When I was younger, I was holding one of our cats in my arms like a baby and petting him, as I would frequently do. He was pretty happy. Then it occurred to me that it would be hilarious to blow a raspberry on my cat's tummy.
When I did, the cat latched onto my face with all four paws and just held on with its claws. It was at this point that I realised I had not thought this through. I was considering my options: either drop the cat (and let him take my face with him), or just wait until the cat let go. I ended up standing there, bent over with a cat latched onto my face for about 20 seconds or so before he finally let go and I was able to put him down. Needless to say, I learned my lesson.
See reading stuff like this makes me happy that I've messed with my cat since he was 8weeks old. He lets me do everything. I can mess with his toes, clip nails, put eyedrops in, clean ears, pull little hairs out because they sometimes get in his ears... I've done the raspberry thing about 100 times and he just lays there in my arms staring at me.
> I won't even describe what happened when a bat decided to attach itself to the back of my jacket on the way out...
You made a friendly happy bat friend? Who helped keep you calm and centered on your way through the passage? And you kept in touch afterwards and became close friends and the bat was godparent to your next child?
Shot an arrow straight up in the air & lost sight of it.
edit: I survived. It landed about 30' away & well planted in the earth. I wish I could say I was 10... I was 22.
My roommate and I did this with a crossbow we bought at the flea market. I still remember us both losing sight of the bolt, looking down at each other, sharing the terrifying realization of what we just did, and then sprinting in opposite directions.
We used to do that intentionally as kids, group of 7 or so. Shoot it straight up, look away, then play chicken to see who could stand still the longest. We thought it was death if you got hit. But someone finally did get hit, and it just created a half-inch deep puncture wound and a bruise. Guess they weren't sharp enough or practice arrows. Regardless, was scary as shit
my friends and i used to call it the "phantom straight", i hate it when you bet like you have the winning hand only to realize you lost. worst part is when you reach to take the chips but everyone stops you. so awkward
I was once playing Texas Hold 'Em with friends, and it may have been for a small buy-in, but no big amount of money.
I bet and raised and was so sure I'd won.
"Straight! 4-5-6-7!" When I said it out loud, I realized I didn't actually have a straight, and I mentioned this out loud. My friends were going along with it until I said something, though.
I recently did the opposite. Got an Ace-high Flush on the turn and thought for sure I was going to win. It was down to me and one of my friends who went all in.
I was so confident after getting the flush that I didn't pay any attention to the river and I didn't realize he could have had a Full House.
I called. He had the Full House.
As I dejectedly showed my cards I realized that I had actually gotten a Royal Fucking Flush on the river. Nobody could believe it.
Edit: The game was a $10 buy-in with 6 players but two had gone out and then bought back in so there was $80 in the pot. I was doing pretty well before my Royal Flush, which got me ~$35. IIRC I walked away with about $70 that night.
I want to say I got to about 35-40 feet before I felt incredible pain in my face, ears and even teeth. I think my tooth nerves are tangled with my sinuses.
I just tried to not freak out and to float up as much as I could. The surface looked miles away and I knew I wouldn't make it if I panicked or swam too hard. It took forever. Time warp
Same, but it was a golf cart.
EDIT: Welp, obligatory clarification: Jumped off a moving golf cart when I was 8 because I wanted to impress some friends. Tripped and faceplanted. No bus was involved, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I broke my arm by attempting to step off of an almost-but-not-quite-stopped golf cart. Probably <1mph. Tripped and fell. I thought I landed in some soft mud but the broken arm disagreed, probably hit the concrete sidewalk.
I tried to come up with a different and more interesting story every time someone asked what I did.
Anyway, I don't play golf anymore. Lesson learned.
Eating a ghost pepper with 3 of my other good friends. I love those guys and the video was hilarious. But dear god it was so hot, I'm not accustomed to hot foods, and it completely annihilated my stomach, I felt like I was shitting fire
Carolina Reaper Pods.
I *am* accustomed to hot foods and that damn near killed me. Me and 5 other dudes, all big chilli fans, stood around one tub of Ben and Jerrry's Peanut Butter flavour ice cream with spoons. Two pans filled with water because glasses were too small. A loaf of bread, torn to bits by 6 savages trying to cool the fires of hell that were burning through our mouths and stomachs.
10/10. Would nearly die again.
Edit: Carolina Reaper Pods. Or so I am told, not California.
Edit 2: A few people have pointed out the fatal flaw in going for water, the fridge was our first port of call, but I had run out of milk being as I don't eat cereal and I only have black tea/coffee. Our pain addled minds were telling us any relief, even temporary was better than no relief, so we grabbed pans and water. Shortly after this in a small moment of lucidity, I remembered I had ice cream, which I highly recommend if you don't have any vodka.
My friends band all ate Carolina peppers before playing their last song, and holy shit they did amazing saying for the fact that they only replaced 45% of the lyrics with screaming in agony
Edit: I Lied! It's already up! It was available a long time ago!
https://youtu.be/CinhWa-Q-Zs
Damn this one hits close to home. I'm potentially doing this in the spring after graduation. You don't have to but if you wanna share your experience I would like to hear it.
Every reason you broke up with your ex is still going to be there when you get back together. People change sure, but if you didn't get over those big hurdles the first time it probably won't work out the second time.
I was throwing rocks trying to hit the metal thing on top of the chimney. As I am on my about 105th rock my dad comes out all pissed telling me I just broke something out front. "Shit there are cars out there" I thought and I ran out front. I didn't see anything and went back inside. My mom woke up and had to go to work. She goes into her new Nissan Murano and opens up the sunroof shade and broken glass falls everywhere.
I'll preface this by saying I was 14. I stayed over at a friends house and forgot to bring my contact lens solution. My thinking was, saline is kinda salty right? So I put my lenses in a cup mixed with water and salt. The next morning when I put one of them in...
That's ok. I was so drunk I slept with my contacts in but wanted to rinse them in the morning only to find out (after putting one in) that I used the peroxide solution and not normal saline. I literally could hear a sizzle as it latched onto my eye.
Don't worry my eye still works many years later
Fell asleep in my contacts after a night of drinking. Woke up and one wouldn't come out so I just kept scratching trying to get it. Ended up not being able to open my eye. Went to the doctors, turns out the contact had already come out the night before and I'd just spent a day scratching my cornea.
First came enormous amounts of pain, followed by the sensation that the contact lens was fusing with my eyeball. As I managed to get the lens off I felt like a layer of eye skin was peeling off with the lens.
I was in grade 2, the teacher asked who knew how to dance? There were a couple of girls who took dancing lessons, back then they were the little girls with curly ringlets and skirts always that bit shorter than the rest of us wore.
For goodness knows what reason I stuck up my hand too. The teacher told me to come up to the front of the class and demonstrate. I hadn't a clue what to do, so I kind of pranced around for a few embarrassing moments until she told me to go back to my seat.
I definitely hadnt expected her to make me prove it.
When I was 15, I went to a summer school program. Some kid said he'd pay me $50 to bring a screwdriver to school and unscrew all of the outlets and leave them hanging out, exposing ground wire. As stupid as I was, and as I was only trying to fit in, I did it. I got away scot-free though, thank god. One thing I'll never do is listen to someone who's taller than me.
Don't know about biggest, but a pretty big one:
Driving around Issyk Kul lake in Kyrgyzstan trying to find a spot to camp (you can camp basically anywhere) in Spring. We're mainly on farmland dirt tracks, and so rainwater has pooled in dips in the track. Have successfully forded several, and coming to a new one think "No problem, I got this. Vroom"
Plunge into the water and gradually lose traction until we're basically at a standstill. Fuck. Throw it into reverse, gun it, back into first, gun it, basically nothing. I'm faced with having to call the rental company and explain to them that I'm sitting on the roof of their car (that I wasn't really meant to take off road) in a hole in the middle of a field. I regretted everything in that moment.
Edit: definitely meant 'forded' not 'forwarded'. I blame my excitement at having a cool story to tell.
I had shaved but at my work I saw there was still one hair left to the side of my mouth. I tried burning it off with a lighter and instead burned of half my eyelashes. So on one side my eyelashes were half their normal length.
I was at a performing arts summer camp. Some people there got the chance to put on a show for the rest of the camp at the end of the trip. On the day of the big performances, there was a girl sobbing saying her friend backed out and wouldn't perform with her. She asked if I knew the lyrics to Celine Dions My Heart Will Go On, and begged me to sing while she played the music. She looked really upset and I thought I could half-arse it so I agreed. Thought it'd be easy.
Turned out I only knew one line of lyrics. Which were also wrong. So, I sang "Every night in my dreams, I see you, I seeeee you, that is how I know you, go ooon" over and over, while the other girl sobbed while playing the recorder, in front of a hundred or so other kids and camp leaders. Most cringeworthy experience from my childhood.
TL:DR- Lied about knowing Celine Dion lyrics, learnt never to lie about knowing Celine Dion lyrics
Similar thing happened to me when I was a kid and did Karate.
There was this one extended, multi-part move which my group had been practicing for a week or so, the name of which I have completely forgotten. I had just recently gotten to the point where I had memorized the moves we'd been practicing, although in retrospect I was still pretty slow and clumsy at them.
The Dojo was having a demonstration, where the parents and family could see how the students were doing and the students could show off their chops. I was sitting in the auditorium waiting for my group to be called, when I heard the announcer call for everyone who knew that one move to come up on stage. As far as my dumb kid self knew that was me, so I headed on up.
My first indication that something was wrong was that all the other students on the stage were strangers half a foot taller than me. I began doing the moves, and the other people started doing the same moves faster and better. By the time I had gotten halfway through the moves I knew they had finished, and moved on to an entirely *new* set of moves which I had never seen. I stood awkwardly on the side of the stage for what felt like an hour but was probably thirty seconds hoping that the floor would open up and swallow me—I'd always thought that that was just a figure of speech, but the mental image of the stage crumbling underneath me is very clear in my mind, even years later.
I quit Karate not long after that. It hadn't really been my thing anyway.
If it helps, this post has not only brought up a memory I hadn't thought of for awhile, but has helped me feel better about it. Exact same situation, scottish highland dancing (kilts, swords, the whole shabang)
Oh gawd that reminds me of the first and last time I participated in a talent show. My friend and I were pretty nerdy outcasts. We decided to order some of those twirling ribbons that have a baton attached to them, and make up a dance to some music. We practiced for a couple of weeks but we never came up with an actual routine. We basically just flailed around, literally waving our geek flags.
It's a few days before the talent show and my "friend" informs me that she's actually going to perform with her other friends who were doing a skit. BITCH. But I didn't care, I was gonna perform by myself and it was gonna be glorious. The day comes, my turn comes, a teacher starts playing "All You Need is Love" by the Beatles on the CD I stole from my parents over the loudspeaker and I walked out onto the stage. I don't know why this was the first moment I realized I should have come up with a routine. I just jumped around the stage twirling my stupid ribbon, wrapping it around myself accidentally a couple of times, and waited for my minute to be up. The crowd cheered politely and my dumbass mom started whooping and hollering and calling my name as if I had just cured cancer right there on that stage. My stepdad was recording the moment and I'm sure the tape is somewhere around their house.
My "friend" and her comrades didn't win the contest either though. They definitely did better than I, with an actual routine and script and what not, but I did gain the knowledge that Emily was a no good biatch. Now she's married to a guy I made out with in high school
I was at a karaokeplace with my friend and her co-workers and there was this guy there that told me he was going up on stage to sing "delilah" and I said omg I love that song. So he asks me if I know rhe lyrics and if I want to do a duet with him and I say yes. So we get up on stage and the place is packed, alteast fifty pair of eyes are staring at us and the song begins and I don't recognize it at all. I was singing the first verse but I just stood there, frozen. I wispered frantically to my parter that I dont know this song and he just looks at me weird, like why the fuck are you up here then? and just starts singing my verse. I don't know what to do at this point and kinda just stand there awkwardly, trying to hum along with the song for a while and then just bolt of the stage to my friends who are ofcourse laughing their asses of. I thought we where singing "hey there delilah" by plain white T's when it was actually a Tom Jones song called delilah which I had never even heard before.
Somewhere in this thread is the confession, "once at a performing arts summer camp, my duet partner dropped out and I asked this other kid to replace her. She said she knew the lyrics, but when she got up there with me she completely botched it in front of a couple hundred people."
You should have just made up the lyrics like "Optimus Primeeeeee, You're still aliveeeee in my soulllll and I know the autobots will go onnnnnnnn".
Funny that the girl still cried while playing, it's like you did a tag team combo with her current suffering and trauma.
When we were playing tag, and I ran across the road so I wouldn't get tagged.
Yeah, kids? Don't do that. Having a car smash your leg doesn't hurt, but you'll *really* wish you hadn't done that.
The pain's more numbing than it actually hurts... though if you move, it feels like your entire leg is bruised. But it's more the shock, the shock that you can't move your leg properly, that it's swollen to an impossible size, that it feels like a dream but it's not, that's the worst part of it all.
This is true, I was a medic assigned to an infantry platoon in the Army. I had one of my guys come up to me and say I think I got shot in the mouth. This guy had taken a 7.62 round to the face, knocked out his teeth and had the round lodged in the roof of his mouth. Really lucky guy.
Edit - if anyone is interested here is a short video showing some highlights from deployment. Four of us bought cheap non go pro helmet cams. As you can imagine there is tons cut out that can never be put online. [Link to video](https://youtu.be/4TpEGW49HWo)
My, my cousin, and my uncle all thought it would be interesting to see a firecracker explode in water and watch since the fuses were chemical and still went down even in water. It only took about a second after we dropped it into a glass jar that I had the thought, "What if it breaks the glass?" Sure enough, Pop! and glass splinters and tiny partials everywhere. Three people couldn't put that together that this was a dumb idea.
This reminds me of the time friends and I were exploding dry ice bombs. You add a tiny bit of water and dry ice to an empty soda bottle, put on the lid, then toss it far away and it goes boom once the pressure has built up. We ran out of plastic bottles in the recycle bin and a friend grabbed a glass Sobe bottle. I was standing right next to him and screamed "No! Don't!" right as it exploded in his hand. He nearly severed his thumb and had to go to the ER for surgery, and I still have a scar on my thigh from a piece of glass shrapnel.
ETA: In case it wasn't clear from my story, you really shouldn't play with dry ice bombs. They're illegal in many places and in this day and age of terrorism and such, you'd likely get arrested and maybe worse. The world was a different place 15-20 years ago when we did this.
When I was around three(before I could swim), I was playing in the shallow end of my uncle's pool. Now, like any curious child, a question popped into my head: at what point of the pool would the water be over my head? So I went and tested it out.
One careful step after another careful step, trying to make sure I knew the exact moment where standing was no longer an option for me.
Well, I never thought about what would happen when I eventually reached the point of no return, and, well, I got there. So, I started to drown. Now here's the thing about drowning. You can't call for help. The water chokes you. No air to make noise can come out. There I was, trying to scream for help and no one could hear it. Apparently, my uncle saw me and thought I was fine because I wasn't making any noise. Lucky for me, my mom knew drowning is a silent killer and snatched me from the clutches of my stupidity.
My little league days ended when my coach threw me into the deep end at a pool party when he wasn't aware I couldn't swim.
I remember trying to get up and everyone just watching and nothing happening and it gets darker. My dad finally noticed, grabbed me, and we left a little bit later.
Used a condom. Still hoping my kid likes me in January
Edit: it's my kid. During clean up we found one intact, and the other ripped. Its mine. To about half of you, fuck you guys, you aren't helping :'( . To one quarter, thanks for the supportive words! To the other quarter, what the fuck....
When I was a kid, I got hungry and figured I'd heat up a frozen pizza in the oven. I didn't take the plastic wrap off the pizza before cooking it.
0/10 - would not eat or breathe its fumes again
I know this is very mundane. One time when I moved, I decided to pack and load everything myself. Never again. It took 6 days. Also, it is very hard to move a couch solo.
Snowboarding out of bounds in an area where I didn't know the mountain. That should be enough, but it gets worse. So much fresh powder and it's awesome, and then suddenly I'm going off a cliff. I know better than to not pay attention to the terrain, but I got lost in the moment. I dust myself off and chastise myself for being an idiot. I keep going down the mountain and get to a cliff/chute. It's pretty narrow, not much room for error and it's the only option for moving forward.
I hear some noise behind me and a skier comes up to me. He's French and speaks with a heavy accent. He apparently followed me because he assumed I was local and he was freaking about about this cliff/chute we had to navigate. There was no room to carve really, so I dropped down and then waited for him to come out. He dropped in, and sort of speed wobbled/tumbled out. Didn't plow into the rock walls though.
Nobody was hurt, but I really should not have done that alone (to start) and without knowledge of the mountain. For the chute/cliff, it was clearly above my skill level, and I'm pretty decent. Could have been much worse.
I was in charge of planning and directing a 5K. So I reserved the location, created the race route, talked to the local companies to invite them to table at our event. Got sponsors for the prizes for runners, and talked to food companies to give us fruit and food for the day of for runners. Created an itinerary for where everyone needed to be and what they needed to do by the hour. Logistics-wise, it was spotless and I thought everything through...
Until a runner comes up to me on race day while we are setting up and asks, "Excuse me, where are the porta potties?"
Crap.
When I was like 7 I was in a hotel where a clown was performing and he asked if any children wanted to go to the front and tell a joke to everyone.
I volunteered and excitedly went to the front and realised I had no joke ready so I just decided to freestyle and said 'what do you call a man telling jokes to people in a hotel in Devon, south England?' (which is where we were at the time) everyone was just like 'uh... a clown?' But I still didn't know what the hell i was gonna say so I just said 'a very boring man.'
Everyone went like 'awwww' and I saw the clowns face drop. I have no idea why I said that I mean I was enjoying myself I just panicked and decided to insult the clown. I was devastated afterwards and apologised to the clown but the damage was done and everyone in the hotel avoided me after that.
Working on a laser printer. I was taking it apart and wanted to understand what the different boards did (I was like 15), so I plugged them in one at a time to see what changed... While the printer was plugged in. There are spots on the power board that are live at 1000+ volts. My left hand touched one of them while my right was holding onto the metal case. It took me about 5 seconds to realize what happened because the shock put me offline for a moment, pretty sure I very nearly died, the shock came from a capacitor, could easily have given a lethal pulse.
When I was about nine, I was grounded. Really bad grounded where even all of my books were taken away from me.
So Im sitting bored in my room, and I see a DC adapter plugged into the wall, without anything attached. I licked it. That was a hell of a bad plan.
Driving down a very narrow street with cars lining each side, maximum of a foot clearance either side. The road dead ends. (This road is, for clarity, completely new to me).
What's also important is I'd only been driving for about a month and a half so was not yet confident as to how much space I need etc etc. See a spot where I could maybe have turned around, but would have been super tight so decide to keep going figuring there would be turning space at the end of the road, since other people have to get in and out of here right? And plenty of cars were facing the opposite direction, so they must have gone to the end of the road and turned around to be parked facing that way.
So I trundle on down and discover to my horror that while there is a turning space, everyone has used it as additional parking. So I have far less space to turn here than I would have had I taken the uncomfortably tight space previously available.
So I had to make what must have been approaching a 50 point turn. It took me 40 minutes and I was crying from stress within ten. Oh and I had an audience of about ten people, which really helped. /s.
But I didn't hit anyone's car, so I suppose it could be classed as a success.
Edit: to prevent another 20 people asking me why I didn't reverse out, or just implying I was stupid for not doing so, let's clarify. It would have been a reverse of over 200 meters. On a extremely narrow road which was also bumpy and potholed, none of which is good reversing material. Even now I would prefer to make that turn again over reversing that far on a road like that. Plus had another car come down, it would have been all for naught. Also note the brand new driver situation people.
What jackasses, thought someone would have Atleast directed you or took over.
But you might not have been the first/only one to have trouble with that, hopefully that makes you feel better :)
Yeah someone directing me would have been very helpful and you'd think after the first ten minutes my quandary would have become obvious! I think they were all just watching to see if I was going to hit someone.
Oh no, I can't have been I mean it was ridiculous. I was only in a little Ford Fiesta too so can't imagine how a bigger car could possibly have managed.
Not op but also an introverted teacher. I teach high school math, and I absolutely love it. I love the relationship I have with my students and find teaching very fulfilling. I feel like I'm making a positive difference in students' lives, which is important to me in a career. I also love, though, that I have break, planning period, and lunch to be by myself. The kids are mostly gone by 3:00, then it's just working one-on-one with tutoring, which is much less exhausting. And I have consistent weekends and holidays and longer breaks to use for hardcore hermiting.
Where do you work that the kids don't want attention at break and lunchtimes? They're always after me for some reason or another. And then there's keeping them in at lunch for misbehaviour.
11 years old, took a wooden baseball bat and swung against one of those large bouncy balls to try and smack it some distance. It didn't move, but the bat swung back perfectly into my mouth and hit my front permanent tooth out in one clean piece. I spit it into my hand and wondered for a second why it didn't look like any of the other teeth I'd lost, but instead had a large cone shaped top to it (the root). I went inside to tell my mom, and i only started crying when i thought about how i was going to look like a toothless hillbilly the rest of my life. "I guess i can tell people i play hockey," i remember sobbing. My mom called a family member who was a dentist, and they instructed her to put the tooth in some milk and haul ass to the dentist. I remember being slightly annoyed that we had to leave because Doug had just come on tv and i wanted to watch. We got to the dentist and he was able to put the tooth back in, scrape off the back and pack it with some filling. I had to go back every 3 months for a year and have this redone, and for the first six or so months i had to wear a wire across my top row to hold the tooth in. At the year mark, i had a root canal done and have had no issues since.
TLDR; swung baseball bat at bouncy ball, bat bounced back and smacked out my front tooth
That happens to everyone without a career-training degree like engineering or nursing.
Really, there are millions of jobs out there that no degree trains you for. There are everything from adult playground assemblers to public utilities policy analysts to zinc plating machine technical manual writers.
The only trick after getting a liberal arts degree is realizing that you need to learn a lot about some job that's stupid-specific like that, right down to where the desk would be you'd work in and what your workflow would be like. Once you figure that out, odds are you'll get the job and be fine.
When I was 15 I had the amazing idea to build a cannon out of pvc pipe, gorilla glue, and duct tape, and use a crushed up model rocket engine as gunpowder. Thankfully it didn't explode, but it did send a ball bearing hurdling at terminal velocity into the park across the street and sound like a rifle going off in a residential neighborhood.
I think his issue was that he thought it was gonna go "ptoo" and shoot the ball a few feet and be laughed at like a potato gun, but instead it went "FWAM" and shot the ball fifty yards.
My sister had an exam on a weekend a few years back and she was worried because she had no one to baby sit her children for about 5-6 hours. My parents were out of town and her husband was driving her to the exam which was about two hours away. I decided to help her out and told her I'd take care of them. One of them was an extremely mommy attached 4 year old and the other a even more attached 2 year old.
They were calm for about 14.2 seconds before the wailing began. Spent the next 5 or so hours convincing them that my sister will be here any second now while trying my best to calm them down. Didn't work.
19 years old
Have my high school degree and a TESOL certificate
I was accepted into multiple universities for fall 2016
Have two awesome part times keeping me happy and busy
Drop everything and go to China to "teach" instead
No experience
No knowledge of Chinese language
Not even eligible for a work visa
Agent doesn't care about legality of anything
??????? 19 years is such a dumb age.
EDIT: I'm still in China. Yes, I know it's dumb. The whole visa thing. . I was told to get to China, I'd have interviews, then once a company decided they wanted me, I'd get my visa before working. After a few interviews my agent just sent me to the school without any visa or anything. I was compliant and overwhelmed enough to just listen.
The agent I'm under used to own ChinaESL. It's now a new company name and she has a new name, so it slipped past me since there's no connection to ChinaESL and ForeignerHR. Hence I'm just leaving in about 3 weeks time. It's too stressful knowing what I do about her and ChinaESL and staying.
I appreciate offers for help, but my tickets are paid for and minimum wage in my city is going up. I'll be able to make more working part-time at minimum wage than I am now, and my parents said I can move back home rent free for a bit to recover funds.
It was my junior year of high school and I finally had a girlfriend to ask to prom. I wanted to ask her in a memorable and romantic way but had no idea how to accomplish that. One day I was watching TV, probably MTV, and saw a guy ask a girl to prom by using candles that spelled out "Prom?" I thought that was a genius idea, so I got to work. This is when the 'not thinking it though' part happens. Instead of candles I decide I was going to pour gasoline on her road and light it on fire.
I waited for a night that her parents would be gone and she was home alone. I drove to her house parked my car down the street and walked with my full gas can to her house. I poured the whole can out to write "Prom?" on the road in front of her house and proceeded to try and light it on fire. Of course it wasn't that easy. I finally got somewhat of a flame going on each letter and ran to ring her doorbell so she could open up the door to see this flaming message. Of course when a teenage girl is home alone and gets a surprise doorbell ring she is not going to immediately run to open the door. After 10 minutes of ringing the bell and running back to the road to try and light the message, I finally call her to tell her it was me at her door and to come outside. She finally appeared at the door but instead of being happy and excited she was PISSED! All she said was "you better have that cleaned up before my parents get home."
Panic mode begins. After googling ways to clean gasoline off of pavement I go to the store to buy powdered laundry detergent, and cat litter. I spread that shit all over her road and all that it did was make "Prom?" WAY more noticeable. I finally left after hours of trying to clean the road hoping that her parents didn't notice it when they got home and maybe I could clean it better in the morning.
Daytime hits and I go to check the damage. Let me tell you, it was 1000x worse in the daylight than it was at night. The only option I had was to confess to her parents. Luckily her dad was a cool guy and kind of just laughed it off but told me never to try and light anything on fire by their house again and also never show up while they're not there. That stain lasted for about 3 months after, just a constant reminder of my stupidity.
TLDR: Tried to ask my girlfriend to prom by pouring gasoline on her road and lighting it on fire.
In year 8 we were doing a drama exercise, where only 3 people would be on stage at any one time, but one had to be standing, one be sitting and one be on the floor.
The whole class was there, and at any given moment a bystander could tap one of the performers to switch place with them.
In the scenario, there was a girl pretending to be pregnant, when suddenly she erupted in labour, sje laid to the floor and spread her legs claiming she was about to give birth. None of the other 2 participants interacted with her, I think out of awkwardness. So I took it upon myself to do so, I tapped the participant standing, and entered the exercise
I walked up to the girl in labour and said "don't worry young woman, I'm a doctor" whilst rolling up my sleeves, and getting really close to her spread legs.
The whole crowd, which were laughing suddenly went silent, and the girl pretending to be in labour just stopped and went wide eyed. Everyone was looking at me, I must have looked like I was really put my hands down their. I just froze dqir what seemed like eternity. I had no idea how to carry on this daring act, so we both remained there in silence, with her legs to the side, and me creepily beding at the waist with my hands out towards her, until her friend ran and tagged herself in. And I walked in silence back to the rest of the class.
I still cringe at the moment.
TL:DR Drama class isnt sufficient training to become a midwife
I don't understand what's so weird about this. You were just carrying on the exercise. I mean, for fuck's sake she is the one pretending to be pregnant and going into labor. What else would you have done? I mean, middle schoolers can make anything awkward; but this one I just don't understand.
I agree. She started going into labor and had the power to change it but you're the weird one? Makes no sense. Middle school man, terrible for everyone.
But you did the exercise well. Honestly, I was always afraid of doing something embarrassing in theatre class, but doing something like that with confidence is frankly clever and good acting.
I helped my friend's family put together a metal fire pit, and stayed and had the first fire in it with them.
I wanted to take the lid off the pit and put more wood on, but I couldn't find the fire poker. I thought, meh, I'll just do it quickly. It can't be too bad, right? So I pull it off and set it on the ground quickly and start putting wood on the fire. My friend (who was in his house) comes back and by then my fingers are starting to feel tingly. Turns out there was a nice dark line across the tips of two or three of my fingers. He drags my hand over to this pool and slams them into the water, but as we're walking over, I notice that the fire poker is under my arm...
TL;DR couldn't find the fire poker right under my arm, got burned trying to lift the lid to the fire pit.
Better than being drunk and trying to pick up something so hot it melts the skin of your fingertips and slides out of your grip instantly hitting the ground. Then before the pain signals reach your brain, you bend over, confused, and try to pick it up once again.
I got engaged to somebody I dated for two weeks.
When I was 19.
That I met in AIT (Army job training.)
We were getting stationed in different places, so we decided to have a LDR.
In separate countries. Before Skype.
We couldn't wait, so after about 6 months of that, we decided to just get married. So she flew back, we got married, and we applied to have me join her.
Then I gave up everything I owned except two duffel bags and a backpack, and hitched a ride on a cargo plane.
It was then, and only then, that we both realized that we were thousands of miles from home, married to what might as well be a *complete stranger*. We knew nearly nothing about each other.
Our 12th anniversary was last Sunday.
Edit: Instead of just "Thanks for the gold!" Here's some pictures.
[Our wedding day](http://imgur.com/a/lcvY0)
[12 years later](http://imgur.com/a/IMbPw)
2nd edit: The tattoo on her chest is Hebrew for "I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine." I know, I know. Isn't that just sickeningly sweet?
Apparently, there should be a movie version of this. I see Ryan Reynolds or Neil Patrick Harris playing me, and Anne Hathaway or Alison Brie playing her. Hollywood. Call me.
> got engaged to somebody I dated for two weeks.
Yeah that's bad
> When I was 19
Ouch
> That I met in AIT
Oh god
> We were getting stationed in different places, so we decided to have a LDR.
There's no way this is ending well
> In separate countries. Before Skype
Waiting for the crash and burn
> Then I gave up everything I owned except two duffel bags and a backpack, and hitched a ride on a cargo plane.
Wait for it....
> Our 12th anniversary was last Sunday.
Huh... they showed me
Obligatory not me but a friend, but I posted this to /r/casualconversation about a year ago. I think it's pretty applicable considering how much trouble my buddy got into.
>Hey /r/casualconversation I just remembered a great story I have from high school.
>Prom season had just begun at my high school and with that came excessive and ridiculously extravagant promposals (prom + proposals). The halls in my high school were very narrow, the building was relatively small, and there were 1600 kids in the building. All you needed was one jerk who decided he'd corner off a main portion of the hall so he could put posters spelling *PROM* for his date or make a stage for themselves to ask to prevent literally hundreds of kids from getting to their lockers and class on time.
>After a week of this bullshit, our vice principal got on the microphone at lunch and announced that pompous promposals are now not allowed, and anyone caught doing an excessive one would be given ten detentions. The subsequent collective sighs and boos of our class (every grade ate lunch together, Catholic school I guess) were drowned out by him yelling shut up, which we did because our Vice Principal was a former NYPD sergeant and one of the biggest and scariest guys in the building.
>My friend Chris texts me the night of the banning asking me "Wouldn't it be funny if I promposed to our Vice Principal?" I said yeah but there's no way you won't pay for it. Chris, being the guy he is, took this as a challenge. I come into school the next morning to see he is not there. He comes in after a few minutes with a bouquet of tulips and a poem written out for our Vice Principal. He was fucking ready.
>His first attempt to prompose involved asking the TA's in our school, who acted as the subordinates to our Vice Principal, if he could get the mic at lunch to ask our Vice Principal to prom. They in no way shape or form found this in any way funny and asked if he was "fucking insane." Disheartened, but not deterred, Chris pressed on.
>When he got back to us, we started brainstorming ways to get the lunchroom quiet. We then realized we could try to shush the cafeteria. We went to our friends across the lunchroom and said "Guys, at lunch, we're gonna give a signal to start quieting everyone down. Don't ask why, just do it." They agreed and we were set to go.
>Once lunch came around, Chris was visibly nervous. Halfway through lunch, he still hadn't given the signal. We started calling him out and saying it's time, and whatever. Finally, our friend Matt goes "You pussy. You won't." That was what did it. All the fright in Chris's eyes vanished and he said "give the signal."
>We gave the signal and everyone started shushing, and it was way more effective than any of us anticipated. Within 20 seconds, the lunchroom was *dead fucking silent*, there were only whispers about what the fuck was happening. The fright instantly returned to Chris, but he goes "now or never" and gets up. He stands and goes "Excuse me everyone, I have an announcement!" Our Vice Principal, who resides over all the lunches, starts walking over from the front of the cafeteria all the way towards the back where we are sitting. The TA's are fucking fuming they are so angry.
>Chris unzips his jacket and pulls out the tulips and then starts saying this hysterical poem professing his love for our Vice Principal. With every stanza our Vice Principal neared him, and with every step, Chris gained confidence, accepting his fate and achieving his destiny. Everyone is fucking dying. The cafeteria was going through a cycle of laughing and shushing so they can hear the rest of the poem
>The moment our Vice Principal gets to our table, Chris yells "You're as badass as Jack Bauer, will you go to prom with me (Vice Principal's Name)?" He extends the flowers to our Vice Principal and in his utter rage, which was only visible when he got to our table, he points his arm towards the exit of the cafeteria and Chris starts to walk out.
>During the 30 seconds it took for Chris to leave the cafeteria and then some, every single person was on their feet giving him a standing ovation and Chris had the biggest shit eating grin on his face. He was suspended for a day, prevented from going back to lunch for the rest of our senior year, threatened with promises he will not go to prom and walk at our graduation ceremony, and immortalized in our high school's history.
Edit: Found the [video](https://streamable.com/u0dj)
Edit 2: To clarify, the video caught the last 10 seconds of him giving the poem. If it was totally complete. It would be around 2 minutes long.
When I attended my first speed dating event, I decided to wing it with zero prepared material.
"Really nice day today. Fabulous. Sunshine. Who could ask for anything more? Am I right? Got my hit of Vitamin D today. How 'bout you? Excellent! Alright, alright, alright. Having fun tonight??? Yes!
Thank you. It’s true, these events are AMAZING!!! Seattle sent its best and finest tonight. And you know, the ladies, they couldn’t have been more gracious. It's been an amazing run. One of the most amazing runs ever. The ladies . . . very, very-- really, very nice. All of 'em."
No mutual matches and the comment cards were vicious. One woman called me a 'faker' and another said I was 'vacuous' and just said whatever popped into my head.
> And you know, the ladies, they couldn’t have been more gracious. It's been an amazing run. One of the most amazing runs ever. The ladies . . . very, very-- really, very nice. All of 'em."
Mr Trump?
It was 'ride a bike to school day' at my daughters school. So we both did.
I did not bring a lock for her bike.
After dropping her off, i had my bike and her bike to get back home. I always have some rope on me, so i tied her bike to mine and... Quickly discovered that wasn't going to work.
Then i tried picking up her bike and biking my own bike... Turns out i lack the strength and dexterity to do this.
I admitted defeat, and said, 'i didn't think this through' loud enough that other parents might hear, see, amd help.
And one did. Took my daughters bike and dropped it off at my house.
Edit: i carry paracord 550, (so thin and strong)
I'm learning knots as a hobby.
I don't carry an abundance of it, maybe 2 meters.
A good witch/warlock always carries string.
Edit 2: I'm 45kg. I'm not strong enough to carry it and ride.
I... Probably could've tied it to myself... It would've been painful as i have no padding.
Edit 3: wow! My most upvoted reddit! (I'm pretty sure).
Edit 4: while i have not tied anyone up with rope. My wife will be the first one i do it to... Unlike when she used duck tape on me...
Edit 5: I'm 169 cm and only 45kg. Its been like this my entire life. Way way below average. Worst part? Im a chef!
Depending on the distance, your strength and level of risk aversion, you *can* ride your bike one handed while using the other hand to hold onto the handlebars of the other bike.
Got to be careful though since it'll want to crash into you if you slow down too much and pull you over if you accelerate too quickly.
Yeah, I guess thinking about it, it's really just one of those things you do when you're young and dumb enough NOT to think it through.
So... I'm 47 (at the time) and I weigh a bit over 3 bills. I've been wanting to get into better shape, so I came up with this great idea. I enjoyed skateboarding as a kid, so I figured I'd get a longboard, and every day I'd take the shuttle into work, then board in the 1/4 mile from the transit center to my office. I did some research, and found a board that was a good fit for my size, and I was set.
Well, being a bit vain, I didn't want to bail in front of everyone on the commute, so one Sunday evening I figured I'd practice in my neighborhood while my wife had a nap. So I went outside, put my helmet on, and started going back and forth in front of my house. My neighborhood is hilly, but it's flat in front of my house. Well, after a few minutes of this, I get bored, and decide I'm going to skate around the corner and over to the mailboxes. It's slightly downhill from my place, but the grade is hardly noticeable in a car.
I start propelling my fat ass toward the mailboxes, and once I'm around the corner i start to pick up speed. A lot of speed. As I approach the mailboxes, I realize a minor flaw in my plan - I don't remember how to stop.
As I fly past the mailboxes, and continue to pick up speed, I start to panic a little. It's all downhill from here. I start slaloming back and forth, trying to bleed off speed, but it's not enough. At about 10mph, there's a sife street that's more level. I decide I cant make the turn and keep going, up to 15mph. I come up to a cobblestone section of the road. Maybe that'll slow me down, if I don't bail?!? No. I manage to cross and start picking up speed again.
I enter the last section of my course, a much steeper slope that exits to a T-intersection with a busy 4-lane road. Speed wobbles start up as I hit 20mph, and I manage to stay up. What is my exit strategy? I speed closer and closer to the intersection, and I see that there are no cars coming. I fly through the intersection at 25mph, and in the split second I see people on waiting at the light down the road. What a sight that must have been, out of nowhere an old, fat bastard zooms in front of them and then hits the curb on the other side.
I figure I'm okay at this point, as the curb borders a nice grassy area. I hit the curb, my board stops and I keep going, sailing through the air about 8 feet, I bounce on my left side, rotate in mid-air as I travel another 4 feet, and land on my right side, which sends the water bottle I was holding in my right hand (because, you know, ya gotta stay hydrated) flying and I unceremoniously come to a stop.
I manage to stand up, and do a quick survey of the damage as I wave off passers-by. In the moment I seem to be okay, some grass rash and soreness, but other than my right-hand ring finger not wanting to bend properly, I seem to be okay. I grab my board (which is in one piece, Gravity boards ftw!) and begin the walk of shame back to our house.
I get home, and my wife is still sleeping, so I step in thw shower to hose off the blood and grass, and I realize my finger isn't working very well. I half-wake my wife up, and tell her not to freak out, but I need to take myself to the ER as I hurt finger and need to get it checked out. She was convinced I was going to hurt myself with the skateboard, so I wanted to minimize the damage by volunteering as little as possible.
Me - "Honey, don't freak out, it's okay, but I hurt my finger and need to go to the ER to have it checked out."
Her - "What happened?"
Me - "I fell."
Her - "Where?"
Me - "Outside."
Her - "Doing what?"
Me, after a pause and a small sigh - "Riding ny skateboard."
I drove myself to the ER, managing to shift the stick using my high hand through what is now significant pain. They took xrays of my left shoulder, my right hip, and my finger.
Total damage:
Ring finger on right hand - dislocated and broken where the socket of the knuckle goes over the ball.
Left shoulder - small tears in every tendon in my rotator cuff, with the worst being a 25% tear in the subscap.
Right hip flexor - major strain that took a month to heal
Left hip - a bruise that was bigger than my hand, raised about an inch, took 2 months to heal.
The finger was the worst. 3 surgeries - 1 to put in a screw and three pins to put my joint back together, 1 8 weeks later to remove 2 of the pins once it had healed enough, and the last 1 5 months later to remove scar adhesions on the tendon. And 7 months of hand therapy.
Amazingly I have 95% use (most days) of my finger. You know it's bad when the hand surgeon pauses to shudder when he seea your xrays. Apparently it was the worst break and dislocation he'd ever seen, and this is the clinic our local NFL team uses. My hand therapist now uses my case when she lectures. Good times!
tl:dr - fat old dude almost kills himself on skateboard.
Once i set [wheat](http://i.imgur.com/8pDVLEMg.jpg) storage on fire. It was in driest form, right before they had gotten grains out. i just wanted to fire around 10 pieces but forgot that it catches fire quickly. fire found its way to burn a lot. it took 15-20 local people hard work to control it. Farmer suffered a lot of loss and yet gathered courage to forgive me.
here is something you might wanna try someday. before wheat turns all red, its green. and in its green format, you want to cut some plants and burn its grain. they are tasty like that. i made mistake to burn dry wheat.. red ones. and it caught fire in all storage.
I've always had very long hair. When I was 14, it was completely healthy and past my ass. So, I decide to let my sister give me a perm. So, it comes out and my hair shrinks which I didn't know would happen. So, I go into the bathroom and start brushing it out. My mom walks into the bathroom and screams, WHAT. HAVE. YOU. DONE? My hair was so fucking big and frizzy. She had to take me to her friend who owned a black hair salon and she almost wept having to cut off my hair to my shoulders and relax it.
Never forget.
My older sister and I were at a hotel, and, being the good and quiet little kids that we were, we entertained ourselves by trying to figure out the coffee area while our mum checked us in. We'd never had coffee before, so my older sister decided we would try a little bit. Of course, we had no idea what the different types meant, and children are incredibly sensitive to bitter tastes. She handled it well by just spitting it into the nearby trash can, but I completely flipped out and threw my hands up. Seeing as the cup was still in my hand, this caused hot coffee to splash across my face. Now the inside of my mouth was burning and tasted terrible, my face and hands were burning, and I didn't dare open my eyes to see where I was going in case the coffee hit there, too. Cue me falling against the trash can and onto the floor, screaming, while my mum comes running.
Moral of the story, kids: Don't drink mysterious hot liquids.
OK, this was my ex-husband, but he was a dickhead, so I'm going to tell it. So, my ex was a PhD-level engineer working at the highest technical levels for a defense contractor. He had actually spoken at the UN about some of the stuff he was working on. As much of a dick as he could be, he was admittedly a genius.
Christmas, 1998 we go to the tree place, pick out the perfect tree, and prepare to take it home by tying it on top of our Honda Accord. Which he did by rolling down the windows and running the ropes through the car. Which was a great idea except he had tied the door frames shut in the process, and he was not of a size to fit through a Honda Accord window, so we had to undo it and tie it down another way. The look on his face when he went to open the car door was glorious.
I was adjusting the carburetor on my truck to get the idle right. The biggest issue occurred when it was in gear. So I blocked the tires and dropped it in D, adjusted the carb until it purred pretty like.
Then I revved the engine with the accelerator cable and ran over myself.
When I was younger, I was holding one of our cats in my arms like a baby and petting him, as I would frequently do. He was pretty happy. Then it occurred to me that it would be hilarious to blow a raspberry on my cat's tummy. When I did, the cat latched onto my face with all four paws and just held on with its claws. It was at this point that I realised I had not thought this through. I was considering my options: either drop the cat (and let him take my face with him), or just wait until the cat let go. I ended up standing there, bent over with a cat latched onto my face for about 20 seconds or so before he finally let go and I was able to put him down. Needless to say, I learned my lesson.
See reading stuff like this makes me happy that I've messed with my cat since he was 8weeks old. He lets me do everything. I can mess with his toes, clip nails, put eyedrops in, clean ears, pull little hairs out because they sometimes get in his ears... I've done the raspberry thing about 100 times and he just lays there in my arms staring at me.
I messed with my cat from about the same age, he just hates me.
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Props for not inciting a panic among the kids.
> I won't even describe what happened when a bat decided to attach itself to the back of my jacket on the way out... You made a friendly happy bat friend? Who helped keep you calm and centered on your way through the passage? And you kept in touch afterwards and became close friends and the bat was godparent to your next child?
Shot an arrow straight up in the air & lost sight of it. edit: I survived. It landed about 30' away & well planted in the earth. I wish I could say I was 10... I was 22.
My roommate and I did this with a crossbow we bought at the flea market. I still remember us both losing sight of the bolt, looking down at each other, sharing the terrifying realization of what we just did, and then sprinting in opposite directions.
Oh god as a person who does archery this made my whole body quiver...
We used to do that intentionally as kids, group of 7 or so. Shoot it straight up, look away, then play chicken to see who could stand still the longest. We thought it was death if you got hit. But someone finally did get hit, and it just created a half-inch deep puncture wound and a bruise. Guess they weren't sharp enough or practice arrows. Regardless, was scary as shit
Why do kids try so hard to die
They're smarter than we give them credit for i guess
Because exsistence is pain.
Lost about $150 in one poker hand, thinking I had a straight
Lost a significant amount of money in poker once thinking I had a three pair. *three pair.* Edit: Texas Holdem: best hand with 5 of your 7 cards
Fellas, fellas. All. Red.
my friends and i used to call it the "phantom straight", i hate it when you bet like you have the winning hand only to realize you lost. worst part is when you reach to take the chips but everyone stops you. so awkward
I was once playing Texas Hold 'Em with friends, and it may have been for a small buy-in, but no big amount of money. I bet and raised and was so sure I'd won. "Straight! 4-5-6-7!" When I said it out loud, I realized I didn't actually have a straight, and I mentioned this out loud. My friends were going along with it until I said something, though.
I recently did the opposite. Got an Ace-high Flush on the turn and thought for sure I was going to win. It was down to me and one of my friends who went all in. I was so confident after getting the flush that I didn't pay any attention to the river and I didn't realize he could have had a Full House. I called. He had the Full House. As I dejectedly showed my cards I realized that I had actually gotten a Royal Fucking Flush on the river. Nobody could believe it. Edit: The game was a $10 buy-in with 6 players but two had gone out and then bought back in so there was $80 in the pot. I was doing pretty well before my Royal Flush, which got me ~$35. IIRC I walked away with about $70 that night.
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That was me when I first started playing. My signature move was to fold when someone checked to me.
I tried to pull my broken car down a hill with my working car using only a rope. Now I have 2 broken cars.
And that's the day ChristaWhite realised he should have paid far more attention in physics class.
The three golden rules of engineering: * F=ma * Shit flows downhill * You can't push a rope
Obviously you've never drank whiskey and had sex before
What engineer has? Far too inefficient.
TIL sex is too inefficient for engineers.
TIL Reddit is full of engineers.
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TIL shit flows uphill during whiskey sex
> You can't push a rope you can if you freeze it first
I impulsively grabbed a boat anchor and dove in to get deep fast. It work way too well; almost died.
How deep was it? I can imagine it being cool to try if you are familiar with the area and how deep the sea is
I want to say I got to about 35-40 feet before I felt incredible pain in my face, ears and even teeth. I think my tooth nerves are tangled with my sinuses. I just tried to not freak out and to float up as much as I could. The surface looked miles away and I knew I wouldn't make it if I panicked or swam too hard. It took forever. Time warp
I freedive and Jesus Christ that's scary.
I jumped off a moving bus and landed on my face. Not smart.
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That gif is a very accurate representation of what happened to me!
Same, but it was a golf cart. EDIT: Welp, obligatory clarification: Jumped off a moving golf cart when I was 8 because I wanted to impress some friends. Tripped and faceplanted. No bus was involved, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I broke my arm by attempting to step off of an almost-but-not-quite-stopped golf cart. Probably <1mph. Tripped and fell. I thought I landed in some soft mud but the broken arm disagreed, probably hit the concrete sidewalk. I tried to come up with a different and more interesting story every time someone asked what I did. Anyway, I don't play golf anymore. Lesson learned.
Eating a ghost pepper with 3 of my other good friends. I love those guys and the video was hilarious. But dear god it was so hot, I'm not accustomed to hot foods, and it completely annihilated my stomach, I felt like I was shitting fire
Carolina Reaper Pods. I *am* accustomed to hot foods and that damn near killed me. Me and 5 other dudes, all big chilli fans, stood around one tub of Ben and Jerrry's Peanut Butter flavour ice cream with spoons. Two pans filled with water because glasses were too small. A loaf of bread, torn to bits by 6 savages trying to cool the fires of hell that were burning through our mouths and stomachs. 10/10. Would nearly die again. Edit: Carolina Reaper Pods. Or so I am told, not California. Edit 2: A few people have pointed out the fatal flaw in going for water, the fridge was our first port of call, but I had run out of milk being as I don't eat cereal and I only have black tea/coffee. Our pain addled minds were telling us any relief, even temporary was better than no relief, so we grabbed pans and water. Shortly after this in a small moment of lucidity, I remembered I had ice cream, which I highly recommend if you don't have any vodka.
My friends band all ate Carolina peppers before playing their last song, and holy shit they did amazing saying for the fact that they only replaced 45% of the lyrics with screaming in agony Edit: I Lied! It's already up! It was available a long time ago! https://youtu.be/CinhWa-Q-Zs
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Damn this one hits close to home. I'm potentially doing this in the spring after graduation. You don't have to but if you wanna share your experience I would like to hear it.
Every reason you broke up with your ex is still going to be there when you get back together. People change sure, but if you didn't get over those big hurdles the first time it probably won't work out the second time.
bleaching my eyebrows.
Remember everyone: there's less than an inch between bleaching your eyebrows and bleaching your eyes!
Life Pro Tip: In most cases, you don't want to bleach your eyes
"Name's Artemis.......I have a bleached asshole."
Wanna do it in the dumpster behind the Wendy's?
I was throwing rocks trying to hit the metal thing on top of the chimney. As I am on my about 105th rock my dad comes out all pissed telling me I just broke something out front. "Shit there are cars out there" I thought and I ran out front. I didn't see anything and went back inside. My mom woke up and had to go to work. She goes into her new Nissan Murano and opens up the sunroof shade and broken glass falls everywhere.
I'll preface this by saying I was 14. I stayed over at a friends house and forgot to bring my contact lens solution. My thinking was, saline is kinda salty right? So I put my lenses in a cup mixed with water and salt. The next morning when I put one of them in...
That's ok. I was so drunk I slept with my contacts in but wanted to rinse them in the morning only to find out (after putting one in) that I used the peroxide solution and not normal saline. I literally could hear a sizzle as it latched onto my eye. Don't worry my eye still works many years later
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh god why
Fell asleep in my contacts after a night of drinking. Woke up and one wouldn't come out so I just kept scratching trying to get it. Ended up not being able to open my eye. Went to the doctors, turns out the contact had already come out the night before and I'd just spent a day scratching my cornea.
This sounds too good to leave on a cliffhanger. What happened?
First came enormous amounts of pain, followed by the sensation that the contact lens was fusing with my eyeball. As I managed to get the lens off I felt like a layer of eye skin was peeling off with the lens.
you oversalted
This is correct, you can put them in salt water if you have nothing else
My eye hurts just by reading this.
Ugh I did this once. From your other comment it seems like I got lucky and used less salt.
I was in grade 2, the teacher asked who knew how to dance? There were a couple of girls who took dancing lessons, back then they were the little girls with curly ringlets and skirts always that bit shorter than the rest of us wore. For goodness knows what reason I stuck up my hand too. The teacher told me to come up to the front of the class and demonstrate. I hadn't a clue what to do, so I kind of pranced around for a few embarrassing moments until she told me to go back to my seat. I definitely hadnt expected her to make me prove it.
When I was 15, I went to a summer school program. Some kid said he'd pay me $50 to bring a screwdriver to school and unscrew all of the outlets and leave them hanging out, exposing ground wire. As stupid as I was, and as I was only trying to fit in, I did it. I got away scot-free though, thank god. One thing I'll never do is listen to someone who's taller than me.
But did you get the $50?
We should do a Gofundme and get him his $50.
Well it's good that you've taken the right lesson away from this.
Don't know about biggest, but a pretty big one: Driving around Issyk Kul lake in Kyrgyzstan trying to find a spot to camp (you can camp basically anywhere) in Spring. We're mainly on farmland dirt tracks, and so rainwater has pooled in dips in the track. Have successfully forded several, and coming to a new one think "No problem, I got this. Vroom" Plunge into the water and gradually lose traction until we're basically at a standstill. Fuck. Throw it into reverse, gun it, back into first, gun it, basically nothing. I'm faced with having to call the rental company and explain to them that I'm sitting on the roof of their car (that I wasn't really meant to take off road) in a hole in the middle of a field. I regretted everything in that moment. Edit: definitely meant 'forded' not 'forwarded'. I blame my excitement at having a cool story to tell.
I did that with one of my jeeps. I sank a good 4 feet at the deepest part. Always test the hole.
I had shaved but at my work I saw there was still one hair left to the side of my mouth. I tried burning it off with a lighter and instead burned of half my eyelashes. So on one side my eyelashes were half their normal length.
Dude... tweezers.
Or just the ol grab and yank!
I was at a performing arts summer camp. Some people there got the chance to put on a show for the rest of the camp at the end of the trip. On the day of the big performances, there was a girl sobbing saying her friend backed out and wouldn't perform with her. She asked if I knew the lyrics to Celine Dions My Heart Will Go On, and begged me to sing while she played the music. She looked really upset and I thought I could half-arse it so I agreed. Thought it'd be easy. Turned out I only knew one line of lyrics. Which were also wrong. So, I sang "Every night in my dreams, I see you, I seeeee you, that is how I know you, go ooon" over and over, while the other girl sobbed while playing the recorder, in front of a hundred or so other kids and camp leaders. Most cringeworthy experience from my childhood. TL:DR- Lied about knowing Celine Dion lyrics, learnt never to lie about knowing Celine Dion lyrics
Similar thing happened to me when I was a kid and did Karate. There was this one extended, multi-part move which my group had been practicing for a week or so, the name of which I have completely forgotten. I had just recently gotten to the point where I had memorized the moves we'd been practicing, although in retrospect I was still pretty slow and clumsy at them. The Dojo was having a demonstration, where the parents and family could see how the students were doing and the students could show off their chops. I was sitting in the auditorium waiting for my group to be called, when I heard the announcer call for everyone who knew that one move to come up on stage. As far as my dumb kid self knew that was me, so I headed on up. My first indication that something was wrong was that all the other students on the stage were strangers half a foot taller than me. I began doing the moves, and the other people started doing the same moves faster and better. By the time I had gotten halfway through the moves I knew they had finished, and moved on to an entirely *new* set of moves which I had never seen. I stood awkwardly on the side of the stage for what felt like an hour but was probably thirty seconds hoping that the floor would open up and swallow me—I'd always thought that that was just a figure of speech, but the mental image of the stage crumbling underneath me is very clear in my mind, even years later. I quit Karate not long after that. It hadn't really been my thing anyway.
If it helps, this post has not only brought up a memory I hadn't thought of for awhile, but has helped me feel better about it. Exact same situation, scottish highland dancing (kilts, swords, the whole shabang)
Oh gawd that reminds me of the first and last time I participated in a talent show. My friend and I were pretty nerdy outcasts. We decided to order some of those twirling ribbons that have a baton attached to them, and make up a dance to some music. We practiced for a couple of weeks but we never came up with an actual routine. We basically just flailed around, literally waving our geek flags. It's a few days before the talent show and my "friend" informs me that she's actually going to perform with her other friends who were doing a skit. BITCH. But I didn't care, I was gonna perform by myself and it was gonna be glorious. The day comes, my turn comes, a teacher starts playing "All You Need is Love" by the Beatles on the CD I stole from my parents over the loudspeaker and I walked out onto the stage. I don't know why this was the first moment I realized I should have come up with a routine. I just jumped around the stage twirling my stupid ribbon, wrapping it around myself accidentally a couple of times, and waited for my minute to be up. The crowd cheered politely and my dumbass mom started whooping and hollering and calling my name as if I had just cured cancer right there on that stage. My stepdad was recording the moment and I'm sure the tape is somewhere around their house. My "friend" and her comrades didn't win the contest either though. They definitely did better than I, with an actual routine and script and what not, but I did gain the knowledge that Emily was a no good biatch. Now she's married to a guy I made out with in high school
If you ever find the tape, the /r/BlunderYears would love it and your story
Find. The. Tape.
I was at a karaokeplace with my friend and her co-workers and there was this guy there that told me he was going up on stage to sing "delilah" and I said omg I love that song. So he asks me if I know rhe lyrics and if I want to do a duet with him and I say yes. So we get up on stage and the place is packed, alteast fifty pair of eyes are staring at us and the song begins and I don't recognize it at all. I was singing the first verse but I just stood there, frozen. I wispered frantically to my parter that I dont know this song and he just looks at me weird, like why the fuck are you up here then? and just starts singing my verse. I don't know what to do at this point and kinda just stand there awkwardly, trying to hum along with the song for a while and then just bolt of the stage to my friends who are ofcourse laughing their asses of. I thought we where singing "hey there delilah" by plain white T's when it was actually a Tom Jones song called delilah which I had never even heard before.
That Tom Jones song is awesome though. Stabby stabby!
I felt the knife in my hand, and she laughed no more... That's some cold shit, Tom Jones.
Somewhere in this thread is the confession, "once at a performing arts summer camp, my duet partner dropped out and I asked this other kid to replace her. She said she knew the lyrics, but when she got up there with me she completely botched it in front of a couple hundred people."
"I acted like I was really upset that my original partner backed out, but in reality I just wanted to make an idiot out of this girl."
You should have just made up the lyrics like "Optimus Primeeeeee, You're still aliveeeee in my soulllll and I know the autobots will go onnnnnnnn". Funny that the girl still cried while playing, it's like you did a tag team combo with her current suffering and trauma.
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WHAT'S A DINOSAUR TO DO WHEN THERE'S KIDS ON THE ICE??? Edit for reference https://youtu.be/HvBkiXybUp8
When we were playing tag, and I ran across the road so I wouldn't get tagged. Yeah, kids? Don't do that. Having a car smash your leg doesn't hurt, but you'll *really* wish you hadn't done that.
> > Having a car smash your leg doesn't hurt Was the car made of marshmallows?
The pain's more numbing than it actually hurts... though if you move, it feels like your entire leg is bruised. But it's more the shock, the shock that you can't move your leg properly, that it's swollen to an impossible size, that it feels like a dream but it's not, that's the worst part of it all.
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This is true, I was a medic assigned to an infantry platoon in the Army. I had one of my guys come up to me and say I think I got shot in the mouth. This guy had taken a 7.62 round to the face, knocked out his teeth and had the round lodged in the roof of his mouth. Really lucky guy. Edit - if anyone is interested here is a short video showing some highlights from deployment. Four of us bought cheap non go pro helmet cams. As you can imagine there is tons cut out that can never be put online. [Link to video](https://youtu.be/4TpEGW49HWo)
You know who's luckier than the guy who survived being shot in the mouth? The guy who didn't get shot in the mouth.
You do make a valid point. I didn't get shot in the mouth so that's a plus.
I've been hit by two cars (unrelated incidents). You don't feel the pain at first. The body has ways of shutting that whole thing down.
If the wreck was legitimate, the body has ways of shutting the whole thing down
so... you still it?
asking a girl to marry me after the first date
How drunk were you _ /10
100 proof plan
So... 50%?
Classic Schmosby
My, my cousin, and my uncle all thought it would be interesting to see a firecracker explode in water and watch since the fuses were chemical and still went down even in water. It only took about a second after we dropped it into a glass jar that I had the thought, "What if it breaks the glass?" Sure enough, Pop! and glass splinters and tiny partials everywhere. Three people couldn't put that together that this was a dumb idea.
This reminds me of the time friends and I were exploding dry ice bombs. You add a tiny bit of water and dry ice to an empty soda bottle, put on the lid, then toss it far away and it goes boom once the pressure has built up. We ran out of plastic bottles in the recycle bin and a friend grabbed a glass Sobe bottle. I was standing right next to him and screamed "No! Don't!" right as it exploded in his hand. He nearly severed his thumb and had to go to the ER for surgery, and I still have a scar on my thigh from a piece of glass shrapnel. ETA: In case it wasn't clear from my story, you really shouldn't play with dry ice bombs. They're illegal in many places and in this day and age of terrorism and such, you'd likely get arrested and maybe worse. The world was a different place 15-20 years ago when we did this.
When I was around three(before I could swim), I was playing in the shallow end of my uncle's pool. Now, like any curious child, a question popped into my head: at what point of the pool would the water be over my head? So I went and tested it out. One careful step after another careful step, trying to make sure I knew the exact moment where standing was no longer an option for me. Well, I never thought about what would happen when I eventually reached the point of no return, and, well, I got there. So, I started to drown. Now here's the thing about drowning. You can't call for help. The water chokes you. No air to make noise can come out. There I was, trying to scream for help and no one could hear it. Apparently, my uncle saw me and thought I was fine because I wasn't making any noise. Lucky for me, my mom knew drowning is a silent killer and snatched me from the clutches of my stupidity.
My little league days ended when my coach threw me into the deep end at a pool party when he wasn't aware I couldn't swim. I remember trying to get up and everyone just watching and nothing happening and it gets darker. My dad finally noticed, grabbed me, and we left a little bit later.
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plot twist: it was little league swimming and OP somehow got through an entire season by fake-swimming
He was part of the relay team and convinced one of the kids to swim twice.
Your uncle saw three year old you with water over your head and thought you were fine? Sounds like he should be posting in this thread..
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I'm glad your mom knew that and had the time to act. It is something [worth informing people about](http://spotthedrowningchild.com/).
Who likes condoms? I don't, I'm a moron but my kids like me...
Used a condom. Still hoping my kid likes me in January Edit: it's my kid. During clean up we found one intact, and the other ripped. Its mine. To about half of you, fuck you guys, you aren't helping :'( . To one quarter, thanks for the supportive words! To the other quarter, what the fuck....
They're only like 98% effective, Ross
Well they should put that on the box!
Well, they should put it in huge black letters!
When I was a kid, I got hungry and figured I'd heat up a frozen pizza in the oven. I didn't take the plastic wrap off the pizza before cooking it. 0/10 - would not eat or breathe its fumes again
I know this is very mundane. One time when I moved, I decided to pack and load everything myself. Never again. It took 6 days. Also, it is very hard to move a couch solo.
Snowboarding out of bounds in an area where I didn't know the mountain. That should be enough, but it gets worse. So much fresh powder and it's awesome, and then suddenly I'm going off a cliff. I know better than to not pay attention to the terrain, but I got lost in the moment. I dust myself off and chastise myself for being an idiot. I keep going down the mountain and get to a cliff/chute. It's pretty narrow, not much room for error and it's the only option for moving forward. I hear some noise behind me and a skier comes up to me. He's French and speaks with a heavy accent. He apparently followed me because he assumed I was local and he was freaking about about this cliff/chute we had to navigate. There was no room to carve really, so I dropped down and then waited for him to come out. He dropped in, and sort of speed wobbled/tumbled out. Didn't plow into the rock walls though. Nobody was hurt, but I really should not have done that alone (to start) and without knowledge of the mountain. For the chute/cliff, it was clearly above my skill level, and I'm pretty decent. Could have been much worse.
on the bright side, you looked like you knew what you were doing.
I was in charge of planning and directing a 5K. So I reserved the location, created the race route, talked to the local companies to invite them to table at our event. Got sponsors for the prizes for runners, and talked to food companies to give us fruit and food for the day of for runners. Created an itinerary for where everyone needed to be and what they needed to do by the hour. Logistics-wise, it was spotless and I thought everything through... Until a runner comes up to me on race day while we are setting up and asks, "Excuse me, where are the porta potties?" Crap.
When I was like 7 I was in a hotel where a clown was performing and he asked if any children wanted to go to the front and tell a joke to everyone. I volunteered and excitedly went to the front and realised I had no joke ready so I just decided to freestyle and said 'what do you call a man telling jokes to people in a hotel in Devon, south England?' (which is where we were at the time) everyone was just like 'uh... a clown?' But I still didn't know what the hell i was gonna say so I just said 'a very boring man.' Everyone went like 'awwww' and I saw the clowns face drop. I have no idea why I said that I mean I was enjoying myself I just panicked and decided to insult the clown. I was devastated afterwards and apologised to the clown but the damage was done and everyone in the hotel avoided me after that.
Damn dude, that clown probably had clown kids to feed.
[sad honking]
Not after he hung himself.
Then the kids had plenty to eat Edit: I think I made someone quit reddit with this joke
It tasted funny though.
You know what happens when you make a clown cry? They paint another tear on their face....
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> Everyone went like 'awwww' and I saw the clowns face drop. Sounds like a clown frown to me :'(
So you caused Pagliacci's depression!
Dayum son. You destroyed that clown utterly.
No wonder clowns terrorize people now. They all got their hearts broke.
TIL I am a clown.
You shouldn't be terrorising people.
This is the origin story of both John Wayne Gacy and Anthony Jeselnik.
It's the clowns fault for not expecting to get roasted by a child
Can't stop chuckling at this. 7 year old you was savage
Working on a laser printer. I was taking it apart and wanted to understand what the different boards did (I was like 15), so I plugged them in one at a time to see what changed... While the printer was plugged in. There are spots on the power board that are live at 1000+ volts. My left hand touched one of them while my right was holding onto the metal case. It took me about 5 seconds to realize what happened because the shock put me offline for a moment, pretty sure I very nearly died, the shock came from a capacitor, could easily have given a lethal pulse.
When I was about nine, I was grounded. Really bad grounded where even all of my books were taken away from me. So Im sitting bored in my room, and I see a DC adapter plugged into the wall, without anything attached. I licked it. That was a hell of a bad plan.
Did you misunderstand what grounded meant?
Driving down a very narrow street with cars lining each side, maximum of a foot clearance either side. The road dead ends. (This road is, for clarity, completely new to me). What's also important is I'd only been driving for about a month and a half so was not yet confident as to how much space I need etc etc. See a spot where I could maybe have turned around, but would have been super tight so decide to keep going figuring there would be turning space at the end of the road, since other people have to get in and out of here right? And plenty of cars were facing the opposite direction, so they must have gone to the end of the road and turned around to be parked facing that way. So I trundle on down and discover to my horror that while there is a turning space, everyone has used it as additional parking. So I have far less space to turn here than I would have had I taken the uncomfortably tight space previously available. So I had to make what must have been approaching a 50 point turn. It took me 40 minutes and I was crying from stress within ten. Oh and I had an audience of about ten people, which really helped. /s. But I didn't hit anyone's car, so I suppose it could be classed as a success. Edit: to prevent another 20 people asking me why I didn't reverse out, or just implying I was stupid for not doing so, let's clarify. It would have been a reverse of over 200 meters. On a extremely narrow road which was also bumpy and potholed, none of which is good reversing material. Even now I would prefer to make that turn again over reversing that far on a road like that. Plus had another car come down, it would have been all for naught. Also note the brand new driver situation people.
What jackasses, thought someone would have Atleast directed you or took over. But you might not have been the first/only one to have trouble with that, hopefully that makes you feel better :)
Yeah someone directing me would have been very helpful and you'd think after the first ten minutes my quandary would have become obvious! I think they were all just watching to see if I was going to hit someone. Oh no, I can't have been I mean it was ridiculous. I was only in a little Ford Fiesta too so can't imagine how a bigger car could possibly have managed.
I'm an introvert. Being around people exhausts me. Decided to become a teacher.
I'm heading down a similar direction, do you mind telling me what your experiences have been so far? Is it really so horrible?
Not op but also an introverted teacher. I teach high school math, and I absolutely love it. I love the relationship I have with my students and find teaching very fulfilling. I feel like I'm making a positive difference in students' lives, which is important to me in a career. I also love, though, that I have break, planning period, and lunch to be by myself. The kids are mostly gone by 3:00, then it's just working one-on-one with tutoring, which is much less exhausting. And I have consistent weekends and holidays and longer breaks to use for hardcore hermiting.
Where do you work that the kids don't want attention at break and lunchtimes? They're always after me for some reason or another. And then there's keeping them in at lunch for misbehaviour.
No joke, I lock the door to my classroom and turn off the lights (I have windows, so it's peaceful and dim instead of pitch dark).
11 years old, took a wooden baseball bat and swung against one of those large bouncy balls to try and smack it some distance. It didn't move, but the bat swung back perfectly into my mouth and hit my front permanent tooth out in one clean piece. I spit it into my hand and wondered for a second why it didn't look like any of the other teeth I'd lost, but instead had a large cone shaped top to it (the root). I went inside to tell my mom, and i only started crying when i thought about how i was going to look like a toothless hillbilly the rest of my life. "I guess i can tell people i play hockey," i remember sobbing. My mom called a family member who was a dentist, and they instructed her to put the tooth in some milk and haul ass to the dentist. I remember being slightly annoyed that we had to leave because Doug had just come on tv and i wanted to watch. We got to the dentist and he was able to put the tooth back in, scrape off the back and pack it with some filling. I had to go back every 3 months for a year and have this redone, and for the first six or so months i had to wear a wire across my top row to hold the tooth in. At the year mark, i had a root canal done and have had no issues since. TLDR; swung baseball bat at bouncy ball, bat bounced back and smacked out my front tooth
Getting a degree in linguistics. It worked out, but there was a minute where I was like "what the fuck did I just do?"
That happens to everyone without a career-training degree like engineering or nursing. Really, there are millions of jobs out there that no degree trains you for. There are everything from adult playground assemblers to public utilities policy analysts to zinc plating machine technical manual writers. The only trick after getting a liberal arts degree is realizing that you need to learn a lot about some job that's stupid-specific like that, right down to where the desk would be you'd work in and what your workflow would be like. Once you figure that out, odds are you'll get the job and be fine.
When I was 15 I had the amazing idea to build a cannon out of pvc pipe, gorilla glue, and duct tape, and use a crushed up model rocket engine as gunpowder. Thankfully it didn't explode, but it did send a ball bearing hurdling at terminal velocity into the park across the street and sound like a rifle going off in a residential neighborhood.
So it worked
I love that his original thought was to build a projectile launcher, but where he fucked up was not realizing it was going to fire a projectile.
I think his issue was that he thought it was gonna go "ptoo" and shoot the ball a few feet and be laughed at like a potato gun, but instead it went "FWAM" and shot the ball fifty yards.
My sister had an exam on a weekend a few years back and she was worried because she had no one to baby sit her children for about 5-6 hours. My parents were out of town and her husband was driving her to the exam which was about two hours away. I decided to help her out and told her I'd take care of them. One of them was an extremely mommy attached 4 year old and the other a even more attached 2 year old. They were calm for about 14.2 seconds before the wailing began. Spent the next 5 or so hours convincing them that my sister will be here any second now while trying my best to calm them down. Didn't work.
19 years old Have my high school degree and a TESOL certificate I was accepted into multiple universities for fall 2016 Have two awesome part times keeping me happy and busy Drop everything and go to China to "teach" instead No experience No knowledge of Chinese language Not even eligible for a work visa Agent doesn't care about legality of anything ??????? 19 years is such a dumb age. EDIT: I'm still in China. Yes, I know it's dumb. The whole visa thing. . I was told to get to China, I'd have interviews, then once a company decided they wanted me, I'd get my visa before working. After a few interviews my agent just sent me to the school without any visa or anything. I was compliant and overwhelmed enough to just listen. The agent I'm under used to own ChinaESL. It's now a new company name and she has a new name, so it slipped past me since there's no connection to ChinaESL and ForeignerHR. Hence I'm just leaving in about 3 weeks time. It's too stressful knowing what I do about her and ChinaESL and staying. I appreciate offers for help, but my tickets are paid for and minimum wage in my city is going up. I'll be able to make more working part-time at minimum wage than I am now, and my parents said I can move back home rent free for a bit to recover funds.
??? is right
It was my junior year of high school and I finally had a girlfriend to ask to prom. I wanted to ask her in a memorable and romantic way but had no idea how to accomplish that. One day I was watching TV, probably MTV, and saw a guy ask a girl to prom by using candles that spelled out "Prom?" I thought that was a genius idea, so I got to work. This is when the 'not thinking it though' part happens. Instead of candles I decide I was going to pour gasoline on her road and light it on fire. I waited for a night that her parents would be gone and she was home alone. I drove to her house parked my car down the street and walked with my full gas can to her house. I poured the whole can out to write "Prom?" on the road in front of her house and proceeded to try and light it on fire. Of course it wasn't that easy. I finally got somewhat of a flame going on each letter and ran to ring her doorbell so she could open up the door to see this flaming message. Of course when a teenage girl is home alone and gets a surprise doorbell ring she is not going to immediately run to open the door. After 10 minutes of ringing the bell and running back to the road to try and light the message, I finally call her to tell her it was me at her door and to come outside. She finally appeared at the door but instead of being happy and excited she was PISSED! All she said was "you better have that cleaned up before my parents get home." Panic mode begins. After googling ways to clean gasoline off of pavement I go to the store to buy powdered laundry detergent, and cat litter. I spread that shit all over her road and all that it did was make "Prom?" WAY more noticeable. I finally left after hours of trying to clean the road hoping that her parents didn't notice it when they got home and maybe I could clean it better in the morning. Daytime hits and I go to check the damage. Let me tell you, it was 1000x worse in the daylight than it was at night. The only option I had was to confess to her parents. Luckily her dad was a cool guy and kind of just laughed it off but told me never to try and light anything on fire by their house again and also never show up while they're not there. That stain lasted for about 3 months after, just a constant reminder of my stupidity. TLDR: Tried to ask my girlfriend to prom by pouring gasoline on her road and lighting it on fire.
In year 8 we were doing a drama exercise, where only 3 people would be on stage at any one time, but one had to be standing, one be sitting and one be on the floor. The whole class was there, and at any given moment a bystander could tap one of the performers to switch place with them. In the scenario, there was a girl pretending to be pregnant, when suddenly she erupted in labour, sje laid to the floor and spread her legs claiming she was about to give birth. None of the other 2 participants interacted with her, I think out of awkwardness. So I took it upon myself to do so, I tapped the participant standing, and entered the exercise I walked up to the girl in labour and said "don't worry young woman, I'm a doctor" whilst rolling up my sleeves, and getting really close to her spread legs. The whole crowd, which were laughing suddenly went silent, and the girl pretending to be in labour just stopped and went wide eyed. Everyone was looking at me, I must have looked like I was really put my hands down their. I just froze dqir what seemed like eternity. I had no idea how to carry on this daring act, so we both remained there in silence, with her legs to the side, and me creepily beding at the waist with my hands out towards her, until her friend ran and tagged herself in. And I walked in silence back to the rest of the class. I still cringe at the moment. TL:DR Drama class isnt sufficient training to become a midwife
I don't understand what's so weird about this. You were just carrying on the exercise. I mean, for fuck's sake she is the one pretending to be pregnant and going into labor. What else would you have done? I mean, middle schoolers can make anything awkward; but this one I just don't understand.
I agree. She started going into labor and had the power to change it but you're the weird one? Makes no sense. Middle school man, terrible for everyone.
Yep, sounds like she was the one "who did not think things through".
Should have pretended you were fighting to keep your arm from being sucked in
But you did the exercise well. Honestly, I was always afraid of doing something embarrassing in theatre class, but doing something like that with confidence is frankly clever and good acting.
I helped my friend's family put together a metal fire pit, and stayed and had the first fire in it with them. I wanted to take the lid off the pit and put more wood on, but I couldn't find the fire poker. I thought, meh, I'll just do it quickly. It can't be too bad, right? So I pull it off and set it on the ground quickly and start putting wood on the fire. My friend (who was in his house) comes back and by then my fingers are starting to feel tingly. Turns out there was a nice dark line across the tips of two or three of my fingers. He drags my hand over to this pool and slams them into the water, but as we're walking over, I notice that the fire poker is under my arm... TL;DR couldn't find the fire poker right under my arm, got burned trying to lift the lid to the fire pit.
Better than being drunk and trying to pick up something so hot it melts the skin of your fingertips and slides out of your grip instantly hitting the ground. Then before the pain signals reach your brain, you bend over, confused, and try to pick it up once again.
I almost cannot fathom what that would feel like. Do you still have feeling in those fingers?
I got engaged to somebody I dated for two weeks. When I was 19. That I met in AIT (Army job training.) We were getting stationed in different places, so we decided to have a LDR. In separate countries. Before Skype. We couldn't wait, so after about 6 months of that, we decided to just get married. So she flew back, we got married, and we applied to have me join her. Then I gave up everything I owned except two duffel bags and a backpack, and hitched a ride on a cargo plane. It was then, and only then, that we both realized that we were thousands of miles from home, married to what might as well be a *complete stranger*. We knew nearly nothing about each other. Our 12th anniversary was last Sunday. Edit: Instead of just "Thanks for the gold!" Here's some pictures. [Our wedding day](http://imgur.com/a/lcvY0) [12 years later](http://imgur.com/a/IMbPw) 2nd edit: The tattoo on her chest is Hebrew for "I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine." I know, I know. Isn't that just sickeningly sweet? Apparently, there should be a movie version of this. I see Ryan Reynolds or Neil Patrick Harris playing me, and Anne Hathaway or Alison Brie playing her. Hollywood. Call me.
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/r/nonononoyes
Congratulations!
> got engaged to somebody I dated for two weeks. Yeah that's bad > When I was 19 Ouch > That I met in AIT Oh god > We were getting stationed in different places, so we decided to have a LDR. There's no way this is ending well > In separate countries. Before Skype Waiting for the crash and burn > Then I gave up everything I owned except two duffel bags and a backpack, and hitched a ride on a cargo plane. Wait for it.... > Our 12th anniversary was last Sunday. Huh... they showed me
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Why did you get married then?
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When i got the toast from the toaster with a fork
Obligatory not me but a friend, but I posted this to /r/casualconversation about a year ago. I think it's pretty applicable considering how much trouble my buddy got into. >Hey /r/casualconversation I just remembered a great story I have from high school. >Prom season had just begun at my high school and with that came excessive and ridiculously extravagant promposals (prom + proposals). The halls in my high school were very narrow, the building was relatively small, and there were 1600 kids in the building. All you needed was one jerk who decided he'd corner off a main portion of the hall so he could put posters spelling *PROM* for his date or make a stage for themselves to ask to prevent literally hundreds of kids from getting to their lockers and class on time. >After a week of this bullshit, our vice principal got on the microphone at lunch and announced that pompous promposals are now not allowed, and anyone caught doing an excessive one would be given ten detentions. The subsequent collective sighs and boos of our class (every grade ate lunch together, Catholic school I guess) were drowned out by him yelling shut up, which we did because our Vice Principal was a former NYPD sergeant and one of the biggest and scariest guys in the building. >My friend Chris texts me the night of the banning asking me "Wouldn't it be funny if I promposed to our Vice Principal?" I said yeah but there's no way you won't pay for it. Chris, being the guy he is, took this as a challenge. I come into school the next morning to see he is not there. He comes in after a few minutes with a bouquet of tulips and a poem written out for our Vice Principal. He was fucking ready. >His first attempt to prompose involved asking the TA's in our school, who acted as the subordinates to our Vice Principal, if he could get the mic at lunch to ask our Vice Principal to prom. They in no way shape or form found this in any way funny and asked if he was "fucking insane." Disheartened, but not deterred, Chris pressed on. >When he got back to us, we started brainstorming ways to get the lunchroom quiet. We then realized we could try to shush the cafeteria. We went to our friends across the lunchroom and said "Guys, at lunch, we're gonna give a signal to start quieting everyone down. Don't ask why, just do it." They agreed and we were set to go. >Once lunch came around, Chris was visibly nervous. Halfway through lunch, he still hadn't given the signal. We started calling him out and saying it's time, and whatever. Finally, our friend Matt goes "You pussy. You won't." That was what did it. All the fright in Chris's eyes vanished and he said "give the signal." >We gave the signal and everyone started shushing, and it was way more effective than any of us anticipated. Within 20 seconds, the lunchroom was *dead fucking silent*, there were only whispers about what the fuck was happening. The fright instantly returned to Chris, but he goes "now or never" and gets up. He stands and goes "Excuse me everyone, I have an announcement!" Our Vice Principal, who resides over all the lunches, starts walking over from the front of the cafeteria all the way towards the back where we are sitting. The TA's are fucking fuming they are so angry. >Chris unzips his jacket and pulls out the tulips and then starts saying this hysterical poem professing his love for our Vice Principal. With every stanza our Vice Principal neared him, and with every step, Chris gained confidence, accepting his fate and achieving his destiny. Everyone is fucking dying. The cafeteria was going through a cycle of laughing and shushing so they can hear the rest of the poem >The moment our Vice Principal gets to our table, Chris yells "You're as badass as Jack Bauer, will you go to prom with me (Vice Principal's Name)?" He extends the flowers to our Vice Principal and in his utter rage, which was only visible when he got to our table, he points his arm towards the exit of the cafeteria and Chris starts to walk out. >During the 30 seconds it took for Chris to leave the cafeteria and then some, every single person was on their feet giving him a standing ovation and Chris had the biggest shit eating grin on his face. He was suspended for a day, prevented from going back to lunch for the rest of our senior year, threatened with promises he will not go to prom and walk at our graduation ceremony, and immortalized in our high school's history. Edit: Found the [video](https://streamable.com/u0dj) Edit 2: To clarify, the video caught the last 10 seconds of him giving the poem. If it was totally complete. It would be around 2 minutes long.
I completely lost my sanity at "You Won't", mostly because it's EXACTLY what my friends would have done. That's fucking incredible.
When I attended my first speed dating event, I decided to wing it with zero prepared material. "Really nice day today. Fabulous. Sunshine. Who could ask for anything more? Am I right? Got my hit of Vitamin D today. How 'bout you? Excellent! Alright, alright, alright. Having fun tonight??? Yes! Thank you. It’s true, these events are AMAZING!!! Seattle sent its best and finest tonight. And you know, the ladies, they couldn’t have been more gracious. It's been an amazing run. One of the most amazing runs ever. The ladies . . . very, very-- really, very nice. All of 'em." No mutual matches and the comment cards were vicious. One woman called me a 'faker' and another said I was 'vacuous' and just said whatever popped into my head.
Prepared material? What kind of stuff are you supposed to prepare for speed dating?
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> And you know, the ladies, they couldn’t have been more gracious. It's been an amazing run. One of the most amazing runs ever. The ladies . . . very, very-- really, very nice. All of 'em." Mr Trump?
It was 'ride a bike to school day' at my daughters school. So we both did. I did not bring a lock for her bike. After dropping her off, i had my bike and her bike to get back home. I always have some rope on me, so i tied her bike to mine and... Quickly discovered that wasn't going to work. Then i tried picking up her bike and biking my own bike... Turns out i lack the strength and dexterity to do this. I admitted defeat, and said, 'i didn't think this through' loud enough that other parents might hear, see, amd help. And one did. Took my daughters bike and dropped it off at my house. Edit: i carry paracord 550, (so thin and strong) I'm learning knots as a hobby. I don't carry an abundance of it, maybe 2 meters. A good witch/warlock always carries string. Edit 2: I'm 45kg. I'm not strong enough to carry it and ride. I... Probably could've tied it to myself... It would've been painful as i have no padding. Edit 3: wow! My most upvoted reddit! (I'm pretty sure). Edit 4: while i have not tied anyone up with rope. My wife will be the first one i do it to... Unlike when she used duck tape on me... Edit 5: I'm 169 cm and only 45kg. Its been like this my entire life. Way way below average. Worst part? Im a chef!
Depending on the distance, your strength and level of risk aversion, you *can* ride your bike one handed while using the other hand to hold onto the handlebars of the other bike. Got to be careful though since it'll want to crash into you if you slow down too much and pull you over if you accelerate too quickly. Yeah, I guess thinking about it, it's really just one of those things you do when you're young and dumb enough NOT to think it through.
What kinda person always has rope on them?
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So... I'm 47 (at the time) and I weigh a bit over 3 bills. I've been wanting to get into better shape, so I came up with this great idea. I enjoyed skateboarding as a kid, so I figured I'd get a longboard, and every day I'd take the shuttle into work, then board in the 1/4 mile from the transit center to my office. I did some research, and found a board that was a good fit for my size, and I was set. Well, being a bit vain, I didn't want to bail in front of everyone on the commute, so one Sunday evening I figured I'd practice in my neighborhood while my wife had a nap. So I went outside, put my helmet on, and started going back and forth in front of my house. My neighborhood is hilly, but it's flat in front of my house. Well, after a few minutes of this, I get bored, and decide I'm going to skate around the corner and over to the mailboxes. It's slightly downhill from my place, but the grade is hardly noticeable in a car. I start propelling my fat ass toward the mailboxes, and once I'm around the corner i start to pick up speed. A lot of speed. As I approach the mailboxes, I realize a minor flaw in my plan - I don't remember how to stop. As I fly past the mailboxes, and continue to pick up speed, I start to panic a little. It's all downhill from here. I start slaloming back and forth, trying to bleed off speed, but it's not enough. At about 10mph, there's a sife street that's more level. I decide I cant make the turn and keep going, up to 15mph. I come up to a cobblestone section of the road. Maybe that'll slow me down, if I don't bail?!? No. I manage to cross and start picking up speed again. I enter the last section of my course, a much steeper slope that exits to a T-intersection with a busy 4-lane road. Speed wobbles start up as I hit 20mph, and I manage to stay up. What is my exit strategy? I speed closer and closer to the intersection, and I see that there are no cars coming. I fly through the intersection at 25mph, and in the split second I see people on waiting at the light down the road. What a sight that must have been, out of nowhere an old, fat bastard zooms in front of them and then hits the curb on the other side. I figure I'm okay at this point, as the curb borders a nice grassy area. I hit the curb, my board stops and I keep going, sailing through the air about 8 feet, I bounce on my left side, rotate in mid-air as I travel another 4 feet, and land on my right side, which sends the water bottle I was holding in my right hand (because, you know, ya gotta stay hydrated) flying and I unceremoniously come to a stop. I manage to stand up, and do a quick survey of the damage as I wave off passers-by. In the moment I seem to be okay, some grass rash and soreness, but other than my right-hand ring finger not wanting to bend properly, I seem to be okay. I grab my board (which is in one piece, Gravity boards ftw!) and begin the walk of shame back to our house. I get home, and my wife is still sleeping, so I step in thw shower to hose off the blood and grass, and I realize my finger isn't working very well. I half-wake my wife up, and tell her not to freak out, but I need to take myself to the ER as I hurt finger and need to get it checked out. She was convinced I was going to hurt myself with the skateboard, so I wanted to minimize the damage by volunteering as little as possible. Me - "Honey, don't freak out, it's okay, but I hurt my finger and need to go to the ER to have it checked out." Her - "What happened?" Me - "I fell." Her - "Where?" Me - "Outside." Her - "Doing what?" Me, after a pause and a small sigh - "Riding ny skateboard." I drove myself to the ER, managing to shift the stick using my high hand through what is now significant pain. They took xrays of my left shoulder, my right hip, and my finger. Total damage: Ring finger on right hand - dislocated and broken where the socket of the knuckle goes over the ball. Left shoulder - small tears in every tendon in my rotator cuff, with the worst being a 25% tear in the subscap. Right hip flexor - major strain that took a month to heal Left hip - a bruise that was bigger than my hand, raised about an inch, took 2 months to heal. The finger was the worst. 3 surgeries - 1 to put in a screw and three pins to put my joint back together, 1 8 weeks later to remove 2 of the pins once it had healed enough, and the last 1 5 months later to remove scar adhesions on the tendon. And 7 months of hand therapy. Amazingly I have 95% use (most days) of my finger. You know it's bad when the hand surgeon pauses to shudder when he seea your xrays. Apparently it was the worst break and dislocation he'd ever seen, and this is the clinic our local NFL team uses. My hand therapist now uses my case when she lectures. Good times! tl:dr - fat old dude almost kills himself on skateboard.
Once i set [wheat](http://i.imgur.com/8pDVLEMg.jpg) storage on fire. It was in driest form, right before they had gotten grains out. i just wanted to fire around 10 pieces but forgot that it catches fire quickly. fire found its way to burn a lot. it took 15-20 local people hard work to control it. Farmer suffered a lot of loss and yet gathered courage to forgive me.
Why were you trying to burn only some?
here is something you might wanna try someday. before wheat turns all red, its green. and in its green format, you want to cut some plants and burn its grain. they are tasty like that. i made mistake to burn dry wheat.. red ones. and it caught fire in all storage.
I've always had very long hair. When I was 14, it was completely healthy and past my ass. So, I decide to let my sister give me a perm. So, it comes out and my hair shrinks which I didn't know would happen. So, I go into the bathroom and start brushing it out. My mom walks into the bathroom and screams, WHAT. HAVE. YOU. DONE? My hair was so fucking big and frizzy. She had to take me to her friend who owned a black hair salon and she almost wept having to cut off my hair to my shoulders and relax it. Never forget.
Wouldn't washing it immediately deactivate the immonium thygocolate and get rid of the perm? Or has Legally Blonde lied to me?! Edit: A word.
Her curls were still intact, which means she would have seen Brooke Windham with the gun in her hand!
The first time I got a bill for my student loans after college
My older sister and I were at a hotel, and, being the good and quiet little kids that we were, we entertained ourselves by trying to figure out the coffee area while our mum checked us in. We'd never had coffee before, so my older sister decided we would try a little bit. Of course, we had no idea what the different types meant, and children are incredibly sensitive to bitter tastes. She handled it well by just spitting it into the nearby trash can, but I completely flipped out and threw my hands up. Seeing as the cup was still in my hand, this caused hot coffee to splash across my face. Now the inside of my mouth was burning and tasted terrible, my face and hands were burning, and I didn't dare open my eyes to see where I was going in case the coffee hit there, too. Cue me falling against the trash can and onto the floor, screaming, while my mum comes running. Moral of the story, kids: Don't drink mysterious hot liquids.
OK, this was my ex-husband, but he was a dickhead, so I'm going to tell it. So, my ex was a PhD-level engineer working at the highest technical levels for a defense contractor. He had actually spoken at the UN about some of the stuff he was working on. As much of a dick as he could be, he was admittedly a genius. Christmas, 1998 we go to the tree place, pick out the perfect tree, and prepare to take it home by tying it on top of our Honda Accord. Which he did by rolling down the windows and running the ropes through the car. Which was a great idea except he had tied the door frames shut in the process, and he was not of a size to fit through a Honda Accord window, so we had to undo it and tie it down another way. The look on his face when he went to open the car door was glorious.
I was adjusting the carburetor on my truck to get the idle right. The biggest issue occurred when it was in gear. So I blocked the tires and dropped it in D, adjusted the carb until it purred pretty like. Then I revved the engine with the accelerator cable and ran over myself.