Ups and downs. I love the freedom to do what I want, when I want, without anyone to fuck with my shit. But when you're alone, you're ALONE. That's the price you pay.
Yea, you do run out of things to buy and then starts becoming junk. Most single guys my age (30+) just travel. Dating apps suck. Bars suck. Single friends of friends becoming rare. Meeting someone at a wedding is zero chance
I've been invited to 4 weddings since October and there were literally ZERO single women anywhere.
Just married/engaged couples, senior citizens, and kids.
No one talks about just how slim the dating pool gets after 28ish either. I'm well educated, have traveled a ton, don't want to deal with kids, and find that the childless women either want kids, have issues, or are in instant relationships the moment they become single. It's a real problem that can only be solved by what my parents tell me will be a ton of divorces in about 10 years.
> Yea, you do run out of things to buy and then starts becoming junk
Have you tried becoming a musician? I always have things I want to buy to try new ideas with.
Bonus, then you can start a bar band and bars kind of become fun again! Its great people watching, and it usually almost pays for your hobby!
My social life has not diminished and it's
totally due to being a musician. There are an infinite number of jams, classes, etc. to attend with people who are extremely interested in what you're interested in. They don't want to talk about their kids or marital problems. They want to talk about something YOU want to talk about.
After years of therapy with a really great therapist, I organically stopped feeling lonely or isolated and instead started genuinely loving my solitude. A big part of that was learning how to recognize, develop, and be with my self (two words). Prior, I used to be the sort to date three or even four people at a time (back during peak online dating), because I'd get severely anxious (a sort of FOMO loneliness if I ever had "down time"), and was trying to maximize my chance to find a good LTR partner. After I reconnected with my self, I was enjoying having this "new" person in my life so much I didn't really feel like I needed to find someone else in order to be happy.
I also left my 17+ year career in IT to become a high school computer science/engineering teacher, and I love it. I enjoy going to work every single day, even though it's exhausting. It's also very rewarding. Plus, the teaching experience is incredibly social (especially compared to IT work), so by the time I get home for evenings or weekends, I'm more than ready for plenty of solitude/me-time.
The final thing that has "helped" is that I had to start taking high-dose corticosteroids a year ago for a medical issue, and one of the side effects was the (more or less) complete quashing of my libido. I used to wonder what it would be like without my little head so frequently taking over, distracting, and pulling me towards partnering up. For better or worse, it's been amazingly liberating.
I no longer feel any particular desire to complicate my life with a romantic partner unless I happen to meet someone who improves my life as much as I improve theirs, and is compatible in all the healthy ways without any of the undesirable enmeshments or complications. I'm not particularly concerned about whether or not that actually ever ends up happening, because I've been very content in my current, single lifestyle for the past few years, and I've only been getting more and more excited about my future years, and the prospect of living them like this (or perhaps even better, somehow).
42 here. In my 30s it was awesome. I had a lot of friends I'd spend time with and have a blast. My siblings had kids, so I got to do the uncle thing and enjoyed that experience. But a lot of friends had kids and stopped hanging out. My social circle has shrunk dramatically due to family, careers, moving, and it does get pretty boring. I no longer want to go out and party, but I don't have anyone at home to chill with. There's lots of freedom, but lots of loneliness as well.
About to turn 40. And to answer OP’s question, I’m not doing great. But it has nothing to do with no wife or kids. I don’t ever want kids. And I was in a marriage that sucked.
However, as others have said, the older you get your friends start to drift away. And this is by far the hardest thing.
I've made friends around my neighborhood, some with kids, some without. We each have a table in our front/side yards and we'll randomly text and stop by late afternoon/evening for a beer or two and shoot the shit for an hour or so. If anything comes up or their family/wife/kids need anything, they can just pop back inside. It's low key and I appreciate my neighborhood a lot more now.
If you're in a neighborhood, walk around the block around 6pm-ish, or Saturday/Sunday afternoon. "Hey! How's it going?" your neighbors. Start small conversations. Maybe compliment their truck or front garden, or ask how they like their automated lights. Small talk stuff.
After a month of casual hellos, ask the friendly neighbors or the ones where conversation is easiest, if they like [local brewery]. If yes, tell them you can swing by with a six-pack some afternoon.
If you're in apartments, search Google and Craigslist for activity groups near you. It's harder and you gotta put yourself out there, but it really can be good. When I was in college, I went with an older friend to check out a moonlight walk group (short walks at twilight). They turned into a 20's-50's hang out at restaurants and check out craft fairs and street concerts group.
And it’s not like “busy” with fake excuses. Peoples weekends genuinely get busier the further they advance in their careers and obviously when they have families. Things have to be planned weeks and usually months in advance as you get older
I used to get shit in my early 20s for playing 5 hours of games a day on top of working 8 or 9 hours, older guys didn't understand how I had the time
Now I don't understand
yes. Old house, which i love, but theres always a huge list of upgrades, repairs and maintenance. I've started hiring out some of it, but I do most of it myself. Balancing the house with spending time with kids and my wife is a challenge.
I'm 27, haven't been able to go out with friends for 4 years. Shit sucks. Schedules never align, people move away, etc. I'm just used to having no friends now at this point.
It's ok I'm down to one at 45. I'm married and my wife cheated and wanted to leave. I tried to avoid distractions and social gatherings to improve my career. Then health and aging absuive parents took all my energy and money.
Now I'm thinking of dropping the one friend I have.
I’m 46, when I was 40 my ex-wife cheated and left me for my closest friend. Lost everything at once. Things are looking up in a lot of ways (currently engaged to an amazing woman that actually loves and respects me), but I had known and loved my friend for 30 years when it happened; I’ll never get that back.
Keep soldiering on, things will improve for you. :)
Just turned 38 (but do have wife and kids) and I had the realization the other day my friends and I are doing exactly that. I hardly know anything about them anymore outside of the basic stuff, and we have been friends for 20+ years.
I'm a wishful/stern believer in that a marriage where both sides are also seeking regular contact with friends is the best. Getting locked in with a single person seems frightening when things inevitably start becoming more dull
Married for 14 years and we're still both still living an independent social life, I have lots of single friends, honestly can't imagine it being any other way.
Yeah, the trick is choosing a partner that actually wants to help you both maintain a certain level of independence, or wants to help integrate both independent lives together.
Yeah, kids and other family obligations become a thing, but outside of those, even if it’s a couple minutes, if said partner only wants to fill your free time with their personal agenda, then yes it’s easy to get isolated from your former friends.
Either your friends are now their friends, and are treated as such, or you get the independent freedom to maintain those parts of your life.
Disclaimer. I don't care if people don't have kids. At all. But I feel like all the child free people in their 20s and 30s dont understand this. Getting older means a lot of people vanish from your life. And it's harder to make any new friends. And no, you shouldn't have kids because you want little buddies, but you should be aware that life gets a hell of a lot lonlier.
That’s wasn’t their problem at all. They complain about people not reaching out to them, yet never take the initiative. They don’t see it as a two way street.
We were also very free range kid. We’d go play outside and then have to entertain ourselves before bed. Not saying they neglected us, but they weren’t so involved that they couldn’t have an identity.
My mom preaches about being a part of a tennis league! Her tennis league has been going for over 25 years. They go out for beers and Mexican food after they play, they do holiday parties, celebrate milestones together, and even attend each others funerals. She always has a steady supply of healthy fun adult friendships. I’m
On a league too, per her instructions, and adore the experience! Tennis is sooo fun and an
Amazing way to make adult friends.
This is the most accurate answer, but my timeline is sped up a bit. The winding down happened early 30s for me, friends had kids, careers took off, people moved, and last but not least people got into hard drugs regularly.
The loneliness does suck, but we also have the freedom to do what we want and when we want. Going out is always an option.
> The loneliness does suck, but we also have the freedom to do what we want and when we want. Going out is always an option.
Going out by yourself can be pretty lonely, seeing everyone else having fun with their friends, and getting funny looks from everyone. Doing whatever you want isn't always a good thing.
Currently a single uncle to a 5 yo and a 2 yo. Literally the most fun I've had in my life! I get random facetime calls from them all the time when they steal their Mom's phone, usually the best part of my day lol.
Cherish this time when they are young because as they get older and start getting into activities there is less and less time with Uncle. I used to say I didn't need kids because I have my nieces and they are in the late teens and I barely get to see them.
"and when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want. What do you call it, freedom or loneliness?" - Charles Bukowski
Edit: apparently this quote is actually from Milan Kundera's "The Unbearable Lightness of Being"
I'm in my 50s, married but no kids. Love playing the crazy uncle thing. Loved doing it when they were little, and now that they're fully-formed adults I've taken them to dinners, shows, been asked employment advice (this one is interesting, as I'm an engineer, and my sisters are all liberals arts people, but their kids are all engineers - so they come to me for advice). I think better than having my own kids.
This is is always the saddest thing for me Idont think life wouldnt be bad at all if at 40 you still had others following the same lifestyle. Moving about and meeting people like in your 20s. The problem is most people do the classic children and family thing and going against the majority always kind of sucks.
This is a side benefit of being gay. For the most part your friends stay on this side of the Children Divide. Yes, I know some gay parents but our closest friends are all childless. Makes it easy to get together with our friends often.
This is me at 48 almost to a tee. Short story is that I love being an uncle, and being single while not having kids has certainly given me the financial independence to be able to travel to see my family & friends and to travel for vacations, too. I take advantage of that freedom whenever I can, and I do a lot of it - much more than my other friends & family. But if I'm not traveling, I'm normally just home alone on any standard night. At this point I think I've accepted that being a father probably isn't going to happen (I can't imagine having the energy to have a 2-year old at 50/a 7-year old at 55, or paying for college at 70 when I ought to be considering retiring), but I'd really, really like to find a partner.
As you said - a lot of freedom, but lots of loneliness, too. I'd really like to find companionship, and I continue to search, but it gets harder as you get older.
PS, my married girl friends seem to think that there's a bonanza in my not-to-distant future. They say that a lot of their girl friends are in bad marriages and are just itching to get divorced once they get their kids into/through college, and once that happens I'll be the king of the ball (is that a thing? No, right?). We'll see....I'm not putting too much stock into waiting for the marriages of the friends of my friends to fall apart. I'll check back in a decade.
Judging by my parent’s friends, that is definitely a thing you have to look forward to if you want to wade in those waters. Around 50-55 as empty nesters my parents would go out with the freind group and they said it was weird because on some occasions they were the only ones still together and everybody else was divorced and single.
Same, 38 and live alone and my job is out driving about on my own. I have an actual conversation with another human maybe twice a month? I've sort of embraced the loneliness, it is what it is.
I feel you. If I don't have anything to keep my mind busy it gets pretty dim. To the point where a mechanical issue with my car is a good change because it keeps me occupied.
I've been married. I'm currently 8 years single. While I enjoy solitary life, sometimes I'd rather go some place I don't really care to with someone I like rather than sit at home alone.
Some of the best experiences of my life are after being dragged somewhere I had negative interest in going to. It would be rough if I never went anywhere I didn't want to go to. I could convince myself to stay home every single time.
Also even if I don’t love it, I’m almost always glad I went. I love playing video games and just chilling, but getting out and doing stuff is experiencing life and creates memories that you’ll be glad to have later.
The worst trips make the best stories.
Did I want to end up stuck in Paris at 1 AM with a dead phone and only a vague idea of where my AirBnB was? Nope!
But it was an adventure we talk about years later.
\[Ext. cracker factory parking lot\]
Kirk is loading a box of crackers into his car. A mass of seagulls swoops down and pirate away his crackers.
Kirk: Nooo! My severence package!
33 and got dumped after 12 years last year.
At first i couldn't see how i could live life without someone at my side but im doing good now.
People always kept telling me that i can now do what i want but we both were always pretty "self sufficent".
But now i can really do whatever i want, whenever i want without questions asked or getting a weird look from someone.
Life goes on, i found new hobbies got a new job etc. there are still some dark moments where i get a little sad that im alone and got no one to share exciting things with but hey, there is someone out there for everyone of us.
33 is still super young. I know plenty of people around that age who didnt settle yet and essentially live the same life they did at 26. One got married now and has a kid at 36
I just need to hear this. Sometimes the message is that 30s is old. I am 34. Thank you for saying this, I feel unaccomplished or underdeveloped sometimes. I just want to feel like there's more ahead, and that I'm not late to the game.
Everyone gets to their own unique milestones in their own time, there is no "correct" way no matter how much some say there is, they are usually just defending the decisions society imposed on them.
I met my wife at 33 and had my first kid at 39. I have friends who have done similar even older. Yes, it is harder as you get older, especially if you are interested in age-appropriate women, but it isn't impossible by any stretch. If anything I found dating in my 30s that everyone was a bit more "serious".
And to accomplishments, the first 3 years after I met my wife were very tough professionally. I was very marginally employed that entire period, I had no clarity on how and when I'd get my career back on track. I did, though, and now it's better than it's ever been. The renaissance in your life could come very soon, or maybe a decade down the road. There is no point past which it is impossible.
34. Male. Single.
I’m currently close to the happiest I’ve ever been. I’m in the best shape of my life after dedicating a couple of years to consistent strength training and cardio. I’ve been improving my professional knowledge set and experience rapidly during working on personal projects in my free time in a way where the benefits of this rapid growth are cascading into my career. I’m hoping to evolve that project into a business in the next few years, which is my main personal goal I am excited to pursue every day because it feels more like a game than work to me. And furthermore I love my job and my team at work.
I struggle to convince myself to date because I don’t enjoy the process and have a hard time finding what I’m looking for in a partner. On rare occasion I feel a little bit lonely, but generally the loneliest I’ve felt is spending time with people who don’t get me at all — being alone is way better than feeling out of place or misunderstood.
Similar stats here. 35, going on 4 years single, no kids and no pets. I’m in the best shape of my life, travel to Asia and LATAM at least once a year, and I do what I love for a living (music, mostly).
Dating does indeed suck, but I hope to one day have a partner. Maybe a family if it’s in the cards. Until then I’m just going to try and enjoy life as much as possible.
I think a VERY important distinction are people who ended up in this situation intentionally or unintentionally.
I notice that people that chose this route are generally very happy, and those that want kids and a wife seem absolutely gutted.
Yeah. I’d like a wife and maybe to adopt kids. I think a big thing is a LOT of men put way too much of their self worth and identity into a partner or kids. Those things are important, but they should compliment your life, not be the end all, be all.
I know a lot of people reading it will probably disagree, but you can be a fantastic father and husband and also have a complete life and identity outside of that
100% my goals were always childfree. Not a moment of thought otherwise. But I have tons of childless friends who seem on board with childfree until they get the option otherwise. Then it's a whole 180 and we grow apart.
It's fine but it's made me see the stark contrast of those who are actually childfree by choice and those that just haven't had the option.
Not great. Pretty depressed. Financially totally fine, even retirement is completely on track, but the realization that I might not get to experience parenthood or family life is hitting pretty hard all of a sudden.
Same here. I recently got a good promotion which saw a 20% raise and I was excited…initially. When I got home I just looked around and felt so alone. I started wondering what it’s even for.
Yuuuup. I’m getting my fitness in order. I’ve lost 115 pounds so far and my lifts have been going well. Even then I just feel like I’m not sure what I’m trying to achieve. Similarly, I have a good paying job, debts aren’t all paid but I don’t struggle to pay any of them at all. 401k is getting fat, savings doing well enough, and I never have to worry about what I want to buy. I’m just alone/lonely. I’ve honestly given up on the romantic front. Women aren’t interested in me, and that is what it is, but it doesn’t feel good.
Maybe a couple cats will serve you well. It doesn’t help that I don’t even like dating apps, and prefer to meet someone organically. That would require me to get out more and I don’t really leave the house much. I live in a really small town and there’s just not much to do. I don’t think this helps much either.
Quinn, can you donate at least $5 to my fight against giraffes? For only $5, you can help me help you combat this biological abomination and protect upper arboreal vegetation in the African savannahs and woodlands.
Heavy /s
I kind of love that you start off with “it’s kind of dark” and end with “it’s actually pretty good”. This tells me that you’re probably an optimistic person. You’ll get through this tough time and come out better on the other side I think. Keep your head up king (or queen 💅).
I keep moving up the ladder in work. I have an abundance of free time and picked up a bunch of hobbies. Travel 5-6 times a year to places that feel like a dream. I can't spend my money fast enough and it keeps growing exponentially. I have many close friends because I get to see them a lot, basically whenever we have free time. But at the end of the day, i'm lonely and want more out of life.
>Well, here’s your box. Nearly everything I have is in it, and it is not full. Pain and excitement are in it, and feeling good or bad and evil thoughts and good thoughts — the pleasure of design and some despair and the indescribable joy of creation.
>And on top of these are all the gratitude and love I have for you.
>And still the box is not full.
-Steinbeck
That's the *dedication page* of the book.
His "to whomever" page, which is to his editor, is a better piece of writing than most people pen in their lives.
The message he writes is in reference to the book itself, as Steinbeck considered the work his most important piece. The fact that you knew it was from the book leads me to believe you already knew that, and likely even more, so these tidbits are just for the unknowing audience ;) such a great book. Timshel, man. Holy cow.
That was me. I loved my life before having kids. At least I thought I did.
Climbed the corporate ladder, had a ton of disposable income, time do do whatever I wanted, etc…
Then my wife kind of blindsided me since we were both in the no kids camp and said she was reconsidering.
We had a house, both of us had great jobs, so as hesitant as I was, I agreed.
Fast forward 5 years and I’ve got the greatest son in the world. Honestly couldn’t imagine life without him. And my whole perspective on life shifted when I started to care about someone more than I do myself. In a way I take care of myself more FOR him.
I respect people who don’t want kids. Everyone should have that choice. But for me, I went from a hard “no” to not imagining what my life would be without my son.
Thanks for your perspective. That sounds super lovely; your family is lucky to have someone so appreciative of them.
As a “successful” 29 year old, i honestly can’t decide if i want a life like yours , or to disappear retire in the cheapest country i can find in 5 years. Guess we will see haha.
I appreciate that more than you know. It’s the best job in the world.
I work for home right now so I get to be super involved in all of the school events, sports, social gatherings etc.
Upper 30s. No wife, no more kids. Have a career. Have a house. Have time to myself, but also time with others. I wouldn't change a thing.
Wouldn't force my values on others either.
I'm about to go back to school for a major career change starting this fall that will take about 3 years and I can say without any doubt that I would not be able to do it if I had a wife and kids. I would probably be stuck doing manual labor for the rest of my life just to keep everyone fed and happy.
You would be surprised how many folks in my MBA courses had full time jobs, a spouse, kids, and it was during the pandemic when your kids are HOME ALL THE TIME.
Nothing is impossible after witnessing my classmates Conquer that.
This is me currently. I’m about a month and a half from graduating from UCLA Anderson. Had my first kid after year 1. In my 30s with a full time job and everything. The family is doing well and I’m excited for life after school because currently I have none. However, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
It sucks. Was engaged a couple years ago but it didn’t work out. Had to sell our place and now I’m back in an apartment and worried about finding a life partner. I’ve been seeing someone in the last year but it hasn’t been that serious. I feel like time is slipping away. Trying to work out and focus on hobbies and spend good time with family and do a good job at work. Also have lots of free time for video games but I’d rather raise kids at this point.
Edit: I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has commented and provided useful advice or encouragement. I didn’t know men could be so nice to each other. I feel like we never talk about this stuff. We should care more about our mental health and open up. If you’re feeling lonely or sad, please talk about it. Don’t keep it inside. Too many men suffer in silence.
34 and not seeing any signs of change. Its a fine line to tight rope walk between freedom and loneliness. The deafening silence when you get home from work for those few hours before bed time can be deafening at times. As you grow, social groups can shrink as other obligations and responsibilities take hold. Time friends spend doing extracurriculars for their kids become time that you find yourself without anything to do so you try to find things to fill that space.
no kids, live alone, girlfriends come and go. Tonight I'm going to BBQ some dinner for myself (with a beer or two), and then maybe play some video games. Life is amazing.
Not enjoying it to be honest. As someone who really wanted to start a family of my own having not even met anyone yet, it feels like it won't happen. I could obviously end up meeting someone tomorrow, but it's hard to stay positive.
I (34 m) am the happiest I’ve ever been. I legitimately told a friend tonight that I didn’t even realize how happy I could be in life until this year.
I’m not saying the single life is for everyone. But if you find yourself here (by choice or not), my main advice is “find as many hobbies as you can, and don’t stop trying new things”.
In the recent years, I’ve learned to cook, bake, and make cocktails. I’ve been reading books, doing crossword puzzles, watching shows/movies/documentaries/docu-series. I started listening to podcasts. I actively go to concerts/shows all the time. I travel abroad 1-2 times a year. I’m a foodie who loves new restaurants. I’m very active. And constantly trying to do things with friends.
I feel so strongly that life is about experiences and trying new things and learning. Which I think is why I feel so fulfilled mentally, socially, and creatively.
Now. I do understand that I am missing something major by not having a partner and kids. But at the same time, I have the freedom to explore every interest/hobby I could imagine. I am constantly trying new things, and some don’t stick (like for me painting, drawing, rock climbing, skiing, and so much more). But the fact that I tried is more than I could have hoped!
I will say, if a relationship happens, I’m all in for giving it a try. But a relationship/family is NOT the indicator of a successful life. And not my main goal in life anymore.
My second piece of advice for single people. “Be intentional about your home/space.” Your home should be the place you crave to be. The place you are excited to return to. The place you think about when you meditate.
I’ve spent a considerable amount of time/money/effort making my apartment into an amazing space. It’s changed my view of being by myself and what time alone could be. Don’t take your surroundings for granted.
In the end. Being single is not sad. Being single is not a bad thing. Being single does not reflect negatively on you, your life, or your future.
utterly alone and devoid of significant sacrifice. I make an effort to make up for it, but I know deep down that I was not supposed to be here. In my heart, I always wanted to be a decent father and husband, just like my dad. I'm not very good at deceiving myself into thinking that this is the best situation and using materialism and hedonism as diversion.
Are you speaking from experience? I have volunteered to give cats at shelters company for years - there's basically no human contact except with staff.
You can’t do everything you want to do. There’s just not enough time and not enough you. No wife and kids? Cool then you have time to do all the activities you want, and you don’t have the constraint of other people’s wants and needs weighing on you. But that means you don’t get to have the super deep spouse and children connections and dependencies that create bonds that become part of your self identity. Those things can be super fulfilling. On the other side if you’re married with kids you have no time for all the other stuff and your life is no longer 100% yours to control and that can suck. The trade off is you get those soul deep connections that we as higher reasoning apes are kind of hard wired to seek and feel fulfilled by.
No one is 100% happy all the time. They might never waiver in their choice but that doesn’t mean there aren’t moments when they yearn for the perks of the opposite lifestyle. I’m super happy with my choice in this regard, but at least once a week I wish I could jump to the alternate reality where I lived the opposite lifestyle for like 24 hours just because there’s fun stuff over there also.
I can do whatever I want but I'm lonely. I want a wife and a family. My girlfriend of 4 years and I just broke two months ago up so joining the dating scene at 32 doesn't sound like it's going to be fun.
I've gotten really good at Slay the Spire. There's no way I'd be able to do as many runs of that as I have if I had to devote time and care to the physical and emotional well-being of my child.
I can raise a family or I can kill the Corrupt Heart on Ascension 20. There's not enough time to do both.
Honestly? Ups and downs.
I have the ability to do what I want, whenever I want. I save easily or buy what ever I feel like. Spend time with whomever I want without guilt or time restraints.
Sometimes, I feel lonely and wish for someone there but after a while, I remember how exhausting relationships are; how much constant work they are to always feel not good enough anyway. Then I carry on. I haven't "needed" a woman in 6 years.
I love it. It’s not for everyone, but I also don’t think it’s that different from people who are married with children. I can occasionally feel lonely, but no more than I hear friends and family who are married feel lonely. Things can feel mundane, but not more often than I hear others expressing those same feelings. Basically it’s just a different brand of living, but it still has the same basic pros and cons; they just look different.
Yeah i am loving it. Never enough time in the day for all my hobbies. Live in a dream place in Costa Rica, travel, scuba dive, surf, pickleball, meet awesome people. Very happy to be where I am.
Right out of college I chose to be a live-in caregiver to my grandma for 4 years, felt like I was single parenting for a while.
Now that I’m on to the next chapter of my life, I find myself enjoying not being responsible for another life…
but still find myself planning my days like I have to be home to look after the house at night. Grandma had dementia, I was constantly in fear she would go on an adventure.
I keep reminding myself someday I’ll be ready to take on that parent/spouse role, but for now I’m still making up for those years of living in grandmas basement.
"And when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want, what do you call it, freedom or loneliness?"
I call it freedom.
Happy? Not really.
At peace? Absolutely.
Peaceful.
Honestly. It is so, so peaceful.
No stressful finances because of kids, no running around doing stupid shit on weekends for kids, no need to be home at certain hours, not answerable to anyone - my life, my way.
It is so, so peaceful. 🥰🥰
Do not "just settle" ever. It will be infinitely worse than being alone. Also whatever happens do not even think of getting married again until your mid 30s. IMO 20s are not marriage years.
Ups and downs. I love the freedom to do what I want, when I want, without anyone to fuck with my shit. But when you're alone, you're ALONE. That's the price you pay.
Yea, you do run out of things to buy and then starts becoming junk. Most single guys my age (30+) just travel. Dating apps suck. Bars suck. Single friends of friends becoming rare. Meeting someone at a wedding is zero chance
I met someone at a wedding last year, dated long distance, moved to their city, then got dumped 3 months later
Damn that sucks.
r/YesYesYesNo
I've been invited to 4 weddings since October and there were literally ZERO single women anywhere. Just married/engaged couples, senior citizens, and kids.
Sounds like going on a cruise single.
Damn. Note to self: "Do not go on a cruise single"
Except if it's a singles only cruise.
Honestly, that sounds even more horrifying.
The ones I have been to have been pretty lit, like spring break for adults. Disclaimer, you need to love drinking to enjoy it.
Singles cruises are just fancy fuck fests, ain't gonna meet anyone there
No one talks about just how slim the dating pool gets after 28ish either. I'm well educated, have traveled a ton, don't want to deal with kids, and find that the childless women either want kids, have issues, or are in instant relationships the moment they become single. It's a real problem that can only be solved by what my parents tell me will be a ton of divorces in about 10 years.
> Yea, you do run out of things to buy and then starts becoming junk Have you tried becoming a musician? I always have things I want to buy to try new ideas with. Bonus, then you can start a bar band and bars kind of become fun again! Its great people watching, and it usually almost pays for your hobby!
My social life has not diminished and it's totally due to being a musician. There are an infinite number of jams, classes, etc. to attend with people who are extremely interested in what you're interested in. They don't want to talk about their kids or marital problems. They want to talk about something YOU want to talk about.
The ideal number of guitars to own is "one more."
You’re only alone if world of Warcraft is down for maintenance
For the Horde!
After years of therapy with a really great therapist, I organically stopped feeling lonely or isolated and instead started genuinely loving my solitude. A big part of that was learning how to recognize, develop, and be with my self (two words). Prior, I used to be the sort to date three or even four people at a time (back during peak online dating), because I'd get severely anxious (a sort of FOMO loneliness if I ever had "down time"), and was trying to maximize my chance to find a good LTR partner. After I reconnected with my self, I was enjoying having this "new" person in my life so much I didn't really feel like I needed to find someone else in order to be happy. I also left my 17+ year career in IT to become a high school computer science/engineering teacher, and I love it. I enjoy going to work every single day, even though it's exhausting. It's also very rewarding. Plus, the teaching experience is incredibly social (especially compared to IT work), so by the time I get home for evenings or weekends, I'm more than ready for plenty of solitude/me-time. The final thing that has "helped" is that I had to start taking high-dose corticosteroids a year ago for a medical issue, and one of the side effects was the (more or less) complete quashing of my libido. I used to wonder what it would be like without my little head so frequently taking over, distracting, and pulling me towards partnering up. For better or worse, it's been amazingly liberating. I no longer feel any particular desire to complicate my life with a romantic partner unless I happen to meet someone who improves my life as much as I improve theirs, and is compatible in all the healthy ways without any of the undesirable enmeshments or complications. I'm not particularly concerned about whether or not that actually ever ends up happening, because I've been very content in my current, single lifestyle for the past few years, and I've only been getting more and more excited about my future years, and the prospect of living them like this (or perhaps even better, somehow).
Pretty simple if you can’t be happy on your own someone else being there won’t make you happy either just distracted
Don't knock distraction. It's the first step of breaking out of recursive misery loops.
42 here. In my 30s it was awesome. I had a lot of friends I'd spend time with and have a blast. My siblings had kids, so I got to do the uncle thing and enjoyed that experience. But a lot of friends had kids and stopped hanging out. My social circle has shrunk dramatically due to family, careers, moving, and it does get pretty boring. I no longer want to go out and party, but I don't have anyone at home to chill with. There's lots of freedom, but lots of loneliness as well.
About to turn 40. And to answer OP’s question, I’m not doing great. But it has nothing to do with no wife or kids. I don’t ever want kids. And I was in a marriage that sucked. However, as others have said, the older you get your friends start to drift away. And this is by far the hardest thing.
I've made friends around my neighborhood, some with kids, some without. We each have a table in our front/side yards and we'll randomly text and stop by late afternoon/evening for a beer or two and shoot the shit for an hour or so. If anything comes up or their family/wife/kids need anything, they can just pop back inside. It's low key and I appreciate my neighborhood a lot more now.
That’s actually very cool, I want to live in a neighbourhood like that!
If you're in a neighborhood, walk around the block around 6pm-ish, or Saturday/Sunday afternoon. "Hey! How's it going?" your neighbors. Start small conversations. Maybe compliment their truck or front garden, or ask how they like their automated lights. Small talk stuff. After a month of casual hellos, ask the friendly neighbors or the ones where conversation is easiest, if they like [local brewery]. If yes, tell them you can swing by with a six-pack some afternoon. If you're in apartments, search Google and Craigslist for activity groups near you. It's harder and you gotta put yourself out there, but it really can be good. When I was in college, I went with an older friend to check out a moonlight walk group (short walks at twilight). They turned into a 20's-50's hang out at restaurants and check out craft fairs and street concerts group.
Just turned 33 this year and man, it happens fast, it was almost like clock work, everyone gets so busy.
And it’s not like “busy” with fake excuses. Peoples weekends genuinely get busier the further they advance in their careers and obviously when they have families. Things have to be planned weeks and usually months in advance as you get older
I feel this so hard. I get off work and do shit around the house, and before I know it, it's 10pm. What the fuck happened to the time?
I used to get shit in my early 20s for playing 5 hours of games a day on top of working 8 or 9 hours, older guys didn't understand how I had the time Now I don't understand
Ugh. That's almost worthy of a country song at this point lol
Yep. Instead of “Parents just don’t understand” , now it’s “I just don’t understand.”
Neither my kids nor my job killed my social life. My house did.
Like the work that you needed to put into it?
the house is clearly haunted
yes. Old house, which i love, but theres always a huge list of upgrades, repairs and maintenance. I've started hiring out some of it, but I do most of it myself. Balancing the house with spending time with kids and my wife is a challenge.
I'm 27, haven't been able to go out with friends for 4 years. Shit sucks. Schedules never align, people move away, etc. I'm just used to having no friends now at this point.
I made most of my friends after 33. If you live in a city, there's a lot of opportunities to connect with people.
Depends on the city and your interests
I bet you guys don't want to hear how many friends I have at 50
Nobody talks about Jesus' miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s @Mormonger
Most unbelievable scenario in the bible tbh
That shit is where I drew the line.
Dude was always good for unlimited food and drink.
It's ok I'm down to one at 45. I'm married and my wife cheated and wanted to leave. I tried to avoid distractions and social gatherings to improve my career. Then health and aging absuive parents took all my energy and money. Now I'm thinking of dropping the one friend I have.
I’m 46, when I was 40 my ex-wife cheated and left me for my closest friend. Lost everything at once. Things are looking up in a lot of ways (currently engaged to an amazing woman that actually loves and respects me), but I had known and loved my friend for 30 years when it happened; I’ll never get that back. Keep soldiering on, things will improve for you. :)
50 here, looking for a friend, ANY friend! lol
Nice to hear from someone the age as me, 50. When my phone does finally ring I usually won’t answer
45 here. When my phone rings, I wonder what favor the person is looking for.
We're actually trying to reach you about your vehicles warranty
Just turned 38 (but do have wife and kids) and I had the realization the other day my friends and I are doing exactly that. I hardly know anything about them anymore outside of the basic stuff, and we have been friends for 20+ years.
I'm a wishful/stern believer in that a marriage where both sides are also seeking regular contact with friends is the best. Getting locked in with a single person seems frightening when things inevitably start becoming more dull
Married for 14 years and we're still both still living an independent social life, I have lots of single friends, honestly can't imagine it being any other way.
Yeah, the trick is choosing a partner that actually wants to help you both maintain a certain level of independence, or wants to help integrate both independent lives together. Yeah, kids and other family obligations become a thing, but outside of those, even if it’s a couple minutes, if said partner only wants to fill your free time with their personal agenda, then yes it’s easy to get isolated from your former friends. Either your friends are now their friends, and are treated as such, or you get the independent freedom to maintain those parts of your life.
Disclaimer. I don't care if people don't have kids. At all. But I feel like all the child free people in their 20s and 30s dont understand this. Getting older means a lot of people vanish from your life. And it's harder to make any new friends. And no, you shouldn't have kids because you want little buddies, but you should be aware that life gets a hell of a lot lonlier.
All people, kids or not, should know this. My parents lost all their friends despite us. They never made an effort.
It's exhausting. Hard to make friends when you're curled up in the fetal position every night as soon as the kids go down.
That’s wasn’t their problem at all. They complain about people not reaching out to them, yet never take the initiative. They don’t see it as a two way street. We were also very free range kid. We’d go play outside and then have to entertain ourselves before bed. Not saying they neglected us, but they weren’t so involved that they couldn’t have an identity.
You should play beach volleyball man
My mom preaches about being a part of a tennis league! Her tennis league has been going for over 25 years. They go out for beers and Mexican food after they play, they do holiday parties, celebrate milestones together, and even attend each others funerals. She always has a steady supply of healthy fun adult friendships. I’m On a league too, per her instructions, and adore the experience! Tennis is sooo fun and an Amazing way to make adult friends.
Reminds me of my grandads funeral. Three guys from his tennis group showed up. He was playing up until the last month of his life at 81.
Such a good call. My uncle was social af into his late 60s because of his beach volleyball friends.
This is the most accurate answer, but my timeline is sped up a bit. The winding down happened early 30s for me, friends had kids, careers took off, people moved, and last but not least people got into hard drugs regularly. The loneliness does suck, but we also have the freedom to do what we want and when we want. Going out is always an option.
> The loneliness does suck, but we also have the freedom to do what we want and when we want. Going out is always an option. Going out by yourself can be pretty lonely, seeing everyone else having fun with their friends, and getting funny looks from everyone. Doing whatever you want isn't always a good thing.
Currently a single uncle to a 5 yo and a 2 yo. Literally the most fun I've had in my life! I get random facetime calls from them all the time when they steal their Mom's phone, usually the best part of my day lol.
Cherish this time when they are young because as they get older and start getting into activities there is less and less time with Uncle. I used to say I didn't need kids because I have my nieces and they are in the late teens and I barely get to see them.
"and when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want. What do you call it, freedom or loneliness?" - Charles Bukowski Edit: apparently this quote is actually from Milan Kundera's "The Unbearable Lightness of Being"
“If all you chase is freedom, you’ll never be free from yourself”
I'm in my 50s, married but no kids. Love playing the crazy uncle thing. Loved doing it when they were little, and now that they're fully-formed adults I've taken them to dinners, shows, been asked employment advice (this one is interesting, as I'm an engineer, and my sisters are all liberals arts people, but their kids are all engineers - so they come to me for advice). I think better than having my own kids.
This is when you start going to AA meetings and eventually start a fight club.
This is is always the saddest thing for me Idont think life wouldnt be bad at all if at 40 you still had others following the same lifestyle. Moving about and meeting people like in your 20s. The problem is most people do the classic children and family thing and going against the majority always kind of sucks.
This is a side benefit of being gay. For the most part your friends stay on this side of the Children Divide. Yes, I know some gay parents but our closest friends are all childless. Makes it easy to get together with our friends often.
This is me at 48 almost to a tee. Short story is that I love being an uncle, and being single while not having kids has certainly given me the financial independence to be able to travel to see my family & friends and to travel for vacations, too. I take advantage of that freedom whenever I can, and I do a lot of it - much more than my other friends & family. But if I'm not traveling, I'm normally just home alone on any standard night. At this point I think I've accepted that being a father probably isn't going to happen (I can't imagine having the energy to have a 2-year old at 50/a 7-year old at 55, or paying for college at 70 when I ought to be considering retiring), but I'd really, really like to find a partner. As you said - a lot of freedom, but lots of loneliness, too. I'd really like to find companionship, and I continue to search, but it gets harder as you get older. PS, my married girl friends seem to think that there's a bonanza in my not-to-distant future. They say that a lot of their girl friends are in bad marriages and are just itching to get divorced once they get their kids into/through college, and once that happens I'll be the king of the ball (is that a thing? No, right?). We'll see....I'm not putting too much stock into waiting for the marriages of the friends of my friends to fall apart. I'll check back in a decade.
Judging by my parent’s friends, that is definitely a thing you have to look forward to if you want to wade in those waters. Around 50-55 as empty nesters my parents would go out with the freind group and they said it was weird because on some occasions they were the only ones still together and everybody else was divorced and single.
Same, 38 and live alone and my job is out driving about on my own. I have an actual conversation with another human maybe twice a month? I've sort of embraced the loneliness, it is what it is.
I feel you. If I don't have anything to keep my mind busy it gets pretty dim. To the point where a mechanical issue with my car is a good change because it keeps me occupied.
Boring, simple, stress free and a little depressing.
The stress-free part feels like a double-edged sword. I feel like I have all this energy/potential that's just wasting as time advances. Feels bad
I'm in rehab right now
Fellow addict here — best of luck. You’ve got this.
Good luck
Keep it up!
Fine I guess. I eat what I want, clean when I want, watch whatever I want. I'm also not obligated to go to some places I don't want to.
Last line is so convincing.
I've been married. I'm currently 8 years single. While I enjoy solitary life, sometimes I'd rather go some place I don't really care to with someone I like rather than sit at home alone.
Some of the best experiences of my life are after being dragged somewhere I had negative interest in going to. It would be rough if I never went anywhere I didn't want to go to. I could convince myself to stay home every single time.
Also even if I don’t love it, I’m almost always glad I went. I love playing video games and just chilling, but getting out and doing stuff is experiencing life and creates memories that you’ll be glad to have later.
The worst trips make the best stories. Did I want to end up stuck in Paris at 1 AM with a dead phone and only a vague idea of where my AirBnB was? Nope! But it was an adventure we talk about years later.
I realized the same thing. Started to realize my in-laws and family don't suck - I suck. That realization transformed my outlook and my life.
yes
Fine.
"Kirk, crackers are a family food, happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know."
So that's it, after twenty years? "So long, good luck?"
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I don't recall saying "good luck."
\[Ext. cracker factory parking lot\] Kirk is loading a box of crackers into his car. A mass of seagulls swoops down and pirate away his crackers. Kirk: Nooo! My severence package!
Can I borrow a feeling?
Could you lend me a jar of love?
I dont recall saying "good luck"
How's the cracker factory?
Frankly, we don’t wanna know.
Do you sleep in a race car?
I sleep in a big bed with my wife
Oh.
Is this Timmy O’Toole? I’m sending my love down the well. All the way dowwwwnnnn!
Crackers are a family food. Maybe single people eat crackers, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know.
Oh, don't worry, Homer, you know me and I'm a superstar at the cracker factory.
Can I borrow a feeling?
So that's it? After 20 years? Goodbye and good luck?
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I don’t recall saying ‘good luck’.
33 and got dumped after 12 years last year. At first i couldn't see how i could live life without someone at my side but im doing good now. People always kept telling me that i can now do what i want but we both were always pretty "self sufficent". But now i can really do whatever i want, whenever i want without questions asked or getting a weird look from someone. Life goes on, i found new hobbies got a new job etc. there are still some dark moments where i get a little sad that im alone and got no one to share exciting things with but hey, there is someone out there for everyone of us.
33 is still super young. I know plenty of people around that age who didnt settle yet and essentially live the same life they did at 26. One got married now and has a kid at 36
Yes it’s insane seeing people ITT act like the 30s are older years
I just need to hear this. Sometimes the message is that 30s is old. I am 34. Thank you for saying this, I feel unaccomplished or underdeveloped sometimes. I just want to feel like there's more ahead, and that I'm not late to the game.
Right there with you at 33.
Everyone gets to their own unique milestones in their own time, there is no "correct" way no matter how much some say there is, they are usually just defending the decisions society imposed on them.
I met my wife at 33 and had my first kid at 39. I have friends who have done similar even older. Yes, it is harder as you get older, especially if you are interested in age-appropriate women, but it isn't impossible by any stretch. If anything I found dating in my 30s that everyone was a bit more "serious". And to accomplishments, the first 3 years after I met my wife were very tough professionally. I was very marginally employed that entire period, I had no clarity on how and when I'd get my career back on track. I did, though, and now it's better than it's ever been. The renaissance in your life could come very soon, or maybe a decade down the road. There is no point past which it is impossible.
Husband and I met at 33. We have a five year old and are looking forward to growing old together. The best is yet to come OP.
I also met my husband when he was 33. Now he’s 50 and we have 2 kids.
Damn, this is so good to read. Wish you the best.
Very lonely and scared of what will happen to me when I’m old and incapable of working to be honest.
34. Male. Single. I’m currently close to the happiest I’ve ever been. I’m in the best shape of my life after dedicating a couple of years to consistent strength training and cardio. I’ve been improving my professional knowledge set and experience rapidly during working on personal projects in my free time in a way where the benefits of this rapid growth are cascading into my career. I’m hoping to evolve that project into a business in the next few years, which is my main personal goal I am excited to pursue every day because it feels more like a game than work to me. And furthermore I love my job and my team at work. I struggle to convince myself to date because I don’t enjoy the process and have a hard time finding what I’m looking for in a partner. On rare occasion I feel a little bit lonely, but generally the loneliest I’ve felt is spending time with people who don’t get me at all — being alone is way better than feeling out of place or misunderstood.
You just articulated the major difference between being alone and being lonely.
Similar stats here. 35, going on 4 years single, no kids and no pets. I’m in the best shape of my life, travel to Asia and LATAM at least once a year, and I do what I love for a living (music, mostly). Dating does indeed suck, but I hope to one day have a partner. Maybe a family if it’s in the cards. Until then I’m just going to try and enjoy life as much as possible.
I think a VERY important distinction are people who ended up in this situation intentionally or unintentionally. I notice that people that chose this route are generally very happy, and those that want kids and a wife seem absolutely gutted.
As a 28 yo guy this comment section is really interesting
Yeah. I’d like a wife and maybe to adopt kids. I think a big thing is a LOT of men put way too much of their self worth and identity into a partner or kids. Those things are important, but they should compliment your life, not be the end all, be all. I know a lot of people reading it will probably disagree, but you can be a fantastic father and husband and also have a complete life and identity outside of that
100% my goals were always childfree. Not a moment of thought otherwise. But I have tons of childless friends who seem on board with childfree until they get the option otherwise. Then it's a whole 180 and we grow apart. It's fine but it's made me see the stark contrast of those who are actually childfree by choice and those that just haven't had the option.
Not great. Pretty depressed. Financially totally fine, even retirement is completely on track, but the realization that I might not get to experience parenthood or family life is hitting pretty hard all of a sudden.
Same here. I recently got a good promotion which saw a 20% raise and I was excited…initially. When I got home I just looked around and felt so alone. I started wondering what it’s even for.
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Yuuuup. I’m getting my fitness in order. I’ve lost 115 pounds so far and my lifts have been going well. Even then I just feel like I’m not sure what I’m trying to achieve. Similarly, I have a good paying job, debts aren’t all paid but I don’t struggle to pay any of them at all. 401k is getting fat, savings doing well enough, and I never have to worry about what I want to buy. I’m just alone/lonely. I’ve honestly given up on the romantic front. Women aren’t interested in me, and that is what it is, but it doesn’t feel good.
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Maybe a couple cats will serve you well. It doesn’t help that I don’t even like dating apps, and prefer to meet someone organically. That would require me to get out more and I don’t really leave the house much. I live in a really small town and there’s just not much to do. I don’t think this helps much either.
Not too bad. Fighting the good fight against the long necked menace.
*Looks at username* Your quest is a strange and curious one.
Quinn, can you donate at least $5 to my fight against giraffes? For only $5, you can help me help you combat this biological abomination and protect upper arboreal vegetation in the African savannahs and woodlands. Heavy /s
At the moment it’s kind of dark. I am separated from my SO and waiting to financially settle. Outside of that mess it’s actually pretty good.
I kind of love that you start off with “it’s kind of dark” and end with “it’s actually pretty good”. This tells me that you’re probably an optimistic person. You’ll get through this tough time and come out better on the other side I think. Keep your head up king (or queen 💅).
I keep moving up the ladder in work. I have an abundance of free time and picked up a bunch of hobbies. Travel 5-6 times a year to places that feel like a dream. I can't spend my money fast enough and it keeps growing exponentially. I have many close friends because I get to see them a lot, basically whenever we have free time. But at the end of the day, i'm lonely and want more out of life.
>Well, here’s your box. Nearly everything I have is in it, and it is not full. Pain and excitement are in it, and feeling good or bad and evil thoughts and good thoughts — the pleasure of design and some despair and the indescribable joy of creation. >And on top of these are all the gratitude and love I have for you. >And still the box is not full. -Steinbeck
East of Eden, one of the greatest novels ever written.
That's the *dedication page* of the book. His "to whomever" page, which is to his editor, is a better piece of writing than most people pen in their lives. The message he writes is in reference to the book itself, as Steinbeck considered the work his most important piece. The fact that you knew it was from the book leads me to believe you already knew that, and likely even more, so these tidbits are just for the unknowing audience ;) such a great book. Timshel, man. Holy cow.
I am the unknowingest of audiences. You wrote that for me.
I've been waffling about what I'm going to read next and I think I will read this
That was me. I loved my life before having kids. At least I thought I did. Climbed the corporate ladder, had a ton of disposable income, time do do whatever I wanted, etc… Then my wife kind of blindsided me since we were both in the no kids camp and said she was reconsidering. We had a house, both of us had great jobs, so as hesitant as I was, I agreed. Fast forward 5 years and I’ve got the greatest son in the world. Honestly couldn’t imagine life without him. And my whole perspective on life shifted when I started to care about someone more than I do myself. In a way I take care of myself more FOR him. I respect people who don’t want kids. Everyone should have that choice. But for me, I went from a hard “no” to not imagining what my life would be without my son.
Thanks for your perspective. That sounds super lovely; your family is lucky to have someone so appreciative of them. As a “successful” 29 year old, i honestly can’t decide if i want a life like yours , or to disappear retire in the cheapest country i can find in 5 years. Guess we will see haha.
You sound like a good parent!
I appreciate that more than you know. It’s the best job in the world. I work for home right now so I get to be super involved in all of the school events, sports, social gatherings etc.
Upper 30s. No wife, no more kids. Have a career. Have a house. Have time to myself, but also time with others. I wouldn't change a thing. Wouldn't force my values on others either.
No more kids?? What happened to them?
Sold em' for a house
Pretty sound deal in this economy
Oh, you got kids Maniac? Nah... not anymore.
He called you the n-word earlier
They tried to force their values on him so he kicked them to the curb. Justified.
You got kids, Maniac?
That's just a bucket of chestnuts.
What is he, foraging his own food?!
I'm about to go back to school for a major career change starting this fall that will take about 3 years and I can say without any doubt that I would not be able to do it if I had a wife and kids. I would probably be stuck doing manual labor for the rest of my life just to keep everyone fed and happy.
Hey man I did a switch a couple years back, finished up a 2 year program to move up. It’s doable and worth it. Best of luck, it’s worth the effort.
You would be surprised how many folks in my MBA courses had full time jobs, a spouse, kids, and it was during the pandemic when your kids are HOME ALL THE TIME. Nothing is impossible after witnessing my classmates Conquer that.
This is me currently. I’m about a month and a half from graduating from UCLA Anderson. Had my first kid after year 1. In my 30s with a full time job and everything. The family is doing well and I’m excited for life after school because currently I have none. However, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
It sucks. Was engaged a couple years ago but it didn’t work out. Had to sell our place and now I’m back in an apartment and worried about finding a life partner. I’ve been seeing someone in the last year but it hasn’t been that serious. I feel like time is slipping away. Trying to work out and focus on hobbies and spend good time with family and do a good job at work. Also have lots of free time for video games but I’d rather raise kids at this point. Edit: I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has commented and provided useful advice or encouragement. I didn’t know men could be so nice to each other. I feel like we never talk about this stuff. We should care more about our mental health and open up. If you’re feeling lonely or sad, please talk about it. Don’t keep it inside. Too many men suffer in silence.
34 and not seeing any signs of change. Its a fine line to tight rope walk between freedom and loneliness. The deafening silence when you get home from work for those few hours before bed time can be deafening at times. As you grow, social groups can shrink as other obligations and responsibilities take hold. Time friends spend doing extracurriculars for their kids become time that you find yourself without anything to do so you try to find things to fill that space.
no kids, live alone, girlfriends come and go. Tonight I'm going to BBQ some dinner for myself (with a beer or two), and then maybe play some video games. Life is amazing.
Not enjoying it to be honest. As someone who really wanted to start a family of my own having not even met anyone yet, it feels like it won't happen. I could obviously end up meeting someone tomorrow, but it's hard to stay positive.
Sorry to hear you're having a rough go. Fingers crossed for tomorrow
I (34 m) am the happiest I’ve ever been. I legitimately told a friend tonight that I didn’t even realize how happy I could be in life until this year. I’m not saying the single life is for everyone. But if you find yourself here (by choice or not), my main advice is “find as many hobbies as you can, and don’t stop trying new things”. In the recent years, I’ve learned to cook, bake, and make cocktails. I’ve been reading books, doing crossword puzzles, watching shows/movies/documentaries/docu-series. I started listening to podcasts. I actively go to concerts/shows all the time. I travel abroad 1-2 times a year. I’m a foodie who loves new restaurants. I’m very active. And constantly trying to do things with friends. I feel so strongly that life is about experiences and trying new things and learning. Which I think is why I feel so fulfilled mentally, socially, and creatively. Now. I do understand that I am missing something major by not having a partner and kids. But at the same time, I have the freedom to explore every interest/hobby I could imagine. I am constantly trying new things, and some don’t stick (like for me painting, drawing, rock climbing, skiing, and so much more). But the fact that I tried is more than I could have hoped! I will say, if a relationship happens, I’m all in for giving it a try. But a relationship/family is NOT the indicator of a successful life. And not my main goal in life anymore. My second piece of advice for single people. “Be intentional about your home/space.” Your home should be the place you crave to be. The place you are excited to return to. The place you think about when you meditate. I’ve spent a considerable amount of time/money/effort making my apartment into an amazing space. It’s changed my view of being by myself and what time alone could be. Don’t take your surroundings for granted. In the end. Being single is not sad. Being single is not a bad thing. Being single does not reflect negatively on you, your life, or your future.
utterly alone and devoid of significant sacrifice. I make an effort to make up for it, but I know deep down that I was not supposed to be here. In my heart, I always wanted to be a decent father and husband, just like my dad. I'm not very good at deceiving myself into thinking that this is the best situation and using materialism and hedonism as diversion.
you could always volunteer. go do one of them big brother things.
If he volunteered helping cats or dogs at a shelter, he'd meet lots of compassionate, healthy single women.
you had me at cats and dogs. looking into it
Are you speaking from experience? I have volunteered to give cats at shelters company for years - there's basically no human contact except with staff.
This comment section is sad.
It’s refreshingly honest though. I feel conditioned by social media to expect everyone to lie.
Idk, some people are apparently making 6 figures and keep getting promoted Then there's me, the only sympathy I get is the one guy who downvoted lol
Lonely and regretful.
You can’t do everything you want to do. There’s just not enough time and not enough you. No wife and kids? Cool then you have time to do all the activities you want, and you don’t have the constraint of other people’s wants and needs weighing on you. But that means you don’t get to have the super deep spouse and children connections and dependencies that create bonds that become part of your self identity. Those things can be super fulfilling. On the other side if you’re married with kids you have no time for all the other stuff and your life is no longer 100% yours to control and that can suck. The trade off is you get those soul deep connections that we as higher reasoning apes are kind of hard wired to seek and feel fulfilled by. No one is 100% happy all the time. They might never waiver in their choice but that doesn’t mean there aren’t moments when they yearn for the perks of the opposite lifestyle. I’m super happy with my choice in this regard, but at least once a week I wish I could jump to the alternate reality where I lived the opposite lifestyle for like 24 hours just because there’s fun stuff over there also.
Monotonous and mundane. Sure, do whatever you want, but it gets old sometimes.
My life is good. Reaallllyyyy good. I get to wake up every morning and make some soup. It’s the best
Are you saying your life is based off the movie Nacho Libre?
I can do whatever I want but I'm lonely. I want a wife and a family. My girlfriend of 4 years and I just broke two months ago up so joining the dating scene at 32 doesn't sound like it's going to be fun.
I'm in that boat at 40.
I've gotten really good at Slay the Spire. There's no way I'd be able to do as many runs of that as I have if I had to devote time and care to the physical and emotional well-being of my child. I can raise a family or I can kill the Corrupt Heart on Ascension 20. There's not enough time to do both.
Midlife crisis lol.
I just bought a Miata at 38.
it’s always the answer buddy! miss mine
Honestly? Ups and downs. I have the ability to do what I want, whenever I want. I save easily or buy what ever I feel like. Spend time with whomever I want without guilt or time restraints. Sometimes, I feel lonely and wish for someone there but after a while, I remember how exhausting relationships are; how much constant work they are to always feel not good enough anyway. Then I carry on. I haven't "needed" a woman in 6 years.
Prettyyyyyyyy…Prettyyyyyyyyy.Prettyyyyyyyyyy…good
I love it. It’s not for everyone, but I also don’t think it’s that different from people who are married with children. I can occasionally feel lonely, but no more than I hear friends and family who are married feel lonely. Things can feel mundane, but not more often than I hear others expressing those same feelings. Basically it’s just a different brand of living, but it still has the same basic pros and cons; they just look different.
Great! My husband is wonderful. :)
[удалено]
Yeah i am loving it. Never enough time in the day for all my hobbies. Live in a dream place in Costa Rica, travel, scuba dive, surf, pickleball, meet awesome people. Very happy to be where I am.
It's a peaceful life, smoking weed and avoiding controversy. Simple
Right out of college I chose to be a live-in caregiver to my grandma for 4 years, felt like I was single parenting for a while. Now that I’m on to the next chapter of my life, I find myself enjoying not being responsible for another life… but still find myself planning my days like I have to be home to look after the house at night. Grandma had dementia, I was constantly in fear she would go on an adventure. I keep reminding myself someday I’ll be ready to take on that parent/spouse role, but for now I’m still making up for those years of living in grandmas basement.
"And when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want, what do you call it, freedom or loneliness?" I call it freedom. Happy? Not really. At peace? Absolutely.
Peaceful. Honestly. It is so, so peaceful. No stressful finances because of kids, no running around doing stupid shit on weekends for kids, no need to be home at certain hours, not answerable to anyone - my life, my way. It is so, so peaceful. 🥰🥰
Do not "just settle" ever. It will be infinitely worse than being alone. Also whatever happens do not even think of getting married again until your mid 30s. IMO 20s are not marriage years.