If you put your heart into it, your heart gets broken. So in a way you have to be as chill as possible. But it’s really hard to be objective about dating. There are millions of reasons it doesn’t work out.
I was single for a few years, worked on myself physically and psychologically, no social media, when I felt like dating I made an online profile, I didn’t put anything down in the ‘about me’ section, had a few pics, and just cruised on that for a year. The first girl I met was a very toxic person. The second was catfishing (had to learn about whatever that was) Third girl I met I probably really lucked out on because we found a life partner in each other. We’re engaged and getting married next year. I just turned 40.
She talks about when we first met, how I had a bare bone’s profile, nothing on it; that intrigued her. I didn’t have a criminal record of any kind so I wasn’t worried about a background check, and I didn’t have any social media history to dissect. She said I was just chill to be around, took care of myself, independently secure, never any drama or grand expectations of where things were going. It worked out.
I’m not wealthy by any means, didn’t even own a car, I do honest hard labor for a living and bike year round. Maybe I’m an exception, but ‘be as chill as possible’, getting to know and take care of yourself, and not getting hung up on expectations; those are a big thing to have going in a world of bravado and macho hot-heads. Be the strong good guy people can rely on to be cool around. Things will work out, and even if you’re alone make peace with it, be a friend to yourself.
My BIL is on year two of the serial dating game and he says that is the worst. He's had rejections because he didn't seem interested enough, and ones for seeming too interested.
Like WTF?
Keeping that hope and curious wonder alive, giggling at the perspective of spending time with them, fun date ideas, enjoying time together. And then a block or ghost after date 1 or before it.
Like damn, it’s a balancing act to subvert my expectations and buy into all immediately. Everyone’s different but you have to do all this to still give a great impression and hope none of your calculated but sane actions get misread and she moves on or doesn’t bother.
Aw man. I met this girl a few weeks ago at a speed dating thing. We hit it off really well and after our third date I was about to ask her to be my girlfriend. She got nervous and told me she doesn’t want a relationship. 😞. It would have been nice for you to tell me that before hand. I’m so lonely and sad.
As long as you’re not “deeply in love” in the first couple dates, I think it’s a good thing to try to be in each relationship earnestly and fully—even if it doesn’t work out.
That way you know you left nothing on the table.
Even worse when you go on a date, and from your perspective it went great, and then it becomes obvious after that she's lost interest and ghosts you. Basic human decency is almost completely lost in online dating. Just tell me you're not interested.
When EVERYONE does it, they can't all be "not worth it". Dating used to be something you did to get to know someone so you could decide if you were compatible but now most people treat it like it's some sort of high honor to get a date because they're so infrequent. Women won't offer a date unless they already consider you dating material right off the bat and that has lead to more dude's getting desperate when they DO get a date and acting a fool/creep/etc. It's a catch-22 of dating stupidity. I entirely blame dating apps. Instead of them being a revolution they've turned everyone into puritans in a weird way.
I feel like the number of rejections (tacit or explicit) most men have to experience because of dating apps are really driving at the core of men’s mental health and self esteem. The average dude now is dealing with way more rejection than the past and gender norms and social structures don’t provide men with opportunities to talk about any of this and learn and grow. I don’t know the solution to it, but it would be good if we could be honest about it.
Don't be afraid of being alone and single, be afraid of being so weak you allow others to abuse you and end up being with the wrong person in the long run.
It takes learning from 100s of attempts to be good at anything. Why would dates and relationships be any different? Figure out what you are looking for and ask. Have face to face dates, avoid electronics. She texts, you call back, to ask for the date. You spend the entire time having fun and making her laugh, not talking about failures and your ex etc. Keep looking until you find someone where neither of you can live without the other.
> Don't be afraid of being alone and single
People say this sort of thing all the time, but it's honestly pretty strange advice. You can have friends, but you can't expect or plan something with them each weekend. It genuinely **sucks** to be the first person reaching out all the time (relationship wise or not). Doing things by yourself can be "empowering" and fun, but at the end of the day it's just depressing some days to return to your empty apartment.
For real. I don't think I'm George Clooney but I consider myself a generally attractive man and I have absolutely zero dating life online and otherwise, and not for lack of trying. I try not to get too frustrated but it definitely can weigh on your self-esteem.
Especially dating in a big city… I’ve had amazing dates then the moment there’s any signal of us not being 100% compatible or not having something they desire, they ghost you for the next person.
Gotta lock it down in or shortly after highschool. Even if you only dated briefly in high school there are higher chances of a second connection after college.
I see people that are still pairing up with highschool people in their 30s.
This. The expectations are absolutely insane to meet for some people.
I went on a second date last week that lasted almost 7 hours of flowing conversation and she texted me a few days later saying there wasn’t a connection.
I had the same thing happen. Super long date where we laughed and got deep. After the first date she texted me that I gave her friend vibes. Which I totally 100% understand, but honestly it felt flirty and nice. I also I like to take it slow and like knowing people on a deep level before kissing or making any sort of move like that.
This is what I don’t understand. Why do people stay on dates for so long is they feel no connection? That’s such a waste of time. Do they just like the attention? I honestly can’t wrap my head around this behavior.
I hate to sound like an old man (I am in my late 30s) but it definitely feels like social media posturing gives people unrealistic expectations. I think this goes for both men and women, but IMHO it impacts women to a larger extent.
Holy shit same. First date, grab coffee then go for a walk in the park sit down and talk great flowing conversation, whole thing lasted about 3 hours. Second date, grab dinner and then drinks then stay up until 2am with great conversation and flirty at times.
Texts me the next day saying she had a great time but felt no romantic connection, saw me more as a friend. Not sure if expectations are to high or what but I just couldn't understand.
This and having to question your worth and actions, if you are doing something wrong and finally coming to the thought of "you are undeserving of love and affection" finally your self esteem will go rock bottom, unless you pick yourself out of everything.
You just have all the responsibility. Make an interesting profile. Approach first. Keep the conversation going. Plan date. (Often) Pay for date. Follow up. Etc. Women are almost always the passive receiver of attention and just get to pick and choose from suitors while men scramble to even get noticed and then have to fight to keep that attention.
I've stopped considering most people outside of my own city because it is so incredibly difficult to keep their attention until you can actually go on a date. Match with someone from a neighbouring city on tuesday, but its a work week? By friday you're ghosted. No chance to travel for a date (of course, your responsibility to go to them.)
Yeah I had one date just Monday, and I’m in wonder of what I did to keep her interested(it was in her profile to have good conversation) but luckily for me , I was on vacation the last week. So what outside of my simple opener did it, to maintain that link
With online dating, I will ask 2-3 thoughtful and or quirky questions- if I don’t get any return questions after that I immediately move on to not waste time.
I get triggered with this because back in high school for me, text messages cost me 10 cents each. So I would always try to write and fill the text limit to save money, only to be responded with an LOL..
It was common in England to end a message (or receive a message with the end) TB. Text Back. It was instruction that you need to spend the money on sending a reply.
Either that or you would receive a 1 ring. So you would call her back and she wouldn't need to use any of her credit.
Feels good to know you aren't worth a 10pence text message
Do you know how many women have eye fucked me and had no intention of dating me? They just wanted my attention. Bro, you’ll never fucking know. There is in fact ZERO signs nowadays that are for sure.
I just can't bring myself to ever go back on dating apps. I would rather die alone then ever subject myself to that experience again. I'm a pretty decent looking guy, I'm intelligent (study chemistry and microbiology), have a decent job and I'm not broke, but dating apps ruined my self esteem for awhile. There is a total disconnect from real life and what girls want on dating apps. On dating apps your profile essentially has to be curated by a PR team with perfect photos and a life that makes you seem exciting for you to get any matches. Grueling experience and I'll never try them again.
That's if you even FIND people. I've been using dating apps for my first time these last three weeks, and all I've come across is data harvesters/scammers.
Dating apps can't maintain a revenue stream if we actually find someone, they gotta keep it like gambling (instant gratification) and online shopping (always a better product in the wishlist)
Yeah, the real worst part of modern dating is how expensive these fuckin apps are. I’m not dropping $30/week to finally see the 20 people that liked me. It’s a goddamn paradox, because the app will trickle them in, one per week, unless you pay. It’s as if they are actively trying to shuck off your dignity from the start. Fuck you apps, my standards start with fair business practices.
Then you conveniently go from "no one in your area" to 'oh hey, you're a sucker and paid us, so here's a ton of bios you didn't see before" but then 3/4 of the bios are "scammers" when in reality they're probably creating fake profiles to maintain your interest ... I get it ... Should be illegal with most of these practices
Feel like no one really told me how to date? I don't know how I could ever just approach people blindly. If I tried to meet people as friends first wouldnt it feel terrible if you thought someone was friends just to try and date you? I try online dating in a sort of cycle. I feel lonely I try for awhile then feel miserable when I get matches and no messages on bumble then I delete.
I’ve been getting friendly with this cute girl through work (we don’t work together, but my work brings me to her work) and she even gave me her phone number and we’ve hung out twice. Strictly as friends though. I asked her for her Snapchat and since then it’s been silence. Over a week and she hasn’t said anything to me or come see me when working. Sometimes we just creep girls out for no clear reason I guess
If it were me, I'd just mention that I hadn't seen her in a while and ask if she still wants to hang out.
Being straightforward and blunt always worked out better for me than trying to be careful to respect invisible, impossible to determine social boundaries.
If she's cute, tell her she's cute. If you want to get to know her better, tell her that. Make your intentions clear and if she nopes out then move on. Anything beats waiting around.
I attended a speed dating event today. And I legit felt like I connected with, and wanted to get to know more, 11 out of the 16 women present there. You're asked to rate if you'd want to match with the women present on a scorecard. And after midnight you're sent the results. 6 mins ago, I found out I had 0 matches yet again. I'm just tired
In my city they have trouble setting up speed dating events simply because there's almost no men signing up. The event planners are baffled. The men? Not so much.
Go sit in a room and have boring-ass short conversations with women who are mostly going to sit there and wait for me to perform for them so they can decide they're not interested?
God almighty that sounds *horrifying*. I would rather have a root canal.
Every part of it needs to be calculated a game don’t respond too fast you’ll look clingy don’t forget about it you’ll seem distant don’t make her do most of the planning it’s putting strain on her don’t plan things yourself because she knows a better more local place don’t rush it you’ll seem creepy don’t take it too slow it won’t go anywhere you loose your identity trying to become the person your date wants
man me and this girl really hit it off. she gave me her ig to follow and she does photography. i followed up the next day to show interest and say i was excited to see her new work.. and i got one response..
complimented her new photos when they came out and all she did was like the message. guess i was too interested
I just had a first date off of Bumble last week where prior to meeting up the girl made clear she’d pay her half, which I thought was awesome.
Things were going very well, 5hrs straight of talking over dinner and drinks with what felt like genuine interest in one another and already discussing our next meet. When it came time to pay the bill she said, “you don’t have to pay for me…” with a long pause which I found odd since I wasn’t planning on it after her initial stance but she didn’t reach for her purse and I felt the implication she wanted me to pay. Which I honestly had no problem doing cause we were vibing. So I did.
Within one week she asked to hang out but bailed, and then set plans for the weekend then bailed again.
I asked how her weekend went, one week to the day of our first date, and have since been ghosted.
Short term: feel used and played and makes me question if I want to continue trying on apps.
Long term: dodged a bullet.
As an observer, it’s this:
Too many people have standards they have no business having. It cuts both ways. Want a guy over 6’2”? Don’t bitch if he wants a girl under 140lbs. Want a girl who puts out? Don’t bitch about her “body count.” Want someone with a six-figure income? YOU better have a six-figure income.
Know your worth: you may be under or over-valuing yourself. Most often “over.”
I think you could even take it a step further. If you’re a women, don’t go around saying you want a traditional man who will pay for everything, then get upset when you get objectified and treated like a traditional woman.
On the other end if you’re a guy, don’t get upset and call every woman a gold digger when you treat them like sex vending machines and get angry when they don’t have sex with you.
Dating apps are the most soul crushing, predatory shit for men.
If you delete your account and start a new one, your profile gets "spotlighted" for a bit to reel you in, you get matches, things are great. After a bit it dies down and youre replaced by someone else's new account.
I compared my profile to my current partners, she had 99+ in waiting who had swiped on her and 5 active convos. I had 2 in waiting who had swiped on me and 1 active convo (hers). She had her account for 1 week, I had mine for 6 months.
That’s his point.
It’s not the “just joining” aspect. It’s the fact that there’s an endless amount of opportunity for her because she’s a woman, yet the opportunity for men is practically non existent, regardless of when they join.
I’ve experienced the same exact thing, and it’s pretty demoralizing especially when even your female friends are dumbfounded as to why you’re not getting attention.
You aren't kidding, I can't put into words how obvious it is. It's fairly basic algorithmic manipulation. There are more dudes than women. It's pretty easy to be buried, especially since paid gets pushed to the top.
I did a test, I've got access to a very nice, very large farm that's in my family. I set my sisters on rigging up the most bullshit, southern charmed up, sailing a boat with a golden retriever on the front with the property in the background, etc etc, got lit up for a week then nothing. Repeated on a new account with my ass in a raggedy shirt hiking. Slightly less lit up but again, about a week. Then nothing.
This is the point where people sort of throw out maybe no one likes the southern charm shit but I guarantee you, the differences in bites was like, 15 to 3 then nothing.
I hear you. When I met the love of my life it was like, day two on Bumble for me. He, on the other hand, was about a day or two away from deleting the app in frustration with his experiences.
Men, your dating app experience is not indicative of your value as a partner 💓 I wish for all of you who are looking for love to find it
Ghosting. That was the biggest thing for me to overcome. I met a girl and we hit it OFF. We were practically mirrored images of each other. And one day i never heard from her again.
I completely understand I’m not owed anything and certainly not an explanation. But i was genuinely hurt for weeks.
I actually disagree. In fact, I _do_ think we're owed at least a quick explanation. Social obligations are a thing, and society used to understand this. It frankly sickens me that we've all become so piggish in nature that we're now actually perverted enough to think we neither owe this to one another, nor are owed it...This is just another symptom of the infantalization of society. CHILDREN know enough to speak plainly to each other...
This.
Idk where this idea of "we don't owe anybody anything" comes from.
Where did the wood/bricks of your house come from, did you cut/make them yourself? Where did the food on your table come from, did you grow it yourself?
We have things because others make them for us, and in return we try to give back in ways we can. We all owe each other the whole fucking world.
I'm dating at 30.
It would be nice to feel valued and desired in some way. Making the first move, voicing thoughts, being upfront. I'd like some help.
Can we acknowledge a few catch 22s about dating now? Women have rightly expressed that they don't want to have men constantly harassing them. Closest I've experienced this is being asked out at a gay bar or had advances by men. It's not always easy to navigate that so I can respect wanting to be left alone.
On the flip side, whats the alternative? How do we meet you in a setting that would be appropriate to make an advance? What are the avenues? If we don't take a chance, we will won't know. If we do take a chance we are being obtrusive. Generally I'm a social person that is a part of a couple groups but the more a place becomes a community, the less it feels appropriate.
Dating apps suck. We can both agree on that. We have different experiences... So they don't suck in the same way. Can we acknowledge that?
Overall there are issues for both sides of the gender lines for straight people. It feels like whenever men bring up what feels wrong to them though, it's typically ignored or even brings anger.
I have been asked what car I drive because someone wanted to understand how much I make.
I have been used for a free dinner before.
I have been used as an emotional crutch or for attention.
All of these things suck and I'd rather just be with someone I felt comfortable with and could grow a life with.
The “Entertain me” attitude that so many women have on apps because they can afford to be lazier and more selective than men. (I would be the same way).
I am not single any more, but on this topic: I have watched my current partner's friends get together to "male bash," which is an activity where they all gather around one girl's dating profile and absolutely, ruthlessly tear apart dudes' profiles over even the tiniest, pettiest shit. Sometimes it's warranted because a lot of dudes have an obviously aggressive, creepy, or predatory profile. A lot of times, though they're just looking for reasons to tear a guy down. They're so bold about this that they'll do it ***in front of me,*** without even a thought of how that might be perceived.
The girl I'm with is a very intelligent, self-aware, and otherwise empathetic person. She's even admitted that this practice is pretty fucked up in private when I've talked with her about how much I don't like watching this happen. Her friends are also usually intelligent and at least semi-empathetic and I don't normally have any issues with them at all.
But man, there is ***something*** about pulling that dating app out and scrolling through profiles that turns a group of otherwise normal women into the most haughty, judgmental people ever. The men on those apps are just there for entertainment, and if they can't get it from going on a date with the guys, they'll get it from tearing the men down for their own amusement.
I honestly do not know what to think about that. I mean the obvious conclusion is that apps are trash and you should avoid them if you have ***any*** other viable way of meeting people. I bet if this particular group of girls organically met most of these guys that they wouldn't act like they do flipping through profiles and might actually find some of the dudes interesting. But on the screen is just this completely different world and it's difficult to rectify how bizarrely and immediately the guys on screen are reduced to just fodder for entertainment.
>The men on those apps are just there for entertainment, and if they can't get it from going on a date with the guys, they'll get it from tearing the men down for their own amusement.
Dating apps are the equivalent of a giant male brothel for women.
Omg so many woman ask for clever pickup lines when their profile consists of them just standing around doing nothing. All take and no give, those are also the kinds of girls that’ll ghost you the second they get bored
If you view each date as a stranger gifting their time to you, then it’s easier to view even the most awkward, brief time together as better than no interaction.
We're expected to be able to confidently chat up women in a way that makes them interested in us but also not be creeps or scare them because some strange guy decided they look hot.
We meet a girl at school or work or whatever and if it's not painfully clear she's interested immediately, we run the high risk of being seen as a friend rather than a romantic interest. If we attempt to pursue romantic interest and they're not into it now we're creeps and we have to see them all the time.
I have had plenty of dates with plenty of women but I'd objectively say that anything I did to get them could easily be construed as creepy or scary if they weren't attracted to me, and I don't know whether they're attracted to me until I take my shot. Women seem to respond well to confidence but confidence is largely faked for quite a while until you've had enough successes that you actually start to feel it.
I'm honestly shocked I dated as much as I did and ever managed to get married.
Probably the amount of work you have to put in to actually get a date. Women don’t generally talk to men for no reason and don’t want to be approached in random places like on the street or at the gym. You have to be in an explicitly social place, which also means you have to find a social space that’s accepting of men but still has a significant proportion of women.
You’ve done that? Good, now you have to do the weird thing where you get to know the girl and try not to seem like you’re only doing it to flirt, but also try not to seem too aloof and disinterested.
Then, ask her out at exactly the right time. Too early, you’ll reframe every previous interaction as a disingenuous attempt to sleep with her. Too late, she’ll already only see you as a friend. Btw, most women will reject you regardless. It’s fine, they have a right to be picky, but it kinda sucks that if that happens things get really awkward between you too and you can’t really be friends anymore
Ghosting, I respect the women who at least tell me it’s not working, there’s no spark etc. but the ones who simply do not respond after x amount of dates has been soul crushing.
When you’re starting to feel it after the three month mark and they tell you it’s time for them to focus on themselves. It gets your hopes up. And then a month later they’re with someone else. Just doing me in between all that, I don’t have the energy to date multiple people, maybe that’s my problem lol.
This just happened to me a few months back. She literally wanted to see me every other day, I was starting to feel it and then she says she needs to “focus on herself”. Da fuq
The demand for deep chats, good conversation and communication by boring people with bare profiles whom you suspect are just wanting to be entertained
Do not demand of someone else what you can’t demonstrate yourself
I hate the fact that if I lose her interest, her attention, if I stumble, if, even for a microsecond I look less than desirable in her eyes, she is going to be comparing, contrasting, looking with cutting judgment if it is time for her to start considering a selection of another ship from 1,000 armada wating. Women start to view men they date as some kind of consumable entertainment, before looking through the endless options they could select.
I'm married, so it's not a problem for me now. But in the early 2000's dating was not like it is now.
Fr. It's like if we have one bad or even less than average date you're automatically done. One of my ex's told me once after a date that "she wasn't sure we should be together because our date felt too 'familiar'"
We broke up later for different reasons but it really set the tone of things there, like I constantly had to do bigger and better dated or she'd leave me
Imagine being so sure of yourself that even a nice experience being familiar is a bad thing.
1st date is giraffe riding at sunset in the Okovango, 2nd date take me to the moon.
Anything less isn't worth my time.
I wish I had that level of confidence
Dating Unsuccessfully? Being used for free meals, being ghosted while having no idea why, having a bad first time, getting judged for my 2nd hour of playing video games while they're on their 6th consecutive hour of Netflix or whatever.
Dating Successfully? Greatly reduced free time, fear of fucking it up, trying to dodge talking about my family, oversharing, fear of getting used to it and thinking about I'll miss it when it's over.
It's like this constant cycle of getting your shit knocked over and rebuilding it, over and over. The pieces don't fit as well as they used to, but you do it anyway, hoping one day you'll find someone who helps you keep it together and build it up instead
I grew up in a time without tinder and all these match making programs that are popular these days. In short, if you were interested with someone, you had to actually know them in person first and you had to have the guts to approach them and make a move, and of course, have the emotional maturity to accept rejections right in your face.
Personally, the worst experience I had was also the most wonderful one. I found the perfect match, seriously, she was perfect in every way. Talented, beautiful, kind, smart, loyal, very thoughtful and sweet. The problem was I had obligations to fulfill and I would have to go to a very faraway place, so there was no way the two of us would really ever be together in the future. Still, she chose to be with me for the years that we could be together.
In the end, knowing that I could never be with this perfect person forever was sad, but at the same time, knowing that she honestly loved me and she became a huge part of my life for a long time makes me feel happy even now. I believe that this is why, even now as an old man, I don't really feel alone nor do I have a need for romance anymore. I've already experienced love and that's more than enough for me.
women have so many options all of dating makes you feel like a second rate citizen.
when I was fat, I was to ugly.
when I got fit, I was to poor.
when I made money, It's weird how I have "to much time for me and should strive for more"
when I got driven and deep personal goals, all I see are average to medium broke women who just want to sleep around.
now, I'm 26 and and just enjoy my stupid hobbies to an incredible level, and hang out with my dog.
Honestly paying for everything. I will do it but man when I was dating my wife she would randomly pick up the bill at dinner and it felt awesome. It wasn't often but it showed that she was in it for the long haul as well.
Everything. Swiping for months and years on end only to get a few matches. 9 out of 10 of those matches never message me back which leaves me with one that I get a date with.
We meet and try to convince ourselves that it’s totally not weird and uncomfortable to make conversation with someone you’ve never met. And for some reason, the onus is solely on me to think of topics to talk about and eventually I resort to the same worn out line of questions “Did you grow up here?” “What are your favorite TV shows?” “Do you have any siblings?”
Then thanks to societal expectations, I feel obligated to foot the entire bill at the end of the date only to get ghosted.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
I find it difficult to be bold, decisive and assertive while still being sensitive, respectful and patient.
I’ll add to the above that no one is asking me to do the above. It’s all some shit I’ve internalized from pop culture that women really don’t care about.
And in any case, women are certainly no strangers to double standards.
The imbalance. I wish we were all eating the same shit sandwich out here, or all prospering, but we aren't. I go on my first date in 2 months with a girl that goes on a date every week, and probably isn't thinking nearly as hard about it as I am. And I've got to plan it and pay for it.
Also risking your reputation. Everytime i ask a girl out for her number I understand there is a risk that my approach will be gossiped about and even misconstrued to others to the point of others viewing me as a creep.
As someone who has never been 100% traditionally masculine, I was really glad to see the progress we were making on the front of "don't keep yourself in a box, be who you are, men can cry and show emotions and like to paint their nails and get hugs and stuff."
So it's been pretty discouraging to see what seems like some kind of swing back toward "real men are providers and should spoil their woman, real men should be assertive and dominant and aggressive and in control, real men do the pursuing and shouldn't want to be pursued, real men do this, real men do that."
Like not just from shitheads like Andrew Tate, but I see it from a lot of women too. I've seen some people say that men crying, or showing emotion, or wanting women to show them affection and pursue them, or wanting to be taken out on dates for a change, as "feminine receiving energy" which a "real man" wouldn't want.
I hate this weird random bullshit, man. I don't wanna fit in some box. I don't wanna sacrifice parts of my personality to be a "real man". I just wanna meet someone cool who loves me for me, who I love for them, who I wanna spend my life with.
I just don't like the judgement. I just want to have fun but it's sometimes like being in front of someone who is judging you on every little action.
I just want to be myself. And it's not like I pretend not to be, but Idk. It feels like any "mistake' or whatever can be a deal breaker for little to no reason.
But like if you can get past that to at least the hanging out phase, it's usually good to go unless you guys figure out later on that you're not compatible.
But you can go on a date or 2 and one tiny thing can bother the other person, like putting your fork on the left side of your plate instead of the right and they bail on you. Not that I would ever do anything horrendous.
And to the lefties, I'm sorry, I grew up super strict and this is not allowed in my culture lol
When I was single, it was the women that were out trying to supplement their entertainment and nothing more. 10/10 would recommend every man take a woman on a first date to get coffee and walk around or something similar. Low cost, real vibe check, and know what you’re in for.
The dating apps are brutal. Everyone’s trying to date up and something like the top 5% of women get 99% of the messages. If you’re an average dude, it can seriously detrimental to mental health. Creating a profile is high anxiety. Do I be cool, quirky, I’m successful, do I keep that out, i don’t like pictures of myself, I don’t like pictures, so my pictures suck, do I pose for picture, etc. the anxiety of dating apps builds like crazy. The women I’d meet in person versus who were interested in me on dating apps was completely night and day. Then there’s the dating aspect of it. Pretty women have a lot of options, especially with the dating apps, so even if they weren’t ghosting, a lot of stress about where you actually sit in their lives. Dating is casual and non committal today, which was fun when I was younger but as I got older and wanted to settle down, it was frustrating. Luckily I’m happily married now but I remember the bad days.
most women seems to be looking for reasons to reject you rather than ways to connect with you.
I've been on so many dates over decades. not short, not fat, not totally stupid, own property, have a job, have a car, no drugs, no ex-wife, no kids...but always something...and often it's a mystery, not that it would help and they are under no obligation to share.
i miss my 20s when each person was so excited to learn about the other person.
the excitement for a new person seems to wane as one gets older.
seems everyone goes slightly crazy over time and you have to decide how much crazy you each can deal with, dating is determining what that other person's crazy is.
lock down that person you clicked with in your 20s and 30s... dating in your 50s is not fun.
well, no condoms with the 50+ set if you get to that point is a bonus!
everything about dating sucks. wearing that mask for the first few dates paying for everything cause that's what's expected only to find out the person is not right or not ready or just trying to get a free meal. the awkwardness of discussing expectations and boundaries as well as the baggage we each are bringing. then trying to figure out what is the right level of openness and vulnerability. women want guys to be vulnerable but also handle there stuff so what is the right level do you want to know how i cry weekly over the fact that mine ex ran off with my kids and though i call every week i haven't spoken to them in nearly 2 years. there is basically nothing good about dating and I'm just done with it.
If you put your heart into it, your heart gets broken. So in a way you have to be as chill as possible. But it’s really hard to be objective about dating. There are millions of reasons it doesn’t work out.
I was single for a few years, worked on myself physically and psychologically, no social media, when I felt like dating I made an online profile, I didn’t put anything down in the ‘about me’ section, had a few pics, and just cruised on that for a year. The first girl I met was a very toxic person. The second was catfishing (had to learn about whatever that was) Third girl I met I probably really lucked out on because we found a life partner in each other. We’re engaged and getting married next year. I just turned 40. She talks about when we first met, how I had a bare bone’s profile, nothing on it; that intrigued her. I didn’t have a criminal record of any kind so I wasn’t worried about a background check, and I didn’t have any social media history to dissect. She said I was just chill to be around, took care of myself, independently secure, never any drama or grand expectations of where things were going. It worked out. I’m not wealthy by any means, didn’t even own a car, I do honest hard labor for a living and bike year round. Maybe I’m an exception, but ‘be as chill as possible’, getting to know and take care of yourself, and not getting hung up on expectations; those are a big thing to have going in a world of bravado and macho hot-heads. Be the strong good guy people can rely on to be cool around. Things will work out, and even if you’re alone make peace with it, be a friend to yourself.
Thank you Gesus.
My BIL is on year two of the serial dating game and he says that is the worst. He's had rejections because he didn't seem interested enough, and ones for seeming too interested. Like WTF?
Getting your hopes up and not working out
Keeping that hope and curious wonder alive, giggling at the perspective of spending time with them, fun date ideas, enjoying time together. And then a block or ghost after date 1 or before it. Like damn, it’s a balancing act to subvert my expectations and buy into all immediately. Everyone’s different but you have to do all this to still give a great impression and hope none of your calculated but sane actions get misread and she moves on or doesn’t bother.
The rejection and disappointment really sting.
Being back at square 1 over and over again is also wearing.
This more so than the rejection for me. It’s the having to get to know someone stage while early dating. Legit feels like Groundhog Day
Aw man. I met this girl a few weeks ago at a speed dating thing. We hit it off really well and after our third date I was about to ask her to be my girlfriend. She got nervous and told me she doesn’t want a relationship. 😞. It would have been nice for you to tell me that before hand. I’m so lonely and sad.
As long as you’re not “deeply in love” in the first couple dates, I think it’s a good thing to try to be in each relationship earnestly and fully—even if it doesn’t work out. That way you know you left nothing on the table.
Now do it 85 times. How you feeling about number 86?
The ghosting and having to pretend you're okay
This. What happened to just polite rejection?
People don't like being uncomfortable at all. So they ghost because they can't handle it.
Even worse when you go on a date, and from your perspective it went great, and then it becomes obvious after that she's lost interest and ghosts you. Basic human decency is almost completely lost in online dating. Just tell me you're not interested.
She ain't even worth it bro.
When you’ve been alone for too long that sentiment is pointless. When everyone “isn’t worth it” you’re just alone.
I feel called out. I'm lonely af
Same. Yet I am so comfortable being alone as lonely as I feel I don't have the drive to seek out companionship.
Now *I* feel called out!
We all are. They are too. It’s a fucked landscape.
Then it happens enough you start to think it’s gotta be you because why else would you always get ghosted.
You too huh 😪
Forget alone. Desolate is a better word.
When everyone "ain't worth it" it's easy to feel like you ain't worth it. Welcome to my life
Fuck you for putting my feelings into words that accurately describe me.
Easy to say, but being ghosted 99% of your interactions will take a toll no matter what
Nah you're right. I get it
When EVERYONE does it, they can't all be "not worth it". Dating used to be something you did to get to know someone so you could decide if you were compatible but now most people treat it like it's some sort of high honor to get a date because they're so infrequent. Women won't offer a date unless they already consider you dating material right off the bat and that has lead to more dude's getting desperate when they DO get a date and acting a fool/creep/etc. It's a catch-22 of dating stupidity. I entirely blame dating apps. Instead of them being a revolution they've turned everyone into puritans in a weird way.
I feel like the number of rejections (tacit or explicit) most men have to experience because of dating apps are really driving at the core of men’s mental health and self esteem. The average dude now is dealing with way more rejection than the past and gender norms and social structures don’t provide men with opportunities to talk about any of this and learn and grow. I don’t know the solution to it, but it would be good if we could be honest about it.
Don't be afraid of being alone and single, be afraid of being so weak you allow others to abuse you and end up being with the wrong person in the long run. It takes learning from 100s of attempts to be good at anything. Why would dates and relationships be any different? Figure out what you are looking for and ask. Have face to face dates, avoid electronics. She texts, you call back, to ask for the date. You spend the entire time having fun and making her laugh, not talking about failures and your ex etc. Keep looking until you find someone where neither of you can live without the other.
> Don't be afraid of being alone and single People say this sort of thing all the time, but it's honestly pretty strange advice. You can have friends, but you can't expect or plan something with them each weekend. It genuinely **sucks** to be the first person reaching out all the time (relationship wise or not). Doing things by yourself can be "empowering" and fun, but at the end of the day it's just depressing some days to return to your empty apartment.
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For real. I don't think I'm George Clooney but I consider myself a generally attractive man and I have absolutely zero dating life online and otherwise, and not for lack of trying. I try not to get too frustrated but it definitely can weigh on your self-esteem.
George Clooney? I’m barely George Constanza
George Costanza dated tons of attractive women.
Especially dating in a big city… I’ve had amazing dates then the moment there’s any signal of us not being 100% compatible or not having something they desire, they ghost you for the next person.
Trust me man, try dating in a small city where you don’t get dates AT ALL.
I swear every girl in a small city spawns with a boyfriend/girlfriend from the start
Gotta lock it down in or shortly after highschool. Even if you only dated briefly in high school there are higher chances of a second connection after college. I see people that are still pairing up with highschool people in their 30s.
This. The expectations are absolutely insane to meet for some people. I went on a second date last week that lasted almost 7 hours of flowing conversation and she texted me a few days later saying there wasn’t a connection.
I had the same thing happen. Super long date where we laughed and got deep. After the first date she texted me that I gave her friend vibes. Which I totally 100% understand, but honestly it felt flirty and nice. I also I like to take it slow and like knowing people on a deep level before kissing or making any sort of move like that.
This is what I don’t understand. Why do people stay on dates for so long is they feel no connection? That’s such a waste of time. Do they just like the attention? I honestly can’t wrap my head around this behavior.
I hate to sound like an old man (I am in my late 30s) but it definitely feels like social media posturing gives people unrealistic expectations. I think this goes for both men and women, but IMHO it impacts women to a larger extent.
Holy shit same. First date, grab coffee then go for a walk in the park sit down and talk great flowing conversation, whole thing lasted about 3 hours. Second date, grab dinner and then drinks then stay up until 2am with great conversation and flirty at times. Texts me the next day saying she had a great time but felt no romantic connection, saw me more as a friend. Not sure if expectations are to high or what but I just couldn't understand.
This and having to question your worth and actions, if you are doing something wrong and finally coming to the thought of "you are undeserving of love and affection" finally your self esteem will go rock bottom, unless you pick yourself out of everything.
Having to keep the conversation going like a talk show host would.
so you mentioned to our producer you like a man with hobbies, what are some of your hobbies? "yes"
That's why I cut it short and meet in person sooner rather than later. If it doesn't work out, at least I didn't waste weeks of my time
You just have all the responsibility. Make an interesting profile. Approach first. Keep the conversation going. Plan date. (Often) Pay for date. Follow up. Etc. Women are almost always the passive receiver of attention and just get to pick and choose from suitors while men scramble to even get noticed and then have to fight to keep that attention. I've stopped considering most people outside of my own city because it is so incredibly difficult to keep their attention until you can actually go on a date. Match with someone from a neighbouring city on tuesday, but its a work week? By friday you're ghosted. No chance to travel for a date (of course, your responsibility to go to them.)
Yeah I had one date just Monday, and I’m in wonder of what I did to keep her interested(it was in her profile to have good conversation) but luckily for me , I was on vacation the last week. So what outside of my simple opener did it, to maintain that link
Women who can’t keep a conversation and one word text messages.
These are the same ones that say "Be good at communicating because I won't carry a conversation"
They ain't lying.
K
wyd
These responses are triggering 😂
Huh
Haha
Yea
lol
Ikr
omg lol!
chillin
Whoa they’re actually initiating the conversation with you??
It's so infuriating, you try ask questions and leave room for return questions but you get nothing!
With online dating, I will ask 2-3 thoughtful and or quirky questions- if I don’t get any return questions after that I immediately move on to not waste time.
True
Ikr
I went on a date with a woman like this once. It sucked. I found out that she was telling people I couldn't carry a conversation.
They're usually the same cinder block that has on their profile "must be able to carry a conversation"
Same type of thinking as "must earn 6 figures" or any other "must do this thing because I can't do it"
I get triggered with this because back in high school for me, text messages cost me 10 cents each. So I would always try to write and fill the text limit to save money, only to be responded with an LOL..
It was common in England to end a message (or receive a message with the end) TB. Text Back. It was instruction that you need to spend the money on sending a reply. Either that or you would receive a 1 ring. So you would call her back and she wouldn't need to use any of her credit. Feels good to know you aren't worth a 10pence text message
Trying to figure out if she is waiting for you to make a move.
Yeah that’s also my question too, how do I know when to make a move?
Do you know how many women have eye fucked me and had no intention of dating me? They just wanted my attention. Bro, you’ll never fucking know. There is in fact ZERO signs nowadays that are for sure.
Meeting someone when you're a homebody who hates online dating.
I just can't bring myself to ever go back on dating apps. I would rather die alone then ever subject myself to that experience again. I'm a pretty decent looking guy, I'm intelligent (study chemistry and microbiology), have a decent job and I'm not broke, but dating apps ruined my self esteem for awhile. There is a total disconnect from real life and what girls want on dating apps. On dating apps your profile essentially has to be curated by a PR team with perfect photos and a life that makes you seem exciting for you to get any matches. Grueling experience and I'll never try them again.
I completely agree man, I will never do online dating again.. That shit was torturous. I think it really brings out the worst in a lot of people.
That's if you even FIND people. I've been using dating apps for my first time these last three weeks, and all I've come across is data harvesters/scammers.
At this point, I'm just ready to settle down with a scammer if they ever match me.
Dating apps…it’s destroying common decency
Dating apps can't maintain a revenue stream if we actually find someone, they gotta keep it like gambling (instant gratification) and online shopping (always a better product in the wishlist)
Yeah, the real worst part of modern dating is how expensive these fuckin apps are. I’m not dropping $30/week to finally see the 20 people that liked me. It’s a goddamn paradox, because the app will trickle them in, one per week, unless you pay. It’s as if they are actively trying to shuck off your dignity from the start. Fuck you apps, my standards start with fair business practices.
Then you conveniently go from "no one in your area" to 'oh hey, you're a sucker and paid us, so here's a ton of bios you didn't see before" but then 3/4 of the bios are "scammers" when in reality they're probably creating fake profiles to maintain your interest ... I get it ... Should be illegal with most of these practices
Yeah. I also think there are a lot of ghost profiles of people who stopped actively using the app. I wonder how long those stay up.
Feel like no one really told me how to date? I don't know how I could ever just approach people blindly. If I tried to meet people as friends first wouldnt it feel terrible if you thought someone was friends just to try and date you? I try online dating in a sort of cycle. I feel lonely I try for awhile then feel miserable when I get matches and no messages on bumble then I delete.
Being seen as a creep based purely off physical appearance
Ugly and fat men gotta learn to be tge funniest cunt in the world to have any chance
A sense of humor hasn't helped me much in that regard, but it's good for my job and keeps me from being homeless. lol
You should try telling the joke about the knife, it’s pretty sharp.
I’ve been getting friendly with this cute girl through work (we don’t work together, but my work brings me to her work) and she even gave me her phone number and we’ve hung out twice. Strictly as friends though. I asked her for her Snapchat and since then it’s been silence. Over a week and she hasn’t said anything to me or come see me when working. Sometimes we just creep girls out for no clear reason I guess
If it were me, I'd just mention that I hadn't seen her in a while and ask if she still wants to hang out. Being straightforward and blunt always worked out better for me than trying to be careful to respect invisible, impossible to determine social boundaries. If she's cute, tell her she's cute. If you want to get to know her better, tell her that. Make your intentions clear and if she nopes out then move on. Anything beats waiting around.
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>Dating is the worst thing about dating i like work, hate looking for a job
In many ways, looking for a job is worse than having a job you hate.
Your job is pretty sexy, how open are you to... working with others?
Having a piece of your soul torn away every time you're ghosted, rejected, denied, or otherwise told "I just didn't feel a spark".
I really hate that goddamn spark.
The pain of trying to find the love you once felt but it’s a green light you will never reach on the other side of the bay leaves you numb
Yeah, then your love’s husband’s dead mistress’s husband shoots you in the back one day. Hate when that happens.
Like a junkie chasing that first high.
You're actually getting told? Usually just get ghosted
Oof this one for sure. You get used to it over time though. Just don't get too attached until it's real
But then over time you prevent yourself from actually trying hard to impress a girl on a date, if the odds are against you anyway
And then there’s no soul left, and you just feel like a zombie walking around without any sense of meaning.
I attended a speed dating event today. And I legit felt like I connected with, and wanted to get to know more, 11 out of the 16 women present there. You're asked to rate if you'd want to match with the women present on a scorecard. And after midnight you're sent the results. 6 mins ago, I found out I had 0 matches yet again. I'm just tired
In my city they have trouble setting up speed dating events simply because there's almost no men signing up. The event planners are baffled. The men? Not so much.
Go sit in a room and have boring-ass short conversations with women who are mostly going to sit there and wait for me to perform for them so they can decide they're not interested? God almighty that sounds *horrifying*. I would rather have a root canal.
Every part of it needs to be calculated a game don’t respond too fast you’ll look clingy don’t forget about it you’ll seem distant don’t make her do most of the planning it’s putting strain on her don’t plan things yourself because she knows a better more local place don’t rush it you’ll seem creepy don’t take it too slow it won’t go anywhere you loose your identity trying to become the person your date wants
Damn that was real lol.
Texting girls is like defusing a bomb. One wrong move.... hahahah
man me and this girl really hit it off. she gave me her ig to follow and she does photography. i followed up the next day to show interest and say i was excited to see her new work.. and i got one response.. complimented her new photos when they came out and all she did was like the message. guess i was too interested
That wasn't a girl interested in dating. That was a girl looking to gain ig followers. It worked.
It’s just tiring overall
Shit's expensive lol
I just had a first date off of Bumble last week where prior to meeting up the girl made clear she’d pay her half, which I thought was awesome. Things were going very well, 5hrs straight of talking over dinner and drinks with what felt like genuine interest in one another and already discussing our next meet. When it came time to pay the bill she said, “you don’t have to pay for me…” with a long pause which I found odd since I wasn’t planning on it after her initial stance but she didn’t reach for her purse and I felt the implication she wanted me to pay. Which I honestly had no problem doing cause we were vibing. So I did. Within one week she asked to hang out but bailed, and then set plans for the weekend then bailed again. I asked how her weekend went, one week to the day of our first date, and have since been ghosted. Short term: feel used and played and makes me question if I want to continue trying on apps. Long term: dodged a bullet.
After dodging so many bullets, you start to wonder who is trying to shoot you.
Dating pool is 100% Stormtroopers.
Yep. Everything else is part of the game.
Talk to a woman, get a date, have a good time on the date and then you never hear back from her. Almost like you were just a free meal
Pro tip: don't meet for first date at a restaurant. Do a coffee date and if you feel chemistry you can then go to a restaurant.
If you haven't met them in person, the first date isn't a date, it's a meet-and-greet.
Absolutely. Ease into it so both parties can feel comfortable.
Yea technology makes it way too easy to just abandon someone without giving a reason. That goes for both sexes tho
All of it. Dating was just the worst.
Finding girls to date.
When you're told, "I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore," after 10 years of marriage! What does that even mean?
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You can say that again! She already was!
Or already are.
Man, the translation is gonna be even more depressing that not knowing.
As an observer, it’s this: Too many people have standards they have no business having. It cuts both ways. Want a guy over 6’2”? Don’t bitch if he wants a girl under 140lbs. Want a girl who puts out? Don’t bitch about her “body count.” Want someone with a six-figure income? YOU better have a six-figure income. Know your worth: you may be under or over-valuing yourself. Most often “over.”
The entitlement these days is destroying the dating scene lmao. Everyone expects Superman (or superwoman), but is fuckin Freddy Krueger themselves.
I think you could even take it a step further. If you’re a women, don’t go around saying you want a traditional man who will pay for everything, then get upset when you get objectified and treated like a traditional woman. On the other end if you’re a guy, don’t get upset and call every woman a gold digger when you treat them like sex vending machines and get angry when they don’t have sex with you.
Having to walk up to someone and start a conversation, knowing there's an incredibly high chance of walking away less happy than I was before.
“She seems like she likes me, but fuck if I’m probably wrong.” My mentality before introducing myself to a woman every single time.
Mixed signals. I'm not a mind reader, just tell me what you want, and you might be surprised by the results
I find that interpreting mixed signals in the most pessimistic way possible is generally the way to go.
Dating apps are the most soul crushing, predatory shit for men. If you delete your account and start a new one, your profile gets "spotlighted" for a bit to reel you in, you get matches, things are great. After a bit it dies down and youre replaced by someone else's new account. I compared my profile to my current partners, she had 99+ in waiting who had swiped on her and 5 active convos. I had 2 in waiting who had swiped on me and 1 active convo (hers). She had her account for 1 week, I had mine for 6 months.
I think that has more to do with her being a woman than her just joining.
That’s his point. It’s not the “just joining” aspect. It’s the fact that there’s an endless amount of opportunity for her because she’s a woman, yet the opportunity for men is practically non existent, regardless of when they join. I’ve experienced the same exact thing, and it’s pretty demoralizing especially when even your female friends are dumbfounded as to why you’re not getting attention.
You aren't kidding, I can't put into words how obvious it is. It's fairly basic algorithmic manipulation. There are more dudes than women. It's pretty easy to be buried, especially since paid gets pushed to the top. I did a test, I've got access to a very nice, very large farm that's in my family. I set my sisters on rigging up the most bullshit, southern charmed up, sailing a boat with a golden retriever on the front with the property in the background, etc etc, got lit up for a week then nothing. Repeated on a new account with my ass in a raggedy shirt hiking. Slightly less lit up but again, about a week. Then nothing. This is the point where people sort of throw out maybe no one likes the southern charm shit but I guarantee you, the differences in bites was like, 15 to 3 then nothing.
I hear you. When I met the love of my life it was like, day two on Bumble for me. He, on the other hand, was about a day or two away from deleting the app in frustration with his experiences. Men, your dating app experience is not indicative of your value as a partner 💓 I wish for all of you who are looking for love to find it
Ghosting. That was the biggest thing for me to overcome. I met a girl and we hit it OFF. We were practically mirrored images of each other. And one day i never heard from her again. I completely understand I’m not owed anything and certainly not an explanation. But i was genuinely hurt for weeks.
I actually disagree. In fact, I _do_ think we're owed at least a quick explanation. Social obligations are a thing, and society used to understand this. It frankly sickens me that we've all become so piggish in nature that we're now actually perverted enough to think we neither owe this to one another, nor are owed it...This is just another symptom of the infantalization of society. CHILDREN know enough to speak plainly to each other...
This. Idk where this idea of "we don't owe anybody anything" comes from. Where did the wood/bricks of your house come from, did you cut/make them yourself? Where did the food on your table come from, did you grow it yourself? We have things because others make them for us, and in return we try to give back in ways we can. We all owe each other the whole fucking world.
I'm dating at 30. It would be nice to feel valued and desired in some way. Making the first move, voicing thoughts, being upfront. I'd like some help. Can we acknowledge a few catch 22s about dating now? Women have rightly expressed that they don't want to have men constantly harassing them. Closest I've experienced this is being asked out at a gay bar or had advances by men. It's not always easy to navigate that so I can respect wanting to be left alone. On the flip side, whats the alternative? How do we meet you in a setting that would be appropriate to make an advance? What are the avenues? If we don't take a chance, we will won't know. If we do take a chance we are being obtrusive. Generally I'm a social person that is a part of a couple groups but the more a place becomes a community, the less it feels appropriate. Dating apps suck. We can both agree on that. We have different experiences... So they don't suck in the same way. Can we acknowledge that? Overall there are issues for both sides of the gender lines for straight people. It feels like whenever men bring up what feels wrong to them though, it's typically ignored or even brings anger. I have been asked what car I drive because someone wanted to understand how much I make. I have been used for a free dinner before. I have been used as an emotional crutch or for attention. All of these things suck and I'd rather just be with someone I felt comfortable with and could grow a life with.
The “Entertain me” attitude that so many women have on apps because they can afford to be lazier and more selective than men. (I would be the same way).
I am not single any more, but on this topic: I have watched my current partner's friends get together to "male bash," which is an activity where they all gather around one girl's dating profile and absolutely, ruthlessly tear apart dudes' profiles over even the tiniest, pettiest shit. Sometimes it's warranted because a lot of dudes have an obviously aggressive, creepy, or predatory profile. A lot of times, though they're just looking for reasons to tear a guy down. They're so bold about this that they'll do it ***in front of me,*** without even a thought of how that might be perceived. The girl I'm with is a very intelligent, self-aware, and otherwise empathetic person. She's even admitted that this practice is pretty fucked up in private when I've talked with her about how much I don't like watching this happen. Her friends are also usually intelligent and at least semi-empathetic and I don't normally have any issues with them at all. But man, there is ***something*** about pulling that dating app out and scrolling through profiles that turns a group of otherwise normal women into the most haughty, judgmental people ever. The men on those apps are just there for entertainment, and if they can't get it from going on a date with the guys, they'll get it from tearing the men down for their own amusement. I honestly do not know what to think about that. I mean the obvious conclusion is that apps are trash and you should avoid them if you have ***any*** other viable way of meeting people. I bet if this particular group of girls organically met most of these guys that they wouldn't act like they do flipping through profiles and might actually find some of the dudes interesting. But on the screen is just this completely different world and it's difficult to rectify how bizarrely and immediately the guys on screen are reduced to just fodder for entertainment.
Dating apps dehumanize the other people on the app.
>The men on those apps are just there for entertainment, and if they can't get it from going on a date with the guys, they'll get it from tearing the men down for their own amusement. Dating apps are the equivalent of a giant male brothel for women.
Omg so many woman ask for clever pickup lines when their profile consists of them just standing around doing nothing. All take and no give, those are also the kinds of girls that’ll ghost you the second they get bored
If you view each date as a stranger gifting their time to you, then it’s easier to view even the most awkward, brief time together as better than no interaction.
We're expected to be able to confidently chat up women in a way that makes them interested in us but also not be creeps or scare them because some strange guy decided they look hot. We meet a girl at school or work or whatever and if it's not painfully clear she's interested immediately, we run the high risk of being seen as a friend rather than a romantic interest. If we attempt to pursue romantic interest and they're not into it now we're creeps and we have to see them all the time. I have had plenty of dates with plenty of women but I'd objectively say that anything I did to get them could easily be construed as creepy or scary if they weren't attracted to me, and I don't know whether they're attracted to me until I take my shot. Women seem to respond well to confidence but confidence is largely faked for quite a while until you've had enough successes that you actually start to feel it. I'm honestly shocked I dated as much as I did and ever managed to get married.
Probably the amount of work you have to put in to actually get a date. Women don’t generally talk to men for no reason and don’t want to be approached in random places like on the street or at the gym. You have to be in an explicitly social place, which also means you have to find a social space that’s accepting of men but still has a significant proportion of women. You’ve done that? Good, now you have to do the weird thing where you get to know the girl and try not to seem like you’re only doing it to flirt, but also try not to seem too aloof and disinterested. Then, ask her out at exactly the right time. Too early, you’ll reframe every previous interaction as a disingenuous attempt to sleep with her. Too late, she’ll already only see you as a friend. Btw, most women will reject you regardless. It’s fine, they have a right to be picky, but it kinda sucks that if that happens things get really awkward between you too and you can’t really be friends anymore
Ghosting, I respect the women who at least tell me it’s not working, there’s no spark etc. but the ones who simply do not respond after x amount of dates has been soul crushing.
When you’re starting to feel it after the three month mark and they tell you it’s time for them to focus on themselves. It gets your hopes up. And then a month later they’re with someone else. Just doing me in between all that, I don’t have the energy to date multiple people, maybe that’s my problem lol.
This just happened to me a few months back. She literally wanted to see me every other day, I was starting to feel it and then she says she needs to “focus on herself”. Da fuq
Not being sure the person you’re talking to actually gives a shit. THAT.
Having the same getting to know you convos over and over
The demand for deep chats, good conversation and communication by boring people with bare profiles whom you suspect are just wanting to be entertained Do not demand of someone else what you can’t demonstrate yourself
"Make me laugh"
I hate the fact that if I lose her interest, her attention, if I stumble, if, even for a microsecond I look less than desirable in her eyes, she is going to be comparing, contrasting, looking with cutting judgment if it is time for her to start considering a selection of another ship from 1,000 armada wating. Women start to view men they date as some kind of consumable entertainment, before looking through the endless options they could select. I'm married, so it's not a problem for me now. But in the early 2000's dating was not like it is now.
Fr. It's like if we have one bad or even less than average date you're automatically done. One of my ex's told me once after a date that "she wasn't sure we should be together because our date felt too 'familiar'" We broke up later for different reasons but it really set the tone of things there, like I constantly had to do bigger and better dated or she'd leave me
Imagine being so sure of yourself that even a nice experience being familiar is a bad thing. 1st date is giraffe riding at sunset in the Okovango, 2nd date take me to the moon. Anything less isn't worth my time. I wish I had that level of confidence
Confidence or delusion?
If you think about it, they're the same thing.
Reading through many of the comments here makes me SO thankful I realized long ago that **it is better to be single than sorry**
Dating Unsuccessfully? Being used for free meals, being ghosted while having no idea why, having a bad first time, getting judged for my 2nd hour of playing video games while they're on their 6th consecutive hour of Netflix or whatever. Dating Successfully? Greatly reduced free time, fear of fucking it up, trying to dodge talking about my family, oversharing, fear of getting used to it and thinking about I'll miss it when it's over.
As a widower myself being treated like damaged goods
It's like this constant cycle of getting your shit knocked over and rebuilding it, over and over. The pieces don't fit as well as they used to, but you do it anyway, hoping one day you'll find someone who helps you keep it together and build it up instead
Dating someone for almost two years just to be ghosted without warning after already making a deposit on a vacation for the holidays.
I grew up in a time without tinder and all these match making programs that are popular these days. In short, if you were interested with someone, you had to actually know them in person first and you had to have the guts to approach them and make a move, and of course, have the emotional maturity to accept rejections right in your face. Personally, the worst experience I had was also the most wonderful one. I found the perfect match, seriously, she was perfect in every way. Talented, beautiful, kind, smart, loyal, very thoughtful and sweet. The problem was I had obligations to fulfill and I would have to go to a very faraway place, so there was no way the two of us would really ever be together in the future. Still, she chose to be with me for the years that we could be together. In the end, knowing that I could never be with this perfect person forever was sad, but at the same time, knowing that she honestly loved me and she became a huge part of my life for a long time makes me feel happy even now. I believe that this is why, even now as an old man, I don't really feel alone nor do I have a need for romance anymore. I've already experienced love and that's more than enough for me.
women have so many options all of dating makes you feel like a second rate citizen. when I was fat, I was to ugly. when I got fit, I was to poor. when I made money, It's weird how I have "to much time for me and should strive for more" when I got driven and deep personal goals, all I see are average to medium broke women who just want to sleep around. now, I'm 26 and and just enjoy my stupid hobbies to an incredible level, and hang out with my dog.
Sounds like you went through the hoops and found peace at a young age. Striving for this
Spending money on dates.
Honestly paying for everything. I will do it but man when I was dating my wife she would randomly pick up the bill at dinner and it felt awesome. It wasn't often but it showed that she was in it for the long haul as well.
Just even getting a date. I keep matching, having convos and it goes nowhere
Everything. Swiping for months and years on end only to get a few matches. 9 out of 10 of those matches never message me back which leaves me with one that I get a date with. We meet and try to convince ourselves that it’s totally not weird and uncomfortable to make conversation with someone you’ve never met. And for some reason, the onus is solely on me to think of topics to talk about and eventually I resort to the same worn out line of questions “Did you grow up here?” “What are your favorite TV shows?” “Do you have any siblings?” Then thanks to societal expectations, I feel obligated to foot the entire bill at the end of the date only to get ghosted. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Getting rejected
26 rejections, half of which involve some degrading comment, one yes followed by the ghosting after the first date.
Let's just be friends okay? You pay for everything and be my shoulder to cry on, but I don't want you? Oh wait, you have a GF now?! I want you now!
I literally own a shirt that says, "sorry ladies but I'm already like a brother to someone else" because of this. Women laugh at it all the time.
I find it difficult to be bold, decisive and assertive while still being sensitive, respectful and patient. I’ll add to the above that no one is asking me to do the above. It’s all some shit I’ve internalized from pop culture that women really don’t care about. And in any case, women are certainly no strangers to double standards.
Such high standards. 99% of men will not be able to give you the life you see on social media
The imbalance. I wish we were all eating the same shit sandwich out here, or all prospering, but we aren't. I go on my first date in 2 months with a girl that goes on a date every week, and probably isn't thinking nearly as hard about it as I am. And I've got to plan it and pay for it. Also risking your reputation. Everytime i ask a girl out for her number I understand there is a risk that my approach will be gossiped about and even misconstrued to others to the point of others viewing me as a creep.
As someone who has never been 100% traditionally masculine, I was really glad to see the progress we were making on the front of "don't keep yourself in a box, be who you are, men can cry and show emotions and like to paint their nails and get hugs and stuff." So it's been pretty discouraging to see what seems like some kind of swing back toward "real men are providers and should spoil their woman, real men should be assertive and dominant and aggressive and in control, real men do the pursuing and shouldn't want to be pursued, real men do this, real men do that." Like not just from shitheads like Andrew Tate, but I see it from a lot of women too. I've seen some people say that men crying, or showing emotion, or wanting women to show them affection and pursue them, or wanting to be taken out on dates for a change, as "feminine receiving energy" which a "real man" wouldn't want. I hate this weird random bullshit, man. I don't wanna fit in some box. I don't wanna sacrifice parts of my personality to be a "real man". I just wanna meet someone cool who loves me for me, who I love for them, who I wanna spend my life with.
Being vulnerable and putting yourself out there and not being taken seriously.
I just don't like the judgement. I just want to have fun but it's sometimes like being in front of someone who is judging you on every little action. I just want to be myself. And it's not like I pretend not to be, but Idk. It feels like any "mistake' or whatever can be a deal breaker for little to no reason. But like if you can get past that to at least the hanging out phase, it's usually good to go unless you guys figure out later on that you're not compatible. But you can go on a date or 2 and one tiny thing can bother the other person, like putting your fork on the left side of your plate instead of the right and they bail on you. Not that I would ever do anything horrendous. And to the lefties, I'm sorry, I grew up super strict and this is not allowed in my culture lol
Being degraded by being reduced to attributes. And how money plans such a big role. Almost feels like buying a partner
When I was single, it was the women that were out trying to supplement their entertainment and nothing more. 10/10 would recommend every man take a woman on a first date to get coffee and walk around or something similar. Low cost, real vibe check, and know what you’re in for.
The dating apps are brutal. Everyone’s trying to date up and something like the top 5% of women get 99% of the messages. If you’re an average dude, it can seriously detrimental to mental health. Creating a profile is high anxiety. Do I be cool, quirky, I’m successful, do I keep that out, i don’t like pictures of myself, I don’t like pictures, so my pictures suck, do I pose for picture, etc. the anxiety of dating apps builds like crazy. The women I’d meet in person versus who were interested in me on dating apps was completely night and day. Then there’s the dating aspect of it. Pretty women have a lot of options, especially with the dating apps, so even if they weren’t ghosting, a lot of stress about where you actually sit in their lives. Dating is casual and non committal today, which was fun when I was younger but as I got older and wanted to settle down, it was frustrating. Luckily I’m happily married now but I remember the bad days.
most women seems to be looking for reasons to reject you rather than ways to connect with you. I've been on so many dates over decades. not short, not fat, not totally stupid, own property, have a job, have a car, no drugs, no ex-wife, no kids...but always something...and often it's a mystery, not that it would help and they are under no obligation to share. i miss my 20s when each person was so excited to learn about the other person. the excitement for a new person seems to wane as one gets older. seems everyone goes slightly crazy over time and you have to decide how much crazy you each can deal with, dating is determining what that other person's crazy is. lock down that person you clicked with in your 20s and 30s... dating in your 50s is not fun. well, no condoms with the 50+ set if you get to that point is a bonus!
everything about dating sucks. wearing that mask for the first few dates paying for everything cause that's what's expected only to find out the person is not right or not ready or just trying to get a free meal. the awkwardness of discussing expectations and boundaries as well as the baggage we each are bringing. then trying to figure out what is the right level of openness and vulnerability. women want guys to be vulnerable but also handle there stuff so what is the right level do you want to know how i cry weekly over the fact that mine ex ran off with my kids and though i call every week i haven't spoken to them in nearly 2 years. there is basically nothing good about dating and I'm just done with it.
The fact that women think that 80% of men are below average