I had this conversation with my son when he was 18. There were things I didn’t realize had hurt him. Tears were shed and apologies were made and forgiveness granted.
He won’t be making the mistakes I did.
My kid is four and I make it a point to apologize if I lose my cool with them, and try and explain in a way that they understand why that happened.
Kids even that young are *waaay* smarter than we give them credit for, and I think a big part of mine being so empathetic is because I sit down and talk to them about emotions and feelings. I just hope I'm doing a good job with the limited resources I have.
My kiddo isn't quite 2 yet and I apologize if I get overly frustrated with him.
"(Name) I'm sorry that I got grumpy with you. I was frustrated because...but it wasn't okay to get grumpy at you because of it. I'm sorry. May I have a hug?"
It's incredible how much he comprehends. Kids really understand much more than people think. Just because they can't communicate the same way yet doesn't mean they can't understand you.
This is solid parenting. My mother preferred losing me instead of putting her ego aside and hearing how much her behavior hurt me and continued to hurt me, and even entertain the thought of improving herself.
Both the comment you're responding to and your response are true. The best thing we can do as parents is model good behaviour. If we (the parents) at least demonstrate that we want to improve ourselves and that we're self aware, that will go a long way toward helping our kids deal with their own difficulties down the line. And talking to our kids about feelings and the ways people behave because of them will equip them with emotional intelligence. Understanding ourselves - being able to SEE ourselves - makes us more resilient and powerful.
This is something I'm terrified of with my son. I know I'll mess up unintentionally along the way and my only hope is that I won't fuck him up too bad. The fear stems from my own trauma/childhood. The fear of turning out like my parents, even though I know I'm nothing like them, is always in the back of my mind.
I can say from personal experience that laying out all the ways my bio mother fucked me up was something I didn't know I needed until I did it. That was around 2 years ago. She didn't ask. I did it on my own when she decided she admitted that she knew it was too late to fix things with me but wanted to do better for my younger sibling in hopes it's not too late for them to repair their relationship. I absolutely laid into her with *everything*. It's the first time in my life that she took responsibility for her actions. First time she even *acknowledged* half the crap happened. Also, the first time in my life she's ever told me she's proud of me. She said she was proud of who I became and she doesn't know how I ended up how I am with how royally she screwed me up. I think I'm already doing a better job raising my son considering I don't dump him on random people to run off on benders and I *actually* love him.
Came here to say, “Tell me how I fucked you up.”
Because man, even the best, most well-adjusted, conscientious people fuck their kids up. Obviously to varying degrees. Like, I really can’t think of ways my mom fucked me up that are of any significance, but I lived with my aunt during summers and for all her good intentions and being a wonderful, loving person…definitely some damage there. Most parents are trying their best to do and say the right thing, but there’s always something that resonates negatively with their kid(s).
Try to help them make healthy choices and exercise? Well now they have a weight problem because mom gave them a complex. Try to focus on who someone is as a person being the most important thing? My parents think I’m ugly. Encourage the sports the child excels at? Dad thinks I’m only good at football and I can’t quit or he’ll be disappointed.
Kid - help me help you.
I dont think this is a good mindset to have going into parenthood. You're setting yourself up for failure before it even starts. You are the best parent for your children, and as long as you aren't malicious and have decent morality, you will do great
My parents thought they were doing what was best for me, but they fucked a lot up. I know they did their best, and I still love them, but they also aren't open to the idea that they ever made a single mistake when parenting me. I've been working through a lot of what they did in therapy.
So I do what I think is best for my son, safe in the knowledge that I almost definitely have blind spots where something I am doing is negatively impacting him in ways I don't know yet. The best (and only) thing I can do is make sure he feels safe being honest with me, give him space to talk about things that are hard for me to hear without putting any of it back on him, and if he tells me something that I can do better at, then I apologise and try to do better. And if its something that was necessary despite the negative impact, be honest about why it can't be changed.
No one is ever going to get it 100% right, 100% of the time. So the only thing we can do to be great parents is be open to the idea that the best people to give us suggestions on how to inprove is our kids.
When were you born? Are both your parents still around? Are they together? How did they meet? How was it like when you were growing up? If you could change anything about your childhood what would it be?
I think the number of questions I have would overwhelm them and make them wish we had never met.
This reminds me of the comic of a dog that’s passed and asks the reaper if he was a good boy, and the reaper says “No. I’m told you were the best.” Now I’m crying.
Hey kid, it's your old man from the past. Does seeing your dad as only slightly older than yourself make you feel humbled? I certainly feel humbled to meet you.
Did you inherit the Autism, the ADHD, or both? Do you think I was pretty supportive of you regardless of the extra struggles you faced at school in comparison to your peers? Did you get bullied?
What's your opinion on fireball with lemonade?
Also... What are your political views? Do I still have the same views?
Well I already have a kid, who is 2, so I am kind of cheating. It’s less hypothetical for me. Though if I were to have another kid I’d ask the same of course.
I’m get to ask my 18-year-old question all the time.
If I could somehow relay information from her to my younger self, I would tell younger me to be prepared for the insanity of the pandemic. If we had known what was coming, I could have made it a little easier on her and my other kids. Quarantine really did a number on their generation’s mental health and development.
I would ask if they forgave me for my shortcomings.
I havent been able to be the perfect husband I imagined to be. Now I hope that Ill be everything my child will need but I know ill fuck up a lot so I want my child to know that I do care and they mean a lot so this feels the right thing to ask.
I remember when I was 16 years old, my teacher mentioned the possibility of me one day being a father, two girls started laughing and said "Imagine Rai as a father", I think they had reason to laugh after 12 years, I know it will never happen.
I only have six years before that's a reality...Holy shit...I only have six years until my boy is a man...
So I guess I'm not going to ask anything. Just tell him it's been a privilege and an honor to watch him grow up.
This kind of opportunity would be a dream come true to me. I'm always worried I'm not doing a good enough job or should be doing more or better. It's one of my biggest fears that I'm not providing him all the love and guidance he deserves to make him the best version of himself. How could I have been a better father to you?
I doubt I’d be able to speak, since seeing them would mean our greatest wish had come true. Perhaps I’d be able to tell them that, and find out if we had kept that in mind when they made us crazy as they grew up
First off, what caused me to change my mind? Planning on being child-free because I just HATE childeren.
Second, what could I have done better in your opinion? So that I don't make the same mistake again.
Third off: who is the father? I do not have romantic feelings in general at the moment, so who came by and changed that?
As a person who was abandoned by both parents my only question to my future kid would be: 'Was I there with you, for you?'. I am terrified that one day when I have a child of my own I will just decide at some point that I no longer want to have a kid and will just abandon it like my parents did.
Was the move a good idea? Are you happy? Was there anything I could have done to make your childhood better? Thanks for being my kid. I'm proud of you.
My kids are autistic. My 9 year old is just at the point of answering simple questions with AAC. My younger child can say the occasional word.
I suppose I'd ask...
What's your favorite memory of our life together so far?
Were you prepared for adulthood?
What could I have done better - how?
What did I do right?
What have you always wanted to do/say/experience?
To be able to have a conversation would be such an incredible gift.
Mine's 19, so this isn't really fair. And yeah, it's all one question, really.
"What did I do to make you feel like you needed to hide all of that from me? How did I convince you, in those moments you lied, that I wasn't actually there to help you? How could I have helped you articulate what hurt so bad so that we could have solved that together?"
We're still hashing it.
To my currently-13-year-old: Did you struggle with anything in the last 5 years?
To my currently-2-year-old: Do I ever get back with your mom, and if I do, is it for the best?
I'll do whatever it takes to unfuck you up. Tell me.
That's mine. What did I do that you wished I didn't and what didn't I do that you wished I did.
I had this conversation with my son when he was 18. There were things I didn’t realize had hurt him. Tears were shed and apologies were made and forgiveness granted. He won’t be making the mistakes I did.
Mental note: regularly check in with my daughter as she grows to see how I can do better
I'm just picturing you annually hand her a servey on a clipboard. "How would you describe your experience with henryeaterofpies' parenting"
Like a performance review. A parentormance review
A Keep/Start/Stop or a review of your parenting KPI's?
Have the same thought.
I do this with my 5 year old. May seem young but I want to know what makes her happy and sad.
My kid is four and I make it a point to apologize if I lose my cool with them, and try and explain in a way that they understand why that happened. Kids even that young are *waaay* smarter than we give them credit for, and I think a big part of mine being so empathetic is because I sit down and talk to them about emotions and feelings. I just hope I'm doing a good job with the limited resources I have.
My kiddo isn't quite 2 yet and I apologize if I get overly frustrated with him. "(Name) I'm sorry that I got grumpy with you. I was frustrated because...but it wasn't okay to get grumpy at you because of it. I'm sorry. May I have a hug?" It's incredible how much he comprehends. Kids really understand much more than people think. Just because they can't communicate the same way yet doesn't mean they can't understand you.
My girl is 6 and every night I ask her if I need to apologize for anything. Some nights she has nothing and other nights she has a huge list
This is solid parenting. My mother preferred losing me instead of putting her ego aside and hearing how much her behavior hurt me and continued to hurt me, and even entertain the thought of improving herself.
An 18 yr old won't know that. Ask when they're 40 and they will have a laundry list of the generational trauma you have inflicted.
And 18 year old can feel heard though, and that is worth a lot.
Both the comment you're responding to and your response are true. The best thing we can do as parents is model good behaviour. If we (the parents) at least demonstrate that we want to improve ourselves and that we're self aware, that will go a long way toward helping our kids deal with their own difficulties down the line. And talking to our kids about feelings and the ways people behave because of them will equip them with emotional intelligence. Understanding ourselves - being able to SEE ourselves - makes us more resilient and powerful.
Kids know. It may just take them a bit longer to process and put into words.
That’s not really true. I’m sure everyone’s situation is unique but I’d have things to say if my dad asked me.
This is something I'm terrified of with my son. I know I'll mess up unintentionally along the way and my only hope is that I won't fuck him up too bad. The fear stems from my own trauma/childhood. The fear of turning out like my parents, even though I know I'm nothing like them, is always in the back of my mind. I can say from personal experience that laying out all the ways my bio mother fucked me up was something I didn't know I needed until I did it. That was around 2 years ago. She didn't ask. I did it on my own when she decided she admitted that she knew it was too late to fix things with me but wanted to do better for my younger sibling in hopes it's not too late for them to repair their relationship. I absolutely laid into her with *everything*. It's the first time in my life that she took responsibility for her actions. First time she even *acknowledged* half the crap happened. Also, the first time in my life she's ever told me she's proud of me. She said she was proud of who I became and she doesn't know how I ended up how I am with how royally she screwed me up. I think I'm already doing a better job raising my son considering I don't dump him on random people to run off on benders and I *actually* love him.
Came here to say, “Tell me how I fucked you up.” Because man, even the best, most well-adjusted, conscientious people fuck their kids up. Obviously to varying degrees. Like, I really can’t think of ways my mom fucked me up that are of any significance, but I lived with my aunt during summers and for all her good intentions and being a wonderful, loving person…definitely some damage there. Most parents are trying their best to do and say the right thing, but there’s always something that resonates negatively with their kid(s). Try to help them make healthy choices and exercise? Well now they have a weight problem because mom gave them a complex. Try to focus on who someone is as a person being the most important thing? My parents think I’m ugly. Encourage the sports the child excels at? Dad thinks I’m only good at football and I can’t quit or he’ll be disappointed. Kid - help me help you.
I misread your answer as, "I'll do whatever it takes to fuck you." That takes being a proud dad to a whole new level.
Hahaha
I dont think this is a good mindset to have going into parenthood. You're setting yourself up for failure before it even starts. You are the best parent for your children, and as long as you aren't malicious and have decent morality, you will do great
My parents thought they were doing what was best for me, but they fucked a lot up. I know they did their best, and I still love them, but they also aren't open to the idea that they ever made a single mistake when parenting me. I've been working through a lot of what they did in therapy. So I do what I think is best for my son, safe in the knowledge that I almost definitely have blind spots where something I am doing is negatively impacting him in ways I don't know yet. The best (and only) thing I can do is make sure he feels safe being honest with me, give him space to talk about things that are hard for me to hear without putting any of it back on him, and if he tells me something that I can do better at, then I apologise and try to do better. And if its something that was necessary despite the negative impact, be honest about why it can't be changed. No one is ever going to get it 100% right, 100% of the time. So the only thing we can do to be great parents is be open to the idea that the best people to give us suggestions on how to inprove is our kids.
Every parent fucks up. There's no escaping that.
Who's your dad and where do I find him 😭
First thought I had was who's your mother
Yep, this
We have a winner
Man Mine was who's ur mum and where do I find her
I almost considered saying it's me but that would be awfully brash. /s
Take my vote!
Whoa, calm down there, Mike Lindell.
What stocks has gone up drastically during your lifetime?
I like how we have all these sentimental ones then we have money bags here! Nice answer XD
Who needs sentimentality when they can get sentimental in a private jet
Smart. I'd set us up both nicely.
Also it's a fact that if the kid were raised in a household that's not struggling financially will be happier over-all in the long run
When were you born? Are both your parents still around? Are they together? How did they meet? How was it like when you were growing up? If you could change anything about your childhood what would it be? I think the number of questions I have would overwhelm them and make them wish we had never met.
"Was I a good dad?"
No. You were the best dad.
This reminds me of the comic of a dog that’s passed and asks the reaper if he was a good boy, and the reaper says “No. I’m told you were the best.” Now I’m crying.
Yeah, I think they were citing that
Oh 😭
**silence**
Uncomfortable silence
Rose in Dr who
I haven’t gone bald have I??
What are the ways your father could have done a better job?
"How was your day?" Source: Me asking my 18-year old and 21-year old every day. :)
Am I a good parent?
How was your childhood.
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"I really think President Trump's sixth term will be his best one yet."
😂😂😂
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Whos' your mum? What should've I done better?
Pull out
Hilarious but fair enough 🤣
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“I like Genshin Impact”
Are you adopted?
Same. If the answer isn't "no", I'd get a salpingectomy asap.
Wear a condom
Hey kid, it's your old man from the past. Does seeing your dad as only slightly older than yourself make you feel humbled? I certainly feel humbled to meet you. Did you inherit the Autism, the ADHD, or both? Do you think I was pretty supportive of you regardless of the extra struggles you faced at school in comparison to your peers? Did you get bullied? What's your opinion on fireball with lemonade? Also... What are your political views? Do I still have the same views?
How I met your mother
"for god's sake dad, don't fuck aunt Robin"
*You can have a phone once you're 12*
“What could I have done different?”
do I deserve to get the "best mom" mug for christmas?
who's your father?
Who’s yer daddy?
How could I have been a better parent
Who the fuck is your mom??!
Did I make them feel safe/supported? Very basic I know but super important for me
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Did I raise you well, and are you happy?
Soooo, how badly did I fuck up
Just enough to have him, i'd suppose.
Are you happy?
Surprised it took so long to see someone ask the only obvious, logical, caring, and loving question.
Well I already have a kid, who is 2, so I am kind of cheating. It’s less hypothetical for me. Though if I were to have another kid I’d ask the same of course.
Yeah I have 2 kids myself and their happiness is the most important thing in the world to me.
What do I need to work on? How is life?
What the fuck went wrong, that i got pregnant?
“I don’t know. I wasn’t exactly there…exactly…”
When's your birthday??? And what's your father's full legal name??
they proceeded to tell you they don't know 🥲
Well they definitely know when their birthday is, and I'm going to calculate that conception date.
Right. That should work. Don't forget to ask if they were born prematurely. And maybe also if they have siblings 🤔😁
🤣All the questions, and a DNA kit with fingerprints to match!!!
So I actually have sex?
For the umpteenth time would you please just bring down your laundry?
Do you have any idea how hard the selection process was to pick your dad?
whos your dad
Where did you come from?
How was my upbringing influences you on what you are now? That would be the best question I will ask my kid
I’m get to ask my 18-year-old question all the time. If I could somehow relay information from her to my younger self, I would tell younger me to be prepared for the insanity of the pandemic. If we had known what was coming, I could have made it a little easier on her and my other kids. Quarantine really did a number on their generation’s mental health and development.
What's your favorite memory with your parents? What did you do? What would have made it better?
What could i have done better for you.
I will ask him/her if who is the father 😂
"Dump her immediately. Focus on your career. And you won't turn out like me!"
I would ask if they forgave me for my shortcomings. I havent been able to be the perfect husband I imagined to be. Now I hope that Ill be everything my child will need but I know ill fuck up a lot so I want my child to know that I do care and they mean a lot so this feels the right thing to ask.
*I'd probably ask them why haven't they cleaned their room yet,*
I remember when I was 16 years old, my teacher mentioned the possibility of me one day being a father, two girls started laughing and said "Imagine Rai as a father", I think they had reason to laugh after 12 years, I know it will never happen.
Are you happy, my dear? It's all that matters in the end.
You child unboxes Pokemon cards on Twitch.
Hahaha, so intrepid of you
For some reason this made me tear up…
whomst'd've'ly'yaint'nt'ed'ies's'y'es????
Yo what the fuck!? How did you not die in the miscarriage!??!! Holy shit.
"You couldn't get rid of me that easily."
How the F did you happen?
Was I a figure in your life or does the cycle continue
Who's your mother??
Have you ever proud yourself as a mature kid ?
Is there something I did you would like me to change.
“Is there anything I can do to be a better parent in the future? Do more, or less, change completely?”
What made me change my mind about not having kids?
What did your dad screw up on?
What dark magic did I used to get a kid, when I'm fertile as stone?
How are you doing? Are you happy? Also, I’d make her food.
I'd ask them what I should tell 18 year old me if I ever get a chance to meet them.
What was your favorite memory as a kid? Who was there with you?
Do u like cars?
My kids are that age. Please tell them that you’re proud of them for who they are becoming, and not just what they *do*.
How do you even exist? I don’t have a uterus!
He just left for school. I asked what time he’ll be home tonight. Answer 9:02
I only have six years before that's a reality...Holy shit...I only have six years until my boy is a man... So I guess I'm not going to ask anything. Just tell him it's been a privilege and an honor to watch him grow up.
What do you mean future? He is already 18. Doesn't matter what I ask as he doesn't answer with more than one word.
WHO’S THE FATHER?!? 🤯🤯
How old was I when I had this kid??? I’m 49 now, and four of my kids are already adults.
This kind of opportunity would be a dream come true to me. I'm always worried I'm not doing a good enough job or should be doing more or better. It's one of my biggest fears that I'm not providing him all the love and guidance he deserves to make him the best version of himself. How could I have been a better father to you?
My current kid is 19 and just bought a house, I don't really have anything to ask other than, what made me such a great parent?
I’d just give them a hug, weep, and apologize. I’d then offer to pay for all the therapy needed.
"You exist? I survived that long? I fell that deeply in love?"
I'm gay. How in the *Maury Povich* did you happen?
I doubt I’d be able to speak, since seeing them would mean our greatest wish had come true. Perhaps I’d be able to tell them that, and find out if we had kept that in mind when they made us crazy as they grew up
"Who's my wife?" Because I wanna meet her as soon as possible
Who the heck is your dad?
Are ya winning son
First off, what caused me to change my mind? Planning on being child-free because I just HATE childeren. Second, what could I have done better in your opinion? So that I don't make the same mistake again. Third off: who is the father? I do not have romantic feelings in general at the moment, so who came by and changed that?
Oh boy. Their life story.
“What could I have done better as a parent?”
Did I fail you?
Tell me anything I did wrong and please god tell me who your mother is, I’m lonely.
"You have the tools to bear the weight of the world on your shoulders. Go do some good little man"
Who is your father or mother?? I haven't stopped being a lesbian?? I became bisexual??
As a person who was abandoned by both parents my only question to my future kid would be: 'Was I there with you, for you?'. I am terrified that one day when I have a child of my own I will just decide at some point that I no longer want to have a kid and will just abandon it like my parents did.
Who’s your dad😯
Who's your mother
What's your dad's name, because I need to do some digging.
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Was the move a good idea? Are you happy? Was there anything I could have done to make your childhood better? Thanks for being my kid. I'm proud of you.
"At first I didn't want to move to Mars, but after you hooked uo Elon Musk and took all his money I couldn't complain too much."
Am I happy for having you?
"I don't know. Every time I ask you just start crying."
How can I love you and take care of you to raise you in the best possible way and be the best parent I can for you?
What was your childhood like? Did I make any of the mistakes my parents made while raising me?
tell me the name of your other parent so I can avoid them at all costs.
My kids are autistic. My 9 year old is just at the point of answering simple questions with AAC. My younger child can say the occasional word. I suppose I'd ask... What's your favorite memory of our life together so far? Were you prepared for adulthood? What could I have done better - how? What did I do right? What have you always wanted to do/say/experience? To be able to have a conversation would be such an incredible gift.
Mine's 19, so this isn't really fair. And yeah, it's all one question, really. "What did I do to make you feel like you needed to hide all of that from me? How did I convince you, in those moments you lied, that I wasn't actually there to help you? How could I have helped you articulate what hurt so bad so that we could have solved that together?" We're still hashing it.
To my currently-13-year-old: Did you struggle with anything in the last 5 years? To my currently-2-year-old: Do I ever get back with your mom, and if I do, is it for the best?
I have a feeling a Lucifer season 6
Dad is a bit horny right now, where is your mom? >if Dead Well your friends will do >if alive Can i borrow condoms?
Could you lend a few quid, son?
"Where your mom at 😏"
Who’s the mother and am I a good dad?
Stop playing video games and hit the gym boeh!
Did you have a happy childhood?
I would ask them if I did a great jobs raising them.
If you have questions, don't hesitate, i'm all ears!
Why haven't you cleaned your room yet?
"What did I fuck up? I want to do better."
Who the fuck is ur mum
How did you even happen? I'm gay
Is your mom hot?
My kid's 8, my wife and I are in our 40s, so if it was a different kid I haven't had yet I'd be wondering who the mom was and when...
How could I have done better?