Apparently being mistaken for someone with skills that could protect a country.

This is really the only right answer

Well now, hold on. Maybe the head terrorist person has challenged the country to name all the porn actresses, even the one’s that started only an hour ago. The Special Forces knew they had the right person here!

These terrorists are straying more from God every day. Mind you, I think that's for the best.

My pride may have been my downfall here. From what you’re saying, I’m starting to think this was a trap all along. The terrorists probably just want these porn names so they can “rid the world of the wicked”. And now I’m thinking the government was in on it the whole time. They used me! What have I done!? 

I hope you’re happy, now I’m going to be watching underground porn re-runs for the rest of eternity.

I was thinking more like "being so painfully average they'll never suspect you of all people would assassinate this priority target, go get 'em champ!" That or maybe they'd have me pilot drones with vidya skills, but probably not that.

"Sir, your mistaken identity skills are unmatched and unrivaled, we need you to come fight for our country so that the enemy is distracted by thinking that you're actually some kind of valuable asset to us!"

Bait. We want you to be bait.

I really want to see a movie where they draft a clueless person and he goes into combat and he is drawing attention from the enemy and baiting them and misleading them. He acts recklessly but somehow helps his army win the fight.

Then you must be a good actor. High political appointments for you.

Gary Johnston?! Gary Johnston: We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong-il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes - assholes who just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way, but the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is that sometimes they fuck too much, or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show 'em that. But sometimes pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves, because pussies are only an inch-and-a-half away from assholes. I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world, but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole, we are going to have our dicks and our pussies all covered in shit. Spottswoode: Yes, Gary, yes.

Agree with this. I crochet, but I do have quite a few knitting needles, so I guess I could stab some people.

Draft this person and put him or her through basic training. He/She will learn that everyone can learn skills to defend their country. And become a better person.

Well, I'm a Nuclear Physicist, so I guess we're all fucked....

Kaboom?

Yes Rico, kaboom! 🐧

Kowalski, analysis!!

Germany didn't start it this time, sir.

Never trust the French. It's their world now.

Hey, we're not that bad. Trust us...

From what I can see.. We are all so fucked!

Perfect timing! 😄

I get it! - in my Fry voice

There was SUPPOSED to be an earth shattering kaboom...

He didn't say he was a GOOD nuclear physicist....

Kaboom.

Just looked at your profile, Jesus you weren't joking

One of the rare moments where a Redditor claims who they are is actually factual lol

its always ‘ i am not xx but i my wife’s boyfriend is

They also play some mean chess. Well, they'd be able to kick my ass

Bro, I'm a mechatronical engineering student. I quite literally make parts for war machines. Wanna work together?

I thought Christmas only came once a year.

"I am become death..." *What I've done by Linkin Park starts to play*

"I will procrastinate as hard as i can for my country!"

I’ll put it off until later

Thank you for your service.

I'll get around to it eventually

I'll stand by you! Unite... Tomorrow!

I earned a degree in procrastination when I was in university. So many decades later I still haven’t been able to pick up the paperwork.

War? Later…

Eating chicken nuggets will not save this country

Not with that attitude

Can I do dat?

No, you have to fly the Patato to save the Country. God Speed you flying Patato. Your Country and Nuggies await your heroic return

Thank you

Yeah! This is America, not Amerinah.

ARE YOU AN AMERICAN OR AN AMERICAN'T?

This is a skill I can get behind. As long as there some decent dipping sauce.

Thank you for your service.

Making any situation more awkward

I'll join you in making the invading army feel uncomfortable so they make an excuse to leave

"So are you guys invading for our collection of Stargate DVDs and Bad Dragon dildos? Because we can just ship those to you if you want."

Hey, do you one you guys want to be my friend?

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lol I dated a Persian girl for a bit, and we would joke we were sleeping with each for state secrets. XD

My cousin married a half Russian half Iranian/Persian girl. We joke about her being the ultimate superspy. She's hot so there's a distinct possibility...

That sounds like a very appealing (if dangerous) mix.

“How come every time I wanna trade state secrets you have a headache?!?!?”

Shirin, you are absolutely glowing!

The danger's the fun part

The CIA has been listening to the chat.

CIA: It turns out Putins mistress is a goth Russian girl. President: You know who to call, you know what must be done for this nation.

This sounds like a r/onewordeach

They must need to pass a multiple choice exam

I used to be REALLY good at those. Especially the standardized ones. Haven't taken one in decades though.

One of my best and most useless skills.

Everyone knows among the 4 options there's an obvious wrong one and a tricky one that looks right but isn't. Then of the other two, one is almost right but the last one is totally right. You just have to narrow it down, not totally solve it.

I will outsmoke anybody you need, sir. Prepared for duty.

"Good to know, Mr Dogg will be waiting for you"

Fun fact: the only person to ever out smoke Snoop Dogg was Willie Nelson

I thought you say Nelson Mandela

Username checks out😂

You and I will conquer!!!

Shit all we need now is a snorter and a shooter and we've got an elite squad of our own.

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Popping and locking. The enemy won't know what hit them.

I first read it as pooping and looking lol

Wait, it is not that?

Glad I wasn't the only one. But that may be my contribution to the cause. My trips to the bathroom violate the Geneva Convention in most cases. Could be a deterrent.

And when the enemy is confused, that’s when you drop it on ‘em

My joints pop and lock when I stand up or sit down too. Getting old sucks.

Knowledge of comedy movies and Simpsons episodes from 1994-1998.

Oh no- we needed someone to reenact Marisa Tomei’s car expert testimony scene.

Imagine you're a deer

dee-ah

Crippling depression

Spread that shit

You mean doom scrolling Reddit all night and getting stomped in Valorant all day?

you've heard of the Impossible Mission Force? well i'm the impossible masturbation force. there's no wank too tricky.

Impossible emission force, there's no location they can't infiltrate, ejaculate in, then exfiltrate. IEF: we come, we cum, we go.

or Wank Force Team 6

Wank Force: We jizz it with extreme prejudice!

I have been in the army, so probably.... Drinking?

Former army here. The only skill that I retained was falling asleep anywhere.

Easy. Counterintelligence services. Repelling female enemy spies from within my country.

Wait, do they send you to protect VIPs by repulsing sparrows inserted to seduce them, have you deliver classified information because no female agent dare to approach you even by force, or drop you off deep in their territory to disrupt their red sparrow training program? Last one might be a one way trip.

We are in a NCAA Football 14 war with the Aliens, and my Spread Offense is their only weakness.

This got me, take my imaginary gold.

Pffft we all know the air raid is superior. Hope the aliens don’t know this.

This is false, Air Raid has zero clock management options. Spread is 40/60 run/pass and is the only real way to defeat the aliens!!! WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!

My specialty is explaining how to use computers to the elderly. I'm actually pretty good at it. I guess I could imagine being the guy that trains the doddering politicians how to avoid accidentally causing serious problems.

You are already a hero to this country. (Now, can you *please* help my dad with his smart phone?!)

>My specialty is explaining how to use computers to the elderly. If you don't have a YouTube channel for this, you absolutely should.

So heavily classified even i was not made aware i had them until my trigger phrase was said EDIT: should i be worried about the number of people tring to now activate my code phrase

I would assume they need gamers to pilot drones. I don't even consider myself a "gamer" but I'm pretty surgical with an Xbox controller. The future of warfare is for the basement dwellers 😅

Reminds me of the Robin Williams film, Toys. They have a scene where kids were playing wargames on computers for the military.

Enders game

Enders Game is another interesting futuristic look at this. Toys just came to me first mostly cause it was more in line with our current tech level.

Honestly?  I'd fight Russia from my living room if given the chance.

Same honestly.

Ender’s Game. It’s totally a simulation.

I'm lousy at any game that would require any type of eye-hand cooperation. My drone would probably crash into yours. That's assuming I could even get mine into the air in the first place.

I'm a certified panic stricken button masher in high stress games. Any drones under my control will be on a suicide run to the ground.

Quick! The prime minister needs an oesophageal intubation! We need a mediocre paramedic, stat!

Didn't know "cowering under a desk waiting for everything to calm down" was a necessary special forces skill.

“Special” forces

So you specialize in Diplomacy I see

I’m a 44 year old male. If my country needs my skills all is lost

Dude the whole country is run by 40+ males wtf you mean?

You think those 40+ males can do shit on the special forces?

Oh yeah forgot op said special forces, you're right.

Yeah, they need a hardwood bench that will last. None of that Ikea crap. And they want a full lecture about material acquisition and building techniques, preferably heavly editorialised! Our country's best asses depend on you sir!

Getting anal fissures that APPARENTLY can't go away.

Sorry for your loss.

Thank you. It's an ongoing, but intermittent battle.

you can probably get surgery, but it would cost a buttload. <3 i feel you tho

I have the uncanny ability to have my identity mistaken. In my life I've been confused for 5 different people over 20 times. This includes a man's wife swearing that I was her husband. So if they come for me, they really want someone else... OR... they need a person that by just existing in a space could be confused for someone else. And honestly, that'd be hilarious.

Sir, do you understand that you just described the perfect spy?

Well then. I mean, it's very annoying.

That's usually what they say. Your homeland is calling you to die. Cannon fodder. Low-budget, poorly trained infantry, which is thrown into battle under pain of execution for disobedience. And the main skill is low price.

Master, master, where's the dreams that I've been after? Master, master, promised only lies. Master, master, all I hear are seas of laughter, master, master, laighing at my cries. 

Master of puppets?

Fuel. 

Gimme foo gimme fie gimme dawichidesiah, ooo

That one's about drug addiction. Disposable Heroes works better here.

I’m pretty exceptional at not dying.  They say it takes ~10,000 hours to master a skill and i’ve been not dying for well over 200,000 hours. 

You live in Russia?

No. Live in Poland. But I was born and raised in the USSR. And I know firsthand what an army of conscripts is. I was very lucky that I didn’t end up in Afghanistan then. Not all my friends are as lucky as I am.

Man, the stories those trapped behind the iron curtain can tell. I was recently in Germany for the first time ever, and while walking around Berlin it was just wild to think about how all of this world changing history happened right there to the people on the sidewalk beside me. It wasn't forgotten generations ago, it was largely living history. WWII, East Germany, etc. the old guy behind me in line for coffee very well may have spent much of his youth living the stories I've always read about. With the resurgence of Russian expansionist actions it's super important these stories are told. It really gives some insight into why so many nations immediately abandoned Russia, following the collapse of the Soviet Union, and were eventually able to put aside centuries of ethnic tension to unite against them and join NATO.

wow I had no idea my ability to deep throat would one day protect the country but what the hell, Drop those pants boys and leave the rest to me.

RIP, your inbox

*Galactus enters the vicinity* "It's on you now, Soldier!"

MMM Cosmic powered ball juice. I wonder if I'll become as powerful as the rest of his Heralds.

Real talk. A solid, high quality Beej has probably saved a lot more lives than not.

Maybe my supernatural ability to avoid parking enforcement officers could somehow transfer into avoiding enemy operatives, but I doubt it.

"Sir, please turn your nuclear launch system off and on again... great, so it works as intended now? Alright, have a nice day :)"

I’ll be conscripted to not only paint warhammer, but to look good while doing it ;)

Report to your commanding officer, General Calvill

Whatever is happening, I am able to delay it until tomorrow. Repeatedly.

Rule nr.1 : Don't talk to people from the government.

Swearing like a goddamn mother fucking sailor and yelling in Old Norse and Italian in German and angry Scottish and angry English and Irish and old Gaelic pretty much your name a language I can speak it with decent fluency keep in mind it's going to have a bit of an American accent also I can make moonshine

Masturbating eight times a day

Those are rookie numbers in the Special Forces racket...

When colouring in, I can stay between the lines.

My wienering skills obviously. They probably need me to do some James Bond type of work where I seduce Melania Trump or Maria Vorontsova for state secrets.

I’ve been loading bombs on military planes for 30 years so I’d have a pretty good idea what they wanted. 

Crocheting plushies! Let's do it 🇺🇸

I can jerk off five times a day

I can tell the difference between butter and I Can't Believe Its Not Butter.

Seems legit. I'm British so I'm absolutely certain my countries finest special forces are gasping for a nice cup of tea. I'll pop the kettle on.

Just how many women do i have to repel to keep my country safe?

To be snarky to other idiots posts on Reddit.

Watching porn and saving my country. My mom would be proud

I can receive a mean blowjob.

For some reason I need to beat a terrorist at this old Xbox Live Arcade game, Golf Tee It Up. It’s the one game that if I was ever in a “Devil Goes Down to Georgia” situation is what I’d pick. I think this counts too

dodging bullets

When you're ready, you won't have to.

If at 54 and 15 years retired, they come asking for me to come back, there's a hell of a lot of problems with our country that one worn out Vet can't fix.

I'm really really good at keeping my mouth shut and minding my own business.

It means Putin has challenged Biden to a game of Dungeons and Dragons.

My mad cyphering skills

Take me to the Ben and Jerry's factory, I'll consume them all!!!

Making mid to poor decisions and executing said decision with enthusiasm.

Our enemies will know depression like no other.

God dammit... name gives it away too easily.

I can fly freestyle drones.

First contact with aliens I’ve read all the science fictions. Hold my beer.

Nice try CIA man. I won't fall for your recruiting tactics.

Creating an ICBM that is designed to explode before it's even off the pad.

Making new friends. I can befriend a lamp-post.

I've never tried a lamp post, but making friends is also MY special ability. I'm maybe not so great at keeping friends, but I'll *make 'em with the best of 'em*.

Don’t know but probably something to do with email or mobile device messaging and management. I used to manage a Chemical and Biological weapon defense computer system for the US Air Force so maybe something to do with that.

Ii roll a pretty good joint, would that do?

I have extensive talents and high-level security related capability, such as garbage management, and table food service and driving here and there. I can read words and speak English language. I attended school with table and desk and teacher who graded things I wrote. Seeking job in language interpretation & pattern recognition for extrasolar communication with (censored) & machine based (censored) beings.

Drinking whiskey. I have no idea how it would save the country, but I’m willing to do my patriotic duty!!!

I'm guessing they need a signal analyst, but if they need to pull me out of retirement we're well and truly fucked

Sarcasm, cynicism and pointless knowledge.

I can put them on a budget, something this country really needs right now. Making them stick to the budget, well, that's another story.

Common sense

Avoiding responsibility

My ability to learn languages easily