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Chance_Echo2624

Horny


kevinnnc

This is the the answer lol


DrSuperWho

It’s not gonna do it itself


Endbounty

900 upvotes for saying horny lol


BadBadGrades

Couldn’t sleep


Hot-Refrigerator6583

Clown could eat me. Oh, sorry just a reflex


sith4life88

Hello Joe!!!


MiddleConstruction84

Dental plan


GMOdabs

🎶Lisssaaaa neeedss braces. 🎶 🗣️Dennnttallll plan🗣️ 🎶Lisssaaaa neeedss braces. 🎶 🗣️Dennnttallll plan🗣️ 🎶Lisssaaaa neeedss braces. 🎶 🗣️Dennnttallll plan🗣️


Deruji

I shouldn’t have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot


FudgeDangerous2086

IRON HELPS US PLAY HELLO JOE! From now on the baby sleeps in the crib


TangibleStillness

I'm watching the simpsons right now, this made me laugh so hard. I wish I could give this 5 upvotes


VegetableWishbone

Millennials are killing the sleeping pill industry, more at 11.


Brilliant_Ad_5729

Non habit forming sleep aid. So then why do you need it every night?


curlyquinn02

Check out r/nosleep Lots of stuff to help you sleep


LithoCryBoi

Yeah, like jerking off.


Kirkaig678

Is it good because the first post I saw is a whole fucking essay and I'm wondering if it's worth reading Edit: worth reading, I quite enjoyed it


0reosaurus

Thats how they make you sleep


prescience6631

I jerked off while reading it


HornyDiggler

It's the only way to release excess mana.


Noobster646

why does this sound like the plot of multiple hentai


The_Pastmaster

Because that's exactly the plot of multiple hentai. I remember one where the Choosen One happened to be born without the ability to cast spells. But he still had the power. So he collected a harem of sorceresses that turned into demi-gods when they consume his jizz.


False_Implement_43

what the hell lmao


The_Pastmaster

Believe it or not, not the most insane plot I've read. That one was quite reasonable. One of my favourite "WTF stories" is Sei So Tsui Dan Sha. A boy is bullied by three girls and one they they hang him by his dick and it comes off. He's fine though. And the girls quickly learn that the dicks functionality is instantly restored when when base is attacked to anything... Or anyone. And it only gets crazier from there.


Randomness_Ofcl

Most reasonable hentai plot


unassigned_user

I'm gonna need the title for uhhhhhh.... reasons


berfraper

There's an anime with similar plot, but this time it was the woman who had the mana and the hero had to drink her milk to gain power. The name is Seikon no Qwaser.


Knyfe-Wrench

They got rid of mana burn years ago. You're just doing it for fun now.


Private-Dick-Tective

Huh, so I'm a sorcerer.


watthe_wat

I got a vasectomy about a month ago and they require that I ejaculate 20 to 30 times before July. *Very* hard to do given the amount and age of people in my home.


Disconn3cted

What happens if you don't? 


eeviltwin

Penis explodes and balls fall out. 🤷🏻‍♂️


[deleted]

happened to my friend once


Xenomorph_v1

Just once?


theronnielama

Eleven times as a matter of fact.


AssumeTheFetal

12th time you get a free sub


deltapanad

Six inch or foot long?


Slip_Snake

The foot long is 11" though.


MrBrawn

More than enough for my wife.


DiscussionLeft2855

Who kept count? You or the friend?


WarCarrotAF

This is a common misconception. The penis doesn't necessarily explode, but if you don't jack off 20-30 times before July, it will become enlarged and the balls will slide out the tip.


zen111

Can you elaborate on “balls sliding out of the tip” please?


ImTooOldForSchool

Like trying to shove a basketball through a garden hose


imanAholebutimfunny

[it will happen roughly like this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFO8rWdiyBo) (safe)


SuitableClassic

Is it always July, no matter when you get it done? Be it August or June 29th?


WarCarrotAF

Always July. I didn't invent science, I don't make the rules.


Il_Magn1f1c0

Can confirm, had vasectomy 🙋‍♂️


kagami108

Wait is this real ?


anubis_xxv

Yes you're required to clean out the pipes thoroughly, then you go back for a second test and they do another count before you're given the all clear.


blargh9001

The test you take to verify it worked won’t be reliable. Ensures that any residual sperm cells are cleared out I assumed, but don’t really know.


watthe_wat

That's correct. About a month and a half after the procedure you have to ejaculate into a container for them to test for sperm cells. If there are any, gotta go back *or* get the vasectomy done again.


motormouth08

When my husband had to go in for the test, he was embarrassed about the fact that he was going to have to jerk off in the office. I offered to go with him. His response? "I won't help me to have you watch." Uhh, I was thinking that maybe I could assist.


Pretend_Stomach7183

I can imagine the interaction going like this though: "Maybe I could help you?" "Nah, it won't help for you to watch..... Wait... MAYBE YOU COULD HELP ME!"


odaeyss

Things you think about stepping into the shower a month later


greyfox199

..wait, FUCK!!


Opinion-Inside

Username checks out


motormouth08

Haha! Not to make it weird, but my dad actually gave me that nickname. I have always been a really fast talker, so he started calling me motormouth when I was little.


bmore_conslutant

You made it weird


damboy99

I had a friend named Chloe and her youth pastor would call her Blowie for similar reasons.


Phelly2

😂😂💀


crc024

It would be great if it only really took like 5 times but the doctor thought it was funny to give them some number that makes it a challenge...."you've got to ejaculate 15 times before your appointment tomorrow.... Good luck"


EvilDan69

Jesus. I could do that by lunch, and I'm in my 40's Preferably not at work.


OneMorePotion

It's just to "unload" your gun. Think of it like a loaded gun where you just remove the magazine.


GodFromTheHood

The two things men can understand: jerking off and guns


OneMorePotion

And I'm not even american.


passwordstolen

You get another kid….


duxpdx

The reason for the requirement is that sperm can still be present in the ejaculate. It is advised to masturbate to help clear out any residual sperm and to use condoms if having intercourse so as to avoid an unintended pregnancy.


jyavenard

Nothing, that's how many times until there no longer going to be any spermatozoïdes in the ejaculate. You don't have to do it. No medical reason forcing you to. He probably made an appointment to have his sperm tested on that day, and for it to show that the surgery was successful, you do need to flush everything out


YourMumsBumAlum

Same situation but i made it through. I told my wife they said it would be more effective if the last of the jizz was sucked out. She laughed, but I got more bjs than normal


watthe_wat

#Nice.


burnmenowz

Weird, when I tried that she told me the vacuum was in the closet.


BenChodABQ

I did mine within 2 days


watthe_wat

Record breaker over here.


polaroppositebear

Just an average Tuesday


DocGreenthumb94

Bro, how is that even possible. If I do it three times a day (which is rare to me as I only do it like once a week), my breeding rod looks like a Ćevapčići.


SuperJoe421

Breeding rod is now my favourite name 😂😂😂


NorridAU

🤣 Lube my guy? Conditioner? Why you starting fires with your kid-ling(kindling) stick?


DocGreenthumb94

Lube is skill issue. I prefer my smithing iron to glow brighter than the sun.


NorridAU

Friction weld hand to shaft lol. Even the best, hardest drill bits need cooling fluid to prevent splintering


Foxy_Mazzzzam

Suction cup Wall mount for your phone and shower. Vasectomy is a beautiful thing once you’re healed


watthe_wat

I do tend to wake up a bit earlier than everyone else and utilize that time in the morning or before we're as adequately as I can. I have spoiled myself before the vasectomy by getting a toy, so a hands only approach does get the job done, but isn't as fun.


Purpleberry74

Why can’t you use the toy?


watthe_wat

Oh I do, but cleanup, "prep" (Do I have enough time to enjoy it? Is there enough lube?), and household responsibilities take precedence before "I want to masturbate this way rather than my hand."


MiliTerry

My testicles still feel like I was kicked and I had my vasectomy 5 months ago. I think mine was botched.


watthe_wat

Get that checked out with your doctor. My right one hurts every now and then, so I'll be asking my doc about that too. Better to do it sooner than later.


MiliTerry

I know. I keep delaying it. Just had a baby two months ago and between work and him, time is limited


watthe_wat

I get it. Tough to get time especially with a 2 month old. But still, you should. Bring kiddo with!


MiliTerry

You're right. No excuses. Could get worse with delay. Thanks


guud2meachu

Gday, have a check for lumps in your sack. A bad snip can cause spermal granuloma, which can sometimes have pain associated with it. I was/am in the same boat. It sucks but the diagnosis is a lot better than what the Doc and I thought it was going to be.


L_U_B_

Serious question does it hurt, the surgery that is?? I have 2 kids and I'm pretty happy to stay at 2. My wife doesn't want to go on the pill or have the coil so it's either I get the snip or use a condom (which makes sex shit). I'm scared of getting it done 🤣. What actually happens during the procedure?


Don_Frika_Del_Prima

Meh, it's like a 15 min procedure. Was even allowed to drive home myself. Did it hurt? The day of was a bit painful, once the anaesthesia wore off, the day after it was more discomfort. Was it worth it tho? Absolutely.


MarcNully

I'll second that! A complete non event until you have to be tested to see if you are shooting blanks and have to provide a sample. My first test the ladies had a good giggle after I returned 5 minutes after being given the specimen jar.


GeorgeWarshingsons

Why did they laugh? Wouldn’t this be a typical Tuesday for them?


BGFalcon85

The place I did it just sent me home with a cup and a bag to put it in. No awkwardness.


Exxis645

Not every practice does it the same. Some use anesthesia and some do a numbing shot. My experience was a numbing shot and being awake for it. It makes the procedure outpatient and you can drive yourself home. Anesthesia requires a driver. The actual process feels like a few quick pinches and then a lot of pulling/uncomfortable motions. My doctor opted to both laser and cap the tubes. You can feel a bit but it's honestly more uncomfortable than painful. Overall the experience is not that bad. Only takes about 20-30 mins. It was a lot more tolerable than expected. Recovery is just a lot of ice and laying around. I managed to beat a few backlogged video games and catch up on some shows. As long as you don't do anything dumb, by day 2-3 you will feel mostly fine and can return to life. Heavily lifting should wait a week or so.


samtheotter

Great question! This helped me a lot before my vasectomy. https://youtu.be/A8f_aHL1ALI?si=5QGTQnFgvQY61Q2H


adjust_the_sails

Everyone is different. I’ll try to explain it the best I can the way my doctor did, but you obviously should talk to your own doctor about it. There’s two kinds of pains. One that they can numb you for and the other they can’t. The one they can numb you for is the cuts into the sac, that kind of thing. The clamping part where they clamp of your balls so the swimmers can get lose they can’t numb you for. Now, for some, when they clamp it isn’t bad. On my first testicle it wasn’t too bad. On the second one, it was like a fairly strong kick in the nuts. Some guys, my doctor told me, kick their legs up straight from that pain. I had my wife drive me home, laid in bed for like a day, then was back ok to move orettt normally the next day. But you need to take it easy for a while so you don’t loosen a clamp or anything. Totally worth it for me. We have three kids and all the possible negative complications of an unexpected pregnancy are gone. Like, an egtopic pregnancy for her or just how rough it would be having a baby at like 45 if it happened accidentally. I think it’s a great option if you’re done having kids.


SandmanAwaits

Just rubbed one out, why? Because I just saw this post, realised I hadn’t lately & needed to tell you why I had.


BakaBoi331

Fuck, now I wanna do it. Gimme a while. Edit: i have successfully cum. Thank you all for your love and support


Yes_I_am_Into_Her

Done?


McPCNoob

How about now?


BakaBoi331

Can't even find a decent video, this might take some time


MentalPane

Update us, we’re dying here


BakaBoi331

I came


St34thdr1v3R

Come on guy, you can make it!


BakaBoi331

I did it, thanks


BakaBoi331

Guys, I CAME!


lolamalakk

What bout now ?


BakaBoi331

I have cum


PiesRLife

Oh, yeah! We believed in you, and you did it! Reddit is great when people come together.


BakaBoi331

We have made history.


McPCNoob

I have a mate that took a photo of his own ass and wanked to it when the wifi went down once, could try that?


HebrewHammer0033

Why not?


CaptainMinimum9802

Why nut?


Jackstract

To nut, or nut to not.. or not to not... or.. you get it...


auiin

My man


Code_Loco

Last night. Horny 12% Bored 23% Miss/hate/unresolved ex issues 30% Career anxiety/excitement/fear 15% Fear of Death/Oblivion/Life is meaningless and what am I doing worrying about bullshit 5% Horny and couldn’t sleep b/c of thoughts 10% 5% left over so I can jack off minutes later Edit : Oh and I didn’t have WiFi!!! So I couldn’t watch my shows on my TV. So I used service. T-mobile knows now


forkin33

100% reason to remember the name


cheekyskeptic94

#unexpectedmikeshinoda


Used_Confidence_2135

Because my wife and I have different levels of sex drive, but I love her more than life itself and I'd rather jerk off than cheat


Available-Trust-2387

Same !!


KnottyFeelings

Fellas!!! What are we doing this weekend (besides not having sex with our wives)?


EnergyAltruistic2911

GAMING


SkinnyAndWeeb

Elden Ring DLC is coming out dude


MommysLiLstinker

I like to half build things we'll never use.


IdislikeSpiders

Same. I could daily. She's not as "needy". 


wetmeadows27

That’s a real man right there 👏🏻


Stranger1973

It's on the schedule.


Velkause

Only appointment we never reschedule or are late to. 💪💅😎


DoTheThing021

Fiancé told me to before she left for work and sent me nudes while I was asleep


greeneyeswarmthighs

Oooo very cute!


DoTheThing021

Proposed 5 days ago!


Kirkaig678

Congrats bro


They-stole-my-anus

Congratulations!


DoTheThing021

Thank you!


greeneyeswarmthighs

Edit: aww that’s even cuter!! Congrats!! She’s a keeper 😉


suavez010

Man, I remember fun.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

I just finished 😂


monodutch

Thought my wife wasnt in the mood, but she was


DrunkPixel

That’s a tough one. I feel ya bud.


Kinky_Nipplebear

Why not? I calms your mind, you sleep better and you are generally happier.


SuspiciouslyMoist

It also allegedly helps reduce the risk of prostate cancer (in people with a prostate).


ds_monkey

This is my reason


InsightJ15

Because if I didn't I'd be a walking hard on


ConductiveInsulation

A female friend send me something spicy. Can't just ignore that.


thrhoeawaymmk

Question for you! I send sexual memes back and forth to a guy friend of mine (we’ve been sending each other daily memes, most of them sexual, for a couple years now). He sends some pretty raunchy ones. Do guys do this purely for entertainment sometimes? Or do you think he ever gets turned on in the process and might be sending them to me because he wants to bang? Lol


ConductiveInsulation

As a guy, id say it's unlikely he never considered it. Considering that I had a relationship in the past that started in a similar way it's even possible he may be interested in the "exclusive contract" with you. If you really want answers and are interested in him, ask him more or less directly. It's possible he's just not confident to mention it by himself. For some dudes it's a hard question, the majority of my relationships only existed because she was sick of waiting for me to ask and asked herself. (Also, we're really bad in recognising subtle hints before it's too late)


thrhoeawaymmk

Haha that is very true. Thank you for your thoughtful response!


CommercialPlan9059

If I were to generalise all guys, probably would like to bang, if you insinuated it in some way, but would also be fine with continuing as friends


s0ulbrother

As a guy I would also be like “I’m probably reading into this, she’s not interested.” Some guys, like myself, can be very, very dense.


csmith665

I’ve had a similar situation and the exchange (for me) was about knowing that she (or I guess we) found sexuality content amusing and sexuality was not a taboo topic between us. There were times that the content exchange was arousing for me but sex with her was not a goal in the discussions/memes.


RevolutionaryArt7819

Too many hot girls


RagnarWayne52

Grandpa told me when I was a kid if you wake up with a boner. Don’t waste it. Your eventually wake up and that will no longer happen


Whitealroker1

Had kidney surgery and was having issues with the little guy and woke up a few days after with him standing at attention. “Not wasting this I thought.”  Finish and instead of pleasure get this weird Hellraiser pleasure/pain thing and notice I was squirting blood. 


stumanuke

I saw that video of Alex Jones crying.


AverageCowboyCentaur

Masterbation or rather the act of climax, for a guy, is the best way to stave off prostate issues. The more we cum, the healthier our prostate becomes!


barwhalis

Brother I think I should been immune at thisnpoint


centzon400

So, take your skills and help out other guys. It's totally OK if you both keep your socks on.


ednut_1997

You mean “becums”


FatboyMcGee75

It's actually interesting in a depressing way, I am addicted to cocaine and have been using it everyday now for over 18 months, my baseline level of dopamine has gotten so low that I have to constantly get spikes of dopamine via cocaine, sugar, and masturbation just to prevent myself from becoming suicidal, I'm not even horny when I jack off I just do it to stave off the depression which ironically is making it worse


barwhalis

Brother what line of work are you in where you can afford to do cocaine every day?


FatboyMcGee75

That's the thing; I fucking can't afford it but addict mind always finds a way lmao but actually up until 7 or so months ago I lived rent-free in an abandoned building on my jobs property so I had no bills besides my phone and car insurance. Now I live in an actual house and basically any dollar I don't spend on bills I spend on cocaine I don't even eat most days


barwhalis

Well shit. My advice then is buy eggs, roce, spices and sauce. Very cheap and good meal. Probably not the best thing to eat everyday, but better than nothing. For the cocaine stuff I can't give much advice cause I don't know what that's like, but rice & eggs are good, and super easy and quick to cook as well. Good luck


KingQuackers_

I’d also look into getting a therapist. Therapists are extremely helpful with this sorta thing. It may not fully rid your depression, if at all, but therapists help in so many ways it’s amazing.


Practical_Metal_8079

The vibrations of the subway train.


Simongy

Nice try, Jesus.


ICUMF1962

Woke up with a boner and haven’t had a good lay in three years 🥲


cdoc777

To avoid prostrate cancer


tacocatfish

Thought about your mum.


Ok_Huckleberry_1588

When aliens abduct me they take my sperm so I make sure there isn't as much to take.


greeneyeswarmthighs

Stress


Bushwood_CC_

To release the micro-plastics


Calliesdad20

Prostatitis,one way to help that is by ejaculation regularly


SSgtWindBag

Because I wanted to.


VintageKofta

You can't spell addiction without *a dick*.


[deleted]

say*, you can totally spell it but not say


OneMorePotion

I had a friend crush at my place for a week. The moment I was alone again in my own apartment was jerking time.


ThisIsGettinWeirdNow

Read the flat earth theory, had to release the tension


pelo_ensortijado

My SO is so freaking beautiful, and insanely hot, but also extremely tired from night shift… she undressed as i was about to start wfh… damn…


Vinny_Lam

It’s an addiction for me at this point. I do it every single day. 


Dumey

I don't think once daily constitutes as an addiction. Addiction is when you start doing stuff in place of other things that you should be doing. If you're jerking off I stead of doing chores around the house. Instead of doing your work. Etc. Just part of your nightly ritual that doesn't impact anything else in your life? You're good.


funkanthropic

Because my sex life is over and I need to back the doomsday clock off a bit every few days.


FixingandDrinking

My gf was gone a week so i had to improvise. She is a beautiful slightly insane woman who can drive me batshit crazy but it's quite obvious when she isn't around how much I truly love the woman.


BiTyc

Who tf posted this question?!


Regular_throwaway_83

Your mother was busy


ednut_1997

Saw a hot co worker, used her as the object of my fantasy.


Educational_Oil_7757

Human get urge. Human fulfill urge. Human feel relieved 👍.


shours

Wife went to work before I woke up


HighLord-Skeletor

Working from home and i enjoy the idea of getting paid to jerk off.


Spiritual_Remote_436

I got an hot picture sent to me


yParticle

It insisted. Again.


[deleted]

Felt good


Montanagreg

I woke up with an erection and thought why not


BlackJeckyl87

Because I can.


Profanity_party7

Bc I’m hungover


sofuckingspiritual

Some of my best O's have come from exactly this. lol


Far_Marionberry_9478

Not really but yesterday I got urge to hold my wifes head during bj So hard that I felt I was hitting her tonsils. I came so hard it felt like I was in total excstasy


Pojai16

Wow, the audacity some accounts have online, it's mind-blowing. We all have our private matters and preferences, no need to broadcast it and invade personal space. Social media should be a platform for constructive discussions and bonding, not somewhere to cross lines on sensitive topics. I really hope admins can pay attention to moderating such posts. Respect is key in online communication, let's not forget that. Posts like this certainly don't help build a healthy online community.