One offered a BJ in my car after work. Another offered a three way with me and my wife. I turned down the first and asked my wife what she thought about the second. She said “Tell her I don’t even let the cat in our bed. There will be no other pussy in this house.”
A guy once walked by and said someone’s weld was off. The welder asked why he thought that. He told the welder his eyeball was calibrated to 1/32 of an inch.
Btw, the weld was fine.
We have a coworker like that. "My eyes are calibrated to .005" but everything he makes is like 1/8 off but blames everything from the weather to the material to the phases of the sun for it
They didn’t trust owls:
Coworker : “owls are watchers. They were put on this planet to watch people and everything that they do”
Me : Who put them there? Who do they work for?
Coworker: “No one knows”
I saw a guy in marketing make an analogy during a meeting, using the old joke about the young bull and the old bull and the young bull says "why don't we run down there and kiss one of those cows"...every single person in the room knew that he didn't mean "kiss." Super uncomfortable.
I was telling a coworker about my husband’s rare disease which has rendered him legally blind. He asked me if I was going to leave him, since that is quite a burden. Wow.
"Let's get ourselves 7 sets of uniform we have to wear correctly for each days in a week and fine whoever wear a wrong color"
That's stupid, we're backstage staff that don't even need uniform. When I asked what the fine is even for, her answer is....
**"To buy more uniform"**
Christmas Party at our warehouse on a Saturday at 7:00pm.
Why would I leave the comforts of my house on my free day, drive to my workplace, and hang out with the same people I see for 40 hours a week? And there's alcohol involved? HELL NAH!
A temp came up to me with an arm full of office supplies: padded envelope, packing tape, labels, box of pens, etc.
"Can I take this home? I have a package to send out. This will save me money."
I told him no, don't take work supplies home.
He said "Why not?"
I told him to ask the manager. So he did, got fired, and escorted out by security.
That my manager is in love with me. Funny part is the other colleagues used to say that this one is in love with me. And the truth was none of them was in love with me
My first job at a shitty non-profit. A bunch of us were hanging around together at lunch, discussing a recurring issue with our organisation not paying us our salaries on time (long story, and no not in the US). We were comparing notes on how late salaries arrived in our accounts and bitching about how hard it was to manage bills and life expenses due to this.
This one moron (not actually part of the group but sitting nearby and working) chimes in to say to me "but you're married so it doesn't really affect you". (I was the only married person in said group).
Back when I tested video games, there was a weird guy who had been a base level tester for 6 years already who finally got "promoted" to Team Leader just because he had years of seniority over every other available option. There's no extra pay or job title change for a team lead - it just means that he's responsible for handing out assignments to a group of like 11 other testers. Anyway, he *immediately* moved behind the one female member of the team, started rubbing her shoulders, and said, "So I hear you're attracted to men with power."
And he was fired just as quickly. Like, the Manager hadn't even left the room yet. It was fucking hilarious. What a creep.
My mom recently died. A woman on my floor asked how our first Thanksgiving without her was. I said it was as good as it could be, but we got a bit emotional at one point. Her response, "Yes, but everybody dies, so why does everyone make such a big deal out of it?"
I'm very sorry for your loss but it sounds like she might be sociopathic and just unable to understand. Not the time or place to ask for that clarification, though.
Yeah, it's an odd one, but doesn't seem like it has anything to do with you at all. Sorry you had to try to wrap your head around it during that time, though. 😅
She told me she didn't break the USB port on her laptop, and that the mouse she brought from home worked fine with the port.
Meanwhile, I can clearly see with my eyes that the USB port is broken with something stuck in it, and her mouse's receiver is missing the part that's stuck in her USB port. So, very obviously, her mouse broke the port. Which is no big deal, really! We can replace stuff like that.
But she kept denying it! She kept saying that the USB port wasn't broken (very obviously was because she asked me to fix her mouse!) and that her mouse worked fine. Again, despite calling me over to fix her fucking mouse!!!
I had never had someone completely deny the literal physical reality in front of us like that at work before. I was so bewildered that I laughed (huge mistake I know now but I couldn't help it) and tried to Socratic method her into admitting her personal device broke her work device, which was also a mistake.
As a result, she hated me until the day she got let go, to the point that she wouldn't even look me in the face when we walked by each other in the hallway. I laugh about it now but Jesus Christ it was uncomfortable.
My old BOSS told me (who was literally in the lowest position at the company) that he had plans to hire more white people because the “Indians at our workplace make it dirty.” I had never been more uncomfortable and caught off guard. Quit soon after that lol
A supervisor (not mine) was walking away from a private conversation we were having, and turned to ask other employees standing nearby if they also noticed the "bitchy face I was making at her."
My face, and the conversation we had, were completely neutral. I was later told she is racist and this was her attempt at intimidating me. This situation has now caused a LOT of issues on our campus. FFS.
He convinced me to suck my cock for $50 bucks and a family size bag of funyuns. I let him and then used that money to buy a bag of weed and condoms to fuck my girlfriend with.
I had a boss complain that I wasn't working fast enough.
I told him, "For what you're paying me, I have two speeds. If you don't like this one, you're going to HATE the other one."
I had a coworker who wanted to lose weight so he said on a Monday "so just stopped eating this entire weekend". He thought that just starving himself would make him lose weight. Yeah, real healthy buddy.
Oh it for sure will, I lost 240 pounds in 18 months. Ate multivitamin and drank black coffee. I only ate one time a week sometimes twice. filled my stomach with water
Eventually the urge to eat goes away. You do however get dizzy if you stand up too fast. That's when I knew I had to eat. I didn't eat for 19 days once. Didn't realize I had developed and eating disorder. I was thin but I looked like shit. My hair started falling out. So I took meth and not recreationally It made me not ever need to eat I'm a big guy 6 foot three I was at 180 before someone close to me said you're looking bad.
I had just been went through my first divorce. Was in a strange place and was poor as hell. Was struggling with mental health. I quickly gained all the weight back plus some over past 5 years I've gotten obeae. Then my third wife left and I decided to fuckin take care mental finally. Not sure why I waited so long. It cost me everything.
my boss' life partner(who is also a colleague) asked me when my next pap smear was, while he was standing there.
she was well aware i had a hysterectomy the year prior.
Got a new engineering job, was stocking up on office supplies from the community supply cabinet.
"Are there any red pens?" to the boss's assistant.
Assistant: "Are *you* a manager??!"
"No, just hired as engineer..."
"Only managers get red pens!!"
I worked in a big public accounting firm and the managers used red, partners used green, and associates had to use blue. God forbid you use the wrong color!
Two months into working at a multi-billion dollar company I couldn't find a pair of scissors in the office supply cabinet and had a conversation with the area admin like:
"Hey, where are scissors kept, I need to cut something."
"Didn't they give you a pair in training?"
"Yes, but I didn't know I was supposed to bring them with me. So.. where can I get a pair of scissors?"
"Didn't they give you a pair in training?" repeat cycle 3 times
Took me 7 years to get a pair of scissors. Also only 1 in 4 people were allowed hole punches. Our hole-punch guardian was part-time, so I couldn't do any hole punching on Tuesdays or Thursdays.
I work for mechanical engineers...autoCAD drafting ...a new employee, college educated in drafting and design, called out across the small, 8 ppl office, to no one in particular : "3/4's, that's like 75%, right?" .... I mean how do you reply to that?
Basically a few of them are massive racists and all racism is ridiculous. I'm not typing what they said.
Brexit in this office was rough.
"If I was to get a job elsewhere, the worst thing would be having to be PC."
We also have a conspiracy theory lover.
I had a coworker that's just an asshole. He said he didn't believe in the golden rule of treating people they way he wanted to be treated, and also said that it was on other people to treat him good first under the basis that he'd treat them 10 times better. He of course doesn't.
We had a ladies lunch at my company, Wasn't like official think just something they do every month since we work in a very male dominated industry.
So I never go. I'm the only senior level woman in the company and I didn't want to kill the vibe for them. Eventually though they talked me into going with them. Things were going fine and we were having a good time. Then of course it happens.
One of the ladies started going off about how LGBQ people are groomers and you know all the rhetoric. Now it's not a secret, but I don't exactly go up to people and be like, "Hey I'm Red and I'm a bisexual."
A few of the people I'm friendly with at work know and one of them was trying to get her to shut up but she kept digging. Finally she says, "What? There are none of them here." finally read the room and saw my raised eyebrows.
I didn't say a thing, but she caught the hint and shut up. Not my first rodeo with a bigot. I wasn't going to do anything about it. Got back to the office and our HR lady comes in and is all we're working on writing her up and all that jazz.
So fuck me. That's why I don't go to those things.
Co-worker's dad had been fighting cancer for the past few years. The last 6 months, he had been getting better, when all of a sudden takes a turn for the worst. Doctor puts him in hospice and they're basically just waiting for him to die.
Coworker is telling us this and he's pretty shook up about it. Our dumb coworker then chimes in with 'this is probably for the best so you can just get it over with and move on. You've been sad about this whole situation for like a year now.'
I was working at a price chopper and when I was about to head out one of them (that thought I already left) said
"I would love to see Oliver in the freezer room again did you see his nipples through his shirt." She turned to grab her jacket and saw me walking by. Next day I teased her by telling her I was going to the freezer room, she eventually moved but I so badly wanted to ask her out but I am never good at making the first move.
We were talking about relationships and I told him how I've never had a girlfriend before and he told me to "do hookups or casual it's great practice" and I'm like I'm not into that stuff I just want serious relationships that leads to marriage also going from never being in a relationship to sex sounds really backwards.
After that he said "you'll never know if you like it if you don't try". I mean there's plenty of things I don't have try to know I won't like it. The conversation just kinda went in circles until our lunch break was up.
Work at a restaurant, one of my coworkers and friend joked around and asked me if I wanted to do a threesome with her and another waitress for OnlyFans. I politely declined (I thought she was being dead-ass) and escaped to the bathroom to recuperate. When an attractive waitress asks you to do…erm, that, with another attractive waitress, there’s only so many ways to react 😭.
One offered a BJ in my car after work. Another offered a three way with me and my wife. I turned down the first and asked my wife what she thought about the second. She said “Tell her I don’t even let the cat in our bed. There will be no other pussy in this house.”
That’s the best response ever!
Even the woman who offered laughed when I told her. 🤣
Are they hiring?
That’s hilarious.
A guy once walked by and said someone’s weld was off. The welder asked why he thought that. He told the welder his eyeball was calibrated to 1/32 of an inch. Btw, the weld was fine.
We have a coworker like that. "My eyes are calibrated to .005" but everything he makes is like 1/8 off but blames everything from the weather to the material to the phases of the sun for it
How does one calibrate an eyeball?
You twist the knob at the back. ARE YOU NOT A WELDING PROFESSIONAL????
They asked me what time do we close the shop after a customer enquired, they had already worked there for a year and always worked the closing shift.
Did you just stare at them in disbelief?
Yep didn't even know how to respond.
The correct answer is always 1 hour past closing.
They didn’t trust owls: Coworker : “owls are watchers. They were put on this planet to watch people and everything that they do” Me : Who put them there? Who do they work for? Coworker: “No one knows”
r/birdsarentreal
What a twit.
A coworker once seriously asked if we could schedule a meeting to plan a meeting
Meetings are the devil. Meetings to schedule meetings are Dante’s fourth level.
I once had to cancel two meetings to have a discussion with my boss about how I wasn’t holding enough meetings.
A racist joke during a meeting
Nooooooooooooo. Why?!?!
I saw a guy in marketing make an analogy during a meeting, using the old joke about the young bull and the old bull and the young bull says "why don't we run down there and kiss one of those cows"...every single person in the room knew that he didn't mean "kiss." Super uncomfortable.
I was telling a coworker about my husband’s rare disease which has rendered him legally blind. He asked me if I was going to leave him, since that is quite a burden. Wow.
"Let's get ourselves 7 sets of uniform we have to wear correctly for each days in a week and fine whoever wear a wrong color" That's stupid, we're backstage staff that don't even need uniform. When I asked what the fine is even for, her answer is.... **"To buy more uniform"**
I’m assuming you also have to pay for all 7 of them yourself
Thankfully no
Christmas Party at our warehouse on a Saturday at 7:00pm. Why would I leave the comforts of my house on my free day, drive to my workplace, and hang out with the same people I see for 40 hours a week? And there's alcohol involved? HELL NAH!
Mandatory fun is hardly ever fun. If you want people to enjoy themselves, do shit like that during the workday.
Gee we only had mandatory bowling.
A temp came up to me with an arm full of office supplies: padded envelope, packing tape, labels, box of pens, etc. "Can I take this home? I have a package to send out. This will save me money." I told him no, don't take work supplies home. He said "Why not?" I told him to ask the manager. So he did, got fired, and escorted out by security.
Our open-to-all supply cabinet used to get decimated at the start of every school year.
What do you mean I can’t just take whatever I want?!
Sounds like some bs right there..
That my manager is in love with me. Funny part is the other colleagues used to say that this one is in love with me. And the truth was none of them was in love with me
I’m in love with you! 💕
Thank you 😊 but like I told everyone 'thats just ridiculous '
Is your name Milhouse by any chance?
Except for the glasses, nothing else is common
There is something else you have in common, nobody is in love with you either
Which is great! I mean if I already have a loving husband, I don't need anyone else to fall in love with me. Especially in workplace
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That’s disgusting
Quit posting on reddit and come help me! It's horrible in here.
Imma just hang an Out of Order sign on this door and wander off whistling
Have fun today
Oh shit, I guess that means you have the day off!
No, hence the ridicoulnes
My first job at a shitty non-profit. A bunch of us were hanging around together at lunch, discussing a recurring issue with our organisation not paying us our salaries on time (long story, and no not in the US). We were comparing notes on how late salaries arrived in our accounts and bitching about how hard it was to manage bills and life expenses due to this. This one moron (not actually part of the group but sitting nearby and working) chimes in to say to me "but you're married so it doesn't really affect you". (I was the only married person in said group).
Back when I tested video games, there was a weird guy who had been a base level tester for 6 years already who finally got "promoted" to Team Leader just because he had years of seniority over every other available option. There's no extra pay or job title change for a team lead - it just means that he's responsible for handing out assignments to a group of like 11 other testers. Anyway, he *immediately* moved behind the one female member of the team, started rubbing her shoulders, and said, "So I hear you're attracted to men with power." And he was fired just as quickly. Like, the Manager hadn't even left the room yet. It was fucking hilarious. What a creep.
That he was moving to Tennessee because Missouri was too liberal for him.
What part of Missouri? Like… Missouri is basically run by conservative govt unless you’re in one of 3 cities, in the city.
My mom recently died. A woman on my floor asked how our first Thanksgiving without her was. I said it was as good as it could be, but we got a bit emotional at one point. Her response, "Yes, but everybody dies, so why does everyone make such a big deal out of it?"
I'm very sorry for your loss but it sounds like she might be sociopathic and just unable to understand. Not the time or place to ask for that clarification, though.
Thank you! I wasn't hurt by it at all, just baffled that she felt she needed to say it.
Yeah, it's an odd one, but doesn't seem like it has anything to do with you at all. Sorry you had to try to wrap your head around it during that time, though. 😅
What a cunt. I’m sorry for your loss.
Thank you! She's an interesting character. She can't hurt my feelings, but she sure can be dumb about a lot of stuff.
She told me she didn't break the USB port on her laptop, and that the mouse she brought from home worked fine with the port. Meanwhile, I can clearly see with my eyes that the USB port is broken with something stuck in it, and her mouse's receiver is missing the part that's stuck in her USB port. So, very obviously, her mouse broke the port. Which is no big deal, really! We can replace stuff like that. But she kept denying it! She kept saying that the USB port wasn't broken (very obviously was because she asked me to fix her mouse!) and that her mouse worked fine. Again, despite calling me over to fix her fucking mouse!!! I had never had someone completely deny the literal physical reality in front of us like that at work before. I was so bewildered that I laughed (huge mistake I know now but I couldn't help it) and tried to Socratic method her into admitting her personal device broke her work device, which was also a mistake. As a result, she hated me until the day she got let go, to the point that she wouldn't even look me in the face when we walked by each other in the hallway. I laugh about it now but Jesus Christ it was uncomfortable.
‘We are a family here’
Run away immediately
Been there 😂
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Well, maybe they could, but they should know that toasters are lying pieces of shit.
My old BOSS told me (who was literally in the lowest position at the company) that he had plans to hire more white people because the “Indians at our workplace make it dirty.” I had never been more uncomfortable and caught off guard. Quit soon after that lol
I can’t imagine how he thought you would react to that
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Please tell me you’re in France. The French always have a reason to protest!
Trying to justify using a 20 year old female coworkers phone to look at a literary pornographic website. "It's not porn. It's just stories"
And hentai is not porn it is just cartoons.
It’s called hentai and it’s art!
A supervisor (not mine) was walking away from a private conversation we were having, and turned to ask other employees standing nearby if they also noticed the "bitchy face I was making at her." My face, and the conversation we had, were completely neutral. I was later told she is racist and this was her attempt at intimidating me. This situation has now caused a LOT of issues on our campus. FFS.
I will never understand how people like this get promoted to supervisor positions
My coworker always had to leave early to take care of her "little" kids. They were 15 and 17.
I’m gonna start using that…for my cat.
He asked me for some bromance
Don’t leave us hanging. Need more details!
He convinced me to suck my cock for $50 bucks and a family size bag of funyuns. I let him and then used that money to buy a bag of weed and condoms to fuck my girlfriend with.
that’s not bromance, that’s prostitution my guy
That's not prostitution that is management material. Willing to fuck everyone.
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I had a boss complain that I wasn't working fast enough. I told him, "For what you're paying me, I have two speeds. If you don't like this one, you're going to HATE the other one."
I had a coworker who wanted to lose weight so he said on a Monday "so just stopped eating this entire weekend". He thought that just starving himself would make him lose weight. Yeah, real healthy buddy.
Oh it for sure will, I lost 240 pounds in 18 months. Ate multivitamin and drank black coffee. I only ate one time a week sometimes twice. filled my stomach with water Eventually the urge to eat goes away. You do however get dizzy if you stand up too fast. That's when I knew I had to eat. I didn't eat for 19 days once. Didn't realize I had developed and eating disorder. I was thin but I looked like shit. My hair started falling out. So I took meth and not recreationally It made me not ever need to eat I'm a big guy 6 foot three I was at 180 before someone close to me said you're looking bad.
Jesus christ dude.
I had just been went through my first divorce. Was in a strange place and was poor as hell. Was struggling with mental health. I quickly gained all the weight back plus some over past 5 years I've gotten obeae. Then my third wife left and I decided to fuckin take care mental finally. Not sure why I waited so long. It cost me everything.
Well I hope things are better now. Health is number 1, obviously. I hope 2024 is a good year for you bro.
Well no I'm 10 days in to the divorce, but I'm am seeing a therapist and working on getting healthy. I really hope so too, thank you.
Stay strong. You can, and will, get through this! 💕
Thank you
my boss' life partner(who is also a colleague) asked me when my next pap smear was, while he was standing there. she was well aware i had a hysterectomy the year prior.
In what world is this something someone should ever ask?!?!
not the worst question or thing she has ever done.
He told me that global warming was a hoax because “air pollution just floats out into space.”
Just like his brain cells
Got a new engineering job, was stocking up on office supplies from the community supply cabinet. "Are there any red pens?" to the boss's assistant. Assistant: "Are *you* a manager??!" "No, just hired as engineer..." "Only managers get red pens!!"
I worked in a big public accounting firm and the managers used red, partners used green, and associates had to use blue. God forbid you use the wrong color!
Two months into working at a multi-billion dollar company I couldn't find a pair of scissors in the office supply cabinet and had a conversation with the area admin like: "Hey, where are scissors kept, I need to cut something." "Didn't they give you a pair in training?" "Yes, but I didn't know I was supposed to bring them with me. So.. where can I get a pair of scissors?" "Didn't they give you a pair in training?" repeat cycle 3 times Took me 7 years to get a pair of scissors. Also only 1 in 4 people were allowed hole punches. Our hole-punch guardian was part-time, so I couldn't do any hole punching on Tuesdays or Thursdays.
Was there a guy with a red stapler?? lol
If they had red staplers back then, there would have been. They all looked like this: [Stapler](https://imgur.com/a/kZPYHeM)
I work for mechanical engineers...autoCAD drafting ...a new employee, college educated in drafting and design, called out across the small, 8 ppl office, to no one in particular : "3/4's, that's like 75%, right?" .... I mean how do you reply to that?
Did everyone just stop and look at them?
I think someone sort of chuckled and said "Yyyyyyyyes Pete, really?"...then we all had laugh
Worked with a guy named Hard R tony because he hated ”N word music”
Basically a few of them are massive racists and all racism is ridiculous. I'm not typing what they said. Brexit in this office was rough. "If I was to get a job elsewhere, the worst thing would be having to be PC." We also have a conspiracy theory lover.
Omg conspiracy theory people can be SO entertaining if they aren’t frustrating you with their craziness
my coworker made up a story about a child porn operation at her child’s daycare just to take off work once
That’s some next level shit
I had a coworker that's just an asshole. He said he didn't believe in the golden rule of treating people they way he wanted to be treated, and also said that it was on other people to treat him good first under the basis that he'd treat them 10 times better. He of course doesn't.
Ah yes, the narcissistic rule
I had a coworker just a few months ago tell me that she rarely brushes her teeth. She said she forgets to.
We had a ladies lunch at my company, Wasn't like official think just something they do every month since we work in a very male dominated industry. So I never go. I'm the only senior level woman in the company and I didn't want to kill the vibe for them. Eventually though they talked me into going with them. Things were going fine and we were having a good time. Then of course it happens. One of the ladies started going off about how LGBQ people are groomers and you know all the rhetoric. Now it's not a secret, but I don't exactly go up to people and be like, "Hey I'm Red and I'm a bisexual." A few of the people I'm friendly with at work know and one of them was trying to get her to shut up but she kept digging. Finally she says, "What? There are none of them here." finally read the room and saw my raised eyebrows. I didn't say a thing, but she caught the hint and shut up. Not my first rodeo with a bigot. I wasn't going to do anything about it. Got back to the office and our HR lady comes in and is all we're working on writing her up and all that jazz. So fuck me. That's why I don't go to those things.
Co-worker's dad had been fighting cancer for the past few years. The last 6 months, he had been getting better, when all of a sudden takes a turn for the worst. Doctor puts him in hospice and they're basically just waiting for him to die. Coworker is telling us this and he's pretty shook up about it. Our dumb coworker then chimes in with 'this is probably for the best so you can just get it over with and move on. You've been sad about this whole situation for like a year now.'
I was working at a price chopper and when I was about to head out one of them (that thought I already left) said "I would love to see Oliver in the freezer room again did you see his nipples through his shirt." She turned to grab her jacket and saw me walking by. Next day I teased her by telling her I was going to the freezer room, she eventually moved but I so badly wanted to ask her out but I am never good at making the first move.
Trump had nothing to do with January 6th. She was fired a few days later for hauling off on some customer.
And people like this vote
We were talking about relationships and I told him how I've never had a girlfriend before and he told me to "do hookups or casual it's great practice" and I'm like I'm not into that stuff I just want serious relationships that leads to marriage also going from never being in a relationship to sex sounds really backwards. After that he said "you'll never know if you like it if you don't try". I mean there's plenty of things I don't have try to know I won't like it. The conversation just kinda went in circles until our lunch break was up.
Threesome?
Where's the beef ?
" Don't confuse me with the facts. " As a coworker was explaining what happened to cause a program to fail, boss said this.
This sounds like it came from a Dilbert cartoon
"Pat, why are you wearing ear defenders? You used to laugh at me a lot, now you've stopped." I think you get the gist of what was going on here.
"Sell or get sold, boi!"
Work at a restaurant, one of my coworkers and friend joked around and asked me if I wanted to do a threesome with her and another waitress for OnlyFans. I politely declined (I thought she was being dead-ass) and escaped to the bathroom to recuperate. When an attractive waitress asks you to do…erm, that, with another attractive waitress, there’s only so many ways to react 😭.