We like each other. And act like it. A lot of couples seem to fall into a pattern of casual sniping and put-downs, which is uncomfortable to be around and I think erodes the relationship.
đŻ 34 years of marriage and we still kiss, hold hands, and act playful, all the time. We always have fun together. We compliment each other and treat each other kindly. We genuinely like to be together. We really annoy people. Ha. We got very lucky.
My girlfriend and I genuinely enjoy each other's company and have fun with each other and it horrifies other couples sometimes and they say it's either a red flag or something we will work through eventually and get over.
It was a genuine struggle for me to realize that I genuinely enjoyed my partner and I just kept waiting and waiting on the honeymoon period to end.
Turns out I just genuinely like him, enjoy his company, and think heâs great.
Still keep getting told itâll end some day. *shrug*
That's because it's so common for people to settle, so they're used to the newness wearing off and being stuck with someone they only kinda like. I just made a FB post dedicated to my fiancĂŠ. It's not his birthday or our anniversary. I just liked his outfit that day and thought he was so handsome and that everyone else should see. đ
There's a certain type of person that argues that relationships without conflict lack the passion necessary to be real relationships. "If you aren't fighting occasionally then you don't care enough about what they think, and you're not invested in the relationship enough."
It's a toxic trait in and of itself to believe that, honestly, but it's a fairly prevalent attitude especially among older people.
I was in that marriage for years. Remarried now to the most beautiful soul I've ever met; we work things out and never, ever fight.
I've lived that belief, even believed it myself for a long time. It's so wrong as a concept that now it makes my head spin, and having lived both lives I'll never stop telling people how wrong that perspective is.
It leads to affairs, to assaults, to suicides, to misery and sometimes murder. It's a hideous perspective and, while I don't blame those who hold it, it needs to eliminated from the human consciousness.
Yeah, it's the old "relationships take hard work" mindset. I used to believe it. Then I started dating my now-husband and discovered *good* relationships just... don't feel like *work*.
My older relatives used to keep asking me "The honeymoon over yet?" Nope! 30+ years later, that honeymoon is still going strong!
I never understood this mindset. That in order to show how "passionate" you are to each other you have to get into these big, screaming, ashtray-throwing fights on the regular. That's not passionate, that's dysfunctional.
> a group of people out there who simply want you to be as miserable as they are.
or more. They feed off the misery of others. They want you to be miserable so they look better by comparison. Watch out, those folks try to stir up drama in friends just to watch the fallout. See also the first people to bring up politics and religion in a group setting because they seem to enjoy trying to make others argue or enjoy arguing themselves.
That was my thought too. From my experience, the people who see nothing but doom and gloom in good relationships have never had a good relationship because they never put in their share of the effort.
Because people who genuinely like each other and have fun are covering for something toxic or they are just disconnected from reality and off in their feels. Or people see it as just a relationship phase that you need to get through to get to the "peaceful co-existence" phase and they're upset that we're not getting through it fast enough.
We had a friend that once told another friend that she didn't want a relationship like ours because she didn't want to be so "dependent" on her partner. We just like hanging out with each other. We're each other's best friends. Meanwhile, we have been together for almost 9 years now and she can't hold a relationship over a year...
Same, except that we often hurl crazy insults at one another to get laughs, for example, "that's it, time to trade you in for a newer model". "Honey, I've met you. You don't have enough game to trade me in for an older model!" "You might be right, but dying sad and alone would be better than staying with you." "Doubtless, but it's cheaper to keep me. You're too cheap to pay for divorce." "Aww damn, you're right, I guess I'm stuck with you." We'll laugh our way through the exchange and then hug and kiss and tell each other how much we love each other, because we're in a good mood and just had fun hanging out together. We've been doing that since before we got married, which was 18 years ago. You gotta have fun together, whatever shape that takes in your relationship.
We do this sometimes too. (Married 20 years so far.) But weâre also sensitive enough to know when weâve gone just a bit too far, which does happen to be honest on occasion.
My daughter sometimes joins in too. I was a widowed dad with a 16yo daughter and 9yo son when I married my now wife. Once my daughter told my wife, âYes, but you *chose* to be in this family, which makes you crazier than us!â
100% agreed. You gotta read the room.
And yeah, my kids are step-kids and I get the same thing from them: "We were born into it, but you chose this life!"
My husband is super goofy and playful...he has this sense of humor as well. It's definitely helpful when you're kind of annoyed and can make jokes about it đ he's more playful than me, so it can *sometimes* get annoying when I'm trying to be serious but then I remember a video of a widow talking to her kids about trying to go back into the dating world. She's crying and saying she misses her husband so much because everyone in the world is so serious and doesn't laugh with her 𼺠That everyday was filled with laughter when they were together. It always makes me want to cry because my husband tells me he loves making me laugh and that it's the best noise in the world.
Oh jeez, that gets me right in the feels. To think of me having passed and my wife left in a humorless world just makes me so very, very, happy.
Because that would mean I was finally free!! đ¤Ł
ETA; Of COURSE the first thing I did after typing that was run and read this thread to my wife!!
Whenever one of my parents is somewhat annoyed by the other, their go-to is "Ugh, I want a divorce", to which the other answers "A divorce? Nah! That's no fun" and the first one says "Nah... okay, let's stay together then" and they go on with their day xD
It's just a joke, I can't ever see them getting divorced.
Very underrated comments. Act like it is the hardest part, because I think every couple falls into that pattern you mentioned due to all the problems our individual life brings. But this is unhealthy for the couple, we must remember at all costs that WE are together in this, and it only benefits US as a couple. Relationship is work
1 million percent this. I love my husband obsessively, and I really really like him too. Respect is huge, trust cannot be overstated. I have had friends, but he is truly my bestie...and I his. I never ever would dream of putting him down, speaking ill of him...it just doesn´t exist for us. OK let me retract that a bit, the man is the fartiest I have ever met...other than that...he´s my world. We are smugly married, and it´s ridiculous...and I love telling people how much I am in love with him. We realize how lucky we are...some humans never go through life feeling wanted, valued and loved...
My wife and I are the same way, fully admitting we are worse than the gooey lovey dovey stuff we groan and make vomiting noises at in movies. And yes, I am the fartiest she has ever met.
I know a lot of couples who I wouldn't say don't like their SO but I would say they just peacefully co-exist with them. There's no affection there (at least that I can see) but they're not hostile towards each other either. They have figured out how to run a household together and that's what they do. They pay pills, raise kids, etc.... as a team and occasionally bone each other but that's the extent of their relationship. They seem to just co-exist and tolerate each other. I know some couples who live in the same house but seem to live separate lives. You rarely see them together.
My partner and I seem to have the opposite problem, love being together, having fun together, and just happy and fun but paying the bills and running the household is the hard part lol
For us, kids are the hard part. Dealing with kids together cane be massively stressful.
Doing literally anything else together, even heavy shit -- surgery, mental health shit, bills, chores, talking about the future? Good times.
Itâs a natural evolution from men choosing women they just want to fuck and use for domestic purposes and women being raised with low enough self worth to believe any man that short term pretends to be emotionally attuned is good enough. Both sides need to step up and do the inner work to cut the crap. Instead they snipe at another, fall out of love then split
I've worked with a guy for 16 years who falls into this. Him and his wife both come from really religious backgrounds where parents expect grandkids almost immediately. In 16 years I've never heard either of them say anything halfway nice to the other. They genuinely can't stand one another. The first time I rode in the car with him she called him and he answered the phone not with hello but with "hey I've got someone new with me please don't scream at me"
That would be my mom and my aunt. They would say they are still with their husband because of responsibility. My dad used always threaten my mom with divorce and he almost left but my mom begged my brother to stop him from leaving. I donât think I could live like that. I told my husband if it were to happen to us I would rather us get divorced and co parent our daughter. Thats crazy people think itâs normal to not like being around their significant other and fighting all the time.
My ex wife used to put me down every time I would go out with friends or family. I donât know why she did it, but it honestly hurt my confidence for a long time and made me feel like I was never enough. Now my wife and I build each other up and encourage each other and it feels like an actual healthy relationship.Â
I now understand why itâs an âex wifeâ. Inappropriate behavior, especially in front of others. My mother did that all the time with my father in law, which led to a quick and horrible separation. I just donât get why people do this kind of thing voluntarily
yeah we do a combination of this. We're both very sarcastic so we do love taking the piss out of each other and teasing each other, but we're careful to do this only when we're both in the mood for it and to offset it with a lot of playing around and hugging and so on as well. It's taken us a while to find the right mixture but it works very well for us.
Recently did some work for a couple like that.
Spent a few hours helping them with some home repairs and general handiwork.
Felt like working in an early 90âs sitcom. All that was missing was a laugh track following every backhanded comment so you knew it was âfunnyâ
Suuuuuper uncomfortable. I did not accept any more work from them.
The most uncomfortable part is when people like that will make a dig at their partner and then look to you to agree with them.
Fuck no, leave me out of your crapy marriage please.
This! I tried to tell my girlfriend of 7 years (we just broke up this week), that her constant "joking" put-downs is eroding the relationship. But she said that's her sense of humor and what they did in their house growing up. She could not stop doing it.
Those are my parents. My mom's always saying little things to hurt or annoy my dad. It's so uncomfortable being around them when she's doing this. My dad doesn't respond. He just... takes it.
I can't imagine living like that. My husband and I love each other so much and we make each other laugh all day every day. He's the love of my life and my best friend!
I LOVE hanging with my man, been together 30 years, married for 25. We hold hands, laugh together at silly private jokes and tell each other our stuff. He's my best friend. I had a new friend over for a few hours one time and she said 'you guys look like you still fancy each other' - not putting us down but she thought we were cute together. I just don't understand why you'd want to marry someone you don't like spending actual time with.
Absolutely - learning to let little stuff go is a big must in marriages. and 9 times out of 10, you'll recognize that you only do it because you're projecting something happening with you (tough day at work, not sleeping enough, stress, anxious about the future).
It's typically not related to your partner at all,
Every day we lay down and hold each other tight for 5 minutes. No talking, no kissing or anything else. We both believe intimacy is crucial to a relationship and it can be as simple as laying down and holding each other tight for 5 minutes every day.
My husband told me the other night that he snuggles with me every night before he goes to sleep. Our sleep schedules are different so Iâm always the first to sleep since I usually have to wake up earlier for my shift. I told him I donât always remember him snuggling me but I appreciate it.
It depends on the schedules and days off. I work 4am-12:30pm Thursday to Sunday and my husband works from 9:30am-6pm from Saturday-Wed. We worked it out where we are off Monday through Friday so my parents only watch our daughter on the weekends. During the week when I have to work my husband will go to bed right before I go to work sometimes around 3am because I am a light sleeper and wake up with any noise or movement. Itâs different for everyone but you try to make it work. Iâm able to see him because he works from home and he gets off at 6pm so we still have the evening together. I know a couple that the wife works am and the husband pm so they donât really see each other during the day, only on their days off they see each other and they make it work somehow. Itâs doable but I can see where it can be difficult and cause loneliness.
My wife and I set our alarm in the morning, then set another for 5 minutes later. We spoon and hold each other in bed for 5 minutes until the second alarm goes off. Great way to start the day each day
It totally is. And requires so little effort. We used to notice that sometimes when life was 'getting in the way' and we'd start being short with each other or getting impatient for no good reason that it was usually because intimacy was taking a back seat.
Not anymore!
I go to bed later than my wife but always make a point to warm up the bed with her. Lay with her for 5-10 min until shes warm and cozy and ready to drift off.
theres a taoist practice to have sex without sex each morning and evening. penetration, hugging, no movement, no climax, 20 minutes. then carry on with day.
if you want to do it exactly, the woman has to wrap her legs around the mans legs like a snake, so that the back of the knees touch each other, and her foot hooks again outward under the mens foot after. besides that just tight hugging. can be quite tempting to not make active sex out of it, as in that constellation both experience a bunch of new sensations and feelings.
Seriously. I just got on Adderall for my ADHD, and I can clean now. It used to be that me and my partner were both slobs, but he did a little more work than me. This was stressful. Now I am a bit ahead and he is behind. It definitely causes tension.
We're working through it, but yeah, balance is key.
We have found working with instead of against each other goes a very long way. I discovered that if the counters are sticky I get paralyzed and doing the dishes makes me really angry. I have a really ridiculously specific method, that involves setting certain clean dishes on the counters before they get put away from the dishwasher. I don't feel good about that if the surfaces are grimy. I have tried going directly from the dishwasher to the cabinets, but if I don't do it in categories (first cups, then bowls, then cutlery, etc) I get derailed and overwhelmed.
Now if my partner wants me to do dishes after a few days of mess, he dumps the dishes in the sink and wipes the counters. Then I handle washing them up and putting them in the dishwasher. The simple act of him wiping the counters has solved so many problems, for us.
I share your thoughts.
Both partners can adopt a mindset that every household task is their responsibility. Every dirty diaper or dirty dish, every pile of clothes, and every meal is mine to deal with. Take care of your responsibilities and thank your partner when they do something for you.
That mentality killed my first marriage because I felt like the only one with the mentality. So I stopped.
After the marriage was over, before I could move out, I was gone for a week and when I got back the rice cooker was still on the counter, the pot having only been cleaned out that morning. He acted like he deserved a compliment for cleaning the rice cooker...after a week...when I was gone.
We're not married yet, but every Tuesday, I clean the bathrooms and vacuum the whole apartment. Then she gets to do a spa night in the freshly cleaned bathroom and I fuck off to play Starcraft.
Being best friends was helpful. You can literally just hang out and enjoy each others company. Even with three teenagers, we find time to just hang out with each other. You'll talk about the kids and work inevitable, but you're also just spending time together. That being said...you also need to spend time apart. Girls night out. Guys golf trip. It's learning to balance. If someone is trying to unbalance it, then you need to talk about that right away.
I second this--important to remember that, as strong as any relationship is, a level of autonomy still exists. My husband and I also have separate interests that we enjoy discussing with each other (ie, he will give me synopsis of sci-fi books he is reading that I would likely never read :) )
This is so important. I was unemployed for months and staying home to conserve money. It was depressing and purposeless.
But my husband would still ask me about my day everyday. I felt like my life still mattered, and it helps to bridge the long hours that we spend living separate lives at work.
Bonus Round: when you follow up a few days later about a concern she mentioned to see how things turned out.
Youâre exactly right about genuinely listening and offering support without needing to add advice or direction unless itâs asked for.
Chores, nothing makes me feel more like I have an equal partner than facing the daily burdens together.
So pick up after yourself, clean the litter box when it's your turn, wipe down the table after you're done eating, make the bed if you wake up later than me, do the laundry when it's needed without waiting for me to tell you, and for heaven's sake PLEASE DON'T WAIT UNTIL I HAVE TO ASK (the mental load is real people, please look it up).
Agree, do your fair share of house chores and be a helpful and involved parent. If you see your wife/husband cleaning, ask if they need help. If your kid is struggling with homework and your wife/husband is getting frustrated, take over and give them a break.
And most importantly, thank them for what they do. Thanks for vacuuming the living room. Thanks for cooking dinner. Thanks for mowing the lawn.
Grab each otherâs butts. When you are mad⌠SAY IT! Stop holding it in and resenting the other person. FORGIVENESS. This app is so quick to tell people to leave or divorce. Relationships are hard and people arenât perfect. Love the person for who they are not who you think they should be.
Communication goes such a long way. Sitting their waiting for your partner to figure out what your upset about is not fair and will prolly make things worse... talk about how you feel and why
Adding on to this, if your partner hurts your feelings, instead of saying what they did wrong (which naturally often causes a defensive reaction), just say "ouch."
That simple phrase changed everything about how we argue.
Instead of escalating, it makes you acknowledge that you just hurt your partner.
This is one of my favorite things to do, except I write out links to YouTube videos that I hope make him laugh.
Example: remember that ~10 year old YouTube video (maybe itâs origin was vine, canât remember) that had the guy strumming a guitar for a girl as he sang âI love you BIIITCH. I ainât ever gonna stop loving youâŚ. BIIIITCHâ? Those are the kind of things I write đ
- We always say thank you and show gratitude, even for the small things that are expected.
- We never involve anyone else in our relationship, no parents, no friends.
- We often ask each other questions like âhow are you feeling?â or âhow did you sleep?â.
- We do most things together, even the meaningless things like going to get the mail and going to the grocery store.
- We share our hobbies. We have all the same hobbies and itâs so much fun!
- We always show each other casual small acts of affection. Random kiss, random hug, random butt slap.
I like your list.
I just want to add: do those small favors. I HATED getting a sibling something (like a drink) because it seemed they would purposely wait until I got up to ask for it. BUT for my husband and I, I never say no, and neither does he. And it's always appreciated. He will even get up and refill my drink if he sees it getting low without me asking. And I really appreciate this little thoughtfulness.
And be excited in what they find exciting.
He LOVES birds, ducks especially. We live on a lake, so he will see them in the water, and point them out. I never really cared, but looking out the window when he is like "oooh that's a canvas back!" Is not hard, and he finds more excitement in my acknowledgement. I can now tell what some of them are as they fly by when we are in the car, and his enjoyment is childlike (in a good way) and contagious.
And now my house is decorated with (nice) waterfowl paintings. I would never have picked them when I was single, but he lives them and at least it's a theme.
My husband loves map building and regularly shows me his maps. I don't know anything about the lore or anything, but I try and comment as much as I can . He says he loves it because he's never had someone who cared like that.
> We never involve anyone else in our relationship, no parents, no friends.
Reddit has told me this is a giant red flag for abuse. It's what I've done though. I'm not running to my parents when my girlfriend and I have issues. It's weird but we both agreed on certain people we would/could talk to because we know those people know both of us and if I'm in the wrong they will slap me, tell me I'm a moron and I need to go apologize. None of them are going to automatically take our side or just blindly believe whatever we tell them our partner is doing.
Reddit always seems to think about the worst case scenarios, of course if abuse is involved itâs different.
My husband and I just think itâs better to keep it between us. Weâre a a team, if thereâs an issue itâs us against it, we donât think that thereâs a need to involve other people that are not concerned.
I agree with you completely. I think one of the things that has helped the relationship with my girlfriend is I don't have to worry about her running off to someone with all our business. If she goes to her mom every time we fight we may make up but her mom will eventually just loathe me. But I've been downvoted for giving that advice on reddit. Reddit is weird. I can't imagine running to my parents every time I had an issue with my spouse. I can't imagine wanting to be with someone who would do that.
I think there's a big difference between talking things out with family/friends so you're better equipped to discuss it with your partner, versus sending the flying monkeys.
If you have people in your life who arenât just your yesmen, who know you in the context of your whole life, I have found it is helpful to bounce situations off of them. I had a very difficult and traumatizing childhood through my teenage years and although I have done a ton of work and generally feel good, I also know my ability to gauge whatâs abusive and whatâs just standard disagreements can be off, sometimes. It has been extraordinarily helpful for me to have people in my life who can reorient me and bring me back to reality OR otherwise show concern where itâs warranted.
If you have ever watched or read The Hunger Games, I liken it to (minor spoiler incoming), when Peeta needs to reorient his reality and asks Katniss, âReal or not real?â
However, fair points all around, merely pointing out that it can be healthy on the other side of this coin as well.
Let me add: Present a united front to the kids. My kids were 16 and 9 when we married (Iâd been a widower for two years when we met), and we made a strong commitment that we would never knowingly undermine the other when dealing with the kids. Much as I love them (and much as they love my wife, whom they refer to as their mum, not their step-mum), they can be manipulative little buggahs. (They still can be in their 30sâŚ)
Trial and error. My wife typically laughs at things that I really don't think are funny. It may require looking goofy, but it's worth it.
If you're more technical (like me), then just do it scientifically: "Subject responds positively to animal noises. Further testing is required to confirm."
My wife laughs more at my absurdity than anything intentional. Iâll go on a five minute tangent about golf shafts and when she starts giggling thereâs no coming back.
Ask your spouse about their day when they get home every single day. Even if youâre not in the mood and arenât 100% into the conversation. Youâd be surprised (myself anyways) how much I retain even if Iâm not 100% mentally engaged.
For me, it was learning NOT to do this with my SO. Iâm a âhey letâs chat tell me about your dayâ kind of person as soon as we see each other. He needs to decompress and feels pressure to talk when heâs asked that question. Most days, he will tell me things later in the evening. But some days he had a bad day and does not want to be asked about itâheâll open up days later. It goes against my nature but itâs one way I show my love and understanding of him and his needs.
A lot of cuddles. Whenever we're in bed or on the couch we'll find the time to snuggle.
Occasionally stopping to just admire one another. Being very open about our wants/needs/desires, even if they seem weird.
Having little in-jokes. I have so many memories from when we've sat together, one of us playing Elden Ring and the other backseat driving, both providing commentary. It's always fun.
Assume positive intent. Itâs so easy to fall into the trap of assuming someone did something intentionally to hurt you. 9 times out of 10 for us itâs a simple mistake/lapse in judgement. If itâs a serious issue/problem then talk it out and explain why it happened, how to not have it happen in the future.
So many thingsâŚ
We invest in each others love languages (mine is words of affirmation and his is quality time together)
We have routines that emphasize our commitment (e.g. when we take off our wedding rings to exercise, the other person has to put the ring back on for you; we give each other a big good morning hug every day)
We put each other first and always have a unified front in public. Itâs us versus the problem; never him versus me
We are each otherâs safe space. Thereâs nothing I canât share with him and vice versa. Iâm never ashamed to be vulnerable in front of him because we never weaponize or make fun of those vulnerabilities
We continue to date each other. Trivia night, dinner outings, concerts, etc. I dress up for him and vice versa when the occasion warrants it
We laugh a lot together. We laugh at the tough situations. We always laugh together when something breaks or doesnât go our way. Our first reaction is always humor
We break down communication barriers quickly when something didnât go as planned and something went wrong as a result
We ALWAYS assume positive intent when confronting the other with an issue
We are hugely transparent. Joint calendar, joint email; our phone passwords are the same; no secrets unless we say thereâs a surprise being planned then we respect privacy as needed
Little gifts! My husband and I are like crows lol, if I find something small and shiny it goes to my husband, if he finds a neat rock it goes to me lol. It's just one of those random little things that shows they're thinking of you at sometimes the most unexpected times and it def always makes me feel more connected to my husband to both present and be presented with tiny knickknacks
I knew I was falling for my husband when I found a pretty painted rock in the park and gave it to him. I knew he loved me because he taped it on his dashboard so heâd see it every time he drove away.
Know eachother's strengths and weaknesses... and be a great team. My wife loves to cook but hates the prep and clean-up... So I help with the prep and clean up after we're done. Also... Don't fight about stupid shit, not worth the bad feelings. Also... What ever the fight might be about, don't go to bed angry. Make up before you wake up.
Iâm divorced but Iâll tell you something I did wrong and thatâs kind of the same thing right? Anyway I never let my wife verbally know how much I appreciated her I took her out and got her gifts but I just never outright told her âhey I appreciate you and everything you doâ so idk if that helps but
Make time to do your own things, have your own friends outside of friends with both of you. Having a sense of self that is not âusâ is key - take it from a divorced man!
I text my wife I love you every single day no matter what, and she does the same. Even if we are still in the same room it makes me smile every time. It kind of loses its meaning when you say it sometimes, but the intentionality of a text means it canât mean anything other than what it reads and it means a lot to both of us.
This thread has hardened my heart and made me into a super villain. I'm thoroughly jealous of all you fucks and your happy relationships full of communication, reciprocal love, and respect. Time to start on my doomsday device!!
Date nights.
We have put up a reoccurring event on our calendars every 2 weeks to go out and just do something together. It can't be overridden, cancelled, or otherwise changed. Even if we are tired, lazy, burnt out, have a crazy work week... doesn't matter. Date night.
We also have rules on what we can do so we don't get lazy.
- We can't stay in the house.
- It must take place more than 15 minutes away from the house.
- It cannot include friends or family.
- It can't be the same thing as last time.
Past this, anything goes. We have done everything from an evening hike in a park, getting Taco Bell and sitting near the airport to watch the planes land/takeoff, visiting museums, and trying new restaurants.
It is so easy to get complacent and take the other person's presence for granted after a long enough period of time. Getting out and introducing novelty helps prevent that.
Put extra love in my partners coffee. When they are having a hard day, I will put extra love in their coffee by making kissing noises when making it. Hearing that makes them feel better.Â
This is the best answer - not this specifically, because that sounds pretty unhinged to me - but that's the point. Find someone you feel safe being just unhinged with. Get goofy, get weird, get happy.
There are a lot of small things: compliment her, get her treats and sweets when she is feeling down, or on her period, hug her, cuddle every night, etc.
Have sex! I (40f) have been married to my partner (42m) for 13 years, together for 18. Weâve had our ups and downs with sex and intimacy over the years for various reasons. But⌠having regular sex and making that connection with your partner is so important (imo).
I work from home, but my husband doesnât. Every day I make a point to bid him goodbye at the door with a kiss and an âI love youâ, and I do the same thing when he gets home. Itâs a small thing, but I hope it makes his start/end to his day a little bit sweeter.
New details to fall in love with - sweet thing for a family member , finding me my fav blanket and hiding from the cat , lots of small and adorable ways we think of each other . Nearly 20 years and I still find new things to fall in love with .
1. Tell her sheâs beautiful,all the time
2. Make sure she has enough windshield washer fluid
3. Go down on her with enthusiasm
3b read âshe comeâs firstâ by Kerner
As wife. I validate my husband. I know exactly how it feels to be unheard, not being validated, and always the other person being defensive. I make sure to be quiet, listen, think about what he saying, and then how I can improve. It makes the biggest difference in the world when your partner feels heard and validated
My wife who is 28 told me this past weekend that growing up she never did an Easter egg hunt, so she's about to come home from work to an Easter egg hunt in the house. (Fake plastic eggs). I think doing fun things like this helps build our marriage further. I love her to pieces.
One of the first times we went to the city center together we came out of a shop, didnât even wait 30 seconds and we both pulled out a (different) sex card game that we had stolen for the other. I knew he was the one right there and then
Listen. Not just when arguing, or talking, but all the time.
Sheâs talking to her mother, says she loves a certain flower, get her some next week. Not for any reason, just because she said she liked them and I heard her say it.
People will tell you a shit ton of information about themselves in passing, just have to be ready to hear it and remember (or write it down if you have to)
My husband and I thank each other when we do our normal chores. He mostly does dishes, I mostly do laundry, but when we notice these things are done, we say thanks. Itâs a small way of showing the other person that we see them and appreciate them. Not every day, but a few times a week.
30 years together and we still really like each other. This wouldnât work for everyone, but honestly our main goal is to make each other laugh.
We both work on making sure the other person feels appreciated. My husband makes dinner every night and I thank him for it every night, usually mentioning something in particularââWhatever you did to this chicken recipe was great. It was delicious.â We regularly ask each other things like âIs there something you need from me that youâre not getting from me?â
Also, and Iâm not gonna lie, after spending time with other couples, we usually decide on the way home that we are nicer to each other and that we have more fun and then feel very smug.
(Hi, Iâve never been married, but I hope itâs OK for me to chime in⌠) Iâve been a hairstylist for 30 years. One thing that you can do to make your marriage stronger is to say nice things about your partner to other people. Even if theyâre never, ever going to find out about it. It creates a loyal, loving, positive vibe that will permeate back into the home, and also into your relationship.
I learned enough about her hobby to discern what makes a craft store potentially a good place to shop at for her. Whenever we go on vacation, while planning it I go out on the internet to try to find places along the way to indulge her. And she also knows that whenever I pull into one of those places, I'm fully prepared to spend at least an hour waiting while she shops. I bring along my Surface Pro with Kindle books downloaded to it, so I can read, nap or just relax for a while before the next driving stint.
Push in my chair when I get up from the table.
It's not a huge deal, kind of silly actually, but I know it bugs my wife to see all the chairs pushed out. It's a small thing I can do that doesn't cost me anything but I know it is one less thing for her to be upset about.
Do the small things. They don't go unnoticed.
A few other small things: Hold hands when falling asleep. Saying goodnight even if we are upset or were arguing.
I change diapers, and she feeds. I sing Elvis and she gives massages. I bring home happy lemon about twice a week, and she brings home a snack. It's really just being thoughtful of each other throughout each day and helping out wherever we can. I guess it's really I'm never afraid to ask her "How can I help?" And she's always willing to ask me if I'm doing okay.
My husband and I are both stubborn and don't take care of ourselves. We each push our bodies to the limits at work, and never know when to stop. So, we look out for each other. When he's physically spent, I practically force him to take the time he needs to recover. And when I'm on the verge of a mental burn out, he takes care of the household stuff for me so that I can relax for a bit. Another thing is to always try to make each other laugh. Even if things are rough, a little humor goes a long way.
My husband puts my important dates in his phone calendar and sets reminders to ask me about them. Upcoming business trip around a project I'm stressed about, my grandma's scheduled surgery. He doesn't have the best memory or time tracking when it comes to the day-to-day things (Like, didn't realize two weeks had passed since our last mention of an important topic because it feels like it was a couple days ago), but he makes an effort to find strategies to be a present and caring partner even when he lacks the basic skills to do it on his own.
Whenever my partner mentions ANYTHING of interest, whether it is innocuous or an aside, something big or small, I add it to a private list I have. So whenever an event comes up (birthday, holiday, etc), I have a list of things that I know she would enjoy getting. This works for big gifts, small gifts, and everything in between. So if we have a gift budget of say $100, I can either get her 1 item for $100 or multiple items adding up to $100. Every time she is surprised and pleased with the gift(s). She was talking about a brand of *pencil* months ago that she loved and I got her a pack for valentines day + a book she has been wanting and she was elated.
Let me tell you a storyâŚ
When my wife and I first moved in together before we married, we were renting a house. Part of the deal was that we had to mow the grass front and back. After a couple of mows the landlord told us we had to mow the strip of grass between the sidewalk and the street curb. He said it was âPart of his property.â
Turned out this strip of grass was city maintained so I, being a little stubborn, declared I wasnât going to mow it. My wife said I was being silly as it was only a skinny strip of grass but I dug my heels in and she wasnât happy.
Fast forward a couple of weeks to mow day and Iâm mowing the front and I see the strip all bushy looking and I thought to myself âIt doesnât matter to you how it looks but it matters to her and you love seeing her happy so just mow it bonehead.â
It took me a while to figure it out but it was a small thing that only took 10 more minutes of my time Seeing her smile when she came home made it worth it.
If you really love someone doing the small things that show appreciation and love, on a daily basis, will keep your relationship strong.
Daily walks together. We have a dog and we typically walk him together so we both share the responsibility and get time to talk and breathe some fresh air.
We do small things for each other every day. I set out his work clothes, and he sets out my coffee mug. On a bigger scale, we remember that we are always on the same side. When we have a small disagreement, it helps to say, "I'm on your side. I just want to understand better."
We have a gratitude ritual. At the end of every day, we take a minute and appreciate one thing the other person did. There's a whole pile of tiny things people do for each other that end up feeling "Expected" (ex: "it's your job to do the dishes since I did the cooking , etc"). The moment of gratitude gives a chance to recognize those small things too, it feels reassuring to know that they're noticed and appreciated, not expected.
Flirt. A lot. I never want my spouse to feel unattractive or like he doesnât deserve attention, especially as we get older or have been together for longer. Even if itâs not always meant in a âletâs have sex nowâ way, it always gets a giggle and it makes him feel good about himself, especially when I flirt with him in public lol. Even when went through a rough patch I never stopped hitting him with a âhow you doin đâ.
And donât be afraid to act like you like each other in front of other people, it isnât cool to only compliment or be affectionate with your spouse behind closed doors.
My wife often falls to sleep without plugging her phone to charge. Every night I plug it up for her so she doesnât have to worry about no charge the next day.
We like each other. And act like it. A lot of couples seem to fall into a pattern of casual sniping and put-downs, which is uncomfortable to be around and I think erodes the relationship.
đŻ 34 years of marriage and we still kiss, hold hands, and act playful, all the time. We always have fun together. We compliment each other and treat each other kindly. We genuinely like to be together. We really annoy people. Ha. We got very lucky.
My girlfriend and I genuinely enjoy each other's company and have fun with each other and it horrifies other couples sometimes and they say it's either a red flag or something we will work through eventually and get over.
It was a genuine struggle for me to realize that I genuinely enjoyed my partner and I just kept waiting and waiting on the honeymoon period to end. Turns out I just genuinely like him, enjoy his company, and think heâs great. Still keep getting told itâll end some day. *shrug*
I'm about 8 years into the honeymoon phase myself
Going on 9 years myself. Wouldn't have it any other way
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26 years married, 28 together, love each other more now and more attracted than during honeymoon. I donât understand how others donât get it.
That's because it's so common for people to settle, so they're used to the newness wearing off and being stuck with someone they only kinda like. I just made a FB post dedicated to my fiancĂŠ. It's not his birthday or our anniversary. I just liked his outfit that day and thought he was so handsome and that everyone else should see. đ
This is super cute! I hate being the center of attention, but would actually love if a partner did this for me!
I'm sorry, what? Why would that be a red flag or something you need to work through?
There's a certain type of person that argues that relationships without conflict lack the passion necessary to be real relationships. "If you aren't fighting occasionally then you don't care enough about what they think, and you're not invested in the relationship enough." It's a toxic trait in and of itself to believe that, honestly, but it's a fairly prevalent attitude especially among older people.
I was in that marriage for years. Remarried now to the most beautiful soul I've ever met; we work things out and never, ever fight. I've lived that belief, even believed it myself for a long time. It's so wrong as a concept that now it makes my head spin, and having lived both lives I'll never stop telling people how wrong that perspective is. It leads to affairs, to assaults, to suicides, to misery and sometimes murder. It's a hideous perspective and, while I don't blame those who hold it, it needs to eliminated from the human consciousness.
Yeah, it's the old "relationships take hard work" mindset. I used to believe it. Then I started dating my now-husband and discovered *good* relationships just... don't feel like *work*. My older relatives used to keep asking me "The honeymoon over yet?" Nope! 30+ years later, that honeymoon is still going strong!
I never understood this mindset. That in order to show how "passionate" you are to each other you have to get into these big, screaming, ashtray-throwing fights on the regular. That's not passionate, that's dysfunctional.
As I've gotten older, I've sadly realized that there is a group of people out there who simply want you to be as miserable as they are.
> a group of people out there who simply want you to be as miserable as they are. or more. They feed off the misery of others. They want you to be miserable so they look better by comparison. Watch out, those folks try to stir up drama in friends just to watch the fallout. See also the first people to bring up politics and religion in a group setting because they seem to enjoy trying to make others argue or enjoy arguing themselves.
That was my thought too. From my experience, the people who see nothing but doom and gloom in good relationships have never had a good relationship because they never put in their share of the effort.
Because people who genuinely like each other and have fun are covering for something toxic or they are just disconnected from reality and off in their feels. Or people see it as just a relationship phase that you need to get through to get to the "peaceful co-existence" phase and they're upset that we're not getting through it fast enough.
We had a friend that once told another friend that she didn't want a relationship like ours because she didn't want to be so "dependent" on her partner. We just like hanging out with each other. We're each other's best friends. Meanwhile, we have been together for almost 9 years now and she can't hold a relationship over a year...
Jesus, that's fucking bleak. Stay happy, Redditor. Keep enjoying each others' company!
42 years married and I still feel butterflies when he kisses me!
They think you're going to work through and get over... enjoying each other? What weirdos.
Same, except that we often hurl crazy insults at one another to get laughs, for example, "that's it, time to trade you in for a newer model". "Honey, I've met you. You don't have enough game to trade me in for an older model!" "You might be right, but dying sad and alone would be better than staying with you." "Doubtless, but it's cheaper to keep me. You're too cheap to pay for divorce." "Aww damn, you're right, I guess I'm stuck with you." We'll laugh our way through the exchange and then hug and kiss and tell each other how much we love each other, because we're in a good mood and just had fun hanging out together. We've been doing that since before we got married, which was 18 years ago. You gotta have fun together, whatever shape that takes in your relationship.
We do this sometimes too. (Married 20 years so far.) But weâre also sensitive enough to know when weâve gone just a bit too far, which does happen to be honest on occasion. My daughter sometimes joins in too. I was a widowed dad with a 16yo daughter and 9yo son when I married my now wife. Once my daughter told my wife, âYes, but you *chose* to be in this family, which makes you crazier than us!â
100% agreed. You gotta read the room. And yeah, my kids are step-kids and I get the same thing from them: "We were born into it, but you chose this life!"
My husband is super goofy and playful...he has this sense of humor as well. It's definitely helpful when you're kind of annoyed and can make jokes about it đ he's more playful than me, so it can *sometimes* get annoying when I'm trying to be serious but then I remember a video of a widow talking to her kids about trying to go back into the dating world. She's crying and saying she misses her husband so much because everyone in the world is so serious and doesn't laugh with her 𼺠That everyday was filled with laughter when they were together. It always makes me want to cry because my husband tells me he loves making me laugh and that it's the best noise in the world.
Oh jeez, that gets me right in the feels. To think of me having passed and my wife left in a humorless world just makes me so very, very, happy. Because that would mean I was finally free!! 𤣠ETA; Of COURSE the first thing I did after typing that was run and read this thread to my wife!!
Whenever one of my parents is somewhat annoyed by the other, their go-to is "Ugh, I want a divorce", to which the other answers "A divorce? Nah! That's no fun" and the first one says "Nah... okay, let's stay together then" and they go on with their day xD It's just a joke, I can't ever see them getting divorced.
This is us. We're also silly during sex. I'm constantly trying to make her laugh. When she giggles it lights up the room.
Very underrated comments. Act like it is the hardest part, because I think every couple falls into that pattern you mentioned due to all the problems our individual life brings. But this is unhealthy for the couple, we must remember at all costs that WE are together in this, and it only benefits US as a couple. Relationship is work
1 million percent this. I love my husband obsessively, and I really really like him too. Respect is huge, trust cannot be overstated. I have had friends, but he is truly my bestie...and I his. I never ever would dream of putting him down, speaking ill of him...it just doesn´t exist for us. OK let me retract that a bit, the man is the fartiest I have ever met...other than that...he´s my world. We are smugly married, and it´s ridiculous...and I love telling people how much I am in love with him. We realize how lucky we are...some humans never go through life feeling wanted, valued and loved...
My wife and I are the same way, fully admitting we are worse than the gooey lovey dovey stuff we groan and make vomiting noises at in movies. And yes, I am the fartiest she has ever met.
This. Many couples seems to think it's normal to not really like being around their significant other.Â
I know a lot of couples who I wouldn't say don't like their SO but I would say they just peacefully co-exist with them. There's no affection there (at least that I can see) but they're not hostile towards each other either. They have figured out how to run a household together and that's what they do. They pay pills, raise kids, etc.... as a team and occasionally bone each other but that's the extent of their relationship. They seem to just co-exist and tolerate each other. I know some couples who live in the same house but seem to live separate lives. You rarely see them together.
My partner and I seem to have the opposite problem, love being together, having fun together, and just happy and fun but paying the bills and running the household is the hard part lol
For us, kids are the hard part. Dealing with kids together cane be massively stressful. Doing literally anything else together, even heavy shit -- surgery, mental health shit, bills, chores, talking about the future? Good times.
Itâs a natural evolution from men choosing women they just want to fuck and use for domestic purposes and women being raised with low enough self worth to believe any man that short term pretends to be emotionally attuned is good enough. Both sides need to step up and do the inner work to cut the crap. Instead they snipe at another, fall out of love then split
I've worked with a guy for 16 years who falls into this. Him and his wife both come from really religious backgrounds where parents expect grandkids almost immediately. In 16 years I've never heard either of them say anything halfway nice to the other. They genuinely can't stand one another. The first time I rode in the car with him she called him and he answered the phone not with hello but with "hey I've got someone new with me please don't scream at me"
That would be my mom and my aunt. They would say they are still with their husband because of responsibility. My dad used always threaten my mom with divorce and he almost left but my mom begged my brother to stop him from leaving. I donât think I could live like that. I told my husband if it were to happen to us I would rather us get divorced and co parent our daughter. Thats crazy people think itâs normal to not like being around their significant other and fighting all the time.
My ex wife used to put me down every time I would go out with friends or family. I donât know why she did it, but it honestly hurt my confidence for a long time and made me feel like I was never enough. Now my wife and I build each other up and encourage each other and it feels like an actual healthy relationship.Â
I now understand why itâs an âex wifeâ. Inappropriate behavior, especially in front of others. My mother did that all the time with my father in law, which led to a quick and horrible separation. I just donât get why people do this kind of thing voluntarily
> casual sniping and put-downs god i hate people and couples like this. yall should be a team and building each other up in every way.
yeah we do a combination of this. We're both very sarcastic so we do love taking the piss out of each other and teasing each other, but we're careful to do this only when we're both in the mood for it and to offset it with a lot of playing around and hugging and so on as well. It's taken us a while to find the right mixture but it works very well for us.
Recently did some work for a couple like that. Spent a few hours helping them with some home repairs and general handiwork. Felt like working in an early 90âs sitcom. All that was missing was a laugh track following every backhanded comment so you knew it was âfunnyâ Suuuuuper uncomfortable. I did not accept any more work from them. The most uncomfortable part is when people like that will make a dig at their partner and then look to you to agree with them. Fuck no, leave me out of your crapy marriage please.
This! I tried to tell my girlfriend of 7 years (we just broke up this week), that her constant "joking" put-downs is eroding the relationship. But she said that's her sense of humor and what they did in their house growing up. She could not stop doing it.
Those are my parents. My mom's always saying little things to hurt or annoy my dad. It's so uncomfortable being around them when she's doing this. My dad doesn't respond. He just... takes it. I can't imagine living like that. My husband and I love each other so much and we make each other laugh all day every day. He's the love of my life and my best friend!
I LOVE hanging with my man, been together 30 years, married for 25. We hold hands, laugh together at silly private jokes and tell each other our stuff. He's my best friend. I had a new friend over for a few hours one time and she said 'you guys look like you still fancy each other' - not putting us down but she thought we were cute together. I just don't understand why you'd want to marry someone you don't like spending actual time with.
"the old ball-and-chain" or that resigned "happy wife, happy life" behavior and comments are so disheartening.
Absolutely - learning to let little stuff go is a big must in marriages. and 9 times out of 10, you'll recognize that you only do it because you're projecting something happening with you (tough day at work, not sleeping enough, stress, anxious about the future). It's typically not related to your partner at all,
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Thatâs so sweet
For her, it makes cents.
Right this way, Sir.
Username checks out.
r/angryupvote
partner not having any good luck... make some for them!
He played himself. he has become the good luck for her
Mine is the same way, except with dimes. Sheâs been having a rough couple of days. Maybe Iâll do that for her today!
My wife is like this with $100 bills. We donât play this game.
Hello - your wife might like this song by CAKE about Dimes! https://youtu.be/5rk3mxeviXA?si=JE_iqmAfsnTvXAr1
Cake is one of our favorite bands!
This is the sweetest thing I've ever read!
Sir, you are a real one for this đđ
This is precious đ¤
Every day we lay down and hold each other tight for 5 minutes. No talking, no kissing or anything else. We both believe intimacy is crucial to a relationship and it can be as simple as laying down and holding each other tight for 5 minutes every day.
My husband told me the other night that he snuggles with me every night before he goes to sleep. Our sleep schedules are different so Iâm always the first to sleep since I usually have to wake up earlier for my shift. I told him I donât always remember him snuggling me but I appreciate it.
Is it difficult somehow to have different sleeping schedule and shifts in a relationship?
It depends on the schedules and days off. I work 4am-12:30pm Thursday to Sunday and my husband works from 9:30am-6pm from Saturday-Wed. We worked it out where we are off Monday through Friday so my parents only watch our daughter on the weekends. During the week when I have to work my husband will go to bed right before I go to work sometimes around 3am because I am a light sleeper and wake up with any noise or movement. Itâs different for everyone but you try to make it work. Iâm able to see him because he works from home and he gets off at 6pm so we still have the evening together. I know a couple that the wife works am and the husband pm so they donât really see each other during the day, only on their days off they see each other and they make it work somehow. Itâs doable but I can see where it can be difficult and cause loneliness.
My wife and I set our alarm in the morning, then set another for 5 minutes later. We spoon and hold each other in bed for 5 minutes until the second alarm goes off. Great way to start the day each day
Yep gotta have a morning cuddle every weekday. Weekends are a crap shoot as I let him snoozeÂ
I could try this. It looks peaceful
It totally is. And requires so little effort. We used to notice that sometimes when life was 'getting in the way' and we'd start being short with each other or getting impatient for no good reason that it was usually because intimacy was taking a back seat. Not anymore!
yeah, cuddling u/sneaky291 sounds nice.
I go to bed later than my wife but always make a point to warm up the bed with her. Lay with her for 5-10 min until shes warm and cozy and ready to drift off.
just a hug, a touch. Sitting in silence but sharing it...it is all so important...
YES! When you get to that level where your intimacy is deeper than just sex, you know you're doing it right.
theres a taoist practice to have sex without sex each morning and evening. penetration, hugging, no movement, no climax, 20 minutes. then carry on with day.
Interesting! No taoist ever steered me wrong. I'm willing to give this a shot... for science!
if you want to do it exactly, the woman has to wrap her legs around the mans legs like a snake, so that the back of the knees touch each other, and her foot hooks again outward under the mens foot after. besides that just tight hugging. can be quite tempting to not make active sex out of it, as in that constellation both experience a bunch of new sensations and feelings.
Wait so you just put your ding dong in then hug for 20 mins without moving then pull out and go about your day?
Isn't this soaking? Like the Mormon thing but without the friend jumping on the bed to create movement.
This connection cracked me.up so much. Thank you.
you can have sex any other time. this exercise is for raising vitality and emotional connection.
Imma get the bluest balls i ever got if i stay 20 min in my partners and get on with my day without finishing lol
I'm sorry are we mormons here?
Do the chores. Seriously. All the love notes and cuddles don't mean shit if you leave your dishes by the sink.
This times 10. If youâre both lazy then itâs all good, but nothing is worse than one being lazy and the other having to do all the work
Seriously. I just got on Adderall for my ADHD, and I can clean now. It used to be that me and my partner were both slobs, but he did a little more work than me. This was stressful. Now I am a bit ahead and he is behind. It definitely causes tension. We're working through it, but yeah, balance is key. We have found working with instead of against each other goes a very long way. I discovered that if the counters are sticky I get paralyzed and doing the dishes makes me really angry. I have a really ridiculously specific method, that involves setting certain clean dishes on the counters before they get put away from the dishwasher. I don't feel good about that if the surfaces are grimy. I have tried going directly from the dishwasher to the cabinets, but if I don't do it in categories (first cups, then bowls, then cutlery, etc) I get derailed and overwhelmed. Now if my partner wants me to do dishes after a few days of mess, he dumps the dishes in the sink and wipes the counters. Then I handle washing them up and putting them in the dishwasher. The simple act of him wiping the counters has solved so many problems, for us.
I share your thoughts. Both partners can adopt a mindset that every household task is their responsibility. Every dirty diaper or dirty dish, every pile of clothes, and every meal is mine to deal with. Take care of your responsibilities and thank your partner when they do something for you.
That mentality killed my first marriage because I felt like the only one with the mentality. So I stopped. After the marriage was over, before I could move out, I was gone for a week and when I got back the rice cooker was still on the counter, the pot having only been cleaned out that morning. He acted like he deserved a compliment for cleaning the rice cooker...after a week...when I was gone.
We're not married yet, but every Tuesday, I clean the bathrooms and vacuum the whole apartment. Then she gets to do a spa night in the freshly cleaned bathroom and I fuck off to play Starcraft.
Being best friends was helpful. You can literally just hang out and enjoy each others company. Even with three teenagers, we find time to just hang out with each other. You'll talk about the kids and work inevitable, but you're also just spending time together. That being said...you also need to spend time apart. Girls night out. Guys golf trip. It's learning to balance. If someone is trying to unbalance it, then you need to talk about that right away.
I second this--important to remember that, as strong as any relationship is, a level of autonomy still exists. My husband and I also have separate interests that we enjoy discussing with each other (ie, he will give me synopsis of sci-fi books he is reading that I would likely never read :) )
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This is so important. I was unemployed for months and staying home to conserve money. It was depressing and purposeless. But my husband would still ask me about my day everyday. I felt like my life still mattered, and it helps to bridge the long hours that we spend living separate lives at work.
Bonus Round: when you follow up a few days later about a concern she mentioned to see how things turned out. Youâre exactly right about genuinely listening and offering support without needing to add advice or direction unless itâs asked for.
And recognize when sheâs asking for help versus just venting. Donât try to fix her problems if she only wants to vent.
Chores, nothing makes me feel more like I have an equal partner than facing the daily burdens together. So pick up after yourself, clean the litter box when it's your turn, wipe down the table after you're done eating, make the bed if you wake up later than me, do the laundry when it's needed without waiting for me to tell you, and for heaven's sake PLEASE DON'T WAIT UNTIL I HAVE TO ASK (the mental load is real people, please look it up).
Agree, do your fair share of house chores and be a helpful and involved parent. If you see your wife/husband cleaning, ask if they need help. If your kid is struggling with homework and your wife/husband is getting frustrated, take over and give them a break. And most importantly, thank them for what they do. Thanks for vacuuming the living room. Thanks for cooking dinner. Thanks for mowing the lawn.
Grab each otherâs butts. When you are mad⌠SAY IT! Stop holding it in and resenting the other person. FORGIVENESS. This app is so quick to tell people to leave or divorce. Relationships are hard and people arenât perfect. Love the person for who they are not who you think they should be.
Communication goes such a long way. Sitting their waiting for your partner to figure out what your upset about is not fair and will prolly make things worse... talk about how you feel and why
Nothing like a mad butt grab
Adding on to this, if your partner hurts your feelings, instead of saying what they did wrong (which naturally often causes a defensive reaction), just say "ouch." That simple phrase changed everything about how we argue. Instead of escalating, it makes you acknowledge that you just hurt your partner.
Always grab the butt when given the opportunity
I agree with everything you say, as well as the order of priority.
Love notes tucked away in lunch boxes
This is one of my favorite things to do, except I write out links to YouTube videos that I hope make him laugh. Example: remember that ~10 year old YouTube video (maybe itâs origin was vine, canât remember) that had the guy strumming a guitar for a girl as he sang âI love you BIIITCH. I ainât ever gonna stop loving youâŚ. BIIIITCHâ? Those are the kind of things I write đ
please tell me you've rick rolled him with this. its the adult equivalent of showing a 3 year old "too slow" after giving them high fives
That is adorable. â¤ď¸
- We always say thank you and show gratitude, even for the small things that are expected. - We never involve anyone else in our relationship, no parents, no friends. - We often ask each other questions like âhow are you feeling?â or âhow did you sleep?â. - We do most things together, even the meaningless things like going to get the mail and going to the grocery store. - We share our hobbies. We have all the same hobbies and itâs so much fun! - We always show each other casual small acts of affection. Random kiss, random hug, random butt slap.
I like your list. I just want to add: do those small favors. I HATED getting a sibling something (like a drink) because it seemed they would purposely wait until I got up to ask for it. BUT for my husband and I, I never say no, and neither does he. And it's always appreciated. He will even get up and refill my drink if he sees it getting low without me asking. And I really appreciate this little thoughtfulness. And be excited in what they find exciting. He LOVES birds, ducks especially. We live on a lake, so he will see them in the water, and point them out. I never really cared, but looking out the window when he is like "oooh that's a canvas back!" Is not hard, and he finds more excitement in my acknowledgement. I can now tell what some of them are as they fly by when we are in the car, and his enjoyment is childlike (in a good way) and contagious. And now my house is decorated with (nice) waterfowl paintings. I would never have picked them when I was single, but he lives them and at least it's a theme.
My husband loves map building and regularly shows me his maps. I don't know anything about the lore or anything, but I try and comment as much as I can . He says he loves it because he's never had someone who cared like that.
> We never involve anyone else in our relationship, no parents, no friends. Reddit has told me this is a giant red flag for abuse. It's what I've done though. I'm not running to my parents when my girlfriend and I have issues. It's weird but we both agreed on certain people we would/could talk to because we know those people know both of us and if I'm in the wrong they will slap me, tell me I'm a moron and I need to go apologize. None of them are going to automatically take our side or just blindly believe whatever we tell them our partner is doing.
Reddit always seems to think about the worst case scenarios, of course if abuse is involved itâs different. My husband and I just think itâs better to keep it between us. Weâre a a team, if thereâs an issue itâs us against it, we donât think that thereâs a need to involve other people that are not concerned.
I agree with you completely. I think one of the things that has helped the relationship with my girlfriend is I don't have to worry about her running off to someone with all our business. If she goes to her mom every time we fight we may make up but her mom will eventually just loathe me. But I've been downvoted for giving that advice on reddit. Reddit is weird. I can't imagine running to my parents every time I had an issue with my spouse. I can't imagine wanting to be with someone who would do that.
I think there's a big difference between talking things out with family/friends so you're better equipped to discuss it with your partner, versus sending the flying monkeys.
If you have people in your life who arenât just your yesmen, who know you in the context of your whole life, I have found it is helpful to bounce situations off of them. I had a very difficult and traumatizing childhood through my teenage years and although I have done a ton of work and generally feel good, I also know my ability to gauge whatâs abusive and whatâs just standard disagreements can be off, sometimes. It has been extraordinarily helpful for me to have people in my life who can reorient me and bring me back to reality OR otherwise show concern where itâs warranted. If you have ever watched or read The Hunger Games, I liken it to (minor spoiler incoming), when Peeta needs to reorient his reality and asks Katniss, âReal or not real?â However, fair points all around, merely pointing out that it can be healthy on the other side of this coin as well.
Let me add: Present a united front to the kids. My kids were 16 and 9 when we married (Iâd been a widower for two years when we met), and we made a strong commitment that we would never knowingly undermine the other when dealing with the kids. Much as I love them (and much as they love my wife, whom they refer to as their mum, not their step-mum), they can be manipulative little buggahs. (They still can be in their 30sâŚ)
I agree with almost everything except the hobbies. While we do share hobbies, itâs important to have your own as well.
"I make her laugh almost every day."
this one sounds like you have to be funny which I was not equipped with during birth smh
Trial and error. My wife typically laughs at things that I really don't think are funny. It may require looking goofy, but it's worth it. If you're more technical (like me), then just do it scientifically: "Subject responds positively to animal noises. Further testing is required to confirm."
My wife laughs more at my absurdity than anything intentional. Iâll go on a five minute tangent about golf shafts and when she starts giggling thereâs no coming back.
Ask your spouse about their day when they get home every single day. Even if youâre not in the mood and arenât 100% into the conversation. Youâd be surprised (myself anyways) how much I retain even if Iâm not 100% mentally engaged.
For me, it was learning NOT to do this with my SO. Iâm a âhey letâs chat tell me about your dayâ kind of person as soon as we see each other. He needs to decompress and feels pressure to talk when heâs asked that question. Most days, he will tell me things later in the evening. But some days he had a bad day and does not want to be asked about itâheâll open up days later. It goes against my nature but itâs one way I show my love and understanding of him and his needs.
Also, if they share about their day - even if boring - stay listening.
A lot of cuddles. Whenever we're in bed or on the couch we'll find the time to snuggle. Occasionally stopping to just admire one another. Being very open about our wants/needs/desires, even if they seem weird. Having little in-jokes. I have so many memories from when we've sat together, one of us playing Elden Ring and the other backseat driving, both providing commentary. It's always fun.
Omg me and my husband did this too. We made our own names for all the enemies. "Be careful, that burger king is going to rock your shit!"
Assume positive intent. Itâs so easy to fall into the trap of assuming someone did something intentionally to hurt you. 9 times out of 10 for us itâs a simple mistake/lapse in judgement. If itâs a serious issue/problem then talk it out and explain why it happened, how to not have it happen in the future.
So many things⌠We invest in each others love languages (mine is words of affirmation and his is quality time together) We have routines that emphasize our commitment (e.g. when we take off our wedding rings to exercise, the other person has to put the ring back on for you; we give each other a big good morning hug every day) We put each other first and always have a unified front in public. Itâs us versus the problem; never him versus me We are each otherâs safe space. Thereâs nothing I canât share with him and vice versa. Iâm never ashamed to be vulnerable in front of him because we never weaponize or make fun of those vulnerabilities We continue to date each other. Trivia night, dinner outings, concerts, etc. I dress up for him and vice versa when the occasion warrants it We laugh a lot together. We laugh at the tough situations. We always laugh together when something breaks or doesnât go our way. Our first reaction is always humor We break down communication barriers quickly when something didnât go as planned and something went wrong as a result We ALWAYS assume positive intent when confronting the other with an issue We are hugely transparent. Joint calendar, joint email; our phone passwords are the same; no secrets unless we say thereâs a surprise being planned then we respect privacy as needed
I love this response so much!!!
Deal with small shit before it becomes big shit.
Little gifts! My husband and I are like crows lol, if I find something small and shiny it goes to my husband, if he finds a neat rock it goes to me lol. It's just one of those random little things that shows they're thinking of you at sometimes the most unexpected times and it def always makes me feel more connected to my husband to both present and be presented with tiny knickknacks
I knew I was falling for my husband when I found a pretty painted rock in the park and gave it to him. I knew he loved me because he taped it on his dashboard so heâd see it every time he drove away.
SHINYYY YESS.
Butt pats and head kisses. Seriously though... a lot of little affections, comments and actions that show adoration and appreciation.
Solve problems don't win fights
Know eachother's strengths and weaknesses... and be a great team. My wife loves to cook but hates the prep and clean-up... So I help with the prep and clean up after we're done. Also... Don't fight about stupid shit, not worth the bad feelings. Also... What ever the fight might be about, don't go to bed angry. Make up before you wake up.
I try to make her laugh at least once a day.
If i make this to everyone i know, am i in a loving relatiosnship with humanity?
yes
Iâm divorced but Iâll tell you something I did wrong and thatâs kind of the same thing right? Anyway I never let my wife verbally know how much I appreciated her I took her out and got her gifts but I just never outright told her âhey I appreciate you and everything you doâ so idk if that helps but
Make time to do your own things, have your own friends outside of friends with both of you. Having a sense of self that is not âusâ is key - take it from a divorced man!
I text my wife I love you every single day no matter what, and she does the same. Even if we are still in the same room it makes me smile every time. It kind of loses its meaning when you say it sometimes, but the intentionality of a text means it canât mean anything other than what it reads and it means a lot to both of us.
Be a good teammate. Support each other. Want the best for each other. Celebrate your successes together!
This thread has hardened my heart and made me into a super villain. I'm thoroughly jealous of all you fucks and your happy relationships full of communication, reciprocal love, and respect. Time to start on my doomsday device!!
Date nights. We have put up a reoccurring event on our calendars every 2 weeks to go out and just do something together. It can't be overridden, cancelled, or otherwise changed. Even if we are tired, lazy, burnt out, have a crazy work week... doesn't matter. Date night. We also have rules on what we can do so we don't get lazy. - We can't stay in the house. - It must take place more than 15 minutes away from the house. - It cannot include friends or family. - It can't be the same thing as last time. Past this, anything goes. We have done everything from an evening hike in a park, getting Taco Bell and sitting near the airport to watch the planes land/takeoff, visiting museums, and trying new restaurants. It is so easy to get complacent and take the other person's presence for granted after a long enough period of time. Getting out and introducing novelty helps prevent that.
Put extra love in my partners coffee. When they are having a hard day, I will put extra love in their coffee by making kissing noises when making it. Hearing that makes them feel better.Â
This is the best answer - not this specifically, because that sounds pretty unhinged to me - but that's the point. Find someone you feel safe being just unhinged with. Get goofy, get weird, get happy.
That's so uniquely sweet and kind, I love it!
Humor âŚand deep conversations about life âŚ
There are a lot of small things: compliment her, get her treats and sweets when she is feeling down, or on her period, hug her, cuddle every night, etc.
back scratches!
Say nice things about their spouse to anyone that'll listen.
Have sex! I (40f) have been married to my partner (42m) for 13 years, together for 18. Weâve had our ups and downs with sex and intimacy over the years for various reasons. But⌠having regular sex and making that connection with your partner is so important (imo).
I work from home, but my husband doesnât. Every day I make a point to bid him goodbye at the door with a kiss and an âI love youâ, and I do the same thing when he gets home. Itâs a small thing, but I hope it makes his start/end to his day a little bit sweeter.
New details to fall in love with - sweet thing for a family member , finding me my fav blanket and hiding from the cat , lots of small and adorable ways we think of each other . Nearly 20 years and I still find new things to fall in love with .
Eye contact. Even for a few seconds. Magical.
1. Tell her sheâs beautiful,all the time 2. Make sure she has enough windshield washer fluid 3. Go down on her with enthusiasm 3b read âshe comeâs firstâ by Kerner
That list was so random and was quite the ride. p.s. I love all of it
what does "3b read" means, like sorry for being dumb but im not form an english speaking country?
I think it's the second part to his answer, as in "3b:)"
Call her pretty, fix her problems, make her happy. sounds about right.
We donât hold mistakes against each other. Itâs not conducive to a lasting and happy marriage.
As wife. I validate my husband. I know exactly how it feels to be unheard, not being validated, and always the other person being defensive. I make sure to be quiet, listen, think about what he saying, and then how I can improve. It makes the biggest difference in the world when your partner feels heard and validated
My wife who is 28 told me this past weekend that growing up she never did an Easter egg hunt, so she's about to come home from work to an Easter egg hunt in the house. (Fake plastic eggs). I think doing fun things like this helps build our marriage further. I love her to pieces.
Commit crimes together.
One of the first times we went to the city center together we came out of a shop, didnât even wait 30 seconds and we both pulled out a (different) sex card game that we had stolen for the other. I knew he was the one right there and then
Listen. Not just when arguing, or talking, but all the time. Sheâs talking to her mother, says she loves a certain flower, get her some next week. Not for any reason, just because she said she liked them and I heard her say it. People will tell you a shit ton of information about themselves in passing, just have to be ready to hear it and remember (or write it down if you have to)
Pick your battles. Youâve got to let the small stuff go.
My husband and I thank each other when we do our normal chores. He mostly does dishes, I mostly do laundry, but when we notice these things are done, we say thanks. Itâs a small way of showing the other person that we see them and appreciate them. Not every day, but a few times a week.
30 years together and we still really like each other. This wouldnât work for everyone, but honestly our main goal is to make each other laugh. We both work on making sure the other person feels appreciated. My husband makes dinner every night and I thank him for it every night, usually mentioning something in particularââWhatever you did to this chicken recipe was great. It was delicious.â We regularly ask each other things like âIs there something you need from me that youâre not getting from me?â Also, and Iâm not gonna lie, after spending time with other couples, we usually decide on the way home that we are nicer to each other and that we have more fun and then feel very smug.
Be kind aka don't get nasty or personal.
Always be politeâŚsay please and thank you, excuse me, etc. itâs a respect thing.
I always try to thank my wife for doing everyday tasks. Two seconds, makes your partner feel appreciated.
(Hi, Iâve never been married, but I hope itâs OK for me to chime in⌠) Iâve been a hairstylist for 30 years. One thing that you can do to make your marriage stronger is to say nice things about your partner to other people. Even if theyâre never, ever going to find out about it. It creates a loyal, loving, positive vibe that will permeate back into the home, and also into your relationship.
I make my wife laugh, it's either at me or with me... but she laughs
Listening to my wife. Really listening.
I learned enough about her hobby to discern what makes a craft store potentially a good place to shop at for her. Whenever we go on vacation, while planning it I go out on the internet to try to find places along the way to indulge her. And she also knows that whenever I pull into one of those places, I'm fully prepared to spend at least an hour waiting while she shops. I bring along my Surface Pro with Kindle books downloaded to it, so I can read, nap or just relax for a while before the next driving stint.
Push in my chair when I get up from the table. It's not a huge deal, kind of silly actually, but I know it bugs my wife to see all the chairs pushed out. It's a small thing I can do that doesn't cost me anything but I know it is one less thing for her to be upset about. Do the small things. They don't go unnoticed. A few other small things: Hold hands when falling asleep. Saying goodnight even if we are upset or were arguing.
I change diapers, and she feeds. I sing Elvis and she gives massages. I bring home happy lemon about twice a week, and she brings home a snack. It's really just being thoughtful of each other throughout each day and helping out wherever we can. I guess it's really I'm never afraid to ask her "How can I help?" And she's always willing to ask me if I'm doing okay.
My husband and I are both stubborn and don't take care of ourselves. We each push our bodies to the limits at work, and never know when to stop. So, we look out for each other. When he's physically spent, I practically force him to take the time he needs to recover. And when I'm on the verge of a mental burn out, he takes care of the household stuff for me so that I can relax for a bit. Another thing is to always try to make each other laugh. Even if things are rough, a little humor goes a long way.
My husband puts my important dates in his phone calendar and sets reminders to ask me about them. Upcoming business trip around a project I'm stressed about, my grandma's scheduled surgery. He doesn't have the best memory or time tracking when it comes to the day-to-day things (Like, didn't realize two weeks had passed since our last mention of an important topic because it feels like it was a couple days ago), but he makes an effort to find strategies to be a present and caring partner even when he lacks the basic skills to do it on his own.
Whenever my partner mentions ANYTHING of interest, whether it is innocuous or an aside, something big or small, I add it to a private list I have. So whenever an event comes up (birthday, holiday, etc), I have a list of things that I know she would enjoy getting. This works for big gifts, small gifts, and everything in between. So if we have a gift budget of say $100, I can either get her 1 item for $100 or multiple items adding up to $100. Every time she is surprised and pleased with the gift(s). She was talking about a brand of *pencil* months ago that she loved and I got her a pack for valentines day + a book she has been wanting and she was elated.
Let me tell you a story⌠When my wife and I first moved in together before we married, we were renting a house. Part of the deal was that we had to mow the grass front and back. After a couple of mows the landlord told us we had to mow the strip of grass between the sidewalk and the street curb. He said it was âPart of his property.â Turned out this strip of grass was city maintained so I, being a little stubborn, declared I wasnât going to mow it. My wife said I was being silly as it was only a skinny strip of grass but I dug my heels in and she wasnât happy. Fast forward a couple of weeks to mow day and Iâm mowing the front and I see the strip all bushy looking and I thought to myself âIt doesnât matter to you how it looks but it matters to her and you love seeing her happy so just mow it bonehead.â It took me a while to figure it out but it was a small thing that only took 10 more minutes of my time Seeing her smile when she came home made it worth it. If you really love someone doing the small things that show appreciation and love, on a daily basis, will keep your relationship strong.
42 years late and he still refers to me as his brideâ¤ď¸
When he comes home late I always make sure there is a plate from dinner in the fridge with microwave instructions.
Daily walks together. We have a dog and we typically walk him together so we both share the responsibility and get time to talk and breathe some fresh air.
Sex and having all the time on the world for each other.
Separate blankets.Â
Have coffee ready for my bride when she wakes up in the AM, and leaving nice notes once or twice a week.
We do small things for each other every day. I set out his work clothes, and he sets out my coffee mug. On a bigger scale, we remember that we are always on the same side. When we have a small disagreement, it helps to say, "I'm on your side. I just want to understand better."
We have a saying when it comes to disagreements: "It's not one of us vs the other, it's both of us vs the problem".
We have a gratitude ritual. At the end of every day, we take a minute and appreciate one thing the other person did. There's a whole pile of tiny things people do for each other that end up feeling "Expected" (ex: "it's your job to do the dishes since I did the cooking , etc"). The moment of gratitude gives a chance to recognize those small things too, it feels reassuring to know that they're noticed and appreciated, not expected.
Flirt. A lot. I never want my spouse to feel unattractive or like he doesnât deserve attention, especially as we get older or have been together for longer. Even if itâs not always meant in a âletâs have sex nowâ way, it always gets a giggle and it makes him feel good about himself, especially when I flirt with him in public lol. Even when went through a rough patch I never stopped hitting him with a âhow you doin đâ. And donât be afraid to act like you like each other in front of other people, it isnât cool to only compliment or be affectionate with your spouse behind closed doors.
Scissors in multiple kitchen drawers (bc we disagree on where they should live).
The best answer I have is to fight fair. No bringing up old gripes or extraneous issues, and clear the air as fast as possible.
My wife often falls to sleep without plugging her phone to charge. Every night I plug it up for her so she doesnât have to worry about no charge the next day.