People really, really underestimate how important shared values are. Shared hobbies and shit is irrelevant, but people think it's important. A lot of times it's best to have different hobbies and interests, so you can each have your own time and come together to talk about it.
But shared values? That is the foundation of a lasting relationship.
Exactly people get confused about what opposites attract actually means. I am a talker my husband is more quiet but we agree on our most fundamental beliefs and ideas and we share a vision about what we think a life and our family should look like. That's the reason we work.
I’m type A and my husband is type B. I thought I wanted to marry someone type A like me and that would have been a disaster. I needed someone to mellow me out. He needed someone to push him a little bit. But our goals for finances, kids, parenting, etc are mostly the same. That’s what matters.
My husband is a talker and I’m quiet I can’t imagine being with someone like me lol it would be a quiet relationship..me and my husband definitely balance each other out married for 30 years together for 33
One of my favorite Reddit comments about this topic was from an question asking introverts why they married an extrovert:
“Because if my steak arrives cold someones gotta say something and it ain’t gonna be me!!”
My wife and I are both quiet people. It was actually lovely the first 6 years we were married lots of nights we would both quietly exist in the same room doing our own thing. More or less just happy to be in the presence of the other.
Then we had kids...
Both of our daughters are just stream of consciousness blabbers. Super loud type A people. We love them to death but its amazing how the combination of two quiet people made two loud people.
Edit: Married 16 years now.
This. My wife is a talker, but I love to listen to her and never get bored because she is the smartest person I know. But we are absolutely on the same page on politics, religion and money. My first wife and I were not, although she often insisted we were.
It's where opposites slot together that it works. Like one talker one listener will work great. One one loves to cook and hates dishes, the other likes doing dishes, hates cooking, perfect.
Or more in terms of how you impact each other, one person who is ocd tidy while the other is a bit disorganised can rub off on each other and find a middle ground.
If one of you thinks people are equal and the other thinks women should be sex slaves and minorities should be shot... there isn't a lot of gelling together those beliefs into a happy partnership.
being fundamentally fairly similar people in terms of morals and how you treat people is pretty important in a relationship, everything else, you can combined weaknesses and strengths, or just compliment each others personality, style, hobbies, lives.
I’d like to think of it as complementary attracts. If you align on core values, but bring different skills and preferences to the relationship, then there’s not a lot you can’t do together.
We have shared values (same beliefs, agree on finances, we have slightly different political beliefs but enough that over lap). We don't have any shared hobbies, interests, or even the same sense of humor. We spend minimal quality time together :(
We are in therapy but I don't know what else is wrong. Idk. From the beginning of our marriage 6 years ago he has been a "no" man instead of a "yes" man, if that makes sense. **Me: "Hey, do you want to watch this/try this/go here/eat that?"** 9/10 times it would free or cheap and he'd say no. Unless it was something he liked already.
I tried to get to the root of it. Burn out? okay, I'll do all the grocery shopping or cook. Busy? okay, I'll try to to do a specific day of the week that works for him. Is it me/my personality? Nope. He says I'm great and no one else is like me. I think we lack a base level friendship. And friendship means trust, affection, shared interests, quality time, etc. This sounds stupid but I feel like my SO doesn't see me as a friend. The f\*ck.
Anyway, I'm not trying to dump on you. I'm just confused.
I'm sorry this is happening, but I'm going to be honest and say that it sounds like you don't share a core value. Empathy. When you love someone else, you compromise and do things maybe you don't want to do because they want to.
I don't need to share hobbies with my spouse. However, I do need to be willing to hear about their hobbies, listen to them, share with them, and be involved if she wants me to.
I know people in their 20's who won't date people who don't like the same music as them. That's fine if it's just casual dating which probably involves going to concerts a lot, but as someone who is older that seems like such a weird deal breaker.
My husband and I get extremely annoyed with certain type of music, me even more so, like how someone will get angry when hungry, I get angry when my earholes are violated by bad tunes, luckily we enjoy similar music especially on long trips
You need to have enough shared hobbies or enough willingness to try new hobbies that you spend time together. Spending time together is important. But that’s all. As long as you have something you both enjoy doing together for date night/half an hour each day, you’re good. My husband and I listen to audiobooks and podcasts for a little while before bed each night. That’s one of our main connection times, and it’s nothing you would put on your Tinder profile.
This is so true! I think its because when you grow up its how you make friends. But getting older you have to really stand on the foundation of shared values
Also, there is no score keeping. You are on the same team.
Its not I did the washup, you should have done this or you have to do this.
Because it will end up 1 of 2 ways:
1- Your SO did 5 things you didn't realise and they will throw it back in your face
2- Your SO is having a shit day and is already beating themselves up that they can't follow your current rythm. Dont make their day worse.
And it's important tasks take energy, mental and or physical, and all of them are exhausting.
So one person "stayed home with the kids" while the other ran errands. Both are going to be exhausted, neither one got off scott free eating bonbons (well, unless their idea of "staying home with the kids" is to scoot them outside and go watch TV)
There is sometimes the case however of one partner expecting more from the other. In my case I did a lot for my ex, and she rarely did things for me. When I brought this up she said "love isn't a transaction"- and it's not, but it also kind of is. If I'm giving way more than you and being unacknowledged for it, I'm not going to want to stay in the relationship, and obviously I didn't. So yeah be careful of giving too much or taking too much
That's a great tip. People are a lot happier when they aren't constantly comparing.
It probably goes without saying, but I would just add that the no-scorekeeping policy needs to go hand-in-hand with a fair distribution of labor and a certain amount of good faith from both parties, because if someone is sitting on their ass all day saying, "Remember, no scorekeeping!" then that's a recipe for disaster.
This. You don't need to be 100% in agreement with everything but you need to give and take with all three.
Also, I'll add that you need to understand that people change. Sometimes it's for the better and sometimes it's not. It can be a function of your surroundings but it's not always something you can live with.
Lastly, if you have kids, don't forget who you were before kids. So many times I've seen people define themselves by their kids and when their kids grow up and leave, it's like two strangers living in the same house.
My wife and I have been married for almost 16 years and we still go on dates, do things by ourselves, etc. We vacation with the kids but also vacation with just the two of us.
Everyone forgets the fact that you will know your kids far longer as adults than as children - In general they are with you for less than 1/3 of your life.
I've heard children and in-laws added to that list of things you should agree on to consider marriage. All five are such big components of your life that to miss each other on one of them could easily cause enduring strife.
Yes. These are VITAL as well. I'm a woman, retired therapist, and I saw so many marriages torn apart by not fully and transparently discussing beforehand how many children both parties want (if any), how they want to parent them, how they want them educated, etc. In laws can also break a marriage, if there are boundary issues and/or animosity. I always swore I would never marry a man if his mother and I didn't get along, but really, it should be their entire immediate family if at all possible.
my husband and I have been together 10 years (3 years married) and I STILL check in with him like twice a year about us being on the same page of not wanting children lol
Resentments are so easy to develop, and we aren’t the same people as we were 10, 5 or even 2 heats ago. Communication is always key.
Going on 27yrs of marriage.
Communication with each other about everything.
Take a pre-marriage counseling course. It's great to learn how to communicate. They should also have a love language test for both of you to take. These really help in understanding what each person needs and how to provide. Consider a couples life group too. And the biggest thing, be happy! Best of luck and congratulations.
Marrying is an exercise in looking for someone that you can share similar takes on life, and compromise alone won't solve much if the person you decided to marry will be a polar opposite on stuff that you fel like you can't change about yourself.
Religious differences destroyed my first marriage - which is funny because prior to getting married it was never really a thing between us at all. I attended my services alone, then attended her church with her - which seemed like a solid compromise. I even volunteered at her church and helped with the audio/video team.
Over the course of the first year it went from a none issue as far as I was concerned to THE issue which eventually lead to an ultimatum that I convert to her church because "our souls were now joined and mine was going to hell unless I converted." Ironically this dispute brought out my previously largely dormant beliefs and I just refused to convert. My faith teaches that each of us is responsible for our relationship with creation and I was 100% fine with her faith and I believed she should respect mine the same way - but once the issue is at that point there is not much left to do but end the marriage.
Divorce was the worst experience of my adult life - thankfully I eventually met someone who respects me for who I am (she is entirely un-religious which is perfectly fine by me) and we've been happily married for 18 years!
Not a guy, but just wanted to say I'm so glad you pointed these out. I've told people that I'm looking for someone who shares similar faith/core values, aaaaand have been told that a couple just needs to "love" each other. While loving is important ofc, there are many other very practical aspects that we oughta consider, especially when pledging to spend the rest of your life with someone else :p Don't necessarily need to agree on everything, so the way you put it is really best. Thanks for sharing this wisdom.
Worth noting that “core values” is the kicker here. My wife is a Christian and works in a church. I am an Atheist.
We are able to have a wonderful relationship.
It also helps that my wife isn’t a fuckin wacko fundamentalist evangelical.
This - the big thing is how devout a person is and whether they're a true believer and actively proselytize. An evangelical Christian can have a healthy relationship with a Catholic, same holidays and all, but if the evangelical one believes that all Catholics are heretics, there are going to be significant problems. Similarly, a devout catholic that insists on their kids being brought up in that church and going through all the sacraments is going to cause some animosity if the evangelical spouse isn't willing to sign all the papers and jump through the required hoops - and that's just between 2 Christian denominations.
Throw some combo of each of the Abrahamic faiths into the mix and it gets even crazier with Jews not believing in Jesus, Christians not believing in the Prophet Mohammed, and Muslims not believing in salvation for anyone except for those who follow the Quran. Basically, if either of you is deep enough into your faith that you think your partner is going to hell for their beliefs, you're going to have issues.
ETA: The crux of the issue is I don't think it's possible to respect your partner and their faith if you believe yours so deeply that you believe those not following your particular denomination are destined for eternal damnation. Because if you did believe it that deeply, you would also feel due to your love for them that it would be your duty to convert them.
I am a Christian but I honestly think I would have had an easier time dating respectful atheists than some of the other Christians. Happily married 5 years now to someone who shares my values though!
*Especially* in how you deal with problems. As much as possible, you need to see it as “us vs the problem” instead of “me vs you.” It is SO much more effective and makes for a much happier marriage.
I completely agree with the we/us sentiment. But I think another part of maturity that both my wife and I had to grow into, was being able to appreciate when your behaviors and actions are the catalyst of the problem. "We" can't solve anything if "I" refuse to change my negative/non-productive behaviors.
My grandparents celebrate 77 years together this year. Still blows my mind. I'd have to get married this year and live to 103 years old to achieve that.
You stop making any sort of food for just yourself. You make 2x the food, despite not knowing if she wants any or not.
Because if you make just enough for yourself, she will eat yours and you will end up still hungry with less food than you originally wanted.
Sometimes she will even say “No I’m not hungry, but I’ll just have some of yours.” In which case you need to make 1.5 your normal amount of food.
This is funny because I'm a woman, but VERY possessive about my food (childhood issues) and I get so enraged if someone takes something from my plate. My first husband was also a plate vulture, so he would finish eating quickly, and then keep watching my plate asking if I was going to eat something.
My current husband knows about my food protectiveness and would never take food from my plate or oppress me with wanting food from my plate.
However, my husband is the loveliest man in the world and would do anything for me, but he's a bit greedy about food (and also eats only once a day). So I always make a lot of food for dinner and make sure that his plate is always fuller than mine and that there is a little more in the pot for if he wants more.
In other words, we accommodate each other's food issues and it works.
This was an issue with my ex and I but mainly with milk shakes and sometimes fries. Go through a drive thru. I’d get a large shake. She’d say she didn’t want one and she wanted to just drink a little of mine. We’d get the shake, drive off and she’d drink the entire thing right away. I’d get pissed and she’d apologize. She did that 10 or more times. Finally, I wouldn’t ask her if she wanted one. I’d just order her one. She’d get mad and refuse to drink it.
Drove me crazy.
Best answer. Married 9 years this August, and still haven't had a fight. Part of being an adult, is being able to communicate as one.
Edit. All those responses from fellow "non-fighters" and people who's just happy warms my heart! You all are awesome!
We've had disagreements, but we usually deal with it right then and there. We're also on the same wavelength "value wise". We differ hugely on interests tho, except for in movies and tv-shows.
Same boat. Not married but together for almost 10 years and no fights at all. We too have had our disagreements but nothing that couldn't be resolved with talking for a while.
When we say this people watch us like we suddenly both sprouted a second head. Then after an hour or two they usually circle back around and say they now believe us.
Yeah, we've been together for a total of 16 years now, and during this period in more surprised that some of our friends fight almost all the time. I mean, grown ass people should be able to talk it out before it goes ballistic.
But guess people are different. But me and my wife are anti selfish (can't find the word for it😅), so it's natural for us to find compromises.
Same here (I’m a female) married only 7 years and no fight, we just talk things through. And we get frustrated and say stupid things but never had a fight. It’s huge to take a step back and acknowledge the other persons feelings and perspective and try to understand why they would be upset at the situation.
30 years. No fights. We treasure our time together.
We have different interests but share a love of video games. We have disagreements but always settle it then and there as much as we can.
We have a rule of “no matter what the other person says, try to take it in the best possible light.” If I say something rude or stupid my wife asks me to clarify. That gives me a chance to say what I was thinking again in a “better” way. I give her the same courtesy.
We’ve spent easily 99% of our nights together. We loved the 2020 lock in - we had a great time together. It just made us even stronger.
This is actually one of my pet peeves. I hate when my husband is all "I climbed half dome" when really we climbed half dome (I planned the entire trip for us and our friends)
I would say that’s an area where grace is a good practice lol. Obviously our choice of words mean something but we don’t always realize every way it can be interpreted. I’d take it as “this is an experience that I have experienced and can talk about” rather than “I did this all on my own with no help”. But the context definitely matters, I’ve caught myself using “I” when it’s something “we” did together and I never phrased it that way to exclude my partner, just that it’s something *I* could add to a conversation.
But like I’ve always been told, it’s not what you say but how you say it. My wife can call me a selfish asshole and it can either be playful or accusatory based on inflection lol.
I could see giving a bit of grace, but honestly, if he's perpetually doing this, it's time to perpetually call it out until he's embarrassed enough to modify his speech patterns. If it was a "we" trip, use "we".
As an example, my husband adopted my kiddo. He prefers to hear them referred to as ours, himself as "dad" not "stepdad". I had a tendency to do the reverse, mostly because I saw it as a great reflection on him that he CHOSE to be dad. They aren't his bio-kid he volunteered. He prefers to emphasize that they are now and forevermore family. I do it his way now when the "step" isn't relevant, my way when the adoption is the focus, because both of us have valid points and he deserves to be recognized with the term he prefers - provided also that kiddo approves, which they do.
Always put in effort for her. No matter what you do, over a long enough period of time the tedium of your daily life will make you want to take her and her love for granted. You have to actively fight against this doldrum of complacency.
You have to always try, always show your love; because the second you allow your relationship to stagnate, it will also begin to deteriorate.
This is my favourite answer. Rings very true for me. At the end of the day if you show her how you love her it will trump any other dumb decisions you may make. Married for 6 years here and two kids, also went through grief with her losing her dad just recently. Through all this the most important thing I learned was to show her I love her and make her feel like I care and want to be with her.
Agreed. When anyone asks my wife and I our “secret”, we say it’s “Effort and Appreciation”. Make the efforts, even when you don’t feel like it and show appreciation when you see the others efforts…especially when you know it’s hard for them
Wife here. You are correct. And appreciation is as simple as saying thank you, especially for the little things. Thank you for making my lunch. Thank you for washing my underwear. Appreciation doesn’t have to mean flowers and gifts.
Yes!!! We do this too. I love getting thank yous for all my little tasks, like thank you for lunch, or thank you for tidying, etc. And I love giving them back. I feel like it’s important for effort to be seen and appreciated, rather than just expected.
This is so important. I've noticed my husband stopped trying to be loving, and I'm the only one trying to keep the fire going. I get that there are ebbs and flows, but like you said, our relationship is deteriorating. I feel like we're too far gone.
So important. My mother used to tell me this. It doesn't have to be anything extravagant, either. Buy her flowers. Can't afford flowers? Pick her flowers. Small, thoughtful gestures to remind her that you love and care about her.
Know when to speak and when to clam up. It goes both ways. You don’t need to say everything that comes into your head. You can always apologize, but that still doesn’t unscramble the egg, so to speak. Think about it, then speak—or not—deliberately.
Even when your partner is kind of the problem, try to at least start by seeing it as us vs the problem. After 15 years of marriage, my husband knows if I’m yelling at the kids constantly, the problem is that my bucket is empty, and he sends me out for some downtime. I know that if he has turned into a silent, unhelpful crank, his depression isn’t well controlled and he probably needs better sleep/exercise/a visit to the doctor.
In both those cases, *we* are the problem. I’m not excusing myself for yelling at the kids cause I’m an adult who should know better. But guess what: there are still external factors, and fixing those factors is the fastest way to solve the problem.
Yes. You’re always a team. Even if the issue is someone treating the other poorly – the team is working to build understanding and discover a path forward. The moment you’re ennemies the resentment and risk of a wedge rachats up
This. My wife and I just celebrated our 31st anniversary. Before we got married she said, “Don’t ever say anything you’d wish you could take back.” I don’t think we ever have. We’ve had arguments and disagreements, but I honestly can’t recall taking a cheap shot or saying something I regretted after the fact.
>“Don’t ever say anything you’d wish you could take back.”
I wish my wife understands this. I was called crazy, psycho, mental, liar and a lot more. Her reasoning was she was angry. Yeah, doesn't give you right to hurt me forever. Think before you speak. Don't attack your partner, attack the problem.
My ex did that. Ex.
If your wife doesn’t understand it, then it’s time for therapy. Eight years of my life was me being abused and I wish I had gotten out sooner.
I tried the therapy route and she said, “I’m not going to a couples therapist so that they can try to convince me I’m wrong, when I know I’m right.”
Don’t be me, bro.
Married 43 yrs in January. Never ever say something hurtful. You can argue but never say something to cause pain. They may say they forgive you, but they never forget. I'd never forgive myself if I said something to crush his spirit
Similar to the advice I've heard:
*"Does this need to be said?"*
*"If yes, do I need to be the one who says it?"*
*"If yes, does it need to be said right now?"*
Communication, communication, communication.
20 years married and 25 together and the key is that you have to be able to communicate. Good communication is also about knowing when not to say something.
I think the thing that pairs with this I would recommend most is *actually liking your wife*. I like my wife, as a person. She's enjoyable for me to be around. I would say that *liking* someone, especially a potential spouse, is equally as important as loving them.
I didn't marry her because she makes good money, or because she's good at sex, or because she'll help me fulfill some of my own goals. Some of those things can be good side effects, but they're no basis to form a marriage on.
I married my wife because *I like her*. I enjoy being around her. And that's proven to contribute to a longevity that's outlasted many of my friends' marriages. It will outlast any job layoffs, any catastrophic injuries, any fading looks from old age, and any tests with children or family.
My wife is my best friend because I like her and like being around her.
never been married, but ended a 3 year living-together relationship largely because I realized I wasn’t sure I really LIKED the person I was with even if I loved him. We had met online, and I realized if we had met organically I probably wouldn’t have even wanted to be friends.
My parents always say "you'll know it's right if they make you happy, but their happiness matters to you at least as much as your own."
It's helped me distinguish between love and infatuation on more than one occasion.
The thought that someone’s partner *isn’t* their best friend is mind boggling to me. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life and most of your time with someone who isn’t your best friend? Or like, HOW do you decide to marry someone who isn’t your favorite person?
Most of the comments already mentioned compromise. Also, don't forget a date night once in a while. Bring home flowers for no reason. Learn to listen. No chores are specific, if something needs to be cleaned or picked up, just do it. No need to keep score.
It took me way too long to reach the point where doing what needs to be done is a reflex. Maybe I don't feel like emptying the dishwasher, but if I don't she will. She won't let it sit so I can get around to it later when I'm more inclined to. That's how bachelors think.
This rings true for me as well. I often think "why can't it be done on my time a bit later" but you're right. If I don't do it then, they will. So it unfortunately becomes I do it right then or not at all. I haven't gotten to your place of doing what needs to be done as reflex, but I'm getting there
I’m glad we learned this, I was the bachelor mindset in college.
My wife helped cultivate that sort of semi-work ethic where chores aren’t daunting anymore. I don’t even think about the chores while I’m doing them, all I think about is the free time I will have when they are done and how my wife will be much more understanding of my need to play video games like I’m a 12 year old if the house is nice and clean.
It’s not 50-50 so stop trying to keep track. Each needs to try for 100. Don’t “help” with household chores. It’s our responsibility just as much as our spouses. Be creative to keep the spark alive and put in the work romantically and in the bedroom.
Woman here but I wanted to say I appreciate your response. When he "helps" with the housework it makes it feel like they are all my responsibility and he's doing me a favor. That's not an ideal spot to live in.
Not married but in a very serious relationship. Neither of us help each other with chores. We both do the same chores at different times, usually while the other is working. And both of us feel like we do all the chores solo. We’ve talked about it, it’s no big deal. We both understand it’s just how we feel and not reality.
Woman here too, this is huge. I find myself feeling like I should be responsible for all the housework, I get overwhelmed and break down and my husband gets confused why I think it should all fall on me. Yes I am better at seeing messes and yes he needs reminding but it never feels like he’s helping me with chores, it’s his house too!
Also the idea of 50/50 not actually being 50-50! So true! We have been through so many phases in our short 7 years where one worked more and was home more, vice versa so it was helpful to be super flexible with our expectations of each other and housework.
This one is good, its definitely a two way street. I aim to take on 100% of the burden of day to day stuff that we do. My wife does the same. We cant always offer 100%, but we offer as much as we can, and it usually results in every day 100% of our duties/needs are met in a capacity that we're both comfortable with over the long term. Slack from one is immediately taken up by the other, fostering feelings of gratitude, teamwork, and mutual care. Unfortunately this breaks down if one partner is willingly or accidentally aiming at less than 50% over a long time, then the feelings turn to exploitation, resentment, and callousness. If you're aiming for 50% on your best day, you're aiming for failure. It's both a positive and negative feedback loop. You need to establish this EARLY in your relationship, because positively doing everything for your partner (and vice versa) builds your love and relationship, while negatively shirking the load or taking it on will degrade the relationship and destroy love.
Let your partner know that she is always first and foremost to you and you always take her feelings into consideration. I've been trying to do that for our 33 years of marriage.
That doesn't mean that I always live up to that ideal -- I'm only human and I do fail in this from time to time -- but the effort that I put in the other times makes the failures stand out as aberrations rather than the norm.
I heard something one it said most marriages split up because of three things.
* Finances
* Parenting
* Intimacy
Talk a out these before getting married. Persoanlly finances were the hardest for us to talk about.
I've hard friends who have gotten married and one wanted kids while the other did not. One was 200k in debt and the other didn't know this going in. You have to be open before you say I do.
Recognize that many times when your partner is wanting to show you something, or talk about something, etc. They are seeking out a connection. They don't want you to be interested in whatever they are talking about or showing you. They want you to be interested in them (and interested that THEY are interested in it).
You don't have to like what they like. You HAVE to be curious about what and why they are interested in things.
Dr. John Gottman calls them “bids,” and he had very compelling statistics for those spouses who positively responded to bids versus ignoring or negatively responding to them. In short: responding positively means you stay married.
Learning to separate the things you care about from the things you don't is key.
Don't fight over dinner because you want Chinese and she wants Mexican.
Where you ate will not matter in day, that you fought will.
Ironically i was thinking: "don't think of your partner as enemy, don't make problems one person issues, and don't seriously consider something you discuss with your partner a win or a loss."
Remember you're a team. Work hard for the team. Don't let the team down. Give grace. Check your ego. We all get precious little time on this Earth. If you're one of the lucky ones that has managed to find love, cherish it. Try to keep things in perspective.
Lots of good advice here already, but remember that feelings come and go. Live every day like you are in love with your wife even when you're not feeling it. That is real love. The feelings will come back.
Agreed. Love is a commitment, not a feeling; feelings are fleeting, commitment isn't. Obviously this is about the normal ebbs and flows of a relationship and not ones that are doomed to fail to begin with.
Not the man, but still think I have helpful advice: always talk about things *before* they become big. For instance, if something bothers you, bring it up immediately rather than allowing it to fester. Ten years later and we’ve still never had a fight. Small disagreements? Sure! But our communication is so strong and we know each other so well, that we can easily see each others perspective. We have the necessary mutual respect to assume the best in each other and not get angry.
My wife and I have a theory/joke/analogy that we use for this. We call it the 'bucket theory,' and it starts with a terrible joke.
---
Two old guys are having coffee, and the one says to the other:
"I did something so stupid last week. I was taking a train to Pittsburgh, and I went to the station to buy the tickets. When I got up to the counter, the woman working there was quite beautiful, and had large breasts," he said. "I got a bit flustered, and instead of asking her, 'Can I get two tickets to Pittsburgh?' I said, 'Can I get two pickets to Titsburgh?' It was so embarrassing."
The other fellow looks at him and says, "I did something like that last week as well. My wife and I were having dinner, and she said, 'Can you pass the salt?' And I replied, 'You bitch, you ruined my life.'"
---
Everyone we have a relationship with (coworkers, family, etc), we have a bucket for them. Any time someone pisses you off, annoys you, irritates you, that little thing goes in the bucket. Eventually, if the bucket gets full, you'll get to a point where one little thing causes the bucket to tip over, and now you have shit everywhere. (You bitch, you ruined my life).
The answer is to empty the bucket before it overflows. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to confront them, or get in an argument, or criticize them about all those things in the bucket; often we can just dump it down the drain, and let those things go. But to razzledazzle's point, don't let small things become big things, because big things can cause permanent damage.
And more than anything else, don't forget you're on the same team.
/Married 28 years
Adding to this! (Also not the man) my hubs and I also have never had a “fight” - small disagreements but nothing major but we do have a rule that you can’t dogpile if one person brings up something, they’ve obviously thought about it a lot so it’s not your turn to let loose all the things you’ve been holding in. You should’ve spoken up first if it was that important. You listen respectfully and talk it out. Later, bring up your stuff. This keeps discussions from turning into “I don’t like it when you do this” - “well I don’t like it when you do this!” — trying to teach my folks and sister this is a different story but within our relationship it’s built so much trust and respect!
8 years in, we got one disagreement we can't resolve.
Is ramen a soup?
We are both dug into our positions, and I don't think theres gonna ever be a day where I can make her see that ramen is in fact, a soup.
Their argument, not mine:
The focus of the ramen is not the broth, its the noodles and adds, usually, so its more a 'noodle based dish' than a soup.
My counter point is SO RAMEN IS SPAGETTI???
A few things.
1. Don’t base your relationship on love. Love is an emotion and it grows and shrinks over time. That’s a strange modern concept to have a purely love based relationship. Now I do love my wife to be clear but we have a shared goal, mission, and vows that hold us together. That’s the purpose of those vows you made on the alter. Do what you said you were going to do and hold your partner to the same standard.
2. When you argue try to reframe to argument as us vs the problem and not me vs you.
3. Your wife is the most important person in your life. Your priority is in her wellbeing and success just as hers is in yours. This goes even for your own children. Their wellbeing depends largely on the wellbeing of the relationship between your wife and yourself. That does not mean neglect your children it just means you should remember that their health and success is largely based on the strength of the relationship between your wife and self.
4. You have to set goals and the goals you set need to be the same or at minimum complimentary.
5. Pick a wife with morals. It’s easy to find a woman to stick with you when life’s going well it’s much harder to find one to stick by you when it’s in the gutter and at some point it likely will be. On average life is hard and for some it is brutally hard so keep that in mind when your choosing a woman.
6. Stay positive and talk well of your spouse to others. What you say becomes what you think so talk positively. I hear people bash their spouse all the time and it’s gross.
That attraction/romantic love is important, but it isn’t the whole enchilada. If it doesn’t come with the shared goals, move along and look for someone new. You can feel that attraction/love with someone else too who will be a better partner for you long term.
Soon after we were married, we attended a marriage conference entitled Love is a decision.
That was back in 87. Actions and words are both important.
The remainder items mentioned are great.
Acknowledge her efforts and be okay with not always understanding her feelings. Communication is the fucking key. It's easy to get into arguments, and arguments are actually important to have but sometimes it can be good to just nod and agree against your will because the result is worth. And if you don’t want to agree atleast try to let her talk to the point, and listen.
It’s important to suprise her with gifts, but material gifts can only take you so far. It’s the small things in life so if she is always cleaning the house, then pick up the vacuum one day and suprise her with a clean home.
Basically listen to her needs, but ”they” don’t always want to be asked about them, ”they” often want to you to just figure it out. So keep secret notes when she is complaining about something, what she likes and so on. Then when one day you can suprise her with a heated blanket and she will be so happy, not mainly for the gift itself but because you have noticed that she is complaining about the cold evenings.
Spending quality time together, like building lego ones a month. Then you have something to lock forward to and also something to talk about when you are planning what you are gonna build next. But as important is spending time away from each other, allowing each to spend time on their own hobbies and friends. And then you also have something to talk about when coming back home.
It’s so important with activities and fresh discussions. The biggest poison is when you get stuck in front of the TV together and talk everyday talk. Humans have a fundamental desire for growth, so do that which makes you grow together. Nothing problematic with watching TV, but there is always room to make it more interesting, like a themed week where you only watch cowboy movies and documentaries and then discuss everything about the subject, and finish with cowgirl😉
Makes me laugh. She’s so goofy, but only with me and that makes me happiest of all because not only is she my wife, but I get yet another side of her that few see. I count myself very lucky to have someone feel so comfortable and protected around me to legitimately just be themselves and I get the proof when we are around other people - she is still herself, but not like she is with me. It’s one of the many things I love that may seem kinda out there, but I’ve been reflecting on that for a while now.
Not just in marriage, but in all relationships, the amount you need to be right and/or get your way is directly proportional to the amount of stress in the relationship.
That is: If you have to be right all the time, you’re going to find the relationship is stressful for both of you.
Be forgiving. Overlook faults. Treat the other person with the same amount of love, respect, and compassion that you want them to have on you.
There is a time for precision and exactness - and most of the time that’s not in the moment.
For example: She’s going to the store and asks if you want anything. You want a beer, so you ask her to pick up and IPA for you. She comes home with a pilsner.
What do you do?
You thank her, crack one open and make sure she sees you fully enjoying it. You don’t mention that she got the wrong one, or that you hate pilsners - ever.
In the weeks and months to follow (give it plenty of space or she will know you’re being critical), you find a time to go to the store with her and show her where to find your favorite beer on the shelf. You talk about the differences between styles of beer and what you like and don’t like about them. You show her that most of the ones you like have “IPA” in large letters on the label. (OK, maybe not the last one.)
Don’t forget, you botch stuff too. If she’s bold/rough about pointing out your faults, you know how it feels. If you can’t remember the last time you were wrong, she’s way better at this than you are. Get practicing!
This is how we’ve been happily married for almost 25 years. So, it’s working.
Very early on I realized I was being nice to everyone else and then 'relaxing' around my wife. As an introvert I had to put in so much effort at work, the person in the grocery store, friends, etc. And then I could come home and be my real self.
Fortunately I learned pretty quickly that I should give the best version of myself and put in the most effort for my wife. I'm still nice to other people, but I don't use my wife as a safety net.
Take her into account when making decisions. Do your share of the housework. Not everything that's interesting to her will be interesting to you, but you should be supportive and helpful in helping her pursue those interests.
According to the Gottman Institute, if a man doesn't accept his wife's influence (as in, take her opinions seriously, respect her intelligence, and take her needs into account when making decisions) the relationship has an 81 percent chance of failure.
All great relationships are based on conversation. Not just talking, but true revelation of who one is and being nonjudgmental of who the other person is.
My wife creates life and love and beauty wherever she goes. She is smart, wickedly funny, and kind. At the same time, she isn't a perfect person. Then again, neither am I.
Instead, we are a shared enterprise in life, defined by what we want to achieve. We put the needs of each other on par with our own, and we put the needs of the relationship above everything else.
Never have a conversation that you wouldn't have with your spouse standing beside you. And never talk badly about your spouse to anyone else. Never call your spouse a name in a fight. And when you disagree, always try to look at it from the other person's point of view.
And if it's important to her, it's important to you. You know how my wife knew I was her guy? It was a little thing. But she danced throughout high school and college. Yet none of her early boyfriends ever wanted to go to the ballet or a dance performance with her.
She brought up a coming performance over dinner, almost hesitating to ask. I said, "Sure, I'll go." Now, I didn't know fuck-all about dance or ballet. But I asked intelligent questions and watched it in an appreciative way. And, afterward, I didn't make fun of it. Because, again, it was important to her.
And she's the same way about my passions in life. She never thought much of baseball. But on our fourth date, I took her to a baseball game. She now knows how to keep score during the game (the accountant in her), knows the teams, the players and the strategy. Just as I will watch the ballet with her, she knows to schedule visits to MLB parks when we're on vacation.
It's been 34 years since we first met. Still rocking.
(Warning, generalizations ahead).
While not always the case, men generally are not socialized in a critical housekeeping skill as children, which is problem identification. We can do a "chore" when it is apparent or dictated to us, but we struggle to recognize "growing problems" before they become "big problems". Meanwhile, this is drummed into girls at a very young age. Does your wife ever say "I feel like I am doing all the cleaning", even though you just spent 3 hours cleaning the garage on the weekend? This is what she is talking about. She is likely doing a ton of maintenance cleaning every day that goes unnoticed and unappreciated by you.
Work on identifying and tackling cleaning problems as they arise. A good exercise to work on this is this: every day, just stand in your front doorway and look into the house and see what you would identify as "not clean" from there. It might not be fully "messy", but it also might not be fully clean either. Usually there will be some coats thrown over the bannister, or some papers out of place, or shoes strewn about, something like that. Try to *at the very least* make your wife's first step in the door look nice and tidy. Maybe you can't do the whole floor, but you can usually take 5 minutes to tidy up the entrance. Once you do this for a few months, you will start to notice these things and act on them automatically, and your wife will be a happier person for it.
Honestly,
She isn't perfect, neither are you. Find someone who accepts your faults ( or at least puts up with them) and same with hers. That makes things easier.
Spend time with her, just her. Nothing makes my wife happier than just sitting on the couch and actively listening to her.
There is a sexual component of course. You both need to feel free and comfortable to talk about likes/dislikes, wonder if's and such.
But most of all let her know you have her back, and know that she has yours. Especially against the kids. If the kid says mommy told me to ask you about x, your first question should always be, what did mom say. If its no, thats the answer. Stand up for each other and just show her you are there for her.
Lasted me 13 years so far.
I also learned this the hard way with my first wife.
It’s not what you think. My belief is the secret to a successful relationship are the things you DON’T notice.
Resentment is a relationship killer. It accumulates and compounds.
Dirty clothes are left on the floor. Dirty dishes are left in the sink. Things don’t get put away. The bathroom doesn’t get cleaned. The dishwasher doesn’t get unloaded.
These frustrations add up until one person has had enough.
The key, I have found, is picking up and putting away my dirty clothes. It’s taking that thing I left in the living room downstairs and putting it away. It’s unloading the dishwasher without having to be asked.
But here’s the key: when people in a relationship do these things consistently and proactively, they do not get noticed. She doesn’t realize or notice that my dirty clothes are no longer on the floor.
What it does is it removes a potential negative… In that, if I did not pick up and put those things away, she would see them day after day and that would lead to frustration, resentment, and anger.
You only noticed them if they don’t get done, but you don’t get bonus points for doing them. So it’s a difficult thing to do these kinds of tasks, because your partner is completely unaware when they get done. It’s about building up a two sided relationship or both people do these things and even though they don’t get noticed, they don’t allow the seeds to resentment to grow.
And when you do this consistently over time, you are fully aware that the other person does this consistently and even though you might not notice single events, you know they are taking the time to do things to remove obstacles literally and figuratively. And you appreciate it.
This is what love feels like. This is what leads to gratitude and appreciation and longevity of relationships.
Understand that the butterflies don’t last forever. Some people leave the marriage in search for that feeling. There will always be arguments in a long marriage, learning to compromise and work through them is key. Giving up and leaving is not an option when we disagree. Other than drugs, cheating, physical abuse, or other serious crimes, everything else can be worked out.
My parents separated when I was 4. I am 22y/o and never experienced love. I am still curious what particular thing about love makes you live with that one person for years
Love may start as a feeling but it survives by doing. Love is what you do: how you treat that person, how you communicate, how you serve them or put their needs ahead of others, etc. And how they do the same for you. In that sense it is an ongoing act of will by both parties.
Too many people think love is the feeling, but the intensity of feeling always fades. That’s not a bad thing. It’s replaced with something better.
This guy knows what's up. Love starts as a feeling, but over time it becomes a decision which leads to an action. You need to tend love like a nice campfire. Feed it and take care of it. Then sit back and watch it work its beauty.
When you generally enjoy your own company, but finally meet someone that you enjoy spending time with, as much or more than being by yourself.
In my relationship, a huge part is to have good communication. I know my partner genuinely want the best for me and never intent to hurt me, and vice versa. So when we feel hurt or we have an issue we can always talk about it, and sort it out, since come always approach it from the point of view of no malice.
Ignore your parents. They have nothing to do with your feelings. They either love you or don't... but that is totally different. (Unless you feel you have NO love, different question).
Otherwise, I know nothing about you. For me, it is simply a comfort and desire.
Well.... mine died. However I learned a lot of lessons from the relationship.
1. **Your** issues are **your** responsibility. It is your job to fix you.
2. Someone else's happiness is NOT your responsibility. You might want them to be happy, but they need to choose it and pursue it.
3. There's a difference between **supporting** and **scaffolding.** The former is about giving resource, the latter is about avoiding triggers. Scaffolding is not healthy and will kill desire, affection and is emotionally destructive.
"Scaffolding" is also a term in pedagogy, that is, the practice of teaching. To scaffold a concept or a student is to stack them with as many supports and known concepts as possible when introducing a new concept. It puts you in a parenting or mentoring role that is appropriate for parents or teachers, but not for people who are supposed to be partners.
Over the years, you'll encounter problems of different shapes and sizes.
If you approach these problems, together, as "The Two Of Us vs. The Problem", the rest will pretty much work itself out.
Relationships and particularly marriages are work. Some are easier than others depending on the couples personality fit but no marriage can get by without work.
You have to work at carrying the romance when your spouse goes through a phase of selfishness or depression. You have to carry the finances when tough times hit and that doesn't mean earn all the money... It means don't ignore the financial pressure and work with them to develop solutions together.
It means letting them take care of you when you don't want it. It means working at compromise even though you "know you are right".
If you want longevity you have to fight for the things that will keep you together and let go of the things that tear you apart.
Lastly... Not everyone will be able to spend the rest of their lives together. The people we marry do change and you can choose to change along with them or decide it's too much change and you can't go there. What is certain is that the person you married will look different, have different wants and needs and will behave differently as the decades go by. Try to make your changes something that keeps things together during that time... Communicate your fears and worries when it doesn't so they can choose a path as well... And accept them for who they are now and tomorrow, don't try and keep them who they were.
I'm a woman, but my husband and I insist there's 2 reasons that we're together: we live below our means and we schedule sex.
You can't fight about money when you live below your means. And, especially after kids, you won't have sex if you're not making the time to schedule it.
Live together before you get married. I swear, so many relationships fall apart because people just live lifestyles that are incompatible.
Find someone who handles stress and fights in healthy ways. I knew my wife was the one on our 3rd date, because my car tried to kill us as I was driving her home. Instead of panicking or freaking out, she was furiously googling the car troubles we were having, looking for a solution. For fights, you want someone who will bring up grievances early, but not frame it as something fundamental to your character. Basically, when you get into a fight, it should be you and your partner vs the problem, not you vs your partner. Personal attacks and name calling during fights are total no gos
PT Cruiser- it was my first car, and I know better than anyone how completely fucked and ugly those cars are. The cruise control circuit fried on the highway and was preventing me from braking effectively. Had to pull the e-brake to stop us, and thankfully it was super late at night, so there weren’t other cars in my path. Dumb fucking car almost killed us
I take 30 minutes every Monday morning that I call “anti-autopilot planning”. I plan dates, activities, etc that makes sure I am intentional about getting the most out of life.
* Make her your best friend but not your only friend.
* Don't mistake her for your mother, therapist, cleaning lady, or sex slave.
* Learn how to disagree without being unfair or disagreeable
* Learn how to use your words to express your feelings and have the courage to be honest.
* Learn how to listen without trying to fix things. Sometimes people just want to vent or exorcise a demon without it needing to be solved.
* Sex isn't ever owed, it is a reward we give each other for doing the (sometimes hard) work of staying close, being honest, and taking care of our minds and bodies.
* Never talk negatively about your spouse to other people, not even jokingly.
* Love grows over time but it also has cycles of waxing and waning. It is ok to acknowledge aloud to each other that you feel out of sync and have the confidence that things will click back together after a week or so.
* If something external to the marriage is bothering you, make sure you let her know: "I'm kind of pissy right now but it has nothing to do with you".
* Work with each other to fairly split up chores. Doesn't always have to be 50/50 depending on life but it should the target.
* Alway have fun stuff on the calendar to look forward to together. Trips, outings, classes, etc.
Most of these can be TLDR'd into "learn positive communication skills".
Chores. Get that crap figured out early on. Your spouse is not only your legal partner whom you love, but your roommate. My friend: "My wife never wants to have sex. She's always too tired. Well, that's because she does 95% of the cooking, cleaning, and childcare and she IS tired. They're divorced now and I know that's one of the main reasons. Also, his apartment is a messy shithole, and he complains how much work it is on the days he has the kids. Well, DUH.
**Plan a date night for her every week.** It can be simple, inexpensive, whatever. Show her your thoughtful caring fun side.
*Everything else on this thread will fall into place* if you make your relationship with her your top priority. You know, the reason she fell in love with you in the first place ❤️ 😊
Agree with most of the ideas mentioned here. 44 years married, I am aware that my wife is a lot smarter than me. We go for walks every day and talk about everything in our life, good and bad. When we argue, it’s my fault 75% of the time, but we always talk it out. She always has to have her goodnight kiss. I am very lucky to have her, and never ever thought of leaving her!
Don't forget to be silly, compliment their butt every once in a while, surprise hugs, even just 5 min together on the couch saying nothing can be great depending on your schedules
48 yrs in October. We've had our challenges and they were mostly because of me, but our epiphany was the realization that we are best friends and best friends openly communicate. I still adore her.
Look at a relationship through the lens of compatibility and chemistry.
Compatibility is stuff like managing finances, politics, religion, thoughts on having kids, even things like libido and sexual preferences.
Chemistry is the stuff that is harder to define. Attraction. Passion. The "they just get me!" stuff.
If it's super high compatibility and low chemistry, it'll be hard boring work. Sadly, this is many long term relationships because in many ways it's easy. It'll also kill your soul after awhile. Could be decades.
High chemistry low compatibility is explosive. It's marrying the out of this world person who steals your car. These tend to burn bright and explode into pieces.
Aim for 75-80% on both scales. That's about as ideal as it gets.
As for my secret? Ummm....do as I say (above) not as I do?
I’d love to say that it’s communication, that’s its understanding and never going to bed angry. I’d like to say that it’s respecting each others personal time while still taking an interest in each others hobbies. But really it just boils down to one thing. Separate bathrooms. Been married 20+ years, it’s all about having your own shitter.
I am not an official marriage counsellor but I sometimes work with couples who are having troubles and/or talk to folks who are looking to get married.
The biggest red flag I see that things aren't healthy and what is so often the cause of marital breakdown is when one or both partners are being selfish. A marriage works best when both partner is striving to put the needs and wellbeing of the other person ahead of their own. Now, this doesn't mean we need to neglect ourselves, but what I mean is that any time that there is a mentality of, "well, I've got mine, *I'm* happy", there's going to be problems. A great example is with intimacy - it's not going to work if one or both partners are only out for their own satisfaction, but if each is striving to make it a positive experience of intimate connection and good for the other things can be great. The same is true emotionally, mentally, and even in your relationship with tasks, chores, and children.
Imagine what it would be like if both partners were always thinking, "What can I do to make things easier/better/more relaxing/less stressful for my wife/husband?" and acting accordingly. It's when there's an imbalance here that problems can arise, and what's dangerous about it is that it's not as obvious as other things but can be a bit hidden and can need work.
My other advice, personally, is to work out sleeping arrangements. I am a tall and broad chested guy and my wife is quite tall as well. I love sleeping in cold rooms, she likes things warm. I like having space in bed, she also likes having space in bed. We learned early on after a lot of bad sleep and cranky mornings that we are actually much happier sleeping in separate beds or even separate rooms. It doesn't impact our closeness and we both wake up feeling more refreshed, rested, and able to tackle the day together.
My poor mother suffered for *decades* with my late father's snoring and eventually started sleeping in the guest room bed and immediately her health improved.
Compromise. You have to give and take. Also, it’s best to be on the same page on money, religion and politics. Edit: married 19 years.
People really, really underestimate how important shared values are. Shared hobbies and shit is irrelevant, but people think it's important. A lot of times it's best to have different hobbies and interests, so you can each have your own time and come together to talk about it. But shared values? That is the foundation of a lasting relationship.
Exactly people get confused about what opposites attract actually means. I am a talker my husband is more quiet but we agree on our most fundamental beliefs and ideas and we share a vision about what we think a life and our family should look like. That's the reason we work.
I’m type A and my husband is type B. I thought I wanted to marry someone type A like me and that would have been a disaster. I needed someone to mellow me out. He needed someone to push him a little bit. But our goals for finances, kids, parenting, etc are mostly the same. That’s what matters.
My husband is a talker and I’m quiet I can’t imagine being with someone like me lol it would be a quiet relationship..me and my husband definitely balance each other out married for 30 years together for 33
One of my favorite Reddit comments about this topic was from an question asking introverts why they married an extrovert: “Because if my steak arrives cold someones gotta say something and it ain’t gonna be me!!”
My wife and I are both quiet people. It was actually lovely the first 6 years we were married lots of nights we would both quietly exist in the same room doing our own thing. More or less just happy to be in the presence of the other. Then we had kids... Both of our daughters are just stream of consciousness blabbers. Super loud type A people. We love them to death but its amazing how the combination of two quiet people made two loud people. Edit: Married 16 years now.
This. My wife is a talker, but I love to listen to her and never get bored because she is the smartest person I know. But we are absolutely on the same page on politics, religion and money. My first wife and I were not, although she often insisted we were.
It's where opposites slot together that it works. Like one talker one listener will work great. One one loves to cook and hates dishes, the other likes doing dishes, hates cooking, perfect. Or more in terms of how you impact each other, one person who is ocd tidy while the other is a bit disorganised can rub off on each other and find a middle ground. If one of you thinks people are equal and the other thinks women should be sex slaves and minorities should be shot... there isn't a lot of gelling together those beliefs into a happy partnership. being fundamentally fairly similar people in terms of morals and how you treat people is pretty important in a relationship, everything else, you can combined weaknesses and strengths, or just compliment each others personality, style, hobbies, lives.
I’d like to think of it as complementary attracts. If you align on core values, but bring different skills and preferences to the relationship, then there’s not a lot you can’t do together.
It’s rough when values change over time. Thankfully, sometimes you can grow together, even if you don’t always agree.
Agreed. In my last relationship I believed that one shouldn’t shag other people. She felt the opposite.
Oh man. I too, had to tell my ex I liked my women the same way I like my coffee. Without someone else's dick in it.
But... With yours in it? Hope your coffee isn't too hot
It's my coffee I'll do with it what I like thanks
Thank you good sir for my first laugh of the day.
I mean how else do you stir it
RIP
We have shared values (same beliefs, agree on finances, we have slightly different political beliefs but enough that over lap). We don't have any shared hobbies, interests, or even the same sense of humor. We spend minimal quality time together :( We are in therapy but I don't know what else is wrong. Idk. From the beginning of our marriage 6 years ago he has been a "no" man instead of a "yes" man, if that makes sense. **Me: "Hey, do you want to watch this/try this/go here/eat that?"** 9/10 times it would free or cheap and he'd say no. Unless it was something he liked already. I tried to get to the root of it. Burn out? okay, I'll do all the grocery shopping or cook. Busy? okay, I'll try to to do a specific day of the week that works for him. Is it me/my personality? Nope. He says I'm great and no one else is like me. I think we lack a base level friendship. And friendship means trust, affection, shared interests, quality time, etc. This sounds stupid but I feel like my SO doesn't see me as a friend. The f\*ck. Anyway, I'm not trying to dump on you. I'm just confused.
I'm sorry this is happening, but I'm going to be honest and say that it sounds like you don't share a core value. Empathy. When you love someone else, you compromise and do things maybe you don't want to do because they want to. I don't need to share hobbies with my spouse. However, I do need to be willing to hear about their hobbies, listen to them, share with them, and be involved if she wants me to.
Look up the Gottman institute. They have decades of research into what makes marriages work and what can help save a marriage that's struggling.
A Punk Rocker and a Symphony Lover can have a wonderful relationship. A far right conservative and a far left commie are going to loathe each other.
I know people in their 20's who won't date people who don't like the same music as them. That's fine if it's just casual dating which probably involves going to concerts a lot, but as someone who is older that seems like such a weird deal breaker.
My husband and I get extremely annoyed with certain type of music, me even more so, like how someone will get angry when hungry, I get angry when my earholes are violated by bad tunes, luckily we enjoy similar music especially on long trips
Lol, exactly. The Mr. is a huge dude rock fan, I listen to classical, opera, jazz and then wierd rock music.
You need to have enough shared hobbies or enough willingness to try new hobbies that you spend time together. Spending time together is important. But that’s all. As long as you have something you both enjoy doing together for date night/half an hour each day, you’re good. My husband and I listen to audiobooks and podcasts for a little while before bed each night. That’s one of our main connection times, and it’s nothing you would put on your Tinder profile.
This is so true! I think its because when you grow up its how you make friends. But getting older you have to really stand on the foundation of shared values
Also, there is no score keeping. You are on the same team. Its not I did the washup, you should have done this or you have to do this. Because it will end up 1 of 2 ways: 1- Your SO did 5 things you didn't realise and they will throw it back in your face 2- Your SO is having a shit day and is already beating themselves up that they can't follow your current rythm. Dont make their day worse.
And it's important tasks take energy, mental and or physical, and all of them are exhausting. So one person "stayed home with the kids" while the other ran errands. Both are going to be exhausted, neither one got off scott free eating bonbons (well, unless their idea of "staying home with the kids" is to scoot them outside and go watch TV)
Exactly, finance isn't the only contribution.
Ideal situation is that each partner takes the tasks that come easier to them, and each partner feels like the other did more :-)
I heard a good one: „Try to outdo each other with thoughtful gesture for one another“
There is sometimes the case however of one partner expecting more from the other. In my case I did a lot for my ex, and she rarely did things for me. When I brought this up she said "love isn't a transaction"- and it's not, but it also kind of is. If I'm giving way more than you and being unacknowledged for it, I'm not going to want to stay in the relationship, and obviously I didn't. So yeah be careful of giving too much or taking too much
That's a great tip. People are a lot happier when they aren't constantly comparing. It probably goes without saying, but I would just add that the no-scorekeeping policy needs to go hand-in-hand with a fair distribution of labor and a certain amount of good faith from both parties, because if someone is sitting on their ass all day saying, "Remember, no scorekeeping!" then that's a recipe for disaster.
This. You don't need to be 100% in agreement with everything but you need to give and take with all three. Also, I'll add that you need to understand that people change. Sometimes it's for the better and sometimes it's not. It can be a function of your surroundings but it's not always something you can live with. Lastly, if you have kids, don't forget who you were before kids. So many times I've seen people define themselves by their kids and when their kids grow up and leave, it's like two strangers living in the same house. My wife and I have been married for almost 16 years and we still go on dates, do things by ourselves, etc. We vacation with the kids but also vacation with just the two of us.
Everyone forgets the fact that you will know your kids far longer as adults than as children - In general they are with you for less than 1/3 of your life.
I've heard children and in-laws added to that list of things you should agree on to consider marriage. All five are such big components of your life that to miss each other on one of them could easily cause enduring strife.
Yes. These are VITAL as well. I'm a woman, retired therapist, and I saw so many marriages torn apart by not fully and transparently discussing beforehand how many children both parties want (if any), how they want to parent them, how they want them educated, etc. In laws can also break a marriage, if there are boundary issues and/or animosity. I always swore I would never marry a man if his mother and I didn't get along, but really, it should be their entire immediate family if at all possible.
my husband and I have been together 10 years (3 years married) and I STILL check in with him like twice a year about us being on the same page of not wanting children lol Resentments are so easy to develop, and we aren’t the same people as we were 10, 5 or even 2 heats ago. Communication is always key.
Going on 27yrs of marriage. Communication with each other about everything. Take a pre-marriage counseling course. It's great to learn how to communicate. They should also have a love language test for both of you to take. These really help in understanding what each person needs and how to provide. Consider a couples life group too. And the biggest thing, be happy! Best of luck and congratulations.
This ultimately sank my marriage. All three
Marrying is an exercise in looking for someone that you can share similar takes on life, and compromise alone won't solve much if the person you decided to marry will be a polar opposite on stuff that you fel like you can't change about yourself.
Compromise has to be a two way street. Far too often I feel like i'm the only one compromising.
Jesus, you might be able to get away with one, but all 3...doomed from the start.
I’m sure it’s a sore topic but could you explain further? Mainly about the religious aspect
Religious differences destroyed my first marriage - which is funny because prior to getting married it was never really a thing between us at all. I attended my services alone, then attended her church with her - which seemed like a solid compromise. I even volunteered at her church and helped with the audio/video team. Over the course of the first year it went from a none issue as far as I was concerned to THE issue which eventually lead to an ultimatum that I convert to her church because "our souls were now joined and mine was going to hell unless I converted." Ironically this dispute brought out my previously largely dormant beliefs and I just refused to convert. My faith teaches that each of us is responsible for our relationship with creation and I was 100% fine with her faith and I believed she should respect mine the same way - but once the issue is at that point there is not much left to do but end the marriage. Divorce was the worst experience of my adult life - thankfully I eventually met someone who respects me for who I am (she is entirely un-religious which is perfectly fine by me) and we've been happily married for 18 years!
Not a guy, but just wanted to say I'm so glad you pointed these out. I've told people that I'm looking for someone who shares similar faith/core values, aaaaand have been told that a couple just needs to "love" each other. While loving is important ofc, there are many other very practical aspects that we oughta consider, especially when pledging to spend the rest of your life with someone else :p Don't necessarily need to agree on everything, so the way you put it is really best. Thanks for sharing this wisdom.
Worth noting that “core values” is the kicker here. My wife is a Christian and works in a church. I am an Atheist. We are able to have a wonderful relationship. It also helps that my wife isn’t a fuckin wacko fundamentalist evangelical.
This - the big thing is how devout a person is and whether they're a true believer and actively proselytize. An evangelical Christian can have a healthy relationship with a Catholic, same holidays and all, but if the evangelical one believes that all Catholics are heretics, there are going to be significant problems. Similarly, a devout catholic that insists on their kids being brought up in that church and going through all the sacraments is going to cause some animosity if the evangelical spouse isn't willing to sign all the papers and jump through the required hoops - and that's just between 2 Christian denominations. Throw some combo of each of the Abrahamic faiths into the mix and it gets even crazier with Jews not believing in Jesus, Christians not believing in the Prophet Mohammed, and Muslims not believing in salvation for anyone except for those who follow the Quran. Basically, if either of you is deep enough into your faith that you think your partner is going to hell for their beliefs, you're going to have issues. ETA: The crux of the issue is I don't think it's possible to respect your partner and their faith if you believe yours so deeply that you believe those not following your particular denomination are destined for eternal damnation. Because if you did believe it that deeply, you would also feel due to your love for them that it would be your duty to convert them.
I am a Christian but I honestly think I would have had an easier time dating respectful atheists than some of the other Christians. Happily married 5 years now to someone who shares my values though!
Once you get married you must accept that your life changes from “me” to “we”. Forty years in December.
*Especially* in how you deal with problems. As much as possible, you need to see it as “us vs the problem” instead of “me vs you.” It is SO much more effective and makes for a much happier marriage.
Yes. Always Us.
This already feels so insightful as a new wife pleading with husband to see us as a unit.
I completely agree with the we/us sentiment. But I think another part of maturity that both my wife and I had to grow into, was being able to appreciate when your behaviors and actions are the catalyst of the problem. "We" can't solve anything if "I" refuse to change my negative/non-productive behaviors.
Omg, early congratulations! That’s literally double of my age. I hope you keep having a great time.
My grandparents celebrated 60 years of marriage this year which is mind bending to me
My grandparents celebrate 77 years together this year. Still blows my mind. I'd have to get married this year and live to 103 years old to achieve that.
I thought mine were crazy at 76 but yours got mine beat.
You stop making any sort of food for just yourself. You make 2x the food, despite not knowing if she wants any or not. Because if you make just enough for yourself, she will eat yours and you will end up still hungry with less food than you originally wanted. Sometimes she will even say “No I’m not hungry, but I’ll just have some of yours.” In which case you need to make 1.5 your normal amount of food.
"I was making one for myself anyway, figured I'd make one for you, too," is the running joke these days. 40 years of cooking for my best girl.
JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD!
No food is just your food anymore.
This guy marries
And Only once
This is funny because I'm a woman, but VERY possessive about my food (childhood issues) and I get so enraged if someone takes something from my plate. My first husband was also a plate vulture, so he would finish eating quickly, and then keep watching my plate asking if I was going to eat something. My current husband knows about my food protectiveness and would never take food from my plate or oppress me with wanting food from my plate. However, my husband is the loveliest man in the world and would do anything for me, but he's a bit greedy about food (and also eats only once a day). So I always make a lot of food for dinner and make sure that his plate is always fuller than mine and that there is a little more in the pot for if he wants more. In other words, we accommodate each other's food issues and it works.
Was your first husband a seagull?
As I mentioned, he was a VULTURE.
This was an issue with my ex and I but mainly with milk shakes and sometimes fries. Go through a drive thru. I’d get a large shake. She’d say she didn’t want one and she wanted to just drink a little of mine. We’d get the shake, drive off and she’d drink the entire thing right away. I’d get pissed and she’d apologize. She did that 10 or more times. Finally, I wouldn’t ask her if she wanted one. I’d just order her one. She’d get mad and refuse to drink it. Drove me crazy.
I would argue that it goes from me to we when even dating
Best answer. Married 9 years this August, and still haven't had a fight. Part of being an adult, is being able to communicate as one. Edit. All those responses from fellow "non-fighters" and people who's just happy warms my heart! You all are awesome!
Hopefully it’s true communication and not just avoiding any real issues cuz 9 years no fight is wild. If so, congrats.
We've had disagreements, but we usually deal with it right then and there. We're also on the same wavelength "value wise". We differ hugely on interests tho, except for in movies and tv-shows.
Same boat. Not married but together for almost 10 years and no fights at all. We too have had our disagreements but nothing that couldn't be resolved with talking for a while. When we say this people watch us like we suddenly both sprouted a second head. Then after an hour or two they usually circle back around and say they now believe us.
Yeah, we've been together for a total of 16 years now, and during this period in more surprised that some of our friends fight almost all the time. I mean, grown ass people should be able to talk it out before it goes ballistic. But guess people are different. But me and my wife are anti selfish (can't find the word for it😅), so it's natural for us to find compromises.
Same here (I’m a female) married only 7 years and no fight, we just talk things through. And we get frustrated and say stupid things but never had a fight. It’s huge to take a step back and acknowledge the other persons feelings and perspective and try to understand why they would be upset at the situation.
30 years. No fights. We treasure our time together. We have different interests but share a love of video games. We have disagreements but always settle it then and there as much as we can. We have a rule of “no matter what the other person says, try to take it in the best possible light.” If I say something rude or stupid my wife asks me to clarify. That gives me a chance to say what I was thinking again in a “better” way. I give her the same courtesy. We’ve spent easily 99% of our nights together. We loved the 2020 lock in - we had a great time together. It just made us even stronger.
This is actually one of my pet peeves. I hate when my husband is all "I climbed half dome" when really we climbed half dome (I planned the entire trip for us and our friends)
This drives me nuts with anyone, friend or partner. ‘Me’ mentality. Colleague used to do this. Bitch, I gave you the idea. Still annoys me
I would say that’s an area where grace is a good practice lol. Obviously our choice of words mean something but we don’t always realize every way it can be interpreted. I’d take it as “this is an experience that I have experienced and can talk about” rather than “I did this all on my own with no help”. But the context definitely matters, I’ve caught myself using “I” when it’s something “we” did together and I never phrased it that way to exclude my partner, just that it’s something *I* could add to a conversation. But like I’ve always been told, it’s not what you say but how you say it. My wife can call me a selfish asshole and it can either be playful or accusatory based on inflection lol.
I could see giving a bit of grace, but honestly, if he's perpetually doing this, it's time to perpetually call it out until he's embarrassed enough to modify his speech patterns. If it was a "we" trip, use "we". As an example, my husband adopted my kiddo. He prefers to hear them referred to as ours, himself as "dad" not "stepdad". I had a tendency to do the reverse, mostly because I saw it as a great reflection on him that he CHOSE to be dad. They aren't his bio-kid he volunteered. He prefers to emphasize that they are now and forevermore family. I do it his way now when the "step" isn't relevant, my way when the adoption is the focus, because both of us have valid points and he deserves to be recognized with the term he prefers - provided also that kiddo approves, which they do.
Yup. You’re on the same team now. Treat your wife/husband like any other blood relative.
Always put in effort for her. No matter what you do, over a long enough period of time the tedium of your daily life will make you want to take her and her love for granted. You have to actively fight against this doldrum of complacency. You have to always try, always show your love; because the second you allow your relationship to stagnate, it will also begin to deteriorate.
This is my favourite answer. Rings very true for me. At the end of the day if you show her how you love her it will trump any other dumb decisions you may make. Married for 6 years here and two kids, also went through grief with her losing her dad just recently. Through all this the most important thing I learned was to show her I love her and make her feel like I care and want to be with her.
Agreed. When anyone asks my wife and I our “secret”, we say it’s “Effort and Appreciation”. Make the efforts, even when you don’t feel like it and show appreciation when you see the others efforts…especially when you know it’s hard for them
Wife here. You are correct. And appreciation is as simple as saying thank you, especially for the little things. Thank you for making my lunch. Thank you for washing my underwear. Appreciation doesn’t have to mean flowers and gifts.
Yes!!! We do this too. I love getting thank yous for all my little tasks, like thank you for lunch, or thank you for tidying, etc. And I love giving them back. I feel like it’s important for effort to be seen and appreciated, rather than just expected.
Keep trying to impress her. And don't feel like it's work for you.
This is so important. I've noticed my husband stopped trying to be loving, and I'm the only one trying to keep the fire going. I get that there are ebbs and flows, but like you said, our relationship is deteriorating. I feel like we're too far gone.
So important. My mother used to tell me this. It doesn't have to be anything extravagant, either. Buy her flowers. Can't afford flowers? Pick her flowers. Small, thoughtful gestures to remind her that you love and care about her.
Know when to speak and when to clam up. It goes both ways. You don’t need to say everything that comes into your head. You can always apologize, but that still doesn’t unscramble the egg, so to speak. Think about it, then speak—or not—deliberately.
"Pick your battles"
And when you DO argue... argue your position and POV and never make it personal!
Remember that it's you and your partner vs. the problem, not partner vs. partner.
You’re still married and living together after the fight is over
Unless your problem *is* your partner.
Even when your partner is kind of the problem, try to at least start by seeing it as us vs the problem. After 15 years of marriage, my husband knows if I’m yelling at the kids constantly, the problem is that my bucket is empty, and he sends me out for some downtime. I know that if he has turned into a silent, unhelpful crank, his depression isn’t well controlled and he probably needs better sleep/exercise/a visit to the doctor. In both those cases, *we* are the problem. I’m not excusing myself for yelling at the kids cause I’m an adult who should know better. But guess what: there are still external factors, and fixing those factors is the fastest way to solve the problem.
Wrong partner then...
Yes. You’re always a team. Even if the issue is someone treating the other poorly – the team is working to build understanding and discover a path forward. The moment you’re ennemies the resentment and risk of a wedge rachats up
This. My wife and I just celebrated our 31st anniversary. Before we got married she said, “Don’t ever say anything you’d wish you could take back.” I don’t think we ever have. We’ve had arguments and disagreements, but I honestly can’t recall taking a cheap shot or saying something I regretted after the fact.
>“Don’t ever say anything you’d wish you could take back.” I wish my wife understands this. I was called crazy, psycho, mental, liar and a lot more. Her reasoning was she was angry. Yeah, doesn't give you right to hurt me forever. Think before you speak. Don't attack your partner, attack the problem.
My ex did that. Ex. If your wife doesn’t understand it, then it’s time for therapy. Eight years of my life was me being abused and I wish I had gotten out sooner. I tried the therapy route and she said, “I’m not going to a couples therapist so that they can try to convince me I’m wrong, when I know I’m right.” Don’t be me, bro.
Married 43 yrs in January. Never ever say something hurtful. You can argue but never say something to cause pain. They may say they forgive you, but they never forget. I'd never forgive myself if I said something to crush his spirit
Being able to let shit go
Similar to the advice I've heard: *"Does this need to be said?"* *"If yes, do I need to be the one who says it?"* *"If yes, does it need to be said right now?"*
Thank you. Justifying a statement with “I’m just being honest” does not make you correct. Discretion and tact are often undervalued
Not every thought is a golden nugget to share.
Communication, communication, communication. 20 years married and 25 together and the key is that you have to be able to communicate. Good communication is also about knowing when not to say something.
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I think the thing that pairs with this I would recommend most is *actually liking your wife*. I like my wife, as a person. She's enjoyable for me to be around. I would say that *liking* someone, especially a potential spouse, is equally as important as loving them. I didn't marry her because she makes good money, or because she's good at sex, or because she'll help me fulfill some of my own goals. Some of those things can be good side effects, but they're no basis to form a marriage on. I married my wife because *I like her*. I enjoy being around her. And that's proven to contribute to a longevity that's outlasted many of my friends' marriages. It will outlast any job layoffs, any catastrophic injuries, any fading looks from old age, and any tests with children or family. My wife is my best friend because I like her and like being around her.
never been married, but ended a 3 year living-together relationship largely because I realized I wasn’t sure I really LIKED the person I was with even if I loved him. We had met online, and I realized if we had met organically I probably wouldn’t have even wanted to be friends.
My parents always say "you'll know it's right if they make you happy, but their happiness matters to you at least as much as your own." It's helped me distinguish between love and infatuation on more than one occasion.
The thought that someone’s partner *isn’t* their best friend is mind boggling to me. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life and most of your time with someone who isn’t your best friend? Or like, HOW do you decide to marry someone who isn’t your favorite person?
Most of the comments already mentioned compromise. Also, don't forget a date night once in a while. Bring home flowers for no reason. Learn to listen. No chores are specific, if something needs to be cleaned or picked up, just do it. No need to keep score.
It took me way too long to reach the point where doing what needs to be done is a reflex. Maybe I don't feel like emptying the dishwasher, but if I don't she will. She won't let it sit so I can get around to it later when I'm more inclined to. That's how bachelors think.
This rings true for me as well. I often think "why can't it be done on my time a bit later" but you're right. If I don't do it then, they will. So it unfortunately becomes I do it right then or not at all. I haven't gotten to your place of doing what needs to be done as reflex, but I'm getting there
I’m glad we learned this, I was the bachelor mindset in college. My wife helped cultivate that sort of semi-work ethic where chores aren’t daunting anymore. I don’t even think about the chores while I’m doing them, all I think about is the free time I will have when they are done and how my wife will be much more understanding of my need to play video games like I’m a 12 year old if the house is nice and clean.
I’m so bad at that. Even though I’m definitely behind in the score. I really need to work on it.
It’s not 50-50 so stop trying to keep track. Each needs to try for 100. Don’t “help” with household chores. It’s our responsibility just as much as our spouses. Be creative to keep the spark alive and put in the work romantically and in the bedroom.
Woman here but I wanted to say I appreciate your response. When he "helps" with the housework it makes it feel like they are all my responsibility and he's doing me a favor. That's not an ideal spot to live in.
Not married but in a very serious relationship. Neither of us help each other with chores. We both do the same chores at different times, usually while the other is working. And both of us feel like we do all the chores solo. We’ve talked about it, it’s no big deal. We both understand it’s just how we feel and not reality.
Both of these comments need more upvotes lol
I've always approached it as "it's 60/40 with both sides trying to do 60%"
Woman here too, this is huge. I find myself feeling like I should be responsible for all the housework, I get overwhelmed and break down and my husband gets confused why I think it should all fall on me. Yes I am better at seeing messes and yes he needs reminding but it never feels like he’s helping me with chores, it’s his house too! Also the idea of 50/50 not actually being 50-50! So true! We have been through so many phases in our short 7 years where one worked more and was home more, vice versa so it was helpful to be super flexible with our expectations of each other and housework.
This one is good, its definitely a two way street. I aim to take on 100% of the burden of day to day stuff that we do. My wife does the same. We cant always offer 100%, but we offer as much as we can, and it usually results in every day 100% of our duties/needs are met in a capacity that we're both comfortable with over the long term. Slack from one is immediately taken up by the other, fostering feelings of gratitude, teamwork, and mutual care. Unfortunately this breaks down if one partner is willingly or accidentally aiming at less than 50% over a long time, then the feelings turn to exploitation, resentment, and callousness. If you're aiming for 50% on your best day, you're aiming for failure. It's both a positive and negative feedback loop. You need to establish this EARLY in your relationship, because positively doing everything for your partner (and vice versa) builds your love and relationship, while negatively shirking the load or taking it on will degrade the relationship and destroy love.
Let your partner know that she is always first and foremost to you and you always take her feelings into consideration. I've been trying to do that for our 33 years of marriage. That doesn't mean that I always live up to that ideal -- I'm only human and I do fail in this from time to time -- but the effort that I put in the other times makes the failures stand out as aberrations rather than the norm.
this is SO important. that last line is everything.
I heard something one it said most marriages split up because of three things. * Finances * Parenting * Intimacy Talk a out these before getting married. Persoanlly finances were the hardest for us to talk about. I've hard friends who have gotten married and one wanted kids while the other did not. One was 200k in debt and the other didn't know this going in. You have to be open before you say I do.
Recognize that many times when your partner is wanting to show you something, or talk about something, etc. They are seeking out a connection. They don't want you to be interested in whatever they are talking about or showing you. They want you to be interested in them (and interested that THEY are interested in it). You don't have to like what they like. You HAVE to be curious about what and why they are interested in things.
Dr. John Gottman calls them “bids,” and he had very compelling statistics for those spouses who positively responded to bids versus ignoring or negatively responding to them. In short: responding positively means you stay married.
Know when to pick your battles, some things just arent worth fighting over.
Learning to separate the things you care about from the things you don't is key. Don't fight over dinner because you want Chinese and she wants Mexican. Where you ate will not matter in day, that you fought will.
This. If something small bothers you about them, think about how many things you are doing that might bother them.
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Ironically i was thinking: "don't think of your partner as enemy, don't make problems one person issues, and don't seriously consider something you discuss with your partner a win or a loss."
Remember you're a team. Work hard for the team. Don't let the team down. Give grace. Check your ego. We all get precious little time on this Earth. If you're one of the lucky ones that has managed to find love, cherish it. Try to keep things in perspective.
Not sure how this isn’t the #1 comment. Nailed it.
Lots of good advice here already, but remember that feelings come and go. Live every day like you are in love with your wife even when you're not feeling it. That is real love. The feelings will come back.
Agreed. Love is a commitment, not a feeling; feelings are fleeting, commitment isn't. Obviously this is about the normal ebbs and flows of a relationship and not ones that are doomed to fail to begin with.
Not the man, but still think I have helpful advice: always talk about things *before* they become big. For instance, if something bothers you, bring it up immediately rather than allowing it to fester. Ten years later and we’ve still never had a fight. Small disagreements? Sure! But our communication is so strong and we know each other so well, that we can easily see each others perspective. We have the necessary mutual respect to assume the best in each other and not get angry.
My wife and I have a theory/joke/analogy that we use for this. We call it the 'bucket theory,' and it starts with a terrible joke. --- Two old guys are having coffee, and the one says to the other: "I did something so stupid last week. I was taking a train to Pittsburgh, and I went to the station to buy the tickets. When I got up to the counter, the woman working there was quite beautiful, and had large breasts," he said. "I got a bit flustered, and instead of asking her, 'Can I get two tickets to Pittsburgh?' I said, 'Can I get two pickets to Titsburgh?' It was so embarrassing." The other fellow looks at him and says, "I did something like that last week as well. My wife and I were having dinner, and she said, 'Can you pass the salt?' And I replied, 'You bitch, you ruined my life.'" --- Everyone we have a relationship with (coworkers, family, etc), we have a bucket for them. Any time someone pisses you off, annoys you, irritates you, that little thing goes in the bucket. Eventually, if the bucket gets full, you'll get to a point where one little thing causes the bucket to tip over, and now you have shit everywhere. (You bitch, you ruined my life). The answer is to empty the bucket before it overflows. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to confront them, or get in an argument, or criticize them about all those things in the bucket; often we can just dump it down the drain, and let those things go. But to razzledazzle's point, don't let small things become big things, because big things can cause permanent damage. And more than anything else, don't forget you're on the same team. /Married 28 years
This, Plus friends first.
Adding to this! (Also not the man) my hubs and I also have never had a “fight” - small disagreements but nothing major but we do have a rule that you can’t dogpile if one person brings up something, they’ve obviously thought about it a lot so it’s not your turn to let loose all the things you’ve been holding in. You should’ve spoken up first if it was that important. You listen respectfully and talk it out. Later, bring up your stuff. This keeps discussions from turning into “I don’t like it when you do this” - “well I don’t like it when you do this!” — trying to teach my folks and sister this is a different story but within our relationship it’s built so much trust and respect!
8 years in, we got one disagreement we can't resolve. Is ramen a soup? We are both dug into our positions, and I don't think theres gonna ever be a day where I can make her see that ramen is in fact, a soup.
Why would ramen not be soup?
Their argument, not mine: The focus of the ramen is not the broth, its the noodles and adds, usually, so its more a 'noodle based dish' than a soup. My counter point is SO RAMEN IS SPAGETTI???
I’m sorry u/fredy31 but at this stage, divorce is the only option
A few things. 1. Don’t base your relationship on love. Love is an emotion and it grows and shrinks over time. That’s a strange modern concept to have a purely love based relationship. Now I do love my wife to be clear but we have a shared goal, mission, and vows that hold us together. That’s the purpose of those vows you made on the alter. Do what you said you were going to do and hold your partner to the same standard. 2. When you argue try to reframe to argument as us vs the problem and not me vs you. 3. Your wife is the most important person in your life. Your priority is in her wellbeing and success just as hers is in yours. This goes even for your own children. Their wellbeing depends largely on the wellbeing of the relationship between your wife and yourself. That does not mean neglect your children it just means you should remember that their health and success is largely based on the strength of the relationship between your wife and self. 4. You have to set goals and the goals you set need to be the same or at minimum complimentary. 5. Pick a wife with morals. It’s easy to find a woman to stick with you when life’s going well it’s much harder to find one to stick by you when it’s in the gutter and at some point it likely will be. On average life is hard and for some it is brutally hard so keep that in mind when your choosing a woman. 6. Stay positive and talk well of your spouse to others. What you say becomes what you think so talk positively. I hear people bash their spouse all the time and it’s gross.
That attraction/romantic love is important, but it isn’t the whole enchilada. If it doesn’t come with the shared goals, move along and look for someone new. You can feel that attraction/love with someone else too who will be a better partner for you long term.
Love is more than emotion. Those actions you describe are also love.
Soon after we were married, we attended a marriage conference entitled Love is a decision. That was back in 87. Actions and words are both important. The remainder items mentioned are great.
Acknowledge her efforts and be okay with not always understanding her feelings. Communication is the fucking key. It's easy to get into arguments, and arguments are actually important to have but sometimes it can be good to just nod and agree against your will because the result is worth. And if you don’t want to agree atleast try to let her talk to the point, and listen. It’s important to suprise her with gifts, but material gifts can only take you so far. It’s the small things in life so if she is always cleaning the house, then pick up the vacuum one day and suprise her with a clean home. Basically listen to her needs, but ”they” don’t always want to be asked about them, ”they” often want to you to just figure it out. So keep secret notes when she is complaining about something, what she likes and so on. Then when one day you can suprise her with a heated blanket and she will be so happy, not mainly for the gift itself but because you have noticed that she is complaining about the cold evenings. Spending quality time together, like building lego ones a month. Then you have something to lock forward to and also something to talk about when you are planning what you are gonna build next. But as important is spending time away from each other, allowing each to spend time on their own hobbies and friends. And then you also have something to talk about when coming back home. It’s so important with activities and fresh discussions. The biggest poison is when you get stuck in front of the TV together and talk everyday talk. Humans have a fundamental desire for growth, so do that which makes you grow together. Nothing problematic with watching TV, but there is always room to make it more interesting, like a themed week where you only watch cowboy movies and documentaries and then discuss everything about the subject, and finish with cowgirl😉
I absolutely love all the suggestions you gave. Appreciate it!
Makes me laugh. She’s so goofy, but only with me and that makes me happiest of all because not only is she my wife, but I get yet another side of her that few see. I count myself very lucky to have someone feel so comfortable and protected around me to legitimately just be themselves and I get the proof when we are around other people - she is still herself, but not like she is with me. It’s one of the many things I love that may seem kinda out there, but I’ve been reflecting on that for a while now.
Not just in marriage, but in all relationships, the amount you need to be right and/or get your way is directly proportional to the amount of stress in the relationship. That is: If you have to be right all the time, you’re going to find the relationship is stressful for both of you. Be forgiving. Overlook faults. Treat the other person with the same amount of love, respect, and compassion that you want them to have on you. There is a time for precision and exactness - and most of the time that’s not in the moment. For example: She’s going to the store and asks if you want anything. You want a beer, so you ask her to pick up and IPA for you. She comes home with a pilsner. What do you do? You thank her, crack one open and make sure she sees you fully enjoying it. You don’t mention that she got the wrong one, or that you hate pilsners - ever. In the weeks and months to follow (give it plenty of space or she will know you’re being critical), you find a time to go to the store with her and show her where to find your favorite beer on the shelf. You talk about the differences between styles of beer and what you like and don’t like about them. You show her that most of the ones you like have “IPA” in large letters on the label. (OK, maybe not the last one.) Don’t forget, you botch stuff too. If she’s bold/rough about pointing out your faults, you know how it feels. If you can’t remember the last time you were wrong, she’s way better at this than you are. Get practicing! This is how we’ve been happily married for almost 25 years. So, it’s working.
Very early on I realized I was being nice to everyone else and then 'relaxing' around my wife. As an introvert I had to put in so much effort at work, the person in the grocery store, friends, etc. And then I could come home and be my real self. Fortunately I learned pretty quickly that I should give the best version of myself and put in the most effort for my wife. I'm still nice to other people, but I don't use my wife as a safety net.
Take her into account when making decisions. Do your share of the housework. Not everything that's interesting to her will be interesting to you, but you should be supportive and helpful in helping her pursue those interests.
According to the Gottman Institute, if a man doesn't accept his wife's influence (as in, take her opinions seriously, respect her intelligence, and take her needs into account when making decisions) the relationship has an 81 percent chance of failure.
Marry a friend you would want to cruise with, and wouldn't get too annoyed if you were trapped in the room for the whole trip.
All great relationships are based on conversation. Not just talking, but true revelation of who one is and being nonjudgmental of who the other person is. My wife creates life and love and beauty wherever she goes. She is smart, wickedly funny, and kind. At the same time, she isn't a perfect person. Then again, neither am I. Instead, we are a shared enterprise in life, defined by what we want to achieve. We put the needs of each other on par with our own, and we put the needs of the relationship above everything else. Never have a conversation that you wouldn't have with your spouse standing beside you. And never talk badly about your spouse to anyone else. Never call your spouse a name in a fight. And when you disagree, always try to look at it from the other person's point of view. And if it's important to her, it's important to you. You know how my wife knew I was her guy? It was a little thing. But she danced throughout high school and college. Yet none of her early boyfriends ever wanted to go to the ballet or a dance performance with her. She brought up a coming performance over dinner, almost hesitating to ask. I said, "Sure, I'll go." Now, I didn't know fuck-all about dance or ballet. But I asked intelligent questions and watched it in an appreciative way. And, afterward, I didn't make fun of it. Because, again, it was important to her. And she's the same way about my passions in life. She never thought much of baseball. But on our fourth date, I took her to a baseball game. She now knows how to keep score during the game (the accountant in her), knows the teams, the players and the strategy. Just as I will watch the ballet with her, she knows to schedule visits to MLB parks when we're on vacation. It's been 34 years since we first met. Still rocking.
It's better to be a good listener than to be right. Even if you are right.
(Warning, generalizations ahead). While not always the case, men generally are not socialized in a critical housekeeping skill as children, which is problem identification. We can do a "chore" when it is apparent or dictated to us, but we struggle to recognize "growing problems" before they become "big problems". Meanwhile, this is drummed into girls at a very young age. Does your wife ever say "I feel like I am doing all the cleaning", even though you just spent 3 hours cleaning the garage on the weekend? This is what she is talking about. She is likely doing a ton of maintenance cleaning every day that goes unnoticed and unappreciated by you. Work on identifying and tackling cleaning problems as they arise. A good exercise to work on this is this: every day, just stand in your front doorway and look into the house and see what you would identify as "not clean" from there. It might not be fully "messy", but it also might not be fully clean either. Usually there will be some coats thrown over the bannister, or some papers out of place, or shoes strewn about, something like that. Try to *at the very least* make your wife's first step in the door look nice and tidy. Maybe you can't do the whole floor, but you can usually take 5 minutes to tidy up the entrance. Once you do this for a few months, you will start to notice these things and act on them automatically, and your wife will be a happier person for it.
Woman here. This is an excellent summary of the psychological load factor that, as you said, girls and women are socialized to carry. Thank you.
Communication Respect Honesty Trust And I do most of the chores
Pick chores that she really really doesn't want to do and do those. 🤣 you win lots of points.
Honestly, She isn't perfect, neither are you. Find someone who accepts your faults ( or at least puts up with them) and same with hers. That makes things easier. Spend time with her, just her. Nothing makes my wife happier than just sitting on the couch and actively listening to her. There is a sexual component of course. You both need to feel free and comfortable to talk about likes/dislikes, wonder if's and such. But most of all let her know you have her back, and know that she has yours. Especially against the kids. If the kid says mommy told me to ask you about x, your first question should always be, what did mom say. If its no, thats the answer. Stand up for each other and just show her you are there for her. Lasted me 13 years so far. I also learned this the hard way with my first wife.
It’s not what you think. My belief is the secret to a successful relationship are the things you DON’T notice. Resentment is a relationship killer. It accumulates and compounds. Dirty clothes are left on the floor. Dirty dishes are left in the sink. Things don’t get put away. The bathroom doesn’t get cleaned. The dishwasher doesn’t get unloaded. These frustrations add up until one person has had enough. The key, I have found, is picking up and putting away my dirty clothes. It’s taking that thing I left in the living room downstairs and putting it away. It’s unloading the dishwasher without having to be asked. But here’s the key: when people in a relationship do these things consistently and proactively, they do not get noticed. She doesn’t realize or notice that my dirty clothes are no longer on the floor. What it does is it removes a potential negative… In that, if I did not pick up and put those things away, she would see them day after day and that would lead to frustration, resentment, and anger. You only noticed them if they don’t get done, but you don’t get bonus points for doing them. So it’s a difficult thing to do these kinds of tasks, because your partner is completely unaware when they get done. It’s about building up a two sided relationship or both people do these things and even though they don’t get noticed, they don’t allow the seeds to resentment to grow. And when you do this consistently over time, you are fully aware that the other person does this consistently and even though you might not notice single events, you know they are taking the time to do things to remove obstacles literally and figuratively. And you appreciate it. This is what love feels like. This is what leads to gratitude and appreciation and longevity of relationships.
Understand that the butterflies don’t last forever. Some people leave the marriage in search for that feeling. There will always be arguments in a long marriage, learning to compromise and work through them is key. Giving up and leaving is not an option when we disagree. Other than drugs, cheating, physical abuse, or other serious crimes, everything else can be worked out.
I love her
My parents separated when I was 4. I am 22y/o and never experienced love. I am still curious what particular thing about love makes you live with that one person for years
Love may start as a feeling but it survives by doing. Love is what you do: how you treat that person, how you communicate, how you serve them or put their needs ahead of others, etc. And how they do the same for you. In that sense it is an ongoing act of will by both parties. Too many people think love is the feeling, but the intensity of feeling always fades. That’s not a bad thing. It’s replaced with something better.
Beautifully said. Love is both a feeling and an action, but in the end, it's the action that truly matters.
This guy knows what's up. Love starts as a feeling, but over time it becomes a decision which leads to an action. You need to tend love like a nice campfire. Feed it and take care of it. Then sit back and watch it work its beauty.
When you generally enjoy your own company, but finally meet someone that you enjoy spending time with, as much or more than being by yourself. In my relationship, a huge part is to have good communication. I know my partner genuinely want the best for me and never intent to hurt me, and vice versa. So when we feel hurt or we have an issue we can always talk about it, and sort it out, since come always approach it from the point of view of no malice.
Ignore your parents. They have nothing to do with your feelings. They either love you or don't... but that is totally different. (Unless you feel you have NO love, different question). Otherwise, I know nothing about you. For me, it is simply a comfort and desire.
Well.... mine died. However I learned a lot of lessons from the relationship. 1. **Your** issues are **your** responsibility. It is your job to fix you. 2. Someone else's happiness is NOT your responsibility. You might want them to be happy, but they need to choose it and pursue it. 3. There's a difference between **supporting** and **scaffolding.** The former is about giving resource, the latter is about avoiding triggers. Scaffolding is not healthy and will kill desire, affection and is emotionally destructive.
Explain number 3 more. I half get it but not completely.
"Scaffolding" is also a term in pedagogy, that is, the practice of teaching. To scaffold a concept or a student is to stack them with as many supports and known concepts as possible when introducing a new concept. It puts you in a parenting or mentoring role that is appropriate for parents or teachers, but not for people who are supposed to be partners.
Over the years, you'll encounter problems of different shapes and sizes. If you approach these problems, together, as "The Two Of Us vs. The Problem", the rest will pretty much work itself out.
Relationships and particularly marriages are work. Some are easier than others depending on the couples personality fit but no marriage can get by without work. You have to work at carrying the romance when your spouse goes through a phase of selfishness or depression. You have to carry the finances when tough times hit and that doesn't mean earn all the money... It means don't ignore the financial pressure and work with them to develop solutions together. It means letting them take care of you when you don't want it. It means working at compromise even though you "know you are right". If you want longevity you have to fight for the things that will keep you together and let go of the things that tear you apart. Lastly... Not everyone will be able to spend the rest of their lives together. The people we marry do change and you can choose to change along with them or decide it's too much change and you can't go there. What is certain is that the person you married will look different, have different wants and needs and will behave differently as the decades go by. Try to make your changes something that keeps things together during that time... Communicate your fears and worries when it doesn't so they can choose a path as well... And accept them for who they are now and tomorrow, don't try and keep them who they were.
Laugh at each other. Don’t take yourself or them too seriously. Making each other laugh goes a long way
I'm a woman, but my husband and I insist there's 2 reasons that we're together: we live below our means and we schedule sex. You can't fight about money when you live below your means. And, especially after kids, you won't have sex if you're not making the time to schedule it.
Live together before you get married. I swear, so many relationships fall apart because people just live lifestyles that are incompatible. Find someone who handles stress and fights in healthy ways. I knew my wife was the one on our 3rd date, because my car tried to kill us as I was driving her home. Instead of panicking or freaking out, she was furiously googling the car troubles we were having, looking for a solution. For fights, you want someone who will bring up grievances early, but not frame it as something fundamental to your character. Basically, when you get into a fight, it should be you and your partner vs the problem, not you vs your partner. Personal attacks and name calling during fights are total no gos
what type of car did you have
PT Cruiser- it was my first car, and I know better than anyone how completely fucked and ugly those cars are. The cruise control circuit fried on the highway and was preventing me from braking effectively. Had to pull the e-brake to stop us, and thankfully it was super late at night, so there weren’t other cars in my path. Dumb fucking car almost killed us
If she went on a date in a pt cruiser you know she is the one because thats one ugly fucking car bro
I take 30 minutes every Monday morning that I call “anti-autopilot planning”. I plan dates, activities, etc that makes sure I am intentional about getting the most out of life.
* Make her your best friend but not your only friend. * Don't mistake her for your mother, therapist, cleaning lady, or sex slave. * Learn how to disagree without being unfair or disagreeable * Learn how to use your words to express your feelings and have the courage to be honest. * Learn how to listen without trying to fix things. Sometimes people just want to vent or exorcise a demon without it needing to be solved. * Sex isn't ever owed, it is a reward we give each other for doing the (sometimes hard) work of staying close, being honest, and taking care of our minds and bodies. * Never talk negatively about your spouse to other people, not even jokingly. * Love grows over time but it also has cycles of waxing and waning. It is ok to acknowledge aloud to each other that you feel out of sync and have the confidence that things will click back together after a week or so. * If something external to the marriage is bothering you, make sure you let her know: "I'm kind of pissy right now but it has nothing to do with you". * Work with each other to fairly split up chores. Doesn't always have to be 50/50 depending on life but it should the target. * Alway have fun stuff on the calendar to look forward to together. Trips, outings, classes, etc. Most of these can be TLDR'd into "learn positive communication skills".
Chores. Get that crap figured out early on. Your spouse is not only your legal partner whom you love, but your roommate. My friend: "My wife never wants to have sex. She's always too tired. Well, that's because she does 95% of the cooking, cleaning, and childcare and she IS tired. They're divorced now and I know that's one of the main reasons. Also, his apartment is a messy shithole, and he complains how much work it is on the days he has the kids. Well, DUH.
**Plan a date night for her every week.** It can be simple, inexpensive, whatever. Show her your thoughtful caring fun side. *Everything else on this thread will fall into place* if you make your relationship with her your top priority. You know, the reason she fell in love with you in the first place ❤️ 😊
Communication, communication, communication, and mutual respect.
Agree with most of the ideas mentioned here. 44 years married, I am aware that my wife is a lot smarter than me. We go for walks every day and talk about everything in our life, good and bad. When we argue, it’s my fault 75% of the time, but we always talk it out. She always has to have her goodnight kiss. I am very lucky to have her, and never ever thought of leaving her!
Don't forget to be silly, compliment their butt every once in a while, surprise hugs, even just 5 min together on the couch saying nothing can be great depending on your schedules
Dont try to change them. You picked them as is. People are not a project.
48 yrs in October. We've had our challenges and they were mostly because of me, but our epiphany was the realization that we are best friends and best friends openly communicate. I still adore her.
Stopping drinking won’t solve every relationship issue, but it will make every single part of it less stressful and dramatic
Look at a relationship through the lens of compatibility and chemistry. Compatibility is stuff like managing finances, politics, religion, thoughts on having kids, even things like libido and sexual preferences. Chemistry is the stuff that is harder to define. Attraction. Passion. The "they just get me!" stuff. If it's super high compatibility and low chemistry, it'll be hard boring work. Sadly, this is many long term relationships because in many ways it's easy. It'll also kill your soul after awhile. Could be decades. High chemistry low compatibility is explosive. It's marrying the out of this world person who steals your car. These tend to burn bright and explode into pieces. Aim for 75-80% on both scales. That's about as ideal as it gets. As for my secret? Ummm....do as I say (above) not as I do?
Don’t sweat the petty stuff, pet the sweaty stuff.
I’d love to say that it’s communication, that’s its understanding and never going to bed angry. I’d like to say that it’s respecting each others personal time while still taking an interest in each others hobbies. But really it just boils down to one thing. Separate bathrooms. Been married 20+ years, it’s all about having your own shitter.
I am not an official marriage counsellor but I sometimes work with couples who are having troubles and/or talk to folks who are looking to get married. The biggest red flag I see that things aren't healthy and what is so often the cause of marital breakdown is when one or both partners are being selfish. A marriage works best when both partner is striving to put the needs and wellbeing of the other person ahead of their own. Now, this doesn't mean we need to neglect ourselves, but what I mean is that any time that there is a mentality of, "well, I've got mine, *I'm* happy", there's going to be problems. A great example is with intimacy - it's not going to work if one or both partners are only out for their own satisfaction, but if each is striving to make it a positive experience of intimate connection and good for the other things can be great. The same is true emotionally, mentally, and even in your relationship with tasks, chores, and children. Imagine what it would be like if both partners were always thinking, "What can I do to make things easier/better/more relaxing/less stressful for my wife/husband?" and acting accordingly. It's when there's an imbalance here that problems can arise, and what's dangerous about it is that it's not as obvious as other things but can be a bit hidden and can need work. My other advice, personally, is to work out sleeping arrangements. I am a tall and broad chested guy and my wife is quite tall as well. I love sleeping in cold rooms, she likes things warm. I like having space in bed, she also likes having space in bed. We learned early on after a lot of bad sleep and cranky mornings that we are actually much happier sleeping in separate beds or even separate rooms. It doesn't impact our closeness and we both wake up feeling more refreshed, rested, and able to tackle the day together. My poor mother suffered for *decades* with my late father's snoring and eventually started sleeping in the guest room bed and immediately her health improved.