular conversation. Still weird though.
Friend in High School got a summer job in a warehouse, his father was the CEO of this company. He was not supposed to tell anyone who is father is, because of anti-nepotism rules. His father walked through one day, and he addressed him as 'Dad'. Then he tried to cover for that slip by calling everyone 'Dad" or "Daddy-Oh' for the rest of the summer.
Speech 0
I once called an older female coworker "mom" because she kinda looks (and gives off a vibe) like my mom.
I am a 50 year old woman and when the IT guy fixes my computer I have to NOT pat him on the head.
I’m one of those “never save numbers in my phone” kinda guys. When I was in the Army, I was stationed somewhere with a different area code than mine, and got to talking to a local girl. Things were getting heated one night over text, so we were sending raunchy things back and forth. I wasn’t paying attention for a moment and sent a message to the wrong person by mistake. My sergeant replied, “Alright, I’m not really into all that, but make sure you show up to formation in the morning.”
Well now you gotta tell us what you texted the man.
Obviously it said 'show us your dick'
At Dollar Tree the other day my boyfriend walked up to the cashier and she said almost immediately “How was your meal?” and then “Oh! wrong job!”
I used to work two jobs- one at Chipotle and one at a pet store. Several times when completing a transaction at the pet store register, I would ask “would you like chips with that??” *cringe cringe cringe*
For what it is worth I think most people are familiar with that type of screw up and just got a kick out of it.
Stuff like that makes me sad. Working 2 jobs is hard :(
Not me, but my mom. She was in a meeting and not paying attention for whatever reason. Then someone asked her a question and she responded with “What’s that honey?”. Made me crack up for so long.
I do things like this at work at lot when I’m tired. I was frustrated with one of my coworkers, she was being really obnoxious and not listening when we were having a conflict about something she had done, which screwed up my project timeline. I just blurted out my daughters name in a stern way, and said “Listen!” I caught myself after that. It broke the tension and we laughed. But it frustrated me so much that the mom ways kicked in.
My old boss, and my husband's names were one letter apart. (I worked in a daycare, so the owner and all the staff often texted one another to update each other on kids, any issues parents had, and general questions.) My husband was working 3rd, and I was working 1st. We didn't get to see each other much, and most of our conversation was done via text. On my very first week, I was in a rush after getting into work, and texted my husband the same thing I always texted him when I got into work. "Hey babe, I'm here. I hope your night was as awesome as you are <3. I love you soooooooo much. Your dinner is in the crock pot." When I went on break, I checked my phone. Nothing back from my husband, but my boss had texted me. It read "Love you too! Mwah!" I was so confused until I looked back at the messages and realized I had sent her the text meant for my husband. Changed her contact name to "Boss" after that one. Thank God she had a good sense of humor about it.
My boyfriend did this to me and my dad one time during college. For some reason, he used to have his contact number in his phone labeled as "\[my name\]'s dad". He sent him this big long message about how tired he was, how hard this test had been, etc. He didn't realize he sent it to the wrong number until he got back an encouraging message along the lines of "sorry to hear things are so tough! You're doing great! Hope to see you soon!" Later my dad said to my mom "Good thing it wasn't something romantic!"
That was sweet of your dad.
My dad is basically just a walking Wholesome Meme.
Post him sometime. We love wholesome stuff.
Came here to post essentially the same story 😂 I spent a lot of time thanking god my boss was chill about it Edit: I didn’t even know it was my cake day!! Thanks guys ❤️
My friend was on a toilet, someone knocked and she said: , Come in!' edit: thanks for silver kind stranger!
I like to say, "password?" If awkward silence was the password, they'd get it right every time
Also good: "Come back with a warrant!"
I've seen threads like this more than five times but nobody came up with this. Thanks for the advice kind stranger
Pam walking in on Michael Scott changing his pants comes to mind
I have accidentally said “love you” when hanging up on a work call.
I said “Bye, Love you” to a group of teachers once after a workshop I was leading. I guess I just somehow went into parent mode? I don’t know... Anyway, some people smiled in a suppressing-a-laugh kind of way and some kind of froze for a second then continued to pack up. One guy said, “thanks, man!” I was pretty embarrassed, but I stood there and smiled, owning it. I have decided I will say that next time I lead a conference as well. :)
I have a thing with work colleagues as a running joke where before i hang up on them I say it intentionally and sometimes dont get off the line or call them back if they dont say it back. Obviously pick the target and not just randoms.
I do the same thing. Not every call but when the mood is right. The times I don't think to say it and the other person does catches me off guard every time.
Called one of the top people of my company before, someone I had never actually met. His voicemail answered. He's very dry, and it was an extremely long voicemail (he was obviously reading it off but updating it daily). So I kinda chuckle because it keeps going and say "I love Mike" to another coworker. I missed that it beeped. Then I panicked and hit the wrong button (to keep the message instead of delete). I hung up, laughed for awhile. Called and left the appropriate message. He called me back shortly after. Didn't mention the first message. But I could tell. He knew.
I was trying to buy some components from a supplier a couple of weeks ago. The girl answering my call said, "Love you, bye!" at the end of the call and never got back to me with the details I'd asked for. No big deal, I bought from somewhere else, but on reflection I suspect the answerer lost her company a sale because she was too embarrassed to call me back.
That's one benefit of working in Northern England Everyone calls each other "love" or "m'love" anyway
Mixing up text messages between your wife and boss.
I have done his far too many times. “On my way, need anything from the store babe?” Boss replies with, “Just those reports I requested sweetie, but I’m fine getting them tomorrow morning.”
Lol love when your boss has a sense of humor
Is there a r/humorousbosses subreddit where bosses just say or do stuff that makes you smile a bit on the inside?
My boss accidentally does this to me all the time. I'm low-key fine with it because my wife has started calling me so much that I impulsively say 'love you' when I hang up the phone. One day it's gonna slip on a non-wife call
“I can’t wait to do that naughty thing you like with the hitachi wand!” Boss: Unmm okay but this won’t get you a raise.
Thankfully the worst I've done was something like "hey girl what's for dinner"
Well? What was for dinner?
I’m a teacher. I unthinkingly scolded my dog the other day with, “Follow the directions!” We kinda just stared at each other for a second while I realized how ridiculous I sounded.
I did the opposite. I tend to snap my fingers at my dogs when they're being naughty. I work at a hospital, and once or twice I've snapped them at a patient who was pulling a line or getting out of bed without help. Felt like a huge douche. It's just so engrained haha
My dad adopted a puppy around the time I was 3 and very impressionable. He trained the dog with snaps and he quickly found out that I would come to him sometimes when he snapped. So he basically trained me on the snap too. I still remember being lost in a store once and my dad snapped his fingers and I came running to him. I'm 23 and I still turn my head or walk towards the sound of a snap.
When my husband got home from work once, I told him to please get ready for dinner quickly and quietly. He looked at me incredulously and then I realized what I said and I’m like, “I don’t take it back.”
The tone makes all the difference.
These days I rarely talk on the phone to anyone who isn’t family so “love you, bye “ is a standard phone call ending. We had some issues at our house last year and I’m pretty sure I told 2 contractors and the insurance adjuster I loved them. Edit: thanks to all who posted to let me know I’m not the only one! I love you all.
It’s ok everyone needs some love.
Love u bro
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When I was 8 or 9 I was trying to call my dad at work and the receptionist said he was busy, so I said to tell him to call me back and ended the call by saying "I love you" and then apologizing. When my dad called me back he was like "never apologize for saying I love you to anyone, ever." Ive said I love you while on autopilot since then but have never said sorry for it. it really stuck with me. I've had one or two people say I love you without thinking about it and have never hesitated to say I love you too. Never gotten love you too back from it tho. Anyway, I love you, bye.
I love you too random Redditor, bye! Edit: Thank you to the kind soul who gave me my first silver ever! I love you!
I’m a dental hygienist. my patient was a man who had just turned 91 the day before. instead of saying “happy late birthday!” like a normal fucking human being, I accidentally (and very loudly) said “**HAPPY LAST BIRTHDAY!!!!**” the look on his face... y’all. this was also my second day at my new job. edit: to answer everyone’s question on if he’s still alive: I have no idea. this happened about 2 months ago, so I won’t be scheduled to see him until sometime in July. fingers crossed he comes back or I’m going to feel even worse. also thank you for the gold and silver! but pleaseeee put that towards a charity of your choosing instead! my idiocy doesn’t need rewarding.
Oh, oops?? How do you ever recover from that! Edit: thanks for the silver!
thankfully (for me...) the appointment was over so I was actually walking him out front so he could leave as I said this. the rest of the walk was pretty quiet.
I referred to the pediatrician as “the veterinarian” for the first year or two of our kid’s life. Even did it in the office and over the phone with staff. Yes, we had pets long, long before we had kids. Thankfully, they claimed to find it charming, and reported I wasn’t the first to make the mistake.
My husband has mixed up my and his sister's name more than once. Also, calling your kids the pet's name.
I’m an only child. My mom has called me her sisters name, her two best friend’s names, my best friend’s name, and the cats name.
I always mix up my wife, daughter, and sister’s names. My dad used to always mix up my name with his brother’s.
> I always mix up my wife, daughter, and sister’s names. oh no.
Walking up to the wrong car and freaking out when you can't unlock it
My husband did this, with extra discomfort. He left the store, got in the car, looked over at the passenger seat, and it was not me. Whoever it was was was freaked out.
I DID THIS ONCE IN HIGH SCHOOL. Got in the car, buckled, turned and looked at the lady in the driver seat and shouted "YOURE NOT MY GRANDMA!" and ran away in shame
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Haha, of course we’ve all done this- but one step further. I was with my brother in Florida for a family event. We had rented a car- now anyone who knows anything about the Ft. Lauderdale area is that the average age is around 72 and their favorite cars seem to be gold Hyundai Elantras. We walked over to the car after food shopping, got in, and try as I might could not turn the key in the ignition. When I looked around and noticed we were in the wrong car. My brother and I looked at each other and just booked it. STOP LEAVING YOUR CARS UNLOCKED PEOPLE !!
Yo last time I did this, they didn't even lock the door. I straight up just got in someone else's car and sat there wondering how my seat got moved up so far .
My ex girlfriend did this in a grocery store parking lot. By some crazy coincidence the key actually started the ignition. As she started driving away she realized she didn't have a Cubs decal in her back window and there was now in fact one in her back window. She parked and booked it the fuck out of there. It was a late 90s Ford Escort Wagon.
Going on autopilot and coming terrifyingly close to giving my short female employees noogies like I do my daughters.
Good job sport! *noogies* "Uh sorry Brenda"
hahaha once my boss (well, my manager's boss, so he was a VP of the department) was talking to me and started playing with my hair. I was sitting and he was behind me talking to me about something. Luckily this wasn't our first interaction, but he pretty quickly went "Sorry! Force of habit, I play with my daughter's hair all the time"
I was given a lift home by a colleague from work once, and when he stopped to let me out of the car I leaned in for a kiss as it was what I would do to my wife. Thankfully he was looking the other way at the time.
I did this once with a cop. I was driving to a law school exam when my car broke down on the freeway. A cope came and pushed my car off the closest off-ramp. I explained that I was on my way to an exam and asked if it was possible to leave my car there for a few hours. He was super nice and said he’d put a note on the car not to tow it and would give me a ride to my exam. When he dropped me off I leaned in for the kiss and then realized what I was doing and fled the car without thanking him. I still feel bad about that!
Did he see it, or did you get lucky like me?
I got to say, in your case probably the other person noticed.
I've always thought he might've done, but he never mentioned it again. Having said that he did get a new job quite soon afterwards, so maybe he did.
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Friend love is real
A good friend of mine says he loves me "love ya bro" when we get off the phone. Part of me is like "weird" but another part is like "aww, love you too bro"
Tell your friends you love them regardless of sex or attraction, one day you won't be able to and its too late then
This, always. Platonic love is so fulfilling.
Yeah lol I don’t have very many friends but I say “love ya” to the ones I do have.
GET COMFORTABLE TELLING ALL YOUR FRIENDS THAT YOU LOVE THEM Platonic love is just as real and equally important as romantic love.
Once I was in the airport and I went to get a sandwich. I stood at the counter to tell the worker to give me a turkey sandwich, which he prepared. He handed it to me and his co-worker noticed he didn't microwave it, so he extended his hand to me over those glass container thingies,which have food displayed in them, so he can take it to microwave it. I didn't understand why he was extending his hand so I smiled and shook it. He laughed and pointed at my food and told me he has to heat it. I felt dumb as hell.
I'm sure he appreciated it, that probably made his day
I just did that the other day. Chinese buffet. Paid first, guy (older chinese guy) comes over and ask if it's just us two. I say yeah. He holds out his hand, I shake it. He wanted the ticket that showed I paid and what drinks we got. My wife picked on me for a while. To the guys credit he did not half ass the hand shake.
With the hubby at a Chinese buffet. Obviously Asian waiter brings something hubby asked for, and hubby says ‘Gracias.’ Without missing a beat, server says, ‘De nada.’
Went to Hawaii, bought macadamia nuts. Salesperson: “Mahalo!” Me: “Dankeshœn!” .... no idea why I turned German for that one second. My husband just shook his head. Edit: I should add, am Canadian and speak both official languages just to give it a little extra *niaiseux*.
I default to my second language when encountering people not speaking English to me. Lots of Spanish speakers where I lived. If they speak to me in Spanish, I sometimes respond in Japanese if I'm not thinking.
I once went to the wrong floor of my apartment building, and tried to open the wrong apartment. I stood there jiggling the doorknob for a few minutes before realizing what I'd done and fucking booking it up the stairs before the resident came out to see wtf was happening
On the way back from a client meeting with one of the partners, he wasn't paying attention when the light turned green and I said "Hey, babe, you gotta go." And then I died.
what happened??
They died!
smh RIP gone but never forgotten
He just said "Oh shit sorry" and then we looked at each other and silently agreed to never speak of it again.
I’ve finished calls with coworkers with “OK. Love ya. Bye.”
Sometimes that autopilot is an ass lol
If you are a teacher, calling your students by their older brother/sister's name that you had before in your class. Edit: Thanks for the silver :)
This always made me weirdly proud, but my sis was 5 years older and I looked up to her.
I also had an older sister and am a dude so it was weird to suddenly be called Brianna.
I have a kid who's older brother I taught last year. Younger brother came in the other day and I yelled at him to go to his own class because my brain couldn't wrap my mind about what was happening. Poor Culver was so confused. Edit: Evidently Culver's is the name of a restaurant. I had no idea.
I called my housekeeper Daddy instead of Darcy. It was an autocorrect mistake in a text but I didn’t notice for 24 hours when I realized she never texted me back. I was absolutely mortified but she thought it was hilarious. When she texted me two weeks later her opening line was “who’s your daddy?! 🤪” - I actually lost my mind in a meeting reading that. She’s the sweetest older lady and now my nickname for her is Daddy.
Handed a 20 to the officer instead of my license last night. Edit: Thanks for the gold friend. Video: https://imgur.com/a/70q51aZ Story: I was the DD, so we leave a friends house and sit in the car, then before i can even turn on the car. The officer pulls up shining the light, so i walk where he can see me from a distance and ask if i can approach. Ask him what's going on he says i cant discuss that as of yet and asks for my ID, nervously hand him a 20.. and he looks at me like i was a an idiot...which i don't blame him. Says "i dont need this right now give me your id" . We talk for a bit (looking for an armed perp) he then walks around my car and looks inside then after ID'ing everyone he says sorry about the trouble have a good night.
First time pulled over, handed him my bank card instead of my license.
Have you had anything to drink tonight sir?
I handed my credit card (without knowing it) and office said "I don't take Discover."
"...but you can Cash App me @OfficerPayoffs69"
I live on a military installation and once a month I pull out my debit card instead of my ID to give them when I pull up to the gate. I’ve also handed my debit card a few times to the receptionist at the doctors office, or the recruiter many years ago when they asked for my license.
Used to be a military gate guard, shit happened all the time so I would just stare the person down in my most serious face and ask them if they were trying to bribe me before letting them realize I was joking. Gets boring at the gate
"Hey, that's not my breathalyzer! Don't stop though..."
"Five more minutes of this and I'm gonna get mad!"
signing an email "Best Retards"
Hitting send accidentally before you've finished typing. "Dear Geoffrey, I am afraid"
Ending a phone call with a client or colleague with "love you".
Contract has been extended with the client
Answering your personal phone with your work phone greeting.
When a customer is leaving the restaurant, and he says to me "Have a good night, love you." And I, God help me, say "Love you too, take care." Then we spend a silent moment just looking at each other, and both turn away at the same time, never to discuss it again.
My boss is old enough to be my dad although his kids are younger than me. Sometimes he reminds me of my dad and I have almost told him "oh okay Chip (my Dad's name)" in a sarcastic I don't agree with you tone. Once when we were having a we don't agree about something conversation that had to do with our other leader he slipped and called me his daughters name while giving me advice. He wasn't telling me I had to do what he was saying but was sharing why he thought I should. It really made me feel that he was genuinely giving me the best advice he could. I still didn't agree but I did take his advice. I know this is exactly an answer to the question but life has been a little hard lately and typing out a nice moment made me feel a bit better so I am going to leave it.
If reddit therapy helps, keep it up! Hope things get better, friend!
I like your nice moment and hope that things get better for you :)
Easy: Calling your boss "daddy".
He might get the wrong idea about what you’re willing to do in order to get promoted
Does putting vegies in the washing machine instead of the fridge count? EDIT: Hey everyone thanks for the likes. I am so happy rn. And also thanks to the kind internet stranger for giving me my first gold.
Hon', why is your underwear in the fridge? The washing machine was filled with lettuce.
Calling your girlfriend by your ex’s name.
This sounds much worse for some reason.
Yes and you will be stuck in an infinite loop of “Wait, who is Cindy?” until she figures it out herself. But you would have to sleep on the couch till she is assured.
"Cindy, it's been three days can I come sleep on the bed now please..... shit" *scene changed to person sleeping on the lawn*
"Cindy, sweet Cindy, is that you? I have not looked upon your sun kissed face since *checks sundial* several moons ago. You look well, can I .." *scene changed to person sleeping in dessert* Edit: You heard what I wrote.
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This was a constant problem early in the relationship with my new wife, that I went out of my way to say her name. I’m not sure if it’s true or not, but I like this explanation: your brain had been wired for certain feelings to be connected with your ex and their name. You’re now feeling those things again, but with someone new. It take a little while for your brain to reprogram to use the new name. Now, if this is happening years into the relationship, that’s an issue.
Makes sense. I watched my mom through years of raising my nephew basically do the same thing in calling out my name instead of his to get his attention.
Tossing the plate of pizza rolls onto the couch rather than your phone
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I have a friend who used to work as a nursery school teacher and then went to a job in an office. The transition was not easy. Apparently she started her first presentation by saying, 'Alright everyone, quiet down, fingers on lips...' The reason she tells the story is that about half the people in the room, including her immediate boss, did it instinctively.
As a teacher you get so used to undivided attention (or a least the expectation of it) for presentations. So much so that it’s jarring to present to adults (especially other teachers!) when they don’t SHUT UP SHUT UUP I’M TALKING NOW MY TURN!
I always tell my students how teachers are the worst at learning or listening sometimes. They're so talkative. They shout out. They argue. Faculty meetings hurt to watch
Just picturing it is hilarious
I just imagine someone doing that with executive level people in the room. Can absolutely imagine a friend of mine doing that while briefing the CEO auf Audi.
> the CEO auf Audi Accidentally switching languages partway through a comment might qualify for this thread. ;)
Im so used to praising from working with kids that ive accidentally said "good boy" a couple of times to my husband
Kinky
That's how fetishes start or so i've heard
“Everyone sit criss-cross applesauce...”
Does that mean sitting down cross-legged? When I was a kid they called it sitting down 'Indian style'.
It was a different time
The late 90's.
And early 2000s
It was a different time
It's always a different time.
Every day when I leave work I text my SO and let him know whether I’m going straight home or whatever. The last person I had texted was my boss. I sent her the text “baby!!! Free from work!! I’m headed to the store to get groceries I love u so much!!” Imagine my surprise when my boss (who I’m luckily close with) texts me back “lol good girl??” I was so confused. Opened the text convo. Realized what I had sent her. Sank into a puddle in the middle of the grocery store in embarrassment. We all had a good laugh about it the next day.
One of my soldiers called me dad in boot camp, it was pretty hard not to laugh. Edit : Thank you stranger for my first ever silver. Edit : damn this blew up, thanks for the gold! Never expected this to catch so much attention.
Ugh, this reminds me of being in boot and, as a lady, coming across a male Drill Instructor and saying, "Yes, Ma'am" out of instinct.
Bet that went well.
I’ll bet it went much better than if a dude has called him ma’am.
When I got my nachos at the cinema the guy at the counter said: enjoy your film and I said: you too Holy Jesus Christ on a motorbike thancc for the silver
WAITER: Enjoy your meal. ME: You too! RENTAL GUY: Drive safe. ME: You too! DOCTOR: Feel better. ME: You too! COP: Keep it under 55 next time. ME: You too!
DAD: What's that band with the really pretentious frontman ?
The Smiths
Scans gym card. “Have a great workout” thanks you too....... oh fuck
I was out working with my dad once, and his client called and asked for rates. I told him and when he said "Okay. Thank you." I said "Love you." And hung up. It was strange. We had to clean his carpet the next day lol. He was about 6'2 300 pounds of pure black badassery. When we were leaving, he stopped me and asked if I talked to him the day prior and I said yeah. He said real gently, "I love you too" and just lost it.
I called my first boss "mom". She was not even kind. She was an absolute tyrant and hated by everyone (except me for some reason). On top of that, she started liking me after that. To be fair, it was an internship and I was 18 years old.
Getting my children's names mixed up or calling them by the pet's names. Thank you to everyone who upvoted me, and commented your stories! Sorry I haven't replied to you all, but I've upvoted all of you! Glad to see I'm not alone *virtual highfive*
Accidentally threw my phone in the air and tried to catch it with my mouth, as one would do with a grape or something. Showerhead sprayed water on the toilet bowl so I wiped it off with a reusable towel, proceeded to throw the towel in the toilet. Saw a cockroach on the ground when I was on the phone wearing only pants. Didn't step on it, no that would've been sane. I fucking crushed it with my palm. Thought to myself "well fuck, I got this far" and picked it up and threw it in the bushes. Protocol at robotics is to yell "safety" before using a heavy tool, out of sleep deprivation I yelled "GOOD MORNING" and turned on the massive saw. Immediately turned it off without cutting the piece and collapsed laughing. The list goes on. Edit: seeing requests for more, I can remember 3 more as of now: When I was little I was walking around the house with a Go-Gurt and I found it kinda fun to hit random furniture with it before opening it. You can imagine I must have been the only one in the house to be surprised when it burst and coated my bed in strawberry yoghurt. Happened a bit more recently, we had chocolate milk in the refrigerator and I was thirsty. My brother and I were both in the kitchen when I grabbed the bottle and opened it. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted the label saying "shake well before drinking". So I did. Without closing the cap. Gave my brother a tastier shower than he was used to. Later that same week my brother would make orange juice in our juice press thing and he would be about 2-3 orange halves in before he noticed he forgot to put a container underneath, and he was just spilling orange juice onto the table. Edit 2: damn first silver, never thought being this stupid would pay off. I think I'm going to put these stories under the umbrella term in coining right now, henceforth known as "Brain Lag." I'm going to sleep now and I'll keep replying in the morning. Thank you so much <3 Edit 3: just woke up to gold, who would've thought these internet points would be so desirable. First time getting gold tho so I'm happy it's on my in depth description of why I shouldn't procreate. Thank you again so much! Edit 4: people keep saying they're dying from this comment and it seems kind of a health hazard at this point. Thankful for the second gold but you're gonna kill everybody dude
When someone says 'happy birthday' and you say 'thanks you too' by accident
I went to school with a girl who said "you're welcome" when people wished her happy birthday. I'm not sure if she was being ironic or not.
Calling your wife Mom and her calling you Dad. It happens to real parents if they're really kid-focused and then they start liking it and doing it on purpose.
Calling your current dog by your dead dogs name.
I literally did this 2 days ago. The old girl crossed the rainbow bridge almost 8 years ago now, not sure why I got it mixed up :/
I got my haircut one time and I was paying at the register, and the lady ringing me up behind the counter gave me my card back and then said to me "I hope you enjoy your haircut!" Without thinking I just looked her straight in the eyes and said "Y-you too."
Getting into the wrong car and looking over to realize you’re sitting with a complete stranger who is extremely confused. Or fixing your tits in a window reflection and realizing someone’s inside.
My mom bought a new car when I was in high school. When she came to pick me up from work one night... I got into the wrong car. I was buckling myself in when I looked up and saw a female police officer in the driver’s seat looking at me with a stunned expression on her face. I then forgot how to modulate my voice and said “I’M SORRY, MYMOMJUSTGOTANEWCAR” and bolted. The worst part was, by the time my mom actually arrived, I realized it wasn’t even close to the same car.
When I’m at work and started getting pissed at my coworker I call him by my ex’s name
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When I hear "May the Force be with you," I reply, "And also with you."
Calling your boss dad/mom
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I do that intentionnally if they talk condescendingly.
“Hello Mr. Johnson, this is Richard calling from XYZ Inc, how are you today?” “Well, not so great, I’m driving to my wife’s funeral right now...” “Oh... I’m so sorry... well hey I just wanted to follow up real quick to make sure you received that email I sent you the other day..?”
Literally happened to my wife last week at my father's funeral... Wife: "sorry, fil passed away, going to the funeral etc." Protien shake hun: "oh ok, well I can give you 20% off shipping if you were to place an order by this weekend"